the book was opened all that ever I had done was laid before me and my Good and evil was all judged I would have ran any way to have hid my self or to any one but I thought none was like me thus was my condition several weeks together I sought death in that day but I could not find it I would fain have dyed but death fled from me when day appeared I was afraid and also of the night many were the temptations to end my life but there was a secret power kept me from it and as I kept low I heard a voice cry Just and Righteous are the Judgements of the Lord and as I kept in a hope of deliverance was raised contrary to that Serpents voice for he said it would never be otherwise so yet I waited till some prophesies arose that Sorrow should endure for a Night but Joy should come in the Morning and so it was that as mine Enemies fell my Soul rejoyced my hard Heart was broken and the Lamb got the Victory and a precious condition I did enjoy and then were the Scriptures pretious to me as I came to witness to them and Sion was redeemed through judgement as it is at this day Now this is to inform your mindes that no other Way do I own no other Truth no other Life no other Rock no other Refuge no other hiding place in time of need then I owned at that day my Judgement is the same and my Guide my Teacher and my Life is the same now Why is this wonder both with Professor and Prophane at my great change It is nothing else but a woman that hath run after many Lovers returned to her former Husband again Now praises praises to his great Name for ever who did not shut up his Tender Compassion nor Seal me up for the day of Destruction Come let us Reason together of former Experiences though it will not be mentioned but to your sorrow and call to minde the Lords Doings my Soul was never so poured forth with pitty towards you nor laid so naked and bare before you you that were with me in that discovery aforementioned and many Revilings Mocks Scoffs Reproaches did we bear together and esteemed them as great Riches And did you not know a day of Suffering within you and drank deep of the Cup of the Lords fury and indignation which you called trouble And did you not know in some measure the Warfare and a daily Cross in the self-denyal of your own Words Wayes and Wills to yea and nay in your communication and to few words and did you not know a more purer Separation from the World then in Words and Houses Sink down and digg deep in your earthly hearts and read me there Did you not feed on daily bread in your Fathers house and on the Tree of Life whose Leaves healed the Nations And did you not loose that pretious estate by reaching out after the Tree of Knowledge and labouring to know more in the Scriptures then your lives could witnesse Both Teachers and others to that of God do I direct you who shall Witness for me in the day of the Lords Power and he that could speak most and discourse best was most esteemed and had forgotten the Antient Paths and much proving our selves to be Saints when our lives shewed before whose Servants we were as Saul when the Spirit of the Lord was departed from him then honour me before the people when he had lost the Honour that cometh from God then the image of the Beast was set up whose head was of gold and the false prophet and he that would not bow unto them must have no communion with us and they got a cover to cover deceit as Pride they called Decency Coveteousnesse Carefulnesse and Saving and Laughter they called rejoycing in the Lord Foolish-jesting and lying and anger and Malice they called Weaknesse and Failings Jangling about the meanings of Scriptures they called Contending for the Faith But really I could not own these things until I was Married then the Branches that were broken off for many years began to sprout again and then was I shut out of that Scripture there be Gods many and Lords many but to us there is but one God I durst not read it for the witnesse of God in my Conscience told me that I did set up in my heart other things beside the Lord as Husband and other Riches which soon did fall and now I set my Seal to the Apostles Words that Covetousnesse is the Root of all evil the same Light I now own did then shew me that I was in the Worlds Nature and did Condemn me when none else did for when things prospered I could be merry but when my Will was crossed anger and peevishnesse grew up I thought to cover my self saying all others were in that estate but that Covering was too narrow though the Administration of Condemnation is Glorious in its time yet another estate must be witnessed before peace be witnessed When I was by my self sober I saw my estate and that there was a great Gulf or a Cloud drawn between the Lord and I but all this while who could accuse me without and often there was brought to a perfect remembrance my former pretious condition I sat by the Waters of Babylon when I remembred Sion then I broke mine heart pouring out my Soul saying Cursed be the day that ever I tasted of that Fruit that was forbidden yea I wish that my tongue had cloven to the Roof of