or hear to enflame my heart I had better not set an hour apart and give thee all the day by thinking alwayes of thee Lord I do now acknowledge for then I shall not but if thou shouldest leave me I should be too much given to blaspheme thee Nay blâ—ssed God let that never be Lord it shall never be When I consider the desperate hypocrisie of my heart I may every Morning expect that thou shouldst give me up to a râ—probate sense to commit sin with greediness when I think of these things I pour out my soul within me To think with my self I shall lose my Estate a little troubles me to think I shall lose such a friend it affects me more but to think I shall lose my God and become an Apostate that 's a hell unto me I have begged of thee as for my life that thou wouldest not leave me and now I beg O forsake me not utterly To have such a heart that will neither inflame my words nor be inflamed by them is that which hath not been so Lord except thou wilt follow one that will not stay when thou callest and overtake one that runs from thee when thou followest I am lost Well I am sure my froward and careless carriage will justifie thy justice if thou condemn me and magnifie thy Mercy if thou savest me Meditat. XXXIX Lord this day is thine own and by being thine is the more mine I must now burn without coals about me The time hath been when if I had been cold and dull the Society Exprâ—ssions and Examples of others in dayes set apart to thee would have inâ—lamed me Now the company I have is water and snow Wo is me that I am constrained to have my habitation in the Tents of Kedar and yet Lord thou art never wanting Thou sendest forth thy beams of light and heat if I bring not Clouds over mine own head I may have enough light from thee Lord when will these dayes of sin be ended and the time of refreshing from the presence of the Lord come I come into thy presence but when I am come I am silent and deaf neither able to speak to thee nor hear the sweet whisperings of thy Spirit O that I had a heart to give my self unto thee or that thou wouldest take these poor longings of my Soul for a Gift and thereupon take possession of my Soul My dayes of leaping for joy to think of thee are gone and now my dayes of sorrow to see mine own vileness are come My tears are now my Meat and Drink O that I had more of them so they were more Spiritual I am a poor creature but thou art the rich God My poor heart why dost thou not speak why art thou silent what saist thou Is not God a good God what relish or sweetness is there in these words if thou dost not set to thy seal Lord to thy glory though not to my comfort be it spoken Thou hast been a good God to me but I have no comfort from this truth if I never relish it yet if mine heart will be so wicked and vile and base as not to acknowledge it yet my hand shall write that which shall witness for my God against my self Thou art good patient and Merciful unto me enough to make earth and heaven to wonder at thy goodness and my vileness Ah my God my God must my words go beyond my thoughts of love to thee Lord thou art enough for heaven enough for thy self and art thou not enough for me Try O my Soul try thou wilt never trust before thou knowest this by experience thou knowest abundantly that the creature hath told thee It is not in me this thou knowest by experience and by faith thou knowest it is in God Well then lay all thy weight and strength upon him and none upon the Creature Hold upon him with both hands or else thou wilt attribute the greatest failing unto God For as he that stands upon never so strong a place if he lean against a rotten wall he shall fall and one that is asleep when he falls will not know whether fail'd him and so if we do but lean to our own wisdom we shall happily think that God fails Lord I wait I long for thine appearance Thou art enough Lord I know not what to say I am undone without thee Lord I hear the poor fly oh how it flies up and down Now it is warmed and revived with the warmth of the Sun yesterday it lay still as dead surely Lord if thou wilt shine upon my Soul I should be active and chearful in thy service No marvel heaven is so full of thy praises when thou communicatest thy self so fully to them The Crumbs that fall from thy Table are too much for me these temporal blessings are more then I can challenge yet Lord I cannot be content with them give me thy self and it sufficeth for all is nothing and shares without thee Meditat. XL. Alas my God Pride and Despair divide my life When I find any thing I do in some manner as I should I begin to be pust up and think that I do more then some others of Gods people and when I look upon my failings these thoughts begin to arise It is in vain I shall never overcome such corruptions My Sinnes doe me more harm by discouraging me then in the commission Meditat. XLI Lord There is no peace until thou hast all our love while our heart is divided between the world and thee we can have no quiet Natural conscience draws one way and Natural Corruptions another way It is our ignorance that makes us think that there is not enough in thee to satisfie all our desires and supply our wants which makes us joyn the Creature with thee When Lord when shall all my thoughts be of thee I am weary of being thus divided Lord if I can dispose of my self I give my self wholly to thee O refuse not that gift which thou hast so often desired thou hast said give me thy heart Lord my heart longs whilest thou hast it If thou saist that I do not give my self freely and wholly enough alas nor never shall until thou take my heart and discoverest the secrets of thy love unto me when thou dost that I shall run after thee Lord heâ—e's my poor soul it lies at thy feet groveling and gasping for life the Creature hath left me and I have left the creature and would not that it should have any more of my love but it still woes me and follows me for my love unless thou overcomest these strong corruptions I shall never be at quiet Meditat. XLII Sometimes my heart begins to be fill'd with joy so that I am ready to cry out Thou art mine exceeding joy and then I consider what I shall do for I am afraid that my joy is false When I consider how I came by it whether my prayers have been more servent and frequent of
of Sin but when God shall appear like himself how shall those sins that men now make light of make them run mad with despair 3. Consider O my Soul that those excuses that now quiet thee will not serve at that day nay thou wilt be ashamed to own them 4. Consider how strict an account God will require of thee at that day if only thy grosser abominations that are odious in the sight of all men should be brought to judgement but the smallest sin that ever thou committest every idle word and every vam thought the very Grounds Manner and Ends of thy most holy performances shall then appear more dreadfully sinful then now the most crying sin that ever thou committest doth 5. Consider that every one o thy thoughts words and actions whether good or evil shall be brought to judgement even thy most secret and unknown Sins to thy self or others Consider O my Soul what shame and confusion will cover thee at that day dost thou not remember what at such and such a time thou didst in secret Suppose all those Sins that ever thou committest in private should be known to all in England or should be writ on thy forehead that all that saw thee might read them wouldest thou not be ashamed to come into any company but what is this â—o that which shall be at that day when all thy secret Sins shall be published before all Men Angels and God himself these are not inventions of men to terrifie thee but truths of God to reform thee 6. Consider how fully and â—â—â—rly thou shalt be convinced that day of thy Sins those with whom thou hast committed them will witness against thee thy dearst friends that thou had'st in the world must and will testifie against thee nay Satan that tempted thee to those sins and God that or bad thee those Sinnes nay â—ine own conscience which â—hen will as perfectly remember â—very Sin with its aggravating circumstances as if it were but â—hen committed will be a swift witness against thee this will be that worm that dies not a clamorous and a wounded Conscience are insupportable even in this life but neither are the clamours so loud nor the wounds so deep and pestilent as they will be 7. Consider the dreadful Sentence of Condemnation that God will pass upon the wicked viz. Go ye cursed into everlasting fire prepared for the Devil and his angels Wicked men know not now what it is to depart from God but then they shall know for God before Men and Angels in fury poured out to bid them be gone and call them cursed wretches who knows the horrour oâ— it If the wrath of a King be as thâ— roaring of a Lion what will thâ— wrath of God be Consider further that word is Everlastiâ—â— Fire and Eternity How dreadâ— art thou further to have such miserable companions as Devils the Devil should appear to thee when thou art alone how could'st thou bear it 8. Consider the sweet Sentence that shall pass from the gracious mouth of Christ to his people viz. Come ye blessed of my Father inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world and how sweet will those words be when in the mid'st of all their fears and troubles the righteous shall hear the Sentence of absolution What abundance of comfort have the people of God when God manifesteth and gives them his loves even in this life and seals them to the day of Redemption and lets them see their names written in the Book of Life giving them full assurance that he is theirs and they are his but alas all those joyes may not be compared to these the testimony of our own conscience and the witnessing of the Spirit the manifestations of his love and the smiles of his countenance are not so clear so full so lasting as they shall then be no more to be compared to them then the light of the Sun is to that of a spark of fire For Christ to call us blessed is more then for all the world and for all the angels in heaven to call us so doubtless it did exceedingly affect Daniel when the Angel told him that he was greatly beloved Dan. 9. 23. If thou had'st a thousand worlds O my soul wouldest thou not give all for this that God would say so to thee Well if thou wilt be watchful over thy wayes live holily love and believe in Christ and repent the day will shortly come when Christ shall say that and much more Affections and Resolutions 1. Tremble O my soul when thou thinkest of these things Why art not thou exceedingly affected with the thought of them hast thou such a full assurance or is thy life such that thou needest not fear Was not Moses and John as holy as thou Was not John the beloved Disciple and Moses one with whom God spake face to face and yet they trembled O my soul it is much to be feared that it is Ignorance and infidelity not a Gospel-assurance that makes thee so senceless nay it is infallibly certain that whosoever lives wickedly and trembles not at the thought of judgement it proceeds from a conscience feared with a hot Iron 2. Admire and be astonisht at the miserable condition of all those that live without God in the World such are all they that repent not and believe not the Gospel 3. Examine and try thy self O my soul Let us judge our selves that we be not judged We may easily know what Questions shall be put to us that day we must be judged by the Word of God then let us judge our selves by it now do we indeed strive to enter in at the strait gate May that which we do in the service of God be truly called striving or no Can a faint prayer be called striving or no when every Temptation at the first assault overcomes thee and thou fightest not a stroake Is this striving Is this to fight a good fight and resisting unto blood Do we think that God at the day of Judgement will avouch this striving nay can your own Conscience think it so now Be not deceived God is not mocked 4. Pray O blessed God thou that art the great and just Judge of all men be pleased to fit and prepare me for that that that day may not come aâ— a thief in the night as to rob me of all my Comforts deal with me how it seemes good in thy eyes afflict me chastise me only let me be saved in the day of the Lord. 5. O my Soul Let us truly consider what we are to do and how we are to live that when others at that day shall call to the Hills and to the Mountains to fall upon them and to hide them from the wrath of the Lamb we may lift up our heads because our Salvation draweth near Well O my Soul I read in the Word of God that the neglecting to judge our selves and the judgeing of others are two Sins that will
