S R. Hercules Buffoon OR THE POETICAL SQUIRE A COMEDY As it was Acted at THE DUKE's THEATRE Written by John Lacy Com. LONDON Printed for Io. Hindmarsh Bookseller to His Royal Highness at the Black Bull in Cornhill 1684. PROLOGUE Written by Tho. Durfey Gent. Spoken by J. Haynes Com. YE Scribling Fops cry mercy if I wrong ye But without doubt there must be some among ye Know that Fam'd Lacy Ornament o' th' Stage That Standard of true Comedy in our Age Wrote this new Play And if it takes not all that we can say on 't Is We have his Fiddle not his Hands to play on 't Against our Interest he to do you right Your Foes the Poets has abus'd to night And made us like rude Birds our Nest Besh te We know If you wou'd write us Plays they 'd lose their ends Kind Parties still would make your pains amends For there 's no Fop but has a World of Friends Who will like City-Whigs help one another And every noisy Fool cry up his Brother No more then rack for Prologue or for Song Such Trifles to dull Quality belong Nor Lampoon Ladies that your Virtues trust That bask in the hot Malls Pulvillio dust Whose low hung Fringes with attractive Arts Sweep heaps of Straws ' mongst crowds of Lovers Hearts Subjects like these will never get you Fame Nor can you write if this be all your aim More than a Rogue can sing that sets a Psalm But if like Wits you would the Town oblige Write a good Comedy on some famed Siege But not in Rhyme and if to please you mean Let Luxemberg be taken the first Scene Yet now I think on 't choose another Story Some Sparks that late went o'er to hunt for Glory Have spoil'd that Iest and ta'en the Town before ye No wonder too for who could stand their rage Since they with Conningsmark broad Swords engage I fancy you 'll turn Butchers the next Age. For these new Weapons look that guard your Lives Like bloudy Cousin Germans to their Knives I 'll put a Question t' ye Pray does the Writer As times go get most credit or the Fighter Wit is applauded when with Fancy drest But to be knock'd o' th' head 's a cursed Iest A Fate in which your forward Fool miscarries No 't is much better to lie sick at Paris Where we can write what the French King intends And storm a Town in Letters to our Friends Another Inconvenience we must own There 's many a Fool is by a Bullet known That once pass'd for a Wit of high renown The proof of Sense lies hid in Safety here But when the Skull is broke the Brains appear Ah Sirs if you to the rough Wars should follow How many Pates like mine would be found hollow Faith then take my advice Stick to Apollo Write and be studious in Dramatick Rules For should our Poets sound your shallow Sculls You were undone for Wits and we for Fools Actors Names Two Gentlemen Laton Bowman Aimwell Lord Arminger Sir Marmaduke Seldin Uncle and Guardian to the two Heiresses Sir Hercules Buffoon a Lover of Wit and Lying Alderman Buffoon his Uncle Squire Buffoon Son to Sir Hercules Overwise A Judge a Clerk a French Taylor and Women Mariana Eldest Daughter to Sir Marmaduke Fidelia Youngest Daughter to Sir Marmaduke the Two Heiresses Belmaria Innocentia Lydia a Servant to Mariana A French Waiting Woman A Seaman Lover of Lydia Servants Constable Waiters and Footboy S R. Hercules Buffoon FIRST ACT. SCENE I. Enter Laton Bowman and Aimwell La. DEAR Bowman well met Aimwell thy servant Bo. O Mr. Laton I was told you were in a gay humour last night good company and very witty La. An easie thing for any man to be witty or a Wit at my rate for we that make the greatest bustle the loudest noise and are rudest to the women are called Wits Bo. Than you conclude rudeness and ill manners to be the ingredients of wit I see thou understand'st some wit La. Yes the wit of this age I do for to be witty now is to be more troublesom in a Playhouse than a Butcher at a Beargarden that 's wit to tear womens cloaths and linnen off in the house that 's wit to see Pl for nothing one Act in the Pit another in a Box a third in the Gallery that 's wit And lastly to cheat your Hackney Coachman Link Boy and your Whore and give 'em nothing O that 's mighty wit Aim Hang 'em those are Sherks not Wits La. They go for Wits I assure you Sir When a poor Coachman has driven me all day and I not knowing how to pay him I have b him drive to such a place and there I tell him he must wait till I have supp'd under that pretence I slip out at a back door and there your Coachman 's paid Aim This is a very ungentleman like wit I assure you La. Take heed what you say for I always do it when I am drunk Bo. Ay and when you are sober too I doubt La. Faith when I want money but now they all know me so well that when I call a Coach they drive away from me as the Devil were i' th' wheels Aim If thou call'st this wit prethee be witty no more But waving all this what news Bo. All the discourse o' th' Town is of the two great Heiresses of the City three hundred thousand pound betwiâ—t two â—isters Aim 'T is almost incredible that a Merchant in his life time should raise so vast an estate Bo. 'T is no wonder several Aldermen have left greater sums Whose Sons to this hour wallow in wealth And honour too La. Has their Father left them Orphans to the City Bo. No but he has â—etch'd his elder Brother out of prison and made him their Guardian La. If he be poor they will as certainly be bought and sold as Soap and Hops are at Sturbridge Fair. Bo. May be not for he 's of great education and though he be a man of parts and wisdom yet his pride wou'd never suffer his high spirit to stoop to his low fortune but still spent on till he was clapt in prison Aim 'T is strange his Brother shou'd trust him In that low condiâ—ion Bo. 'T is so but to encourage him to be just he has left him a thousand pounds a year for his life La. For all that they that bid most shall have ' em Bo. He has two Daughters of his own indeed what his love to them may tempt him to I know not but this men say of him he is the Devil in his anger and in his temper the most airy jocose and civil Gentleman in the world Aim So much for him now for our selves How design ye the day La. My business is to visit the famous Norfolk Knight Sir Hercules Buffoon they say he is come to Town Bo. I am glad to hear it or He is a man of great divertisement La. To most men he is