my Mouth rather then I should have spoke of one Scripture that I could not witnesse yea it is a repentance never to be repented of in this condemned estate I remained Then I questioned my Faith my hope and my Love my Repentance my Meat Drink and Aparrel though it was like to others who were called pretious Saints I knew not what to do nor which way to take sometimes I saw the Gate of Mercy opened but no way to enter but through Judgement I was willing to wait therein but when I felt it terrible with a mighty cross to the will of the flesh then I would mind another thing I heard a cry run through me saying their Servants you are to whom you obey whether in obedience to Righteousness or unrighteousnesse I had no rest at last I replyed Ah Lord do I not keep all thy Commandments he said nay I said do I not serve thee with Truth of heart The answer was whom dost thou serve when thou dost evil a man cannot serve two Masters and then my mouth was stopt then I would shun those thoughts then was brought to remembrance how I had read many years before a of man that when sad thoughts was in his heart he would get some merry thing to drive them away I had no rest I heard of a people called Quakers I enquired as the manner of professors did what was their Judgement let never so much humility
appear the answer was that the greatest professors in the Nation were the greatest enemies to the Crosse of Christ I do not justifie my self for condemnation hath passed on all my good and evil actions but I find very few professors walk so exactly as I did in those dayes concerning things without though all this did not reach so far as the Scribes and Pharisees who were clean on the out side I saw it to be so though we called our selves the Saints of the Most High yet I said in my self if the Saints condition was thus it was a miserable estate I was weary and heavy laden I went from meeting to meeting to find out one that was in my condition all were full and smoothed up one another with words and no Reformation I durst not partake of their Bread and Wine for I saw we were ignorant of the Lords Body I was brought very low and to a waiting condition what truth I heard declared I owned and the rest I let alone and said little waiting for the promise of the Lord to be fulfilled which I read of in the Scriptures that the Lord would Teach his People himself in this estate I remained almost a year I loved to be by my self for then I could pour out my Soul before the Lord saying Ah teach me the way that I should go and lead me in the Paths of Righteousnesse Oh when shall I see the day of thy appearance in fulfilling thy promise which thou hast made of old O why are thy Charret Wheels so long a coming O shall I never see the day of deliverance Thus my Soul groaned under a heavy burthen until I met with one of the Lords Messengers and sore sufferers for the Testimony of Jesus whose words struck deep through the Earth and reacht to the witnesse of God insomuch that I durst not speak a word against that thing that I once enjoyed I owned his words and spake against Professors Priests and People I denyed the Worlds words Wayes Fashions and Customs in a great measure I became a reproach a Proverb and a by-word unto the Countrey round about and yet the Life of Truth I knew not my Lovers and Acquaintance stood afar off me my familiar friends were ashamed to own me Professors they denied me as Philip Farmer a Teacher of others did judge me much for denying the Rule and stumbling at Strawes and leaping over Blocks and he affirmed that Jesus Christ did bid a woman God speed that was committing Adultery and that he did bid a man God speed at Plow and said he would prove it by Scripture and several lies more Another Teacher judged me for denying the Ordinance and he affirmed though Bread was Bread at the Bakers and Wine was Wine at the Vintners yet when it came to them it was the Body and Blood of Christ Friends I do not write this out of any evil will that I bear to any mans person the Lord is my witnesse but that Truth may appear and that you may see who denied the Rule them or I or who denied the coming of God them or I I did then denie the Rule that they walked by for all such actors are shut out of the Scriptures though at that time I knew not the right hand from the left though brought through that before mentioned I would have taken up a rest there but the flaming Sword which turned every way cut me down great were the sights that I saw with mine Eyes and that which I heard with mine Ears one woe poured out after another earth-quakes in divers places this was but the beginning of sorrows the great and Red Sea before me Pharaoh and his Host behind me and in that day I knew not God I durst not name his Name because I was not departed from iniquity I knew not what the first principle of Religion was I feared least any should ask a reason of my Faith I cried for the disquietnesse of my heart I curst the day and the hour my Mother brought me forth and in that year I did witnesse Pharaoh plagued with many plagues before he would let Israel