and joyes that God hath bestowed upon his people in this life they are unspeakable and glorious Some have cried out Lord either with-hold thy comforts or enlarge the Vessel for I am not able to bear my joys We read of Daniel that the Manifestations that God gave him drunk up his Spirit and made him sick some dayes after Dan. 8. 27. Such joyes have been so great that they have sweetned the bitterest persecutions they have made them clap their hands for joy in the mid'st of flames and cry out in the ravishment of their spirits O ye Papists you talk of miracles but here is a miracle I am in the midst of these flames as in a bed of Roses But alas what are the joyes that God communicates to his people in this life they are but as the drop of the bucket to the whole Ocean the Apostle tells us that it doth not appear what wâ— shall be We would give it we had it a thousand worlds one would give all to enjoy these spiritual sanctifying ravishments of spirit one day If these then are so sweet what are those things that thou hast laid up for them that love thee 4. Consider that God hath prepared these joyes on purpose to glorifie his goodness and power and wisdom in preparing joyes for his people worthy of his magnificence and love he doth it for that end that he may be glorified and admired in all his Saints and what cannot infinite power and wisdom and what will not infinite Love and Goodness do when they set themselves to prepare an entertainment and to bestow a reward that may set forth their greatness what do Kings do in such cases that which is accounted a Feast amongst poor people is a rich mans fast If the strength of this consideration were drawn forth it would wonderfully affect us 2. Consider wherein these joys consist for the negative part of them There will be no sickness no pain no death no temporal misery or imperfection nay there shall be no Sin no Temptations nor corruptions no Desertions no imperfections of Graces or Duties or Comforts What would a poor 〈…〉 from this body of Sin and Death there we shall see God clearly fully everlastingly there our enjoyments shall be incomprehensible our union wonderful and inseparable and all shall be eternal What a world of difference is there betwixt a dead Carcass and the same body when he liv'd when it is dead it is sensless gaâ—â—ly filthy how beautiful how active how many rare endowments had â—â— when it liv'd and all these prâ—ceeded from the union of the soâ—â— with it and if the soul which but a poor creature by its union doth communicate such rare things to the body what do we imagin will be communicated both to the body and the soul when God shall be more neerly united to them then they are one to another when they shall be made more capable of receiving and God will be more abundant in communicating Affections and Resolutions 1. Admire the love and goodness of God O blessed God from the beginning of the World men have not perceived by the hearing of the ear nor have they seen with their eyes nor have any understood save only thou O God what thou hast prepared for them that love thee how hast thou commended thy love to us that we are thy Sons but it doth not yet appear what we shall be O the length and breadth and hâ—igth and depth of thy love that cannot he known Lord what are our duties or what are our persons that thou shouldest so highly reward them and us our best righteousness is as filthy rags and for us we are worms nay a generation of Vipers Is it not enough that thou dost not shake us off from thine hand of providence into Hell fiâ—e but that thou shouldest lay such Vipers in thy bosome and warm us with thy love Is it not enough for thee to forgive us our rebellions but that thou shouldest give us such blessings were it not a miracle of bounty and goodness for thee to bid us seriously to consult and think what to ask of thee and thou wouldest give it us though it were to the half of thy Kingdom but that thou shouldest set thy wisdom on work in preparing and thy liberality in bestowing such incomprehensible reward that we could neither ask no think but as far as the heaven is above the earth so are thy thoughts of love above our thoughts For thee to give thy Kingdom thy Christ thy self these are acts of goodness that are infinitely above us yet worthy of thee that delightest to magnifie thy goodness that rejoycest over thy people as the Bridegroom rejoyceth over his Bride Despise the World What are the things of this World O my Soul what is there here to be desired but Sin and Misery Snares and Temptations Vanity of vanities and vexation of Spirit one hours communion with God and the joyes of the holy Ghost that he hath given to his people in this world are worth more then the world can know of Why do we spend our strength and money for that which is not bread and our labours for that which doth not satisfie O vain world God hath out bidden thee thou offerest trifles he offers me Heaven for my love and service though my love be unworthy too little for him yet it is too much too good for thee 3. Long for and breathe after Heaven As the Hartpanteth after the Water-books so panteth my Soul after thee O God My Soul thirsteth for God for the living God when shall I come and appear before God when shall I be delivered from my absence from thee and from mine ignorance of thee Make hast O my beloved and be thou like a Roe or a young Hart upon the Mountains of Spices The Spirit sath Come and the Bride saith Come and the Bridegroom sath Surely I Come quickly even so come Lord Jesus come quickly 4. Encourage and stir up thy felt to the love and service of God Come O my Soul Let us be steadfast and unmovable alwayes abounding in the work of the Lord forasmuch as we know that our labour is not in vain in the Lord Let us not be weary of well doing nor of the labour of love for we shall reap if we faint not We have known and in some measure endeavoured to serve God thus many years were it not a sad thing for the want of continuing one year one month it may be but one week or one day more I should lose all my hopes and expectations of glory God forbid O my Soul Let us encourage our selves in the Lord we are not kept by our own but by the mighty power of God through Faith to Salvation and be thou assured of this that the first minute thou art in Heaven thou shalt have such full measure pre'st down heapt up and running over that thou shalt break forth in the Songs of joy and praise to
for me that thou hast done for me Blessed God do but make me thine Meditat. XIII In the most serious addresses of my Soul to take hold upon God I find an unhappy frozenness benum the best of my Devotions and thereby I shew either that I am extreamly ignorant of thee Lord or what is worse sensless of thee The truth is I may justly tremble when I come to keep any day of Humiliation in thy sight not only because of the desperate sins I am guilty of but especially because such Duties do work little or nothing upon me and this is sure enough that those Ordinances that do not soften do harden I am in a great straight my Conscience drives me upon Duties and I dare not omit them and yet my heart is so hard and filthy that they do not purifie me So I am more defiled than before Ah my God thou knowest what afflictions are bitter and strong enough to purge these Corruptions Lord send them and though I am so vile that I do not now fervently and earnestly enough desire to be cured but yet Lord I know my want of desires of Reformation is one of my greatest Corruptions I desire to be cured of that or at least Lord thy Fatherly goodness I hope will take care to cure me of that and Lord this I know that when thou shalt send any such affliction upon me I shall it is too likely Murmure and be weary of the Chastisment of the Lord it may be I shall pray for the taking off of that Corrosive before it hath eaten away that deadness of heart and other corruptions that now lie upon me yet Lord do not yield to such prayers go on with thy Cure and if I be impatient cure that corruption also and every other corruption that shall appear in the time of cure of any corruption I shall bless thee one day for not hearing and not granting such prayers as shall be for my spiritual harm Lord Death is very bitter unto me surely it would not be so bitter if there were no Root of bitterness in me if I kept a stricter communion with thee in this world I should long for a full communion with thee in heaven for ever Meditat. XIII Alas Oh my soul may not I justly spend the remainder of my dayes in sighing to perceive my good from whose presence I have in former times had so much grace and comfort to be such a stranger now to me and what is worse mine heart so sensless of his absence The time hath been when my heart hath almost bled within me to think what a miserable condition I should be in if ever it should come to pass that it should be thus Lord why dost thou absent thy self from my poor soul If I were in a desertion of comforts I were in a far better condition but to be in a desertion of Graces and not to be troubled is a sad condition Me thinks I see my stock of grace grow weaker and weaker and more and more to languish as one that is dying the pulse grows weaker and weaker until at last it be no more O Lord what to say I do not know alas I cannot but call and cry pray Lord if ever thou wilt take pity upon a poor Miserable speechless Sinner Lord if thou wilt that I may overcome Lord I cannot get my heart to be content to be damned and indeed since then I must eternally be separated from thee I do not desire to get mine heart to be content but to struggle against it as long as I am able Meditat. XIV To have Satan and Corruption come and beset me as soon as I awake and to follow me all the day long and go to bed with me and to keep me waking to have no respite is a sad condition When I should awake with my God my good God who kept me and watched over me whil'st I slept to have Satan stand ready and hold his Temptations before mine eyes which way soever I look and to prevail so far with me as at last to make me scarce to hate the sin he tempts me to I feel in my Spiritual part an utter abhorring of the Sin I would give ten thousand Worlds rather than commit the Sin and yet I have much ado to refrain alas can my secure soul live Meditat. XV. I am in such a wretched temper as to be willing to offend my God and when I go about to grieve sorrow is far from me nay the grief which sometimes I feel is not strong enough to conquer the temptation when tears stand in mine eyes to consider the miserable condition of my Soul in being so proâ—e to Sin the Temptation encreaseth To hear one of thy servants groaning under thy hand and then to stand parlying with temptation and not rather be afraid that the same affliction c. Lord I am in thy hand for affliction lay what thou wilt upon me I must bear it and I would bear it patiently nay Lord though this Temptation be such an unwelcome guest and I am two weary of it yet so thou wilt give me grace to overcome my impatience I am content Lord as much as I can but alas my God to have Satan my Companion instead of my God I hope will never be pleasing to me Meditat. XVI Lord what vain heart thinks of thee it matters not except it be to discover the wretchedness of it thou hast more glorious Creatures to praise thee my praises and my thoughts of thee are so low and so unworthy of thee that thou mightest forbid me as thou didst the Devils to confess thee or to say any thing of thee My dear God if a World would buy it for one such sight of thee as might so ravish my Soul that I might never more see any beauty or taste any sweetness in any thing but in thee that I might see thee with open face that I might be transformed into thy image from glory to glory Lord thou art still beyond me the higher my thoughts are of thee the more thou art beyond me and above me when my thoughts are best my thoughts are lost in the meditation of thee as the stone that is thrown into the calm Sea makes greater and greater circles but can never reach the shoar Lord I am content I may be lost in my self so I may find thee Lord though there were none but thou and I in the world I had enough nay though there were none but thou and I in Heaven I had enough enough Though I have nothing to say to thee but what I have said a thousand times Thou art my God my Saviour my all thou art he whom my soul loveth yet though I have nothing else to say nor case there is any new rellish yet I delight to be alone with thee nay though thou saist nothing to my poor soul but what I have heard from thee yet let me still be in thy company I had
