him yea most spitefully and maliciously fought on Satans and sins side against him and persecuted his children and the truth with all my might and all this against knowledge and conscience after some measure of illumination which cannot be affirmed of the Jews Yet miserable wretch that I was if I could have given him my body and soul they should have been saved by it but he were never the better for them Sect. XXXIII Lastly To tell you that which is more strange Notwithstanding all this that hath been mentioned and much more Yet I thought my self a good Christian forsooth yea with that young man in the Gospel I thought I had kept all the Commandements Nor was I a whit troubled for sin either original or actual but my conscience was at quiet and I was at peace neither did any sin trouble me Yea I would applaud my self with that Pharisee Luke 18.9 to 15. and say I was not like other men not once doubting of my salvation I ever refused to do what my Maker commanded and yet confidently hoped to escape what he threatned Nor did I doubt of having Christ my Redeemer and Advocate in the next life when I had been a bitter enemy to him and his members in this life Here was blindnesse with a witnesse as it is not to be believed how blind and blackish men are that have only the flesh for their guide especially if they have hardned their hearts and seared their consciences with a customary sinning As I could give you for instance a large catalogue of rare examples how sin hath besotted men and what starkfools carnal men are in spirital things be they never so wise for mundane knowledg But least it should be taken for a digression or excursion you shall have a list of them by themselves the which I will add as an Appendix to this Discourse or Dialogue In the mean time I have given you a brief of my manifold provocations and great ingratitude to my Maker and Redeemer for otherwise I might be endlesse in the prosecution thereof It remains that I should in like manner lay open my original defilement which is the fountain whence all the former whether sins of commission or sins of omission do flow But touching it be pleased to peruse that small Tract intituled A short and sure way to Grace and Salvation Or Three Fundamental Principles of Christian Religion by R. Y. from page 4. to page 10. Sect. XXXIV Loose Libertine If this hath been your case no wonder it hath startled you for to deal plainly with you as you have done with me what I have heard from you makes me also tremble For if such honest moral men that live so unreprovably as you had done go not to heaven what will become of me that have been openly Prophane and notoriously wicked all my time Yea it contented me not to do wickedly my self and so damne my own soul but I have been the occasion of drawing hundreds to Hell with me by seducing some and giving ill example to others the infection of sin being much worse than the act As how many have I drawn to be Drunkards and swearers and whoremongers and prophane persons insomuch that the blood of so many souls as I have drawn away will be required at my hands Yea my life hath been so debauched and licentious that I have brought a scandal upon the Gospel and made it odious to the very Turks and Infidels Rom. 2.24 Convert Alass what I did that was morally good or what evil I refrained was more for self-ends or more for fear of mens Laws than for love of Christs Gospel True I went under the notion of an honest man and a good Christian I was baptized into the faith and made a member of Christs vivisible Church but I was so far from indeavouring to perform what I then promised that in effect I even renounced both Christ and my Baptism in persecuting him and all that sincerely professed his Name thinking I did God good service therein Joh. 16.2 Gal. 1.13 14. Phil. 3.6 Nor was it for want of ignorance that you thought so of me for by nature be we never so milde and gentle we are all the seed of the Serpent Gen. 3.15 and children of the Devil Joh. 8.44 Yea the very best moral man is but a tame Devil as Athanasius well notes But it is a true proverb the blind eat many a flie and all colours are alike to him that is in the dark Loose Libertine So much the worse is my condition for my conscience tells me there is not a word you have spoken of your self but I can justly apply the same unto my own soul and a great deal more For whereas you have been a moral honest man so that none except your self could tax you for breaking either Gods Law or mans I have been so wicked and prophane that I could most presumptuosly and of set purpose take a pride in my wickednesse commit it with greedinesse speak for it defend it joy in it boast of it tempt and inforce to it yea mock them that disliked it As if I would send challenges into Heaven and make love to destruction and yet did applaud my self and prefer