have kicked at his Fatherly protection and run into many gross and vile sins The first gross one was many kinds of unlawful gaming which held me as a bond-slave near thirty years to the great endangering both of my Body and Soul but yet it pleased the Lord to look graciously upon me and to give me afterwards an hatred against this vice and withal he put into my mind a resolution which I confirmed with a vow as followeth That as I loved God and his Word or my own Soul I would never play at any game for money so long as I lived The Lord was pleased to accept of my good will and blessed me and mine in my lawfull calling many years untill at the last that old Serpent the Devil envying my happy proceedings in this Reformation he drew me into many other sins which had almost brought me to as bad an end as the first But the Lord out of the lowest Extremities gives in remedies to his Children and he gave me an hatred against them also and a Resolution Never to commit them any more Yet about two or three years after that old enemy of mankind Satan that roaring Lion seeking whom he may devour came again with turnings to destroy me perswading me that to drink with my Neighbours was acceptable to God which may be used without excess but I gave will the full reins which brought me back again to my former courses withal annexing wrath and anger to my House and Family perswading me that I must rule in my house which had brought me besides my self had not God helped me who never fails those whom he loves and that put their trust in him For presently upon this extremity he sent this remedy 1. A sight of my sins 2. A grief and sorrow for them 3. A resolution to leave them And 4. The Lord carryed me through a way to leave them which was thus I began to call to mind what was the greatest thing I loved in this World and in the World to come besides those that I named before which I set opposite to these two monsters Then I vowed before the Lord desiring his assistance That as I loved the Holy Ghost the comforter or ever looked to have comfort from the blessed communion of the body and blood of Christ Jesus to cleanse my sins so if I did remember or was in perfect sense I would never drink above two reasonable glasses or cups of Wine or four cups of Beer in any one place or at any one time without any Equivocation And that at any time when I came into the doors of my house if there were any controversie in my Family that then I would with gentle perswasions do my best indeavour to end it And this with Gods help I would perform And I prayed O Lord my God bless my hand and my heart to perform thy will that when any temptation to gaming or drunkenness or lust shall assault me either by thought or any other means that then presently I may fly unto thee in the name of Christ Jesus my Saviour And I do still fly unto God confessing and sorrowing for my sins desiring the Lord to help and assist me to perform and keep all these and in all thing to serve God as long as I live I cannot be so humbled for my sins as I desire yet have I had much trouble for sin and have shed tears many a time and I have been much troubled that my heart cannot be broken enough yet I have had many crosses but I know it is the hand of God and I desire to lye low before him When God first discovered my sins to me I was was much terrified But I have found much comfort in that glorious promise which God made when Adam had sinned that The seed of the Woman should break the Serpents head Gen. 3. And also that sweet Promise declared by the Lord Jesus Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest Matth. 11.28 And Peter declareth saying Repent and be converted that your sins may be blotted out when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord. I have pleaded these and several other promises with God and have by faith trusted in God who bids us cast our care on him and he will care for us 1 Pet. 5.7 And I do believe in God and cast my self upon him knowing all the Promises to be yea and Amen in Christ And I have these effects of Gods gracious spirit working Regeneration in my Soul 1. In that the Lord blessed be his holy name hath so setled my heart on himself that I could leave friends relations and all things for God 2. I find in my heart a real affection and love strongly carryed out to all the children of God and I love to do good to the people of God 3. I take much delight to hear the word of God preached and to partake of duties with the people of God to have communion with God in private duties 4. I am troubled when my heart is cold in duty but much comforted when my heart is inlarged towards God 5. I believe that God will save me through Christ for ever T. G. XXXIII Experiences of M. H. IN my youthful age it pleased God to give me an heart to take delight to hear the Word preached at many places but especially at St. Antholins at the morning Lectures and this I did often for some time untill Satan stirred up many Instruments to call me Puritan with many other reproachful tearms that made me ashamed to go in publick but like Nicodemus by stealth as it were in the dark But it pleased the Lord to convince me of Satans wiles that he was a deceiver from the first and that in hearing the word Preached those that would be Souldiers in Christs School must not be daunted for every foyl and If I did look for Salvation by Jesus Christ I must manfully fight under the Banner of Christ and hold out to the end if I would be saved From the consideration hereof God was pleased to put courage into my heart to hold on in the ways of God and in professing the Gospel which I did though with abundance of weakness and difficulties and thus I did continually go on though darkly until it pleased God to break forth in his most glorious light for by special providence I was brought to see an utter ruine to my Soul without a Christ and tho' I had heard much of Christ by the outward ear yet had I no experimental knowledge of him till the word of Christ shewed me that my condition was such as Paul speaks of to the Ephesians that I was dead in trespasses and sins and except I was quickned by the Spirit and by Faith did bath my Soul in the blood of Christ I was an undone creature notwithstanding all my long hearing the word preached Having then weighed many circumstances and
few that saw me in those headlong distempers did think me at the best fit for any place but Bedlam or did believe I should ever be restored to what I am and this was also very strangely For as my distracted Fits abated they then turned more to inward Malady and Malancholy so that I continually cryed out I am Damn'd I am Damn'd I am sure I cannot be saved it is impossible Oh I have Hell Hell Fire about me the Devils are tearing me and I thought I heard the Damned roaring and raving and saw 〈◊〉 was it were Roasting and Frying in â—lasting Torments and my whole Soul was swallowed up with their Howlings and Screechings In this Deplorable condition I lay several days and nights untill at length I was fully perswaded and convinced that there was a God that this God was Righteous and that he would hear my Prayers if I continued calling upon him and crying to him with Importunity without ceasing seeing the unjust Judge that we read of in Scripture was prevailed upon by the Importunities of the poor Widdow Hereupon having gathered together those scattered Relicks of Reason that were left me I took up a Resolution that I would continue in Prayer and so I did though by fits I was froward and mute and mild and I know not how sometimes scarce eating a bit of Bread in five days together after which I was in another form and frame of spirit though by turns full of Distraction and Desperate thoughts I grew more Serious and began to weigh things as in a Ballance and to Expostulate with the Lord and to Pray by fits most furiously and now and then the Tears which were before dryed up began to Trickle and Rowl down my Face like swollen drops of Blood Thus I continued three or four days till one Afternoon coming into the Chamber my Heart being as big and full as it could hold I threw my self flat on my face as usually striking on the Boards and crying to the Lord for Deliverance and using such extravagant Expressions as might discover that I was in Despair then standing up I walked a turn or two saying is there not a God Is he Gracious Are the Scriptures false Canst thou take delight to see a poor Soul thus set on the Rack Sighing and Roaring in Torment Rise up and appear for thy self thou Great God shew thy self Gracious in one Act of Mercy in despight of all the Devils in Hell Then beating my Breast and tearing my Hair I threw my self on the Bed whilst my Eyes were glazed and brim full with Tears There I lay till a suddain sleep seized upon me and I dreamed of the same Scripture that had been a killing Letter to me which now through the Spirit of Christ quickned me whereby I was made sensible that Christs Righteousness being by Faith made mine did exceed the Righteousness of the Scribes and Pharisees and that except I in and by the Righteousness of Christ made mine did excell their Righteousness I could not be Saved When I awaked I was so much changed that I was amazed at my self at the suddenness of it for I dreamt I was comforted and that my Heart was filled with Joy and when I awaked it was so indeed I started up and rebuked my self saying why am not I damned VVhat 's the matter VVhy am I so filled with a fancy and with a suddain hope of I know not what nor whence I then fell to pray and whilst I was praying I said Lord is this true Say Lord is it true If it be so discover it to me confirm me in it at length I was perswaded that the Righteousness of Christ was mine that this Garment was provided for such poor naked torn Creatures as I was whereupon I took the Bible and found several Scriptures which seemed to confirm the same to me and I was fflled with Divine infusions and immediate Resolutions agreeable to the will of God given out there and then I began to breath upon it and pause a little and by degrees to revive and look up with some hope till the Lord satisfied me by revealing to my Heart that Christ's Righteousness was my only Justification and that therein I did exceed all Pharisaical Righteousâ—ess whereby I had comfortable hopes of Salvation in and through Jesus Christ from that very same Scripture which did before condemn me After this I began plainly to perceive why my my self and so many others were so long and lamentably lost in Despair that it was because we sought for Justification in a wrong place and were therefore in the wrong way to Salvation just as if a Man should dig in his Garden for a Mine of Gold no wonder that we lose our labour at last after Sweating Tears Prayers Cares Pains Fears and all seeing we look in a wrong place Thus was it with me all the while I was looking and poaring and perplexing my self for a Righteousness of my own and to seek in my self to exceed the Scribes and Pharisees Alas I was lost undone and could not find it nor see any door of Hope set open for my Soul till Christ in his Righteousness was Revealed in me and then I knew him to be a Saviour Well with this Joy I have continued to this Hour holding and keeping my ground against all Temptations with great numbers of which I have been Assaulted ever since and such as have been scarce heard of For after I had Solemnized and Celebrated my New Life begun in anothers Righteousness and another self by composing and singing of Psalms Hymns Spiritual Songs and continual open-hearted returns of Praises to my self whilst the Angels seemed to rejoyce with me yet Satan my constant and unwearied Enemy began now to muster up afresh more troubles against me and to follow me with an Host of Afflictions and Tryals as Pharaoh followed Israel with a purpose to destroy them when once out of his Territories but my God whom I unfeignedly serve from my Soul did deliver me does deliver me and I trust will deliver me as the Apostle says 1 Cor. 1. For though Satan laid many Snares and so beset me about that it seemed scarce possible I should escape yet the Lord set me at liberty from the Snares of the Fowler though sometimes so subtilly planted that I could not discern them and what he could not do by Insinuations and Subtilties and with inward Motions and Temptations he tryed to compass by Violence in Tormenting me and making me a miserable Object of Affliction and Sorrow For now my Friends became mine Enemies and my preciseness was an eyesore to many My near Relations cast me off and I was lookt upon as disobedient for keeping company with such Godly Men as were then called Puritans and Roundheads and for Praying and holding Communion with them though commanded to the contrary at length I found so little love from some and so much malice from others that I was turn'd out of Doors and was
then though I there is a God but viewing a little further I found this God offended and Man in a lost condition but presently a remedy promised going on I found the Paschal Lamb the brazen Serpent the bunch of Grapes the scape Goat and divers other things to be types of that promised Seed I likewise took a view of the afflictions of Joseph David and Job that did much ease my grief Coming to that place where my God spake by his Prophet Come let us reason together though your sins were as scarlet I will make them as white as snow though they were like crimson they shall be like wool And though you had lain among the pots yet shall ye be like doves wings covered over with silver Then I thought will the Lord reason with sinners will he vouchsafe a Parley O that I were able to answer him one of a thousand O that these promises belonged unto me O that this God were reconciled unto me How happy should I be how happy is that man whose Transgressions are forgiven and whose sins are covered O how blessed is that man unto whom the Lord imputeth no sin I found the same Prophet Isaiah prophesie of my Saviours birth in his 9th Chapter and in his 53 he lively sets forth his Passion and in the 55 the Lord inviting me with a Proclamation Ho every one that thirsteth come then I answered Lord I would fain come but how shall I come I have nothing to bring to pacifie thine anger O that I could see thee smile upon me as once I saw thee frown how happy should I be then I called to mind that I had heard and read that Jesus Christ shed his blood for sinners and that whosoever believeth in him should be saved and I was something incouraged to petition in his Name on this manner Heal me O Lord and I shall be healed turn me and I shall be turned convert me and I shall be converted O save me my God and I shall be saved take away this stony heart of mine and give me an heart of flesh renew a right Spirit within me restore me to those joys that I was wont to find in thee for thy loving kindness is better than thousands of Rivers of Oyl O cast me not away whom thou hast had so much patience withal O cast me not away whom thou hast bought with so dear a price O forsake me not in this my great necessity O look upon that ever-streaming fountain of thy Sons blood which is poured forth for all them that believe Lord I believe help thou my unbelief O pardon pardon I beseech thee forgive me all my sins my Sermon-sins my Sabbath-sins my every-days sins my other peoples sins my sins of omission my sins of commission my sins of ignorance my sins of knowledge my sins of presumption my sins of willfulness O Lord forgive me my known and secret sins O pardon the sins that I have committed this day O speak the word only and thy Servant shall be healed Amen Thus when the Lord had opened my mouth to speak unto him I gathered a great deal of strength and had much hope that he would be intreated but not setting so great an esteem on my Saviour Jesus Christ as I ought I thought I must bring somthing with me to pacifie my God I thought I must make my self all fair and beautiful before my God would love me but how to do this I knew not for the space of eleven years I sought all opportunities to please him yet when I examined my ways works and actions I found they were so far from pleasing him that they were rather motives to stir him up to anger if he should be severe to mark what I did amiss many times I thought upon the sad condition that I had been in and how the Lord had restored me then my heart was elevated and over-joyed I found a great deal of love in my self towards God but was not sure of Gods love to me which I esteemed above all the World the honour of God was so dear unto me that I could sometimes say unto him Lord if there be no way to bring honour to thy Name but by my confusion then let me be confounded but sure Lord thou maist gain more glory in saving me than in damning me the dead cannot bring honour to thy Name for who shall give thee thanks in the pit the living the living they shall praise thee as I hope to do hereafter Many times I prayed and had many petitions granted me presently and at other times I prayed and was denyed what I begged but had what I desired in a better way in all Dispensations I found my God with me either with his preventing assisting or supporting graces I received innumerable favours from him yet could I not be perswaded that they came from his love but that rather they were to augment my score I was still labouring and inquiring how I might come to be assured of Gods love which he was pleased at length to shew me in some measure on this manner In the sixt of John I hear my Saviour Jesus Christ telling me that I cannot come to him except God our Father draw me and if I come to him him he will in no wise cast me out but will raise me up at the last day I am perswaded that it was my God alone that did draw me to my Saviour Jesus Christ that will receive me and will raise me up at the last Day In John 17. I hear him praying to his Father for me whose request I am confident shall not be denyed Nay further by faith I see my Saviour Jesus Christ suffering for me nailed upon the Cross for me wounded buffeted stript and spit upon for me dead buryed rose again ascended into Heaven and sitteth on the right hand of his Father and my God making intercession for me which gives me assurance of my Gods everlasting and unchangeable love in and through my Saviour Jesus Christ towards me and that not for any thing that was in me but for his sake he said unto me when I was in my blood live and I know I do believe and am regenerated by the Holy Ghost 1. Because I find such an alteration in my self that whereas before I could not believe there was a God now I am sure there is a Great and an Almighty God and he is my loving Father 2. Before I durst not lift up mine eyes to Heaven now I can with boldness cry Abba dear Father 3. Before I did not regard the people of God now all my delight is with the Saints that are upon the Earth 4. I love to hear my God well spoken of it grieves me to hear or see him dishonoured 5 I long to see my Saviour and to kiss those wounds from which issued streams of blood which pacified Gods anger towards me 6. I rejoyce when I think of death knowing that it is swallowed up in victory
