that I vittaile my paunch well aforehand A Passenger at sea feeling his stomacke rise sayd to the maister of the ship I pray holde still the ship a while til I vomite A ship sayling toward Peru a mighty storme arose and endangered it Wherupon the Captaine charged euery man to throw into the sea the heauiest thing he could best spare to the ende to lighten somewhat the ship A passenger that had his wife there offred then to throw her ouer boord but the company rescued her And being asked what he ayled so to doe he answered She is the heauiest thing I haue and I can best spare her One counsailed his friend to passe along by sea from Newcastle to London affirming that with a good wind he might arriue there both soner then by land with half the charge Th' other answered No I list not ride vpon a horse that goes an end and that I cannot alight off him at all seasons when I list my selfe A waterman affirmed that all boates were females And his reason was because folke vse to enter into them A ship being by mischaunce set on fyre vpon the coast of Peru and past all recouery a souldiour threw himselfe into the sea and said Some rost some sod A Fishmonger in a tempest at sea seeming to feare drowning The Mariners asked him whether he fear'd to be eaten of Fishes He answered No rather may Fishes fear me One praying his friend to lend him his cloake The other answered Seing it raines not what need yee er'e a cloake and if it should raine why then should I need it my selfe OF POLITITIANS A Polititian wonted to say Who so deceiues me once God forgiue him If twise God forgiue him and God forgiue me But if thrise still God forgiue him but ner'e forgiue me One vsed to say that men now a dayes make more of all things then our forefathers did all but our graues One would needs prooue that men now a dayes are wiser then men of old time and his reason was Because they could remedy euill but only with good but men now adayes can remedy one mischiefe with another One vsed to say That it is alwayes good to misse a friend before he be missing One vsed to say Better be poore at the beginning then at the latter ending Philip Duke of Burgundie was woonted to say Of great personages speak neither good nor bad For if thou speake good of them happily thou belieâ—t them if euill thou maist repent it A Polititian alwayes wisht his enemie these three aduantages viz. A iust plea in law to loue such as wish him ill and to win at the beginning of play A polititian aduising a yoong Gentleman to deale doublie and dissemble twentie maner of faces in the affaire hee had in hand He answered I list not slaue my â—elfe to so many faces for that one good face is both better worth and a great deale easier to represent A Polititian aduising a wel disposed person to counterfeit a patient behauiour toward such a ones extreame rudenesse seeing he was likely in time to receiue some benefite at his handes if he please him well Th' other answered I list not slaue my selfe to aduantages The Italians vse to say De che me â—lo me guarde Iddio De châ— no me fio me guardare Io That is A fained friend God shield me from his danger For well I 'le saue my selfe from foe and stranger OF SVTE AND SVTERS ONe Henrie Goldingham that had long sued to her Maiestie for her Signe to his graunted suite and her Maiestie still saying that she had no pen and inke at hand to doe it at last he humbled his Bill to her highnesse foote and said May it then please your Maiesty but to step your royall foot heerupon and I my selfe will then warrant it for good Her Maiestie so well liked of such his merrie conceipt that presentlie calling for pen and inke did daigne to signe it The Cardinall Don Pedro Gonzales being 80. yeares old a seruiâ—or of his as old or rather older then himselfe besought him of the Alcaldeship of Canales an office which was latelie fallen into his graunt Wherunto the Cardinall answered that hee was sorie he had spoken so late forasmuch as hee had already granted it to another promising that the next that fell he should haue it without all faile Oh my good Lord reply'd the seruitor but what thing in this worlde can sooner fall voide then your Grace or I An Italian Captaine in the Low-cuntries besought the Duke of Parma of an vnreasonable sute which the Duke refused him and he humbly thanked his Altez therfore Wherat his friends and fellowes by marueyling he said Euen humble thankes for that his Excellence hath so speedily dispatcht me A yoong Nobleman in Spaine suing a Duke for his Dutchie in the midst of all his law fell in loue with a very mean Gentlewoman whose name was Blanke and married her foorthwith Wherat his father was in a great chafe and said The foole suing for a Dukedome would he be pleasd with a Blanke A poore man was an humble suter to a Gentleman who said vnto him I pray thee fellow be gone for thy breath stinks miserablie of garlike He answered Not I Sir happily it is my sute that stinks vnto you A Gentleman passing along vnder his Mistresse window she chanced spitting out therat to spit vpon him and foorthwith perceiuing her amisse crau'd pardon of him therfore who answered Forsooth Lady a Fisher-man wets and dables himselfe all day long and perchance catcheth but shrimps in the end and I to catch so faire a Trout as you doe you thinke I can loth so slight a deaw Faith no. A reuerend person besought a largesse of a Prince for a friend of his and the Prince refus'd it him he neuertheles stil entreated it would not be til at last humbling himself vpon his knee at the princes foot with much entreatie he obtain'd it A many gentlemen standing by condemn'd such his too much basenes considering his grauitie and wisdom told him that he had therin greatlie discredited his reuerence magnanimitie He answered That is not my fault Gentlemen but the princes whose eares as you see are in his heeles One besought a Iudge for iustice and thus he said My good Lord wheras the iniurie that such a one hath done me is verie hell Now howsoeuer it shall please your L. to end the matter I will accompt it heauen OF GAME AND GAMESTERS A Lady had an vnthriftie son and she being to take water on a time and seeing the billowes rough and the winde high â—aid vnto him Son if I drowne to day I praye thee play not away my cloathes till I be buried One vsed to say that dice and purging pilles were of like nature â—or that a litle of th' one purgeth a mans panch throughly and as litle of the other a mans purse One dispraisd Dice and said that Dicers