such a Lord shou'd die without leaving some of his Brood behind him Cousin In. I God he knows is it Lo. I know she loves me I 'll try her with a small design Mariana I find your resolutiâ—n fixt and no persuasion can make you mine therefore I will take your advice and apply my self to fair Belmaria so your Servant Madam sweet Belmaria now I address to you Ma Hold hold I â—ie I die They run to her Lo Say you 'll be my Wiâ—e and thâ—n I 'll quit Belmaria Ma. Any thing rather than see that cruel sight again Fi. Marry her presently my Lord lest Honour get the upper hand again In. Help help my heart is broken quite in two Falls down Fi. Alas my sweet Cousin Do you take her up my Lord and she 'll do well again Lo. How do you do dear Innocentia In. Is it the pratty Lord that comes to help me then I is varra well again Ma. Then we are happy my Lord and I am wholly yours but how does my Father all this while Lo. He desires to go into the Country with two Ministers who gave me great assurance of his conversion We will marry then with all convenient speed Bel. I hope my Lord you 'll be our Guardian and let us live together and we are satisfied In. And good Honey Lord let us never part whilest we have one hour to live Lo. By my life we wou'd not quit you for all the world's wealth and I 'll make it my whole business to match you to Honourable Fortunes Enter Alderman Squire Bowman Laton and Aimwell Ald. With your leave my Lord Arminger we hear Sir Marmaduke Seldin is distracted and dying and that your Lordship is made Guardian to the two Heiresses Lo. The Ladies are pleased to think me worthy of that Trust and I have undertaken it Ald. The Northern Lady is to marry my Nephew my Lord to that end Sir Marmaduke caus'd me to settle my Estate intirely upon her the Match is gone so far my Lord. Sq. Nay 't is gone further with us young Folks for we have play'd at Clapperdeponch together therefore 't is too late to break off the Match In. By my Saul I never play'd at Clapperdepouch with thee did my Nuncle mean to wad me to sike ana Fool as thee Sq. Why this is not my Clapperdepouch Uncle Fi. Why no I is thy Clapperdepouch Honey Sq. What the Devil is there two Clapperdepouches I am sure one must be false In. I se sure I se the right Northern Heiress Sq. Then thou art the false one Honey I have heard of False Dice and False Nine-pins but to have a False Clapperdepouch put upon a man is more than ever I heard of Ald. My Lord I will not stand to this bargain for my Estate is settled upon the Northern Heiress Lo. No Sir I have read the Deed and it is settled upon Fidelia Seldin Ald. Then I am cozen'd my Lord and abused Lo. Not so Sir 't was your own voluntary Act besides I have married her Sister and I hope you 'll think it no disparagement for me to call you Uncle and you me Nephew and to have your Kinsman call me Brother Ald. My Lord I shall take it for the greatest honour in the world Sq. A much greater honour than our Alliance with King Pippin and so I receive Fidelia Seldin for my Wife Ald. And I receive you my Lord as my Nephew and your Lady as my Niece Enter Sir Hercules Buffoon and Overwise Her And I receive you as my Son and Daughter by this Match you honour us as you are a Noble Lord and we honour you by making you a Kinsman to King Pippin Over My Earl of Honour I have one Project the which if your Lordship will counteâ—ance Lo. You know I was always your Friend and ever will be Over Then my Earl you must know my Ancestor was the first Inventor of Short Hand and you see of what use it is to the world but at first it was extremely laugh'd at as no doubt my Project will be Bo. There is no question of it in the least Lo. Pray you let me hear your Project as briefly as you can Over Briefly I find I am troublesom I humbly refuse then my Lord. Aim I wou'd not give a Doit to hear it Over My Lord I humbly grieve that I have rudely refused my Project is this Lo. I will not hear it now Sir Over Then I pity you my Lord Young Man thou shalt hear it Sq. By my faith but I will not Over Now Sir it is my opinion that you sprung not from the Loyns of King Pippin Her Sir do you affront the Family of the Buffoons Sq. I 'll affront your Coxcomb with Mahomets own Semitor that cut off Orene's head Over My Lord upon my Honor that very Semitor hangs up now in Gresham College Lo. Now Sir I 'll hear your Project for your Semitors sake at Gresham College Over My Lord you know all the World now writes Short Hand and my Project is that which I am I confess really fond of Bo. That 's more than any man else will be I doubt well what is it Over Sir I communicate onely to my Lord Ladies you may hear if you please my Project is Ladies well I value my self extremely upon it In. Marra the Devil hama gin this be not a worse Fool than thy Clapperdepouch Cousin Over Well in short as all the World writes Short Hand so I wou'd teach all the World to speak Short Hand and by an Act of Parliament have it call'd the Short Hand Tongue La. Speak Short Hand and have it call'd the Short Hand Tongue Iack Adams for that ha ha ha Omnes Ha ha ha ha Over Did not I before hand tell your Lordship I shou'd be laugh'd at Lo. You did so indeed most Prophetically Over Nevertheless my Lord I shall proceed for I have really computed that a long-winded Minister shall pâ—each a Sermon in the Short Hand Tongue in as little time as a Horse shall run a Four miles course and that is exactly seven minutes Madam Omnes Ha ha ha ha Bo. Why do you laugh Gentlemen I think 't wou'd be great Service to the Nation to have a Sermon preach'd in seven minutes Aim Then Sermons wou'd not be tedeous nor people wou'd not sleep at Church Her Nor wou'd they have time to make love there as I have done often Sq. Nor wou'd Sunday Pies be burnt in the Oven nor Meat over roasted nor would Farmers have time to make Bargains at Church Over Right Sir I will undertake to make the Merchants of the Change and Lawyers at the Bar plead all their business in the Short Hand Tongue nay and the Judges shall give Sentence in the Short Hand Tongue Sq. And men shall be hang'd in Short Hand Ropes and then they will feel â—o pain Over Right anâ— what ease wou'd it be to the World to have all the whole business
