but Jesus Christ made my faith to fight against it but it was very sad and bitter to me and after I was buffeted God made me see the vilenesse of sinne and sinful thoughts and made me in his strength resolve against all sin and to hate it and to walk colsely with my God and chuse rather to offend all the world then commit the least sinne and to lose all and suffer all miseries rather then commit the least sin For God can make ones own heart and conscience a hell to one and ones bed and all ones comforts bitter as death And I desire to prize mercy and close walkings with God to lie down and rise up with him and to pitty others This precious experience and lesson God taught me by that affliction as by many other and drave sin and vain thoughts from me in some measure making Christ sweet and fulfilling his Word in Rom. 6.14 and Rom. 8.28 My God doth give me sweet experience of the growth of grace in my soul and all from the virtue of Christs blood Before this Sacrament my preparations were not so great as they should have been but my God did drive me from resting on any thing in my self and brought me to him without money and without price and gave me sweet assurance of the truth of the work of grace on my heart I love him because he loved me first and with his loving kindnesse did he draw me This Sabbath when I went to the Sacrament I saw my preparation small and my thoughts not so sweet as they should but my heart desiring the Lord to order my thoughts aright and act my graces in singing part of the 23 Psalm before morning Sermon God sweetly melted me in some measure with some teares of love and after did as it were sweetly take me by the hand set me down at his table and comfortably intimated it was my portion and so I sat under his shadow with great delight and his fruit was sweet unto my taste and God did act my faith to take Christ and pardon sanctification mortification in his bloud and sealed deliverance from temptations by his body broken and bloud shed and all the fruits thereof some effects I had afterward and the Word was sweet and I came home rejoycing and resolving to live and die to and for and with God giving my self for ever to him to live and move all in him and by him to rest upon his word and promise and expect to live by him according to it I desire to have such a day again to receive Christ I was many wayes failing all is free grace God doth all that is good in me for I am a hell by nature but I have found most precious vertue in the blood of Jesus Christ that it hath in some measure meekened my spirit and overcome wicked thoughts in me Next Sacrament I was failing in my preparation and acting of my graces and was troubled I had no more light of Gods countenance and my corrupt nature was apt to rise but God kept it down and afterward taught me these lessons by it 1. That sin was not so bitter to me nor so bitterly bewailed by me as it ought the more bitter sin is the sweeter is Christ 2. That God would have me prize Ordinances to enjoy Christ but not to rest upon them 3. That I should live by faith and not by sence yea though there be no sence 4. That Gods loving countenance is better then life and that God would have me depending and contented with whatsoever he will give O that I could learn and practise these lessons which were precious fruits of the Ordinances This Sacrament I was failing in my meditation examination and excitation and my dead heart much hindred me in the service of the living God but the Lord brought me to his table with some assurance it was my portion and I sat under his shadow and he acted my graces I desire to magnifie free grace and to expect strength from him to do it according to the Covenant sealed in his bloud This Sacrament I had some sweet actings of faith above sence and assurance that God was my father and his power and wisdom would order all things for my good This Sacrament though I did not mourn for my sins that did slay my Saviour nor act sacramentall repentance as I ought yet by faith I received Jesus Christ and came home with some comfort and had some softnesse of heart I had sweet expeâ—ience of my Gods answering my prayer in the very thing I desired This Sacrament though I did not receive so much of Christ as I desired yet I had some sweet effects of his blood in resolving in his strength not to give way to unbelief nor sin and desiring to come again to his Ordinance This day I was at a fast and God came sweetly in and melted my heart and made his promise good that they that wait on him shall renew their strength God sweetly answered my 〈…〉 mercy for one of my children This day I did receive Jesus Christ in the Sacrament and came home rejoycing and assured my sinnes were pardoned and that Christ could as well be pulled out of heaven as I pulled from Christ I renewed my Covenant I gave my self to my God for his service for ever This Sacrament I did receive Jesus Christ and sweet influence from him and I desire to honour him in all things for ever in my soul body estate will affections and all I and all I have are his and to be at his ruling in all things at all times These are fruits of Christs bloud I desire to bear about the world with me the dying of the Lord Jesus and to be crucified to the world by his crosse and to do and suffer for him and endeavour the good of others souls and I found my inward man much strengthened and sin weakned This Sacrament God gave me some resolutions but I had not much comfort This Sacrament I had sweet assurance that my sins should be destroyed I kept a fast day by my self to seek help from God in the great strait I was in for no power but his could help me out and deliver me The Lord did graciously assist me and afterward I kept a fast in private with others about it my heart was out of fraâ—e and very heâ—vy and perplexed but God came in and melted and made the duty very sweet and at night a sweet quiet and believing waiting frame came upon my spirit God answered my prayer sweetly and particularly That text in 1 Cor. 10.13 the Lord made good to me I resolved to keep a fast by my self and humble my soul before the Lord and poure out my complaint before him and seek strength from him God sweetly encouraging me with many Scriptures and melted my heart oft pouring it into his bosome and drew me out of my self into Jesus Christ Again I kept a fast by my self to seek
