And then I 'll say 't there 's Mr. Bowman and Mr. Bright and Mr. Hudson and Mr. Hains and tho' last not least in Love the only remaining Branch of the old Stock honest Mr. Kinaston So Men in Thunder quit the open Air Because the angry Gods are then abroad Oh he has a rare way with him I 'll say 't and a number besides these that I have forgot Prithee How and Which and What and Where and Why and When Quick Whiew Nay then your Servant i'faith Fred. S'death come away immediately here 's Sir Charles and the Doctor coming down the Hill away Tom I have some more Instructions to give you yet Quick Ay with all my Heart I shall be blunderbuss'd with Where 's and What 's and Whens else A Plague of his Epileptick Visage he 's gaping for another Quere I see Exeunt Fred. and Quick Sir Quib. Pox take him I had above Twenty Questions more ready but especially about Hains and his Fortune-telling ' gad I will know something about that I 'm resolv'd for that 's a Material Point Exit Enter Sir Charles Guiacum and Christopher Sir Char. Therefore as I was saying Doctor look well to your Patient she is not only my Daughter-in-Law and Ward but the Darling Jewel of my Life the Treasury of my Son's Hopes too an Heiress worth Fifty thousand Pounds who had not this delirious Accident hapned should have been this Hour happy in his Embraces by Marriage Guiac Fear not Sir my Care and Medicines will work the desired Effect Sir Char. Madness Doctor is but a more extravagant sort of Wit caused by the excessive Heat in the Brain I studied the very Point many Years ago in the Colledge at Barcelona 't is but the Skill of cooling the Part and the Patient presently recovers Guiac Ay but Sir this is a new Case and I must do it specifically for she is very obstinate and will take no Medicines nor do I resolve to make her Blood ferment by putting her into a Rage about it she has Fire enough already for about the Age of Eighteen the Heat predominates extreamly in her Sex and then if ever they are infected they become strongly delirious Sir Char. Your Reason Doctor Guiac Why Sir at that Age the warm Quality of their Blood fermented by the force and vigour of the Animal Spirits naturally make 'em half mad To remedy which there are but Two ways which are either to get them Husbands just in the Nick or for want of such Provision to send 'em to me Sir Char. Why God-a mercy Doctor this old Fellow is too Lepid to be a Whoremaster sure If this hoary Elder should be a Rogue now and make use of a natural Recipe to cure my Daughters Madness my Son and I were finely serv'd Guiac Farewel Sir I 'll make as quick a Cure of your Daughter as I can because I very suddenly expect a Noble Lord under my Custody Adieu Sir Char. This jealous Humour of mine is a great Fault Here 's a poor old Fellow that is so much a Cripple he can scarce drag his Legs after him and yet I must suspect him for a Whoremaster Well I must go after and humour him least when he has cur'd my Daughter he should in revenge Introduce new Suitors to her and so baffle my Son's Designs who I think I see coming down the Hill yonder Ay 't is he and two more with him they seem in hot Dispute I 'll stay a little while longer to observe Stands aside Enter Tom Romance Hotspur Rice ap Shinken and Boy T. Rom. But prithee a Pox on thee Will what a Devil ails thee that thou art so averse to my way of intriguing when I tell thee Women dear Women are the only Comforts of my Life I can neither eat drink nor sleep well without ' em And my Welch Cousin Rice ap Shinken here is of my own Humour to a Hair he chuckles at a White Petticoat like a Turkeycock at a Red one he 's the very Devil at a Wench Cat after kind as the Proverb has it the Britains were all Whoremasters from the beginning Rice The Shinkins was peare as crete Lovers to the pretty Omans that is fery true the plack Eyes with the plack Eyebrows was goot and when her sees the Red Lip the White Skin and the soft Pubby then Shinkin's Heart was peat peat peat like a Drum by Cadwallader Hotsp Peat peat peat What a Plague can any one above the Degree of a Kitchin love a Fellow that makes Fritters of English as Falstaffe says A Welsh Beau with a Head as barren as the Mountains in his own Country Ha ha ha I 'll ne'er believe it I 'm resolv'd to abuse these Puppeys for dear Frederick's sake whom I know they hate Aside Rice The Muntains in her Country was fery goot Muntains and breed fery goot Sheep and Coats look you and if Williams is Cholericks that is not much her will laugh and be merry look you if Williams is Cholerick he he he ha T. Rom. Ay ay Will you must not think to beat us out of conceit with our selves with drolling ' Gad I know a Lord's Wife near St. Iames's that's ready to die for me she says of all charming things in the Universe she admires my Nose Hotsp Ridiculous I 'll neer believe such a Satyr upon the Sex Why there 's not a Negro in Town but can fit her with a better Sir Char. Oh I know him now this is Hotspur one of Frederick's Friends and the Enemy of our Family Aside Rice There is likewise look you Williams the young sweet sharming pretty Daughter to a crete Shudge yonder that is in love with Shinkin for his Leg look you here is the Symetry here is the Shape here is the Calf look you and here is the Small fery goot Hotsp Leg ' Oons I have seen a handsomer upon a Gate for High Treason after it has stuck parching in the Sun above a Twelvemonth Sir Char. Why does not that Welch Runt give him three or four Kicks now with that Leg the Lady is so in Love with Sure this will come to something anon now I shall see what Mettle the Boy has Aside Rice Now Williams is Cholericks agen ha ha ha ha Harkee do you know me Williams Hotsp Know thee oh yes thou art his Ape both things so contemptible with the Women that Rice Look you Williams if Apes be Signals of Affronts and Disparagements splut her shall not find Shinkin so tame T. Rom. Phoo prithee don't mind what he says Cousin Rice Come here 's that shall undeceive him presently Look Will to prove to thee what a Favourite I am with that dear dear Sex I will shew thee some Favours from 'em for to say Truth I never took any true Pleasure in an Intrigue with a Woman if I had not the Satisfaction of Exposing her to my Friend Hots Well said trusty Knight the Woman has blest her self with a true
