Selected quad for the lemma: king_n

Word A	Word B	Word C	Word D	Occurrence	Frequency Band	MI	MI Band	Prominent
king_n	write_v	year_n	young_a	577	3	6.3350	4	false

Text snippets containing the quad

ID	Title	Author	Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication)	STC	Words	Pages
A81063	England's jests refin'd and improv'd being a choice collection of the merriest jests, smartest repartee's, wittiest sayings, and most notable bulls, yet extant with many new ones, never before printed. To which are added, XI[V]. ingenious characters drawn to the life. The whole work compil'd with great care and exactness: and may serve as the witty-man's companion, the busy-man's diversion, and the melancholy-man's physick and recreation. The second edition with additions. Calculated for the innocent spending of the winter evenings, by H.C.	Crouch, Humphrey, fl. 1635-1671.; Drapentier, Jan, fl. 1674-1713, engraver.	1687 (1687)	Wing C7277A; ESTC R231051	63,902	190

I so says he then putting his Hat before his Eyes he said The Eyes of all things c. 127. A Gentleman reproving his Friend that was a married man for getting a maid with Child saying He admir'd that such a man as he wou'd defile his Bed so You mistake Sir says he there was no defiling of my Bed in th● Case for I did it in the Fields 128. A conceited Fellow that had an extraordinary good opinion of himself ask'd his Friend what others thought of him Why says his Friend The Wise think you foolish and Fools think you wise Now pray what think you of your self 129. Two Gentlemen that had been a great while at Law together and had spent a great deal of Money at it one of the Gentlemens Friends told him That his Antagonist had remov'd his Suit into Chancery Let him remove it into H●ll says he I don't question but to get a Lawyer to follow it for money 130. An English Merchant at Lisbon in Spain sold some Jews five hundred pounds worth of Gloves but they falling off from their Bargain would have but half of them Well said the Merchant you must give me some time to sort them and then you shall have half so he order'd his Man to put all the Right-handed Gloves in one parcel and the left-handed ones in another Then when the Jews came he bid them take their choice which when they had done and were packing of them up they perceiv'd them to be all for one hand and so were glad to take the other parcel at the Merchants own rate 131. One standing in the Pillory at the Exchange and his Wife being by him to bear him Company a Gentleman that saw him said He believ'd he was a Papist because he had his Cross with him 132. Another man hearing a Parson Preach on that Text Take up your Cross and follow Me took his Wife on his Back the next Sunday and came into the middle of the Church while the Parson was preaching and looking up to him said Now Sir I have brought my Cross what must I do with it The Minister being a little surpriz'd at the humour of the Fellow hardly knew what to say to him but at last he bid him set it down there Yes that I will says he with all my heart though it were in the middle of the Sea But I see says he as well as you pretend to love the Cross mine may lie upon my hands this forty Years before you 'll ease me of it 133. A Gentleman ask'd one of the Female Sex Whether she was Maid Wife or Widow and bid her tell him truly She being a little put to it after some consideration upon this hard question and being above twenty years old answered him thus Though I was never married Sir yet you may write me down Young Woman 134. King Henry the Eighth going once to Gravesend took Will. Summers his Jester with him for his diversion the Wind being very high it was very tempestuous and Summers being very fearful thought himself in great danger and said to the King Harry Harry I had rather be thy Fool by Land than thy Companion by Water At which the King laugh'd heartily 135. A Nobleman having a mind to be merry sent for his Chapl●in and told him That unless he could resolve him these Three Questions he should be discarded and turn'd out of his Service but if he cou'd he shou'd have Thirty Guinneys and the best Horse in his Stable So he propos'd the Questions to him which were these First What compass the World was about Secondly How deep the Sea was And Thirdly What he thought The Poor Chaplain was in a peck of Troubles and did not know how to answer them or what to say thinking them very unreasonable Questions so that all he could do was to desire a little time to consider upon them which the Earl granted So he going along the Fields one day very melancholy a Cobler of the Town a merry Fellow who was very like the Chaplain both in Physiognomy and Stature met him and ask'd him the reason of his Sadness which with some Reluctancy he told him O Sir says the Cobler don't be dejected chear up I 've thought of a device to save your Place and get you the Money and Horse too but you shall give me Ten Guinneys for my pains So he agreed to 't and it was thus Says he I 'll put on your Cloaths and