RAM-ALLEY Or Merrie-Trickes A COMEDY Diuers times here-to-fore acted By the Children of the Kings Reuels Written by Lo Barrey AT LONDON Printed by G. Eld for Robert Wilson and are to be sold at his shop in Holborne at the new gate of Grayes Inne 1611 The Prologue HOme-bred mirth our Muse doth sing The Satyres tooth and Waspish sting Which most do hurt when least suspected By this Play are not affected But if Conceit with quick-turn'd Sceanes Obseruing all those ancient streames Which from the Horse-foot fount do flow As Time Place Person and to show Things neuer done with that true life That thoughts and wits shall stand at strife Whether the things now shewne be true Or whether wee our selues now do The things wee but present if these Free from the loathsome stage disease So ouer-worne so tirde and stale Not Satyring but to raile May win your fauours and inherit But calme acceptance for his merit A vowes by Paper Pen and Inke And by the learned Sisters drinke To spend his Time his Lamps his Oyle And neuer cease his braine to toyle Till from the silent houres of night Hee doth produce for your delight Conceits so new so harmlesse free That Puritanes them-selues may see A Play yet not in publique Preach That Players such lewd doctrine teach That their pure ioynts do quake and tremble VVhen they doe see a man resemble The Picture of a Villaine This As hee a friend to Muses is To you by mee a giues his word Is all his Play doth now affoord FINIS Actorum nomina Sir Oliuer Smale-shankes Iustice Tutchin Thomas Smale-shankes William Smalshankes Boutcher Lieftenant Beard Throte Captaine Face Dash Three Gentlemen A Drawer Constable and Officers Women Lady Sommerfield Constantia Somerfield Francis Taffata Adriana Chamber-maide Ramme-Alley Actus 1. Scaena 1 Enter Constantia sola with a letter in her hand Const. IN this disguise ere scarce my mourning robes Could haue a generall note I haue forsooke My shape my mother and those ritch demeanes Of which I am sole heyre and now resolue In this disguise of Page to follow him Whose loue first caused me to assume this shape Lord how my feminine bloud stirs at the sight Of these same breeches me thinkes this cod-peece Should betray mee well I will trye the worst Hether they say hee vsually doth come Whom I so much affect what makes he heere In the skirts of Holborne so neere the field And at a garden house a has some punke Vpon my life no more heere hee comes Enter Boutcher God saue you sir your name vnlesse I erre Is maister Thomas Boutcher Bou. 'T is sweet boy Con. deliuers the lett Con. I haue a letter for you Bou. From whom i st Con. The inside sir will tell you I shall see he reads it What loue he beares me now Bou. Th' art welcome boy How does the faire Constantia Somerfield My noble mistresse Con. I left her in health Bou. Shee giues thee heere good words and for her sake Thou shalt not want a maister be mine for euer Con. I thanke you sir now shall I see the Punke he knocks Enter William Small-shanke W. Sm. Who knocks so fast I thought 't was you what news Bout You know my businesse well I sing one song W. Sm. Foot what would you haue me do my land is gon My credit of lesse trust then Courtiers words To men of iudgment and for my debts I might deserue a Knight-hood what 's to be done The Knight my father will not once vouchsafe To call me sonne That little land a gaue Throte the Lawyer swallowed at one gob For lesse then halfe the worth and for the Citty There be so many rascals and tall yeomen Would hang vpon me for their maintenance Should I but peepe or step within the gates That I am forst onely to ease my charge To liue here in the suburbes or in the towne To walke in Tenebris I tell you sir Your best retierd life is an honest Punke In a thatcht house with Garlike tell not mee My Punk 's my Punke and noble Letchery Sticks by a man when all his friends forsake him Bou. The Poxe it will art thou so sencelesse growne So much indeared to thy bestiall lust That thy originall worth should lye extinct And buried in thy shame farre be such thoughts From spirits free and noble begin to liue Know thy selfe and whence thou art deriu'd I know that competent state thy father gaue Cannot be yet consum'd W.S. 'T is gon by Heauen Not a denier is left Bou. 