whome we know we are beloued And as for you if you loue him not yet for to the end that it may be a true loue and that your friendship may last the conditions must be reciprocall and we know there can be no want on our Lord's behalf and that our nature is vitious sensuall and vngratefull and so we cannot perhaps obtaine fully at our owne hands to loue him so much because he is not of the same condition with vs yet considering how much it imports vs to hold friendship with him and how much he loues vs we must passe on and passe ouer this paine of being much in his companie who is of so different a condition from ours O infinite goodnes of my God! how true it is that me thinkes I see both thee and my self in this verie manner O thou who art the verie Regalo of the Angels in Heauen how faine would I euen defeat and dissolue my self totally in louing thee when I see and consider these things And how certaine a thing it is that thou art on the suffering hand in regard of such as will not suffer thee to remaine with them O how good a friend dost thou make thy self to thy friend O my Lord and how dost thou goe enduring him and regaling him And thou expectest till he make himself grow to be of thy condition and inclination and in the meane time thou endurest and permittest him to continue to be a while of his owne and thou takest O my deare Lord by way of good payment those fitts of time which he can be content to bestow vpon thee and vpon a minute of true sorrow and repentance thou forgettest all those sinnes whereby he hath offended thee All this haue I perceaued clearly in order to my self and for my part I cannot see O my Creatour how the whole world can forbeare to procure to draw neer to thy Diuine Maiestie that so it may be able to obtaine this particular kind of friendship with thee Such as are wicked and are not hitherto come to haue the like inclinations and dispositions to thine should yet come towards thee to the end that so thou mightst make them good and that they might endure thee to be with them though it were but for some two howers in the day yea euen though they would not the while stay in thy companie without a thousand distractions and tumblings vp and downe in wordlie cares and thoughts as I was wont to doe And for recompence of this violence which they vse to make against themselues by continuing in so good companie as thine for neither in those verie beginnings no nor euen afterwards also for a while can they tell how to doe better thou forcest O Lord the Diuels of Hell to forbeare a setting fiercely vpon them and permittest them to haue daily lesse power then other against them yea and thou puttest them into mens hands that they may ouercome them So that thou O thou Life of all liues dost neuer kill anie one of those Creatures who puts his confidence in thee nor of them who desire thee for a Freind but thou sustainest both the life of their Bodies with encrease of health and thou also dost impart it to the Soule For my part I cannot possibly vnderstand why men should feare as they doe to beginne to vse Mentall Prayer nor of what it is in fine that they are afrayd The Diuel indeed doth not ill in order to his owne wicked ends to procure to doe me hurt if by pretence and meanes of I know not what feares he can procure to make me forbeare a considering how much and how highly I haue offended Almightie God and how much I am obliged to him for his great mercies and benefits and to thinke vpon this truth that there is such a thing as glorie in Heauen and torments in Hell and vpon those great afflictions and sorrowes which our Lord endured for me in this life For this was still my Prayer when I was continuing in all those dangers and vpon this did I thinke whensoeuer I was able And very often yea and for some yeares togeather I was busier about desiring that the Hower might come quickly to an end still listning when the Clock would strike then vpon better things Yea and it hapned to me manie times that I knew not what Pennance could be set before me so very great as that I would not more willingly vndergoe it then recollect my self to Mentall Prayer And it is certaine that either the Diuel did set vpon me with such an vn-resistable force or els mine owne vvicked custome did it that I might not goe make Mentall Prayer and the sadnes of my hart vvas such euen vvhen I entred into my Oratorie for that purpose that I vvas faine to help and serue my self of all the strength and courage I had vvhich they say is not very little and it hath been seen that God hath giuen me more then is vsually possessed by vvoemen but that I haue employed it ill to force my self to make my Prayer and in fine it pleased our Lord to assist me But afterward vvhen I had vsed these violences to my hart I found my self vvith more quiet delight so that sometimes I grew to haue an expresse desire to pray Now therefore since it chanced that our Lord did suffer and endure so vvicked a Creature as my self and if it appeare plainly that all my miseries vvere redressed by this meanes vvhat person how vvicked soeuer he may be can find anie thing to be afrayd of heer For how wicked soeuer anie other bodie may haue been he vvill neuer be so yet after the enioying of so great Fauours from our B. Lord as I had receaued And vvho can euer come to dis-confide in his Diuine Maiestie vvho had patience vvith me so long vpon this onlie reason Because I desired and procured some meanes for time and place wherein he might be with me And euen this little thing I did often without anie inclination of mine owne but only by the great violence which either I offered to my self or els was offered to me by our Lord. Since therefore the vse of Mentall Prayer is so fitt yea and so very necessarie euen for such as serue not God but offend him and since no bodie can truly find anie such hurt which it can possibly doe as would not be much greater without Prayer at least how can such forbeare it as serue Almightie God and desire to serue him Most certainly vnlesse a man haue a minde to passe through the troubles miseries of this life with an addition of more miserie and to shut vp the verie gate against God himself for feare least he should giue him comfort by this meanes I cannot possibly vnderstand this proceeding of his I haue really great compassion and sorrow for those poore Soules who will needs serue Almightie God vpon their owne cost for as for them who vse Mentall Prayer
by those beames you will find it to be all full of moates This Comparison is very literally true for before the Soule is in this Extasis she conceiues her self to haue been very carefull not to offend Almightie God that she performed it according to the vttermost of her power but yet being come once so farre as that this Sunne of Iustice shines vpon her which makes her open her eyes she then sees so many moates therin that she would be glad if she could tell how to shut them againe for she is not yet become so true an Eaglet of this swift and strong Eagle which bred her as that she can be able to looke earnestly vpon this Sunne But how little soeuer she chance to hold them open she sees her self all impure and calls that Verse to minde which saith VVho shall euer be iust in thy presence When once she beholds this Diuine Sunne her sight is dazled by the brightnes of it but when she lookes in vpon her self her eyes are stopped vp with clay and so this poore Doue is blind yea and it happens manie times that she also remaines blind for good and all as being absorpt amazed and as it were out of her witts with so manie mightie greatnesses as she is then growne to see Heer finally is true Humilitie acquired not careing anie way at all either to speake well of her self or yet that others should doe it And our Lord deuides and disposes of the Fruit of this Garden not she and so there sticks nothing of it to her fingars All the good which she hath goes on as still addressed to Almightie God and if she be drawne to say anie thing of her self it is also directed to his glorie for she knowes that she hath no interest therin and cannot be ignorant therof euen though she would as discerning it by the verie sight of her eyes which are shut towards the things of this world but which are still kept open for the vnderstanding of Truths almost whether she will or no. THE ONE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes and finishes this last Degree of Prayer She declares vvhat the Soule finds therein vvhen she returnes to liue againe in the vvorld and the Light also vvhich our Lord giues concerning the deceipts and errours of the same vvorld This Chapter deliuers excellent Doctrine I Will therefore now finish that which I was saying That namely there is heer no more now anie need that the Soule should giue anie new consent since already she hath giuen it all and knowes that she hath voluntarily deliuered her self wholy vp into his hands and that she cannot deceiue him who is the knower of all things for it is not as things passe heer in this world where all this life of ours is full of nothing but duplicities and deceipts and when you thinke you haue fully gotten the good will of anie Creature by the shew he makes you quickly come to vnderstand that all is tricks and lyes and that no bodie can tell how to liue in a world of so much odd busines especially if there be anie little interest of the Parties But blessed is that Soule which our Lord comes once to draw to the knowledge of such things as are reall Truths O what a condition and fortune were this for Kings and how much would it import them more to gaine this great aduantage then to get large Dominions and States What rectitude would there be foūd in the Kingdome How manie mischiefs would haue been forborne already would also be forborne heerafter For heer there is no feare of loosing life or honour for the loue of Almightie God but rather such losses as these would goe for a great blessing amōgst such as find thēfelues carrie another māner of respect to the honour of our Lord then to all them to whome they are lesse obliged For Kings are the men whome those others follow and in this case these Kings would loose a thousand Kingdomes and they would haue great reason to be glad to doe so rather thē to loose the meanes of making one stepp further towards the augmentation of the Holie Catholick Faith or the procuting some light for Hereticks for it is another manner of busines to purchase and get such a kind of Kingdome as will neuer end And what Soule soeuer shall come to tast but one single dropp of this water all the rest of this whole world will be but fitt euen to turne the stomack But now if the Soule of such a person should fall out to be once ingulfed into this water what strange effects would it produce Deare Lord if thou shouldst draw me to such a condition as that I might be able to publish this truth with a lowd voice they would yet beleiue mee no more then they doe others who know how to publish the same after a much better manner But yet at least I should giue satisfaction to my self and me thinkes I should esteem euen my verie life but at a little rate vpon condition that I might be able to giue but some one of these single Truths to be well vnderstood And yet I know not what I should be able to doe with my self afterward for there is no trust at all to be had in me I being that miserable creature which I am Yet still I haue so great impulses to vtter and declare these things to such as be in authoritie and command that me thinkes they doe euen annihilate and consume me And yet now since I can doe no more I returne O my Lord towards thee to seeke remedie for all inconueniences for thou O my Lord knowest well how highly glad I would be to dispossesse my self euen of all these verie Fauours which of thy goodnes thou hast vouchsafed to doe me prouided alwayes that I might still remaine in condition neuer to offend thee more and to resigne them vp to Kings and Princes for then it is very certaine that it would be wholy impossible for them either to permit that those things should be done which are permitted or yet that they should faile to receiue extraordinarie blessings at thy hand O make them my God vnderstand to how much they are obliged since thou wert pleased by what I haue heard to honour them in such sort vpon earth as that when thou takest anie of them away there is some kind of signification therof euen in the Heauens And when I thinke of this it breeds a kind of deuotion in me that thou O my King maist be pleased to make them euen heerby vnderstand that they ought to imitate thee in their life since there grow in some sort to be certaine apparances and signes in Heauen at their death as there was when euen thy self camest to dye I see well that I am presuming very farre but I beseech your Reuerence teare it if you mislike it and beleiue that I would be glad to speake it better if I were present
found so manie inconueniences in it that they were earnest in perswading me not to proceed therein But now I told them heervpon that if they changed their opinion so soone I would hold my self fast to the first At this time vpon my entreatie and because this Ladie had neuer seen that holie man Fray Pedro de Alcantara our Lord was pleased that he should come to her house and he being so great a louer of Pouertie and hauing obserued and practised it so manie yeares was not ignorant of the riches which it contained and so he assisted me much and commanded me that I should by no meanes forbeare to carrie-on my desire And now through his opinion and helpe he being a person who could best giue counsaile in it as vnderstanding the matter in hand by long experience I resolued that I would goe seeking no further And being one day recommending the matter earnestly to Christ our Lord it pleased him to tell me expresly That I should by no meanes forbeare to make the Monasterie poore That this was both his Father's will and his and That he would help me in it Now there were so great effects heerof in a Rapt which I had that I could by no meanes doubt but that it was of Almightie God Another time he told me that there was confusion in hauing Reuenue and he sayd also other things in praise of Pouertie assuring me that no such thing as was necessarie for the life of man should euer be wanting to such as serue him of which want as I was saying I neuer was in feare for my part Our Lord did also turne the hart of the Religious man of S. Dominick's Order of whome I sayd that he wrote to forbid me to make the Monasterie without Reuenue And now I was very well pleased vpon the vnderstanding of this and vpon hauing also got some other Votes me thought I possessed all the riches in the world by resoluing to liue on Almes for the loue of our Lord. About this time did my Prouinciall discharge his commandment vnder Obedience which he had imposed vpon me for staying there and left it in mine owne choyce either to returne or els to stay for a certaine time But there was now an Election of a Prioresse to be made in our Monasterie and they aduertised me that there were manie who desired to impose that Charge vpon me whereof the onlie thought was of so great torment to me that I could easily haue resolued my self to endure anie other Martyrdome in the whole world for the loue of God but by no meanes perswade my self to this For besides the great trouble in regard that they are so very manie in the House which point I neuer liked and for other reasons also which did occurr besides that I neuer loued to haue Office but did euer refuse them all it seemed to me that it was to put my Conscience it self in great hazard And so I blessed Almightie God for my not being present in the place I wrote also to some freinds of mine that they would not giue me their Vote But when now I was so much pleased not to find my self there in that noise our Lord told me that I should by no meanes forbeare to goe And that since I desired a Crosse there was now a good great one prouided for me and that I must not throw it away but goe on with resolution and courage and that he would help me and therefore that I must instantly goe At this I was mightily troubled and did nothing but weepe for I thought it had been the Crosse of being Superiour and as I was saying before I could not perswade my self that this could possibly be good for my Soule in anie kind nor could I find anie reason at all to induce me to it I related all this Storie to my Ghostlie Father and he commanded me to be gone for it was euidently of more perfection to doe so but only because the heates were great I might yet stay where I was some few dayes for feare least els the iourney might doe me harme and that in substance it would suffice if I were there when the Election should be made But our Blessed Lord hauing ordered things otherwise the busines of my iourney was instantly to be dispatched and done For the restlesnes which I had in my self was very great togeather with my euen wanting power to make my Prayer and it seemed also to me withall that I fell short in the performance of what our Blessed Lord had expresly commanded me and the while I did but passe my time there in ease and pleasure That it might seem as if I had no minde at all to labour and suffer and That all was vpon the matter but talking whensoeuer there grew to be question of seruing Almightie God For els I being able to be where it was more perfection for me to find my self why did I forbeare to effect it And if I should dye by the way in God's name let me dye But in the meane time besides all the rest I found my self with a great pressing vpon my verie hart and our Lord had wholy depriued me of all kind of gust in my Prayer In a word I was brought to such a condition as that now I was in a great deale of torment and I humbly prayed the Ladie where I was that she would allow me her leaue to be gone For already my Ghostlie Father when he found me to be in that case willed me also to beginne my iourney and our Lord had also moued him as well as me But the Ladic had so great a sense of trouble for my departure that the same grew also to be another torment to me For she spoke of how much trouble it had cost her to obtaine this fauour of leaue at the hands of the Prouincial by meanes of a great deale of importunitie And really I held it for a kind of very strange thing that she would be content to giue way heerin considering how very much she was troubled at it saue only that I considered her as a very great Seruant of Almightie God And so I telling her once that my going imported his Seruice much with manie other things of that kinde and letting her also know that it was possible that I might returne to see her againe she grew with trouble enough to be yet content at last that I should goe But now I for mine owne part had no difficultie at all in doing it For when once I came to vnderstand that the thing was of more perfection and that it more imported the Seruice of Almightie God that I should goe then stay I did by the contentment which it gaue me to content him passe easily ouer the paine of leauing that Ladie whome I saw so much troubled at my iourney as manie other persons also were to whome I was obliged there very much and especially to my Ghostlie Father who was of the
high Prayer by vsing so continuall Mortification finally through such an incomparable treasure as she acquired afterward by a multitude of most excellent vvorkes For if her beginnings were such as out-stripped euen the conclusion of very perfect Soules how farre shall vve imagine that she vvould be sure to ariue and reach ere she came to an end These are the liuely testimonies of this last exact and diligent Authour And as for that former excellent discourse of Doctour Levvis de Leon it serues also to let vs see very clearly the perfections of her happie Children the Religious Woemen of her Order And since euen the Christian vvorld at large is vvont to call know her by the name of Mother Teresa how much more haue the Religious her deare most dear Daughters reason to call her so as they doe Since togeather with the strictnes of their Rule a strictnes yet much more tending to the preseruing purifying their Mindes then anie vvay to the afflicting of their Bodies vvhatsoeuer the Diuel vvould faine make the vvorld beleiue so to discourage the Seruants of God from becoming his better Seruants by liuing vnder this most holie and happie Rule there vvas euer so great indulgence in her towards them and such a tender kinde of care ouer the health and contentment yea and euen as it vvere for the good humour of her Children as that she might well deserue the name of a hundred thousand Mothers all in one For that her verie kindnes ariued euen thus farre may be seen in many passages both of her Rule of her Life So that vpon the vvhole matter it vvas a kinde of hard case to decide whether she were of more rigour to her self or of more indulgence towards her Children And she did expresly require that her Successours should be alwaies carefull to maintaine the verie self same sweet and euen as it vvere kinde-harted Spirit in the gouernment of all such Soules as should euer come to range themselues by her Order And it seemes that not only her counsaile was imparted to them then but that her prayers protection continues now to the self same purpose and that still she shrowdes and shelters them vnder that care For the self-same Spirit remaines so entirely truly amongst them at this day that as they leade the liues of Angells on the one side so yet doe they also on the other spend their time vvith so much ioy gust through that incredible kind of peace vnion of minde vvhich they possesse as vvell in order to their Superiours as to themselues as if euerie one of them vvere no lesse then mightily euen in loue vvith euerie other vvhich puts them into a kind of Heauen before their time Nay still she seemes as it vvere visibly to worke in all kindes for their aduantage And heer since this holie Saint tooke all the accidents and occasions not only of her Children but euen of those Strangers so extreamly and extraordinarily to hart vvho applyed themselues to obtaine her helpe whilst she vvas yet but an Inhabitant of this vvorld I am confidently yea and assuredly perswaded that she vvill now haue another manner of solicitude for their good and growth in all happines vvho shall celebrate and desire to serue her Which I wish that the whole world may doe and for my part I am so much bound to our Blessed Lord for which I adore him vvith my whole hart as to be sure that I will procure to make one The short Preface or Introduction vvhich vvas made by the Glorious S. TERESA her selfe to this Life of hers vvhich she vvrote I Could haue vvished that as they haue giuen me a large kind of libertie yea and a commandment also to setdovvne both the manner of my Prayer and the Fauours vvich our Blessed Lord vvas pleased to doe me they had also no lesse permitted me to declare my great Sinnes and vvicked Life in very particular and cleare manner for heerin J should haue receiued much consolation But this they vvould not suffer me to doe nay rather in this kind they tyed me vp very short And therefore I beg earnestly euen for the loue of our Blessed Lord that they vvho shall reade this Discourse of my Life vvill take knovvledge and attentiuely obserue that it hath been so very vnvvorthie and vvicked as that I haue not found anie one Saint amongst all them vvho haue been conuerted from Sinne to the Seruice of Almightie God in vvhose example J might be able to take comfort For J consider that vvhen once our Lord called them to himself they returned not anie more to offend him vvhereas I not only grevv vvorse but rather did it seemes euen make it my verie busines and studie hovv to resist those great Fauours vvhich his Diuine Maiestie vvas pleased to doe me As one vvho on the one side found her self obliged to serue him for them so much the more and yet vvho on the other obserued vvithall that she vvas vnable to make him anie payment for the least part of all that vvhich she ovved him Let him be Blessed for euer vvho vouchsafed to expect me so long and I beseech him vvith my vvhole hart to giue me grace that I may vvith all claritie and truth make this Relation vvhich my Ghostlie Fathers haue commanded at my hands yea and vvhich I knovv our Lord himself hath long expected from me saue that yet vvithall I could not easily presume so farre as to venture vpon it But at least I vvish that novv it may proue to the glorie and praise of his Diuine Maiestie as also to the end that my said Ghostlie Fathers grovving heerafter into a clearer knovvledge of me by this meanes may assist me in my vveaknes so much the more that so at length I may be able to pay some little part of that much seruice vvhich I ovve to our Blessed Lord VVhome let all Creatures praise for all Eternities Amen THE FIRST CHAPTER She shevves havv our Lord beganne to stirre-vp her Soule in her Childhood to the performing of vertuous actions and of the help vvhich it giues in order to this end to be borne of vertuous Parents THE very hauing of vertuous Parents and such as liue in the feare of Almightie God togeather with those fauours which I receaued from his Diuine Maiestie had been able to haue made me good if I had not been so very wicked My Father was delighted in reading good Bookes and vsed to haue them in Spanish that so his Children might also reade them This consideration togeather with the care which my Mother had to make vs say our Prayers and to put vs into a way of deuotion to our Blessed Ladie and some other particular saints beganne to awake and stirre me vp when I was to the best of my remembrance about six or seauen yeares old It assisted me also towards this good end to find that there was no meanes for me to winne the fauour of
my Parents but by the way of Vertue My Father was a man of much charitie towards poore people and of compassion towards the sick yea and he had so much pittie euen of his seruants that he could neuer resolue to keepe anie slaues for the tendernes which he had towards them And there being once a slaue in his house who belonged to a Brother of his he caused him to be treated and fed as if he had been one of his owne Children and sayd through his great compassion that he could not endure to see such as he was vnless they might be made free He was a man of much truth nor did euer anie creature heare him either detract or sweare He was exeedingly honest and chast My Mother also was enriched with manie Vertues and she passed through this life of hers with grieuous sicknesses Her chastitie and puritie was great in the verie highest degree and though she had an abundance of Beautie yet was it neuer so much as heard that she gaue occasion for the world to conceaue that she made anie account of it at all For comming afterwards to dye when she was but three and thirtie yeares old the order of her attire had yet been such as might haue well become a person of Age. She was of a most sweet disposition and yet vvithall of a very solid vnderstanding The afflictions vvhich she sustained in this life vvere great and she made a most Christian end when she dyed VVe vvere three Sisters and nine Brothers and all through the goodnes of Almightie God vvere like our Parents in being vertuous except myself though yet I vvas the most beloued of them all by my Father and truly till I beganne to offend Almightie God he might seeme to haue had some reason For it goes to my verie hart to remember and consider those good inclinations vvhich our Lord had giuen me and the very little I knew how to serue myself thereof My Brothers also vvere such in their proceeding and vvay of life as that they did not by anie meanes dis-assist me from seruing Almightie God One of them vvas almost of my yeares and I loued him best of them all though yet I loued them all very much as they also did me But vve tvvo ioyned much togeather in reading the Liues of Saints and when I saw the Martyrdomes through vvhich some of them had passed for the loue of our Lord me thought they had bought Heauen vvhere they vvere to see and enioy his Diuine Maiestie very good cheape And myself also desired much to dye so though not yet for the loue vvhich I found and felt my self to beare him but rather that I might come by so compendious a vvay to enioy those great felicities which I had read to be imparted in Heauen I associated my self therefore to this Brother of mine to consider vvhat meanes there might be for our obtaining this end And so vve grevv to resolue that vve vvould goe into Barbarie amongst the Mores and begg by the vvay as vve vvent that so vve might come by degrees to loose our liues there for our Lord. And it seemed that he gaue vs courage enough for this purpose euen in that tender age of ours if vve could haue found anie meanes to sett it on foot but our euen hauing of Parents seemed to be the greatest hindrance vve had We found our selues much amazed to perceaue in those things vvhich vve read that both the Paine and Glorie of the next life vvas to last for euer and vve chanced to speake often of this particular and vve tooke pleasure in repeating these vvords many times For euer For euer For euer and by continuing to pronounce them long and often our Lord vvas pleased to imprint the way of Truth vpon my hart in that verie infancie of mine But novv vvhen I savv it vvas impossible for me to goe where they might put me to death for the loue of our Lord my Brother and I proiected how to become Heremits at home and so in a certaine Garden vvhich belonged to the house vve procured to set vp some little Oratoryes or Chappels after the manner of Heremitages the best we could and vve assembled little stones for that purpose vvhich vvould instantly be falling downe againe and so vve met vvith no meanes to put out good desires in execution But in the meane time I am not vvithout some feeling of deuotion to consider hovv soone it pleased Almightie God to giue me this kinde of tendernes towards him vvhich aftervvards I grevv to loose through mine ovvne fault I gaue Almes as vvel as I could though it vvere but little I procured to be much alone for the better doing my deuotions vvhich vvere manie and especially that of the Rosarie to which my Mother vvas much affected and she endeauoured also to make vs so I tooke particular contentment vvhilst I vvas playing vvith other Children like myself to frame certaine little things like Monasteries as if vve had been Religious woemen and me thought I desired to be one though yet not vvith such vehemencie of affection as I did those other things vvhereof I spake I remember that vvhen my Mother dyed she left me a little less then tvvelue yeares old and as soone as I beganne to vnderstand hovv great a losse I had sustained by loosing her I vvas very much afflicted and so I vvent besore an Image of our Blessed Ladie and I humbly besought her vvith manie teares that she vvould vouchsafe to be my Mother And though I performed this little action but in a plaine and simple manner yet me thinkes I may vvel conceaue that it hath serued me to verie good purpose for I haue most euidently found the fauour of this Soueraigne Virgin concerning all things vvherein I haue recommended myself to her care and in fine she hath brought me about to her self It afflictes me to the very hart to see and consider hovv poore those impediments vvere vvhich kept me from remaining entire and constant in those good desires vvhich I beganne to haue But O my deare Lord since it seemes thou vvilt vouchsafe to saue me and I beseech thy Diuine Maiestie that it my be so and to shevv me so great fauours as thou hast donne me might it not please thee not for my interest and profit but for that high reuerence vvhich is due to thy self to take order that this house of my hart vvherein thou shouldst for euer remaine might be no more defiled Nay it goes O Lord to my verie soule euen to say thus much because I knovv and feele that the fault therof vvas vvholy mine for as for thee I finde clearly enough that there wanted nothing at all on thy part to secure me for being totally thine ovvne euen from that tender age of mine And if I vvould be content to seeke some colour to complaine of my Parents vvith as little reason also can I doe that since I could neuer discouer any thing in
I still desired to recouer my health though yet I endured my sicknes with great alacritie And I would be thinking and considering sometimes that if by enioying my health I might chance be damned it would be better for me to remaine still as sick as I was but howsoeuer I conceiued that I should be able to serue Almightie God much better if I could enioy my health Now this is the abuse and errour which deceaues vs not to resigne ourselues entirely to the disposition and good pleasure of our Lord who knowes best what is fitt for vs. But in the meane time I got manie Masses sayd for this purpose and I resorted also to the vse of other solid and approued Prayers for I was neuer a friend of certaine odd deuotiōs which are vsed by diuers persons and especially by woemen with some odd Ceremonies which I could neuer endure since I vnderstood that they sauoured of Superstition howsoeuer other folkes were moued by them And so I tooke for my Aduocate and Lord the Glorious S. Ioseph and I recommended my self much to him and I haue seen clearly that this Father and Lord of mine hath drawne me as well out of this necessitie as out of other greater when there was question of Honour and Losse of the Soule and that with more benefit and aduantage then euen my self could tell how to desire Nay I cannot remember that hitherto I euer desired anie thing by his meanes which he hath failed to obtaine for me and it is able euen to amaze me when I consider the great Fauours which Almightie God hath donne me by meanes of this Blessed Saint and the dangers both of Bodie and Soule out of which he hath deliuered me In such sort as that it seemes our Lord hath giuen the grace and power to other Saints to succour men in some one kinde of necessitie of theirs but I finde by good experience that this glorious Saint succours vs in them all and that our Lord will make vs vnderstand that as he would be subiect to S. Ioseph vpon earth and that by enioying the name of his Father and by being as it were his Directour and Tutour he might command him so also he would now in Heauen grant whatsoeuer this Saint should desire This truth hath also been seen by the experience of others whome I haue desired to recommend themselues to this Saint and now manie are growne to be deuoted to him and my self also haue fresh experience of this truth For my part I procured to celebrate his Festiuitie with all the solemnitie I was able to vse but yet with more vanitie then true spirit desiring that it might be performed with much curiositie and exactnes though yet still with good intention But I euer had this of ill That if our Lord enabled me at anie time to doe anie thing which was good it would be full of imperfections and faults whereas towards the doing anie thing amiss and for the exercising of curiositie and vanitie I vsed much diligence and dexteritie and cunning our Lord pardon me for it And now I would faine perswade all the world to be deuoted to this glorious Saint for the great experience which I haue had of the blessings that he obtaines for vs of Almightie God nay I haue neuer knowne anie one who is seriously deuoted to him and performes him particular seruices whome I finde not also to goe proceeding on in vertue for really he assists those soules much which recommend themselues to him And to my best remembrance there are diuers yeares wherein I haue desired somewhat of him vpon his Festiuall Day and I haue euer found it granted and if peraduenture my petition had some little of the indirect belonging to it he redressed it and set it streight for my greater good If I were anie such person as had authoritie to write I would gladly enlarge my self heer to make particular relation of the Fauours which this glorious Saint hath obtained both for me and others but to the end that I may doe no more then I am commanded I must be shorter in manie things then I would and more large in others then is needfull like one in fine who hath little discretion for the doing of anie thing which is good Only I begg for the loue of Almightie God that whosoeuer can belieue me will try the truth of what I say for he shall find by experience how greatly a good thing it is to recommend himself to this glorious Patriarch and to be deuoted to him Especially such as giue themselues to Prayer should alwaies be affectionate to this Saint for I know not how one can thinke of the Queen of the Angells at those times when she suffered so much during the Infancie of our Lord Iesus and not giue thankes to S. Ioseph for the great assistance which he gaue them at that time Whosoeuer wants a Maister who might instruct him to pray let him take this glorious Saint for his guide and he shall neuer loose his way I beseech our Lord that I may haue committed no errour in presuming to speake of this Saint for though I thus professe and publish my self to be deuoted to him yet haue I been euer faultie in the not doing him reall seruices and in not imitating his vertues But now he did like himself by procuring that I might be able to rise and walke and be no longer a Cripple and so I did also like my self in making so ill vse of this fauour But now who would euer haue imagined that I could so soone fall back againe after my receiuing so manie regalo's at the hands of Almightie God and after his Diuine Maiestie had vouchsafed to giue me some Vertues which euen as it were of themselues did awake and stirr me vp to his seruice and after I had seen my self euen as it were dead and in so imminent danger to be condemned to Hell and after he had raised me againe both in Bodie and Soule in such sort that all they who saw me were euen amazed to finde that I could so long be aliue But what is this O my Lord and my God Is this life to be still so dangerous which we are to liue Euen now whilst I am writing this me thinkes that by this fauour and mercie I might be able to say with S. Paul though yet not with such perfection as he sayd it that now It is not I vvho liue but thou O my Creatour vvho liuest in me according to the experience which I haue had some yeares by that little which I am able to vnderstand of my self and still thou holdest and keepest thy hand ouer me and I find my self full of desires and good purposes and in some sort I haue proued also euen by experience of manie things in these late yeares that I would by no meanes doe anie thing which should contradict or cross thy will how little soeuer it might be though yet I well belieue that I
I remained so altered yea and so astonished that I intended to see that person no more It did me a great deale of hurt that I knew not at that time that it was possible for one to see anie thing but with the eyes of the Bodie and the Diuel was carefull enough to continue me in that erroneous opinion and to make me still belieue that it was impossible and therefore that I had but fancied certaine things to my self and that perhaps it might be a worke of the Diuel And he brought manie suggestions like this vpon me though yet still I were very confidently of opinion that it was God and no conceipt or fancie at all but yet still because it induced me to doe things which were against my gust I did the best I could euen to belye my verie self And forasmuch as I durst not conferr with anie bodie about this particular and found my self also extreamly importuned afterward and was wished to be assured that it could not be ill donne to see such a person as that and that there would be no loss of honour by it but rather gaine I returned to enioy the same conuersation yea and also at other times I conuersed in like manner with others for they were manie yeares wherein I tooke this pestilentiall recreation and when once I was farre embarked therein it seemed not to me to be so very ill as yet indeed it was though still it be very true that sometimes I discerned clearly enough that it was not good But yet no other conuersation distracted me so much as this in particular did by reason of the great affection which I bore to the partie But my selfe being afterwards againe with the same person we both of vs saw coming towards vs and there were others also present who saw it too a certaine thing which had the manner of a great Toade and it pressed and passed on with very much more speed then such creatures vse to haue For my part I was not able to conceaue how such a filthie Beast as that should get into that roome through that part from whence it came and euen as it were at Noone day nor had euer anie such thing been seen there The effect which it wrought with me seemes not to haue been void of some mysterie and this also was a thing which I could neuer forget But O greatnes of Almightie God! with how much care pittie wert thou admonishing me in so manie kindes and by so manie wayes how little did I permitt that all these warnings should help There was also there at that time a certaine Religious woeman of my kindred and she was antient and a great seruant of God and of much discipline in her Religious Order She also would sometimes be giuing me good counsel but I did not only not belieue her but was also disgusted with her as conceauing that she would needs take scandall at me without cause And this I heer relate to the end that both my wickednes and the great goodnes of Almightie God may be the better vnderstood and that it may be knowne how well I deserued Hell for my great ingratitude and I doe it also to this end that if our Lord may so ordaine be pleased that anie Religious vvoemen may fall vpon reading this Discourse they may be brought to be carefull to take vvarning by me and I begg of them that for the loue of our Lord they vvil take heed of such recreations as these And I beseech his Diuine Maiestie that some one of them may be dis-abused vvhome I haue deceaued vvhen I told them that it vvas not ill and vvhen being in such blindnes at that time I procured to assure them that there vvas no danger at all and in regard also that by the ill example vvhich I gaue gaue them as I haue related heer I was a cause to them of great mischief vvhilst yet I thought not that I did so much hurt and though also it be certaine that I had no designe at all to deceaue them But now euen vvhilst I vvas yet much indisposed in the vvay of health both concerning Bodie and Minde and so before I vvas able to help my self in either kinde I grew into an extreame desire to doe others good vvhich is a very ordinarie temptation for new beginners though yet it hapned now to succeed vvell vvith me And considering how dearly I loued my Father I vvished him the self same benefit vvich I conceaued my self to haue gotten and gained by meanes of Mentall Prayer and esteeming that in this life there vvas no greater blessing then to obtaine and enioy that guift I beganne by certaine vvayes of discourse to procure the best I could that he vvould endeauour to obtaine it and I gaue him certaine Bookes for this purpose Now he being a man of so much vertue as I haue already declared grew to settle himself so very well in this exercise that he came vvithin fiue or six yeares for so long I thinke it vvas to be so vvell improued and aduanced therein that I blessed our Lord much for the fauour and it gaue me an extreame consolation The troubles and crosses vvhich he endured vvere very great and of manie kindes and he passed through them all vvith much conformitie to the vvill of our Lord. He came to see me often and vvas greatly comforted to treat of Spirituall things And vvhen now I liued so distracted and diffused vvithout vsing Mentall Prayer and saw vvithall that he conceaued me to be still the verie same that I had been before I vvas not able to endure to liue vvithout vn-deceauing him for I had then been a yeare and more vvithout Mental Prayer as thinking it more humilitie for me to abstaine and this as I shall declare afterwards vvas the greatest and vvorst temptation that euer I had for by this meanes Iranne headlong vpon my totall ruine vvhereas vvhen I frequented Prayer if I offended God one day I returned to recollect my self vpon another and so to absent my self from the occasion But that blessed man my Father coming to see me in such state as this it vvas too much for me as I vvas saying to let him vvalke on so farre in errour as to thinke that I still conuersed vvith God in Prayer as formerly I had donne and so I told him then that I did no longer vse Mentall Prayer though yet I did not tell him the cause thereof but I alleadged my infirmities for the reason and that although I vvere recouered of the mayne sicknes I had yet diseases yea and very great ones still and that although of late they had not assaulted me vvith so very great fiercenes as before yet they failed not still to continue and to exercise me also in manie kindes In particular that I had certaine vomits for twētie yeares togeather euerie morning in such sort as that I could neuer breake my fast till Noone vvas past yea and
sometimes not so soone And since of late I am growne able to receaue the B. Sacrament more often it proceeds from this that these vomits come to me at night before I goe to bed and they put me to much more paine and then I must procure to hasten and facilitate them by the vse of feathers and such other things because if I haue not those vomits the sicknes vvhich I feele is extreame But indeed I am me thinkes almost neuer without manie kindes of paine and sometimes they are very sharp ones and especially at my verie hart though yet withall it be also true that the cruel Palsie and other infirmityes of Feauers which were wont to come very thick vpon me are now found to oppress me more seldome so that manie times I am well in those respects and I haue made so little account of these miseries for these eight yeares togeather that sometimes I am euen glad I haue them as conceauing that our Lord may be peraduenture serued in some sort thereby This was my discourse And now my Father belieued that this which I told him heer was indeed the true cause of my omission for himself neuer vsed to lye and considering in what sort and of what matter I was then discoursing to him he had no reason to thinke but that I sayd true and to the end that he might belieue me the better I told him also then that I well saw my self not to be without some fault and that I had enough to doe to be able to assist in the Quire though yet in verie deed euen this reason of corporall sicknes was no sufficient cause to make me giue anie good thing ouer for there is no need of corporall strength for such things as these but only of loue and custome since our Lord affords vs alwaies opportunitie if we will ourselues I say alwaies because though infirmities and other occasions my hinder one sometimes from spending manie howers in Solitude yet there will not want some other time wherein we may haue health enough for this busines yea and euen in other occasions as also in the midst of sicknes it self the truest Prayer may be made since it is the Soule which loues by offering vp that paine to Almightie God and in remembring for whome it is endured and in conforming ones self to God's holie will therein and in a thousand such other things as will occurr And thus may one exercise Loue for there is no necessitie at all for a person either to be in Solitude or els that there must be no Mentall Prayer at all If we will take a little care we may arriue to obtaine great blessings at those times when our Lord euen takes time for Prayer from vs by meanes of our sicknesses and paine and my self had found this to be true as long as my Conscience was pure and good But my Father through the opinion which he held of me and the loue he bore me belieued all that I had sayd or rather he not only belieued but had also pittie of me though yet being then growne to find himself in so eminent and high a state of Spirituall Life he remained not with me very long And therefore hauing visited me he returned home as holding his stay there to be losse of time and I who was willing to spend it vpon other vanities was not troubled very much at his departure It was not only with him but with other persons also whome I procured that they should addict themselues to Mentall Prayer euen whilst I was walking on in those vanities for still as I found them apt to vse Vocall Prayer I told them how they should grow to haue the vse of Meditation and I did them good and gaue them Bookes for I had still a good desire that others should serue Almightie God euen from the verie first time that I vsed Mentall Prayer as I haue related heer It seemed to me that since now I serued not our Lord my self so well as I should yet I liked not that that light should be lost which his Diuine Maiestie had bestowed vpon me but that others might also serue him by my meanes And this I heer recount that so the great blindnes wherein I was may be the better seen which induced me to make me loose my self whilst yet I went procuring to doe good to others About this time my Father fell into the sicknes whereof he dyed shortly after But I went to attend and recouer him whilst my self was more sick in Soule then he was in Bodie through manie vanities of mine though yet not in such sort as that according to my vnderstanding I was in Mortall Sinne euen in all this worst wickedest time whereof I speake for certainly if I had conceaued otherwise I should by no meanes haue continued therin I endured some affliction and trouble in his sicknes and I thinke I also made him some part of poore amends for the paines which he had taken with me in mine for now being ill enough in my self I yet strained very hard to doe him seruice and besides I well considered that by the onlie losse of him all my comfort and regalo was to be lost for it all was shut vp in onlie him I animated my self also so much towards the not shewing him that I was in anie paine and in continuing so euen till he expired as if I had felt no trouble at all though yet it be very true that when I saw him come to be vpon the verie point to loose his life it seemed to me as if mine owne verie Soule had then been torne out of my Bodie for I loued him much It was a thing to make our Lord be highly praised to see the death which my Father dyed togeather with the desire which he also had to dye and the counsel which he gaue vs after he had receaued extreame Vnction and how he charged vs to recommend him to God and that we should begg mercie of him for his Soule and that we must serue him euer and consider that all this world must come to end With teares he also told vs how sad he was at the hart for not hauing serued his Diuine Maiestie better That he wished he were some Religious man I meane that he had been so and that of the most strict who were in the world And I hold it for very certaine that some fifteen dayes before our Lord gaue him to vnderstand that he was not to liue because before that verie time he did not thinke he was sick though yet he were so in good earnest But afterwards though he seemed to mend much in point of health and though the Doctours bad him belieue that there was no danger at all yet he made no account of that but only attēded to put his Soule in good order That sicknes of his beganne with a very grieuous paine round about his shoulders which neuer left him and sometimes it pressed him
me to see a Soule so pertinacious and so vngratefull towards him who had vouchsafed it so great Fauours And I wish I could get leaue to declare that multitude of times that I failed of my obligation to Almightie God in this number of yeares by reason that I was not applyed to and supported by the strong pillar of Prayer I passed through this tempestuous Sea almost twentie yeares between these fallings and risings though I rose il-fauourdly enough since I returned againe so quickly to fall in this kind of life tending towards perfection but yet in so base a way as that I made no account at all of Veniall Sinnes and for such as were Mortall it is true that although I feared them yet I did not euen that as I ought since I absented not my self from the danger therof but I will be bold to say that it is one of the most painefull kindes of life that can possibly be imagined For I neither enioyed the sweetnes of God nor yet the satisfaction of the world When I found my self in the contentments of the world the remembrance of what I owed to God gaue me paine and whilst I was conuersing with his Diuine Maiestie the inclinations affections of the world gaue me disquiet And this is a kinde of warre so very painefull that I know not how it was possible for me to finde meanes to endure it for one moneth and much more how I could doe it for so manie yeares notwithstanding that I yet clearly see the great mercie which Almightie God shewed me heerin since I was to treat of manie things in the world that still I should haue the courage to giue my self to Prayer I say courage for as for me I see not what one thing there is of so manie as are to be found in the whole world wherein there is need of a greater then to treat of committing Treasons against a King and to know that he knowes it well and yet neuer to goe out of his presence For howsoeuer it be very true that we are alwaies in the presence of Almightie God yet me thinkes that they who conuerse with him in Prayer are in his presence after a more particular manner for they are seeing then that he sees them whereas others may perhaps remaine some dayes in his presence and yet without remembring that he lookes vpon them True it is that within that time there were I beleiue manie moneths and sometimes peraduenture a whole yeare that I kept my self from offending our Lord and gaue my self much to Mentall Prayer and I also vsed some yea and manie diligences that I might neuer grow more to offend him And because all that which I write now is to be deliuered with entirenes of truth I declare my self heer as you see But I remember little of those good dayes and therefore it may be thought they were few and the ill ones manie yet few of those few passed away without my allowing a good long time for Prayer vnlesse I were either very sick or extreamly busie The worse I was in my health the more I was vnited with God and I procured that such persons as vsed to be with me at those times might be so too and I begged it of our Lord and we spake very often of him And so vnless it were that one yeare of which I haue spokē in eight and twentie yeares which haue passed since I beganne first to vse Mentall Prayer I haue endured this battaile and strife of treating both with God and the World more then eighteen yeares In those other yeares whereof I am yet to speake the cause of the warre was changed though of it self it was no inconsiderable thing but in regard that I was then as I conceaue in the seruice of Almightie God and in a knowledge of the vanitie of whatsoeuer this world can be it did all proue delightfull and pleasant as I will shew heerafter Now the reason why I haue related all this is First as I was saying before to the end that the mercie of Almightie God togeather with my ingratitude may be well discerned And Secondly that it may be also vnderstood how great a blessing Almightie God doth to that Soule which he disposes to vse Mentall Prayer with a good affection and will though yet it should not be so very well disposed for it as were fitt for in fine if he perseuer therein what Sinne soeuer he committ and whatsoeuer Temptation be offered and whatsoeuer Falls be giuē him in a thousand strāge fashions by the Diuel I hold in fine for certaine that our Lord will draw him at length out of the Storme into the Port of Saluation as now by all apparance he hath drawne me and I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie that I may neuer returne againe to be lost Manie holie and good men haue written of the benefit which he obtaines who exercises himself in Prayer I meane Mental Prayer and glorie be to Almightie God for being the cause thereof and yet if that were not true though I haue little humilitie yet am I not withall so insolent as that I would presume to speake vpon this subiect But of that whereof I haue some experience I may vet presume to say somewhat and it is this That whosoeuer hath begunne to frequent the vse of Prayer I wish him not to giue it ouer whatsoeuer sinnes he committ in the meane time since this is the meanes by which he may recouer himself againe which he will find to be of much more difficultie without it And let not the Diuel tempt him to leaue it as he did me vpon a pretence of humilitie but let him firmly belieue that his words can neuer want truth who sayd That if we will repent our selues in good earnest and resolue to offend the Diuine Maiestie no more he restores vs to the same friendship which we had before with him and doth vs the same fauours vvhich he did vs before and sometimes they proue to be much greater if the repentance deserue it And vvhosoeuer hath not yet begunne this exercise I beseech him for the loue of our Lord that he vvill no longer depriue himself of so great a benefit There is nothing to be feared heer but much to be desired For though a man should not proceed so farr as to striue to gaine such perfection as may prepare and as it vvere deserue those gusts and regalo's vvhich God is vvont to giue to such persons yet the least vvhich he shall get vvill be that he shall be going on in the vvay to Heauen And I know so much of the mercie of Almightie God that I may conclude for certaine enough that no bodie euer tooke him for a friend whome he did not well requite for his paines For Mentall Prayer is no other thing in my opinion then a Treatie about making Friendship with Almightie God and a frequēt and priuate Commerce hand to hand with him by
in the Garden it vvas to my thinking as if our Lord had made it to be vttered for me so quick vvas that sense vvhich I had therof in my hart and I vvas for a very great vvhile euen dissolued as it vvere in teares and felt a great affliction and vexation O my deare Lord hovvmuch doth a Soule grovv to suffer and vvhat torments doth it endure for the loosing of her libertie vvhilst yet she vvas created and ordained to be the Ladie of her self and to command For my part I am in a wonder how I could be able to endure so great torments But blessed be Almightie God who gaue me life till I might get out of that so deadly a death And now me thought my Soule was obtaining great strength at the hands of that Diuine Maiestie and that now he might grow to be pleased to heare my Outcryes and haue compassion of my so manie teares Vpon this my affection to spend more time with him beganne to encrease and to take my self also out of the way of ill occasions for when they once were gone I began to loue his Diuine Maiestie againe At least I thought I might conclude my self then to loue him but the truth is that I vnderstood not as I ought to haue vnderstood in what the true loue of God did consist and to the best that I am able to iudge I did euen scarce make an end of disposing my self finally to resolue to serue him when his Diuine Maiestie began already to vouchsafe me new Regalos and Fauours And it seemes that what others must be glad to endeauour to get with much labour our Lord was faine to find meanes to make me content to accept which was in these latter yeares to delight and regale me in great measure I neuer presumed to desire that he would giue me euen so much as anie tendernes of deuotion but I only begd so great mercie as might winne him to allow me pardon for my sinnes already committed and so much grace as that I might committ no more But I seing how great they were durst neuer aduisedly desire anie regalo's or spirituall delights at his hands for me thought he shewed me pittie enough and it was really a very eminent mercie to consent that I should ariue to be in his presence considering how well I knew that if himself had not procured it I should neuer haue come Only once in my whole life I remember that whilst I was in great drynes of Deuotion I desired him to giue me some little spirituall gust but as soone as I reflected vpon what I had donne I remained so full of confusion by it that the onlie vexation I had to see my self with so little humilitie did giue me that verie aduantage which I had presumed to beg I was not ignorant that it might be no way an vnlawfull thing to desire it but I conceaued that this was true for them vvho vvere vvell disposed to receiue it by their hauing procured true deuotion vvith all their power vvhich consists in not offending Almightie God and in being inclined and resolued to doe all that vvhich vvas good And mee thought those teares of mine vvere but faint and feminine teares and vvithout anie force or strength since I obtained not that by them which I desired though yet vpon the whole matter I also belieue that they were vsefull to me as I haue sayd For in particular after those two seuerall times of that so great compunction and trauaile of hart which I had I beganne to giue my self more to Prayer and to interest my self lesse in such things as might doe me hurt though yet I did not vtterly giue them ouer but God as I was saying went helping me to withdraw my self out of those dangers For his Diuine Maiestie did but expect some preparation or disposition in me that so his Spirituall Fauours might grow on in such sort as I shall relate our Lord being not accustomed to grant them but to such as maintaine their Consciences in more puritie then mine had formerly possessed THE TENTH CHAPTER She beginnes to declare the Fauours vvhich our Lord did her in Prayer and speakes of that vvherein vve may be able to help our selues And hovv much it also imports vs to vnderstand the said Fauours vvhich our Lord is pleased to doe vs. She humbly desires of him to vvhome she sends this account of herself that vvhatsoeuer she shall declare from hence forvvard may remaine in secret vvith him since he had commanded her to set dovvne in so particular a manner the Fauours vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her I Enioyed sometimes as I sayd some beginnings of that which I shall now declare though it vsed to passe away very quickly It fell out in this representation whereof I spake when I placed my self neer Christ our Lord yea and sometimes also when I would be reading that there would come suddainly vpon me and without either expectation or anie immediate preparation on my part such an euident feeling of the presence of Almightie God as that I could by no meanes doubt but that either he was within me or els I all ingulfed in him This was not in the manner of a Vision but I thinke they call it Mysticall Theologie and it suspends the Soule in such sort that she seems to be wholy out of her self The Will is in act of louing the Memorie seems to me to be in a manner lost the Vnderstanding in my opinion discourses not although it be not lost yet it workes not in that kinde as I was saying but remaines as it were amazed to consider how much it vnderstands though yet it pleases God that it vnderstand it self also not to vnderstand fully anie part of that which his Diuine Maiestie represents to it Before this time I had been vsed to finde a very constant and continuall tendernes or sweetnes which I thinke may in some part be procured and it is a regalo which is neither wholy sensuall nor wholy spiritual but it is wholy the guift and blessing of Almightie God and it seemes that we may greatly help towards the obtaining this for our selues by considering our owne basenes and the ingratitude which we vse towards Almightie God how much he did for vs his Passion and grieuous Torments his whole Life which was so full of affliction to delight our selues in considering his Workes and his Greatnes how much he loues vs and manie other such things as these vpon which whosoeuer shall haue care to profit will be able to fall manie times though yet he haue iust then no particular designe that way And if togeather with these reflections the partie fall out to be possessed and seazed with anie loue of Almightie God the Soule will be all regaled the hart will be full of tendernes and relenting and teares will also abound which sometimes we shall seem to haue gotten as it were by force and at other times
what I was before And this doe I intreat your Reuerence that you will beg of our B. Lord for me since you know with more clearnes what I am then heer you haue giuen me leaue to expresse THE ELEAVENTH CHAPTER She declares in vvhat the fault consists of not obtaining to loue God vvith perfectiō in short time She beginnes to deliuer it by a Comparison vvhich containes Foure degrees of Prayer And she treats heer of the First vvhich is very profitable for beginners and for them also vvho haue no sensible delight or gust in Prayer NOw to speake of them who beginne to be Seruants of our Blessed Lord for Loue and to me it seemes to be nothing els to resolue to follow him by this way of Prayer who loued vs so much I find it to be a thing of so great dignitie that I regale my self after a strange manner euen by the very thought thereof For seruile feare will instantly flye away if we carrie ourselues as we ought in this first degree of Prayer O thou Lord of my Soule and my eternall Good how comes it to passe that when a Soule resolues to loue thee and to doe the vttermost she can to leaue all this world that so she may the better employ her self vpon this loue of thee thou art not pleased that she should instantly enjoy the getting vp to possesse this perfect loue But I haue sayd ill for I ought indeed to haue sayd that I complaine against our selues because it is wee who will not possesse it since all the fault is ours for not instantly obtaining this true loue of God with perfection which carries all kindes of blessings in company thereof For the matter is that we set so high a price vpon our selues and we are withall so slow in giuing our harts totally to God that as his Diuine Maiestie on the one side will not permitt that we should enioy so pretious a thing without paying well for it so on the other we neuer make an end of disposing our selues therein as we ought I am able to see well enough that there is nothing at all in this world with which so great a treasure can be bought but yet if we did indeed what we could by not fastning our selues to anie thing of this world but that all our cares and considerations were sent-vp to Heauen I am confident that this blessing would be imparted to vs with very great speed if speedily and entirely as I was saying we disposed our selues to the receauing thereof as some Saints haue done But the miserie is that we thinke we giue God all and the truth is that we offer his Diuine Maiestie but the yearlie Rents or Reuenues and Fruits our selues remaining still with the rootes and possession of the Land We resolue to make our selues poore for God's sake and it is a point of great merit to doe so but yet we returne manie times to take care and to vse diligences enow that nothing may be wanting to vs I say not of that which is necessarie but sometimes also euen of that which is superfluous and to be procuring also to make friends who may help vs to it and so put vs still into more care yea perhaps into more danger too that so we may grow to want nothing then euen we had before when we were the possessours of our owne estates It seemes also that when we came to be Religious or as soone as we beganne to lead a Spirituall life and to aspire towards perfection we gaue-ouer to care for the honour of this world and yet as soone as euer anie Creature beginns but to touch vs in that kind we forget that we had already giuen it away to Almightie God and we resolue sometimes to snatch it againe out of his hands and runne away with it euen after we seemed to haue voluntarily made him the entire Lord therof And iust thus doth it also happen sometimes in other things Now this indeed is a very delicate fine foolish ridiculous way of seeking the loue of Almightie God when togeather with this pretence we will as a man may say haue our hands still full of the same imperfect inclinations and affections vvhich vve had before since vve doe not procure indeed to effect our owne former good desires and still vve endeauour not at length to raise them vvholy vp from the earth and yet vve vvill needs expect the while to enioy manie Spirituall comforts and delights But this seemes not to be of a Suite nor doth the one Stuffe sitt well vvith the other and therefore because vve vvill not once resolue to giue our selues totally vp to Almightie God vve come not totally to enioy this Treasure And I pray God it may please his Diuine Maiestie to vouchsafe to grant it to vs though it should be but by drop and drop and though it should grovv to cost vs all the labours and troubles of the vvhole vvorld A very great deale of mercie doth our Blessed Lord shevv to that person to vvhome he giues the firme purpose and grace to resolue vpon procuring this blessing vvith all his power for certainly if such an one shall perseuer Almightie God vvill deny himself to no Creature but will by little and little goe enabling that Soule in such sort as that at length it shall find it self to be victorious But I sayd that the Partie must haue courage because the Diuel doth ordinarily in the beginnings dispose himself to represent yea and frame very great difficulties to the end that so we may not hold-on this way in good earnest as one who knowes very vvell vvhat preiudice is like to grovv to him by it not only through his loosing the Soule of that Partie but of manie others also if he vvho beginns to serue God endeauour once by his fauour to ariue to the perfection therof For I belieue that such an one will neuer goe alone to Heauen but will carrie very manie with him and that like a good Captaine he shall finde that God will giue him a faire Companie So that since the Diuel will be sure to lay such dangers and difficulties in his way there will be need of very great courage and resolution to keep one from running away yea and also there vvill be need of much and much and very much fauour and mercie of Almightie God for this purpose Now therefore to speake of the beginnings of such as be already resolued to goe in search after so great a blessing and to obtaine vvhat they aspire to in the end for as for that vvhereof I vvas going once to speake concerning Mysticall Theologie for so I thinke it is called I vvill treat thereof afterward the great and greatest trouble consists euer in these verie beginnings For those are they which cost most when a Soule comes to giue our Lord the whole Stock And in the other degrees of Prayer which follow the most part of that which passes is
anie because then our Lord is pleased to multiply our vertues by that meanes THE TWELFTH CHAPTER She prosecutes her Discourse of the First State or Degree of Prayer and declares hovv farre vve may ariue of our selues by the Fauour of our Lord And of the hurt it brings to desire that our Spirit may rise to Supernaturall and Extraordinarie things till our Lord himself be pleased to ordaine it THat which I pretended to giue to be vnderstood in the last Chapter though yet I diuerted my self much vpon other things in regard that I thought them very necessarie was to declare how much we might be able to acquire and how in this First part of our deuotions we might to some proportion help our selues because the considering and ruminating vpon that which our Lord suffered for vs is wont to moue vs to compassion and the sorrow and teares which grow from thence is a very sauourie and delightfull kind of thing And so to thinke of the Glorie for which we hope and of the Loue which our Lord bore vs as also of his Resurrection moues vs to ioy which is neither wholy Spirituall nor wholy Sensuall but this is a vertuous kind of ioy on the one side as on the other that former paine is very meritorious And of this sort are all those things which cause anie such deuotion as is acquired in part by the Vnderstanding though yet there be no merit nor gaine therein vnlesse Almightie God be pleased to giue it But now it will be very fitt for a Soule which our Lord hath not raised anie higher not to procure to exalt her self and let this be very well noted for the contrarie course will help her to nothing but losse In this Degree or State she may performe manie good acts by way of resoluing to doe great things for Almighty God and to awake and stirr-vp her loue and others also by way of assisting her self to grow-vp in seuerall vertues according to what is contained in a certaine Booke called The Art of seruing God which is a very good one and very proper for such as finde themselues in this State because the Vnderstanding doth act and exercise it self heer She may also represent her self as in the presence of Christ our Lord and accustome her self to be greatly enamoured with his most Sacred Humanitie and to be euer carrying that along in her companie and to be often speaking to it and to beg his continuall assistance in all her necessities and euen to complaine to him of her afflictions and to ioy with him for her contentments and gusts but yet not to forget him vpon occasion thereof And all this without procuring to expresse her self in anie sett kind of Prayers but to make vse of such words alone as may haue conformitie with her owne necessities and desires This is an excellent way of finding profit and that in a very short time and whosoeuer shall earnestly labour to carrie this pretious companie with himself and shall haue proceeded well therein and shall haue found the way of louing in very good earnest this Lord of ours to whome we owe so much I will giue and passe my word that this person is a very good Proficient For this purpose let it not trouble vs a whitt not to finde our selues with sensible deuotion as I haue sayd but let vs giue thankes to our Lord for giuing vs so good desires to please him though our workes be weake This way of carrying Christ our Lord in our companie is very vsefull in all the Fowre States and Degrees of Prayer It is a most secure and safe meanes to goe profiting in the First Degree and that we shall gett quickly to the Second and then to be free also in the two last from those dangers which the Diuel may prouide for vs. For this in fine is that which we may be able to doe and for anie bodie to passe-vp from hence and to exalt his Spirit towards the feeling of certaine gusts which are not allowed him is but in my opinion to loose both the one and the other because in fine that is all Supernaturall and so the Vnderstanding being at a Stand and lost the Soule remaines all desolate and with great drynes And since this whole Building is grounded vpon Humilitie the neerer we grow to Almightie God the more shall we proceed and profit in this Vertue and if we doe not this all is lost And it seemes to be no better then a kind of pride if we desire to get-vp to a higher ranke since God doth vs but too much honour and fauour considering how vnworthie we are in suffering vs to be so neer to himself But now it must not be so vnderstood as if I spoke all this against raising-vp our thoughts to consider the high things of Heauen or of God or of the greatnesses which are there aboue as also of his Incomparable Wisdome For though I neuer did this because I had no abilitie for this purpose as I haue sayd and I found my self so miserable and so meane that God did me particular fauour to enable me to thinke of earthlie things by meanes whereof I might come afterward to vnderstand this truth for euen this was no small aduenture for me and how much more was it so to consider Celestiall things yet others may take benefit heerby and especially if they haue Learning and Knowledge which is in my opinion a great treasure towards this exercise of Prayer if it be accompanied with Humilitie I haue seen the truth of this very lately by occasion of some learned men who begunne not long agoe and yet haue proceeded and profited very much which makes me haue an earnest and euen a kind of impatient desire that manie such as are learned would grow to be very Spirituall men whereof I shall giue the reason heerafter But now that which I haue sayd Namely That men must not exalt themselues to rise higher then God doth raise them is a certaine kinde of Language of Spirit and he will vnderstand me who hath experience of it but as for me I know not how to expresse it if he know not how to vnderstand me by what I haue sayd In Mysticall Theologie whereof I beganne to speake the Vnderstanding ceases from working because Almightie God suspends it as I will declare heerafter if I be able and if he giue me grace for that purpose But as for vs to presume yea or so much as to thinke of suspending it is that which I am saying we should not doe Nor must we leaue to act and worke thereby and therewith for if we doe we shall be stupid and sottish and cold and we shall effect neither the one nor the other But when our Lord suspends and stopps it he furnishes it with matter vpon which the Partie may employ himself and at which he may be amazed and he makes him vnderstand more in the time and space of saying one
all their hopes are lost though for my part I conceaue that all that Losse is Gaine But let them as I haue sayd represent themselues as in the presence of Christ our Lord and without wearying of the Vnderstanding be speaking and regaling themselues with him and not tire their witts to finde out and frame certaine Discourses but let them only present their necessities and the reason which he may haue not so much as to endure them there Some one of these considerations will serue at one time and some other at an other that so the Soule may not be wearie of feeding alwaies vpon one dish These particulars are both very gustfull and very profitable also if once the Partie be accustomed to feed on them for they vse to bring great support and strength for the life of the Soule manie aduātages also otherwise I will declare my selfe further vpon this matter because all these points concerning Prayer carrie their difficulties along with them and vnlesse there be a good Directour at hand they are very hard to be vnderstood And this is the verie cause why though I would faine make short and that iustly because it would suffice for me but euen to touch them by reason of the great capacitie of him who commanded me to write these particulars of Prayer yet my dulnes is not able to declare explicate in few words a thing which it so much imports to be well vnderstood And because I suffered so very much by vsing only Bookes when I beganne the exercise of Prayer I haue compassion of all them who doe so too for it is no lesse then strange to see how farr otherwise Bookes are wont to be vnderstood then men see they ought to haue been when once they come to haue had experience of these things But now to returne to what I was saying let vs put our selues to consider some passage of the Passion of our Blessed Lord and for example let it be that when he was tyed to the Pillar And heer let the Vnderstanding search-out the cause of those great dolours and afflictions which his Diuine Maiestie felt in that Solitude of his as also vpon manie other things which if the Vnderstanding be good at working or els if he haue Learning he may easily be able to fetch from thence And this is a manner of Prayer wherein all Creatures may both beginne and proceed and make an end and it will be a very excellent and secure way till our Lord may perhaps carrie them on to other things which are supernaturall I say for all though yet there be manie Soules which profit more by other Meditations then by that of the Sacred Passion For as there are manie Mansions in Heauen when a Soule is there so are there also manie wayes thither Some profit more by considering Heauen and some afflict themselues best by thinking of Hell others by reflecting vpon Death and some if they be very tender-harted are too much troubled and vexed if they alwaies goe ruminating vpon the Passion and they regale themselues better yea and they also profit more by considering the Power and Greatnes of Almightie God in his Workes and the Loue he beares vs which they finde to be represented to them in all his Creatures And this is an admirable way of proceeding though yet still we must neither forget nor forbeare to consider the Life and Passion of our Blessed Lord very often that in fine being the verie thing from which all our good both euer did and euer can ariue to vs. He who is a Beginner had need be carefull to consider very well what that is whereby he profits most and to this purpose he will haue great need of a Directour if he can meet with an experienced man for if he be not so in good measure he may chance err by carrying a Soule on without either vnderstanding her himself or els giuing her to be vnderstood by the Partie For as the Partie cannot but know of how great merit it is for him to subiect himself to a Directour so he will not presume to depart from that which the other shall direct I haue mett with certaine Soules which haue been afflicted and deiected and streightned because he who had the instructing them wanted experience and I was hartily sorrie for them And some also I haue seen who knew not what to doe with themselues for they not vnderstanding matter of Spirit afflicted themselues both in Bodie and Soule and the while were sure enough not to benefit others One of them told me once of a Directour of hers who would not suffer her in eight yeares togeather to passe on out of the consideration of the knowledge of her self and yet our Lord had her then in the condition and degree of Quiet Prayer but so she was in trouble enough And though it be very true that this point of the knovvledge of ones self is neuer indeed to be vtterly giuen ouer nor is anie Soule in the way of Prayer to thinke she hath so much of the Gyant in her as not to vnderstand that manie times she must turne Child and suck againe and this must neuer be forgotten and perhaps I shall also speake often of it againe in regard that it imports so much because there is no State of Prayer so high wherein it will not be necessarie to turne-againe often to the beginning And this point of the knowledge of our selues and of our Sinnes is the daily bread which must be eaten with all the meate how delicate soeuer it may be of such as are in this way of Prayer yea and without this verie bread they will neuer be able to support and strengthen themselues yet must euen this be taken by weight and measure For when once a Soule findes her self layd very flatt and low and sees clearly that she hath no good thing of her owne and findes her self to be full of confusion and shame so much as to appeare in the presence of so great a King and the little which she is able to pay him for the very much which she findes her self to owe him what necessitie is there to spend so very much time vpon this without applying our selues to such other things as our Lord may perhaps set before vs and which it will not be reason for vs to leaue since his Diuine Maiestie knowes better then we vpon what it is conuenient for vs to feed So that it imports vs very much that the Directour be well aduised I meane also that he be of good vnderstanding and experience and if with this he be also learned it will be of mightie importance But yet still when all these three parts shall not chance to meet togeather in the same man the two former qualities of these three will fall out to import more then the third because they may easily procure to consult with such as are learned whensoeuer they shall haue need thereof
for the making a little more Prayer we shall out-stripp them who yet are subiect to so great Pennance Blessed be thou O Lord who hast made me so vnprofitable and vn-vsefull but yet I praise thee after an extraordinarie manner in regard that thou awakest so very manie who may awake vs. And we should doe well to make very continuall Prayer for them who giue vs light for what would become of vs without them in the midst of so great tempests as are now in the Church If some men haue been wicked the good will shine the brighter by their meanes I beseech our Lord to hold them vp with his hand that he may help such as help vs Amen I haue trauailed farr out of the way from that which I was going to say but all will serue the turne for beginners to the end that they may so put themselues vpon this high way that it may also proue to them a true way Returning therefore to what I sayd of meditating vpon Christ our Lord at the Pillar it is good to discourse a while and to thinke vpon the paine which he felt there and why he felt it and who it is that felt it and the Loue wherewith he felt it yet let not the Partie wearie himself by going about to seeke all this but let him remaine still there with a calme and quiet kinde of vnderstanding If he can let him employ himself vpon cōsidering who lookes vpon him and let him accompanie him and beg of him and humble himself before him and regale himself with him and in fine let him remember that our Lord deserued not to be there Whensoeuer you shall be able to doe this though it should fall out to be at the verie beginning of your Prayer you will find great benefit by it nay manie benefits are acquired by this manner of Prayer and at least my Soule found it so I know not whether I hitt right in declaring my self but your Reuerence will consider of that and I beseech our Blessed Lord that I may hitt right in euerlastingly pleasing him Amen THE FOVRTEENTH CHAPTER She beginnes to declare the Second Degree of Prayer vvherein our Lord is already pleased to giue the Soule more particular gusts vvhich she relates to the end that she may make them be vnderstood to be Supernaturall This Discourse is very much to be noted SInce now it is already declared with how much labour this Orchard is watered and how by the strength of the arme the Water is to be gotten out of the Well we must say somewhat of that Second way of drawing-vp this Water which the Lord of the Garden hath ordained that so by this artifice of the Wheele with those little Buckets which belong to it the Gardner may draw out more water and with lesse trouble and may be able to rest now and then and not be continually in labour Now this way being applyed to Prayer which is wont to be called Quiet Prayer is that whereof now I will treat The Soule doth heer beginne to recollect and as it were shut it self vp And it touches a little heer vpon the Supernaturall because the Powers thereof can by no meanes gaine this for it self by all the diligences which it can possibly vse It is true that sometimes she may seem to haue wearled her self in going round about the Turne and to haue laboured hard with the Vnderstanding and so to haue filled-vp the little Bucketts but heer the Water is growne-vp to be higher and so she labours much less then she did in drawing it out of the Well I say the Water is growne neerer to her because Grace giues it self now to be more clearly knowne by the Soule This is a kind of recollecting and as it were a shutting-vp of the Powers of the Soule into her self that so she may be able to enioy the contentment which then she hath with more gust But yet the vse of the Faculties is not lost nor doe they sleep but only the Will is employed and possessed in such sort that it is growne to be captiued though yet it self know not how only it giues consent that Almightie God may put it in Prison as one who vnderstands now very well how to let it self be made Prisoner to whome it loues O my deare Iesus and my Lord of how much worth is thy loue to vs in this case since it holds our loue fast in so strong chaines that it leaues vs not euen libertie at that instant to loue anie other thing then thy self The other two Faculties which are the Vnderstanding and Memorie are then assisting the Will to the end that they may goe enabling it to enioy so great a good although now and then it happen that howsoeuer they be euen thus vnited to the Will they yet are apt enough sometimes to dis-assist it much But in this case let not the Will make any great account of that but remaine still in her quietnes and ioy For if she shall persist in resoluing to recollect those other Faculties to herself both they and she will loose by the bargaine For they are then as so manie Doues who cōtent not themselues with the food or baite which the Lord of the Doue-House presents without their labouring for it but they goe to seek it in other places though yet they soone grow to finde it so bad that they quickly returne againe and so come and goe to see whether the Will may be brought to bestow anie part of that vpon them which it enioyes And if our Lord please to cast them anie food they stay and if not they goe againe to seeke it and all this while they conceaue that they are euen of vse and benefit to the Will it self though yet sometimes both the Memorie and Imagination euen whilst they haue a desire to represent that better to her which she enioyes fall out to doe her hurt in stead of good Let her therefore be content to carrie her self so towards them as I shall heer aduise since all that which passes heer is of extreame consolation and is obtained with so little labour that Prayer neuer wearies one heer though it chance to last very long because the Vnderstanding goes working now at great leasure and walkes as it were foot by foot and brings-vp another manner of quantitie of water then formerly it drew out of the Well and the teares which God giues in this case come already with very great ioy which howsoeuer we feele yet we procure them not This Water of the Well which imports the great Blessings and Fauours which our Blessed Lord shewes vs heer makes our vertues encrease incomparably more then that other of the former Degree of Prayer did because now the Soule is already beginning to get vp away from her owne miserie and already she growes to be allowed to haue some small notice euen of the gusts of glorie And this I thinke makes her thriue and
better set downe And it seemes to be as when one hath an Originall before him and then he may easily take-out the Coppie But if the Spirit be wanting there is no more power and meanes to make one word of this language suite well with an other then if as we may say we would suite Spanish and Turkish togeather euen though we should haue exercised our selues manie yeares in Prayer and therefore me thinkes it is of very great aduantage when I write if I be then in state of Prayer for I see clearly that it is not I who declare it nor who doe either order it then with my Vnderstanding nor yet know afterward how I declared it before and this happens to me very often But now let vs goe-back to our Orchard or Garden and see how these Trees beginne to button and budd-out towards flowring that they may afterward yeild fruit and how these Gillie-flowers and other odoriferous Plants dispose themselues to giue delight full Sent to the Owner I confesse that this Comparison regales and pleases me much for manie times in my beginnings and I humbly beseech our Lord that euen yet I may haue been a beginner to serue his Diuine Maiestie I say in those beginnings of that which I shall say afterward of my Life it was of much delight to me to consider that my Soule was a Garden and that our Lord walked in it vp and downe and I humbly pray him to encrease the odour of those little young Flowers of Vertue which shewed in all apparance that they would be glad to find meanes to sprout and that also they might serue for his Glorie and that he would be pleased to sustaine them since I desire nothing for my self and that he would also dresse and prune as manie of them as he pleased for already I knew well enough that they would thriue and grow the better afterward I say that he would cut and prune them in regard that some such times ariue now and then to the Soule as wherein there is no apparance left of this Garden at all but then all seemes to be withered and dry and that there neuer will come more Water to sustaine it yea and that there also seemes to haue neuer been anie vertue in that Soule In this case it vndergoes great affliction because our Lord is pleased that the poore Gardner may cōceaue that all that care is lost which he had formerly employed vpon sustaining and improuing his Garden But then comes-in the time of true plucking-vp and rooting-out all those little paltrie hearbes which till then had remained there how little soeuer they might be with making vs also know that no diligence of ours will serue if Almightie God take the Water of his Grace from vs that so in fine we may come to hold this poore miserable Nothing of ours in no manner of account yea and if the thing were possible euen for lesse then Nothing For heer great Humilitie makes vs the gainers since the Flowers will thus grow to reflourish O thou my Lord and my God! for I know not how to say this without teares and without a great Regalo to this poore Soule of mine is it possible O my Lord that thou art pleased to be thus amongst vs Yea and thou remainest in the B. Sacrament which may well be with all truth belieued because so it is and we may with much truth make this Comparison and if it be not through our owne fault we may enioy our selues togeather with thee yea and thou dost also reioyce to be with vs since thou declarest That it is thy delight to be vvith the Children of men O my Lord what is this For whensoeuer I heare but this word it is to me of great consolation yea and was so when I found my self in the worst condition But is it possible after this O my deare Lord that there should be in the whole world anie one Soule which ariuing to receaue such Fauours and Regalo's at thy hands and vnderstanding that thou reioycest so highly in her should yet returne to offend thee after the receauing of so manie Fauours and so great demonstrations of the loue thou bearest her in such sort as that they cannot possibly be doubted since the effects doe so manifestly declare it Yes yes it is most certaine that there is such a Soule in the world which hath offended thee and that not once but often yea and I am this verie Soule And I beseech thy Diuine Goodnes O my Lord that I may haue been the onlie Creature who euer committed so high a wickednes and who haue been guiltie of such an excessiue ingratitude against thee though yet already euen from this verie miserie of mine thy infinite goodnes hath been able to draw some aduantage yea and euen by how much the ill hath been greater the great benignitie of thy Mercies hath shined so much the more But now with how much reason may I resolue to celebrate them for all eternitie I most humbly beseech thee O my God that it may be so and that I may sing praises to thee for euer since now thou hast vouchsafed to shew thy goodnes so highly and so greatly to me that such as see it are amazed and as for me they carrie me very often euen out of my self And if I should once finde that I were depriued of thee I could be fitt O my Lord for nothing but to returne to be such a kind of Garden as that the Flowers being plucked-vp yet once againe this miserable earth of mine would returne to be a direct Dung-hill as it was before To the end therefore that I may praise thee the better permitt not I beseech thee O my Lord that this Soule may euer grow to be lost which thou hast bought with so manie afflictions of thine owne and which thou hast so often repurchased againe and againe and taken from out of the verie teeth of that hideous Dragon of Hell I beseech your Reuerence excuse me for speaking thus from the purpose and doe not wonder at it since it is at least to mine owne purpose to speake as I doe For it happens according to those apprehensions and reflections which the Soule chances to make when one writes And sometimes it falls-out to be hard enough to forbeare to celebrate the praises of Almightie God when it happens that the penn represents such things as expresse the high obligations which we haue to his Diuine Maiestie And I belieue that this will be no way displeasing to your Reuerence for I am of opinion that we may both of vs doe very well to sing one Song though yet after a different manner because it is much more which I owe to Almightie God then you in regard that he hath pardoned me more Sinnes as your Reuerence knowes very well THE FIFTEENTH CHAPTER She prosecutes her Discourse of the same matter and giues some aduise hovv persons are to carrie themselues in this kinde