and vigorous the course of Nature joyn'd with envious Age cannot prevent the sprightly youth I now feel growing in me Enter Servant Ser. Sir Alderman Buffoon is come to see you Sel. Alderman Buffoon dost thou call him prethee good Foolane tell Alderman Buffoon that he may come in 'T is Alderman Buffoon I know him a vast rich Citizen go you in Mariana no more my Daughter but my Niece Ma. I understand you Sir Exit Mariana Enter Alderman Ald. Sir Marmadukeâ— I come to congratulate your good fortune Sel. Good fortune in what Sir Ald. In being sole Guardian to your Brothers Daughters Sel. Where lies the good fortune of that Ald. O Sir it gains you esteem in the world besides good advantage may be made on 't Sel. Advantage what do you take me for a Knave Ald. Fâ—eno and yet I think you are no Fool. Sel. All the Town knows their Fortune what advantage then can I make unless I wickedly betray my trust Ald. Said like a worthy Gentleman I know your Principles are honourable your Spirit high but your Fortune is low consider that Sel. Pray you come to your meaning Sir Ald. An honest advantage may be made and I come to offer it Sel. I wou'd have you know were there no other but the common thing called Honesty that wou'd guard me from corruption But here 's a stronger tie a Tender Conscience alas Doomsday is ever in my thoughts and I dare not hear you Ald. I wonder your High Spirit and a Tender Conscience shou'd agree so well 't is strange too that having been so lavish as to spend your great Estate you shou'd now be so good a Husband as to lay up for Doomsday a thing so far off Sel. Death Sir do you come to affront me Ald. No I say again an honest advantage may be made if there were twenty Doomsdays Will ten thousand pounds damn you ask any manâ— opinion put case it wou'd I know twenty Citizens with tender consciences that make long prayers too and yet wou'd run the risque of Doomsday for ten thousand pound Sel. O most fearful I hope you 've better thoughts of me alas I have a Grave to think on and in my Chamber stands my Coffin with my Father skull upon 't and when I awake they are the first objects that my eyes encounter and can you ever hope to corrupt me then Ald I never knew a tender conscience afâ—aid of an honest motion before since you 're turn'd a simple Precisian farwell Sir Sel. Nay pray stay an honest motion may be heard at last Ald. Well said than thus it is I have a Nephew that I 'll make my Heir and if you 'll match your Northern Niece to him I 'll settle five thousand pounds a year on him and at my death the rest and I 'll give you ten thousand pounds for your consent you know I can make this good Sel. Where 's your Nephew fetch him presently but I will take no money Ald. Well well who is your Goldsmith Sel. I have no Goldsmith nor will I take money 't is vitious Bribery yet now you talk of a Goldsmith Mr. Cash is as just a man as can be dealt with Ald. 'T is enough I understand you Sel. You must not understand me so indeed Sir Ald. Away away you 're too modest too honest to live among men I 'll do it and bring my Nephew presently Exit Alderman Sel. Ha ha I laugh to think how this Fellow will report my tender conscience to the Citizens well if this Fool will fall into a Trap that never was laid for him then 't is not I but Fate destroys him THIRD ACT. SCENE I. Enter Lord Bowman Aimwell Poet Servants and Bottles Lo. GEntlemen pray ye salute my Friend Overwise he has undertaken to be the Poet to whom the Squire is bound Prentice Omnes Your humble Servant Mr. Overwise Over Gentle Worthies I am your contracted and betroth'd Friend Lo. Can there be a finer phras'd Fool than this Bo. No certainly he is our contracted and betroth'd Fool. Over My Lord no the word Lord is too common it tastes of Vulgerality Aim Gods so there 's a fine word Vulgerality is your own coyning Sir Over Staâ—p'd in my own Mint Sir I hope so to refine the English Tongue that the Dukes and Peers of France will come over hither to learn the Language Aim That 's a great project do you hope to see it in your own life time Over No question Sir do you hope to see Pauls built Aim Yes without doubt Over At the same time I expect the Peers of France to learn the English Tongue Lo. But Mr. Overwise prethee what are those Squirts and Bottles for Over They are proper instruments to initiate an Ass withall you must second me as I have order'd the ceremony he will really be very much abused Bo. Abused hang him to murder him requires no more compassion than drowning of a Kitlin Enter Hercules and Squire Her Save you my Lord save ye Gentlemen you honour me to come to this ceremony which is my Sons Master Siâ—s Bo. This is the worthy person your Son is bound Prentice to Her Are you a Poet worthy Sir Lo. Yes Sir he is one of those that swinges the Gods about Over I am by my profession a poor Poet Sir Her That 's no wonder for I never heard of a rich one in my life Over O Sir Poets like Philosophers despise wealth the fame of worthy Wit is all we aim at Her You may aim but ne'er hit the mark I doubt however 't is an honourable ambition Well what is he to be the first year Over The first year he takes his degree of Ass Her O'tis true you told me of a ceremony to enter or initiate him into the Order of Asshood Lo. I have heard of Manhood but never of Asshood before Over Sir the ceremony is great the rule was among the ancient Poets when a man took his degree to hath in the Liquor of the Gods but we modern Wits steep our Brains altogether in Burgundy and Pontack and we find it does the business every whit as well Her But how do you know that Over By comparing the ancient and modern Wits together Come Sir you must strip to your Shirt get the Bottles and Glasses Bo. The ceremony to a stranger will seem to be a gross abuse however I assure you it is no more than what all men undergo that are bound Prentice to Poets Omnes That we all upon our Honours do assure you Sq. Nay then I will undergo it whatsoever it be Her We can suffer as much abuse as any Family in England upon the score of Poetry Over Come kneel down Sir now fill every Gentleman a Bumper of Claret You must know for six moneths together he must swallow daily two Verses and by old custom he must begin with Chancer and so go through all the English Poets till he come to modern Mr. Bayes The ceremony