put it into my mind that Christ Jesus hath not given so much for Souls as he hath done to let the Devil have them for nothing And in the strength of the Lord I repulsed the Devil saying Satan when thou in tempting Christ shewedst him the whole World thou promisedst him that which was none of thine own nor am I thine and therefore avoid Satan for thou hast nothing to do with me and then the Devil departed from me Then my heart was much filled with the thoughts of the goodness of God and with a mixture of tears and joy I had sweet comforts from the Lord. And though I have had many doubts upon my spirit sometimes yet I have since found very great consolation through Faith in the promises of God as in these and divers others Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest I thank God I have found much rest and refreshment by coming to Christ and that his grace is sufficient for me Matth. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled I have often laid hold on this promise with a thirsting desire after Jesus Christ and he hath filled me with comfort And the comfort wherewith Christ did comfort Peter bidding him not to fear for he had prayed for him hath been upon my spirit and given me great consolation in that I know Christ is heard in all that he prayeth to the Father And I find the Testimonies of my Conversion to God which give satisfaction to my Soul that I am a true Believer 1. Though I do all that I can to serve God as he hath commanded me yet I find great imperfection and utter unworthiness in my self to deserve any thing of God But my whole dependance and hope of Salvation is in Gods free grace in the blood and merits of my Saviour Jesus Chrsst 2. I do find that the Love of God in Christ constrains me to love God again above all things in the World and whatever I am about my Soul is delighted with God above all 3. I find that the Lord draws my heart to hate all evil communication and evil things and not so much to fear the punishment of the World for any thing as to sin against God 4. I am much delighted in the workings of Gods Spirit and it is a great joy and comfort to my Soul when my heart is inlarged towards God 5. My heart is much affected unto Ordinances and if Satan suggested worldly thoughts to hinder me from duties I have called upon God and found comfort and when I have come to duties with cold affections I have been much refreshed in the duties though sometimes I have felt pain and distemper in my body which I have thought Satan hath done to make me weary in duties yet I have called on the Lord and found comfort 6. I find great peace and much comfort in the Lord so that I could be willing to dye and it is a great joy to me in that I expect to dye that I may be delivered from the afflictions of the World to enter into eternal joy with Christ for ever E. O. XXIV Expeiences of A. G. I Have been many years since very sensible of my Natural Estate and did lye long under the sence of my sins which were so great a burden to me that they made me almost despair insomuch that I could scarce either eat or driâ—k but had my spirits dried up with the anguish thereof For I was brought up under the Means and from a Child frequented the hearing of the Word And the first cause of my great torment was for that I once told a Lye against my Conscience which so lay upon my spirit afterwards that I could receive no comfort I went to hear the Word and read the Scriptures yet all did but increase my horrour Several Ministers and godly People used great means to comfort me but all in vain for a time and when I read the Scriptures I found every threatning and judgment therein that I fixed my thoughts upon to speak terrour to my Soul and my distraction was so great that my Friends said I was mad and kept the Bible from me For so often as I read in it I pored most upon that dreadful place Matth. 12.31 All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men I did not know what the sin against the Holy Ghost was but I had a perswasion I had committed that sin and feared that my sins could not be pardoned and that I should never go to Heaven but was cast off to the damned Yet this the Lord wrought for me and in me by his blessed Spirit to draw forth my heart to be often praying in that poor doubting way my spirit could by the Lords assistance vouchsafed to me attain unto for though I thought it in vain and that God would not hear me yet I continued praying and often cryed to God not only in the day time but frequently in the night and rise out of my Bed to pray to God to have mercy upon me And I was sometimes a little comforted in that I was perswaded to hope in the Lord but yet it was dashed again through fear that I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost And I thought that all victuals and every thing was too good for me and that I was unwâ—rthy of all en oyments Thus I lay for some months in a sad Agony wrastling with temptations perplexed between hope and despair But at last in hearing Mr. W. Minister of B. and reading a Book called The New Birth I found comfort being better satisfied what the sin against the Holy Ghost was than before since which I bless God I have for some years past found much comfort from the Promises of God revealed in his holy Word some of which follow Matth. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled My chief desires are after Jesus Christ and to follow him by the Rule of the Gospel not doubting but that I shall be blessed in that grace which he communicates to me from his fulness Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest This promise being to Souls laden with dejections and universal to all that come to Christ hath much comforted my heart in that by his Spirit he hath drawn forth my Soul to come to him And as a testimony of my love to God and evidences of my faith I bless God I have these comfortable fruits of the Spirit of grace in my Soul 1. Though I do all that I can to serve God yet in all things I find infirmities in me so that all my trust is only in the merits of my Saviour Jesus Christ 2. Though I cannot be so holy as
everlasting life This very word whosoever did work so kindly and with such a sweet efficacy upon my heart that I was constrained to submit having not any objection against it for it comprehended all sorts of sinners although never so great yet whosoever believeth in this Son of God shall injoy such a sweet promise no less than eternal life In the 16. verse God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life And in Acts 10.43 That whosoever believeth in him shall receive remission of sins Then in Gal. 2.20 I live by the faith of the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me and Christ Jesus dyed for sinners of whom I am chief Seeing this application of Christ that Paul made in particular to himself who was a very great sinner it did much imbolden me in the like Rom. 5.8 9. God commendeth his love towards us in that while we were yet sinners Christ dyed for the ungodly and I was ungodly therefore I believed Christ dyed for me and when we were yet without strength in due time Christ dyed for sinners I am a sinner and therefore Christ dyed for me and he was reconciled unto us while we were enemies For the Lord to be thus reconciled to ungodly to sinners to enemies this was more love indeed than ever I expected Especially that the Lord would have been half so gracious to me This turned all my former sorrows into joy crying out what shall I render unto the Lord for all his benefits that he hath bestowed upon me For what was I or any of my Fathers house that the Lord should be so merciful unto me And I have these testimonis of my real conversion to God 1. The testimony of his spirit adopting me to be his child Gal. 3.4 5. God sent forth his Son to redeem those that are under the law that they may receive the adoption of Sons And because you are Sons God hath sent sorth the Spirit of his Son into your hearts crying Abba Father wherefore thou art no more a servant but a Son I was once under the law dead I am now by Christ redeemed And I bless God for this precious priviledge that I can call God my Father 2. Christ hath fulfilled the law therefore I shall not be condemned by the Law but justified by Jesus Christ without the deeds of the Law there was a time when I was dead in sin and in ungodliness being alienated from the Common-wealth of Israel and a stranger to the Covenant of grace having no hope and without God in the world But being made alive by Jesus Christ I see my sins done away and do believe that Christ hath born on his body all my sins he being bruised for our transgressions Isa 53. And the Lord laid on him the iniquity of us all by whose stripes we are healed So that I do believe that by one offering he hath perfected for ever all those that are sâ—nctified Heb. 10. And that Christ Jesus is become a full and perfect satisfaction for my sins and that the Lord is well pleased with and contented in this satisfaction Mat. 3. That is my well-beloved Son in whom I am well pleased 3. I am in and through Gods free grace what I am not for any thing in me or that I could do but as in Titus 4.5 We our selves were sometimes foolish disobedient serving divers lusts but when the kindness and love of God our Saviour appeared towards man not by works of righteousness which we have done but according to his mercy he saved us That being justified freely by his grace we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life And in another place 1 Tim. 1.9 Who hath saved us and called us with an holy calling not according to our works but according to his own purpose and grace in Christ Jesus before the world began Therefore I believe that God the Father loveth me in Jesus Christ 1 John 4.19 We love him because he loved us first John 14.14 Ye have not chosen me but I have chosen you that you should bring forth much fruit Isa 43.25 I even I am he that blotteth out all thy transgressions for my own sake and will not remember thy iniquities and he will have mercy even because he will have mercy The blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth us from all sins I plainly see it is the Lords doings and it is marvellous in my eyes As in Ephes 2. You who were dead in trespasses and sins hath he quickned together with him by Grace ye are saved and that not of your selves it is the gift of God I find as Christ Jesus was a free gift to me and for me so was this saving grace of faith a free gift also from the Lord to my Soul Rom. 3.24 Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that he might be just and the justifier of him that believeth in Jesus so that all boasting of the creature is excluded by the law of faith As by the disobedience of one many were made sinners so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous 4. I believe that as there was no sin found in Christ and yet a sinner by imputation so I being a sinner indeed shall be made righteous by Gods imputation For it pleased God to make him become sin for us who knew no sin that we might be made the righteousness of God in him 5. I have the seal of the spirit as Paul saith The spirit of God beareth witness with our spirits that we are the children of God and if children then Heirs of God and joynt heirs with Christ in this our freedom 6. I do believe that God the Father loved me and elected me for the Son to redeem and that Jesus Christ loves me as given of the Father for him to redeem and manifests it to me And the Holy Ghost loves me as elected of the Father and redeemed by the Son and doth evidence it in me which is the earnest of my inheritance and there is an expression in John 3. last He that believeth in the Son hath everlasting life 7. I do believe that I have everlasting life already in possession 1. By the Promise Fear not little flock for it is your Fathers good pleasure to give you a Kingdom 2. In the first fruits for what is heaven hereafter but a more full injoyment of what is begun here What we receive now is but a tast of what we shall receive As 1 John 4.2 Beloved now are we the Sons of God and it doth not yet appear what we shall be but we know that when we shall appear we shall be like him for we shall see him as he is 3. I do injoy it by my head Christ who hath taken full possession of it already for me
Mercy Triumphant IN THE Conversion of Sinners UNTO GOD. Being an Account of the Remarkable Experiences Of many Eminent Christians in several Declarations made by them upon Solemn Occasions Displaying the exceeding Riches of the Free Grace and Love of God in supporting them under violent Temptations and the Troubles of their despairing Consciences and at length filling their Souls with Divine Consolations Formerly published by divers faithful Ministers of the Gospel in and about London and now revived for the comforting of poor doubting Believers By W. D. Come and hear all ye that fear God and I will declare what he hath done for my Soul Psal 66 1 LONDON Printed for Nath. Crouch at the 〈◊〉 in the Poultrey near Cheapside 1696. TO THE READER I Am very sensible that Discourses of Conversion in this Age are much slighted and derided by some kind of men that make high pretences to Learning and Knowledge who tell us that this talk of Conversion is fitter for Pagans and Infidels to hear than Christians and Protestants But as some people speak against Learning that have none themselves so such Persons may be thought to inveigh against Conversion and the Spirit of God because they never experienced the effects of either of them in themselves For certainly I. It is not the taking on us the Profession of Christianity that can save our Souls or make us happy forever If to cease to be Jews or Pagans and to put on the Christian Profession were sufficient then the Christians of Sardis and Laodicea who had a name to live would never have been condemned by our blessed Lord and threatned to be spewed out Rev. 3.1 16. Are there not many thae name the name of Jesus Christ that yet depart not from Iniquity and profess they know God but in works deny him and will God receive these for True Converts because they are turned to the Christian Religion II. It is not being Baptized into the Christian Faith nor being Washed in the Laver of Regeneration that can denominate a Man a real and sincere Christian Many take the Press Money and wear the Livery of Christ that yet never stand to their Colours nor follow their Leader Ananias and Saphira and Simon Magus were baptized as well as the rest How fondly then do many men mistake deceiving and being deceived dreaming that the effectual Grace of God is necessarily joyned to the outward administration of Baptism and that being Converted and Regenerated already when Baptized they need no more But if this were so then all that were baptized in their Infancy must necessarily be saved because the promise of Pardon and Salvation is made to Conversion and Regeneration and we need look no further to see our Names written in Heaven but to search the Register and see whether we were baptized and the Certificate of our Baptism will be the fairest evidence for Heaven and we need only to cry God mercy and be absolved by the Minister at our Death and we shall inherit the Kingdom of God But let me tell you from the living God that whatever benefits you receive by baptism yet if when you come to years you be unholy unclean malicious covetous a scoffer or the like you cannot be saved except you be renewed again by repentance and a through and powerful change of your heart and life III. It is not Moral Righteousness that will evidence us to be Christians we must exceed the Scribes and Pharisees And though the blessed Apostle Paul before his Conversion says that he was touching the Righteousness of the Law blameless Phil. 3. So that none could charge him with the least immorality and though the self justifying Pharisee could say I am no Extortioner Adulterer Unjust c. Luke 18.11 yet this was not sufficient Thou must have something more than all this to shew or else God will not justifie thee I condemn not Morality but we are not to rest there Piety includes Morality as Christianity doth Humanity and Grace includes Reason but we must not divide the two Tables IV. External Conformity to the Rules of Piety is not enough to make us true Christians Many have a Form of Godliness without the Power they may pray long fast often hear gladly and be very forward in the service of God though costly and expensive and yet be strangers to Christianity and the divine Life It will not be enough for them to plead at the great Day of Account that the◠kept their Church said their Prayers received the Sacrament constantly gave Alms or the like For there is no outward service but an Hypocrite may perform it even to the giving all his goods to the poor and his body to be burned 1 Cor. 13.3 V. A Seeming Conformity to the will of God occasioned either by the restraint of humane Laws Education Afflictions or the like can never give us assurance of eternal happiness 'T is too common and easy to mistake Education for the Grace of God but if this were true who was a better man than Jehoash who while his Vncle lived was very forward in Gods service and calls upon him to repair the house of the Lord 2 Kings 12.2 7. yet there was nothing but good Education all this while for when his good Tutor was taken out of the way he appears to have been only chained up and presently falls to Idolatry so in case of humane Laws and Afflictions though men may seem very conformable while they are restrained by them yet that being removed many throw of all and commit iniquity with groediness Having briefly declared what true Christianity is not I shall in short discover what it is Conversion or true Religion consists in the thro' change both of the heart and life by the Spirit of God through the merits and Intercession of Jesus Christ Where this is in truth it goes throughout all the powers principles and practices of a man His mind is changed and the scales of his natural ignorance fall off so that God and his glory weigh down all carnal and worldly Interests and he is turned from darkness to light He that thought formerly there was little hurt in sin now comes to see it to be the chief of evils Heretofore he saw no form nor comeliness in his holy Redeemer that he should desire him but now he finds him to be the hid Treasure and the Pearl of price for which he is willing to part with all to purchase it Now God is all to him and he values his favour and the light of his countenance above all the good that he formerly inquired after and set his heart upon Let the world now present her self in all the glory of her Kingdoms yet his Soul will prefer a naked a crucified a persecuted Christ before her and he will cry out The Lord is my portion saith my soul Whom have I in Heaven but thee and there is none upon Earth that I desire besides thee God is the strength of
Souls I shall add no more but proceed to give an account of the wonderful dealings of the Almighty with my unworthy self TO give a formal Account of my Life would be tedious though I may safely say in every year sinee I can remember I have been inricht with so many and such remarkable Experiences as may make some rather admire than believe them And first when I was a School-Boy at Malden in Essex I began to be rouzed by two Men Mr. Will. Fenner and Mr. Stephen Marshall about the tenth year of my Age for before that I was I know not what though I was kept to read every day was Catechised with other good Orders But then hearing Mr. Fenner full of Zeal and seeing him thundering about and beating the Pulpit I was amazed and thought he was mad wondring what he meant Now whilst I was gazing upon him I was suddenly struck and perceived it was we that were mad which made him seem to be so Oh! says he You knotty rugged proud pieces of flesh you stony rocky flinty hard hearts what will you do when you are roaring in Hell among the damned c This made me at first astonisht and run so often in my mind afterward that I began to be troubled scared and affrighted and for fear of going to Hell I fell to praying hearing Sermons reading the Scriptures morning and evening though I understood little but only thought the bare reading sufficient I learnt to pray first out of Books and got all the Graces so called by heart and after Family-Prayers I was every night afraid the Devil would carry me away to Hell if I did not say my prayers Our Father c. and I believe in God c. with the Ten Commandments and my little Catechism of Dr. Hall's which I had learnt And this I did duly every night before I durst sleep which I thought a sufficient defence to preserve me from the Devil 's tearing me in pieces before morning Yet sometimes when I was sleepy to make more haste I would say some of them in the Chimney-corner whilst I was undressing me thinking all was well enough so it were but done Yea when I was extreamly surprized with fear of the Devil being apt to fancy any thing to be him I often said all my Prayers and Commandments twice over suspecting I had not said them well enough or had for haste left out some of them and the like and thus as the Apostle says When I was a Child I did childish things and thought all this was very well and oft-times I would get one of my Play-fellows to walk alone with me and would tell him of Sin and Hell and such matters for they ran always in my mind and I was in a desperate fear At length going to hear Mr. Marshall whilst I was nodding and almost asleep his powerful voice awakened me thundring in my Ears the dreadful danger of such as were drowsie and slept and slumbred away their Salvation which I thought was spoken directly to me and had such prevalency upon me that I started up with an aking heart being much terrified at his words which he still pursued and wounded me to the heart when he told us That when time was past it could never be recalled again and that there was no other way but to double our diligence and redeem the time we had lost by making more haste and taking more care and pains or else we should be utâ—erly lost and undone This touched me sufficiently so that I could not forbear weeping extreamly After Sermon I went home and sitting alone I fell to crying and complaining that I had lost my time taking up a resolution never to sleep at Church again and I think I have kept that solemn Covenant to this very day After this I was not content with my former customary duties for now I must double them and do more than before wherefore I resolved to write down the Sermons I heard as well as I could but having little skill to write fast or orderly I ever observed the Doctrines Reasons and Heads of the Uses which I got by heart repeating the morning Sermon at noon and the evening Sermon at night so that I could the readilier answer my Father when he examined me and then I learnt out of a Book a prayer for morning and another for evening This course I continued for nine or ten years together so that at length I attained to repeat to my self the substance of some Sermons which I had heard seven or eight years before and the Lord led me on in this orderly way I know not how without the advice or direction of any person upon Earth whereby I hoped to work out my Salvation and redeem my time But this I must say from this Form I learnt much of God and Goodness and what I did at first for fear of Hell at last I performed out of love to Heaven yea out of love to God and Christ as if it were without â—eaven I used this method some years after I came to the University of Cambridg whereby I was enabled to Recollect several Mens Sermons 10 years after they were Preached and likewise with Gods assistance to Preach my self at 18. or 19. years of age to the great wonder of many Thus you hear how formal I was and I must needs confess it was more out of fear than love that I maintain'd this strictness in the duties of Religion But not long after I was further awakened by my own Father Mr. N. R. Minister in Essex who preaching upon the Good Samaritan and shewing Christs Compassion to wounded Souls he in reproof of Sinners declared That they were more guilty than the hardhearted Jews that they Crucifie Christ afresh and have no Compassion on him now he is in Glory but Spit on him and make him Suffer and that his blood would rise up in Judgment against them for if Abels a meer mans did so much more his and if David prayed to be delivered from blood guiltiness how ought we to beg of God to be freed from being guilty of the precious blood of the Son of God and Saviour of the World This he Preached and pressed so powerfully that I was thrown into a trembling as lying under the guilt of Christs blood and was long perplext with the horror thereof One Remarkable Passage I must never forget which happened in my Youth that being one time playing and running about my Father's house with my other Companions I know not upon what occaon I uttered vain words crying O Lord which we were not suffered to do whereupon my heart was instantly smitten and I was suddenly set a running by I know not what Power or Spirit as if I had been possest and could not possibly stay my self till I was carried with much violence to a little gate way where to my apprehension I perceived as plainly as ere I saw any thing by the Sun-shine a naked Sword