of Quiet Prayer She treats hovv manie Soules come to ariue to this Degree of Prayer and that fevv passe beyond it The particulars vvhich are touched heer are not only very profitable but very necessarie LEt vs now returne to our purpose This Quietnes and Recollection of the Soule is easily perceiued by the satisfaction and peace which is infused into her with a very great contentment and calmnes of the Powers of the sayd Soule togeather with a very great delight And now it seemes to her because she is not come yet anie further that already she hath nothing left to desire and that with a very good will she could make the same suite with S. Peter That her aboade might be euer there She dares not stirr or moue nay she would hardly giue her self leaue so much as to take her breath for feare least so that Good should be flying away out of her hands And the while the poore little Soule vnderstands not that as by her owne power she could doe nothing for the drawing of that good to her self so is she of lesse abilitie to detaine it there anie longer then our Lord shall be pleased to grant it I haue already declared that in this first Recollection and Quiet the Powers and Faculties of the Soule are not wanting but yet she is so fully satisfyed with God that as long as this occasion lasts howsoeuer those two other Powers may discompose themselues yet the Will remaining vnited with Almightie God that Quiet and calme rest is not lost but rather by little and little the Will againe recouers and recollects the Vnderstanding and Memorie For howsoeuer the sayd Will be not yet totally ingulfed yet is she so employed without knowing how that how diligent soeuer they be they know not how to depriue her of her contentment and ioy but rather she goes helping her self without anie trouble at all of her owne to the end that this little sparke of the Loue of Almightie God may not be quenched in her I beseech our Lord to allow me grace that I may giue this to be well vnderstood for there are manie and very manie Soules which ariue to be in this Degree or State and few which get beyond it and I know not who may be in fault thereof only I am sure enough that there is none in Almightie God For since his Diuine Maiestie doth a Soule the Fauour that she may be able to ariue to this point I cannot beleiue that he would cease to carrie her much further if it were not for some fault of her owne But now it imports the same Soule very much that when she ariues thus farre she may well vnderstand the great dignitie wherein she is and the great Fauours which our Lord hath donne her and how in all good reason she were no longer to be as of the Earth because it seemes now already that his goodnes makes her an Inhabitant of Heauen if it be not her fault and wretched shall she be if she turne back and I belieue it would be then to goe downe low enough whither I was going if the mercie of our Lord had not made me turne yet back againe For the most part in my opinion they giue ouer for very greiuous faults of their owne nor is it possible for anie Creature to quitt so great a good without the blindnes of being subiect to committ some very great ill And therefore I humbly beseech those Soules euen for the loue of our Lord to whome his Maiestie hath done so great a Fauour as to make them able to reach this Degree and State that they will know themselues yea and that they will hold themselues in great account with an humble and holie presumption that so they may neuer returne againe to the Flesh-Potts of Egipt And yet that if through their weaknes and wickednes and through their naughtie and miserable condition they should chance to fall back as I did they will euer be yet representing to themselues the great good which they haue lost and that also they will grow into suspicion of themselues and walke along with Feare as they haue really great cause to be afrayd And if they returne not to Prayer they will be sure to goe from bad to worse for this indeed doe I call a true Fall when one comes once to abhorre that verie way whereby they purchased so great a good and it is with such Soules that I am speaking now For I say not that Soules will neuer offend God nor that they will neuer committ anie Sinne though yet still it were but reason that whosoeuer had begunne to receaue such Fauours as these should be very carefull to keep themselues from committing anie But in fine we are miserable Creatures and that which I aduise very earnestly is that they will not giue-ouer their Prayer for there shall they come to know what they are doing and there shall they gaine sorrow for hauing left our Lord and strength to rise againe And let that Soule beleiue and let her doe it home that if she depart from Prayer she growes in my opinion to runne great hazard I know not whether I hitt right in what I say but at least I iudge of others by my self But now in the meane time this kinde of Prayer is a certaine Sparke of the Fire of that true Loue which our Lord beginnes to kindle in a Soule and his pleasure also is that the same Soule shall goe vnderstanding what kinde of thing this Loue is and what kinde of great Regalo and delight it brings This Quiet and Recollection and little Sparke if indeed it be of the Spirit of God and not a gust either giuen by the Diuel or yet procured by our selues though yet still one who hath experience cannot possibly but vnderstand at the verie instant that it is no such thing as can be acquired saue that euen in our verie Naturall condition we are so greedie of all that which is sauourie that we will needs tast of all but if as I sayd it be of the Diuel we quickly grow againe to be very cold And how much soeuer we our selues may beginne to make this Fire also burne for the procuring of this gust we seem to haue indeed a minde to doe no other busines heerby then to cast-on water enough to quench it whereas if in verie deed this little Sparke were of Diuine Loue and were conveyed by Almightie God into the Soule how small and poore soeuer it be it would find some shift or other to make a mightie noise And if the Soule doe not quench it by her owne fault this proues that verie thing which beginnes to make a huge kinde of fire and sends forth great flames from it self as I shall declare in fitt place of that mighty loue of God which his Diuine Maiestie is gratiously pleased that perfect Soules should enioy And this verie Sparke is a certaine kinde of signe and euen pawne
which his Diuine Maiestie giues to that Soule to shew that he chooses her out for great things if she will make her self fitt to receaue them I say this is a mighty guift yea and farre greater then I am anie way able to expresse And it is matter of much greife to me that as I was saying I know manie Soules which ariue thus farre and that yet there are so very few which passe further at least as they ought to passe that I am euen ashamed to confesse it I say not that there are so very few who passe on for it may very well be that there are manie for God doth not sustaine vs for nothing but I only speake of such as I haue seen For my part I would earnestly wish them not to hide their Talent since it seemes Almightie God chooses them out for the profit of manie others and especially in these times when it is so necessarie that his Diuine Maiestie should haue strong freinds to support and vphold such as are weake And let them all who finde that they haue receaued this great Fauour at our Lord's hands esteem themselues for strong if they know how to correspond well with the lawes which a firme and fast freindship euen of this verie world requires And if they will not let them apprehend very much and feare that they shall doe themselues a great deale of hurt yea and I pray God that it may be to none but themselues That which the Soule is to doe in these times of enioying this Quiet is but only that with suauitie and without noyse she employ the Will to vnderstand with much calmnes and discretion that the Soule is not to negotiate with Almightie God by the strength of the Arme. I call it noyse if the Vnderstanding goe seekingout manie words and considerations to giue thanks for this benefit and to make vp a mightie heape of her defects and sinnes to shew that she deserues not this Fauour For all is in motion now and the Vnderstanding represents many things to vs and the Memorie is boyling vp and really these Powers of the Minde are wont to giue me trouble enough at times and in regard that I haue but a weake Memorie I cānot in these cases subdue them But those other considerations and mentall discourses be indeed no better then as so manie great loggs of wood which are layd with small discretion vpon that little Sparke of fire to quench it And therefore let her know and say with great humilitie O Lord what am I able to doe heer What hath this Seruant or Slaue to doe with the Lord of Heauen and Earth Or els she may vse such other words as shall present themselues then in the way of Loue. But note heer that she must be very very well grounded vpon knowing that to be true which she saith Now as for that which concernes the Vnderstanding let the Soule consider it no otherwise then meerly as if it were a Miller and if she will needs giue it part of that which she enioyes or shall labour to recollect it also to her self she will find that it is not to proue well with her For manie times it is seen that during this Vnion and repose or rest in the Will the Vnderstanding is still much out of order and if the Will cannot be be able to arrest it it is better to let it alone then that she should still goe hunting after it I say the Will But let it remaine enioying that Fauour and be recollected and shut-vp in it self like a wise Bee for if no one of the Bees should goe into the Hiue but all be gadding abroad so to be still ferching one another home there would little store of hony be made And so a Soule will loose very much if she be not well aduertised of this and especially if the Vnderstanding be quick and sharp For if once such an one beginne to put discourses in order and light vpon some prettie reasons to the purpose she will if they be handsomly sayd beginne to thinke that shee performes some great exploit But the discourse which is to be vsed heer must be a knowing clearly and confessing plainely that there is no other reason at all why Almightie God should euer doe vs so great a Fauour then his owne onlie goodnes and to consider that we are now approached so neer to him and to begg Fauours of him and to beseech him also for his Church and for all such as haue recommended themselues to vs and so also for the Soules in Purgatorie and this not by the noise of words but only by a feeling desire to be heard by his Diuine Maiestie This is a Prayer which comprehends very much and we shall obtaine more thereby then by multiplying much rowling discourse by way of the Vnderstanding But let the Will stirr-vp her self by some reasons which will easily represent themselues to her then when she findes her self to be so very much improued to quicken-vp her Loue and to make her performe certaine amourous acts of how great things she would be glad to doe for one to whome she owes so verie much without admitting and permitting as I sayd that the vnderstanding part should make a noise in the search and pretence of doing high and mightie matters For heer anie few little poore strawes presented and offered-vp with Humilitie and they may be sure enough to be strawes if we bring them will make a great deale more to the purpose and will help to kindle a good fire more quickly then a great deale of bigg loggs of wood will be able to doe I meane reasons which in our opinion shall be very sure to quench and put-out the fire euen in the turning of a hand This is good for learned men who command me to write all this for through the goodnes of God it may be hoped that all of them ariue hither and it might perhaps so happen amongst them that this time would passe away in applying some places of Scripture But though that kinde of knowledge could not faile to be vsefull to them both before such occasions as these and also after yet at these verie times of Prayer there would be little occasion to vse it in my opinion vnlesse they had a minde to coole the feruorous employment of the Will For the Vnderstanding findes it self then to possesse such an excessiue kind of claritie by being so neer to Light it self that euen I with being so poore and miserable as I am seem to be another kinde of Creature And it is most certainly true that it hath hapned to me being in this kind of Quiet and without vnderstanding in effect anie thing of the Prayers which are recited in Latin and especially of the Psalter that not only I vnderstand the Verse in Spanish but I passe also yet further on and delight my self highly in considering what the meaning of that Spanish is I speake not
need also of such considerations as these And there are times when Almightie God will try them nay it will seem as if this Diuine Maiestie would forsake them For as I haue sayd already and I would faine not haue it be forgotten the Soule in this life which we liue encreases not as the Bodie doth though yet we say it doe and really it doth encrease but yet a Child after he is growne and become tall and proues to be already a man returnes not to decrease againe and to haue a little bodie Yet now in the point of a Soule our Lord will haue it be otherwise by what I haue seen of my self for I know it not in respect of others and it ought to humble vs for our owne greater good and to the end also that we may not be negligent as long as we shall be in this bannishment since he who is highest in vertue shall doe well to feare himself most and to trust himself least The times perhaps may come when euen they who haue their Will so conforme to the Holie Will of Almightie God that they would rather be tormented and endure a thousand deaths then swarue from it shall doe well to be in doubt that euen they may grow to fall into some great offence of his Diuine Maiestie And so there are certaine times when they shall see themselues so assaulted by temptations and persecutions that to the end they may not commit grosse sinnes they will haue need to serue themselues of the First Defensiue weapons of Prayer and returne to remember and consider that all the world is finally to end and that there is a Heauen and a Hell and to vse such considerations as these But now returning to what I was saying a great foundation it is for being freed from the subtle enterprises and gusts which the Diuel is wont to giue to beginne with a firme purpose at the verie first to walke in the way of the Crosse and to desire no such thing as gusts since our Lord himself shewed this way of perfection by saying Take thou vp thy Crosse and follovv me For he is to be our Patterne and whosoeuer shall follow his counsels and that for no other reason then to content him may be sure that he shall haue nothing to feare And by the spirituall profit which they shall finde in themselues they will easily come to know that the Diuel had no hand therein and though they should euen returne to fall againe there will yet remaine one signe that our Lord had been there which is That they will quickly rise againe besides these others which I shall now declare When it is the Spirit of Almightie God there will be no need at all to goe in Quest and Sent after certaine reasons to draw humilitie and confusion from thence For our Blessed Lord himself is wont to impart it in those cases after a very different manner from that which our selues can procure by anie prettie little considerations of our owne all which are nothing in comparison of a certaine true Humilitie that comes along with a light which our Lord instructs vs in heer and which breeds such a reall confusion in vs as euen doth ētirely defeat vs. And the knowledge which Almightie God is wont to giue vs to the end that we may perfectly vnderstand that we haue no good at all of our selues is a thing very sufficiently perceaued and still so much the more as we receaue the higher Fauours from his hands It also imparts to a man a very great desire to proceed in Prayer and he will not giue it ouer for anie trouble which may possibly succeed to him He offers himself and is readie to endure all things He hath also a kind of assured hope that he shall be saued though yet still not without humilitie and feare By this time he also instantly forsakes all kind of seruile feare of his Soule and it giues a great deale of growth to a Filiall feare in stead thereof He sees that now he beginns to beare a certaine loue towards Almightie God which is farre from anie interest of his owne he couets to get times for Solitude that so he may haue the better oportunitie to enioy that good In fine that I may not wearie my self too much this is a direct beginning of all good things a State wherein the Flowers are now vpon the verie point to blossome And all this the Soule sees very clearly and can by no meanes at that time conceaue but that God was and will be with her till such time as she shall returne to find her self guiltie of faylings and imperfections towards him for in that case she feares all things and it is fitt that she doe so Though yet there are Soules in the world to which it proues more vsefull to beleiue for a most certaine truth that they are well with Almightie God then all the feares of the world are able to giue them For if the Soule in her self be apt to be enamoured and gratefull the memorie of that great Fauour which God did her will be of more power to make her returne to his Diuine Maiestie then all the torments of Hell which they can possibly be euer able to represent At least as wicked as I am it hapned after this manner to me Now as for the signes of a good Spirit I will speake of them heerafter more at large for now I cannot doe it since it costs me so much trouble of manie kindes to get them written our faire and I belieue that with the fauour of our Lord I may be able to hitt right in this kinde for besides the experience which I haue whereby I came to vnderstand manie things I know somewhat by meanes of some learned men who indeed are very learned and of some person 's also who are very holie to whome it is great reason to giue beleif And therefore let not other Soules be so very much afflicted and vexed as I haue been when once through the goodnes of Almightie God they shall be come on so farre as to find themselues in this State THE SIXTEENTH CHAPTER She treats of the Third Degree of Prayer and goes declaring some very high points and vvhat a Soule vvhich ariues thus farre may be able to doe and vvhat effects these so great Fauours of our Lord are accustomed to vvorke The sense heerof is very fitt to raise the Spirit high in the praises of Almightie God and it is also of great consolation for the Soule vvhich ariues to this State LEt vs now come to speake of the Third Water wherewith this Garden is watered for this is a running Water of a Riuer or Spring and it waters it with much lesse labour though yet the distribution thereof causes some Our Lord will heer so help the Gardner that in some sort he will be as it were the Gardner himself and in effect the Doer of all This is
a sweet repose or sleep of all the Powers which are yet neither totally lost nor yet doe they know how they worke This gust and delight and suauitie is greater beyond all comparison then the former for the Water of this grace gets-vp to the verie throat of the Soule in such sort that now it cannot goe forward nor knowes how to doe it nor yet would by anie meanes returne backward but enioyes an excessiue kinde of glorie It is as when a man is already with the Holie Candle in his hand so that now there wants very little of dying but it is of that verie death which is desired for she is enioying the greatest delight that can be imagined in that agonie of hers and me thinkes it is no other thing then euen to dye as it were entirely to all the things of this world and to be enioying Almightie God For my part I can thinke of no other tearmes wherewith to expresse it or declare it nor knowes the Soule at that time what to doe nor whether she should speake or be silent or laugh or weep It is a glorious kinde of Frensie and a Celestiall kinde of Follie where yet true wisdome is learnt and it is a most delightfull manner of enioying for the Soule in a Superlatiue Degree It is true that it may be about some fiue or six yeares since first our Lord vouchsafed to allow me this kinde of Prayer often and in great abundance and that I neither did either perfectly vnderstand it nor yet can exactly declare it and for my part I made account when I was come hither that I could say either little or nothing And yet I well vnderstood that this was not an entire Vnion of all the Powers of the Soule and yet still that it was clearly more then might be found in the former Degree of Prayer and yet withall I must euer confesse that I could not tell how to know and much lesse exactly determine what this differēce was But I well belieue that for the humilitie which your Reuerence hath shewed in being desirous to help your self by so great a simplicitie as mine our Lord gaue me this Prayer this day immediatly after my receauing the B. Sacrament yet without my being able to goe forward And he put these Comparisons into my head and taught me the manner how to expresse them and what the Soule is to doe in these cases and really I was amazed at it for I vnderstood all this busines at an instant Manie times I was as it were out of my self and as if I had been euen inebriated with this loue and yet I could neuer vnderstand how it was Only I knew very well that it was God but I could not tell the manner how he wrought in me at that time For it is the verie truth that the Powers are as it were all vnited though yet not so ingulfed but that still they worke and I haue been extreamly ioyed that at length I am come to vnderstand it and Blessed be our Lord for euer who hath regaled me in so high a degree These Powers haue only now abilitie to busie themselues totally vpon Almightie God nor doth it seem that anie of them now euen dares so much as houer or stirre not as it were breath if we doe not diuert our selues then with great endeauour yea and euen so me thinkes we can scarce doe it entirely at that time A multitude of words are conceaued heer by the Soule in praise of our Lord but yet so as that they are without anie order vnlesse our Lord himself be pleased to order them for at least the Vnderstanding serues heer for nothing The Soule would faine cry out in praise of Almightie God she is then in such condition as that she knowes not how to cōtaine her self This is now a very fauourie kinde of disquiet and now yea euen very now the Flowers open themselues to blossome and already doe they beginne to yeild their odour And heer the Soule would be glad that all the world might be able to see and vnderstand her glorie that so Almightie God might be praised and that they might be able to assist her therein and that she might giue them part of her ioy as not knowing how to enioy it all her self Me thinkes she is now to be like her of the Ghospel who had a minde to call-in all her Neighbours Or els like the admirable Spirit of the Royall Prophet Dauid who might feele some such thing in himself as this when he played vpon his Harpe and sung in honour and praise of Almightie God I find my self very much deuoted to this Glorious King and I wish that all the world were so especially all we who are Sinners O my deare Lord what kind of thing is a Soule when she findes her self in such a condition as this She would faine become all Toung to praise our Lord. She vtters a thousand holie impertinencies but yet she doth euer endeauour to hitt right in pleasing him who holds her there in that manner I know of a certaine person who though she were no Poet yet instantly did she happen to make certaine Verses all extempore which were very significant in the way of complaint declared her paine very well though they were not made by her owne Vnderstanding alone but for the better enioying that glorie which gaue her so delightfull a paine she complained thereof to her God She wishes that she might be all torne in pieces both in Bodie and Soule to shew the ioy she findes to feele this paine What tormēts could then be set before her which then she would not be glad to endure for the loue of our Lord She clearly sees that the Martyrs did very little on their parts when they suffered torments for the Soule knowes then very well that her strength comes to her by some other way then from her self But now what will she feele when she comes back to employ her witts vpon knowing how to liue againe in this world and to returne both to the cares and complements thereof And certainly me thinkes I am farre from hauing exaggerated anie thing concerning this manner of ioy which our Lord is pleased to make a Soule possesse euen in this place of bannishment for all that which I haue sayd of it is very poore and meane in comparison of what it is in it self Blessed be thou for euer O Lord and let all things praise thee for euer And be pleased O my King I most humbly beseech and begg at thy hands that since when euen now I am not wholy out of this holie Celestiall Frensie or follie which through thy goodnes and mercie and so wholy without anie merit of mine thou dost me the great Fauour to impart either all such persons as with whome I shall haue occasion to conuerse may be euen as it were madd fooles for thy loue or els dispose thou so of me as that
I may neuer conuerse more with any Creature or els finally O Lord giue order that I may haue nothing to doe in this world or at least take me out of it quite For now already O my God this Seruant of thine is no longer able to endure so great afflictions as she feeles to come vpon her by her being thus without thee And if she needs must liue she desires to haue no ease in this life nor indeed dost thou giue her anie for it is death to her to see her self eat she is afflicted by the sleep she takes she findes that her whole life is spent and past through in Regalo's and yet that now there is nothing but thy self who can indeed regale her So that it seemes I liue now euen against nature since now I would faine not liue in my self but only in thee O thou my true Lord and my Glorie how delicate and yet how hugely heauie is that Crosse which thou hast prepared and prouided for such as ariue to this State It is delicate because it is incredibly sweet and it is heauie because there grow to be certaine times when there is not patience enough in the whole world to enable vs to endure it and yet the Soule would neuer desire to be free from it vnlesse it were to the end that she might find her self once to be with thee And when also the same Soule remembers that she was neuer able to doe thee seruice in anie thing and that by continuing to liue it may yet perhaps be possible for her to serue thee she would be glad if she might lye vnder a very much more heauie burthen then the former yea and that she might also neuer dye euen till the verie end of the world She values not anie manner of repose or rest so much as to the weight of one haire in comparison of doing thee anie poore little seruice nor doth she know what more to desire but she is only sure of thus much that she desires nothing but thy self O my Sonne for you to whome this is directed and who haue commanded me to write it are so humble that you will needs be called by that name let these things be only for your self when you see that I am gone out of all limits for there is no kind of reason which suffices to keep me from leauing the vse of humane reason when our Lord is pleased to draw me thus out of my self Nor doe I know or belieue that it is I who am speaking thus euer since I receaued the B. Sacrament this morning For me thinkes I doe but dreame of what I see and I would be glad not to see anie other then such as are sick of that verie same disease which is now vpon me I humbly beseech your Reuerence that we may all become like madd fooles for his loue who was content to be called Foole for the loue of vs. And since your Reuerence sayes that you wish me so cordially well I desire that you will shew it by disposing your self in such sort as that our Lord may doe you this Fauour For I see there are very few men who haue not more witt then euen they need for the effecting such things as they hold to concerne them but now perhaps I may haue more then they all But doe not you suffer this my deare Father since you are so as well as my Sonne because you are my Confessarius to whose hands I haue committed the care of my Soule but vnbeguile me by telling me truth though truths be now a-dayes seldome told And now I would be very glad that we Fiue who at the present loue one another in Christ our Lord That I say as others meet in secret against the Seruice of his Diuine Maiestie for the ordering of their wickednes and their Heresies we also might procure sometimes to meet for the disabusing one another and to conferr how we might reforme our selues and giue Almightie God more gust For there is no Creature that knowes himself so well as they doe who looke vpon vs so that it be with true loue and care of our amendment I speake of this as a Secret and in your care for now already no such language as this is vsed when euen Preachers themselues goe so composing their Sermons as that they may be sure to giue men no disgust by them But their intention forsooth is so good as that the fruits will be answerable to it and so we see how few grow to mend their liues But how comes it now to passe that they are not very manie who giue ouer to be publique in following vice by meanes of those Sermōs which are made Shall I tell what I thinke It is because the Preachers make themselues too wise Not yet that they are indeed without witt by reason of any great fyre of the Loue of Almighty God which is in their harts as the Apostles were and so their flame falls-out to giue but very little heat I say not that I expect that it should be so great as theirs was but yet I hartily wish that it were greater then I can now find it is Your Reuerence knowes in what very much would consist Namely in hauing this life of ours in detestation and honour in very little estimation and that rather then faile both to speake truth and to maintaine it for the glorie of Almightie God we would be as well contented to loose all as to gaine all For whosoeuer is resolued in very good earnest to put it all to hazard for the loue of our Blessed Lord will be as well content with the one as with the other I say not that I am anie such Creature but I hartily wish I were O great and gallant Libertie to esteem it for a direct captiuitie to be bound to liue and conuerse according to the Lawes of this World For when this is once obtained at the hands of Almightie God there is not so base a Slaue vpon Earth as would not venture all that so he might redeem himself and returne home to his owne Countrie And since this wherein we are is the true way there is neither cause nor colour why we should desire to loyter in it For we shall neuer finish the gaining of so great a treasure till our Lord giue vs his grace to doe it well I humbly pray your Reuerence to teare this which I haue written if you thinke fitt and pardon me for I haue presumed too farre THE SEAVENTEENTH CHAPTER She prosecutes the same Argument about this Third Degree of Prayer And finishes the declaration of the effects vvhich it vvorkes and declares also the disaduantage vvhich the Memorie and Imagination are vvont to bring in this case I Haue already spoken to some good proportion of this manner of Prayer and of that which the Soule is to performe therein or rather of what God doth in her for now it is himself who takes the Office of Gardner
Soule did at that time And our Lord sayd this to me in these words It doth my Daughter dissolue and defeat it self to be so the more ingulfed in me for novv it is no longer she vvho liues but I and since she cannot cōprehend that vvhich she vnderstands her very vnderstanding it after a kind of Morrall vvay vvhich she doth is really a not vnderstanding it after a strict comprehensiue vvay vvhich she is not able to doe He who shall haue had triall of this by experience will be able to ariue to the expression of some part therof but as for me I cannot deliuer that more clearly which passes heer since it is so very obscure I can only say that in this case their being then so close to Almightie God is represented to them and there remaines such a kinde of certaintie therof that it cannot possibly faile to be beleiued And now heer all the Powers of the Soule fall short of operation and are suspended in such sort that by no meanes as I haue sayd it can possibly be vnderstood that they worke If she were thinking of some Mysterie it is instantly so forgottē as if there had neuer beē anie such thought If she were reading there is no remembrance of it nor yet of pawsing and if praying vocally in like manner So that now this importunate little Gnatt of the Memorie hath her wings burnt heer and can now no longer spring-vp nor stirre The Will also is now employed all in louing though it vnderstād not how it loues The Vnderstanding if it vnderstand it is not yet vnderstood how it vnderstands and at least it can comprehend nothing of that which it vnderstands To me it doth not seem that it vnderstands because as I was saying it is not vnderstood and for my part I attaine not to vnderstand all this At the first I chanced to be in so great an ignorance as not to know that Almightie God was in all things and considering how very present I conceiued him to be to me it seemed impossible for me to beleiue the cōtrarie To leaue therefore to beleiue that he was there I could not because it seemed to me as it were apparantly and clearly that I had vnderstood his verie Presence to be there Some men who were not learned told me that he was only there by his Grace which still I could not possibly beleiue because as I was saying I held him to be directly present otherwise and thus I cōtinued with some trouble But at length a great learned man of the Order of the Glorious S. Dominick freed me from this doubt and told me not only that he was present but that he also communicated himself to vs which comforted me very much But now it is heer to be noted and vnderstood that this Celestiall Water is alwaies a most eminent Fauour of our Lord and giues the Soule excessiuely great aduantages as I shall now declare THE NINETEENTH CHAPTER She prosecutes the same Discourse and beginnes to declare the effects vvhich this Degree of Prayer vvorkes in the Soule She persvvades men earnestly not to turne back nor to giue-ouer their Prayer though they should happen to fall euen after they had receaued these Fauours She speakes of the great harme vvhich vvill ariue to them if they doe othervvise This Discourse is much to be noted and it is of great consolation for vveake persons and Sinners THe Soule doth in this Prayer and Vnion remaine with an excessiue kind of tendernes in such sort that she would faine euen defeat and dissolue her self not through paine or trouble but by abundance of teares of ioy wherein she is bathed without so much as feeling or knowing how or when she wept them It giues her a great delight to find the impetuous force of that fire appeased and allayed by Water which yet makes it encrease so much the more This language of mine may seem to be a kind of gibberidge but yet thus stands the case It hath hapned to me sometimes when I was in this part of this Prayer to be so wholy out of my self as that I knew not whether I were awake or asleep or whether in verie deed I had been in that glorie which I felt and whether it were true that I was indeed so all bathed in water which distilled with such force and speed from mine eyes that it seemed as if a very Clowde of Heauen had rayned it downe but in fine I found that it was no dreame This hapned to be in the beginnings of this Prayer and it passed quickly ouer But the Soule remaines so couragious thereby that if it were possible for her to be cut into a thousand peices for God's sake it would be of extreame consolation to her And now heer come in all her promises her heroicall resolutions the liuelie efficacie of her desires her beginning to abhorre the world her clearlie discerning her owne vanitie and all this much more perfectly and more highly then it hapned in anie of her former Prayers Her humilitie is also growne much stronger for now she very clearly discernes that no diligence at all of her owne was anie peice of a cause for bringing her that excessiue and incomparable Fauour nor for making her enioy the same She sees now clearly that she is a most vnworthie Creature for in anie roome where there enters a strong and cleare Sunne-Beame there is not the least and thinnest Cobweb which can lye hid She now lookes very clearly vpon her owne miserie and now she is so very free from Vaine-Glorie that it seems a kind of impossible thing for her to haue anie because now already she hath it euen in her verie eye how little she is able to performe or rather in verie deed that it is iust nothing at all and that in this case there was hardly so much as anie cōsent of hers but that it seems that euen whether she would or no they shut the gates of all her Senses vp to the end that she might so the better enioy her Lord and that now since she remaines all alone with him what can she haue to doe but to loue him She neither can see nor heare vnlesse she be made to doe so as it were by very strong hand and therefore there is little for which to thanke her Her former life growes then to be represented to her with perfect truth togeather with the great mercie of Almightie God And all this occurrs to her without anie necessitie at all that her Vnderstanding should now goe hunting after it For there doth she already find all this kind of food readie dressed for her to vnderstād and eat Of her self she sees very well that she deserues Hell-Fire and that now in stead therof they giue her no other punishment then glorie And therefore she doth now euen consume her self in the prayses of Almightie God and now would I be glad euen to consume my self so Blessed be thou O
my Lord who hast in such sort vouchsafed to make so filthie a Fish-Pond as I was become so pure and cleare a water as that it may serue for thine owne Table Be thou adored and praised O thou Regalo of the Angels who hast vouchsafed thus to exalt so base a worme This profit of the Soule remaines for some time therin and now she can already vnderstand clearly enough that the Fruit is none of her owne and she beginns to giue part of it to others without euer feeling anie want of it her self She now beginns also to giue signes and apparances of being the owner of some such Soule as it to be a Iewel-House fitt for the Treasures of Heauen and to carrie great desires of making others partake them and humbly to beseech Almightie God that she may not be alone in possessing them She beginns now to profit her Neighbours without almost vnderstanding it her self and without her seeming to doe anie thing therin but they who receaue the benefit vnderstand it well For already doe those Flowers yeild so high and apparant a Sent that it inuites all the world to come neer them They know that she hath great Vertues and they see that the Fruit is very tempting and they would faine help her to eat it And now if the earth of this Garden be manured and digged-vp very deep with Persecutions with Detractions and with Sicknes as there are few who ariue thus farre without these things and if also it be very cleane stripped of all proper Interest the Water sinkes so very deeply into this Soyle that it will scarce be euer dry againe But yet if it be such a kind of earth as that with being earth it haue also such a quantitie and companie of thornes as I remained with in the beginning and if it want a rooting-out of the occasions of ill and is not withall so gratefull as so high a Fauour requires that Soyle growes againe to be dry And in that case if the Gardner proue negligent and slack and if out Lord through his owne onlie goodnes doe not againe resolue to bestow raine vpon it you may well giue this Garden for destroyed and lost For iust thus did it happen to me seuerall times and really I am euen amazed to reflect vpon it yea and it were not possible for me to beleiue it if the case had not been wholy mine owne But now I write thus much for the comfort of such Soules as are weake like mine to the end that they may neuer despaire nor so much as once leaue to haue confidence in the greatnes of Almightie God and that although they should fall euen after our Lord had brought them to so incomparable Fauours as are mentioned heer they must not yet despaire vnlesse they will be totally lost for there is nothing which will not be gotten with teares and so the employing of one Water will be the meanes of getting another One of the things by which I haue been animated with being that miserable Creature which I am to write this Discourse and to giue this kind of account of my wicked Life and of the Fauours which our Lord hath been pleased to doe me and that not whilst I was seruing him but offending him hath been this And really I wish now that I were some person of great authoritie that so I might be the better beleiued in this particular and I humbly beseech the Diuine Maiestie of my deare Lord that he will bestow this Fauour vpon me I say then that no one euen of those Creatures who haue begunne to vse Mentall Prayer is to be dismayed with saying If I should returne to be wicked againe it would be worse for me to goe forward with the vse of Prayer For the thing which I beleiue is that it will be worse if he giue-ouer his Prayer and forbeare to reforme his life But if he shall not giue-ouer his Prayer let him be confident that it will bring him againe to the Port where he shall be able to see the Lanterne and ariue safe The Diuel made so feirce batterie against me and I passed so long without Prayer as conceauing that being so wicked as I was it would be an act of more humilitie to desist from it that I gaue it ouer for about a yeare and a halfe or for a yeare at least for of the half yeare I remember it not so very precisely But this was likelie to be and was then indeed no other thing then for me to put my self euen into Hell without needing anie Diuels for that purpose O my deare Lord how great is that blindnes and how vnhappily doth the Diuel hitt right for his purpose in laying so heauie a loade vpon vs heerin The Traytour knowes very well that he hath lost that Soule which continues with perseuerance in Prayer and that all those Falls which he procures to giue vs will but assist vs through the goodnes of Almightie God to make afterwards the greater leape towards his Seruice The Diuel I say knowes very well how much this imports him But O my deare Iesus what a thing it is to see a Soule in this State falne-back to Sinne when yet thou by thy mercie dost lend him that hand of thine to rise againe O how will such an one come to know the multitude of thy greatnesses and mercies togeather with his owne miserie Heer comes this Creature in to vnderstand thy Maiesticall way and to annihilate himself in good earnest Heer is the Soule not once presuming so much as to lift her eyes vp to Heauen though yet she raise her thoughts to consider the vnspeakable obligation which she hath to thee She heer growes all deuoted to the Queen of Heauen that she may helpe to appease thee Heer she inuokes those Saints who fell after thou hadst once called them to thy Seruice to the end that she may be assisted by them Heer she conceaues and finds that whatsoeuer Crosses thou send her they are all of them too easie and light because she sees already that she deserues not the verie ground vpon which she goes Heer enters the frequenting the Sacraments of the Church and that vigorous Liuelie Faith which now remaines in her hart as seing the great power and vertue which God infused into it The praising thee for hauing left such Vnguents and other Medicines for the cure of our Sores which close not only the skinne but take them vtterly away In a word she is amazed at all these things and who O thou Lord of my Soule is not to be amazed at so great mercie and at such an ouerflowing kind of Fauour vpon our Treasons which are so abominable and fowle that for my part I cannot vnderstand how my hart comes not euen to splitt when I write thus much because I find my self so very wicked And yet the while it seemes as if I had a minde to make thee a kind of recompence satisfaction
my self hauing receiued so great Fauours from Almightie God could euer procure to come to Mentall Prayer and that for me it would suffice if I sayd those Vocall Prayers to which I was bound as others did but that since now I did not euen thus much well what sense was there that I should pretend to doe more and that this was to expresse little reuerence to Almightie God and to vnderualue his Fauours It was fitt to thinke and know all this but to put it in execution had been extreamly ill done And be thou Blessed O Lord who broughtst me the remedie For this temptation seems to haue been no lesse then a beginning to that other which the Diuel brought vpon Iudas but that Traitour the Diuel durst not tempt me so openly but would faine haue come by little and little to set vpon me as he did vpon him And now for the loue of our Lord let all them who vse Mentall Prayer consider that which followes very well Let them know that during the time when I forbore it my life was much worse then before And let it be well considered what a fine kind of remedie the Diuel brought me and what a daintie ridiculous Humilitie it must be which could fill me with so deep a disquiet For indeed how could this Soule of mine appease it self The ignorant foolish Creature went away as fast as she could from her true repose and rest She had her Fauours and Regalo's present to her memorie and she found that the contentments of this world were so loathsome as euen almost to prouoke a Vomit But I am amazed how I could endure it though belike it was with some kind of hope that at the worst hand I might be able to remaine free from Sinne for I neuer as I remember though yet it be now more then one twentie yeares agoe gaue-ouer a being resolued to returne to Prayer But O how ill-grounded and addressed was this hope of mine For the Diuel would faine haue turned me ouer till the Day of Iudgement that so from thence he might conduct me to Hell But yet now afterward I frequenting Prayer Reading which was indeed the way to see reall Truths looking downe vpon that wicked course which I was holding and often importuning our Blessed Lord with manie teares I was yet so very wretched that I knew not by anie meanes how to help my self But then againe on the other side I growing to giue-ouer these good things and employing my self vpon certaine idle pastimes and exposing my self to manie occasions of ill and enioying very few helps and I may rather venture to say none at all but only such as might help mee to fall for what might I euer hope but what I haue sayd I beleiue that a certaine Religious man of S. Dominick's Order who was very learned hath great merit in the sight of God for he awaked me out of this sleep And he made me as I thinke I haue already expressed receaue the B. Sacrament euerie Forthnight And so my miserie being then not altogeather so great I beganne to come back againe into my self though yet withall I forbore not to commit some offences against our Lord. But because I had not lost my way I went still on with falling rising though yet but by little and little And he who neuer giues-ouer to goe forward will ariue at length by going softly though it be late For my part I conceaue that for a Soule to loose her way and to leaue her Prayer is indeed but one and the self same thing and our Lord deliuer vs from it for his owne Mercies sake It is heervpon to be inferred and I desire euen for the loue of our Lord that it may be much obserued that although a Soule shall come to such passe as that our Lord may doe her great Fauours in Prayer she must not yet be confident of her self since she may yet come to fall againe And let her not by anie meanes expose her self to occasions of Sinne. Let her be carefull to consider thus much for the deceipt of which the Diuel is wont to serue himself in this occasion is very great For though the Fauour which was imparted to the Soule were most certainly from Almightie God yet the Traytour will not faile to serue himself of that verie Fauour in whatsoeuer he can and especially for the disaduantage of persons who are not strong in vertue and mortification nor are absolutly vntyed and loose from all things belonging to this world For men in fine must know that they are not by meanes of this Prayer sufficiently strengthned and fortifyed as I will declare afterward for the putting themselues into occasions and dangers how great desires and resolutions soeuer they may haue This is an excellent Doctrine and it is not mine but taught by Almightie God himself and so I shall be glad that all ignorant persons like me may learne it For though a Soule be neuer so high in this State yet must she not trust her self so farre as to goe out to combat but she will haue acquitted her self well if she can defend her self So that in this State and condition it will be necessarie for her to carrie Defensiue Armes against the Diuel for yet she hath not strength enough wherewith to assault him and much lesse to tread him vnder foot as yet they will be able to doe who shall find themselues in that State whereof I will discourse afterward But this is that deuise and cosening-Trick whereby the Diuel is wont to take vs That when once he sees a Soule ariue to be so very neare to our Lord and which can iudge so very well of the difference between the blessings which belong to this life and the next and of the Loue which our Lord beares to that Soule from this very Loue he makes such a kind of confidence and securitie grow as that she shall neuer forsooth be able to fall from that which she is enioying at that time And she also seemes there-vpon to eye her reward so very clearly that she is easily brought to hold it euen impossible for her to quitt that which is so very delightfull and gustfull euen in this life for so base and filthie a thing as worldlie pleasure is Now by meanes of this vaine confidence doth the Diuel grow to depriue her of the distrust which otherwise she would haue of her owne strength and thus she exposes her self as I was saying to danger and beginnes with a foolish kind of good zeale to be giuing the Fruits of her Garden away to others without anie limits as beleiuing now that she hath no more cause so to be afrayd concerning her self and that this is not forsooth out of pride for the Soule vnderstands well enough that she is able to doe nothing of her self but through the much confidence which she hath in Almightie God Yet all this is without discretion because
choose for the helping of others though yet still it must be considered that this strength proceeds not from themselues But when once our Blessed Lord brings a Soule so neer himself as I haue shewed he goes by little and little communicating very great secrets to her And heer come the true Reuelations in this kind of Extasis and other great Fauours and Visions And all these things serue to make this Soule both more humble and more strong and to giue her grace to hold all kind of worldlie things in no account as also to know more clearly the greatnes of that reward which our Blessed Lord hath prouided for such as serue him I humbly befeech his Diuine Maiestie that the excessiue bountie which he hath vouchsafed to shew towards this miserable sinnefull Creature may proue some part of a motiue to make them who shall read this Discourse encourage and animate themselues to leaue all things yea euen absolutly all for Almightie God since his Diuine Maiestie is pleased to giue so compleat rewards For we see and that clearly enough what aduantages and Fauours and retributions he is pleased to allow euen in this life to such as serue him and what then will he be sure to doe for them in the next THE TWO AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER In vvhich she treats of hovv secure a vvay it is for persons vvho giue themselues to Contemplation not to raise-vp their Spirit to high things vnlesse our Lord raise them vp and that the Humanitie of Christ our Lord is in deed to be the meanes tovvards the highest Contemplation of all others She speakes also of an errour vvherein once she vvas This Chapter containes matter of much profit I Will heer declare a certaine thing which is in my opinion very important and if your Reuerence thinke fitt it may serue you for a word of aduise yea and perhaps you may grow euen to haue need therof I haue read in some Bookes written of Prayer which affirme that how soeuer the Soule is not able of it self to ariue to that State whereof I spake before because all that is Supernaturall which our Lord workes there yet she may be able forsooth to help her self therin by raising-vp her Spirit aboue all things created and that so she hauing raised it vp manie yeares togeather with humilitie and hauing first passed through the Purgatiue way and after that through the Illuminatiue they aduise in particular manner that men should separate and abstract themselues from all kind of imagination or reflection vpon corporeall things and that so they should be able to approach and reach the contemplation of the Diuinitie For they say that although it be euen the verie Humanitie it self of Christ our Lord yet is it of some impediment to such as proceed thus farre yea and that it hinders men from the most perfect kind of Contemplation For the making this Opinion good they alleadge that which our Lord sayd to his Apostles when himself was ascending-vp to Heauen of the coming of the Holie-Ghost downe vpon them which would not be accomplished till himself were retired out of their sight But for my part I am apt to conceaue that if they had then had that Liuelie Faith of our Lord 's being both God and Man which they had after the coming of the Holie Ghost his Corporall Presence would haue done them no hurt at all For he held no such discourse to his Blessed Mother though she loued him much more then they all But these men vse to alleadge this passage or place of Scripture because it seemes to them in regard that all this action of Prayer is a worke of Spirit that euerie Corporeall Obiect will be able to diuert and hinder it and that forsooth they must consider themselues after a manner which is totally independent vpon Creatures and that God is alike neer them on all sides and so to see themselues ingulfed in him is the thing which they should endeauour to obtaine Now this doth not displease me to be vsed at sometimes and in some cases but yet to denide our selues wholy from the person of Christ our Lord and to bring that Diuine Bodie of his into the account and companie of these miseries of ours or euen with all the rest of the whole created world I can by no meanes ondure and I humbly begg of his Diuine Maiestie that I may be able to giue my self to be vnderstood I will not yet put my self to contradict them because they are learned men and spirituall persons who faile not to know well what they say and it is also very true that it pleases Almightie God to carrie and conduct Soules by seuerall walkes and wayes as he did mine And now I will declare some particulars thereof for in the rest I will not interpose my self but only speake of the danger wherein I found I was because I conformed my self to what I had read I well beleiue that whosoeuer shall find himself to haue ariued to the State of Vnion and not to haue passed further on so farre as to haue Rapts and Visions togeather with such other Fauours as our Lord is wont to impart to Soules may hold that which is spoken of to be better as I also did But yet if I had continued therein I beleiue I should neuer haue ariued to that pitch wherein now I am For in my opinion it is an errour and deceipt though yet perhaps it may be my self who am the person deceiued yet I will relate what hapned to me Whilst I was in want of a Directour and the while went reading the Bookes afforesayd whereby I thought I grew to vnderstand somewhat by little and little I came indeed to find afterward that if our Lord had not been my teacher I should haue learnt very little by those Bookes For really it was nothing which I vnderstood till his Diuine Maiestie was pleased to make me know it by experience nor indeed did I know what I did But when afterward I came so farre as to haue some kind of Prayer which was Supernaturall I meane the Prayer of Quiet I procured to dismisse my self of all kind of Corporeall Obiects though yet I durst not goe raising and exalting my Soule For considering that I was alwaies so very wicked I saw that this was to be a great presumption in me But then I came to thinke that I felt a kind of Presence of Almightie God in me after a particular manner as indeed I did and I procured to recollect my self with him And this is a very sauourie and gustfull kind of Prayer if our Lord assist a Soule particularly therein and the delight of it is great and when both the profit and pleasure which it giues is once obserued by the Soule there could be then no meanes to make me returne againe to the Humanitie of Christ our Lord because in realitie of truth I conceiued that it was an impediment to me Othou Lord
Benedictions and he will addresse your life by your Meditation vpon his for he is the best Originall and Patterne which we can possibly haue And indeed what can we desire more then to haue so perfect a Freind at hand who will neuer giue vs ouer in our afflictions and tribalations as they of this world are wont to doe Most Blessed is that man who loues him with all sinceritie of truth and who is alwaies carrying him close to himself Let vs looke vpon the Glorious S. Paul who seemes as if he could not suffer that euer the name of Iesus should be able to fall often enough from his mouth as one who did not faile to carrie it well imprinted vpon his hart And since I vnderstood of that other abstracted course whereof I spoke I haue reflected vpon diuerse great Contemplatiue Saints with much care and I find that they went no other way then this S. Francis she wes it plainly by the Wounds S. Anthonie of Padua by the Infant S. Bernard delighted himself much in the Humanitie of our Blessed Lord and so also did S. Katherine of Sienna togeather with manie other Saints as your Reuerence knowes better then I. This departing and abstracting ones self from all Corporeall Obiects should as it seemes be good since persons who are so Spirituall affirme it but yet in my opinion this must be vnderstood of Soules who are very Proficient in Spirit for till then it is euident enough that the Creatour is to be sought by meanes of the Creatures But yet I will vndertake nothing in this case since all depends vpon the Fauour which our Lord is pleased to shew to anie Soule That which I would faine giue to be vnderstood is that the most Sacred Humanitie of Christ our Lord must not be made to come into that account and let this point be well vnderstood wherein I would faine know how to declare my self When God is pleased to suspend all the Powers of the Soule in those kindes of Prayer which are related we haue seen plainly that this Presence of Christ our Lord is taken from vs whether we will or no and let it then be gone in a good hower for that kind of losse is a happie one whereby we come to enioy more of that which we conceiue our selues to haue lost for then the Soule employes her self wholy vpon louing him whome the Vnderstanding hath already endeauoured to know and she loues that which she did not fully comprehend and now ioyes in that wherein she could not also haue ioyed but only by loosing her self for her greater gaine But now that we should by tricks and of sett-purpose accustome our selues not to procure with our whole power to carrie alwaies in our eyes and I would to God it were alwaies this most Sacred Humanitie of Christ our Lord this I say is that which I like not since it is a way of making the Soule walke in the Ayre as we vse to say For it seemes that she hath no firme and stable resting-place howsoeuer she may make her self beleiue that she is full of God It is a great matter whilst we liue and are humane to procure to bring God to our selues Humane for this is that other inconuenience which I say there is for the first I beganne to say was a little want of humilitie in presuming to raise the Soule before our Lord raised her and not to content her self with meditating vpon a thing so pretious but that she will needs be a Marie before she haue taken the paines of Martha If our Lord himself be pleased that we be Marie there will be nothing to be feared though it should be vpon the verie first day of our doing him Seruice But yet let vs consider well of the matter as I thinke I was saying before for this small moate of little humilitie will make a shift to doe a great deale of hurt against profiting in the way of Contemplation But to returne now to the Second point We are no Angells but we haue Bodies and to desire to make our selues Angells whilst yet we are vpon earth and especially if they be so earthlie as I was is a kinde of follie or madnes But our thoughts in the ordinarie way haue need of a kind of leaning or resting-place though yet sometimes the Soule may goe so out of her self yea and manie times may be so full of Almightie God that perhaps she hath no neęd to recollect her self by meanes of anie thing created But this is not a thing so ordinarie and in businesses and persecutions and troubles when she cannot enioy so much Quiet and in the times also of Drynesse and dulnesse Christ our Lord is wont to be a very good freind For we consider him as man and we behold him full of weaknesses and afflictions and he is companie fitt for all good occasions and when once we are a little accustomed we shall finde him very easily kept close to vs though yet some such times will occurr as that we shall not be able to doe neither the one nor the other Vpon this reason it will be well to doe that whereof I haue spoken already namely not to pretend and procure any sensible consolation of Spirit but let anie thing ariue that will for it is no toy or trifle to embrace the Crosse of our Lord. This Lord of ours was forsaken by all manner of comfort and they left him all alone in his afflictions but yet let not vs doe so For he will reach vs his hand which can raise vs better vp then all our owne diligences would haue been able to doe and yet he will absent himself also when he shall thinke fitt and when he shall thinke it fitt he will also draw the Soule out of it self as I haue sayd before Our Lord is very well pleased to see a Soule with Humilitie introduce his Sonne for her Intercessour and he loues her so very much that euen when his Diuine Maiestie shall haue an inclination to raise her-vp to great Contemplation the same Soule may yet hold her self vnworthie and cry out with S. Peter Depart from me O my Lord for I am a sinnefull man I haue tryed this verie thing by experience and thus hath God conducted my Soule Let others therefore goe by some other short cutt as they please but that which I haue been able to vnderstand is that all this Ciment of Prayer is grounded vpon Humilitie and that the more the Soule is abased in that holie exercise the more is it exalted by Almightie God Nor doe I remember that euer he shewed me anie of those singular Mercies of which I shall speake afterward but when I found my Soule euen as it were annihilated with obseruing my self to be so very wicked Yea and sometimes his Diuine Maiestie tooke care to giue me to vnderstand certaine things towards the making me know my self so much the better which I could neuer haue told how to
imagine But I am of opinion that when the Soule doth anie thing on her part to help her self on as afforesayd towards that Prayer of Vnion how soeuer for the present it may seem to doe good yet the building will quickly fall as wanting anie sound foundation and I am afrayd that she will neuer ariue to true Pouertie of Spirit which consists in not desiring so much as comfort or gust in Prayer for all those of this world are forsaken already except consolation in affliction and that for loue of him who euer liued in them but to remaine also quiet in those verie afflictiōs and aridities for though they faile not to haue some little trouble thereat yet is it not so farre as to giue them anie such disquiet and paine as some giue themselues by conceiuing that if they be not alwaies labouring with their Vnderstanding and to haue sensible deuotion all is lost as if they could deserue so great a good by the paines they take I say not that they should not procure and maintaine themselues with much care in the Presence of Almightie God but if yet they be not able to obtaine no not so much as one good thought as I haue sayd els where yet let them not torment themselues because we all are vnprofitable Seruants what can we conceiue that wee shall be euer able to doe Our Lord is much better pleased that we may come to know this truth and that we may hold our selues fitt to be treated like some poore little Asses to turne that wheele about whereby the sayd Water is to be gotten who though they be put in blindfold doe not so much as know what they doe will yet get-vp more water then the Gardner with all the diligences he can vse No we must walke in this way with libertie of Spirit put our selues into the hands of Almighty God If his Diuine Maiestie shall be pleased to aduance vs to be of his Chamber Councell we must goe with a good will but if not we must be content to serue in inferiour employments and not to seate our selues in the best place as I haue sayd els where Almightie God hath more care of vs then we haue of our selues and knowes for what euerie bodie is fitt and for what therefore doth it serue for him to gouerne himself when already the whole Will is disposed of and giuen away to Almightie God In my opinion it is lesse to be tollerated or endured heer then in the First Degree of Prayer and it doth vsmuch more harme if any such errour be committed by vs for these are Supernaturall blessings If a man haue an ill voice how much soeuer he shall enforce himself to sing the voice will not be made good by it but if God shall once haue made it good he needes not be crying out before hand Let vs therefore alwaies humbly pray him to shew vs fauour let the Soule be wholy resigned but yet withall confiding in the greatnes of God And now when she hath gotten leaue to remaine at the feet of Christ our Lord let her not stirre from thence but continue in what sort soeuer it may be and let her imitate the Magdalena for when he shall find her strong he will take her vp with him to the Desert So that your Reuerēce shall doe well to keepe your self in this way till you meet with some other who may haue more experience then I and may know it better Only if they be persons who were but beginning to haue gust in Almightie God doe not beleiue them for they conceiue that they profit themselues more and haue more gust when they helpe themselues in such sort as is declared before O how Almightie God comes clearly and openly enough in without these little prettie helpes when he hath a minde to it and so as that whether we will or no he eleuates and hurries-away the Spirit euen as some Giant would dispose of a straw and so as that no resistance can be thought of But what a kind of impertinency is it for a man to beleiue that whensoeuer he lists a Toade should be made able to flye of it self And I hold it to be a more difficult and absurd kind of thing that the Spirit should be able to raise and exalt it self without being exalted and raised by Almightie God for it is all loaden with earth and with a thousand impediments and it will proue to be of little vse to it that it haue a minde to flye for though flying be more naturall to a Soule then to a Toade yet this Soule is already all plunged in a great bed of dutt myre as haueing lost that other qualitie by her owne fault I will therefore conclude with this that whensoeuer we dispose our selues to thinke and meditate vpon Christ our Lord we must remember the loue wherewith he did vs so manie Fauours and now greatly Almightie God was pleased to shew it to vs by giuing vs so high a pledge and pawne of his loue for one loue begetts and breeds another And though we should he meer poore beginners in this holie exercise and though we should withall be very wicked yet let vs still procure to be looking vpon this Obiect and still be stirring our selues vp to loue For if once our Blessed Lord vouchsafe to imprint this loue into our harts all things will grow easie to vs and we shall quickly fall to worke and that without anie trouble to our selues at all I beseech his Diuine Maiestie that he will vouchsafe to bestow it vpon vs since he knowes how very much the same imports vs for we beggit by the great loue which he bore to vs and for the sake of his Glorious Sonne who also loued vs all so extreamly to his owne cost Amen One thing I would faine aske your Reuerence how our Lord beginning to doe Fauours to a Soule and those so eminent and high as to bring her to perfect Contemplation which Soule were therefore in all reason to grow and remaine entirely perfect euen at that instant for certainly it ought to be so since whosoeuer receiues so very great blessings from Heauē should be extreamly farre from careing for anie such delights as concerne this life can possibly bring to passe that when she growes to haue Rapts and so to receiue more Fauours higher Effects thereof and that so much the more as she falls-out to be more vntyed from the world and considering yet withall how in the very first instant when our Lord ariues to a Soule he can leaue her entirely sanctifyed how I say our Lord can abandon this Soule afterward in processe of time without maintaining it in the perfection of vertue This I say would I very faine know for I vnderstand it not yet though I know well that it is a very different case what proportion of strength Almightie God leaues in a Soule when his visitation at the first
which I felt to be so very great yea and that manie times it was such that I could not auoyd it though yet withall on the other side I saw cause of very great securitie that it was God especially when I was in Prayer and I found also that I was much bettered by it and still remained with more strength of Minde towardes Vertue But yet whensoeuer I grew to be a little diuerted I returned againe to feare whether the Diuel might not haue a minde to make me conceiue that it were good for me to suspend the vse of my vnderstanding and so depriue my self of the exercise of Mentall Prayer and that I might not be able to thinke vpon the Passion of Christ our Lord nor to serue my self as I was saying of my Vnderstanding part which seemed to me a very great inconuenience But now when his Diuine Maiestie was pleased already to giue me light to the end that I might offend him no more and might also grow able to know how much I owed him for this goodnes this feare came now to encrease in such sort that it put me vpon a diligent search after some persons of Spirit with whome I might communicate my affaires and already I had gotten notice of some For by this time they of the Societie of IESVS were come hither to which Order though I yet knew no one of them I was very affectionate vpon the onlie reason of my vnderstanding what kind of life they led and what Prayer they vsed But I found not my self worthie enough to speake with them nor constant and strong enough to obey them And this gaue me yet greater feare for in fine to treat with them and yet to continue still what I was represented it self to me as an odd and ill-fauoured busines In these cogitations of mine did I passe some time till now by the much batterie which I made vpon my self and through the feares to which still I was subiect I resolued to treat with one who was a Spirituall person and to aske him what kind of Prayer that was which I vsed and to desire him to giue me light if he found me to be in errour and I resolued to vse all possible diligence not to offend Almightie God for the want which I found in my self of courage did continue me still in my feares O my deare God! how great a deceipt and errour was this in me to seperate my self from good that so I might grow to be good The Diuel it seemes is willing to labour much vpon this point in the beginning of our aspiring to Vertue for I could not in fine conquer my self heerin He well knowes that the meanes of doing good to a Soule consists in that she resolue to conferr in particular manner with such as are the freinds of Almightie God and therefore I would neuer sett anie time to resolue vpon this I expected to reforme my self first as I had also done before when I left my Prayer and perhaps I should neuer haue gone through with it for I was already declined so low towards certaine little things of ill custome and consequence which yet in fine I would not conclude to be ill that I was in need to be assisted by some other who might reach me out his hand to raise me vp And now Blessed be our Lord for in fine his owne was the first When now I saw that my feare came-on so farre for I proceeded and encreased in Prayer I conceaned that there was either some great good or els some excessiue mischeif inuolued in it for already I vnderstood very well that it was a Supernaturall aduantage which I had since sometimes I was not able to resist it and to obtaine it also when I would could not possibly be done Vpon this I grew to resolue that there would be no remedie for me if I procured nor to haue great puritie of Cōscience and if I quitted not all occasions of ill though it were but of Veniall Sinnes For if my exercise of Prayer were of the Spirit of Almightie God the benefit did very euidently appeare if it were of the Diuel yet he could doe me no hurt at all but rather would be put to sitt downe with losse if I should procure to please Almightie God and not offend him at all And now hauing resolued vpon this and euer humbly praying our Blessed Lord that he would assist me and taking the same course seuerall dayes I yet found that my Soule had not strēgth enough all alone to goe through with the obtaining so great perfection in regard of some inclination and liking which I carried to certaine things which howsoeuer they were not very ill of themselues yet they serued the turne to spoile all They told me then of a certaine Preist in this place who was a learned man and whose vertue and good life our Lord began to discouer to the world and I procured by meanes of a holie Cauallier dwelling in the same place to acquaint my self with him This Cauallier is a married man but yet leades a life so very full of example and vertue and he is of so great Prayer and Charitie that his perfection shines brightly in the eyes of all men and with much reason in regard of the great good which is growne to manie Soules by his meanes as also by his great talēts And though he be not forwarded a whitt by anie plentie in his Fortune yet he cannot choose but employ the meanes he hath that way He is of great vnderstanding and of an excellent nature His conuersation is no way troublesome but so agreable and delight full togeather with his being iust and holie that it giues gust to all such as treat with him He ordaines and gouernes all things for the great good of such Soules as he conuerses with and seemes indeed to haue no other endeauour or ayme then to doe good to all them whome he findes to be anie way capable thereof and finally to giue contentment to all Now this holie and blessed man doe I esteem to haue by his industrie and charitie layd the foundation for the saluation of my Soule And I am confunded to thinke of his humilitie in that he would be content to see me for there were as I conceiue little lesse then fortie yeares wherein he had exercised Mentall Prayer they might perhaps be fewer by two or three yeares and he led his life with all that perfection which his condition and state might seem to permit He hath a Wife who is so great a Seruant of Almightie God and a woeman so full of charitie that he looses nothing at all by possessing her In a word he chose her for such a kind of Wife as whome Almightie God knew to be fitt for so great a Seruant of his some of his kindred were married to some kinswoemen of mine And besides I was also acquainted with another great Seruant of God who was
they should not speake thereof But this serued my turne to little purpose for there chanced to be one at the Gate when I was called who published it ouer all the Conuent But now what difficulties and troubles and feares doth the Diuel vse to prouide for such persons as dispose themselues to approach to Almightie God When I was treating with that Seruant of his Diuine Maiestie who was greatly so and a man also of very good discretion about the passages of my whole life and of my Soule he declared to me what euerie thing was as a man who vnderstood that language very well and he encouraged me much and told me that it was euidently the Spirit of Almightie God which wrought in me But that I must returne againe to the exercise of Prayer because I was not well grounded therein nor had so much as begunne to know what Mortification meant and this was very true for I had hardly euer well vnderstood so much as the name but that I should by no meanes giue-ouer my Prayer but rather employ my self with more diligence and endeauour therein since Almightie God had been pleased to doe me so particular Fauours and what sayd he could anie bodie tell whether it might not please our Lord to doe good to manie euen by your meanes Other things also he sayd in such sort as that he might seem euen to haue prophecyed then concerning those things which our Lord was pleased to grant and effect afterward And I should be subiect to very great blame if I corresponded not with those Fauours which our Lord vouchsafed to shew me In all things it seemed to me that the Holie Ghost spake to me by this Father in order to the Cure of my Soule so distinctly grew euerie thing to be imprinced therein He put me to great confusion and directed me by such meanes to proceed that he seemed to make me absolutly euen another Creature So great a thing it is to vnderstand a Soule He willed me euerie day to meditate vpon some passage of the Passion of our Blessed Lord and that I should helpe my self thereby and that I should not thinke but vpon his Holie Humanitie and that I should resist those recollections and gusts as much as I could and not giue place to them till he should expresse himselfe to me by some other order He left me both comforted and strengthned and our Lord assisted both me and him to the end that he might vnderstand my condition and in what sort I was to gouerne my self and I remained with a resolution not to swarue at all from anie thing which he had or should cōmand me and therein haue I continued till this verie day Our Lord be blessed and praised for hauing giuen me grace to obey my Ghostlie Fathers though yet after an imperfect manner and they haue in effect euer been these blessed men of the Societie of IESVS howsoeuer as I was saying I haue followed them after an imperfect manner But now my Soule beganne to receiue an euident kind of amendment and improuement as I will heer declare THE FOWRE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes the former Discourse and shevves hovv her Soule vvent profiting vvhen once she had begunne to obey She also declares for hovv little purpose it serued to resist the Fauours of Almightie God And hovv his Diuine Maiestie vvent daily imparting them to her after a more compleat manner BVt now my Soule remained so supple and tractable by meanes of this last Confession of mine that I thought there could be nothing to which I would not dispose my self and so I instantly beganne to change in manie things though yet my Ghostlie Father did not presse me much but rather seemed to make little account of them And this wrought euen so much the more vpon me for he carried me rather on by way of giuing me certaine libertie in little things then of pressure vnlosse my selfe could find in my hart to doe it for Loue. In the meane time I continued vpon the point of two moneths vsing all the diligence that possibly I could to resist the Fauours and Regalo's of Almightie God As for my exteriour conuersation and proceeding there was already an apparant change to be seen in me for already our Blessed Lord beganne to giue me courage to doe certaine things which the persons who saw and knew me held to be extreame and euen in the verie House it self and in respect of what I was wont to doe before they might indeed be accounted to hang that way though yet still it all fell short enough of that to which I was obliged both by the Habit which I had taken and by the Profession also which I had made From that resistance which I made to the gusts and Regalo's of Almightie God I gained thus much that his Diuine Maiestie came to be pleased to be my Instructour himself For before it seemed that for the disposing me towards the receiuing of anie such Regalo's as those there was need that I should retire and shut my self as it were vp into corners and I also durst not as it were moue or stirre But afterward I quickly found how little all that serued to the purpose for when I procured to diuert my self most so much the more did our Blessed Lord couer me as it were all ouer with that kind of Suauitie and glorie as seemed euen to compasse me in on euerie side in such sort as that it was not possible for me to scape from it And really so it was for as for me I tooke so much care to decline it that it did euen put me to paine and yet our Lord was pleased euen still to haue more care to be doing me Fauours and to expresse himself that way in those two moneths I say much more then he had formerly done to the end that I might the better know that this busines did now no longer depend anie way vpon my self And now I beganne to grow to carry a new and fresh kind of loue towards the most Sacred Humanitie of our Blessed Lord and my Prayer beganne to settle it self like a Building which now had morter in it that might make the parts stick togeather and I beganne also to incline my self more to the doing of Pennance wherein I was growne a little slack by reason of my so great infirmities For that holie man to whome I made my Confession told me that some kindes of Pennance which he named would doe me no hurt and that perhaps Almightie God gaue me sicknes in the qualitie of Pennance since I would impose none vpon my self He willed me also to doe certaine acts of Mortification which were not very pleasing to me though yet I went-through with them all because it seemed to me as if our Lord himself had commanded them and his Diuine Maiestie gaue him also grace to direct them in such sort as that I should be glad to obey him My Soule went then
greatly feeling euerie offence which I might committ against Almightie God how light or small soeuer the same might be in such sort and to so high a proportion as that if I did but weare anie one little superfluous thing about me I was not able to recollect my self till I had put it off I made much Prayer to our Blessed Lord that he would be pleased to protect me still and that since I conuersed and treated the busines of my Soule with his Seruants he would neuer permitt that I should returne back againe for I conceiued that that would be a strange offence in me yea and that euen they would grow to loose credit by it vpon my occasion At this time came to this place Father Francis Borgia who had been Duke of Gandia and who already some yeares before had left all and had entred into The Societie of IESVS And now my Ghostlie Father as also the Cauallier of whome I spoke before came to me with desire that I would speake with Father Borgia and that I would also giue him account of the Prayer I held for they knew that the said Father Borgia was a person farre aduanced in being much fauoured and regaled by Almightie God and that as one who had left very much in this world for the loue of our Lord he was resolued to pay him for it euen here When Father Borgia had heard me he told me that it was the Spirit of Almightie God and that he was of opinion that now it was fitt no longer to resist his Fauours though yet till then he thought it to haue been well done But that I should alwaies beginne my Prayer with the consideration of some passage of the Passion and if afterward our Blessed Lord would eleuate the Spirit I should not resist it but suffer his Diuine Maiestie to carrie it away prouided alwaies that my self should not haue anie hand in procuring it But he in fine as being a man who had trauailed farre already in that way did giue me both counsaile and phisick For experience is a great matter in these affaires and he sayd it was an errour to resist the Fauours of Almightie God now anie longer My self was greatly comforted by this and so also was the Cauallier and he reioyced much to heare Father Borgia say that it was of Almightie God and he also aduised and assisted me in what he could which was very much About this time they changed my Ghostlie Father from that place to another which I resented extreamly for I thought I was to turne wicked againe as also I conceiued that it would not be possible that euer I should finde another like him My Soule was full of discomforts and feares euen as if it had been planted in a kind of Desert nor did I know in fine what to doe with my self A certaine Kinswoeman of mine procured then to carrie me along with her to her House and I procured also to goe the rather that so I might get another Confessarius of the Societie of IESVS Our Lord was also pleased then that I should make freindship with a certaine Ladie a Widdow who was both of much qualitie and of great Prayer and she conuersed very much with the Fathers of the sayd Societie and she drew me also to Confesse to her Confessarius I remained a good while in her house for she liued neer me and I was glad to treat much with those Fathers for euen by the only vnderstanding which I came to haue of the sanctitie of their conuersation and way of proceeding the profit which my Soule found and felt was great This Father beganne to addresse me and engage me vpon wayes of more Perfection He told me that for the giuing Almightie God entire contentment and gust there was nothing to be lest vndone But this he sayd with a great deale of prudence and sweetnes for my Soule was not yet anie thing strong but green and tender especially in the point of giuing-ouer certaine freindships which I maintained at that time for though I offended not Almightie God thereby yet the affection which I bore them was very great and I held it to be a kind of ingratitude to giue them ouer And so I also told him that since Almightie God was not offended by it what reason could there be why I should become vngratefull He sayd I should doe well to recommended it to Almightie God for some dayes and to recite the Hymne of Veni Creator Spiritus c that so the Holie-Ghost might giue me light to doe that which was best Hauing therefore been one day much in Prayer and humbly beseeching our Blessed Lord that he would assist me to please him in all things I beganne the Hymne and whilst I was saying it there came a Rapt vpon me so instātly and so suddainly that it tooke me as it were out of my self and of this I could not doubt for it was very euident and it was also the verie first time that our Lord shewed me the Fauour of Rapts and then I heard these words from him I vvill not haue thee novv hold conuersation vvith men but vvith Angells This gaue me a great amazement for the commotion of the Soule was great and those words were spoken to me in the verie interiour part of the Spirit so that they made me afrayd though yet on the other side they gaue me also great consolation which vpon the verie flight of that feare which had in my opinion caused that strange noueltie did still remaine with me The truth is that this Speech of our Lord hath been very well accomplished and performed for neuer haue I been euen able anie more to establish anie friendship at all nor to feele anie consolation nor entertaine anie particular loue towards anie other person then such as I vnderstand and know to loue Almightie God and to procure to serue him Nor is it now anie longer in my hand or power nor serues it a whitt to the purpose whether any of them be kindred or friends or no for if I vnderstand not that he is the Seruant of Almightie God or a person addicted to Prayer it is no lesse then a heauie crosse for me to conuerse much with anie Creature And this is certainly true to the vttermost of what I can iudge of my self From that day forward I haue remained full of courage and resolution to leaue the whole world for Almightie God in regard he had been pleased in that verie moment for it seemed no more to me then a verie moment to make this Seruant of his become wholy another Creature then what she had been So that now there was no longer need that they should command me in that particular anie more for when my Ghostlie Father had found me to be so fixed vpon this point he had not yet aduentured to will me expresly to doe it For he did without all doubt expect that our Lord should be pleased to
The matter is that when these things are of the Diuel it seemes as if all kind of benediction did hide it self and euen flye from the Soule so vntoward and vnquiet and in so great disorder doth she remaine without anie one good effect at all For though there may be a seeming as if there were a planting of good desires in her yet they are not effectuall or strong The humilitie which he leaues behind him is false vnquiet and without anie suauitie at all and me thinkes this may be easily enough vnderstood by anie Creature who hath experience of what a good Spirit is But yet the Diuel is very able to play manie tricks and therefore there is nothing of this kind so certaine and cleare but that somewhat may still be feared at his hands And so it will euer be well done to proceed with caution and aduice and to haue a Directour who may be learned and to conceale nothing from him and so the Party shall be sure to take no hurt though yet I haue had my part thereof through the excessiue feares to which some of them were subiect In particular it hapned to me once that manie persons meeting togeather in whome I had beleife enough and there was reason that I should haue it and though I proceeded heerin after the manner of entire confidence but with one yet when he commanded me I spoke also with others they treated much about finding remedie for all my inconueniences For they loued me very much and I doubted that I might perhaps be deceiued and I was also subiect to extreame feares whensoeuer I was not in Prayer for when I was and when our Lord vouchsafed to doe me anie Fauour therein I grew presently into good assurance and I thinke they were fiue or six of them and they were all great Seruants of Almightie God But then my Ghostlie Father told me that they all had growne to resolue that it was the Diuel and directed me not to Communicate so often and that I should endeauour to diuert my self in such sort as that I might not be much alone Now I was extreamly timorous in these cases as I haue sayd and the palpitation of my hart helped me on therein so that I had not the courage manie times to be alone in my roome euen by day But when I found what so manie of them affirmed which yet I could by no meanes beleiue I grew to haue an extreame scruple as conceauing that this was a signe of very little humilitie in my self since they all were incomparably of better life then I and besides all this they were learned and in fine why should not I beleiue them I forced my self the best I could to doe it and I thought much of mine owne wicked life and how considering that it might be likely enough to be true which they sayd Vpon this I went into the Church with this affliction and passed on into an Oratorie hauing forborne manie dayes to Communicate and auoided also to be alone which yet had formerly been my totall comfort and all this without hauing one person with whome I might treat for they were all against me Nay some of them me thought made themselues as it were merrie with me whensoeuer I would be telling them what I thought and others would be aduising my Ghostlie Father to take heed of me nay some would goe so farre as to say that it was clearly the Diuel Only my Ghostlie Father though he conformed himself with those others as I grew to vnderstand afterward so farre as to haue me tryed did euer giue me comfort and told me that though it should be the Diuel yet I not offending Almightie God he would be able to doe me no hurt That the difficultie would grow to be remoued That in the meane time I should pray hartily to Almightie God and that he and all those others and manie more also then they would doe the like and all my Prayer and theirs whome I conceiued to be the Seruants of Almightie God aymed at this That his Diuine Maiestie would be pleased to carrie me on by some other way And this kind of making continuall intercession to our Lord might last about a matter of some two yeares As for me I was capable of no comfort when I thought once that it was possible for the Diuel to be so often speaking to me and in me but in regard that now I employed no more howers of my time in Solitude for Prayer our Lord gaue me Recollection euen when I was in conuersation and so as that I was not able to auoyd it and he sayd such things to me as he pleased and I in the meane time was troubled that I was faine to heare him But once being all alone without hauing anie Creature by me vpon whome to ease my self I could neither pray nor reade but was like a person euen all amazed at so great tribulation as I endured and with so much feare to consider whether the Diuel were to haue power to circumuent me in this manner or no. And being all disordered and euen tyred without knowing what to doe with my self for I had seen my self in this affliction and that very often though yet neuer to my thinking in so great extremitie as then I remained foure or fiue howers after this manner For there seemed to be no comfort at all for me either vpon earth or yet from Heauē but our Lord left me so in sufferāce and vnder the feare also of a thousand dangers O my deare Lord and how truly art thou a true friend and how powerfull art thou to doe what thou wilt and dost neuer leaue to loue them who loue thee if they loue thee indeed Let all things praise thee O thou Lord of the whole world and O that I could cry out lowd enough through that whole world to declare how faithfull and true thou art to thy freinds All other things grow to faile vs but thou who art the Lord of them all dost neuer faile and it is little also which thou permittest such as loue thee to suffer for thee O my deare Lord how delicately and how smoothly yea and how sauourily also dost thou know how to treat such Soules O that a Creature whome I know had been so happie as neuer to haue detained her self vpon louing anie other thing then thee It seemes indeed O Lord that sometimes thou tryest such as loue thee with a kind of rigour to the end that by that extremitie of trouble they may afterward come the better to find and feele thereby the great excesse of thy loue O my God! that I had vnderstanding and learning yea and new words so to be able to exaggerate thy workes according to that intelligence which my Soule hath thereof All this is wanting to me O my deare Lord but yet if thou forsake me not I will neuer be wanting to thee Let all the learned men of the world rise-vp against
me Let the Diuells of Hell torment me yea Let all creatures persecute me but only be not thou wanting to me O my deare Lord for I know by good experience with how much aduantage and fruit thou deliuerest all such persons as put their confidence in thee alone For when I was in this great and miserable affliction of Spirit at a time when I had not enioyed anie one Vision at all these only few following words were sufficient to free me from all trouble and to quiet me entirely Feare not O my Daughter for it is I and I vvill not forsake thee Doe not feare It seemes to me that considering what kind of Creature I was then there would haue been need of a long time to perswade me to quiet my self and that no bodie would haue been able to doe it and yet now behold me heer all quieted and composed by these few words and I was endued with strength with courage with securitie which was accompanied with a kind of repose and light in such sort as that at that verie instant I saw my Soule become a direct other thing then it was before and me thinkes I could euen haue disputed against the whole world in proofe that this proceeded from Almightie God O what a good deare God is this O what a good deare Lord is he and how very powerfull for not only doth he giue the counsaile but the remedie also His verie Words are Workes and O how doth he both strengthen our Faith and encrease our Loue It is really very true that I often called to minde how our Lord had commanded the windes to compose and quiet themselues at Sea when a Tempest had been raised And so also did I say Who is this whome all the Powers of my Soule obey and who at an instant brings-in light to chace so great an obscuritie away and makes that hart grow soft and supple which seemed to haue the verie hardnes of stone and knowes how to driue and draw-downe the water of sweet teares where there was so great a drougth so long before Who is he that can inspire these desires Who can imprint such a courage what was I about to doubt and what can I feare What is this I desire to serue this Lord and I pretend no other thing then to please him I renounce all contentment and ease or anie other good at all but only the accomplishing of his Will For of this I was very sure in my opinion and that I might safely affirme it that since this Lord is so powerfull as I see he is and as I know he is and that all the Diuels of Hell are his Slaues and of this there can be no doubt since it is matter of Faith and I being the Seruant of this Lord and King what hurt can they all be able to doe me and why may not I haue strength enough to fight with all the Powers of Hell I then tooke a Crosse into my hand and really I thought God gaue me courage to conceiue that I should be shortly another kinde of woeman and that I was not to be afrayd to wrestle a Fall with the Diuels but conceiued that togeather with that Crosse I should be easily able to ouercome them all yea and once I prouoked them thus Come towards me as manie of you as dare for I being the Seruant of our Lord will see what you all can doe against me And it is most certaine that I thought they were afrayd of me and for my part I remained so in quiet and so totally without feare of them all that all the feares which I had formerly conceiued till that verie present time were remoued from me For though I saw them sometimes as I shall declare afterward yet I neuer feared them more but conceiued that they were rather affrayd of me I possessed a dominion ouer them which had been giuen me by the Lord of all Creatures and I make no more reckoning of them then of so manie Flyes and they seem to be of so cowardlie a nature that when once they come to find that they are not esteemed they haue no power at all For this kind of enemie knowes not how to set vpon anie one who renders not himself vp to them or els when Almightie God permitts for the greater good of his Seruants that they may tempt and torment them I would to God it might please his Diuine Maiestie that we would feare whome indeed we ought to feare and that we might perfectly vnderstand that we shall receiue more preiudice by committing anie one single Veniall sinne then by all the power of Hell put togeather for this is a most certaine truth How extreamly doe these Diuels carrie vs frighted vp and downe because our selues indeed will needs giue occasion thereof by our being so close fastned as we are to our Honours to our Estates and to our Delights For then we being ioyned togeather with these impediments by louing and desiring to possesse them who are our contraries whome we ought to abhorre they grow able to doe vs much hurt For we enable them to fight against our verie selues with our owne weapons which we put into their hands though indeed we were to defend our selues thereby against them And this is both pitty and shame But now if on the other side we shall resolue to abhorre all those things for the loue of our Lord and embrace his Crosse and pitch vpon doing him seruice in good earnest he flyes as fast away from these solid truths as a man would doe from the Plague In fine he is a freind of Lyes yea and a verie Lye himself He is easily kept from medling much with such persons as walke entirely according to Truth but when once he can discouer that a mans Vnderstanding growes to be obscured he hath a particular grace in procuring to breake the verie strings of his eyes and if he see one already proue so blind as that he will needs build his rest and ease vpon vaine things and so vaine as that being things of this world they are no better then toyes fitt for children he findes already that such a person is a verie Child and so he treates him like such an one and wrestles with him more or lesse as he sees cause I beseech our Blessed Lord that I may neuer proue to be one of these but that his Diuine Maiestie may be pleased to doe me so much Fauour as that I may vnderstand that to be ease and rest which is indeed true ease and rest and that to be honour which is true Honour delight which is true delight and not the direct contrarie to all this and then a figg for all the Diuels in Hell for then they shall be all of them afrayd of me For my part I vnderstād not those feares of the Diuel and the Diuel and I know not what when we may be able to say God and God c.