Creation of unrefined Clay such as Bearwards and Tinkers were made up of You are content Sir to settle all intirely upon my Niece and her Heirs Ald. Most freely upon this Match I 'll make my Nephew a Lord. Sel. There are so many Buffoons stolen into Titles that men wou'd judge they came not lawfully by them Come Sir let us go settle this Estate Sq. Why Honey shall we not have one tryal of skill for a young Pippin Exeunt SCENE III. Enter Sir Hercules Laton Bowman Squire and Clerk La. Sir be sure you make my peace or all the World shall not save your throat I will be at the door and hear all you say Sir Exit Laton Bo. If thou get'st off o' this Knight I 'll prefer thee to the first Form of Wits and that 's very honourable I 'll assure you Her I had rather be an honourable first rate Wit than a first rate Alderman Enter Judge Bo. Thou art bravely disguiz'd have a good heart here 's the Judge Jud. Save ye Gentlemen are you Sir Thomas Lovill Sir Her I am Knight and Baronet if you please my Lord. Jud. Then Sir if you please your business Her Second me Sirs I come to inform your Lordship of the most notorious Villain that ever wore the figure of a Man one Sir Hercules Buffoon The Law no doubt will give your Lordship damage enough for the scandalous things he has said of you Jud. Of me Sir Scandalous things of me pray you the words Bo. What the Devil does your Father mean tro to be hanged Sq. For a good Lie he 'll venture that at any time Her He said your Lordship loved a Bribe above your Allegeance and that you have unjustly given away an Estate for a Bribe of fifteen hundred Guineys Jud. That 's Action enough down with those Guineys what a Villain ' t is Sq. I you 'd say so if you knew the Rogue as well as we do my Lord. Her You Dog I do not allow you to abuse me thus Jud. But Gentlemen have you witness of this Her Enough my Lord my self and two Gentlemen more not these they can witness another thing One Laton hearing how Buffoon had abused your Lordship comes to him and had down right killed him but for these two Gentlemen Sq. 'T is very true my Lord I got a broken head with parting 'em and this Gentleman was run through the arm Bo. A pox on him I must own it now he tells you true my Lord. Jud. Pray you what Laton is it that has fought for me thus Her One Robin Laton my Lord Buffoon's a valian Fellow and yet this Laton has cudgell'd and beaten him to Stock-fish my Lord. Jud. That Robin Laton is my Kinsman I turn'd him out of doors 't is much then he shou'd fight for me Her Your Kinsman my Lord he might be your Son by his desperate fighting for you Jud. Say you so if this be true Gentlemen I 'll make him happy Bo. We can all witness it my Lord to say truth Sir Hercules is a most pernicious mischievous Rascal Sq. A notorious Villain my Lord there has not been a Rogue hanged these seven years that has deserved it so much as he has done Her You Dog remember this I 'll maul you for 't Jud. Well I 'll trounce the Rogue I warrant you has he an Estate to make good the damages the Law will give me Sq. Enough enough my Lord hang him a damn'd rich Hell-hound Her Zounds was ever man thus abus'd Bowman Nay he said your Lordship was a most Gigantick Whoremaster and that you have nine Bawds lie leiger in the Country to send up fresh Virgins to you Jud. Pox on him wou'd he cou'd make his words good I 'll firk the Knave how shall we do to take him Her If your Lordship will grant me your Warrant I 'll bring him before your Honour to morrow morning Jud. Clerk write a Warrant presently I 'll not leave him worth a Groat he shall rot in Jayl Her To see that Rogue a Beggar wou'd make me pray for your Lordship all the days of my Life the Knave called me Cuckold my Lord too Sq. Faith Sir no Child can say absolutely who was his Father Wives will have their fancies and why not yours Her You abominable Rogue My Lord have not you an Office in your gift Jud. Yes I have Sir Bo. I 'll tell you my Lord this Buffoon after Mr. Laton had beaten him promised to get this Office of your Lordship for Mr. Laton pretending that he had you at such a hank you durst not deny him Jud. I never saw the Villain in my life Bo. Nay my Lord the next day he told your Nephew he had got the Office for him and made him go presently to give your Lordship thanks for it Her And the base Fellow they say was never with your Lordship Jud. No indeed Sir and that made me angry with my Nephew to give me thanks for that I never gave him the man meant mischief Her Was ever such a shameless Fellow my Lord By my troth give your Kinsman the Office and I 'll give your Lordship two Brace of fat Deer every season as long as you live my Lord. Jud. Give it me under Hand and Seal that I may demand them as my due and I 'll do it Her With all my heart my Lord. Jud. Out of what Park for the place must he exprest in the Writing Her Zounds I've ne'er a Park what shall I do Out Whetstones Park in the County of Middlesex my Lord. Jud. Whetstone there is a place call'd Whetstone by Barnâ—t but I never heard of a Park there Her That 's not the place Whetstones Park is as well known as London I wou'd it were an hundred miles off on 't I am so plagued with Citizens that I cannot have a Deer that 's mans meat but they steal it out of my Park my Lord. Clerk Here is the Warrant against Sir Hercules Buffoon Jud. I 'll sign it Clerk draw an Indenture for two Brace of Deer yearly out of Whetstones Park in the County of Middlesex upon forfeiture of five hundred pounds from Sir Thomas Lovill Bo. Here I shall burst out a laughing I cannot hold Enter Laton La. My Lord here 's one to summon all the Judges to Court Jud. ' ods so I must away then Sir I forgive you for defending my Reputation so well I give you the Office and all my Estate after my death Nephew see Sir Thomas Lovill sign the Obligation for two Brace of Deer yearly out of Whetstones Park in Middlesex and Sir I hope you will apprehend that Rascal Buffoon for me Exit Judge Her I 'll have him as sure as the day comes my Lord. La. Dear Knight thou art come off with honour thou art my Golden Calf and I 'll worship thee Bo. Never had man so much ado to forbear laughing as I have had at this Whetstones Park Sq. I was fain to turn