the Wells again Madam Sophr. Fool Sir Quib. Fool that 's nonsence I 'll say 't And why Fool pray Madam What and which and where and when and Stock Hold hold prithee Sir Quibble let me attack her she call'd me Cuckold you know Come Madam I 'll stand ye fair ' saith Your Reason your Reason come slap dash away with it and so forth Sophr. Why I have skill in Physiognomy and see 't in thy Face All Humanes are allotted to some Fate or other and thine is to be a Cuckold The dimpled Slit there upon the Tip of thy Nose and shaggy meeting of thy Pent-house Eye-brows shew it plain To be brief a Lampoon upon ye all were a meritorious Work First you Mrs. Squeamish for always railing at it and yet by your ridiculous Behaviour perpetually giving cause Secondly thee Knight for being Friends with Fortune that allots thee to be bubbleâ—… by thy younger Brother Next you Sir for the intolerable Town Vices of Drinking Wenching Gaming cum mâ—…ltis aliis as I told you before Then you good Protestant Refugee for wheedling and coâ—…uting your Dicky there And last poor Dicky for running about the Town Wagering and Stockjobbing when Pogry has a more proper Job for him to look after and so farewel t' ye Look Sharp if thou'dst be free from future Scorns The less thy Heed the larger still thy Horns Pats him on the Pate and Exit Stock Hey Slap dash why she 's as sharp as Vinegar this Morning and so forth Sir Quib. Zooks so she is I 'll say 't But why the Devil does she rail so And where the Devil has she all her Wit I wonder Mrs. Stock Dis Railery is too morose she wants de French breeding extreamly Squeam To vindicate a Lampoon O filthy Hotsp Faith Dick Thour' t a Fool if thou mind'st what she says she uses her Father Brothers and Sisters in this manner Stock Not I slap dash she may talk what she will and so forth I believe nothing against Pogry Come Cousin Siss and Gentlemen I invite ye all to Dinner to Day for little Pogry and I here intend to have the Fiddles and be merry Hey slap dash I vow my Heart 's as light as a Feather for I have laid a World of good Wagers this Morning I shall get five hundred Pounds by 'em I 'm sure besides Stock rises to a Miracle And I've invented two such rare Projects for the improvement of Tabby Cats Skins for Ladies Muffs and Spirit of Acorns to cure Agues that the whole Exchange rings of it Come there you shall know my Wagers too and say of me as that Eminent Common Council-man some Years since did to the then Lord Mayor Oh how great a Grace from Heaven is a Wise Citizen Exeunt SCENE II. Enter Cunnington and Marmalet Marm. Well as I 'm a Christian Sir if what you have promis'd me prove to be true you have made me the happiest Woman in the whole World Cun. Hold a your Tongue and take care you no cross your Star Come vere sall we be private Marm. Have but Patience a Minute Sir I 'll only go and see what the Doctor is doing and come and conduct ye immediately Cun. Make haste vat you tink de Star vill stay for you Marm. I go Sir I go Exit Marm. Cuning Ha ha ha ha I find this is some old Waiting-woman belonging to this place whom I have already turn'd the wrong side outward with promising her a Husband I have engaged to tell her Fortune upon Condition she discovers all her Secrets to me The first of which shall be the Discovery of Quickwit's Design which I am resolv'd to ruin only for the dear sake of the Mischief that will come of it I have frighted her damnably already I have made her believe I am the Son of the Devil upon a Laâ—…land-Witch and that if she obeys me she shall live to be a Countess but if not she shall be brought to sell Save-alls and Card-matches old Rags and Small coal in her old Age and at last die upon a Dunghill near Fleet-ditch Here she comes now to my Grimace agen Re-enter Marmalet Marm. Come Sir the Coast is clear now Softly for Heaven's sake for the Doctor is just coming up Cun. If he dare come in my presence I will conjure him Marm. Bless me Cun. Vat you pray Zoon Let me no hear you pray go get you gone Exeunt Enter Guiacum with a Letter Sir Charles T. Romance Shinken and Numps Guiac Well Friend the Countess has done me the Honour to inform me in her Letter here that she relies upon my Skill and Experience to cure her Son nor shall my diligence be wanting but she writes me no Word here whence the Delirium sprung Prithee how came his Brain distemper'd first what Accident what Cause hah Numps Odswokers and 't like your Worship all that I know is they zay Maister Toomas was hugely in Love with one of his Lady Countesses Dairy Maids and becase they cross'd him he dissolv'd with himself to vall stark mad upon 't Her Name was Mopsee and 't like ye yow was parlous Jade yow had a Skin an 't were any Milk-pan