said A way with that Villaine see where he is come disguised in greene The Emperour Nero hearing that his predecessor Claudius was related among the Gods and knowing that he died of a poysoned Sallade said I had not thought that sallades had beene the food of the Gods OF NOBLEMEN AND Ambassadors DON Iohn first Duke of Medina Sydonia being aduertisd by his Treasurer that his expences were most excessiue and his gifts all to liberall he answered I will haue the glorie of my house known to the world not by possessing much treasure but by expending much treasure Don Fredericke of Tolledo Duke of Alua being besought vnto by a poore widdow Gentlewoman to prefer with his liberality her daughter in marriage he was easily inclined so to do Wherupon he willed his treasurer to giue her an hundred Marks The Treasurer mistook the Duke gaue her an hundred poundes who shortly after comming to giue vp his accompts to his L. this hundred pounds came then in sight wherunto the Duke excepted and said Why I awarded but one one hundred Markes The Treasurer had then no other shift but to say that his eares mistooke his Honors pleasure Nay replide the Duke rather do I thanke God that he hath affoorded thee better eares then me a good tongue and so he past the accompt for currant A plaine Countrey-man came to demaund iustice of the Lord high Constable of Castile and thus he said I am come to craue Iustice of your Worship I beseech your Excellence to dispatch me for I am a poore man my Lord and vnlesse your Reuerence fauour my case I am vtterly vndone I pray your good Mastership to bee good to mee and I will truly pray God to blesse your Alteze whiles I liue The Constable hereat broke foorth a laughing and saide This poore Swaine will be sure to hit me either high or lowe The said Lord Constable of Castile lying on his death-bed his Treasurer came vnto him besought him to forgiue him the value of xi hundred pounds wherof he had defeated him in his former accompts I doe said the Constable and I wish it were twentie millions more that I might as frely forgiue thee â—t all as I pray God to forgiue me all The Fortresse of Buitrago by negligence was set on fire and burnt downe to the ground the Duke of Infantasgo being therof Lord The Captaine of the place was the first man that brought the Duke newes of the mischance beseeching his Altez that seeing it hapned through his meere default he would seuer his detested head from his shoulders for an example to all carelesse Captains euer after Then the Duke asked him whether his nettes and toyles which he had there for Deere were also perished with the fire he answered No my Lord they are safe That 's well said the Duke As for the Fortresse I tell theeCaptaine take no care for I did mean to haue rased it long agoe A poore Gentleman of the country had bred vp a horse to the perfection of a daintie good one in so much that he made accompt to be a great gainer therby and vpon diligent inquirie after a good Copesmate hee vnderstood that the Duke of Infantasgo would out of doubt giue him more for him than any in all the country besides so greatly that Duke delighted in choyse of good horses To him then this Gentleman needes would with his horse and trauelling on the way the weather being extreame hot and the horse no lesse fat and foggie with ouer much former ease fell downe and died The Gentleman neuertheles got the horse flayed and carried the skin to shew the Duke and said vnto him Your Honor may iudge by this skin what a goodly horse it was and God is my Iudge my L. I was bringing him to offer vnto your Lordship before all others Gramercy said the Duke But tel me what did you value the horse at Beleeue me my Lord he answered not vnder an hundred pounds could haue bought him of me With that the Duke commaunded his Treasurer to giue the poore Gentleman two hundred poundes and saide vnto him I giue you these two hundred poundes as a charge that through your default you neuer suffer any so gallant horse miscarrie any more so mischanceablie vnder your hands Sir Thomas Moore woonted to say that a Lyer as a Lyer resembled counterfeit Coyne and in his other vices is like to light Coyne A Pick-thanke told Don Lopez de Haro that such a one had greatly misused him in tearmes behind his backe aduising him to reuenge the iniurie highly Wherunto Don Lopez answered Now I giue God thankes that though he be able to speak â—ll of me yet hath he not the power to hurt me The Earle of Vrenia meeting an Archbishoppe in the street saluted him with all due reuerence And the Prelate but slightlie resaluted him touching only his hat brim Which the Earle noting stepped to one of his Gentlemen and tolde him It seemes your Lord is either balde mangie or earelesse that he dares not venture off his hatte for feare belike to haue it seene The Earle of Vrenia being to send a letter to a faire Lady was desirous to make proofe of the bearers suâ—ficiency as concerning his due performance of the ceremony thereunto belonging And he called vnto him a newe page of his and said Sirra I am to send you foorth with with a letter to a very faire Ladie let me see how well you can doe your message imagine that I am she and heere hold the Letter and get you gone out at yonder doore and then come in againe and lâ—t me heare what you will say The Page tooke the letter went foorth and came in againe and being come somwhat neere the Earle he doft his hat and downd his knee and kissed the Letter and gaue it him saying Madam my Lord of Vrenia greets your Ladiship hath sent you this Letter The Earle at this instant his hand was in his codpiece and stood stooping thus he answered Welcome my Lad how fareth my Lady the Countesse The Page answered Well like your Honor And the Earle how fareth his L. what is he now a doing He answered My Lord is likewise wel Madam his hand in his codpeece all to bescratching somewhat A poore Gentleman seldome dined from the Earle of Vrenia his boord It chaunced in a forenoone that a tumult arose in the Earles Pallace the Gentleman not being yet come but anon after he came for it was dinner time Whom the Earle seeing sayd vnto him Sir you are welcome though resembling the Smithes dog euermore awake at meale and asleepe at the Anuill The Earle of Vrenia asked one that came from the Court what was reported of him there Who answered Neither good nor bad my Lord that I could heare With that the Earle commanded him to be throughly blowe-basted and beaten and then afterward gaue him fiftie Duckets saying Now maist thou report of Vrenia both good