forc't to seek my Fortune as they say and to fly with my own Feathers having not above three Shillings in my Pocket to Travel up and down with in strange Countries in the midst of VVinter so that I was often up to the knees in Snow whilst the very Isicles hung on my Hair and Cheeks which a shower of Tears would sometimes thaw falling abundantly from me in the open Fields and High-ways where none but God was witness of them I many times used to beg at poor Houses and Cottages that I might come in to warm and dry me or for a draught of small Beer which would make some poor Souls fall a weeping to see me After many dangers and troubles I footed it as far as Cambridge where I sought from one Colledge to another to be but a Sizer or poor Scholler my little stock of Money being all gone but the Servitors of Kings-Colledge of which I was one before being dismissed I could get no place and I had no Money and wanted Bread insomuch that I was forced for Life to try all things and to eat Leather old quil and pens which I pickt up out of the dust and dunghils and roasted in a few Coals which were left in the Chamber where I was yea at length I tryed to eat Grass and did it and my Drink was only fair water nay I grew to that height of Penury and Famine that I tryed to eat my own Fingers biting them till I could endure it no longer then tearing my Hair and crying I had recourse to Prayer whereby my Passion would sometimes be allayed for the present This continued so long that I met with Temptations in this VVilderness to try to turn Stones into Bread the Devil often Tempted me to study Necromancy Magick Conjuration or the Black Art as it is called and to make a League with him and then I should never want but have Bags of Gold and Silver and be owned by my Friends and Honoured of all Men and return home with great Respect and Riches yet the Lord would not suffer me to hearken to him but to Resist and tell him Thou art a Lyar from the beginning away thou Malicious Accuser of the Brethren Tempt me not for thou didst do thus to my Blessed Lord and Master Jesus Christ but he overcame thee and so I trust shall I by his Strength and Power Then I Prayed and Read the Scriptures and VVrit Holy Meditations and Soul Soliloquies on the 88 Psalm with several other Divine Contemplations upon Dives and Lazarus c. all in Verse very Pathetical and Tragical suitable to my condition under several Temptations so that in stead of Astrological and Magical Studies I bent my mind to Sacred Meditations Soul comforting Angelical and Evangelical Contemplations yet I continued under strong Temptations but to the praise of God I speak it I think I was never a more growing Christian then after Satan had these Repulses But I must not omit to declare that I had one dreadful Temptation first which was almost irrecoverable had I not been prevented wonderfully even as I was upon the Execution thereof For finding my self almost starved to Death my strength near gone my Eyes sunk deep in my Head and my Face wearing Deaths Colours I was almost at my wits end I confess when I felt a violent Passion or Fit coming upon me I would fall to Prayer Reading or the like whereby sometimes they were past by and I had much comfort but yet I could not always avoid them for now a terrible Temptation got ground of me coming on audaciously growing so strong upon me and following me so close that I could not escape it I took up the Skin of my wasted Hand and Arms with a resolution to tear it off for anger Satan having so besotted me that I could see no way to evade Death I had been beholden to all the Scholars that I found courteous to bring me Scraps Skins of salt Fish or any other Victuals in their Handkechers or Pockets which kept me alive a while till at last they all grew weary and I was almost pined to Death and ashamed to beg publickly and utterly blinded as to any way whereby to recover my self out of this condition wherefore after violent and never ceasing Temptations I drew my Knife whetted it sharp opened my Doublet and Shirt and in the midst of the Room where I was alone I kneeled down to Prayer to surrender up my Soul into the Hands of God my Knife lay by me ready and I was prepared for the Act when behold a Door which I thought bolted the Night before yet was only shut too was now opened by a Scholar which with the Screeking of it made me start up and hastily throw my Knife in the Chimney being much ashamed of what I was going to do in comes the Scholar and tells me of a place in Huntington-Shiâ—e to Teach Gentlemens Children and how one of our Colledge was sent to and refused it By this means I was recovered out of this imminent Danger and after the Scholar was gone did exceedingly reprove and check my self for suffering this Temptation to grow so upon me for want of Faith and was much afflicted at it and the more because this Mercy came in so seasonably upon it Oh that I could not wait upon God at night after Prayer I went as usually supperless to Bed and then my Heart melted into abundance of Tears first for the sin that I was about to commit and that I could not Believe and Resist the Devil as I had done in God's strength before and then for the Love of God and his Fatherly care appearing for me at that instant when I took no care at all but had Devoted my self to Death that at this very Moment he should not only deliver me but send me News full of Hopes Oh! how did these things break my Heart and work upon me most part of the night untill with an Heart full and Head full and Eyes full and all I fell into a deep sleep and was visited with an extraordinary Token from on High both in Dream and Vision which I imagine was afterward accomplished The Dream was this that I was walking home to my Fathers House with a Staff in my Hand and fearing I should be out of the way I lookt carefully for the path which at first I could scarce discern and began to look about and question it till at length I perceived the footsteps of some who had gone that way hereupon I proceeded and the farther I went the plainer I found it to be a path and that I was in the right way since I could see no other at which I rejoyced and went on confidently as if I feared no Evil nor Enemy till I came to a Fine Glorious Beautiful House and Building on the left hand of me out of which issued forth a Beâ—m that reached cross the way I was to go in so that I
Headstrong and refusing to hearken to my Fathers Advice which he often gave me but I regarded it not which was afterward a veay great grief to me for I could not endure to be curbed nor kept in but at length to avoid the continual Reproofs which 〈◊〉 justly gave me for my ill courses and company I resolved not to stay at home any longer but to go into Flanders accordingly I put out to Sea but by Storms and contrary Winds was driven back again yet I could not see the Hand of God in this but still held on my purpose and took the first opportunity to get away out of Ireland into England where my Friends used many Arguments to perswade me to return home again Whilst I continued in England I began to be convinced by hearing several good Men of the heinousness of my sins and wicked disobedience and was thereupon sadly afflicted and disconsolate so that I could have no quiet nor rest In this time my Father hearing where I was not knowing before what was become of me doubting I might be dead or drowned writ a Letter to me wherein I was admonished to beware of such as run headlong to Perdition with many other good advices he seeming like old Jacob to rejoyce that his Son was yet alive c. All these things struck me heavily to the Heart so that I lay long under the fearful Sentence of my Iniquities and Disobedience and could receive no comfort nor satisfaction I concealed this my inward Grief and Torment till my Heart was ready to burst but at length acquainted my Friends therewith who endeavoured to comfort me and I had some quiet for a short space but this lasted not so that I soon fell again into my old malady and trouble as before being so exceedingly disturbed that I could by no means obtain any peace till that Scripture came into my mind Isa 50.10 He that sitteth in Darkness and seeth no light should trust in the Name bf the Lord and stay himself upon his God this did much support and incourage me to depend upon God whereby I had abundance of consolation Yet I was seldom free from many Temptations Fears and Doubts and such sometimes as did much disquiet me untill once that I had a Divine Dream which hath been very sweet to my Soul ever since for in my Dream I thought I was told that God's love was free in Jesus Christ and bestowed upon poor sinners through his Merits and that he put none by neither turned any away that came to him in and through his Dear Son and that I need not fear but I was one of them that should be accepted and received to Mercy This brought much Joy to my Heart and the sense of it remains to this very day Afterward I went to New-England and had much comfort from them and from their Ministers and since my return I have had great peace of Mind and desire to live in Union with Christ and Communion with his Servants as long as I am upon Earth and I have grounded hopes of living with him when I dye and with all his Saints to enjoy his Blissfull presence to Eternal Ages R. W. III. Experiences of Maj. A.M. I was well Educated by my Parents who were accounted Puritans till about sixteen years of Age after which I was put an Apprentice to London but ill company drew me away and I took ill courses till I was about 24 years Old then I came into Ireland in the beginning of the Rebellion 1641. and Travelling toward the North passed through great Dangers and many Deaths as I may say for there my Father was killed my Wife wounded and I my self with much difficulty escaped from the bloody Rebels after this I was in the Fight at Drogheda oa Tredah when it was taken and being laid in the Field of Battel among the Slain I was given over for one of the Dead but it pleased God that I recovered and then went into England I had not been there long but I began to look about me and to have some convictions of mind and thereupon I was diligent to follow the means and hear the VVord of God Preached by good Men being sensible of my sins and former forgetfulness of God or any thing that was good I heard one Mr. Owen with whom I was much affected and convinced of my misery in the want of Christ and afterwards received great comfort and assured hopes of Salvation from Mr. R. and now I do verily believe I have Fellowship with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ and find a wonderful change in my Soul abhorring all ill company and courses and desiring to walk in all well pleasing toward God and tho' I meet with many Temptations yet I bless the Lord he carries me on in his good ways so that I can now pray to him by the assistance of his Spirit and have an earnest love to his Word and Ordinances Blessed be God for his free grace in Christ Jesus who before I had any knowledge of hlm spoke to my Heart by the means of an honest Man about thirteen years ago After which I followed all the means I could meet with and was wont to hear Mr. Cradock and Mr. Symson in London the first of whom in a Sermon upon Isaiah Wee is me I am an unclean Creature c. spoke so home to my condition that I imagined his Discourse was directed to me particularly This so wrought upon my Conscience that I was extreamly afflicted for a time and gave my self much to Prayer and at length I became in love with Truth and true Christians and have found and do yet find those things true in me which were spoken by Mr. N. of that oneness of Love and unity of the Spirit which ought to be among all Gods People I have seen my sad condition by Nature and am sensible of the happy change that the grace of God hath made in me and now Oh! how do I love the ways of God and Holiness and Duties and means of Grace and the things of God which before I slighted disregarded and loathed and lastly I now desire and long after Jesus Christ and care not how soon I be taken out of this sinful World that I may live with him in Eternal Glory A. M. IV. Experiences of F. B. MY Experiences of the Mercy and Love of God are more than I can express the first main work upon my Spirit was on a sudden upon an Alarm given to our Troop while I was a Souldier which had such a convincing effect upon me that I lay long under the Apprehension of Gods Wrath and was much disquieted so that though I Prayed and Prayed yet I could take no comfort and had no confidence in the Mercy of God but Confusion was before my Face Afterward I came to Dublin where I was impeached for breaking an Article of War and was condemned to lose my Life for the same whilst I was
in Prison I had dreadful apprehensions of Hell in my Soul and could do nothing but weep and mourn and pray counting my Life to be lost and yet I was more troubled for the wrath of God then the wrath of Man But at length it pleased God to give me comfort for one Night whilst I was bemoaning my self and in much Despair on a sudden the room was all in a flame and I thought my self in the midst of Lightning and being terrified I imagined I saw these words written against the Wall Thy sins are Pardoned and thy Life is hid with Christ in God This extraordinary Manifestation much eased the Trouble and Sorrow wherein I was but yet for want of Faith this comfort did not long continue with me for after that I thought I saw the Lord with such a wrathful countenance that I durst not look upon him and the next news that I heard was that I was ordered to be shot to Death Oh! then I cannot express the terrors that I was in my woful misery was such that neither Prayers reading of the Scriptures nor the pretious promises therein could afford me any Relief for I could not believe that I had any right to them and therefore could not lay hold of them In this dreadfull Distress I lay a condemned Man both in Soul and Body lamenting my wretched condition when opening the Bible in Joel 2.13 I saw it thus written Turn ye to the Lord God for he is Gracious and Merciful slow to Anger and of great Tenderness and Repenteth him of the Evil. Hereupon I pondered a while and said and is he such a God Well then he is my God and with that I gave my self up into his Hands resolving to relie upon him let him do what he would with me and on this Foundation I was Setled and satisfied A while after it pleased the Lord to deliver me out of the danger of Death and to set me at liberty from Prison but notwithstanding this great Mercy yet I must confess that I afterward found such opposition in my Heart against God as I could not believe had been in me I was grievously wounded for it and could have no quiet but went to Mr. W. and acquainted him with it who told me that I had fallen from my first Works and that I must Repent This rent my Heart and I had no Rest I returned from him and applyed to Prayer keeping that course continually till by degrees I was recovered out of that disconsolate condition and I praise God I have since found his favour and kindness extended toward me so that I am fully perswaded he loves me and will pardon my sins in Jesus Christ on whose Merits I relie in whose Righteousness I rest and by whose Grace I am now set free to serve him here and doubt not but to Reign with him hereafter F. B. V. Experiences of H. M. MY Father was a Gentleman of a fair Estate had many Children eleven Sons of us he was High Sheriff and when he dyed all our Family were broken dispersed and in confusion Two of us were brought up within five Miles of Glocester but I was placed an Apprentice in London and by this means my sorrows and troubles began to be great at first from the consideration of this suddain change which continued a while but about the 17th year of my Age my former grief was turned into another kind of Trouble namely Sorrow for my sins I was for three years together wounded with the sense of my sins and corruptions which were many I followed Sermons persuing the means was constant in Duties and Doing looking for Heaven that way I was very precise in outward formalities censuring all for Reprobates that wore their Hair long and not short above their Ears or that followed the common Modes and Fashions of those days Thus I continued Distracted in my Thoughts and wounded in my Conscience weeping often and bitterly and Praying earnestly but yet had no comfort till I heard that sweet Saint now in Heaven Dr. Sibbs by whose Means and Ministry I was brought to Peace and Joy in my Spirit his sweet Soul-melting Sermons won my Heart and Refreshed me much for by him I saw much of the goodness of God and had good Hope and Confidence in Christ Jesus and could overlook the World undervalue all Earthly things and was not afraid of Afflictions and though I was sometimes under the Spirit of Bondage again unto fear yet my Heart still held firm and my desires were all Heaven-ward I took delight to hear Funeral Sermons but Dr. Sibbs chiefly by whom I was effectually wrought upon and Satisfied with Comforts which I hope will never leave me till I come to Everlasting Rest H. M. VI. Experiences of Mr. T. H. Minister of the Gospel I was but young when I first came under Convictions of Soul and my Heart being warmed by a zealous Ministry which put me much upon Duty I used to read the Scriptures every Night and to Repeat Sermons often and so I spent the first Scene of my Youth till I was sent by my Friends to London where I lived a year or two during that time as often as I saw any Minister I could not but weep and always wisht that I might be one my self to be able to Preach too after this I was sent to one of the Universities in England but being wild with youthful company was removed to the Colledge of Dublin where I continued till the horrid Popish Rebellion broke out in 1641. At which time I left it and went to Liverpool in Lancashire where I Preached some years yet all this while I was but formal and as the young Man in the Gospel said he had kept all these things from his Youth so I was from from my youth Religious well given loving the means and following them hearing Sermons and seeking to serve God But alas I was yet all this while in Darkness and did not know it but afterwards I saw that I was blind and carnal For I began to be in great Doubts and Troubles and very much clouded in my Spirit and was exceedingly tyed and bound up for a time under the Sense of my formal Holiness and sins but the Lord was pleased to give me light Once as I was walking sadly alone upon the Mountains it pleased the Lord so to influence me by his Spirit which seemed to be immediately poured out upon me that my Soul was satisfied in Jesus Christ and my Heart was filled with Heavenly Joy and Peace and with most Ravishing contemplations which continued without a cloud for several weeks together and gave me assured Hopes of the Love of God and ever since I have lived in the Righteousness of the Lord Jesus Christ and though I have met with many storms and clouds yet they have all passed away and cannot hinder me from Salvation so long as Christ who is my Lord and Saviour is above them and I doubt not