and so make those Wretches tremble For already we know well enough that the Diuel is not able to stirre vnlesse our Lord permit him What then may be the ground of all these disorders It is certainly that I am more afrayd of them who are so frighted by the Diuel then of the Diuel himself for he is vtterly vnable to doe me hurt whereas these others especially if they be Ghostlie Fathers may put Soules to much disquiet and for my part I haue passed some yeares through so great trouble that now I am euen amazed to consider how I haue been able to endure it But Blessed be our Lord who hath assisted me in so good earnest Amen THE SIX AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes the same Discourse and goes relating and declaring such things as hapned to her vvhich made her loose feare and to be strengthned in a beleif that it vvas a good Spirit vvhich spake to her I Esteem the courage which our Lord hath vouchsafed to giue me against all the Diuels of Hell to be one of the great Fauours which it hath pleased his Diuine Maiestie to doe mee since for a Soule to goe cowardly on and to be fearefull indeed of anie thing but only to offend the Maiestie of Almightie God is an extreame inconuenience For since we haue a King who is Omnipotent and so great a Lord that he can doe what he listes and who brings all things into subiection vnder himself there is no feare at all to be had and therefore as I was saying we haue no cause to doubt so that we walke sincerely and with puritie of conscience in the presence of his Diuine Maiestie And in order to this end I shall be glad to haue all the feares in the world to offend him in anie one instant of my whole life who is able in the verie self-same instant to destroy and annihilate vs all As long as his Diuine Maiestie is pleased with vs there is no Creature who can stand against vs without hauing his head broken for his paines You will peraduenture say that this is very true but yet now on the other side where shall we find that Soule which stands so streight as that she may be wholy pleasing to him and because she is not so she is in feare I answer that I am sure that that pure and innocent Soule is none of mine which indeed is very wretched and vnprofitable and surcharged euen with a thousand miseries But yet still we haue this comfort that Almightie God doth not proceed with such rigours as men doe for he knowes and considers our frailties and the Soule hath wayes of vnderstanding and finding in it self by great coniectures whether really she loue his Diuine Maiestie or no for in such as ariue once to this state our loue to him is not now a kind of dissembled or disguised loue as it vses sometimes to be in the beginnings but it is accompanied with so great impulses and euen impetuosities of desire to see Almightie God as I shall afterward declare or rather as I haue declared already and all things are wont to afflict all things to wearie tyre and all things doe euen torment her vnlesse it be only God or for God There is not so much as anie repose which doth not displease her because she findes her self absent from her true repose and so it falls-out to be very euident that things passe not heer in a dissembling way It hath hapned to me in former times that I found my self in great tribulations and I was subiect to manie detractions by occasion of a certaine busines whereof I may haue cause to speake afterward from all that House where I liue yea and from my Order and I was afflicted vpon manie accidents which occurred then at which time it pleased our Lord to vtter these expresse words to me Of vvhat art thou afrayd Dost thou not knovv that I am Omnipotent I vvill accomplish all that vvhich I haue promised thee And indeed he accomplished it afterwards very well But euen instantly there remained such a kind of strength in me that me thought I could presently haue put my self to aduenture vpon other things though they should cost me much more trouble for the doing him seruice and could haue suffered also much more for him And this verie self same thing hath hapned to me so often that I am not able to count the times and he hath made me and makes me still such reprehensions by occasion of those imperfections which I commit sometimes that they are able euen as it were to annihilate the Soule At least they bring so much in their company as that she is mended by them for his Diuine Maiestie as I haue sayd doth not only giue vs the counsaile but the remedie At other times he brings back to me the memorie of the Sinnes of my former life and this he most ordinarily vses to doe whensoeuer he intends to vouchsafe me anie extraordinarie Fauour And he doth it in such sort that the Soule discernes her self as if she were really planted at the verie Day of the Last Vniuersall Iudgement and the truth is represented to her with such a kind of perspicuitie and claritie that she knowes not what to doe with her self At other times he is pleased to informe me of certaine dangers concerning both my self and others about things which doe not happen till three or fowre yeares after but they all were euer fulfilled and some of them might also be named if there were cause So that there are so manie particulars whereby it may be vnderstood that these things are of Almightie God as that in my opinion they cannot but be knowne and acknowledged The most secure proceeding consists in that such a person doe not faile to impart her whole Soule to her Ghostlie Father and that he be a learned man and that she doe entirely obey him At least this is the course which I take and without this I could haue no rest nor were it indeed fitt that we woemen should haue anie since we haue no learning and there can be no hurt at all in this but manie aduantages and benefits as our Lord himself hath told me manie times I say manie times I had once a Ghostlie Father who mortifyed me very much and sometimes he did euen afflict me and brought me a great deale of trouble and disquieted me in extraordinarie manner and yet it was he who in my opinion did me the most good of them all And though I loued him very much yet I had some temptations to leaue him for it seemed to me that I was much preiudiced by those inconueniences which he was wont to giue me concerning my Prayer But yet euer when I was determining to doe this I instantly vnderstood that I was to forbeare it and I receiued such a reprehension from our Lord as defeated and as it were annihilated me more then all that which my Ghostlie Father could
Lord through his goodnes made me see it and shewed it me in a certaine Rapt of mine So also should it be heer in this world and that so Almightie God and the Soule might be able to vnderstand one another and that vpon this sole cause and reason in regard that his Diuine Maiestie is pleased that they shall doe so without anie other artifice or meanes that so the mutuall loue which these two deare freinds carrie to one another may be giuen by them to be mutually vnderstood Iust so as in this world when two persons loue one another very dearly and be endued with a good vnderstanding and witt they seem able to vnderstand themselues together euen without so much as signes and by only looking well vpon one another Thus ought it to be in our case since without our knowing expresly how these two Louers looke earnestly vpon one another in the face as the Spouse saith to his Beloued in the Canticles for so I thinke I haue heard that it is expressed there O admirable benignitie of thee O Lord who permittest thy self to be looked vpon by those eyes which haue abused their sight so much as these of my Soule haue done At least O my deare Lord let them now be accustomed after this sight of thee to looke no more vpon anie inferiour and base Obiects nor let anie thing be able to please them out of thee O great ingratitude of mortall Creatures how farre wilt thou be able to atiue For now I know euen by experience that this is litterally true which I am saying That whatsoeuer is possibly able to be expressed by me is no more then the verie least part of that Fauour which thou impartest to anie such Soule as thou vouchsafest to bring to such a State as this O Soules which haue begunne to vse Prayer and you who haue really Faith and firme Beleif what blessings and benefits are you possibly able to seeke and get which may anie way be compared euen to the least of those which are obtained by the Seruants of Almightie God euen in this mortall life of ours And consider for it is most certainly true that Almightie God imparts himself thus euen heer to such as forsake all things for loue of him For he is no accepter of persons and he loues all men nor hath anie one of them anie excuse how wicked soeuer he may haue been since our Lord hath proceeded after this manner euen with me and aduanced me to such a condition as you see Consider also that this which I am saying now is not so much as a little Cipher of that which were to be sayd but only so much is heer deliuered as is necessarie for the giuing this manner of Vision and Fauour which Almightie God is pleased to doe to a Soule to be in some sort vnderstood But now it is in no power of mine to declare that which she findes and feeles when our Lord is pleased to impart those secrets and greatnesses of his togeather with that delight which is so highly superiour to all those others which can possibly be imparted by this world and that they doe with a mightie deale of reason make them who possesse the same euen abhorre all the pleasures of the earth which when they be all clapt togeather are no better then meer dung and durt nay it is after a sort euen to giue one a Vomit to bring these into anie comparison at all with those others euen though they should be able to last for euer And yet of these Celestiall ioyes what kind of poore proportion of them is that which he is pleased to impart in this world No more then as it were one slight single drop of water of that huge full flowing Riuer which is prepared for vs in Heauen It is a verie shame scorne and really I employ it all against my self and if it were possible for Soules to be affronted euen in Heauen I should haue cause to find my self ashamed when I were there more then anie Creature to thinke that we should expect to enioy so great benedictions and delights and glorie as is to be infinit in that next Life and all at the onlie cost of our deare Lord IESVS And shall we not weep perhaps at least with the Daughters of Ierusalem since we will hot helpe him to carrie the Crosse as Simon Cyreneus did Or can we euer thinke of coming to enioy that by the way and meanes of pleasures and passe-times which he vouchsafed to get and gaine for vs vpon the price of his owne most pretious Bloud This is absolutly impossible And can we thinke by our aspiring to vaine Honour that we may be able to remedie and redresse that huge contempt and scorne which he endured for vs There is no manner of sense in anie such cōceipt No no the course is vtterly mistaken and we shall neuer be able to ariue at that iourneys end by anie such erroneous way as this Your Reuerence must cry-out alowd to make these truths be heard and beleiued by the world And since it hath pleased Almightie God to take this power and libertie from me I would alwaies be crying them out to my self but both he heard me and I came also to vnderstand him so very late as may be seen by what I haue written heer and it is no lesse then matter of extreame confusion to me to speake of it and therefore I will now hold my peace and for the present will only say that which I haue been considering sometimes which is that I humbly beseech Almightie God to bring me once to such tearmes as that I may enioy this immense Good O what an accidentall glorie and gust will it be for the Blessed Saints of Heauen who enioy this felicitie when they shall find that although it were late yet at length they left nothing vnperformed which it was possible for them to doe for the loue of Almightie God Nor did they faile to present him with the verie vttermost of whatsoeuer they could offer in all kindes according to the power which they had and to the condition wherein they were placed he giuing them still more who had more How rich will he then find himself to be who left all the riches he had for Christ our Lord How full of honour who reiected all honour and tooke no pleasure in anie other thing then to find himself abased and despised for the loue of him How wise will he see himself then who reioyced to see the world hold him for a foole since they called Wisdome it self by that name But how few of such as these are there now in the world by reason of our great Sinnes Alas it seemes that all they are spent and gone long agoe whome the world was wont to esteē for madd fooles when they saw them performe those heroicall acts of true Louers of Christ our Lord. O world O world How dost thou goe gaining Honour
was subiect to much trouble with me in seueral kinds And afterward I came to know that they wished him to take heed of me and to be carefull least the Diuel should deceiue him by making him beleiue anie part of that which I should tell him and to this purpose they would be alleadging the examples of some others to him All this gaue me vexation enough and by degrees I came so farre as to feare that I should grow scarce able to find anie bodie who would heare my Confessions but that euerie one would be flying from me in this kind So that for my part I did nothing but weepe and it was the prouidence of Almightie God that this Father would yet still continue to heare me But indeed he was so great a Seruant of our Lord that there was nothing which he would or suffer or his sake and so he would still be aduising me to be sure not to offend Almightie God nor to swarue from the directions which he gaue me and that I should not feare that he would faile me and still he would also be animating and quieting me and euer he would in particular command me that I should conceale nothing from him which I alwayes obserued and I doing thus he would alwaies tell me that the Diuel would be able to doe me no hurt but rather that our Blessed Lord would not faile to draw good out of that ill which the Diuel would be attempting to doe my Soule This Soule of mine did I procure to perfect to the vttermost of my power and as for my Ghostlie Father I did through the feare of Illusions wherein I was obey him in all things though yet but after an imperfect manner But he had trouble enough with me when I confessed my self to him in these difficult times which lasted aboue the space of three whole yeares for in the great persecutions which I had and in manie things wherein our Lord permitted that the world should make ill iudgements of me and manie of them without anie fault of mine I would euer be coming with them to him and he was blamed in respect of me whereas yet he was in no fault at all I thinke it would haue been wholy impossible that he should haue endured it so long if he had not been a man of much sanctitie but our Lord did animate him greatly and enable him to endure so very much For he was still to make answer to all them who held me to be a lost Soule but they beleiued him not and on the other side he was also to take care to quiet me and to recouer me out of that feare wherein I was by frighting me with a greater and besides he was also to endeauour to satisfye me in another respect in regard that vpon euerie Vision which was new to me our Lord was pleased to permit that afterward I should be subiect to very great feares Now as all this proceeded both from my being and haueing been a very great Sinner so yet would he comfort me still with much pietye and compassion But yet still if he had confided as much in himself as he might well haue done I had not suffered so much For our Lord gaue him to vnderstand the truth in all things and I am perswaded that the verie Sacrament of Pennance which I frequented with him gaue him light Those other Seruants of Almightie God who could not make themselues sure of my well-doing were wont to be very conuersant with me And when I would casually be speaking now and then of some things they would be vnderstanding them after a different manner Now there was one of these whome I particularly loued for my Soule was infinitly obliged to him and he was a very holie man For my part I was extreamly troubled to see that I could not make my self be vnderstood rightly by him whilst he also on the other side did extraordinarily desire my good and that our Lord might once vouchsafe to giue me light And so when I would be relating some things to them without much reflection vpon what I sayd it would seem to them to be a signe of little humilitie in me and as soone as afterward they discerned me to commit anie one single fault whereas they might very easily haue discerned manie all grew instantly to be condemned by them Sometimes they would be asking me certaine questions and I would answer them with plainenes and without much reseruation yea or euen reflection and then forsooth they would be thinking that I had a minde to teach them and that I held my self for some shrewd woeman and vpon this would they all goe instantly to my Ghostlie Father for certainly they desired my good but yet then would he grow to chide me And this lasted a long time I being afflicted manie wayes on the one side and yet being on the other so visited by the Fauours of out Blessed Lord as I found my selfe to be I was indeed very well able to endure that other miserye And now I relate all this to the end that it may the better be vnderstood how very great a trouble it is not to haue some such person at hand as hath experience in the way of Spirit So that really if our Blessed Lord had not fauoured me in such sort as he did I know not what would haue become of me at length since there were occasions enow to haue put me euen out of my witts and sometimes I saw my self in such tearmes that I knew not what to doe but only to lift-vp mine eyes to our Lord. For as the contradiction and opposition of such as were good and worthie men towards a poore weake and wicked woeman like my self and so timorous as I also was may perhaps seem to be scarce worth the relating so yet I hauing passed through very manie and great troubles in this life of mine I haue found this last to haue been of the greatest I humbly beseech our Blessed Lord that I may haue been able to doe his Diuine Maiestie some little Seruice euen in this for that they who accused and condemned me did him Seruice in it I am very sure and that it all hath turned to my good THE NINE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes the Discourse vvhich she had begunne and relates some high Fauours vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her and vvhat his Diuine Maiestie did further for the securing and encouraging her minde and for the enabling her to ansvver her Contradictours I Haue swarued very much from my purpose for I pretended to declare the reassons whereby to proue that the thing whereof I spoke was not matter of Imagination for how should we be able by meanes of anie endeauour or studie of ours to represent the Humanitie of Christ our Lord to our selues and to goe ordering and disposing of his great beautie for which there would be need of a large time if we would pretend to frame anie thing which
away as much as it had touched within me and left all that which remained wholy inflamed with a great loue of Almightie God The paine of it was so excessiue that it forced me to vtter those groanes and the suauitie which that extremitie of paine gaue was also so very excessiue that there was no desiring at all to be ridd of it nor can the Soule then receaue anie contentment at all in lesse then God Almightie himself This is no Corporall but a Spirituall paine though yet the Bodie doe not faile to participate some part thereof yea and that not a little And it is such a deare delightfull kind of entercourse which passes heer between the Soule and Almightie God as I beseech him of his infinit goodnes that he will giue some touch or tast of it to whosoeuer shall beleiue that I lye During the time when I was in this state I went vp and downe that world like an odd kind of transported Foole neither cared I either to see anie thing or to speake but contented my self to consume with burning-vp in my paine which was to be the greatest glorie for me that this whole world could affoard In this state was I now and then when our Blessed Lord was pleased that these so verie great Rapts should come vpon me which I was not able sometimes to resist euen when I was in presence of Secular people and so they grew to be publique and this gaue me a very great deale of trouble But since the time that I am growne to haue these Rapts I feele not this paine so much as that other whereof I spoke before though yet I cannot call the Chapter to minde But that paine is different in manie kindes and of more value also then this Or rather when this beginnes whereof I am speaking in this place it seemes that our Lord doth rauish and runne away as it were with the Soule and put her into Extasis out of hand and so no too me is left for the letting her feele anie paine because instantly the time of enioying comes in Let him be Blessed for euer who vouchsafes to impart so high Fauours to a person who corresponds with him so ill for so great benefits THE THIRTIETH CHAPTER She returnes to recount the course of her Life and hovv our Lord gaue remedie to manie of her troubles by bringing that holie man Fray Pedro de Alcantara of the Order of the Glorious S. Francis to the place vvhere she vvas And she declares the great temptations and invvard troubles vvhich sometimes she endured BVt now when I came to obserue the little or nothing which I was able to effect towards the enduring of those so great impulses or impetuosities whereof I was speaking I grew to be in great feare of hauing them for it was past anie power of mine to vnderstand how Paine and Ioy might be possibly able to consist togeather That Corporall paine and Spirituall ioy could be compatible I know well might be possible enough but that so excessiue a Spirituall paine should be compatible with so excessiue a Spirituall gust did put me half as it were out of my witts And still I did not giue-ouer to procure to resist the ariuall thereof though yet I had so little power that way that sometimes I grew wearie euen of the endeauour I defended my self by the Crosse and so procured to help my self by that meanes from him who gaue vs all defence and succour by the same Crosse I saw that no Creature vnderstood me and this I vnderstood very clearly though yet I durst not say so to anie bodie but my Ghostlie Father for that indeed might haue authorised them to say truly that I wanted humilitie But our Blessed Lord was pleased to recouer me from a great part of my trouble yea and euen at that time from it all by bringing that blessed man Fray Pedro de Alcantara thither of whome I made mention before when I spake somewhat of his great Pennance And now I also remember that amongst other things I haue been informed that for twentie yeares togeather he had worne vpon his bare Bodie a certaine Garment of Lattin in forme of a Haire Cloath This man was the Authour of certaine little Treatises concerning Prayer written in Spanish and they are now in the hands of manie For he as being a person who had accustomed himself much to that holie exercise wrote very profitably thereof for them who liue in the Obseruance of the First Rule of the Blessed S. Francis according to the full rigour of the same When therefore a certaine Widdow of whome I spoke els where who was a great Seruant of Almightie God and a particular freind of mine came to know that so great a man was there with me and knew also the great necessities wherein I was as hauing been the witnes of my afflictions and had comforted me in seuerall occasions for her Faith was euer so great that she could neuer in fine beleiue but that it was the Spirit of Almightie God which all the rest would needs haue to be the Diuel and considering also that she was a person of very good vnderstanding and of great secrecie withall and one to whome our Lord vouchsafed to doe great Fauours in Prayer his Diuine Maiestie was pleased to giue her knowledge of those things whereof they who were Learned were wholy ignorant My Ghostlie Fathers then gaue me leaue that I might ease my self in some things with her for she was capable manie wayes to vnderstand them for sometimes it had come to her turne to enioy euen some of those verie Fauours which our Lord had also vouchsafed to affoard me togeather with certaine aduertisments which he had also giuen her for the good of her Soule But now as soone as Fray Pedro came to know of my designe he did without saying anie thing to me desire and get leaue of my Prouinciall that I might remaine with her in her House for a matter of some eight dayes and so both there and in seuerall Churches I spoke with him diuerse times in that first occasion of my being there for I communicated my affaires with him also afterward in sundry occasions at which time I gaue him likewise account of my life though yet but in a Summarie way and of the manner of my proceeding in Prayer and this with the greatest claritie which I could possibly vse for this propertie I euer had to treat with all claritie and truth with them to whome I imparted my Soule yea and I still desired that euen the first motions of my hart might be made knowne to them and as for such things as might be subiect anie way to suspition or doubt I still was wont to argue them against my self with the strongest reasons that I could bring So that I imparted my Soule to this Father without anie manner of duplicitie or disguise at all and I found that he vnderstood me almost euen at
the verie first by experience which was indeed the onlie thing whereof I had need at that time for then I could not giue my self so well to be vnderstood as now I can at least not so farre as to expresse it home For since that time it hath pleased our Lord to enable me to vnderstand and to declare to me the Fauours which his Diuine Maiestie doth me but formerly it was necessarie enough for me to find a person who had passed through the same things by experience if I would hope that he should perfectly vnderstand me and declare to me what euerie thing was Now this Father gaue me very great light for I could not by anie meanes vnderstand what that could be which concerned those Visions which were not Imaginarie or represented by the Imagination and me thought also that I vnderstood as little of those others which I saw with the onlie eyes of my Soule for as I haue sayd before those only which were visible by our Corporeall eyes seemed to me to be indeed of importance and of these I had receaued none at all But now this holie man gaue me light in all and declared it to me and required me not to be troubled anie longer but that I should blesse and praise Almightie God and that I was to be very sure that these were true effects of his Spirit and that although it were no Article of Faith yet nothing could be more certainly true nor which I might more firmely beleiue And he comforted himself very much with me and shewed me all courtesie and fauour and euer after he had great care of me and he communicated diuerse of his affaires and businesses with me And finding that I had the self-same desires of those things which he had already put in practise for indeed in as much as concerned desires our Lord had giuen them to me with great resolution and finding also that I was so full of courage in order to that end he tooke particular contentment to treat with me For whensoeuer our Blessed Lord is pleased to bring one to this State there is no ioy or comfort which can be equall to the meeting with some such other person as to whome our Lord hath been pleased to vouchsafe some beginning thereof for then perhaps I had not much more then a beginning by what I may be able to conceiue And I beseech our Blessed Lord that I haue it vet But as for him he had extraordinarie compassion of me and told me that one of the verie greatest afflictions of this life was that which I had endured Namely the opposition and contradiction of good men and that still I would be a little obnoxious in the same kind because I must euer be in need of help and that he feared there was no bodie in that Cittie who would vnderstand me But that he would speake with my Ghostlie Father to one also of those others who was wont to giue me most discomfort which was that married Cauallier of whome I spoke before For he as being a person who loued me perhaps more then the rest did continually make warre vpon me and he was a man of a tender and holie Soule and considering how lately before he had found how wicked I was he knew not how to make himself sure that all was right But now the holle man Fray Pedro grew to talke with those two persons afforesayd and he shewed them causes and reasons why they should both quiet and assure themselues and disturbe me no more As for my Ghostlie Father there was no very great need of much diligence but as for the Cauallier it suffised not for him to heare what Fray Pedro sayd though yet it were a meanes to keep him from frighting me so very much as he had done before But then we resolued togeather that I should write to Fray Pedro of all that which might succeed to me afterward and to recommend one another much to Almightie God for so great was his humilitie as to make some little account of the prayers of this miserable Creature which gaue me confusion enough But he left me with extreame comfort and gust and directed me to proceed securely on with my Prayer and to make no doubt at all but that it was of Almightie God and that whensoeuer I might be in anie doubt for mine owne greater securitie I should impart whatsoeuer occurred to my Ghostlie Father and that then I should hold my self for safe But yet notwithstanding all this counsaile I was not able to be entirely secure because our Lord was pleased to guide me still by the way of feare which sometimes made me apt to doubt that the Diuel had a hand in the busines whensoeuer they would needs tell me that it was so And thus indeed vpon the whole matter no Creature was able to giue me either so much securitie or so much feare as to make me yeild more credit to either of them then our Lord was pleased to infuse into my Soule So that howsoeuer this holie man did helpe me both to quiet and comfort yet did I not so entirely beleiue him as to remaine without anie feare at all especially when our Lord came sometimes to leaue me in certaine troubles of minde which I shall instantly relate yet howsoeuer as I was saying my comfort was then much encreased But I could not then satisfye my self with giuing humble thankes enow to Almightie God and to that Glorious Father of mine S. Ioseph who as I was apt to thinke had brought Fray Pedro thither for he was Commissarie Generall of the Custodia of S. Ioseph to whome as also to our B. Ladie I vsed to recommend my self much Now it had hapned to me formerly sometimes yea and so it doth also yet though not so often to find my self in so excessiue troubles and afflictions of Mind togeather with feirce infirmities afflictions and torments of Bodie that I knew not which way to turne my self At other times I haue been subiect to corporall miseries which were more greiuous but yet not finding my self subiect then to the sense of such sorrowes of minde as now I haue I passed with much alacritie through them all But whensoeuer they of both kindes came togeather the miserie of it was so great as that it gaue me affliction enough And as for those great Fauours which our Lord had been pleased to doe me I then forgot them all and there only remained but such a kind of memorie of them as of a thing which I had dreamt and this serued but to giue me so much the more paine For the Vnderstanding growes in those cases to be all obscured and dulled in such sort as that it made me enter into a thousand suspicions and doubts as if I had not formerly vnderstood things well and that perhaps I followed fancies in stead of truths and that it might haue been miserie enough for me to be deceaued my self without seeking
be neuer so much alone though yet I feele still that I know there is a God and I find also that it is my Imagination and my Vnderstanding which doe me so much hurt in these occasions and cafes for as for my Will me thinkes it stands right in me and that it is disposed to all goodnes But this Vnderstanding of mine is so entirely lost that it seemes to be no other thing then some furious and madd kind of Foole whome no bodie is able to bind nor am I so farre Mistresse thereof as that I can make it quiet for one Credo Sometimes I fall on laughing and yet then doe I know my miserie and stand looking vpon my Soule and permit her to doe what she will and yet our Lord be thanked she neuer by anie meanes applyes her self to anie thing which is ill but only about things which are indifferent if there be anie thing which may occurr to be done either heer or there or anie where els But thus I come to know better the incomparable mercie which our Lord is pleased to shew me vpon his tying-vp this madd foole when we are in perfect contemplation And heer I consider what would become of me if such persons as hold me now for good could discerne me to haue these idlenesses and impertinencies which I haue described heer But now I haue very great compassion of a Soule to find her in so ill companie as this I would faine see her rather in libertie and I expresse my self in this manner to our Blessed Lord When O my God shall I ariue to see my Soule all conioyned and vnited togeather in celebrating thy praise that so all the Powers thereof may admire thee Permit not heerafrer O Lord that she wander vp and downe by peices for now it seemes no otherwise then as if euerie one of the same Powers were running vp and downe in a seuerall way These things passe thus very often and I vnderstand also very well that sometimes the little corporall health I haue contributes much to these inconueniences I also reflect much by these occasions vpon the hurt which the Sinne of our First Parent hath done vs for me thinkes it is growne from thence that we are incapable to enioy so great a good and mine owne sinnes are a great part of the cause for certainly if I had not committed so manie I should haue remained more entire and free towards the doing of good I was subiect also by times to another very great inconuenience for conceauing that I vnderstood all the Bookes that treat of Prayer which I came to read and that already our Blessed Lord had done me some such kind of fauour as that I needed them not for this reason I did not read them but applyed my self to read the Liues of Saints And finding my self also very short in that wherein they had so heroically serued Almightie God this seemed to doe me good and giue me strength but yet me thought this was a signe of little humilitie for me to thinke that I was already ariued to hold that degree of Prayer And not being able to quiet my self otherwise I continued much in paine till certaine learned men and particularly that blessed Creature Fray pedro de Alcantara declared to me that I was not to be troubled at that I am not ignorant that in the seruing of Almightie God I haue not yet so much as begunne though yet the way which his Diuine Maiestie hath held in doing me Fauours is the same which he hath vsed towards such as are good whereas for my part I am no more then a direct downe-right meer imperfection vnlesse it be in my desires to loue him for in this indeed I see well that our Lord hath done me Fauour that so I may performe some little thing for him I confesse me thinkes I loue him but my actions and the manie imperfections which I discerne therein giue me great discomfort At other times my Soule falls into a kind of Foolerie for so it is when me thinkes I doe neither good nor ill but follow on after the walke of others folkes and this neither with paine nor glorie nor with thought of life or death nor gust nor trouble yea me thinkes she feeles nothing at all but rather seemes to me to walke on like some little Asse who seeds and sustaines himself because they giue him somewhat to eate and he eates almost without thinking what he is doing For the Soule when she is in this state is not likely to be without feeding vpon some great Fauours of Almightie God since she is not troubled with liuing in so miserable a life as this but passes through it with patience and equalitie of minde but yet these motions and effects are not found by her in such sort as that the Soule is made to vnderstand her self by them It seemes now also to me to be as when men saile at Sea by the breath of a sweet and gentle Winde for then we ridd much way though we scarce know how Whereas in those other conditions the effects are so very great that the Soule doth almost instantly discerne her owne improuement for instantly doe her desires boile vp and the Soule can neuer satisfye her self but they to whome Almightie God imparts such impetuosities of Loue doe find such operations as these This is like certaine little Springs which I haue obserued to rise and where the Sand neuer ceases to moue vpwards And this example and comparison of Soules which be ariued to this state seemes very naturall to me For Loue will be euer boyling vpward and considering and deuising about what it may be able to doe and can by no meanes be contained in it self as it seemes the water whereof I spake is not able to continue in the earth which still is casting it vp from thence And iust so is it very vsuall for the Soule not to be at quiet or in contentment with her self through the loue she beares to Almightie God but she is so bathed and soaked and filled with it that she wishes that others would drinke too since for her part she cannot want that so they might assist her to sing the praises of Almightie God O how often doe I call to minde that liuing Water whereof our Lord spake to the Samaritan as indeed I am very much deuoted to that Ghospell And really it is most true that I was so euen from my childhood though I did not then vnderstand this benefit as now I doe but I often besought our Lord to bestow of this Water vpon me and alwaies I had the Image or Figure of it at hand with this Motto or Word of hers when he was so neer the Well Domine da mihi hanc aquam O Lord bestovv this vvater vpon me It seemes also to me that as a Fire which is very great needs matter vpon which to worke to the end that it may not be extinguished So also for
those Soules whereof I speake it is necessary that they be bringing wood how deare soeuer it may cost them to the end that this fire may not goe out For my part I am so miserable a Creature that I would be content if I had but strawes to cast in And so it happens to me sometimes yea and very often that one while I would be laughing and at other times much afflicted For a certaine interiour motion and impulse which I haue is euer inciting me to serue God in somewhat and since I am not fitt for greater matters to doe it by gathering Flowers and making Posies and applying them in decent manner to holie Images and Pictures to sweep or dresse-vp some Oratorie or in doing such other little and poore things as gaue me confusion to see that they were no greater And so also if I chanced to doe anie Pennance it was all so very little and so poorely done that vnlesse our Lord should vouchsafe to accept the Desire for the Deed I saw plainely that I was good for nothing and in a word I did euen laugh at my self But now it giues no small trouble to such Soules as it pleases Almightie God through his goodnes to endue with the fire of his Loue in great abundance if they be in want of corporall health and strength whereby they may be able to doe somewhat for him since this giues a very great paine For in regard that we want strength to carrie still more and more wood to this fire and such Soules doe euen dye for the feare they haue least the Fire should goe out it seemes to me that she doth euen consume and burne her self vp into ashes or els euen dissolue her self into teares and so breath her selfe away into nothing and this is a strong kind of torment though it leaue not to be sauourie withall Let such a Soule as this giue great thankes to Almightie God if she haue ariued to this state and if our Lord haue giuen her person corporall strength to doe pennance or if he haue imparted Learning and talents and power to Preach and heare Confessions and winne Soules to Almightie God For she knowes not nor vnderstands not the great benefit which is possessed by her vnlesse she be growne so farre as to feele the affliction which it brings to be euer receauing much at the hands of our Lord and neuer to be able withall to be doing his Diuine Maiestie anie Seruice Let him be euer Blessed for all and let the Angells giue him glorie Amen I know not whether I doe well to be writing of so manie little things but since your Reuerence hath commanded me yet againe not to esteem it anie trouble to enlarge my self and that I must be sure to omit nothing I therefore goe discoursing with clearnes and with truth of as much as I can call to mind And it is impossible but that I should omitt manie things for els it would grow to cost me much more time whereof I haue very little as I haue sayd and then when all were done it would perhaps be of no benefit at all THE ONE AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER She treats of certaine exteriour temptations and representations of the Diuel and of the torments vvhich he gave her She speakes also of other things vvhich are very fitt for the aduise and instruction of such persons as are vvalking on in the vvay of Perfection AS I haue spoken of sorne interiour and secret temptations and disturbances which the Diuel brought vpon me So now will I speake of some others which in effect were publique and wherein I could not be ignorant but that it was he I was once in a certaine Oratorie and he appeared to me on my left side in an abominable kind of figure and in particular I obserued his mouth because he was speaking to me and it was of a most vglie forme It seemed to me that a huge flame came out of his bodie and it was all a very bright one without anie obscuritie at all He told me after a most hideous manner that howsoeuer I had freed my self once out of his hands he would yet find meanes enow to fetch me back againe I was in a mightie feare but I blessed my self as well as I could and so he vanished a way but yet he instantly returned and this hapned to me two seuerall times Nor did I know in the world what to doe only I had Holie-water neer at hand and so I sprinkled it towards the part where he was and he neuer returned to me anie more Another time he was some fiue howers togeather tormenting me with very terrible paine and both exteriour and interiour disquiet in such sort that it was euen past enduring The woemen who were then at hand were astonished to see what passed but neither could they tell what to doe nor I how to serue my self of their helpe My custome is whensoeuer anie corporall sicknes or paine is very intollerable to make certaine Acts within my self the best I can beserching our Blessed Lord that his Diuine Maiestie will giue me patience and that if it shall redound to his Seruice I may continue to suffer so euen till the very end of the world And therefore now when I found my self put to suffer with so much rigour I applyed my self to get help by making some such acts as those and diuerse good purposes also that so I might beare the burthen the better And our Lord was pleased then that I should clearly vnderstand it to be the Diuel for I saw a certaine little abominable Negro or Black-More hard by me gnashing his teeth euen like a despairing wretch but yet in fine he lost by what he hoped to gaine for as soone as I saw him I fell a laughing and had no feare of him at all but there were some persons by who knew not what to doe in this case nor how to procure anie remedie for such paine as they saw me endure the blowes being so great which he made me giue my self both vpon my Armes and my Head and my whole Bodie and I not hauing anie power at all to resist him yea and which was worse then this I was subiect to so great an inward kind of restlesnes and disquiet as I could by no meanes appease no nor yet durst I so much as call for Holie-water for feare of giuing them apprehension who were there and so to make them know what the matter was For my part I haue found by much experience that there is not anie thing from which the Diuels doe so certainly fly and so as to returne no more as from Holie-Water They fly also from the Crosse but in that case they will presently sometimes returne againe So that certainly the vertue of Holie-water is great and for my part my Soule finds a particular and euident kind of comfort when I take it and really and vsually I feele such an ease and pleasure
Lord with such an abundance of mercie had not dispatched all that busines alone For till he out of his owne goodnes did so your Reuerence will already haue seen that on my part there was nothing at all but only rising and falling ouer and ouer I would faine expresse this point home for I beleiue that manie Soules grow to be abused and deceiued because they haue a minde to fly before Almightie God giue them wings I conceiue that I haue formerly vsed this Comparison but it comes also very well in heer for I find that manie Soules are much afflicted vpon this occasion As namely when they beginne with great desires and resolutions to goe forward in the way of vertue and some doe euen giue-ouer all for loue thereof forasmuch as concernes exteriour things and yet see more aduantagious effects and fruits of such vertues as our Lord hath infused into the Soules of others who are more proficient then into theirs and that they cannot performe certaine things which are set downe in those Bookes which are written of Prayer and Contemplation which men are aduised to vse so to make themselues ascend vp the better and the higher to this dignitie And in fine when they cannot instantly obtaine these things they discomfort and afflict themselues As for example not to care a straw if anie bodie should speake ill of vs but rather to take more contentment in it then when they praise vs To haue very little esteeme of our honour To be perfectly vntyed from the care of kindred and friends and not to desire to conuerse with them but rather to be wearie of their companie vnlesse they be persons of Prayer And manie other things of this kind which must in my opinion come from the guift of Almightie God because I hold them for Supernaturall blessings and very contrarie to our owne Naturall inclination And therefore let them not be afflicted but put their trust in our Lord that so what now they haue in desire his Diuine Maiestie may be pleased to giue them afterward with effect and fruit by meanes of Prayer and by their doing on their part what they can For it is a most necessarie thing for this weake and poore Nature of ours to place a great confidence in our B. Lord not to put our selues out of hart nor to thinke but that if we will proceed with courage we shall be victorious and because I haue much experience heerof I will speake a word or two by way of aduise to your Reuerence For you must not thinke though it may appeare as if it were true that anie vertue is already gained vnlesse it be first compared and experimented by the Vice which is contrarie to it And we must alwaies remaine doubtfull and suspitious and not cast off our cares as long as we are the owners of our liues For our weaknesses stick close and fast to vs vnlesse as I was saying before the whole benefit be imparted to vs by Diuine grace to the end that we may know what all the things of this life are worth and that there is neuer anie such thing as can be tearmed all but in companie of manie dangers It seemed to me some few yeares agoe that not only I was not inordinatly tyed to the loue of anie of my kindred but rather that I was wearie of them and it is really very true that there were times when I would not so much as endure their conuersation But yet afterward there occurred a certaine busines of much importance which obliged me to remaine with a certaine Sister of mine whome formerly I had loued with very extraordinarie affection And now being come againe to conuerse with her we suited not so very well with one another For though she were better then I yet being of a different condition from mine in regard that she was married the conuersation was not alwaies that which I could haue wished and therefore I liked to be alone as much as conueniently I might But yet after a while I found that her troubles and affaires brought me more resentment and care by much then such others did as belonged to anie Christian neighbour of mine at large and this gaue me some little disgust against my self for so in fine I came to know that I was not so very free and vntyed as I had formerly conceaued and that moreouer I was to haue auoided the occasion to the end that so this vertue which our Lord had begunne to giue me might haue gotten strength and I haue procured through his Fauour to proceed in this manner euer since When our Lord beginnes to impart a vertue to a Soule it is to be held in great account and by no meanes are we to expose it to the danger of being lost So is it in those things which concerne reputation and honour and so also in others And your Reuerence may well beleiue that not all they and we who esteem our selues to be absolutly vntyed from all things are yet so indeed and we haue need enough not to be slack or negligent heerin For whatsoeuer person there be who feeles anie care at all of anie one point of Honour in himself let him beleiue me if he meane to profit in Spirit that there is euer a certaine tye at the end of it and it is by such a kind of chaine as that there is no File in the world but God and Prayer and very much endeauour on our part which will possibly be able to deuide it it seemes to be so fast a knot that I am amazed to see the mischeif which it brings Sometimes I see certaine persons who seem to be euen Saints by their workes for they doe so very manie and so great ones that the world doth euen admire them and exclame after this manner Deare God! and how comes it to passe that such a Soule as that doth still inhabit the Earth Is he not already at the verie top of Perfection What is this And what can detaine such a man from being a direct and downe-right Saint who doth so great things for God But my answer to this question is That this man hath yet perhaps some little consideration care of preseruing some point of Honour for himself yea and the worst of this busines is that he will by no meanes beleiue that in verie deed there is anie such thing And that happens because sometimes the Diuel makes him conceiue that he is euen obliged to haue a great care of it Well yet let them harken to mee I beseech them and euen for the loue of our Blessed Lord I begg of them that they will beleiue this poore little miserable Ant whome our Lord commands to speake That vnlesse they free themselues from this Caterpiller though perhaps it may not destroy the whole Tree because some other vertues doe still peraduenture remaine yet euen all those verie vertues will be worme-eaten nor will it euer be a beautifull
Tree nor will it either thriue or prosper in it self no nor yet so much as suffer such others to thriue and prosper as shall grow neer it for the fruit of Good-Example which it can giue will not be wholesome or sound nor last long And I say and say againe that when there is anie point of Honour to be maintained how little soeuer that may be it is like the Stopp of the Organ whereof when the Point or Compasse is in fault the whole Musick is also then in disorder It is a vice which is alwaies procuring hurt enough to the Soule but in the way of Prayer it is the verie pestilence it self For then we are going to procure to ioyne our selues by way of Vnion with Almightie God and we say that we dispose our selues to obserue and follow the Councells of Christ our Lord whome we find to be all loaden with iniuries and false testimonies against him and yet we must forsooth be carefull to hold-vp our owne reputation and honour very right and streight But it is not possible euer to ariue at that iourneys end without going by the same way which he went And our Blessed Lord comes approaching then to a Soule when we endeauour to concurr with him and procure to depart and descend in manie things from that which is euen our right But now some perhaps will say I know not wherein that should be and I haue nothing of this kind to offer vp for his sake Yet for my part I am apt to beleiue that whosoeuer hath indeed so generous a resolution as this his Diuine Maiestie will ordaine him so manie different wayes for the gayning of this vertue that perhaps he would not wish to haue had so manie Let vs all therefore put our hands to worke for I am able to tell you that the Nothings and poore Littlenesses or some of them at least which are those miserable Strawes whereof I haue spoken and which I cast into the fire for I am fitt for nothing els are all admitted and accepted by our Blessed Lord and let him be praised for euer Amongst the rest of my imperfections I was subiect to this for one I had very little knowledge of the Breuiarie and of all that which was to be performed in the Quire and this hapned by my being so very carelesse and giuen to vanities and the while I saw other Nouices who were able to haue instructed me Now I forbore to aske them anie questions for feare least they should know of my ignorance But shortly after a good example came before me for this mercie is vsually vouchsafed by Almightie God and so when he had a little opened mine eyes I would then be content to aske whatsoeuer I knew not most perfectly well though for the most part I knew it and thus both I lost forsooth no honour by the bargaine and afterward it seemed to me that our Lord was pleased to giue me a better memorie I also knew the Singing part very ill and I was troubled if I did not learne what I was bidden yet not this because I failed in what I should haue performed as in the presence of our Lord for that had been vertue in me but in regard that there were so manie who heard me and thus I was so disordered vpon the meer point of looking forsooth to mine honour that really I acquitted my self much worse then I knew how to haue done before But afterward I thought it fitter to tell them plainely that I could not doe that well which indeed I could not doe At the first I had some difficultie also euen in this but afterward I tooke contentment in doing it And really it is very true that when once a bodie beginnes not to care that she be knowne not to know a thing she shall performe it much better And when this base vglie Honour is once put out of the way this Honour I meane which euerie bodie places where and in what he will by these Nothings which are really Nothing and I am sure I am Nothing enough whome such a Bable could put to so much paine I was able to doe those things better and thus by performing such poore acts and such miserable little things as these his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafes to giue them strength and value as hauing been performed for his sake He also helpes vs on towards greater things and so did it happen to me in matters concerning Humilitie by my seeing that they all profited except my self for I was neuer good for anie thing But ònly when they went from the Quire I would stay to fold-vp their Mantles for it seemed no lesse to me then that they were as so many Angells themselues who sung the praises of Almightie God and still I vsed to doe it till they came to heare of it but then I was not a little ashamed For my vertue did not ariue so farre as to desire that they might know of it not yet because I was humble but only that they might not laugh at me for my labour and for my being so absolutly good for nothing O my deare Lord how meer a scorne and shame is it to see so great wickednes as mine and find me reckon-vp such poore and paltrie little graines of sand as these which yet also I raised not out of the earth for thy honour and seruice but all was wrapt vp in a thousand miseries for the water of thy Grace had not yet sprung and boyled-vp in mee to make them rise O thou my deare Creatour that I had something of worth and substance which I might recount and present to thee amongst so manie sinnes of mine since I am commanded to relate those great Fauours which I haue receaued from thee It is true O my Lord and my God that I know not how this hart of mine can endure it not how anie Creature who shall euer reade this Storie can faile to abhorre me when he sees such immense Fauours as thine so ill acknowledged and thy self so ill serued for them and that I am no more ashamed to relate in fine these little seruices as if they were mine And yet O my deare Lord I am ashamed but only my not haueing anie thing els to recount with anie colour of being mine owne makes me vnfold these so base beginnings of mine to the end that whosoeuer may haue layd his owne more solidly and substantially vp for thy seruice may well haue good hope by the meanes since he who hath vouchsafed to accept my poore beginnings in part of payment will certainly receaue those others better which are greater I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie to giue me grace at length that I may not still continue in these things which are but beginnings Amen THE TWO AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER She treats hovvit pleased our Lord to put her in Spirit into a place of Hell vvhich she sayd she had deserued for her Sinnes She relates vvhat vvas represented to her there
may hope from those terrible and perpetuall torments Since that time as I was saying there is nothing which seemes not easie to me in cōparison of one moment of that which is to be suffered there And I was in a very great wonder that hauing so often read diuerse Bookes which giue me some notice of a part of the torments of Hell I feared them so little and held them in so small account considering in what case I was then and how it was possible for me to receaue contentment in anie such thing as finally was to carrie me on to so wretched a place as that is Be thou eternally Blessed O my God for how well hast thou made it appeare that thou louedst me incomparably better then I doe my self How often O my deare Lord hast thou deliuered me from that darke and horrible Dungeon and how often haue I returned to cast my self in thither againe euen against thy will From hence also I got a facilitie to be in very great paine for the manie Soules of these Lutherans which are condemned to Hell and especially because they had once been members of the Holy Catholique Church by their Baptisme I gained also great impulses to doe good to Soules and really it seemes to me to be very certaine that for the sauing of anie of them from so greiuous and euerlasting torments I could suffer manie deaths with a very good will For I consider that if we see a person in this world whome we loue vndergoe anie great affliction or paine it seemes that euen our naturall disposition inuites vs to haue compassion of the case and so much as that paine is greater so much the more And therefore now to see a Soule which is for euer to be enchained to the enduring of that supreame affliction and miserie of all miseries who shall be able to beare it and what hart can euer brooke it without strange trouble And since we are moued heer to so much compassion of men whose miseries haue yet a tearme prefixed and at the furthest they are to end with their liues how shall we be able to get patience for thinking of the infinit torments of those others considering what a huge number of Soules the Diuel is daily carrying into Hell This consideration also makes me desire that in a busines of so mightie importance we may not be satisfyed with lesse then the doeing of the very vttermost we can on our part and that we leaue nothing at all vnattempted to secure our selues by that meanes and I humbly beseech our Blessed Lord to giue vs all his grace for this purpose When I consider that howsoeuer I were formerly most wicked yet had I some little care to ferue Almightie God not yet did I then commit certaine things which are taken and swallowed downe by the world as familiarly as to turne the hand And with this I endured huge sicknesses and I did it with that great patience which our Lord was pleased to giue me for that purpose and I was also not inclined to murmure and detract or to speake hardly of anie Creature nay it seemes to me as if I scarce had power to with anie bodie anie ill nor was I couetous nor enuious for anie thing that I could euer remember at least to anie such proportion as might result to the great offence of Almightie God And some other things also there are wherein though I were very wicked I had vsually the feare of Almightie God before me And yet notwithstanding all this I see where the Diuels had taken vp and prouided my lodgeing and it is true that considering what my faults had been it seemed to me that I yet deserued more punishment But howsoeuer vpon the whole matter I declare that it was a most horrible torment and and that it is a dangerous thing that the Soule should take contentment and be at rest which is falling euerie minute into Mortall Sinne. Nay rather for the loue of Almightie God let vs remoue all the occasions thereof for our Lord will help vs all as he hath done me And I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie not to giue ouer to hold me fast in his hand least if he doe I returne to fall for in that case I see already what is to become of me for euer but I beseech our B. Lord againe not to suffer it euen for his owne mercies sake Amen But now after my seeing all this as also manie other great things and secrets which our Lord through his owne mercie was pleased to shew me concerning the Glorie which is designed in the next life for the good and the Torments for the wicked and I procuring now to light vpon some way or meanes whereby I might doe Pennance for so much ill as I had committed and might be able also to doe somewhat towards the obtaining of so great a good I desired euen to fly out of the sight of mankind and now at length once for all to deuide my selfe from the world and to part from it And my hart would now be quiet no longer but yet was not that disquiet of mine anie troublesome kind of thing but rather of contentment and gust and it was euident that it came from Almightie God and that his Diuine Maiestie had giuen heate enough to this Soule of mine for the disgesting of other and stronger meates then she had formerly taken And now I beganne to consider what I might possibly he able to doe for Almightie God and the first thing I thought was to follow that first Call which his Diuine Maiestie had giuen me to leade a Religious Life and that by the Obseruance of my Rule with the greatest perfection that I could practise And though there were in the Monasterie wherein I found my self at that time manie Seruants of Almightie God by whome he was very much serued in that place yet in regard they wanted temporall meanes manie of the Religious woemen were cast into a kind of necessitie to goe abroad sometimes for releife of the House but yet they did it so as to passe with all kind of chastitie and pietie And besides that House was not founded according to the first rigour of the Rule but only the same Rule was obserued in conformitie with all the rest of the Order according to the Bulles of Relaxation and dispensation There were also some other inconueniences and besides it seemed to me that the place was of much Regalo in regard that it was both large and pleasant But especially the inconuenience of going sometimes out of the Monasterie was growne to be a very great one for me though formerly I had been one who made most familiar vse of it my self in regard that sometimes some persons whome the Superiours being importuned could not well refuse tooke contentment that I should accompanie them who went abroad And by this meanes according to the vse which was held I might grow by degrees to remaine very
whilst I found my self in that condition I was apparrelled with a certaine Garmēt of much whitenes and clearnes and at the first I could not tell who it was that cloathed me but afterward I saw our B. Ladie on the right hand and my Father S. Ioseph on the left who apparelled me then with that Robe and it was giuen me to be vnderstood that I was now growne to be cleansed from my Sinnes When thus I was apparelled and found my self full of ioy and glorie it instantly seemed to me that our B. Ladie layd hold vpon me and told me That it contented her much to see me serue the Glorious S. Ioseph That I was to beleiue that what I pretended concerning the Monasterie should be effected and That our Lord and they two would be much serued there That I must not be afrayd that euer there would be anie failing therein howsoeuer some commandments which might fall out to be imposed vpon me would not be according to my gust for euen themselues in fine would defend and keep vs That her Sonne had already promised that he would be and remaine with vs and in testimonie that all this should proue true she cast a faire and bright Chaine of gold about my neck with a Crosse fastned to it of great value But this Gold and these Pretious Stones are so very different from those of this world that there is no manner of comparison between them for the beautie of these is farre other then anie thing which we can imagine heer Nor doth humane Vnderstanding ariue to know of what the Garment was made nor how to fancie that cleare whitenes to it selfe which our Lord is pleased to represent for all that of this inferiour world is no better then a kind of scratch with a coale as a man may say in respect of the other The beautie also which I saw in our B. Ladie was excessiue though yet I could not determine the forme or figure of anie particular part which I might assigne her but only the frame and ayre of the whole face togeather She was apparrelled in white with excesse of splendour but yet of no such kind as dazles but most dearly sweet As for the Glorious S. Ioseph I saw not him so clearly though yet I well perceaued that he was there like those Visions whereof I spake which are not seen Our B. Ladie was extraordinatily young and she remained with me a very little while and I had excessiue glorie and gust by it and more in my opinion then euer I had enioyed before and I would certainly haue been glad enough if I might neuer haue left it It seemed to me that I saw them both ascend to Heauen with a very great multitude of Angells and I the while remained in much Solitude though yet withall so comforted and eleuated and euen dissolued and recollected in Prayer that I remained for some space of time in such sort as not to be able either to speake or stirre but I was wholy as it were out of my self And I continued with a great impulse of desire to be euen as it were annihilated for Almightie God and I found also such effects thereof and the whole passed-on in such sort as that I was neuer able though I endeauoured much to doubt but that this Visitation was of Almighty God The Queen of the Angells left me topp-full of comfort and of profound peace by what she sayd to me of Obedience and the Case was this For my part I was very vnwilling not to giue this House vp to the Order and indeed our Lord himself had told me that it was not fitt that they should haue it and he also deliuered me the reasons why it was not by anie meanes fitt but that I should send about it to Rome by a certaine way and he also made me know that he would cause it to be dispatched from thence and so it was And it was sent by that verie meanes whereof our Lord had told me but we should neuer haue finally been able to dispatch it of our selues and vpon the occasions which succeeded afterward it was very fitt that it should be submitted by way of Obedience to the Bishop Yet then I knew him not nor vnderstood what kind of Prelate he was but our Lord was pleased that he should be so good and should fauour this House as much as was fitt yea and euen necessarie for the encountring of that great cōtradiction which occurred heerin as I shall declare afterward and to put it into that state wherein now it is And let him be euer Blessed who hath so disposed of all Amen THE FOVRE AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER She declares hovv at this time she vvas necessarily to goe from that place and she shevves the cause thereof and hovv her Superiour commanded her to goe for the comfort of a certaine Ladie vvho vvas much afflicted She beginnes to treat of that vvich hapned to her there and of the great fauour vvhich it pleased our Lord to doe by her meanes in stirring-vp a very principall person to doe him great seruice and hovv aftervvard she receaued much fauour and protection from him This is an admirable Discourse and very much to be noted BVt notwithstanding all the care I tooke that men might not know what we were doing this whole Busines could not be carried with so much secrecie but that manie must needs vnderstand it and some of them did beleiue it and others not For my part I was hartily afrayd that if the Prouinciall should come and they chance to tell him of it he would command me to giue it ouer and then the whole designe would be at an end But our Lord ordained things in such sort that about à matter of twentie leagues off it occurred that there was a certaine Ladie very much afflicted by the death of her Husband and she found her self in such extremitie thereby that her health was much concerned and feared Now she had gotten some notice of this miserable poore wretched Sinner for it seemes that our Lord had ordained already that they should speake well of me in her hearing for the effecting of other good things which depended vpon this This Ladie was very well acquainted with this Prouinciall and he considering what a principall person she was and that I was in a Monasterie which kept not Clausure our Lord gaue her so great a desire to see me as conceauing that she should receaue comfort by my meanes that it was almost no longer now in her power not instantly to procure by all possible endeauour to get me thither and so she sent to the Prouinciall who was very farre off at that time and accordingly he also sent me an expresse commandment vnder Obedience that forthwith I should transport my self thither with a Companion Now I came to know of this vpon a Christmasse-Day at night and it put me into much disorder and gaue me a great deale of paine
to find that they resolued to carrie me away as conceauing that there was some goodnes in me For considering how wicked I knew my self to be I could by no meanes endure it but so recommending my self much to Almightie God I remained during all the time of Matins or at least the farre larger part thereof in a verie great Rapt Our Lord declared to me then that I should not faile to goe and that I was not to harken to the opinions of others for few would thinke without rashnes that they could aduise me to goe but that howsoeuer the iourney might be of much trouble to mee yet that he would be greatly serued thereby and that it would be also very conuenient that I should absent my self from hence till the Breue were come because the Diuel had a great plott prouided against the time when the Prouinciall should be there but yet that I must be afrayd of nothing for that in fine he should assist me in the busines Vpon this I was much comforted and encouraged and I related the whole Storie to the Rectour who told me that I must by no meanes forbeare to goe but others sayd that I must not doe it by anie meanes and that it was but an inuention of the Diuell to the end that some mischeife might happen to me and that my best way would be to reply vpon the Prouinciall But I obeyed the Rectour and considering also what had passed in Prayer I beganne my iourney without feare but yet not without extreame confusion to consider vnder what title and occasion they called for me And finding how much they were deceiued it made me euen importune our Blessed Lord so much the more not to forsake me Now it comforted me extreamly that there was in that place whither I was going a Colledge of the Societie of Iesus and that I might be subiect to that wherein they should direct me when I was there for by this meanes I conceaued that I was to be in a kind of safetie But when I ariued there our Blessed Lord was pleased that the Ladie should receaue so much comfort that her amendment was quickly seen for she was euerie day better and better And this was the more esteemed because as I sayd before the paine wherein she was did hold her in great difficulties and straights And it is likelie that our Lord graunted her ease at the instance of the manie prayers which certaine holie persons whome I knew did make in my behalfe that so all might succeed happily to me She had also euen in her self a great feare of Almightie God and was so full of vertue and goodnes that her much Christianitie and pietie supplyed for that which was wanting in me Now she grew into a great loue of me and I remained not a whitt in her debt when I saw her goodnes But yet in effect euen all was trouble to me there for the Regalo's which they gaue me were no lesse then so manie torments to me and their making so much account of me as they shewed did put me into a great deale of feare I therefore carried my Soule so restrained and so retired within my self that I durst not be anie way carelesse in that kind and so also was not our Lord vnmindefull of me For he did me whilst I was there most excessiue Fauours and they endued me with so true and so great libertie of Spirit as to make me vndervalue despise all those testimonies of estimation honour which I found there the more the more and so as that I failed not to treat with those Ladies who were so great with as much libertie as if I had been equall to them whereas yet they were of such qualitie that I might without anie dishonour at all to my self haue been euen their domestick Seruant I drew a great aduantage and benefit from thence and so I told her I found that she was subiect to some weaknesses and passions as my self am and how little she was in reason to esteem her greatnes and power which still the more it is so much the more trouble and care it drawes after it And they are faine to take such thought for liuing in such a forme and methode as is fitt forsooth for their greatnes and ranke that vpon the matter it scarce giues them leaue to liue For they eat out of time and out of order because all forsooth must goe in conformitie to the state which they hold and not with anie regard to their constitution and health nay sometimes they must feed vpon such meates as are more agreable to their greatnes then to their gust and so as that for my part I wholy abhorred so much as euen to desire to be a great Ladie God deliuer me from such ill-fauoured grauitie and greatnes as this for though the Ladie of whome I speake be one of the greatest of this Kingdome and I beleiue there are few more humble and more affable then she yet really I had and haue compassion of her to see how she passes manie times not in conformitie euen so much as with her owne inclination but to comply with her condition for euen in point of Seruants there is very little trust to be reposed and though she had them good yet must she not speake more confidently and kindly to one of them then to another and if she doe whosoeuer is most fauoured by her must be sure to be lesse beloued by others In fine this greatnes is a great subiection and indeed one of the greatest Lyes which euer the world can tell is when it calls such persons as these Lords and Ladies for as for me they all seem to be no other thing then euen Slaues and that a thousand times ouer Our Lord was pleased at that time whilst I remained with that Ladie in her House that the domesticks also there improued much in the seruice of his Diuine Maiestie though yet for my part I was not free from some troubles yea and certaine enuies also which were expressed to my disaduantage by certaine persons in regard of the great affection which that Ladie bore me and perhaps they were so ill aduised as to imagine that I had some thought of interest by what I did But our Lord was pleased to permit that they should giue me some few little troubles both in this kind and also in others least els I might perhaps haue growne to be intoxicated by the Regalo which was vouchsafed to me on the other side but he was pleased to fetch me out of all those accidents and aduentures with the aduantage and improuement of mine owne Soule Whilst yet I remained there a certaine Religious man and a very eminent person with whome I had treated sometimes though it were maine yeares before did chance to ariue in that place And I being one day at Masse in a Monasterie of his Order which was neer to the place where I kept was taken with a
kind of inclination to know in what condition or state that Soule was for I desired that he might be a very great Seruant of Almightie God I rose then from siting where I was that so I might be going towards him but yet hauing been already recollected in Prayer it seemed to me then afterwards that it would be no better then lost time and what forsooth had I to doe with him and so I then disposed my self to sit downe againe and as I now remember I did the verie same thing no lesse then three seuerall times In fine the good Angell was stronger then the ill and I went and required him to be called and so he came I then beganne to aske him diuerse questions as he did me because manie yeares had slipt away since we mett last concerning the seuerall Liues of one another And I beganne to tell him that as for mine it had been subiect to manie afflictions of Minde Vpon this he pressed much to know what those afflictions might be and I told him that it was neither greatly pertinent to be knowne nor very fitt for me to relate But he replyed that since the Father of S. Dominick's Order knew them that Father whome I had affirmed to be so much his freind would presently let him know them and therefore that I needed not trouble my self to relate them But in fine the Case grew to be this that neither was it in his power to forbeare to importune me nor in mine to forbeare to declare my self heerin to him For with all that trouble and shame which I vsed to haue whensoeuer there was discourse of things like this yet when I treated of them with this man and with the Rectour also of the Societie of whome I spake before it put me to no trouble at all but rather it was of comfort to me I therefore vnfolded my selfe to him but yet vnder the Seale of Confession and me thought he was more aduised then euer though I alwayes held him to be a man of very great vnderstanding I considered the manie talents and parts he had wherewith to doe a huge deale of good if he would giue himself entirely to Almightie God And it is true that I haue had this qualitie for diuerse of these latter yeares that I cannot see anie Creature who contents me much but I must instantly desire to haue him wholy giuen to Almightie God and I wish it euen with such an extremitie of appetite that I know not almost in those cases what to doe with my self And though it be very true that I would faine haue all the world doe him Seruice yet I desire with very great impulse and euen impetuositie that the persons who please me best should doe it most and so I often vse to importune our Lord extreamly in their behalf But as for that Religious man of whome I was speaking he besought me that I would recommend him earnestly to Almightie God but that was more then needed for already I was so gone with the man that I could not possibly doe otherwise And so I went to the place where I was accustomed to put myself in Prayer all alone and being then in deep recollection I beganne to deale with our Blessed Lord and it was in a stile so very familiar that it was euen halfe foolish for I treat with him manie times without knowing almost distinctly what I say For then it is not so properly my person as my Loue which speakes and the Soule is so alienated euen from her self that I scarce discerne the difference which then there is between Almightie God and me For the great loue which my Soule knowes that his Diuine Maiestie beares her makes her forget what she is in her self as conceauing that she is then in him And so as if both she and he were one and the self-same thing without diuision or distinction she vtters but impertinencies and roauings I remember that I told him thus much after I had begged of him with abundance of teares that the Soule of that Religious man might apply it self to his Seruice in great earnest That although I held him already for good yet that would not serue my turne for I must haue him very good and accordingly I sayd further thus in plaine tearmes O Lord thou must not denye me this favour but consider that this man vvill be very fitt to make afreind for vs both O great Humanitie and Bountie of Almightie God! nor doth he so much consider our words but the desires and affections wherewith they are spoken But now how can he come to endure that such a miserable Creature as I should speake to his Diuine Maiestie with so much boldnes But let him be Blessed for euer The while I remember well that in those howers of Prayer wherein I exercised my self that night our Lord gaue me a great affliction by my doubting whether I were in his fauour But now I desired not so much to know that as I did euen desire to dye rather then to continue in such a life as wherein I might not be sure whether I were dead or no. For it were not possible for me to endure a sharper death then to thinke that I had offended Almightie God And this paine put me into such straights that being all regaled as I was and euen melted and dissolued in teares I humbly besought his Diuine Maiestie that he would not permit it And so I came then to vnderstand that I might well be comforted and confide that I was in state of Grace for that such loue of Almightie God and the imparting of such Fauours and feelings as his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafed to me were not compatible with anie such Soule as should be in Mortall Sinne. But in the meane time I grew into a kind of assured hope that our Lord would grant the thing to that other person which I humbly begged at his hands He commanded me also to deliuer certaine words to him But at this indeed I was troubled much as not knowing how I should be able to vtter them For the point of carrying a message to a third person in such sort as I was saying is a thing which doth alwaies afflict me especially when I know not how it will be taken or whether the person will not laugh at me for my labour This put me to a great deale of trouble but yet in fine I thinke I was so farre perswaded as to promise Almightie God that I would not forbeare to impart them and through the great confusion and shame wherein I was I wrote them and so deliuered them to him And now this well appeared to be an action of Almightie God by the great effect it wrought For he resolued to giue himself to Prayer after very a serious manner though yet he did it not so very soone But yet our Lord designing to make him wholy his owne was pleased to declare certaine truths to him by my meanes
which howsoeuer I vnderstood them not my self did yet fall out so fitly for him that he was euen amazed And our Lord disposed him to beleiue that they came from his Diuine Maiestie and I on the other side though I be that poore miserable Creature which I am did humbly and earnestly beseech our Lord that he would perfectly and entirely conuert that man to himself and make him abhorre all the contentments and Creatures of this life And so for which let him be Blessed for euer he hath been pleased to doe it and that in so very perfect a manner that whensoeuer this Seruant of his is speaking to me it makes me in effect turne half foole and if I had not seen it with my verie eyes I should hold it for a doubtfull thing how Fauours could possibly be heaped-vp so very high vpon a Creature in so short a time and should hold him so busily and continually employed vpon Almightie God that already he seemes not to liue for the vse of anie thing of this world I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie to keep him in his protection still for certainly if he proceed after this rate as I hope in our Lord he will his Spirit being so deeply rooted in the knowledge of himself he will grow to be of the most eminent Seruants he hath and will be able to doe good to manie Soules For he hath gotten great experience concerning things of Spirit in a very short time and these are guifts which Almightie God imparts when and how he will without anie precise respect either to the time which hath been spent or els to the qualitie of the Seruice I say not yet but that this may also import much but that our Lord forbeares sometimes to giue that to a person in twentie yeares of Contemplation which yet he forbeares not to bestow vpon some other in one Our Lord knowes the reason of this And it is also a deceiptfull errour which abuses vs when it seemes we may vnderstand and obtaine that by account of yeates which can by no meanes be had without experience of the verie things as they are And so manie err as I haue sayd in thinking that they are fitt to iudge of Spirits without hauing anie themselues I say not but that a learned man though he haue no great knowledge of Spirit may gouerne another man who hath Spirit But this is to be vnderstood both in the exteriour and in the interiour way so farre as it may carrie a conformitie with the Naturall Powers by the worke of his Vnderstanding and as for those things which are Supernaturall he must be carefull that all goe on with consent to Holie Scripture And for the rest let him not vex himself nor conceaue that he vnderstands that whereof indeed he knowes nothing nor stifle and choake those Spirits which forasmuch as concernes these things are gouerned by another and a higher Lord for in fine they are not without a Superiour of their owne Be not amazed at this nor let these things seem impossible to you for all is very possible to our Lord but procure you to re-inforce your Faith and to humble your self when you see that our Blessed Lord knowes how to make a poore old ignorant woeman become a more knowing Creature perhaps in this Science then he who may be otherwise a very learned man For by meanes of this Humilitie one shall be able to doe more good both to the Soules of others and his owne then if he grow to be Contemplatiue without that Vertue And I say and say againe that if he be not a man of experience or if at least he haue not very abundantly of Humilitie wherewith to vnderstand that he vnderstands not the busines and that yet it is not impossible but that the thing in question may be true he shall both gaine little himself and enable him also lesse to gaine with whome he deales But on the other side if he haue Humilitie he may be well out of feare that our Lord will euer permit that either the one or the other shall be deceaued But now concerning this Father of whome I speake as our Lord hath giuen him experience in manie things so hath he also endeauoured to acquire all that which may be gotten by studie in this kind And whēsoeuer his owne experience falls short he informes himself by their meanes who haue more And heer our Lord comes to assist him by giuing him a great proportion of Faith and by this meanes he hath done very much good both to his owne Soule and those also of others and mine is one of them For our B. Lord considering the manie afflictions which I was to endure it seemes would prouide that sice some of them would be brought vpon me by such as were to gouerne my Soule there yet might be others found who would helpe me to goe through with those troubles and assist me much But as for this Religious man of whome I haue spoken so much our Lord hath so entirely changed him that vpon the matter he is no longer to be knowne for the man he was He hath now also giuen him much corporall strēgth whereby he is now enabled to doe Pennance which was impossible for him before for he was euer sicklie And he is also full of courage towards the performing of anie thing which is good and besides he hath varietie of other excellent things which make it well appeare that his Vocation came most particularly from our Lord And let him be Blessed for euer For my part I beleiue that all this good is come to him by the Fauours which our Lord hath done him in Prayer for they are not painted things or put loosely on but our Lord hath been pleased to haue him brought to the Touch and he hath proued therein as one who vnderstands very well the true value of that merit which is gotten by the well suffering of persecutions And I trust in the greatnes of our Lord that much good will accrue to some of his Order by his meanes yea and euen to the whole Order it self Already this beginnes to be vnderstood and my self haue seen great Visions and our Lord hath told me some particulars both of him and of the Rectour of the Colledge of the Societie of IESVS of whome I spake and they are things of great admiration as also of two other Religious men of S. Dominick's Order but especially of one for whose proceeding and profit in the way of Spirit our Lord hath already manifested some things to the world by reall proofe I had also heard formerly of him but they are manie instances which concerne the person of whome I spake before and one of them I will heer recount I was once with him in a Locutorie or Speaking-place of a Monasterie and so very great was the loue of Almightie God which my Soule and Spirit vnderstood to be euen burning in his that I was euen as it were
in respect of his I accused my self then as in fault yea and as very faultie and so I make no doubt but I was in the opinions of all them who knew not very much of the Cause And after they had giuen me a great reprehension though not yet with so much rigour as the fault might seem to deserue and as manie of them told the Prouincial that I had committed I was absolutly for my part resolued to hold on this course And so I rather desired that they should pardon me and then punish me if they would but by no meanes remaine vnkinde or ill-affected towards me In some things I plainly saw that they had no reason at all against me but that they condemned me without cause as when they sayd I had done whatsoeuer I had done to the end that I might be held in great opinion and to be talked of and such other toyes as that But in others I saw clearly that they sayd true as namely that I was much worse then the rest and that since I had not kept the Obseruances of that House which were maintained with so much pietie and deuotion there how could I come to thinke of performing another Rule of more rigour and that this was but to raise-vp nouelties in the world and to scandalize the people But yet all this caused no tumult in my hart nor put mee to anie paine at all though yet I shewed to be in some least otherwise they might conceaue that I vndervalued what they sayd But in fine the Prouincial commanded me to giue account of my self to them of the former Monastery and that I must necessarily doe it And so being at great peace within my self and our Lord assisting me therein I gaue such a discharge of my actions as that neither the Prouincial nor the Religious Woemen who were in that Assemblie found anie thing for which to condemne me After this I spoke more plainly to him in priuate and I did it also more at large and he was very well satisfyed with me and promised me that if the Cittie should proceed towards a being quiet againe he would giue me leaue to goe to my Monasterie But the disorder and distemper of the Cittie was so very great as I shall now declare Within two or three dayes after that time the Gouernour and other Magistrates of the Towne and some also of the Chapter of the Cathedrall Church mett togeather and they all declared ioyntly That by no meanes they must permit the worke to goe forward That it would result to the euidēt disaduantage of the Common-Wealth That they must not faile to remoue the B. Sacrament from thence and by no meanes permit the busines to proceed One onlie Doctour of S. Dominick's Order although he were of a contrarie opinion to vs I meane not in that point of the Monasterie but in that other of being incapable of Reuenue and Poore sayd that there was no cause why the House should instantly be dissolued after that manner but that it ought to be well considered That there would be time enough for this That it was a Case which belonged to the Bishop and diuerse other things of this kind which did very much good to the busines For considering how great the furie of the people was it was happie that they did not put the dissoluing of the House presently in execution And this shewed that the thing in fine was to take effect and that our Blessed Lord was pleased to haue it so and that they all could doe little against his will and pleasure but yet they all assigned their reasons and expressed good zeale in what they sayd And yet thus without their giuing offence to Almightie God they made both me and diuerse others suffer who fauoured the Busines The tumultuous disposition of the people was so great that now there was no talke of anie thing els and they all agreed in condemning me and in going to complaine of me to the Prouincial and to my Monasterie As for me I was no more troubled at what they sayd then if they had not sayd it but the onlie feare I had was whether or no they would dissolue the House for this put me to a great deale of paine and so also did it to see that the persons who assisted me lost credit and were otherwise also put to much inconuenience by it But as for that which they sayd of me I was rather glad of it then otherwise And if I had had anie Faith it would haue made no alteration in me at all but when there is a want in some one vertue all the rest are wont to be cast into a kind of slumber And so I was much troubled during those two dayes wherein the two Assemblies whereof I spake were made amongst the people And I being very much afflicted our Lord said these words to me Dost thou not knovv that I am povverfull Of vvhat art thou afrayd And thus did he assure me that the House should not be dissolued whereby I remained full of comfort But then did they dispatch their Agents or Sollicitours to the Councell Royall with their Informations and so there came order from thencė to send a Relation thither of the whole proceeding So that heet we might behold the beginning of a great Suite in Law for already some were gone to the Court on the part of the Cittie others were instantly to goe on the part of the Monasterie and on the other side neither had we anie monie nor did I know what to doe but our Lord prouided all things for vs. And as for me my Father Prouinciall did neuer forbid me to deale in it for he is so true a friend to all Vertue that although he did not assist in the worke yet he would not be against it though yet withall it be very true that he would neuer giue me leaue to passe to this new Monasterie till he might see what kind of end the Busines would haue In the meane time the Seruants of God were all alone and did more with their prayers then all that which I was able to doe by way of negotiation though yet still it were necessarie to vse diligence enough Sometimes it would seem that all was wanting and especially one day before the Prouinciall came hither when the Prioresse commanded me not to treat anie more about that busines but to giue it vtterly ouer But then went I to Almightie God and sayd O my Lord This House is not mine but it was made for thee and now there is no Creature to negotiate the busines for vs and therefore thy Diuine Maiestie must be pleased to doe it Heervpon I found my self really and instantly at so great ease and so without anie manner of trouble as if I had had the whole world on my side to employ it self for me and so I held all the busines to be in safetie Vpon this a certaine Priest a very great Seruant of
to that iourney for that onlie purpose For himself told me afterwards that he had no occasion at all to come but only by haueing heard of this busines and that he grew to know of it meerly by chance He stayed heer as long as was necessarie and when he was returning home he procured by certaine meanes which he vsed that our Father Prouincial should giue leaue both that I and some others also might come to stay at our new Monasterie which yet seemed a kind of impossible thing for him to grant so soone yea and that I might also doe the office of teaching and instructing such as were there already But the day when I got thither was of extreame comfort to my hart For being in Prayer in the Church before I entred into the Monasterie and being in a kind of Rapt I saw Christ our Lord appeare and me thought he receaued me with great loue and put a Crowne vpon my head gaue me thākes for the Seruice which I had done to his Mother At another time also we being all in the Quire and in Prayer after Compline I saw our B. Ladie in excessiue glorie with a white Mantle vpon and about her and she seemed to shelter and protect vs all vnder that Mantle and I vnderstood how high a degree of glorie our Blessed Lord would vouchsafe to the Religious of that House When we came once to celebrate the Office of the Church the deuotion which the people beganne to carrie towards vs was very great and already there grew to come more Religious to vs and our Lord beganne also to incline euen them to doe vs most fauour and most bountifully to impart all things to vs who had persecuted vs most And they came to approue that which they had misliked before and so by little and little they let their Suite fall And they sayd that now they were come to vnderstand that it was the worke of Almightie God since his Diuine Maiestie had been pleased that it should proceed and prosper in despight of so great contradiction Yea now there is not a Creature who conceaues that it had been well done to desist from the Worke and accordingly they take much care to prouide vs with Almes euen without our desiring anie thing at anie time of anie bodie So that it seemes our Blessed Lord stirres them vp to send it to vs of themselues and so we passe without the want of anie thing in the world which is necessarie and I hope in our Blessed Lord that it shall for euer be so For being so few as we are if withall we shall doe our dutie as now his Diuine Maiestie giues vs grace to doe I make my self very sure that we shall want nothing and so haue no occasion to be troublesome or importunate towards anie Creature but that as I was saying our Lord will take care of vs heerafter as he hath been pleased to doe hitherto And for me it is an excessiue comfort to see my self setled heer with such Seruants of Almightie God as are so totally vntyed from all the persons and things of this world Their conuersation and discourse is only how they may be able to proceed best and fastest in the Seruice of his Diuine Maiestie Solitude is the greatest Solace they can enioy and to thinke that they shall see anie Creature but only such as may assist them towards the enkindling and inflaming their harts to the loue of their Spouse is the greatest trouble they haue yea though it should be from the neerest kindred they know And so there comes no bodie hither but such as loue to treat of that busines for neither would he content them nor they him And their language being only to speake of our Blessed Lord as it is they neither vnderstand nor be vnderstood vnlesse the same language be spoken We keepe and obserue the Rule of our B. Ladie of Carmel and this entirely as it ought to be without anie manner of relaxation but iust as it was ordained by Albertus Patriarch of Ierusalem and confirmed by Pope Innocentius the Fourth in the Fifth yeare of his Pontificate and in the yeare of our Lord God 1248. So as now me thinkes all the troubles and vexations which haue been endured about this Busines will fall out to haue been very well employed And though the Rule be of some rigour for they neuer eate Flesh without necessitie and they Fast eight moneths in the yeare and obserue such other things also as may be seen in the Originall Rule yet most of the particulars seem to be of little difficultie to the Religious they obserue also other things which haue seemed necessarie to vs for the more exact performance of the sayd Rule And I hope in our Blessed Lord that this which is begunne will proceed and prosper according to what his Diuine Maiestie hath told me The other House which the Beata of whome I spake before procured to erect is now already made in Alcalà and there wanted not also oppositions and great afflictions and troubles to them who laboured in it I know that all Religious Obseruance is performed there according to the first Institution of this our Rule and I beseech our Blessed Lord that all may turne to his honour and praise and of the Glorious Virgin Marie whose Habit we weare Amen I well beleiue that your Reuerence will haue been wearyed with the long Relation which I I haue made you of this Monasterie which yet in some respect will fall-out to haue been but very short considering the manie afflictions which were endured and the great wonders which our Blessed Lord wrought therein whereof there are manie witnesses who can auerre them by Oath And now I beseech your Reuerence for the loue of our Lord that howsoeuer you may teare what you will of all the rest that I haue written your Reuerence will keepe safe what I send you heer concerning this Monasterie and that when I shall be dead you will deliuer it ouer to the Religious heer For it will greatly serue to animate such as shall succeed in the Seruice of Almightie God and to make them procure not to let that fall to the ground which is begunne and so to be still passing further and further on when they shall see how carefully his Diuine Maiestie blessed it in the erection thereof by meanes of so wicked and base a Creature as my self And since our Blessed Lord hath shewed in so particular a manner that he was resolued to fauour both the beginning and finishing of this Monasterie it seemes to me that they shall doe very ill and that they will be seuerely punished by Almightie God who shall endeauour at all to slacken the perfection of this Rule For heer our Blessed Lord hath already begunne so to assist and strengthen vs as that this kind of Crosse is carried with extraordinary suauity and is very well discerned to be tollerable enough and that
and I would also be very glad to see him and to thinke of him and to consider the good parts which I found in him and this was so preiudiciall a thing that it did my Soule a great deale of hurt But when once I was come to behold the great Beautie of our Blessed Lord I saw no Creature after that which might seeme passable in comparison of him nor who was able to take-vp my thought for one minute For by casting the eye of my consideration vpon that Image or Picture of him which is engrauen in my Soule I haue remained with so much Libertie of Minde in this respect that euerie thing which I haue seen since that time makes me readie almost to cast the gorge in comparison of the excellencies and ayre and grace which I discerned to abound in this Lord of mine Nor is there anie knowledge or comfort which I can at all esteem in comparison of that which growes by the hearing of one single word which proceeds out of that Diuine mouth of his and much more when I haue heard so manie and so often from him Nay I hold it to be a kind of impossible thing vnlesse our Lord should permit it in respect of my Sinnes that euer I can loose the memorie of this blessing or that anie Creature can euer so possesse me as that I shall not instantly be free by recouering the remembrance of this Lord. It hapned to me sometimes with some Ghostlie Fathers of mine for I alwaies loue them much who gouerne my Soule in regard that I take them truly as in the place of Almightie God himself and me thinkes it is euer there where I employ my affection most that esteeming my self to be in securitie with them I would be apt to shew them extraordinary ciuilityes whereas they on the other side as being great Seruants of Almightie God would be not only carefull but fearefull least I should fasten or tye my self too much to them though it should be in a most innocent manner and they would shew themselues euen to be displeased at it Now this grew in me after I had made my self subiect to be be directed and euen commanded by them for before I did not beare them so much loue But the while I confesse I would be laughing sometimes within my self to consider how extreamly they were deceaued though yet I would not alwaies be telling them so clearly how little I vsed to tye myself to anie Creature as I was sure of it in myself But yet I gaue them certaintie enough of it and when once they were growne to be more inward and more confident with me they came to know how particularly I was obliged to our Blessed Lord in that kind But these suspitions which they had of me were neuer wont to occurr but in the beginnings Besides there grew to be both more loue and more confidence between this Lord of mine and me after I had seen him as one with whome I was come to haue a kind of continuall conuersation I saw that though he were God he was also Man and that he did not wonder at our weaknes for he well knowes our miserable condition and composition which is subiect to take Falls of so manie kindes by that first Sinne of Adam which he was come to repaire Nay I see that although he be my Lord I may yet treat with him as with a Freind because he is not such a kind of Lord as we are wont to meet with in this world who pinne all the Lordlynesses which they haue vpon a certaine kind of changeable and remoueable demonstrations and who must giue but particular and set dayes for Audience and so the persons whome they will heare must be appointed and named And if perhaps anie poore Creature haue a busines there must be vse of labour and fauour and a walking in By-Wayes before it can be euer negotiated or concluded And if perhaps they haue anie thing to doe with the King himself alas poore folkes for they who touch not vpon the Caualier or great man must not so much as presume to approach but be content to aske who the Fauorites are And now they will certainly not fall out to be such as vse to tread the world vnder their feet because such persons as these are wont to speake reall truths for they neither feare anie thing nor owe anie thing nor in fine are anie part of the Pallace For there these things are not vsed but to dissemble whatsoeuer they dislike nay they scarce dare so much as thinke for feare least they should grow by it into lesse fauour O King of Glorie and Lord of all the Kings of this world how true is it that thy Kingdome is not guarded by Sticks and strawes since in it self it hath no end How true is it that there is no need of third persons to introduce vs to Audience with thee For by our verie seing thy selfe we instantly see withall that thou only dost indeed deserue to be called Lord So great is the Maiestie which thou shewest Nor is there heer anie need at all of Assembles and Guards in Court whereby thou maist be knowne to be King Whereas if anie Earthlie King were left alone he would hardly be knowne to be King and how much soeuer himself might desire it yet the people would haue difficultie to beleiue it For in himself he is no more then others are and therefore we must either see him so adorned and attended first or els we shall hardly belieiue afterward that he is the King And he hath therefore so much more reason to serue himself of these externall aduantages and helps for els they would not hold him in account because his seeming to be so powerfull depends not vpon the inward and innate dignitie of his Person but his State is deriued to him from others But O thou my Lord and my King that I were able now to represent that Maiestie which thou hast For it is impossible to forbeare to see that thou art the great Emperour of the whole world in thy self and that thy Maistie doth euen astonish the beholders But yet it puts me to more amazement O my Lord to see in companie thereof the great humilitie and loue which thou bearest to such a wretched Creature as my self For we may euer speake and treat with thee about all things euen as we will our selues when once we shall haue lost that first amazement and feare to see the Maiestie of thy Presence though yet then we shall haue more feare to offend thee then to see thee yea and yet euen that not so much for being O Lord afrayd of thy punishment for we doe not esteem that at all as in respect of the miserie which it is to loose thy verie self Behold heer the benefits of this Vision besides manie other great ones which it leaues in the Soule And if it be of Almightie God it makes it self be vnderstood by