and a Vace as bright as a Pewter-dish yow was vengenable handsome Odswokers T. Rom. Odswoker ha ha ha damn him What silly Clownish Booby have we got here Shink He was come of the ancient Stock of the Pritains I believe by his Peard And look you Cousin if he is Pritains he is Shentleman a-course and Shinken will findicate his Honour T. Rom. His Honour ha ha ha why hark'e Cousin the Beggars have long Beardâ—… are they all Gentlemen too Shink Look you Cousin if they are Pritains they are Sir Char. A Man of Quality supposed to be well bred too and run mad for a Dunghil-Drab a Dairy-Wench This is very odd The Name of this unhappy Gentleman good Doctor Guiac Why Sir his Name is De la Fool he 's of the ancient Family of the De la Fool 's of the South their great Ancestor was a famous Officer under King Harold who being routed by William the Conqueror fell mad and the Disease has more or less run in the Blood ever since There is near them another Family of the De la Wit 's too that are craz'd at one time of the Moon and indeed it may be properly said they divide her between 'em one being mad in the Wax and t'other in the Wane Sir Char. Nay nay 't is a mad Age here too as well as in the South and therefore I the less wonder at it but my Daughter Doctor my Daughter how does she recover Guiac More of that Sir presently Go Friend and try if you can decoy my Lord hither And go you Christopher and bid Marmalet bring her Lady too there is no better Cure of Lunacy than by reflection Sir Charles your Daughter's Distemper proceeding from disordered Love makes her still vent the Effects upon the imaginary Persons particularly
me now folded up in a Letter Quick 'Sdeath here they come all contrivance is in vain too I find I must bear it Fulv. Nay I am almost in as bad a Case for I shall be tiez'd out of my Life by Sir Charles and the young Blockhead now but come let 's Act it to the last my Lord let 's play our parts well however Numps A vengeance on 't I shall make a hopeful part of mine I believe Enter Sir Charles Guiacum and Christopher Guiac Manage you your Daughter Sir Charles whilst I confront this Rascal Your Servant my noble Lord. to Quickwit Quick Staring madly Is Mopsa come from the Black Stigian Fields where yearly range the Cows of Proserpine Tib Whitehorn Colly Redrose Smut and Blincko see where she sits stroking the swelling Teats and takes Infernal Cream in Pails of Agate Guiac Rare counterfeiting Rascal Aside Sir Char. How does my Daughter do the Lovers tieze her still where 's the Reve end Mr. Tickletext and the Worshipful Mr. Alderman Niggle ha Fulv. Staring too There there he is he shakes his Gold Chain at me and pulls out his hair purse with fifty pieces thinking to bribe my vertue ah * I 'll have none on 't ah * y' are an old Fellow avaunt avaunt ah * ah * shrieks out Sir Charl. Oh strange why Doctor she grows worse and worse Guiac Extremely ill Sir I have been very much deceiv'd in her I see now I must be forc'd to tye her in her Bed and give her a Purge or two of Sand and Snow-water to abate this heat she shall take it to Night Fulv. The Devil shall have you first Aside Guiac And as for my Lord there I see his fit Increases too and I must be severe with him Go Christopher get the Gives and Fetters ready and call the rest of your Fellows as I order'd tell the Surgeon too I 'll have the Skin of my Lords Head flead off and rubb'd with Salt and Vinegar Quick Oh Lord Aside Guiac His Lordship has a wonderous hot Pate I 'll cool it with a Vengeance You Friend to Numps I think are somewhat craz'd too but 't is but slight A good sound whipping three times round the Orchard will set you right Numps Numps Ah no Numps and 't like your Worship no Numps I 'm a poor Twickenham Man meerly drawn in as I hope to be sav'd Guiac How does your Pulse beat now my Lord humph do'e know me yet am I a Devil or a Recorder Speak I know your Cure is perfect Quick Why then Faith Doctor I thank ye I 'm as well as ever I was in all my Life Briskly Numps And I too Odswokers agen would the Devil had that word Sir Char. But Fulvia there says nothing her Distemper reigns still Fulv. No Faith now I think on 't I 'm perfectly cur'd too in a brisk Tone Come Sir Charles and Doctor 't is but a Frolick a Trial of Wit you see hang 't pass it by for once and give 'em their Liberty Guiac Not too fast good Madam Within there ho Enter Servants See these two well beaten pump'd and toss'd in a Blanket for fear of a Relapse and then discharge ' em Sir Char. Let 'em be swing'd to purpose go get you in I 'll speak with you anon Exit Fulvia Quick Nay nay Sir Charles what for a Trick of Wit 'T was but a Trick of Wit Faith Doctor Guiac Oh Sir your Wit is out of its Sphere now and to set it right I am obliged to cudgel ye by my Profession Away with ' em Numps This comes of Acting Numps a Plague o' your Acting They are pull'd out Sir Char. Ha ha ha Farewell my good Lord de la Fool Ha ha ha Guiac 'T was cunningly acted of the Rogues but now Sir Charles what 's to be done with the Lady Sir Char. Keep her close up till you hear further from me Take heed of Visitants and more mad Lords Doctor I 'll go and prepare her once more for my Son and put the Case home to her and her Ingratitude it may be the Discovery of this Plot and her small hopes of serving her own Humour may make her yield to mine But if she be stubborn She shall have Cause to curse each tedious hour And know too late by me a Guardian 's Power Excunt SCENE II. Enter Sir Quibble Stockjobb and Cunnington Stock COme come 't was but a Joke 't was no more Faith Squire Thomas seems to be a very honest Gentleman and a Lover of Business Prethee Sir Quibble come in agen and take t'other Glass and so forth Sir Quib. A scandalous Fellow to say I was an Hermaphrodite to make a Monster a Devil I can't tell what of me to disgrace me before the Ladies But this shan't get the Heiress from me I know his drift well enough it shan't do I 'll say 't Stock Come come prethee come in agen Sir Quib. 