known more This Dream had such an effect and influence upon me that I could not rest till I had declared it and now I find my Heart ever since taken off from Sin and the Lusts of the World and have experienced so great a change in being called home to God as I am not able to express it in words and am now desirous to please God and to walk in his ways having been long before wrought upon by the Word Preached and by Prayer and now have given my self up to God in whose Mercy alone through the Merits of Jesus Christ I expect Joy and Peace here and Eternal Happiness hereafter J. C. IX Experiences of Mr. J.B. Preacher of the Gospel AS to my Life and Experiences I must declare That when I was but a little one God began to work upon me for going to School I once happened to Swear an Oath as I was playing with my Companions which I had no sooner uttered but I was instantly struck with horror for it and the sence thereof was so terrible that I doubted I should be presently thrown into Hell for it In which Fear and great trouble I left my School Fellows playing the Sorrow and Misery I thought I was in would not permit me to stay any longer Away I went into the Church Porch not far off and sitting down alone for some time wept bitterly to my self But at length I know not how I began to have some hopes of Pardon and thereupon grew chearful and fearless till a while after I went to see some Malefactors Executed For after I came home the sight of their Deaths ran so much in my Mind and appeared so continually before my Eyes that my sias and the horrors of Hell came fresh upon me again so that I was exceedingly cast down and cryod out Oh! What shall I do How shall I be Saved Which I had often in my mouth and in the hearing of my Friends In this condition I could take no comfort from them till the Lord himself brought me out of it and inclined me to give up my self to Jesus Christ by the Life of Faith which I now live Notwithstanding which I was under several Temptations and oftentimes they came very thick upon me but even then I resolved that if I were thrown into Hell yet I would still lay hold upon my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ and would never let him go and upon his Merits and Satisfaction I have been Established through his Grace ever since So that I take Christ for my King Priest and Prophet and do believe him to be a Propitiation for my sins and my Portion and Inheritance both here and for ever J. B. Experiences of VV. VV. I have much reason to acknowledge a great work of God upon my Heart in delivering me wonderfully from several destroying sins which once I thought slight but were really so great that I can scarce express them I was very Extravagant and brought very low both in Body and Mind and extreamly sensible of Disobeying my Parents from what the Scripture says of Men in the latter times that they shall be Lovers of themselves Heady Disobedient to their Parents c. The Serious consideration hereof cast me down afflicted my Conference and so troubled me that I was altogether comfortless Thus I continued a long time till it pleased God that once in a Sermon I heard Jesus Câ—rist freely offered even to the worst of sinners and then I began to look up a little with hopes of comfort and applied these offers to my own Soul being sensible that I had real need of them and so at length I began to be satisfied with peace and rest and followed the hearing of the Word and rejoyced in it and loved the company of good People And yet for all this I was under much temptation and too much inclined to drinking till my Brother Strong reproved me saying Brother I hear strange things of you that you are given to drinking This so smote me together with the abuses I received from the prophane sort who cryed out after me O this is one of Fowler 's followers that I was wounded in my spirit a long time to think that I should bring such a scandal upon the Gospel For two months I was wofully tormented in my mind till the Lord recovered me and gave me resolution and power against this and all other sins which hath continued with me ever since and for which I acknowledge his great love and mercy to me and do live upon Christ the true Messiah whom I believe to have died for my sins and that he will save my Soul W. W. X. Experiences of M. K. WHen I take a view of my Life upon the Stage of this World I may very well compare it to a Trage-Comedy a Labyrinth from one sin to another from one affliction to another I was indeed the Daughter of very good and honest Parents who diligently brought up their Children in the fear of God My Mother who in her days was noted for a godly virtuous and religious Gentlewoman she I say from amongst twelve Children chose me to set her love and affection upon she told me it was because she saw something a more tractableness and and diligence to please her thâ—n in the rest which when I perceived as then not being seven years old I laid my self forth the more to give her content who took great delight to instruct me to hear me read and ask her questions She allotted me a portion of Scripture every day as likewise a part of Erasmus Rotterdamus upon the four Evangelists wherein we both took great delight About that time I had serious thoughts concerning God the Father Son and Holy Ghost who putting this part of Scripture into my mind He that is ashamed of me before men of him will I be ashamed before my Father which is in Heaven and whoso denieth me before men him will I deny before the Angels which are in Heaven I then began to examine my self on this manner What wouldst thou do if thou wert tempted amongst diversities of Opinions to be ashamed of this Profession wherein thy Parents nurtured thee What wouldst thou do if thou shouldst be tempted to deny Christ and be called to suffer for his sake as some of thy kindred were in Queen Maries time wouldst thou not deny thy Master wouldst thou not run away from thy colours I resolved that I would not And if the Lord would be pleased to try me he should see how valiantly I would fight under his Banner and what a faithful Souldier I would be to this I did implore his help continually whatsoever I was about still my heart was praying and I desired that God would be pleased to awake me in the night that I might rise out of my Bed to prayer which many times I did After this manner I spent my days until I was twelve years old at which time it pleased God to take my
7 I often hear this voice in mine ears Arise ye dead and come to judgment I rejoyce to hear this saying He that shall come will cbme and will not tarry 8. I desire sanctity of Life and help from my Father to discharge my duty in that Calling wherein God hath placed me 9. I long to hear him speak who saith in the Omega of the Revelation Behold I come quickly and my reward is with me even so come Lord Jesus come quickly Amen Amen M. K. XI Experiences of E. R. I was born and bred up of godly Parents yet Satan so far tempted me to commit that detestable sin of telling a Lye about eleven years of age against a Sister of mine who was shrewdly and severely corrected by my Parents for that fault tho' none of hers but mine and I had not grace at that time to lay it to heart but three months after I had 〈◊〉 fit of Sickness and a grievous touch in my Conscience for that sin committed against God and my Sister that I saw nothing but desperation and feared that the horrors of Hell-fire would seize on my Soul and Body for this sin and Satan told me that there was no Salvation for me for God knew me not neither would he own me but if I would either hang my self or cut my throat or take the bedstaff to thrust down my throat then I should never be tormented more but look how an Ox dyed so should I. Then I cryed out to my Parents and said that I was damned and that there was no Salvation for me but that I must go to Hell my Parents watched me and searched narrowly to see what instruments I had prepared Then the Devil tempted me to rend the pillow and pick out some of the feathers to swallow them down which I did and it had like to have cost me my life for I was very nigh death by this means My Parents sent for a Doctor to administer some things to me which he did and when I was a little rccovered they sent for Mr. Knewstubs Minister in Edmonds-bury and Mr. Rogers Minister of Dedham who took a great deal of pains with me and asked me whom I did believe in I told them that I did believe in God that he would damn me they asked me if God would damn me because I did believe in him I answered no but it was for that sin committed against God and my innocent sister they asked me whether I was not sorry for that act I told them yes I had cause enough to be sorry for I must be damned for that sin then they asked me if I was sorry with all my heart for my offences I told them I had great reason to be sorry for by this I had lost the love of God and my interest in Jesus Christ they replyed that Christ had left sweet comforts for penitent sinners and they were to administer it unto them But I replyed it was for such a sinner as I was for there could be no Salvation for me They told me Christ dyed for sinners and such sinners as I was for they said I was a penitent sinner but I replyed Christ never dyed for such a one as I was neither could his mercy save me Then they bid me have a care how I did presumptuously go about to judge my own soul and that I was not fit to judge my self in the condition I was under for it was a greater sin in so doing than to comit that sin of lying against God for God was a God of mercy but I had no mercy thus rashly to judge my own soul I replyed that they were as bad as I for they came to help to carry my soul into Hell headlong they told me no but they would ingage their souls for my soul that I should find comfort from them in Christ Jesus with that I cryed out O happy day would that be that I might find comfort before my departure they told me that Christ was a Christ of tenderness that I was a beloved Christian and Christ was preparing comfort for me and it was Christ that had opened my eyes to see my sin and he would also open my heart to loath sin and he would pardon my sin yet I told them no that he would never open my heart but with terror for I was born to be damned and must be damned and that Christ never dyed for such a sinner as I was this I spoke with great sighing and they asked me what made me think so I told them that I saw nothing but Death and Hell and confusion of body and soul they asked me why I sighed and wept so sore I told them because now I was going into Hell for the Devil with his chains was ready to throw me into the utter pit of darkness they said Wherefore I told them for offending the Lord my Creator did wish my self to be in Hell that I might be out of misery and might no longer feel the vengeance of God with that they went to prayers each of them an hour and when the last Minister prayed I cryed out O Lord my God my King and Saviour have mercy upon me a poor distressed sinner Then Master Rogers came to me and took me by the hand and said That he was glad to hear me call upon the Lord yet I said I should be damned for I was none of his and that the Lord was none of my God The next morning I had some comfort but that left me again and I was under the same condition of ebbings and flowrings for sixteen weeks together before I had any firm hopes of my Salvation and having taken no rest a long time I fell into a slumber and in my sleep I imagined there did appear unto me a little child in white with an apple in one hand and a white wand in the other and he carried me til I came into a place where I did see much terrour of fire and shreeking and a great deep ditch where was nothing to hold by yet I must go over that burning lake and he took the white wand and laid it over the ditch and bad me tread upon it and fear not but I refused then he came and took me by the hand and trundled his apple on the wand which bowled over very level and with that I said It is the Lord therefore I will venture and did venture over with this child in my hand and when I came to shore I cryed out with fear my Lord my God and my Saviour am I in Hell or am I redeemed out of Hell with that I awaked being in a great passion and fear and there being my friends about me they told me I was redeemed out of Hell I asked How could they tell had they been there for I told them that I had been newly there then I cryed out Oh! where is that sweet Babe that was with me they asked me what Babe and what was
the shape of it I declared unto them as before and they told me That it was Jesus Christ that had appeared in the shape of a Child and that he had overcome Death and Hell for me then I cryed out and said blessed be Jesus Christ for evermore and did intreat those people that were there with my Father that they would go to prayers for me that those comfortable revelations which I had seen and my Faith in Christ might never depart from me yet for three years after I had many ebbings and flowings and much fear possessed me so that Satan would tell me I was more afraid of Hell than of offending God but I boldly sat up in my bed and told Satan He was a Lyer and that I would rather be damned than deny Jesus Christ and so Christ did appear very comfortably to me and hath and doth deliver me out of many troubles very often and how to speak of them I know no end yet Satan like a cunning Sophister hath been tampering with me to despair of Christ but it pleased the Lord to bring many promises into my mind and the example also of Mary Magdalen and of the woman of Canaan believing that as Jesus Christ was gracious to them so he would also be to me and Christ hath often times revealed unto me that his grace was sufficient for me as he said unto Paul I can speak but little of Jesus Christ but yet I am fully perswaded in my Soul that I should think my self very happy even to give my life for the glory and honour of his name if the Lord would count me but worthy of such a favour and I would not for all the Kingdoms in the world and the pomp thereof be in such a condition again and now my soul doth desire to give up it self unto God and to walk in the strictest course that his Word doth prescribe E. R. XII Experiences of T. M. ABout the fourteenth year of my age I was put out to be an Aprentice but was placed with a Master in whom I saw little of God his ways were contrary to the ways of God which was a great trouble to my Spirit and the more because some rude people Drink Swear and be very deboyst with him Three or four years after there grew great disputes amongst some persons about Episcopacy Presbytery Independency and the like which made me question with my own thoughts which was the true way to worship God I applyed my self to Mr. T. the Minister and others yet was not satisfied but after great perplexity of spirit I meditated with my self and wondred what would be the end of my troubles for they had been many especially temptations to despair of salvation But afterwards being returned back from my Master to my Fathers house lying down once upon a bench I fell asleep and dreamed that I was in a green Meddow where I saw various forms of Creatures some furious others very pleasing yet all of them seemed monstruous and changed their shapes often And beholding my self alone in the middest of them I was grievously troubled and then there seemed to appear a great red Dragon before it came at me I thought a little Child was put in my arms which was so beautiful and comely that I admired it and was so taken with beholding it that it put the fear of the Dragon for the present out of mind But the Dragon afterwards drew near and sorely affrighted me but both my self and the child were taken away and carried up an hill and the Dragon pursued us and being often ready to fall in running up the hill I feared that the Dragon would catch me but my strength being come to me I got up to the top of the hill and the Dragon made up after me When I was got up to the top there appeared a brightness from Heaven which gushed forth like a stash of Lightning and split the Dragon in pieces at which I rejoyced exceedingly Then the Child was put into my Arms again and I asked it what was its name it iaid Emanuel I asked who was its Father it said I am I asked who was its Mother it said Eternity I asked from whence he came he said from my Father out of Heaven I asked to whom he came and what was his errand here he said to save that which was lost and return again I asked him if he would dwell with me while he stayed he said he could not be detained according to that frame and figure he was in but after death he would dwell with me in another frame the thought of death grieved me but the child bid me not to weep at it for in this World that which is beauty must be destroyed and that which is contemptible must be exalted I then saw my self very contemptible and poor and troubled and in these thoughts the child was taken away from me Then my Father coming into the room made a noise whereat I awaked much distracted and troubled in my thoughts and so perplexed that I knew not what to do and the more by seeking to understand what I had seen because I knew not how to be satisfied in some doubts that lay very sad and heavy upon my Soul But I have since found much comfort out of Gods word where Christ saith Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest And the Lord saith I have called thee by name And again he saith in another place I will bear in thee a poor and afflicted people and they shall serve me And in Esay he saith I will gather my Lambs with my Arms and gently lead those that are with young and then he hath promised That he will never lay more upon his people then he will enable them to bear And I have these effects of my faith 1. My heart is led out to love God who is eternal and invisible and incomprehensible I love him in all his dispensations towards me and in the meanest Creature though never so despised I desire to own God where ever I see him 2. I find my heart very full in duty yet I have been sometimes troubled by some cholerick distempers that have transported me in some disputes which I am very sorry for and resolve to leave 3. I love the Lord who hath heard my Prayer and now at last satisfied me in every scruple of my conscience 4. My desire is to walk according to the rules of the Gospel all the days of my life T. M. XIII Experiences of J. H. MAny years ago I had some yernings after the truths of Jesus Christ and being in the Country and hearing Mr. Young a Minister in Leicestershire preach twice a day the Word wrought so on my heart that I took great delight to hear him but being jeered by the people for a Puritan I did leave off hearing for a time And being in the Town near Mr. Young sometimes as I went abroad I
met him and Mr. Young would ask me whether I did know Jesus Christ or not and what I did think him to be I told him that I had read in the Scriptures and they held him out to be the Son of God and that he came to seek and to save that which was lost Then said Mr. Young unto me why do you draw back in not coming to hear the Word I told him it was because of the deridings of the people I but said Mr. Young you must persevere and hold on in a continuance opening some Scriptures as that of the Hebrews that being once enlightened and having tasted the good word and of the powers of the world to come if that Soul should fall away then there would be nothing but a fearful looking for the fiery indignation of God This did much trouble me so that I was very fearful to be damned Then Mr. Young did open that Scripture in 1 Thess 1.4 5. You say that you know Jesus Christ to be your Saviour therefore take heed for Jesus shall appear in flaming fire against all those that know him not nor obey not his Gospel This put me in great fear and horror worse than before Then I did intreat Mr. Young to tell me what the Gospel was and he bid me read in the first of Matth. and there it was this that The Gospel was the glad tidings to the shepherds that it was the good will of God to send Jesus Christ to save sinners whereof I did confess with the Apostle Paul that I was chief Mr. Young at parting gave me these Instructions That I should be very careful what company I did go into and that I should always remember my Creator in the days of my youth and this was very fresh in my memory and did strengthen me very much against the temptations of Satan and kept me from frequenting those Companions that I did formerly use and if at any time I met them and heard their idle words then this Scripture did often come into my mind Remember thy Creator in the days of thy youth and did very much chear my spirits and carry me along for many years untill it pleased God to bring me to London and coming to Black Fryers under the Ministry of Dr. Gouge I was very much edified for two years together but coming to live at VVestminster I did profit but little again untill it pleased God to send Mr. Marshal and hearing of him speaking out of Jeremiah 14. of the famine being in the outward man but there was the famine or the Word of God at Westminster it made me very attentive to his Doctrine he complaining what a barbarous place Westminster had been but now he did hope that the Word of God would take effect in the hearts of some of his Hearers and truly so it did on my heart for I was a constant hearer of him and then going to a friends family I heard them repeat the Notes that they had taken from Master Marshal and since I continued with that Company of Godly people and now it is the desire of my Soul to have fellowship with the Father and the Son that my Soul may thrive in grace and in the knowledge and great love of that God that so loved the World that he gave his Son to dye to save such as I am and that whosoever comes to him should not perish but have eternal life with whom I beseech the Lord I may walk in a more close way to the end of my life than ever I have yet done J. H. XIV Experiences of T. P. I Have had thoughts concerning my Spiritual condition and made search into my Soul touching my estate in relation to GOD and what testimony I can find of my interest in and conversion to God And I have found this to be the way of Gods working to bring me to himself through his great mercy in the Lord Jesus It hath pleased God ever since I was born to place me under the means of the Gospel the neglect whereof hath been a great trouble and grief unto my Soul this with many sins more lay heavy upon my Conscience especially some offence and wrong offered against the People of God insomuch that the terrors of Hell laid hold upon me and I began with Cain to cry out that my burthen was more than I was able to bear I was a damned creature I was out of the presence and favour of God and never like to see his face with comfort ready with Judas to destroy my self I continued in thiis condition many years But God of his exceeding mercy kept me from that great sin and at last I received some comfort in that the Lord proclaimeth himself to be the Lord God gracious merciful long-suffering in forgiving sins and that he desired not the death of a sinner but rather that he should live And again he saith If our sins were as Scarlet he will make them as white as Snow or VVooll Again I am the Lord and change not therefore ye Sons of Jacob are not consumed These with many other promises of Free Grace and Mercy yielded some comfort to my Soul yet for a long time I was troubled if I prayed I feared my prayers were an abomination unto the Lord at last knowing the Lord heard the Ninivites that were Heathens I thought he was as able to save my Soul And it hath been my care to wait upon God in the means knowing that Faith cometh by hearing the word and upon all occasions to search my own heart what part of the word belonged unto me and what did not I received some comfort from these promises I will not break the bruised reed nor quench the smoaking flax Come unto me all ye that and weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest and He that cometh unto me I will in no wise cast off These gracious promises cause me to desire to draw near to God in union and in communion with whom I hope for fellowship to all eternity T. P. XV. Experiences of M. W. VVHen I lived in Ireland and was in fulness of outward enjoyments I had my thoughts much taken up about the things of the World but little seriously touching the Salvation of my Soul but some years since being at Liverpoole in Lancashire I heard a Sermon preached by Mr. Tompson his Text was Redeem the time because the days are evil Many things he spake so home to my Soul that I was very much troubled I had spent so many days in evil That I had been covetous and proud and impatient in the former days of my life Yet if pleased the Lord I had an Husband that was an honest Man and one that feared God who had often given me good counsel and perswaded me to make some promises of amendment But I had Children and Servants and Cattel and lived plentifully in Ireland from whence I had lately come with my Husband and Family and
