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A24140 The Academy of pleasure furnished with all kinds of complementall letters, discourses and dialogues : with variety of new songs, sonets and witty inventions : teaching all sorts of men, maids, widows, &c. to speak and write wittily and to bear themselves gracefully for the attaining of their desired ends : how to discourse and demean themselves at feasts and marry-meetings at home and abroad in the company of friends or strangers : how to retort, quibble, jest or joke and to return an ingenious answer upon any occision whatsoever : also a dictionary of all the hard English words expounded : with a poeticall dictionary : with other concests very pleaiant and delightfull, never before extant. 1656 (1656) Wing A159; ESTC R18095 45,386 144

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your friend purchase a little fire to thaw his appetite by but must you that have been daily sing'd in the flame be as greedy to beguile him of it how can this appear other than a piece of malice if I indure this you may eare bore me for your slave but you shal find my temper not so tam● as perhaps you imagine for since you neither savour of good breeding nor bringing up I am resolved to slice your hamstrings but I will make you show mannerly my fire is not so hot that I need a screen before it 't is but newly kindled yet if it were risen to a flame I should not suffer my best friend to stand before me You are an intelligent man and I need say no more but that I am If you 〈◊〉 fie Your true Friend The Answer SIR I Am sorry that you will needs ingrosse Hell to your self Heaven forbid that you should not suffer a stranger to come in the Devil himselfe is not so unmannerly You thinke now that I will beg an office there before you and keep you out Now God forgive you for your huge mistake I am none of those guilded flies that will light upon such strange flesh I may use Courtship or so but dare not thrust my hand into another mans fire I have no minde to surfeit away my name and state in swinish riots sleep away my youth and awake a grey-bearded Beggar Take your Toy to your self Sir never doubt that I shall attempt to supplant you not but that if I had a will I durst stand your fury were you armed with thunder and could manage an Oake like a Bull-rush Thus Sir I hope I have given you a plenary satisfaction as to your Scolopendra you shall finde me upon all scores at your own appointment either for sincere friendship or utter enmity And alwaies c. A short Courtship A Dialogue between two Lovers She TRuly Sir you think your self much a Master of my modesty you would never give me such continuall cause to blush else I could finde courage I am confident to chide you for it but that I would not administer any cause that might justifie your departure from me Where I have hope my prayers and innocence shall detain you till the full consummation of our loves He. I Confesse I have more of Mars than Minerva in me I never suckt the ayre of France and therefore you must not expect fine language from me yet I can tell you with truth for warrant that he that hopes for better felicity in the other world than what I injoy in your blest society must fast pray and live very severely to attain it She Sir I perceive that you willingly mistake you make me proud with your similitude but whilst that I gain by it your inference is at a losse but this is because you know you have as great a priviledge to injure me as to abuse your self He. Shall I be heard then when I speak and be listned unto chearfully that so I may recover my sick hopes by degrees She I know you cannot lose your virtue Sir and then you may assure your selfe my courtesies will never fail if I should promise you more your selfe would deem me too p●●digall of that which in noblenesse you cannot rec●ive SONG VII The forsaken Lover Tune is Frankin 〈◊〉 ●●ed away 1. SInce then thy vowes false Mayd Are blown to ayre And my poor heart betray'd to sad despaire Within some wildernesse I will my griefs exp●●sse And thy false-heartednesse On cruell faire 2. Have I not grav'd thy love On ev●● tree In yonder verdant Grove Though false to me Was not a solemn oath Plighted betw●xt us both Thou thy faith and I my troth Reall to be 3. Some gloomie Nooke I le finde Some balefull Glade Where neither ●u● nor Winde Ere entrance made There will I curse that Fate Gave me so false a Mate Then thou'l● repent too late D●s●oyall Mayd 4. Wilde fruits I le make my meat And drink the spring The earth shall be my seat For covering I le have the