my own condition before other mens saying I was no dissembler yea I hated the hypocrisie of Professors I do not justifie my self and despise others like the Puritanes I am not factious schismatical singular censorious c. I am not rebellious nor contentious like the Brownists and Anabaptists I am a good fellow and love an honest man with my heart c. and as touching a good conscience I was never troubled in mind as many scrupulous fools are I have a good heart and mean as well as the precisest Bur now I see the Devil and my own deceitfull heart deluded me so that my whole life hither to hath been but a dream and that like a blind man I was running head long to Hell when yet I thought my self in the way to Heaven Just as if a beggar should dream that he were a King or as if a traitor should dream of his being crowned when indeed he was to be beheaded the case of Laodicea Rev. 3.17 the young man in the Gospel Luk. 18.20 21. and that Pharisee spoken of Luk. 18.11 12. Sect. XXXV Convert It was not your case alone but so it fares with the worst of sinners Only it much rejoyces me that it hath pleased God to open your eyes to see all this in your self For flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto you Yea we are naturally so blind and deaf and dead in sin and in soul that we can no more discern our spiritual filthinesse nor feel sin to be a burden than a blind Aethiopian can see his own blacknesse or than a dead-man can feel the weight of a burthen when it is laid upon him Act. 28.27 Isa 6.9 10 And this common experience shews for if you observe it who more
AN Experimental INDEX of the HEART OR self-SELF-KNOWLEDGE In which As in a Looking-glasse the civillest of men may see what need they have of a Redeemer and that it most deeply concerns them with all speed to sue out their pardon in Christ and to rely wholly and only upon Free-grace for pardon and Salvation except they prefer an everlasting furnace of fire and brimstone in Hell before an eternal weight of superabundant glory in Heaven as all most sottishly do that by sinne and Satan are bewitched Drawn up and published for the good of all By R. Younge of Roxwell in Essex Florilegus Add this as a Third Part to the Trial of true Wisdom and those Three Fundamental Principles of Christian Religion Intituled A short and sure Way to Grace and Salvation Sect. XXVII A Loose Libertine meeting with his Friend that had lately been a Formal Christian he greets him as followeth SIR methinks I have observed in you a strange alteration since our last meeting at Middleburrough not only in your behaviour company and converse but even in your countenance What is the matter if I may be so bold Convert Truly Sir you are not at all mistaken nor am I unwilling to acquaint you with the cause if you can affoard to hear it Soon after my return into England I was carried by a Friend to hear a Sermon where the Minister so represented the very thoughts secrets and deceitfulnesse of my heart unto my conscience that I could not but say of him as the woman of Samaria once spake of our Saviour He hath told me all things that ever I did Which made me conclude with that Vnbeliever 1 Cor. 14.24 25. That God was in him of a truth nor could he ever have so done if he were not of God As the young man in the Gospel reasoned with the Pharisees touching Jesus when he had opened his eyes that had been blind from his birth Joh. 9.32 33. Whereupon I could have no peace nor rest untill I had further communed with him about my estate for I found my self in a lost condition touching Eternity It faring with me as it did with those Jews Act. 2. when Peter by his searching Sermon had convinced them that Christ whom they had by wicked hands crucified and slain was the only Son of God and Lord of glory ver 36 37. And having had the happinesse to enjoy the benefit of his sage advice as I stood in need thereof God having given him the tongue of the learned to administer a word is season to them that are weary Isa 50.4 I blesse God his Word and Spirit hath wrought in me such a change and strange alteration that it hath opened mine eyes that were blind before inclined my will to obedience which before was rebellious softened my heart sanctified and quite changed my affections so that I now love that good which before I hated and hate that evil which before I loved and am delighted with those holy exercises which heretofore did most displease me and am displeased with those vain pleasures and filthy sins which in times past did most delight me Which is such a mercy that no tongue is able to expresse For till that hour I went on in the broad way and worlds road to destruction without any mistrust whereas now God hath been pleased to take me into his Kingdom of grace here and will never leave me untill he hath brought me to his Kingdom of glory hereafter Loose