'Pray excuse me Sir I promis'd my Mother to come home to Supper and I know her heart goes a pit a pat if I 'm never so little out of her sight for fear I should be stole or come to any harm besides I must tell ye plainly I don't like the Company I 'll drink a Glass here with this honest Gentleman if you please but I would not come in agen for a 1000 l. Stock Well my Comical Friend do you entertain the Knight then I must go mind my Guests within Hey bring some Wine there Exit Stockjobb Cunn This is one of the silly Heiress stealers of t'other side I 'll banter the Fool. Sir Quib. Your Servant Sir by your Discourse within Sir I perceive that you are a great Traveller Cunn I have seen I tink dis Globe I mean Europe Asie Africk Americk or so dat is all Sir Quib. That is all indeed Sir you must ride upon the Dogs-star as the mad Song says if you would see more Cunn Sire I have seen much more I have observe too de Globe Celestial I have been so high as to hang my Hat upon one Horn of de Moon and have toush de North-Pole vid min Finger Sir Quib. With your Finger Sir your Servant agen Sir Why that 's very strange I 'll say 't Cunn Sir I have live in de Moon-world some time de Emperour is de ver proud Monarch and keep de subject in great awe de people dere are like de Pigmy de man's and woman's not half yard high but generally wise and ver great Politicians Sir Quib. Ods diggers this is a most excellent Fellow and pray Sir don't those Politicians of the Moon take us English-Politicians for mad Fellows hah Cun. Yes truly dey do tink dat you be all mad indeed Sir Quib. Prethee what Women are there Do they dress their Heads as our Cocking Ladies do here I wonder Cunn No no de woman's dere have no head at all de face stand vere de Breast should and de Mouth is de Navel Sir Quib. Oh Lord
Friend of thee in the mean time T. Rom. Why I enjoy n 'em to secresie Man so that she 's secure enough in Conscience as I will thee now therefore be sure you don't tell any Body D' ye hear Hots 'Faith but I will Sir if you tell me any thing Sir Char. S'death not draw yet What a Plague do's he mean Aside T. Rom. Pshaw pshaw that 's all one I 'll trust thee for all that Faith why I 've a thousand things to divert thee with Man and ' Gad take me have the greatest Pleasure in the World in telling 'em First then here 's a Billet Deux from my Lord Awekings's Daughter a great Man at Court and a swinging Politician who having more Business in his Head than to mind his Daughters gave me opportunity at the Musick-meeting at London to make an Intrigue and the Creature is now grown so fond that my Father was fain to design a Wife for me here at Richmond to divert me Thou shalt hear what she writes Sweet sweet sweet Tomme canst thou find in thy Heart to be so long away from thy dear deare deare Betty Ah sweet Creature ' Gad I believe I shall wear the Paper to a Cobweb with kissing it Reads the Letter Hots S'death can there be so simple a Creature in Nature T. Rom. Prithee mind me I swear I never go to Bed but I dream of thee nor ever rise without crying My dear sweet heavenly Tomme is always in my Thoughts And if his poor Betty were half so much in his I 'm sure he would come this Night through the Boards of the little House in the Garden to see her as he us'd to do That was our way of meeting you must know and ' Gad I have been plaguely incommoded sometimes to get cleanlily to her But didst ever hear any thing so Soft and Tender hah Hots Never any thing so Silly before the Devil take me Sir Char. Agen an Affront Now where 's the first Pass now Tom Aside Rice There is crete deale of Doubts and Jealousies and Pribbles and Prabbles which shew Loves and Affections look you T. Rom. Then in the second place here is a Garter of Sir Thomas Wittal's Lady's here at Cue taken from above her Knee with my own Hand I 'll swear a Locket from pretty Peggy Daughter to one Quicksilver a Goldsmith at the Cawdle Cup in Lombard-street a Picture from dear Ienny Flippant a rich Widows Niece in the old Pall-Mall a Roman Glove from sweet Lady Susanna Simple in St. Iames's Square And more to shew ye that I deal with all degrees of Females come hither Sirrah there 's a piece of delicate Point from Moll a Sempstress in the New-Exchange to make me a Crevat and a Head of curious bright Hair from my Lady Freckles Chamber-Maid to make me a Peruke Sir Char. This is so like these young Rogues to brag of their Mistresses Favours Hots Red and rank as a Fox by Iove Pox on thee Bright dost call it Rice And to shew ye that the Prittains are admir'd too look you here was delicate creen Leeks sent by young Widows of her Cousin Tomas ap Evan ap Rice ap Shones ap Davy ap Shinken as a Token of her Love and to wear in her Cap upon St. Davy's Day Pulls out a great Leek Hots Death ye brace of Buffoons what d' ye teize me with all this Stuff for Sir Char. How Boffoon 'Sdeath and near a hole in his Guts yet Oh cowardly Villain T. Rom. Stay stay I have two things more in my Fob here better than all first here 's a Bracelet of