hereat answered the good Bishop but rather well weighing with your selfe what is the true dignitie and dutie of a pastor woonder at the manie good duties I doe omit A Spanish Bishop riding on the way saw a shepheard sunning himselfe vnder a banke and thus he bespake him I maruel much shepheard that shepheardes now a daies are not like as they were in times past when there were of them great Prophets and great kinges in the world and to them it was that the Angel first denounced the natiuitie of our sauiour Iesus Christ afore all others Oh Sir answered the shepheard neither are Bishops nowe a dayes like to those good ones of olde time at diuers of whose deathes the belles did ring of themselues and nowe can scarce be made to tolle but with many mens strength A Bishop sent halfe a dozen of Capons to an Abbot and the bearer eat one of them to his dinner by the way Now when th' Abbot had red the Bishops letter which certified that he had sent him sixe Capons he then said vnto the messenger My lad I pray thee tell my Lord Bishop I humblie thanke his Lordship for fiue Capons and as for the sixth giue thou him thanks for it thy selfe A Bishops Chaplaine helping his Lord on with his Rochet and being somwhat long a drawing on the sleeues Why when said the Bishop me thinks you are very tedious about this geere And like your Grace he answered your sleeues are verie straight Verie straight indeed reply'd the Bishop for wel I wot full twentie yeares haue I traueiled to get them on and till this present time could I neuer attaine to doe it In a solemne festiuitie which was holden at Guadalajara in Spaine two Gentlemen appeared to the multitude in Clergie attire to discharge vnto them some Church-merriment and being demaunded in a Bishops name who was there present who they were We are quoth they two Archdeacons of the Church of Vtica and so tell your Lord The saide Bishop being prelate of that place Bishop Gardener being depriued of his Bishoprick one thus saluted him in derision Farewell Bishop olimâ— He answered Gramercie Knaue semper Lord Cromwell reproching Bishop Gardener being depriued of his Bishopricke by the King said Where is now Sir Bishop al your Gloria patri become He answered Euen as it hath pleased the King my Liege Neuerthelesse sicut erat in principio so am I stil my Lord as good a gentleman as your selfe A Chanonrie of the Church of Cuencae was fallen into the Bishops graunt and a certaine scholler who had before time translated out of Latine into Spanish the vaine workes of Tostado became an humble suter to the Bishop for it which the Bishop deny'd him saying It is no creame to be eaten with Tostados viz. Tostes One besought a worshipfull Gentleman to be a means for him to a Bishop to forgiue him a certaine dribbling debt The Gentleman answered His power is to bind not to loose One Frier Rapiero a famous preacher had a pettie Bishopricke bestow'd vpon him in th'Ile of Corsica And one pittying his no higher preferment said Alas it is too small a pommell for such a Rapier The Cardinall Don Alonso Cartillio enioyn'd his Iester to bring him at euery moneths end a cronicle of al merrie matters that had happened in the meane time The Cardinall within a while after entertained an Alcumist to whome being but newlie come hee deliuered a thousande Crownes to goe to Toledo to buy him all maner of implements belonging to that Arte. In which meane time he called for his foresaid Cronicler to know what occurrents were befallen that moneth Then the Iester among other fooleries read vnto him what a monstrous follie he himselfe had committed to trust a stranger with a hundred crownes whom happily he should neuer see more Wherunto the Cardinall answered But what if hee doe come againe how then Mary then reply'd the Cronicler will I put you out and put him in your place A Physitian had a big fat Bishop in cure who was somewhat distempered with a lightnesse in his head And the Physitian comming forth of his bed-chamber in a morning a Gentleman met him at the doore asked him how my Lord did Who answered Would my Mule were halfe so well A Pick-thanke telling a Prelate that such a Gentleman had highlie slandered him in publike and therwithall aduising him to reuenge it in a verie high degree He answered And wherefore I pray ye then serue these wordes of Christ Mihi vindictam ego retribuam Cardinall Medices now Duke of Florence seeing certaine Iewes walke Sabothly vpon a Satterday in his faire garden on Mount Trinitie in Rome commanded them in despight of such their Satterday-sabboth to bee imployed all that day in seruile worke in his said garden and at night made them a liberall supper of good cheere Amongst which he caus'd minc'd Porke to be set afore them so cunningly disguis'd and besauc'd that vnwittingly they fell to it and eat therof contrarie to their superstitious pork-opinion in that point And after they had supt paid them a large day-wages and so dismist them They at parting being told of the disguiz'd pork they had eaten were stark mad and whereas before they held themselues guilty only of their seruile labour that day it being their Sabboth day nowe were they outragious testie at both together And in a full stomacke of detest flung downe their wages and would none of it But to their Synagogue they hy'd them and there told their Rabbin of all the premisses Whereupon he forthwith excommunicated the Cardinall and deeply accursed him to the pit of hell in full congregation Which he vnderstanding went the next day to Pope Pius quintus and in jest told him all the storie as aforesaid concluding with the Rabbins excommunication and accurse against him And withall merrily besought the Pope to release him thereof The Pope tooke it in a farre other sence and greatlie rebuked the Cardinall therefore affirming that he had done a verie scandalous act so to force the conscience of a Iew they not being sheep of Christs fold and therfore without the libertie of his Crozier to pastorize much lesse to enforce in matter of religion So saying he enioyn'd him a very seuere penance both personall and pecuniarie OF PRIESTES AND FRIERS A Sillie Frier came to a Doctor of Toledo and tolde him that hee thought he had incurr'd irregularitie for saying to his Asse by the way as he accompaned certaine prisoners to execution Haight beast and on a Gods name supposing that by reason therof he had so much the soner brought the poore prisoners to their endes To whome the Doctor answered In reparation of that irregularity you must seeke out the said Asse againe and as often as you saide then vnto him haight beast or on a Gods name so often say vnto him nowe Hoe beast faire and softlie a Gods name A Parson demaunded of his Vicar the rent
