he shall be none of the Jury For you Mr. Surgeon the Statutes of England exempt you from being of any Quest and beside alas I seldom fall into your hands as being quiet and making no brawles to have wounds or sores neither do I frequent Whorehouses to catch the Marbles and so to grow your Patient I know you not and therefore I appeal to the Statute you shall have nothing to do with this matter And for you Mr. Apothecary alas I look not once in seven year into your Shop without it be to buy a pennyworth of wormseed to give my child to drink or a little Treacle to drive out the Measles or perhaps some dregs or powders to make my sick horse a drench withal but for my self if I be ill at ease I take Kitchin Phisick I make my Wife my Doctor and my Garden my Apothecaries Shop whereas the Town Fops cannot have a Fart awry but he must have his Purgations Pills and Glisters or evacuate by Electuaries he must if the least spot of Morphew come on his face have his Oyl of Tartar his Lac Virginis his Camphire dissolved in Verjuice to make the Fool as fair forsooth as if he were to play Maid-Marian in a May-game or Morrice-dance tush he cannot digest his Meat without Conserves nor end his Meal without Suckats if Sir Iohn hap to have a stinking Breath then forsooth the Apothecary must play the Perfumer to make it sweet nay what is it about him that blameth not Nature for framing and formeth it anew by Art And in all this who but Monsieur the Apothecary threfore pray Sir quoth the Jury let those three as partial companions be packing The next desired for a Jury-man was a Lawyer by Sâ— Dunstans Church Assoon as these were pack'd off there comes stalking down from a neighbouring Grove an ancient grave Sir in a black Velvet Coat and a black Cloth Gown welted and faced and after him as he supposed four Servingman the most ill-favoured Knaves he thought as ever he saw one of them had on a Buff-leather Jerkin all greasie before with the droppings of Beer that fell from his Beard and by his side a Skein like a Brewers Bung-knife and muffled he was in a Cloak turn'd over his Nose as though he had been ashamed to shew his Face The second had a Belly like a Bucking-tub and a thredbare black coat unbuttoned before upon the Breast whereon the Map of Drunkenness was drawn with the bawdy and bowsie â—xcrements that dropt from his filthy leaking mouth The third was a long lean old slavering slangril with a Brazil staff in one hand and a whipcord in the other so purblind that he had like to have stumbled upon the company before he saw them The fourth was a 〈◊〉 Chaff with a sowr look in a black 〈◊〉 faced with Taffata and by his side a gâ—eat side Pouch like a Falkoner For their Faces all four seemed to be Brethren they were so bumbasted with the flocks of strong Beer and lined with the Lees of old Sack that they look'd like four blown Bladders painted over with red Oker or wash'd over with the Suds of an old stale Die All these as well the Master as the following Mates would have past away but that he stept before them and enquired first of the foremost what he was Marry quoth lie a Lawyer Then Sir quoth he we have a Matter in controversâ—ie that requires Counsel and you are the more welcom Marry said he I am to be Tried for my Life and I would have you of my Jury At this the Lawyer smiled but said nothing he marvelled he was not so well as the Surgeon exempted by an Act of Parliament from being of any Quest since as the Surgeon was without pity so he was without conscience But presently Mr. Attorney stepped in and made his Challenge saying the Lawyer was never friend to Honesty for when Lowliness Neighborhood and Hospitality lived in England Westâ—inster-Hall was a Dining-Chamber not a Den of Controversies when the Duke Earl Lord Knight Gentleman and Esquire aimed at Virtue not Pride and wore such Breeches as was spun in his house then the Lawyer was a simple man and in the highest degree was but a bare Scrivener except Judges of the Land which took in hand serious matters as Treasons Murders Felonies and such Capital Offences but seldom were there any Pleas put in before the proud Lawyer for his Maintenance invented strange Controversies and since he began to domineer in England he hath buz'd such a proud busie covetous and encroaching humor upon every mans Head that Lawyers are grown to be one of the chief Limbs of the Common-wealth for they do now adays de lana cana caprina rixari go to Law if a Hen do but scrape in a Neighbours Orchard but howsoever Right be Might carries away the Verdict If a poor man sue a Gentleman why he shoots up to the Sky and the Arrow falls on his own head howsoever the Cause go the weakest is thrust to the wall Lawyers are troubled with the heat of the Liver which makes the palms of their hands so hot that they cannot be cool'd unless they be rubb'd with the Oyl of Angels but the poor man that gives but his bare Fee or perhaps pleads in forâ—â—a pauperis he hunteth for Hares with a Tabor and gropeth in the dark to find a Needle in a Bottle of Hay tush these Lawyers have such delatory and foreign Pleas such Dormers such Quibs and Quiddits that beggaring their Clients