Libertine What you speak makes me wonder for I ever held you the compleatest man of my acquaintance just in all your dealings temperate and civil in your deportment yea I have never seen you exceed in the least or heard you swear an Oath except faith and troth and that very rarely Besides you have been a good Protestant and gone to Church all your daies Convert What you speak none that know me can contradict nor could they ever accuse me of any scandalous crime or unjust act Yea I had the same thoughts of my self and should any one have told me formerly that I was such a great sinner such a Devil Incarnate as I was I should have replied as Hazael did to the Prophet telling him of the abominable wickednesse he would e're long commit What am I a dog c. 2 Kings 8.12 13. And no wonder for as every man in his natural condition is stark blind to spiritual objects 1 Cor. 2.14 so the heart of man is deceitfull above all things even so deceitfull that none but God alone can know it as the Prophet shews Jer. 17.10 But because this is a truth that transcends your belief and because it may be of singular use to you also to know the same I will give you a short character of my former condition the which done I doubt not but you will assent unto what I have hitherto said or shall further relate Sect. XXVIII First Touching my knowledg I mean saving knowledg without which the soul cannot be good us wise Solomon witnesseth Prov. 19.2 It was such though I thought my self wiser than to make scruple of or perplex my self about matters of Religion as do the Religious even as the King of Tyrus thought himself wiser than Daniel Ezek. 28.3 that spiritual things were mostly represented to my understanding false and clean contrary to what they are indeed Like corporal things in a Looking-glass wherein those that are on the right hand seem to be on the left and those that are on the left hand seem to be on the right As it fared with Saint Paul while he was in his natural condition Act. 26.9 which made me think and call evil good and good evil bitter sweet and sweet bitter to justifie the wickâ—d condemn the just as the Prophet complains Isa 5.20 23. As for instance I most sottishly thought that I both loved and served God as I ought yea I should have taken it in soul scorn if any one had questioned the same when indeed I was a Traitor to God and took up arms against all that worshipped him in Spirit and in truth I was so far from loving and serving him that I hated those that did it and that for their so doing I could also hear him blasphemed reproached and dishonoured without being once stirred or moved at it I loved him dearly but I could never affoard to speak a word for him and likewise his Children intirely but instead of justifiing them or speaking in their defence when I heard them scoft scorned and abused by wicked and ungodly men all my delight was to jeer at slight and slander them where ever I came I more feared the Magistrate than I feared God and more regarded the blasts of mens breath than the fire of Gods wrath I chose rather to disobey God than to displease great ones and feared more the worlds scorns then his anger And the like of Christ that died for me a strong argument that I loved Christ when I
worldly wisdome with Heavenly wisdome carnal love for spiritual love servile fear for Christian and filial fear idle thoughts for holy thoughts vain words for holy and wholesome words fleshly works for works of righteousnesse even hating what I formerly loved and loving what I formerly hated But alas I have heard the Gospel day after day and year after year which is the strong arm of the Lord and the mighty power of God to salvation That is quick and powerfull and sharper than any two-edged-sword and yet stood it out and resisted Instead of submitting to Christs call even refusing the free offer of grace and salvation I have heard the word faithfully and powerfully preached for forty years yet remain'd in my natural condition unregenerate without which new birth there is no being saved as our Saviour affirms Joh. 3.5 I had not troden one step in the way to conversion for the first part of conversion is to love them that love God 1 Joh. 3.10 11 14. I should daily have grown in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ but I was so far from growing in grace that I had not one spark of grace or holinesse without which no man shall see the Lord Heb. 12 14. I was all for observing the second Table without respect to the first or all for outward conformity not at all for spiritual and inward holinesse of the heart Sect. XXXI Either what I did was not morally good for the matter or not well done for the manner nor to any right ends as out of duty and thankfulnesse to God and my Redeemer and out of love to my fellow members Without which the most glorious performances and rarest