her Family ordering and taking care thereof and them in it and herself imployed about something or other of the same when she was not in her spirituall converses with the Lord or taken off by other occasions She considered well both her husbands estates and freed them from the incumberances for her children whom she much endeavoured to make the children of God in bringing them up in his nurture and admonition and keeping divers days of fasts by her self to seek the Lord for them in which and divers other respects they could not but arise and call her blessed and give we her of the fruit of her hands and let her own work praise her in the gates As her life so her death was full of grace and comfort the Lord strengthened her upon her bed of languishing and made all her bed in her sicknesse when she was walking through the valley of death she feared no evil her God was with her his rod and his staffe they comforted her and ministred to her an enterance abundantly into the everlasting Kingdome of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ Though her paines and tortures were great the Physitians applying cupping glasses to her and lancing her yet the Lord did comfortably lift up the light of his countenance upon her and put gladnesse in her heart and made her patience have its perfect work she was full of heaven breaking forth in expressions of Gods goodnesse to her saying God hath been very good to me how good is God and how good it is to wait upon God there hath not the least cloud interposed between God and my soul all this sicknesse I will go to my God triumphing Thus with gladnesse and rejoycing was she carried to enter into the Kings Pallace into the joy of her Lord where there is fullnesse of it and pleasures for evermore O mark we the perfect behold we the upright for the end of such is peace No marvail that even Balaam in the sence hereof did so desire to die the death of the righteous and that his end might be like theirs and well had he done if he had withall desired his life alike For ever magnified be my good God who hath determined the times before appointed and the bounds of our habitations that caused the lines to fall unto me in such a pleasant place so long even six years in the same family with her and that I should be chosen and ordained a Pastor to her and the people there at Hawkherst That ever I was so acquainted with such an eminent practicall experimentall spiritual staid believer abounding so much with the graces and sealings and joyes of the holy Ghost That I should have such a taste of that happinesse and delight that is in the society of reall Saints How did I live as in a lower heaven walking as in Paradise whilst I was there rejoycing in the goodnesse of the Lord all the day long calling the wals salvation and the gates praise what sweet experiences of Christ had I frequently communicated to me from her How greatly did she stâ—engtheâ— my hands in the Lords work in the middest of all the opposition among that people the righteous God recompence it and all the work and labour of love she shewed towards his name unto me into the bosome of heâ— children seven fold as likewise alâ— I found from my much honoured long deceased friend Mr. Scot heâ— husband in his day whose memory is very precious to me O unhappy Engagement that so disengaged us from one another and that people there The Lord is righteous and his wayes also mercy and truth his pathes are judgment a God of truth and without iniquity just and right wonderfull in counsel excellent in working Wisdome and might are his he changeth time and seasons making every thing beautifull in them manifold are his works in wisdome hath he made and done them all the earth is full of his riches whatsoever he pleaseth that doth he in heaven and in the earth and in all deep places We are not to murmure and say what is the cause the former dayes were better then these for we may not wisely inquire concerning this yet unsensible we should not be of such a losse and breach as this is like the sea who can heal it whereunto shall I liken and compare it that such a burning and shining light should go out amongst us such a fixed star a star of the first magnitude should seâ—â— our horizon How hath the Lord covered those parts with a cloud in his anger and cast down the beauty of them to the ground how is the gold become dimme and the most fine gold changed how is the precious daughter of Zion and the glory of those parts departed For these things I weep mine eye mine eye runneth down with water Oh that my head were waters and mine eyes a fountain of teares that I might weep day and night even with the weeping of Jazer yea mourn with a great mourning as the mourning of Hadadrimmon in the valley of Megiddon for good Josiah when he was taken away Oh dolor exprome vires non sum solito contentus sone neâ— indociles lugere simus Scotam â—â—emus Ye Ministers of Christ weep over her that was such a cordiall constant prizer of you O Weal of Kent take up a wailing for her the brightest star in all your firmament is set O Hawkherst make a bitter lamentation for her whose coming among you was like the rain upon the mown grasse as shoures that water the earth O poor of those parts and Houlbourn and elsewhere set upon the ground and keep silence cast dust upon your heads gird your selves with sackcloth hang down your heads to the ground arise cry out in the right in the beginning of the watches pour out your hearts like water before the face of the Lord â—ift up your hands towards him who hath taken her away from you that did not with hold you from your desire nor caused your eyes to fail that did not eat her morsel herself alone and you did not eat thereof that did not see you without covering or perish for want of clothing whom your eares have blessed when heard her and your eyes have given witnesse to her when seen her and your loines have rejoyced when warmed by her and ye widows whose hearts she hath made to sing for joy when she saâ— as Queen among the mourners O Hungarian Scholars call for the mourning women and send for cunning women that they may come and let them make haste and take up a wailing for you that your eyes may run down with teares end your eye lids gush out with water for a great Patronesse of yours is gone Sir I am not yet out of my amazement by this great and suddain blow to perceive the end of the Lord. In respect of her self it is happinesse not suffering her to be longer absent from him here in the body having with her swift