go to my Lord and answer his Questions Accordingly he went and when he came before him he answer'd him thus To the first Question What Compass the World was about He answer'd It was four and twenty hours Journey and if a man could keep pace with the Sun he might easily go it in that time To the second How deep the Sea was He answer'd Only a stones throw for cast it into the deepest place ●f it and in time it will come to the bottom To the third which I fancy your Lordship thinks the most difficult to be Resolv'd but is indeed the easiest which is What your Lordship thinks I answer That you think I am your Chaplain when as indeed I am but the Cobler of Gloucester The Nobleman was so pleas'd with his witty Answers that he perform'd his Promise to his Chaplain and gave the Cobler Ten Guinneys for his Ingenuity 136. Says a Glazier to a Painter I see you do all under a Colour Get you gone you Rogue reply'd the Painter you 're always picking of Quarrels 137. A Certain King kept a Fool in his Court that us'd to write down in a Book all the Follies of the great Men in the Court which Book the King sometimes when he was dispos'd to be Merry wou'd look into Now one day after Dinner the King reading of the Book found himself in it with a Story of five-thousand Pounds which he gave a Jew in his Court to go to Barbary and buy Horses with So the King ask'd his Jester why he put him in Why says he for giving your Money to one that you may never see again But says the King What if he should return and bring the Horses what Folly is it then Why if he do's replied the Fool I 'll blot out your Name and put in his for a Fool for not keeping your Money when he had it 138. Two Women scolding in the Street another of their Acquaintance came by whom they wou'd refer their Cases to No says the Woman pray Excuse me I won't meddle in it but will stand Neuter How can that be says one of them when you have been common to all the Town 139. Doctor Fuller overtook one Mr. Woodcock upon the Road falling into Discourse in a facetious manner ask'd him what difference there was between a Woodcock and an Owl supposing Mr. Woodcock had not known him He wittily replied That an Owl was Fuller in the Head Fuller in the Face Fuller in the Eyes Fuller in the Neck and

you name So the Frenchman began and pull'd one off the Spaniard's Beard crying St. Dennis then the Spaniard doing the like said St. Ignace The Frenchman pulling another cry'd St. Martin the Spaniard St. Xavier the Frenchman St. Lovis the Spaniard St. Terese the Frenchman St. Clotilde the Spaniard St. Isidore the Frenchman St. Bun the Spaniard pulling two at once cry'd St. Cosme and St. Phillip the Frenchman resolving to be reveng'd pluck'd off a whole Mustache saying The Eleven Thousand Virgins Upon this the Contest ended the Spaniard not being able to endure or parallel so great a number 6. A Countrey-fellow thatching a House had an arch Boy to serve him with Straw now there comes by a great Hog and turns up his Head as if he were listening says the Thatcher then to the Boy What does that Hog think now O says the witty Rogue I 'll warrant you he 's hatching of Mischief And while he was busie at his work on the Ladder the Boy hunted the Hog just towards it and justling against it down came the Ladder and Man and all Pox on you says this Blockhead to the Hog 't is true as the honest Boy said you were hatching of Mischief indeed for I think my Shoulder 's out and if ever I thatch for any Body hereafter I 'll make my Bargain with them that they shall all tye up their Hogs 7. Two young Scholars travelling from Roan to Paris met a Countrey fellow riding upon an Ass which brayed in such a manner as if he had been over-joy'd to be in such learned Company These Students thinking to put a trick on the Fellow said Friend why do you let your Brother cry so Can't you find out some way to still and quiet him The Fellow who was none of the dullest of the Parish that he dwelt in answered My Ass Sirs is soextreamly pleas'd to meet with his Relations and Old Acquaintance that he cou'd do no less than sing a Song of mirth and merry glee in testimony of your hearty Welcom to him 8. One told a Gentleman That he wou'd willingly marry but he wou'd have a Wife that is perfectly good To whom the Gentleman reply'd That if none but such a one wou'd serve his turn he must bespeak her for there was no such ready made 9. Two young Students were in a deep dispute about the Man in the Moon whether he was a Gentleman or a Citizen and after a great many Pro's and Con's between them one of them very wittily solv'd it thus When the Moon was at Full then there was a Gentleman in her but when she appear'd with two Horns then he might swear there was a Cit in her 10. Three Souldiers talking together were over-heard by a Courtier to say thus One said Had he a Thousand Pounds he should be happier then the King the other said Were he a Captain under the King he should be happier then he the third said That had he one Nights Lodging with the Queen