witty Sophronia's and above all a Seal with a wounded Heart engrav'd upon Coral of my deare deare Fulvia's Hots Nay then I 'll no longer have Patience therefore draw for ye Lye Sir Char. The Lye so ' Gad I 'll whip him through the Midriff my self if he takes that Hots For first Sophronia is a Woman of too much Sence to give a Bracelet to such an Insect And secondly Fulvia is my Friends Mistress and has no Heart but for him Come on Pox come both of ye Rice Stand to her Cousin splut her will shew her a Welsh Thrust T. Rom. loyters back T. Rom. The Truth is that last was a Lye but since the Welsh-man's Blood 's up I 'm resolv'd to vindicate it Come Sir Sir Char. Hold hold Tom and Cousin come you back tho his Insolence deserves Chastisement he shall not have it to the dishonour of our Family I 'll take it upon my self Come on Sir you that were so hot Offers to Fight Hots Ay Sir with all my Heart Rice Pray Unkle let hur go hur has kill'd no Rascals since hur came from Wales T. Rom. Prithee old Gentleman get you out o' th way I 'm in the humour of killing him Sir Char. Son Tom it must not be What 's your Name Sir you are like to scape this time Hots Why then a Pox on ye all my Name 's Hotspur and you may see me at the Wells every Morning and more to provoke ye to take Satisfaction know that I am Friend to Frederick and will espouse his Interest in the Heiress to the last and so adieu Exit Sir Char. Ay 't is so 't is this rich Heiress is the cause of all these Brawls but come Son since thou hast me of thy side be confident Policy as well as the Sword shall secure her to thee For above all the World 's great Benefits a Wife is best in her good Circumstances To follow Wars abroad may Honour bring 'T is brave Preferment there to serve the King T. Rom. But a rich Heiress here 's a Heavenly thing Exeunt ACT II. SCENE I. Enter Frederick Hotspur Quickwit and Numps Sophronia discover'd at a distance reading Fred. A true Friend is the most solid Good a Man can possess in this World And tho' dear Will I ought extreamly to thank thee for abusing those two Fools for my sake yet I could wish Sir Charles had been absent least this new occasion of distaste may cause him to be more vigilant and so hinder our Plot upon the Heiress Hotsp Faith dear Fred I beg thy Pardon with all my Heart if I did amiss but the Devil take me if I could contain my self after hearing such a Preposterous deal of Impudence and Folly I could have beaten them with a better Will than a Turk would a Christian Slave that he found had an Intrigue with his VVife or Daughter Quick Well well let 's to the Proof I long methinks to be acting my Madman And as for Numps here he 'll do his part to a Miracle I have taught him his Lesson perfectly Fred. What my Lord de la Fool 's old Serving-man he has hit the Family Beard to a Hair I see and 't is impossible he should miscarry for I am privately inform'd the Doctor knows neither of them by sight and has only heard of a Son of the Countesses that was
offers up Wit Beauty Merit A Trophy to the â—…ordid Idol Money Can I Love such a Man and own it too No I will rather Poyson Stab or Drown Revenge my self on my unlucky self Do a thing Barbarous beyond my Sex Rather than this base Man shall know I Love him Eyes dry dry your Tears and keep the Secret in Whatever grief I feel let none be seen Tho the strong Passion ne're so powerful grow I le Choak with Love rather than let him know Exit End of the Third Act. ACT. IV. Scene 1st Enter Mrs. Sockjobb and Squeamish Squeam COme Come Cousin you must give me leave to tell ye I understand an Intreague as well as an older Person to let a young Hectorly Fellow shew he ha so much command over ye as to dare to quarrel and expose ye in Company Oh filthy it shews a familiarity too sawcy for Civil Conversation I hope Cousin you have not been particular with the Fellow Mrs. Stock Vat you mean by dat Cousin vat is particular Squeam Oh horrid I hope you wont put me to the Fatigue of a Blush by telling the Nauseous meaning that were to deserve to be Lampoon'd indeed when a Man is particular with a Woman I think there is no great nead of a Sophister to explain the meaning Mrs. Stock Vel Vel Pox take the particular dat is all one I assure you I have don vid him now and vill encourage that fine young Gentleman dat talk and â—…ow and rally so vel en Francois me no endure de Huff de Bounce de brutal way of Love no longer Dear Monsieur Romance is all French all Talk all Air all Gallantry and de oder Gentleman dat speak de Welch is ver fine person too who I presume Cousin has de extream inclination to have de Intreague vid you Squeam An Intreague with me Oh filthy Fellow that 's a worser abuse than any has been yet put upon me for he 's the veriest Fop in Nature Mrs. Stock Fop Oh Mon deu vat and worth twenty thousand Pounds dats impossible Oh he is de ver fine Person and has the greatest tender for you Cousin Squeam Oh fogh I shall be Lampoon'd about him in a Weeks time I le lay my Life on 't Oh horrid I le go and lâ—…k my self up But are you sure he 's worth twenty thousand Pounds Cousin Changing Tone Mrs. Stock Assurement â—…nd vill make good settlement vich is ver much as times go Squeam See here dey come vid Monsieur Stockjobb who I have wheedle so and make such great Fool that he vill believe nothing against me vich my oder cast of Coxcomb say Enter Stockjobb Holspurr T. Romance Shinkin and Singers with a Bowl of Punch Stockj Come Come Let 's have no brawling nor quarrelling but sit down lovingly