virtues are but shining sins or beautifull abominations Gods Glory was not my principal end nor to be saved my greatest care I was a good civil moral honest hypocrite or Infidel but none of these graces grew in the Garden of my heart I did not shine out as a light by a holy conversation to glorifie God and win others Now only to refrain evil except a man hates it also and does the contrary good is to be evil still because honesty without piety is but a body without a soul All my Religion was either superstition or formality or hypocrisie I had a form of godlinesse but denied the power thereof I often drew near unto God with my mouth and honoured him with my lips but my heart was far from him Isa 29.13 Mark 7.2 to 14. Matth. 15.7 to 10. All which considered viz. the means which God had afforded me and the little use I had made thereof left me in a far worse condition than the very heathen that never heard of Christ So that it was Gods unspeakable mercy that I am not at this present frying in Hell flames never to be freed God hath sent unto us all his Servants the Prophets rising up early and they have been instant in Preaching the Gospel both in season and out of season but my carnal heart hath ever been flint unto God wax to Satan you shall dye if you continue in the practice of sin I heard but you shall not dye as saith the Devil I believed Sect. XXXII Besides all this suppose I had none of these to answer for neither sins of Commission nor sins of Omission yet Original sin were enough to damn me no need of any more and yet my actual transgressions have been such and so many and my ingratitude therein so great that it might have sunk me down with shame and left me hopelesse of ever obtaining pardon for them As see but some small part of my monstrous and devilish ingratitude to so good a God so loving and mercifull a Saviour and Redeemer that hath done and suffer'd so much for me even more than can either be expressed or conceived by any heart were it as deep as the Sea Touching what God and Christ hath done for me in the first place he gave me my self and all the creatures to serve for my use yea he created me after his own Image in righteousnesse and holinesse and in perfect knowledg of the truth with a power to stand and for ever to continue in a most blessed and happy condition But this was nothing in comparison for when I was in a sad condition when I had forfeited all this and my self when by sin I had turned that Image of God into the Image of Satan and wilfully plunged my soul and body into eternal torments when I was become his enemy mortally hating him and to my utmost fighting against him and taking part with his only enemies sin and Satan not having the least thought or desire of reconcilement but a perverse and obstinate will to resist all means tending thereunto he did redeem me not only without asking but even against my will so making of me his cursed enemy a Servant of a Servant a Son of a Son an Heir and Co-heir with Christ Gal. 4.7 But how have I requited this so great so superlative a mercy All my recompence of Gods love unto me hath been to do that which he hates and to hate those whom he loves Christ the fountain of all good is my Lord by a manifold right and I his servant by all manner of obligations First He is my Lord by the right of Creation as being his workmanship made by him Secondly By the right of Redemption being his purchase bought by him Thirdly Of preservation being kept upheld and maintained by him Fourthly His by Vocation even of his family having admitted me a member of his visible Church Fifthly His also had it not been my own fault by sanctication whereby to possesse me Lastly He would have me of his Court by glorification that he might crown me so that I was every way his God had raised me from a beggar to a great estate but how did I requite him I would not if possible suffer a godly and conscientious Minister to be chosen or to abide where I had to do but to bring in one that would flatter sin and flout holiness discourage the godly and incourage the wicked I used both my own and all my friends utmost ability Much more might be mentioned but I fear to be tedious Now argue with all the world and they will conclude that there is no vice like ingratitude But I have been more ingratefull to God than can be exprest by the best Oratour alive It was horrible ingratitude in the Jews to scourge and crucifie Christ who did them good every way for he healed their diseases fed their bodies inlightened their minds of God became man and lived miserably amongst them many years that he might save their souls but they fell short of my ingratitude to God in that most of them were not in the least convinc'd that he was the Messias sent from God and promised from the beginning But I have not only denied this Lord that bought me but I hated