upon Stilts Omnes Ha ha ha Aim If every man here shou'd cut an inch of his tongue out he wou'd have enough lefâ— I warrant ye to tell a Lie Over Really if one inch were off 't is possible he might speak truth and if one inch will not do my opinion is to cut it clear out Bo. Prethee Knight what 's the name of the Country where these wonders grow Her 'T is call'd 't is call'd Terra Incognita all the Seamen i' th' world know it ne'er a Skuller o' th' Thames but knows Terra Incognita Fool Bo. 'T is as well known as the North East Passage to the Indies the Seamen know it as well as they know the Garden of Eden Her Why there 's no question i' th' world of it Man Aim If thou shou'dst be condemned to speak truth all thy life what a case wert thou in Her I 'll hold thee five Guineys the next thing I speak of shall be truth and deposit in Sir Marmaduke's hand Aim Done for five Guineys there Sir Her And there Sir You know I told ye Gentlemen that the Guardian and I were old Acquaintants and intimate Friends and may I perish if ever I saw him in my life bâ—fore this hour speak truth now Guardian Sel. The man speaks truth now upon my honour Gentlemen Her Then I have won Now I 'll hold thee five Guineys more that I ne'er speak truth again as long as I live Omnes Ha ha ha ha Enter Servant Ser. My Lord Arminger is come and desires to see you Sel. Gentlemen I must crave your pardon great business calls me from ye but I desire ye to take the freedom of my house Exit Seldin and Enter Alderman and Squire Her Uncle what makes you here Ald. I have match'd our Squire to the Northern Heiress and settled all my Estate upon the Lady Bo. Sir your Nephew cannot marry till he is out of his time for he is Prentice to a Poet. Ald. How Prentice to a Poet Sq. Yes and a greater honour than to be a Lord Uncle you wou'd say so if you knew the Records of Parnassus I have taken the degree of Ass already Ald. Ass Poets are the wittiest men of our Nation then what relation can an Ass have to a Poet Blockhead Sq. O Uncle you wou'd a blest your self to a seen me pass the grand Ceremony of an Ass First I kneel'd in my Shirt then all these Gentlemen according to the Rules of Parnassus threw a hundred Bumpers of Claret in my face Ald. Bumper prethee what 's a Bumper Sq. For shame Uncle not know what a Bumper is Bumper is the Parnassus word for a Beer Glass top full Her O the Learning of Parnassus exceeds all the Greek Hebrew Scotch Welsh and Irish in the world Ald. I find they made an Ass of thee indeed La. But you must know 't was done by the Laws of Parnassus where the Records of Poetry are most sacredly kept Ald. â—ecords of Parnassus prethee what place is Parnassus Sq. 'T is a place of rest for the Souls of the Poets for you must know they never go to Heaven but when they die their Souls are conâ—emned to Parnassus there to sing Madrigals every one in praise of his own Poetry to all eternity Aim And that doubtless pleases them better than going to Heaven Ald. But will abusing a man inspire him with wit Her The Ceremony without question will â—or never was Boy so improved Ald. But will his wit get him an Estate as mine has done Her Nay by my faith I cannot say that Ald. Then a Wit is a pitiful poor Creature and I 'll warrant you one that will borrow money of his very Father I have more wit than a hundred of ' em Sq. I Uncle you got your wit out of Eternal Hopkins Ald. Come let me see your Master Over I am the person that honours your Nephew so far as to make him my Prentice Ald. Honour him he honours thee thou vainglorious Poet but I do not blame thee for 't is natural to you all But 〈…〉 I 'll try whether you 're a Poet or no break a 〈…〉 without 〈…〉 Over Hold Sir a Jest is not so quickly at a Poets command Ald. Then you 're a dull insipid Poet and will never go to Parnassus To tell you true I like not your Profession therefore I 'll buy the Boys time out I 'll give you a hundred pound that you may take some lawful Calling for Poets and Players are never useful but of a Lord Maiors day when they 're mounted on a Padgeant Bo. What think you of the Authority of the Nation that allows them Ald. For all that we Citizens are always of our own opinion and I say again Poets and Players are never useful but when a King is crown'd or a Lord Maior is chosen and 't is the opinion of the Court of Aldermen and I 'll stand in it Exeunt SCENE III. Enter Lord Arminger and Mariana Ma. I am here by promise to give your Lordship Reasons why you and I must never marry and prepare your self for I 've a story bloud and horrour are the least things in 't Lo. Bless me it startles all my Spirits to hear sweet Innocence talk of bloud you must be virtuous such Sweetness cannot deceive Ma. My Lord I am false a lewd Impostor and not the Heiress whom you came to marry Lo. How you have not lest me sense enough to wonder my bloud wants motion and life is stealing from me and not sensible speak again for 't is impossible you shou'd e'er be wicked Ma. I am not the Heiress but Sir Marmaduke Seldins own Daughter and the true Heiresses my dear and lovely Kinswomen are Lo. Are what where speak Ma. Murder'd what opinion have you of my Virtue now my Lord Lo. I rather fear your Senses than your Virtue yet some wild extravagancy hath seiz'd your parts and made your Tongue strike false such a heavenly Fabrick cannot be tenanted with Devils therefore deliver truth in short and let me be at ease Ma. Our cruel Father forc'd our consents to that more cruel murder and had we refused we had infallibly met our own deaths Lo. Hold my heart has met so violent a storm 't will everset I bear a weight of grief heavier than Atlas burthen Pray you speak of something else my ears are filled with so much wickedness they have no room for more pray you speak the rest as softly as you can Ma. Then thus my Lord having met my Father in all his bloudy purposes Lo. Bless me how unconcern'd she talks of Bloud her tongue persuades one way and her heavenly form another Ma. But the contrivance of theâ—s deathr so infinitely surpriz'd and pleased my Father that he trusted our Engines with the bloudy deed Lo. Bless me how my opinion comes and goes you seem to rejoyce Madam Ma. Then hear me Sir My own Servant having a Seaman to her Lover hired a Ship to