he should be the happiest man in the World. The Courtier related this to the King and his Majesty for Divertisement sent for the three Souldiers the next day before him and commanded them to tell him what they said the night before at such a time The first fearing the Kings Displeasure said That he had indeed rashly said That if he had a thousand Pounds he should be as happy as the King so the King commanded a Thousand Pounds should be given him The Second begg'd his Majesties Pardon for his bold saying That had he a Captains Command under him he should be as happy as he then the King confer'd that honourable Office upon him Then the third fell upon his Knees imploring his Majesties Pardon for that he had said That if he lay one Night with the Queen he should be the happiest man in the World. Well said the King that is not in my Power to grant but if you can get her consent you shall have mine So he brought him before his Queen and told his Petition but the Queen to shew that our desires ought to be placed on suitable Objects caus'd him to be soundly whipt 11. A witty young Fellow was try'd for his Life since his Majesties Restauration and being cast they told him he must be hang'd But he pleaded in his own defence a long time at last desir'd the Judge That if he must be hang'd he might be hang'd after the new way that Oliver was three or four years after he was dead 12. One that was advis'd to marry a Widow reply'd That they were too Politick a Generation for him which he prov'd by Similies Many Voyages said he make an expert Seaman many Offices a Crafty Knave and many Marriages a Cunning False Widow 13. A Justice of Peace overtaking a Parson upon the Road between London and Bow told his Company that he would put a Trick upon him and so coming up to him said Sir You don't follow your Masters Rule for he was content with an Ass but you have a very fine Horse The Parson reply'd The Reason was because the King had made so many Asses Justices that a Clergy-man could not get one to Ride on 14. A young Gentleman of the Temple left a Note in the Keyhole of his Chamber-door thus I am gone to the Devil but if you cannot Read carry it to the Stationers at the Gate and he will do it for you 15. A Rich Man in the Countrey who was never thought to be one of Solomon's Off-spring went with his Wife to see a Child of his at Nurse when he came he very wisely ask'd the Nurse whether she was a Maid or Married she reply'd she was Married says he I 'll have no Married Woman I 'll have a Maid to be my Child's Wet-Nurse Truly Sir says she then you had best bespeak one at London for we have no such ready made here in the Countrey 16. A Valiant Fellow who had been in the West was met by a Gentleman here who ask'd him what Exploit he had done there he answer'd That he had cut off one of the Rebels Armes the Gentleman reply'd That it had been something if he had cut off his Head O said he you must consider his Head was off before 17. When Metellus Nepos ask'd the famous Roman Orator in a jearing way who was his Father he reply'd Your Mother has made that Question harder for you to Answer 18. A Rich Blade that was a very great Eater came to a Gentleman's House to Court his Daughter the Gentleman out of Civility desir'd him to stay and Dine with him which he did and Eat very heartily after Dinner he began to speak to the Lady about the matter and having utter'd several Expressions of his Passion he protested that he lov'd her as his own Soul to whom she wittily reply'd But not so well as your Body Sir. 19. A Gentleman coming into London out of the Countrey as he came by Stepny Church his Horse

she alleadging it was a Daughter and he finding himself abused orders Jack to be sent for who when he came still continued in his former saying that it was a Son whereupon the Child was produced and shown to the whole Company Jack still avers it to be a Son why thou Fool quoth the Nurse if it were a Son it should have a Cock here Cots-plut quoth the Welshman is hur in haste Would hur have a Cock there already Let hur keep hur till hur is sixteen or seventeen years old and if hur have no Cock then Hang hur 111. A brisk young Lady seeing the Sheriff of a County who was a comely young Man wait upon the Judge who was an old Man was ask'd by one which she had most mind to the Judge or the Sheriff She answer'd The Sheriff He asking the reason she replied That she lov'd Judgment well but Execution much better 112. Some Soldiers in the Camp being very Lowsy complain'd to their Captain who being a Jocose man bid them turn their Shirts and shake them telling them that the Lice wou'd have a days March at least before they cou'd come to their Skin 113. A Handsom Countrey Maid coming to Croyden Market and being very nimble leap'd off her Horse but the Pummel of her Saddle being high catcht hold of her Petticoat shew'd almost all that Nature gave her which a Gentleman standing by and seeing said Sweetheart you have a very clear Skin To whom she answer'd briskly Sir if you like