rather weep and mourn for mine offending thee then enjoy all delights in the world Those salt waters are more precious then their Wine Meditat. XVII Lord I beseech thee to order all mine affairs by thy wisdom thou knowest what afflictions are needful for me I murmure oftentimes when thou afflictest me although I have again and again desired thee to direct all things that belong unto me but blessed God let not my Murmurings so provoke thee as to leave me to mine own self Give me not what I desire but what I want my judgement in judging what is good or bad for me is little worth for many times I have judged such a thing to be for my hurt yet it hath proved much for my good and so on the contrary but then I have by experience found it evidently for my good when I have yielded my self wholly to be guided by thee all things Lord make me know my self I am a poor Creature with teares in mine eyes and hypocrisie in my heart Meditat. XVIII Lord it fares with me as it fares with one that hath been a long time from his friend he hath many things to tell him of several particulars that befell him since their last being together so Lord I have been a stranger to thee and I have much to say to thee much have I suffered from mine own corruptions and little have I done I have a heart will let me do nothing for thee Lord I am but a Child pardon my bablings I have none to make my complaint to no not one Thou hast caused me to live in Mesech and to have my habitation in the Tents of Kedar and if thou Lord wilt supply the want of those Christian friends I am now deprived of Lord my heart is so deceitful that I have much a do to know whether I ever was or am yet thine I know Lord how I have spent dayes sometimes whole weeks together in Prayer and Meditation and reading Devotionary Bookes to Prepare my self for the Communion and yet then I had gross sailings for there was a World of Covetousness in me and thirsting after Humane Learning exceedingly and little prizing the knowledge of Christ in my Sermons I did little aim at thy glory but to preach my self Now in these things I find some healings but my duties are fewer and now there is far more wanting in comparison of what I should be then was then of what I am now Nay Lord thou only knowest I shall be a gainer but alas if now I am alone I shall have no more fire of thy love then I had when I lived in the midst of Glowing Coals of Devotion how can I but go out now since I had much ado to burn then When I think of serving thee then my heart is so perverse as to put in a Carnal Motive and saith If thou dost so then God will bless thee in such or such a temporal blessing and my heart closeth with that Motive Meditat. XIX O my God as thou art my Father so let me know that thy love to me being known by me may put Wheels to my Obedience that now goes so heavily that it may make mine obedience more pure that now is so full of insufficiency I am fain to be glad almost of any Motive to make me serve thee but yet it is my burthen that fear should make me do that which love should make me do for besides that such obedience is painful that which is worse it is impure also Alas I am a stranger too much unto thee and in being so an enemy to my self Lord this is the first day I have given thee this great while it doth appear it is so by the poor and weak duties I perform my poor soul is like a poor desolate Widdow that hath lost her dear Husband every one trampleth upon her and oppreiseth her Meditat. XX. Lord where are those sweet embrances and manifestations of thy love that thou hast bestowed on me in former times when I have gone unto the treasury of thy mercies and fetched any mercy from thence that I wanted Thou hast given unto my prayers my dear Brother who went forth a blasphemer or at least a common swearer and came home I seeking thee for him a convert after thou gavest me his life and the life of my Mother and indeed Lord what was it but I had of thee thou didst almost miraculously restore one of my Sisters to comfort But now when I cry and shout thou shuttest out my prayers and art almost as if I never had any acquaintance with thee Lord I know that the fault is mine own indeed Lord I then was scarce ever from thee or out of thy thoughts For were I but as I have been so often keeping dayes of humbling before thee it could not be that my duties should be such as they are but Lord thou seest the tears thâ—se thoughts cause me to shed they are thine do thou encrease them but take away this dulness and deadness of heart that is the just reason why I shed them and if thou shalt once purifie and inflame mine heart by faith and love I shall shed abundant more tears for my wandring thoughts in prayer then now I do for all the abominations I am guilty of Alas Lord the ordinary dayes of thy Saints are far more holy then the dayes I set apart for special service of thee and their thoughts in the midst of their worldly businesses are more devout and zealous then my thoughts in my prayers were alwayes with thee I scarce did any thing though almost of never so small Moment but the reason why I did it this or that way was because it was some way or other more for thy glory Lord it is not thy fault for thou dost wait to shew Mercy whether my wretched heart will consent to it or no This I do set down as an infallible truth and let all the world give thee the glory of it all thy ways are holy just and good and thou dost stretch out thine arms to embrace us it is our fault that we do not run into thy bosome the infidelity and other corruptions that are in our bosomes make us think that thou art not willing to receive us or imbrace us and so we not coming we want that experimental knowledge of thee that would if we had it make us not so timorous of coming to thee as we are Meditat. XXI Before I begin to write I know I have more cause to Write in blood or tears then in ink Can a Mother forget her Child It is not Can a Child forget the Mother nor is it Can a Mother her Child if the Child forget her or Can there be any case wherein the Mother can forget her Child Lord do thou awaken my heart for it is a sleep Lord do thou raise mine heart for it is dead Do thou thaw my heart for it is frozen Lord thou art that Celestial fire
that enflames all thine Angels with love I have no way but to come before thy presence in hope that at the last shall be thawed if not inflamed thou wilt not put out the smoaking snuff of a Candle I am such an one enlightned and enflamed though now I send forth nothing but an unsavoury stench What shall I stand imperfect as I am thus speaking what I may and what I have to lay to my God Lord. Thou hast commanded in thy Word that if an Adulterer defile a Woman and she cry not out then he shall be put to death Lord Infidelity Hypocrisie and Vain-glory are come to undo me to defile my Soul and they have almost perswaded my Soul not to cry out To be ravished is a great affliction but to embrace the Adulterer is an abomination If I cry to Men for succour if I go to Ordinances Alas the Adulterer is a strong Man he hath locked the Doors of my Soul and none can break them open but thou only Lord do not thou stand knocking at the Door of my heart for the strong man will not and I am kept so fast by my corruptions I cannot come to let thee in Lord break open the Doors and come in to help me before I am utterly undone as it was with the Levites Concubine so will it be with my poor Soul Corruption after Corruption and Sinne after Sinne will so abuse her that she will be at last dead Alas me thinks I look upon my poor Soul as one looks upon a Ship tossed among Rocks in the Seas one sees it and pities it but knows not how to help it there comes a Wave and carries it with violence amongst the mid'st of the Rocks and makes it reel and stagger like a drunken Man and then all in the Ship are fain to pump and toil to save their lives at last it was dasht in pieces and all fain to get upon broken pieces of the Ship to swim to the shore if it may be My Soul is even labouring for life Lord what wilt thou do wilt thou be as a Man astonish't and as a Mighty Man that cannot help then I am undone then I may say if thou wilt not then farewel all my Duties farewel all my Graces and all my Comforts which I have had in the dear embraces of my God Ah must I not pray but with my Tongue Mast I have no more Comforts but what poor Creatures can give me Lord if I must perish let me perish in thy way let me convert many unto thee Though I know my Damnation shall be greater if I perish for living so contrary to mine owne Doctrine Lord I am a poor Miserable Man and a more Miserable Christian thou art I cannot possibly imagine what but I hope Lord I shall know these dayes of ignorance and sin will not alwayes last when my change comes I shall nomore sin and repent and repent and sin as I do now Oh my corruptions I hope one day I shall leave you all in the Grave behind me The day is coming when while I am praising God you shall not come and lie as a Talent of Lead upon my Soul and hinder my flight Come Lord Jesus come quickly Come while my Soul is filled with joy to think of thy coming O my God thou art enough for me for my Soul can hold no more Lord I am afraid of the joyes sometimes I have to think of thee Tears for my sins are fitter for me then tears of joy yet I dare not refuse them nay I cannot if I would they are so sweet so sweet Heaven is but a greater Measure of them Lord thou art enough enough for them that love thee Meditat. XXII To see a dead Man arrayed with all the Richest Clothes still there is more horrour to behold him then delight So my poor Soul looks gashly in all the Duties I perform I have a cold and dead soul for all them and more terrour there is in the deadness then there is comfort in the Multitude of them this I know by experience yet Christ is not sweet unto me My dear Saviour to whom I was so dear Lord Jesus give me a heart that may feel thy sweetness I am convinced that thou art so but my poor heart hath not enough tasted the sweetness of this Truth That all things are Dross and Dung in comparison of Christ Lord here is Mine Estate Mine Health My Life My Liberty and all that I have and had I more I would freely give all give but such a heart as I desire and the same will I