Scarry-skie My corps to cancpie Till my soule from me flie To heavens King 5. No Grave doe I desire Or Obsequies No Groans or Funerall fire No warry eyes The courteous Red-brest ●e With leaves will cover me And sing my ●legie In Ru●hfull wise 6. But when I soul-lesse am I le visit thee Thou most obdurate Dame Whose cruelty Has slain the truest heart Ere pierc'd by Cupids dart Not Death my love shall part Nor Destiny A Letter from one crafty Citizen to another concerning a fine busin●sse Mr. L. I Have a taske worthy the pregnancy of your spirit an exercise for your pointed wits wondrous in a Citizen to worke upon give me a man that even out of his recreations can cull advantages that dives into seasons and never walkes but thinks of something tending to his profit know then I but lately made a journey into Sussex where I perused a fair Lordship belonging to one Mr. G. his Father but newly dead and himselfe now in Town and come on purpose hither to learn the fashions of London he is already become acquainted with some Hectors of note resorts to Gaming aswell as Bawdy-Houses this young N●vice lately bought some cloath of me and my Wife being in the shop he tooke an occasion to court her and finding as I had strictly injoyned her that he was not scorned but rather courted both by her self and me he every day visits my house and I thinke will one day drown us all with good Sherry in reward whereof I am resolved to murther his Estate and sti●●● his Right there are means and wayes enough to hook in such Gentry you shall come acquainted with him and while he is busie about my Wife I will be as busie about his Lands To be a Cuckold is but for one life When Land remains to me my Heir● or Wife I will ingratiate you into his company take sure notice of him he is fresh and free shift your selfe speedily int●●he shape of a Gallant I le swell your purse with Angels keep foot by foot with him outdare his expences flatter Dice and Brothell to him give him a sweet tast of sensuality train him to every wastfull sinne that he may quickly need health but especially money Ravish him with a Dame or two be his Bawd for once I will be your● forever Come to me anon in the Evening when we will conferre together about this weighty businesse till when and ever Yours all over c. Exquisite Nonsense LIke to a Church with thirty Chimneys in 't Or like the entrails of a Cabbage Min● Or like a Childe born both with Teeth and Beard Or like the green-blew Garter of a Lord Or like a Mayd with Childe that nere knew Man Or like the dancing of a Dripping-pan Or like a Man that Sings without a Tongue Or like two Adamants together clung Such such is he that never had a
but the more you break Bonds the more they leap in your face and therefore to conclude I would never undertake to be Gossip to that Bond which I would not see well brought up For 't is a truth come better dayes or worse So many Bonds ab●oad so many Boys at nurse Therefore sweet friend excuse me any thing but this a small summe either to lend or give you is at your service but this I neither can nor dare so wishing you all felicity I assure you that I am Yours unfeignedly SONG X. The conceited Lover Tune is Honours but Ayre c. vulgarly New the Tyrant has stollen c 1. COme my Clarissa Why art thou so shie Why hast thou that face That foot and that thigh But to doe as thy Mother When she willingly lay While thy Father did discover Loves beaten road way 2. That beauty by Nature Was never ordain'd To be g●z'd at with wonder Bag to be obtain'd A p●x of the feeble Platonicall way Which none that were able Did ever obey 3. To fit and to simper Like soap-suds in sooth Does argue nor wisdome Nor beauty nor youth To kisse the fair forehead And sometimes the cheek To me is most horrid That would doe and not speak 4. I love to couple The genuine way When both parties are supple Loves Rites to obey Thus Babies are gotten With pleasure and ease To live when we are rotten But not with a disease 5. Great Plato like Gato Kept a plump brown Wench For he lov'd a Belly Aswell as a Tench In the high street at Athens By Diana's Temple The old Sage sung Loves Mattens And wrore Verses for sample 6. And Diogenes selfe That fasted so much Was an old pockey Elfe And of the French had a touch His life was severe For he took the Diet In that very x Tub where On his Roots he did Riot 7. Then hang up the nicenesse Of grey bearded fools The Tenents that we own Were not known to the Schools Let the sowre men drink Whig While we tipple N●ctar And dance the Paphian Jig To a rare Curtain-Lecture 8. Come then