for I confesse I vnderstand not this kind of language but because I haue been thinking that our Saints had antiently affirmed and taught that a Monasterie should be a kind of Court to instruct such persons as had a minde to make themselues Courtiers in the Kingdome of Heauen But now things are vnderstood in the direct contrarie way because they who should be continually employed in pleasing Almightie God and in procuring to abhorre the world must now forsooth be obliged to all attention and care in stead of pleasing God to please such as liue in the world yea and that in certaine things which are euerie day so subiect to change that I know not how our performances could passe vn-reproued yea though it were possible that all might be learned in one Lesson without anie losse at all of more time Yea and euen for the Titles which are expected vpon the Superscription of Letters it were now it seemes not to be vnfitt that there were some Doctours-Chaire erected as one may say where they might instruct and teach how such and such Titles were to be vsed For sometimes men leaue the Paper emptie on one side of the page of the Letter and sometimes on the other And now he who was not wont to be VVorshipfull must be called Honourable and I know not in fine where things will rest For I am not yet fiftie yeares old and yet I haue seen such changes in my time that I cannot tell now how to liue But then how will they who are now borne know how to carrie themselues if they chance to liue long I haue really great compassion of Spirituall persons who are obliged to liue in the world for certaine holie ends for I hold it to be a kind of terrible Crosse which they are faine to carrie euen in this respect If they could all come to agree in a tale and professe themselues to be ignorant and be content to be held for such in this kind of art or science they might free themselues from a great deale of trouble But now into what kind of fooleties haue I cast my self For by treating of the greatnesses of Almightie God I am growne by degrees to speake of the basenesses of the world And since our Lord hath done me the Fauour to make me able to leaue it I am resolued to goe out of it now at length Let them fitt themselues to it as they list who sustaine and hold-vp these toyes with so much trouble to themselues and I pray God that we may not pay dearly for them in the other world where there is no change to be found Amen THE EIGHT AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER VVherein she treats of some great Fauours vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her as vvell in acquainting her vvith certaine Secrets of Heauen as by giuing her other great Visions and Reuelations She declares also the effects vvhich they left in her Soule and the great benefits vvhich she obtained by them BEing so very ill at ease one night that I thought fitt to excuse my self from Prayer I tooke a Paire of Beades or Rosarie into my hand to employ my self Vocally by that meanes And I procured not to recollect my Vnderstanding in anie very serious manner though yet forasmuch as concerned my exteriour I was sufficiently recollected and in my Oratorie But when our Blessed Lord hath a minde to anie thing these diligences of ours to the contrarie are not wont to serue to anie great purpose For I remaining a while after this manner there came a Rapt of Spirit vpon me with such an excessiue impulse or impetuositie that there was no power in me to resist it It seemed to me that I was carried vp and placed in Heauen yea and the first persons whome I saw there were my Father and my Mother and I also saw some things besides so very great and all in so very short a space of time as wherein an Aue Maria might be sayd that I was amazed as conceauing that it was too very great a Fauour for me In this circumstance of the times haueing been so short I may perhaps be deceaued for it may haue been a little longer but at least it ranne speedily away and seemed short enough For my part I was in some feare of an Illusion but yet supposing that it should proue none I found my self in an extreame deale of shame with considering how I could euer be able to declare anie such thing as that to my Ghostlie Father Not yet in my opinion that I was to receaue trouble by it in respect of anie such thing as Humilitie in me but because I thought it likelie enough that he would make some ieast at it and say Lord what a kind of S. Paul or S. Ierome is this woeman growne that she forsooth must see things of Heauen yea and besides in regard that these Glorious Saints had participated and been admitted to such things as these I grew to be in so much the more feare of my self and really I did nothing but weepe bitterly in regard that in my opinion there was no apparance of reason at all that these things were to passe after this manner But yet howsoeuer in fine I resolued that I would goe to my Ghostlie Father notwithstanding all the auersion which I had and that I would acquaint him with all things for I neuer durst conceale anie thing from him through the very great feare wherein I was of being abused and deceiued Yet when he found me to be so greatly afflicted he did procure to comfort me much and told me of manie good things to free me from the paine wherein I was But afterward that which followes hapned to me and the same occurrs to me often For our Lord went shewing me yet greater Secrets I say he went shewing them to me for that a Soule should euer be able to see anie one iott more then is represented to her by our Lord is absolutly an impossible thing and for my part I neuer saw more then meerly what he was pleased to shew me at euerie seuerall time But that was so very much that the least part thereof sufficed to make me remaine all amazed and my Soule to be very much improued towards the vndervalue and dis-esteem of whatsoeuer thing might be in this world I would be extreamly glad if I could tell how to giue some little part of the least of that which I knew to be vnderstood but I find that it is wholy impossible For though this Light which we see heer and that Light which is represented there be all of it Light yet still there is so great a difference withall as that there is no manner of comparison For the claritie and brightnes euen of the verie Sunne it self is a thing of meane and poore apparance in respect of this In fine the verie Imagination of man how subtile and refined soeuer it may be is yet vnable to reach to the describing anie thing of
not ouershadow and euen hide thy greatnes who would euer presume to approach so often as we doe towards the ioyning of such wretched and filthie things as we are to so high a Maiestie as thine But Blessed be thou for euer my deare Lord and let the Angells vea and all Creatures praise and glorifye thy holie name who dost so measure and weigh things out togeather with our great weaknes as that we may be able to enioy those Soueraigne Fauours of thine without being frighted by thy infinit power though yet we be so miserable and vnworthie Creatures Me thinkes it might happen to vs heer as once it did to another and this I know to be true A certaine Labouring-man found a treasure and the same falling out to be greater then could get roome in his straight and narrow-hart he comeing to haue this treasure in his power grew withall to haue such a melancholie in his minde that he came by little and little to dye by the verie care and affliction of his thoughts for not knowing what he were best to doe with his treasure Whereas if he had not found it all togeather but that some one had giuen it him by little and little accommodating him and sustaining him by degrees the poore man would haue liued contented and it would neuer haue cost him his life O thou who art the riches of the poore and how admirably dost thou know how to sustaine Soules and how carefull art thou to shew them treasures by little and little and that they may not see too much at once when I see so great a Maiestie as thine dissembled as it were and disguised in so small a thing as the Sacred Hoast It is true that in these latter times and since I haue been partaker of these Visions I am euen in admiration at so great a wisdome nor doe I know how our Lord giues me strength and courage to approach it But if he who hath done me and doth me still so great Fauours did not gouerne mee also heerin it were not possible that I could dissemble the matter anie longer but must cry out and that alowd at the sight of so great wonders as these And what now is it then that so miserable a Creature and so loaden with abominations as I am and who haue spent my whole life in so little feare of Almightie God ought to find with all reason in her self to see that she approaches so great a Maiestie euen when he is pleased that my Soule should behold him with her very eyes How shall this mouth of mine which hath vttered so manie words against the Seruice of that verie Lord himself presume to touch that most Glorious Bodie of his so full of pietie and puritie since the loue which that Diuine Countenance of so much beautie suauitie and affabilitie discouers to vs doth more afflict and wound the Soule then doth euen that feare and terrour which is bred in vs by the consideration of his high Maiestie But what then should I feele in my self who haue seen all this whereof I speake two seuerall times I am really about to say O thou my deare Lord and the verie Glorie of my Soule that I haue in some kind done thee Seruice by the great afflictions which my Soule hath felt in her self and yet alas alas I can hardly tell euen what I say who am in effect writing this without knowing almost what I doe For I find that I am all troubled yea and halfe besides my self when I goe back to bring these things to my remembrance though I might seem to haue some little reason for what I say and that I had done some little thing for thy Seruice O my Lord my God But since I am not the owner of so much as one good thought if thou impart it not to mee there is nothing for which I can pretend to be thanked but I am still the debtour O my Lord and still thou art the partie offended Going one day to receaue the B. Sacrament I saw two Diuelis with the eyes of my Soule more clearly then if I had seen them with the eyes of my Bodie in a most abominable figure And me thought their hornes did encompasse the very throat of a certaine poore Preist and I saw also my Lord with that great Maiestie whereof I haue spoken placed in those hands of that Preist which he was going to minister to me with the same sinnefull hands of his for I vnderstood that Soule to be then in the state of Mortall Sinne. But now what kind of Obiect must it be to see thy Beautie O my Lord in the midst of so abominable figures Those Diuells were as all amazed and frighted in thy presence and willingly enough would haue been gone from thence if they could haue gotten thy leaue This gaue me such an excessiue trouble that I knew not how I should be able to Communicate through the great feare wherein I was as conceauing that if it had been a true Vision his Diuine Maiestie would neuer haue permitted that I should discerne the miserie wherein that poore Soule remained The same deare Lord of mine commanded me to pray for that Soule and told me that he had suffered what I had seen to the end that I might know of how great power and force the words of Consecration were and that Almightie God would not be kept from thence how wicked soeuer that Preist should be who pronounced them and to the end that I might also discerne his great goodnes in not forbearing to put himself into the hands euen of his greatest enemies for the good both of me and of all men And I also vnderstood thereby how much more Preists are obliged to be vertuous and good then other men and how terrible a thing it is to take the B. Sacrament vnworthily and how absolute a Lord the Diuel is of anie Soule which is in Mortall Sinne. In fine this passage did me a great deale of good and gaue me a most particular knowledge of the very great obligation wherein I was to Almightie God And let him be Blessed and praised for all eternitie Amen Another time I hapned to see another thing which amazed me extreamly I was in a certaine place where a certaine person dyed who had liued very ill and that manie yeares but during two of them he had been sick and in some things he also seemed to be reformed This man dyed without Confession but still it seemed to me that he was not to be damned though yet whilst men were shrowding him and preparing him for Buriall I saw manie Diuells possesse themselues of that Bodie and they seemed as it were to play with it and yet withall they vsed diuerse cruelties vpon it for they did with certaine great hookes both teare and tosse it from one to another and this struck me into a very great feare When afterward I saw him carried to be buried with all the ceremonie and
honour which is allowed to others I considered the goodnes of Almightie God in not permitting the Soule euen of that man to be defamed but that it might be concealed that he was an Enemie of his For my part I was euen turned halfe foole by what I had seen yet during all the performance of the Office of the Dead there was no more Diuel to be seen but when afterward they put the Bodie into the Graue there was such a multitude of them readie to receaue the Bodie that I was euen out of my self with beholding it and it was no little courage which I needed for enabling me to dissemble the seeing it And I considered how those Diuels were likelie to treat that Soule when they exercised such an absolute dominion euen ouer that woefull Bodie And I would to Christ that what I saw had also been seen by such as are in Mortall Sinne for me thinkes it must haue been of much effect and force towards a making them mend their liues Now all this obliged mee to know more and more what I owed to Almightie God and from what he had deliuered my Soule But yet I went on with feare enough till I had imparted these particulars to my Ghostlie Father as conceauing that perhaps it might haue been some Illusion of the Diuel whereby to defame that Soule though yet the man had not been held to be of very good life But yet it is verie true that whether it were an Illusion or no I am sure I neuer remember it but it makes me afrayd And now since I haue begunne to speake of Visions which haue relation to some such persons as are dead I will also declare some things concerning some other kind of Soules which our Lord hath been pleased that I should see But I will speake only of few both to be the shorter and because it will not be necessarie to say much in order to the receauing of benefit thereby They told me once that a certaine man was dead who had been Prouinciall of his Order but when he dyed he was Prouinciall of another Prouince Now I had communicated much with this man and had been obliged to him for some good offices which he had done me This man was of much many vertues but yet when I came to know that he was dead I was greatly troubled at it because I was in feare and doubt of his Saluation in regard that he had been a Prelate or Superiour twentie yeares which really is a thing that I am apt to feare as holding it to be a matter of much danger to haue charge of Soules And so I went with trouble enough to an Oratorie and gaue him all that little good which I had euer done in my whole life which yet was little enough and I humbly besought out Blessed Lord that he would supply out of his infinit merits for as much as that Soule might wat towards the freeing it self out of Purgatorie And whilst I was begging this Boone of our Blessed Lord in the best manner I could me thought he rose as from some deep part out of the earth on my right side and so I saw him mount-vp to Heauen with very great ioy The man was very old before he dyed but yet now he seemed to me to be but of thirtie yeares old or rather somewhat lesse but with much brightnes in his face This Vision passed away very speedily but yet I was so extreamly comforted by it that the death of that man did put mee now to no more paine though I had troubled manie others about him for he was very well beloued And thus also the comfort of my Soule being so great I could not possibly doubt but that the Vision was true and no illusion This hapned but fifteen dayes after his death but still I was not slack in procuring that he might be recommended to Almightie God saue that I could not doe it so hartily as before I saw this Vision For when our Lord shewes me such things and that yet I will pray for them afterward I cannot choose but conceaue that it is as if I gaue an Almes to a rich man But now I came to vnderstand afterward for the man dyed very farre off that the death which our Lord granted him was of so great comfort to him by the knowledge of himself and by the humilitie which he expressed that it was of very great edification Now a certaine Religious Woeman dyed at home with vs about a day and a halfe before that occurred whereof I am going to speake but she had been a good Seruant of Almightie God And another Religious Woeman reading one of those Lessons which belong to the Office of the Dead which was recited in the Quire for her Soule it was my turne to stand by and assist in repeating the Versiâ—â—e but in the midst of the Lesson me thought I saw the Soule rise vp as the other did and so went to Heauen Now this was no Imaginarie Vision like the last but like others which I recounted before Yet these be no lesse certaine then those others are There was also another Religious Woeman of between eighteen and twentie yeares old who dyed at home in our House Now she had been alwaies sicklie and a great Seruant of God and very diligent in the Quire and in fine a very vertuous woeman and really I was apt to thinke that she should not haue gone to Purgatorie at all but rather that there would haue been supernumerarie merits in regard of the manie sicknesses which she had endured But yet when we were reciting the Office before she was buryed and some foure howers after she dyed I vnderstood that her Soule sprung vp out of the same place and went to Heauen Being one day in a Colledge of the Societie of IESVS with those great afflictions and troubles which I haue declared my selfe sometimes to haue had and still haue both in Bodie and Soule I found my self to be in such condition that me thought I was not able so much as to entertaine one good thought There dyed that night a Brother of the Societie of that House and I recommending him the best I could to Almightie God and being at the Masse of another Father of the Societie for his Soule I was seazed by a very great Recollection and I saw him goe-vp to Heauen with much glorie yea and I vnderstood that our Blessed Lord himself did accompanie him by way of particular fauour A Religious man of our Order who was a very good man was falne very dangerously sick And I being then at Masse grew to be in very great Recollection and saw that the man was dead and that he went instantly to Heauen without touching vpon Purgatorie at all and he dyed in that verie hower as I was told afterward Now I wondred that he had neuer entred into Purgatorie but I vnderstood that he hauing been a Religious man and hauing well obserued the
And I beleiue it had been more then a moneth wherein I did almost nothing els but begg of Almightie God that he would bring this Soule back to himself And being in Prayer one day I saw a Diuel hard by me with certaine papers in his hand which he was tearing and he seemed to be in a very great rage But this put me into much comfort because I conceiued thereby that my Suite was granted and so it was as I came to know afterward For the Partie had been at Confession and had done it with great Contrition and he returned in so very good earnest to Almightie God that I hope in his Diuine Maiestie he will euer goe aduancing in his Seruice And let him be Blessed for euer Amen In this particular of procuring our Blessed Lord to bring Soules out of greiuous Sinnes vpon my humble suite and of others who were brought manie times to more perfection and of freing Soules also out of Purgatorie and of doing other things also of great importance the Fauours of our Blessed Lord haue been so great that I should both wearie my self and my Reader if I would pretend to relate them And these things haue hapned oftner to me for the benefit of Soules then of Bodies and this is so very well knowne that it hath manie witnesses But then instantly there grew a kind of Scruple vpon me since I could not choose but beleiue that our Lord was pleased to doe diuerse things through my Prayer for in this case and at this time I abstract from his goodnes and mercye which is euer the cheif cause of all things but for the rest these are now so manie particulars and so well knowne by others that I haue no difficulty at all to beleiue them and I blesse his Diuine Maiestie for the same and they put me to great confusion because I still find my self to be more and more a debtour But that consideration makes my desire to serue him encrease and reviues my loue And which yet amazes me more those things which our Lord findes not to be conuenient I can scarce begg of his Diuine Maiestie euen almost although I would and if I doe it is with so little strength and spirit and care that although I would faine force my self yet it is euen impossible for me to doe it in these as I doe it in those others which his Diuine Maiestie hath a minde to effect for such I see I am able to begg often and that with great importunitie and though I carrie not the particular care of them about me yet me thinkes they come before me of themselues So that the difference between these two wayes of asking is so very great as I am not able to declare For though I aske in one of these kinds of things wherein I forbeare not to vrge my self to begg them of our Lord howsoeuer I feele not that kind of feruour in my self which I doe in those other and though they chance to import mine owne particular very much yet is it in effect but as when a man chances to be toung-tyed who although he would faine speake yet he cannot doe it and if he speake it is but in such sort as that he sees it cannot be vnderstood whereas the other is as when a man speakes cleare and plaine to a man whome he findes very willing to heare him Or els let vs say that one of those Fauours is begged as by a Vocall Prayer and the other as in a way of Contemplation which is so very sublime that our Lord represents himself in such sort as that we vnderstand that he vnderstands vs and that his Diuine Maiestie is ioyed to see that we begg anie thing of him that so he may doe vs fauour Blessed be he for euer who giues vs so much and to whome I giue so little For what O my Lord doth anie man who doth not euen defeate himself wholy for thee and yet hovv much hovv much hovv much and a thousand times more I might say hovv much am I wanting heerin And now vpon this reason I should not so much as once desire euen to liue though yet I haue other reasons also not to desire it because I liue not according to my obligation towards thee Nay how full doe I see myself of imperfections and with what faintnes and basenes doe I serue thee And really me thinkes sometimes I wish that I were euen depriued of sense that so I might not vnderstand so very much ill of my self as I doe Yet I beseech him to redresse it all who knowes so well how to doe it But I remember I spake before of my being in the House of a certaine great Ladie where I assure you folkes had good reason to haue their witts well about them and alwaies to be considering the vanitie which worldlie things carrie with them For she was a person very much esteemed and very much praised and there were temptations enow towards lesse perfection through much distraction whereby one might easily haue been shrewdly taken if I had looked vpon nothing but my self But he who iudgeth rightly and lookes vpon vs with true sight indeed was carefull not to giue ouer the keeping me euer safe in his hands And now when I am speaking of hauing a true and reall sight of things I remember and consider the great trouble which anie such person as whome it hath pleased Almightie God to endue with a knowledge of that which indeed is Truth must needs be put to when he is forced to treat with others about things which concerne this transitorie and troublesome world where all in fine is much disguised and masked as our Lord himself told me once But in the meane time manie of those things which I write heer are by no meanes of mine owne head but they haue been told me by that Heauenlie Maister of mine And because in all those things which I am wont to affirme after a direct and positiue manner I vse to expresse my self by these words This I vnderstood or els Our Lord told me this I find my self with a very great scruple of either adding or anie way altering so much as anie one syllable thereof And so whensoeuer I doe not most expresly remember euerie circumstance of anie thing of this kind which is to be related by me I am wont to deliuer that alwaies as in mine owne name Or els because sometimes they proceed from mine owne particular dictamens I vse not to call anie thing mine which is good in itself because indeed I am farre enough from being ignorant that anie such thing as is in me is good but I affirme only those things as in mine owne name and they are deliuered as by my self which did not come into my vnderstanding and knowledge by way of Reuelation But O my deare Lord and my God! and how often doth it happen to vs heer that euen in the most spirituall occasions we are resolued manie
there And now by meanes of this consideration my Soule beganne to be so much more inflamed that my Spirit grew to be in Rapt and so as that I know not how to expresse it For me thought I was put and plunged into that Maiestie which I had formerly vnderstood but yet so as that I know not how to declare it In this Maiestie a certaine Truth was giuen me to be vnderstood which indeed is the accomplishment of all Truth but yet still I know not how to relate it For I saw nothing at all distinctly but they told me these words though yet I saw not who spake them only I knew that it was the verie Truth This vvhich I doe for thee is no small matter but rather it is a thing for vvhich thou ovvest me much because one of the mischeifs vvhich grovves to the vvorld proceeds from not knovving the Truths of Scripture vvith cleare truth but one tittle thereof shall not faile Now as for me I conceaued that my self had alwaies beleiued this yea and that all Catholiques had also beleiued it But then he sayd to me againe Alas my Daughter there be fevv vvho loue me according to Truth for if they did I vvould not conceale my secrets from them But dost thou knovv vvhat it is to loue me according to Truth It is to knovv that all is a Lye vvhich is not acceptable to me Thou shalt be able to see this clearly vvhich novv thou dost not vnderstand by the profit vvhich thy Soule shall get And so accordingly I haue seen it performed our Lord be euer praised for it For all things which are not addressed to the seruice of Almightie God doe of late seem to me so hugely to be vanitie and a lye that I am no way able to expresse how much I vnderstand thereof And it moues me to deep compassion to see men liue in so great obscuritie and ignorance as they are in of thy Truth but by this meanes I haue benefited my self in manie kindes whereof I will heer relate some and some I shall not be able to relate But our Lord sayd one word to me heer in particular with very great fauour though I know not also how this was For I saw nothing but I remained in such sort after it as I know not also how to declare euen that Only I am sure I remained by this meanes with a very great kind of fortitude and firme purpose of accomplishing euen the least part of Holie Scripture with the vttermost of all my power And nothing me thinkes could offer it self to me through which I would not passe for the making this good There remained also a truth of this Diuine Truth which was now represented to me though yet still I know not how so deeply engrauen in my hart that it made me carrie a new kind of profound reuerence to Almightie God For it imparts a notice of his high Maiestie and great Power after such a manner as cannot be described but I can only vnderstand that it is a mightie kind of thing I now remained also with a very great desire neuer to speake at all but of things which were substantially true and which might iustly take precedence of all that which vses to be treated of in this world And so I then began to find it paine enough euen to liue in it This Vision left me with a Regalo of great tendernes and with humilitie also It seemed to me that our Blessed Lord did giue me to vnderstand much in this vision though yet without my vnderstanding the manner of it but at least I was satisfyed well enough that it was no Illusion I saw nothing but yet I vnderstood the great benefit which there is in not making account of anie thing which brings vs not neerer to Almightie God and so I came to vnderstand what kind of thing it is for a Soule to walke in Truth in the presence of the same Truth That which I vnderstood is that our Lord gaue me to vnderstand That he is verie Truth it self And all these things at which I haue now pointed heer I vnderstood sometimes by their being spoken to me and at other times without speech but yet some of this latter sort with more clearnes then those others which were imparted to me by words I vnderstood very great truths of this Truth and better then if manie learned men had taught me and at least it seemes to me that they could by no meanes haue so imprinted them in my minde nor so clearly haue giuen me to vnderstand the vanitie of this world This Truth which I say was giuen me to be vnderstood is verie Truth in it self and it is both without beginning and without end and all other Truths depend vpon this Truth and all other Loues vpon this Loue and all other Greatnesses vpon this Greatnes though yet all this be deliuered by me with much obscuritie in comparison of that clearnes wherewith our Blessed Lord was pleased to impart it And how very well doth this become the great power of that Maiestie to leaue such things as these imprinted vpon the Soule whereby such aduantages are obtained and that in so short a time O Greatnes and Maiestie of my Omnipotent Lord What is it which thou art doing Consider who it is to whome thou art vouchsafing such Soueraigne Fauours Dost thou not remember how this Soule hath been a verie Abysse of Lyes and euen a deep Sea of vanities and all this through faults of mine owne For notwithstanding that thou gauest me an inclination which naturally did abhorre lying yet I made my self apt to treat in manie things after a deceiptfull kind of manner How art thou able O my God euen to endure me and how can so great goodnes of thine be shewed to one who hath so ill deserued it and how can so much Sinne against thee be compatible with such Fauours as these Being once reciting the Howers of the Diuine Office with all the rest of the Religious my Soule beganne to be suddainly recollected and it seemed to me that it was like some cleare and pure Looking-Glasse without hauing anie thing either on the back or on the sides or yet either aboue or below which was not all extreamly cleare And in the very Center thereof Christ our Lord was represented to me iust so as I am accustomed to see him It seemed to me that I saw him clearly in all the parts and portions of my Soule as in a Looking-Glasse and so also though I know not how our Blessed Lord himself was engrauen therein with such a certaine kind of enamoured communion or communication of himself as I cannot possibly expresse Only I know that this Vision hath been of very great benefit to me and is so whensoeuer I remember it and especially after I receaue the B. Sacrament But it was giuen me heerby to vnderstand that the being of a Soule in Mortall Sinne is to make this Glasse be couered
with a great Clowde and so to become very darke and that so though our Blessed Lord be euer present with vs yea so very present as that he giues vs our verie Being thereby yet then he is not so represented as to be seen by vs And that when the Case concernes Heretiques the Looking-Glasse is directly broken which is farre worse then to be obscured But now there is a very great deale of difference between my seeing it and my relating it for it is no easie thing to giue it well to be vnderstood Yet this hath done me a great deale of good and hath affected me with much pittie and greif for those times wherein my self did obscure my Soule in such sort as that I was not able to behold and see this Blessed Lord of mine It seemes also to me that this kind of Vision is very vsefull to persons who are of much recollection to teach them a way of thinking of our Blessed Lord as in the most interiour part of their Soules which is a consideration that will stick closest to then and will be of much more benefit then if they were considered as anie way our of the Soule according to what I haue sayd els where and it is contained also in some Bookes which are written of Prayer about the way how wee are to seeke Almighty God In particular the Glorious S. Augustin speakes much of how Almightie God is not to be sought either in pleasures or externall places and that he could be no way found so well as in our selues and this is certainly the best way nor haue we need to goe further off then to our verie selues and much lesse to clime-vp as high as Heauen for this purpose for this will but distract the Soule and wearie the Spirit and doe vs nothing neer so much good I will also giue an aduertisment heer to the end that if anie bodie haue anie such thing as that he may know the better how to carrie himself It happens in some very great Rapts when the time is past wherein the Soule remaines in Vnion and when all the Faculties and Powers thereof are absorpt and which lasts as I haue sayd but a little while that the Soule remaines recollected and is not able in the exteriour way to returne to it self but those two Powers and Faculties namely the Vnderstanding and Memorie remaine as with a kind of frensie in great disorder This I say happens sometimes and especially with Beginners And I haue been thinking whether it may not proceed from this That our condition is naturally very weake and not able to admit and endure so great a strength of Spirit and that the Imagination is weakned also much and I know that this happens to some Now for my part I am apt to thinke that it were not ill to oblige them in such cases as this to leaue-off their Prayer for that time and to goe recouering that afterward which they loose then that so all come not on togeather for it may chance proue an occasion of much inconuenience And of this we haue experience and that it will fall out to be of better proofe to consider very well how much our state of health and strength is able to endure But in all things there will be need of good experience and of a good Directour for when once the Soule is growne to be in these tearmes manie things will come to offer themselues wherein there will be need enough of some bodie with whome it may be fitt to consider them And if anie such man can not be found when he is sought our Blessed Lord himselfe will not be wanting to him since he would not be wanting to me I being the wicked Creature I am For I beleiue there are very few who are come to haue experience of so manie things and if there be not experience it is in vaine to thinke of anie remedie which will not rather serue to disquiet and afflict the Soule But the best is that our Blessed Lord will take euen that trouble of ours in account for some satisfaction of himself and therefore it will fall-out to be better done to conferr thereof as I haue formerly sayd and so will it also be to proceed after this manner in all those things whereof I am speaking now For I see that this imports very much especially if they be woemen who are concerned and that they doe it with their Ghostlie Father and that he also be such as is fitt At least there vse to be more woemen then men to whome our Lord imparts these Fauours and this I vnderstood first from the holie man Fray Pedro de Alcantara and I haue also seen my self that they proceeded and profited more in this way of Spirit then men doe But he gaue excellent reasons for his opinion which need not be inserted heer for they all are in fauour of woemen Being one day in Prayer there was suddainly represented to me but it was without my seeing anie thing formed and yet it was with a very extraordinarie kind of claritie how all things are seen in Almightie God and how he hath them all in himself To know how to set this downe is in no power of mine but it remained deeply imprinted in my Soule and it was one of the greatest Fauours that euer had been done me by our Blessed Lord yea and of those also which put me to greatest confusion shame when I considered the manie sinnes which I had committed against him I well beleiue that if our Blessed Lord had been pleased to let me see this Vision at some other time of my life or if they could see him now who are sinning against him they would neuer haue the hart and courage to doe as they doe It appeared to me as I sayd but yet so as that I cannot expresly affirme that I saw anie thing distinctly but yet somewhat me thinkes must needs haue been seen by me since I am able to make this verie comparison but that it fell out to be signifyed by so delicate and subtile a way as that the vnderstanding is not able to reach it or els that I haue no skill of all those kinds of Visions which seem not to be Imaginarie but yet in some of these I verily thinke that perhaps there may be somewhat of the Imaginarie or formed apparance and that only the Powers of the Soule being then in Rapt they are not able afterward to assigne anie Forme in what manner our Lord represents himself to them there and how he is pleased that they shall enioy him But yet supposing it to be the Diuinitie in the forme of some bright Diamond which were bigger then the whole world or els of some Looking-Glasse after the manner of what I sayd before concerning the Soule in that other Vision saue that this is in so superiour a kind of manner that I am not able to expresse it and that all that which we doe is seen
in this Diamond it being such as that all things are shut-vp in it because there is nothing which can get out of that greatnes it was a thing extreamly to amaze me to be able to see in so very short a time so manie things togeather in this bright Diamond And so was it also matter of extreame compassion and greif for me euerie time that I remember my self to haue seen that things so very vglie and fowle as my sinnes were should be representted and shewed in that so clearnes of light And the truth is that whensoeuer I remember it I know not how it comes to be possible for me to endure it and I did really then remaine so extreamly out of countenance and ashamed that me thinkes I could not tell where to hide my head O that some Creature or other were able to giue this Truth to be well vnderstood by these people who commit dishonest filthie sinnes that so they might come to know that they are not secret and that Almightie God hath reason to be very sensible of those wrongs since they are acted so truly in the presence of his Diuine Maiestie and that we carrie our selues with so base irreuerence before him I saw heer also how iustly Hell is deserued for anie one Mortall Sinne because it is past our power to vnderstand what a most greiuous crime it is to commit it in the presence of so great a Maiestie and what an vnspeakable distance and dissimilitude is found between that which he is and that which our Sinnes are and how it appeares euen heerby so much the better how great his mercie is since notwithstanding he knowes all this he yet endures vs. It hath also made me consider that if such a Vision as this can leaue the Soule so extreamly astonished and amazed what kind of thing will the Day of Iudgement proue to be when this Maiestie of Almightie God will shew it self with all clearnes and so we shall also clearly see what kind of things our sinnes were which we committed against him O my deare God! what blindnes is this which hath seazed me And I haue often been amazed euen whilst I haue been writing this and your Reuerence need be amazed at nothing but how I am able euen to liue whilst I am looking both vpon these things and my self But let him be eternally blessed who hath vouchsafed to endure such things at my hands Being once in Prayer in very great recollection and with much quietnes and sweetnes me thought I was all emcompassed with Angells and very neer to Almightie God and I beganne to be an humble Suiter to his Diuine Maiestie for the benefit and aduantage of his Church And he gaue me to vnderstand the much good which a certaine Order should doe the world in these latter times and the great courage wherewith the Members thereof should defend and vphold the Catholique Faith Being once in Prayer neer the Blessed Sacrament there appeared to me a certaine Saint whose Order was in some decay He had a great Booke in his hands which he opened and willed me to read certains Letters in it which were very legible and large and they sayd thus In future times this Order shall flourish and haue manie Martyrs Another time being at Matins in the Quire six or seauen persons were represented and set before me and I held them to be of the same Order and they had Swords in their hands And I conceaue that I was giuen thereby to vnderstand that they should defend the Faith For being in Prayer another time and rapt in Spirit me thought I was in a very spauous feild where manie were who fought and they of this Order did also fight with great feruour They had their faces beautifull and much inflamed and they beate multitudes of men downe to the ground and killed others This battaile seemed to be giuen against Heretiques I haue seen this Glorious Saint diuerse times and he hath told me some things and giuen me thankes for the Prayers which I make for his Order and he hath promised that he will recommend me to our Blessed Lord. I specifye not the seuerall Orders heer least some should be offended at it and if our Lord shall thinke it conuenient he may declare them But euerie Order should procure and so should euerie particular man of euerie Order that in so great a necessitie as that wherein the Church is at this time they might be able to serue her For happie are those liues which may come to loose themselues vpon this occasion A certaine person desired me once to beg of Almightie God that I might vnderstand whether or no it would be for the Seruice of his Diuine Maiestie that he should take a Bishoprick I did so and our Lord made me this answer after I had Communicated VVhen he shall vnderstand vvith all clearnes and truth that true Dominion consists in possessing nothing he may take it then Giuing thereby to vnderstand that whosoeuer is to be a Prelate must be very farre from so much as desiring it and yet further from procuring it These Fauours and manie other also haue been and are still very ordinarily shewed by our Blessed Lord to this sinnefull Woeman which me thinkes are not very necesarie to be related since by those which are deliuered already my Soule togeather with the Spirit which our Lord hath giuen me may be vnderstood But let him be euer blessed who hath had so much care of me He told me once by way of comforting me that I must not afflict my self and this he did with most tender loue for that in this life of ours we could not possibly be alwaies after the same manner but that sometimes I would be in feruour and sometimes without it Sometimes with vnquietnes and temptations and Sometimes without them and in peace but that I must hope in him and feare nothing Being one day in thought and doubt whether it were not a kind of being tyed to Creatures to be glad to be with such persons as with whome I treat the busines of my Soule and to loue both them and others also whome I find to be the Seruants of Almightie God and to receaue comfort by being with them he told me that if when a man is dangerously sick the presence of a Phisitian seemes euen to restore him to health it would not be a vertue to forbeare to be glad of him and to loue him And what sayd he wouldst thou haue done if it had not been for such as they That he disliked not that conuersation should be held with such as were good but that my words must euer be well considered and holie and that so it would be rather profitable to me then hurtfull not to giue-ouer communication with them Now this imparted a particular comfort to me for sometimes it would seem to be a hauing too great a tye vpon creatures which made me once incline to giue-ouer the custome
I had to conuerse with them But our Lord did euer counsaile me in all things yea so farre as euen to tell me how I should carrie my self towards weake persons and some others also and he neuer layes the care of me aside But I am much troubled to find that I am good for so little in his Seruice as also that I can doe the lesse through my spending more time then I wiâ—h vpon so weake and wasted a bodie as mine is As I was once in Prayer and the hower of our going to rest came on I found my self in a great deale of paine and knowing that my ordinarie Vomits would ariue and obserueing my self to be so tyed-vp to these cares and the Spirit on the other side desiting to haue some time for it self I grew to be euen so tired that I beganne to be greatly afflicted and to weepe much and that happens very often to me And this condition puts me to such a kind of anger that me thinkes I doe in those times euen abhorre my self though yet it be true withall that I doe not abhorre my self indeed nor yet am wanting in what is necessarie for me and I rather pray God that I take not more care of my self then I should and so I feare I doe But now whilst I was in this greif our Lord appeared to me and regaled me very much and told me that I must endure these troubles and goe-through with them for loue of him and That my Life vvas necessarie yet And so me thinkes I neuer see my self in anie very great paine which I value since I resolued to serue this Lord and Comforter of mine with all my power For though he permitted me to suffer a little yet would he still be assisting me so withall that I esteem not my selfe to doe much in desiring to suffer afflictions for his sake So that now me thinkes there is no reason why we should euen desire so much as to liue but only to the end that we might suffer and accordingly this is the thing which I begg with most affection of Almightie God And sometimes I am saying to him with my whole hart O Lord let me either suffer or dye for I begg no other thing of thee for my self And now it vses to comfort me to heare the Clock strike for so me thinkes I am growne a little neerer to the seeing of God though it be but a little because one hower more of my life is past At other times I find my self in such sort that I neither take much pleasure in liuing nor yet me thinkes haue anie great minde to dye and so in the meane time I remaine with a kind of stupiditie and darknes of minde in all things and manie times I also haue some troubles And since our Lord was pleased that those Fauours should be publiquely knowne which his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafed to shew me as he himself had told me some yeares agoe that they should be which gaue me vexation enough and it is not a little that I haue endured therein as your Reuerence knowes for euerie bodie will vnderstand things as he listes I comfort my self yet with this that it hath not ariued by my fault because I neuer spake of anie such thing but either to my Ghostlie Fathers or others who I knew euen by them had vnderstood thereof For of this I was very warie euen to extremitie though yet perhaps I abstained not so much for respect of humilitie as in regard that I had paine enough to tell euen my Ghostlie Father thereof and therefore how much lesse would I impart things of this nature to others But now I earnestly desire that Almightie God may receaue glorie by it howsoeuer there be some who murmure at me very much vpon this occasion though euen yet I thinke they may peraduenture doe it with good zeale And there are others who are afrayd euen to treat with me in anie kind yea and euen to receaue the Confession of my Sinnes and others say also other things But how soeuer since I vnderstand that it hath pleased our Blessed Lord to reduce manie Soules by this meanes and because I see clearly and remember continually how much himself would be pleased to endure for the gaining of one Soule I allow my self to take little trouble for anie thing which men can say of me And I know not whether or no this may not haue been a part of the cause why his Diuine Maiestie hath placed me in this little Corner of the world where I am so shut vp and where I thought there would be no more memorie of me then of a thing which was dead But their forgerfulnes was not so great as I wished and so I haue been constrained to speake sometimes with some persons Yet howsoeuer I am not now where the world may easily see me for it seemes that our Lord hath been pleased to driue me from Sea to this Port and I trust in his Diuine Maiestie that it will proue a very safe one for me And since now I am out of the world and find my self in the companie of few but they holie Creatures I looke downe vpon the world as from a place which is very high and so it is growne to be of little moment with me what they below doe either say or thinke And I would make much more account to vnderstand that anie one Soule should haue profited to the weight of one little graine in God's Seruice by my meanes then of all which can be sayd of me in anie kind For since I haue found my self in this place our Lord hath been gratiously pleased that all the desires of my hart might haue no other ayme but this And he hath also giuen me euen a kind of sleep in this life which makes me find that whatsoeuer I see is but dreaming nor am I able to say that I reape either much contentment or trouble by anie thing of this world And if yet some things giue me anie it passes away with so very great speed that I euen wonder at it and it makes but iust such a kind of impression vpon me as a thing would doe whereof I had dreamt And it is a most perfect truth that although I should afterward haue a peice of a minde either to be glad of anie contentment or to be sorrie for anie mis-accident and trouble it is really no more now in my power but iust so as anie man who were discreet would take either trouble or ioy from a dreame of his owne For now our Blessed Lord hath already been pleased to awake and open the eyes of my Soule from out of that follie wherein it was And whereas by my not being mortifyed nor dead to the things of this world I was wont to haue much feeling of such things as hapned his Diuine Maiestie is pleased now that I should loose my true sight no more In this sort Sir doe I liue now and I
had begunne to obey She also declares for hovv little purpose it serued to resist the Fauours of Almighty God and hovv his Diuine Maiestie vvent daily imparting them to her after a more compleat manner CHAP. 25. She treates heer of the vvay and manner of vnderstanding those vvords or Speeches vvhich Almighty God is pleased to vtter to the Soule though yet vvithout hearing any voyce or sound and of some errours or abuses vvhich may happen heerin and hovv the right may be knovvne from the vvrong It is of much vse and profit for such as see themselues in this degree of Prayer for it is declared very vvell and the Doctrine containes great instruction 26. CHAP. She prosecutes the same Discourse and goes relating and declareing such things as happened to her vvhich made her to loose feare and to be strengthned in a beleife that it vvas a good spirit vvhich spake to her 27. CHAP. She treates of another vvay hovv our Lord instructs a Soule and giues her to vnderstand his vvill after a very admirable manner vvithout any Speech at all She also declares a certaine Vision and great Fauour vvhich our Lord shevved her and this Vision vvas not Imaginarie This Chaepter is very much to be noted 28. CHAP. She treates of the great Fauours vvhich our Lord did her and hovv he appeared to her the first time She declares that it vvas a Vision vvhich shevved it selfe by vvay of the Imagination and discouers the great effects and testimonyes vvhich such things leaue in the Soule vvhen they are of Almighty God This Chapter is of great instruction and deserues to be noted much 29. CHAP. She prosecutes the Discourse vvhich she had begunne and relates some high Fauours vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her and vvhat his Diuine Maiestie did futher for the securing and encourageing her minde and for the enabling her to ansvver her Contradictours 30. CHAP. She returnes to recount the course of her life and hovv our Lord gaue remedye to many of her troubles by bringing that Holy man Fray Pedro de Alcantara of the Order of the Glorious S. Francis to the place vvhere she vvas And she declares the great temptations and invvard troubles vvhich sometimes she endured 31 CHAP. She treates of certaine exteriour temptations and representations of the Deuill and of the torments vvhich he gaue her She speakes also of other things vvhich are very fitt for the aduise and instruction of such persons as are vvalking on in the vvay of Perfection 32. CHAP. She treates hovv it pleased our Lord to put her in Spirit into a place of Hell vvhich she said she had deserued for her Sinnes She relates vvhat vvas represented to her there vvhich vvas but a kind of shaddovv of such things as are suffered in that place She beginnes also to declare the vvay and manner hovv that Monastery vvas founded in Auila vnder the name of S. Ioseph 33. CHAP. She proceeds in the same Subiect of the Foundation of the Monastery of the Glorious S. Ioseph She declares hovv she vvas commanded to attend to that busines and of the time vvhen she forbore to follovv it and of some troubles vvhich she had and hovv she vvas comforted in them by our Blessed Lord. CHAP. 34. She declares hovv at this time she vvas necessarily to goe from that place and she shevves the cause thereof and hovv her Superiour commanded her to goe for the comfort of a certaine Lady vvho vvas much afflicted She beginns to treat of that vvhich hapened to her there and of the great Fauour vvhich it pleased our Lord to doe by her meanes in stirring-vp a very principall person to doe him very great Seruice and hovv aftervvard she receiued much Fauour and protection from him This is an admirable Discourse and very much to be noted 35. CHAP. She prosecutes the same Subiect about the Foundation of this Hovvse of our Glorious Father S. Ioseph She speakes of the Degrees by vvhich our Lord came to appoint that holy Pouertie should be ordained there and of the cause vvhy she came from that Lady vvith vvhome she vvas and of other things also vvhich succeeded 36. CHAP. She prosecutes the Subiect vvhich she had begunn and declares the finall conclusion of this Monastery of the Glorious S. Ioseph of Auila and of the great contradictions and persecutions vvhich the Religious vvoemen vvere put to suffer euen after they had taken the Habit and of the many troubles and temptations vvhich she vvas faine to vndergoe and hovv his Diuine Maiestie drevv her out of all vvith victorie to his ovvne praise and glorie 37. CHAP. She treates of the effects vvhich vsed to remaine in her Soule vvhen our Lord had done her any Fauour and she accompanies this Discourse vvith very profitable Doctrine She declares also hovv vvee are to procure and greatly esteem the gaining of one degree of glory more and hovv vvee must not for any trouble or paines forsake those benefitts blessings vvhich are euerlasting 38. CHAP. She treates of some great Fauours vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her as vvell in acquainting her vvith certaine Secrets of Heauen as by giueing her other great Visions and Reuelations She declares also the effects vvhich they left in her Soule and the great benefitts vvhich she obtained by them 39. CHAP. She proceeds in the same Subiect of shevving the great Fauours vvhich our Lord had done her And she declares hovv he vvas pleased to promise his Fauour to them for vvhome she should begg it and she relates some important particulars vvherein his Diuine Maiestie had done her extraordinary Fauours of this kind 40. CHAP. She proceeds in the same Discourse by relating the great Fauours vvhich our Lord shevved her vvhereby good instruction is to be gotten And vvith the end of this Chapter she ends also the Discourse of her Life 41. A Letter vvritten by the GLORIOVS S. TERESA vvhich she sent together vvith the Booke to her Ghostly Father APPROBATIO HAec vita S. Teresae primùm Hispanico sermone à se conscripta postea taliter edita nunc verò felicissimè Anglicè reddita per Ill m virum M. T. iussu R mi Antuerpiensis à me attentè perlecta fuit in eadem nihil dum reperi vel contra fidem vel quod possit meo iudicio pias Christianas aures offendere imò cùm amorē eius seraphicum vndique lucentem ac inflammantem Lector experiatur censeo dignissimam vt in communem etiam Catholicorum Anglorum vtilitatem imprimatur Antuerpiae 5. Augusti M. DC XLII RICHARDVS WAKE I. V. L. Cap. 4. Cap. 5. Cap. 2. Cap. 8. Cap. 7. Cap. 6. Cap. 22. * Note this great most certaine Truth a Many vse to repeat the Creed in the presence and as in the person of such as are neer expiring by vvay of fortefying thē at that time against the temptations of the Diuell b VVhen persons are neer expiring attendants vse to be very
neer them vvith hallovved Candles * An excellent Aduise Take heed of this great danger * Consider this point much and often * Note this good Conclusion vpon the Praemises * Note this very vvell for nothing imports more thē this * A great and gross errour * A point of very great importance * Note * This vvas the beginning of many great blessings * Her entrance into the receaueing Supernaturall Fauours * It vvorkes not indeed by vvay of vsing Discourse or makeing Inferences but yet it vvorks by vvay of Contēplation and Admiration of the Infinite Obiect being God vvho is set before it * Note * A great foolish errour * Behold heer the true great impediment * This Saint is admirable in all the Comparisons vvhich the vses * This is a kind of Engine vvith certaine little leather Buckets fastned to the sides of a very great vvheele vvhich dra vves vp very much vvater vvith great ease In Spanish it is called a Noria * A good Lesson * A consideration of much comfort * A hard question most clearly and excellently ansvvered * Marke vvell these masculine and massye vvords * Note * This suspending of the Thought or Vnderstanding of vvhich the Saint speakes is a presenting a multitude of Supernaturall and Diuine Obiects before it together vvith a copious infusion of Light vvich is decerned by it after a kind of intuitiue vvay at once vvithout discourse or trouble And this Light rests not there but passes-on to the VVill and grovves to be as so much Fyre for the inflameing it in the Loue of our Lord. And the Soule doth more properly suffer heer then act And novv the Saint giues great vvarning that people be not so foolish as to offer at these things of themselues A great truth * A dangerous provvd foolish errour * Obserue the generous vvay of this great Saint * Note this very vvell * A great praise of a large hart * Hovv Saynts are to be imitated hovv admired * Note this vvell * A necessary Aduise * Our daily Bread * A description of a good Directour in matter of Spirit * Note * Hovv the VVill is to carry it selfe to the other Faculties of the Minde * The blessings of Quiet Prayer * Note * Note * Hovv the Soule is to carry it selfe in Quiet Prayer * Note * A true happy Comparison * The good Spirit very easily discerned from the bad * Note this point aboue all * A most necessary Document * A great blessing by meanes of this Prayer * These are the more generous mindes * As vvhen one is dyinge * This is an admirable State of Minde * The true State of the Povvers of the Minde in this Prayer Hovv there is an Vnion in this Prayer hovv there is none * The great effects of this high Prayer * The difference betvveē Eleuatiō and Vnion * She proceeds in declaring the great effects of this high Prayer * A Cōsideration of strange comfort * This is strange indeed * The strong Pillar of Prayer * Consider this very vvell * Take heed * A most dangerous temptation * Consider and admire this passage * The manner nature of Rapts * The Effects of Rapts * The strangest state of Minde vvhich perhaps is described in the vvhole Booke * The effect of Rapts * This Saynt it admirable in her Comparisons * Other great effects of true Rapts * Her great zeale for the conuersion of Kings * She alludes to Comets and blazing Starrs * A rare expression * Anopinion vvhich is more probable then true * This seems to haue been a foolish and ill-fauoured kind of errour in those others * That vvas by seuerall Visions * A svveet and iust cōplaint and vvorthie of the Saint vvho made it * By Vision * Beleiue and consider this most certaine Truth * A doubt vvhich cannot easily be solued * She grovves novv to make serious enquiry after a good Directour * The only excellent course * This holy mā enters often into the Story of our Saynt * This vvas no improbable opinion though it vvere no true one * So good a begining vvas almost a kind of perfecting the vvorke * The Saynt begann heer to be happy * This vvas a vvise man likely to vvorke vvonders vpon a Soule * He lost nothing by leaueing to be a Duke for Gods sake * This must needs haue been a holy and a vvise man * A little of this goes farr * So true it is that God is God * The mighty force and povver of any one Supernaturall vvord * The infinit differēce betvveē Supernaturall vvords of God all other * A strange encounter * Great povver of our Lord. * Hovv quickly she gott courage against the Diuells * A most certaine truth * This vvas a very ill aduise indeed * The incredible deare svveetnes of our B. Lord to a Soule * Obserue this vvell * This Saint yovv see vvas certainly no Protestant * The Masque of Pride * An admirable example of Pennance * Humane frailty and celestiall glory are not compatible * Imaginary Visions represented to by the senses are of the lovvest ranke most subiect to danger * The great effects of an admirable and most sublime Vision * The differēce is easily found both betvveen a true Vision and a false and betvveen a true Vision and a Fancy * A plaine demonstration * In order to the guideing of others a Directour may easily haue too meane an optnion of himselfe * This Saint vvas hugely vexed by the insatisfaction vvhich she receiued from many Spirituall men * This is very fitt to be knovvne * This is a true Fortiter sed Suauiter * This Saint vvas most strangely familiarly and supernaturally visited by our B Lord. * A strange Taske vvhich vvas put even by holy men upon this Saint * The more she vvas discountenanced euen by good men so much the more highly vvas she fauoured by our Lord. * A rare Comparison * Still more more excellent comparisons * An excellent most necessary Aduise * A strange mixture of affections but such as God knovves hovv to giue * This greife is after the rate of the loue * A very safe and vvise vvay of proceeding * This is a most certaine truth * Heer follovves a vvhole vvorld of sad temptations troubles * The differēce betvveē Diuine and Diabolicall greife of minde * The vvay manner of a great desolation * A pretty humour * A happy State * She makes along Discourse of the Diabolicall Temptations troubles to vvhich she vvas subiect * The excellency of Holy VVater * A great and iust consolation * A question vvorthy of him that askt it * This is a very great Truth but the Accent must be put vpon the vvord Indeed * And though she should haue continued to aske it I dare say our Lord vvould not haue graunted it * A must certaine truth * A vvise solid Truth * Exercise of Prayer and loue of Honour agree not vvell together * This is not to be litterally vnderstood for the Diuell can prepare no place for a Soule in Hell but by the Decree of Almighty God vpon the particular Iudgement giuen at the death of the Party * The Sinnes of Ingratitude discorrespondence and inordinate affection to Creatures vvhich she did committ and the greater and mortall Sinnes vvhich she vvould most certainly haue committed if the Mercy of our Blessed Lord had not preuented and vvithheld her * Hell is represented to her in Spirit after a most subtile manner and it vvas shevved to her and described by her in such sort as that such Creatures may be capable thereof as are indued not only vvith Mindes but vvith Bodyes * The excellent fruits vvhich this Saint did gather from this great Fauour vvhich seems to be the sole cause vvhy our B. Lord vvas pleased to impare this Fauour * The great benefit of this Fauour * Vide supra fol 471. * A svveet Effect of a sad Cause * A sad and strange proceeding * Hovv one suspition u vvont to thrid it self close vpon another * A holy vvise man * All these things and the like as namely Darts or Chaines or Crovvnes or Ievvells c. are not to be vnderstoood after a grosse materiall vvay but yet that really they haue truth in their being represented distinctly clearly to the Imagination of the Partyes and they cheifly serue as testimonies Signes of those interiour graces vertues vvhich vse to be imprinted vpon Soules at those very times by the mercy of our B. Lord. * She meanes her selfe * This Saint vvas an excellent person to make a freind of * A very strange demonstration of a most ciuill noble and freindly hart * Our Blessed Lord is still as good as his vvord * The great Charity Humility of the Saynt * Hovv deuout this deare Saynt is * They vvere very noble though they vvere poore * The Diuell is still himselfe * This is such a kind of vvorld as vvherein things vvill euer goe thus * A true ansvver to all the Diuells Obiections * Note the description vvhich the Saynt makes heer of her Religious * This Fast of the Order is not so strict and rigorous as that of the Church but is rather a forbearance of halfe the Meale then a Fast * This Point of haueing so very fevv in a Monastery vvas partly meant for them vvho vvere to liue in any place on Almes and partly because the Saint had seen some disorders by haueing too many Religious in other Hovvses and yet the Saint her selfe came aftervvard to admit of tvventy in stead of tvvelue and vvould perhaps haue admitted more if she had found reason for it * She inueighs vvith much reason against vaine Complements and especially amongst Religious people * An excellent most vsefull Document * A true noble most generous hart * Great effects of a Vision
THE FLAMING HART OR THE LIFE OF THE GLORIOVS S. TERESA Foundresse of the Reformation of the Order of the All-Immaculate Virgin-Mother our B. Lady of Mount-Carmel This History of her Life vvas vvritten by the Saint her selfe in Spanish and is nevvly novv Translated into English in the yeare of our Lord God 1642. Aut mori aut pati Either to dye or els to suffer Chap. 40. ANTWERPE Printed by IOHANNES MEVRSIVS ANNO M. DC XLII TO THE INCOMPARABLE SOVERAIGNE PRINCESSE HENRIETTA-MARIA OF FRANCE QVEEN OF GREAT BRITTAINE FRANCE AND IRLAND MADAME I Presume not novv to approach to your Maiesties presence vvith designe to begg your Fauours though this vse to be the case of euery Creature but to pay your Maiestie a Seruice and that a great one for the many Princely benefitts vvhich I haue receiued already from your gratious hand For heer I come to offer your Maiestie a meanes of magnifying your ovvne naturall greatnes by your avovving protecting and enlargeing the glory of an incomparable Saint S. Teresa To vvhome as I haue vvell vnderstood that already yovv carry an extraordinary deuotion and not only deuotion to her selfe but affection also to the holy Religious vvoemen of her Angelicall Order vvhereof the English Nation vvhich novv enioyes the honour to be also yours hath a Monastery at Antwerpe vvhich needs not perhaps be ashamed to appeare neer any other of the vvhole vvorld vvhether it be for their great entire contentment in Recollection their insatiable yet most delightfull thirst after Perfection Vnion vvith our Blessed Lord or the euerlasting Feast of Joy Iubily vvhich they solemnize both in the harty high respects vvhich they carry to their Reuerend Mother Superiour and their true most tender loue to one another so it vvill not be vnvvorthy either of your ovvne greatnes or goodnes that vvhen there is question of considering the vertues perfections of the Glorious S. Teresa and the celebrating her praises and the studying her Life J meane that Life of hers vvhich she vvrote vvith that most holy vvise hand of her ovvne vvhich I heer present your Maiestie vouchsafe to march at the very head of that vvhole Troope vvhich may addresse it selfe to the imitation of her Heroicall actions and to the admiration of those incomparable Graces and Fauours vvhich the God of Heauen and Earth thought fitt to infuse vvith his enamoured hart and omnipotent hand into that most happy Soule For vvho can euer be more fitt to patronize so great a Saint as she is then so great a Queen as your Maiestie vvho besides your Birth and renovvne vvhereof to speake after the manner of men yovv haue so much occasion to bragg haue also in order to Heauen shevved such constancy in the vvay of Religion and pietye as may iustly all things considered giue cause to the rest of your owne most eminent Ranke at least to shrinke if not to blush For my selfe to begg your Maiesties pardon for this apparance of presumption vvere novv to acknowledge some such fault as vvhereof J acquitted my selfe before I vvill therefore rather by this meanes hope to obtaine a Suite for this Seruice yea and that of the most sauory kind of all other it is That yovv vvill vouchsafe to imploy the Sacrifice of my vvhole Life in obedience to any of your Maiesties least commands God make keep your Maiestie as healthy as happy as this vvorld can tell hovv to vvish yea and as the other can tell hovv to graunt I most humbly aske leaue to doe your Maiestie all Reuerence at your Royall Feet Your Maiesties most humble most obedient most deuoted most obliged Seruant M. T. A word of Aduertisment to the Reader TO the end that the Reader 's iudgement may be kept from anie considerable errour concerning the person of the Glorious S. Teresa he is humbly and earnestly desired to read the Preface before he read the Booke and especially that part thereof vvhich occurrs betvveen that § vvhich beginns vvith these follovving vvords For she vvill tell you c. And that other vvhich beginns But novv it vvill come fittly in c. He may also be pleased to excuse the fevv Faults vvhich shall be found in the Print the rather because it vvas performed both in a strange Countrie and by strangers THE PREFACE OF THE TRANSLATOVR TO THE CHRISTIAN AND CIVIL READER I Was moued and who would not be moued by the Reuerend Mother Superiour of the English Teresian-Carmelites at Ant werpe the rest of that holie Assemblie to Translate out of Spanish into English the Life of the Admirable and Blessed Woeman S. Teresa their holie Mother and mine whose Excellencies and Perfections it is hard for anie Penn to expresse and few Harts euen of the most refined and raised can fully vnderstand and comprehend For though it were translated long agoe by an eminent and worthie Man of our Nation in the great deuotion which he carried to his excellent Saint yet he had liued so very long out of his Countâ—â— and had attended in so serious a manner to the acquiring of Perfection and Knowledge in order to the Conuersion of Soules that on the one side he seemed to haue lost a little of the puritie of his owne English Toung and on the other not to haue acquired enough of the Spanish and consequently not to haue been able to performe the Worke so exactly as he desired Since such a Booke as was so sublimely conceiued by such a Hart and so vehemeÌ„tly posted-out by such a Penn could neuer be exactly translated out of anie one Language into an other vvithout a kind of full possession of them both besides a great attention application of minde othervvise Some places being therfore very obscure and manie other more then a little mis-vnderstood the Booke vvas not so vvell receiued nor so gladly greedily read as it deserued And therfore both in honour of their renouned and admired Parent in appetite also of their ovvne consolation and perfection in Spirit the zeale of these holy Religious vvoemen could not content it selfe vvith less then a procuring to get a nevv Translation made vvhich perhaps might proue to their thinkeing a little lesse imperfect then the other For my part I confesse I vvonder that some such Reuievv and Reformation concerning a Publique Worke so much importing the glory of Almighty God and the honour of so eminent a Saint could be forborne so long But euen that very conceipt and consideration did helpe to clappe the Spurrs into my Sides towards a running through this Course and Carreire vvith all the care speed vvhich I could possibly vse And heerin though my abilityes were small yet my attention grew to be great and so I considered seuerall Coppyes and tooke also many opinions and yet found that all my diligences vvere few enow towards the discharge of the multitude of doubts and difficultyes vvhich occurred Partly through the
high and abstracted Nature of the verie Contents of the Booke Partly through the great length of the Periods Partly through the multitude sometimes of Parenthesis euen in the same sentēce Partly through her forbearing to vse those Particles in the beginning of the said Sentences as namelie For But Yet Therefore and the like vvithout vvhich it is not alwayes so easie to discerne whether the Discourse be either continued or interrupted or ended and partlie cheiflie by the ill printing and vvorse pointing of all the Spanish Coppyes vvhich I could euer come to see All vvhich I am faine to alleadge by vvay of an humble excuse for vvhatsoeuer errour I may haue inuoluntarilie committed in this case But howsoeuer I heer present it to the glorie of Almightie God to the praise of this Excellent Saint and to the consolation of these Children of hers vvho are no lesse then a kind of counterpoise to the miserie of the times vvherein vvee liue But now as soone as I had translated the Worke a certaine vvise vvorthie man my freind tooke knowledge of it and desired mee by a verie earnest letter of his to vsher this Booke into the vvorld vvith a Preface of mine owne vvhich might open the Readers eye the more easilie to behold the Saint vvhen she followed and so also to giue some notice of her Children who are following her And though I alleadged my reasons why this might be lesse necessarilie done yet still he vrged me to it and so I made his Will mine owne and accordinglie shall speake a few of my thoughts I say some few of my thoughts For whosoeuer hath studied the person of the Glorious S. Teresa vvell vvill find so much to say as if he haue a minde to say all he may doe vvel not to beginne since it vvill neuer be in his power to make an end such a full sea is this excellent Saint of all perfection vvhich hath neither Bottome nor Brimme I vvill therefore say verie little of her heer and that shall cheiflie tend to let you see how highlie this Life vvich vvas vvritten by the Saint her selfe is authorised and hovv punctuallie it deserues to be beleiued forasmuch as may any vvay concerne the truth of the Historicall part thereof as also the excellencie of the Order vvhich she both Reformed and Erected But for the present you may first be pleased to consider that vvee find the Liues of Saints to be vvritten by three seuerall kindes of persons For some are deliuered by men who are onlie eminēt in the Historicall vvay and they deserue to be esteemed and beleiued for the merit of that worth which shall appeare vvhatsoeuer it fall-out to be The second sort is vvhen the Writers are not onlie vvorthie Men but are withall so great Seruants of Almightie God as to be acknowledged by the Christian vvorld for Saints as S. Athanasius vvho vvrote the Life of S. Anthonie S. Epiphanius of seuerall Prophets S. Hierome of S. Paul and S. Hilarion both of them Heremits S. Gregorie the Great of S. Bennet S. Bonauenture of the Humble and Admired S. Francis and the like who deserue a farre higher credit then the former in regard that the vvriters were Saints The Third is when Saints themselues vvrite their owne Liues as the Incomparable S. Augustin did a great part of his in the Diuine Booke of his Confessions vpon the excesse admiration wherein he vvas at the vnspeakable Mercie of Almightie God for remouing all the miseries of his Soule And the Relations of such Liues as these are incomparably of the most credit of all For first no bodie knowes so vvell vvhat passes concerning a man as himself And Saints are verie farre from saying anie thing vvhich is not exactlie true and especiallie if the Saints be such as that they be also endued vvith verie great naturall parts of Witt and Memorie and Iudgement forasmuch as concernes the Braine or Vnderstanding as they vvill be sure to be vvith Truth and Sinceritie Candour forasmuch as may concerne the Hart or Will For as these Morall parts vvill keep them from deceauing others so the Intellectuall vvill secure them from being deceaued themselues and vvill make them define and diuide and suspect and doubt and aske before they fullie resolue to beleiue much more before they vvill publish things to the vvorld And now as the Incomparable S. Augustin vvas called by the consideration of his owne great Sinnes and God's greater Mercies to declare his Life in the neuer enough admired Booke of his Confessions so also did the Glorious S. Teresa the self same thing in effect in this Booke but by direction of her Ghostlie Father Not yet that he did so much as incline her to publish her owne imperfections and sinnes nay rather he did the direct contrarie but onlie to declare her Forme of Prayer togeather vvith the Fauours vvhich our Lord imparted to her therein But novv she vpon that occasion vvould needs make her owne Processe in view of the World shew as incident to the rest hovv ill she had complyed vvith Almightie God from time to time And by this meanes doth she in effect vveaue that great peice of rich Cloth-of-gold and Tislue vvhich concernes almost the Historie of her vvhole Life and novv the same is hungout abroad to the vievv of the vvorld But yet amongst all the excellencies thereof there is one thing vvhich displeases manie vvorthie vvise holie men or at least vvhich pleases them lesse then the rest And it is that vvhensoeuer there is anie question at all of her self in order either to Vertue or Vice she vvould neuer trust her ovvne eyes though they vvere so cleare and good as the vvorld knovves but shee resolued to vvorke vvith Perspectiue-Glasses of different yea euen contrarie kindes For vvhen she described her Vertues she serued her self of a Diminishing-glasse which made them seem so little as to be no more then a kind of Nothing But on the other side when she gaue account of her Imperfections she vvould by no meanes know them by anie other name then of Vices and Sinnes because she tooke a Multiplying-Glasse to her self for feare least els those Mole-hills should not seem Mountaines Novv in the strength of this vvel-meaning and holie kind of errour which she incurred if anie errour may vvell deserue so indulgent a name she gaue her self too great scope if the Reader vvould needs take her at her vvord to violate her ovvne excellent fame by certaine too venturous dashes of her penn vvhich vvas driuen too too hastily on by the impulse of a kind of inordinate Humilitie In such sort as that if a bodie vvere disposed to trust his eyes alone vvithout his reason he might be easilie dravvne to passe a verie erroneous Iudgement vpon her Soule For she vvill tell you in tvventie places of this Booke What a grieuous Sinner she vvas What a multitude of great sinnes she had in her conceipt committed
in the exercise of bounty Her compassion vvas most eminent to vvards the releife of all Creatures in miserye so especially vvas her sollicitude to consolate regale all such in all occasions as vvere intrusted to her care vvhilst yet she vvould needs be vnkind and euen as it vvere cruell to her selfe alone Aboue all things she was a most perfect Louer of Truth so full of matchless candour sincerity in all expressions vpon all occasions that she vvould no more haue euen so much as but disguised it and much lesse varyed from it in the least kind especially vvhen the question had any vvay concerned her owne aduantage then she vvould haue sold her selfe for a Slaue These I say vvere the conditions of this admirable Creature and these were the parts of her Minde vvhich yet I consider but in the nature of Fruits But they grew from these Roots vvhich follow A most profound Humility A most inuiolable Chastity A most strict loue of Pouerty A most vnshaken and inuincible Patience in despight of sharpe Sicknesses tormenting paines and endlesse persecutions A most ardent and inflamed Charity both towards God man which bred an eager and insatiable appetite to winne Soules An vndaunted Fortitude high Courage and that no less in the endeauouring great things then in the suffering hard things A constant continuall Supernaturall most Eleuated course of Prayer and Contemplation Such a kind of excellent Creature was this But yet whē I ouerlooked the little vvhich I had heer set downe I confess it seemed at the first euē in mine owne eye to be a very extraordinary Elogium of her Vertues and parts and as if it might perhaps haue had more in it of the Panegerick then of a iust Praise And therefore before I vvould giue it passage to the Print I looked attentiuely back vpon vvhat I had read of her concerning her resolutions and heroicall actions recorded in authenticall manner by diuerse graue and vvise Authours and in seuerall places also of her owne Workes and particularly vpon what is deliuered by Father Ribera in the Historicall Relation of her vvhole Life But when I came back from thence compared that kind of Descant vvith my Plaine-Song concerning the Saint I found my selfe to haue rather falne much too short then to haue any way ouer-short in this kind and that the particulars recounted with great authority els vvhere for the proofe of how she professed her selfe after a high most Heroicall manner in the practise pursuite of Vertue in order to all sanctity perfection to vvhich she aspired where by God's great mercy she ariued vvould haue no less auowed then encouraged my Penn to haue done her much more honour that is more right if it had not been employed by so vveake a hand as mine But in the meane time I haue considered the Example of the holy S. Hierome vvho vvriting of his S. Paula to Eustochium her Daughter hath these vvords I take Iesus and his Saints to vvitnes as also that particular Angell vvho vvas the Guardian and Companion of this admirable vvoeman That I vvill say nothing of her for fauour nothing after the custome of Flatterers but that vvhatsoeuer I am to deliaer shall be as if it vvere vpon mine Oath and yet still it vvill fall short of her merits And now this shall authorise mee also to take our Blessed Lord to witnesse that to the best of my poore vnderstanding I haue not mistaken my selfe about the celebration vvhich heer I make of our Saint in the point of haueing praised her too much but rather that I am growne to be her Debtour then her Creditour heerin For if euer there haue been in the whole vvorld many vvoemen of more admirable parts perfections both in their Intellectualls their Moralls which I account to be as the Simples of a Soule in the vse also thereof whereby those Simples grow to be mixed and whether wee shall consider them in the Naturall or Supernaturall way it is more then I haue been able to know either by reading or els by Discourse yet I haue been carefull enough to enquire But now the certainty of this truth will yet euen further appeare when I shall tell you that which followes And it is That when the Saint made obseruation had experience of the world 's great frailtie and lesse perfection and that the Religious Order and House vvhere she had entred had obtained certaine Relaxations and Dispensations from diuerse strict Clauses and Conditions of the first Institute and when she had also mett with some Customes through which euen her self had receiued disaduantage by dissipation and diminution of Spirit as namely in regard of great publique resort to the House and a multitude of vnnecessarie Conuersations and especially for that they were not bound to continuall Clausure but had libertie to goe abroad though yet only by leaue of their Superiours to visit their Parents and neer kinred at some times she grew into a full resolution That if euer it should be in her power to free her self from that course and to set more limited bounds vpon her wayes and to inuite others also by her example to expresse their great desire to gaine and perfect Soules she would not faile to put that purpose of hers in execution And so after the expiring of some time the encountring of manie impedimēts and the ouercoming a vvorld of difficulties she grew to expresse her loue to our B Lord but in the person of such Creatures as for whome he dyed to such a proportion and in so high a kind as to proiect and perfect so great and hard a vvorke as that perhaps no Woeman will be seen to haue euer procured and performed the like For to reforme a Religious Order and to reduce it to the first strict Institute is a matter of much more difficultie then to Found one And for a Woeman vvho vvas of no absolute power to command to passe through so manie impediments and to vvinne the Prize and to adorne euen that Originall Rule it self vvith so manie holie and wise Documents and Constitutions of her owne for the raising and true refining of Spirit according to the necessities and exigēces of those present most depraued times makes the busines become yet more hard and strange on the one side and more vsefull also more excellent on the other For as I conceaue it to be a truth that there is no one approued Order of Religious people in the Holie Catholique Church vvhich is not of the best of all others in that vvay of Spirit for which it was cheifly instituted by Almightie God and especially for those times in which it was instituted So is it not only pietie but euen prudēce also to beleiue that since this Blessed Woeman was stirred-vp by God's holie Spirit in this Age of ours for the redresse of our moderne great disorders that his Diuine Maiestie
Teresa and of those happie Daughters of hers vvho already beganne to liue vnder her Rule And these are his verie vvords I neuer saw nor knew the Blessed Mother Teresa of Iesus vvhilst yet she vvas in this world but now vvhen she liues in Heauen I know her and doe in effect continually see her in two liuing Images or Pictures of her self which she left amongst vs and those are her Daughters her Bookes vvhich serue also in my opinion for very faithfull witnesses and superiour to all kind of exception concerning the proofe of her great vertue For if I had but seen the figure and features of her face they vvould haue informed me but of that part of her Bodie And if I had heard her speake and discourse that might also haue declared some part of the vvorth of her Minde But the first vvould haue been common to others the second might haue been subiect to errour to vvhich these other are not subiect in vvhich I see her now For as Salomon saith A man may be knovvne by his children And the fruits vvhich anie one leaues behind him vvhen he goes out of the vvorld are the true testimonies of the life vvhich he led vvhen he vvas heer And so we see that Christ our Lord himself vvhen he was pleased in the holie Ghospel to put a difference between the Good and the Bad addresses men to consider their Fruits for By their Fruits saith he you shall knovv them So that the Vertue and Sanctitie of Mother Teresa vvhich might perhaps haue seemed questionable doubtfull to me vvhen I should haue seen her heer the same I hold to be both very euident and very certaine whilst now I see her not by the view vvhich I haue of her both in her Daughters in those Bookes vvhich she hath left behind her For by the vertue vvhich shines so brightly in all those Daughters of hers vve come to know vvithout anie errour at all the great abundance of grace vvhich it pleased Almightie God to vouchsafe to her whome he would ordaine to be the Mother of this new Miracle And really that deserues to be held for no lesse then a Miracle vvhich vve see our Blessed Lord to be doing daily both in them and others by their meanes Nay if that must goe for a Miracle vvhich happens beyond the naturall course order of things there are in this particular so manie of them vvhich are both new and extraordinarie as that to call them but a Miracle vvere to say little for they are rather an assemblie and heape of Miracles For it is one Miracle that a single Woeman alone should haue reduced an Order both of Men Woemen to Perfection And a second that the Perfection to vvhich she brought them vvas so great and high And a third to find to vvhat a huge encrease it is growne in so very few yeares from so small beginnings And now euerie one of these three is a thing vvhich deserues particular consideration For if it belong not to Woemen to teach but to be taught as S. Paul affirmes it growes instantly to be a kind of Miracle that a weake sicklie Woeman should be so full of courage as euen to vndertake so great a vvorke as that and vvithall should be so full of vvisdome and efficacie as finally to preuaile therein and should be also able to steale the verie harts out of the bodies of them with who me she treated that so the might be able to giue them to Almighty God and carrie such multitudes of people after her towards the embracing of all such things as are apprehended and abhorred most by flesh and bloud Whereby me thinkes it appeares that in a time vvhen the Diuel pretends to triumph in the multitude of those Infidels vvho follow him and in the obstinacie of diuerse Hereticall Nations vvhich take part vvith him amongst the manie vices of loose Catholiques who range themselues also on his side the Maiestie of Almightie God vvould be pleased for the greater contempt and scorne of the Diuel to aduance and set before him not a Man who should be valiant learned but a poore single Woemā vvho should raise-vp and plant a Banner of Defiance against him and should publiquely draw people togeather vvho might conquer him and trample vpon him and euen turne him in fine out of doores And certainly he vvas also resolued that it should serue for a demonstration to the vvorld and that in a time vvhen so manie thousands of men vvere seeking to venture vpon the spoile of his Kingdome some by their erroneous vnderstandings and others by their depraued life and manners to proue how Mightie and Omnipotent he was by his introducing enabling a Woeman vvho should both illuminate the mindes and compose the affections and reforme the actions of manie and that her Children should daily grow-vp into greater numbers towards the reparation of those ruines Now in this as it vvere old age of his Church he hath been also pleased to shew vs that his Grace is not growne old and vveake and that the strength and vertue of his Holie Spirit is not lesse powerfull at this day then it was formerly in those happie times of the Primitiue Church Since now by certaine meanes vvhich are of an inferiour and vveaker kind then before he doth either the same or in effect the verie same vvhich he did then For to passe from the first Miracle to the second the Life vvhich your Reuerences lead and the Perfection vvherein your Holie Mother hath placed you vvhat is it but a picture of the Sanctitie of the Holie Primitiue Church For really that of vvhich vve read in the Histories of those times the self same thing doe vve see now vvith our verie eyes in your conuersation and proceeding And your Life demonstrates that by your actions and vvorkes vvhich hath lately through the little practise thereof seemed to be only found in papers and vvords And that vvhich being read makes men wonder yea and euen flesh and bloud doth hardly know how to beleiue we see to be all accomplished and performed by your Reuerence and your holie Communitie For how absolutly are you all vntyed and freed from vvhatsoeuer in fine is not God And how haue you offred your selues vp into the armes of your Celestiall Spouse in vvhome you howerly embrace one another vvith mindes of valiant men though in the bodies but of weake and delicate Woemen And how doe you put in execution the most high and generous kind of Christian Philosophie vvhich euer vvas so much as thought of by men and so ariue by your actions in order to a perfect life to the exercise of all Heroicall Vertue vvhere euen the witts of men haue scarce ariued with their Imagination For you make litter of all the riches of this world you haue Libertie in hatred Honour in contempt and you loue Humilitie and Mortification and all your attention and studie seemes euer
to consist in gaining ground vpon Vertue by a holie kind of emulation and competition vvith one another And so also on the other side your Spouse keepes very close correspondence vvith you by infusing so very great strength of delight and ioy into your Soules as that you possesse the treasure of true Alacritie euen in your verie being depriued and stripped of all those things vvhich are wont to giue contentment to poore-harted people in this life And so you also with great generositie tread all vvorldlie things vnder your feet as persons vvho be as it vvere exempted euen from the lawes thereof or at least are growne superiour to them all For neither doth trouble or labour vvearie you nor Clausure afflict you nor infirmitie discourage you not euen death amaze or fright you but rather yeild himself vp to be conquered by you But that vvhich in the midst of all these particulars serues to make the vvonder very extreame is the great facilitie and gust vvherewith you goe through all these things which of themselues are hard enough to be performed For Mortification is matter of solace to you Resignation as a kind of Sport Pennance a Passe-time And you goe putting that in execution which turnes Nature into admiration and you conuert the exercise of the most Heroicall Vertues into a pleasant kind of entertainment and all this as it vvere in a sporting and reioycing way vvhereby in fine the certaintie of those vvords of Christ our Lord that His yoake is svveet and his burthen light growes to be found effectually true Since no Secular Ladie takes so much pleasure in her ornaments and attires as your Reuerences find it to be a thing of great ioy and gust for you to lead the life euen of Angells And such doe you seem really to be not only in the perfection of your liues but in the vnion also resemblance of mindes vvhich you maintaine therein vvith one another Since no two things are more like one another then you are all amongst your selues and euerie one to euerie other in your speech in your modestie in your humilitie in your discretion in your sweetnes of Spirit and finally in your whole proceeding and conuersation For as the self same vertue and vvay of Life animates you all so doth it also frame you all after one manner and vve see in you all as in so manie pure Christall glasses one kind of face and countenance vvhich is that of your Holie Mother Teresa deriued downe and stamped vpon her Daughters By meanes vvhereof I see her now as I vvas saying at the first vvith more euidence and clearnes euen vvithout hauing formerly seen her because her Daughters are not only the liuelie pictures of her internall features but the assured testimonies also of her perfections And these are communicated to you all and they passe from one of you to another with so great speed vvhich makes the Third Miracle-vp that in the space of twentie yeares for this falls-out to be the time since she founded her first Monasterie till now Spaine alone is growne to be so full of her Monasteries that aboue a thousand Religious persons are daily seruing Almightie God in this Countrie amongst vvhome your Reuerences vvho are the Religious Woemen of that Order shine brightly and that vvith as much difference as the greater and fairer Starres exceed the lesser For as it was a happy Woeman who gaue beginning to this Reformation so it seemes that the Woemen are they who in all things haue aduantage of others and not only are the great guiding Lights of the Order but are withall the verie honour of our Nation and the glorie euen of the Age wherein we liue And in fine yow are those faire Flowers which beautifye the great barrennes of the Times and are certainly the most rare and choice parts of the Church of God liuelie testimonies of the efficacie of Christ our Lord and the euident proofe of his Soueraigne vertue finally the expresse patterns vvhereby vvee take the daily experience of vvhat is promised vs by our Faith And this is now as much as concernes her Daughters vvhich is the former of those two Images or Pictures of your Holie Mother vvhereof I spake Nor is the second Image or Picture a whitt lesse Miraculous then that former it consists in her Writings Bookes vvherein vvithout anie question at all the Holie Ghost vouchsafed and resolued that holie Mother Teresa should remaine as a rare example to the vvorld c. All these are the verie words of Doctour Levvis de Leon. By this you therefore see what iudgement vvas made at that time of this admirable Creature our Glorious Saint But by way of full cōclusion to as much as I now intend to speake of her excellencies I must needs add a Clause or two vvhich I find deliuered by another eminent vvise learned Authour it was Father Ribera a Father of the Societie of IESVS vvho vvrote her vvhole Life at large together with it indeed as a very part thereof he published certaine Exclamations or lowde Aspirations vvhich her enamoured Soule vvas wont to make to Almighty God together with certaine Aduertisments also concerning the sense and feeling of Spirit vvhich she found in her self vvith a signification how she vvas affected towards his Diuine Maiestie and finally how she behaued her self then in the growth of Prayer and Perfection Now all this Account of her self had been deliuered by her in her owne hand to her Ghostlie Father though one part of it about a yeare sooner then the other for the enabling him the better to direct her and she did it all vvhilst she vvas yet in the Monasterie of the Incarnation vvhere she vvas placed first before she had setled her owne Order way of Life according to the primitiue Institution thereof though yet she had euen then begunne to serue our Blessed Lord in great earnest And then also did his Diuine Maiestie rayne downe abundance of Supernaturall Fauours vpon her happie Soule as the same exact Authour declares But that iudgement which he made vpon her I will heer deliuer to you since it is so very short and withall so very highly significant For thus he saith By this you may discerne to how great perfection this happie Soule ariued in so short a time which deserues to cast the world into admiration For since she in her beginnings got-vp towards the verie top of that Perfection which is wont to be acquired in this Life euen by Saints to what passe would she arriue in the space of two or three and twentie yeares which she liued afterwards whilst she daily went encreasing in the loue of Almightie God by receauing so manie high Fauours from his Diuine Maiestie by performing so manie Pennances by enduring so great afflictions tormets through sicknes togeather with manie persecutions and troubles by founding so manie Monasteries by gaining so manie Soules by possessing so
them but all goodnes and all care also of my good But passing on from that tender age to be able to beginne to vnderstand the benefits and guifts of Nature vvhich our Lord had bestovved vpon me vvhich others esteemed and sayd to be great in steed of giueing him thankes for the same I beganne to serue my self of them all tovvards the offence of his Diuine Maiestie as I shall novv declare THE SECOND CHAPTER VVhich shevves hovv she vvent loosing in the vvay of Vertue and hovv very much it importes to conuerse in childhood vvith vertuous persons I Belieue that a certaine thing vvhereof I vvil novv giue account beganne to doe me a great deale of hurt Sometimes I grovv to consider hovv ill those Parents doe vvho procure not that their Children should be euer seing examples of Vertue in all kindes For though my Mother were very eminent that vvay as I haue sayd already yet I tooke not so much of that good to myself vvhen first I came to the vse of Reason no nor almost euen anie thing at all and on the other side vvhatsoeuer there vvas of imperfect and ill did hurt me much My Mother vvas very particularly affected to reade Bookes of Caualleria or vaine histories but she tooke not so much hurt by that entertainment as I did because it hindred not that vvorke the vvhile about vvhich she vvas but disengaged vs from other things that so vve might reade them And perhaps she did it also the rather that she might so haue her thoughts lesse bent vpon the memorie of the great afflictions vvhich she felt and to employ also her Children in such sort as to diuert them from the thought of vvorse things My Father vvas yet so much troubled at this that particular care vvas had that he might not kouvv it But I in the meane time remained with the custome of reading these Bookes and that little fault of mine vvhich euen I myself discerned therein beganne to coole my good desires and vvas the reason vvhy I also grevv to faile in the rest and I made myself belieue that it vvas not very ill donne though yet I spent manie howers both of the day and night in so vaine an exercise and though it vvere still concealed from my Father But I vvas possessed heervvith in such extremitie that if perhaps I could not gett some nevv Booke I savv not hovv I could be in contentment I beganne also to make my self fine and to desire to grovv acceptable in seeming handsome and I tooke much care of my hands and of my haire and to get choice perfumes togeather vvith all those vanities vvhich it vvas possible for me to incurte by this meanes vvhich I confesse vvere enow in regard that I vvas very curious in this kinde I had only no ill intention nor desired I vpon anie tearmes that anie Creature should offend Almightie God vpon anie occasion of mine but I continued in so great a curiositie for daintines and cleanlines as vvas euen beyond all reason and those things vvhich for manie yeares I conceaued to be of no sinne at all I finde novv hovv very ill they vvere Novv I had certaine Cosen-germans vvho frequented my Fathers house in familiar manner no others hauing any such libertie as that For my Father was very warie and reserued in this kinde but I would to God he had also been so in respect of my Cosins because now I discerne the danger that it is for such as are to beginne to plant Vertue in the soule to treate with persons who know not in true account how great the Vanitie of the world is but rather are inclined to awake stirre others vp to cast themselues also into the same danger These kinsmen of mine were in effect of mine owne age or rather a little elder then I. VVe were vsually togeather and they carried great affection to me and in all things which gaue them contentment I was willing to vphold the discourse and gaue eare to the successes of their loue to others and such other fooleries as are good for nothing Yea and which is worse I grew by these meanes to lay my soule open to be looked vpon by certaine idle thoughts which were the cause of all the ensuing ill If I were worthie to aduise Parents I would wish them to take great heed what kinde of persons they admitted to conuerse with their Children for much harme may grow from thence since the naturall condition of Mankinde wil neuer clime vp so easily towards good as decline towords ill at least it hapned so to me I had a Sister much elder then my self of whose puritie and goodnes whereof she had great store I tooke no part but I failed not to take all hurt from a certaine other kins-woman of mine who had also familiar entrie into our house Now she was of so light and guiddie a conuersation that my Mother had vsed seuerall diligences to diuert her from familiaritie with vs. For it seemes she did euen half foresee the mischief which was to grow vpon me by her meanes and yet on the other side the occasion was so great faire whereby she was to enter that euen my Mother could not tell how to decline it VVith this Creature as I was saying did I come to haue much delight to entertaine myself VVith her was my conuersation and my discourse because I found that she employed her self willingly vpon all those wayes of passing my time wherein I delighted most Yea and sometimes she would embarke me in them of her self giuing me part and knowledge of all her owne conuersations and vanities Till I beganne to be familiar with her when I thinke I was some foureteen yeares old or rather a little more I meane till she had wrought her selfe into so much friēdship with me as to make me partake the knowledge of all her little affaires I am much inclined to thinke that I had neuer forfeited the fauour of Almightie God by anie Mortall Sinne nor euer forsaken the feare of his Diuine Maiestie though yet still I feared more to loose my honour This last point was of power enough with me for not permitting mee to loose it outright nor doe I conceiue that any thing of this world could make mee change that resolution nor was there any person aliue who could winne mee to yeild my selfe vp to that misery I would to God I had so abounded in strength courage as not to make one pace against the honour of his Diuine Maiestie as euen a kinde of naturall constitution of minde confirmed me towards the not loosing that wherein I held the honour of this world to consist though yet I considered not the while that I lost euen that also manie wayes For the vaine vpholding heerof I had euen an extreame resolution though yet for the proper and fitt meanes which was necessarie for preseruing it I vsed none at all only I was earnest in taking care that I might by