consecrate unto thee in Spiritual affections all my dayes now I think thus with my self When I was most desirous of and addicted to Humane Learning it was wonderful delightful to me to be instructed in some new truth or to have some difficult question clearly resolved To read the Mathematicks was wonderful delightful because they prove such strange things then I have recourse to the Word of God and by that I am assured that all the Treasures of Wisdom and knowledge are hid in Christ and in his Gospel then further I have recourse to the experience of the people of God in the Word of God and in particular to Paul who being a Learned Man yet accounted all things as Dross and Dung in comparison of Christ I have also recourse to the experience of several godly persons I know of the abundant sweetness and excellency of the knowledge of Christ therefore Lord though I have not at this present the power and ravishing feelings of Christs Excellency yet assuring my self all these wayes whereby I fully do assent to that truth That it is life eternal to know thee and Jesus Christ I do beseech thee O Lord to give me a fuller knowledge of thee in Christ I beseech thee I beseech thee Let not my undervaluing of this knowledge cause thee to deny it I shall more value it if I had more of it Lord I know if thou shouldest look in me and my life to see what thou canst find to hinder the granting of this request thou maist find enough nay I that know my self not so well as thou dost know enough and enough nay I know nothing to move thee in my self except something I have had from thee those things I have so abused that I know they may be swift witnesses against me But Lord if thou shouldest give me this knowledge of them I might do great things for thee Lord hear me Alas Lord my desires to know Christ do even die while I am praying to know him Alas Lord such an heart as I have is fit for none but thee for none in the world can tell what to do with it but thou only It is past the skill of all in Heaven and Earth but thee it is not in the power of Ordinances and Duties if thou shouldst not set in I would pity the Soul of my greatest Enemy if I should see it in
such continual storms troubles as are in mine there are new corruptions appear such as I may term them nothing so fitly as sparks of of the fire of Hell to have ones heart rise against God when the continual desire of ones soul and prayer is that one might be inflamed with the love of God Lord while I am working my heart to a serious thought of thee endeavouring to have my heart full of admiration of thee and affiance in thee before I pray unto thee that if it may be my prayers may be as an Arrow drawn up to the head but when I go about to pray and send up my petitions my thoughts of thy Glory and Goodness slack and it fares with me oh my Soul as sometimes it doth with one that is tying knots when one hath pulled the first very hard yet it slacks before one can tye the second it I keep but a strict communion with thee and did as thou desirest Lord why shouldest thou desire us alwayes to be with thee how should we be acquainted with thee far more then we are and if we knew thee more how shoould we love thee more and if we loved thee more how should we know thee more For thou revealest thy self to them that love thee Alas O my Soul why should not we alwayes be with God since he gives us leave How gracious art thou to invite such sinners as we are to come to thee For thee to wash our souls clean with the Immaculate blood of the Lord Jesus Christ Alas Lord I am Mine own enemy nay I see it and know it and it cannot be otherwise Lord I am so tired out with my corruptions that I am even weary of my life and almost weary of my Duties Lord even at this present how when my â—oul was so troubled that mine 〈…〉 were ready to weep there 〈◊〉 a thought of a poore worldly business into my Soul and my thoughts and sorrows for heavenly Matters are gone Meditat. XXIII O my God how coldly without love how doubtingly without faith do I call thee my God! Lord how careless am I in thy service how very careless How long Lord holy and true shall I be thus laden with corruptions Nay which is my greatest Misery I am not but very little sensible of my own vileness that makes me that I do not hunger after righteousness Blessed Lord I do humbly prostrate my Soul before thee and do with all the weak power of my soul importune the Merits of my dear Saviour I pray thee to look upon me in Mercy When the poor wounded Man that went from Jerusalem to Jericho lay half dead and speechless in the way though he was not sensible of his Misery yet the good Samaritan was though in his Tongue did not could not call for pity yet his wounds opened their Mouthes wide and spake aloud to the Samaritan Though his eyes shed no tears yet his heart wept blood at his wounds and mov'd compassion Like to that poor wounded Man I am so weak so sick that I am scarce sensible of mine own desperate condition Lord though my heart be not full of love it is full of wounds Lord thou knowest my Miseries I humbly beseech thee to pity me not according to my Prayers but according to My Wants Lord that I do not desire to serve thee that I do not hunger nor thirst after righteousness it is the greatest Misery that I have Meditat. XXIV Oh how terrible is the thought of Death to me is it not so much for want of Faith as holiness and indeed I find that I can never with comfort think on death but when I have liv'd very holily before for what will Faith in that case help Me without holiness for Faith without holiness is not faith but presumption Oh how sweet how dear how excellent a thing is holiness Oh how full of peace and joy is my Soul when I am full of that and yet Lord how careless am I of thy service how many times in the day when I might think of thee without any hindrance of My Studies do I choose rather to think of vanity O wean my Soul O God from every thing that is not thee Fill my heart with thy self dwell in me my dear God! Why do I call thee dear when I prefer every trifle before thee O most glorious Lord God whom ten thousand Worlds cannot sufficiently praise nor love which art thy self and canst be no more nor canst be no less how easie Lord is it for thee to change My Heart Mine heart of Stone for an Heart of Flesh Lord as long as I have this heart of stone there is no hope that I should serve thee with any chearfulness or any constancy Lord hear my prayer Meditat. XXV O blessed God if the way of thy Providence be such that thou wilt not give so much Grace as to make me through the abundance of it almost whether I will or no to serve thee yet to whom thou dost give so much grace as to desire more grace O let not this desire which is of thy own infusing be in vain if there be any thing in the whole world that I desire more then thy grace then let me want grace to desire it any more Lord if the reason why thou deniest my prayer be because I do not desire as I ought I humbly beseech thee to grant that I ask aright alas my afflictions lie heavier on me then ever they did and I am more wicked or at least less holy then ever since my conversion I was how little am I affected with any thing that belongs to thy service nor yet doth it affect me that I am not affected Lord if there were any in heaven or in earth that could help me besides thee then considering my Manifold Sins I should I but Lord I would not thy Mercies are so great go to any other Now Lord now is the time to have Mercy upon me I am like the Man that went from Jerusalem to Jericho wounded naked and half dead I cannot call for help O let my wounds move thee to compassion if I could bewail my sinful Misery with tears of Repentance I know thou wouldest deliver me but I cannot weep nay hardly mourn Oh saint faint is my grief and cold is my love What wilt thou do Lord with one that scarcely from his heart desires to serve thee Alas what canst thou do for me more or less then to make me desire to serve thee Accept I must or for ever be lost What a low degree of goodness am I come unto a soul full of sadness and empty of goodness To morrow Lord I am to receive thee into my Soul thee my blessed Saviour Lord thou knowest I did not use to have a heart so empty of goodness when I expected thee to come next day Meditat. XXVI Lord now I do resolve to serve thee and in this particular especially I will not speak evil of any
man what injury soever he doth me Now I will so watch over my words that I will not offend with my Tongue And that by degrees I may attain some perfection herein I here vow every week between this and the next Communion to keep one day so strictly that I will not during that day speak so much as one idle word that day if I do I will give to the poor Lord how excellent is thy service so pure so sweet O that there were such a heart in me that I might for ever serve thee Meditat. XXVII When I read the Story of the Martyrs I do wish that I had lived in those dayes that I might also die as they did or methinks I could now willingly lay down my life rather then yield to the abominable Idolatry and Superstitions of the Sea of Rome but when I search try my heart I much fear that the reason of this my desire is because I think it easier to lay down my life for Christs sake then for his sake to overcome my corruptions for it being but one act though it hath more pain yet being but of small continuance it is less trouble then all my life long to fight against sin and thus I do ill even in my best wishes in divers respects For I chose Martyrdom not because thereby I might more honour God but that I might the sooner and easier come to heaven And again that I think I might content my self though I did not so much hate corruption if I died a Martyr all would be well whereas Though I give my body to be burnt and have not Charity it would profit nothing and to love God it is impossible for him that doth not hate and fight against his corruptions Alas O my Soul how weary are we of our Spiritual Fight and we would fain find some other way to Heaven then by the continuance of it O that I were dead to the World yet while we know something better we shal not think so We talk much of the Vanity of the World but who believes that the World is Vanity and vexation of Spirit Or who is sensible of this Truth Or if he were sensible of it and sometimes affected with it yet it soon wanisheth and we do not live accordingly How much easier is it to speak like an Angel then live like a Saints Meditat. XXVIII Lord that thou wouldest do it for me take my Soul and my Body what shall I do with them any longer I govern them so ill and indeed am so unable to govern them that they govern me Lord if thou shalt condemn me at the last Day I do now justifie thee and testifie to all the world that thou art just though then if such a time shall come I shall blaspheme thee My dear God I have yet a spark of thy love I will not leave that small hold of thee for ten thousand Worlds I know Lord there is no dallying with thee What if I spoke with the Tongue and writ with the Pen of Men and Angels it is nothing Lord take a poor soul at his word Lord I am thine and do now give my self and ten thousand Worlds if I had them to thee yet when thou dost take from me some poor part of my Estate I murmure Alas I have a poor weak heart Meditat. XXIX Lord my knowledge of thee is but small and that which is is but little Spiritual or Experimental To know thee by what others write and say of thee is sweet to them that can set their Seal to it from their own experience Lord what is it that hath kept me so long from thee or kept thee so long from me I know that I have been wanting to thee and to my self Lord take my heart I have too much love for any besides thee though I have too little for thee Oh how sweet are the thoughts of thee and would be sweeter if I thought oftner and longer