let 's dally And daintily doe Though Routed we will Rally In spight of the Foe And charge with joynt motion Though not without losse Cupid's pleas'd with such a portion While the blankets we tosse 9. He that 's still saying Grace And nere falls to the meat Is at best but an Asse And deserves not to eat But were he as eager After warm meat as I He 'd not lie so long Leager Till his conscience cry Fie 10. Then clip me Cla●issa While I thee intwine We 'l be incorporated Without Church-discipline And vouch our Reality Spotlesse and faire To any man of quality Except my Lord Mayor A Letter of Complement to a Mayd or Widow the Lover excusing himselfe that he met not according to promise c. Dear Mistresse HAd I not a hope that your immaculate candour can whiten the swarthiest crime I should chuse rather to sacrifice my life to incessant sorrow and consequently to inevitable death than adde to my guilt by apollogizing for a sin that can not be remitted by Loves Bow and Quiver by Venus Shrine nay by your faire selfe from whose bright eyes the blinde God fetches his Paphian fire and whose sacred bosome is the true Temple of divine Love I could not though I indeavoured it with the hazard of my life meet you according to promise some lucklesse Planet without doubt had governance over that ominous day I confesse it were but justice to cast me off as a thing me worthy your future notice who have contemned though not wilfully such a happinesse as Kings could have been proud to purchase with the price of their Diadems you may doom me to death I have deserved it and am so clogg'd with guilt that I have scarce confidence enough to beg your pardon if any penance might expiate this black oversight I should think you more than courteous in appointing me to Row upon the Thames for twelve Moneths or to personate Iack Pudding upon the Ropes the whole term of time that makes up a Bartholomew-Fair so that were I so much a Brute as History makes Brutus to be I should undoubtedly signe my owne Passe for the other World Determine of me dear Lady out of hand it is some happinesse though a killing one that the Malefactor is sensible of the worst that can happen Thus begging your speedy Reply I humbly take my leave and remain Your afflicted but affectionate Servant Her Answer Sir YOu doe very aptly imitate those Children who having tyed strings about the legges of their Birds sometimes suffer them to gain liberty to a great distance but when they please twitch them home againe there is no dallying with Loves Tools his Arrows are sharply pointed and apt to wound a wanton hand can you think me so shallow to conceit that all the businesse in the world should have blockt up your way to one you affected with a cordiall regard and what fine Powers you call to witnesse with you that this Traditiae could not be vaded a blinde Boyes Bow a blunt Dart and a leaden Shrine Well Sir you know what command you have ●ver me and that a slender excuse will serve where the injury is pardoned ere committed all the penance I shall impose is this that you afford me a visit at my Mansion to morrow in the morning about the houre of ten where you shall finde Your faithfull Friend A complementall Dialogue betwixt a Shop-keeper and a Scholler Scholler Are you busie Sir Shop-keeper Never Sir to you nor any of your Goat 〈◊〉 confesse I was but a dull slave before I conversed with Schollers not worthy to tread upon the earth before I fell in love with learning and what fresh hopes it has put into me I doe intend shortly to biggar all the bawdy Writers especially him that wrote the Mock Poems of Hero and Leander nay I will build at my own charge an Hospitall to which shall retire all diseased Opinions and all halting Poets as the venerable Humphrey Crowch Laurence Price and Sam. Smithson Scholler Sir ye are a man made up of ingenuity very charitable more piously inclined than Sir Paul Piodar you are a true pattern for the City Sir Shop-keeper Sir I have been informed by Revelation without the belp of Arise Evans that their shop-Books cannot save them Scholler O Sir much may be done by Manuscript there is a kinde of Spell in bad paper watrish inke and worse sense Shop-keeper The Muses favour me as my intents are vertues will ye be my Tutour Sir I have read Greens Groats worth of Wit the Spanish Rogue the Authentick History of Amadis de Gaule and Tullies Love written by the Master of Art Scholler You are excellently well read Sir you are my friend and a friend to all that professe good Letters Shop-keeper Sir you are very honest and yet you have a kinde of modest