together and help off with the Bowl and so forth what Pogry my Dear my Fawn my Pricket and my Cousin Sissâ—… too Hey slaâ—…dash we 'll all sit down too 't Faith Mrs. Stockj Vat you please Dicky ven de Husband Command de Wiâ—…e must alway be Obedient dat is but Reason Hotsp Ah subtle Witch Stock Come Squire Thomas and my Welsh Friend Pray sit round Here 's some Honest Friends of mine will give us a Catch in three Parts Cousin Sisse Prithee sit down and so forth Squeam Oh horrid Cousin would you have me give such occasion to be Lampoon'd as to sit drinking filthy Brandy amongst Men Stock Filthy Brandy Twelve Shillings a Gallon by this Hand and will certainly be the best Commodity in the whole Kingdom shortly Harkee Sisse such another Word and if there be a Lampoon to be got in Christendom and so forth I 'll get one for thee Shink According to Shinkins Observations this is not Prandy look you but Punch which is fery goot to raise Ploods and cause Plushes and Pewtys in fair Ladies look you therefore pray you sit down I pray you now Squeam Nay Pray Sir Oh Lord Nay if you will force me What shall I do I am so ashamed well if I do I 'll swear I 'll drink in my own Cup then Go Ponade and fetch it it holds three quarters of a Spoonful just T. Rom. Dear Madam Let me be happy with your sweet Hand To Mrs. Stock Hotsp You 〈◊〉 Takes her from him Mrs. Stock Vat aile de Ruffian To Holspurr Monsieur I am your most devoted To T. Romance Hotsp His most devoted Oh rare Jilt dee fleer Dog bold I shall have your Nose anon Enter Ponade with a very little Cup. Stock Come Come Slap-dash No more grumbling Will but take your Cup and then let 's have the Catch and so forth They sit down Why Cousin Sisse What hast got there an Acorn Cup why a Flea may drink off that prethee take one of ours and so forth Strikes the Cup out of her Hand Squeam Oh horrid not for the World the quantity of this is enough to suffocate my Spirits as I am a Virgin Hear a Catch in three parts in praise of Punch Stock By the Lord Mayor very well perform'd Boys Tholl Loll Loll aâ—… dickins take it it won't do now yet I could have Sung my Sol Fa when I was a Batchelour purely Faith but these Wives these Wives spoil all our Parts Come Here 's Prosperity to the City and Trade Holspur rises up and goes behind Mrs. Stockjobâ—… T. Rom. And as I was saying Madam To Mrs. Stockjob Hotsp And as I was saying before Madam Pulling her from him Mrs. Stook Sir I have nothing to say to you you are strangely troublesom To Hotspur Dat last agen I beseech you Monsieur To T. Romance Stock Who leaves his Place there Will. Hotspur What a Plague dost stand brooding upon my Wiâ—…e there for prithee come and take thy Cup and let the Squire alone he has business with her and so forth Hotsp Business with her Here 's a damn'd Cuckoldly Son of a Whore and so forth To Squeamish Shink When her is in Wales look you her could drink very goot Metheglins with her Cousin Cadwallader at the Three Red Herrings and Câ—…een Leeks in Moâ—…mouth but now since her saw you her Heart has done nothing but thump thump and then her does sigh so sadly Hey hoh sighs so that if her is obdurates and cruels and will not love Shinkin why then alas there is now way for her look you but Hey ho Hotspur teizes Mrs. Stockjobb she rises and call out her Husband Squeam Love Oh horrid the very word is enough to fright me into an Apopleâ—…y would he would marry me tho as I 'm a Virgin aside Mrs. Stock By this Hand I believe I could make Monsieur lay forty Wager and buy Stock every hour if it were not for dat rude Fellow dat come and disturb us Stock Sayst thou so Slapdash Gad if I had known that he should have found this way to the Door before now an uncivil Person to come to a Citizens Table and be well
entertain'd and yet ungratefully endeavour to hinder Business An idle Scoundrel to stop the Sourse the Life-blood of the City Trade Gad I 'll complain to my Lord Mayor immediately Hotsp Now has that French Devil told some Lye or other of me I 'll lay my Life Harkee Diâ—…k art thou so very blind as not to see thy self abused Stock Yes Yes Sir I do see my self abused and so forth Sqâ—…ire Thomas prithee come hither Lookee Pogry has inform'd me ye are a very ingenious Person and love Business Lookee what she does I 'll stand to therefore pray go and Discourse her she 's at your Service Hotsp Oh Witall Coxcomb what does he mean Hotspur goes to hinder 'em and Stockjobb interposes Stock Pray Sir no interruption Hotsp ' Dsdeath to say publickly thy Wife 's at his Service Stock Upon the Score of Trade Sir and so forth I know what I do I warrant you Hotsp The Devils grin at me I have no Patience Scoundrel hands off hinders him agen Stock Slapdash hold her â—…ast Squire Thomas I give my Authority why this is a breach both of our Charter and Customs that a Citizen of London shan't have the Priviledge to dispose of his own Wife for a Hectorly Fellow of t'other end of Town Gad I 'll complain to my Lord Mayor the first thing I do Shink To take the Wife from the Husband before his Face is more than you can justifie Williams that is very true Hotsp Thou art a â—…ery Ass Pox on thee for a crack'd Welch Harp Hold your jarring or Stock No No I 'll take a Course for this hereafter In the mean time Pegry since this rude Masterless Companion disturbs us here my Chamber within is private there you may settle Affairs and so forth Go go in with her Squire Thomas and because no body shall disturb ye I 'll lock ye up dâ—… see and keep the Key my self Hotsp ' Dsheart I shall run mad why dolt Madman wilt thou lock her up with him too Stock locks 'em in Stock Upon the Score of Trade and so forth I 'll show for once the Husbands Priviledge without your leave Sir Hotsp Trade Ay there is a rare Trade going forward Oh intollerable Cuckold Stock Come Sir you are a Scandalous t other end of Town Fellow and my Lord Mayor shall know it you shall know that a Citizen of London understands what 's proper for Business Cousin Sisse take you your Gentleman into another Room nay nay no Squeamish trick now but go since ye are molested here I will have Business go forward in a place that 's proper Go go you after Sir I 'll be with ye anon pushes 'em in Hotsp Ay ay There 's the Trade going forward too this is Stockjobbing with a Vengeance Stock Pogry will draw her Fool into some devise or other I am sure and now I have finished this Affair so discreetly I 'll leave this Hector to chew the Cud by himself and go and drink a Dish of Coffee with a good Neighbour a Common Council-man and Brother Stockjobber Exit looking scornfully on Hotspur Hotsp Solus A Curse on your City Understanding and Destruction seize that Jilt that tortures me with Love tho I resolve to hate her damn'd infamous Creature that Yesterday as common as a Hireling would have met my Appetite half way and cherish'd it now taken with a young pert noisie Coxcomb deserts me without Blushing but this senseless Wittall her Husband shall know what a Snake he Fosters before I have done with him And whilst his City Iobbing he 's pursuing I 'll shew him where s another Iobb a doing Enter Quickwitt dressed like a Quaker and Marmalet after him Quick So I think there 's none of the Quaking Fraternity but will own I have mimick'd their Dress well and play but thy part right Child that we may revenge our selves upon this Cunningâ—…on that has so abused us and thâ—… I may chance to be no Duke I 'll be a King to thee in my good will my Love Child shall be beyond all Titles and Preferment Marm. Ah sweet Mr. Quickwit the Rascal has asked my Pardon since but I shall never forgive him for it for will you believe me I have cryed about that Business till I have been as wet as if I had been dipp'd in a Pail of Water to think that I should lift up my Hand against Quick Well well 't is all forgot Marm. To dare Cudgel the Man that Weeps Quick Well well 't was all Accident prethee no Tears Marm. The Man I love so tenderly Weeps Quick Enough prithee enough I believe thee Marm. So tenderly so very tenderly howling out Quick A Pox o' your Tenderness There is no Plague under Heaven so tormenting as one of these old Cats when she pretends to make Love come prithee no more of this Foolery Child but let us go on with our Plot upon Cunnington Let me see what 's the Quakers Name that I 'm to Act. Marm. Zechiel And 't please ye Sir my old Lord Fullworths Steward my Mistresses Father Quick Zechiel very good and one that you say has been trusted with all the Writings of her Estate Marm. He has indeed at whose House Sir Charles having found her as he thinks a little more pliant to his Sons Address intends to meet her this Afternoon to discourse about the Marriage and to that purpose has given that Letter you have there to Cunnington to show the Doctor who upon sight of it is to deliver my Lady to him and a Note for fifty Guineas which Sir Charles has ordered him Quick Then you are sure Cunningman has seen this Letter Marm. Yes An 't please ye and is merry beyond measure about his success of out witting you he left it with me only whilst he is gone to disguise himself like a Quaker for in no other Habit will Zechiel admit any one into his House I expect him every Minute Quick Ay ay Child Let him come now as soon as he pleases we are prepared for him and I think I am as much a Quaker as himself or the Devil 's in Iron Gray the rest remains in thee to follow my Instructions do but this Business neatly and as for the other Business thou worst of Marm. Ah Dear Sir I swear you bring my Heart up to my very Mouth I vow you do now and I warrant ye Sir for my part I ve my Cue perfectly Quick First then instead of this Letter of Sir Charles give him this of mine Child to carry to the Doctor 't is sealed with a Wafer like it and the Hand is Counterfeited I 'm sure so exactly 't is impossible for him to discover that then for the Contents let them operate at leisure Marm. With all my Heart Sir and I rejoice from my very Soul that I can do any thing to pleasure you and be revenged of him Hark here he comes away Sir to your Closeâ—… and when we go be pleased to follow
says otherwise I 'm sure I read it this Morning the most sweet Civil Complemental thing on my side that ever was penn'd Guiac No doubt on 't Sir no doubt on 't Can you read gives him the Letter Cunning. Read Ha ha ha what a Pox does he take me for one of the Black-guard This Coxcombly Doctor 's craz'd himself I le be hang'd else read yes yes you shall find I can read Guiac Proceed then Cunning. Doctor 't is proper that I let you know I have made another discovery of a Plott to carry off the Lady you have in Custody This Rogue that I send here with this Letter Reads the Letter aloud Guiac Go on Sir go on I perceive you can read admirably being one of the Principal Contrivers this is VVitchcraft 〈◊〉 believe my own Eyes * Reads Fâ—…via Really as you say Doctor for a Crazed Person the Man reads to a miracle Cunning. VVhat Craz'd Person Madam ' dsdeath I shall run Mad indeed if this trade hold Guiac Come Sir to