and more attentively of thee Alas I am almost grown out of acquaintance with thee I do not perceive my corruptions in any thing more then in this that though to think of thee be a thing so easie and so profitable yet I think so seldom My dear God deliver me from the business of the World Suits of Law and such things they undo me they take up my thoughts that I cannot be rid of them I feel upon me the curse which thou threatnest upon the people of Israel If they would not serve thee with joy they should serve strangers with a great deal of hardship I was well while I was with thee then I had my Songs in the night now my dayes are turned into the shadow of Death Lord draw me draw me make the cords of thy love stronger or rather then I should perish make the cords of thine afflictions stronger and if I murmure scourge me while I leave murmuring How true do I finde that saying He that injures forgives not My wickedness I have committed against thee makes me not able to believe almost that thou art or canst be reconciled unto me When I should do more for thee and less against thee I shall easilier believe thy loves or rather when thy Spirit shall shed abroad thy love in my heart I shall know thou lovest me I sigh and Mourn and Weep over my poor Soul but cannot help it Dear Lord Let My Tears prevail with thee Pity pity have pity upon a poor languishing Soul that is even gasping out his last breath It grieves me to see what a sad condition I am in I am not yet in Hell and by thy Mercy I may never come thither but I am running thither Wo is me that I am constrained to live in Mesech and to have my habitation in the Tents of Kedar Meditat. XXX Lord I pray for Mercies and when I have them to see the unsuitableness of my Spirit to them and mine unthankfulness for them brings more sadness upon me then to want them All the things I begged of thee for temporal Mercies both in carrying me forth and bringing me home and concerning my business I went about not finding things in such a sad condition at home yet my poor heart is the same still and is as hard and as stony not willing to yield it self and all up to thee as if I were more able to order matters then thou Now my heart is subject to murmure that it is so hard when it should mourn Lord thou hast done enough to justifie thy love and thy tender compassions to me if thou shouldest never do more and not only thy justice could not be blamed but not thy Mercy Medit. XXXI Accept of my poor prayers and when at the last day when the secrets of all hearts shall be known the hypocrisie and cold and my Desires shall be known and thy goodness shall be admired in hearing such prayers as mine are For the light of thy Countenance to shine upon and the Breathings
of thy Spirit to blow upon a Garden of Spices is not so much for the advancement of thy Free grace as for thee to shine upon and thy Spirit to breath upon such a Dunghil as I am that sends forth such unisome savours as I do Lord if thou wilt be my God I have a body and a soul I will give thee them 'T is true they are thine already but alas if I had any thing to give that were not thine I would but I have not Meditat. XXXII Lord I wait to see the day of my Salvation and the hour when thou wilt shew me thy loves and when I shall lie in thy bosome and arms and hear the beatings of thy heart in love and the soundings of thy bowels towards me and know thy everlasting thoughts of love to me when thou shalt seal the pardon of my sinnes to me and make me read thee Counterpain of the Covenant of love between thee and me which thou reservest in Heaven and is fair and not blotted as mine is and when shall the day of the love and joyes of my Espousals return and my thoughts be swallowed up in love Lord why shouldest thou with-hold thy love the Manifestations of thy love Can thy love be concealed from thy Beloved I will wait for the Discoveries of thy love I am loth to do any thing before thou comest whom my soul loveth for fear thou shouldest come when I am not looking for thee and thou escapest me I look every Prayer to see thee come leaping on the Mountains and skipping upon the Hills as a Row or an Hinde But I see thee not Why dost thou put a Spark of Love into my heart If thou wilt leave me why didst thou cast thy Mantle upon me and when I low after thee say what hast thou done thy loves are better then Wine sweeter then honey even more to be desired then life it self Lord if the small Sparks and relishes of thy Love be so sweet to me what will the feeding on this heavenly Manna be If a drop of thy love be so sweet what will the overflowing be If thy smiles bring so much joy what will thy embraces do Lord I long till I am undone with thy love All my carnal and Worldly Joyes undone Lord it is not my unworthiness that should hinder me nor will hinder me from bestowing Lord help my unbelief VVell Lord if I must walk in darkness and see no light yet give me thy Grace that I may stay my self upon my God My life is but short and when the hour of my departure shall come then I shall enjoy him whom my Soul loveth and know as I am known then I shall forget the sorrows pains and throws of my travel for the joy that shall be revealed My Bride saith come and the Spirit saith Come Come Lord Jesus Come quickly Meditat. XXIII I wait for the appearing of the Lord Jesus Christ if thy love be as fire in straw or such like matter lie smoaking and makes ones eyes weep while one strives to find the fire at last it being able to hold no longer breaks forth into a great flame and the longer it is before it discovers it self the greatter is the flame and light when they do break forth Lord whilâ—st I am looking for thy love thou makest me weary let the length of thy stay be made up by the fulness of thy Presence and Greatness of thy Manifestations when thou comest I seek thee in my Prayers and I say O where art thou whom my soul loveth and yet thou sendest me away weeping and mourning I seek on my bed when I awake in the night but I find thee not I speak with those which have found thee and they tell me nay I know it by thy word that thou art near to every soul that seeks thee and when a poor soul cries thou wilt answer it then I multiply my prayers and call lowder and yet my prayers are as the wind that passeth away and returns no more O my Lord and my God thy love was strong enough to suffer and thou didst suffer and thou didst die that thou mightest make known and commend thy love unto the Sons of Men and now thou hast done all this to manifest thy love and wilt thou hide it from me Creature-love hath wrought strange in me I have never been weary of their discourses and humane learning how hath it made me ravisht with some learned saying and if thou wouldest discover thy love and shed that abroad in my heart certainly it would work wonders For the Creatures flames of love are but as a blaze that straw makes but is soon out it hath not substance enough to nourish and maintain what it begets For Creature-Excellencies are not strong enough to keep up the delight we take in them but thou Lord art love and thou art such a treasure of excellencies that the poor soul makes new discoveries of those treasures every day To all Eternity thou art enough to keep alive and in full strength all the love and joys and praises of Saints and Angels Lord thou art enough to answer thine own love but what am I that I should speak of thee thou art so glorious that I am afraid to speak of thee Meditat. XXXIV Lord I call and thou dost not answer I am even tired out if thou dost not support I sink under the burden I long and look to see thy beauty but I cannot behold nor perceive one glympse that thou art excellent I see by the eye of faith but excellencies do not affect me All my prayers are turned unto this Lord shew me Christ and him whom my soul loveth for I have heard of him and the same of his excellencies have come unto me yet mine eyes have not seen him I think with my self Surely Christ manifesting himself and to be filled with all the fulness of God and to have a conversation in Heaven must needs signifie more then ever I have experienced in my self For such poor things as I have found wrought in my soul cannot fill up those expressions Then I hear of those whose lives are spiritual and Christ-like not glorious in out ward mortifications Thou art blameless that way speaking of such things which God hath wrought for them and in them which I have not found but are the very same things which are in my view and I follow after to attain but cannot Then from their relation of the Lords dealings with them I perceive that God did humble them more before he did discover himself unto them then ever he hath as yet humbled me so that I find no rest day nor night in my spirit and yet though I am thus restless in seeking after something which I cannot know what is it I seek for I cannot discern any true sincere constant love to Christ. He neither lets me know that he lovesme nor that I love him so that I stand amazed and know not what
late or my repentance more profound in the midst of this consideration I can hardly say but think with my self VVhy should I delay or refrain my enjoyment of God and am ready to say within my self The false joyes in God are better then the true joyes of the world these joyes are too sweet to let go Lord Jesus when thou kissest me with the kisses of thy mouth I will kiss the Son lest he be angry Lord thou art too good for me if I may say so how could I ever expect that thou shouldest come near me more the poor love I have makes me say a thousand worlds and a thousand heavens for my God the small beams of the light of thy countenance are so sweet Lord if thou wouldest but continue the joyes thou sometimes affordest I had enough I need not the comforts of the world to make it up nor fear the afflictions of the world though one need continual supplies comforts to support one yet they could not spend them Meditat. XLIII I will go to God saith David he is mine exceeding joy a sweet saying O that there were such a heart in me yet I have an unâ—nflamed heart a frozen heart if I leave all things and my self I should find thee but these poor joyes of the world quench the joys of the Spirit I shut out the glorious beams of thy heat and light and light up the Candles of the Creatures which have neither heat nor light in comparison of thine When I go about to rejoyce in thee My sins come and tell me that they must be mourned for first Any thing Lord any thing so that I may do what is pleasing in thy sight I am willing to stay for my joyes while thou art pleased to give them Only I beseech and desire these three things of thee 1. That I may not want grace though I want joyes 2. That I may not go about to make up the want of thy joyes with carnal joyes let me not kindle a fire walk and rejoyce in the light and sparks of what I have kindled c. 3. That though thou hast kindled joy yet that I may have sorrows that are Spiritual Lord how abundantly good art thou to them that love thee I lie under the weight of thy love and thy joy when I come hungry and thirsty to 〈◊〉 to be satisfied with thy joy to 〈…〉 lie now as a ship upon 〈…〉 while the Tide of thy 〈…〉 and lift me up and carry me into the Ocean of thy goodness When Mary Magdalen stood weeping at the Sepulchre thou didst call her by her name and she forgot all her sorrows she left her tears the Sepulchre and the Aâ—gel and cried out Rabboni My heart makes me believe that I would give the whole world to see Jesus Christ for I think if I could see him I should lie down at his feet and beg his grace and he would not deny me This is part of my weakness and want of faith for he hears my prayers as fully and is as willing to grant them now he is in Heaven as if he were on earth Lord Jesus thou that never did'st deny any poor soul that came to thee for grace and pardon