'T is impossible W.S. Impossible zart I haue had two suckers Able to spend the wealthy Craesus store Enter Francis Bou. What are they W.S. Why a Lawyer and a Whore See heere comes one doost thinke this petti-coate A perfum'd smock and twice a weeke a bathe Can be maintain'd with halfe a yeares reuenews No by Heauen wee Annuall yonger brothers Must go to 't by hole-sale by hole-sale man These creatures are maintaind her very face Has cost a hundred pound Fra. Sir thanke your selfe Con. They keepe this whore betwixt them Fra. You know sir I did inioy a quiet country life Spotlesse and free till you corrupted mee And brought me to the Court I neuer knew What sleeking glazing or what pressing meant Till you preferd me to your Aunt the Lady I knew no Iuorie teeth no caps of heire No Mercury water fucas or perfumes To helpe a Ladies breath vntill your Aunt Learnt me the common trick W.S. The common trick Say you a poxe vpon such common tricks They will vndoe vs all Bou. And knowing this Art thou so wilfull blind still to persist In ruine and defame W.S. What should I doe I 'aue past my word to keepe this Gentlewoman Till I can place her to her owne content And what is a Gentleman but his word Bou. Why let her goe to seruice W S. To seruice Why so shee does she is my Landeresse And by this light no punie Inne a Court But keepes a Landresse at his command To doe him seruice and shall not I ha Fra. Sir you are his friend I loue him to Propound a course which may aduantage him And you shall finde such reall worth in me That rather then I le liue his hindrance I will assume the most penurious state The Citty yeelds to giue me meanes of life W. S Why ther 's it you heare her what she sayes Would not he be damn'd that should forsake her Sayes she not well can you propound a course To get my forfit land from yonder roague Parcell Lawyer parcell Deuill all Knaue Thrate throate Bou. Not I W.S. Why so I thought as much You are like our Cittizens to men in need Which cry 't is pitty a propper Gentleman Should want mony yet not an vsuring slaue VVill lend him a denier to helpe his wants Will you lend mee forty shillings Bou. I will W.S. VVhy God-amercy there 's some goodnesse in thee You le not repent Bou. I will not
supplants thee and I supplanted him Come come you shall be friends come forgiue her For by this light there is no remedy Vnlesse you will betake you to my leauings Con, Rather then so I le helpe you to a wife Ritch well borne and by some accounted fayre And for the worth of her Virginity I dare presume to pawne my honesty VVhat say you to Constantia Somerfield W. Do'st know where she is boy Con. I do nay more If he but sweare to imbrace her constant loue I le fetch her to this place W. A shall do it boy Enter Sir Oliuer and Fiddlers A shall do it goe fetch her boy foote my father Stand too 't now old wench stand too 't now S. Ol. Now fresh and youthfull as the month of May I le bid my Bryde good morrow Musitions on Lightly lightly and by my knighthoods spurre This yeere you shall haue my protection And yet not buy your liuery coates your selues God morrow Bride fresh fresh as the month of May I come to kisse thee on thy wedding day W. Sauing your tale sir I le shew you how Aprill showers spring May flowers So merrily singes the Cucko The truth is I haue laide my knife abord The widdow sir is wedded S. Ol. Ha W. Bedded S. Ol. ha W. Why my good father what should you do with a wife Would you be crested will you needs thrust your head In on of Vulcans Helmets will you perforce Weare a Citty cappe and a Court feather S. Ol. Villaine slaue thou hast wrong'd my wife VV. S not so Speake my good wench haue I not done thee right Taf. I finde no fault and I protest Sir Oliuer I 'd not haue lost the last two houres sleepe I had by him for all the wealth you haue S. Ol. Villaine slaue I le hang thee by the statute Thou hast two wiues W.S. Be not so furious sir I haue but this the other was my whore Which now is married to an honest Lawyer S. Ol. Thou villaine slaue thou hast abus'd thy father Bou. Your sonne ifaith your very sonne ifaith The villaine boy has one trick of his sire Has firkt away the wench has pierst the hogshead And knowes by this the vintadge S. Ol. I am vndone Bou. You could not loue the widdow but her wealth S. Ol. The deuill