no meanes loose myself outright My Father and my Sister were much troubled about this friendship of mine and reproued me for it very often but yet they being vnable to remoue the occasion of her coming to vs at times their diligences were euer wont to fall short for my sagacity sharpe conceipt in contriuing anie thing which might be ill was very great I am sometimes vpon this occasion in a wonder at how much hurt ill companie may doe and if it had not been mine owne case I could hardly belieue it especially when it occurrs in the time of innocent and fresh youth for then doth it greatest hurt and I could wish that Parēts would take some warning by me that so they might consider it wel For the truth is that this conuersation did worke such an entire change vpon me that I who formerly had not only a Soule but euen a kinde of naturall constitution inclined to Vertue was growne to haue in effect no semblance or signe at all thereof and it seemes that both she and yet another who was vpon the matter of the same humour had imprinted their owne conditions vpon me From hence also I am growne to vnderstand how pretious a thing good companie is and I hold it for as good as a most certaine truth that if in that age of mine I had conuersed with onlie vertuous persons my selfe should haue proued accomplished in the way of Vertue and that if in those tender yeares I had mett with such as would haue made it their busines to make me feare Almighty God my soule would haue gathered such strength as might haue kept it from falling But afterward this feare of God growing to be lost the care only of my honour remained which gaue me a kinde of torment in whatsoeuer I did But now with thinking that such and such things would neuer be knowne I presumed to doe manie which were both against my honour and against God In the beginning those things did me harme as I am apt to thinke though yet perhaps that hapned not by the fault of others but by mine owne but afterward mine owne malice fell out to be sufficient for mine owne mischief together with the help of my Maides who were readie enough for anie thing that was naught If anie one of them had but aduised me well it would haue serued my turne but interest blinded them as my inclination did me And though I neuer was addicted to much ill for euen naturally I abhorred such things as concerned dishonestie yet I liked to passe my time in faire conuersation but being afterward growne into the occasions the danger was neerer at hand and that brought also my Father and my Brothers into some But God deliuered me out of them in such sort as that it well appeared how he was pleased to procure euen against my will to preserue me from my totall perdition though yet still things could not be carried so priuatly as that my honour did not suffer preiudice by it euen abroad besides a little suspicion of my Father at home For I remember not that they ariued to be three moneths of my walking vp and downe in these vanities when they carried me to a certaine Monasterie in this towne where they were wont to giue education to such as I was though yet not so vntoward as myself But it was donne with great discretion and reserue for only I and a kinsman of mine knew of it and they stayed a while for a certaine coniuncture of things to keepe it from seeming new or strange for my Sister was then lately married and so it would not seeme so very handsome that I should stay at home alone without a Mother The loue which my Father bore me was so extreame and so also was my dissimulation that he could not belieue so much ill of me as I deserued and therefore I was not falne into his disfauour For the time hauing been but short though perhaps he might happen to heare of some little wispering yet it could neuer be deliuered to him with anie certaintie in regard that I hauing so tender a care of myself in point of honour all my diligences were employed vpon keeping things secret and I considered not the while how impossible a thing it was to hide anie thing from him by whome all things are seen O my God! what a mischief doth it bring vpon the world to make light of this and to thinke that such things can be secret as are repugnant to thy will For my part I hold it for certaine that many great sinnes would be forborne if once we would grow to vnderstand that the busines doth not consist in saueing our selues harmlesse from men but in keeping our selues very farre from disgusting Almightie God During the first eight dayes of my being in the Monasterie I feit it much euen for it self but yet more for the suspicion I had that my vanitie was discouered then for that I was placed there For now already I became wearie of doing ill and I failed not to haue great feare of Almightie God whensoeuer I offended him and I procured to Confesse myself often But after those eight dayes yea peraduenture sooner I grew to be better pleased there then euen in mine owne Fathers house All the Religious were glad to be in my companie for in this our Lord endewed me with a particular grace that I alwayes gaue contentment wheresoeuer I was and so I vsed euer to be much beloued And though I were at that time in extremitie of being auerse from becoming a Religious woeman yet I ioyed to see so good Religious woemen as they were after an eminent proportion in that house and of great puritie and obseruance and recollection But yet notwithstanding all this the Diuel gaue not ouer to tempt me and he found out such persons from abroad as might disquiet me with certaine messages of theirs But in regard there was no great oportunitie for those things they quickly ceased and my soule beganne againe to accustome it selfe to the good impressions of my first youth and I saw how great fauour Almighty God doth them whome he casts into their companie who are good And it seemes as if the Diuine Maiestie had gone looking and yet looking againe by what meanes he might bring me back to himself Blessed be thou O lord who didst endure me so long Amen One particular there was which it seemes might turne a little to my excuse if I had not been guiltie of so manie faults And it is that the Conuersation which I held was with one who by way of marriage seemed to make it probable to end well And I informing myself about it of my Confessarius and of others also with whome I consulted in manie things they told me that I offended not Almighty God But now one of the Religious was lodged where we who were secular persons were also accommodated and it seemes that our lord was pleased to
giue me light by her meanes as I will now declare THE THIRD CHAPTER VVherein she treates hovv her falling into vertuous companie vvas the occasion of her returning to avvake good desires in herself And hovv our Lord beganne to giue her some light of the errour vvherein she had formerly been BVt now I beginning to take gust in the good and holie conuersation of this Religious woeman was ioyed to heare how well she was wont to speake of Almighty God for she was both very holie and very discreet Of this I conceiue confesse I did neuer at anie time giue ouer to â—â—â—â—ery glad to heare She began one day to tell nâ—â—â—â—ow she was growne to be a Religious woman by the onlie reading of that place of the Ghospell That manie are called but fevv are chosen And she spake much to me of the reward which our lord is wont to giue to such as leaue all things for the loue of him In a word this good societie of hers beganne quickly to put to flight those customes and condiuons which ill companie had brought vpon me and restored the desire of eternall blessings to my thoughts yea and to stripp me in some part of that great enmitie and opposition against becominge a Religious woemaÌ„ which formerly had been very extreame But now if I chanced to see anie one who shed manie teares for her sinnes or els that she abounded in other vertues I carried a kinde of enuie towards her though as for this hart of mine it was so very hard and euen impenetrable in this kinde that if I should haue read ouer the whole Historie of the Paision of our Blessed Sauiour I was not able to shed a teare and this put me to a great deale of paine In this Monasterie did I remaine a yeare and a half and I was much improued there I beganne to say manie Vocall prayers and I procured of all the Religious that they would recommend me much to Almightie God to the end that he might place mee in such a way of Life as wherein I might be likelie to serue him best But still I did euen desire that I might not be a Religious woman and that this might not be the state which God would giue me though yet still I was afrayd to be married But now at the end of the time when I was there I already beganne to be more inclined to be a Religious woeman though yet not in that verie House where I was then in regard of those actions of extraordinarie vertue and pennance which I vnderstood they vsed and which seemed to me of too much rigour Yet there were some of the yonger sort of themselues who encouraged me towards those formet more imperfect thoughts for if they all had been of one opinion it would haue been much to my true aduantage I had also a great friend in another Monasterie and this was partly a reason why if I would be a Religious woman I would not yet be so in anie other place then where that friend of mine was For I carried more respect to my sensualitie and vanitie then to the benefit which I might bring to my soule These good thoughts of being a Religious woman were often coming to me by times but they were instantly sent away againe and I could not yet persuade myself to be one At this time though my self were not altogether vvithout care of my cure yet our Lord vvas much fuller of desire to dispose me for that state vvhich vvould be best for my soule He then gaue me so great a sicknes that I vvas forced to returne home to my Fathers house And vven once I vvas recouered they conducted me to giue a Visit to one of my Sisters in the Countrie for the loue vvhich I bore her vvas extreame and by her vvill I should neuer haue parted from her Her Husband did also loue me very much and at least he regaled me highly And euen for this also am I obliged to our Blessed Lord since in all places vvhere I haue been I was euer treated after this manner notwithstanding that I haue been as vnthankefull to him for it as for his other fauours Now by the way towards my Sister I had an Vnckle my Fathers Brother vvho vvas a very aduised man and of great vertue He vvas a Widdower and our Lord vvent disposing him for his owne seruice and vvhen he grew on to be of yeares he left the vvorld and became a Religious man and ended his life in such sort that I belieue he is now enioying the Vision of Almightie God But he vvould needs haue me as I passed remaine with him some dayes His vsuall exercise vvas to reade good Bookes in the Spanish toung and his discours vvas most commonly of God and of the vanitie of the world and those Bookes vvould he also make me reade And though I had no great liking to this yet I pretended that I had for in the point of giuing contentment to others I had euer an extreame kind of care how deare soeuer it might cost me So that the same thing vvich had been vertue in others was a great fault in me because I often carried my self therin vvith much indiscretion O my God! By vvhat vvaies did thy Diuine Maiestie goe disposing me for that state in vvhich thou vvert pleased that I should serue thee since thou didst euen force me thus as it vvere against my vvill to force my self Be thou blessed for all eternitie Amen Though I stayed not long in that place yet by the effect vvhich the vvords of Almighty God wrought in my hart whether they vvere read or heard by me together vvith so good companie as that vvas vvherein I found my self then I came to vnderstand this Truth vvhich I had learnt when I was yet but a Child That namely all was nothing and how great the vanitie of the vvorld vvas and that all vvould be shortly at an end and that I might iustly feare least dying in that condition wherein I vvas I might chance goe dropping downe into Hell And though my vvill did not yet entirely resolue me to make my self a Religious vvoman yet I vvell discerned that it vvas the better and more secure state and so by little and little I determined to force my hart to embrace it In this battaile I remained three moneths constraining my self at last by this following discours and reason that the troubles and afflictions of being a Religious vvomaÌ„ could not be greater then the paine of Purgatorie And that I hauing so vvel deserued Hell it vvas not to be esteemed too much if I remained vvhilst I should liue heer as in Purgatorie so that afterward I might goe streight to heauen For this was my desire But yet euen in this inclination of mine to take this state vpon me I doubt I vvas more moued by a kinde of seruile Feare then by Loue. The Diuel in the meane time represented to me that I would neuer
yet could not be too great a demonstration vvhen I vveigh how deeply I offended thee afterward Now me thinkes that I had reason before in not desiring so great a dignitie as this considering how ill I vvere like to employ it But thou O my Lord vvert pleased to permitt that I might vse this fauour so ill twentie yeares togeather and vvouldst content thy self to be the person affronted that I might be the person improued For it seemes not to me now O my God that I made thee anie promise of anie thing but only that I vvould keepe no promise vvich I had made thee though yet my intention vvas not such at that time And yet I finde my actions to haue growne afterward to be such that I may very vvell thinke I scarce know vvhat kind of intention I had And thus it may the better be seen vvho thou art O my Spouse and my God and who I am For it is really an expresse truth that the grief for my very great sinnes is tempered in me manie times by the contentment which this consideration giues me that my sinnefulnes may proue a meanes to make the multitude of thy mercies be vnderstood For in whome O Lord can they euer shine so brightly as in me who haue by my wicked actions so obscured those great fauours which thou beganst to doe me Ah woe is me O my Creatour for if I looke for anie excuse I can find none nor hath anie creature the fault of it but only my self and if I would pretend to pay thee anie thing for the least part of that Loue which thou beganst to shew me I should not know how to employ it vpon anie thing but only thy self and thereby might all be redressed since I neuer deserued the same Nor was I euer so happie as to doe euen this and therefore now O Lord let thy mercie vouchsafe to supply all wants But now the change which I made of my life and the difference of my food at this time from the former beganne to doe me hurt in the way of health for though the contentment which I had was great yet would it not serue the turne My fitts of fainting and swooning beganne againe to encrease and such a hideous beating of the hart came vpon me as amazed all them who saw it besides manie other infirmities And thus I passed on my first yeare with a kinde of health which was ill enough though yet within that time I conceaue my self not to haue offended God much But my sicknes being so great that it depriued me almost of my senses yea and sometimes I was vvholy depriued the diligences which my Father vsed for my recouerie vvere also very great and vvhen the Doctours of those parts found no remedie he procured to get me remoued to a certaine place vvhere there vvas great fame of the curing manie other infirmities and so they assured themselues that they vvould be able to doe also vvith mine That friend vvhome I mentioned to be in that House vvent vvith me for she vvas of yeares and in the Monasterie vvhere she liued they made no Vow of Clausure I stayd almost a yeare in that other place and during three moneths therof I suffred so excessiue torments by the manner of the Cure vvich was very rigorous that I know not how I vvas able to endure them and though I did endure them yet me thinkes it vvas not my Bodie vvhich could doe it as I vvil now declare This Cure vvas to be taken in hand in the beginning of Sommer and I vvent in the beginning of VVinter All this meane time I remained in the house of that Sister of vvhome I spoke before vvho dwelt in the Countrie because I vvas then neer the place and yet it vvas very troublesome to be going and coming to and fro VVhen I departed from that Vncle of mine vvhome I declared my selfe to haue visited in the vvay he gaue me a certaine Booke vvich is called The third A. B. C. which treats of the manner of Prayer with Recollection Now though in that first yeare I had read some good Bookes forbearing vtterly to looke vpon anie other for I was not ignorant of the hurt which such as those had donne me yet I knew not how to proceede in Prayer nor how to obtaine Recollection and so I was very glad of this Booke and determined to follovv that way to the vttermost of my power And since our Lord had already been pleased to bestow the guift of teares vpon me and since I delighted also in reading I beganne to spend some good fitts of time in solitude and to Confesse myself very often and in a word to addresse myself by that way esteeming that Booke to be my Maister For I could meet with no other Maister I meane a Ghostlie Father who was able to vnderstand me though I fought such an one almost twentie yeares after this time VVhich accident did me hurt enough towards the making me turne back often yea and for the making me loose myself But such an one would haue daily assisted me to lay aside and leaue those occasions which I tooke to offend Almightie God In these beginnings his Diuine Maiestie beganne to doe me so great fauours that at the end of the time when I remained there which was about nine moneths in this way of solitude though I were not so free from offending God as the Booke appointed which I neglected as holding it impossible to continue still so watchfull ouer myself I was carefull not to commit anie Mortall sinne and I would to God I had alwaies been so but of Venialls I made no great account and this was that in fine which destroyed me But our Lord began to regale me so much by this way that he vouchsafed me the favour to giue me Quiet Prayer and sometimes it came so farre as to arriue to Vnion though I vnderstood neither the one nor the other nor how much they both deserued to be prized But I belieue it would haue been a great deale of happines for me to haue vnderstood the certainty thereof True it is that this Vnion rested with me for so short a time that perhaps it might ariue to be but as of an Aue Maria yet I remained with so very great effects therof that with not being then so much as twentie yeares old me thought I found the whole world vnder my feet and so I remember well that I was wont to carrie great compassion towards such as followed the wayes of the world though it were but euen in lawfull things I Procured the best I could to carry our Lord who is our true Good still present with me and euen within me and this was the manner of my prayer If I thought vpon anie passage or Mysterie I represented it to the interiour of myself and other times I spent in reading good Bookes which was all the recreation that I had For God gaue not me the talent
of discoursing with my Vnderstanding nor to help my self by the vse of my Imagination which I haue so heauie and grosse that euen to thinke and represent within my self so much as the Humanitie of our Blessed Lord which I endeauoured to doe was yet more then I could possibly performe And howsoeuer by this way of not being able to employ and set the Vnderstanding on worke in the way of discourse men may sooner ariue to Contemplation if they perseuer therin yet is it very troublesome and painefull because if the employment of the will doe faile so farre of obtaining the true end as that their Loue finde no present Obiect to embrace the soule is left as it were without anie exercise and rest at all and that kinde of solitude and drynes giues much trouble and opens the way to a combat and confusion of thoughts As for persons who haue this disposition there is need of a greater puritie of Conscience then for such others as are able to worke and discourse by way of the Vnderstanding For he who is able to discourse vpon what this world is and vpon what he owes to Almightie God and how much he suffered for him and how little himself is able to serue him and vvhat he bestowes vpon such as loue him vvil be able to draw a doctrine from thence vvhich may defend him from impertinent thoughts and occasions and dangers But he vvho can not serue himself thereof runnes more hazard and shall therefore doe vvell to employ himself much vpon reading since on his owne part he knowes not hovv to help himself This manner of proceeding is so very extreamly painefull that if the Directour who instructs shall vrge him much to pray without reading which greatly helpes to recollect the person who proceeds thus yea and is necessarie for him though it be little which he reades saue only in time and place of Mentall Prayer which he is not able to make I say if without this help they make him stay much in Prayer it wil be impossible for him to last long therin and besides it wil doe him hurt in point of health for it is extreamly painefull Now it seemes that our Lord prouided so for me as that I should not finde anie Creature to instruct me for it had been impossible for me I thinke to continue to endure this extreame difficultie and these great aridities through my not being able as I was saying to discourse In all these times I neuer durst beginne to pray without a Booke in my hand vnlesse it were instantly vpon my hauing Communicated and as hartily was my soule afrayd to be in Prayer without a Booke as if I had been to fight with a multitude of people but by this remedie of a good Booke which was as a Cōpanie of Guard or as a Buckler vpon which the blowes of manie thoughts were to be receaued I went on with comfort For that drynes vvas not ordinarie vvith me though I had it alwaies vvhensoeuer I had no Booke in my hand but then my soule was instantly in disorder and my thoughts vvandred vp and downe But vvith reading I beganne to recollect them and carried my hart chearfully and delightfully on yea and manie times in the verie opening my Booke I found myself need no more Sometimes also I read little and sometimes much according to the fauour which our Lord vvas pleased to doe me more or lesse And it seems to me that if in those beginnings whereof I speake I might haue had Bookes and meanes to continue in solitude there would haue been no danger which could haue been able to depriue me of so great a good And I am also apt to thinke that by the fauour of Almightie God it would haue proued so if I had had a Directour or some person who might haue counselled me to auoide occasions in those beginnings and to make me forsake them quickly if I had been entred into them yea and though the Diuel should then haue set openly vpon me I thinke that I would neuer haue been brought to offend God grieuously againe but he vvas so very craftie and I so wretched that all these resolutions of mine did me little good but the time vvhich I spent in Gods seruice did me very much towards the bearing those terrible sicknesses which I endured vvith so great patience as his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafed to bestow vpon me I haue often considered the great goodnes of Almightie God euen with amazement and my soule had been regaled to see the magnificence of his mercie towards me Let him be blessed for all things For I haue seen in most euident manner that he hath not left anie one good desire of mine without recompense euen in this life and how imperfect and full of fault soeuer my vvorkes vvere yet this Lord of mine vvent bettering and perfecting them and giuing them vvorth and my sinnes and miseries he vvould instantly hide Yea his Diuine Maiestie hath permitted that euen the eyes of such as saw them should be blinded and their memories faile vvhen they vvould remember them He euen guilds our faults and makes that vertue shine bright vvhich he the same Lord conueyes into me and vvherein he offers me euen a kind of violence that I may receaue it But I vvill now returne to speake of those things vvhich they haue commanded me to declare And I say that if I be to set forth after a particular manner in vvhat sort our Lord proceeded vvith me in these beginnings I shall need another manner of vnderstanding then mine owne to performe all that vvith aduantage for vvhich I am obliged to him in this particular and to publish mine owne ingratitude and vvickednes since he hath forgotten it all Let him be blessed for euer vvho hath endured so much at my hands Amen THE FIFTH CHAPTER She prosecutes the relation of the great infirmities vvhich she had and of the patience vvhich our Lord gaue her in them and hovv benefits are dravvne out of mischiefs as vvil be seen by a certaine particular vvhich hapened to her in the place vvhither she vvent to be cured I Forgot to relate how in the yeare of my Nouitiate I suffered much disquiet about some things which in themselues were of little importance but I found my self to be blamed manie times vvithout my hauing made anie fault and this I tooke vvith trouble and imperfection enough though yet I endured it all through the contentment which I had to be a Religious woeman When they obserued me to loue Solitude so vvell and saw me shed teares sometimes which yet indeed vvas for my sinnes they thought yea and they sayd that it grew but from some inward melancholie and disgust For my part I had a good inclination to all the obseruances of a Religious life saue only that I knew not how to endure anie thing vvhich might carrie so much as an apparance of contempt vvith it for I delighted in being esteemed
also with hauing begunne so to vse Prayer as that I might be able to carrie my paine with much conformitie to his holie will The conuersation of my hart was wholy with him and I carried these words of Iob very vsually both in my thought and in my mouth Since vve haue receaued blessings and benefits at the hand of our Lord vvhy should vve not also suffer afflictions And I conceaued that this holpe to giue me courage At length came the Feast of our B. Ladie in August for till then from the April before had my torment continued though yet it had been greater in the three last moneths I then made hast to goe to Confession for I euer tooke much contentment to Confesse often My friends thought that it was feare of death which inuited me to be so deuout and so to the end that I might not be put into apprehension my Father would not let mee Confesse O inordinate and irregular loue of flesh and bloud since though I had so Catholick a Father and so full of prudence and consideration in all his actions which euen abounded in him for this could not be an effect of ignorance yet he might haue donne me hurt enough by this meanes That night I fell into such a Trance as continued to keepe me neer foure dayes without the vse almost of anie of my senses and shortly they came to giue me the Sacrament of Extreame Vnction and euerie hower or rather euerie moment it was expected when I should expire they being as diligent in saying the Creede in my hearing as if I had vnderstood them yea sometimes they held me for so certainly to be dead that afterwards I found the drops of the holie Wax-candles about mine eyes The affliction of my Father was great for his not hauing permitted me to goe to Confession Manie outcryes and manie prayers were made to Almightie God for me and blessed be he who was pleased to heare them for the Graue remaining open in the Church of my Monasterie a day and a half where my bodie was expected to be interred and my Funerall hauing been already celebrated by the Religious men of our Order in another towne where it was conceaued that I was dead our Lord was yet pleased at length that I should teturne to my self and so instantly I would needs goe to confession I receaued also the B. Sacrament with manie teares though yet in my opinion they were not shed with that sense and grief for only my hauing offended Almightie God which might haue serued to saue my soule if the errour into which I was brought by them who had told me that they were not matters of mortall sinne which afterward I saw plainly that they were might not serue my turne For the torments wherewith I remained were intollerable and my vnderstanding not very sharpe but rather dull though yet as I conceaued my Confession were entire of all things whereby I might thinke that I had offended God For this mercie did his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafe to allow me amongst others that after I had once begunne to receaue the B. Sacrament I neuer omitted to Confesse anie thing which I conceaued to be a sinne though it were but Veniall Though yet still me thinkes that without doubt my soule might haue runne hazard not to be saued if I had dyed then in regard that on the one side my Ghostlie Fathers had been so meanly learned and on the other side and indeed on manie sides in regard that in my self I was so wicked But this is alwaies a most certaine truth that when I returne to a thought of this passage and consider how it seemes as if our Lord had raised me againe from death to life I am filled with so huge an amazement that I remaine euen as it were all quaking within my self And now me thinkes it were well O my soule that thou wouldst gather this iust resolution from that great danger out of which it pleased our Lord to deliuer thee that although thou wouldst not fly from offending his Diuine Maiestie for Loue yet at least thou shouldst forbeare to doe it for Feare For he might haue taken thy life from thee a thousand times when thou wert in a more dangerous state and I thinke that I should not say too much if I did speake of a thousand times more though he perhaps may chide me who commanded me to vse moderation in the recitall of my sinnes and yet I doubt that I haue painted them out too fauourably and faire But I begg of him for the loue of our Lord that he will not once thinke of making me diminish my faults because the magnificence of Almightie God is to be discerned thereby and how much he is pleased to suffer and endure from a soule Let him be Blessed for euer and let it also please his Diuine Maiestie that he may rather consume me quite then that I should euer leaue to loue him more THE SIXT CHAPTER She treates of hovv much she ovved our B. Lord for his giuing her Conformitie to his holie vvill in so great afflictions And hovv she tooke the glorious S. Ioseph for her Intercessour and hovv aduantagious that Deuotion proued to be I Remained during those foure dayes of Agonie or Trance in such state that only our B. Lord is able to know the vnsufferable torments which I felt in my self My toung was deeply bitten by me in manie places My throat with hauing taken nothing and by reason also of my very great weaknes could not swallow so much as a drop of water without choaking Me thought I was totally disioynted and my head in extreame disorder I was also as it were all rowled vp and contracted as if I had been a Bottome of Packthridd for in this did the torments of those dayes fixe themselues without my being able once to stirr either hand or foot arme or head vnlesse they moued me anie more then as if I had been dead Only I thinke I was able to wagg one single fingar of my right hand Now for anie bodie to touch me in anie kinde there was no meanes at all for my whole person was so affected and afflicted as that there was no enduring to haue it touched In a sheet they would be remouing me now and then according to the occasion with one at one end therof another at the other and this lasted till Easter Only this I had by way of ease that if I were not approached and touched these torments would be ceasing manie times and then vpon the account of my being in lesse paine I was content to affirme my self to be well But indeed I was much afrayd least my patience should beginne to faile me and therfore I was not a little pleased to find my self without those sharpe and continuall torments though yet I had them after an vnsupportable manner togeather with a very great detestation of food whilst I had those fierce colds which indeed
were extreamly fierce of a double Quartane which I was also then growne to haue About this time I made so very great hast to returne to the Monasterie that I got my self to be carried away as I was And they receaued her whome they expected for dead with a soule which was yet in the bodie but the bodie it self worse then dead through the paine they saw it endured The great extremitie of my weaknes cannot be related for I had nothing left but my skin and bones and I must say that I continued thus aboue eight moneths for I was directly a Cripple though yet I were then on the mending hand vpon the verie point of three yeares When now I began to goe vpon all foure I thanked God as for a good degree of amendment But I passed through all these afflictions with great cōformitie to the holie will of Almighty God yea and vnlesse it were in the verie beginnings with much alacritie and ioy For I esteemed it all as nothing being compared with those paines and torments wherein I had been before and I was wholy resigned then to God's holie will although he should haue left me in that state for euer I am of opinion that all the anxietie of my desire to recouer was only that I might apply my self to Prayer all alone as I had been instructed but for this there was no meanes in the Infirmarie I Confessed my sinnes very often I spake with them much of God in such sort as that it edifyed them all and indeed they were amazed to see the patience which our Lord imparted to me For if it had not come from the hand of his Diuine Maiestie it seemed a kinde of impossible thing to endure such a deale of torment with so much contentment A point of great moment that fauour was which our B. Lord had vouchsafed to doe me by giuing me Prayer for this made me come to know what it was to loue him and from that little time which I spent therein I found these vertues to be growne vp fresh in me though yet they were not strong nor able to hold me vpright in strict account I spake not ill of anie Creature how little soeuer it might be but my ordinarie custome was to auoide all manner of detraction for I alwaies had this thought present with me that I was neuer to wish nor to say anie such thing of anie Creature as I would not haue them say of me and I tooke this so extreamly to hart in all such occasions as might occurr though yet not still so very perfectly when sometimes anie great occasion was offered me to breake my Rule that this was my constant vse and I perswaded such as were wont to be much in my companie and conuersation so earnestly to this practise that it grew also vp with them into custome By this meanes it came to be commonly vnderstood that wheresoeuer I chanced to be all absent persons were safe and so were they also much more conceaued to be when anie of my neer friends or kindred or others whome I had instructed were concerned Though in other things I haue a great account to make to Almightie God for the ill example which I gaue them I beseech his Diuine Maiestie to forgiue those manie ill things whereof I haue been cause howsoeuer I was not so with so wicked intentions as the actions suceeded ill afterward I still remained with great liking to enioy Solitude and I also loued in particular manner to discourse and treat of things concerning Almighty God and if still I could find with whome that gaue me more contentment and euen recreation then all the politenes or rather I thinke I may say grossnes of the conuersation of the world could doe and I loued to Confesse and Communicate oftner then I had donne and to desire it much and to be extreamly affected with reading good Bookes and to haue so extraordinarie a sorrow for hauing offended Almightie God that manie times I remember how I durst not aduenture to put my self into Prayer because I feared that excessiue paine which I was sure I should feele in the qualitie of a great punishmēt for my offences And this grew afterward to such an extremitie that I know not to what in fine I may well compare this torment But now this neuer happened to me either more or less for anie feare at all but only when I remembred those regalo's which our Lord had been pleased to vouchsafe me in my Prayer and the verie much that I owed his Diuine Maiestie for those high Fauours and when I saw how ill I payd him for all his goodnes I was no longer able to endure it Yea and I found my self also extreamly offended with my self euen for the manie teares which I shed for the fault when I saw the so little amendment which I made whilst neither my resolutions nor the paine and care wherein I was not to fall back againe when once the occasion should be offered were sufficient to stay me For then euen my verie teates would seem deceiptfull to my verie self and my fault would also appeare so much the fowler because I saw the great fauour which our Lord was pleased to doe me by imparting those teares to mine eyes and so great repentance to my hart I procured also to Confesse my self often and so in my opinion I did what I could on my part to restore my self to the state of grace But all my miserie indeed consisted in that I pluckt not the occasions of Sinne vp by the root and partly also in those Ghostlie Fathers who assisted me little for if they had once directly declared to me the danger wherein I was from time to time and that I was in obligation not to haue passed my howers in such conuersations I am very confidently perswaded that all would haue been quickly redressed for I should neuer haue endured to passe one day in Mortall sinne if I had vnderstood the case All these signes and hopes of my endeauouring to feare and serue Almightie God were come to me by meanes of Prayer and the greatest of them all was that I walked as it were all wrapt vp in loue for as for the punishment of sinne it neuer once appeared before me All the while that I was so sick I continued to keep a very close guard vpon my Conscience for as much as might concerne Mortall Sinne. But O my deare Lord how vehemently did I desire to be restored to my health that I might procure to serue thee so much the better whereas yet in verie deed it was the occasion of all my miserie But now when I found my self so lame and euen such a Cripple and that whilst I was yet so very young and how the Phisitians of this world had dressed me and to what state they had brought me I resolued that I would apply my self to those of the other to the end that they might cure me for
Which they who were good might well enioy without any disaduantage to their goodnes because they owed no more since they did not promise Clausure but as for me who am wicked it would certainly haue carried me downe to Hell vnlesse our Lord had drawne me out of this danger by very manie remedies and meanes and most particular fauours And so me thinkes a Monasterie of woemen with libertie exposes them to very great hazard and rather appeares in mine eye as a way whereby they who haue a minde to be wicked may walke on towards Hell then as a remedie for their weaknes I meane not this by my Monasterie for therein are so manie who serue our Lord so much in earnest and with so great perfection that his Diuine Maiestie through his goodnes cannot faile of doing them fauour Neither is this Monasterie also of the most open and dis-enclosed and besides all good Religious Order is obserued in it but I speake what I was speaking of others which I know and haue seen I say therefore that those others giue me cause to haue great compassion of them for they haue need of particular motions and calls from our Lord and not once but very often that so they may be saued considering how much the honours and recreations of the world are now growne to be authorized and how little such as they are vnderstād the verie much to which they are obliged So that I beseech God they hold not that sometimes for vertue which is sinne as my self did often yea and there is so great difficultie in making this be well vnderstood that there is need of no lesse then that our Blessed Lord himself should seriously put his hand to the worke If Fathers would take my counsel since they will not procure to put their Daughters where they may walke in the way of saluation but rather be in more danger then they should perhaps haue mett with in the world I would aduise them at least to consider their owne honour and rather to marrie them very meanly then to put them into such Monasteries as those vnlesse they be very vertuously inclined yea and I pray God that euen this may serue the turne Yea or els let them rather continue them in their owne houses for if they will needs be wicked it cannot be there kept priuate but for a very short time but heer it may be long concealed though yet in the end our Lord is euer wont to discouer it and then they doe not only hurt themselues but also the rest and sometimes those poore Creatures haue the lesse fault because they doe but that which they find in vse But still it is matter of much compassion to see manie who haue really a minde to forsake all and conceaue that they goe to serue our Lord and to flye from the dangers of this world doe yet by this meanes grow to embarke themselues in ten worlds all togeather where they know not what to doe or how to helpe themselues For youth and sensualitie and in fine the Diuel both inuites them and inclines them to follow somethings which doe altogeather belong to a world and so in effect they come to hold them good Me thinkes in this they are like those miserable and wretched men the Hereticks who first make themselues blind and then giue themselues to vnderstand that those opinions which they follow are good and so they come to belieue them to be true though yet indeed and vpon the matter they belieue them not for in their harts there is somewhat which tells them still that it is naught O great miserie I say O extreame great miserie of Religious persons and I speake not heer of women now more then of men where Religious Obseruance is not kept and where in one and the self same Monasterie two wayes are held One of Vertue and Religious Life and another which is vtterly in want therof and where they all goe as it were equally hand in hand Or rather I sayd ill when I sayd equally for it vses to happen so for our Sinnes that the more imperfect make vp the greater number and so as they vse to be more they vse to be also more fauoured And true Religious Obseruance is wont to be so rare in those places that as well that Religious man as that Religious woeman who shall haue a minde to giue themselues wholy and in good earnest to follow their Vocation and Rule will haue cause to be in more feare of the rest of the Religious of their owne House then of all the Diuels in Hell Yea and they will need to vse more caution and dissimulation in speaking of that entercourse and friendship which such persons should procure to hold with Almightie God then of other inclinations and friendships which the Diuel findes meanes sometimes to bring into Monasteries I can therefore meet with no reason why we should be amazed to see so manie miseries in the Church since they who ought to be Patterns for others that so all men might grow to be vertuous by their example haue totally blotted out that Worke which the Spirit of the Saints in old time left registred in our Religious Orders And I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie that he will be pleased to giue such remedie to these mischiefs as he knowes best to be needfull Amen But in the meane time when I beganne to vse such conuersations as these I little thought that so great distractions and other dammages would grow to my Soule by that kind of proceeding when I saw they were so much vsed by others and I conceaued that so generall a thing as it is for Secular people to make Visits to the Religious in manie Monasteries would be of no greater preiudice to me then it was to others whome I saw to be vertuous and good But I considered not the while that those others were much more vertuous then my self and that those things which were of much danger to me were not perhaps of so very much to them though yet I feare it be of some and at the best hand I am sure enough that it is no better then time very ill employed and spent And being once with a certaine person our Lord was pleased to giue me to vnderstand in the verie beginning of my acquaintance with her that such friendships would be no way conuenient for me and to giue me also aduise and light in so great a darknes as that was For Christ our Lord represented himself before me with much rigour and gaue me well to vnderstand how greatly he was disgusted at my proceeding I saw him only with the eyes of my Soule but yet much more distinctly and more clearly then I could possibly haue donne with the eyes of my Bodie and he remained so deeply imprinted there that although it hapned to me aboue six and twentie yeares agoe me thinkes he is still as present to me now as he was then But I am sure
so hard that his affliction was very great I told him once vpon this occasion that since he had been so deuoted to that Mysterie when our Lord carried his Crosse vpon his Back he might doe well to conceaue that his Diuine Maiestie had been pleased to giue him a feeling of some part of that which himself had vndergone with so much trouble and my Father was so comforted by this thought that I remember him not to haue euer complained more He remained three dayes with very little shew of vnderstanding but yet the day whereon he dyed our Lord restored it to him that so entirely as we were all euen amazed to see it and he continued in it saying the Creed and as soone as he had passed through the first part thereof he expired When he was dead he looked euen like an Angell and as such in manner of speach he euer seemed in my sight to be both in Soule and disposition or humour which he had extreamly good Nor doe I know why I haue spoken thus much of him vnlesse it be to confesse and accuse mine owne wickednes so much the more since vpon the sight of such a death and the knowledge of such a life I ought to haue amended and reformed mine if it had been but to grow the liker to such a Father His Confessarius who was a Dominican and a great learned man affirmed that he made no doubt but that my Father would goe streight to Heauen for he who had Confessed him diuers yeares spake much of the great puritie of his Conscience This Dominican Father being a very worthie man and a true seruant of God did me a great deale of good for I Confessed my self to him and he vndertooke the profit of my Soule with care and to make me well vnderstand the way of perdition wherein I was walking He caused me also to Communicate euerie fifteen dayes and beginning first to treate with him by little and little I spoke with him afterward at length about my Prayer and he told me that I must not faile to vse it and that it could not by anie meanes but doe me good I beganne therefore to vse it againe and from that time forward I neuer left it though yet I did not for the present giue-ouer the occasions of my imperfections I therefore in the meane time passed a most sad life for in Prayer I came to vnderstand my faults On the one side I was called by Almightie God and on the other I followed the world All those things which belonged to God gaue me great contentment but those things which were of the World tyed me vp in chaines and it seemes I had a minde to make these two contraryes friends which yet are so much in enmitie with one another namely a Spirituall life on the one side and sensuall pastimes contentments and delights on the other In my Prayer I endured much trouble because now my Spirit was growne to be no longer a Lord but a Slaue and therefore I was not able to shut my self vp in my hart which was the onlie way of proceeding I formerly had held in my vse of Prayer without shutting vp a thousand vanities togeather with my self I passed so manie yeares in this manner that now I am astonished to consider that anie person should be able to endure the not leauing either the one or the other in so long a time I well know that now it was no longer in my hand to giue ouer Mentall Prayer for he held me now in his who resolued to doe me greater fauours O that I could declare the occasions of doing ill which God remoued from me in those yeares and how I put my self againe into them and of the danger wherein I was to loose all the opinion and reputation which I had in the world from which he freed me and of the hast which I made to discouer by my actions what kinde of Creature I was and the hast which our Lord made also to couer these faults and to discouer some little vertue of mine if there were anie and to make the same seem great in the eyes of all men in such sort as that they euer held me in much account For though sometimes my vanities would shine through my actions yet they seeing other things in me which appeared good would not belieue the ill But the true cause heerof was that the knower of all things saw that this was fitt to be so ordained to the end that when afterward I should come to perswade the world to doe him seruice they might giue me some little credit therin And that Soueraigne Bountie of God did not so much consider my great sinnes as it did those desires which I had sometimes to serue him and the great trouble I felt in my self for wanting power and strength to put the same in execution But O thou Lord of my Soule and how shall I euer be able to expresse with fulnes and clearnes enough the fauours which thou shewedst me in those yeares and how in that verie time when I was offending thee most thou madest such hast to dispose my Soule to a most profound remorse and sorrow that so I might come to tast of thy regalo's and great fauours againe The truth is O my King that thou didst vse the most curious and choice kinde of sharp punishment which could possibly to my thinking be found for me as one who didst well vnderstand what was likelie to cost me the dearest of all other things for thou didst punish those sinnes of mine with great regalo's And I thinke it is no impertinencie which I vtter though yet it were a kind of reason that I should now euen as it were loose my witts whilst I renew the memorie of my ingratitude and malice towards thee But really it vvas so much a more painefull and insupportable kinde of thing for me to receaue such fauours vpon the verie neck of my hauing falne into so great offences then it would haue been to endure grieuous punishments that some one of those sayd fauours so receaued seemes clearly and very certainly to haue euen ouer-wrought and defeated and confounded me more then all my infirmities and torments and other afflictions put togeather vvere euer able to doe For as for these latter afflictions I found that I deserued them vvell and I thought they might goe in part by vvay of satisfaction for my sinnes though yet euen in that kinde of account I know that my sufferances vvere few for my offences vvhich vvere so manie and so very great But now to see my self receauing so freshly so high fauours vvhilst yet the vvhile I made so ill retribution for those vvhich I had receaued before is in my account a kinde of most terrible torment and I thinke it vvill be esteemed so by all such as haue anie knowledge or loue of God and vve may easily finde this to be true euen by the naturall condition of persons
our Lord himself beares their charges since for the little paines they take he giues them so much gust that so they may the better be able to endure the taking of that paines in his company Of these gusts which our Lord is pleased to giue to such as perseuer in the exercise of Mentall Prayer there shall be more discourse heerafter and I will not make it heer Only this I will be bold to say that of all those so great fauours which it euer pleased our Lord to doe me the verie Gate was Prayer and if that come once to be shut I know not how God shall doe vs fauours For though he should haue a minde to enter into a Soule to regale both it and himself in it there is no meanes by which to doe it since he must haue it all to himself and it must be cleane and pure and it must also haue a great desire to receaue fauours And if our selues on the other side bring manie impediments and take no course to remoue them how shall we euer thinke he can come to vs and how can we conceaue that he will help vs Now to the end that his mercie may be seen and the great benefit which it was for me not to haue giuen ouer my Praying and Reading I will heer declare since the vnderstanding of it imports so much what batterie the Diuel raises against a Soule to gaine it and what diligences and as it were art and mercie is vsed by B. Lord for procuring to reduce it to himself that so others may preserue themselues from those dangers from which I kept not my self And aboue all things I humbly desire men for that great loue wherewith our Lord goes endeauouring to winne vs back againe to himself that they will keep themselues carefully out of the occasions of Sinne for when once we are engaged therein there is no trust or confidence to be had where we are encountred and assaulted by so manie enemies whilst we the while are subiect to such weaknes which disables vs to make anie defence I would faine be able heer to make a draught and description of that captiuitie wherein my Soule was at those times for I well vnderstood my self to be in captiuitie and yet I could not tell very well to what I whas a Slaue nor could I entirely belieue that that which my Confessours thought fitt to aggrauate no more was so very ill as yet I was apt to find it A certaine person told me when I went to him once with a scruple that although I were in state of vsing high Contemplation yet such occasions and conuersations were of no inconuenience to me This hapned to me towards the latter end when I by the fauour of God vvent separating my self more and more from great dangers but yet I did not vvholy auoid occasions But now vvhen they obserued my good desires and my exercise of Mentall Prayer they thought I did great matters but as for me my Soule vnderstood vvell enough that it vvas not so much as to performe what I vvas obliged for one to vvhome I owed so much I haue now both pittie and grief to consider hovv much my Soule suffered at that time and the little help it gott from anie but Almightie God besides the great facilities and ouuertures vvhich they made for me towards certaine pastimes and contentments by making me belieue that they vvere lavvfull But novv the torment also vvhich I had by hearing Sermons vvas not little for I had a great affection to heare them in such sort that if I savv anie man preach with spirit very well I carried a most particular affection to him and that without anie endeauour of mine nor doe I know how I came to haue it Me thought no Sermon seemed so ill to me which I could not gladly heare though others would be of opinion that he preached not well but then if the Sermon were good it gaue me a very particular satisfaction To speake of God or heare him spoken of did in effect neuer wearie me I meane after I had once begunne to vse Mentall Prayer Yet on the one side I was much comforted with hearing Sermons but on the other side they tormented me because I vnderstood thereby that I was not by manie degrees anie such Creature as I ought to haue been I humbly begged of our B. Lord that he would help me but I belieue by what I can now coniecture that I was wanting in the point of placing all my confidence in his Diuine Maiestie and totally disconfiding in my self I sought for remedie and I vsed manie diligences but I vnderstood not that all is good for nothing vnless first we stripp our selues entirely of all confidence in our selues and lodge it all vpon Almightie God I desired to liue a true life for then I vnderstood well enough that indeed I did not liue but that I fought with the verie shaddow of death But there was no bodie who would giue me life and as for me I was not able to take it and he who was only able to giue it had no reason to bring me succour since he hauing drawne me to himself so very often I had yet forsaken him THE NINTH CHAPTER She declares by vvhat meanes our Lord beganne to avvake her Soule and giue her light in so great darknes and to strengthen also her Vertues that so she might offend him no more BVt now my Soule was already growne to be very wearie and yet the ill habits which I had made the ill customes which I had vsed would not permit her to be vnwearied and take rest It hapned to me one day vpon my going into the Oratorie that I saw a Picture vvhich had been brought in thither to be kept for they had borrowed it to serue for a certaine Festiuitie vvhich vvas to be celebrated in the House about that time The Picture vvas of Christ our Lord full of vvounds soares and it vvas so deuoutly made that vvhen I looked vpon it it moued me much for it represented very vvell vvhat he had endured for vs. And the sense of the little gratitude to our Lord vvhich I had conceaued and expressed for those vvounds of his vvas such that me thought my verie hart did euen splitt And I cast my self earnestly downe neer the Picture vvith a great showre of teares beseeching our Lord humbly and earnestly that he vvould strengthen me so farre once for all as that at length I might offend him no more I was besides very much deuoted to the glorious S. Marie Magdalen and I thought much and often of her Conuersion and especially vvhensoeuer I receaued the B. Sacrament For knowing at that time that our Lord vvas most certainly in my verie bosome I placed my self at his feet as conceauing that my teares vvould not be despised by him I know not very vvell vvhat I sayd but yet I know that he vvho vvas pleased
that I should shed those teares did shew me fauour enough for his part since I forgot the sense and tendernes thereof so soone And I recommended my self to that glorious Saint that she might help me to obtaine pardon of my Sinnes But I conceaue that I profited the more in that last time vvhen I prayed before the Picture because then I vvas growne into very great distrust of my self and placed all my confidence in Almightie God To my thinking I told him then that I vvould neuer rise from thence till he granted me the humble Suite which I had made and I am fully of opinion that it did me good for I haue gone improuing much euer since that time Now I continued to hold this manner of Prayer because not being able to discourse with my Vnderstanding I procured to represent Christ our Lord to my minde as being then within my verie self and Ieuer also found it to proue better with me in my opinion when I conceaued my self to find him all alone For he being alone and I being so much afflicted me thought he was to admitt me yea and to assist me too as a person who was in necessitie and miserie Of this kind of Simplicities I had manie and in particular I vsed to find my self very well in the Prayer of the Garden yea and I was in my kingdome when I might accōpanie him there I thought also much vpon that Sweat togeather with the great affliction which he sustained then and I wished that I might haue been permitted to wipe that most painefull Sweat from his face but I remember how in fine I neuer durst resolue to presume to doe it so grieuously did my Sinnes represent themselues to me Howsoeuer I remained there by him as long as my thoughts would giue me leaue but the truth is I had store of such as tormented me Most nights during manie yeares before I went to rest and when I was recommending my self to God ere I slept I euer thought a little vpon this passage of his Prayer in the Garden and that euen before I was a Religious woeman for they told me that I might gaine manie Indulgences by it and at least I am of opinion that my Soule got much by this meanes because thus I beganne to make Mentall Prayer euen without expresly knowing what it was and then it was as vsuall for me not to omitt this custome as not to faile of blessing my self with the Signe of the Crosse before sleep But to returne to what I was saying of the torment which my thoughts were wont to giue me This māner of proceeding without discourse of the Vnderstāding hath this in it That the Soule must both gaine much and loose much I meane all consideration and discourse is lost for as for profiting they profit much who vse it since all such Prayer is Loue. But to ariue to this point pitch it will cost euerie bodie a great deale of paines except such as our Lord vouchsafes to conduct in a short time to Quiet Prayer of which kind I know some and for them who goe by this way it will be good to haue some Booke or other at hand that so they may recollect themselues quickly As for me it did me also good to looke vpon Fields or Flowers or Water for in these things did I find the memorie of our Creatour as I also did in mine owne ingratitude and Sinnes all which particulars were wont to awake me and recollect me and to serue me in stead of a Booke for as for Heauen and such high things as that my Vnderstāding was so dull that I could neuer I say neuer be able to haue or frame anie imagination or fancie concerning them till our Lord represented them to me by other meanes And I had so very little abilitie to represent things to my minde by way of the vnderstanding-part that my Imagination serued me not to worke vpon anie thing but only what I saw with mine eyes which yet others are able enough to doe who know how to forme certaine representations of things to themselues vpon which they can recollect their thoughts For my part I could only thinke vpon Christ our Lord as man but yet it is very true that how much soeuer I read of his Beautie or saw his Pictures yet could I neuer represent him to my self but iust so as one who were either in the darke or els stark blind might be able at that verie time to represent anie other person to himself For though such an one may speake with such another know that he is with that person because he is sure that the sayd person is there yet in fine he doth but vnderstand and belieue him to be there for he sees him not and in this sort did it happen to me when I thought of our Lord. Vpon this reason was I so great a friend and fauourer of the vse of Images or holie Pictures Miserable Creatures are they who loose this benefit through their owne fault And it appeares also well enough that they doe not loue our Lord for if they loued him they would be glad to see his Picture as heer it giues vs contentment so see the pictures of those persons whome we loue About this time they gaue me the Confessions of S. Augustin and it seems our Lord did so ordaine it for neither did I procure them nor had I euer seen them I bare a very great affection to this Saint because the Monasterie where I liued before I grew to be Religious was of his Order and besides in regard that he had been a Sinner for I alwaies found particular comfort in those Saints who after hauing been Sinners were conuerted to our Lord as conceauing that I should haue help by their meanes and that our Lord might also be induced to forgiue me as he had done them Saue only that I was discomforted by this consideration as I haue sayd before that our Lord called them but once and they returned not to fall from him anie more but as for me I had falne so often that it afflicted me to the verie hart But yet still when I considered the loue he bore me I grew to be encouraged againe for I neuer distrusted his mercie though I doubted of my self very often O my deare Lord how mightily doth that obstinate stiffnes amaze me to which my Soule must needs haue been subiect whilst it receaued so manie helps at thy hand and all in vaine And it strikes me with much feare to consider how little I was able to winne vpon my self all that while and how I remained still bound vp from resoluing to giue my self vvholy to thee But vvhen once I beganne to read the sayd Confessions me thought that Case vvhich had been his vvas also now directly mine owne and I recommended my self much to that glorious Saint But vvhen I came aftervvard to his Conuersion and read hovv he heard that Voice
our Lord will seeme to haue brought them so vpon vs as that we were not able to resist them Now it seems that his Diuine Maiestie is pleased to pay vs heer for the little poore care we tooke to serue him with so high a guift as that comfort is which he bestowes vpon a Soule who sees her self able to lament weep for hauing offended so great a Lord. And I wonder not a whitt at this for me thinkes she hath reason enough and to spare for receauing ioy and comfort vpon this occasion There doth the Soule reioyce there doth she regale her self I like that Cōparison well which offers it self to me now That these ioyes of Prayer should be somewhat like those others which are in Heauen For as they see no more there then God is pleased that they shall see according to their deserts they acknowledging how small those deserts are euerie one of them is highly well content with the place wherein he is though yet there be an excessiue differēce betweē the ioyes of some and of others in Heauen yea much more then there is between some spirituall ioyes and others heer on earth which yet is very great And really a Soule when God doth her this Fauour at first is very apt to thinke that there remaines no more then to be desired and she esteems her self then to be abundantly satisfyed for all the seruice which euer she was able to pay Almightie God and I finde that she hath at least reason enough to thinke so For euen one of those single teares which yet we may after a sort procure in some part euen of our selues though still without the assistance and fauour of God we can doe absolutly nothing at all cannot be payd for and purchased in my opinion with all the labours and troubles of the world For a Soule gaines much by them and indeed what greater gaine can possibly anie Creature acquire then to haue some kinde of testimonie that she is pleasing to Almightie God So that let whosoeuer shall arriue to this point praise God very much and acknowledge himself to be mightily in his Debt for already there is good apparance that his Diuine Maiestie designes such a person for his seruice in his owne House and hath chosen him for his Kingdome without intētion that he shall turne his back from him anie more And let vs not care for certaine odd Humilities which be in the world whereof I intend to treat For some will needs esteem it to be Humilitie not to vnderstand those Guifts which our Lord is bestowing vpon them But as for vs let vs well and very well know how the Case stands with vs Namely that Almightie God bestowes them vpon vs without anie merit at all of ours and let vs be thankfull to his Diuine Maiestie for them For if we know not what fauour we receaue we shall not stirre our selues vp to loue him for them as we ought For it is a most certaine truth that the better we finde that we are rich knowing first that of our selues we are poore we grow to profit so much the more yea and euen our very Humilitie will proue to be more entire and sincere That other course serues but to accowardize the minde and to make it hold it self vncapable of receauing great benefits if our Lord beginning once to bestow them it shall also beginne to fright it self by a feare of Vaine-Glorie But let vs rather belieue that he who doth vs so great Fauours will giue vs also grace that if the Diuel tempt vs vpon these occasions we shall haue knowledge how to vnderstand him and strength from God how to resist him I meane if we goe on with plainenes and sinceritie as in the sight of Almightie God pretending euer to content him only without respect to men For it is a very euident and certaine truth that we loue a person the better when we remember very freshly what benefits we haue receaued at his hands And if it be both lawfull and meritorious for vs to be euer keeping in memorie that we haue our verie Being from Almightie God and that he created vs of nothing and that he vpholds vs still togeather with all those other benefits of his Passion and Death which he endured for euerie one of vs who are now aliue long before we were borne why should it not be also lawfull for me who was wont to treat of nothing but vanities to vnderstand and see and consider these things often especially when now our Lord allowes me so great a blessing as that I would not willingly euen so much as speake of anie thing but of him And now behold heer a rich Iewel which remembring that it is bestowed vpon vs and that already we are in possession thereof inuites and euen obliges vs to loue our Blessed Lord And this in fine is the totall good of that Prayer which is grounded vpon Humilitie But what will then occurr when they shall finde that other more precious Iewels are come into their power and possession which our Lord imparts to some of his seruants as namely a profund contempt both of the whole world yea and of themselues It is cleare that in this case we must hold our selues for deeper debtours and more obliged to serue him and to vnderstand that of our selues we had no part of this Treasure at all and to know the great bountie of our Blessed Lord who to a Soule so wicked and so absolutly without all merit as mine for which the first of those Iewels aforesayd was not only sufficient but by much too great would yet needs load mee still with greater treasures then I could euen tell how to desire We must in such cases as these procure to get new strength wherewith to serue him and by no meanes to be vngratefull for our Lord giues them euer vpon this condition that if we vse not well that treasure and high place wherein he puts vs he will stripp vs of them againe and as for our parts we shall come to be more poore then euer we were so his Diuine Maiestie will dispense his Treasures to such others as he shall thinke fitt who may benefit both themselues and others by the good vse thereof But now how shall that man improue his owne Stock and spend thereof with latitude of hart vpon others whilst yet he is not come so farr as to know that himself is rich It is in my opinion an impossible kinde of thing considering the grounds of Humane Nature for one to doe great and goodlie things if he vnderstand not himself to be fauoured by Almightie God for we are so miserable Creatures and so inclined to delight in things of this world that we can hardly abhorre effectually all that which heer we enioy and especially to doe it with great libertie of Spirit if we vnderstand not out selues to haue some kind of tast or pawne concerning Heauenlie
things for by meanes of such blessings as these doth our Lord impart that Fortitude to vs which we lost by our Sinnes And he should but vnluckily desire and exhort a man to despise and abhorre the world and encourage him to acquire all those great vertues which Christians of high perfection vse to possesse if he were not vpheld therein by a Liuelie Faith and by his hauing also felt some assurance of the loue which our Lord was pleased to beare him For naturally we are so very dead that we looke not after anie thing but that which we see at the present and so these verie Fauours are the things which awake strengthen our Faith I say not but that it may very well be that I being so very wicked am apt to iudge of others by my self that those others may need no more then the verie light and truth of Faith for the making their workes very perfect but I as very miserable haue beē in need of all possible helps Others may well say what they please but I relate what hath occurred to me as they who haue power ouer me cōmand and if he to whome I send it doe not like it he may teare it as knowing better then I what is vnfitt Whome I humbly beseech euen for the loue of our Blessed Lord that whatsoeuer I haue sayd hitherto concerning my wicked Life and my Sinnes he will publish it and from this instant I giue leaue both to him and all them who haue been my Ghostlie Fathers of which number he is to whome this goes addressed that they doe it euen now whilst I am liuing to the end that euen now I may deceaue the vvorld no longer vvhich els perhaps may thinke that there is some good thing in me and really and very really I speake truth to the best that I can novv vnderstand of my self that he shall giue me great comfort if he vvill doe it But as for that vvhich shall follovv heerafter in this Discourse I allovv him no such libertie at all nor vvill I by anie meanes giue vvay that if they chance to shevv the thing to anie Creature they declare vvho that person is vvith vvhome it passed nor vvho vvrote it and for this reason haue I forborne to name either my self or anie other vvho hath interuened to the Storie But I haue done the best I could to vvrite it so as that I may not be knowne and I desire for the loue of our Lord that it may euer remaine as a Secret For it vvill suffice that there are so learned and graue persons as may authorize anie thing vvhich is good if our Lord vvill giue me grace to relate it and if there be it must be his and not mine for they only vvho command me to vvrite it knovv that I vvrite it and at the present they are not heer and I vvrite it also as it vvere by stealth and vvith vvant of time and vvith some trouble because I am kept from spinning and I liue in a poore House and haue busines enough and if our Lord gaue me more abilitie and memorie of both vvhich I haue very little I might yet by meanes thereof serue my self of vvhat I had heard or read So that if I say anie thing vvhich is good our Lord vvill serue himself of it for some good end but vvhatsoeuer is ill sayd vvill be mine owne and that your Reuerence may blot out And both for the one and for the other there vvill be no reason at all to declare my name During anie bodies life it is cleare that the good he doth is not to be related and after death it vvill also serue for nothing in this case but only to make it loose all authoritie and credit for hauing been recounted by a person so base and so vvicked as my self And because I hope you vvill doe that vvhich I say and I humbly beg it of you euen for the loue of our Lord and of those others also vvho are to see it I write as you see vvith all libertie and clearnes for otherwise I should haue great scruple to doe it but only for the meer declaration of my Sinnes and in that I haue none at all As for other things it is enough that I am a woemā to make my wings fall downe flatt by my sides and hovv much more then since I am not only a weoman but a wicked woeman And therefore whatsoeuer your Reuerence shall finde heer beyond the bare relation of the course of my Life you must take to be only for your self since you would needs importune me so farre as to make you some declaration of the Fauours which our Lord had been pleased to doe me in Prayer supposing euer that you hold them to be in conformitie with the Truths of our Holie Catholick Faith for if not you are instantly to burne it and to this Direction I will stand So that I will declare what passed with me in this kinde to the end that if it shall proue conforme to Catholick truth it may be of some seruice to you and if not that you may be the better able to vndeceaue my Soule and so the Diuel may get nothing by that whereby I tooke my self to gaine For our Lord knowes that I euer haue procured to meet with persons who might giue me light as I shall shew afterward But how clearly soeuer I shall striue to declare these things concerning Prayer it will fall out to be obscure enough for such as haue no experience therein I will touch also vpon some impediments which according to my way of vnderstanding vse to oppose themselues against such persons as are walking on in this way and I will also point at some others in which there may be some danger according to what our Lord hath taught me by experience And I haue since treated with great learned men and persons who had giuen themselues to Spirit manie yeares and they see that his Diuine Maiestie hath vouchsafed me in seauen and twentie yeares wherein I haue vsed Mētall Prayer though I haue walked on so ill with so manie stumbling blocks in the way that experience which he hath not allowed to others in seauen and thirtie yea and in seauen and fourtie yeares whilst yet they had spent their liues in Pennance and euer in a course of Vertue Let him be Blessed for all and I be seech his Diuine Maiestie euen by what he is himself that he will vouchsafe to be serued by me For my deare Lord knowes very well that I pretend no other thing by this but only that he may be a little the more exalted and praised when you see that he would needs plant a Garden of so sweet Flowers vpon and in a Dung-hill so fowle and filthie and of so very ill fauour as I am I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie that I returne not through my fault to pluck them all vp by the rootes and so become againe
delighting and enioying though yet still both the First and the two Middle ones and euen the Last haue all of them their seuerall Crosses to carry yet in a different kind But in fine all they who will follow Christ our Lord must goe by that verie way where he went vnlesse they will haue a minde to be lost And happie are those troubles which be endured heer since euen heer they are so superabundantly recompensed and payd I must now serue my self of some Comparison which yet I would be glad to forbeare in regard that I am a woeman and would faine set that downe very simply and plainly which they command me to say But this language of Spirit is so very hard to be declared by such as are vnlearned like me that I must seek some particular way how to doe it And it is likelie that I shall seldome hitt tight in making the Comparison serue but in that case it may passe for your recreation to see how very improper and rude I am To my remembrance I haue either read or heard this Comparison which followes heer for my memorie is so very imperfect that I know not how nor vpon what occasion I mett with it first but it contents me at least for the present in order to what I haue in hand He who beginnes in the way of Prayer must conceiue that he is beginning to frame an Orchard or Garden for the contentment and delight of his Lord though yet it be in a very vnfruitfull Soile and full of Weeds His Diuine Maiestie now is he who must be pleased to plant good Hearbes and root the ill ones vp But now wee will make account that this is done already in our case when a Soule not only resolues to vse Prayer but hath already begunne to vse it And now by the help of our Lord we must procure like carefull Gardners that these good Herbes which are planted may grow and we must take care to water them that so they may not wither but may come to yeild Flowers of so excellent odour as may serue to be of recreation to this Lord of ours that so he may take pleasure to come often into this Garden of his and delight himself amongst these vertues of our Soules Now let vs see in what sort these Flowers may be watred that so we may come to vnderstand what we are to doe and what trouble it is likelie to cost and whether the gaine will proue to be more then the labour and how long it will be likely to last As for me it occurrs to me to thinke that these Plants may be watred by fowre wayes Either by drawing water out of a Well which wee cannot doe without much labour or by way of a Wheele with certaine little Buekets belonging to it which is easily turned about by the hand and my self haue drawne some thus now and then and I find that it brings vp more water with lesse trouble then doth that of the former way Or els by meanes of letting in some little Brooke or Riuer into the Garden and by this meanes the Garden is watred much better then by the former and the earth remaines with more moisture and there will not be need to water it so often and the labour also of the Gardner is much lesse Or els in fine when there falls a good Showre of Rayne vpon the Garden for then the Lord himself waters it without anie labour at all of ours and this is without comparison the very farr best way of all the fowre But now for applying these foure wayes of vseing Water whereby this Garden of ours is to be preserued because a Garden without water is to perish that which me thinkes is to our purpose is that we may by this Similitude declare somewhat of these foure degrees of Prayer into which our Lord through his goodnes hath sometimes brought my Soule And I humbly beseech him of his mercie that I may hitt right vpon what I am about to say in such sort as that it may be of vse and profit to one of those persons who commanded me to write thus much and whome our Lord hath drawne further on in foure moneths then I was able to get in seauenteen yeares But certainly he disposed himself better and so the Gardner hath watred his Orchard without anie trouble at all to the Partie with all these foure kindes of Water though the last of the foure haue not yet come to his turne but by drops But the busines goes on in such sort that by the fauour and help of our Lord he will quickly ingulfe himself therein and I shall be hartily glad if he laugh at me in case he finde the manner of my declaring this Point in question to haue been impertinent Of them who beginne to hold Prayer we may say that those are the persōs who draw water out of the Well which vses to be very troublesome as I haue sayd for they are likelie to take much paines about recollecting their Senses which hauing been vsed to wander and goe scattered vp and downe it is wont to be of trouble enough These men haue therefore need to goe accustoming themselues not to desire to see or heare impertinent things and to obserue their howers of Prayer and to loue to be alone and to consider the life which they haue lead and to doe it hand to hand by themselues And though all these whether they be either of the First Degree or of the Last are to employ themselues vpon these thoughts very often yet there is to be of the more and of the lesse in these cogitations as I will shew afterward At first they are wont to be in some paine because they vse not to be fully enough satisfyed that they repent themselues sufficiently of their Sinnes and yet they faile not to doe it since they resolue to serue Almightie God in so very good earnest They must procure to meditate much vpon the Life of Christ our Lord though the Vnderstanding will perhaps be wearie of this But yet hitherto we may be able to be of some help to our selues I meane togeather with the fauour of our Lord for without this the world knowes well enough that we are not able so much as to haue a good thought Now This is to beginne to draw Water out of a Well and I pray God there fall out to be any but at least the fault is not ours if there be none since we endeauour to draw it and since we doe what we can towards the watring of these Flowers And Almightie God is so very good that when for reasons best knowne to his Diuine Maiestie yea and perhaps euen for our owne greater good he will haue this Well to be dry he is pleased so that still we doe our parts like good Gardners to sustaine these Flowers without anie Water at all and to make our vertues grow I meane heer by Water Teares whereof
there may peraduenture be none as also no tendernes or inward feeling of Deuotion But what shall he doe now who sees that for the space of a long time there is nothing but drynes and disgust and displeasure and so little deuotion also to goe draw anie more Water out of the Well For certainly if he did not remember that he doth some kind of pleasure and seruice to the Lord of the Garden and did not take care not to loose all the labour which he hath already vndergone and the hope also of getting more by so great paines as he takes to cast the Bucket so often into the Well and to bring it back without anie water at all without doubt he would giue ouer outright And manie times it shall also happen to him vpon this occasion that he will not so much as stirr his hand nor will he be able so much as to continue in one good thought for already it is to be granted that this way of working by the employment of the Vnderstanding is a striuing to draw Water out of a Well But now as I was saying what is the Gardner to doe in this case I answer that he is to reioyce and to receaue much comfort and to esteem it for an incomparable Fauour that he may be suffered to labour and worke in the Garden of so great an Emperour as God is And since he knowes that he giues contentment to his Diuine Maiestie thereby for the gust seruice of God not the Gardners owne is to be his maine and finall scope let him giue God glorie and praise who proceeds with him and treats him in so confident a manner since he giues him grace to haue so great care of doing that which he recommended to him though he doe not pay him yet for his paines And let this Gardner still help our Lord to carrie his Crosse and remember that the same Lord liued and lay vpon the same Crosse all his life And let not this man desire to enioy his Kingdome heer in this World nor euer once giue-ouer his Prayer but let him rather resolue that though his drynes of sensible indeuotion should last with him as long as his life yet he will neuer giue occasion that Christ our Lord should fall downe with his Crosse For at least the time will certainly come when he shall receaue all his wages at one payment and let him neuer feare that his labour can possibly be lost for he serues a very good Master who stands looking earnestly vpon him And let him make no account at all of ill thoughts but consider that the Diuel did also vex S. Hierome with them in the verie Wildernes But those labours haue their price and recompence set out for them and I assure you as a person who haue spent manie yeares in the feeling therof that when sometimes I came to draw and get but some one single drop of water out of this blessed Well I thought that God did me a great Fauour I know well that these troubles are very great and I conceaue that there is more need of courage for supporting them then for manie other things of this world but yet I haue seen clearly that God leaues them not without great reward euen in this life For it is most certaine that with one of these howers of gust of himself which he hath giuen me heer afterwards I esteem all those sad afflictions to haue been very well rewarded which I sustained in all the former time of my continuing the vse of Prayer As for me I hold that our Lord will giue these torments togeather with manie other temptations which occurr manie times in the beginning and at other times towards the end to try who are his true Louers and to know if they can drinke of his Chalice and will help him to beare his Crosse before he will depositate so great treasures in them And I conceaue that his Diuine Maiestie is resolued to carrie vs on by this way to the end that we may first vnderstand well how little we are worth for the Fauours which sometimes he imparts afterward are of so great dignitie that he will first haue vs see our miserie by experience before he impart those great Fauours to vs least otherwise that should happen to vs which did to Lucifer But what is it O my Lord which thou art doing Were it not better for the good of that Soule which thou knowest to be already thine and which puts it self into thy hands to follow thee whithersoeuer thou wilt goe though it were euen to the verie death of the Crosse and to resolue to help thee to carrie it and neuer to leaue thee alone vnder that burthen No for whosoeuer findes this resolution in himself hath nothing left for him to feare Spirituall persons haue no reason at all to be afflicted who are already placed in so eminent condition as it is to treat with God hand to hand and to forsake the idle pastimes of this world The greatest part of your busines is dispatcht already and praise you his Diuine Maiestie for the same and confide very fully in his goodnes for he neuer yet failed his friends Shut-vp the eyes of your Minde from considering why he giues sensible deuotion to another in so few dayes and not to me in so manie yeares Let vs belieue and know that all this is done by him for our greater good and let his Diuine Maiestie conduct vs by what way he will for now we are no longer our owne but his and he doth vs Fauour enough in permitting vs to digg in his Garden and to suffer vs to be so neer the Lord thereof For it is certaine that he remaines with vs and whether he be pleased that the Plants and Flowers of his Garden may grow or not grow either more or lesse what is that to the purpose Doe thou dispose so of things O Lord as shall please thee best and let me only not offend thee nor let my vertues be lost if thou haue giuen me anie I am resolued O Lord to suffer since thou wouldst suffer and thy Will be accomplished in me in all kindes and let not thy Diuine Maiestie be pleased that a thing of so high value as thy Loue may euer be giuen to anie such people as will not serue thee but only for delights and gusts It is heer to be noted much and I speake it because I know the truth of it by experience that the Soule which beginnes to walke in this way of Mentall Prayer with firme purpose can bring her self once to a finall resolution neither to be comforted nor discomforted greatly because our Lord doth either giue or not giue these spirituall gusts or tendernes of deuotion hath already passed through a very great part of his way And let him not once thinke of turning back how much soeuer he may faulter or stūble for his Building is layd and grounded vpon
Credo though yet still not by way of Discourse then we could tell how to vnderstand with all our humane diligences of this world in the compasse of manie yeares But now to exercise and employ the Powers of the Minde and yet the while to thinke of making them stand at a stay is a sensles kind of fancie and foolerie And I say and say againe though perhaps it be not well vnderstood that this is no act of anie great Humilitie and though it should not be guiltie of being a fault yet it will not faile to be subiect to the punishment for at least it will be all labour lost and the Soule findes it self to remaine with an odd little kinde of disgust as when a man goes to leape when yet men hold him fast by the back For such an one seemes already to haue employed all his strength to doe somewhat which he desired and yet findes himself without effecting what he pretended And so whosoeuer will consider the matter well shall come to discerne by the slender gaine which he made this little half inuisible dust of the want of Humilitie whereof I spake For in fine this vertue hath that excellencie amongst others in it That there is no worke or action in the world if it be accompanied with that vertue which will euer leaue the Soule in disgust There were diuers yeares when I was wont to reade manie things and yet vnderstood none of them all and there was afterward also a long time when though God gaue me abilitie to vnderstand yet could I not speake a word wherewith to make it be vnderstood by others and this point cost me no small labour But when his Diuine Maiestie hath a minde to teach it he doth it so all at an instant that I am amazed And one thing I can say with much truth that though I spake with manie Spirituall persons who had a minde to make me vnderstand what our Lord imparted to me that so I might the better declare things in particular and cleare manner to them it is certaine that my dulnes was so great as that their discourse was not of anie vse to me at all And perhaps our Blessed Lord as his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafed still to be my Master let him be blessed for euer since it is confusion enough for me to be able to say thus much with truth was pleased that I should haue no bodie to thanke for it but himself and that without my desiring or euen wishing it for in this I was not a whitt curious wherein it might haue been a vertue to be so but I was so about the vanities of the world he would giue me to vnderstand and comprehend it with all claritie yea and so as that I could vnfold it also to others in such sort as that men were amazed at it and my self more then anie of my Ghostlie Fathers because I vnderstood mine owne dulnes better then they Nor is it anie long time since this hapned to me and so I procure not to know those things which our Lord hath not taught me but I only consider and take care of them so farre as whereby my Conscience may be concerned I returne yet once againe to aduise and declare that it will import vs very much not to eleuate and raise our Spirit vnlesse our Lord be pleased to eleuate and raise it which if he doe it will instantly be vnderstood and especially this is more dangerous for woemen for the Diuel may bring some illusion vpon them though yet withall I hold it for very certaine that our Lord will not permitt that the Diuel should be able to hurt anie such person as shall procure to approach his Diuine Maiestie with Humilitie but rather that he shall be able to giue himself more aduantage and profit by that whereby the Diuel meant to destroy him But now in regard that this way of beginners in the exercise of Mentall Prayer is more beaten and because the admonitions which I haue giuen import much I haue enlarged my self thus farr though yet others will certainly haue written much better of it But thus much doe I confesse and I haue expressed my self heerin with abundance of confusion and shame though yet still not with so much as I ought to haue had Let our Lord be euer Blessed for all since he permits and is pleased that so miserable a Creature as I should speake of things belonging to his Diuine Maiestie and those things such and so high THE THIRTEENTH CHAPTER She proceeds in this First Degree and State of Prayer and giues aduise against some temptations vvhich the Diuel is sometimes vvont to bring This Discourse is very profitable I Haue thought fitt to speake heer of certaine temptations which I haue found to be brought against some in their beginning to vse Mentall Prayer and some I haue felt my self and I will also giue some aduise which I hold to be necessarie heerin Let therefore a beginner procure to goe-on with great alacritie and Libertie of Spirit for there be some who are apt to thinke that all their deuotion is instantly to vanish if they doe neuer so little amisse therein It is true that it will be very fitt to continue in a holie doubt and feare of themselues that so they may not be confident at all to put themselues into anie occasion wherein our Lord is wont to be offended for it will euer be very necessarie to vse this actual diligence till one be very entire in the possession of vertue and there are not manie who may be so very confident of themselues as that in such occasions which haue conformitie with their naturall disposition and inclination they may be out of care and feare And in fine it will euer be fitt that so long as we shall liue in this world we consider our miserable nature though it were but euen for the continuall exercise of humilitie but there are manie times when it is permitted as I haue sayd to be taking recreation though it were but to enable vs the better to returne the more encouraged and fortifyed towards the making of Prayer In all things it will euer be needfull to vse discretion and withall to haue great confidence in God for it is by no meanes fitt to goe lessning diminishing our desires but to belieue of Almightie God that if we will endeauour earnestly by little and little we may by the fauour of his Diuine Maiestie ariue though it be not presently where manie Saints haue ariued who if they had neuer resolued to aspire to Perfection and had not also endeauoured by little and little to acquire it would neuer haue been able to obtaine so high a State His Diuine Maiestie is a very great friend and fauourer of couragious Soules so that withall they proceed with Humilitie not with anie confidence in themselues and I haue yet neuer seen anie one of this kinde who hath
continued to remaine in a very inferiour degree in this way nor neuer also anie one cowardlie Soule though yet withall it had the safegarde of Humilitie which was able to make so much way in manie yeares as I haue found those others doe in very few I am euen amazed when I consider how much it workes in this kinde for one to animate himself towards the doing of great things though instantly he may perhaps not haue force where with to performe For the Soule puts herself to make a Flight and ariues to be in a high place though yet like some young Bird she be not so well feathered yet and therefore as being wearie she can but pause and houer In former time I often remembred and considered what S. Paul affirmes of himself Namely That he could doe all things in God vvho comforted him for as for me I knew well that I could doe nothing of my self But that Saying of his did me very much good so also did this other of S. Augustin Giue me O Lord vvhat thou commandest and then command me vvhat thou vvilt And for my part I thought also manie times that S. Peter had lost nothing by the bargaine when he cast himselfe headlōg into the Sea though yet he were afrayd afterward In a word these first strong purposes and resolutions are a great matter though yet in this First Degree and State it is fitt that we goe detaining our selues and hold our selues fast tyed to the discretion and disposing of a Directour but then we must procure that he may be such an one as will not teach vs to leape heauily and dully like certaine Toades nor be content that our Soules dispose themselues to hunt those little weake beasts called Lizards Only Humilitie must euer goe before that so we may besure to vnderstand that this strength doth not grow from our selues But heer it will be necessarie for vs to know what kinde of Humilitie this of ours must be and I am very apt to thinke that the Diuel does much hurt towards the making such as exercise Prayer not to aduance themselues very much in their way by causing them to mis-vnderstand Humilitie and by procuring to make vs belieue that it is but a kinde of pride to haue Heroicall desires and to pretend to imitate Saints and to desire to be Martyrs For vpon this he tells vs and makes vs thinke that the actions of Saints are fitt to be admired but not to be imitated by vs who are Sinners This doe I also say as well as he only we must consider what in particular is fitt for admiration and what for imitation For it would be no way conuenient that a person who were sick and weake should put himself vpon great Fasts and sharp Pennances or should betake himself to the Wildernes where he might neither be able to sleep nor yet could get what to eate or the like But yet we ought to thinke that we may well endeauour earnestly by God's Fauour to hold the world in great contempt and not to esteem earthlie honour and not to remaine tyed-vp to the care of riches But we really haue harts so very poore and straight that it seemes to vs as if we could not haue ground enough to goe vpon if once we should lay the care of our Bodie neuer so little aside to giue it to the Soule It seemes therefore heer already that euen for the better enioying of Recollection it will be good that we be in no want of necessarie things for anie kinde of care will be able to disquiet men in Prayer And I am hartily sorry that we should haue so little confidence in God and so much loue of our selues as that we should be disquieted by this thought But the truth is that wheresoeuer men haue made so small progresse as this in the way of Spirit certaine fooleries will trouble some as much as greater and more substantiall matters will doe others and yet still in our way of vnderstanding we will needs presume our selues to be Spirituall persons It seemes to me that this kinde of way of proceeding shewes a desire in them to put the Bodie and Minde into such a concurrence and correspondence as that we would faine finde meanes to take our ease in this world and yet enioy God in the next and that conceipt will proue to be true if we liue according to Iustice and continue to stick close to Vertue but yet still this is but the pace of a Henn and it will neuer be able to bring vs on to enioy true Libertie of Spirit This seemes indeed to be a good way of proceeding for such as are in state of Marriage who are to carrie themselues according to their Vocation but for anie other state then that I doe by no meanes desire anie such kinde of profiting in Spirit as this nor shall they euer make me beleiue that it is a good one for I haue tryed it long enough and I had euer continued in that way if our Lord through his infinit goodnes had not shewed me another and a shorter cutt though yet withall it be true that I had euer great desires but I procured as I haue sayd to vse Prayer though yet still to liue withall at my pleasure But really I conceaue that if anie bodie would haue encouraged me to flye a higher pitch I should haue striuen hard to make those desires proue deeds But alas it is true that through our Sinnes there are so very few and may so quickly be counted who haue anie more discretion then is necessarie for such occurrences as these that I belieue it is a great part of the cause why such as are beginners can get no faster on towards great perfection for our Lord doth neuer faile on his part but it is we who are still the faultie and miserable Creatures They may also be able to imitate the Saints in procuring to vse Solitude and keep Silence and to exercise manie other vertues which will yet by no meanes murder this miserable Bodie which they desire to preserue with such curiositie care though it should turne to the disorder of the Soule And now the Diuel is carefull enough to helpe to render vs the more vnable for when he sees but a little inordinate feare he desires no more then to make vs apprehend that euerie thing will be apt to kill vs or at least to depriue vs of our health yea and if we be accustomed to haue teares he will put vs into a feare that we shall be blinde My self haue passed by this Walke therefore I know it and I know withall that I cannot tell what better kinde of life or health we can possibly desire then to loose them both vpon such an occasion My self being so sicklie as I was till I resolued to make no account at all of my health and of my bodie was euer tyed vp and was good for nothing and euen now it is
very little which I can doe But yet as soone as our Lord was pleased that I should vnderstand this deceipt and trick of the Diuel if he obiected to me my losse of health I told him it imported little that I must dye If he tempted me with loue of rest and ease I told him that it was not ease which I needed now but the sufferance of a Crosse And so also in other things For I saw clearly that in very manie it was either a temptation of the Diuel or mine owne lazines though yet in verie deed I be sicklie enough But howsoeuer I now enioy much better health since I am not so very curious and daintie as I was then I did before And it is therefore of great importāce for them who beginne to hold Mentall Prayer that they doe not subtilize too much with their thoughts And let them belieue me heerin for I know it by experience and perhaps it may be of good vse for me to recount my faults that so others may take warning by me There is also another temptation and it is very vsuall To desire forsooth that euerie bodie might grow to be very Spirituall when once themselues beginne to tast of this great Quiet how much is to be gained by this meanes It is not an ill thing to desire it but to procure it may peraduenture not be good vnlesse much discretion and as it were dissimulation be vsed in doing it so as that they seem not to take vpon them to teach for such as will procure to doe good vpon their neighbours in such cases as this had need haue their owne vertues very strong least els they breed temptation for others It hapned iust thus to me and therefore I vnderstand it that when as I was saying I procured that others might vse Mentall Prayer and on the one side they heard me speake of high matters and of the great benefit which it brought to vse that exercise and when they saw on the other how very poore I was in point of vertue I occasioned them to be tempted and disordered and they were so with reason enough and themselues told me as much afterward For they knew not how it was possible for one of those things to be compatible with the other and it caused them not to thinke that to be ill which yet indeed was so because forsooth they saw me doe it sometimes when they held a good opinion of me And this doth the Diuel effect who it seemes can serue his turne euen of the vertues which we haue that so he may the better grow to authorize the mischeif which he desires to doe vs and how little soeuer that be in it self yet when that is done in a Communitie he gaines very much by the bargaine and how much more when that which I did ill was very ill And so in manie yeares there were only three persons who tooke benefit by what I told them and when our Lord was already pleased to bestow more strength of vertue vpon me they were manie who profited by me euen in two or three yeares as I will shew afterward Besides there is this other great inconuenience that the Soule looses her progresse in vertue for the cheif thing which she is to procure at first is only to take care of her selfe alone and to make account that there is not in the whole world anie one thing but God and She. And this is a certaine point which imports the same Soule very much There is also yet another temptation and all such as this shew themselues euer with a kinde of zeale of vertue and they are fitt to be vnderstood and that we walke with much circumspection and this is a trouble which men receiue from the defects and faults which they discerne in others For the Diuel procures to make vs belieue that this greif is entertained by vs but only because we would nor haue them offend Almightie God and that forsooth we are troubled because his honour is interessed thereby and then it comes presently in that we would faine procure to redresse it and this care disquiets vs so much that it hinders our Prayer yea and the greatest mischeif of all is that we thinke that this is vertue and perfection and great zeale of God's seruice I speake not of those afflictions which publique Sinnes must giue when they are vsually committed by a Community or when they grow to be of preiudice to the Church as these Heresies doe whereby we finde so manie Soules to be lost for this is a very good affliction and trouble and in regard that it is so good it disorders not and disturbs not him who hath it But the secure way for that Soule which desires to giue it self to Prayer is to seek to forget both all things and all persons and to attend to keep all reckonings streight with her self and so to giue contentment to Almightie God Now this is both very conuenient and important and if I should stand to tell you what errours I haue seen fall-out to be committed vpon the confidence which men haue put in their good intentions I should neuer make an end Let vs therefore alwaies procure to consider the vertues and good workes which we shall discerne in others and to shut our eyes from seeing their defects by the consideration of our owne great Sinnes Now this is a kinde of working wherein though we ariue not instantly to doe it with perfection yet we come thereby to gaine a great vertue which is to hold euerie bodie better then ourselues and we beginne to get it through the Fauour of Almightie God whereof we haue need in all things For whensoeuer that is wanting to vs all other diligences serue to little purpose and we must therefore humbly pray him to bestow this grace vpon vs wherein certainly he will not be wanting if we be as carefull as we ought Let them also consider well of this aduise who vse to discourse much with the Vnderstanding and haue power to draw manie considerations and conceipts out of some one For as for them who are not able to worke with this Facultie as I can not there is no cause of giuing them this aduise but only that they will be content to haue patience till our Lord shall be pleased to helpe them to matter vpon which to worke and light where with to know how to doe it Since they are able to performe so little for themselues as that their Vnderstanding part doth rather giue them trouble then help But returning now to such others as are able to serue themselues of Discourse they must take care that their whole time be not spent in that for howsoeuer it be very meritorious yet conconsidering how sauourie a thing they conceaue that Mentall Prayer should be they feare that they shall neuer liue to see Sunday nor anie Season wherein they are not to labour and drudge and therefore they presently thinke that
but as for Beginners learned men if they possesse not the vse of Prayer can be of little profit to them Yet I say not that they should not treat and conferr with such men as are learned for as for hauing a Spirit which should not be first setled in a way of truth for my part I had rather haue it without Prayer For Learning is a great matter since it instructs vs who know little and brings vs light and when we approach neer to the truths of Holie Scripture we beginne to doe that which we ought but as for sillie and foolish deuotions our Lord deliuer vs from them I will declare my self yet better for I feare I put my self vpon too manie things at once though I euer wanted meanes to know how to giue my self to be well vnderstood as I haue sayd but vpon the expence of manie words A Religious Woeman for examples sake will beginne to vse Prayer and in case some sillie kinde of man direct and gouerne her he will if the toy take him in the head giue her to vnderstand that it is better for her to obey him then her Superiour yea and he will doe it without anie malice at all as conceauing that he is in the right And now she being a Religious woeman will be likelie enough to thinke that he sayes true And if she be a married woeman he will tell her that it is best for her euen when she ought to be about her House-hold businesses to exercise her self in Prayer though it were to be to the disgust of her husband So that she knowes not how to dispose of her time nor of her businesses in such sort as that all may goe according to reason and truth because in fine that Directour wants light and not hauing any himself he cannot giue it to others though he would neuer so faine And though in order to this end it seem that there is no great need of Learning yet as for me my opinion both is and euer will be that all Christians shall doe well to treat with such men about their Soules as are well learned and so much the more so much the better and they who goe by the way of Prayer haue yet more need then others to meet with such men and so the more they shall be also Spirituall the better will it be for them still And let not folkes deceaue themselues with saying That learned men without the exercise of Prayer are not to the purpose for them who vse Prayer for I haue dealt with manie and for some of these latter yeares I haue endeauoured it the more because then I found my self in more necessitie But I was euer much a freind of learned men for though some of them haue not experience yet they hate not Spirituall people nor are not ignorant what these things meane because they euer find this truth that there is such a thing as a good Spirit by holie Scripture wherein they are continually versed And as for me I hold that a person who exercises Prayer and will treat with learned men shall neuer be deceaued by illusions of the Diuel if he haue not a minde to deceaue himself For I belieue that the Diuel is mightily afrayd of Learning whensoeuer it is accompanied with Humilitie and Vertue for he knowes that he shall be discouered in the end and that so he shall come to loose by the bargaine And now I haue sayd thus much because I know there are opinions that learned men are not fitt for persons of Prayer vnlesse they be also of Spirit Already I haue signifyed that it would be necessarie to haue a Spirituall Directour but if he proue not to be learned the inconuenience will be great yet it will be of much help to treat with learned men so that they be vertuous for though they be not Spirituall as in this case we vnderstād Spirituall they will yet be able to benefit vs and God will vouchsafe to enable them to teach vs yea and so may perhaps by degrees grow euen to make them also become Spirituall to the end that they may be able to instruct vs the better And I speake not this without some tryall for the occasion hath hapned to me with more then two I say therefore that if a Soule resolue to render it self to be entirely subiect to the order of anie one Directour she shall err very much vnlesse she procure in particular manner that he be learned especially if he be a Religious man of anie Order Because such an one is to be subiect to his Prelate or Superiour and in that case peraduenture all those three aforesayd parts which were sayd to be so necessarie for a Directour will be wanting to him which will be no little crosse to the Partie besides that he may perhaps find himself to haue voluntarily submitted his Vnderstanding to that of another man who hath no very good one himself At least forasmuch as concernes me I was neuer able to bring my self to it nor indeed doe I hold it conuenient But now if the Partie of whome we speake be a Secular person let him blesse Almightie God that himself may make choice of that man to whome he will resolue to subiect himself and let him take care not to loose this vertuous libertie Nay let him euen stay without anie Directour at all till he find a fitt one for our Lord will not faile to prouide him such an one if he goe wholy grounded in Humilitie and with desire to make a fitt choice For my part I praise a fitt Directour very much and woemen and such men also as are not learned were alwaies to giue God infinit thankes for that there are some in the world who take so great paines and trouble to obtaine the knowledge of truth whereof such as be not learned are ignorant And it amazes me manie times to see Religious men who are learned and particularly to consider with how much trouble they grew to gaine all that knowledge which is to bring me so much profit without anie more trouble of mine then only to aske them the question and yet that we should not benefit our selues by it But let not God permit that still it should continue to be so For I see them subiect to the troubles and mortifications of a Religious Life which are very great with Pennances with ill Diet with hard Lodging with being subiect in all things to Obedience and in fine I so perceaue that all is affliction and all Crosse that really the thought thereof doth cast me sometimes into confusion and me thinkes it must be a great miserie that anie bodie should loose so important a benefit by his owne fault It is possible that some of vs who are free from these austerities whereof I speake or at least if we feed vpon them we will needs haue them finely dressed after our owne fancie and so will liue as we list ourselues conceaue that