thye purchase to themselves whole Lordships it booteth not men to discourse their little Conscience great Extortion only let this suffice they be not so rich as they be bad and yet they be not too wealthy I inveigh not against Law nor honest Lawyers for there be some well qualified but against extorting Ambodexters that wring the poor and because I know not whether this be such an one or no I challenge him he shall not be of the Jury Why then quoth Sir Iohn his Worship may depart A Sergeant desired on the Iury Sir Iohn questioned what he in the Buff-Jerkin was Marry quoth he I am a Sergeanâ— Sir Iohn He had no sooner said so but Sir Iohn leap'd back and drawing his Rapier he did not only challenge him for his Jury but protested if he strid one foot toward him he would make him eat a piece of his Poâ—â—ard And what is the reason quoth he that there is such mortal hatred betwixt you and the Sergeant O Sir quoth the Judge search him and I warrant you the Knave hath Precept upon on Precept to arrest me hath worn his Mace smooth with only clapping it on my Shoulder he hath had me under Coram so often Oh the Reprobate is the Usurers Executioner to bring such honest Gentlemen to Limbo Sir Iohn as he hath over-thrown with his base Brocage and bad Commodities and as you see him a fat Knave with a foggy face
wherein a Cup of old Sack hath set a Seal to mark the bowsie Drunkard to die of the Dropsie so his Conscience is consumed and his Heart robb'd of all remorse and pity that for Money he will betray his own Father for will a Cormorant but set him to arrest a young Gentleman the Rake-hell will be so eager to catch him as a Dog to take a Bear by the ears in Paris Garden and when he hath laid hold upon him he useth him as courteously as a Butchers Cur would do an Oxe-cheek when he is hungry if he see the Gentleman hath Money in his Purse then straight with a Cap and Knee he carries him to the Tavern and bids him send for some of his Friends to Bail him but first he Covenants to have some brace of Angels for his pains and besides he calls in for Wine greedily But suppose the Gentleman wants Pence he will either have a Pawn or else drag him to the Counter without respect of Manhood or Honesty I should spend the whole day with displaying his villanies therefore briefly let this suffice he was never made for any goodness but his slovenly carcass was fram'd by the Devil of the rotten Carrion of a Wolf and his Soul of an Usurers damn'd Ghost turn'd out of Hell into his Body to do monstrous wickedness upon the Earth so that he shall be none of the Jury neither shall he come nearer than the length of my Rapier will suffer him Indeed quoth Sir Iohn generally Sergeants be bad but there be amongst them some honest men that will do their duties with lawful favour for to say truth if Sergeants were not how should men come by their Debts Marry they are so cruel in their Office that if they arrest a poor man they will not suffer him if he hath not Money to stay a quarter of an hour to talk with his Creditor although perhaps at the meeting they might take Composition but only to the Counter with him unless he will lay his Pewter Brass Coverlets Sheets or such Houshold stuff to them for pawn of payment of some Coyn for their staying therefore let him depart out of the place for his Room is better than his Company to me because of a late Prank I played A Sumner a Iaylor an Informer appear for Iury-men for Sir John After this three other men offered their Service to Sir Iohn the one said he was a Sumner the other a Gaoler and the third an Informer Bâ—ess me quoth the Judge what a Gang is here gathered together no doubt Hell is broke loose and the Devil means to keep Holiday I make Challenge against them all as against worse men than those that gave evidence against Christ for the Sumner it boots me to say little more against him than Chaucer did in his Câ—nteâ—bury Tales who said he was a Knave a Bâ—iber and a Bawd But leaving that Authority although it be authentical yet thus much I can say of my self that these drunken drowsie sons go a tooting abroad as they themselves term it which is to hear if any man hath got his Maid with Child or plays the Good-fellow with his Neighbours Wife if he find a hole in any mans Coat that is of wealth then he hath his peremptory Citation ready to cite him unto the Archdeacons or Officials Court there to appear and abide the shame and penalty of the Law the man perhaps in good credit with his Neighbors loth to bring his Name in question greaseth the Sumner in the Fist and then he wipes him out of his Book and suffers him to get twenty with Child so he keep him warm in the hand He hath a Saying to wanton Wives and they are his good Dames and as long as they feed him with Cheeâ—e Bacon Capons and such odd Reversions they are honest and be they â—ever so bad he swears to the Official Complaints are made upon Envy and the women are oâ— good Behaviour Tush what Bawdry is it he will not suffer so he may have Money and good Chear And if he like a Wench well a Snatch himself for they know all the Whores in a Country and are as lecherous Companions as may be To