basket capable of the one halfe there are iust two baskets-ful The Emperour Charles being present at a Bull-bayâ—ing with dartes a couple of Gallantes brauely mounted shewed themselues most forward in the game which the Emperour noting ask'd his Iester what hee thought of them who answered They shall euen perish both together as did S. Philip and S. Iames. And indeed it fell out so that the Bull ouerthrew them both from their horses and left them there for dead A couetous Earle came to salute the Emperour Charles and his Iester seeing him still pointed to him and saiâ— to the Emperour Este es conde Este es Conde viz. this is the Earle this is the Earle Esconde signifying also in Spanish to hide or to hoord vp The foresaid Iester was stab'd to death by a Courtier for his ouer insolent mis-demeanour towards him And as he was a carrying home to his lodging accompaned with a great multitude of people at last his wife espy'd him out at the window said Alas my deer husband what is it he Oh what a piteous sight doe I see The Iester ouer-hearing her answered Nay nay wife no great matter wife only they haue slaine your husband The said Iester being at the point of death another Iester came to see him and said Ah my deere Francisco and wilt thou needs bee gone Then sweet Francisco when thou commest to thy kingdome I pray thee pray for me That will I answered Francisco but to th' end I may the better remember thee hold heer tie a thred about my finger The wagges of the Court had curtayl'd a Iesters nagge and he in reuenge thereof cut off the vpper lippes of a maine Courtiers Sâ—eeds in the base Court who coÌ„ming downe from the Presence euerie one to take his horse and laughing to see the Iesters nag at the court-gate so disfigured Laugh on laugh on sirres said the Iester I dare warrant yee you shall see your horses laugh too anon and out-laugh ye all A little Noble-man wore a broad brim'd hat in the Court and a Iester seeing it said Giue my Lord but such another hat below and you may serue him vp to the Emperours boord as betweene two dishes A Iester seeing a poore Gent. at dinner time now and then conuey a Modicum of euerie dish into the cape of his cloake sayd vnto the companie Sirs I am now determined to make my last will Testament before you all And first I bequeath my soule to God and my body to be buried in the cape of yonder Gentlemans cloake and with that stepping to him snatch'd his cloake from him and all to shooke it before the companie Then out dropp'd heere a bird and there a bird and choice of much good cheere he still shaking it and saying I meane this cloak sirs this cloake I meane A Iester vs'd to say that as soone as euer he perceiued a fray toward he straight became a Launce-man Being ask'd how so he answered Marie I lanch foorthwith into the next house A Iester meeting the Duke of Infantasgo between two fantasticall gallants cry'd out aloud vnto him My Lord my Lord you goe in danger The Duke asking him wherof he answered of drowning were it not for those two bladders on either arme of you The Cardinall Siliceo being on a time merrily disposed sent for one Rauago a pleasant fellow to disport him withall Who after he had pleasantly jested before him a good while at last fell to begging and besought a good thing which the Cardinall graunted him Then he besought his Grace to put him in good security for the performance of his said grant With that the Cardinal naming a certain singingman of that church the Iester excepted vnto him and said Nay nay my Lord I le no such sureties as weare no buttons vpon their doublets for feare the aire cary them away A Iester seeing an old Gent. in the street homely attir'd and wearing an old fashion'd Tablet hanging downe his breast before said It is a good letter though enterlined A Iester being ask'd what time he would gladliest choose to die in he answered When Iohn a Nokes dies And why so said th'oâ—her Marie because quoth he hee is so errand an Vsuring Cuckold-maker that whensoere hee dies I am sure the deuilles wil be all so busie about his soule that mine may sneak along by them and nere be seene A Iester lying a dying sent for a shoo-maker and will'd him to make him a paire of shooes for his soule the soales all of Bell-mettle The Shoo-maker asking him why so he answered Marie to th' end my friends may know by my loud trampling in heauen after I am dead that there I am OF SERVING-MEN AND PAGES THe Duke of Infantasgo sent his Page with a Peacocke between two curious Venice-dishes to the Earle of Saldania and it chaunced that as the Page discouered the vpper dish to shew the Earle the present down it fell and broke all to peeces The Earle receiued the Peacocke and return'd one of his Gent. with the Page to excuse him to the Duke who hearing of the mischance all in anger ask'd the Page how he brake it with that he hauing the other dish in his hand let it fall to the ground and broke it and then said Euen thus and like your Grace I broke it A plaine Steward gaue in amongst other his accomptes to his Maister Item â—or scouring the Priuie and trimming your Worships beard ij shillings vj. pence Such an other Accomptant gaue vp in his accompts to his maister amongst other things Item for a peniworth of lace ij pence A Gent. Cooke forsooke him and went to serue another maister whom the Gent. meeting certaine moneths after attired all in greene said vnto him Me thinkes N. you looke verie greene now a daies True sir answered the Cooke for I am sow'd in a good ground A Nobleman of Spaine whose liuing was good but not excessiue had a vaine in placing and displacing his seruants especiallie his Bayliffes and Accomptants Wherupon his mother asking one of his men on a time what place hee had in his maisters seruice or what accompts he yeelded vp at the yeeres end he answered Actes and Monuments A Seruing-man was discoursing to his maister how bountifull Don Diego Desa Bishop of Ciuill was vnto his Seruants who answered He doth well for that all that he hath he hath it but during his life The Seruing-man reply'd Now I pray you sir for how many liues enioy you your goods One Gent. was a telling to an other that his Page was run away from him notwithstanding he had alwaies vs'd him wel both with good clothes to his back and spending money in his purse Wherunto the other answered And I for my part haue a poore knaue whom I still keep bare and pennilesse and yet he loues me well and will neuer forsake mee How can he forsake you repli'd th' other hauing no winges wherwith to flie away Certaine
