Thr. Haue you drawn 't at length haue you dasht it out According to your name Das. Some scauen-score sheetes Thr. Is the demurror drawne twixt Snip and VVoodcock And what doe you say to Peacocks pittifull bill Das. I haue drawne his answer negatiue to all Thr. Negatiue to all The plaintiue sayes That VVilliam Goose was sonne to Thomas Goose And will a sweare the generall bill is false Das. A will Thr. Then he forsweares his father 't is well Some of our clients will go prig to hell Before ourselues has a paide all his fees Das. A lest them all with me Thr. Then trusse my points And how thinkst thou of law Das. Most reuerently Law is the worlds great light a second sunne To this terrestriall Globe by which all things Haue life and being and with-out which Confusion and disorder soone would seaze The generall state of men warres outrages The vlcerous deeds of peace it curbes and cures It is the kingdomes eye by which shee sees The acts and thoughts of men Thr. The kingdomes eye I tell thee foole it is the kingdomes nose By which she smells out all these rich transgressors Nor i st of flesh but meerely made of wax And t is within the power of vs Lawiers To wrest this nose of waxe which way we please Or it may be as thou saist an eye indeed But if it be t is sure a womans eye knocke within That 's euer rowling Das. one knocks Thr. Go see who t is Stay my chaire and gowne and then go see who knocks Thus must I seeme a Lawyer which am indeed But meerly dregs and offscumme of the Law En. Bou. Dash and Consta. I tricesimo primo Alberti Magni T is very cleere Bou. God saue you sir Thr. The place is very pregnant Maister Boucher Most harty welcome sir Bou. You study hard Thr. No I haue a cushion Bou. You ply this geere You are no trewant in the law I see Thr. Faith some hundred bookes in folio I haue Turnd ouer to better my owne knowledge But that is nothing for a studient Bou. Or a Stationer they turne them ouer too But not as you doe gentill Maister Throat And what the Law speakes profit does it not Thr. Faith some bad angells haunt vs now and then But what brought you hether Bou. Why these smale legs Thr. You are conceited sir Bou. I am in Law But let that goe and tell me how you doe How does Will Smalshankes and his louely bride Th. Introth you make me blush I should haue ask't His health of you but t is not yet to late Bou. Nay good sir Throat forbeare your quillets now Thr. By Heauen I deale most plaine I saw him not Since last I tooke his Morgage Bou. Sir be not nyce Yet I must needs herein commend your loue To let me see him for know I know him wed And that a stole away Sommerfields heire Therefore suspect me not I am his friend Thr. How wed to ritch Sommerfields onely heyre Is old Sommerfield dead Bou. Do you make it strang Thr. By heauen I know it nor Bou. Then am I greeued I spake so much but that I know you loue him And is reseru'd for grose and hungry stomackes Bou. You much mistake me Taff. Come in faith you do And let me tell you that 's but ceremony For though the Pye bee broken vp before Yet sayes the prouerbe the deeper is the sweeter I should intreat your secresie sir fare you well Thro. Nay good sir stay if ought you can disclose Of Maister Smale-shankes good let me pertake And make me glad in knowing his good hap Bou. You much indeere him sir and from your loue I dare presume you make your selfe a fortune If his fayre hopes proceede Thr. Say on good sir Bou. You will be secret Thr. Or be my tongue torne out Bouch. Measure for a Lawyer but to the poynt Has stole Somerfields heyre hether a brings her As to a man on whom a may rely His life and fortunes you hath a named Already for the Steward of his lands To keepe his Courts and to collect his rent To let out Leases and to rayse his fines Nothing that may or loue or profit bring But you are named the man Thr. I am his slaue And bound vnto his noble curtesie Euen with my life I euer said a would thriue And I protest I kept his forfeit morgage To let him know what t is to liue in want Bour. I thinke no lesse one word more in priuate Con. Good Maister Dash shall I put you now a case Dash. Speake on good Maister Page Con. Then thus it is Suppose I am a Page he is my Maister My Maister goes to bed and cannot tell What monei 's in his hose I ere next day Haue filcht out some what action lies for this Dash. An action boy cald firking the Posteriors With vs your action sildome comes in question For that t is knowne that most of your Gallants Are sildome so well stor'd that they forget What mone'i 's in theyr hose but if they haue There is noe other helpe then sweare the page And put him to his oath Con, Then fecks-law Dost thinke that he has conscience to steale Has not a conscience likewise to deny Then hange him