be brief the Sumner lives upon Sins of People and out of Harlotry gets he all his Gains As for the Gaoler although I have been little troubled in Prison to have experience of his Knavery yet have I heard the poor priâ—oners complain how cruel they be to them extorting with extraordinary Fees selling a double Curtal as they call it with a double Jugg of Beer for two-pence which contains not above a pint and a half Let a poor man be arrested into one of the Compters though he but set his foot in them but half an hour he shall be at almost an Angels Charge what with Garnish Crossing and Wiping out of the Book turning the Key Paying the Chamberlain seeing for his Jury and twenty such Extortions invented by themselves and not allowed by any Statute God bless me Gaoler from your Hen-houses I 'le assure you I 'le keep you from coming into the Quest. And as to you Master Informer you that look like a Civil Citizen or some handsom Pettifogger of the Law although your crimson Nose betrays you can sup a cool Cup of Sack without any chewing yet have you as much Knavery in your side-Pouch there as would breed the confusion of forty honest men It may be Sir Iohn that you marvel why I exclaim against the Informer since he highly pretends to do all he doth against honest men according to Law To wipe out this this Officer is one that abuses Law when he should use it and such a one I guess this Fellow to be by the Carnation Tincture of his Ruby-Nose Therefore let us search his Bag and see what Trash you shall find in it with that although the Informer were very loth yet we pluckt out the stuffing of his Pouch and in it was found a hundred and odd Writs whereat I wondred and Mr. Attorney smiling bad me read Labels and the Parties Names and then examine the Informer how many of them he knew and wherein they had offended I followed his Counsel and of all he knew but three neither could he tell what they had done amiss to be arrested and brought in question and yet this Varlet swore they deserved punishment But the Prisoner Sir Iohn Fraud seeing me stand in amaze began thus to resolve me in my doubt Perhaps quoth he you marvel why the Informer hath all these Writs and knows neither the parties nor can object any offence to them To this I answer that it being a long vacation he learned in the rowl all those mens names and the places where they live Now means he to go abroad and search them out and arrest them and though they know not wherein or for what cause they should be troubled yet rather than they will come up to London and spend their
his Testimony Then said Master Honesty Yes my Lord we know him his name is Hotspur he has been a very pestilent Fellow for many years in this Country Clerk You are sure you know him Honesty Know him Yes my Lord I have heretofore too often been in his company to be at this time ignorant of him He is a Tantivy Hot-spur the Son of a Tantivy Hot-spur I knew his Grandfather and his Father his Brethren and his Sisters Clerk Well said He standeth here indicted by the name of Hot-spur c. and is charged that he hath maintained and taught that there is no God and so no heed need be taken to any Religion What say you the Kings Witnesses to this is he guilty or not Honestly My Lord I and he were once in Villains-Lane together and he at that time did briskly talk of divers Opinions and then and there I heard him say That for his part he did believe that there was no God But said he I can profess one and be Religious too if the company I am in and the circumstances of other things said he shall put me upon it Clerk You are sure you heard him say thus Vouch-Truth Upon mine Oath I heard him say thus Then said the Clerk Mr. Vouch-Truth What say you to the Kings Iudges touching the Prisoner at the Bar Mr. Vouch-Truth giving in his Testimony Vouch-Truth My Lord I formerly was a great Companion of his for the which I now repent me and I have often heard him say and that with great stomachfulness that he believed there was neither God Angel nor Spirit Cler. Where did you hear him say so Vouch-Truth In Blackmouth-lane and Blasâ—hemers-row and in many other places besides in the Country of Vtopia Cler. Have you much knowledge of him Vouch-Truth I know him to be a Rascal the Son of a Rascal and an horrible Man to deny a Deity his Fathers Name was Never be good and he had more Children than this Hot-spur I have no more to say Clerk Mr. Hate-Rogue look upon the Prisoner at the Bar do you know him Hate-Rogue My Lord this Hot-spur is one of the vilest wretches that ever I came near or had to do with in my Life I have heard him say that there is no God I have heard him say that there is no World to come no Sin nor Punishment hereafter and moreover I have heard him say That 't was as good to go to a Whore-house as to go and hear a Sermon in a Meeting-house Cler. Where did you hear him say these things Hate-Rogue In Drunkards-row just at Rascal-Lanes-end at a house in which Mr. Imâ—iety lived Besides he doth Devillishly and Trayterously practice evil things and say filthy words He says it is lawful and profitable to a Man to give way to his Carnal desires and that for his part