and bad An ancient Captaine whose beard was hoare-white with age brought word to the Earle of Vrenia how the enemy had surprisd his Forte Trust me Captaine good newes answered the Earle Thou hast lost the â—ort and preseru'd the Barbaâ—ane Barbacane signifying in Spanish a white beard and also a Blockhouse Francisco Symenes Archbishop of Tolledo being deputed high Gouernour ouer Spaine during the Emperours absence in the lowe Countries vpon occasion of some seruice sent for the Earle of Vrenia to come to him to Madryll The Earle arriued as farre as Guadalaiara which was a two dayes iourney off the Court and walking there in the Goldsmyths street chanced to cast his eie vpon a curious peece of plate in one of the shoppes and with that hee stept to it and viewing it and liking it well hee willed the Goldsmith to bring it to his lodging The Goldsmith knew him not and therefore craued his name Then the Earle remembring his olde grudge towardes the Archbishop and taking it in foule scorne to be at his call answered Na na my friend it skils not who I am seeing I am come thus farre A Gentleman neighbour to the Earle of Vrenia in a deere yeare of Corne besought the Earle to supply his present necessity The Earle was well pleased so to doe and willed his Secretorie to drawe a warrant to his Stewarde to measure him out twentie quarters meane while the Earle stood talking with the Gentleman at a window At last the Secretorie hauing drawne the warrant brought it to the Earle to signe Which he perusing and finding that the words went thus I will you to deliuer twentie quarters of wheat to Don Pedro de Gusman wherwith I am willing to pleasure him at this time He straight tore the warrant and all to beknau'd the Secretorie and said Write that he deliuer him twenty quarters for that it pleaseth Don Pedro de Gusman to doe me the honour to accept it A Seruitor of the Earle of Vrenia who was but a poore mans sonne besought his Lords leaue to goe into the Cuntrey for a time for as much as his Father had prouided him a wife there The Earle was content and willed his Chamberlaine to giue him withall a suit of Apparel out of his Wardrop The seruing man assaying many and finding none to fit him in the end the Chamberlaine came and told the Earle of it whereunto the Earle answered Then bid my Treasurer giue him an hundred pounds to buy him one withal The Treasurer paid it and he had it Isabell Queene of Spaine willed Don Alonzo de Aguilar to entitle himselfe Marques of Pliego which was the name of his Manour house He answered That were all one as if your Maiestie would aduise me to marrie my maide The Marques of Cenete was woont to say That to bee rich was not to increase treasure but to diminish appetites Gonzalo Fernandes a braue Spanish Generall walking in a Church heard a Priest loudly praying To whome hee sayd Father what prayer is that you say Hee answered the Prime Straine it not then so high replyd the General least you break it For Prime in Spanish signifieth also a treble Lute string Gonzalo Fernandes vsed to passe much by a poore mans dore who had two very faire daughters which the poore man perceiuing and conceiuing withall that Gonzalos abusiue loue of his daughters might greatly redound to his reliefe He came to him and besought him to help him to some doinges in the Countrey thinking by such his absence the better to leaue his daughters to Gonzalos lust and without that the worlde might iustly suspect any his priuity therunto Gonzalo perceiuing such the poore mans drift desperation took coÌ„passion of his case drawing him into an inner roome gaue him two hundred Crownes in two seuerall bags saying I marie wil I my friend doe for thee Hold heere these two bags and be gone see thou bestow thy daughters presently therwith and as for thy selfe I will prouide for thee besides Gonzalo Fernandes still vsed to say that he remayned debtor to none so much as to them to whom he gaue most So much he esteemed the honour of his bounty The Earle of Cifuentes woonted to say that Noblemen in times past vsed to cast accompt with their Launces and now adaies with compters Don Diego de Mendoza Earle of Melito was woont to say That in the house where is a fountaine there needeth no Cesterne and the Lord that hath fee ynough need hoord vp no treasure The Earle of Cenete being a verie yoong Gentleman at the siege of Perpenian ventured close vnder the wall and darted a Launce into the Castle and came safe away Anon after a couple of hors-men salied foorth of the place and he seeing them would haue ventured to encounter one of them But his Tutor would not suffer him but said Soft Sir first I will go before kill one of them and then come you after and cut off his head Nay reply'd the Earle rather let me goe before and kill one of them and then come you after and kisse his taile The Earle of Lenios awarded Iustice to a Vassâ—ll of his wherwith the party found himselfe greatly agrieued highly exclaimed of the Earles iniustice therin and belike the Earle indeed mistook the matter Whereupon he sent for the party the next day and sayde vnto him My friend thy â—peeches deserue laughter and my errour reformation A Duke of Feria was so honourable in his bounties that he neuer bid his Treasurer any set value to disburse but thus Giue such a one fourty or fifty Crownes 100. or 1â—0 pounds so as the Treasurer rested euermore perplexed how to perform the Dukes pleasure Wherfore being on a time commanded to giue a certain Gentleman 200. or 250. Crownes he came to the Duke to demand his exact pleâ—sure therin Why pesant answered the Duke seekst thou to alter my maner of phrase I tell thee now for good and all vnderstand alwayes the most of my pleasure and there an end Don Bernardin de Velasco delighted so exceedingly in cros-bowes that he deputed an especial roome in his house for their safe custody It chaÌ„ced on a time that being to purchase a goodly manour much cuntrey about it in Andaluzia he had stored vp treasure to the value of 60000 pounds which his Treasurer for more safety had coffered vp disposed in the said cros-bow roome as being the strongest place in all the house Don Bernardin one day comming thether to see his cros-bowes and seeing those coffers there asked what trumpery it was The Treasurer answered Treasure Treasure said Velasco t is trash away with it what makes it here to endanger my cros-bowes A Constable coÌ„ming to arrest a shomaker within his house the shoomakers wife so well bestirred her that she brauely belamb'd the constable whiles in the mean time her husband got away The Constable then came vnto the Duke of Infantasgo complained vnto him