go I would have done any thing that was pleasing in his sight but all was accursed nothing but Wars and rumours of Wars many dispairing thoughts entered into me I was like one that went from a Lyon and a Bear met him and leaned upon a wall and a Serpent bit him I was pleaded with by Sword and by Fire yea the Fire burned all the day till I was almost consumed I went about like a Fool or like one destracted yea if I had been to write but a Note of an outward thing I could not compose it no more then a natural Fool all my building was decayed not one stone upon another that was not thrown down I went mourning all the day like a woman that mourneth for her only Son there was no eye pitied me but then was the time of love I heard a voice cry agree with thy adversarie quickly whilst thou art in the way with him for Judgement am I come into this World that they which see not might see and they which see might be made blind Now praises praises to his great Name for ever who hath made a way in the deep Waters and path in the Sea for his own Seed to passe over and hath drowned Pharaoh and his great Host and overwhelmed them all and delivered Israel out of many troubles and hath turned and overturned till pure peace and joy is witnessed in the Land and I witnesse his words who said a woman that is in Travel hath sorrow because her hour is come but assoon as she is delivered of her Child she remembreth no more the anguish for joy but only for your sakes is the Father pleased to bring to remembrance and I dare not be silent but declare what the Lord hath done for my soul it may be those that are in the Serpents Wisdom will judge these things to be frothy empty things but really it is that which you must all pass through if ever you come to witness a Restauration again although you may create to your selves many rests yet it is that which will not indure the fire seven times to be tried My Friends I know the thing I call you Friends out of tender love and pitty that I bare to you though I have not found you so yet my love is dear to the Seed of God which is kept under in you Whether you will hear or forbear I have cleared my Conscience for I see Satans policy if he can keep men and women from believing in the Light then his kingdom stands sure for the Light discovers his dark wayes and works and leads the Creature out of them by degrees to an innocent estate and to a Holy Life Therefore retire your minds into that which shews you that you come too short of what you ought to be You have been long sweeping without and hath not made it clean now learn the Parable of the woman and sweep the house for verily there is no other place to find that which you have lost Dig deep to find that Pearl of great price and buy it though it cost you all you have do not esteem the Light a low thing calling it natural for verily if you will but wait in it it will discover spiritual wickednesse in high places and shew you the secret intents of your hearts this is that light which the Prophet prophesied of which should lighten the Gentiles and old Simeon and Anna rejoyced to see him that the Prophets prophesied of this is the True Light which John bare witnesse of and whosoever followed him should not abide in darknesse as he himself said this is he which Zacharias prophesied of which should give Light to them that sit in darknesse and in the shadow of death this is that Light which the Apostle Peter said Shone in a dark place until the day dawn and the day star arise in your hearts Therefore take heed to it this is he that searcheth the heart and trieth the Reins and sheweth to man what is his thoughts Amos 4.13 Thus have I in love to all your Souls written of the tender dealings of the Lord to my Soul as a warning to you that you should no longer resist the loving kindnesse of the Lord. THE END London Printed for Thomas Simmons at the Signe of the Bull and Mouth near Aldersgate 1660.
A LOVING SALUTATION To all People who have any desires after the Living GOD But especially to the Free-Will-ANABAPTISTS From one that desires the Eternal good of all Souls I. BEEVAN FRIENDS AS I was meditating on the wayes and works of the Lord I can truly say my meditation of him was sweet for now I have found him whom my Soul long thirsted after in Egypt Land I say as I was meditating there was brought by the power of the Lord a perfect remembrance of my sore Travel in that dark Land of Bondage now praises praises to his great Name for ever who hath sent Redemption to Israel and set the oppressed free and broken that heavy yoak and laid on his yoak that is easie and his burthen which is light Now in bowels of tender love to those that know me by face and name in the outward who hath been with me in many Trials and yet are resting there still in that which will not stand in the day of the Lords power when no covering will serve but the Spirit of the Lord Now if you will but sink down to that which is pure of God and see and feel your selves and me also and let that of God judge of my Travels in Egypt and the way from thence as the Lord God by