take my soule but I did loue her Taf, That oath doth shew you are a Northen Knight And of all men aliue I le neuer trust A Northen man in loue S. Ol. And why and why slut Taf. Because the first word he speakes is the Diuell Take his soule and who will giue him trust That once has giuen his soule vnto the Diueil W.S. Shee sayes most true father the soule once gon The best part of a man is gone Taf. And ifaith If the best part of a man be once gone The rest of the body is not worth a rush Though it be nere so handsome Enter La Somerfield Throte Beard bound Iu. Tutch La. S. Bring them away W. How now My Lawyer pinion'd I begin to stinke Already La. S. Cheater my daughter W.S. Shee 's mad Thr. My wife sir my wife W.S. They 're mad starke mad I am sorry sir you haue lost those happy wits By which you liu'd so well The ayre growes cold Therefore I le take my leaue La. So. Stay him officers Sir 't is not your trickes of wit can carry it Officers attache him and this Gentleman For stealing away my heire W.S. You do me wrong Zart I neuer saw your heire Thr. That 's a lye You stole her and by chance I married her W, S. God giue you ioy sir Thr. Aske the Butler else Therefore widdow release me for by no law Statute or booke case of Vicesimo Edwardi Secundi nor by the Statute Of Tricesimo Henrici sexti Nor by any booke case of decimo Of the late Queene am I accessarie Part or party confederate a better Helper seconder perswader forwarder Principall or maintainer of this late theft But by law I forward and shee willing Clapt vp the match and by a good Statute Of Decimo tertio Richardi quarti She is my leefull lawfull and my true Married wife teste Liftenant Beard W. Who liues would thinke that you could prate so fast Your hands being bound behind you foote a talkes With as much ease as if a were in 's shirt S. Ol. I am witnesse thou hadst the heire I. Tu. So am I Thr. And so is my man Dash Bou. Heere me but speake Sit you as Iudges vndoe the Lawyers hands That a may freely act and I le be bound That William Smalshanke shall put your Throte to silence And ouer-throw him at his owne weapon I. Tu. Agreed take each his place and heere the case Argued betwixt them two Om. Agreed agreed I. Tu. Now Throte or neuer stretch your selfe Thr. Feare not W.S. Heere stand I for my client this Gentleman Thr. I for the widdow W. Begin Thr. Right worshipfull I say that William Small-shanke mad-man Is by a Statute made in Octauo Of Richard Cordelion guilty to the law Of fellony for stealing this Ladies heire That a stole her the proofe is most pregnant He brought her to my house confest himselfe A made great meanes to steale her I likt her And finding him a nouice truth to tell Married her my selfe and as I said By a Statute Richardi Quarti Shee is my lawfull wife W.S. For my client I say the wench brought vnto your house Since all our friends so happily are met Here will I choose a husband this be the man Whom since I left your house in shape of Page I still haue followed W. S Foot would I had knowne so much I would haue beene bold to haue laine with your page Con. Say am I welcome Bou. As is my life and soule La. S. Heauen giue you ioy Since all so well succeeds take my consent W.S. Then are we all pair'd I and my lasse You and your wife the lawyer and his wench And father fall you aborde of the widdow But then my brother T.S. Faith I am a foole W.S. That 's all one If God had not made Some elder-brothers fooles how should witty Yonger brothers be maintain'd Strike vp Musick le ts haue an old song Since all my tricks haue found so good successe Wee le sing dance dice and drinke downe heauinesse FINIS Epilogus THus two houres haue brought to end What many tedious houres haue pend A dares not glory nor distrust But he as other writers must Submits the censures of his paines To those whose wit and nimble braines Are able best to iudge and as for some Who fild with malice hether come To belch their poyson on his labour Of them he doth intreate no fauour But bids them hang or soone amend For worth shall still it selfe defend And for our selues wee doe desire You le breath on vs that growing fire By which in time wee may attaine Like fauours which some others gaine For bee assur'd our loues shall tend To equall theirs if not transcend FINIS