the next Paragraph Cunning. He was formerly a Sharper and whither he be mad or no I desire you to use him as such for he 's one of the greatest Rascalls in the whole VVorld as his Master will better inform thee 〈◊〉 my Mr. agen Readâ—… Guiac Sir Charles gives ye a notable Character you see Sir Cunning. ' Dsheart Doctor 't is all Villany Witchcraft Cunjuration I 'm abus'd Guiac The Fetters quickly Christopher he begins to â—…ave oh here 's his Master Enter Quickquit Mimicking a Quaker and Marmalett Cunning. Death and Hell what Son of a Whore's this I'm at my Witts end Guiac Come Friend you must inform the Nature of his Madness that I may Minister accordingly Quick Plainly since that ungodly season that I first perceived that the Spirit of truth was departed from him I relinquish'd him often seriously pondering upon his State of Reprobation which plainly I find is worthy be Comiserted by all the Brethren and Sisters of the faithful Cunning. Oh! Rogue I know him now Doctor y' are abus'd Imposed upon trick'd this is no more a Quaker then I am This is an Arch Cheat this is Quick Aw Satan Satan great great is thy power Bawls in a loud Canting Tone Guiac He Raves again take hold of him and stop his mouth there Quick The Tempter is very powerful in him he turneth and windeth him which way he listeth he goeth into his mouth like a Ratt with a great Head and a long Tayle and exalteth his voice within in Curses and Exclamations hum give me the Engine Woman with which we used to resist the Tempter Marm. Here 't is an 't please ye put this into his mouth and Satan can have no Power they gag him here Quick Plainly I have bin informed he hath bin trained up in the School of Sin vulgarly called the Play House where the Devil Adorneth himself with toyes and trappings where the Ears are misinformed and the Eyes misled where the frail Son of Man caresieth the Woman inordinately where he tempteth her to Midnight Gluttony and whispereth into her unhallowed things Marmalett whispers Fulvia Fulvia My Heart is ready to leap out to thee for Joy for he do's it so Naturally 't is impossible he should be discovered how the Fool the Doctor looks too aside Quick Moreover observe how outragiously the old Draggon teareth him Struggles Guiac Ay ay t is time to begin away with him and give him the Lashes I ordered Quick Plainly it behooveth thee Well that the Spirit of Truth may once more return and the old Man be rooted out now Rogue I think I 'm even with thee aside to who kicks and strives to speak Quick Aw Satan Satan great is thy Power Bawls out aloud and is hurried out But now to the remaining part of my Charge I am to Conduct a Woman from hence a sinful Woman as it appeareth to me who causeth with her transitory Wealth and Beauty strange Appetites Boylings and Fermentings in the Heart of Man Guiac Well Friend no more enlarging upon that Subject here is Sir Charles's Order in this Letter who it seems is at a Garden-House here hard by therefore Madam you had best make haste you need no disguise but your Masque for he says there is a private back way to 't which this honest Man has only knowledge of Quick Plainly thou sayest it Fulvia Was there ever so admirable a Fellow I 'm scarce able to contain my self from laughing out Aside Quick Come young VVoman and let thy steps be guided soberly Give me thy Carnal hand hah verily it is exceeding white and hath an alluringness in the Palm thereof which is as it were provoking Hah this is it now which stroaketh the Forehead of Transgression till it become Masterless and girdeth us into the Labyrinth of Misconstruction from whence we seldom or never come forth our selves Exit leading Fulvia Guiac What an odd sort of a Canting Rascall's this and what a do's here with one Woman that has Mony gad I 've a Daughter of my own at home has sat pricking upon a clout at home this Seven Years and no one has come to her but an Attorny's Clark and City Groser when this here is beset with all degrees Ages and Religions well 't will be always so and where the Honny is there will the Gnatts Hyes and Insects be buzzing together Christopher my Cloak I 'le take a little Air and then see how the Wedding goes forward Exit SCENE 3. Enter T. Romance and Shinkin T Rom. Gad take me this was the most Comical adventure that ever the City was famous for to lock us up with his Wife and Neice upon the score of Trade why 't is an Action ought to be known to Posterity and worthy to be Chronicled in the City Annalls Shink Her Cousin Siss was fery familliar too when her was alone there was no pish nor fye nor pray be quiet look you only some little frowns and repukes put fery kind looks for all that St. Davy T. Rom. If I had not bin obliged to meet my Father here I would not have left my little French woman this two hours but he is so hot upon 't to make me Marry this Heiresse that he spoyles my humour of Intreaguing quite gad take me Shink Pray you see where he comes yonder with the Lady that they call the crete Witt of Richmond she that talks and discourses and Jeeres and laughs and makes Fools of all the Town by Cadwallader Enter Sir Charles and Sophronia T. Rom. By this Light she 's a rare Creature ' dsheart I 'm in Love with her up to the Ears already why she 's finer than my little French Woman by half ay Gad or my Lords Daughter either or my Wife that is to be or my Knights Lady at Cue or Jenny in Lumbard Street or my Widdows Daughter or my Semstress my Chambermaid or any of 'em I 'll write her a Bilet deux immediately Gad take