he never will deny himself of any sinful delight as long as his Name is Hot-sâ—ur Mr. Hotspur pleading on his Knees Then said Mr. Hot-spur being on his Knees My Lord I am a Man of high birth and have been used to a pleasures and pastimes of greatness I have not been wont to be snub'd for my doings but have been left to follow my will as if it were Law And it seems strange to me that I should this day be called into Question for that that not only I but many Men do either secretly or openly countenance Cler. Sir we concern not our selves with your greatness for the higher the better you should have been but we are concerned and so are you now about an Indictment preferred against you How say you are you guilty of it or not Hot-spur Not guilty Clerk Cryer call up more Witnesses to stand forth and give their Evidence Cryer Gentlemen you the rest of the Witnesses for the King come in and give in yout Evidence for Our Lord the King against the Prisoner at the Bar. Mr. Well-doe giving in his Testimony at the Bar. Clerk Come Mr. Well-doe look upon the Prisoner at the Bar do you know him Well-do Yes my Lord I know him Clerk What 's his Name Well-do His name is Hotspur he was the Son of one Beastly and his Mother bare him in Flesh-street she was one Evil-concupiscences Daughter I knew all the Generation of them Cler. Well said You have here heard his Indictment what say you to it is he guilty of those things charged against him or no Well-do My Lord he has as he saith been a great man indeed and greater in Wickedness than by Pedigree more than a thousand-fold Cler. But what do you know of his particular Actions and especially with reference to his Indictment Well-do I know him to be a Swearer a Lyer a Sabbath-breaker I know him to be a Fornicator and an unclean Person I know him to be guilty of abundance of Evils He has been to my knowledge a very filthy man Cler. But where did he use to commit his wickedness in some private corners or was he more open and shameless Well-do All the Town over my Lord. Cler. Come Mr. Good-deed what have you to say for our Lord the King against the Prisoner at the Bar Good-deed My Lord all that the first Witness has said I know to be true and a great deal more besides Cler. Mr. Hot-spur do you hear what these three other Gentlemen say Hot-spur I was ever of Opinion that the happiest life that a man could live on earth was to keep himself from nothing that he desired in the World and Idefie them all Several Constables rush in to rescue Mr. Hot-spur As soon as he had said so he calls several other Constables for his rescue perceving it would go ill on his side but they were kept out o' th' Court. Court Then said the Court There hath proceeded enough from his own mouth to lay him open to condemnation wherefore set him by Jayler and set Mr. Envy-good the chief Informer in this Country to the 〈◊〉 Envy-good set to the Bar. Cler. Mr. Envy-good Thou art here Indicted by the name of Mr. Envy-good an Informer in Utopia for that thou doest wickedly illegaly and unseasonably disturb all good men where they live and dost instigate others to do the same and wilt sooner inform against a good Preacher than a Bawdy-house a Drunkad or a Swearer Then said Envy-good I am guilty of no such thing what I do I do out of Conscience Court Then said the Court the man as you see is incorrigible he is for maintaining his Villanies by stoutnes of words and his Rebellion with impudent confidence Then said Envy-good Gentlemen and at this time my Judges as to the Indictment by which I stand of several Crimes accused before you pray attribute my Crimes to mine Age and not to my wilfulness to the craziness of my Brain and not to the carelessness of my Mind and then I hope I may by your charity be excused from great punishment though I be guilty Then said the Court Thy
Money he thinks they will bestow some odd Angel upon Mr. Informer and so sit at home in quiet But suppose some be so stubborn as to stand to the Tryal yet can this cunning Knavâ— declare a Tanquam against them so that though they be cleared yet can they have no recompence at all for that he doth it in the Courts behalf I will not unfold all his Villanies but he is an Abuser of good Laws and a very knave and so let him pack away with his Fellows A Collier and a Ropemaker As they were going Sir Iohn saw two in the Valley together by the ears the one in Leather the other as black as the Devil he stept to them to part the fray and questioned what they were aad wherefore they brawled Marry quoth he that lookt like Lucifer though I am black I am not the Devil but indeed a Collier of Croyden and one Sir that have â—old many a man a false sack of Coals that both wanted measure aud was half full of dust and dross Indeed I have been a Lieger in my time in London and have played many mad pranks for which cause you may apparently see I am made a curtal for the Pillory in the sight of a great many good and sufficient Witnesses hath eaten off both mine ears and now Sir this Ropemaker the other that was with him hunteth me here with his halters I guess him to be some evil Spirit that in the likeness of a man would since I have