thou never sendest them empty away but grantest their request Have mercy upon me O Lord my need and wants are as many and as great as many and as great as any of them all and if my sense of my misery be not so great my misery is so much the greater Meditat. XLIV Lord I perceive that spiritual sorrows and spiritual joys are wholly thy work for my sins are as many as great and of as deep a dye as any in the world that is not the sin against the holy Ghost and I am fully and sensibly convinced of it that they are so and yet I am as senceless as if my condition were quite hopeless for were it not so could I possibly be so feared as I am Thou hast said I will take away the stony heart Lord if thou wilt work who or what can hinder My corruptions and my sins have and do harden my heart by having and committing them nor will they soften it by considering them What hinders thee from taking away the infidelity and stoniness of my heart If that hardness and infidelity doth why that is the thing to be cured If I were not sick I need not a Physitian Lord I say not this to justifie my self for it is thou of thy free grace that must justifie me for I am lost And so for Joyes and Comforts though I read and hear of the Comforts that thou pourest out on others I am not moved nay those very Stories and sayings which have formerly inflamed me now are as sparks falling into the Sea warm not at all alas when I shall meet thee at the last day thy Mercies they shall testifie against me when they shall witness my sleightings of them my fruitlesness under them and unthankfulness for them What can I say Alas my poor soul we are undone but that day is not come yet one hour more the Lord it may be will give me Come Lord Jesus Come quickly Come into my poor soul for I am afraid to meet thee at the Tribunal of thy Judgement If thou wert on the Earth methinks I could go with confidence to thee that thou wouldest hear me but now thou art in heaven I cannot Blessed are they who have not seen and yet believe Lord I have received double for all my sins in respect of any profit or pleasure I have had by them I have had full measure prest down and running over but alas my vexation of Spirit is more gall then all the pleasures that I have had that have been worldly The loss and want of the discoveries of thy love cannot be recompensed with all that the world hath thy loves are better then wine Indeed in respect of the offence to thee every prayer deserves hell Meditat. XLV Lord I am as afraid of Comforts as of terrours for when I have comforts I am subject to pride my self in them and instead of having sweet thoughts of thee have high thoughts of my self Afflictions breed sorrow and comforts pride Sorrow is better then pride My preaching is my temptation and and my accuser If I preach not the strictest wayes of God my negligence condemns me and if I domy Sermons condemn me For my life is hell I am afraid of publishing something I have by the help of thy Spirit written left my life should do no more harm by scandal then the writings should do good by directing to holiness and yet sometimes I think that if I publish and own such writings they would be a strong Engagement to live more holily But I have something against that also for that Motive would in short time lose its strength Such waxen wings would melt and let me fall to my former wayes and that holiness which is born up with such
O my Soul how comes it to pass that we thought of these things no sooner 'T is a strange thing that our hearts and the world should so far deceive us that we should prefer every trifling thing before that which concerns us more then ten thousand worlds we have served the world which was not made but to serve us 1. Abhor thy life past Well I am resolved to leave you ye vain and sinful pleasures I will no longer dote upon you you have but too long bewitcht my soul. I might have had a thousand holy thoughts and prayers and Treasures of Alms laid up for Eternity which I am sure I should not have repented of when I come to die and you vanities have took up my time and stole away my heart and thoughts from these things Well I have enough of you I have done with you for the rest of my strength and dayes I will give unto my God 3. Turn thy self to God and say Blessed God wilt thou accept of the service of a poor wretch that hath spent so much of his time and strength upon base lusts vanities Nay surely Lord If thou wilt accept of such a wretch as I am such a heart such love such service as I have I will give to thee and for the time to come thou shalt be the very joy of my Soul and the deliciousness of my thoughts and dost thou indeed entreat and importune me to be reconciled how wonderful is thy Mercy that notwithstanding I provok't thee hitherto daily to thy face yet that thou shouldest follow after me to embrace me whereas what could be expected but that thou shouldest pursue me to destroy me Resolutions Well by the blessing of God I am resolved that though heretofore I have spent whole dayes in such and such like recreations which at best are but vanities for this moneth I will either not use such and such recreations at all or at least spend no more time any day in them then I do in Prayer and Meditation and I hope one day the Lord will work in me such a heavenly frame of Spirit that Prayer and Meditation shall be in stead of a thousand recreations David was of that temper for he saith that he will go to God his exceeding joy and that the Law of God was dearer to him then thousands of Gold and Silver and that his heart was ready to break for the very desires and longings that he had after God O my Soul that will be a rare time when it shall be thus with us Why should David love â—od more then we â—e forgave David much but he hath forgiven us more wâ—ll O my soul if thou wilt pray hard and follow hard after God thou little knowest what he will doe for thee and the joyes that he hath laid up for them that love him even in this world are unspeakable and glorious Conclusion 1. Pray Lord thou knowest the deceitfulness of my heart the strength of my corruptions and the multitude of Snares and Temptations which encompass me on every side especially when I am in worldly employments in company thou knowest how subject holy flames are to go out therefore be thou pleased by the holy breathings of thy Spirit to keep these holy fervours of love from being quench't 'T is not the strength of my resolutions that can enable me to resist temptations if I am not kept by the mighty power of thee my God I am lost 2. Praise God blessed be thou O God for an heavenly Motion or Desire that hath been wrought in me thou might'st have suffered me as thou dost thousands I have provoked thee as much as they never to be convinced of or affected with these Truths 't is thy wonderful Mercy that thou didst make me for such a blessed end as the enjoyment of thy self and much greater Mercy that thou hast let me know so much but most of all that thou hast given me a heart to desire and endeavour after it Bless the Lord O my Soul 3. Acknowledge thy failings alas Lord whatsoever is wrought in me that 's good had been far greater but that I am green wood to the sparks of thy love Lord pardon the iniquity of my holy services My highest and most inflamed thoughts of thee are unworthy of thee It is well that I have thee to love whom I need not fear loving too much After the Meditation is ended 1. Think with thy self which of these Truths or what passage of this Meditation did most warm thy heart and affect thee and fix it and treasure it up in thy thoughts keeping it as it were a Nosegay in thy hand to smell unto all the day 2. Set down this that thou hast resolved to spend no more time in such a Recreation then thou shalt spend in Prayer and Meditation 3. Go unwillingly from this duty and do not rush into worldly businesses but look to thy heart which is a slippery deceitful thing Meditat. II. Of the Mercies of God 1. BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God 2. Pray beg of God that he would put such considerations and thoughts into thy heart that thou maist be so convinced of and affected with his goodness that thou maï'st love praise and serve him Considerations 1. Consider how much thou art engaged to God for bodily Mercies he hath given thee thy senses sight hearing and other parts of thy body It thou did'st want thy sight what woulst thou give for it if thou wast Emperour of the world How many thousand pound wouldst thou give A Diamond is not therefore worth no more then 6 d because a poor man can give no more if thou shouldst reckon up what thy hands feet health liberty were worth to what a vast Sum would they arise Thou hast all these things from God thou hast not them from thy Parents they know not before thou wert born whether thou shouldest be Male a Female thou maâ—'st say to God as David did In thy Book were all my members written 2. Consider what faculties of Soul God hath given thee What a miserable condition are mad men in those that are born Natural Fools Thou art well and thousands are sick thou hast plenty when thousands beg their bread 3. Consider what spirituality of Mercies God hath given thee how many thousand poor ignorant Heathens are there which never heard of God and of Christ who were born and bread where the Gospel is not preached but worship the Devil but thou dwellest in the Sunshine and under the droppings of the Gospel and are not these great Mercies and unvaluable If thou dost not value them it argues so much the greater goodness in God to bestow them upon thee nay hath not God made thee to know him he hath not only given thee the light of the Gospel but eyes to behold it 4. Consider the greatness of God why should he look after thee nay why doth he not destroy thee Thou art but a
that they would consider their latter end These serious considerations of our death and preparations for it is one of the chiefest points of wisdom in the world 7. Consider if thou miscarry in this great work of concernment viz. thy death thou art undone for ever If thou mightest live again and mend that errour which thou committedst in thy dying ill then there were some hope but it is appointed for all men once to die and but once Affections 1. Abhor Sin It is you and you only that can make that hour miserable unto me Alas O my Soul though we now have slight thoughts of such and such Sinnes through the deceitfulness of Satau and our own hearts yet at that hour if we had a thousand worlds we would give them all for that which we have so little regarded while we live viz. that we had kept a strict Communion with God and watch over our own hearts 2. Despise the World O ye vanities and fooleries of the world why should I spend my time and strength in following after you what have ye done for me or what can you do when I shall stand most in need of comfort you will not only prove vanities but vexation of Spirit Solomon hath tried you and he hath from his own experience and from the teachings of the Spirit hath told me that you are but vanity and all men when they come to die set their Seal to this Truth Shall I to mine own destruction yield to your enticements why should I not have the same opinion of you now as I certainly shall have when I come to die 3. Humble thy self before God and cast thy self into his arms of love beg wisdom of him every night I am a day nearer my Grave then in the morning I am nearer to it but Lord make me fitter for my Grave and when that hour shall come let it not come as a Thief in the night to rob me of my comforts and rather then that hour should not be an happy hour let my whole life be nothing but affliction and misery Alas Lord if thou deniest me this Petition what wilt thou give me Thou hast said O that they were wise that they would consider their latter end and I said Lord teach me so to number