his mighty power shall give me to relate That the Truth of God may flourish is the earnest desire of my Soul that he may be exalted above all Therefore I shall relate a little of the long suffering of the Lord and how unwilling he is that sinners should perish and also to make known to you that it is the same God I now own that brought me out of my mothers womb and gave me life and all things Near about the time that I was seven years of age being bred up by my Parents very exactly for refraining of gross evils as Swearing and Cursing and the like I can truly say that there was a greater Power restrained me then their words and many desires were raised up in me to know that God they talked of so much and so often prayed to and when I often asked where he was and how he must be served they said he was in Heaven above the Skies but I felt him near me reproving me for my playing and wantonness as Children do practice in that nature and many a vow I made not to do so again but my vows I did not keep until I came near to fourteen years of age then was the Lord pleased to shew his power yet more in reproving me for sports and pleasure to which I hearkned a little did refrain it yet there was something in me lusted to see those things acted which I could not do my self then I was judged for that also then did I quite separate my self from my Companions which reproach't me but I matter'd them not and I went along with a little flock in Leominster called Puretans and many a fast day I kept very exactly and with the sufferer I took part then began my Parents to hate me when I was got above them I denyed their formal prayers and then they grew worse and many a blow I received upon that account which I bore patiently and I can truly say I never repented my going nor refrained until Wars came in England Then was the Flock of God scattered abroad as sheep without a Shepherd and hunted about like a Partridge on the Mountains and many were killed with the Sword and often put to the flight which made me and others question whether God had not forsaken his own People because he did not deliver them out of their enemies hands then the enemies of the Lord did rejoice both within and without as if all had been their own then the Seed of God suffered in Sodom and Egypt and the two Witnesses were slain and were made merry over and then the Seed suffered and the seed of the Serpent got on the top and led me captive at his will Now take notice the same Light I now own not another did let me see my state that I was run into darkness and departed from the Lord and was in the broad way which leadeth to destruction but sometimes did many strong cryes run through me saying O that I could but see the day I once saw yea when I have been setting up my self in pride or otherwise I have wished O that I were in such a condition I was once in if I had not raggs to cover my nakedness thus I passed on wilde and wanton until the wars were something abated and Lectors were set up and I heard many men and they held many Opinions I thought I was the worst amongst all for I was ashamed of my present estate however I left my Companions and then I posted up and down after the most eminent men in those parts for I soon saw the deceit of the Tithe Priests and denied them all yet still I saw in my self I was condemned because I did not walk up to what I knew though many branches were broken off yet the root still remained thus was I tossed from Mountain to Hill and hurried here and there but none spake to my present estate until I met with one whose Name was known unto us by the Name of James Brown who as I understand died an open enemy to the same Truth that he once declared and to the same Light which he once bore Testimony though this is a hard saying but hearken a little and consider you that were with me at the first in that discory of Water-Baptism and feel what I say this man was very low and tender and had denied himself of all his honour and profit in the world insomuch that he came to a low estate yet I could not see but that he was contented while he was in that condition could I see such an image born up amongst you as was once in him I should own it as dear as my life but feigned humility I deny mark that and for his Doctrine it was the very same words which the Messengers of the Lord are gone forth with and I in my measure do set my seal to though at the first I did much oppose him but my foundation could not stand though got very high as concerning the Light he spoke often of it that it was the Light and Life of men and that it shined in darkness and that it was the true Light that lighteth every one that cometh into the World and that the Word was within the Mouth and in the Heart and that Christ was within and he often prest it to me that if Christ was not within me I was a Reprobate the which I did believe it was the truth and that my greatest enemies were within I knew it was so then the Serpent raged and then were Wars and rumours of Wars such as never was before the Sword of the Lord was drawn to cut down all his enemies