indeed there had been no real conversion though I had often thoughts towards God and especially I was given much to impatiency for which my Husband had often reproved me But still I went on in my sin being not sensible of my sad condition therein until I came into England After which this Sermon of Mr. T. did much humble me and wrought upon my heart a very great sense of my sins And I was afraid that I had committed the sin of Blasphemy against God as Job said his children perhaps had done some way or other because I had sometimes cursed some body or something that had angred me and in passion rapt out sometimes at Oath many nights I watered my bed with my tears about it and went to Mr. VVest a Minister near Liverpoole and other godly people who used such means as God led them forth to for my comfort but I was still afflicted in my Soul about the space of three weeks and then I found much comfort being perswaded by good counsel to trust in God which I did and was heartily sorry for my sins And then my Husband was troubled in mind himself and the Lord made me an instrument to comfort him as well as I could But about five months after he had abundance of joy and comfort and expected death saying that he was perswaded he should be killed and so presently after he was setled in his mind it fell sadly out For the Enemy took Liverpool and killed my Husband and a child both before my face and stript and wounded me and a child of five years old and it was thought I could not live And this was a strong tryal and I was much tempted my senses me thought were going from me and my heart I thought would have rent in pieces yet I prayed and the Lord heard me I thought it was too much for me to bear But I remembred my Saviours words He that will not forsake Father or Mother or Sister or Brother or Husband or Child for Christ is not worthy of him and I desire to give glory to his name I consider that I must part with all for Christ I strove hard against my own weakness and my heart said that God was just in all his dealings with me I thought when I had considered of it that I did but suffer as an evil doer my self but our cause was Gods and our Enemies Popish Rebels Paul was ready not only to suffer but to dye at Jerusalem for the name of Christ so I took it patiently giving glory to God and believing that God who wus come so near me would not forsake me I was assured with much joy that the Lord would bring me to himself and in this confidence did rejoyce with my wounded Child and a little Daughter a Barn where we were put having got a piece of an old Bible and then and since I have found much settledness in my faith from several Promises of the Lord revealed in his holy Word some of which follow John 15.7 If ye abide in me and my words abide in you ye shall ask what you will and it shall be done unto you I trust in God never to depart from his word and therefore hope to find comfort in the end and do find comfort in the way in that Christ abideth with me Matth. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled Though the Lord hath thus emptyed me of some worldly comforts yet he hath given me an hungring and thirsting Soul after himself and therefore I laid hold of this promise of blessedness as made to me Matth. 11.28 where Christ saith Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest It this I have been and still am much comforted in the greatest afflictions that God hath laid upon me in whom alone is true rest And as further testimonies of my love to God and evidences of my faith I have these comfortable inferences which speak much peace to my Soul 1. My love to God and Christ is more than to all things in the World 2. I find a great difference in my affections to God and to the World and the things thereof so that my Children which of all worldly things are most near and dear to me yet if God should take them from me I could freely give them 3. I find the Spirit striving against the flesh so that when I heard Dr. Holmes speaking of that still voice which a Believer hears as it were from the Spirit it did so inlarge my heart that for joy and great comfort it made me weep through the influence of the Spirit sensibly then upon my heart and so at other times also I find much comfort in the Spirit of God which is my greatest joy 4. I do rejoyce mightily in the Ordinances and apply what I hear to my self as well as I can and when I hear any thing against any evil that I can apply to my self the Lord draws forth my heart frequently to pray to God that I may do nothing that may displease him And I thank my God I find a full willingness in desire and affection to submit to every truth of Jesus Christ 5. When I hear comforts spoken of that concern me I am so joyful that it fills my heart and sometimes fetches tears from mine eyes as particularly when Master M. said That afflictions were a testimony of Gods love to his people as Lazarus was sorely afflicted and dearly beloved 6. Since I heard Mr. B. and others as also suitable to my condition sevcral things laid open by Mr. W. in some cases of Conscience I have been much affected to settle my self so by the power of Christ that I may find peace in my conscience in all things before I dye and have made it my chief business and have found comfort in the meetings of godly people 7. I bless the name of the Lord my affections are loving to the people of God and I know I love them dearly and my heart riseth to hear them spoken against I had rather bear reproaches my self than than see any one of them wronged or suffer 8. I desire as to live with God in glory in Heaven so to lead my life to his glory here on Earth in grace according to the rule of his holy Word and the examples of the Saints therein expressed and I could heartily wish were it possible that I might never sin more And I have I bless God a clear discerning through the power of the Spirit of Grace that the Gospel is the Word of truth to Salvation 9. When I come before the Lord I see nothing but emptiness in my self and therefore trust in the fulness of Christ in whose power and Spirit I find much comfort and desire always that I may come prepared with that wedding garment that may never be taken away from me for of my self I can do nothing but through
Christ if he abide in me and I in him I shall do all things M. W. XVI Experiences of I. I. WHen I was in the midst of my wealth and worldly enjoyments I was vain covetous and wholy had my heart taken up with the things of the World little or nothing minding the things of God or thinking of a change but went on in presumption putting the evil day far off minidng only for the present what pleased the flesh untill about eight years since I had many outward crosses befell me and was in some want and then being under that dispensation I was much troubled and full of grief I sought to the Lord and begged deliverance from my afflictions and distresses as to outward wants but had not an heart to consider what was the cause or to seek out the mind of God in it until I heard Dr. Holmes shewing sin to be the cause of all our crosses The consideration hereof did come close unto my spirit and I had a clear conviction of my vanity and foolish doting on worldly things which had justly provoked the Lord I hope for my good to lay those crosses upon me which though they were for a time bitter yet God hath since sweetned But my sorrow was then doubled and I was dejected not only for my outward crosses but more especially for my carnal heart and vain conversation whereby I had stirred up the anger of the Lord against me I went to the Ordinances hoping to find comfort from the Word but the weight of my sins and my sufferings so pressed me down that I found much heaviness My sins especially lay heavy upon me and I saw little hope of comfort yet the Lord was pleased to work in my heart a loathing of sin as well as trouble for the affliction it had brought upon me But about a year since I heard Master W. prove by Scripture in a Sermon very effectual to my comfort that those who have been the greatest of sinners if they do heartily and really repent and turn to God by faith in Christ and lead a new life the Lord will receive them to mercy Hereupon I argued with my Soul that though I had been a great sinner yet the Lord had brought my heart to a loathing of those sins I loved and of all sins and to turn to the Lord and sincerely to desire to serve him That therefore there was hope of mercy for me I heard Mr. W. Mr. M. and others and frequented divers meetings where I found much comfort Those several places of Scripture in which I chiefly found comfort from the Promises of God are Matth. 11.28 29 30. where Christ saith Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Take my yoke upon you and learn of me for I am meek and lowly in heart and ye shall find rest unto your Souls for my yoak is easie and my burden light This made me to hope that as the Lord hath given me an heavy heart laden with the sense of sin so Christ Jesus will give me comfort for in the 12 verse of the same Chapter it is said a hruised reed shall he not break and and smoaking flax shall he not quench And though I had dishonoured Christ yet I had not blasphemed the Holy-ghost and therefore had incouragement to believe from the words of Christ Luke 12.10 Whosoever shall speak a word against the Son of Man it shall be forgiven him but unto him that Blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven I was comforted to wait upon the Lord in hope because he had humbled my Soul and opened mine eyes to see mercy offered to me and this was strengthend from that example Lament 30.20 to verse 26. My Soul hath them still in remembrance and is humbled in me This I recall to mind theresore have I hope It is the Lords mercy that we are not consumed because his compassions fail not They are new every morning Great is thy faithfulness the Lord is my portion saith my Soul therefore will I hope in him The Lord is good unto them that wait for him to the Soul that seeketh him I was much incouraged from hence to seek the Lord and hope in his mercy My conscience told me I was a great sinner and deserved death and Hell but my hope was in God and strengthened from that promise Ezek. 18.21 22 23. If the wicked will turn from his sins that he hath committed and keep all my Statutes and do that which is lawfull and right he shall surely live he shall not dye All his transgressions that he hath committed they shall not be mentioned unto him In the righteousness that he hath done he shall live Have I any pleasure at all that the wicked shall dye saith the Lord God and not that he should turn from his ways and live And the Lord was pleased to put into my spirit a very great resolution to serve him for the time to come and I praise my God I have had since much joy in duties of Piety and much sweetness from the Word of God and goldly Ministers I have no desire to enjoy the pleasures and vanities of the World as I have done but my heart now takes delight in God and communion with his people and the Lord hath given me an heart io discern a beauty and desirableness in the ways of God which are more joyful to me now than ever sin was formerly and when I come at the Ordinances I often find and feel such heavenly refreshments from the Lord upon my heart that it makes me exceeding full of joy There is such a love upon my heart to God that I dare not willingly offend him in any thing I rejoyce to hear his name spoken of and his glory exalted And I find a very great affection drawn by the power of God from my heart to such as seem to be his people J. J. XVII Experiences of E. C. ABout nine years agoe at the Birth of a Child I had very great temptations of destroyinging my self and have had oftentimes a knife put into my hand to do it so that I durst not be left by my self alone and when I had considered what the causes might be my Conscience did hint most my neglecting of duties which I had many opportunities to have performed they being the Ordinances of God Thus I continued till two years agoe I buryed a Child which was a very great trouble to me to part with and then was I more fully convinced of sin which caused my burthen to be the greater so that I could seldom have any other thoughts but of desperation but the Lord kept me by his great mercy so that sometimes I could pray with devotion and discern the Lord to remove this great trouble from me I did plainly find that those great temptations were very much lessened which was a very great comfort unto my spirit but yet this still was
upon me that I could read the Promises but I found none of them to belong to me I could not say God was mine or had discovered him self to me in pardoning my sins yet this I had often thoughts of that I would throw my self upon Christ and if I perished I perished and since I bless God I have found some satisfaction in several places of Scripture As First In Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest And feeling such a burthen then upon my Soul I relyed upon that true rest Another is in 1 John 2.2 And he is the reconciliation for our sins and not for ours only but for the sins of the whole World I being one in the World I applyed this to my self and in 1 John 1 14. The Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the World Another place of Scripture is John 3.17 For God sent not his Son into the World to condemn the World but that the World through him might be saved And in verse 35. He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life Upon this account I said I believe Lord help my unbelief And in the sixth Chapter of John and 67 and 68 verses Jesus said unto his Discipes Will ye go from me also Peter said unto him Lord whither shall we go for thou hast the words of eternal life So that I will now wait upon the Lord for a further manifestation of himself unto my Soul in the use of his Ordinances although I have not in times past been fed with the Childrens bread yet now I do believe I shall not be denyed those crums of Spiritual comforts to nourish and refresh my wearyed Spirit for God saith Isa 55.1 Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters and he that hath no money come ye buy and eat yea come buy Wine and Milk without money and without price And I praise God I have found of late a very great manifestation of Gods working a change upon my heart and drawing me by true faith to himself 1. About a quarter of a year since I heard Mr. B. on the luke-warmness of the Church of Laodicea shewing that the Lord would refuse none that come to him in humbleness of Spirit and sincerity of heart then I thought surely I might make use of these full promises made to those that come to him and it put me to search the Scriptures which I did and found a greater influence upon my spirit in the understanding of the Word than before 2. I am in all things that I do fearful of offending God and my desire is to do all things to his glory 3. My love to God is so hearty that I delight to be meditating of God and to have communion with him and could wish that I might be wholly if it were possible with God and my heart is never so at rest as when I am reading of his Truths and hearing others speak of them 4. I am so little affected to the World that I account it nothing I can willingly leave all for God and I hope suffer any thing for God if he should please to call me to it so far as I can judge of my own heart but herein trusting in the power of Christ 5. Sin is loathsom to me so that the affections that I did bear to some evils are gone and I now loath them more than before I loved them 6. I have many consticts between the flesh and the spirit but I find in those strivings my heart most cleaving to follow the mind of God knowing that if I give way to sin Satan enters and with all my Soul I desire and delight to follow the leadings of Gods Spirit 7. In all things the resolutions of my heart are for doing those things that may please God and that without delay being fearful to offend God which through infirmity I do I have great trouble in spirit for it and my resolutions aae always against every thing that may hinder my peace with God 8. I find in my heart so great a peace between God and my Conscience that should God now call me I shall be very well contented to go to my Saviour 9. I do not doubt of Gods love to me because he hath drawn forth my heart sincerely to love him 10. My love hath been always from a Child to the people of God and my heart hath been ever troubled when I have heard them evil spoken of 11. My affections are great to the Ordinances and my heart longeth after them and when at any time I come with a cold heart to Duties yet my heart is frequently warmed and inlarged in those duties E. C. XVIII Experiences of D. M. SOme years since through many crosses increasing upon me like an armed man I flew unto God to seek his mind by prayer and he discovered to me that it was for my sins which were then set before me which caused m to feel the hand of God by afflictions upon me that fin was the cause of my sufferings which lay very heavy upon me and terrified me so that I thought I had been in the way to damnation And that if it had been in the way to Salvation every affliction would not come so upon me greater than I thought I could be able to bear In particular the Lord discovered to me that I had too much loved my Husband in making an Idol of him and therefore he justly became a great terror to my spirit for he grew an enemy to goodness and so an hindrance to me in coming to Christ And while I thus doted on him he went away from me I feared through the sense of that and other sins together with the aggravations of my afflictions that God did not love me Yet it struck into my heart that God did not strike willingly and therefore I endeavoured to see what was the mind of God in it who had taken away my Husband Goods and all from me namely that he had done it that I should not hang upon husks but should love him And I found that I had loved the world too much and set my heart too much upon these Creature-comforts and therefore the Lord took them away from me This wrought upon me great troubles and deipair so that I cryed till I was almost blind And I had great fear and trembling upon me that I could not pray not hear with profit but thought it was in vain for me to pray whom God loved not and whom I had so offended About a quarter of a year after I had a temptation by Satan to drown my self in a Pond near Leeds in York-shire weither the Devil led me telling me that I might do it there it being a private place where no body could see me and I came to the Pond side but by the providence of God having a great love to a young Infant I had I took that Child in my Arms and