answered I had rather you said you lou'd me as your body A Gentleman being booted spurr'd ready to take horse came to take his leaue of his Maistresse who answered Well may you aske me leaue for the next time for at this time you haue taken it of your selfe A Gentlewoman in extremitie of labour sware that if it pleas'd God she might escape death for that once shee would neuer in all her life after hazard her selfe to the like daunger againe but being at last safely deliuered she then said to one of the midwiues So now put out the holie candle and keepe it till the next time A Gentleman taking his leaue of his mistresse said I kisse your hands and your feete She answered Forget not I pray the station betweene One saying to a woman Vpon my soule doe this Shee answered Stake downe some other pawne for that 's forfeited already An olde Gentlewoman sent her daughter in law a boxe of preserues who tasting therof said Lord how sowre is this Sugre So said in reference belike that it came frō a mother in law Two corriuals to a Maides dishonestie drew and fought vnder her windowe and she looking out said Sirres you mistake your quarrel is not to be ended with steel but with gold and siluer A lasciuious Dame conuersing among her Gossips alluded thus cunninglie to her husbandes ingeneratiuenesse saying In sooth my husband thanks be to God hath many good parts in him he is a good Musition he writes wel and he can cast an accompt no man better saue only that he cannot multiply An old woman seeing the Bride her daughter vnarray her selfe fearfullie to bedward as who would say Lord is this the last houre of my maiden-head She said vnto her Faith Daughter and if it pleas'd God would I were to abide all thy paines too night A Gentleman saying to a yoong Gentlewoman who had been fiue weares a wife and neuer had any child I greatly maruell that your belly reares not She answered How would you haue aire puffe vp my bellie hauing none in my head She taxed therein her husbands insufficiencie A Gen. meeting his mistresse late in an euening at a cōueniēt backe side for hastie businesse that he had only saluted her and passed on An other Gentlewoman this Gentlewomans familiar seeing and noting this out at a window and knowing with all their mutuall loues said the next day vnto her How chanced it that yesternight such a one meeting you in such a conuenient place he so slightly forsooke you bearing you so great good-will as I know he doth She answered The truth is he refused to take the blot and so lost the game One asking another what was the reason that such a Gentlewoman being but a poore widdow had so manie faire maids in her seruice Th' other answered Because shee affoordes them free scope as Hanniball did to his souldiours at Capua A Gentlewoman disdaining her suter said vnto him A woman of my calling to loue so base a groome as your mastership faith sir no He answered Yes the rather for my basenesse for that women are shee-Wolues that commonly pray vpon the basest carrion One being asked why he enueighed so sore against women kind considering that so many good Authours haue from time to time whole-vollumed their praises Hee answered They wrote what women ought to be but I say what they are Pedro Mexia woonted to say that a woman is the heauen of a mans eye the hell of his soule the purgatorie of his purse Th' Earle of Vrenia woonted to say that the vertuous life of a widdow bridles the wicked tongue to silence and spurres the vertuous to commend her A widdow ouer-liued her two husbands whereof the first died rich and left her full bags yet withal vs'd her but hardly in his life time th' other spent all lest her poore yet whiles he liued vs'd her very well and kindly These two being both buried in one Church and neer one another shee one day standing between both their graues said vnto certaine her gossips there See ye heer these two graues Heer in this graue lieth ful bagges and there lies spend all now the deu'll take them both A kind wife followed her husband to the gallowes and he requesting her not to trouble her selfe any farther she answered Ah yes deer Husband now that I haue brought you thus farre on your way faith I 'le see you hang'd too God willing A Gent. comming to visit a yoong Maid found her a working of her wedding wast-coat and he ask'd her when shee would haue done it She answered quicklie and then sighingly adjoin'd Ah heerin I am to loose my maiden-head A yoong wife expostulating with her midwife her neer paines in labour with the childe shee went withall and affirming that questionlesse shee should neuer bee able to abide them Yes answered the midwife I warrant you mistresse you will refuse white bread and milk that houre And so she did indeed for the Midwife presenting her white bread and milke in that agonie she refus'd it for verie paine Two gossips chatting late in an euening by the fires side at last one of them said vnto her maid Nann light a candle with that fetch'd a great sigh and added For well I wot thy old maister lou'd light aboue any earthly joy and now I pray God the light of heauen faire befall him Whereunto th' other gossip answered And I for my part Gossip had a husband that aboue all thinges lou'd a good fire well now hell fire light on him The Earle of Vrenia vsed to say that a womans greatest jayle is modesty and silence Two shrewes being at ciuill brabble about one anothers honestie th' one of them said I faith thou sauor'st of honestie euen as a Cow doth of Aqua vitae Th' other answered And the honestie of thee and the woolle of an olde dogge would make a good Cuckold-medlie One commending a proper woman who was an errand shrew and withall verie talkatiue said She is euen as gallant a woman as euer I set eie on all but her tongue A Preacher in his good-friday sermon said vnto his parishioners Sirs who of you all will not in honour of this day forgiue his enemie with all his heart With that a woman stept foorth and said Sir I doe Whome said the preacher Marie whosoeuer quoth she will doe so much as kill the knaue my husband OF CVCKOLDS A Cuckold innocent being informed that such a one was a bed with his wife he answered Knowing him as I doe to be a right honest man I dare aduenture my wife a bed with him An honest man that had but one eie and a quean to his wife entring vpon the sudden into his bed chamber by night a knaue chanced to be then a bed with her who hearing her husbands voice shifted him suddenlie behind the doore and thus she said vnto her Goodman What husband is' t you euen welcome my