vp ifayth Bou. I must meete him Thr. Commend me to them come when they will My dores stand open and all within is theirs And though Ramme stinks with Cookes and ale Yet say ther 's many a worthy lawyers chamber Buts vpon Rame-alley I haue still an open throte If ought I haue which may procure his good Bid him command I though it be my blod Ex. Actus Secundi Scena Prima Enter Oliuer Smaleshanke Thomas Smale Shanke S. Oli. Is this the place you were appoynted to meete him Tho. S. Soe Boutcher sent me word Si. O. I find it true That wine good newes and a young holsome wentch Chere vp an old mans bloud I tel thee boy I am right harty glad to heare thy brother Hath got so great an heire now were my selfe So well bestowed I should reioyce ifaith Th. S. I hope you shall doe well S.O. No doubt no doubt A sirra has a borne the wentch away My sonne ifaith my very sonne ifaith When I was young and had an able backe And wore the brissell on my vpper lipe In good Decorum I had as good conuayance And could haue ferd and ferkt y'away a wench As soone as eare a man a liue tut boy I had my winks my becks treads on the toe Wrings by the fingers smyles and other quirkes Noe Courtier like me your Courtiers all are fooles To that which I could doe I could haue done it boy Euen to a hare and that some Ladies knowe Th. S. Sir I am glad this match may reconcile Your loue vnto my brother Si. O. T is more then soe I le seeme offended still though I am glad Enter Willian Smals-shanke Francis Beard booted Has got rich Sommer-fields
With their lasciuious glances conquer him Hath still beene Lord of his affections Shall simpring nisenesse load-stones but to fooles Attract a knowing spirrit it shall it dooes Not Phaebus rising from Auroras lap Spreds his bright raies with more maiestique grace Then came the glances from her quickning eye And what of this Con. By my troth I know not Bou. I will not enter continued flames burne strong I yet am free and reason keepes her seate Aboue all fond affections yet is she fayre Enter Adriana Adr. Sir I bring you thankes for this great curtesie And if you please to enter I dare presume My mistris will afford you gratious welcome Bou. How doe men call your mistris Con. The man 's in loue Adr. Her name sir is Mistris Changeable late wife To maister Tafata Mercer deceast Bour. I haue heard she is both rich and beautifull Adr. In th' eyes of such as loue her iudge your selfe Please you but pricke forward and enter Con. Now will I fall a boord the wating maide Adr. Fall a boord of me dost take me for a ship Con. I And will shoote you betwixt wind and water Adr. Blurt maister gunner your linstocks to short Con. Foote how did she know that dost here sweet hart Should not the page be doing with the maid Whilst the maister is busie with the mistris Please you pricke forwards thou art a wench Likely to goe the way of all flesh shortly Adr. Whose witty knaue art thou Con. At your seruice Ad. At mine faith I should breetch thee Con. How breetch me Adr. I breetch thee I haue breetch a taler man Then you in my time come in and welcome Con. Well I see now a ritch well-practis'd baud May pursse more fees in a summers progresse Then a well traded lawier in a whole terme Pandarisme why 't is growne a liberall science Or a new sect and the good professors Will like the Brownist frequent grauell pits shortly For they vse woods and obscure holes already Enter Tafata and Boucher Not marry a widdow Bou. No Taf. And why Belike you thinke it base and seruant-like To feed vpon reuersion you hold vs widdowes But as a pie thrust to the lower end That hath had many fingers in t before And is reseru'd for grose and hungry stomackes Bou. You much mistake me Taff. Come in faith you do And let me tell you that 's but ceremony For though the Pye bee broken vp before Yet sayes the prouerbe the deeper is the sweeter And though a capons wings and legges be caru'd The flesh left with the rumpe I hope is sweet I tell you sir I haue beene woed and sued to By worthy Knights of faire demeanes nay more They haue bin out of debt yet till this houre I neither could indure to be in loue Or be beloued but proferd ware is cheape what 's lawfull that 's loathd and things denied Are with more stronger appetite persude I am to yeelding Bou. You mistake my thoughts But know thou wonder of this continent By one more skyld in vnknowne fate then was The blind Achaian Prophet It was foretold A widdow should indanger both my life My soule my lands and reputation This cheks my thoughs and cooles th' ssentiall fire Of sacred loue more ardent in my brest Then speech can vtter Taf. A triuiall Idle ieast T is for a man of your repute and note To credit fortunetellers a petty rogue That neuer saw fiue shillings in a