from you Sel. O my Lord I find my Children have made known my wicked purpose and my shame confounds me so I dare not look upon your virtuous Figure O let me see my heavenly Babes Ma. Here dear Father let us for ever kneel and for evermore thank Heaven for this your blest conversion Fi. O dear Sir what comfort 't is to see you satisfied that these are safe Sel. A blessed comfort indeed they are Saints my Lord too good to dwell on Earth and therefore shall to Heaven thus Stabs Mariana Lord and Seaman disarm him ye Devils Lo. Hold thou cursed Wretch take his Sword from 's side whilest I disarm him of his Dagger Fi. Run run for Surgeons let all the Houshold run Lo. Houshold imploy the whole World for Surgeons and let all the business of the Earth stanâ— still till Mariana be recovered Ma. Have merâ—y on my distressed Father my Lord. Sel. A curse on thee for a Religious Jilt Lo. What can he now expect but publick justice for all the Records of Hell cannot produce such wickedness as is in thee but for Mariana's sake yet repent and all shall be forgot Sel. Repent Seaman that Lord 's turn'd Fool did Quality ever trouble it self with repentance before it lies not in the road of Greatness Fetch me the Devil and I 'll thank you I have revengful work for him and his whole Tribe give me my Sword Sea You are in no conâ—ition to be trusted with a Sword Sir Sel. Lord of all Mankind trust not that treacherous Slave he once seemed to me the bravest and the bloudiest Villain that ever Man or Devil imployed and the false Dog turn'd tail prov'd honest and betray'd me My Children too prov'd false who wou'd stay in this wicked world I and my damn'd Issue will out on 't to see them â—ry in torments wou'd please me better than to be a Monarch Lo. Thou Wretch think of thy Soul and then repent Sel. I cannot revenge allows no time to think of Souls the Heralds know every thing takes place of Penitence that comes sneaking behind and is allow'd no place of Honour but Vengeance rides i' th' front o' th' battel and I his right hand man therefore this Tongue shall never utter any worâ—s but Vengeance Furies and Torments Torments Furies and Vengeance revenge Devils revenge Exit Seldin Lo. What an Example of Desperation's here Pray you Siâ— be careful of hiâ— till I senâ— Ministers to comfort him I wonder so wicked a man shou'd have such virtuous children Exeunt SCENE III. Enter Judge and Clerk at one door Bowman Laton Buffoon Squire at another La. Clerk take heed be sure you be true to us Clerk I 'll stick as close to you as your Shirt Sir Her Save you my Lord I understand one Lovill a Rogue with one eye and a wooden leg has inform'd you that I have with most reproachful and ignominious words bespatter'd your Judgship Jud. Oho! then it seems you are Sir Hercules Buffoon that have as you call it bespatter'd me write a Warrant Clerk I 'll clap you up and clap an Action of ten thousand pounds upon you for scandal Sir Sq. That will be a damn'd Clap indeed Clap him up and Clap an Action this Judge talks of nothing but Claps I believe he knows Whetstones Paâ—k better than I do Her Clap me up I scorn your words my Lord bring that Villain Lovill to my â—ace to justifie his words if he dare Jud. I am afraid Clerk he dares not come because of the roguish bargain he put upon me of two Brace of Deer out of Whetstones Park it seems a Park of Baâ—dy-houses Rogue Rogue Sq. My Lord I 'll take that bargain off your hands I 'll give you two Brace of Fallow Deer for your two Brace of Whetstone Jud. Yours is such another Park as Whetstone I suppose but for Lovill I 'll clap him up in a Jayl where he shall never come out Sq. Another Clap this old Fellow has been a Swinger in 's days Her He 's a sherking Knave and no Knight my Lord. Jud. How came he to be call'd so then Bo. In the time of the Civil Wars he found friends it seems to get a blaâ—k Warrant for a Baronet and not finding a good Customer for it he sawcily bestow'd the Honour upon himself Jud. He is the first Subject that ever made himself a Knight Her Not by some few my Lord but I am told you threaten to undo me for which I 'll clap an Action of the Casâ— upon you my Lord. Sq. Then there will be Clap for your Clap and the stone in your foot still my Lord. Jud. If I find this Lovill I 'll purge your ill manners for you Her The Rogues Oath will not be taken he has been Knight of the â—ost these twenty years there came in his Knighthood 't is his trade he has nothing else to live on Jud. Did you ever hear two men rail at one another thus Sir Bo. I think the like was never known my Lord. Jud. Well till Lovill be found I 'll secure you Sir Her I defie both Law and Lawyers for I have a Protection Jud. A Protection I believe the Devil voids Protections faster than Children void Worms let me see it Sir Her I have it not yet but if you 'll call for a Pen and Ink I 'll write my self one presently Jud. This Fellow seems to be some Jester rather than a Knight Bo. He may be a Jester and yet a Knight too Jud. But hold Clerk was not this Gentleman here with Sir Thomas Lovill Bo. My Lord I was not here I have a Twin Brother indeed very like me I suppose it might be him Jud. That may be but I am certain this young Squire was here and said he was Lovill's Son Sq. My Lord I was not here I have a Twin Brother indeed very like me I suppose it might be him Jud. This Fellow 's a Fool and not a Squire sure Sq. My Lord a Fool and a Squire are Twin too you 'll scarce know one from the other Jud. Clerk sure this is Sir Thomas Lovill's Son Sq. I had rather be thought the Son of a Whore Lovill's a Rogue that deals with Pick-pockets and can help people to stolen goods again Bo. This is you all this while Knight Jud. You all deny the truth Sir Buffoon you 'll deny too that my Nephew cudgell'd you Her I scorn to be cudgell'd I confess he caned me indeed and he kick'd me so that my Haaches look as black as a Westphaâ—ia Ham or the Traytors Quarters upon the City gates La. Upon my word my Lord I never caned nor kick'd him nor did I ever in my life see the man before this day Jud. Did you not beat him then for abusing me so grosly La. No my Lord. Jud. Then give me my Deed again Sirrah La. No my Lord. Jud. Why did you own you base Fellow that you were caned and kick'd Her Because my Lord I