when I came to the place I looked upon the Child and considered with my self what shall I destroy my self and my poor Child and cryed out unto God Lord what wilt thou have me to do and had a sore conflict at that time with the Devil but me thought at last I heard the Lord say to my Soul as he did to Paul Trust in me my grace is sufficient for thee And then I found some comfort which inlarged my heart through the assistance of Gods Spirit to call upon the name of the Lord for further assistance and comfort and so I went back again with much joy believing that I should have the favour of God And the Lord put it into my mind to go to one E. B. that dwelt by a Moor side near Leeds whom I knew was a godly Woman and she opened to me the troubles of David and Job and gave me sweet comfort saying God was by me and I did not see him and as Job wished so she wrought upon my heart to wish O that I could see him O that I could behold him and my heart was full of joy and I cryed and was much grieved with very great repentance that I had been so seduced and did so despair of Gods mercies and had been so blinded And the Lord set it upon my spirit that though I had laid all aside yet now I should come out of the Wilderness leaning on my Beloved and I had a greater affection to the ways of God than ever and delighted in them more than ever Before they were a burthen to me now they were easie and sweet Being at York I heard a Minister there out of Hosea 2. preach that which wrought much comfort in me and that Christ had promised to betroth himself to every Believer And then and since I have much joy in the promises of God and can through the Spirit of God which I find and feel in my heart lay hold by faith on them as my particular interest As Rom. 10.4 Christ is the end of the Law for righteousness to every one that believeth Christ by hss Spirit hath wrought belief in me both in his promises and threatnings and to live according to his Word therefore I conclude that I shall be saved by the righteousness of my Saviour Rom. 9.4 Who are Israelites to whom pertaineth the adoption and the glory and the covenants and the giving of the Law and the service of God and the promises I know that every Believer is a true Israelite and brought under the Covenant of grace by Jesus Christ and that therefore the promises of grace and salvation belong to me Rom. 3.21 22. But now the righteousness of God without the Law is manifested being witnessed by the Law and the Prophets even the Righteousness of God which is by Faith of Jesus unto all and upon all them that believe for there is no difference I being one whom God hath drawn to believe it is manifested unto me that I have an interest in the Righteousness of Jesus Christ to justifie me before God by his merits which are made mine by faith Hosea 2.19 20. I will betroth thee unto me sor ever yea I will betroth thee unto me in righteousness and in judgment and in loving kindness and in mereies I will even betroth thee unto me in saithsulness and thou shalt know the Lord. I find great comfort from this promise in that the Lord doubles and trebles his Promises and enlargeth himself so freely to the Soul And as testimonies of my real conversion to God and union with Jesus Christ and that reconciliaon is made between God and my Soul I find these real evidences wrought by Gods blessed Spirit in me 1. I find in my heart great love to God that when God saith Seek my face my heart rejoyns again saying thy face Lord will I seek And I find nothing so dear to me as the love of God and if my heart deceive me not I could bear and suffer any thing to bring glory to God accounting all things but dung and dross below Christ 2. When any thing of the flesh ariseth against the motions of Gods Spirit to draw me from good or to do evil I find frequently the power of the Spirit to subdue my heart not to submit to the flesh but to walk in his way and yet I am so sensible of my infirmities that all that I do or can do is nothing but as filthy rags but I know Jesus Christ is my Saviour and stands engaged for me and when the flesh is weakest I find the Spirit thirsteth after God 3. I find in my heart a very great thirsting after the Ordinances and a great enlargment of heart and comfort in them my heart being delighted to be among the people of God and full of joy in them 4. When thoughts of want at any time arise I find full satisfaction in the better part which never can be taken from me which is my interest in Jesus Christ And I find in my Conscience a great testimony of my Spiritual union with God and that I am so separated from the world in my affections that God hath drawn me to himself 5. God who searcheth the heart knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit because he maketh intercession for the Saints according to the will of God which will of God I find a free submission to in my heart with joy knowing that all things shall work together for good to them that love God 6. It is the chiefest desire of my heart that God would keep me close to my duty and I have abundance of joy in communion with the Lord which is more sweet to me than my joy in any thing else 7. I delight much to speak of God and of his ways and to use what means I can to comfort the Saints whom I love dearly and if possible to convert sinners D. M. XIX Expertences of Ae. L. I Had lately great grief upon my spirit about a Daughter which was brought to great sufferings and by reason of her going away in her affliction I thought she had made away her self God put it into my thoughts to remember my sins and that he had laid this affliction upon me for neglecting my duty to him and not serving him as I ought This caused great sorrow in me and made me abundantly shed tears my sins I thought were the occasion that the Lord made her so great a cross to me for which I had deserved it so that both became a great grief to my Soul and thus I lay languishing in very great sorrow Then I began to think with my self that there is no refuge but only in Christ and I consulted my thoughts how to go to good company and meetings where I might find comfort from the people of God And about two years since one morning I came to Mr. S. to joyn with godly people that came thither to prayer though with a great deal of
fall from their Masters Table I remembred Gods dispensations towards Job and David and resolved with Joshua that I and my house wold serve the Lord. And although it was a bitter pill to me to bear the cross before yet now my God hath made it easie and I praise the Lord through his grace I can go under it with a great deal of comfort and he hath now discovered to me the way of his working in those things which before were wonderful strange to me Many special promises I found great comfort in some that I remember are these that follow viz. 1 Pet. 5.6 7. Humble your selves therefore under the mighty hand of God that he may exalt you in due time Casting all your care on him for he careth for you This promise I have found of a truth made good to me in some measure I have applyed it often and have found the comfort of it 2 Cor. 1.29 My grace is sufficient for thee From this place I found much comfort knowing the fulness of so glorious a portion Jam. 1.2 3 4. Count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations knowing this that the tryal of your faith worketh patience But let patience have her perfect work that ye may be perfect and intire wanting nothing This administred great joy to me against all temptations Isa 55.1 Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters of life and he that hath no mony come ye buy and eat This gave great comfort to my Soul at several times though it was so much cast down And that which gives me great content and comfort is the seal of Gods Spirit in my heart giving evidence of peace in the blood of Christ between God and my Soul by these testimonies 1. My love to God is so that I am confident if the Lord keep me with his Spirit which at this time he hath bestowed upon me I could be content to part with any thing or lay down my life for his glory if he would call me to it 2. The Lord hath been pleased so to inrich my Soul with his Spirit that I loath the things of the World when they would draw me in any thing from submitting to the motions of Gods Spirit in my heart I once thought nothing could have drawn me from the love of the vain things of the world but now I do as much disdain them for God and more than then I loved them 3. I desire to follow Gods Ordinances and find great enlargments of my heart to God both to and in the Ordinances And particularly from Mr. S. Mr. W. and others from whom many things have fallen that have much refreshed my Soul and I find my heart in duties to God more refreshed than in any thing 4. I find much peace in my conscience because of a free submission which his Spirit hath wrought in my Soul to all the commands of Jesus Christ and I find comfort in that true circumcision which is in my heart wrought by his Spirit 5. I find every every day so great a peace in my Soul and such comfort in God that I could be willing and I bless God find in my self a readiness to dye every moment XXII Experiences of A. A. ABout two years since my Husband was sore wounded which I took as a great tryal not having above a month to go with Child and I was troubled at it And about a quarter of a year after I was up all my Children were sick together of the small Pox. Yet all this did not work upon me inwardly so sensibly as about a month afterwards that one of my Children dyed suddenly when I thought he had been near well then I said the wages of sin is death thinking that the Lord had warned me by Fatherly threatnings before but I did not hearken to him and therefore I thought he smote me now by the death of my Child But yet I could not enter into any particular sins that God should strike at only in general I sought the Lord to lay open my sins to me I was very much troubled that the Lord took my child so suddenly from me but was comforted by Mr. Strong in some Sermons preached from the words the Church to Paul going to suffer at Jerusalem Acts 21.14 When he would not be perswaded we ceased saying The will of the Lord be done So I was setled pretty well in my thoughts till suddenly the Lord struck the elder of my two Children then living which was a Boy my other which is a Girl I did not so much value but now I do and know Gods mercy in sparing her but my Child that then dyed was the chief comfort that my heart was fixed upon in this world which was so great a grief to me that I have slept few nights quiet I desired to know the mind of God what he would do with me Sometimes I should have difpaired through great buffetings inwardly but that the Lord sustained me Sometimes I thought that the wrath of God was kindled against me thinking never to have comfort in this world again But blessed be the Lord for it he hath often comforted me in this that I have thought he did it in love to me yet sometimes I have feared that I should despair and that the hand of God was against me in it having been troubled with thoughts that I was the death of my children Thus I have been between hope and dispair and could not find what the Will of God was in it towards me And I had fears that the hand of God was still against me for further punishment because I have had many temptations upon me in low thoughts of God But I have gone to prayer and desired the Lord to deliver me and discover his mind to me in every thing that I do and have found a willingness to part with any thing even to cut off a limb or any thing if I could find out what it was And I bless God I have found a good spirit resisting the bad Yet I have been under much fear that I was not a child of God But it hath pleased God to comfort me in this that Pauls life was subject to temptations therefore I had hope and cast my self upon the mercies of God resolving that if I perish I perish never daring to offend willingly in any thing that I know to be a sin yet I know I am a wretched sinner but I humbly desire to do the will of God so far as I am able And in that I can say with David Psal 42.1 As the heart panteth after the water-brooks so panteth my soul after thee O God I find comfort with him to say Why art thou cast down O my Soul and why art thou disquieted within me hope thou in God for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance verse 5. And I will look unto the Lord with the Prophet Micha I will wait for the God of my Salvation
am guilty before Gods justice in my self both by original sin which came by the fall of Adam and much more by those many actual sins which I have personally committed but I am justified by Christ 14. I desire to shew my dutiful love in obedience to my Fathers commands and my affections according to the rule of the Gospel to Christ my Husband with whom I am spiritually marryed 15. The Lord saith Come out from amongst them all ye my people and be ye separated and touch no unclean thing and I will be your God and ye shall be my people And if I regard iniquity in my heart the Lord will not hear my prayers I take God to witness who knows the secrets of all hearts that I desire to joyn in duties not to the end that others should have a good opinion of me I know I must leave all worldly relations how soon I know not but herein I shall have peace that I do as my Father hath commanded me and I rejoyce in Christ Jesus putting no confidence in the flesh but only in the merits of my Saviour M. M. XXVI Experiences of H. W. WHen my God appeared through his grace to shine by his sacred Spirit into my dark Soul my thoughts were much taken up in consâ—deration of my sad and deplorable condition under â—â—e curse by nature yet so that I did withal see enough in Christ to deliver me from all if I did attain to a true belief But my perplexed Soul drank deep of the bitter dreggs of a sorrowful cup before I could tast of the sweet cordials my blessed Saviour had prepared for me wherewith I have since been often refreshed My conscience told me that if I ever expected deliverance from sin death and hell and to have favour with God I must devote my heart to him alone But yet I found the love of some worldly vanities rooted so fast in my affections that I did often put God off and had an eye to some worldly contents which deprived me for that time of enjoying peace in his presence I often said Lord such a day I will leave all and never seek my self but thy glory in all things and then again Lord after such a merry meeting then I will shake hands with all temporal delights and again now Lord once more I will have but one day of pleasure and then I will part with all that offends thee and not seek after any thing out of thee more But for a time all this proved but unfaithfulness to my Saviour and wounds to my own Spirit the sense whereof did sadly terrifie my conscience My Soul was much cast down and I sat up a great part of many nights when all the Family where I then lived was in bed and with an heavy heart and floods of tears gushing from my sorrowful eyes I was exceedingly disquieted pouring forth mine heart to my God and begging mercy at the footstool of the Throne of grace And that which was the greatest horror upon my Spirit was that I could not manifest my believing by a pious spiritual conversation in a faithful obedience according to the sacred rule of the Gospel When I have had resolutions for worldly pleasures to satisfie the desires of nature it hath taken away the comfort of my heart from spiritual duties in the interim But I found in my Soul a great conffict in wrastling against those sad temptations my conscience convincing me how great an enemy I was to my Soul therein and testifying that it would be infinitely better to leave all the vain things of the world than to live without the love of my Saviour But when my God was pleased to bring my heart to a frame to resolve seriously never to delay with God a moment more my heart was so fixed on my Saviour that I saw a sufficiency in him under any dispensation I tasted a greater sweetness in the graces of his Spirit than in any temporal pleasure And I found much of the love grace spirit and power of my dear Saviour appearing to refresh my troubled Soul And I have found much comfort from divers promises of the Lord and particularly Isa 49.8 8. I will preserve thee and give thee for a Covenant of the people to establish the earth and to cause to inherit the desolate heritages That thou mayest say to the Prisoners go forth to them that are in darkness shew your selves Though I was before a Prisoner to worldly vanities and shut up in darkness yet Christ being sent to declare the Covenant to such I found good warrant to apply it to my self Ezek. 34.22 Therefore will I save my flock and they shall be no more a prey This Salvation I applyed as promised to me considering that though I was a sinful man yet it was my comfort that the Lord was my God vers 31. And ye my flock the flock of my pasture are men and I am your God Mat. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled God having given me an heart to hunger and thirst after my Saviour and my God above all things I believe this promise was made to me with many more which gave much sweet comfort and consolation to my Soul And being justified by faith I have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ the testimony of which faith is sealed to my Soul by his blessed Spirit in these Demonstrations 1. I find many evident testimonies of the love of God to me which hath drawn forth my Soul to an high esteem of him and to love him above all things 2. I see nothing but sin in my self and my trust is in my Saviours merits for justification 3. I feel glorious refreshments from the heavenly gales of Gods blessed Spirit breathing his grace into my Soul which is the highest bliss I can desire on this side Heaven 4. I find much comfort from the Word and Ordinances 5. My chief desire in all thsngs is to glorifie God 6. I find a very great affection in my heart to the people of God or any that I judge so to be 7. I desire to be at peace with and do all the good I can to all especially those of the houshold of Faith 8. I can heartily beg of the Lord to give me deliverance from and strength against every sin though never so pleasing to my nature or which I am most prone to 9. I find no such full joy in any thing as I do in communion with my God 10. I see a purity and glory in the ways of God and Gospel-duties above all things 11. I desire no longer to live than to glorifie God 12. All the days of my appointed time I wait till my change shall come H. W. XXVII Experiences of D. R. IT hath pleased the Lord ever since I knew a difference between good and evil to give me a heart to seek after those things which savoured most of God And it was
Therefore seeing I am not my own I am bought with a price therefore I desire to glorifie God with my Soul and Body which are the Lords saying with Mary in Luke 1. My Soul doth magnifie the Lord and my Spirit doth rejoyce in God my Saviour who hath regarded the low estate of his handmaid 8. Though formerly my soundation was built upon the sands and therefore easily overthrown Yet now I trust in the Lord I am established by Faith built upon that Rock which is the love of God my Saviour Christ being the corner stone Isa 28.16 Behold I lay in Zion a stone a tryed stone he that believeth shall not make hast 9. I wait upon the Will of my Heavenly Father in all his dispensations for a more full injoyment of Jesus Christ in my Soul which I do hunger and thirst after and I have the promise of my God that I shall be filled and having tasted I have found the Lord is gracious and more to be desired than thousands of Worlds 10. I believe not upon others words but as in John 4.42 as some said to the Woman of Samaria Now we believe not because of thy saying for we have heard him our selves and know that this is indeed the Christ the Saviour of the World 11. As David saith I had fainted unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord and I believe therefore have I spoken for I was greatly afflicted As the Apostle saith ye are compleat in Christ therefore I reckon my self in him 12. The Lord having cleared it to me that I am a believer I am confident that Christ Jesus did pray to his Father for me in the 17. of John saying I pray not for these only hut for them that shall believe through their word that they may be one even as we are one therefore thou art my God and I will praise thee for thou hast heard me and art become my salvation Thus in some measure I have weakly hinted out a reason of the hope that is in me trusting in my God that as he hath taken away the guilt of sin out of my conscience so in his due time he will take away all sin from my conversation as he hath given me a pardon for sin so he will over-power all my corruptions that I may live more to the praise of the glory of his grace wherein he hath made me accepted in the Beloved and that I shall become over sin Satan self and all things opposite to grace more than a Conqueror through him that hath loved me and washed me from my sins in his blood for to him are all things possible and he is the wise Master-Builder who will not only begin but will go on to accomplish his own work D. R. XXVIII Experiences of A. O. I Have undergone sad troubles of spirit for my sins which I have had a great fight and sense of and shed many tears for and desire to be truly sorry for them and hate them and to have no more communion with them About two years I lay under very great temptations and was ready to despair and for several nights could not take any rest in my bed but was very weak with weeping and much grieved for my evil thoughts yet the Lord drew forth my heart to call upon him and hope in him for mercy But I had many sore conflicts insomuch that I could not lye in the chamber alone I made what use I could of opportunities to desire comfort from such godly Christians as I could meet withal to counsel me in the ways of God and I laboured to hearken to them but found my heart very dull and heavy for a time untill about three years since I began to find comfort from some Sermons that I heard and books that I read and some thoughts that the Lord settled upon my heart by his spirit hoping that there was mercy for me And I did believe that I had all the prayers of all the Saints in the world put up to the Throne of grace for me and that my Saviour had satisfied for my sins and through him God was reconciled to me and in particular I found comfort from these and some other promises John 16.35 Jesus said unto them I am the bread of life he that cometh to me shall never hunger and he that believeth on me shall never thirst Verse 37. All that the Father giveth me shall come to me and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out John 14.1 Let not your hearts be troubled ye believe in God believe also in me Jerem. 31.23 But this shall be the Covenant that I will make with the house of Israel After those days saith the Lord I will put my Law in their inward parts and write it in their Hearts and I will be their God and they shall be my people And I do find in my heart a testimony of my believing that I do love God wrought in me by his blessed Spirit by these particulars 1. I love God not through slavish fear but for his name and glory so that I can leave all for him and nothing is so dear and precious unto me as the love of God and nothing so great a joy to me as that Christ who dyed for me hath not left me 2. I find such comfort from the Lord that he by his Spirit revives my drooping heart and fills my empty Soul and when my poor spirit is even fainting away I find comfort from his glorious power and presence 3. When I cannot come to Ordinances it is a grief to me and when I am in duty it is a grief to me that I am so dull and find no more inlargement yet my affections are groaning after the Lord Jesus Christ in Duties and I have a great longing to receive more of Christ And I find more comfort when my heart is inlarged in duty than in any other thing in the World and I know that all my comfort is from Jesus Christ 4. What I desire to injoy I seek to injoy it in God through peace of conscience that it may be to the comfort of my faith for God is pure and it is a great grief to me that I câ—n serve my God no better 5. I do not fear death for my faith is so setled in God that I long to be with my Saviour when he shall be pleased to call me to him Christ hath dyed for me to take away the fear of the second death A. O. XXIX Experiences of M. W. I Have from my child-hood desired to serve the Lord and to make his Commandments my rule to walk by and I thought once that I could have said with the young man in the Gospel All these have I kept from my youth But it pleased the Lord to visit me with a grievous sickness even unto death and then my heart told me that I was a great sinner and my conscience accused me that I had