it so well why did not you come and Kiss it to take your leave on 't for you are not ever like to see it again 114. Two Scots-men meeting about Dinner-time one ask'd the other to lend him Six-pence by my Troth quoth he I have but a Groat Prethy mon said he lend me that and I will trust you for the other Twa-pence 115. A young Woman having Married a great Student who was so intent on his Studies that she thought her self too little regarded by him and one day when they were at Dinner with some Friends she wish'd her self a Book that she might have more of her Husbands Company If it must be so says her Husband I wish thou wer 't an Almanack that I might change thee for a new one once a Year 116. A Gentleman alighting out of his Coach at White-Hall ask'd a Foot-man that stood there what a Clock it was Sir says the Footman what will you give me Why replied the Gentleman must I give you any thing to tell me that Yes Sir said he for we Courtiers do nothing without money 117. Two Gentleman discoursing over a Glass of Wi●e of the Affairs of England and of the several Classes of men therein One of them wittily said That in it there were neither Scholars enough Gentlemen enough nor Jews enough I can but admire at your opinion in that says the other Gentleman for methinks there are rather too many of those sorts then too few To which he replied If there were Scholars enough so many wou'd not be double or treble benefic'd If Gentlemen enough so many Peasants wou'd not be reckoned amongst the Gentry And if Jews enough so many Christians wou'd never profess Vsury 118. A Conceited Scholar that was lately come from Oxford Drinking with two or three Gentlemen at the Mitre-Tavern in the Poultrey was very brisk and airy and wou'd needs be forming of Sylogisms c. One wise one was this He bid them fill two Glasses of Wine which they did Now says he I will prove those two Glasses to be three thus Is not here one says he Yes says the Gentleman And here another that 's two says he Yes says the Gentleman again Why then says he one and two is three so 't is done Very well says the Gentleman I 'll have one Glass and that Gentleman shall have the other and you shall have the third for your pains in finding it out 119. One who had layn with his Female Servant the next day ask'd her how many Commandments there were She answer'd nine Thou Fool quoth he hast thou liv'd to this Age and knowest no better There are ten I I know said she very well there were ten Yesterday but you and I broke one of them the last Night so that there are but nine of them left 120. A witty though unfortunate Fellow having tried several Trades and fail'd in them all at last took an Ale-house and set up the Sign of the Shirt Writing under it This is my last Shift which witty Device brought him much Company and Profit 121. A Gentleman that had never been us'd to Wounds receiv'd a small Scratch with a Sword in a Tavern-Frav at which he was sadly frighted and sent immediately for a Chirurgeon who coming and seeing the Wound but slight and the Gentleman in a great fear for Sport's sake pretended great danger and therefore sends his Man with great speed to fetch him such a Plaister Why Sir quoth the Gentleman is the Wound so dangerous O Yes reply'd the Arch Chyrurgeon for if he don't make great haste it will heal of it self 122. A Woman in the Countrey that had Ten Children told her Husband that Nine of them were his and no more now he mistrusting the Parson of the Parish had been sweet upon her said Well Wife I 'll keep the Nine but I never deny'd the Clergy their due and so will not begin now for the Parson shall have the Tenth for his Tythe it being rightly due to him 123. A Countrey man coming through Cheapside with Hob-nails in his Shoes and treading in a slippery place his Heels flew up which a Citizen taking notice of in his Shop said to the Fellow How now Friend You see our City stones are so proud they scorn to let a Countrey-Clown tread on them Hah says the Countrey man as proud as they are I made them kiss my Arse 124. A Welshman that was condemn'd to be hang'd had the benefit of the Clergy granted to him and so was burnt in the Hand which when it was doing they bid him say God bless the King Nay says he God bless hur Father and Mother for if they had not taught hur to read hur might have been hang'd for all the King. 125. A huffing Young Blade coming to Epsom call'd an honest plain Countrey-man that was there to hold his Horse Can one hold him says he Yes yes says the Gallant Then you may do it your self says the Countrey man and so went away 126. A Countrey man that was very ignorant coming to the Arch-Bishops House with his Rent the Arch-Bishop coming through the Hall ask'd who ' t was An 't please your Worships Honour says the Countrey man I am come to pay you your Rent so the Arch-Bishop went out and the Servants told him he must say An 't please your Grace But the Arch-Bishop coming in again he was at An 't please your Worship's Honour they told him he must say Grace Must