improue so much the more as also because by this time she is growne to approach neerer to that vertue and power from whence all vertues proceed which is Almightie God because his Diuine Maiestie doth not only then communicate himself to that Soule but he is also pleased that she should find in what sort it is that he communicates himself to her In ariuing once to this place she instantly beginnes to loose the appetite of all things concerning this world and I cannot blame her for already she sees very clearly that one moment of that gust is not to be purchased heer and that no riches nor dominions nor all the honours nor delights of this world are able to giue such contentment and satisfaction as this though it were but for the twinkling of an eye because this is true contentment and such an one as we really see and find to content vs indeed For as for those others of this world it may well goe for a wonder if we can so much as tell euen wherein the contentment of anie thing doth consist Nor doth there euer faile to be a kind of measuring cast between the Yea and the No in anie of them but heer all is in the Affirmatiue and professes to say Yea as long as it lasts and the No comes not in till afterward because then they see that the busines is growne to be at an end and that he cannot recouer it againe nor knowes indeed how to goe about it For though he should euen halfe kill himselfe with doing Pennance and making much Prayer and vse in fine all other possible diligences yet will it all serue to very little purpose vnlesse our Lord vouchsafe to impart it But Almightie God is pleased heer for his owne greatnes that this Soule should now vnderstand that his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafes to be so neer her that now there is no need of sending anie messengers to her but only that she her self may speake with him though yet not by word of mouth because then he is already so neer her that he vnderstands her as a man may say euen by the verie least stirring of her lipps But now it may chance seem to some to be impertinent for me to talke after this manner in regard the world knowes well enough that our Lord doth euer heare vs is euer present with vs and there can be no doubt at all but that this is true But yet heer this Emperour and Lord of ours is pleased that we should also vnderstand that he vnderstands vs and what his presence is able to doe what he will particularly beginne to worke in our Soules and the great both interiour and exteriour satisfaction which he imparts and the mighty difference which as I haue sayd there is between this kind of delight and gust and all the other of this world For this seemes euen to fill all those hollow and voyd places which our Sinnes had made in our Soules And this so great satisfaction is in the very most intimate part thereof and she knowes not how nor by what meanes also it comes nay manie times she cannot tell euen what to doe nor what to aske no nor what to wish For the Soule seemes there to find all good things togeather and she doth not very well know euen what she hath found nor yet can I tell how to giue it to be vnderstood For there would heer be need of Learning for manie purposes and heer would it come very well in to giue to vnderstand the difference betwixt Generall and Particular Helps or Succours of Grace whereof manie are ignorant And our Lord in this Prayer is pleased that our Soule should see this particular Succour as it were with her verie eyes and manie other things also which may perhaps be ill declared heer by me but since vnderstanding persons are to see what I write and who will know if it haue anie errour in it wherein I may easily be found faultie enough through want both of Learning Spirit I am in the lesse paine and care considering that this goes into the hands of such as will both vnderstand it will blott also anie such thing out as may haue been ill sayd Yet I would faine giue this to be vnderstood because these are the beginnings and when our Lord disposes himselfe first to doe these Fauours the Soule herself doth not vnderstand them nor doth she know what to doe with her self For if Almightie God conduct and guide her by the way of feare as he did me the trouble is very great vnlesse there be some at hand who can vnderstand her But then it is a great gust for her to see her self well described by them for then she euidently findes her self to be in that way and it is also of great benefit to know what one hath to doe in anie of these States or Degrees that so they may goe profiting on For my part I endured much and lost a great deale of time because I did not know how to carry my selfe And therefore I haue very great compassion of those Soules which find themselues alone when they are come thus farre for though I haue read manie Spirituall Bookes and though they touch vpon that which is to the purpose yet fall they very short in declaring themselues and vnlesse the Soule be very well exercised in Prayer she shall haue enough to doe to vnderstand them though they seeke to expresse themselues at large I could very much desire that our Lord would doe me the fauour that I might know how to set downe the effects which these things that grow already to be Supernaturall vse to worke in the Soule to the end that it might be vnderstood by them when it is the Spirit of God I say that it might be vnderstood according to what we can thinke we vnderstand in this world though it will alwaies be very well done to goe on with circumspection and feare For though it be indeed of God yet the Diuel can tell how to transforme himselfe sometimes into an Angel of Light and if a Soule be not well exercised in Prayer she will not vnderstand it well and indeed to be exercised well enough to vnderstand this point as it deserues the Soule must be ariued to the highest Degree of Prayer The little time I haue will allow mee no great help for what I am designeing and therefore his Diuine Maiestie had need to doe it himself for I must be stirring vp and downe in the Communitie haue manie other businesses to doe since I am at this present in a House which is but beginning now as I shall shew afterward and therefore I am writing this without anie such rest and quiet kind of being as were conuenient so that I must doe it by little and little and by fitts But I could wish I were now at more leasure for when our Lord giues a spirit to doe a thing it is easily and much
heer of what it might import if such persons were to preach or teach others for then it would be fitt to serue themselues of that aduantage towards the assisting of their neighbours to that good and to help also poore people who know very little like me For Charitie is a very great matter and so is this helping soules forward so that alwaies it be done purely for God But now in these times of possessing this great Quiet let the Soule be suffered to remaine in rest with her true repose and let Learning be layd aside for time will come afterward when it will fall-out to be held in so high account that they would by no meanes haue missed that treasure of knowledge if it were but only for the power it giues them to doe more and better seruice to his Diuine Maiestie for it assists very much in order to that excellent end But yet belieue me still that in the presence of that Infinit Wisdome a very little attention to exercise Humilitie one single act of that vertue is more worth then all the knowledge of the whole world For heer there is no roome for disputing of Questions or arguing Cases but only to know with truth and plainenes what we are to represent our selues with great simplicitie in the sight of Almightie God who desires that the Soule should make her self as very ignorant and sillie as in verie deed she is when once she comes to appeare in his presence since his Diuine Maiestie descends so much below himself as to endure her neer his owne person all we being that which we are The Vnderstanding will also moue it self heer to giue certaine thankes to Almightie God which may be handsomely ordered and composed but the Will with a certaine kinde of Quiet and peace and with a not daring like the Publican of the Gospell so much as lift-vp her eyes payes yet more retribution of thankes then the Vnderstanding perhaps knowes how to doe with reuoluing all the Rhetorick in the world But in fine we are not totally in this case to forbeare to make Mentall Prayer no nor yet sometimes to vse some Vocall Words if we will and can And I say can because if the Quiet be great and deep they will hardly enough be able to speake without making it cost them much paine In my opinion we may well vnderstand when this is of the Spirit of Almightie God and when it happens to be procured by our selues though it be vpon a beginning of that deuotion which God giues vs. For when as I haue sayd wee will needs resolue our selues of our selues to procure to passe on to this possessing the Quiet of the Will it vses to worke no good effect at all but quickly ends and leaues nothing but drynes behind it And if it chance to proceed from the Diuel a Soule which is exercised in this kind will I belieue grow easily to vnderstand it for in that case it will leaue a certaine kind of disquiet and little affection to Humilitie and an vntoward disposition in order to the producing of those effects which the Spirit of Almightie God is wont to breed nor doth it also leaue either light in the Vnderstanding or a constant loue of truth in the Will And this will doe a Soule either very little hurt or none at all if she direct and addresse the suauitie and delight which then she feeles to the glorie of Almightie God and if she lodge her thoughts and desires vpon him as I haue formerly aduised the Diuel will gaine little by the bargaine Nay rather Almightie God will so dispose of things that he shall loose much euen by that verie delight which he causes in her Soule for this verie delight shall be a meanes to make that Soule which conceaues that it proceeds from God to come againe often to Prayer with desire to receaue more delight Or els if the Soule be very humble and not withall very curious nor very much interessed in taking delights though euen they be spirituall but be indeed a true friend to the Crosse she will make very little account of anie gust which the Diuel can giue her which yet she shall neuer be able to doe if indeed it be the Spirit of God for in that case she will euer be sure to hold it in verie high account Now when the Diuel propounds such a busines since he is all made of Lyes whensoeuer he sees a Soule abase and humble her self by meanes of that delight and gust which she receaues for indeed we are to haue very great care to procure to proue very humble vpon all the occasions of Prayer and gusts the Diuel will not returne to tempt vs very often when he cōsiders how much he looses by the endeauour For this reason and vpon manie other considerations did I aduertise in the First Degree and State of Prayer which answers to the First way of drawing Water in the Garden that it is a principall busines when the Soule is entring first vpon Prayer to beginne to vntye her self from the desyre of all kinde of sensible contentment and to enter vpon this onlie resolution to help our Lord IESVS to carrie his Crosse like good Caualliers who are resolued to serue their King without wages since they are so sure of him as they are And we are also still to carrie our eyes vpon that true and euerlasting Kingdome which we procure to acquire It is a very great point to haue this euer in view and especially in the beginnings for afterwards it is seen so very clearly that it may rather be fitt to forget it to the end that we may be able euen to liue then procure to be remembring that the world is to last very little and that all in fine is nothing and that heer the ease and rest which we can haue is to be esteemed for nothing This may seem to be a very poore and base consideration and so indeed it is for they who haue proceeded to more perfection would take it for an affront and would euen blush and be ashamed amongst thēselues if they thought they forsooke the goods of this world because they must come once to haue an end For although those goods were to last alwaies they would yet reioyce to leaue them for the loue of our Lord and still the more perfect they were they would reioyce so much the more yea the more also would they reioyce the longer they belieued they were to last In these men this Loue is already growne-vp to strength and it is this which workes most but for such as are but Beginners it is a point of highest importance and they must by no meanes hold it for low to be content to leaue all gusts for God For the benefits which are gained by this cōsideration are great and therefore doe I aduise it so much Nay euen those others who are most eleuated and accomplished in Prayer will haue
vpon him and he will haue her take her case and only that the Will may accept of those Fauours which she enioyes and she must offer her self to goe through with all that which he who is true Wisdome shall be pleased to ordaine for which purpose there is really need of a great deale of courage For so great * and high vses that ioy to be that sometimes it seems that there needs not so much as a haires breadth for making the Soule goe instantly out of that Bodie and O what a happie death would that be And heer me thinkes that comes in very well which once was sayd to your Reuerence that you must leaue your self wholy in the Armes of God If he will carrie you to Heauen That you goe If to Hell there will be no torment there so that you be with him who is your totall good If instantly to make an end of this life That you desire nothing els And yet that you be as well pleased if yet he will haue you liue a thousand yeares Let his Diuine Maiestie dispose of you as of a thing which is properly his owne for your Soule is now no longer yours but it wholy belongs to our Lord and therefore you must be altogeather out of care Now I say that in so eleuated and high a Prayer as this she vnderstands that she can performe it without anie wearines at all to the Vnderstanding for when God giues this Prayer to a Soule she is able to doe all this yea and can also worke other manner of effects then these Only me thinkes she is as it were amazed to see our Lord performe the Office of a good Gardner so well and is not pleased that she should take anie trouble or paines but only that she is to delight her self in beginning to enioy the odour of those Flowers For in one such approach as this how little a while soeuer it may last such a kind of Gardner this is for he is the Creatour of the Water and he giues it so very freely beyond measure that what this single poore Soule was not able to assemble by the labour of tyring-out her Vnderstanding in twentie yeares togeather this Celestiall Gardner doth it all in one moment of time and the Fruit doth so grow and become ripe that it is able through the good pleasure of our Lord to sustaine the Owner thereof and to enable him to liue vpon the gaine which he makes by it Only he giues not this Soule leaue to Present of this Fruit to others till such time as she be growne strong by what her self hath eaten of it and she must not squander it away in trying idly how it tasts For so she not valuing the profit which she might make by it nor they paying her anie thing for it to whome she gaue it she comes to maintaine and feed them vp at her cost whilst her self may by degrees grow to be readie to dye of hungar This will perhaps be well comprehended by them who haue a right kind of vnderstanding and will know how to apply it better then I can declare it and now I am euen wearie to thinke if it In a word the truth is this that the vertues which are obtained in this Prayer remaine so much stronger heer then in the Prayer of Quiet whereof I spake before that the Soule cannot be ignorant thereof For she finds her selfe to be wholy growne another kind of thing then she was and she beginnes she euen scarce knowes how to act and worke great things by the odour which the Flowers yeild of themselues For now our Lord is pleased that they may sprowt and open to the end that she may know she hath vertues though yet with all she see very clearly that she was not able to acquire and get them but that the Celestiall Gardner was pleased to impart them to her as it were at an instant The humilitie also of this Soule is much greater and more profound then in the former Prayer because she sees more clearly that her self did neither much nor little but only consent that our Lord might doe her those Fauours and she embrace them with her Will To me it seemes that there is in this kind of Prayer a very euident Vnion of the whole Soule with God saue that it also seemes that his Diuine Maiestie giues libertie to the Powers thereof to vnderstand and enioy the abundance of what he works therein Now it happens sometimes yea and manie times that the Will being thus vnited that your Reuerence may see both that this may be and may also be able to vnderstand it when you haue it and at least it puts me almost out of my witts therefore I relate it to you heer knowes and vnderstands that it is tyed-vp and bound and yet in condition of enioying I say againe it knowes that it self being the Will remaines in much Quiet whilst yet on the other side the Vnderstanding and Memorie are free and are able to treat of businesses to attend to certaine workes of Charitie Now though this seem to be all one with that which was spoken of in that other Discourse of Quiet Prayer yet it is different Because there the Soule is in such case as it would faine not stirr nor moue it self in that kinde of Prayer as enioying the leasure and contemplation of Marie I meane of S. Marie Magdalen Whereas heer in this Prayer she can also act the part of Martha So that she doth now in effect performe the offices both of the Actiue and of the Contemplatiue life and all at once and is able to exercise her self vpon those businesses and workes of Charitie which are incident to her condition And she can also read though yet still the Powers or Faculties of her Soule are not absolutly the Lords of themselues and still she vnderstāds well enough that the greatest part of her self that is to say her cheif attention and operation is somewhere els It is iust as if we were speaking with some one and that withall at the self same time some other person were speaking to vs in such sort as that we were not entirely attentiue either to the one or to the other But it is a thing which is perceaued very clearly and giues great satisfaction and contentment whensoeuer it ariues and it vses to be a very great preparation and disposition to the end that whensoeuer the Partie may be in anie Solitude or exemption from busines the Soule may instantly enioy a very perfect quietnes and repose This is a certaine Being as if a person receaued such a kinde of satisfaction and cessation of appetite in himself as that he would haue no need at all to eat but felt his stomack content in such sort as that he would not easily apply himself to tast of whatsoeuer should be set before him but yet withall that if he saw such meate as he liked he would not forbeare to
eat of it For iust so doth the Soule not satisfye her self nor is content to feed vpon the meate of this world because she findes that in her self which giues her satisfaction it being the farre greater cōtentment which she hath in Almightie God and her desire also is to satisfye euen those desires of hers and this is that which she procures There is also another kinde of Vnion which euen yet is not so much as an absolute and entire Vnion though it be greater then that of which I was speaking before and not altogeather so great as that of this Third Water And your Reuerence will be very glad supposing that our Lord bestow them all vpon you if you haue them not already to finde it written thus and directly to vnderstand what it is For it is one kinde of Fauour for our Lord to impart the same very Fauour and another to vnderstand what grace and Fauour that is yea and yet another to be able to vnfold and declare how it passes And howsoeuer it may seem that there may no more then the First of these Three be needfull for the keeping of the Soule from being in a kinde of confusion and feare and for enabling it to goe forward with more courage in the way of our Lord euen treading with the verie feet thereof vpon all the things of this world yet is it a Fauour of so great aduantage to vnderstand it that it is reason that both he who hath it and euen he also who hath it not should praise our Lord much for it because his Diuine Maiestie hath been pleased to giue it to some one who is yet aliue to the end that he might also doe vs good Now it happens also manie times to me that I haue this manner of Vnion whereof I am speaking for it pleases Almightie God to doe me this Fauour very very often and that God recollects and takes hold of my Will yea and also in my opinion of my Vnderstanding for then it discourses no longer but is employed vpon enioying Almightie God as one who stands looking and looking and sees so very much that he knowes not indeed which way to looke for one thing instantly appeares which takes away the sight of the other and so nothing makes anie impression at all The Memorie remaines free and so also doth the Imagination seem to doe and this Imagination when it findes it self thus all alone that is without being controuled by the Vnderstanding it would make a bodie wonder extreamly to see what a coyle it keeps and what a warre it makes and procures to put all out of order For my part I am sure it tires me and I am also sure that I abhorre it and I haue often besought our Lord that if it must needs distract me still after this manner he will be pleased to take it from me in these occasions And sometimes I presume to say thus to him When O my God is this whole Soule of mine to be entirely vnited in thy praise and not deuided thus into peices without being so much as able to serue her self of her self But heer doe I in the meane time discerne the mischief which hath been brought vpon vs by Sinne since it makes vs be so subiect to the not doing of what we so much desire which is to be euer busied about Almightie God I say this happens to me diuerse times and one of those times was this verie day and so I may the better remember it For in fine I see my Soule euen dissolue and defeat her self through the desire which she hath to be wholy there where she finds her self for the most part to be already and yet that this is impossible because both the Memorie and Imagination doe still make such warre vpon her that they suffer her not to worke like her self And though they be not able to doe her anie hurt in regard that the other Powers and Faculties are wanting yet indeed they may well be thought to doe hurt enough by the disquiet they giue But yet still I say that they doe her properly no hurt because indeed they haue no strength nor doe they fix themselues in anie one Being or State And in regard that the Vnderstanding doth not help the Imagination in that which it represents either more or lesse it cannot fasten vpon anie thing but skipps vp downe from one to another And it is like those importunate and vnquiet little Gnatts which buzze and whizze by night heer and there for iust so are these Powers wont to goe from one to another This Comparison seemes to me to be extreamly proper for though these inferiour Faculties haue not strength and meanes to doe harme yet are they troublesome enough to such as feele them Not doe I know what remedie there is against this inconuenience for hitherto Almightie God hath not enabled me to find anie out if he had I would haue been very glad to vse it for it torments me as I sayd very often But in this is our miserie made apparant to vs and so also doth the power of Almightie God shine very clearly in it since this Facultie of the Soule which is loose can put vs to so much trouble and so tire vs whilst yet those other which are employed and doe attend so neer to his Diuine Maiestie make vs feele so much ease ioy The last Remedie vpon which I haue falne after my hauing wearied my self manie yeares is that whereof I spoke in Quiet Prayer That we should make no more account therof then we would of some starke-madd-Foole but to let it still alone in telling that impertinent idle Tale wherein God only can impose silence And since in fine it remaines to vs heer in the nature of a Slaue we must be content to endure it as Iacob did Lya for our Lord doth vs Fauour enough to permitt that we may enioy Rachel I say that it remaines as a Slaue by reason that it cannot draw the other Powers or Faculties to it how vehemently soeuer it may striue but rather they draw it often to them without anie difficultie at all Yea and sometimes our Lord is pleased to haue pittie to see euen the Imagination it self so very much disquieted and lost through desire to be in companie with the other Faculties and Powers of the Minde and then his Diuine Maiestie is content that it also may be burnt vp in the fire of that Diuine Taper where those others are already euen consumed to dust and where hauing as it were euen lost their Naturall Being they are enioying so great Blessings in a Supernaturall kind In all these wayes of this last Fountaine-Water whereof I haue spoken the peacefull rest and glorie of the Soule is so great that euen the Bodie doth very manifestly participate of that ioy and delight I say it doth so very manifestly yea and the vertues also of the Minde encrease and grow stronger as I haue sayd
haue already shewed that there is then no power at all to doe anie thing that I expresse my self to his Diuine Maiestie much after this manner O Lord consider well what thou dost forget not my so very greiuous Sinnes so very soone and though thou haue forgotten them so farre as to vouchsafe to forgiue them yet remember them also I humbly beseech thee so farre as to make thee put some limits vpon those Fauours which thou art pleased to bestow vpon me Powre not O my Creatour so pretious a liquour as that into so broken a vessell as this since already thou hast seen how often I haue scattered and spilt it O lodge not and trust not such a treasure as this where the appetite and affection to all the consolations of this life is not yet so totally lost and spent as it ought to be for if thou doe it will be vtterly wasted How canst thou find in thy hart to deliuer the strength of this Cittie and euen the verie keyes of the Fort into the hands of such a cowardlie Commander who is likelie not to faile to giue the Enemie entrance vpon the first Assault which he shall make Let not O my Eternal King thy loue to me be so great as that it should make thee put such pretious Iewels as these into hazard And to me it seemes O my Lord that thou mayst giue the world occasion heerby to vndervalue these great Fauours of thine since thou puttest them into the custodie and power of a Creature who is so wicked so base so weake so miserable and of so little worth in anie kinde Who though I now beginne to labour that I may not vtterly loose them through thy fauour which also hath no need to be little considering what kind of thing I am shall yet be neuer able to gaine anie other Creature to thee by meanes thereof In fine I am a woeman and no good woeman but a very wicked one and it seemes that these Talents of thine are thus not only to be hidden by this meanes but euen to be quite buried vp since thou puttest them into so vngratious and vnluckie a Soyle Thou art not wont O Lord to impart such Fauours and Greatnesses as these to anie Soule but when there may be hope that she will be able to gaine manie others to thy Seruice And thou knowest O my God already that I haue sometimes begged this Fauour and still I begg it of thee with my whole hart and with the entire affection thereof and I am resolued to thinke it fitt to be content to loose the highest blessing which can possibly be enioyed vpon earth to the end that thou maist vouchsafe it to some other who will profit more by it that so thine owne glorie may be encreased Both these and such other things as these hath it occurred to me to vtter manie times but yet afterward I perceaued mine owne great follie heerin togeather with my little humilitie for our Lord knowes very well what is fittest for euerie Creature and that there was not to be strength enough in my Soule whereby she might euer grow to be saued if his Diuine Maiestie had not enriched her with so great Fauours But I also now pretend to declare the graces and effects which remaine by this Prayer in the Soule and what that is which she may be able to doe of her self and if she may anie way conduce towards the bringing her self to this high State It happens that this Eleuation of the Spirit or Vnion come both of them with a Celestiall kind of Loue. For according to my way of vnderstanding this Vnion is a different things from Eleuation though yet the Soule be eleuated in this verie Vnion Whosoeuer hath not tried and felt this last will be of a different conceipt but yet in my opinion though euen it should be all one yet our Lord workes therin after a different manner And by the encrease which the Soule hath of being able to vntye her self from the loue of all Creatures she seemes to be very much greater in that Flight and Eleuation of the Spirit And I haue clearly seen that this is a distinct and particular Fauour although the things themselues may be all one as I say or at least may seem so But a small fire is as truly and really Fire as a great one and yet still we see difference enough between the one and the other for before a little iron can be able to be made red hot in a small fire a good space of time will be spent but now if the fire be great the iron though it be also great will loose the apparance of iron very quickly Iust so doth it seem to me to happen in these two sorts of Fauours from our Blessed Lord and I know that whosoeuer may euer haue ariued to be in Rapt will vnderstand me well but such as haue had no experience therin will hold all that to be impertinent which I haue sayd Perhaps also it is so indeed and so as he will haue had reason who beleiues it For how shall such a thing as I presume to speake of such a thing as this and to giue some part of that to be vnderstood which it seemes impossible euen to beginne to declare with anie words So that it is not strange a whitt if I talke idly But yet I beleiue this of our Blessed Lord because his Diuine Maiestie knowes that next to this act of Obedience my intention is no other then to make Soules euen as it were gluttonous after the obtaining of so high a good that he will be pleased to assist me heerin and I am sure I will say nothing whereof I haue not had much experience And it is a reall truth that when I beganne to write of this Water I conceaued it to be a more impossible thing for me to treat of it then to speake Greeke so very hard did I finde it Vpon this I gaue it ouer and went to receaue the Blessed Sacrament But our Lord be euer praised who doth so great Fauours to ignorant persons O vertue of Obedience which art able to doe all things For Almightie God did illuminate my vnderstanding sometimes by helping me to the verie expresse words which I was to vse and at other times by representing the manner to me how I should declare the thing So that as his Diuine Maiestie was pleased to doe in the former Degree of Prayer it seemes that he will also heer declare what I neither can nor know how to expresse But that which now I say is a most literall truth and so that which shall be good is his instruction and doctrine and whatsoeuer falls-out to be ill it is cleare that it proceeds and flowes from this deep Sea of mischeif and Sinne which is my self And therefore I heer affirme that if anie haue ariued to these points and particulars of Prayer wherein our Lord hath done so great Fauour
to this miserable and wretched Creature as it is likelie that there are manie if they shall be pleased to treat of these things with me as conceauing that I am mistaken and out of the way our Lord will so assist this poore Seruant of his as that she may be able to goe forward to vphold this truth But now to speake of this last Water which comes from Heauen to satisfye and euen fulfill the whole Garden by the abundance therof if our Lord did neuer forbeare to giue it whensoeuer there were need it is euident enough already of what case it would be to the Gardner and that there would neuer be anie Winter but alwaies most temperate weather nor would there euer be anie want either of Fruits or Flowers and so it may be easily seen in what delight he would remaine But as long as we liue in this world this condition is a kind of impossible thing and we must alwaies be in care that whensoeuer we shall want one of the Waters we may procure another This last which falls from Heauen comes downe sometimes euen when the Gardner thinkes of it least True it is that these things are almost euer wont to happen after a long exercise of Mentall Prayer For our Lord vses to come by degrees to catch this poore little Bird and to lodge it then safely in the Nest to the end that it may rest and repose And after it had put it self long vpon Flights procuring by the exercise of the Vnderstanding and Will and in fine by all the Powers it had to goe in search of Almightie God and to please him he vouchsafes to allow it a reward euen in this life yea and this so very great a reward that anie one little moment therof may well suffice as a full satisfaction and retribution for all that care and trouble which he could euer haue endured in this world The Soule being thus in search of Almightie God doth find her self as it were euen sinke vnder a sweet and most excessiue delight as being all in a certaine way of deare faynting so that the breath is euen beginning to faile and so also doth all corporall strength in such sort as that the Creature is now not able so much as to moue her hands but with much paine The eyes are also closed though without anie purpose to shut them and when by accident they chance to be open she in effect sees nothing distinctly nor if she reade can she so much as iudge rightly of anie letter nor can she euen guesse how to name it right She sees that indeed there are letters but the Vnderstanding not giuing her anie assistance she knowes not how to reade though she would She heares but yet vnderstands not what she heares so that she receaues no other benefit at all by her Senses but only that they will not permit her to take the full fruition of her delight and so vpon the matter they doe her more hurt then good As for speaking it is a vanitie so much as to thinke of anie such thing for she cannot possibly hitt right so much as in framing anie one word nor if she were able to iudge it were she yet possibly able to pronounce it in regard that all the strength of her Bodie is absolutly lost for the greater encrease of that of her Soule that so she may the better enioy her glorie The exteriour delight also which she feeles is both great and very certaine This Prayer puts the person to no manner of inconuenience in anie kinde how long soeuer it may last at least it neuer put me to anie nor am I able to remember when our Lord did me this Fauour how sick or weake soeuer I were that I euer found my self the worse but rather with much improuement euen in the way of health But indeed what hurt can euer be done to anie Creature by so great a blessing as this It is so knowne a truth concerning the exteriour operations that there can no doubt be made but that there were natually great occasions for their alteration since our Lord tooke all their strength from them though yet it were with so great delight that the same grew afterward to be greater It is true that in the beginning this state and feeling is wont to passe away in very short time at least it hapned so to me But as for these exteriour signes as also in this failing of operation in the Senses it is not so easily to be giuen to be vnderstood when things passe away in short time but yet they are discerned with ease by the excesse of the Fauours For the clearnes and heat of the Sunne must needs haue been then very great when all that which came in the way was so absolutly melted and dissolued Let this also be well noted that in my opinion how long soeuer that space of time might seem to be wherein all the Powers of the Soule were in suspense it must needs haue been indeed very short and if it should ariue to half an hower it were very much For my part I thinke I was neuer so long True it is that one can hardly iudge how long they are since the Parties are depriued of outward sense but I say that it must needs be a very short time wherein no one of the Powers can be able to returne againe to it self But now the Will is indeed the onlie Power which maintaines the Worke for as for the other two they quickly become importunate vpon her Yet the Will remaining quiet and fixed suspends them yet againe and so they stay another little while and afterward returne to liue as before In this manner some whole howers of Prayer may be passed yea and sometimes they are passed so For when the two Powers of the Soule haue tasted of that Celestiall wine and beginne to be inebriated with it they easily are induced to loose themselues once againe so to get still the more by the bargaine and so they goe to accompanie the Will and all three come to be in the act of enioying But this point of being totally lost and so without framing anie Imagination at all which Power in my way of vnderstanding is also wholy lost I say lasts but a very little time though yet they come not alwaies so wholy to themselues vpon a suddaine but that they may remaine euen some howers as in a kind of being still a little out of the way and in disorder Almightie God vouchsafing to recollect them againe to himself by little and little And now let vs come to the interiour of that which the Soule is wont to feele at these times and let them declare it who know how since it cannot be well vnderstood and much lesse expressed I was thinking when I disposed my self to write this as soone as I had receaued the B. Sacrament and after the end of this verie kinde of Prayer which now I write of what the
she doth not well consider that she hath not yet mewed all her owne sick-feathers She may well stepp out of her Nest yea and Almightie God himself will perhaps take her now and then out from thence But she is not yet fitt for a Flight because her vertues are not yet growne to be of full strength nor hath she yet experience for the knowledge of dangers nor doth she yet vnderstand the mischeif which growes by putting too much trust in her owne forces And now this is that which destroyed me and both for this and for all things there will be great necessitie of a Directour and of conuersation with persons who are spirituall indeed It is true I am fully perswaded that when Almightie God doth once bring a Soule to this state he will not leaue to fauour her nor suffer her to perish if she doe not very shamefully and entirely forsake and forbeare to serue his Diuine Maiestie But yet if it should so happen that she fall let her consider and consider againe euen for the loue of our Blessed Lord and take heed that the Diuel deceaue her not so farre as to make her giue-ouer her Prayer as he did me vnder the pretence of false Humilitie as I haue declared and as I would fayne repeat very often But let her trust in the goodnes of Almightie God which is greater then all the sinnes which we can commit and let her hope that he will not remember our ingratitude when once we reflecting duly vpon our selues desire to returne againe to his friendship nor euen so farre consider the Fauours which he hath done vs as to make vs be punished for them but that rather they will help to obtaine pardon for vs so much the sooner as for persons who haue belonged to his House and haue had the honour to eat as men vse to say of his bread Let them remember his words and consider how he hath proceeded with me who euen wearied my self with offending his Diuine Maiestie before he would forbeare or faile to pardon me For he neuer growes vnwilling to giue nor is it euer possible to draw his Mercies dry and so let not vs be wearie of euer receauing Fauour at his hands Let him be blessed for euer Amen and let all creatures praise him THE TWENTIETH CHAPTER VVherein she treats of the difference betvveen Vnion and Rapt and declares vvhat kind of thing a Rapt is She speakes also of the blessing vvhich that Soule hath vvhich our Lord through his goodnes brings thither and of the Effects vvhich Rapts vse to produce This Discourse is of much admiration I Would be glad to know how to declare through the Fauour of Almightie God the difference which there is between Vnion on the one side and Rapt and Flight as they are wont to call it of Spirit on the other for these two latter doe signifye in substance but one thing and it is also called Extasis The aduantage is very great which belongs to Rapt beyond Vnion and the effects also which it produces are much greater and it hath also manie other operations For meer Vnion seemes to be alwaies after the same manner both in the beginning in the middle and in the end and it is alwaies in the interiour part But now as Rapts are Visitations of the Soule which vse to be of a higher Straine they are wont to produce their Effects not only interiourly but exteriourly also I humbly beseech our Blessed Lord that as he hath vouchsafed to declare the rest so he will also vouchsafe to doe this for certainly if his Diuine Maiestie had not been pleased to giue me to vnderstand by what meanes in what manner it might be done I should not possibly haue knowne which way to turne my hand Let vs therefore now consider that this last Water whereof we haue spoken is so very plentifull and abundant that if it were not because the Soyle of the Garden cannot consent to receaue it we might beleiue that the verie Clowd it self of that great Maiestie were heer rayning it self downe vpon this earth And so when we are gratefull to our Lord for this great blessing acknowledging the same by our good workes according to the vttermost of our power our Lord catches-vp that Soule as a man may say euen iust so as the clowdes snatch vp the vapours from the earth and so taking her wholy vp from the same earth the clowd rises vp to Heauen and carries the same along with it self and shewes her certaine things belonging to that Kingdome which is prepared for her I know not whether this Comparison will be thought to suite well with that whereof I am speaking but I am sure that in realitie of truth it passes thus In these Rapts it doth not seem that the Soule doth euen animate the Bodie and so the Bodie it self remaines with a kind of trouble and defect through the want of that naturall heat which belongs to it and it goes all cooling it self though yet with an excessiue sweetnes and delight There is heer no meanes at all to resist though in Vnion we being then as in our owne Countrie there is some remedie and so though it be not without suffering a kind of paine and vsing some force it may alwaies in effect be employed But heer for the most part there is no remedie at all nor anie helpe but manie times the thing ariues without our being so much as able to preuent the coming of it euen by our very thought And there growes to be such a speedie and strong kind of impetuositie that you feele and find this Clowd to raise it self instantly vp or rather that this strong Eagle takes you and carries you quite away between her wings And I say it is vnderstood and you find your self to be carried away though you know not whither For howsoeuer the thing happen to be with delight yet so great is the weaknes of our naturall condition that it puts vs into some feare in the beginning And therefore it will be necessarie in this case for the Soule to be much more couragious and resolute then for all those occasions which were precedent For heer she must be content to hazard all and to leaue her self wholy in the hands of Almightie God and to goe whithersoeuer she shall be carried and this with a very good will for in fine they will be sure to carrie her whether she will or no and that with so great extremitie of strength and speed that howsoeuer I had a minde very very often to resist it yea and that I employed all the strength I had to that purpose and especially at some particular times when things fell out to happen in publique yea and at manie other times also when they were priuate for I was then in doubt and feare least I might be abused and deceiued it was yet but seldome that I was able to preuaile to some small proportion But it cost
mee a very great deale of harrassing wearines to my self iust so as if some ordinarie person had been fighting with some strong Giant afterward I should finde my self very weary But at other times it was altogeather impossible for me to hinder it for my Soule would be carried absolutly away and ordinarily euen my head as it were after it yea this sometimes so farre as that my whole Bodie would be transported so as to be raised-vp from the ground This last hath happened rarely to me but once it was vpon the very point to ariue whilst we all were assembled togeather in the Quire and I being then vpon my knees as at the point of going to receaue the Blessed Sacrament it put me to an extremitie of trouble because it seemed to be a very extraordinarie thing and that instantly there would be much note of it and so I commanded my Religious-woemen for at that time I was growne to be Prioresse that they should not speake of it to anie creature But at other times when I beganne to discerne that our Lord was going about to doe the same againe and once in particular when diuers principall Ladies were present and it was vpon the Feast of our Vocation when there was a Sermon I did euen spread my self all along vpon the ground and though the Religious woemen came then about me to keep my Bodie downe yet the thing was easily perceiued Vpon this I humbly prayed our Lord in most particular manner that by no meanes he would doe me anie such Fauours as might carrie anie of these exteriour demonstrations with them for already I was very wearie of being necessarily so wary and watchfull ouer my self for that such kind of Fauours could not possibly be done me by his Diuine Maiestie but so that euerie bodie would come to know it And it seemes that through his goodnes he hath been pleased to heare my Prayer for since that time I neuer had anie Rapts of that kinde and to that proportion but it is true that it is notlong since I had the last But yet now so it is that when I had a minde to resist these Rapts there seemed to be somewhat of so mightie force vnder my feet which raised me vp that I know not to what to compare it but it came with much more impetuositie then anie of these other things of Spirit and so I was euen torne as it were to peices for the combat and strife is great but in fine all helped little for when our Lord hath a minde to doe anie thing no power is able to stand against it At other times he is pleased to content himself with letting vs see that he is disposed to doe vs that Fauour and that there is no auersion in his Diuine Maiestie and that we opposing our selues for Humility's sake there follow yet the self-same Effects as if we had wholy consented Now these Effects are great For first the mightie power of our Blessed Lord is made apparant thereby and that when his Diuine Maiestie is pleased to dispose of things otherwise we are no more able to detaine our Bodies then our Soules nor are we Lords therof but we must in despight of our harts acknowledge that there is a Superiour and that these Fauours come from him and that of our selues we can doe nothing in nothing and so a great impression of Humilitie is made vpon the Soule by this meanes And further I confesse that it bred also a great feare in me and at the first an extreame great one to see that a massie Bodie should be taken-vp from the earth For though the Spirit be that which drawes it after it and though it be with great suauitie and delight if it be not resisted yet our Senses are not lost thereby at least I for my part was so perfectly in my Senses that I was able to vnderstand that I was raised There doth also heerby appeare so great a Maiestie in him who can doe this that it makes euen the verie haire of the head stand on end and there remaines a mightie feare to offend so great a God but yet so as that it is wrapped vp in an excessiue kind of loue which she beginns to conceaue euen newly and freshly againe towards him whome she finds to carrie so great a loue to such rotten wormes as we are For now he seemes not content with drawing the Soule only to himself in so particular and so certaine a manner but that he will needs also draw the verie Bodie too euen whilst it is so very mortall and composed of so filthie earth as we haue made it by our Sinnes This also leaues in the Soule a very strange kind of loosning and casting it self off from all the things of this world whereof I know not how to expresse well what it is but me thinkes I may well say that it is not only in some sort a different but also a greater kind of thing then those others which worke vpon the onlie Spirit import For though in those other Visitations also there be a kind of totall vntying and loosning it self from all things for as much as concernes the Spirit yet heer it seemes our Lord is pleased that euen the Bodie also it self shall put this point in practise And it breeds in anie Creature such a new kind of shynesse and mislike in order to the things of this world that it makes euen our verie life much the more painefull to vs. It giues also such another paine as we can neither tell how to procure when we haue it not nor free our selues from the same when we haue it And I would be extreamly glad to be able to giue this to be vnderstood but I belieue I shall not know how to doe it though yet I will say somewhat if I be able But now it is to be noted that these things come vpon me when I am as it were in the verie Euening of the day after all those Visions and Reuelations whereof I will write after the time when I vsed to hold that Prayer wherein our Lord was wont to allow me so great Regalo's and gusts And though yet these things doe not cease with me at some times yet doth this Paine more often and more vsually seaze vpon me which I will now declare It hath sometimes of the more and sometimes of the lesse and now I will apply my self to speake of it as when it hath of the more For though I will treat heerafter of those great impetuosities which they vsed to bring vpon me before our Lord was pleased to giue me those Rapts yet they had in my opinion no more to doe by way of Comparison one with another then there is between things Corporall and Spirituall And I beleiue that I doe not exaggerate the matter a whitt by saying so because that Paine seemes to be such as that although the Soule doe feele it yet it feeles it
stiffe that I cannot possibly sometimes bring them togeather and so the paine remaines till the next day after in my wrests and in my Bodie in such a manner that it seems as if I were euen racked and disioynted And I am sometimes conceauing that our Lord may one day perhaps thinke fitt in case this course goe on to make it end with the verie ending of my life For so great a torment as this may well in my opinion be sufficient for so great an effect as that saue only that I deserue not to be so happie All the anxietie of my desire consists at this time that I may dye For I neither remember Purgatorie nor yet those great Sinnes which I haue committed for which I deserued Hell-Fire But all is now forgotten through that anxietie of desire and appetite to see Almightie God yea and that vast Solitude and Desert wherein I am at that time seemes a much more desireable thing then all the sweetest societie of this world If anie thing were of power to giue her cōfort in this case it would be that she might be able to treat with some one who had endured the same tormēt for now though she cōplaine therof it seems that no Creature can tell how to beleiue her It also contributes to her torment that this paine is so extreame that she would faine neither be in Solitude nor yet haue companie as others haue but only to haue the societie of some such persons as to whome she might be able to make her complaint It is with her in in this case as with one who euen hath the halter about his neck and who whilst he is euen strangling endeauours and would faine take his breath For iust so me thinkes doth this inclination to haue companie seem to be an effect of our naturall frailtie and weaknes that as this excessiue paine seems to put vs to iminent danger of death for it is certaine that it doth all this and I haue seen my self diuers times in this danger through my great sicknesses and other occasions as I haue declared and I will beleiue that this may perhaps proue to be as great as anie of the rest so the desire and inclination which both the Bodie and Soule haue not to be parted is that which seekes such a kind of succour as to take breath and by expressing it self and diuerting and complaining seeks yet for some meanes how to liue againe heer below though still much against the will of the Spirit or superiour part of the Soule which would faine not be quitt of this Paine I know not whether I hitt right in what I say or if I know indeed how to doe it but to the vttermost and best of my opinion it passes iust thus as I haue declared And now your Reuerence shall doe well to consider what kind of rest or ease it is possible for me to enioy in this life since that which I was wont to find by meanes of Solitude and Prayer for therein our Lord was pleased to giue me great consolations is now most vsually conuerted into this torment which yet withall is so delicious a kind of thing and the Soule perceaues it to be of so high value that now she delights in it more then in all those other Regalo's which she was euer wont to possesse For she holds it to be more secure as being the way of the Crosse and it giues also in my opinion a gust which is of mighty worth For she allowes nothing at all to the Bodie but paine and the Soule is that which originally suffers and doth only feele that ioy and high contentment which this verie suffering giues her I know not how all this can be but yet it passes so in verie truth that forasmuch as I can vnderstand of my self I would not change this Fauour which our Lord doth me and which proceeds as I haue sayd from his hand and is no way acquired by me as being wholy Supernaturall in it self for all those others which I I shall heer declare afterward I say not for all them togeather but for any one of them being taken seuerally by it selfe And heer let it not be forgotten how I say that these impetuosities or impulses which are described heer ariued after the Fauours which our Lord did me first as also after all that whereof I will write in this Booke yea euen after my entrance into the Fauour which I am enioying at this present And I finding my self in the beginnings to be in some feare as in effect it happens to me alwaies whensoeuer it pleases our Lord to doe me anie Fauour till at least in the proceeding therof I may haue receaued some kind of securitie from his Diuine Maiestie he willed me not to feare but to esteem this Fauour for greater then all those others were which he had formerly been pleased to vouchsafe me because the Soule was purifyed by this paine and for that it was burnished refined heer as gold might be in the Chrysuble that so it might be the more capable to receaue those enamels and ornaments of his guifts and graces and that so that was to be wiped away which would otherwise haue made worke for Purgatorie I vnderstood very well euen before that this was a great Fauour but yet I remained with much more securitie after this and my Ghostlie Father also tells me that it is good And though I were formerly afrayd yet because I am so wicked I could neuer bring my self to beleiue that it was ill but rather the verie greatnes it self of the benefit gaue me a kind of feare when I remembred how very farre I had been from deseruing it But Blessed be our Lord who is so good Amen It seemes that I haue gone from the purpose for I was beginning to speake of Rapts and this which now I haue sayd is a greater thing then a Rapt and so it leaues those effects in the Soule which I haue related And therefore let vs now returne to speake of Rapts and of that which is most vsuall therin I say then that it seemed to me manie times that it left my whole Bodie so light that all the weight thereof was vtterly gone yea and sometimes to such a kind of proportion as in effect I knew not how to set so much as my feet vpon the ground though yet when the Soule is in Rapt the Bodie remaines apart as if it were vtterly dead being able manie times to doe absolutly nothing at all of it self but as it chances to be at the time so it remaines whether it be sitting or no or whether it haue the hands either open or closed For though she loose her senses some few times and the same hath also hapned to me now and then yet haue they seldome been totally lost and that but for a very short time at once The most vsuall effect is wont to be that she finds her self a little in
disorder and though she can doe nothing of her self forasmuch as may concerne the ministerie of the exteriour part yet leaues she not to vnderstand yea and also to heare as if a thing were spoken to her from farre off I say not that she either vnderstands or heares when she is in the highest part of the Rapt I say in the verie highest at those times when the Faculties or Powers are lost because then they are very straightly vnited to Almightie God and then in my opinion she neither sees nor heares But as I was saying in the former Prayer of Vnion this totall transforming of the Soule into God is wont to continue little yet for the time it lasts no Power of the Soule either feeles or doth so much as know what passes there And this seemes to be after this manner to the end that men may vnderstand that it is not God's will that we should know it and belike we are not capable therof at least it hath passed thus with me But now your Reuerence will peraduenture aske me how then it can come to passe that a Rapt should be able to last so manie howers To which I answer that the thing which hath often occurred to me is this That as I haue declared already in the former Prayer we enioy Rapts by certaine interuals and interruptions For the Soule doth manie times ingulfe it self or rather to speake both more properly and more truly our Lord ingulfs the Soule into him and entertaines her so a while and then there remaines that onlie Facultie of hers which is the Will Now me thinkes that busines and bussle of the other two Faculties and Powers is like those little Needles of Sunne-Dyals which vsually doe neuer stand still but yet when the Sunne of Iustice hath a minde to it he makes them stable and firme now this I say lasts but a very little while But yet since the impulse and impetuositie was great and the exaltation of the Spirit high the Will remaines ingulfed and behaues it self like a Soueraigne Ladie ouer all those operations which concerne the Bodie though those other Faculties and Powers of the Minde be in agitation and disorder And so also since those other two sayd vnquiet and disorderlie Powers haue a minde to disturbe and distract the Will for of enemies the fewer euer the better the Senses are not suffered to diuert it And so it growes from hence that they are also suspended because our Blessed Lord is so pleased and for the most part the eyes are shut though yet we had no intention to shut them and though by accident they may be open sometimes yet as I sayd before she doth not fix or ayme or consider at least at all what she sees But now the Bodie heer is much lesse able to doe anie thing with it self in order to that time when the sayd Powers shall returne to be vnited for then there will not be much for it to doe And therefore let him to whome our Lord shall vouchsafe this Fauour not be discomforted at all if then he chance to find both the Bodie to be as it were bound vp manie howers yea and euen his verie Vnderstanding and Memorie to be diuerted sometimes True it is that Soules be ordinarily in this case euen drenched yea and as it were drowned in the praises of Almightie God and in desiring also to comprehend and vnderstand that which hath passed with themselues and yet euen for this purpose they vse not to be very well awake but rather like some one who hath slept and dreamt and is not yet come very well againe to himself I declare my thoughts so largely heerin because I know there are persons at this time yea euen in this verie place to whome our Lord doth these Fauours and yet if they who direct them haue wanted the experience of these things perhaps they will conceaue that they are to be as it were dead in these Rapts especially if these Directours be not learned men And it is matter both of pittie and greif to consider how much is suffered by meanes of such Ghostlie Fathers as doe not vnderstand this busines which I will declare afterward Perhaps I know not well what I say but your Reuerence will easily vnderstand if I hitt anie thing right since our Lord hath already giuen you experience therin though yet because it is not long since you began you will not peraduenture haue considered it so much as I. But now though I endeauoured much and manie times yet the Bodie hath not strength wherewith to stirre it self but the Soule carries it all along with her The person who was sick doth thus recouer health manie times and she who was full of weaknes and paine recouers strength For they be great things which are bestowed in these cases and sometimes our Lord is pleased as I was saying that the Bodie should also feele his part of ioy since already it yeilds obedience to that which the Soule desires When once she is returned into her self it will happen to her if the Rapt haue been great to goe a day or two yea and sometimes three with the Powers so absorpt and as it were stupifyed that they seem not to be altogeather themselues But now heer comes-in the paine to be able to know againe how to liue heer are our feathers imped and heer are the sick ones falne off and heer is the Banner of Christ our Lord so directly raised-vp and displayed that now there seemes to remaine no more but that the Captaine of this Fort may either get vp himself or els may instantly be carried-vp to the highest Tower there to plant the sayd Standard for the glorie of Almighty God She lookes now vpon them who are below as one who is already in safetie for now she is so farre from fearing dangers that she rather wishes for them as a person to whome in some sort a securitie for obtaining victorie is designed She sees now very clearly the little that all worldlie things ought to be esteeemed or rather the direct Nothing which all things are They who are seated very high are able to discouer very much Already she renounces the hauing of anie Will and is resolued to haue no other then that which is the Will of our Lord and she giues him also the keyes of hers So that now she who was the Gardner is growne to be the Gouernour of the House nor will she doe anie thing at all but according to the will of the Lord thereof nor will she be Ladie so much as of her self no nor of any thing nor euen of anie single Well of that Garden And if there be anie thing in her which is good she desires that his Diuine Maiestie may dispose thereof for she will not from that time forward possesse anie kinde of thing whereof the proprietie may be her owne but couets that all things may be entirely done in conformitie to the
will of our Blessed Lord and for his glorie Now really and with effect all these things are wont to passe in this manner if the Rapts be true and the Soule is vested with those aduantages and benefits which are related and if these doe not follow I should be apt to doubt very much that they were not Rapts on the part of God but should rather be inclined to feare that they were of that kind of Rauings whereof S. Vincent speakes At least this is what I vnderstand and I haue seen by experience it self that the Soule is wont in these cases to become a Ladie and Queen ouer all Creatures and to acquire so much Libertie of Spirit in lesse then an hower that she cannot euen know her self but yet she well vnderstands that all this is none of her owne nor doth she know how she could come to obtaine so great a blessing but yet still she vnderstands withall the extreame great benefit and aduantage which euerie one of these Rapts bring vpon her There is no Creature who can credit all this but such an one as hath learnt it by experience and therefore men beleiue not the poore Soule which they haue seen to be wicked and now find so very soone to pretend to doe certaine things of so high importance for instantly she resolues not to be content to serue our Lord in small matters but in the very greatest she can Now the world is apt to conceaue that such endeauours are but impertinencies and temptations and yet if men would but vnderstand and consider that they are not things which grow from themselues but from our Blessed Lord to whome they had already deliuered-vp the keyes of their Will they would not so much wonder at it For my part I am of opinion that a Soule which comes once to this state doth already neither doe nor euen say anie thing of her self but that this Soueraigne King hath care of all that which is to occurr O my deare God! and how clearly doth a Soule see heer the sense and signification of that Verse and how it is to be vnderstood that both he had reason and that all the world should also haue it to desire the vvings of a Doue For it is easily and clearly to be vnderstood of that Flight which the Spirit makes whereby to raise it self aboue all Creatures and in the first place from and aboue her self But this is a sweet Flight a gustfull and pleasant Flight and a Flight without noise What kinde of dominion doth such a Soule possesse which our Lord doth once conduct to this pitch that she may be able to looke downe vpon all things without being once intangled by anie of them and how full of confusion will she be for that time wherein she was intangled before And how much will she be amazed to looke-back vpon that blindnes of hers How full will she be of compassion for such as doe yet remaine therin especially if they be persons of Prayer and such as it pleases God to regale She will heer be glad to cry out very lowd that so she may make men vnderstand how mightily they are abused and deceiued yea and so she also doth sometimes And then men are apt to rayne downe euen whole showers of persecutions vpon her head and they treat her as one who wants Humilitie and who employes her self to teach those persons of whome she might doe well to learne and especially if she be a woeman for then come they in to condemne her yea and perhaps they may haue reason because they know not by what impulse she is moued But yet as she knowes not how to helpe her self on the one side so also can she not forbeare on the other to vnbeguile those persons whome she loues whome she desires to see vnfettered from the Prison of this life for that state wherein she was neither seemes lesse nor is lesse then a Prison She is also much afflicted and tired out with the thought of that time wherein she tooke anie care of points of Honour and for the grosse false errour wherein she was to haue beleiued that to be Honour which the world calls Honour for she sees that it was an abominable lye and yet that euer ie bodie liues in practise of that false Doctrine But now this Soule vnderstands and knowes That right Honour is not false but true esteeming that to be worth somewhat which indeed is so and holding that which indeed is nothing in no account at all since all is nothing and lesse then nothing which once comes to haue an end and in the meane time doth not please Almightie God She despises also and laughes at her self for the time wherein she made anie account of Monie and of the couetous desires thereof though yet in this particular I doe not beleiue and certainly it is very true that I euer had anie fault to confesse but it will haue been fault enough to haue held them in anie manner of account If with them I had been able to buy these blessings which now I find in my self I might haue esteemed them very much But now the Soule perceaues that this blessing is gotten best by leauing all things But what in fine is that which can be bought with this Monie which we so much desire Is it anie thing of true worth Is it anie thing which is durable Or to what end doe we desire it A miserable kind of supply and repose doe we procure by that which costs vs so deare for we often goe with it to Hell and we buy no other thing by meanes therof then endlesse torment in euerlasting fire O that all men would at length resolue to hold it but for earth which is good for nothing How orderly would the world then proceed How free would all places be from vniust contracts how sincerely would all men performe acts of freindship if once there raigned no interest either of Honour or monie in the mindes of men For my part I conceiue that the world would be reduced to good order This Soule sees also then that there is a great blindnes in the conceipt which men frame about the delights of this world and how we buy nothing by their meanes euen for this very life which we leade heer but affliction and disquiet How great disquiet and how little contentment and in fine what a deale of labouring in vaine And heer is the Soule able to discerne not only grosse Cobwebs and great faults but euen anie poore graine of dust how little soeuer it may be and so how much soeuer she may haue laboured to perfect her self if once the Sunne shine bright and if the same Sunne strike it through with those beames in good earnest she will find it to be dustie enough It is like a Glasse full of water which you will hold to be very cleare and pure vnlesse the Sunne shine vpon it but if you see it once falne vpon
whosoeuer is of experience may very easily discerne And now I haue sett downe the Effects which those Rapts that proceed from the Spirit of Almightie God are wont to produce It is true that some of them doe it more and some lesse I say lesse because though in the beginnings they worke yet then the Effects are not seen experimentally by way of outward expression nor can it be yet so well perceiued that they haue them and besides the perfection therof goes increasing and the Soule goes procuring that there may now be no memorie of imperfections which will appeare if there be any like so many Cobwebs and this now requires some time And by how much the more Humilitie and the Loue of our Lord encreases in the Soule so much the more sweet and fresh odour will these Flowers of vertue be sure to giue both to themselues and others And it is most certainly true that our Lord knowes how to worke so well vpon anie Soule in one of these Rapts that there will not much remaine for the Soule her self to worke and labour in towards the acquiring of perfection For no Creature is able to beleiue without direct experience vpon himself how much it pleases our Lord to bestow vpon a Soule in such an occasion as this nor is there anie kind of diligence of ours which can in my opinion attaine it I say not but that by the Fauour of our Lord such as employ themselues manie yeares by those wayes which they prescribe who write of Prayer both concerning the beginning and proceeding therof may ariue to perfection and to a totall vntying and loosening themselues from the things of this world with much labour and paines but neuer in so short a time whereas heer our Lord is pleased to worke it that presently without anie labour of ours And he expresly clearly drawes the Soule from the earth and whatsoeuer is earthlie and he giues her an absolute dominion ouer all things which are therin though yet there be not in this Soule anie more true value or merit then there was euen in mine Nor doe I know how to exaggerate this point more for in mine there was in effect none at all If now it chance to be asked why his Diuine Maiestie doth it there is no other answer but because he is pleased to doe it and he doth it also iust so as he is pleased and though sometimes there be no disposition in her at all to receiue it he yet disposes also the same to receiue that benefit and blessing which his Diuine Maiestie is pleased to impart So that he giues it not alwayes because the Gardner hath deserued it by dressing vp and cultiuating his Garden well though yet it be very certaine that whosoeuer doth this as he ought and doth procure withall to vntye his whole affection from things of this world will neuer faile to be regaled by him but sometimes because it is his pleasure as I haue sayd to shew his power and greatnes euen vpon the most barren Soile and to prepare it for the receauing all kind of good So that now she seemes not in some sort to haue so much as a Power to returne to liue in offence of Almightie God as she was wont but she hath her thoughts so habituated to vnderstand what is Truth indeed that all the rest seemes but a foolerie and fitt to make sport for children She smiles also in her self sometimes when she findes certaine graue persons who liue in the exercise of Prayer and Religion make account of certaine foolish points of Honour which such a Soule as this holds now to be directly vnder her feet Some will say that this is but discretion and a preseruing forsooth of their dignitie and ranke that so afterward they may be able to doe the more good But that other Soule vnderstands very well that they might haue done Almightie God more seruice in one day if they would haue made their authoritie and honour yeild and shrinke for the loue of Almightie God then they would euer doe in ten yeares by vpholding and authorizing the same after their way But thus doth this kind of Soule lead a certaine troublesome life and is euer subiect to the Crosse though yet euer going on with encrease And though the persons who vse to treat with her conceiue her sometimes to be euen already at the verie verie topp of Perfection yet doe they find shortly after that still she growes to be more improued for our Lord goes euer fauouring her more and more God himself is in effect her Soule and it is he who hath already taken the charge of her into his hands and he shines euen brightly in her and seemes to be assisting her after a kind of euident manner both that she may not offend him and by continually also fauouring and stirring her still vp to serue him When once my Soule ariued so farre as that Almightie God might be pleased to doe her this great Fauour my miseries and Sinnes did cease euen all at once and our Lord gaue me strength to quitt them and it moued me no more to be afterward in those occasions of imperfection and with persons who had formerly been wont to to bring distractions vpon me then if I had not been there at all nay rather that which was wont to damnifve me grew to assist me now and all things were now fitt meanes to make me know God more and to loue him better and to see how deeply I was obliged to him and to make me in fine very sorrie for what I had been But yet I well vnderstood withall that this came no way from me nor had I growne to gaine it by anie diligence of mine owne nor indeed had I euen had time for it but only his Diuine Maiestie through the meer and onlie motiue of his owne goodnes had giuen me strength for this purpose From the time when our Lord was pleased to afford me the Fauour of these Rapts this strength hath gone on with encrease and he hath also held me so fast with his hand that I might not returne back againe anie more And now me thinkes that it is nothing at all which I doe on my part but I vnderstand in a very euident manner that our Lord is he who workes and therefore I am apt to be of opinion that the person to whome our Lord doth shew these Fauours supposing euer that with all humilitie and feare he will vnderstand and acknowledge that it is our Lord himself who doth them and that in effect we doe nothing at all in the busines may put himself into anie companie and that how distracted and vitious soeuer it be it will not moue or euen concerne him but that rather it will be of helpe to him and minister him some occasion or other whereby he may reape more aduantage for his owne good For these are already made strong Soules which our Lord is pleased to
of my Soule and my Good thou Christ our Lord who wert Crucifyed I neuer call to minde the opinion which I entertained in this case but I am afflicted by it For I conceaue my self to haue committed a huge Treason therin against thee though yet my ignorance may peraduenture haue been some excuse I hauing been so particularly deuoted to the person of Christ our Lord throughout the whole course of my life for this other proceeding of mine occurred in the verie latter part therof I say in the verie latter part immediatly before our Blessed Lord vouchsafed me those Fauours of Rapts and Visions I continued a very little while in this opinion and so I euer came quickly back to delight my self with this deare Lord of mine and especially when I receiued the Blessed Sacrament I euer desired to haue some Picture of him in mine eye since I was not able to carrie him so deeply engrauen or stamped vpon my Soule as I could haue wished But is it possible O my deare Lord that euer anie such thought as this should be able to get in to my hart euen for one single hower as that thou wert to haue been able to hinder my obtaining my greatest Good Alas from whence came all the Benedictions and benefits which euer I receiued but only from thee But I will not so much as thinke that really I was faultie heerin but rather I am to pittie my self for that which certainly proceeded from ignorance in me And so thou didst vouchsafe through thy goodnes to redresse and assist me by helping me to one afterward who might deliuer me out of this errour and besides also by making me able to see thee so often as I shall declare heerafter that so I might the more clearly vnderstand how great that ignorance of mine was and finally to the end that I might publish the same to manie as I haue done already and that now I might also record it heer For my part I conceiue that the reason why manie Soules get not forward in the way of Profit and why they reach not to obtaine some very great libertie of Spirit when they ariue to vse Prayer of Vnion is this verie thing And I conceiue that there are two reasons vpon which I may well ground this opinion and though perhaps that be of no moment which I am going to vtter yet I will not forbeare to doe it because I haue found by experience that it went very ill with my Soule till it pleased our Blessed Lord to giue me light For all those Ioyes which she tooke came to me but by supps and gulps and when once I was past the present occasion I found not my self to haue such companie and strength for the enduring of tribulations and temptations as yet I mett with afterward But one of these reasons why men get not forward is that there may peraduenture goe a dramme of some certaine little want of Humilitie which lyes hidden and plaistered ouer in such sort that euen the person who is so faultie may perhaps not so very easily find it And who now will euer be so proud and wretched as I yea and that when he should haue laboured throughout the whole course of his life and made as manie Prayers and suffered as manie Pennances and endured as manie Persecutions as might be imagined would not yet find himself rich enough and abundantly rewarded and payd for them all when our Lord should giue him leaue to remaine at the foot of the Crosse with S. Iohn Nay I know not into what braine it would sinke but mine not to be content with such a felicitie as this who was euer a looser so manie wayes in all those things whereby I ought to haue been a gainer But now though our miserable fraile condition or els perhaps our sicknes should not permit vs to be alwayes reflecting vpon the Passion of our Blessed Lord yet at least what should hinder vs from remaining with him now that he is risen againe to Glorie since we haue him so neare vs in the Blessed Sacrament of the Aultar where we see him glorifyed now Nor need we behold him there so distressed and so afflicted so torne in peices so ouerflowing with bloud so wearied in those rugged High-Wayes so persecuted by those whome he benefited so highly and the while not so much as to be beleiued in by his verie Apostles For it is most certainly true that one hath not alwaies the hart to be euen able to reflect vpon so excessiue afflictions as he felt But now heer we haue him without paine and full of glorie giuing strength of bodie to some and courage of minde to others before he ascended vp to Heauen He makes himself euen our Companion in the Blessed Sacrament yea and seemes as if it had not been in his power to depart anie one moment from vs and that now it should yet haue been in mine to part from thee O my Lord yea and this that I might serue thee so much the better Let it passe my deare Lord if it please thee that when I sinned against thee I did not know thee but that now when I come to know thee I should fancie a meanes to my self of growing a greater gainer by this way O what an ill way was that and now I find that indeed I had vtterly lost my way if thou O Lord hadst not restored me to it for in seing that thou art neer me I haue seen that I haue all good things with thee Nor doe I euer meet with anie afflictiō or trouble but as soone as I consider in what kind of miserable posture thou wert carried and placed before those Iudges it growes instantly to be very easily borne With the presence of so deare a Freind and vnder the conduct of so good a Captaine as was pleased to put himself in the foremost ranke that so he might suffer most and first there is nothing which may not well be endured He assists and giues strength and courage yea and neuer failes He is a very fast and true Freind and I see clearly and I haue seen it yet againe that to the end we may be able to content Almightie God and that he may powre great Fauours downe vpon vs he is pleased that all should passe by the hands of this most Sacred Humanitie in which his Diuine Maiestie hath declared that he was much delighted I haue seen this truth by experience very very manie times besides that our Lord himself hath told me so I haue also clearly seen that we are to enter in by this gate if we desire that his Soueraigne Maiestie should communicate great secrets to our Soules So that Sir I wish your Reuerence not to put your self vpon anie other way then this though you should be euen vpon the verie highest topp of Contemplation for heer you shall find your self safe since this Lord of ours is he by whose meanes we are to receiue all
lasts no longer then the opening as it were and shutting of an eye for then in effect it is scarce felt at all but only by the very effects which it leaues behind it and when on the other side this Fauour continues to be of much longer extent But it occurrs to mee often to doubt whether the cause of this may not be that the Soule disposes not her self entirely for God till his Diuine Maiestie bring her vp and breed her for himself by little and little and so bespeake her to resolue her self all at once and giue her the verie strength of a growne man to the end that she may cast all as it were a thousand miles off as he instantly did with S. Marie Magdalen and as he also doth with others after the rate of their co-operating with him and as they suffer his Diuine maiestie to dispose of them wholy according to his owne good pleasure for els we know not how to beleiue that euen in this life Almightie God giues a hundred for one I thought also of this Comparison That supposing the thing to be all one which is imparted both to Beginners and Proficients it would be like to some one only food whereof manie feed all at once and that they who eat little of it preserue no more memory and remaine with no more effect of it then only some little sauour or smack for a while but they who feed more largely it giues them helpe to subsist and they who feed plentifully on it receiue encrease of strength and spirit by it yea and a Soule may feed so often and so fully vpon this food of life that she may come not to endure anie thing at all which shall not tast iust like that For she findes the very great benefit which she receiues by it and she hath her tast already so wholy made to that sweetnes that she had rather euen leaue to liue then to feed vpon other things which were all to serue in fine for nothing but only to take away the good tast which the former excellent food left in her mouth Besides no conuersation with holie companie is wont to be of so much vse and benefit in one day as in manie but we may be in it so long as that we may grow to be euen like them our selues if our Lord will be pleased to doe vs so much fauour But to conclude the mayne busines consists in what his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafes to doe and to whome he will be pleased to allow it though yet withall it grow to import very much that whosoeuer will pretend to receiue this Fauour must fully resolue himself to be absolutly dis-engaged and vntyed from the whole world yea and to esteem that Fauour of our Blessed Lord as highly as the thing deserues It also seemes to me as if his Diuine Maiestie were resoluing to try who they are that loue him Namely whether it be this Soule or that and that he would also discouer who himself is by imparting so high and soueraigne a delight to quicken and fortifye their Faith if it should chance to be dead or weake in the beleif of those great blessings which he meanes to giue her saying Behold this is but a single dropp of that huge and vast Sea of benedictions which I meane to giue to such as I loue And when he sees that they receiue it as he giues it he giues not only it but himself with it In fine he loues them who loue him And O what a good Louer and good Beloned is he Othou the Lord of my Soule O that I could find anie fitt words whereby I might giue to be vnderstood what thou bestowest vpon such as trust thee home and what they loose who ariue to this condition and yet will needs remaine still with themselues But doe not O thou my Lord permitt this since already thou dost more then this for our sakes in coming to so base and wicked a lodging as this of my hart Blessed maist thou be for euer and for euer Amen And now I returne most humbly to beseech your Reuerence that if you meane to impart these things which I haue written concerning my Prayer they may be very Spirituall persons to whome yow doe it For if they vnderstand no more then some one way or if they haue remained in the half way they will neuer be so well able to hitt right Now there are some whome Almightie God carries instantly by a very sublime kind of addresse and they perhaps will conceiue that others may also profit there and may quiet and calme the Vnderstanding and not serue themselues at all of the meanes of anie Corporeall obiect but yet these creatures with all this shall come in fine to remaine as dry as a stick And some who haue growne to enioy a little Quiet grow also to thinke of this fancie that Why forsooth may not they be able to obtaine as well the one as the other But such as these in stead of aduancing in the way of profiting their Soules shall really disaduantage themselues as I haue sayd So that in all this busines there will be need both of experience and prudence and I beseech our Lord grant them to vs through his owne goodnes THE THREE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She returnes to declare the course of her life and hovv she first beganne to thinke of grovving to greater perfection and by vvhat meanes she did it This Chapter is very profitable for such as are to gouerne Soules in order to Prayer and to make them knovv hovv they are to behaue themselues in their beginnings and of the benefit she reaped by knovving it her self I will now returne to that place where I gaue ouer the Discourse of my Life for I haue detained my self perhaps longer then I ought to the end that yet that which followes may grow to be the better vnderstood From hence forward this will be another new Booke I meane another new Life for hitherto it was mine but the Life which I haue liued since I beganne to declare these things of Prayer is that when God liued in me forasmuch as I could conceiue since I hold it to be impossible otherwise for me to haue giuen ouer both such ill actions and conditions in so short a time Let our Lord be euerlastingly praised for deliuering me in such sort from my self But I beginning now to free my Soule from the occasions of ill and to giue my self more to Prayer our Lord beganne also to doe me Fauours as one who in all apparance desired but that I would be content to receiue them His Diuine Maiestie did therefore then very ordinarily giue me the Prayer of Quiet and manie times that also of Vnion which lasted very long fitts of time But now when I vnderstood that there had occurred great Illusions of certaine woemen and deceipts which the Diuel put vpon them I beganne to be afrayd as considering the delight and sweetnes
married to one of my Cosen-Germans and I had much acquaintance there and by this meanes I procured that the Preist who was his great freind and withall so great a Seruant of God might come and speake with me for I intended to Confesse my self to him and to haue him for my Directour And now that Cauallier conducting him to me to the end that we might speake togeather and I remaining with extreame confusion to see my self in the presence of so holie a man gaue him some knowledge of my Soule and of the Prayer which I vsed for he excused himself from taking my Confession as telling me that he was very full of businesse and so indeed he was As for him he determined with a holie kind of resolution to conduct me as a person who was confirmed and strong for indeed I was to haue been so in all reason according to the Prayer which he saw I held that so I might no more offend Almightie God in the least degree But when I so quickly found his resolution concerning those little things from which as I sayd I had not the courage to depart instantly with so great perfection I was much afflicted and when I also found that he meant to carrie the busines of my Soule after such manner as if he would make an end as it were all at once by disposing and setling thereof I saw that I had need of much more consideration and care to be vsed towards me then that In a word I was of opinion that the meanes which he prescribed were not they whereby my remedie was to be procured for they were proper for a Soule which had been more perfect then mine But as for me though I had proceeded very farre in as much as might concerne the Fauours of Almightie God to my Soule yet for as much as concerned Vertue and Mortification I was but in the verie beginnings thereof And certainly I conceiue that if I had not been to treat with anie other then him my Soule would neuer haue improued and thriued For through the affliction which it gaue me to see how I did not yea and how as I thought I could not doe that which he prescribed it was enough to make me loose my hope and to giue-ouer the whole busines Sometimes I am apt to maruaile that Almightie God was not pleased to let this Scruant of his the holie Priest receiue a perfect knowledge of my Soule nor to encharge himself with the care thereof since he is a person who hath a particular facilitie and grace in beginning to gaine Soules to his Diuine Maiestie But I see that all this hapned for my greater good that so I might come to know and conuerse with so holie men as they of the Societie of IESVS are But in the meane time I remained in agreement with that Cauallier of whome I spake that now and then he should doe me the Fauour to visit me and heer I discerned his great humilitie since he would be contented to conuerse with so wicked a Creature as my self He beganne therefore then to visit me and to encourage me and to tell me that I must not thinke to deliuer my self from all my imperfections in one day but that by little and little Almightie God would doe it and that himself had remained some whole yeares in reforming some verie little light things as not being able to finish the worke sooner O Humilitie how great blessings dost thou bestow vpon them with whome thou remainest yea and euen vpon those others also who doe but euen approach to the possessours thereof This Saint for in my opinion I may well giue him this name with great reason related certaine particulars to me concerning himselfe which through his humilitie seemed weaknesses to him but he did it for my remedie and redresse and considering his condition and way of life they imported neither fault nor imperfection but as for me it was a very great one to be subiect to them Nor doe I say thus much by chance though perhaps I extend my self too farre in speaking of these verie little things but they import so much for bringing a Soule into the way of profiting in Spirit and for getting her out to flye which hath scarce gotten yet anie feathers that no bodie who hath not experience of it will beleiue it And I affirme these things heer the rather because I hope in Almightie God that this which I am saying now will doe much good For all my helpe and hope consisted in finding out the way how to cure me and in their exercising Humilitie and Charitie towards me yea and to haue patience also in perceiuing that I did not instantly and entirely amend my self And this man went with discretion by little and little and shewed me diuerse wayes how to ouercome the Diuel In the meane time I beganne to carrie so entire an affection to him that I could not receaue a greater ease and ioy then to liue that day when I might see him though they were but few When he delayed his Visits I was very much and very quickly troubled at it as doubting that he forbore to see me because I was so wicked When he came to know my so great imperfections yea and euen they might reach to be Sinnes though yet after I had begunne to treat with him I was somewhat mended and when I informed him also of the Fauours which Almightie God had been pleased to doe me to the end that he might giue me light he told me that all those seuerall things did not suite very well with one another and that those Regalo's were not belonging but to persons who were already very much improued and mortifyed That for his part he could not forbeare to be much afrayd because it seemed to him that there appeared an euill Spirit in some things though yet he would not absolutly resolue it but he wished that I should consider very well of whatsoeuer I vnderstood concerning my Prayer and so relate it to him Now heer the great trouble was that I could tell him nothing at all of what my Prayer was for indeed it is not long since Almightie God hath done me the Fauour of knowing either how to vnderstand it or declare it But as soone as he had expressed himself to mee the affliction which I had was great and the teares which I shed were manie through the feare I had For certainly I desired to serue and please Almightie God and I knew not how to perswade my self that it was of the Diuel only I feared least for my great sinnes our Lord might blind me so farre as that I could not vnderstand it But then turning ouer some Bookes to see if I could meet with anie thing concerning my Prayer I found in one which is called The Ascent to the Mountaine in that particular which concernes the Vnion of a Soule with Almightie God all those signes which I had in that state of my
not being able to thinke of anie thing for this was that of which I spake most that Namely I could not thinke of anie thing in distinct manner when I had that Prayer and I marked and noted those places with certaine lines wherein that passage was contained and then I deliuered him the Booke to the end that both himself and that holie Priest and Seruant of God of whome I spake before might consider it and make me know what I was to doe and whether perhaps they might be of opinion that I was to giue-ouer my Prayer altogeather For in fine to what purpose was I to thrust my self into those dangers if now after I had vsed this Prayer for almost twentie yeares togeather I had made no other benefit thereof but to be subiect to the deceipts of the Diuel and that therefore it were better for me not to vse this Prayer at all though yet it be also true that this shewed it self as a very sad and hard case to me since already I had found by experience how ill it went with my Soule without the exercise of Prayer So that now I could see nothing but miserie on all sides like one who were cast into a Riuer and to which side soeuer he should goe he might still haue the more danger to feare and were so come to the verie point as it were of drowning This is a very mightie affliction and of this kind I haue endured manie as I shall declare afterward For though perhaps it may seem not to import yet peraduenture it may indeed proue to be of vse towards the vnderstanding of how a Spirit is to be tryed For certainly the affliction which vses to be endured in these cases is very great and there is need of a nice hand and of a warye foot especially when men treat with woemen for our weaknes is very great and much mischeif may chance to ariue by telling vs that such or such a thing is certainly the Diuel without considering it first very well and remouing vs from those dangers which may occurr and aduising vs to keep things very priuate and that they also be carefull thereof themselues for this is fitt And heerin it is I who speake as one who haue endured affliction enough for not hauing had fitt persons with whome I might conferr about my Prayer but by asking first one and then another what might doe me good which hath done me hurt enough For now diuerse things haue growne to be publique which might well haue remained very priuate since they are not for euerie bodie 's vnderstanding and besides it may haue seemed as if they had been diuulged by me I well beleiue that those others did it without anie fault in them but that our Lord was pleased to permit it to the end that I might suffer by it I am farre from saying yea or so much as thinking as if anie of them related anie such particular as had passed from me to them in Confession for there was no such matter but yet in regard it came from me to such persons as to whome in the way of conference I gaue account of my feares to the end that they might assist me with giuing me light me thinkes they might haue kept my counsaile But how soeuer I durst neuer conceale anie thing from such persons in such occasions as those I say therefore that such as I was then must be counsailed with much discretion and animated and time must be expected for our Blessed Lord will helpe them as he did me which if he had not done the preiudice which I should haue suffered would haue been extreame by reason of my being so full of apprehensions and feares and especially considering to how great palpitations of hart I was subiect I wonder how this other accident did me not more hurt When therefore I had deliuered this Booke and made a relation of my Life and of my Sinnes the best I could though yet in grosse for I did it not in the way of Confession in regard he was a Secular person though yet still I made him vnderstand how wicked I was those two Seruants of Almightie God considered with great charitie and loue what might be conuenient for me to doe Now the Answer being readie which I expected with feare enough and I hauing recommended my self at that time to manie persons that they might recommend me ouer to Almightie God and my self also hauing been much in Prayer with affliction enough of hart to my self the Cauallier came to me at length and told me that in the opinion both of himself and of the other it was the Diuel and that the thing which would be fitt for me to doe was to treat about this busines with a certaine Father of the Societie of IESVS who if I would call him to me declare that I was in necessitie of his helpe would not faile to come and that I should giue him an account of my whole life by way of making a Generall Confession as also otherwise of my condition and that I must proceed in all things with much clearnes and that then in vertue of the Sacrament of Confession Almightie God would giue him more light where with to direct me and that they were men of great experience in matter of Spirit but that I should doe well to be very carefull not to swarue a whitt from what he sayd for that I would find my self in much danger if I wanted one to gouerne and direct my Soule As for mee he put me now into so great feare and paine that I knew not what to doe with my self and now there was nothing with me but weeping And being one day very much afflicted in an Oratorie I fell vpon reading a certaine Booke which it seemes our Lord brought to my hands and S. Paul is cited there saying That God is very faithfull and that he neuer suffers them vvho loue him to be tempted aboue their strength This comforted me very much and I beganne to consider about making my Generall Confession and to put in writing all the Sinnes and Blessings with the course and proceeding of my whole life the most clearly that I vnderstood and knew how to doe without leauing anie little thing out And I remember that when I read ouer what I had written and saw so manie Sinnes to haue been committed by me and in effect no good at all to haue been done it gaue me an extreame affliction and sorrow of hart It also put me to some trouble that they of the House should see me treat and conuerse with so holie people as they of the Societie of IESVS are for I was afraid of mine owne wickednes and me thought I should be obliged by that meanes to be wicked no more and to giue-ouer my entertainments and passe-times and that if I did not this it would be worse with me So that I procured both with the Portresse and with the Sacristin that
doe it himself as indeed he did nor yet could I euer imagine that it would proue to take effect with me as yet it fell out to doe because already I had vsed some endeauours that way and the affliction which I receiued by it was so great that I resolued to giue ouer the attempt as being a thing which I held not to be inconuenient to continue But now heer our Blessed Lord imparted both libertie and strength to me to put it in execution I told this verie thing to my Ghostlie Father and I gaue ouer that freindship according to what I had been commanded And it did them no little good with whome I had been wont to conuerse to see this resolution growne in me Almightie God be euer blessed and praised who gaue me that libertie and power in one moment which I had not been able to purchase and obtaine of my self by the multitude of those great diligences which I had vsed manie yeares in order to this end though yet I had employed my self so earnestly vpon this attempt that it had cost me a good part of my health But now this hauing been wrought and granted by him who is the Omnipotent and true Lord of all Creatures it put me not euen to the least paine or trouble at all THE FIVE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She treats heer of the vvay and manner of vnderstanding those vvords or speeches vvhich Almightie God is pleased to vtter to the Soule though yet vvithout hearing anie voice or sound and of some errours or abuses vvhich may happen heerin and hovv the right may be knovvne from the vvrong It is of much vse and profit for such as see themselues in this Degree of Prayer for it is declared very vvell and the Doctrine containes great instruction ME thinkes it should doe well to declare what kind of thing this Speech is which our Lord expresses to the Soule and what she also feeles to the end that your Reuerence may vnderstand it for from this verie time when our Lord did me this Fauour as I haue sayd the same thing is very vsuall with me euen till this verie present as I shall let you see by that which followes I say therefore that they are certaine Words very distinctly formed and that howsoeuer they be not heard with our eares of flesh and bloud yet are they vnderstood much more expresly and clearly then if they were so heard And to seeke to forbeare to vnderstand them yea and to resist the vnderstanding them how much soeuer it may be is a vanitie and a most impossible thing When in this world we haue a minde not to heare we may stopp our eares or els attend to other things if we will in such sort as that although peraduenture we may heare the words yet we shall not in that case vnderstand them But now in this discourse which Almightie God makes to the Soule there is no remedie at all but they make me harken to them whether I will or no they oblige the VnderstaÌ„ding to be very entire attentiue for the coÌ„prehending thereof For he who is able to doe all things is resolued that we shall vnderstand him and that which he resolues must be done and so he comes to be knowne to be the true Lord of vs all I haue very well experimented this truth for the resistance which I made him did last vpon the point of two yeares through the great feare wherein I was yea and euen now I make those tryalls sometimes but it serues me to little purpose I would faine declare the errours and abuses which may heer occurr though for a man who hath much experience me thinkes there should be few or none But indeed the sayd experience would be great as namely to know the difference when the Spirit is good and when it is ill and when perhaps the thing may also be but an apprehension of the verie Vnderstanding it self which may occurr or when the verie Spirit it self may speake to the verie self-same Spirit and I know not very well whether this may happen or no though euen this verie day I had a kind of opinion that it might When these Words are indeed of Almightie God I haue found the truth thereof in manie things which were told me two or three yeares before and they all fell out to proue true and till now not anie one of them failed There are also other things whereby it growes to proue very plaine that the Spirit is of God as I will declare afterward To me it seemes that a person recommending a thing to Almightie God with great earnestnes and apprehension may grow to make himself conceiue that he comes to vnderstand in some sort whether the thing shall be done or no and this I say is very possible but he who vnderstands things after this other manner will clearly discouer what it may be so great a difference there is between the two And if indeed it be a thing which the Vnderstanding deuises and makes how subtily and how delicately soeuer the matter goe he vnderstands that there is some part of himself in that which is ordained and sayd For it is no other thing then for a man to set a Discourse on foot or to harken to what another man sayes for then the Vnderstanding findes that it doth not harken then because it workes and the words which it goes framing in that case are as it were fantasticall and mute and confused and are not deliuered with that clearnes which those others haue And now heer it is in our owne power to diuert our selues or els to hold our peace when we speake but in this other case we haue no such power at all Another signe there is which is of more importance then all the rest for these things which are sayd by our selues haue no manner of operation and worke no effect at all But the other when our Lord is pleased to speake is not only of words but workes and though they be not words of deuotion but of reprehension they instantly dispose the Soule and they enable her and make her relent and they giue light and regale her and appease her And if she were in state of drynes and commotion and disorder these Words take all away as if it were with the hand yea and yet much better then so for it seemes that our Lord's busines is then to shew his mightie power and that his Words are deeds Me thinkes there is such a difference as there is between our speaking or hearing neither more â—orlesse For that which I speake I goe ordering as I was saying with my Vnderstanding but if another speake to me I doe no more then heare without anie trouble at all to my self One of these kindes of VVords is like some thing whereof we cannot well determine whether it be not as of a man who is half asleepe But this other is found to come from a voice so