friends to dinner and after dinner was done and the cloath taken vp one of the companie said vnto him We thanke you for all this good cheere to day many a San Benito I pray God may you see in your house He meant many a S. Bennets day OF MARCHANTS AND Misers TWo theeues came by night into a Marchantes house of Toledo and stole away a deske and a fetherbed The marchant hearing a noyse arose and went downe and finding they were but new gone followed theÌ„ to see what would become of his goods One of the theeues looking backe espy'd him said Why how now do you dog vs No answered the Marchant but onlie to see whether you remoue mee One ask'd a Marchant how he could sleep soundlie a nights owing so much as he did he answered Why man my Creditors doe sleepe A Marchant asked a wise man how he might preserue his wealth who answered Commit it not to Fortune Hernando de Pulgar vs'd to say that who so desires to be soon rich must haue two Muches and two Littles Much Auarice and Much Diligence Little Shame and Litle Conscience An Alderman lying on his death-bed certaine his prentises came to see him and besought him to leaue them some good aduise as a monument both of his great wisedome and good-will towards them Then he rear'd himself vp vpon his pillow and said Tast your pottage before you crumb in your bread and so died A Marchant had agreed with a Wood-monger for all his fagots at pence a peece one with another The Woodmonger after hauing thus bargained told him that vnlesse hee would giue him somwhat ouer aboue he would not vnload them Go too then said the marchant I am content thou shalt c. With that the Wood-monger vnloaded and when hee had done did also helpe to carrie them downe into the Celler in hope of c. Then the Marchant paid him for his faggots and he demanding his c. the Marchant adswered My meaning was that thou shouldst helpe to carrie the fâ—ggots downe into the Celler ouer and aboue thy bargaine So art thou payde thy c. A Marchant being ask'd with what maister hee meant to place his sonne to learne Arethmaticke he answered With the Hangman â—or that hee of all others is the brauest Accomptant viz. of mens deathes One said to his acquaintance I greatly marueill that you are no richer considering that on my certaine knowledge you may dispend eight Testers a day and you spend not passing two of them Th' other answered Two I pay two I lend two I spend and two I loose The two I pay are those I allowe my poor father and mother toward their maintenance the two I lend are those I allow for my sonnes education in the Vniuerâ—itie which I hope he will one day repay me againe if I so long liue as now I doe vnto my father The two I spend are vpon my selfe my wife and familie The two I loose are those my wife spends euery day in toyes and bables vpon her self which I neuer looke for more One that ought a marchant a great somme of money and his day of payment being neere at hand shifted away all his goods and fled the Countrey The wise marchant hearing therof was heartily glad and came to his wife and told her that in asmuch as his saide debtor was nowe runne away and had forfeyted his band he would before God take the benefite of the double A marchant that ought much and was not able to correspond fled the Countrey and for haste left much of his goods vndisposed of Which his creditors seazing vpon and selling at the street door to the most giuers one came bought a fetherbed and said It is good sleeping in his bed that ought so much money One passing by a miserly marchants new faire house saide to his companion Yonder faire house is built for welth not for Worship A Gentleman lent a marchant his horse who at his returne vaunted vnto him what a gallant horse it was and how by the way as he rid he out-gallop'd all the horses he ouertooke and had wonne with him halfe a dozen wagers so swift he pac'd it and so brauely he had put him to it The Gent. answered For such honour let my horse thanke you A miserly Marchant asking one whome he greatly disdayned how he came by so rich a widdow he answered Euen as a man may come by yours after you are dead A officious Welshman seeing a cripple Marchants widdow snayling ouer London bridge took pitie on her trembling gate and friendly offred her his helping hand all along And as they footed it together the old woman ask'd him by the way what countryman he was he answered A Welshman whereupon she straight desir'd him to shiâ—t on the other side of her which he did and so led her safe to her house at the bridge-foot At parting she hartilie thank'd him for such his good nature and pray'd God to blesse him and hee ask'd her what was the reason that vpoÌ„ his saying that he was a WelshmaÌ„ she straight desir'd him to shift on the other side of her shee answered Oh sonne my purse hung on that side An old Carmougion had worne a hat full fifteen yeares to an end and seeing it at last waxe red and rotten hee said See see the falshood of these Habberdashers howe sleight they make their wares A Noble-man sent a Gent. of his in great diligence about some especiall affaires and such was his diligence that he kill'd his Lords horse by the way Being returned home it pleas'd the Nobleman to make him pay fifty crowns for the horse saying that hee was content to reward him so well as to forgiue him the rest The Gentleman thought himselfe hardly dealt withall and answered Sir this is neither reward nor Almose Certain Seruing men complain'd to their niggardlie maister how that his Steward allow'd them but only Sallades and Cheese to their Suppers a nightes Whereupon the Gentleman call'd the Steward before him and in a great chafe saide vnto him Is it true N. that you giue my men sallades and Cheese to their suppers I charge you doe no more so but giue them their Sallades one night and their Cheese another and so in order A niggardlie Gentleman founde fault with a dish of vnsauorie Oliffes that was set before him and call'd it Cobblerie stuffe A Iester then to taxe his Miserlinesse sayd Belike sir they are fallen to that trade because they wil not be beholding to you A Miser said vnto his man Sirrha you had best bee gone least I giue you that you would not willinglie haue The seruing-man answered Sir I beleeue you not for you neuer giue A rich Churle was so miserlie minded that hee thought all mischiefes that befell any of his neighbours was in respect that they wisht him yl or went about to do him some despight It chaunced that his man riding in an euening to water