heape Will take vpon him to diuine mens fate Yet neuer knowes himselfe shall die a begger Or be hanged vp for pilfering tablecloaths Shirts and smocks hanged out to dry on hedges T is meerely base to trust them or if there be A man in whome the Delphicke God hath breathed His true diuining fire that can foretell The fixt decree of fate he likewise knowes What is within the euerlasting booke Of Desteny decreed cannot by wit Or mans Inuention be disolued or shund Then giue thy loue free scope imbrace and kisse And to the distafe sisters leaue th' euent Bou. How powerfull are their words whome we affect Small force shall need to winne the strongest fort If to his state the Captaine be perfidious I must intreate you licence my depart For some few houres Taf. Choose what you will of time There lyes your way Bou. I will intreate her stay Taf. Did you call sir Bou. No Taf. Then fare you well Bou. Who gins to loue needs not a second Hell Ent. Adr. Taf. Adriana makes a no stay Adr. Mistris Taf. I prythee see if hee haue left the house Peepe close see but be not seene is a gon Adr. No has made a stand Ta. I prethee keepe close Ad. Nay keep you close y 'ad best Taf. What does he now Adr. Now a retiers Bou, O you much partiall gods Why gaue you men affections and not a power To gouerne them what I by fate should shunne I most affect a widdow a widdow Taf. Blowes the wind there Adr. A ha h 'is in ifaith Yo 'aue drawne him now within your purlews mistresse Bou. Tut I will not loue my rationall And better parts shall conquer blind affections Let passion children or weake women sway My loue shall to my iudgement still obay Taf. What does he now Adr. H 'is gon Taf. Gon Adriana Adr. A went his way and neuer lookt behind him Taf. Sure he 's taken Adr. A little sing'd or so Each thing must haue beginning men must prepare Before they can come on and show their loues In pleasing sort the man will doe in time For loue good Mistresse is much like to waxe The more 't is rub'd it sticks the faster too Or like a bird in bird-lime or a pit-fall The more a labours still the deeper in Taf. Come thou must helpe me now I haue a trick To second this beginning and in the nick To strike it dead ifaith women must woe When men forget what Nature leads them too Enter Throte the Lawyer from his study bookes and bags of money on a Table a chaire and cushion Thr. Chast Phoebe splende there 's that left yet Next to my booke Claro micante Auro I that 's the soule of lawe that 's it that 's it For which the Buckrome bag must trudge all weathers Though scarcely fild with one poore replication How happy are we that wee ioy the law So freely as we doe not bought and sold But clearely giuen without all base extorting Taking but bare ten Angels for a fee Or vpward to this renown'd estate Haue I by indirect and cunning meanes In-wouen my selfe and now can scratch it out Thrust at a barre and cry my Lord as low'd As ere a listed gowne-man of them all I neuer plead before the honor'd bench But bench right-worshipfull of peacefull Iustices And Country-Gentlemen and yet I 'aue found Good gettings by the Masse besides od cheates VVill Small-shankes lands and many garboyles more Dash. Dash Sir Thr. Is that reioynder done Da. Done sir
heyre Wi. S. Come wench of gold For thou shalt get me gold besides od ends Of siluer wee le purchase house and land By thy bare gettings wentch by thy bare gettings How saiest Lieftenant-Beard does she not looke Like a wentch newly stole from a window Bea. Exceeding well she carries it by Ioue And if she can forbeare her Rampant tricke And but hold close a while t will take by Mars Fra. How now you slaue my rampant trickes you rogue Nay feare not me my onely feare is still Thy filthy face betrayes vs for all men know Thy nose stands compas like a bow Which is three quarters drawne thy head Which is with greasy haire ore-spred And being vncurld and blacke as cole Doth show some Scullion in a hole Begot thee on a Gipsie or Thy mother was some Colliers whore My rampant tricks you rogue thou 't be descride Before our plot be ended W, S. What should descry him Vnlesse it be his nose and as for that Thou maist protest a was thy fathers butler And for thy loue is likewise runne away Nay sweet Lieftenant now forbeare to puffe And let the brissells of thy beard growe downe-ward Reuerence my Punke and Pandarize a little Ther 's many of thy ranke that doe professe it Yet hold it noe disparagment Bea. I shall doe What fits an honest man Wi. S. Why that 's enough Foote my Father and the goose my brother Backe you two Bea. Backe Wi. S. Retyer sweet Lieftenant And come not on till I shall waue you on Si. O. Is not that he Th. S. T is he Si. O. But where 's the wentch W.S. It shal be so I le cheate him that 