hath anie experience will find that euerie word of this which I haue sayd is litterally certaine and I blesse Almightie God for enabling me to declare it as I haue done And now I end this part of the Discourse with saying that me thinkes when such Words proceed from our owne Vnderstanding we may easily come to know it if we haue a minde to it and euerie time that we are in Prayer we shall conceiue that we vnderstand them But in this other kind of Words or Speeches it is not so for it will be manie dayes wherein though I should desire to vnderstand somewhat of that kind it would be absolutly impossible and when at other times I haue no thought that way I must yet vnderstand it as I haue sayd And me thinkes that whosoeuer had a minde to deceiue others affirming himself to vnderstand that from Almightie God which is from himself might as well and it would cost him as little affirme that he heard it with his eares And it is a most certaine and reall truth that for my part I neuer thought that there was anie other way then that for the hearing and vnderstanding anie thing till I found in mine owne case that this which I haue now deliuered is true and it hath cost me as I sayd much trouble When these things proceed of the Diuel they doe not only not worke anie good effects but leaue also very ill ones behind them But this hath not hapned to me aboue twice or thrice and I haue instantly been aduertised by our Lord that they were of the Diuel And besides the great drynes which they leaue behind them they also giue the Soule much disquiet after the manner of those manie other times when our Lord hath permitted me to haue great temptations and troubles of Soule in different kindes and that I should often be tormented as I will declare heerafter But this is a certaine kind of disquiet of which we know not how to vnderstand from whence it comes but it seemes that the Soule resists it and is put into great disorder by it and is afflicted without knowing for what in regard that the Diuel saith that such or such a thing is not ill but good I conceiue that if one Spirit may be able to find and feele another the gust and delight which this Diabolicall Spirit giues is different in my opinion from the other after a most euident manner The Diuel may well deceiue some such person by giuing him gusts as neuer receiued anie before from Almightie God for these latter are gusts indeed which import a sweet strong well-imprinted quiet delightfull kind of pleasure and ioy for as for those little prettie deuotions of the Soule and certaine other slight feelings which be like little young flowers that are shaken off and lost vpon the least little wind of persecution I doe not call them Deuotions though yet they are good beginnings and holie motions but no way sufficient to determine whether the effects proceed from a good Spirit or a bad and therefore it will be very necessarie to walke in this kind of things with huge caution for such persons as shall not haue proceeded further in Prayer then thus farre may easily grow to be deceiued if they fall out to haue Visions or Reuelations For my part I neuer had of these last till God through his owne onlie goodnes gaue me Prayer of Vnion vnlesse it were that first time whereof I spoke and it hapned to me manie yeares agoe when I saw Christ our Lord and I would to God it had pleased his Diuine Maiestie that I had vnderstood at that time that it was a true Vision as I vnderstood it to be afterward for it would not haue been of small aduantage to me But now vpon these illusions of the Diuel there neuer growes any sweetnes or softnes and supplenes to the Soule but she remaines as if she were frighted and with much disgust And I hold it for very certaine that Almightie God will neuer permit the Diuel to deceiue anie Soule which puts no confidence at all in her self and which is fortifyed in the right Faith and resolues thus much for her part that she would dye a thousand deaths for the least Article thereof and who togeather with this Loue and Faith being infused into the Soule by Almightie God which is a Liuelie and strong Faith indeed procures alwayes to goe in conformitie with that which is taught by the Holie Catholique Church informing her selfe further by seuerall wayes as a person who is strongly seated in this truth That all the imaginable Reuelations of the whole world no not if she should see the verie Heauens open themselues could make her varie in the least point from the Doctrines and Decrees of the sayd Church But if she once come so farre as but to shake or wauer euen in one single thought against this or entertaine her self so farre as to say But novv if God himself say thus to me as he hath sayd such other things to Saints this may also be true I say not that she beleiue it but that the Diuel beginne to tempt her by this motion and that she be content to continue her self a little therein a bodie may see already that this is starke naught But for my part I beleiue that manie times euen these other first motions will hardly euer come so farre as euen but to set vpon such a Soule if she be already so strong as our Blessed Lord is wont to haue made such as to whome he vses to impart these Fauours For me thinkes she might be able to teare those Diuels euen to fitters whensoeuer there might be question of anie one single little Truth which the Church holds I say that if the Soule doe not find such a strength as this in her self and that the deuotion or Vision which she had doe not assist and help her-on therein let her not hold anie such Vision for safe because though the hurt of it be not instantly vnderstood it may perhaps grow by little and little to be great For to the vttermost of what I can discerne and know by experience the reputation and credit that such a thing is of the Spirit of God is setled and assured in such sort as that it also goes in conformitie to Holie Scripture And when it should be found to varie from this Rule though it were neuer so little I thinke I should be then much more sure without comparison that it were of the Diuel then now I haue assurance that it is of Almightie God how great soeuer I might find that assurance to be For in that case we should haue no need at all to goe in search after signes nor to enquire of what Spirit it were since this is so cleare a signe to make vs beleiue that it is of the Diuel that if all the world should endeauour to assure me that it were of God I would not beleiue it
lay vpon me And sometimes he tired me outright with asking me questions on the one side and making me some reproofe on the other and I had need of no lesse then all this so double and so weake a will I had He told me once that it was not to obey if withall I were not resolued to suffer and that I was to cast mine eyes vpon what he had been content toendure for me and that so the hardest things would become easie Another Ghostlie Father of mine to whome I was wont to Confesse my self in the beginnings gaue me once this aduise that since it had been found by tryall that the Spirit was good I should now carrie things in absolute silence and not giue notice thereof to anie Creature for that it was better to wrap-vp these kindes of things in that manner As for me I misliked not this for whensoeuer I was to declare them to my Ghostlie Father I grew to be so much troubled and conceiued my self to be so much affronted by it that I had much lesse difficultie to Confesse my greatest Sinnes And especially if I were to declare those highest Fauours which our Lord vouchsafed to impart I thought they were not likelie to beleiue it but to make a ieast and scorne of me But indeed I was cheifly troubled so much at it because it seemed to amount to a kind of irreuerence towards the wonders of Almightie God and for this reason I would haue been glad to conceale them But I quickly came to vnderstand how that Ghostlie Father had giuen me very ill aduise and that I was by no meanes to conceale anie thing from him who was to receiue my Confessions because there was much securitie for me to deale clearly with him and that if I proceeded otherwise I might perhaps fall into errour at one time or other Whensoeuer our Lord commanded me anie thing in my Prayer if my Ghostlie Father chanced to bid me doe otherwise our Lord would returne to command me to obey my Ghostlie Father and yet againe afterward his Diuine Maiestie would direct him to command me to doe that verie thing which our Lord himself had commanded me to doe before When once they tooke manie Bookes written in Spanish from me that I might not reade them I was much troubled at it for some of them serued me for recreation and now I was not able to reade them because there were none left there but in Latin But then our Blessed Lord sayd these words to me Be not troubled for I vvill giue thee a Liuing Booke I could not for my part vnderstand why this had been sayd to me for then I had neuer had Vision but within a little while after I vnderstood it very well for I haue had so much to thinke of and to recollect my self about concerning those things which I saw before me and our Blessed Lord hath shewed me so great loue as to instruct me by such a multitude of wayes that I haue had very little need of Bookes or rather in effect none at all for his Diuine Maiestie hath been that true Booke to me wherein I haue indeed seen Truths And now blessed be such a Booke as this which leaues that imprinted in the verie hart which is to be read yea and so as that it can neuer be forgotten Who can ouer see our Blessed Lord all couered-ouer with wounds and afflicted with persecutions of all kindes and yet not be contented to embrace them yea and to desire them and to loue them Who can see though but a very little of that Glorie which he giues to such as serue him and not come instantly to know that all that which we can possibly euer either doe or suffer heer is directly nothing since we hope for so high a reward He who sees the torments which the damned Soules of Hell endure how can he choose but esteem all the torments of this life to be a kind of delightfull thing in comparison of those others and how can he choose but know the mightie obligation which he hath to our Blessed Lord for hauing deliuered him so often out of that sad place But because I meane heerafter by the Fauour of Almightie God to speake more of some particular things of these kinds I now intend to declare the processe of mine owne Life and for the present I beseech Almightie God that I may haue knowne how to expresse my self in that which I haue sayd already I well beleiue that whosoeuer shall haue had experience will haue vnderstood me and will haue seen that I haue hapned vpon saying somewhat which is to the purpose but I shall not wonder a whitt if such as haue none shall conceiue that I haue been talking idly all this while It suffices me to say as I haue sayd that so I may remaine free from fault nor yet will I blame anie other who shall be of a different opinion Our blessed Lord giue me grace that I may neuer faile in fulfilling his holie will Amen THE SEAVEN AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She treats of another vvay hovv our Lord instructs a Soule and giues her to vnderstand his VVill after a very admirable manner vvithout anie speech at all She also declares a certaine Vision and great Fauour vvhich our Lord shevved her and this Vision vvas not Imaginarie This Chapter is very much to be noted BVt now returning to the Discourse or Historicall part of my Life I remained with much affliction and trouble but it was accompanied with manie prayers as I was saying which were made to our Lord that he would be pleased to conduct my Soule by some other way which might be more secure since they told me that the former was to be suspected Yet true it is that howsoeuer I begged it much of Almightie God yet considering how euidently my Soule was improued by the course which I held before I could neuer find it in my power to desire it hartily and home though yet still I did it in some sort vnlesse it were sometimes when I was euen distressed and all tyred out by the things which they sayd to me and by the frights into which they put me For now I was wholy growne to be another Creature and therefore I could not cordially desire it Only I put my self into the hands of Almightie God beseeching him that since he knew what was fittest for me he would be pleased to accomplish his holie Will in all things concerning me But now I saw plainly that by this way of mine which they suspected my Soule was euen carrying-vp to Heauen which formerly was dropping downe to Hell And why therefore should I desire that this course might be changed For as for beleiuing that it was of the Diuel it was not in my power euen to constraine my self to it though yet I did what I could to desire that I might be able to beleiue it but it was not as I sayd in my power I offered to
this end some little poore good workes which I did if I did anie I became deuoted to some Saints to the end that by their meanes I might be deliuered from the Diuel I performed the Deuotions of Nine Dayes I recōmended my self to S Hilarion and to S. Michael also the Archangell for I had lately applyed my self to him for this purpose and I importuned also mame other Saints that our Lord might be pleased by their intercession to conduct me in the way of Truth I say that they would find some meanes to perfect this busines of mine with his Diuine Maiestie In fine after the end of two yeares which both I and other persons had wholy employed with all their prayers and mine in order to this end that our Lord might be pleased either to conduct my Soule by some other way or els vouchsafe to declare that this way wherein I went was right for now those VVords and Speeches which I haue related that our Lord would be vttering to me sometimes were growne very ordinarie euen continuall that chanced and occurred to me which I will now declare As I was in Prayer one day and it was vpon the Festiuitie of the Glorious S. Peter I saw standing very neer me or rather to say better mee thought I felt for indeed I saw nothing at all with the eyes either of my Bodie or of my Minde that Christ our Lord was close by me and I found in fine that it was he in my opinion who was speaking to me But now I who was extreamly ignorant till then that there might be anie such thing in the world as such a Vision fell at the first into a mightie feare and I could doe nothing but weepe though yet through his giuing me assurance by his speaking but one onlie word I found my self as I had formerly been not only without feare and very quiet but euen with Regalo and delight Me thought that Christ Iesus our Lord went euer close to me on one side but the Vision not being Imaginarie or represented in any Forme I perceiued not in what shape he was But as for his being euer on my right side I found and felt that very clearly and that he was the witnes of whatsoeuer I did and that I could not be recollected though it were neuer so little or rather indeed vnlesse I were much diuerted or distracted but I must needs in fine vnderstand that he was very neer me I then went immediatly to my Ghostlie Father being sufficiently vexed and greiued that I must let him know it He asked me what Forme or Figure he had when I saw him and I told him that I had not seen him Vpon this he enquired then how I knew that it was Christ our Lord. To this I answered that I knew no more but that I could not possibly faile or forbeare to vnderstand and know that he was close to me and that I found and felt it plainly and that now the recollection of my Soule in Prayer of Quiet was farre greater and more continuall that the effects were very different from those others which I had formerly found and that the thing was very certaine and cleare For my part I could doe no more but bring diuerse Comparisons whereby to giue my self to be vnderstood but yet certainly in my opinion there is none which can suite very well to expresse this kind of Vision For as this is one of the highest kind as I was told afterwards by a certaine holie man and of great Spirit called Fray Pedro de Alcantara whome I shall mention afterward more at large and the same hath been also told me by other great learned men and that this is one of those Fauours where the Diuel can least intermeddle or intrude himself of all others so haue we heer no words or tearmes at all wherewith to declare it at least we who know so little though such as are learned will peraduēture be able to doe it better For when I say that I neither saw this with the eyes of the Bodie nor of the Minde because it was no Imaginarie Vision how come I to vnderstand and how can I vndertake and affirme more clearly certainly that Christ our Lord was standing neer me then if I had seen him with my verie eyes For it seemes indeed to be as if a person were in the darke who sees not another that stands by him or as if the same person were blind Some resemblance I say this carries though yet not very much For in this last case a man may come to know it by the way of seuerall Senses because he may heare the other speake or stirre or he may touch him But heer there is nothing of all this nor is there heer anie darknes at all but only the thing is represented to the Soule by a certaine notice which is more cleare then the Sunne I say not that anie Sunne is seen nor anie clearnes or brightnes at all but only a certaine light which illuminates and informes the Vnderstanding though yet without seing anie light to the end that the Soule may enioy so high a good Now this brings great benefits with it Yet is it not like such a Presence of God as manie times is felt in the Minde and especially by such persons as be ariued to Vnion and Quiet Prayer who in resoluing to beginne to make that Prayer seem to find the person readie at hand to whome to speake and we seem to vnderstand that he heares vs by the effects and spirituall feelings which we find of great Loue and Faith and other firme purposes and resolutions accompanied with much tendernes of Denotions This is a great Fauour of Almightie God and let him esteem it much who hath it for it is a very eleuated and high Prayer but yet it is no Vision but heer it is vnderstood that Almightie God is there by the effects which as I haue sayd he workes in the Soule for in this manner of Prayer doth his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafe to giue hemself then and there to be felt But now heer it is clearly found that Christ Iesus the Sonne of the Virgin is present In that other manner of Prayer there are certaine influences of the Diuinitie represented but heer togeather with them we find that the most Sacred Humanitie also of Christ our Lord doth accompanie vs to doe vs fauour My Ghostlie Father then asked me this question VVho told you that it vvas Iesus Christ Himself told me so answered I and that manie times but yet euen before he told me so it was im printed vpon my Vnderstanding that it was he yea and euen before this he told me so and yet still I saw him not If anie man whome I had neuer seen but only had heard newes of him should come to speake with me I being either blind or in the darke and should tell me who he were I should beleiue him and yet I could not so
resolutly affirme him to be that person as if I had seen him But yet now in this other case I could for heer there is imprinted so cleare a notice of him in the Minde without seeing him that it seemes a kind of impossibilitie to doubt it for our Lord will haue it so engrauen vpon the Vnderstanding that it can no more be questioned then euen that which we see no nor yet so much for in things which we see there remaines sometimes a suspicion whether we might not haue fancied such a thing and so mistaken it But heer though vpon the suddaine and as it were by way of surprise one may beginne to fall vpon a kind of suspicion or doubt yet still vpon the whole matter we remaine in so great a certaintie as that the doubt continues not to haue place And so also doth it fall out though yet in a different manner that God instructs the Soule speakes to it but yet without speaking at all in such sort as I haue already declared This is a certaine kind of language which hath so much of the Celestiall in it that it cannot well be giuen to be vnderstood by vs heer how much soeuer we may desire it vnlesse our Lord himself be pleased to teach it by experience For our Blessed Lord conueyes and places that in the most interiour part of the Soule which he is pleased that the same Soule shall vnderstand and know and there doth he represent it without either anie image of his person or anie forme of words but only after the way of that kind of Vision which I haue already touched And now let this manner of Almightie God's making the Soule vnderstād what he will in the way of great Truths and mysteries be much obserued For manie times that which I vnderstand when our Lord declares anie Vision which his Diuine Maiestie is pleased to represent to me is after this manner and me thinkes it is in such occasions as where the Diuel is least able to intermeddle or intrude himself for these reasons and if they be not found I am likelie enough to be deceiued Now this kind of Vision and language is so inwardly a thing of Spirit that heer there is no kind of springing or euen stirring in anie of the Powers of the Minde nor yet in anie of the Senses of the Bodie in my opinion by which meanes the Diuel may be able to make himself the gainer Thus I say it happens sometimes as namely when it lasts but a very little while For at some other times me thinkes that neither the Powers of the Minde are suspended nor yet the Senses of the Bodie disabled but that they are all at home and in vse The other happens not alwayes in this degree of Contemplation but rather very seldome I say that when they are so lost we neither operate anie thing nor doe anie thing but all seemes to be the worke of our Lord. It is as when a food is already conueyd into the stomack without either our hauing eaten it or so much as knowing who layd it there but only we vnderstand well that there it is though in that case it be neither knowne what the food is nor who carried it thither But heer it is very differet for here the food is knowne though yet how it got thither I cannot tell for neither did I see it nor vnderstand it nor was I euer moued to desire it nor had it euer come to my knowledge before that such a thing could possibly be In the Speech vpon which I touched before Almightie God makes the Vnderstanding obserue and reflect vpon that which is sayd whether it desire to vnderstand or no. For there it seemes that the Soule hath some other kind of eates wherewith to heare that he makes her harken and not the while to thinke of somewhat els as if one who could heare well were not suffered to stopp his eares and that they cryed out alowd to him who would therefore be faine to heare them whether he would or no but somewhat in fine he doth since he is attentiue to vnderstand what they say But heer the Soule doth inst nothing for euen that little which was done in the former way and which was only to harken is taken from her now for now she findes all dressed to her hand yea and all eaten by her too So that now there is nothing to be done by her but to enioy Iust so as anie one who without euer hauing learnt or so much as endeauoured to read and much more without anie studying at all should find that whole Science already possessed by himself and that without knowing at all either how or whence it came since he had neuer procured to acquire it with so much as learning his A. B. C. And this last Comparison me thinkes declares some part of this Celestiall guift for the Soule findes her self heer to be growne wise vpon a suddaine and that the Mysterie of the most Holie Trinitie and other most sublime Articles are so exactly declared to her that there is not anie Theologue or Diuine in the world with whome she might not aduenture to dispute concerning the truth of those high points The Soule remaines heer in such an amazement that some one such Fauour as this suffices to worke a totall change in her and to make her loue nothing but only him who without anie labour at all of hers hath made her capable of so vnspeakable blessings and to whome he communicates his secrets and whome he treats with arguments of so great and deare friendship and loue that they endure not so much as to be written For he doth some such kinds of Fauour as might euen bespeake a kind of suspicion and doubt in the hearer in regard that they are of so great admiration and haue been imparted to a person who hath deserued them so very ill And in fine if we bring not a very Liuelie and euen lusty Faith with vs they cannot be beleiued and therefore I resolue to speake of few of those which our Lord hath been pleased to vouchsafe me vnlesse I be expresly commanded and vnlesse it be of some few Visions which perhaps may ferue to doe good in some kind To the end that anie such persons as to whome our Lord may be pleased to impart the like may not wonder and thinke it impossible as I did or els that so I may declare the manner and way by which it hath pleased our Lord to conduct my Soule that being the verie thing which they haue commanded me to write Returning therefore now to this manner of vnderstanding these kinds of things me thinkes our Lord is pleased that by all meanes this Soule of ours should haue some notice heer euen of that which passes in Heauen and that as Soules doe there vnderstand one another really without speaking which for my part I neuer knew before and this is most certainly true till our
by procuring that few may haue the witt to vnderstand thee right But now to what a passe are we come since some will needs conceiue that God is the better serued by them when they get themselues to be held for discreet and wise yea this indeed must needs be so as now we are growne to vnderstand the word Discretion For now we will needs make our selues beleiue that it is matter forsooth of small edification not to goe vp and downe the world with great authoritie and composition of cloathing and dressing euerie one according to his condition Nay euen to the Fryer and Preist and Nunne some are now growne to be of opinion that to weare anie thing which is old or peiced were a kind of noueltie and a giuing scandall to the weake and so it is also now if they liue with much recollection and vse Mentall Prayer To such a passe the world is growne But the studie and practise of Christian Perfection the great impulses which the Saints were wōt to haue for the obtaining thereof is the thing which I beleiue doth more harme to the miserable wretched actions which are cōmitted by euill men in these times then it could possibly be of scandall to anie Creature that such as are Religious should publish that to the world by their workes of which they talke by their words to the end that so Mankinde might grow to hold this world in meane accoūt For out of such kindes of scandall as these our Lord would draw great seruice for himself good for them And if some men would needs be scandalized at it others would yet haue remorse at least we should remaine with some little designe or draught of that which Christ our Lord his Apostles endured for vs since we haue now more need of it then euer But O what an excellent example did Almightie God take lately from vs in the person of that Blessed man Fray Pedro de Alcantara The world was now no longer able euen to endure such a Perfection as his for now forsooth they say that the health of men is growne weaker and that now we doe not liue in those former times But that holie man liued in this time and yet he had as full and great Spirit towards Almightie God as men had in the dayes of old and so he trode the world downe vnder his feet And though euerie bodie doe not goe bare-foot nor performe so sharp and strict pennance as he yet are there manie other wayes as I haue sayd before whereby a man may treade the world vnder his feet and our Lord will teach vs these wayes when he findes that a man's minde is fitt and well-prepared for them And how great an one did Almightie God bestow vpon this Saint of whome now I speake to goe through seauen and fourtie yeares of his life with so sharp and rigourous pennance as is generally knowne And I will say some little thing of it because I know that it is all most certainly true He told me a certaine particular and so he also did an other from whome he was as little curious to conceale himself as from me but as for me the only reason why he did it was the loue he bore me because our Lord would haue it so to the end that he might help me and encourage me also in a certaine time of so great necessitie as I haue related And now I will declare how to the best of my remembrance he said that he had slept but one hower and a half in the foure and twentie howers of day and night for two and fourtie yeares togeather and that it was the greatest mortification and trouble of pennance that he had felt in those beginnings to ouercome himself in point of sleep and that in order also to this end he was alwaies at other times either standing vpon his feet or els kneeling and that only when he slept he satt and that with his head leaning aside vpon a certaine little peice of wood which was fastned for that purpose in the wall To extend his bodie at length in his Cell was not possible for him though he should haue a minde to it for it is knowne to haue had but foure foot and a half in length In all these two and fourtie yeares he neuer put on his Capouch or Hood how hot soeuer the Sunne or how great soeuer the rayne might be nor did he euer weare anie thing vpon his feet nor was his bodie clad but only with a Habit of thick course Sackcloath without anie other thing at all vpon him and this was so very straight as that he might be only able to put it on with a little short Mantle of the same vpon it He told me that when the weather was extreamly cold he was wont to put off his sayd Mantle and to leaue also the doore and the little window of his Cell open that so when afterward he put the Mantle on againe and shut his doore he might giue his bodie so much contentment by it as that it might be quieted without more cloathing It was a very ordinarie thing with him not to eat till the third day after he had eaten last and he told me by way of answer to the wonder in which I was at it that this was a thing very possible for one who would accustome himself to it And a certaine Companion of his also told me that it hapned for him sometimes not to eat anie thing at all in eight dayes but that perhaps might happen when he was in Prayer for he vsed to haue great Rapts and vehement impulses or impetuosities of the loue of Almightie God whereof my self was once an eye-witnes His pouertie was extreame and so also was his Mortification euen from his youth For he told me that in his time it had hapned to him to liue three yeares in some one House of his owne Order and yet not to know anie one of the Religious of the same House but only by their speech for he neuer lifted-vp his eyes and so whensoeuer he was to goe of necessitie to anie place either in the streets or vpon high-wayes he could by no meanes tell how to doe it but by following the other Religious As for woemen he neuer looked vpon anie of them for the space of manie yeares and told me that it was iust all one with him to see anie bodie or not to see them When I came at length to know him he was very old and his weaknes and leanenes so extreame that he seemed not to be composed made but as euen of the verie rootes of trees With all this sanctitie of his he was very affable though yet he were wont to expresse himselfe in very few words vnlesse it were by occasion of some questions which might be asked him and in that case he was excellent companie for he had a very choice Vnderstanding I could haue a minde to
say very much more of him if I feared not that your Reuerence would aske me why I put my self vpon this kind of discourse yea and I haue not written euen this little without some feare And therefore I say no more but only that he dyed as he liued in preaching and admonishing the Religious of his Order And when he saw that he was euen come to an end he sayd the Psalme of Laetatus sum in his quae dicta sunt mihi in domum Domini ibimus I haue reioyced in that vvhich they haue sayd to me vve vvill goe into the house of our Lord and so stooping dowe and kneeling he dyed After this our Lord hath been pleased to let me enioy more of him now then I did when he was aliue for he giues me counsaile in diuerse occasions and I haue seen him manie times in extreame glorie The first time that he appeared to me he sayd O hovv happie pennance vvas that vvhich hath obtained so high a revvard with manie other things of that nature A yeare before he dyed he appeared to me when we were absent from one another and it was declared to me that he should dye and I aduertised him thereof whilst he was distant some leagues from me At the instant when he expired afterward he also appeared to me and told me that he was then going to rest I did not beleiue the thing but yet I related it to some and within eight dayes after the newes came to vs that he was dead or rather to speake more properly that he had then begunne to liue for euer And heer behold how the seuere Pennance of his life was finished in so large a proportion of glorie that me thinkes he is of more comfort to me now then when he was heer Our Lord told me once that men should not aske anie thing in his name wherein he would not heare them and my self haue recommended manie to him to the end that he might begg them of our Lord and I haue found them granted Let the same Lord be Blessed for euer Amen But what a talking haue I kept heer that so I might stirre your Reuerence vp not to make the least account at all of anie thing in this world as if you knew not this already or as if you were not resolued to leaue it all or rather as if you had not already put all this in execution But I see such a deale of perdition in the world that howsoeuer my saying it serues for nothing but only to wearie me by writing it yet withall it is a kind of vnwearying and ease for me to doe it and so all that which I am saying proues to be against my self Our Blessed Lord forgiue me whereinsoeuer I may haue offended concerning this particular and I beseech your Reuerence also to pardon me for incommodating you to little purpose but it seemes that I will needs make you doe Pennance for that wherein my self commit the Sinne. THE EIGHT AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She treats of the great Fauours vvhich our Lord did her and hovv he appeared to her the first time She declares that it vvas a Vision vvhich shevved it self by vvay of the Imagination and discouers the great effects and testimonies vvhich such things leaue in the Soule vvhen they are of Almightie God This Chapter is of great instruction and deserues to be noted much BVt now to returne to our purpose I had that kind of Vision aforesayd for some few dayes after a kind of continuall manner and it was so vsefull to me that I neuer went then out of Prayer and besides whatsoeuer I then hapned to doe I procured it might be in such sort as that it should not displease him whome I euidently saw to be there as a witnes of all that which passed And though it be very true that sometimes I had some feare through the multitude of those things which they would be saying to me yet that trouble would not vse to last long because I was well assured and satisfyed by our Lord himself Being one day in Prayer it pleased our Blessed Lord to shew me his Hands and nothing but his Hands and they had such an excesse and heigth of beautie in them as I am not able by anie meanes to expresse But this struck me into a very great feare as indeed euerie noueltie is wont to bring me in the beginnings of anie Supernaturall Fauour which our Lord is pleased to doe me Within few dayes after this I saw also his Diuine Face which did totally me thinkes leaue me absorpt For my part I could not vnderstand why our Blessed Lord shewed himself to me so by little and little since afterwards he resolued to doe me the Fauour that I might see him all till I came to vnderstand that our Lord went guiding and conducting me according to my naturall weaknes And let him be eternally Blessed for it since so great and high Glorie as that all togeather encountring with a Subiect which was so base and wicked as my self would neuer haue been endured and thus our Blessed and Mercifull Lord went so disposing of things as I haue heer expressed Your Reuerence will perhaps imagine that there was no need of much courage and strength of mind for the beholding of a Face and Hands which were so beautifull But yet it is to be vnderstood that such Bodies as are glorifyed haue so very great a heigth of beautie that the glorie which they bring to behold a thing so delightfull and Supernaturall doth euen as it were exceed our capacitie and so consequently I grew to be all in much disorder and trouble though yet afterwards I remained with certaintie and securitie and such other effects as that all feare did quickly vanish Vpon a certaine day of S. Paul whilst I was hearing Masse the whole Humanitie of Christ our Lord was represented to me as it vses to be painted after the Resurrection but with so great Beautie and Maiestie as I wrote once to your Reuerence when you commanded me so expresly to doe it and I remember that I was troubled enough at it For in fine those things cannot be done without a bodie 's euen annihilating her selfe who doth them but yet howsoeuer I did what you commanded me the best I could and therefore I need not take care to repeate it so parparticularly now Only I will declare thus much that if there were no other thing euen in Heauen to giue delight and gust to our sight but only the excessiue beautie of Glorifyed Bodies that felicity would be euen immense but especially to behold that most Sacred Humanitie of Iesus Christ our Lord must be matter of incomparable Glorie For since the Maiestie thereof is discouered to be so great whensoeuer it is represented to vs heer according to that proportion where of our miserie in this mortall life of ours is capable what doe we thinke it will then occurr to be when we shall so very
entirely be admitted to enjoy so high a Good This Vision though it be Imaginarie or representing it self by way of Mentall Image to the Imagination was neuer seen by me by these eyes of my Bodie nor indeed was anie other Vision that I euer had but only by the eyes of my Minde And they who know these things better then I affirme that the former Vision is of a higher more perfect kind then this and this also much more then those others which are seen by these eyes of Flesh and Bloud For these latter they say are of the lowest kind of all and wherein the Diuel is able to induce impose most Illusions though yet then I could not vnderstand any such matter but rather desired that when I was to receiue anie Fauour of that kind it might be so as that I might see it with my corporeall eyes to the end that my Ghostlie Father might no longer tell me that I did but fancie such things And so it hapned also to my self as soone as it was past but it was euen as it were but at the verie instant that euen my self also conceiued that I did but fancie it indeed and so I was a little troubled sometimes for haueing told my Ghostlie Father as I did as doubting whether I had not deceiued him And now this was the occasion of another lamentation of mine and so I went to him againe and told him of it Vpon this he asked me whether indeed I had thought so before and whether I had anie purpose to deceiue him As for me I told him what I held to be the truth I who forasmuch as I am able to vnderstand of my self had no minde at all to lye nor intended anie such matter as that nor would I for the whole world haue told him anie one thing for another Now this did he know very well and so he did his best to quiet me But I had so great auersion from going to giue him trouble with these things that I know not how the Diuel could make me for my greater torment conceiue that I had feigned in what I had sayd But our Lord made such hast to doe me a Fauour and to vnfold this truth to me that I grew quickly to be out of all doubt whether it were a thing of fancie or no and since that time I see my follie very clearly For though I should employ manie yeares in conceiuing how I might be able to figure a thing of so extreame beautie I should neuer haue either the power or the witt to doe it for it did farre exceed all that which can possibly be imagined in this world by the verie clearnes and brightnes thereof Nor yet is it anie such brightnes as dazles but a brightnes which is accompanied with a most sweet kind of beautie a brightnes I say there is infused which giues extreame delight to the sight and which is farre from wearying it nor doth the light thereof also offend whereby we see this obiect of so Diuine Beautie This I say is a light so very different from all that of this inferiour world that euen the brightnes of the Sunne it self which we see is so dimme and dull a thing in comparison of that claritie and light which is represented to our sight by this meanes that euen the eyes would searce open themselues to behold it For it is as if it were a most pure water running all vpon Christall with the Sunne reflecting vpon it and striking through it in comparison of some other which were of a muddie kind and in a clowdie day and which were running also vpon earth Not yet that there is anie Sunne represented in it nor is that Light like the Light of the Sunne for in fine this Light of the Vision seemes a very naturall Light whereas the other is but a kind of artificiall thing in comparison thereof This is a Light which neuer sets but as it is euer Light so is there nothing which can disturbe it but in fine it is a thing of such a kind as that how sublime soeuer the vnderstanding of anie Creature might be he would neuer in all the dayes of his life be able to conceiue rightly what kind of thing it were And it pleases Almightie God to set it before vs so very speedily that we cannot open our eyes so soone if that were needfull for the seeing it but it helpes vs indeed no more in this case to haue them open then shut For whensoeuer our Lord is pleased we see it euen whether we will or no. Not is there anie distraction in the world which may be able to diuert vs from it nor is there anie power which can resist it nor is there also on the other side anie manner of care and diligence which may suffice to procure it and I haue had good experience of this as I shall find a fitt time to declare But that which I would faine relate now is the manner how our Blessed Lord is pleased to shew himself by these Visions I say not that I will declare in what sort this so strong a light may be able to conuey it self into the inward sense and to imprint so exact and cleare an Image vpon the Vnderstanding as to make it directly seem to be very there for this point belongs to such as are learned and our Lord hath not been pleased to giue me to comprehend the manner of it and in myself I am so very ignorant and of so grosse an Vnderstanding that howsoeuer men haue endeauoured much to declare it to me I haue not yet been able to conceaue the way and manner of it And this is very certaine that howsoeuer it may seem to your Reuerence that my Vnderstanding is liuelie and quick yet there is really no such thing and I haue found what I am about to say to be true by the experience of manie particulars that namely it embraces and comprehends no more then iust that verie thing vpon which they will haue it feed Yea and sometimes he who was my Confessarius would be euen amazed at my ignorances in manie kinds and he neuer made me vnderstand nor did I indeed desire to know how Almightie God did this or how this could be nor did I aske him about it Though yet as I haue sayd I treated manie yeares with men of great learning to know whether this or that were a Sinne or no for in this I was not wanting but as for the rest I then had no need to stand thinking of more then that Almightie God was the Authour of all and I saw that I was now not to wonder at aniething but only to consider how manie reasons I had to praise him Nay the things which carried difficultie with them did breed deuotion in me and the more difficultie the more deuotion But I will therefore now declare that which I am come to vnderstand by experience namely how our Blessed Lord doth
this and your Reuerence will expresse it better and will vnfold all that which you may find obscure and I not know how to deliuer It seemed to me indeed in some respects that it was an Image or distinct representation which I saw but in manie other no but rather that it was Christ our Lord himself considering the excessiue kind of claritie wherewith he vouchsafed to impart himself to me And yet sometimes it was after so vndistinct a manner that me thought it was a Representation or Image but yet still not like those designes and draughts or Pictures of things which are made heer how perfect soeuer they may be for I haue seen both very manie and very good ones of this kind But it is a very great impertinencie to conceiue that anie one of them comes home to the life but how well soeuer they be drawne they will neuer yet ariue to reach the Naturall in all respects for in fine the one is aliue and the other is dead But let vs lay this aside though yet the relation of one to the other hold very well And still I say not that I frame a Comparison between Christ our Lord himself and that which I sayd I saw for Comparisons neuer agree so perfectly and entirely as these two things did But the truth is that there is the same difference in what I saw from anie Image which there is between a thing that liues and a thing which is painted And if you will needs haue this to haue been an Image I am sure it was a liuing Image and not a dead man but Christ aliue and it giues me also to vnderstand that he is both God Man and that not so as he was layd in the Sepulcher but as he was afterwards in the Resurrection And sometimes he comes with such an immense kind of Maiestie that no Creature can be able to doubt but that it is our verie Lord himself and especially after my receauing the Blessed Sacrament for then we know well that he is there since we vnderstand it by Faith and this seemes to be the same Lord with that An he shewes himself then for so true and entire a Lord of that little house that the whole Soule sees her self to be euen dissolued consumed and annihilated in Christ our Lord. Deare IESVS and how should one be able to giue the heigth of that Maiestie to be vnderstood wherewith thou comest to shew thy self in these occasions and how absolutly doth the Soule resolue that thou art the Lord of the whole world and of the Heauens and of a thousand worlds and of innumerable Heauens and worlds which thou caust create considering that high Maiestie with which thou representest thy self to her For then she knowes that all this world is iust nothing in respect of that whereof thou deseruest to haue dominion Heer O my IESVS doth the Soule see very clearly that it is but a beggarlie kind of power which the Diuels haue in comparison of thine and how he who is so happie as to please thee may tread all the power of Hell vnder his feet Heer the Soule findes the reason which the Diuels had to tremble when thou didst descend to Limbus Patrum and how they would haue wished to haue been rather in thousands of other and lower Hells then to haue endured the sight of so high a Maiestie as thine But I perceiue that thou art heer disposed to let our Soules see how potent thou art and how great the power of thy most Sacred Humanitie is when it is accompanied by thy Diuinitie Heer is it well represented what kind of thing the Day of Iudgement will be where we shall see the mightie Maiestie of this King and behold his great rigour towards the wicked Heer is true Humilitie layd vp and left in the Soule by seeing her owne miserie whereof now she can be ignorant no longer Heer that confusion and true repentance for Sinne where euen when she is seeing how greatly our Lord shewes her his loue yet knowes she not where to dispose of her self but is as it were euen annihilated outright I say this kind of Vision is of so excessiue power and strength when our Lord is pleased to shew a Soule so eminent a portion of his Maiestie and greatnes by it that I hold it for an impossible thing vnlesse our Lord should be pleased to assist her by making her remaine in Rapt and Extasis and so to loose the Vision of that Diuine presence by the act of enioying that anie mortall Creature should be able to endure it at the present though yet afterward it is no impossible thing to forget it And yet still this can not be wholy forgotten in regard that that Maiestie and Beautie is so very deeply imprinted there but only when our Lord is pleased that the Soule shall suffer some such great kind of drynes and solitude as I will declare afterward for then it seemes that euen one forgets Almightie God himself But howsoeuer the Soule is growne now to be clearly another kind of thing then what she was before and is alwaies as it were euen steeped and bathed in Almightie God and there seemes in my opinion to be a new and more liuelie kind of Loue communicated to her in a very high degree For though that kind of Vision aforesayd which I declared to represent Almightie God without anie Image be a thing more sublime and high in it self yet for the making it continue long in our memorie and to entertaine and keep our thoughts well employed so great is the weaknes of our condition that it makes very much to our purpose when so Diuine a Presence as that of our Blessed Lord is represented and lodged in the Imaginatiue part of our Minde And therefore these two kinds of Visions are wont to come alwaies togeather And indeed it is thus that they come For the excellencie and beautie and glorie of the most Holie Humanitie of Christ our Lord is beheld with the eyes of the Soule And by that other way which is now declared we grow to be giuen to vnderstand that he is God and powerfull yea and omnipotent and that he commands and gouernes all things and that his loue doth euen replenish them all This kind of Vision is to be valued at a very high rate and it is also in my opinion without danger for in fine it is discerned by the effects that the Diuel hath no power at all heerin And yet it is true that three or foure seuerall times he hath had a minde to represent our Lord himself to me after this manner that is to say by way of such a false kind of representation For he takes the forme of Flesh but it comes not within the compasse of his power to counterfeit it with anie such kind of glorie as when it is indeed of Almightie God The Diuel is wont to make certaine representations for the destroying of some true
should be like it Well may one represent it to his owne Imagination and stand looking vpon it for some time and consider his shape and complexion and so goe perfecting it by little and little and recommending that Image ouer to his Memorie for who can take this power from the minde And thus much am I able to doe by the strength of mine owne Vnderstanding But in that other whereof we were speaking there is no meanes for this for we must behold that iust then when our Lord is pleased to represent it to vs and iust also what he will how he will Nor is there in this case anie meanes either to add or diminish anie thing how much soeuer we may endeauour it either towards the seeing it or forbearing to see it when we will For whēsoeuer we shall dispose our selues to fix our sight fast vpon beholding anie particular thing the sight of Christ our Lord is instantly lost It hapned to me two yeares and a half that very ordinarily Christ our Lord was pleased to vouchsafe me this Fauour and it is now more then three since he hath depriued me of the so continuall vse of this Vision by affording me another of a higher kind as perhaps I shall declare afterward And I finding that he would be speaking to me and I the while beholding that extreame beautie of his and obseruing the suauitie with which he vttered those words by that most Louelie and Diuine mouth and sometimes also with rigour whilst I in the meane time had a kind of extreame desire to see the colour of those eyes and the size and shape which they had to the end that I might be able to relate the same to my Ghostlie Father I could neuer yet obtaine to see them and my diligence would not serue to procure it but the Vision was rather absolutly lost And though it be very true that sometimes I see he lookes vpon me with a kind of sweetnes and compassion yet this spectacle is of so mightie a force that the Soule is not able to endure it but remaines in so high a Rapt that to the end she may the better enioy the whole she wholy looses the sight of this most beautifull obiect So that in fine and in order to this end it serues to little purpose either to will or not to will anie thing heer and it growes to be cleare enough that our Lord lookes for nothing in these cases but for humilitie and confusion of our selues and for a minde to take that which is giuen and to praise him who is pleased to impart it And it holds in all true Visions without exception that a Creature can doe nothing at all either towards the more or the lesse and that all our diligences put togeather are neither able to doe anie thing nor vndoe for our Lord will haue vs see very clearly that this is no worke of ours but only of his Diuine Maiestie and so as that we are little moued to be the prouder by them but they rather make vs more timorous and more humble whilst we find that as our Lord depriues vs of a power to see that which we desire so he can also take these Fauours yea and his grace from vs too in such sort as that we may be vtterly lost We must therefore be alwaies walking on with feare as long as we shall liue heer in this bannishment Our Lord hath almost euer represented himself to me as after his Resurrection He hath also done it sometimes in the Sacred Hoast Sometimes for strengthning me when I chance to be in tribulation he shewes me his Wounds And sometimes also he vouchsafes that I should see him iust so as he was vpon the Crosse and sometimes as in the Garden yea and also some seldome times with his Crowne of Thornes vpon his Head and at other times carrying his Crosse Yet this as I was saying vses to occurr but in the time of some necessitie either of mine owne or of others but yet alwaies as a Glorifyed Bodie And I haue suffered affronts and vexations enow in declaring these things and haue growne subiect thereby to great persecutions and feares They made themselues so very sure that all this was the Diuel that there wanted not certaine persons who wished that I might be Exorcifed for that purpose yet this gaue me very little trouble But the thing which I felt in good earnest was either when my Ghostlie Fathers were afrayd to heare my Confessions or els when I came to know that they were told tales But yet still vpon the whole matter I know not how to make my self sorrie for hauing seen these Celestiall Visions nor would I giue anie one of them all for all the greatnesses and delights of this whole world for I euer held these things to be a very great Fauour of our Lord and I esteem them to be an excessiue kind of treasure yea and our Lord himself hath assured me thereof manie times Withall I found my self grow heerby to loue his Diuine Maiestie very much and so to him would I euer be going to complaine of all the troubles I had and I alwayes came out of Prayer both with comfort and addition of strength As for them I would not presume to contradict them for I saw it made things worse as seeming to them that it was want of humilitie in me but I communicated them still to my Ghostlie Father and whensoeuer he found me afflicted he was carefull that I should receaue much comfort from him As my Visions grew-on to encrease one of them who assisted me before who was a man that vsed to Confesse me sometimes when the Sub-Rectour was not in the way to heare me beganne to tell me how it was most certaine that it was the Diuel and then they grew to command me since there was no other meanes to resist him that I should alwaies be Crossing and blessing my self when I should chance to see anie Vision and that I should vse some exteriour action or signe of scorne that so he might be sure I held him certainly to be the Diuel and that perhaps by this meanes he would come no more but that yet I should be afrayd of nothing because God would keep me still and would also take that temptation from me Now this was painefull enough to me for considering that I could not possibly beleiue but that it was Almightie God this proceeding was very terrible for me to vndergoe Nor was it also possible for me as of my selfe to desire that it might be taken from me but yet in fine I performed all those acts which they commanded and I besought our Blessed Lord with much instance to free me from it and I did it with abundance of teares I begged it also by the prayers of S. Peter and S. Paul in regard that I hauing had the first of all my Visions vpon the Day of their Festiuitie our Lord
of the Minde and not suffer it to passe on and out so farre like some Pott which doth first so boile vp and then so boile-ouer as that the broth or water is quite spent and lost because no discretion was vsed in the quantitie of wood or coales which was put vnder it And thus let them procure to appease and slake the flame which is fed by that vehement fire with sweet and gentle teares but not with such as are forced or painefull as they are wont to be which proceed from such a vehement kind of sense as I haue formerly expressed for such are wont to be of very great inconuenience to the Partie My self vsed to haue such as these in my beginnings and they would euer leaué my head in such disorder and my Spirit in such a wearines and weaknes that I was not able sometimes for a day yea and sometimes for more dayes then one to returne to the exercise of Prayer So that we are to vse great discretion in those beginnings of ours to the end that all may goe on with much sweetnes and that the Spirit may be taught the way of operating and exercising it self inwardly and we must diligently procure that the exteriour may be auoided as much as we can But now these other impetuosities and impulses are of a most different kind and condition for heer it is not we who bring-in the wood but the fire seemes to be made already to our hands and instantly we are readie to cast our selues into it that so we may be wholy consumed The Soule doth not heer procure to make her self feele the wound which growes to be made in her by the absence of our Lord but they driue sometimes a sharp Arrow into the verie liueliest part of the hart in such sort as that the Soule her self is not able to tell distinctly either what she ayles or euen what she desires only she knowes very well that she desires and loues our Lord and that the sayd Arrow seemes to be toucht and rubbed-ouer with some bitter hearbe or other to make her euen hate her self through the loue of this Lord and to wish with all her hart that she might loose her verie life for his sake It is not in our power to expresse and much lesse to relate with aduantage the manner how God approaches and ariues to such a Soule as this or the excessiue paine that he giues which makes her not to know euen what to doe with her self But yet this verie paine is such a sauourie kind of thing withall that there is no delight in this whole world which is able to giue her more gust For the Soule as I was saying would alwaies be very glad if she might be euer dying of this Disease This paine and glorie togeather did carrie my Vnderstanding into such such distraction and disorder that I knew not how they both could possibly consist togeather O what a thing it is to see a Soule so wounded for it is iust in such sort as that one may very well affirme it to be wounded and that for a most excellent cause for now she sees very clearly that she her self did contribute no part of the reason why this Loue should grow but only it seemes that some little Sparke fell downe vpon her from that immense Loue of our Lord which set her so totally on fire O how often doe I remember that Verse of Dauid whensoeuer I find my self in this case Quem admodum desider at ceruus ad fontes aquarum ita desiderat anima mea ad te Deus meus As the Hart desires to plunge himself into the Springs of vvater so doth my Soule desire thee O my God For really me thinkes that this is euen litterally fulfilled then vpon my self Whensoeuer this comes not vpon me with great violence me thinkes I can a little appease my Soule and at least she is prouing to find some remedie For as for the performing of certaine Pennances she findes not almost in that case for what they serue for they all are felt by her no more nor puts it her to anie more paine to shed her bloud then it would if she were directly dead But in that case she is in earnest search after the finding-out some new wayes or meanes how she may be able to suffer much for the loue of our Lord but so great is that other former greif of minde that I know not what Corporall torment can possibly be able to drowne it for the remedie thereof consists not in such things as these since these medecines are of too inferiour a kind for the perfect cure of so deeply-rooted a Disease We receaue indeed some little ease and the affliction passes away to some small proportion by this meanes and by begging also the remedie of her miserie at the hands of our Blessed Lord though yet for her part she knowes not how to find anie at all but only in death for by that meanes she hopes entirely to enioy her Soueraigne Good At other times this paine falls vpon a Soule so feircely that neither this nor anie thing els can be done for it peirces the whole bodie through and through and neither can the hands or feet be stirred nay if we chance to be on foot and may happen sometimes to sit downe we doe it like a kind of transported Creatures Nor can the Soule so much as breath but only vtter certaine profound lamenting sighes which yet are not great in shew because she is not able to expresse them though yet they be very great in themselues It pleased our Blessed Lord that I should haue sometimes this following Vision I saw an Angell very neer me towards my left side and he appeared to me in a Corporeall forme though yet I am not wont to see anie thing of that kind but very rarely For though Angells be represented often to me it is yet without my seeing them but only according to that other kind of Vision whereof I spake before But in this Vision our Lord was pleased that I should see this Angell after this other manner He was not great but rather little yet withall he was of very much beautie His face was so inflamed that he appeared to be of those most Superiour Angells who seem to be all in a fire and he well might be of them whome we call Seraphins but as for me they neuer tell me their names or rankes yet howsoeuer I see thereby that there is so great a difference in Heauen between one Angell and another as I am no way able to expresse I saw that he had a long Dart of gold in his hand and at the end of the iron below me thought there was a little fire and I conceaued that he thrust it some seuerall times through my verie Hart after such a manner as that it passed the verie inwards of my Bowells and when he drew it back me thought it carried
to abuse and cosen so manie good men and I seemed to be so very wicked that me thought all the mischeifs and Heresies which had been raised and brought lately into the world were but the fruits of my Sinnes But this is a false kind of humilitie which the Diuel inuented of purpose for my disquiet to try if he could bring my Soule to despaire And I know so well by experience that this is a trick of the Diuel that now when he findes that I vnderstand him he torments me not so often heerin as he was wont The certaintie of this truth is clearly found by the restlesnes and disquiet wherewith he beginnes and by the bussling which he keepes in the Soule all the while it lasts and by the obscuritie and affliction which he brings to it and by the drynes and indisposition to Prayer which he leaues after it and in fine because it produces no good effect at all for he seemes euen to stifle the Soule and to bind euen the Bodie also vp that so it may be good for nothing whereas by true Humilitie though the Soule know it self to be wicked and is in paine to consider what we are and makes vs hold our Sinnes to be as great and as greatly to be exaggerated as hath been sayd and that they are felt indeed to be such yet comes not this kind of sense with anie tumultuous disorder nor doth it disturbe and vex the Soule nor obscure her nor giue drynes to her but rather it regales her and behaues it self in a very contrarie way with gentlenes with suauitie and with Light She is troubled in some sort on the one side euen for that she is comforted to see how great Fauour our Lord imparts to her in letting her feele that paine and to consider how well employed it is and the sorrowes for whatsoeuer she hath done against Almightie God But yet on the other side she exalts and admires his mercie she hath light wherewith to put her self to confusion and to praise his Diuine Maiestie for vouchsafing to endure her so long But in that other kind of Humilitie which the Diuel brings there is no light for anie thing which is good but it seemes as if God were readie to put all the world to fire and sword The Diuel represents the Diuine Iustice to the Soule and though he permit her to beleiue that God hath mercie for the Diuel hath no such power as to destroy her Faith yet hath she euen that in such sort that it is no comfort to her at all but rather when she beholds God's great mercie he makes it serue her for so much the greater torment because she seems to haue been obliged thereby to haue serued Almightie God so much the more This is an inuention of the Diuel and that of the most painefull and subtile and disguised that I haue euer found and therefore I would wish your Reuerence if perhaps he may procure to tempt you heerafter in this kind to looke vpon it with a Light in your hand and to procure to know him well if he leaue you vnderstanding enough for doing it And beleiue not heer that Knowledge and Learning will serue the turne for though I be in want enough of all that yet now when I am gotten out of his reach I am growne to vnderstand very well that all his discourse is but foolerie And that which I vnderstand also is that sometimes our Blessed Lord is pleased to giue way and permit it and he allowes him leaue to doe this as he did that he might try and tempt Iob though because I am so wicked he permits not that it be done to me with so much rigour It hapned to me once and I remember very well that it was vpon the day before Corpus-Christi Eue a Festiuitie to which I am deuoted though yet not so much as were fitt and at that time it lasted with me but one day but at other times for a weeke and a Forthnight yea and sometimes three weekes and peraduenture more and especially in the Holie Weekes which were wont to be my Regalo in point of Prayer that me thought he catched-vp and euen carried-away my Vnderstanding at an instant for certaine things sometimes so very triuiall and light that at other times I would but haue laughed at him for his paines and then he makes her stoope to whatsoeuer he lists and the Soule remaines as it were nayled to the place without being Mistresse of her self or being able to thinke of anie thing but those impertinent fooleries which the rempration represents and indeed they haue no substance at all nor doe they either bind or loose but serue only to choake the Soule in such sort as not to suffer her to subsist in her self And really it is true that it hath hapned to me sometimes to conceaue that the Diuells goe playing with a Soule as men would doe with a Ball and she the while is without anie meanes at all to deliuer her self out of their power Nor can it be expressed in what a deale of sufferance she is by this meanes She walkes in search of some defence and Almightie God permits that she may find none She only and euer remaines with the Facultie and Power of her Free-Will though yet not faire and cleare but as if a man had eyes which were shut or as if some person who had gone very often by anie way and so though it were night and darke yet by the markes which he had formerly taken knowes where he may be in danger to stumble because formerly he had seen the same pathes by day and so he secures himself from that danger In like manner doth it occurr to the Soule which now seemes but meerly by custome not to offend Almightie God for I speake not heer of that protection which our Lord affords her though yet that be the thing which imports most But in the meane time our Faith is deaded or at least layd asleep as the other vertues also are in such times as those though yet they be not vtterly lost for she well beleiues euen then that Doctrine which the Church teaches and she pronounces it also with her mouth whereas yet on the other side the Diuel doth so presse and dull this Faith that she seemes to haue but such a kind of knowledge of God as men haue a notice of things which are spoken of in their hearing but yet from very farre off Her Loue also is so very Luke-warme that if she chance to heare Almightie God spoken of she harkens in such a kind as to beleiue indeed that he is that which he is because the Church declares it but yet she hath vtterly lost all memorie of whatsoeuer she hath experimented of him in her self For her to goe and pray and remaine in Solitude is but to encrease her affliction for the torment which she feeles in her self and yet without knowing very well why is
in it as I am not well able to expresse for it is an interiour delight which comforts my whole Soule and this is no meer imagination or fancie nor a thing which hath hapned to me only once but very often and when I obserue it with most attention me thinkes it is as if a bodie who were much troubled with heat and thirst should drinke a draught of very cold water which should refresh him euen to his harts desire And heervpon I also consider that all those things which be ordained by the Church are of great importance and moment and it is matter euen of much Regalo to me that those words which the Church vses and sayes should haue the power to make Holie-water become of so very different a condition from such other as is not hallowed by the Church But in the meane time when my torment would not cease I told them so who were present that so they might not laugh at me and calling for Holie-water they brought me some and sprinkled me with it but it did me no good Vpon that I sprinkled some towards the place where the ill Spirit was and then he went instantly away and I grew as instantly well as if they had stroaked my hurt off from me with their hands saue that I found my self as wearie as if I had been cudgelled extreamly But now it did me a very great deale of good to find that when our Lord giues the Diuel leaue he is able to doe such a deale of mischief to a Creature both in Bodie and Soule euen when they are not his or absolutly in his power for then what would he be able to doe when they should be wholy left to his disposing This gaue me also a very great desire to free my self from so ill Companie as that of the Diuel is At another time and that was lately the self-same thing hapned to me though yet it lasted not long but I was then alone and then I also called for Holie-Water and two Religious Woemen who were very well worth the beleiuing and would by no meanes be induced to tell an vntruth came-in thither after the Diuel was departed from thence and declared that they felt a filthie stinke as of brimstone For my part I smelt it not but they say it continued so long that others might also perceiue it Another time I was in the Quire and I came into a very great depth of Recollection and I went away from thence for feare least somewhat might be obserued But the Religious in the Quire who were neer the place where I was heard a noyse of very great blowes which were giuen and for my part I also heard those Spirits talke togeather close to me as if they had been agreeing about some busines of theirs though I knew not what in particular it was for I found my selfe in such depth of Prayer that I vnderstood them not in expresse manner neither yet had I anie feare of them at all But these things did ordinarily not ariue but when some Soule or other did receiue benefit vpon my perswasion and aduise And it is certaine that a thing hapned to me once which I shall now relate and there are manie witnesses of it in particular my Ghostlie Father to whome I Confesse my self now for he saw it in a certaine Letter without my telling him who it was that wrote it though yet he chanced to know it otherwise But the thing was this There came once a certaine person to me who had been in Mortall Sinne about some two yeares and a balf and he had committed one which was of the most abominable that euer I had heard of in my whole life and during all that time he neither Confessed nor reformed himself and yet he sayd Masse all the while And though he then Confessed his other Sinnes yet concerning that one he was wont to aske himself how it could be possible that euer he should Confesse so fowle a thing and yet he had a desire to free himself from it but knew not in fine how to effect it For my part I had great compassion of the man and much greif to see Almightie God so offended and I promised him to beseech our Lord to giue him remedie and that I would also entreat diuerse others who were much more likelie to preuaile then my self to become suiters to his Diuine Maiestie for him and accordingly I wrote to a certaine person about it this man letting me know that he could conuey my letter And it is certaine that heervpon he instantly Confessed his Sinnes and Almightie God was pleased at the instance of those many other holie persons to whome the busines had been recommended to extend his mercie to this Soule and my self also as miserable as I am did not faile to sollicit it the best I could But the man wrote a Letter to me declaring that he was reformed so farre already as that some good time had incurred wherein he had returned no more to that Sinne but yet that the torment was so great by the temptation which sollicited him that way that he accounted himself to be almost as it were in a kind of Hell so extreamly was he put to suffer by it and therefore that I must help him still with Almightie God Vpon this I recommended him againe to my Sisters the Religious of our Monasterie by meanes of whose prayers it seemes our Lord was pleased to doe me this Fauour for they tooke the matter very much to hart This man was a person of whome no one could guesse who it was and I humbly besought the Diuine Maiestie to appease those torments and temptations to which he was subiect and that those Diuels might be suffered to torment me in his place prouided alwayes that I might not offend our Blessed Lord in anie thing by it And it is very certainly true that shortly after this I endured most greiuous torments for the space of a moneth And these two particulars which I haue now related did happen then But our Lord in the meane time was pleased that they should leaue to afflict that person anie more for so men sent me word because I had already signifyed to them what had occurred to me during that moneth And as for him his Soule got strength daily and he grew to be absolutly free nor could he satisfye himself with giuing thankes not only to our Blessed Lord but euen also to me as if I had done somewhat therein But the truth is that the opinion which he had that our Lord did sometimes shew me Fauours was of benefit to him for he sayd that whensoeuer he found himself to be much assaulted and pressed he vsed to read my Letters and that presently therevpon he should find himself ridd of the temptation He grew to be much amazed to vnderstand of what I had suffered and how also himself came to be free yea and euen I came also to wonder at it
vvhich vvas but a kind of shaddovv of such things as are suffered in that place She beginnes also to declare the vvay and manner hovv that Monasterie vvas founded in Auila vnder the name of S. Ioseph AFter a long time when our Blessed Lord had already done me manie of those Fauours which I haue heer related as others also which were very great I found one day whilst I was in Prayer though I could not tell how that I was placed in Hell And I vnderstood that our Lord was pleased that I should see the place which the Diuels had prepared for me and which I had deserued for my Sinnes This lasted but a very little space of time but yet if I should liue manie yeares I hold it for an impossible thing that euer I should be able to forget it The entrie thereof seemed to me to be after the manner of a long and straite Lane or rather as if it had been a low narrow long and darke Ouen The ground seemed to be as if it had been like water all thickned with durt and it was both very filthie and of a most pestilentiall smell and had a multitude of loathsome vermine as flyes and wormes and such other vglie creatures in it At the end of it there was a certaine hollow place as if it had been a kind of a little Presse in a wall into which I saw my self crowded with great constraint Now all that was euen delightfull to the sight in comparison of what I felt there and this which I haue sayd of it already I also find to be very imperfectly described But as for the Feeling part the verie beginning to say what it was is a thing which can neither be well no nor euen almost at all related as it was indeed in regard that I felt a certaine fire in my verie Soule though yet I know not how to declare it as indeed it was For all those almost insupportable torments which I haue felt with all extremi tie in this life and whereof the Physitians are wont to affirme that euen in the Corporeall way they are the greatest which can be suffered in this world as namely that shrinking-vp of all my Sinnewes when I instantly grew lame by it besides manie other torments in seuerall kindes as also that I haue been vexed much by the Diuel are all no more then absolutly iust nothing in comparison of what I felt in that place besides my knowing with all this that no part of it was euer to cease but to continue without euer haueing an end And yet euen all this which I haue sayd is also nothing in comparison of that continuall agonizing of the Soule that pressing that stifling which is so very sensible an affliction togeather with that desperate kind of discontent and disgust and repining which I am no way able to expresse For to say that it is a continuall tearing of the Soule into fitters is to say little since in that case it seemes that it must be some other bodie who teares it but in this the Soule it self is the verie Executioner which euen teares it self There is besides all that another strange Ingredient which is that interiour kind of fire and that vnspeakable despaire vpon those intollerable torments and sorrowes I saw not who it was that inflicted these things but me thought I found my self to be sliced and minced and prest and burnt all at once And I say and say againe that that interiour fire and despaire is the very worst of it all Whilst I was in this most pestilentiall place and that without anie possibilitie of euer so much as once hoping for anie comfort at all there was no such thing to be thought of as sitting or extending my self nor is there anie place voyd to receaue one though yet they had put me into that thing which is like a hole in a wall because euen those verie walls which are also most hideous to the sight doe euen presse their verie selues close towards and vpon one another and euerie thing there helpes to choake There is also no light in that place but all is grosse and euen palpable darknes For my part I vnderstand not how this can be for with hauing no light at all yet all that which may be able to giue anie vexation to the Sight is discerned and seen Our Lord was not pleased at that time that I should see anie more of Hell but afterward I had another Vision of most fearefull things and of the punishment of certaine particular vices And forasmuch as I might be able to discerne and iudge of by the sight these seemed to be euen more hideous then the former but yet in regard that I felt not the paine of it they made me not so much afrayd For in this other present Vision our Lord was pleased that I should really feele those torments and afflictions in Spirit euen as if my verie Bodie had been suffering them there I know not how all this could be but yet I vnderstood well enough that it was a very great Fauour and that our Lord was pleased that I should discerne as euen by the verie sight of mine owne eyes from whence his great mercie had deliuered me For it is nothing to haue heard talke of it nor that at other times I had considered seuerall sorts of torments though yet I did it not often for I liked not that very well in regard of the feare it gaue me nor yet that the Diuels are wont to teare men in peices with hot pincers nor anie other thing whereof I had read for all in fine is nothing if once it be compared to this Since this is wholy another kind of thing and the torments of this world compared with this are no more then a meer Picture in comparison of the Life the verie burning which is felt in this world being but a verie trifle in respect of that other For my part I remained astonished and amazed at it and so I am euen whilst I am writing these things though it hapned to me six yeares agoe And it is a most reall truth that euen now in the verie place where I am but thinking of them the naturall heate of my bodie beginnes to faile me euen for verie feare Not doe I euer remember what passed then but that all my afflictions and troubles and whatsoeuer can be suffered in this life seemed nothing to me and so also me thinkes it seemes that in part we complaine heer without reason And therefore I say againe that this was one of the greatest Fauours that I euer receaued in my whole life at the hands of our Lord. For it hath benefited me very much both towards the making me loose all feare and care concerning the tribulations and contradictions of this life as also to giue me strength towards the enduring them and finally to render thankes to our Blessed Lord for deliuering me as now I
little in the Monasterie The Diuel also would be sure to helpe to be partly a meanes that I might remaine little at home for alwaies by my imparting to some of the Religious there those good things which I had learnt of others with whome I vsed to conuerse they receaued much aduantage and good But yet once being there with a certaine person it hapned that she sayd both to me and others What say you if we should become like those Religious woemen who goe barefoot for perhaps it may be possible in time to make some Monasterie of that kind But now I hauing also these verie same desires beganne to treat the busines with that Widdow my Companion and Friend of whome I spake before who had also the same desire with me Vpon this she beganne to cast how to endue it with Rent but I came quickly to find that there was no great probabilitie of that though the desire which we had thereof made vs yet beleiue that it might perhaps take effect But I on the other side finding great contentment in the House where I was because it was much according to mine owne minde and the Cell wherein I liued was of very great conuentences for me suspended my self from being earnest in the execution of that other designe though yet we did resolue to recommend it in particular manner to Almightie God And one day as soone as I had Communicated his Diuine Maiestie commanded me in earnest manner to endeauour it to the verie vtter most of my power And he was pleased to make me great promises that the Monasterie should not faile to be made and that he would be serued much in it and that it should be called by the name of S. Ioseph and that himself would keepe vs safe at one of the gates and his Mother our B. Ladie at the other and that Christ our Lord would continue with vs and that the place should proue to be euen a Starre which would yeild great brightnes and splendour of it self and that though other Religious Orders were then relaxed men must not thinke that he was but little serued by them and what should become of the world if it were not for Religious persons And that I should tell my Ghostlie Father that he had commanded me all this and that he wished him not to oppose it nor to diuert me from it And this Vision which our Blessed Lord was pleased to giue me was followed by so great effects that the Speech which was vsed therein was such and vttered in such a manner that I could not possibly doubt but that it was he How soeuer I was still in extreame paine because the great disquiets and troubles which I was sure the thing would cost did partly represent themselues to me and considering how extreamly well content I was in that first House and though formerly I had treated of this other busines yet it was not with anie such resolution and certaintie as if it might be sure to take effect Now heer it seemed to me that the reward set it self instantly before me for the doing it but yet when I saw that it was likelie to be a thing of very great disquiet and trouble I was still in a kind of doubt what I would finally doe And yet they were so manie seuerall times that our Lord renewed his Speech to me vpon this subiect representing so manie causes and reasons for it that I saw clearly enough that it was his will So that now I thought no more of anie thing els but only to acquaint my Ghostlie Father with it and so I gaue him all that which had occurred in writing As for him he durst not resolutly will me to giue it ouer but saw that there was little apparance to carrie it through according to the discourse of naturall reason in regard that my Companion and Freind who was the onlie person who was to doe it had very little or no meanes to effect it He wished me to treat of it with the Prelate who was my Superiour and that I should doe therein what he ordained But I spake not of these Visions with that Prelate but that Ladie treated with him and told him that she desired to erect a new Monasterie and the Prouinciall did very gladly giue way for he was a freind of all Religious Obseruance and Pietie and so he afforded all the fauour which was needfull and told her that he would admit and accept the House They spake then of the Reuenue which it was to haue and we neuer inclined to let it consist of more then Thirteen Religious this for manie reasons But before we beganne to treat of the matter thus farre we wrote to the holie man Fray Pedro de Alcantara and acquainted him with all that which passed and he counsailed vs to proceed in this designe and he sent vs his opinion vpon the whole busines But now this purpose of ours was no sooner knowne ouer the Towne then there did instantly grow to be such a persecution against vs as cannot be written in few words The scoffes the icares the laughing the saying that it was a Foolerie and senselesse toy That for my part I was well enough in my Monasterie but for my Companion and freind they cast such a loade of persecution vpon her that they euen ouerlayd her As for me I knew not what to doe for me thought that they had partly some reason But being thus distressed and recommending my self one day to Almightie God his Diuine Maiestie beganne to comfort and encourage me and told me that now I might see through what difficulties those Saints had passed who had founded the Religious Orders of the Church and that we were to passe through manie more persecutions then I could imagine but that yet we should not be troubled at all He told me also some things which I was to deliuer to my Companion and the thing at which I wondred most was that instantly we were comforted in respect of all that which was past and encouraged for all that which was to be future And it is certaine that there was not in all that Towne anie one person of Prayer nay in fine there was scarce anie one at all who did not oppose vs at that time and who thought not this designe to be a most senslesse thing There were so manie ieasts and learings and stirres in our verie Monasterie that now euen the Prouinciall opposed himself stifly against vs and he changed his former opinion and now would no longer admit the House but sayd that the Rent was both little and besides not very secure and that there was very great contradiction He seemed to haue reason in all and in fine he gaue-ouer the busines and would not admit the House Now we who had already receaued the first blowes vpon our owne heads were greatly troubled at it but particularly it struck me much that the Prouinciall was now found to be opposite for
if he had still liked it my self had been excused and discharged with all the world But yet they were not so fauourable to my Companion for her they would not absolue but left her to her self yea and they sayd that she was obliged to take away the scandall She went therefore to a great learned man and a great Seruant of God of S. Dominick's Order to tell him what had passed and indeed to giue him account of the whole busines And this was before the Prouinciall had giuen it ouer for now there was no Creature in the whole Towne who would giue vs anie opinion in the Case and therefore they might well affirme as they did that we proceeded in all this of our owne heads But that Ladie made relation of the whole busines to this holie man and acquainted him with the Rent which she meant to settle vpon it out of her owne Estate with much desire that he would assist vs for he was the greatest learned man in all that Towne at that time and perhaps there were not manie more learned in his whole Order I told him also of all that which we intended to doe and some motiues thereof but I acquainted him not with anie Reuelation of mine but only with those naturall reasons which moued me For I desired not that he should giue vs anie opinion but according to them And he on the other side wished that we would giue him the rearme of eight dayes wherein to answer He asked vs also then whether we were resolued to doe that verie thing which he should direct and I told him we were But though I sayd thus much and me thinkes I would haue done as I sayd yet did I neuer loose assurance that the Monasterie in fine would be made My Companion had yet a stronger Faith for whatsoeuer they might say to her she would neuer giue-ouer to execute the designe But now though I held it impossible but that the worke would be done so assuredly did I beleiue that the Reuelation aforesayd was true prouided alwaies that it were found to containe nothing either against Holie Scripture or the Decrees of the Church which we are bound to beleiue and obserue yet howsoeuer as I said before I conceaued that that Reuelation was really of Almightie God if still that learned man had told me that we could not effect the thing without offending his Diuine Maiestie and that we should haue sinned against good Conscience by procuring it I conceiue that I should instantly haue giuen it ouer and sought-out some other meanes for my releif but for the present our Lord imparted none but this to me But now this Seruant of Almightie God told me that he had taken this busines into his care togeather with a full resolution to employ himself earnestly in procuring that we might giue-ouer our purpose because the clamour of the people against it had already come to his notice and so also had it appeared to euerie Creature to be an impertinencie and besides that a certaine Cauallier of the Towne as soone as he had vnderstood that we intended to speake with the Father sent to him to aduise him to consider well what he did and that by no meanes he should help vs yet that now himself beginning to consider what he was to answer vs and to reflect seriously vpon the busines and vpon the intention which we had and with what good order and Religious manner we proceeded he resolued in fine that it would be a thing resulting much to the Seruice of Almightie God and that we should by no meanes forbeare to put it in execution And in conformitie to this his answer was That we should make what hast we could to conclude it And he also let vs know his opinion of the way and manner which we were best to hold in it and that though the Rent were little yet Almightie God was to be trusted with somewhat And that for his part he desired that whosoeuer should contradict or oppose it might be sent to him for he would know very well what to answer And accordingly he assisted vs euer as I shall declare heerafter With this we went much comforted away as also in that we found how some holie persons of that place who formerly had been opposite to vs grew now to be appeased and some of them did also assist vs and amongst them was that holie Caualier of whome I made mention before Who in regard that our pretence seemed to aspire to great perfection as indeed it doth because it is wholy grounded in Prayer he gaue-vp this opinion and Vote That howsoeuer the meanes whereby things must be effected seemed to carrie much difficultie with them and to be without great apparance of successe yet perhaps that it might fall-out to be of Almightie God Now it may be that our Blessed Lord disposed him to be of this minde and the Doctour also that Preist and Seruant of Almightie God whome I related to haue voted first and who is the verie Mirrour of all that Towne the person whome Almightie God perserues there for the good of manie Soules was now also growne already to assist me in the busines And thus we were come to this condition by the helpe of manie Prayers and now already we had bought the House in a good part of the Towne though but a poore one but I value not that at all for our Lord had told me before that I should enter as well as I could and that afterward I should find what his Diuine Maiestie would doe and that haue I seen well performed And so although I found that we had but little meanes yet I beleiued that our Blessed Lord would take order that we should be fauoured by other wayes THE THREE AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER She proceedes in the same Subiect of the Foundation of the Monasterie of the Glorious S. Ioseph She declares hovv she vvas commanded to attend to that busines and of the time vvhen she forbore to follovv it and of some troubles vvich she had and hovv she vvas comforted in them by our Blessed Lord. THis busines being now in such case and so neer the point of finall dispatch that they were to draw-vp the Writings the verie next day following it fell out to be iust then when our Prouincial grew to change his latter opinion and returne to his former and I beleiue he was moued to it by Diuine ordination as we shall see afterward For our Prayers hauing been so manie as indeed they were it seemes that our Blessed Lord went perfecting the worke and appointing that it should be dispatched though after a different manner from what we conceiued But when once the sayd Prouincial had formerly refused to admit of the House my Ghostlie Father gaue me a commandment that I should now thinke no more of that matter And yet our Lord best knowes what troubles and afflictions it had cost me before I could euer bring it to
that state and condition wherein then it was But now the thing being giuen ouer all that former imputation was confirmed Namely that it was nothing but an impertinencie of woemen and their murmurings came particularly vpon me though till that time the Prouincial had commanded it to be done In the meane while I grew to be very ill beloued in the Monasterie because I went about to make a new one which might be of more strict Inclosure For they sayd That I affronted them by it and That God might be as well serued there and That there were better amongst them then my self and that now they discouered well enough that I carried no true loue to that House That it had been much better done to procure to get Reuenues and Rents for that place then for anie other Yea and now there wanted not some who aduised that I might be carried to Prison and there were but very few who did in anie kind take my part As for me I saw that they had reason in very much of what they sayd and sometimes I would be making my excuses though yet I were not able to tell them the cheif motiue thereof which was that I had been commanded to doe it by our Blessed Lord. I knew not therefore well what to say and so I thought it fitter to hold my peace At other times it pleased our Lord to doe me very great Fauours for this of the Monasterie put me now to no disquiet at all but I gaue it ouer with as much facilitie and gust as if it had neuer cost me anie paines or care Yet this could no Creature beleiue no not euen those persons of Prayer with whome I conuersed but they conceaued that I was full of trouble yea and of shame and euen my Ghostlie Father himselfe did not absolutly beleiue the contrary But as for me when I considered that I had done whatsoeuer I could on my part I thought I was no further obliged to the effecting of what our Lord had commanded me I remained still in the Monasterie and I found my self with much contentment and gust yet euen still I knew not well how to imagine but that the thing would be done sooner or later and of this I had no feare at all though I knew not either how or when but only I beleiued that it would be certainly done That which troubled me extreamly was that once my Ghostlie Father gaue me a great Mortification as if I had done somewhat against his will But it seemes our Lord was pleased that I should be in some affliction euen by occasion of that which was most tender and deare to me For whilst I was in this multitude of persecutions when I expected that some kind of comfort would be coming towards me he wrote me a Letter to this effect That now he hoped I saw by what occurred that all had been nothing but a Dreame That I should doe well to reforme my self heerafter so farre as not to pretend to meddle anie more with any busines nor to be talking any more of this in particular for that I could not but see well enough what a scandall was growne vpon it and other things he also sayd which did all serue for nothing at all but only to put me to paine This I confesse gaue me more trouble then all those other things put togeather as conceauing or at least as doubting whether I might not haue been the occasion of all the ill which had hapned and whether I might not haue committed some such errour as whereby Almightie God might haue been offended nay whether these Visions of mine had not been Illusions and so consequérly whether my whole course of Prayer had not been of the Diuel and whether finally I were not then in a plaine state of errour and perdition This I confesse oppressed me with so great extremitie that I grew to be all in disorder and subiect to extreame affliction But our Lord who was neuer wanting to me in all those troubles of mine which I haue expressed was often pleased to comfort and strengthen me though I need not stand heer to relate it And he told me also then that I should not vex my self That I had greatly serued his Diuine Maiestie in that busines and not offended him at all That for the present I should doe what my Ghostlie Father had commanded me in holding my peace till it should be fitt to renew the busines And in the meane time I remained full of contentment and consolation and I held all that persecution for nothing which had come vpon me till then But now by this meanes I was taught by our Blessed Lord what a very great benefit it is to endure troubles and persecutions for his sake For so much was the loue of Almightie God encreased in my Soule by this meanes as were also manie other vertues that I was amazed at it and this in fine is the reason why I cannot but desire afflictions and troubles But the while those other persons thought that I was extreamly out of countenāce with what had hapned and certainly I should haue been so indeed if our Lord had not been pleased to comfort me so highly with that great Fauour But then did those strong impulses and impetuosities of the Loue of Almightie God whereof I haue formerly spoken beginne to encrease more and more and I also came to haue greater Rapts though yet I acquainted no Creature with the gaine which I had gotten by it In the meane time that holie man the Dominican did neuer giue-ouer to beleiue that the busines would be sure to take effect euen as well as I beleiued it my self But I would take no knowledge of that because I was resolued not to swarue from what I had been commanded by my Ghostlie Father The Dominican negotiated also the Busines together with my Companion and friend and they wrote about it to Rome and made their Propositions there And the while did the Diuel heer by carrying things from one person to another procure to make it knowne that I had had some Reuelation in this busines Vpon this some came to tell me with a great deale of apprehension and feare that I should doe well to looke to my self and that the times were strict and shrewd and that perhaps men might lay some things to my charge and goe on euen to the Inquisitours by way of complaint But this I confesse made me sport and I beganne to laugh at it for it was neuer my case to be affraid of anie such thing as this as knowing very well of my self that in all things which concerned Catholique Faith yea euen to the least Ceremonie of the Church I was totally for it and that also for the least word of Holie Scripture I would expose my self a thousand times to death And therefore I desired them not to trouble themselues concerning me in this point and that my Soule were miserable enough and
too much if anie such thing could be found in it as might put me into anie feare of the Inquisition That if I thought there were anie ground or cause my self would be the first to goe thither and that if it were a slaunder raised vp against me our Lord would deliuer me from it and I should proue the Gainer by that Bargaine Now I treated of this matter with the Dominican Father who as I sayd was so very learned a man that I might well assure my self vpon whatsoeuer he should declare to me heerin And I told him then vpon this occasion with the greatest clearnes that I could possibly vse of all the Visions which I had had and of the manner of Prayer which I had vsed and of the great Fauours which our Blessed Lord had been pleased to doe me and I humbly prayed him to consider all these things very well and to let me vnderstand if there were anie thing at all in anie of them against Holie Scripture and that also he would acquaint me with the iudgement which he made thereof Now all this he did and so setled and secured me very much and I grow to be also of opinion that this accident was of much aduantage euen to him For though he were formerly very good yet he gaue himself much more to Prayer from that time forward and withdrew himself to a certaine retired Monasterie of his owne Order which was a place of great Solitude and silence to the end that so he might exercise himself the better in Prayer He remained there aboue two yeares and then Obedience to his Order tooke him from thence for which he was sorrie enough But they had need of such a man as he was I was no lesse greiued when he went from me through the great want which I was sure I should haue of him though yet I knew withall that he would be a gainer by it And whilst I was in paine about his iourney our Lord bad me be comforted and not troubled for that he went away to good purpose And indeed he came back againe afterward with his Soule so well improued and aduanced in the way of Spirit that himself told me at his returne how he would not for anie thing of this world but that he had gone And I also could say the same for whereas he had formerly giuen me assurances and comforts but only by his Letters he was now growne able to doe it also through the great experience which he was come to haue in Spirit and of Supernaturall things And it also pleased Almightie God to bring him back to vs at such a time as when his Diuine Maiestie saw that there would be need of him for assisting his worke concerning this Monasterie which his will was should goe forward But in the meane time I remained in silence for a matter of some fiue or six moneths not hearing or saying anie thing of this businesse nor did our Blessed Lord command me anie thing about it nor vnderstood I the reason thereof but yet still I could not part with the beleif but that the busines would be done sooner or later But at the end of that time aforesayd the Rectour of the Colledge of the Societie of IESVS who had been there till then being now to remoue from hence his Diuine Maiestie brought another to be in his place who was a very Spirituall person and of great courage and vnderstanding and Learning and he came at a certaine time when I was in very great need of helpe For in regard that he who was my Ghostlie Father had a Superiour ouer himself and by reason that they haue this vertue in perfection not so much as once to stirre but in conformitie to the will of their Superiours and though this Ghostlie Father of mine had a very good vnderstanding of my Spirit and desired that I might profit proceed he yet aduentured not to conclude some things with a firme resolution for diuers reasons which he had for it And on the other side my Spirit did presse already to passe on with certaine impulses and impetuosities which were so great that I found it a very troublesome thing to be tyed short and yet for all this I resolued not to exceed those bounds at all which he had prescribed And being one day in much affliction as conceauing that my Ghostlie Father did not beleiue me it pleased our B. Lord to require me not to trouble my self affirming that that difficultie would be soone at an end For my part I was much ioyed by this as conceauing that I was quickly to dye and I was wont particularly to reioyce when I remembred it But afterward I saw clearly that his Speech concerned the coming of this new Rectour of whome I spake and afterward I neuer had anie occasion to be in paine in regard that this sayd new Rectour contradicted not the Sub-Rectour who was my Confessarius but rather directed him to giue me comfort and scope and that there was no cause of feare and that he should not conduct my Soule by such straight narrow wayes and with such restrictions but should permit the Spirit of our Lord to worke in me For indeed at some times it seemed that by reason of those great impetuosities of Spirit the Soule had scarce roome for so much as to breath I went then to visit this Rectour and my Ghostlie Father required me to treat with him with all libertie and clearnes As for me I was wont to find very great difficultie to declare my self in that kind but yet really it is very true that euen at my verie first entrance into the Confessionarie I felt a kind of I cannot tell what to call it in my Spirit which I remember not my self to haue euer found by occasion of anie Creature either before or after nor can I distinctly tell how it was nor yet am I able to expresse it fully by anie way of Comparison But it was a certaine Spirituall ioy and a kind of vnderstanding which my Soule had that the Soule of that man would be able to vnderstand me and that there would be a kind of conformitie in iudgement between vs two although as I was saying I vnderstood not how If indeed I had euer spoken with him before or if others had peraduenture giuen me anie great newes of the man it had not been very strange that it should ioy me when I came to vnderstand that he was to heare me But neither he nor I had euer spoken word to one another nor was there anie one by whose meanes I had euer had anie notice at all of him and yet since that time I haue seen very well that my Spirit deceaued me not because it hath been of great aduantage in all kinds both to my Soule and me to treat with him For his kind of conuersation and way of conference and communication is a thing of great importance for such persons as