take delight in Lying 't is my darling virtue I love it better than you love Whetstone Venison my Lord. Jud. You Rascal I 'll have you â—udgell'd because you scorn it Bo. O my Lord exercise your patience and take some other course Jud. Then I suppose that you Sirrah hired that Rogue Lovill to tell me stories of your Valour to wheedle me out of my Estate La. I did so my Lord. Jud. You impudent Fellow hast thou the Face to justifie it La. Yes my Lord. Jud. And this ridiculous Squire is Lovill that Rascal's Son Sq. Yes my Lord and I am this Knights Son too my Lord. Jud. You abominable Fool how can that be Bo. Because my Lord Sir Hercules disguiz'd himself with a black paâ—â—h and a wooden leg a purpose to put this trick upon you Jud. Clerk bear witness here are two Knights found in one person both confessing each other to be notorious Rogues here 's a Pilory in the case besideâ— Whipping in abundance Her You have done well ouâ—s what have you brought me to Jud. The misfortune is that these two Knights have but one back to bear all the whipping due to 'em both Her I defie your whipping pull off my Coat look you here Sir I am the Court Fool and here 's my Fools Coat to protect me Jud. Death had ever Lawyer so many tricks put upon him cheated of my Office my Estate and not content with that but thus grosly to abuse me too La. Your Conscience knows you cozen'd my Father grosly and I have got it again by a trick so there 's trick for your trick and the stone in your foot still Jud. I think there 's a flaw in the Deed if there be Villain I 'll make thee the wretchâ—d'st Begger in the Nation Bo. We have been with Council and they say it is the firmest Deed that ever yet was drawn so that you have the credit of being the best Conveyancer of all the Town Jud. Then am I the first man that ever was undone by being too good a Lawyer but I 'll find some other way to destroy thee thou accursed Villain Exeunt Judge and Clerk Sq. As angry as you are I expect my bargain of Whetstones Park my Lord. Her Now Boys let 's to the Tavern eat drink and rejoyce for Dagon the Law is beaten down and shall be no longer worshipped Exeunt SCENE IV. Enter Fidelia and Innocentia Fi. How do you my dear Innocentia my Soul mourns to hear you say you 're sick Child In. Prethee â—ousin do not call me Child by my Saul I have Womans thoughts in me my head akes so it plays Riveskin with me waes me my Heart greips me too Fi. You mistake Jewel 't is the Belly that gripes not the Heart In. Nay God waite it 's e'en my Heart that is it I can do nought but think of that praâ—ty Lord Cousin then my Heart gâ—iâ—es me so that I se e'en ready to be dead what means that hast thou any skill to tell me Cousin Fi. Alas my dear Cousin I doubt you are in love In. Now waes me I se quite undone then thou knows Cousin that sweet Honey Lord kiss'd my hand e'en now and he kissâ—d it so prattily that I have kiss'd it a thousand time since because that pratty Lord kiss'd it and is that love thinkest thou Couâ—in Fi. I and desperate love too shall I tell him how you love him Cousin In. I and e'en Gods Bâ—nnison and mine light on thee for it but I doubt Cousin thou'll speak can word for me and twâ—â— for thy self Fi. O sie Cousin do not think I am so treacherous In. By my Saul I se sure I shou'd serve thee sea Fi. Poor sweet Jewel I pity thee exceedingly Enter Lord Arminger Lo. O Fidelia rejoyce your Sisters wound proves but a scratch all danger 's past she 's drest and coming forth Fi. I heartily rejoyce but my Lord this sweet Creature is so in love with your Lordship that if you be not civil to her I really think 't will kill her Lo. Heaven forbid pretty Lady be assured I pay you my respects with all the love my Honour can give way to In. Let me but once a day look at thy pratty Face and then kiss my hand for me thou deft pratty Man and that 's all the blessing I desire in the warld Enter Mariana Lo. Assure your self of those and thousands more but behold your sweet Sister O my dear Mariana Providence I hope has lent you life to make mine easie to me Ma. Stop there my Lord made not you a Contract with my Father to marry Belmaria the eldest Heiress Lo. I grant I did so Madam Ma. And was not I without a Fortune falsly put upon you did you not court me as Belmaria and truly love me as Belmaria Lo. Your Fathers Dagger is in every word you 've spoke and has not scratch'd but wounded In. Now waes me my pratty Lord 's in love with thy Sister Cousin Lo. Mariana you accuse me as if I had broke my Faith by Heaven I never yet was false Ma. You will be if you persist in a love sprung from a false foundation you made love to an Impostor a false woman and now you know the Cheat are you so weak to think your Honour is engaged to make that Courtship good to that Impostor Lo. An Impostor is the welcom'st blessing upon earth to me if it appear in your lovely Figure In. Now by my Saul he 's more in love with her than I se with him waes me Ma. I believe my Lord you truly love me and that 's my onely Curse In. Ten thousand like Curses fall on me they wou'd be my best Blessings Cousin Ma. When I consider how falsly how by a trick you came to love me I must in honour pronounce my own doom anâ— say I 'll never marry In. God in Heaven keep her ever in that mind Ma. The wrong else to Belmaria wou'd look as if we saved her from one murder to execute a worse upon her Enter Belmaria Bel. Mariana you nor your Lord have injured but had your Father prov'd faithful perhaps I had been your Bride my Lord. In. Waes me what shall I do my Sister 's in love with him too wad I had been devour'd with wild Bâ—ars Ma. Had my Father been faithful Belmaria says you had been hers mark that my Lord can you after this ever make court to me my Lord this heart and every drop of bloud within it has more love for you than Dido quitted life for yet all this can I conqueâ— to be just therefore must not in point of Honour marry What strong Arguments I use to destroy my self Fi. I thank Fate I am not in Love's Lime twigs for here 's the Devil and all to do In point of â—onour foâ—sooth one will not marry and the other will not marry so that I find the Punctilio's of Honour will destroy Geneâ—ation and is 't not pitâ—