's flat Sir Ol. You are well met know yee me good sir Belike you thinke I haue no eyes no eares No nose to smell and winde out all your tricks Y'haue stole Sir Somerfields heire nay we can finde Your wildest paths your turnings and returnes Your traces squats the insets formes and holes You yongmen vse if once cursagest wits Be set a hunting are you now crept forth Haue you hid your head within a suburbe hole All this while and are you now crept forth W. S 'T is a starke lye Sir Ol. How W.S. who told you so did lye Foote a Gentleman cannot leaue the Citty And keepe the suburbs to take a little Phisick But straite some slaue will say he hides his head I hide my head within a Suburbe hole I could haue holes at Court to hide my head Were I but so disposd Sir Ol. Thou varlet knaue T' hast stolne away Sir Iohn Somerfields heire But neuer looke for countenance from me Carry her whether thou wilt W.S. Father father Zart will you vndoe your posterity Will you sir vndoe your posterity I can but kill my brother then hang my selfe And where is then your house make me not dispare Foote now I haue got a wench worth by the yeare Two thousand pound and vpwards to crosse my hopes Would ere a clowne in Christendom doo 't but you Th. S. Good Father let him leaue this thundring And giue him grace W.S. Why law my brother knowes Reason and what an honest man should doe S. Ol. Well where 's your wife W.S. Shee s comming here behind S. Ol. I le giue her some-what though I loue not thee W.S. My father right I knew you could not hold Out long with a woman but giue some-thing Worthy your gift and her acceptance father This chaine were excellent by this good-light Shee shall giue you as good if once her lands Enter Frances Beard Come to my fingring S.O. Peace knaue what 's she your wife W.S. That shall be sir S. Ol And what 's he W.S. My man S. Ol. A Ruffian Knaue a is W.S. A Ruffian sir By heauen as tall a man as ere drew sword Not being counted of the damned crew A was her fathers Butler his name is Beard Of with your Maske now shall you finde me true And that I am a sonne vnto a Knight This is my father S. Ol. I am indeed faire maide My stile is Knight come let me kisse your lips W.S. That kisse shall cost your chaine S.O. It smacks ifaith I must commend your choise Fra. Sir I haue giuen A longer venture then true modesty Will well allow or your more grauer witte Commend W.S. I dare be sworne she has S. Ol. Not so The foolish knaue ha's beene accounted wilde And so haue I but I am now come home And so will he Fra. I must beleeue it now W S. Beg his chaine wench Be. Wil you cheat your father W.S. I by this light will I S. Ol. Nay sigh not For you shall finde him louing and me thankfull And were it not a scandall to my honour To be consenting to my sonnes attempt You should vnto my house meane while take this As pledge and token of my after loue How long since dyed your father W.S. Some six weeks since We cannot stay to talke for slaues pursue I haue a house shall lodge vs till the Priest May make vs sure S. Ol. Well sirra loue this woman And when you are man and wife bring her to me Shee shall be welcome W.S. I humbly thanke you sir S. Ol. I must be gone I must a wooing too W.S. Ioue and Priapus speed you you le returne Exit Sir Oliuer and Thom Small-shanke Th. S. Instantly W.S. VVhy this came cleanly off Giue me the chaine you little Cockatrice VVhy this was luck foote foure hundred crownes Got at a clap hold still your owne you whore And we shall thriue Bea. T' was brauely fetcht about W.S. I when will your nose and beard performe as much Fra. I am glad he is gon a put me to the blush When a did aske me of ritch Somerfields death W S. And tooke not I my q wa st not good Did I not bring you off you arrant drab Without a counterbuffe looke who comes heere And three merry men and three merry men And three merry men bee wee a. Enter Boutcher and Constantia Bou. Still in this vaine I haue done you seruice The Lawyers house will giue you entertainment Bountifull and free W. S O nay second selfe Come let me busse thy beard we are all made Why are so melancholly doost want money Looke heer 's gold and as wee passe along I le tell thee how I got it not a word But that shee 's Somerfields heyre my brother Swallowes it with more ease then a Dutchman Does flap-Dragons a comes now to my Lawyers Enter T. Small-shanke Kisse my wife good brother shee is a wench Was borne to make vs all Th. S. I hope no lesse Yo' are welcome sister into these our parts As I may say Fra. Thankes gentle brother W. Come now to Ram-alley There shalt thou lye Till I prouide a Priest Bou. O villany I thinke a will gull his whole generation I must make one since 't is so well begun I le not forsake him till his hopes be wonne