would then give if she had been in hast and gone by any poor people and saw they did not beg she would send her servant sometimes with something to them whilst she kept on her way She would not walk London streets long but one or other would come to her begging for an almes and she would ask her servant if he knew them to be common beggers if he thought no she would be sure to give At Lectures if she saw any that were old or in poor habit attending the word then she would be sure to give them In cold seasons when it was hard with poor people she would be alwaies a speaking of the sufferings of the poor that had no fire or scarce any bread much sympathizing with them asking her servant if he knew any that it went hard with that she might relieve them sending her benevolence her charity was so well known that seldome a day if at home but she had petitions from one or other for the same many under the notion of distressed Ministers because they knew they should receive the greater almes and that they might be sure not to misse of the same they would get a testimoniall of their godly lives sufferings and necessitys with the names of some godly Ministers she knew or had heard of and then hath she given the more when she thought their condition real but give it so privately her self as none should know how much but the receivers None that came with petitions did go away without almes unlesse she had known they had come the second time having bin relieved before many a time have her servants gone up to her chamber or when she was at dinner with a paper or petition they knowing when best to find her at home she would ask them if they knew them fit objects of charity but let the answer be I or no she would send them down something if she could not go down her self saying she would rather give to them that had no need then send one empty away that had sending them down word if they had counterfeited other mens names they would very much wrong themselves as sometimes we could perceive they abused her charity and grew so subtile that they would indite Letters punctually to her by name they having their almes according to their demerit Her charity was exceeding much amongst all the poor people at Hawkherst in Kent where her house was where she was many summers since she used to be in London the winters they have all cause to remember how many have had relief at her door Seldom a Lords day but eighteen had relief there she would exhort those poor to serve God and ask them if they had been at Church those dayes and if they had not they should have nothing which caused some of them to go the oftner for they would be sure to tell one of another and not a day in the week but many of them came and had relief at noon and at nights Sir more I could relate but Mr. Case spake of them in his Sermon and therefore shall proceed no further in these particulars wherein also it may be well said She exceeded many daughters that have done virtuously It pleased the Lord to fill her concluding days with many troubles and abundance of businesse it was wonderfull the trouble and the many businesses she had and how chearfully she went through them and how eminently the Lord appeared to be with her in carrying her through all and making whatsoever she took in hand to prosper Since she came out of the country last she scarce had any time to visit her friends this winter which I never knew before but spending her time much with God Indeed her life was a continual motion never idle in the least either in her closet or with her family in performing religious dutys or reading or writing or going to Lectures and fasts or giving instructions concerning houshold affaires she being now house-keepper in London also as well as in the Countrey to ease the Lady her Mother in her ancient years which she did never before in London though alwaies in the Countrey till this last winter O what a losse hath her friends yea what a losse hath the Church of God and hundreds of poor people whose bowels she refreshed But now she is gone before where her soul long desired to be The Lord help us to make after and not to wish for her again or that she had not dyed Why should we be so foolish it will not avail and why so sinfull and so impudent as to contradict God he saw it best to remove her hence and why should we wish her back again she is triumphing in heaven over the world sinne and Satan singing Alleluja unto Him that sitteth on the Throne and unto the Lamb for ever and ever She is among the spirits of just men made perfect and the innumerable company of holy angels and with the great God the judge of all and with the blessed Jesus the Mediator of the new Covenant and with the holy Ghost the Comforter in the large fruition of the beatificall vision where is fulnesse of joy and pleasures for evermore and why should I wish her from such glorious company and transcendent blisse as never eye hath seen nor ear heard neither hath entered into the heart of man to which mercy 's the Lord in his due time bring us by the merits of his dear Son and our Saviour Jesus Christ Sir These six Heads which I have here sent you are what my friend writ who hath known her many years Yours affectionately to serve you in Christ NICOLAS THOROWGOOD FINIS Errata Pag. 79. lin 19. for Landherst r. Sandherst p. 118. l. 12. dele comma after shop