loved the world more than I had loved Jesus Christ Then I was afflicted in my spirit with fear because I could not believe that Jesus Christ had dyed for me I besought the Lord by earnest prayer that he would be pleased to spare me for I found my self to be very unfit for death I made Promises to the Lord that if he did please to spare me I would lead a new life and did resolve to walk more close to my God The Lord was pleased in mercy to hear my Prayer and grant this request and spare me a while longer to serve him in the land of the living But notwithstanding my promises and the great deliverance the Lord had wrought for me in keeping me back from Hell and the Grave I had soon forgotten all I began to love the world again and lived as vainly as before But the Lord smote my conscience and sorely troubled my spirit for this backsliding putting me in mind of the promises I had made to him in my sickness With great bitterness of heart and grief of Soul I mourned for my failings and did again resolve for the time to come to keep more close to God and set a watch over my heart But the more I looked into my heart the more vile I saw my self to be and was greatly troubled that I had so often played the hypocrite with my God I again besought the Lord by prayer that he would be pleased for Jesus Christ his sake to forgive all my sins and backslidings which I then was grieved for with loathing more than ever before My conscience was so wounded and my Soul cast down in so great a conflict that my spirits were almost dryed up and my heart began to grow weary and faint with crying and groaning after my Saviour Yet the Lord was pleased to humble me still more and more and to try me further as gold is tryed in the fire And my afflictions were doubled upon me by Satans malice who tempted me with evil thoughts which was grievous to my Soul When I had prayed with a troubled spirit as well as I could the Devil put thoughts into my mind quite contrary to the frame of a praying spirit When I had read the word of God he tempted me with doubts and questions touching some things therein whether it was truth or not And Satan followed his temptations so close upon me that as soon as the Lord had inabled me to repulse one temptation the Devil assaulted me with another so that I had scarce time to fetch my breath one temptation followed so close upon another Being troubled much in my spirit in this condition I was tempted to discontent that the Lord had not taken away these Temptations from me and in anger fell into some great passions even near unto desperation And I was sorely buffeted by the Devil in this my lowest extremity who assaulted me with fresh temptations of blasphemous thoughts touching God so that when in the bitterness of my Soul I was seeking after Jesus Christ and had named God he would put into my mind the objects of the brute Creatures and even whilst I was pouring out my Soul to the Creator and was pleading a promise he brought a curse to my thoughts Thus was I repulsed in all duties by Satans terrifying my Soul to perswade me that it was in vain for me to seek for Salvation because I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost which God by his word hath declared shall never be forgiven neither in this World nor in the World to come because I was discontented that the Lord after all my addresses to him had not delivered me from all my troubles But the Lord gave me strength to resist Satan and say in the bitterness of my Soul to my God far be it from me O Lord to be offended with thee And the Lord wrought this resolution in my Soul that I did protest before the Lord that although I should see nothing but Hell before me yet I would trust in him and stay my self upon my God until he pleased to send me deliverance I made my case known to a dear friend who gave me some comfort he told me that the sin against the Holy Ghost was to sin wilfully by perpetual despite against God I found a clear testimony in my conscience that I was so far from despiting the Spirit of grace that I had not sinned willingly against God for I found it to be an affliction to me to be tempted with evil thoughts touching the Lord tho' I consented not to them and I found my Soul grieved that I could not be freed from them And then with abundance of tears by often prayers and supplications to the Throne of Grace I poured sorth my sinful Soul at the foot-stool of Gods mercy exalting free grace and pleading the unspeakable riches of the mercies of God that would appear in the conversion of such a sinner as I had been Methoughts it seemed to exalt Gods mercy and to be one of the greatest manifestations of free grace in the world to be to the great glory of the Lord and unspeakable comfort of my poor Soul if he would be pleased to bring me to himself Now when by the Divine power of God my heart was thus resolved to trust in him and to wait upon him then the Lord was pleased to shew me to my comfort the example of Jesus Christ who had no sin in himself yet he was tempted of the Devil And likewise of Paul how Satan sent sent a messenger to buffet him who then prayed unto God and the Lord said my grace is sufficient for thee my power is made known in thy weakness Then I began to be comforted and to think if Christ himself was tempted if the children of God who had been eminent examples had lain under temptations and the Lord according to his promises had strengthned and delivered them there was hope for me And the Lord wrought faith in my heart to believe that he would strengthen me and keep me that I should not perish for ever And I have since found great consolation in many promises which the Lord hath revealed in his Word which I have pleaded before him some of which follow Isaiah 50.10 Who is among you that feareth the Lord and obeyeth the voice of his Servant that walketh in darkness and hath no light let him trust in the name of the Lord and stay upon his God I applyed this promise thus I had walked in darkness and saw no light but God had wrought in my heart to fear him and a willingness to obey my Saviour and a resolution to trust in the name of the Lord therefore I knew it was not in vain to stay my self upon my God And Matth. 12.20 It is said by Christ A bruised reed shall he not break and smoaking flax shall he not quench till he send forth judgment unto victory The Lord having broken and bruised me in
the sense of sin and drawn forth my heart to rely upon him I believed that he would in the end give me victory through Christ and Isa 40.29 He giveth power to the faint and to them that have no might he increaseth strength This promise I laid hold on because Christ saith Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Mat. 11.28 When I had refreshed my spirit by applying these and some other Promises to my own Soul by faith in the Lord Jesus I found an effect of my faith by that love to God which by his holy Spirit he had wrought in my Soul which appeareth by these particular Evidences 1. I am grieved that I have been so unbelieving towards God and so impatient in my afflictions 2. I am troubled to think that whilst I live here in this mortal flesh I cannot be quite freed from sin but must live to offend so good a God who hath wrought so great a deliverance for me 3. I bless the Lord I can through Divine goodness from the testimony of the blessed Spirit say with comfort the Lord is my God whereby I can cry Abba Father 4. I can I hope willingly deny my self in all things and should the Lord call me to it take up the Cross of my Saviour Jesus to follow him and bless God in all dispensations whatsoever 5. I find a total desire and willingness in my heart to surrender my self to be led by Gods blessed Spirit in all holiness and piety with perseverance that I may live all my days to the glory of my God 6. My affections are more firmly and really knit to God than to any thing so that I can part with any thing for God and I value my interest in God above all things and I find more joy in him than in all things 7. I am not now afraid to dye should God call me that I may go to be with my Saviour for ever 8. I desire to be in love and charity with all men but in an especial manner I do love the godly because in appearance they are the children of God and I desire to feed upon Christ by faith in his Ordinances M. W. XXX Experiences of H. C. AT the beginning of the Civil Wars I as well as others was much frighted and when it was said that such a day the City should be destroyed I was amazed I had been a hearer a great while of very eminent Ministers in the City of London yet profited very little by what I heard For if they preached the mercies of God I feared they did not belong to me because I could not find those qualifications in me which I thought I ought to have if I expected to receive mercy I could rejoyce in hearing of the promises but could not lay hold on them as belonging to me but still I went to hear though with much trouble of mind That day wherein it was said the City should be destroyed I began to call my self to account what would become of my Soul if it should be so I was almost amazed but did much desire of God that he would give me faith and with the Publican I said Lord I believe help my unbelief I then resolved with my self well I will cast my Soul into the arms of God If I perish I perish And through belief in him I was quieted in my spirit at that time But my sense of peace was soon vailed And I was afterward sore afflicted with the fight of my sin and was fully perswaded that I was an Hypocrite and that all that I did was but for fear of Hell then durst I not be any where alone for fear of the sight of the Devil and if I had been at prayer by my self I durst not open my eyes Thus was I perplexed with fear and perswaded my self I should perish my condition was very bitter to me and I did much labour for a resting place for my Soul And being one day at a Funeral the Minister that preached the Sermon shewed the sufficiency of God and the insufficiency of man and that all good came from God He said that it was as possible for that dead man to put life into himself as for any man to gain the least drop of grace of himself for Faith is the gift of God Then I began to consider with my self and to take notice of the promises of God and I would write them to keep them about me I then being a Hearer at St. M. the Minister was much upon the affairs of the times and I was much troubled about what I heard for I found not my Soul satisfied with that matter When I came home I found that my Soul was not able to live with that food and it pleased the Lord to direct me to hear Mr. Sympson at All-hollows Thames Street and he was setting forth the free grace of God to poor sinners And then I began to reason with my self that surely in putting all mercy from me I did dishonour God for he inviteth all to believe his promises And I read that he saith As I live I desire not the death of a sinner And Christ saith he came to save sinners and that the whole need not a Physitian but those that are sick And God hath promised not to break the bruised reed nor quench the smoaking flax and Christ dyed for the ungodly and God is no respecter of persons And Christ promiseth That whosoever comes unto him he will in no wise cast off When I had considered these and other promises And that place where it is said that without Faith it is impossible to please God then I was earnest with God that he would give me faith and sincerity of Heart And that place did much refresh me I will never leave thee nor forsake thee Yet again after all this the sense of mine own unworthiness did much trouble me and I was greatly grieved that I was so cumbred in the world and began to doubt saying sure I have not chosen the better part For sometimes I should rejoyce and praise God being much satisfied from those places of Scripture which say He hath laid our iniquities on him and he hath laid help on him that is mighty And in another place Ye are saved by grace not of your selves it is the gift of God And We have an Advocate with the Father even Jesus Christ the Righteous And he was made sin for us that keew no sin that we might be made the righteousness of God in him And behold the Lamb of God that taketh away the sins of the World But in a short time I should lose all my sense of comfort and than I had sad thoughts musing what God would do with me In the depth of these conflicts at last that place refreshed me where God saith I the Lord change not therefore ye Sons of Jacob are not consumed Though before I was not satisfied that
my faith was true but doubted that surely I had presumed upon false grounds and was much perplexed yet now it pleased God in the midst of my distress to bring to my mind these words The Spirit saith come and the Bride saith come and every one that will come drink of the water of life freely I said of my self I cannot come But I prayed Lord draw me and I shall run after thee And this word was cast into my Soul by the Lord My grace is sufficient for thee only do thou believe And God hath now wrought faith in me and by the testimony of his Spirit hath sealed his love in Christ to me working in my heart so to love him that I have cast my self wholly upon him H. C. XXXI Experiences of T. R. Mariner AT the Age of two and twenty being in the Streights I was taken by the merciless Turks but the power of the Lord delivered me out of captivity by a miraculous way unexpected The Lord giving me grace to call on him gave me a gracious answer That he would never leave me nor forsake me In the War with France on the Coast of Guinea I was taken by a French Man of War and was greatly afflicted for want of food and raiment and other hardships which they laid on me to have turned to their Catholick Religion yet the Lord still promised me that he would give me a deliverance out of their merciless hands who made good his promise to me in a short time blessed be his holy name After this I went a Voyage to Brasile and our Ship being laden we did intend for Portugal but they detained us a whole year so that our Ship was all eaten with worms and we were fain to keep pumping for nine months but the longer the worse for in our passage homeward we could not tell which death to chuse either to starve or to be drowned for our Victuals was so small that for one year and more we had no bread in our Ship but eat the roots of Trees made into a substance like Oatmeal and for Beef one ounce for a man a day which stunk so that none could have eat it but men in our case for Drink we were glad of a pint of water a day during the time of our passage which was seventeen weeks but in this passage we saw the wonderful works of God for he sent us for three eeks in seasonable times fish called Dolphins sometimes two or three in a day And as we grew within three hundred Leagues of the Coast of Portugal and our Provision near spent only three or four days left and all our men sick and weak and almost starved it pleased God of his great mercy to send us a Ship of Flushing a Man of War who proved to us as Joseph to the children of Israel for they brought us Victuals which saved our lives and after they had taken our Ship they were fain to put on board forty men to keep her from sinking for it pleased God that the next day after we had a violent Storm and a great Sea broke upon her so that we thought she would never have recovered her self again for our goods did shut all to one side and so she was fain to go untill she came to Flushing but we poor creatures were in great peril and danger of our Lives and yet the Lord comforted me by his Promise That he would bring me to shore and would deliver my life from death and my eyes from tears and he hath done graciously with me above my deserts and inabled me above my strength and delivered me aâ— my hope therefore will I praise him without measure and magnifie his name without end Three years after this being on the Coast of Ireland it pleased the Lord to raise a violent Storm and in the morning by the dawning of the day we were so near the Shore that to mans judgment there was nothing but death approaching for we knew no place of that Land by reason of the Fogg and Rain that we had all the day and knew not where to go but as the Lord who is the Pilot of Pilots did carry us untill four a clock at Night which in December is dark and then we came to a great high head-land and a little without that lay a great sand so that we could not go any other way but betwixt them being then past all hopes of life we forced her through the Sea so that it brake over our heads insomuch that we could not tell whether we were in the Sea or the Bark but by our feet and hands for we could not see for the violence of the water only he that was at the Helm And yet in the space of a quarter of an hour we were in a safe place newly taken out of the jaws of death So that I of all men have great cause to be always rendring thanks to my God for his continual and most sweet favours unto me sinful wretched and empty man void of all spiritual goodness Furthermore I being after this in a Ship of 300 Tuns lying on the Coast of Virginia wind-bound the space of seven weeks it pleased God to visit our people with the Pestilential Feaver and the Callenture which is a violent Feaver or Madness at first and we had in our Ship two hundred thirty five Souls at that time and it was the will and pleasure of God that we had a hundred of them sick at one time so that we had but few to look 〈◊〉 â—he sick and were in great want of Provisions yet we knew not whether to go but it pleased God to raise a great Storm so that a great Sea brake into our main Sail and we had two foot water between Decks and our poor sick people cryed out they were drowned but within an hour after by the mercy of God we had fair weather and fair wind and within three or four days God set us safe on Land to our great joy and comfort that before were almost past hopes so that he caused us to say with the Prophet David It was good for me that I was afflicted And yet have another choice mercy to make known of what God hath done for me for he hath now called me out of the world but not out of the Land of the living he hath also opened my eyes and made clear my understanding with Mary to chuse the better part and whatsoever the World or Satan can cast upon me it shall all turn to my good for I know that my Redeemer liveth and him my Soul desires to bless and praise which I trust I shall do till my change cometh as God shall inable me and the Lord strengthen my faith XXXII Experiences of T. G. IT hath pleased the Lord God of his own free mercy and love in Jesus Christ to prevent and keep me ever since I was born from many thousand dangers and yet I like an unruly Creature
had conference with many of the people of God both Preachers and others I was very much strengthened in faith and had an assurance of the love of God in Christ Jesus whereby I did find much comfort to my Soul and since hearing some able Ministers of the Gospel hold forth most precious truths I found much comfort And more particularly Mr. Bridges of Yarmouth opening that comfortable Scripture Psal 41.11 Why art thou cast down O my Soul why art thou disquieted within me trust in God c. His Doctrine was That a godly man had no just cause to be discouraged whatsoever his condition was either the sence of sin or the temptations of Satan or trouble or afflictions that a man had cause to be humbled for the least sin but not to be discouraged at the greatest from trusting in God but to rely upon the Lord by Faith in Christ whatsoever his disincouragements were which hath since caused me to walk in a thankful posture towards God for his unspeakable mercy and It is my great grief that I can be no more thankful seeing I have received so much mercy from God whom I do daily offend which hath made me with Paul to cry out O wretched man that I am who shall deliver me from this body of death But that the next words produce comfort blessed be God through Jesus Christ Yet after this it pleased God to suffer me to fall into a sinful condition by being too confident in my own strength which fall cost me abundance of tears sighs and sobbings of heart even as David said to the breaking and drying of my bones It made me walk sadly for many months together even to despair of any help And seeing I had brought so much dishonour to God and scandal to the Gospel and reproach to the Professors thereof this did much press my soul Considering what a Professor I was before in standing for the glory of God and opposing all gainsayers and for me to fall Oh! this did make such gashes in my soul that the consideration thereof caused me to walk sadly and sorrowfully and with so much shame that I could not indure to go in the streets But that urgent ncessity forc'd me to go out for comfort Then it pleased God by special providence to cast me under Dr. Homes his Ministry and he treated on that subject concerning backsliding out of Jer. 14 v. 7. O Lord though our iniquities testify against us yet do thou it for thy name sake for our back slidings are many c. which Sermon was by the working of the Spirit of God effectual unto me for I was almost under despair before but the Lord was pleased to give me much comfort from this Doctrine That Saints may be guilty of many backslidings yet they should not despair for that was a greater sin The Doctor made this Use That if Saints might break their peace wicked and unregenerate men might break their necks A second use was that a Saint should beware of backsliding and make all speed to go to Jesus Christ for more strength to keep and uphold him for the future This did give me some comfort and caused me to set upon the work of seeking to Jesus Christ more earnestly because Christ told Paul that his grace was sufficient for him I had rested in that little mustard-seed-faith I had before but now it did begin to spring and blossom to the praise and glory of Jesus Christ that he should as it were snatch me as a Brand out of those burnings of Hell and establish my poor soul by his free grace to see all my iniquities laid to the charge of Christ as Isa 53. v. 5. All we like sheep have gone astray we have turned every one to his own way and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquities of us all Which Scripture being opened by a worthy member of that Church Mr. F. it did much strengthen my Faith in the Application when I came to consider First That it was iniquity that the Lord Jehovah laid on Christ Secondly That it was my iniquity that was thus laid on him Thirdly that it was the Lord himself that did lay it on him And Fourthly That the Lord had done it already it was not now to do All these points did much comfort me seeing they were back'd by Scripture and such a caution given by the Apostle Paul Heb. 3.12 saying Take heed lest there be found in you an evil heart of unbelief c. Which is a great sin and plague to any poor Soul this wrought much with me but then applying several other Scriptures to the everlasting praise of Jehovah and to Jesus Christ my Saviour this scripture was produced in Psal 68.16 compared with the Apostles words speaking of Christ Thou hast ascended up on high and led captivity captive and received gifts for men even rebellious ones that the Lord God may dwell amongst them And that of Ezek. 16.7 8 9 10. A prâ—cious Scripture for troubled souls to be meditated on for comfort That a man being in his filth and guilt and all over with blood nay when no eye would pity him that then was a time of love to his soul Oh! mercy and free grace indeed Then again considering The new Covenant to open blind eyes and to bring prisners out of prison to the glorious light and liberty of the sons of God and his proclamation Isa 55. Ho every one that thirsteth come and in that of Joh. 6. v 37. him that cometh to Christ he hath promised in no wise to cast out Though thy sins he as Crimson and Scarlet yea of such a deep dye as that with Paul I may say to be chief of sinners yet it pleased God to give me in refreshment from he same Scripture About two years since Providence cast my Lot at Westminster where I heard Mr. W. and having observed many honest people at hearing of the Word I then sought to the Lord by earnest prayer so to direct me by his blessed Spirit that my only aims might be for his glory the good of others and with comfort to my own soul It pleased the Lord to direct my heart notwithstanding all opposition of Satan and the persuasion of some others to resolve and to break through all opposition and difficulties and to joyn in the worship of the Lord God of our Fathers and to walk in his ways according to the strictest rule of the Gospel of Jesus Christ held forth in his Word M. H. XXXIV EXPERIENCES of L. P. ABout twenty years since I being then with Child was much troubled at some thoughts which God put into my mind touching my conversation which lay so sore and heavy upon me that I could not tell what to do Because I saw though I endeavoured as much as I could to do my duty to my God yet I was not able to live as I should and then I began to know what the worm of conscience meant I