my dayes that I may apply my heart unto wisdom Resolutions O my Soul since things are thus let us not resist known Truths shall we neglect these Truths because they are plain if they are abstruce then we doubt them If they are plain shall we despise them Dost thou not know how soon thou shalt die then what have we to doe that must be done before we die do it with all thy might for the night comes wherein no man works My children are not yet sufficiently instructed in the wayes of God I will set apart half an hour in a day to instruct them for this moneth or give so much to the poor every time I miss there is such a neighbour or acquaintance who goes on in wicked wayes and my words have so much power with him that I am confident if I do earnestly beg of God to bless me in the work and take him privately and lay before him his danger and press him to holiness he may be wrought upon I have omitted it hitherto but I am resolved sometime within a week to take some opportunity to speak seriously and home unto him or give so much to the poor and so every week give so much to the poor until I have spoke with him c. And since it so much concerns me to be prepared for Death I will every day make it one special clause of my prayer to beg of God that he would fit me for that hour and I will lay up a Treasury in heaven by giving to the poor and make my self friends of this unrighteous Mammon that when I fail they may receive me into their habitations Conclusion 1. Pray Beg of God that he would increase in thee strong Spiritual apprehensions of Death and that the thoughts of Death might imbitter every unlawful pleasure to thee Say unto God Lord how few dayes are between me and eternity whether of horrour or of glory I am not yet fully satisfied It is a sad thing that a thing of so great concernment I should be uncertain of O blessed God let this Meditation so work upon me that I may not cease to pray unto thee and to examine my self and use all holy means for the making of my Calling and Election sure For very shortly I shall be past praying past examining for when thou shalt summon me out of this life then I must come to judgement therefore those resolutions that I have made of walking more strictly give me grace to perform them to the utmost 2. Praise God blessed be thy Name O God for any inward motions of thy Spirit that thou hast afforded me and for any c. 3. Acknowledge thy weakness c. blessed God if my heart were not so base so hard so vile that it alwayes hindereth me either in holy Duties or from holy Duties it were not possible but that such serious Truths such powerful spiritual practical truths should have wrought so mightily upon me that I should never from this very hour be deceived any more with the vanities of the world but should have set my self and made it my business to prepare for that great day c. After all 1. Think what passages most affected thee 2. Write down thy resolutions c. 3. Go unwillingly from the duty Meditat. V. Of the Day of Judgement 1. BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God 2. Beg of God that he would enable thee seriously to think of firmly to believe and strongly to be affected with the Truths concerning the day of Judgement Considerations 1. Consider how Dreadful and Terrible that day will be when the Sea shall roar when the very powers of heaven shall be shaken when Christ shall come with thousands of his Angels in flaming fire When an Angel came down from Heaven to rowl away the stone the Souldiers that watched there became as dead men nay the holiest men that have liv'd have been exceedingly afraid at things of far less Terrour then those things are which will be at the day of Judgement For Moses himself did exceedingly fear and tremble when he heard and saw the terrible signs that were at the giving of the Law and the blessed Apostle Hebr. 12. 21. became as a dead man when he saw Christ not in a flaming fire as he shall appear at the day of Judgement Rev. 1. 17. 2. Consider that at the day of Judgement Sin will appear out of measure sinful for then it will appear with all its aggravations for the Majesty Holiness and Mercies of God will appear in their perfect glory Men shall then know what it is to sinne against God our ignorance of God now makes us senseless of the sinfulness
all Eternity maynifying admiring and adoring God that ever he gave thee leave and grace to serve him then shalt thou see and so thy experience shall make thee confess with joy and wonder that the light afflictions and labours of love that thou endurest in this life are not worthy to be compared to the joyes that shall be revealed in thee VVhen at any time thou beginnest to be weary look to the price of thine high calling and when thou comest to heaven thou shalt admire when thou seest how abundantly thou art over recompensed and thou wilt have just cause to say Lord what is this that thou hast done for me alas what were the things that I either did or suffered in thy service what were my filthy rags that thou shouldest give me such a Robe and Crown of Glory O my Soul what if we do weep now the time is at hand when God will wipe all tears from our eyes O my son these things cannot be believed and slighted and understood and neglected If thou dost not believe them what is the reason Are they too glorious things for God to bestow upon such wretched sinners why dost thou set bounds to the goodness of God and say Hitherto thou shalt go and no further nay doubtless since God hath said that he will do that which shall glorifie his goodness to his people the incredibility of it makes it more credible but if thou art convinced of the truth why art thou not affected with the Excellencies of these Joyes dost thou not relish them well For the time to come I will meditate more of these things I will by giving to the poor lay up my Treasures in Heaven I will part with such and such vain delights for it I will spend more time and communion with God in praising admiring and adoring of him that if it be possible by frequent performing of these Duties I may at last taste and relish the incomprehensible sweetness of them that I may be enamoured more of heaven and because all my endeavours are in vain if the Lord reveals not these things unto me therefore I will beg of God that he will discover the riches oâ— his goodness to me I have not been careful enough nor sensible enough of Sins of Omission when I have had no just thing to take up â—y thoughts yet I have not thought of thee henceforth when my heart is affected with thy Excellencies thy love thy mercies I will praise thee when it is not I will pray to thee that it may and for my Master-sin mine iniquity I will be most frequent in those duties that are most contrary to it I will especially in my reading of Scripture take notice of and write down those places and those examples that are most proper for the cure I will speak against my iniquity that if it may be I may thereby the more engage my self to leave it Meditat. VII Of the Excellencies of Christ. 1. BE convinced of and affected with the prefence of God 2. Desire of him who only can to manifest the Excellency of Christ unto thee Considerations 1. Consider that if the holiest man that ever lived lived near thee what high expectations wouldest thou have of his carriage and conference when thou sawest his zeal and patience c. But no man lived ever without Sinne Therefore suppose an Angel should take upon him humane Nature and live amongst us with what enflamed expressions and affections would he speak of God of Heaven and every thing that is Spiritual But alas his carriage his holiness his wisdom where as nothing in comparison of Christs For there was not any word or action that eyer Christ spoke or did that if all the Angels of heaven had studied and set down how it ought to have been done or they themselves should have been to have done it they could not have equalled it nay even God the Father had he taken our Nature he would not have spoke or done any word or thinÌ„g which should have had in respect of it self or any circumstance more holiness or wisdom then Christs words and actions had so that certainly in this respect he that saw Christ saw the Father as he himself saith 2. Consider the wonderful wisdom of Christ Certainly he was greater then Solomon For though he was the humblest man that ever lived yet he himself said so nor did it any more argue pride in Christ to say that he was wiser then Solomon then it would have argued in Solomon that he knew more then a New-born Babe VVhen his most malicious and cunning Adversaries came to eâ—snare him in his words so that they thought it were impossible for him to say I or No to their Questions without extraordinary prejudice to himself yet he Answered with such admirable wisdom and innocence that they went away ashamed of their Folly Nay when Satan himself came and set upon him with his subtilest Temptations that he could possibly find out yet our Saviour without Deliberation and Study immediately answered him so fully that he could not so much as reply but was fain to fly to another Temptation and no marvel for he was the Wisdom of the Father 3. Consider the wondeful and exceeding holiness of Christ when he was in the height of all his Agonies and Sufferings he abated not any thing of his Love and confidence in God For his Sufferings did not make him forget or diminish any thing no not in the least circumstance of his Graces or of any thing that the Law required at his hands To be so freely willing 〈…〉 that Agony continue which was unspeakable and as the Torments of hâ—ll â—f his Father pleased was more then if those in hell should freely submit to endure the Torments they suffer The holiness of those in heaven is not comparably so much greater then the weakest Saint on earth As the holiness of Christ was greater whilest he lived on earth then that of those in heaven Nay all the Saints on Earth are fil'd from his fulness For he is the Fountain that conveyes to his Saints as they are able to receive the infinite Ocean of the holiness of the God-head No marvel that the Angels when they saw his glory cryed out Holy Holy Lord God of Sabbaths 4. Consider that not withstanding all these infinite Excellencies in Christ he thought it no robbery to be equal to the Father yet how exceedingly did he humble himself and how gracious was he The poorest man or woman in the Word nay the greatest Sinner that truly repented with what love did he receive them He was the Son of Righteousness from whom the Angels receive their Glory and yet he disdains not to shine upon such Dunghills as we are It is strange O my soul to consider how willing Christ was to please every one only provided it was in things that were not for their hurt that desired them Many times nay most times when others were with him when he