in a pelting chafe then answered My maister my maister who forsooth is my maister why who the deu'l should he be but all the world A Gent. sent his man to one Preister his aduersary in lawe with the Courts Injunction to avoyd possession and yeeld vp his house to him The Seruing-man went and did his message thus Good M. Preister my maister sends you his Confession by me and confesseth vnto you howe that to morrow God willing he means to turne you out of house and home by vertue hereof and with that shew'd him the Injunction A great Gent. vs'd much bountie toward his rich seruants and none at all to his poore ones It chanced on a time that riding through a water his horse stood still stall'd in the midst of it Wherupon one of his poore seruants merrily said vnto him Your Worship resembles your horse nowe adding his bounty to the needlesse stream All to all none to nothing An angry Gent. gaue one of his men two good flurrets in the eare wherat one of his fellowes by fell a laughing which heperceiuing flew straight to his maister gaue him a box on the eare and said Sir I returne your Worship this againe to bestow vpon yonder knaue that stands laughing at me so A Noble-man gaue an old seruant of his two boxes on the eare And the next day being displeas'd with one of his Pages merrily then said vnto him I pray thee N. restore me one of the boxes I gaue thee yesterday to bestow vpon this villain-boy he answered Not onely that my Lord for your Boyes but the other also if you please for your Hobberdchoyes A Seruing-man being brought before a Iustice vpon suspition of fellonie the Iustice ask'd him whom he seru'd he answered God With that the Iustice straight commanded him away to prison Shortly after being brought before him againe at the Sessions he ask'd him as before whom hee seru'd And he answered My Lord Chancellour My Lord Chancellor said the Iustice why what a deu'l mak'st thou heer then why told'st thou me not as much at first He answered Because I did not think you had lou'd my L. Chancellour better then God OF BISCAYNS AND FOOLS A Physition sent a sicke Biscayn purging pilles to loose him withall and he tasting and chewing one of them in his mouth finding it passing bitter spet it out againe the rest he wrapt in bundle of hay saying There rest ye till yee bee through ripe A Gentleman sending his Biscayn-man of an errand bid him doe it with great efficacie and the Biscayn answered Efficacie me no Efficacies for all were M. Efficacie the deuill himselfe I durst speake to him A Biscayn being demanded what Countri-man he thought God was he answered Questionles a Castilian for that neuer in all my life could I yet loue him hartily The Emperor Charles was preparing to strike a Deer with a crosse-bow and a Biscayn-page being by mounted vpon a gall'd-backe jade suddenly whipt from off his horse taking off the saddle threw it toward the Deere and so fray'd him away The Emperour angry heerat ask'd him why the deu'll he did so Whereunto the boy taking the Emperour by the sleeue and â—hewing him his jades gall'd backe answered The saddle that can doe all this is it not able trow ye to kill a Deere A Spanish Preacher will'd his Biscayn-boy to goe break his fast at one Dauids a Cooke vpon his skore Meane while hee went to Church to preach And reciting in his sermon a many authorities out of Scripture for the probate of his text he said And now sirs what sayes Dauid trow ye to this geere Euen as he said so in-stept the boy at the Church-door and hearing him talke of Dauid answered him aloud Marie no more Pies he saith till you haue paid him the old skore A Cockney seeing a Squirrell in a shop greatly admir'd it and said Iesu God what pretie things are made for money A Biscayn-Doctor had promised one an Asse which Asse died shortly after In th' end the partie sent to him for it and he return'd him answere viz. that hee was now not bound to send him the foresaid Asse for asmuch as since the day of such his promise made the Asse was departed his naturall life A Foole lay a sleepe in a field and had prick'd his staffe in the ground before his face to fence him froÌ„ the wind By chance one coÌ„ming by awak'd him and ask'd him why he had pitch'd the staffe there he answered To defend me from the wind Fool said the other that can not any whit shield thee The foole repli'd Can the wind blow through it trow ye It was a controuersie in law betweene two wise men whether of them a Cuckoe which they saw in a tree call'd cuckoe vnto And after that they had therin wasted all their pence in th' end they agreed to put it to compremize to a neighbour of theirs whoÌ„ in the meane time they both plyed with butter Bacon ynough such other like country-cates to draw him on their side But he finding himselfe beholding to both their bounties alike at last when the houre was come he thus awarded saying My good neighbours to neither of you both did the Cuckoe crie Cuckoe but to mee and there an end A dogge had bitten a Foole and the Foole finding him the next day a sleepe in the grasse knock'd out his braines and said He that hath enemies let him take heed how and where hee sleepes A Stranger came to see the Fooles in Bedlam and one of them ask'd him of whence he was Hee answered of Newarke Then the Foole ask'd him whether his father mother were liuing what brothers and sisters he had and what trade or occupation he was of All which he told him and withall that he was a Gold-smith Then the Foole ask'd him what businesse brought him thether he answered None but only to see you To see vs reply'd the Fool Haue you a trade at Newarke and come you hether but only to see vs Beleeue mee brother I am not in heere for any such matter viz. for so very a foole A Seruing-man was jesting with his maisters foole and made him beleeue he would cut off his head The Foole ranne straight to his maister and told him of it who answered Hee shall not cut off thy head if hee doe I 'le hang him the next day after Nay I pray reply'd the Foole rather hang him a day before One vs'd to say that a Foole more benefits a wise man then a wise man a foole for that the follie of a Foole admonisheth a wise man from â—ollie but a foole cannot comprehend the wisdome of the wise A Gallant passing along by a Foole the people will'd him to doe off his hat vnto him With that he ran to the Gent. and stroke off his hat from his head For which being reprehended and told how he should haue done it to himself he answered That