feeling what until then I was ignorant of and the blackness of my spirit was such with the burden of my troubled and afflicted soul that I could not at that time take comfort in any thing and had I not been with child affected with natural inclination to the Babe in my womb I had been in danger had not God prevented me to have destroyed my self for I had some temptations that way but my God strengthened me yet before I was brought to bed I found peace and comfort and through grace had such settlement in my spirit that I could with joy night and day call upon my God believingly but before I attained to this I had many sore conflicts until after some considerations that the Lord had put into my mind as first touching the child that I went with because God hath said The just and innocent slay thou not and then considering the innocency of the child it became a means to stay my hand from laying violence upon my self Yet for a time I was much troubled in spirit till God gave me peace from these and other Scripture promises where the Lord saith Call upon me in the day of trouble and I will deliver thee thou shalt â—lorify me Psal 50.15 Sin shall not have dominion 〈◊〉 you for ye are not under the Law but under grace Rom. 6.14 Now the testimonies of my conversion and true believing in which I hope I have a seal of my Interest in the Lord Iesus are these 1. My love to God which is real sincere and hearty desiring him above any thing else whatsoever 2. My relying upon Jesus Christ having nothing of my own to rest upon I fly to him and rest on him for all as my alone Saviour and Redeemer 3. I delight to read the holy Word of God and to hear or otherwise to partake thereof in which I find much comfort 4. The comfort which I find by inlargement of my soul when God comes in under the means in dutys and the loathnesse I have to be deprived of the Ordinances 5. The Peace I find with my God in my soul which is sweet though not without much heaviness of spirit for my failings I do not live without waines and changes in my Spiritual life and faith towards the Lord for sometimes I trust God with all and at other times I meet with some doubtings yet blessed be God I find them more and more asswaged and my communion with Christ every day more sweet and full 6. I doubt not but the Lord Jesus Christ my Redeemer will so support me through his Grace that what ever my condition hath been or shall be here I shall not fail of salvation through Christ in heaven for ever L. P. XXXV Experiences of F. P. I Have been troubled at the thoughts of my corruptions and wretched condition I have formerly had some doubtings touchings the Scriptures whether they were truth or not but have been since troubled that I made those foolish doubtings to question Gods word and was so wounded in my Conscience for my sin therein that I feared I should be damned for it because I thought it was a sin that God would not pardon I had also strange thoughts about the sinful wayes of ungodly people and considering how loosely people live I and temptations to perswade me that surely there was some easier way to Heaven then the Scriptures had laid down or then I had learnt But for these evil thoughts of mine I have been so afflicted in my spirit that I thought I was a damned wretch I have been tempted by these blasphemous thoughts against the Lord which have so afflicted me that somtimes I feared the Devil would fetch me away and carry me to Hell and I have thought sometimes that surely God could not in justice pardon such sinnes as I have committed I have also been tempted to make away my self but the Lord God put me in mind to consider that it would not give me ease or comfort but be the way to enter into endless miseries And thus I lay afflicted with a most sad trouble some spirit for about a year yet though with little hope from my present sence I had desires that God would save me and some groanings I had after him And in his time which is best I began to find inlargement of heart from God and a great longing for Christ which encreased through the working of his glorious power so that me thought I could have been content to have gone through all the miseries in the World to have enjoyed him And in my sleep I dreamed that I saw my Saviour lying in a Grave and after again I saw him risen from death when I awaked and had some thoughts about my dream I found comfort in my soul and begun more sweetly to hope that Christ Jesus dyed for my sins and is risen again for my justification but the Devil who goes about like a roaring Lyon did still tempt me so that I was again ready to despair for my former evil thoughts and I was afraid that Satan would have me and I doubted that God had no part in me which caused me to weep much and I was exceedingly troubled and sometimes thought that verily I heard the Devil coming in a Whirlwind for me and so terrified was my conscience that from the thoughts of the wrath which I feared I could have wished my self a Beast a Dog or any thing because their misery would have an end But after many comfortable discourses with friends and reading some godly books that came to my hands the Lord God in time delivered me from those temptations and hath since comforted me with these Promises to the great joy of my heart though some times I have not been without some doubtings The Lord hath said Be content with such things as ye have for he hath said I will never leave thee nor forsake thee so that I may boldly say the Lord is my helper Heb. 13.5 6. The Lord saith sin shall not have dominion over you Rom. 6.14 This hath often given me much comfort and kept up my soul when I have been ready to despair And Christ saith I will pray the Father and he shall give you another comforter that he may abide with you for ever even the Spirit of truth John 14.16 17. And I have this testimony of my interest in Christ by faith wrought by his blesstd Spirit in me 1 I see such a frailty in my flesh that except the Lord send his holy Spirit to inable me I cannot do any thing of my duty to God of my self it is the Spirit of the Lord and not any thing in me that is the foundation of my comfort 2. I have had many times if my heart deceive me not clear testimonies and evidences that I love God more than any thing else and desire him above all 3. I desire much to hear the Word and am troubled that sometimes it doth not so
pierce into my heart as I desire 4. I have sometimes such sweet comforts and enlargements in my soul that I find much peace with God thereby which I prize above all things in the world 5. I desire to serve the Lord in all things and am troubled when any thing obstructs those desires 6. I hope for salvation and true blessedness from Jesus Christ my Redeemer and from him alone F. P. XXXVI Experiences of D. C. I Have had great Conflicts of Soul for my sins and against sin and have shed many tears by night and by day I have been much troubled at the consideration of such things as have been at anytime a clog to hinder me from enjoying spiritual Communion with God which I have desired It is the greatest grief I have ever had that I have offended so good a God and indeed my sins have been a very great trouble to me and especially in that God hath given me a measure of knowledge and I have not walked up to it to live according to the light I have received But I have found comfort in God's Promises Christ saith All that the Father giveth me shall come to me and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out John chap. 6. verse 37. Wherefore come out from among them and be ye separate saith the Lord and touch not the unclean thing and I will receive you and will be a Father unto you and ye shall be my Sons and Daughters saith the Lord Almighty The Lord will receive us if we repent and believe and Christ calls Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Matth. 11.28 And as a testimony of my Regeneration I have these Experiences whereby to give account of the hope that is in me 1. That all my desires are chiefly to seek God in Christ 2. I find much comfort in duties to joyn in Ordinances and to partake of the things of God 3. I find my heart really at peace with all the World 4. I believe that the Lord God is at peace with me and will save me for ever through Jesus Christ D. C. Experiences of Mris. Katherine Clark HAving met with the Experiences of this Religious and worthy Gentlewoman in the account of her Life published by her pious Husband Mr. Samual Clark formerly Minister of St. Bennet Fink London which were found written in her own hand after her death and they being so very pertinent to the others aforementioned I thought it might be very useful to insert them without any alteration in her own words When I was but young my Father being at Prayer in his Family I many times found such sweetness and was so affected therewith that I could not but wish that my heart might be oftner in such a frame but Childhood and the Vanities thereof soon cooled these heavenly sparks but my Father who was a Minister caused we to write Sermons and to repeat the same As also to learn Mr. Perkins Catechism which I oft repeated to my self when I was alone and therein I especially took notice of those places wherein he had set down the signs and marks of a strong and weak Faith being convinced in my Conscience that without Faith I could not be saved and that every Faith would not serve turn to bring me to Heaven Hereupon I fell to examination of my self and though I could not find the marks of a strong yet through God's Mercy I found the marks of a true tho' but weak Faith which was some comfort and support to me And that God which began this good work in me was pleased to quicken and stir me up to a diligent use of such means as himself had ordained and appointed for the encrease thereof as hearing the Word Preaching private Duties c. But when I was about seventeen years old my Parents sent me to wait upon a young Gentlewoman in Northamptonshire the only Daughter of Sir W. W. At which time being sent so far from my near and dear Relations and meeting with some other discouragements in the Family thro' want of the Means of Grace which I formerly enjoyed I grew very melancholy I began also to have great workings of Conscience in me and Satan the deadly Enemy to the health and welfare of our Souls who like a roaring Lion walks about continually seeking whom he may devour took this advantage thro' my ignorance of his Devices to raise up fears doubts and terrours of Conscience in me by reason of my manifold sins and for walking so unworthy of God's Mercies whilst I did enjoy them and for being so unfruitful under the Means of Grace and so unable to obey God and keep his Commandments And by reason hereof I had no peace nor rest to my Soul night nor day but was perswaded that all the threatnings contained in the Book of God against wicked and ungodly men did belong to me and were my portion as being one of them against whom they were denounced Insomuch as when I took up the Bible to read therein it was accompanied with much fear and trembling yet being convinced that it was my duty frequently to read God's Word I durst not omit or neglect it Thus I continued a great while bearing the burden of grievous Temptations and inward afflictions of Conscience yet durst I not open the wound nor reveal my condition to any as thinking and judging my case to be like no bodies else But God who is rich in mercy and Jesus Christ who bought his people at so dear a rate would not suffer any of his to be lost and therefore he was graciously pleased to preserve strengthen and uphold me by his own power from sinking into Hell through despair and from running out of my Wits Thus by reason of my continual grief and anguish of heart night and day I was so weakened and changed within the compass of six months that when I came home my dear Parents scarce knew me For some years after her return she for the most part continued in her Fathers Family where by a diligent and consciencious use of the the Means both publick and private she did thrive and grow in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ as she increased in days and years Till she was married to Mr. Samuel Clark to whom in all capacities she was an excellent Wife After her death in a little Book in her Cabinet she gave the former account of her Conversion to God and added many more of her Experiences to this effect I here set down Gods graeious dealings with me not for my own praise but for the Glory of God and to stir up my heart unto true thankfulness for such unvaluable mercies And I have had many experiences of Gods gracious dealings with me at several times under afflictions 1. When Personal afflictions have lain upon me in respect of bodily sickness or Spiritual Distempers 2. In family afflictions
my God will hear me Mich. 7.7 And I have found much comfort in applying several promises to my Soul As Matth. 5.4 Christ saith Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted As God hath given me a mourning Spirit for my sins so I believe that in his time I shall be comforted and I have tasted I bless God of the comforts of his Spirit in my Soul Isaiah 55.1 The Lord saith Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters and he that hath no mony come ye buy and eat yea come buy wine and milk without mony and without price As the Lord hath made my Soul to thirst for him so I doubt not but to find him And the Lord says Ezek. 33.11 As I live I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked but that the wicked turn from his way and live I thank God my heart and soul is turned from all things and is only after the Lord. And in a special manner I have found sweet evidences of my faith and interest in God through Christ I had lately much comfort from a Sermon preached by Mr. Strong who shewed that afflictions did not make us low in the sight of God though before men as also from the words at a conference by Mr. V. That in the World we shall have tribulations but in God rest And 1. I do clearly find that my love is more set upon God than upon any thing 2. I could more willingly leave the world now than ever before and I could willingly dye if God saw it good in the mind I am 3. I find in my heart that I do so cast my self upon God that I have peace with him 4. In times of doubtings I find comfort that I have a God to call upon and I find much peace in my mind in returns from God 5. I do always find when any evil thoughts arise a power from God which subdues them so that I never willingly give way to them 6. I find my affections ready to go forth both to duties and in duties to God and when I come to them with little affection yet I bless God I find a great deal of comfort usually before I go away 7. I find the most comfort to my spirit is when I am weeping for my infirmities or at prayer or duties in publick or private and methinks I find such joy in them that I could dwell there having no comfort in the world like that 8. I find in my heart a real love to all if any have wronged me I desire no revenge but that I may be at peace with all 9. Whatsoever I find to be a truth from God and a motion of his Spirit I find in my soul a willingn submitting to it A. A. XXIII Experiences of E. C. ABout 16. years of Age though I did not understand the Word yet I had a great desire to go to hear because they served God therin that did sâ— knowing that there is a God that ought to be served And I sat in corners studying what way I might come to God if I should dye having a very grear affection wrought by the Lord upon my spirit praying as well as I could that my self and my Father and Mother and Friends might go to God when we dye And I was very much set upon duties thinking to find God there but afterwards lived in a Family where I was much hindred from the Ordinances or partaking of any thing of God which was a great grief unto me Yet sometimes I had thoughts towards worldly things pondering how to be rich or fine as others but God wrought in my heart a remorse to check those temptations And frequently the Lord laid some affliction or other upon me to wean me the more from such vain thoughts which brought my heart into a very sad condition many times and sometimes I have wept day and night And at other times through grief that I could not sorrow enough I have fallen into a great measure of weeping After I had lived in several other Families where I had little comfort About twenty years since hearing Mr. F. and Mr. P. on Lords-days I was much comforted and also by Mr. Marshall and others and from the consideration of the Love of God in Christ and the sufferings of Christ for us as also of the Woman that did but by Faith touch the hem of Christs garment how she was comforted and healed and I had much comfort in private meetings But about five years since seeing my other Neighbours many of them flourish and prosper in the World more than I I began to doubt that I did but play the Hypocrite and that perhaps they did pray more at home than I though I knew some of them went less to the publick Ordinances I was very much troubled at this and thought with my self Lord shall I still lye at the Pool and find no body to put me in that I may be healed and I was much troubled because many of my Neighbours hated me for frequenting private meetings And for above a month I spent much time in private prayer and often in the night upon my Bed and went to hear only on the Lords-days But then I had thoughts upon me that it was not pleasing to God to pray unto him upon a soft Bed Then the Lord put it in my heart that he had promised That where two or three are met together in my name that I will be in the midst of them This caused me to go again as I had done before to hearing of Sermons on week-days But still I found many reasonings and doubtings upon my spirit whether I was elected or not and was much cast down many times about it and had some temptations to despair fearing that such a sinner as I could not be saved Yet I had comfort in this that though I was a sinner God by his Spirit had mortified me And though I am not so good as I should be yet through the power of grace I am not so bad as the flesh would be and finding much of the testimony of Gods Spirit upon my heart I had great hope that I had marks and tokens of my believing One night having for about half a years time before used to go to Bed before I prayed being in Bed and thinking to pray to God I had strange temptations upon me to put God out of my mind and I could not speak a word nor scarce think of God and if I did in some intervals I could not name God or Christ nor speak a word to God for the present And Satan then seemed to appear to me in a most ugly shape laughing and jeering at me which did much affright me and I feared that I had played the Hypocrite with God and now should run mad to make good what some haâ— reproachfully cast upon me that I was an Hypocrite and I was rising out of my Bed but it pleased the Lord to