past the Pillory perswade me to hang my self for my old offences and therefore I lay about his shoulders with a Crab-tree Cudgel that he may get out of my Company The Ropemaker replyed that honestly journeying by the way he acquainted himself with the Collyer accidentally but I my self am an honest Man How quoth the Collier can he be honest whose Mother I guess was a Witch For I have heard them say that Witches say their Prayers backward and so doth the Ropemaker earn his living by going backward and the Knaves chief Living is by making fatal Instruments as Halters and Ropes which divers desperate men hang themselves with so immediately Sir Iohn asked them if they would be of his Jury The Judge answered and said in the Ropemaker he found no great Falshood therefore he was willing he should be one but for the Collier he thought it necessary that as he came so he should depart so then Sir Iohn bade the Ropemaker stand by till more came which was not long for there came three in a Cluster The Cheats used by the Tanners Shoemakers and Curriers As soon as they drew nigh he spyed one a fat Churle with a side Russet Coat to his knee and his hands all so tanned with shifting his Ouse yet would he not take notice what they were but questioned with them of their several occupations Marry quoth the first I am a Tanner the second a Shoemaker and the third a Currier then turning to the Court he asked them if they would allow of those parties No quoth the Attorney General I make challenge unto them all and I will yield reasons of import against them The Cheats used by the TANNERS And first to you Mr. Tanner Are you a man worthy to be of a Jury when your Conscience cares not to wrong the whole Common-wealth you respect not publick commodity but private gains not to benefit your Neighbour but for to make the proud Princox your Son an upstart Gentleman and because you would marry your Daughter at the least to an Esquire that she may if it be possible be a Gentlewoman and how comes this to pass By your Tanfats forsooth For whereas by the antient Laws and Statutes of England you should let a Hide lye in the Ouse at the least nine moneths you can make good Leather of it before three months you have your Doves dung your Marl your asâ—en Bark and a thousand things more to bring on your Leather apace that it is so badly Tanned that when it comes to the wearing then it â—â—eets away like a piece of brown Paper And whereas your Backs of all other should be the best tanned you bring them so full of Horn to the Market that did you not grease the Sealers of Leaden-Hall throughly in the Fist they should never be sealed but turned away and made forfeit by the Statute I cannot at large lay open your subtle practices to beguile the poor communalty with bad Leather But let this suffice you leave no Villany unsought to bring the Blockhead your son to go afore the Clown his Father trimly trickt up in a pair of velvet breeches The Cheats used by the Curriors Now Mr. Currior to your Cozenage you cannot be content only to burn the Leather you dress for fault of Liquor because you would make the Shoomaker pay well and you put in little stuff and beside when as in Backs you should only put in Tallow hard and good you put in soft Kitchin stuff mixt and so make the good and well tanned Leather by your Villany to fleet and waste away but also you grow to be an extorting Knave and a Forestaller of the Market for you will buy Leather Sides Backs and Calve Skins and sell them to the poor Shoomakers at an unreasonable rate by your false retailing getting infinite goods by that excessive price both undoing the poor Shomaker and causing us that we pay extremely for Shoes For if the Currier bought not Leather by the whole of the Tanner the Shoomaker might have it at a more reasonable price but the Shoemaker being poor is not perhaps able to deal with a dicker of Hides nor perhaps with a couple of Backs and the Tanner will not trust him then the extorting and couzening Currier comes up with this I will lend you for a day and so pincheth him that he is scarce able to find his Children bread But well hath his Majesty provided by an Act of Parliament That no Currier shall buy Leather either Backs or Hides of the Tanner so to bridle the extorting and forestalling Couzenage but craftilier and subtilier hath the Knave Currier cros-bitten the Statute in that he deals thus with the Tanner he makes him hold his Leather unreasonably to the Shoemaker and so when he cannot sell it he lays it up in the Curriers house under a colour whereas indeed he hath sold it him Suppose this shift be spied and prevented then compoundeth he with some Knave Shoemaker some base Rakehell without a Conscience that neither respecteth God the Common-wealth nor his Company and forsooth he is half with the Currier who letteth him have some hundred Marks to lay out for Leather every Month whereas he spends not in his Shop a hundred Marks worth in a year so the Shoemaker buys it to abuse the Statute for the Currier and the Currier by that means undoeth the other Shoemakers thus two crafty Knaves are met and they need no honest Broker The Cheats in