above any thing in the world and because there was some small crum of another meat which he had an antipathy against he should fling all with violence and detestation away were not this enough to satisfie you that he abhorred that meat a crum whereof made him abhor that which he so much loved Suppose you should see one take a Watch whose wheels and all the rest were cut out of intire Diamonds and spying some little small and almost undiscernable Spider in it should fling it to the ground with so much violence that he should break it all to pieces it would evidently argue how much he detested a Spider What excellent Creatures are Angels and yet because a Sin though but of thought was found in them how doth it cast them like lightning into Hell Suppose further thou shouldest see the meekest wisest man lovingest Father in the world taking his Son and scourging of him with rod after rod until that he were all of gore blood from head to foot and though he cried out and begged of his Father to spare yet he would not spare him but scourged him to death Would you not say that the Son had done somewhat that the Father did wonderfully abhor Hath not God dealt thus with Christ Did he not chastise him until he shed blood from the Crown of the head to the sole of the feet Did not Christ die under his correcting hand did not Christ cry out again and again Father if it be possible let this cup pass from me And did he not love Christ more then any Father loved his Son and all this because Christ was guilty of Sin though but as a surety these things are not inventions of wit or rhetorick but real Truths If the dostroying of Sodom Gomorrha Jerusalem Angels and the most part of Adams posterity and the whole world save eight persons If the Sufferings of Christ be not enough to satisfie thee of Gods hatred of sin then thou maist go on to thy own destruction but know this that it will be bitterness at the last 2. Consider what thou dost when thou sinnest every sinner doth virtually put Heaven and Christ and God and his favour and loving-kindness and all his promises in one scale and that pleasure profit or honour which sin promiseth with a wouded conscience the torments of hell the wrath of God in the other scale and doubtless virtually a sinner chooseth sin with all these mischiefs before the service of God with all his mercies It is as if a sinner should say rather then I wilâ— not satisfie my base lust I will part with God with Christ with heaven and all I will suffer his wrath let God do his worst I will have my will Every obstinate sinner doth in his heart say thus and though now thou 〈◊〉 imaginest it yet at the day of judgment this will be made manifest to thee as iâ— it were writ with a beam of the Sun things that now seem less consequent shall then be made evident A wicked wretch that sees one of Gods people hungry naked imprisoned and doth not releive him he little thinks that is all one as if he had seen Christ so and not relieved him but at the day of judgment Christ will make it manifest unto him 3. Consider how often thou hast sinned against God every unconverted man doth nothing else his plowing is an abomination All his imaginations are only evil and that continually Nay though thou art one of Gods people yet David cries out that his sins are more in number than the hairs on his head and dost thou think thy sins are fewer then Davids how many years hast thou lived how many dayes hours minutes thy sins are more The Hour-Glass that runs hath not so many sands in it as the sins that thou committest in that hour If thou dost not beleive this consider that there is not one of thy thoughts words actions but is polluted with abundance of sins If thou sayest Our Father since thou dost not speak it with that reverence attention fervency faith love joy confidence admiration of his goodness and many other which we are engaged to have when we call God by the Name of Father thou becomest guilty of all the contrary sins and many more that are not named in speaking that one word in thy prayer not as thou oughtest Fear not making thy sins seem greater or more then then they are 4. Consider further for what trifling vanity nay for what base things that thou wilt be ashamed to own before men thou hast lost God lost thine own soul if thou returnest not and hast brought on thy self more miseries than the tongue of man can express or the heart of man concieve theâ—e is nothing thou â—â—â—st with thy eyes or hearest with thy eares or fâ—â—lest with thy hands is more certainly true than this But alass bâ—â—ause thou hâ—st heâ—rd iâ— so â—ftâ—n and God or his â—â—finâ—te goodness and patience hath noâ— made thee yet to feel the stroak of his justice and the misery due to sin thou wilt not believe 〈◊〉 though his threaâ—nings be never so clearly for down and with much earnestness 5. Consider against what precious mercies what sweet love what blessed experience holy inspirations what abundance of means strong resolutions 〈◊〉 promises clear light c. â—hou hast â—inned Affections 1. Pray to God to help to a further sense of the sinfulnesse of sin Blessed God must all these considerations pass as a Serpent on a stone without making any impression upon my soul Lord give me an affecting knowledge of the sinfulness of sin and not have such slight thoughts of sinne as I have had but grant that I may esteem of Sinne as thou esteemest it 2. Talk with thine own Soul about this matter O my Soul are these considerations true or false If thou thinkest them false bring thy objection shew wherein the errour lies which thou canst never do but if they be true as certainly they are how comes it to pass that we have made nothing of sin 't is vain for us to put off the sence of our sins until it be too late 3. Be confounded and ashamed in the presence of God Alas O Lord my God as a thief is ashamed when he is taken or as a woman is ashamed when her adulteries are found out by her loving husband so a thousand times more I desire to be confounded and ashamed in thy presence when I consider how abominable my life hath been and how that I have committed my abominations even in thy sight and provok't thee to thy face and had not thy patience and mercy been infinite thou could'st never have stood out against so many provocations I had been in hell roaring and blaspherning long before this day and then I had been past prayers and past mercies and past pardon What shall I say unto thee O thou preserver of men to excuse my sins I cannot I have nothing but
the multitude of thy tender compassions and thy free grace in Jesus Christ to flie unto Lord lay my sins home to me to humble me and to break my stony heart but lay them not to my charge to condemn me If thou had'st not in thy word promised forgiveness to Sinners through Jesus Christ I could no more hope to obtain pardon then ever the Devils themselves Resolutions It is enough O my soul and too too much that we have been undoing our selves and provoking God thus long That we have as it were with all our power pulled down the vengeance of God upon us and as it were kindling his wrath against us but he hath not suffered his whole Displeasure to arise nor suffered us to perish though we would blessed be his Name that we have not committed the Sinne against the Holy Ghost which we certainly had done had he given us up to the strength of our own corruptions and to the power and malice of Satan to improve them to our destruction Is it true indeed that God saith Yet return and I will save thee doth he stand with stretched out arms doth he indeed stand with stretched out arms to imbrace us is it possible he should be so gracious to forgive such and so many sins and of such long continuance well blessed be God we will go unto him and never offend him more We will hereafter whensoever we are tempted unto sinne say what sinne against such love such mercy such experiences offend that God that hath pardoned us that hath done such things for us and is not content with that but hath promised to doe more I will not hereafter stand parlying with Temptations but I will cry out unto God and say Lord help me for I suffer violence and in particular I am in some measure sensible that I pray not with that servency and reverénce as I ought to do for the time to come I shall by the blessing of God mend that I am too passionate well since God hath been so gracious as to forgive so many so great so grievous sins that mine own heart is not able to understand their vileness or number I will not hereafter be troubled when I hear my neighbour or underling or when I hear my fellow N. use such or such taunting words against me I will not be provoked by this or that despight or contemptuous trick that he or she doth use against me but rather I will endeavour to say or do such a thing to gain his good will and to pacifie his anger conceived against me for certainly his injuries are not comparable to my sinnes and yet God forgives me them there is a difference between I. N. and me I am resolved I will go to him and be reconciled this very day or if I cannot I will pray for him and speak well of him this very day if I have occasion to speak of him at all howsoever I will pray for him now Conclusion 1. Pray desire God that he would increase thy Detestation of sin and that thou mightest as well hate Sin as leave Sin and that he would not let any Spark that hath been kindled by his own Spirit go out in thee Say unto him Lord I doe not beg Riches I can go to heaven without them please thee without them but I beg of thee Grace and strength against corruptions pardon of sins if thou deniest me these I am undone 2. Praise God Blessed be thy Name that my heart hath been in any measure affected with the hatred of sin that I have in any measure known and considered the things that belong to my peace thou might'st have suffered me to drop into hell and never to have thought of it before I had been there but thou hast not dealt so with me 3. Acknowledge thine one unworthiness of so great patience as God hath exercised towards thee thine inability to think any of those good thoughts that thou hast had c. as in the first Meditation After all think what passages most affected thee 2. Write down thy resolutions c. 3. Go unwillingly from the Duty Meditat. IV. Of Death 1. BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God 2. Pray for his assistance Considerations 1. Canst thou not remember that thou wert by such an one when he died didst thou not see how his countenance failed his eye-strings broke how he grew weaker and weaker at last grew speechless how he throtled in the throat how his teeth grated how he sweated and strugled for life and at last gaspt and died consider that thus thou must do likewise how soon the Lord only knows that thou art well now is nothing that thou art young and strong now is nothing for how many are there that have been strong and well and as young as thou within a very few dayes after have been in their Grave That thou must die is certain when where how none knows but he that made thee only this is true that generally men die sooner then they expect 2. Consider that there will be an end of the World as to thee thou must leave Riches Friends Wife Children Houses Lands and thine one body also Thy friends may stand weeping by but they cannot prolong thy life one minute 3. Consider that when thou comest to die it will certainly not repent thee that thou hast spent so much time in prayer so much in meditation so much in holy duties it was never known since the world began that any one did then say O that I had prayed less though these holy Duties now seem irksome and troublesome to thee doubtless then they shall bring more comfort to thee then all those Riches and Vanities in which thou hast spent so much time and took so much delight in These things are certain and infallible our understandings cannot O that our lives did not deny them Consider how that the dearest friends thou hast in the world will hasten thy filthy carkass out of the doors they will scarce dare to stay with it alone but say as Abraham did Let me bury my dead out of my sight and then how seldom will they think or speak of thee or if they do what good will it do thee 5. Consider alas poor man whether will thy soul go then to hell or to heaven dost thou know to which dost thou not think thou shalt go that way which thou hast gone all thy life long if thou hast walk't in the wayes of hell how canst thou imagine that at the end of that journey thou should'st arrive at heaven 6. Consider what good will all thy wealth all thy pleasures all thy vanities do thee at that day they will all vanish as doth the morning dew Alas who knows not all these things and yet not one of a thousand consider and lay them to heart and to know these Truths live unsuitably to them doth but add to our folly madness O that they were wise saith God