our Lord seemes to haue forwarded much in the way of Spirit for he makes them runne-on apace and not goe foot by foot And his manner is to vntye them soundly and totally from all Creatures and to put them to the exercise and practise of Mortification for in this our Blessed Lord hath imparted a most particular talent to him as he hath also done in manie other things Now as soone as I beganne to communicate my affaires with him I instantly vnderstood his stile and way of proceeding and I found that he had a holie and pure Soule and that our Lord had giuen him a particular tallent in the trying and knowing of Spirits So that I was comforted both much and very soone after I had once communicated with him and our Blessed Lord beganne againe to presse me towards a treating of the Busines of the Monasterie and that I should declare both to my Ghostlie Father and to this Rectour the manie grounds and reasons why they were not to disswade and diuert me from it and some of them made them hartily afrayd to doe it For this Father Rectour neuer did so much as doubt but that it was the Spirit of Almightie God because he had beheld and considered the effects with very great studie and care In fine after the consideration of manie things they durst not presume to diuert me and my Ghostlie Father did againe giue me leaue to vse all the endeauour I could and yet I was able to see very well what a great deale of trouble it would giue me in regard I was so vtterly alone and had very little power to effect anie thing But we agreed that it should be carried with great priuacy and therefore I procured that a certaine Sister of mine who liued els-where should buy and build the House as if it were for her self and that it should be done with monie which our Lord found meanes by certaine wayes wherewith to pay for it But it would be a long busines to tell you how his Diuine Maiestie went prouiding it for as for me I desired to be very sure to doe nothing which might be against Obedience But I was not then to learne that if I told anie thing to the Superiours of my Order the whole Busines would be lost as it was before yea and that if I did so now it would fall-out to be worse In the point of getting monie for making the bargaine for a Seate and for building also the House I endured manie troubles and some of them all alone though yet my Companion and freind did also the best she could But in fine she could doe little and indeed so very little that vpon the matter it was a kind of nothing but only to take vpon her the name and to lend it her countenance for all the rest of the trouble I was mine and it came vpon me so very manie wayes that I doe euen wonder now how I was able to endure it then Sometimes when I was full of affliction I would be vttering my self to Almightie God after this manner O my deare Lord how comest thou to command me things which seem impossible For though I be a woeman yet if I had libertie perhaps something might be done but being tyed vp in all respects without monie and without knowing where to get anie whereby either the Breue or anie thing els may be had what can I doe O Lord But being once in a certaine necessitie and not knowing which way to turne my self and not being able to pay the workmen S. Ioseph my true Father and Patron appeared to me and told me that monie would not be wanting to me and therefore that I should make the agreement and so I did euen when I had no monie at all and afterward our Blessed Lord prouided it by so strange wayes that they who heard of it were amazed But now me thought the House shewed to be very little and indeed it was so and in that extremitie that it seemed not capable of being euer able to be a Monasterie and I had a good minde to buy another House but neither had I wherewithall to doe it nor otherwise anie meanes to procure it though there were yet a very little one ioyning to it whereof a Church might be made But after I had Communicated one day our Lord sayd thus to me I haue already vvilled thee to beginne as thou mayest And then after the manner of exclamation he sayd thus also to me O the touetousues of the race of mankinde vvhich thinkes that it shall vvant euen earth vpon vvhich to tread Hovv often haue I slept in the open ayre as not knovving vvhere to lay my head Vpon this I was amazed and found that he had reason and so I went to that little House and ordered it And though it were very little yet it was iust fitt to make such a kind of Monasterie and I made it no more my busines to compasse a larger Seate but procured to build vpon that in such sort as it might be fitt to be inhabited all course and rude and without anie other misterye but only that it might not be hurtfull in point of health and so it shall euer remaine Vpon the day of S. Clare I going to receaue the B. Sacrament she appeared to me in very great beautie and bad me be of a good courage and goe on in the worke which I had begunne and that she would assist me And this hath proued so true that a Monasterie of Religious woemen of her Order which is neer this doth help to sustaine and feed vs and which yet is more she hath by little and little brought this desire of mine to such perfection that the self-same pouertie which that Blessed Saint established in her House is exercised also in this and we liue of Almes which point hath cost me no small trouble in getting it confirmed by His Holines and to be further also established in such sort as that no innouation may be made not the House be euer capable of Rent And now doth our Blessed Lord euen more then this and perhaps the same may grow by the intercession of this Blessed Saint for his Diuine Maiestie prouides vs with all things necessarie in most compleat manner without our euer asking anie thing of anie Creature Let him be Blessed for all things Amen But I being about that time vpon the Day of the Assumption of our B. Ladie in a certaine Monasterie of the Glorious S. Dominick's Order I was considering the manie Sinnes of my former time which I had Confessed in that House and the accidents of my wicked life and suddainly there came so great a Rapt vpon me that it tooke me in effect wholy out of my self I then sat downe and yet it seemed to me that I was not able either to heare Masse or so much as to see the Eleuation for which I remained afterward with some scruple Now it seemed to me that
absorpt by it For I went considering the greatnesses of Almightie God and in how short a time he had sublimed a Soule to so admirable a State He put me to much confusion when I heard him giue eare with so great humilitie to those things which I would sometimes be saying to him concerning Prayer I who had so little to say thereof to such a person as he was But our Lord was content to endure it through the earnest desire I had to see him a great Proficient in that kind And it did me so much good to be with him that still he seemed to inflame my Soule with new fire and with new desires to serue our Lord euen as if I had been but then to beginne O my deare IESVS what things are they which a Soule can doe when it is all inflamed with thy loue and we ought to esteem such an one very much and humbly beseech our Lord to let it continue long in this world For whosoeuer ownes the same kind of loue should follow such a kind of Soule as fast as he can It is matter of much comfort to a sick man to find another who is toucht and tainted by the same disease for it serues him in the way of some consolation to see at least that he is not alone They helpe one another excellently well both to suffer and to merit They ioyne back to back and so support and succour one another like valiant and resolued persons to venture a thousand liues for the loue of Almightie God and They aspire to no other happines then to meet with some such occasion as wherein they may offer themselues in Sacrifice for his Seruice They are like gallant Souldiers who to the end that they may gaine the Spoile of their Enemies and so grow rich by that meanes desire that there may still be Warres as vnderstanding that there is no way for them to thriue but by that meanes for it is no lesse then their very occupation to labour and to suffer O what a great thing it is when out Lord giues light to know how much is gained by suffering for him This point is not vnderstood well and home till all be giuen ouer and left For whosoeuer keepes anie thing to himself giues a signe that he esteemes it to be worth somewhat And if he esteem it worth somewhat it will be necessarie for him to be sorrie to leaue it But now heer all is imperfect yea and euen lost and heer comes the Prouerbe well in that He is a kind of lost man who lookes after that which is lost And what greater losse and perdition what greater blindnes what greater miserie and misfortune can there be then to put a great value vpon that which is absolutly worth nothing at all But to returne to what I was saying when I was extreamly ioyed by considering the Soule of that man wherein it seemes that our Blessed Lord was disposed that I should clearly see those treasures which he had depositated therein and discerning also the high fauour which he vouchsafed to doe me in regard that it had hapned by my meanes I found my self very vnworthie of it but withall I held those Fauours which our Lord had been pleased to doe him in a much higher kind of account then if he had vouchsafed them to my self And I payd our Lord an abundance of praise to see that his Diuine Maiestie went so fulfilling my desires and vouchsafed to heare my prayer which was that he would vouchsafe to stirre-vp such kindes of persons to his faithfull Seruice And my Soule being then in such condition as that it could no longer beare so greatioy she went directly out of her self and lost her verie self to be the greater gainer by it She lost I say those cogitations and considerations and the hearing of that Diuine toung in which the Holie-Ghost seemed to speake and then I fell into a great Rapt which made me at it were forgoe the vse of my Sences though it lasted but a very little while I saw Christ our Lord with an excessiue kind of Maiestie and Glorie expressing much contentment in that which passed there And so himself was pleased to tell me as also that I might see very clearly that he loued to be euer present at such discourses and how much he esteemes himself to be serued in that men take such delight to speake of him Another time when I was farre off from hence I saw him lifted-vp by Angells with much glorie and I vnderstood by this Vision that his Soule was aduancing apace But so it was that a certaine person in the world to whome he had done much good and repaired some breaches in his reputation and giuen also comfort to his Soule did yet raise a great false testimonie against the honour of this holie man and he endured it with much contentment as he also did other persecutions and performed manie actions which were greatly for the Seruice of Almightie God Me thinkes it is not fitt to declare more of these things at this present If afterward your Reuerence shall thinke otherwise because your self knowes what they are already they may also be set downe heer for the glorie of Almightie God But now of all these things which I haue deliuered about the Prophecies concerning this House and of others which I shall also relate as also of seuerall instances in different kindes they were all accomplished and fulfilled about a matter of some three yeares before they were knowne some more and some lesse as our Lord had declared them to me And I euer told them ouer to my Ghostlie Father and to this Widdow my freind to whome I had leaue to impart them as I haue sayd and I vnderstand that she told them yet to others and they all know well that I lye not Nor will Almightie God I hope permit me to be euer so miserable as in anie thing to speake other then truth and much lesse when it concernes things of such importance But a Brother-in-Law of mine dying suddainly and I being much troubled at it because he had not had time to Confesse before it was told me in my Prayer that my Sister would also dye after that manner and therefore that I should goe thither and procure to dispose her to dye well I told this to my Ghostlie Father and he not permitting me to goe I heard the self-same thing againe and againe But when now I told him thus much he willed me to goe and sayd that nothing would be lost by the bargaine This Sister of mine was at a house of hers in the Countrie I going thither to visit her without telling her of the particular cause I gaue her the best light I could concerning all things and I perswaded her to goe often to Confession and in all things to keep the accounts of her Conscience very right streight As for her she was a very vertuous woeman and did as she was
desired for foure or fiue yeares togeather before her end and then she dyed vpon a suddaine without being so much as visited and much lesse Confessed But the happines was that according to the custome which she had held there was little more then eight dayes expired after her last Confession This made me a very glad woeman when I knew of her death and she stayed a very short time in Purgatorie Nor is it yet aboue eight dayes since our Lord appeared to me after I had receaued the Blessed Sacrament and was pleased to let me see how he carried my Sisters soule into glorie In all these yeares from the time when the particular concerning her was told me till her very death I forgot not that which had been giuen me to be vnderstood concerning her as neither also did my Companion For as soone as she had heard of my Sisters death she came towards me with much admiration to see how all had been fulfilled Let our Lord be praised for euer who vouchsafes to take such care of Soules to the end that they may not perish Amen THE FIVE AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes the same Discourse about the Foundation of this House of our Glorious Father S. Ioseph She speakes of the degrees by vvhich our Lord came to appoint that holie Pouertie should be ordained there and of the cause vvhy she came from that Ladie vvith vvhome she vvas and of other things also vvhich succeeded BVt now whilst I was with that Ladie of whome I haue spoken and with whome I had remained more then half a yeare our Lord did so ordaine that a certaine holie woeman of our Order fell out to come from a place which was no lesse then three-score and then leagues off from this and to ariue heer and to lengthen her way by some leagues on purpose to speake with me Our Lord had moued her to this in the self-same yeare when he moued me to make another Monasterie of this Order And as soone as she had entertained this desire she sold whatsoeuer she possessed and went her self bare-foot to Rome to get and bring-away the Dispatch of this Busines This woeman is a person of much Pennance and Prayer and our Lord did her manie Fauours and our B. Ladie appeared to her and required her still to doe what she was doing and she serued our Blessed Lord so incomparably beyond anie thing that I could doe that I was in confusion euen to appeare in her presence She shewed me the Dispatches which she brought from Rome and in those fifteen dayes which she stayd with me we tooke order how we would make these Monasteries and till I had spoken with her it neuer had come to my knowledge that our Rule till it was relaxed did euer command that none of the Religious Houses of our Order should haue anie proprietie in anie goods Nor had my self had anie purpose to found anie Monasterie at all without Reuenue for my intention was that we should be free from the care of procuring anie such thing as we might be in necessitie to vse But this Blessed Woeman hauing been instructed by our Lord was growne to vnderstand that truth very well without being able so much as to read of which truth I was ignorant euen after haueing taken so much paines to read ouer the Constitutions of our Order And as soone as she acquainted me with her purpose I liked it well though yet I was afrayd that it would not be yeilded to but that they would say perhaps that these were but impertinencies and wish that I would not doe anie thing whereby others might be put to suffer through my fault Though yet in very deed if I had been alone I would not haue been detained one minute from doeing it since it would be a Regalo to my Soule to obserue follow the Counsailes of Iesus-Christ our Lord for really his Diuine Maiestie had already giuen me great desires to obserue Pouertie So that for my part I made no doubt but that this was best yea and I had long desired that it might be possible and compatible with my state that I might goe begging my bread for the loue of God without hauing so much as a house or anie thing els But only I was in feare that if our Blessed Lord should not giue the self-same desires to others which he gaue to me they would liue perhaps with disgust and consequently that it might proue a cause of some distraction or diuision For I saw that there were some poore Monasteries which liued not with much recollection and I considered not that their not being recollected was the cause of their being so poore and not their Pouertie the cause of their want of Recollection For distraction makes them not more rich nor is euer Almightie God wanting to such as serue him In fine my Faith was weake which that of this Seruant of God was not But now I who would be taking the opinion of so manie persons for euerie thing which I was to doe could find no bodie of this minde no nor euen my Ghostlie Father himself nor yet those other learned men whome I consulted in the case but they brought me so manie reasons against it that I knew not which way to turne my self For I for my part who knew already that it was the Rule of the order and knew also that it was a point of more perfection could not perswade my self to haue Reuenue And though sometimes they conuinced me towards their opinion yet still when I returned to Prayer and considered Christ our Lord so very poore and naked vpon the Crosse I was not able so much as to find patience for being rich But I humbly besought him with teares to ordaine things in such sort that I might be poore like him And I found so manie inconueniences euen in hauing Reuenue and found it to be so great a cause of disquiet yea and euen of distraction also that I did nothing but dispute the busines with those learned men I wrote also about it to that Religious man of S. Dominick's Order who assisted vs and he sent me two sheets of Paper which he had written by way of contradiction to me and he grounded himself in Theologie for the perswading me not to doe it yea and he told me that he had studied the point very well To which I answered him that for not following my Vocation and for not performing the Vow which I had made of Pouertie and embracing the Counsailes of Christ our Lord in all perfection I meant not to make vse of his Theologie nor of his Learning and therefore that in this case he might be pleased to excuse me For my part I was very glad when I found anie Creature who woud helpe me and the Ladie with whome I was assisted me particularly heerin There were others also who told me instantly at the first that they liked it well but afterward when they considered it better they
ruine if he loue thee and not the things of this world Such an one walkes by the Valley of Humilitie nor am I able to vnderstand why anie Creature should be afrayd to put himself into this way of Perfection And I beseech our Blessed Lord euen by what he is that he will giue vs rightly to vnderstand how ill that securitie is which we looke for in the midst of such manifest dangers as where one is to be still trudging on in the ranke and row of the world and that we may beleiue our true securitie and safetie to consist in our procuring to be still going on in the way of doing Seruice to Almightie God Away away let vs all fix our eyes vpon him and let vs not haue anie feare that this Sunne of Iustice will set or euer permit vs to walke in such sort by night as that we may grow to be lost vnlesse we first resolue to leaue him Nor let vs feare to walke euen in the midst of Lyons of whome euerie one seemes greedie to be carryingaway his seuerall peice and these are certaine things which the world is wont to call by the name of Honours and great Estates and Delights And the Diuel on the other side seemes also willing heer to fright vs with certaine friuolous toyes A thousand times ouer I am amazed and ten thousand times would I desire euen to dissolue my self with powring forth my teares to cry-out to the whole world all at once to proclaime mine owne great wickednes and blindnes so to try if that might doe anie good towards the making men at last open their eyes Let him open them through his owne infinit goodnes who knowes how to doe it and not permit that euer mine may turne blind againe Amen THE SIX AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes the Subiect vvhich she had begunne and declares the finall conclusion of the Foundation of this Monasterie of the Glorious S. Ioseph of Auila and of the great contradictions and persecutions vvhich the Religious vvoemen vvere put to suffer euen after they had taken the Habit and of the manie troubles and temptations vvhich she vvas faine to vndergoe and hovv his Diuine Maiestie drevv her out of all vvith victorie to his ovvne praise and glorie BEing parted from that Cittie where I was I passed with much contentment by the way resoluing to vndertake and goe through with all things which our Lord should be pleased to lay vpon me and that with a most franke and entire submission of my whole hart Now the selfe-same night when I ariued at Auila our Dispatch with the Breue from Rome ariued also there So that I was amazed at it and so also were all they who knew of the hast wherewith our Lord had sollicited me to come away when they also knew withall the great necessitie which there was thereof and the coniuncture also otherwise which appeared then For I found the Bishop there and that holie man Fray Pedro de Alcantara and a certaine Caualier also a very great Seruant of our Lord in whose house that holie man Fray Pedro was lodged For that Caualier was a person with whome generally the Seruants of Almightie God were euer wont to find a safe retreat Now both those persons ioyning togeather obtained so much at the Bishop's hands as that he was content to admit of the Monasterie which was not a thing of small importance considering that it must liue vpon Almes But the Bishop was really a friend to such as were indeed resolued to serue our Lord for instantly he would apply himself to doe them fauour But the approbation of that holie old man and his dealing earnestly with seuerall persons to assist vs was the thing which made an end of the worke If I had not chanced to ariue in this verie coniuncture as I haue sayd I know not how the besines could possibly haue been dispatched for this holie man stayd a very little while heer and I thinke not aboue eight dayes and euen then he was very ill at ease and shortly after that time our Lord tooke him out of the world to himself And it seemed indeed that his Diuine Maiestie had preserued him in this world till iust this busines might be dispatched for it had been long that is I thinke a matter of two yeares since he had been very ill in point of health But all that which they resolued now was to be gouerned with a great deale of secrecie for els nothing would haue taken effect so ill was the people conceited of it as appeared afterward Now our Lord disposed things so that a Brother-in-Law of mine should be sick at that verie time and that his wife should not be heer but that he must be in so very great need of helpe that they gaue me leaue to goe and be with him and so by occasion of that there was nothing knowne howsoeuer somewhat grew to be suspected concerning some persons though yet it were not fully beleiued And it is a thing to make men wonder how my Brother-in-Law continued no longer sick then seemed to be iust necessarie for our busines and should recouer his health iust as soone as it was fitt to the end that so both I might be disengaged and he might leaue his house free But our Lord as I was saying did instantly restore his health at which the Patient was in wonder Yet euen then had I difficultie enough to procure by meanes of manie different persons to make them giue way that the busines might goe forward and both with the sick man and with the workmen that the House might be finished out of hand and be put into the Forme of a Monasterie For there was very much of it vnfinished at that time and my Companion was then not heer for we held it indeed more conuenient that she should be absent for the better hiding of the busines and I saw that it was of extreame importance that all should be dispatched with diligence for manie reasons and for this amongst the rest because it was feared euerie hower that they would send me away In the meane time I had so manie occasions of vexation and trouble that I might haue cause to doubt whether this were not that Crosse whereof I was warned though on the other side it seemed that this was but a little one in comparison of that other great Crosse which our Lord had formerly sayd that I was to beare But yet all being now concluded our Lord was pleased that some should take the Habit vpon S. Bartholomews day at which time the B. Sacrament was exposed with all the Solemnity and deuotion which we could possibly vse And so the Monasterie of our most Glorious Father S. Ioseph fell out to be erected and made in the Yeare of our Lord God One thousand fiue hundred seauentie two And it came then to my turne togeather with two others of our former Monasterie who by accident were abroad at
that time to giue them the Habit. But now since the House where the Monastery fell out to be made was that wherein my Brother-in-Law had dwelt before for he as I sayd had bought it the better to disguise this busines I had leaue to stay there And I did nothing at all but by the opinion of learned men that so I might be sure not to depart one haires breadth from my Obedience And when they saw that the thing was to be so aduantagious to the whole Order in manie respects they told me I might doe as I did though yet it were fitt to proceed with great reseruation and secrecie and to take care that my Superiours might not know what I was doing For how little soeuer the imperfection had been which I must haue committed therein I conceaue that I would haue giuen-ouer the erecting I say not of one Monasterie but of a thousand rather then haue falne into it and this is certaine And though I desired to seuer my self wholy from the world that so I might follow my Profession and Calling with more perfection and Clausure I desired it yet in such sort as that whensoeuer I should come to vnderstand that it was to be for the greater Seruice of Almightie God to giue it ouer I would instantly haue been sure to doe it with entire peace and repose But the while it was a kind of being euen in glorie for me to see the B. Sacrament exposed and that foure poore Orphans were prouided for since they were taken without Dowrie and they were very great Seruants of Almightie God For this was much endeauoured at the begining that such persons should enter and be receaued as might lay a good foundation by their example for the better effecting the intention and designe which we had to carrie all things on with much perfection and Prayer and that such a worke in fine might be finished as were to proue for the Seruice of our Blessed Lord and in honour of the Habit of his Glorious Mother for vpon this did all the anxieties of my care worke and beate And it gaue me also great comfort to haue done expresly that which our Blessed Lord had been pleased to command me and that there might be one Church more and the same be dedicated vnder the name of my Glorious Father S. Ioseph then there was before Not yet that I conceaued my self to haue done anie thing in it at all for I neuer had anie such conceipt neither haue I yet but I euer vnderstand that it is our Blessed Lord who did it and that as much as concerned my part was accompanied with so great imperfections that I rather plainly see that there is much more for which to blame me then to thanke me But yet I must confesse that it goes with me for a great Regalo to see that his Diuine Maiestie was pleased to vse me as an instrument I being so very wicked as I am for so great a worke as this So that in fine I remained with much satisfaction and gust in this behalfe and as it were euen out of my self in great depth of Prayer But now vpon the end of all this which might last about some three or foure howers the Diuel procured to giue me such a kind of Spirituall battaile as I will now declare He represented to me a doubt whether that which I had done had been well done whether I had not gone against my obligation of Obedience by procuring to effect certaine things without hauing been directed therein by my Prouinciall That I might very well imagine that my carriage had been of disgust to him in regard that I had submitted the busines to the Ordinarie and that without hauing acquainted him with it before though yet on the other side it be true that when he would not admit of the Foundation and saw that I did not alter my course I might probably enough imagine that he would not care much though it went on and Whether these new Religious would be content to liue in so great restraint Whether they were not to want bread to eate Whether the whole busines were not an absurd and foolish thing and Who in fine must put me vpon it since already I had a Monasterie of mine owne But now all that which our Blessed Lord had commanded me and all those opinions of the learned men whome I had consulted and all the Prayer which I had caused to be made and that in effect without ceasing yea and also for the space of more then two whole yeares all this I say was as absolutly slipped out of my memorie as if it had neuer been there and I only remembred now that I did it according to mine owne opinion But all the vertues and Faith which I had before were suspended in me then without my hauing strength either to act anie thing or euen so much as to defend my self against so manie assaults The Diuel was also tampering with me and examined me how it came to passe that I would needs goe shut my self vp in so straight a House and that with so manie infirmities vpon my back and how I would be able to vndergoe so great Pennance and giue ouer to liue in so goodlie and delightfull a place as the other was where I had alwaies had so much gust and so manie freinds and perhaps these others would not proue so That I had taken very much vpon me That perhaps it would cost me despaire at the last That the Diuel had pretended but to depriue me of repose and peace that so I might not be able to frequent Prayer and to make me grow disordered and disturbed and so by those degrees to loose my Soule Such things as these assembled in such sort as I haue related did the Diuel take care to set before me and so as that it was not almost in my power so much as once to thinke of anie thing els and by this meanes did he bring such an affliction and obscuritie or rather downe-right darknes vpon my hart as I am not able to expresse But now when I found my self to be in this case I went to visit the Blessed Sacrament though yet I was not able to recommend my Soule to it as finding my self in my opinion with a certaine kind of profound affliction as if then I had been in no lesse then the verie agonie of death To treat with anie bodie about it I was not yet to presume for there was not yet so much as a Ghostlie Father appointed for me O my deare Lord what a miserable kind of life is this which we lead where there is no secure contentment nor anie thing which is not subiect to change It was so very very lately that me thought I would not haue exchanged my condition in the way of being content with anie Creature of the whole world and now the self-same cause euen of the self-same contentment did so torment me
Almightie God who had assisted me alwaies and was a great freind and fauourer of all Perfection went to the Court to follow the busines and laboured in it very much and so also that holie Caualier of whome I made mention before did very much therein and shewed it fauour in all kinds He endured also great troubles and persecutions for it otherwise and I found him euer like a Father to it and so I doe also to this day And our Lord did still inspire them who were our freinds with such a deale of feruour that euerie one of them tooke our busines to hart as much as if it had been properly his owne and as if his whole honour and life had been concerned in it though yet they had indeed no other interest then only in regard that they thought it did import the Seruice of Almightie God But now it seemes clearly that his Diuine Maiestie assisted the good and vertuous Priest who was also a Doctour and he indeed was one of them who helped vs most for the Bishop employed him about it in his name in a certaine great Giunta or publique Meeting which was framed about it and therein he stood alone for vs against them all and in fine he found meanes to appease them For he made a kind of ouerture by a certaine way which was sufficient to entertaine and suspend their proceeding indeed there was not anie one who could otherwise haue sufficed to keepe them from resoluing instantly to employ euen their verie liues for the ouerthrowing of the Busines This Seruant of God of whome I speake was also the man who gaue the Habit to the Religious and set-vp the B. Sacrament there and he was subiect to persecution enough for his labour This batterie continued about half a yeare and to relate in particular manner the great troubles which passed in all that time would be along busines For my part I wondred extreamly at what a coyle the Diuel kept against a few poore Woemen and how euerie bodie could vnderstand that forsooth twelue Religious and a Prioresse for they were no more could be thought to be of such mischeif to a whole Cittie I meane such mischeif to them who opposed it but as for the Religious they were indeed of so austere life that if anie hurt or errour were to grow by that designe it must be only to them And as for being of preiudice to the place it carried not so much as anie apparance and yet they could meet with enow who would find meanes and that forsooth with good conscience to crosse it But yet now at length they came so farre as to affirme that prouided alwaies that they would get Reuenue and liue vpon it they were content to giue way and that the Busines might goe on For my part I was then so wearie to see all them who assisted vs in so great trouble which I regarded much more then mine owne that I grew to be of opinion that it would not be very ill done to accept their Licence vnder the condition of hauing Reuenue till the times might grow quieter by degrees and that so we might get to be without it afterward At other times I being very imperfect and wicked beganne to thinke that perhaps our Lord would not mislike that it should be so since we could not obtaine our end otherwise and therefore I was already growne to consent to this Accord But being in Prayer the night before the finall conclusion thereof when the Accord was euen already begunne our Lord commanded me that I should consent to no such thing as they intended and that if we beganne to take Reuenue they would neuer giue vs leaue to forgoe it and diuerse other things he also told me The self same night that holie Creature Fray Pedro de Alcantara appeared to me for then he was dead And before also he dyed he wrote to me and taking notice of the great opposition persecution which was raised against vs he sayd he was hartily glad that this Foundation was made with so great contradiction and how that serued him for a signe that our Lord would grow to be greatly serued in this Monasterie since the Diuel tooke such paines to hinder it But yet he perswaded vs still that we should by no meanes accept of liuing vpon Reuenue yea and he pressed this point in two or three seuerall parts of the same Letter and told me that if we persisted therein we should grow to effect the Busines according to our owne desire I had already seen him at two other seuerall times after his death and I beheld the much glorie wherein he was and he gaue me no apprehension of feare at all but rather ioyed me much for he neuer appeared to me but in the qualitie of a Glorifyed Bodie yea and full of excessiue glorie and so accordingly he gaue me great ioy to see him saue that he partly shewed himself with a kind of seueritie or rigour when he told me that in no case I should accept of Reuenue and why would I not follow his counsaile And so he instantly vanished and I remained amazed I went therefore the next day to that Caualier he being the person to whome we still carried all the busines as to one who assisted vs most therein and I told him what had passed and that he should by no meanes agree to take anie Reuenue but rather to let the Suite goe on Now he was euen much more earnestly of the same mind then I was my self and was very glad to find me of his and afterward told me also how vnwillingly he euer spoke about making anie agreement or composition But a certaine other person beganne againe ere long to declare himself against vs and truly she was a good Seruant of Almighty God but yet she wished though she might haue good intentions therein that since the busines was in so good state they might doe well to put it into the hands of Lawyers Vpon this I had a great deale of disquiet for some of them who assisted megrew also to be of that opinion though yet indeed it were a verie trick of the Diuel and perhaps it was a morsell of the hardest desgestion of all the rest But our Lord assisted me in all for that is the summe of the busines and it is no easie thing to giue all that to be well vnderstood which passed between the beginning and finishing of this Monasterie although this last half yeare and the other which was the first were the most troublesome parts of the whole time Yet now the Cittie being growne in some sort to be appeased that Father of S. Dominick's Order who was a Graduate in Theologie layd so handsomly about him though he were not present then that he assisted vs much Our Lord brought him also afterward in a certaine coniuncture of time when he did vs a great deale of good and it seemed that his Diuine Maiestie had induced him
great preparation is also vsed and prouision made for euerie one of them who shall desire to enioy their Spouse Iesus-Christ our Lord hand to hand by liuing chearfully and euerlastingly in the sayd Rule For this is that verie thing which they are alwaies to resolue They alone with him alone and they are to be no more then thirteen for I see by the opinion of manie that this is fitt and I haue found it also to be true by experience That to preserue that Spirit which they haue and to liue of Almes without asking anie thing of anie Creature there will not be meanes for more And euer let them be beleiued best who with manie troubles of their owne and by meanes of the manie prayers of others procured that that might be done which was best And so also by the consideration of the great contentment and ioy and the very little care and trouble which we see euerie bodie to haue in this House as also by the much better health which now they haue then formerly they were wont to enioy it may be held and hoped that this course will fall-out to be most conueniēr And whosoeuer shall still conceaue that the way of life heer is too seuere and sharpe let him rather apply the fault to his owne want of Spirit then cast it vpon that Discipline which is obserued heer since persons who are of delicate constitution and haue no health of which to brag doe yet so easily obserue this Rule because they haue Spirit And let those others goe in God's name to some other Monasterie where they also may be saued according to the Spirit which they shall haue THE SEAVEN AND THIR TIETH CHAPTER She treates of the Effects vvhich vsed to remaine in her Soule vvhen our Lord had done her anie Fauour and she accompanies this Discourse vvith very profitable Doctrine She declares also hovv vve are to procure and greatly esteem the gaining of one degree of glorie more and hovv vve must not for anie trouble or paines forsake those benefits and blessings vvhich are euerlasting I Am loath to recount anie more of those Fauours which our Lord hath done me then such as I haue related already yea and euen they are more I doubt then need to be thought to haue been shewed to so miserable a Creature as my self but yet to obey our Lord who hath commanded it and your Reuerence also who expect it I will declare some things heer to his glorie And I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie that it may serue for the profit of some Soule to see that our Blessed Lord would vouchsafe so highly to fauour so wretched a thing as I am for then what will he not doe for such others as shall procure to serue his Diuine Maiestie in good earnest And euerie bodie will so be encouraged heerby to giue our Lord contentment and gust since euen in this mortall life of ours he vouchsafes to impart to vs such assurances and euen pawnes of his loue But first it is heer to be vnderstood that in all these Fauours which Almightie God is pleased to doe to a Soule there is euer more glorie or lesse as he himself is pleased to impart it more or lesse For the glorie and gust and comfort which he imparts is so much more in some Visions then in other as that I was euen amazed to find so great difference of enioying euen in this life For it happens that there is so great an excellencie belonging to some one Regalo or gust which our Lord imparts in some one Vision or in some one Rapt that it seemes an impossible thing to be able so much as to desire anie thing beyond it in this life nor doth the Soule indeed desire more nor would euen wish for more ioy and gust though yet since our Blessed Lord hath been pleased to giue me to vnderstand how great the difference is in Heauen between the glory which is enioyed by some that which is enioyed by others I am come to see very clearly that euen heer also there are no set limits in giuing when our Lord pleases And so could I also wish that there were no limits set in my doing Seruice to his Diuine Maiestie but that I would employ my whole strength and health and life vpon it that so I might not loose the least imaginable proportion of my enioying anie Celestiall blessing through anie fault of mine And heerin I declare my self thus farre That if this choice should be offered me Whether I would be subiect to all afflictions of the world euen till the end of the same world and then ascend by that meanes to the enioying of neuer so little more glorie or els without anie affliction at all to enioy a little lesse glorie I would most willingly accept of all those troubles and afflictions for a little more enioying that so I might also vnderstand more of the greatnes of Almightie God because I see that he who vnderstands more of him doth both praise him and loue him so much the more I say not but that I should be fully contented and should esteem my self very happie to be in Heauen though it were but in the most inferiour place thereof for our Blessed Lord would shew an abundance of mercie thereby to such an one as had been designed to Hell-Fire as I was and I humbly pray his Diuine Maiestie that he will not cast his eye vpon my great Sinnes but that in fine I may goe to Heauen But that which I say is this That if our Lord would giue me grace to labour much for him and if I were able to doe it I would not vpon anie tearmes how much paine soeuer it might cost me forgoe the gaine of anie thing in the way of Celestiall glorie by my fault miserable Creature that I am who had once lost it all through mine owne great Sinnes But heer it is also to be noted that in euerie Fauour or Vision or Reuelation which our Lord allowed me my Soule did still remaine with some great aduantage or gaine and sometimes with a gaine which was very extraordinarily great by meanes of some of my Visions For by my seing Christ our Lord his admirable and excessiue beautie remained imprinted in me and I haue it euen to this day for in such a case as this one onlie time serues the turne and therefore how much more when it happens so very often as our Lord hath vouchsafed to impart it to me In particular I remained with one which was extreamly considerable and it was this I was subiect to a very great fault by which much hurt came vpon me whensoeuer I beganne to obserue that anie one had a good inclination to me For if I liked him well I grew to carrie so much affection to him as that my memorie would bind me after a sort to be still thinking of him though yet it were not at all with anie intention to offend Almightie God
the effects whensoeuer the Soule hath Light for manie times as I haue sayd our Lord is pleased that it should remaine in darknes and not see this Light and therefore it is not so strange a busines which so wicked a Creature as my self may come to see On the other side it is but euen now that it hath hapned to me to be eight dayes in such a case as that I seemed neither to haue knowledge of what I owe to Almightie God not yet anie memorie of his Fauours but only that my Soule was euen halfe besotted and estranged and employed vpon I know not what nor how Not yet vpon anie ill thoughts but I was so very vntoward in respect of good ones that I did euen as it were laugh at my self and tooke a kind of gust to see the great basenes of a Soule whensoeuer our Lord vouchsafes not to be working in it But she yet vnderstands very well that she is not without possessing him euen in this State for it is not as I haue formerly sayd as it vses to be in our great afflictions but though we bring wood thither and doe also all that verie little which we are able to doe on our part there is yet no such thing in the world as the kindling at that time of anie fire of the loue of our Lord in our harts And it is no small mercie of his that we can so much as find that there is anie smoake for at least we know thereby that she is not dead and our Lord returnes to kindle it againe afterward But then this Soule of ours though we breake our verie heads in blowing and wearie our selues also otherwise in ordering and composing the wood seemes to be in such a condition as that euerie thing serues to choake vs the more And so I thinke the best of our case to be then to render our selues wholy vp and to know that we are able to doe nothing of our selues and then to apply our endeauours to the doing of some externall meritorious things Yea and perhaps our Blessed Lord is pleased to take Prayer from vs at that time to the end that the Soule may exercise her self in those other actions and so vnderstand at length by good experience how little she was able to doe of her self But now I haue this verie day regaled my Soule with our Lord and presumed to complaine to his Diuine Maiestie euen against himself to this effect How comes it to passe O my God that it seemes not enough for thee to keep me in this miserable life and that I resolue to endure it all for thy sake and that I content my self to be where all is vexation and trouble and that I may not so much as enioy euen thee but that I must also eat and sleepe and dispatch businesse and treat with euerie Creature according to the occasion and that I suffer all this for the loue of thee And now O my Lord thou knowest that this is an extreame torment to my hart and that yet in those few little moments of time which remaine to me for the enioying thee thou yet art pleased to hide thy self after this manner from me And how can this be compatible with thy mercie and how can the loue thou bearest me permit it I beleiue O my deare Lord that if it were a possible thing for me to hide my self from thee as thou dost thy self from me I thinke I say and I beleiue so much of the loue thou bearest me as that thou wouldst not endure it at my hands But thou art still with me and euer seest in what case I am Yet permit not longer O my Lord that this kind of course be held but I humbly beseech thee to consider that it is a kind of wrong to proceed after this manner with one who loues thee so much This and the like hath occurred to me to say though yet I considered first how that place which had been prouided for me in Hell was appointed me after a kind of fauourable way in comparison of what I had deserued But yet sometimes the loue I beare to our Blessed Lord is so very extrauagant that I scarce can tell what I doe and then with all the little vnderstanding I haue I make such cōplaints as these and our Lord endures them all at my hands and therefore let so good a King as this be euer praised But now might we perhaps be able to approach anie King of this world with such audacities as these And yet I wonder not much that we may not presume to talke after this manner to our Earthly Kings whome we haue so much reason to feare yea or euen to such great Lords as are the superiour parts of the State For now we find the world so changed that our verie liues should be longer then now they are to the end that we might haue time enough to learne the Punto's and new customes and fashions of good Manners of the world if there be anie meaning withall that we should also haue anie time to spend in the Seruice of Almightie God For my part I euen blesse my self to see what happens for the truth is that euen already I scarce knew how to liue in the world when I came to this place For now it passes I can assure you for no ieast whensoeuer there is any little omission to treat men euen with much more Stile and ceremonie then they deserue but they doe really so take it for an affront that you must forsooth interpret your intention and professe your desire to make satisfaction if there be as I was saying anie omission yea and I pray God that they will vouchsafe to beleiue you But in the meane time I returne to affirme that really I did not know how to liue so miserably doe these things afflict a poore ouerlaboured Soule For she sees that on the one side they command her to employ her whole thought vpon God and that it is necessarie for her to doe so to the end that she may be deliuered from manie dangers and on the other side she also finds that it concernes her not to loose a Punto euen in the Puntilio's of this world vpon the price of not chanceing to minister occasion of giuing temptation and trouble to them who place their Honour in these Punto's For as for me they tired me euen outright and I could neuer be at an end of making satisfactions for it was neuer in my power how much soeuer I endeauoured it to forbeare the making manie faults in this kind which as I sayd are not held to be little in the account of the world And it is true that in Religious Orders which in all reason should be excused and discharged in such kinds as these there is really a very true discharge Not yet that they affirme that our Monasteries ought to be a kind of Court for good breeding and to know what belongs to good Manners
this Light nor yet of anie other thing at all which our Lord was pleased to giue me to vnderstand and that with such a soueraigne kind of delight as cannot possibly be declared For all our Senses enioy such a superiour degree of sweetnes that it can no way be fully expressed and therefore I thinke it will be best to say no more I had once been aboue an hower in this condition when our Lord shewed me admirable things and seeming not to depart from being neer me he spake these verie words to me See heer my Daughter vvhat they loose vvho are against me doe not thou forbeare to let them knovv it But O my deare Lord what good will my saying it doe to them whome their owne actions blind so deeply if thy Diuine Maiestie doe not giue them light Some there be to whome thou hast giuen it and they haue profited much by knowing those greatnesses of thine but yet O my Lord they see in such sort withall that they are shewed to such a wretched and miserable thing as my self that I cannot but esteem it a strange thing to find that anie Creature should beleiue me Blessed be thy name and thy mercie for at least I haue plainly seen an euident amendment in mine owne Soule and I would be glad if I might still remaine there and not come back to liue heer anie more For the contempt wherein I held this whole world was very great and it seemed to be no better then euen dung to me and now I find how basely we be employed who are detained therein Whilst I remained with that Ladie of whome I spoke before it hapned to me once when I was ill and euen sick at the hart for I haue formerly been subiect to this miserie though nothing so much of late she considering me with much charitie and compassion commanded that one day certaine Iewells of hers should be brought forth which she had of very great value and one in particular of Diamonds which was prized at a verie high rate Now she conceaued belike that this would recreate and reviue me but I smiled inwardly at her the while and had compassion to see how meane things men esteem when I considered what our Lord hath layd-vp for vs And I thought how impossible a thing it would be for me to put anie manner of value vpon such toyes as those euen though I should endeauour it vnlesse our Lord should first depriue me of the memorie of those other treasures But now this kind of Fauour giues so great a dominion to the Soule that I know not whether it can possibly be vnderstood but only by such persons as possesse it For it is the proper true and naturall discharge and vntying of the Soule from all things created and this growes absolutly without anie labour of our owne and Almightie God doth it all and then his Diuine Maiestie shewes these Truths and that so as to make them remaine imprinted and engrauen in the Soule and they serue also to make vs see clearly that it was not possible for vs to acquire them especially in so short a time by anie diligences of our owne Vpon this I also came to haue very little feare of death which formerly had been great in me but now it is growne to seem to be a thing of very much facilitie and ease for such as apply themselues to the Seruice of Almightie God For by death the Soule flyes out of prison in one moment and is not only put presently into libertie but enioyes an euerlasting rest and glory Now this way which is held by Almightie God in carrying the Spirit vp to shew her so excellent things in these Rapts seemes to beare a very close kind of conformitie with the passage of a Soule out of a Bodie at the hower of death since it growes euen at one instant to be so entirely inpossession of this Eternall Good But heer I lay aside the consideration of those sorrowes and paines which are felt when the Soule is torne out of the Bodie for we are to make little account of that and they also who loue God in good earnest and haue shaken hands with all the contentments of this life are certainly wont to dye with more sweetnes It also seemes to me that these Fauours did me very much good towards the bringing me into a knowledge of our true Countrie and to see that we were meer Pilgrims heer and it is a pretious kind of thing to find what passes there aboue and to vnderstand where in fine we are to liue for euer And whensoeuer one goes to settle and stay for good and all in anie Countrie it giues a great assistance towards the enduring all the incommodities of the iourney when we know that the end of it is to be such as that we may in fine be in great repose and happines when we get thither It is also heer obtained that with case we may grow able to consider Heauenlie things that so our conuersation may be there And this is a great kind of gaine since the onlie thinking of Heauen recollects the Soule in regard that our Lord being pleased to shew vs somewhat which passes there we are induced to pawse and thinke vpon it And sometimes it so falls out that they whome I know to liue there are the Soules who accompanie me and in whome I receaue most comfort and these indeed are they who seem to be truely aliue and those others on the other side who liue heer seem to be so very deadly dead as that this whole world put togeather cannot amount to be anie companie at all for me And especially when I find anie of these impulses or impetuosities in my self the whole world seemes to be but a verie Dreame and all the obiects of these corporeall eyes of mine a meer ieast and toy but that which already I haue seen with the eyes of my Soule that I say is the thing which she desires and because she finds her self to be yet farre off from thence this is that which is no lesse then euen death it self to my Soule In fine the Fauour is excessiuely great which our Lord vouchsafes to that Soule to whome he giues such Visions as these for they helpe her much in all things and particularly to the carrying of a certaine heauie Crosse which lyes vpon her For nothing can satisfye her now but euerie thing disgusts and checks her And if our Blessed Lord did not giue way that we might forget it sometimes though yet we remember it againe afterward I know not how we should be able to liue Let him be Blessed and praised for all Eternitie and I humbly begg of his Diuine Maiestie euen by that very pretious Bloud which his owne Sonne shed for me that since he hath vouchsafed that I should vnderstand somewhat of these benefits and blessings and that I should beginne to enioy them also in some kind euen in this life it
may not happen to me as it did to Lucifer who lost all by his owne fault Doe not permit this O my Lord I humbly pray thee euen by all that which thou art for it is no small feare which I haue sometimes though yet at other times yea and vsually the mercie of Almightie God giues me a very confident hope that since he hath been pleased to draw me out of so manie Sinnes he will not forsake me so now as to let me be lost And this doe I humbly pray your Reuerence that you will euer desire in my behalfe But in the meane time me thinkes that those precedent Fauours were not so very great as this which I will now apply my self to relate and that for manie reasons manie blessings also and in particular for that great courage strēgth which haue still remained in me vpon that account And therefore if those former may be considered euerie one by it self this other which I am going to relate will be found to be so very great as that there will be no comparison at all between them I was one day and the same fell out to be vpon the Vigil of Pentecost or VVhitsontide after Masse and I went to a more remote place where I often vsed to pray and I beganne to read in a certaine Booke of this Feast which had been written by a Carthusian And meeting there with those signes which both Beginners and Proficients and Perfect Soules vse to haue and how they may come to vnderstand whether the Holie-Ghost doe inhabit their harts or no as soone as I had read these three States it seemed to me that Almightie God through his goodnes did not leaue or faile to be present with me after a particular manner for as much as I might be able to vnderstand And whilst I was praising his Diuine Maiestie for that blessing I remembred that I had read the same thing formerly when I wanted very much of that condition of minde and then I saw that I wanted it as plainly as now I vnderstand the direct contrarie concerning my self But thus I came to know the great Fauour which our Blessed Lord had done me and from thence I grew also to consider the Place which my Soule had deserued in Hell for my Sinnes and I gaue great praise to Almightie God in regard that now me thought my Soule was so extreamly changed that I could hardly almost conceaue it to be the verie self-same thing which it had been before Being then in this consideration there came a great impulse or impetuositie vpon me without my being able to vnderstand the occasion thereof Me thought my verie Soule had a minde to get instantly out of my Bodie for now she could not possibly containe her self any longer nor found she her self at that time to be able to stay anie longer heer in the painefull expectation of so great a Good Now this was so excessiue an impulse or impetuositie that I could not possibly tell euen what to doe with my self nor so much as what I ayled so extreamly was I growne to be in disorder And though I were sitting then yet was I not able euen to sitt and so I applyed my self a little to leane for I found that all my naturall forces began to faile me But perceauing my self to be in this case I saw a Doue vpon mine owne head but such a Doue as was very different from them of this world for she had not of our kind of feathers but the wings were as of certaine little shells which darred a huge splendour from themselues This Doue was much greater then any ordinarie Doue and me thought I heard a noise which she made with her wings for she was fluttering about the space of an Aut Maria. But my Soule was already in such condition that growing to loose her self she also lost the sight of the Doue My Spirit did then beginne to quiet it self vpon the entertaining of such a Guest as she had gotten though yet for my part I imagined that so wondrous an encounter and accident as that was might well haue disquieted and frighted it But she beginning already to enioy layd quickly all feare aside and togeather with the self same ioy grew to haue quietnes withall but yet still remaining in the Rapt Now the glorie of this Rapt was extreamly great and I remained during the most part of the whole Festiuitie of Pentecost so stunned and euen as it were besorted and befooled that I knew not what to dot with my self nor was I able by anie meanes to vnderstand how so high and great a Fauour as this was could possibly find a resting place in me I neither heard nor saw in effect by reason of the great excesse of my interiour ioy I vnderstood how from that day forward my Soule remained with a very great encrease of improuement by enioying a more sublime loue of Almightie God and that my vertues also had gained a great encrease of strength Now let him be blessed and praised for all eternities Amen I saw also at another time the same Doue vpon the head of a certaine Father of S. Dominick's Order saue that me thought both the beames and the brightnes of the verie wings did spread and extend themselues much further and it was giuen me then to vnderstand that he was to winne Soules to God Another time I saw our Blessed Ladie putting a white long Garment vpon the back of a certaine Graduate of the same Order of whome I haue spoken formerly diuerse times and she told me that she had giuen him that Mantle for hauing assisted in the Busines of this House and that his Soule should be defended and preserued for the future in such puritie as that he should not fall into Mortall Sinne. And I assure my self it proued so for he dyed within few yeares after yea and he did both line and dye with so great Per nance and sanctitie that there can be no doubt thereof for anie thing that we are able to vnderstand And a certaine Religious man who had been at his death told me that S. Thomas of Aquin had been with him and that he dyed both with great ioy and with desire also to be deliuered from this bannishment wherein he was Since that time he hath appeared to me in very much glorie and told me diuerse things He was a man of so great Prayer that when a little before he dyed he would gladly haue forborne the exercise thereof through his great weaknes he was not able to doe it for euen then he had manie Rapts He wrote to me a little before he dyed about what course I thought he were best to take for helpe because euer as soone as he had done Masse he vsed to fall into Rapts which would last long without his being able to forbeare them But our Lord gaue him at length the reward of the great Seruice he had done him during his whole life Of
the Rectour of the Societie of IESVS whome I mentioned before I haue seen some things concerning great Fauours which our Lord did him but I will not insert them heer for feare of being too long There hapned a great trouble to him once for he was persecuted and found himself greatly afflicted and I hearing Masse one day saw Christ our Lord vpon the Crosse iust then when the Preist eleuated the Sacred Hoast and he spoke certaine words to me wherewith I was to acquaint him for his comfort and others also he spoke by way of preuention of some future inconuenience which might ariue and he represented also to him how much himself had suffered for his sake and that therefore he should prepare himself to suffer And this gaue him both much comfort and much courage and all hapned to him iust so as our Blessed Lord had foretold Of the Religious of a certaine Order yea and of that whole Order togeather I haue seen great things For I haue seen them sometimes in Heauen with white Banners in their hands I haue seen as I was saying other things of great admiration And accordingly I haue this Order in much veneration for I haue treated and communicated with them much and I see that their life is agreable to that which our Blessed Lord hath giuen me to vnderstand concerning them I being one night in Prayer our Lord beganne to vtter some words to me which brought me to remember how wicked my life had been and they gaue me confusion and paine enough for although they imported not anie rigour yet they endued me with such a tender kind of feeling and greif that the Soule was euen dissolued by it And we vse in such cases to find more benefit in the way of knowing out selues by some one such word as these then we are able to acquire in manie dayes by our owne consideration of our miserie for it brings such a truth to be euē ingrauē in our Soule as we cannot possibly denye He represented to me also those inclinations of mine which I had formerly entertained towards Creatures with so much vanitie and told me that I was to put a great value vpon the desire which he had that I would lodge all my affectiō vpon him which formerly I had employed so ill since he would accept thereof At other times he bad me remember that formerly I had sometimes esteemed it for a point of honour in me to goe against his Honour And yet at other times that I should remember how much I owed him for that I vsed to commit the greatest offences against him whilst he vsed to be doing me Fauours If I haue anie faults which are not few our Lord giues them so to be vnderstood by me at those times that it makes me euen as it were annihilate my self and because I haue manie faults he vses me so manie times It hapned to me once that a Ghostile Father reprehended me and when I thought to comfort my self in Prayer it was there that I found indeed my true reprehension But now to returne to that which I was saying when our Lord beganne to bring my wicked life to my remembrance which cost me a world of teares and when I also considered that I had done no good thing lately which might euen in my opinion deserue his Fauour I beganne to consider a while whether he might not perhaps intend some new expression of goodnes to me because whensoeuer I find my self receaue anie particular Fauour from our Lord it is ordinarily after I haue euen defeated and annihilated my self And I conceaue that our Lord proceeds thus with me to the end that I may see the more clearly how farre I am out of the way of deserueing his Fauours Shortly after this my Spirit was so absorpt and snatcht away that in effect it seemed to be absolutly out of my Bodie at least it was not vnderstood that it liued in it And then I saw the most Sacred Humanitie of our Blessed Lord in much more excessiue glorie then euer I had discerned before Now this was represented to me by a certaine admirable and cleare notice of his being placed in the verie bosome of his Father Nor yet doe I know what to say of how this was for it seemed to me that I saw my self present before that verie Diuinitie and yet without seing my self and I remained so amazed and euerie way indeed in such sort that I thinke there passed some dayes before I was able to returne to my self For still I was conceauing that I had the Maiestie of the Sonne of God present with me though it were not yet like the former for this I vnderstood well enough But how soeuer it remained so engrauen in my Imagination that I cannot be ridd of it how short soeuer the time were wherein it was represented to me and this is matter both of great comfort and of great benefit to my Soule Now I haue seen this verie Vision at three other times and this in my opinion is absolutly the most sublime Vision which euer our Blessed Lord gaue me and it brings the greatest improuement and profit with it For it seemes that the Soule is greatly purifyed by it and that it doth vtterly take away all strength from the sensualitie of our Self-Loue It is a vehement flame which seems to burne vp and euen annihilate all the desires of this life And since God be blessed for it I had already no inclination to idle and impertinent things it was heer declared to me in distinct manner that all was vanitie and in particular how vaine all the Superiorities and Signories of this world be And it falls out also to be of mightie instruction for the raising-vp of our desires to be lodged vpon the puritie of Truth and there remaines a high kind of adoration and reuerence of God imprinted after a certaine manner which I know not how to describe but it is of a very different kind from whatsoeuer we can acquire in this world It creates also a huge amazement in the Soule to consider how she euer durst or how anie creature can presume so farre as to thinke of offending such a Supreame Maiestie of Almighty God I haue declared sometimes heertofore the effects of Visions and such other things but I haue also sayd already that a Soule receaues more or lesse profit according to the proportion and manner of the Vision as the same may be either more or lesse But in this it was extraordinarily great when I came to receaue the Blessed Sacrament and I did then record to my self that incomparable Maiestie which I had seen and vnderstood to be the verie same which is in this most Holie Sacrament And manie times our Lord is pleased to let me see him in the Sacred Hoast where vpon the verie haire of my head would stand on end and me thought I was euen annihilated outtight O my deare Lord and if thou didst
Vowes of his Profession the Bulles granted in fauour of his Order had auailed him towards his escape of Purgatorie Now I know not why this was giuen to be vnderstood by me but me thinkes it may be very well to make me know that a man's being a Religious man doth not consist only in his Habit I meane not in the onlie wearing it as if that verie thing did endue him with more perfection I will now relate no more of these things for there is no great cause why I should though yet our Blessed Lord haue done me the fauour to shew me very manie But amongst all those Soules which I haue seen I haue not vnderstood of anie one which escapes the going at all into Purgatorie but only this last Father and that holie man Fray Pedro de Alcantara and that Dominican Father of whome I spake before Our Lord hath also been pleased to let me see the seuerall degrees which they haue of glorie by representing the places to me wherein they are and I find that there is a great deale of difference between some and others THE NINE AND THIR TIETH CHAPTER She proceeds in the same Subiect of shevving the great Fauours vvhich our Lord had done her And she declares hovv he vvas pleased to promise his Fauour to them for vvhome she should begg it and she relates some important particulars vvherein his Diuine Maiestie had done her particular Fauours of this kind BEing once very importunate with our Blessed Lord that he would be pleased to giue sight to a certaine person to whome I had obligation and who was almost growne to be vtterly blind I had much compassion on him and I feared least our Lord would not heare me in regard of my Sinnes But yet he appeared to me then as he had also done at other times and beganne to shew me the Wound of his left hand and with his right hand he drew out the great naile which had been thrust into it and me thought that some of the verie flesh came out with the naile I saw well how great paine it did import and it afflicted me much But he told me that since he had endured so much for my sake I should not doubt but that he would more easily be drawne to harken to this Suite of mine and so he promised that he would grant whatsoeuer I should desire but he knew very well already that I would begg nothing of him but only to his owne honour and glorie and that I made this present Suite vnder that condition He willed me also to remember and consider that euen when I did him not true Seruice I had not desired anie thing of him which he had not granted euen better then my self had desired and therefore how much more would he be sure enough to doe it now when he knew I loued him and therefore that I should bannish all doubt And I thinke eight dayes did not passe but that our Lord restored sight to that person and this was presently knowne by my Ghostlie Father Now peraduenture as I thought at first this did not happen by meanes of anie prayer of mine though yet since I saw this Vision I haue remained with some little certaintie that the thing was done by the Fauour of his Diuine Maiestie to me and accordingly I haue presented him with my thankes Another time there was a person sick of a very painefull infirmitie which because it was of an odd condition and way I forbeare to particularize it heer But it was a kind of insupportable thing and he had been troubled with it two moneths but he endured a torment by it which did euen teare him in peices Now my Ghostlie Father went to visit him and that was the Rectour of the Colledge of whome I spake and he had great compassion of the man and told me that in anie case I must also goe giue him a Visit for that he was a person to whome I might handsomly doe it in regard that he was my Kinsman I went and had so much pittie of him that I beganne to begg his health of our Lord after a very importunate manner And in this I saw clearly by the very vttermost of what I am able to imagine how much Fauour our Lord was pleased to doe me therein for instantly vpon the verie next day he was absolutly well I was once in a great deale of trouble because I came to know that a certaine person to whome I was much obliged was resolued to doe a thing which was greatly against the honour both of Almightie God and himself and yet he was very much bent to doe the thing Now my trouble for this was so great that I knew not which way to find remedie and meanes to make him leaue it and indeed it rather seemed that there was none But then I besought Almightie God and that with my whole hart that he would help vs and till I could find it done I should be in paine Being therefore now in this case I went to a certaine Oratory a little remore from where I was for there are diuerse such in this Monasterie and finding a Picture of Christ our Lord as he was bound to the Pillar I humbly begged of his Diuine Maiestie to doe me that Fauour And presently I heard one speake to me in a most sweet voice but it was framed as if it had been in the manner of whistling For my part I was all in a fright and the verie haire of my head stood an end and I had a great desire to heare what it sayd to me But when once my feare was gone which was also quickly I remained with rest and ioy and so great an interiour kind of delight that it amazed me how the onlie hearing of a voice and that with the onlie eares of flesh and bloud yea and without the articulation or framing of anie one word was able to produce so powerfull an operation in the Soule But in the meane time I found euen thereby that the thing which I had desired should be done and so it was and the paine wherein I found my selfe concerning it was vtterly remoued in a thing which was not yet as if I had found it to be certainly granted as it hapned to be afterward And I related the whole accident to my Confessours who at that time were two and they both were very learned men and the Seruants of Almighty God I knew also of a certaine person who had resolued to serue his Diuine Maiestie in very good earnest and he had vsed Prayer some dayes and therein his Diuine Maiestie had done him manie Fauours and yet he gaue-ouer his course of Prayer vpon certaine occasions which occurred to him and those he did not quitt although they were full of danger This put me to a great deale of paine because the man whome the matter concerned was a person whome both I loued much and whome I also was much obliged to loue
times to vnderstand things but iust so as we haue a minde to vnderstand them our selues and euen they are wrested much from the true sense And so we also doe in things of this world and we will needs make our selues beleiue that we must tax euen our owne profit in Spirit according to the measure of the time wherein we haue had anie exercise of Prayer Nay it seemes that we haue had a minde to put a tax and limit vpon him who by no meanes will be subiect to anie when there is question of imparting his Fauours which he is wont to dispose when he will and who can impart more benedictions to one in six moneths then to another in a great multitude of yeares And this is a most certaine truth which I haue seen so expresly verifyed euen with my verie eyes vpon the instance of manie persons that I wonder how we can so much as detaine our selues in the least doubt thereof But I am very apt to beleiue that a man who hath anie talent in trying and knowing Spirits and to whome our Blessed Lord shall haue giuen true Humilitie will not be able to fall and continue in this errour For such a man will iudge of things by the effects and by the strong purposes and firme resolutions and loue of the party who is chiefly concerned And besides our Lord is wont to giue such a person light whereby he may be able to vnderstand it and by that verie light he also discernes the profiting and proceeding forward of Soules and not by the number of yeares wherein they haue attended to these things Because some one Soule may as I sayd before haue obtained that in six moneths which another shall not haue been able to get in twentie yeares For as I sayd also before our Lord bestowes those things to whome he will and commonly he doth it to such as dispose themselues best to receiue them And in proofe heerof I see that there come now to this House of ours certaine Gentlewoemen and Ladies who are very young and yet when our Blessed Lord vouchsafes once to touch their harts and to giue them a little Light and Loue and when in a very short time he is pleased to allow and impart some Regalo and gust of Spirit to them they haue not stayed and pawsed nor was anie difficultie able to offer it self against them which could stopp them but they would be going on without so much as remembring that they were to liue by eating their meate and they shut themselues vp for euer in a House without hauing so much as anie Reuenue vpon which to liue like persons who put no manner of esteem vpon anie thing of this world for the loue of him who they know loues them And they giue ouer euen all things all at once nor haue they anie will at all which is meerly their owne nor doe they vnderstand it to be possible that euer they can receaue disgust by enduring such a straight shutting vp but all of them offer-vp their whole selues in Sacrifice to the honour and glorie of Almightie God And now how willingly and iustly doe I allow them to haue gotten the Start of me heerin and how mightily ought I to be ashamed and euen confounded in the presence of Almightie God to see that what his Diuine Maiestie could not finish in my Soule through my fault in such a multitude of yeares since I vsed Prayer and wherein he beganne to doe me Fauours he hath yet been able to accomplish in them within three moneths yea and euen with some of them in three dayes with doing them also farre lesse Fauour then to me Though yet withall it be very true that our Blessed Lord payes them so well for their paines that they are all very farre from being sorrie to haue done whatsoeuer they haue done for the loue of him For this purpose I could wish that we might call to minde how manie yeares they are since we made our Profession and haue vsed Mentall Prayer Not yet for the giuing them anie trouble by making them turne back who haue made a great deale of way in a short time and to get them to goe but our pace which is as much as it would be to make them who flye like Eagles through the Fauours which it hath pleased Almightie God to doe them to walke the slow dull pace of a shackled Hen but to the end that we may grow to carrie the honour of his Diuine Maiestie in our eye And then if we find these Sisters of ours to be humble whome we see to be so forward in the way of Spirit that we should giue them still the raynes For certainly our Blessed Lord who hath done them so great Fauours already will neuer suffer them to breake their necks by falling downe as from some dangerous rock They commit and trust themselues in the hands of Almightie God for this benefit doe they reape by the truth which Faith teaches them and shall not we also trust them there but must we limit and confine them by our narrow measure according to the meannesse straightnes of our owne poore mindes No no this must not be but rather if our selues cannot ariue to be owners of those strong affections and firme resolutions which abound in them for these things cannot be well vnderstood without experience let vs procure to humble our selues and not condemne them For els by seeming to haue a care of their aduantage and profit we shall depriue our selues of our owne and we shall also loose the occasion which our Lord shewes vs so faire for our owne greater humilitie and that we may the better vnderstand how much is wanting to vs as also how much more absolutly those other Soules are likelie to be vntyed and freed from worldlie things then ours and how much neerer they are approached to Almightie God then we since we see that his Diuine Maiestie is come so much closer vp towards them then vs. For my part I can vnderstand no more in this case neither indeed haue I anie desire to vnderstand more then that I had rather haue such Prayer as hauing been obtained and exercised but a short time might be found to haue great effects and which instantly appeare for it is impossible that a Creature should be content to throw away a whole world at once vpon the onlie reason of pleasing Almightie God without a mightie force of loue then such an other kind of Prayer as should haue continued manie yeares and yet neuer in fine haue made an end of resoluing vpon anie more at the last then at the first to doe aniething for the pure loue of Almightie God vnlesse it be some poore little fidling bable which is no bigger then a graine of Salt which hath neither bulke nor weight but is such as that anie Bird might be able to carrie it away in her Bill For I confesse we hold it not for a matter
different kindes was round about me which circled me in And it seemed to me that cuerie one had offensiue weapons in his hands wherewith to hurt me as Lances Swords and Daggers and others had also long Staues In a word I could not get from thence by anie way or meanes without danger of death especially being alone and not hauing anie one Creature to helpe me And being thus in so great affliction of Spirit that I knew not what to doe I lifted-vp mine eyes towards Heauen and saw Christ our Lord not then in Heauen but yet very high and farre off from me in the ayre who reachtforth his hand towards me and fauoured me from thence in such sort that I feared neither all that other people nor yet these who all were vnable to doe me hurt how much soeuer they should desire it This Vision seemes at the first sight to be without anie fruit or good effect at all but it hath yet done me a great deale of good because I haue vnderstood what it signifyed For I saw my self in that encounter shortly after and knew that it was nothing els but this Vision and I also came to know it to be a verie picture or rather Mappe of the world For as manie as are in it abstracting euer from those few who apply themselues to doe our Lord particular Seruice seemed to carrie Armes against this wretched Soule of ours as namely Honours Estates Delights and the like For it is euident that the Soule is all ouercast with a Nett before it be aware at least all these things doe the best they can to endanger and wrapp vs vp fast enough as namely Freinds Kindred and which amazes me more euen such as are vertuous people For I found my self afterward to be extreamly pressed and euen oppressed by them they conceauing in the meane time that they carried themselues very well but the while I knew not at all either how to defend my self or what to doe O my deare God! and if now I should stand to relate the kindes and differences of those troubles which set vpon me at that time euen after all those others whereof I spake before how well might this be able to serue for a meanes to make a man wholy abhorre all things It was me thinkes the verie greatest persecution of all that euer I had endured For I felt my self at some times so straightly set vpon on all sides that I only found remedie by lifting-vp mine eyes to Heauen and crying vpon Almightie God And I remembred very well what I had seen in this last Vision of mine and it did me a great deale of good towards a not putting confidence in anie Creature for there is no one of them firme and stable but only God alone is entirely and truly so But in these great afflictions our Lord hath euer vsed to send me some person or other who in his name might lend me his hand as he signifyed to me that he would and as he did also let me see in this last Vision and so I tyed not my self to anie thing but only to please our Blessed Lord and this hath serued to sustaine this poore little vertue which I had in desiring to serue him And let him be Blessed for euer But finding my self once very vnquiet and in great disorder yea and in skirmish or rather in a verie battaile without being able to recollect my self yea and my thoughts being scattered and dispersed vpon things which were not very perfect and withall not seeming to be so vtterly vntyed from all things as I vsed and being still so wicked as I was I grew afrayd that the Fauours which our Blessed Lord had done me might fall-out to be Illusions and in fine I then remained with a very great obscuritic of minde But now whilst I was in this paine our Lord beganne to speake to me and told me that I must not be thus afflicted but that finding my self in that case I might well vnderstand euen thereby in how great miserie I must remaine if once he should depart from me and that there was to be no securitie at all as long as we should continue in this world I was also giuen to vnderstand how well our labour was employed in this strife and warre since it would not faile to be followed with so high a reward And me thought our Blessed Lord had compassion of them who liue in this world but that I must not thinke that he had forgotten me yea and that he would neuer leaue me but yet so as that still I must also doe my part in helping my self And this did our Blessed Lord declare to me with a kind of tender compassion and Regalo accompanied with certaine words whereby so high Fauour was done me as I need not stand heer to relate And these others which follow heer now his Diuine Maiestie saith also often to me with demonstration of most particular loue Thou art novv grovvne to be mine and I am thine And those words which I am euer wont to say and to my thinking I say them with much truth are these which follow VVhat care I O my Lord for my self but only for thee But I confesse those words of his to me are of great Regalo to my hart though yet withall they be of excessiue confusion when I remember what kind of Creature I am But it seemes that I haue need of more courage for the receauing of those high Fauours then euen for the enduring of vnspeakable afflictions But now when these things are in motion all the poore good actions of my life are vtterly forgotten by me and then it is only represented to my minde how wicked I am and that without anie discourse at all of my vnderstanding so that euen this also doth seem at certaine times to haue somewhat of the Supernaturall in it Sometimes there come also vpon me so earnest and euen eager appetites of receauing the Blessed Sacrament that I know not whether it can be possible for me to expresse them to the full It hapned to me one morning that it rayned so extreamly as to seem no way fitt for me to goe out of doores But yet being once gotten abroad I was already growne also to be so farre out of my self through that desire of Communicating that although they had set Lances euen pointed and held fast against my verie Breast me thought I could haue passed euen through them all and how much more then through water And as soone as I ariued at Church I was taken with a very great Rapt For me thought the verie Heauen was open and not by one ouerture only as I had seen it at other times and I saw another also aboue that vpon which I vnderstood by way of a certaine notice which I am not able to expresse the Diuinitie it self to be though yet I saw not the Diuinitie And me thought it was vpheld by certaine Mysterious Beasts and I was
considering whether they were not those of the Euangelists But yet I neither saw how the Throne was seated nor who was sitting in it but only a great multitude of Angells about it which seemed to me of much more beautie beyond comparison then those others which I had seen in Heauen before And I haue been thinking whether they might not haue been Seraphins or Cherubins for they are very different in point of glorie and they seemed to be mightily inflamed And as for the glorie which then I felt in my self it can neither be written nor spoken nor is anie one able euen to thinke it but such as had been made partakers of it by seeing it But I vnderstood that absolutly all that which possibly can be desired was there and that all togeather I there saw nothing at all distinctly but they told me yet I know not euen who they were that the thing which I might there be able to doe was to vnderstand that I could vnderstand nothing but that I might see from thence the direct Nothingnes of all things in comparison of that And really it is very true that my Soule from that time forward hath found it self as if it were extreamly affronted and confounded to obserue that it was able to pause at all vpon anie thing created and how much more then to be affected either by it or to it For all things seem to me euer since to be neither better nor more then the verie nest of an Ant. But I Communicated and was at Masse though yet I knew not how I could be so I conceiued that the time had been very short and wondered when the Clock struck and so found that it was two howers wherein I had remained in Rapt and glorie I was amazed after this to know how by approaching so neer to this Fire which seemed to come from aboue out of the true loue of Almightie God it was yet in no power of mine at all to get the least sparke thereof but only when his Diuine Maiestie was pleased to impart it For how much soeuer I desire it and how earnestly soeuer I procure it and would defeate and euen destroy my self for it there is yet no meanes at all to obtaine it But now this Rapt of mine seemes euen to haue consumed the faults and lukewarmnesse and miseries of the old man as the Phenix is sayd to doe her self out of whose ashes when she is burnt springs another Phenix For iust so doth a Soule become absolutly an other kind of thing with desires wholy different and with a courage so encreased that now she seemes not to be what she was before but now beginnes to walke with a new kind of puritie in the way of our Lord. And I iust then beseeching his Diuine Maiestie that it might proue to be so in my case and that I might now at least beginne as vpon a new account to doe him seruice he spake these words to me Thou hast made a good Comparison and see that thou forget it not that so thou maist euer procure to improue thy self And being once in the self-same doubt whereof I spake euen now whether these Visions were of God or no our Lord appeared and spake these words to me with some rigour Hovv long O yee Sonnes of men vvill yee continue to be hard of hart And he also willed me then to examine my self well vpon this one Interrogatorie VVhether I vvere entirely giuen to him for his or no and that if I vvere giuen so and vvas so I should beleiue that he vvould not suffer me to be lost And whereas I afflicted my self much vpon his vttering that exclamation aforesayd he returned with great tendernes and Regalo and told me that he would not haue me afflict my self and that he knew already that I for my part would not faile to apply my self wholy to that which might be for his Seruice and that so he would also doe all that which I desired of him against Illusions and so he was pleased to doe that thing in particular which then I humbly begged at his hands For he willed me to looke in vpon the Loue which went encreasing daily in me for thereby I might best vnderstand that the Diuel had no part in it and that I must not thinke Almightie God would consent that the Diuel should haue so much power ouer the Soules of his Seruants as to be able to giue me such a claritie of vnderstanding togeather with such a depth of repose of minde as I possessed And he gaue me also further to vnderstand that such and so manie men hauing told me that these Visitations were of Almightie God I should doe ill if I did not beleiue them Being also another time in Prayer vpon S. Athanasius's Creed of Quicumque vult c I was giuen to vnderstand the manner how there was one onlie God and three Persons and this in so perspicuous and cleare a kind that I was no lesse comforted by it then amazed at it This also did me very much good towards the giuing me encrease of knowledge concerning the greatnes of Almightie God and of his wonders and for all such occasions also as wherein I thinke of the Blessed Trinitie or heare speech thereof And now me thinkes I conceaue how all that Mysterie stands very well and it contents me much One day vpon the Assumption of our B. Ladie the Queen of the Angells our Lord was pleased to doe me the Fauour in a certaine Rapt that her rising vp into Heauen was represented to me togeather with the solemnitie and ioy of that Celestiall Court wherewith she was receiued as also the place which she held To tell what kind of thing this was I am no way able The glorie which euen my Spirit had to see that hers is so great was euen extreame and I remained with great effects and improuements by it towards a wish of vndergoing yet greater afflictions for the loue of our Lord. And so it also gaue me encrease of desires to serue our B. Ladie since both her dignitie and merit was so great And being one day in a Colledge of the Societie of IESVS and the Brothers of that House being then in act of receauing the B. Sacrament I saw a very rich Canopie ouer their heads and this at two seuerall times but yet when others Communicated there I saw it not THE FOVRTIETH CHAPTER She proceeds in the same Discourse by relating the great Fauours vvhich our Lord shevved her vvhereby good instruction is to be gotten And vvith the end of this Chapter she ends also the Discourse of her Life BEing once in Prayer the delight and gust which I felt within my self was so great and I found my self so vnworthie of so high a Fauour that I beganne vpon that occasion to consider how much better I had deserued to possesse that place in Hell which was prepared for me for I could neuer forget in what manner I had seen my self
beseech your Reuerence my good Father to begg of Almightie God that he will either take me quickly to himself or els I beseech his Diuine Maiestie that he giue me power to serue him In the meane time I humbly beseech Almighty God that what I haue written heer may be of some vse to your Reuerence and I haue not done it without some trouble in regard of the little conueniences which I had But happie shall this trouble be if I haue chanced to hit anie thing right and if our Blessed Lord may receaue some one only Act of praise by occasion thereof I shall esteem my self to be fully payd though your Reuerence should burne it all immediatly after And yet I could not wish that this should happen till those three persons had seen it of whome you know since they are and haue been my Ghostlie Fathers For if the thing be not right it will be fitt that they giue-ouer the good opinion which they haue of me and if on the other side things goe well I know that they are good and learned men and they can not be ignorant from whence it comes and they will giue him glorie and praise who hath done it though he haue serued himself of me therein I beseech his Diuine Maiestie that he will euer keepe your Reuerence in his holie hand and make you so great a Saint as that you may with Spirit and Light illuminate this miserable Creature who hath so little of the humble in her and so much of the bold as that she hath presumed to write of these high things I beseech our Lord that I haue not erred therein whilst my ayme and desire was to hitt right and to obey and that in fine there might be somewhat for which our Lord should be praised For this is that great Suite which I haue made to him now these manie yeares and since I haue wanted workes whereby to comply with this ayme I haue aduentured vpon commandment to see if I could put this irregular and confused Life of mine into some order though yet without employing either anie more attention or time then that which was meerly necessarie for writing it And so I haue only set those things downe which haue occurred to me and passed in me with all plainnes and truth to the verie vttermost of my endeauour And I humbly beseech our Blessed Lord that since he is so powerfull as that if he will he can he may be pleased to make me wholy hitt the marke in performance of his holie will and not permit that this Soule be lost which his Diuine Maiestie hath been pleased by so manie wayes and euen cunning industries of his yea and that so manie times to deliuer and bring out of Hell and to draw vp so very close to himself Amen Benedictus Deus This Booke vvas finished the first time in Iune in the yeare of our Lord God 1562. It vvas vvritten then vvithout distinction of Chapters but aftervvards it vvas vvritten by this glorious Saint againe and then it vvas diuided into Chapters and manie things also vvere added by her vvhich hapned aftervvard and particularly that vvhich concerned the Foundation of the Monasterie of S. Ioseph of Auila A Letter vvritten by the Glorious S. Teresa to her Ghostlie Father vvho had commanded her to vvrite her ovvne Life for as much as might concerne her manner of Prayer and the Fauours vvhich our Lord had shevved her And this Letter did she send to him togeather vvith the Booke it self THe Holie-Ghost be alwaies with your Reuerence Amen It would not be amisse euen almost to exaggerate the Seruice which now I am doing to your Reuerence that so you may euen hold your self to be the more obliged to take very particular and great care to recommend me to Almightie God And this I may well presume to doe since it hath cost me so very deare to see my self thus set downe in writing and to haue brought by occasion thereof so manie of my great miseries to my remembrance though yet withall I can affirine with much truth that I haue had farre more auersion and trouble vpon my declaring the Fauours which it pleased our Blessed Lord to doe me then it would haue been for me to discouer euen the offences themselues which I haue committed against his Diuine Maiestie But in the meane time I haue done what your Reuerence hath commanded in order to the enlarging my self in this Discourse though yet withall it be vpon condition that your Reuerence will also doe what you promised in tearing whatsoeuer you shall not like I had not finished so much as the verie reading it ouer after I had written it euen now when your Reuerence sent to me for it and therefore it may very well chance that some things are ill declared and others very vnnecessarily repeated for the time wherein I was able to doe it did proue so very streight and short that I could not so much as looke ouer what I had written I beseech your Reuerēce to reforme my errours heerin and to command it to be coppied out and sent to Father Auila for els perhaps the hand may be knowne to others But I desire very much that such order may be taken as that he may see it since I partly beganne to write it vpon that designe For when he shall once conceaue that I goe in a way which is right I shall be very much comforted by it and so when I shall haue vsed this diligence there will be on my part no more to be done I humbly pray your Reuerence to doe in all things as you shall thinke fitt and consider that you are euen obliged therein for such an one as trusts her Soule in your hands after so confident a manner As for yours I will be recommending it to our Blessed Lord all the dayes of my life and I beseech you therefore make great hast to serue his Diuine Maiestie to the end that you may be the better able to doe me also fauour with him since your Reuerence will easily see by that which goes in companie of this how well all your endeauours will be employed in going on as you haue already begunne and in bestowing your self totally vpon him who hath giuen himself so wholy to vs without anie limits at all Let him be blessed and praised for euer and for my part I hope through his mercie that both your Reuerence and my self shall one day grow to vnderstand more clearly the great blessings which he hath been pleased to shew vs both that so we may be able to praise him for all Eternities Amen A TABLE OF THE CHAPTERS 1. CHAP. THe Saint shevves hovv our Lord began to stirr-vp her Soule in her Childhood to the performeing of vertuous actions And of the helpe vvhich it giues in order to this end to be borne of vertuous Parents 2. CHAP. She shevves hovv she vvent looseing in the vvay of vertue And hovv very much it
imports to conuerse in Childhood vvith vertuous persons 3. CHAP. She treats hovv her falling into vertuous company vvas the occasion of her returning to avvake good desires in her selfe And hovv our Lord began to giue her some light of the errour vvherein she had formerly been 4. CHAP. She relates hovv our Lord assisted her to force her selfe to take the Habit of Religion and of the many infirmityes vvhich our Lord began to bring vpon her 5. CHAP. She prosecutes the relation of the great infirmityes vvhich she had and of the patience vvhich our Lord gaue her in them and hovv benefits are dravvne out of mischeifes as vvill be seen by a certaine particular vvhich happened to her in the place vvhither she vvent to be cured 6. CHAP. She treates of hovv much she ovved our Lord for his giueing her conformity to his holy vvill in so great afflictions And hovv she tooke the Glorious Saint Ioseph for her Intercessour and hovv aduantagious that Deuotion proued to be 7. CHAP. She shevves by vvhat degrees and meanes she vvent looseing the Fauour vvhich our Lord had done her and hovv ill she began to liue And she also declares the harme there is in not maintaining Clausure in the Monasteryes of Religious vvoemen 8. CHAP. She treates of the great good it did her tovvards the not looseing her Soule not to haue vvholy giuen ouer her Prayer As also vvhat an excellent remedy that is tovvards the gaining of vvhatsoeuer good thing vvhich is lost She persvvades all Creatures to vse it and declares the great benefit thereof and although vvee should aftervvard leaue it yet still it vvould proue a great good to haue vsed so great a helpe for some time 9. CHAP. She declares by vvhat meanes our Lord began to avvake her Soule and giue her light in so great darknes and to strengthen also her vertues that so she might offend him no more 10. CHAP. She beginnes to declare the Fauours vvhich our Lord did her in Prayer and speakes of that vvherein vvee may be able to helpe our selues And hovv much it also imports vs to vnderstand the said Fauours vvhich our Lord is pleased to doe vs. She humbly desires of him to vvhome she sends this account of her selfe that vvhatsoeuer she shall declare from hence forvvard may remaine in secret vvith him since he had commanded her to set dovvne in so particular a manner the Fauours vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her CHAP. 11. She declares in vvhat the fault consists of not obtaining to loue God vvith perfection in short time She beginns to deliuer it by a Comparison vvhich containes Fovvre Degrees of Prayer And she treats heer of the first vvhich is very profitable for beginners for those also vvho haue no sensible delight or gust in Prayer 12. CHAP. She prosecutes her Discourse of the first State or Degree of Prayer and declares hovv farre vvee may ariue of our Selues by the Fauour of our Lord And of the hurt it brings to desire that our Spirit may rise to Supernaturall and Extraordinary things till our Lord himselfe be pleased to ordaine it 13. CHAP. She proceeds in this First Degree and State of Prayer and giues aduise against some temptations vvhich the Deuill is sometimes vvont to bring This Discourse is very profitable 14. CHAP. She beginns to declare the Second Degree of Prayer vvherein our Lord is already pleased to giue the Soule more particular gusts vvhich she declares to the end that she may make them be vnderstood to be Supernaturall This Discourse is very much to be noted 15. CHAP. She prosecutes her Discourse of the same matter and giues some aduise hovv persons are to carry themselues in this kind of Quiet Prayer She treates hovv many Soules come to ariue to this Degree of Prayer and that fevv passe beyond it The particulars vvhich are touched beer are not only very profitable but very necessary 16. CHAP. She treates of the Third Degree of Prayer and goes declareing some very high points and vvhat a Soule vvhich ariues thus farre may be able to doe and vvhat effects these so great Fauours of our Lord are accustomed to vvorke The sense heerof is very fitt to raise the Spirit high in the praises of Almighty God and it is also of great consolation for the Soule vvhich ariues to this State 17. CHAP. She prosecutes the same Argument about this Third Degree of Prayer and finishes the declaration of the Effects vvhich vvorkes and declares also the disaduantage vvhich the Memory and Imagination are vvont to bring in this case 18. CHAP. She treates of the Fourth Degree of Prayer She beginnes heer to declare in excellent manner the great dignity to vvhich our Lord aduances that Soule vvhich is exalted to this State It serues to animate men much to endeauour that they may ariue to so high a condition since it may be obtained in this vvorld through the goodnes of our Lord though it cannot be deserued Let this be read vvith consideration and care 19. CHAP. She prosecutes the same Discourse and beginns to declare the effects vvhich this degree of Prayer vvorkes in the Soule She persvvades men earnestly not to turne back nor to giue-ouer their Prayer though they should happen to fall euen after they had receiued these Fauours She speakes of the great harme vvhich vvill ariue to them if they doe othervvise This Discourse is much to be noted and it is of great consolation for vveake persons and Sinners 20. CHAP. She treates of the difference betvveen Vnion and Rapt and declares vvhat kind of thing a Rapt is She speakes also of the blessing vvhich that Soule hath vvhich our Lord through his goodnes brings thither and of the effects vvhich Rapts vse to produce This Discourse is of much admiration 21. CHAP. She prosecutes and finishes this last Degree of Prayer She declares vvhat the Soule findes therein vvhen she returnes to liue againe in the vvorld and the light also vvhich our Lord giues concerning the deceipts and errours of the same vvorld This Chapter deliuers excellent Doctrine 22. CHAP. She treats of hovv secure a vvay it is for persons vvho giue themselues to Contemplation not to raise-vp their Spirit to high things vnlesse our Lord raise them vp and that the Humanity of Christ our Lord is indeed to be the meanes tovvards the highest Contemplation of all others She speakes also of an errour vvherein once she vvas This Chapter containes matter of much profit 23. CHAP. She returnes to declare the course of her Life and hovv she first beganne to thinke of grovving to greater perfection and by vvhat meanes she did it This Chapter is very profitable for such as are to gouerne Soules in order to Prayer and to make them knovv hovv they are to behaue themselues in their beginnings and of the benefit she reaped by knovving it her selfe 24. CHAP. She prosecutes the former Discourse and shevves hovv her Soule vvent profiting vvhen once she