her Seaman shall appear at that window like Ghosts call him Bloudy Murderer bid him repent and so vanish Ma. That must shake his Spirits being guilty and I hope may work upon his hardned heart Lo. We all hope that I much approve of this contrivance and if you please I 'll instantly about it Bel. My Lord we shall for ever own the obligation In. Good Honey Lord take heed my naughty Nunâ—le do not kill you now Lo. Sweet lovely Innocentia I thank you your faithful Seavant Ladies Exit Lord. In. Faithful to us all marra I se sure Iste have the least share of you then Bel. Come dear Mariana this tryal I hope will bring your poor Father to an humble penitence Ma. It is the onely blessing upon earth my Soul prays for Fi. I hope for something else upon earth before I die Sister Omnes We shall all rejoyce to see you both enjoy your wishes Exeunt FIFTH ACT. SCENE I. Enter Buffoon Bowman Laton La. O Sir Hercules there 's rods in piss for you ' y saith my Uncle is so incens'd against thee for putting that damn'd Joke of Whetstones Park upon him that he resolves to have the whole Nation search'd but he will have thee Her I thought a Deer out of Whetstones Park had been welcomer to him than all the Venizon i' th' world how came he to know it Bo. Why it seems he inquir'd of some of his Brother Lawyers where about in Middlesex a place call'd Whetstones Park stood and withall told 'em he had bargain'd for two Brace of Deer yearly out on 't during his life La. Upon that they all fell a laughing at him ready to split and told him it was a Park of Bawdy-houses which made him fall into so great a rage that he has sent his Clerk Constables and Devil and all to search for thee Her Why you know 't was Sir Thomas Lovill with the wooden Leg that put Whetstones Park upon him I 'll go to him as I am Sir Hercules and bid him produce his lame Knave Sir Thomas Lovill hast thou the Deed of thy Fathers Estate Man La. I have it Old Boy he was so pleas'd that I fought with thee in the defence of his Reputation that he gave me the Deed presently and the Lawyerâ— assure me that it is aâ— firm a Deed as ever yet was maâ—e Her Then never â—ear me I 'll get off well enough I 'll warrant you La. I 'll own the whole to him come we 'll contrive it as we go Exeunt SCENE II. Enter Lord Arminger and Guardian Lo. Sir Marmaduke I have something to impart to you but you being subject to violent passions I am not willing to communicate such unwelcom news to you Sel My Lord to shew the dear respect I bear you passion shall be my slave for once I 'll stop his violent source and yoke him to humility therefore let me know the worst of ill my cruel Fate has destin'd Lo. In short your Nieces are fallen desperately ill Sel. Is that all my Lord if they be sick we will have a Doctor Lo. Not sick but worse a ghastly fear and trembling has possest them something appears to 'em and frights 'em for they ran to me and cryed Save us Save us and ask'd me if I saw nothing and pointed with their Fingers crying aloud There they are There they are have they ever had such Fits before Sel. Often my Lord often ever when they dream of Hopgoblins the next day they run to me for shelter dam 'em their base womanish fear will destroy their glorious preferment Lo. Their desperate Fits wou'd make me think 'em guilty of Murder but for my full persuasion of their sweet and blessed innocence and what unspeakable comfort it is to be innocent what say you Sir Sel. Yes it is a fine childish comfort for to be innocent is to be ignorant to be ignorant is to know nothing and they that know nothing are unworthy to be reckon'd of the race of Man And that is my opinion of Innocence my Lord. Lo. I am troubled to hear this it is no religious Answer Sel. It was no religious Question I wou'd see my Nieces are they here my Lord Lo. Yes they are here bloudy Villain I 'll fetch those blessed Innocents which by thy virtuous Daughters were preserv'd Ghost above Sel. Ha ha what thou art a foolish Scarcrow call'd a Ghost art thou not Lo. Who is 't you speak to what is 't you sâ—e Sel. Nothing I speak to nothing I see nothing do you my Lord Lo. No Sir but such distracted starts as those your Nieces had Sel. Then good my Lord withdraw in short the Devil and I have conference once a week and now 's the time Lo. I 'll fetch your Nieces their Virtues may fright your Devil â—way Exit Lord. Sel. Now thou venemous Serpent clad in ghostly white come down that I may kill thee over again and so have thee doubly damn'd Sea Thou canst not Fool hurt me I am an aiery Spirit Sel. Come down and I 'll knead and mould thy aiery Spirit into substance that I may tear it into air again what art thou Sea A damn'd Soul of thy preferring dispatch and die the Devils are stark made in Hell that thou art so long on Earth therefore make haste they want thee Sel. If the Devil wants me let him if he dares come fetch me I dare him and his whole Host of Furies bring Proserpine his Wife and in spite of all his Guards I 'll keep her here on earth and make Prince Pluto my Cuckold and what a shame 't wou'd be to Hell to have it said Miss Proserpine is kept Sea Cease thy madness Fool I am that Seaman who undertook the bloudy Murder of thy Nieces but was prevented by being all drowned at Sea Sel. Drowned art thou sure of it Sea Too sure Sel. Then take notice I am their Heir at Law come down sweet Ghost and let me kiss thee for never did Spirit bring such blessed news Bel. O wicked Uncle repent In. Repent for thou's my naughty Nuncle Sel. What a Yorkshire Ghost what Northern Devil is thy Guardian now Sea Since thou canst not wretched man repent behold us all in flesh and bloud and clad in pure innocence Sel. Alive all alive O happy hour O blessed minute Come come down dear Nieces and behold your poor Uncle rejoycing in his tears to find you all thus secretly preserved what Saint was 't that saved you Bel. Your virtuous Children so we come good Uncle In. Take heed thou dissemble not good Nuncle Exeunt above Sel. My own Daughters betray me I that thought my subtilty above the reach of Devils by Children to be deluded O dam ' em how like innocent truth their words fell from 'em and I an infatuated Fool believed Enter Lord Fidelia Belmaria Innocentia Lidia Seaman Lo. Sir Marmaduke I take you in my arms and am o'erjoy'd to see such penitential tears flow