merry Knight he 's of the Noddy's of the North an arch Wag indeed la. The Justice leans upon his Cane Sir John Noddy strikes it away and the Justice is ready to fall upon his Nose Sir John Ha ha ha ha ha brave Justice ha ha Just Ha ha ha ha well go thy ways thou art an arch one you would make one die with laughing ha ha ha Coll. mocking them Ha ha ha ha i'faith Sir you would make one die with laughing Pox on him is this a merry witty Knight with his Monkey tricks Sir John Faith I love to be merry my Lord my Neighbour is so pleas'd with me he 'l never be without me Just Indeed Colonel he 's excellent company he would make one burst with laughing Sir John I remember yesterday at my Lords ha ha ha ha Just What Sir John ha ha ha Sir John I laid a hot stone in the Window and his Man Tom came and ha ha ha did so horribly ha ha The Justice all the while laughs with him Col. What burn him Sir John Ay ay and he threw it away and ran for Sallet-oil ha ha ha it had like to have kil'd my Lord. Just Ha ha ha very good nay you are the best at these things in the world i'faith he is Colonel Col. As God save me but if he should use me so I would beat him exceedingly Sir John Another time one of my Lords Men stood very soberly I held my finger thus and called him Jack of a sudden and he turn'd suddenly and hit his Nose such a bump ha ha ha I had almost died with laughing and all that were by laugh'd so it was wonderful my Lord hearing it ask't what was the matter which they told him then says he I thought it could be no body but my Neighbour Jack Noddy for there is not such a witty Fellow in the whole Country again Just No more there is not i'faith Sir John Col. The Devil take me if I see any such thing he is for ought I see a most gross absurd Coxcomb Sir John But says my Lord these are gifts that Nature bestows on men on some more on some less as she pleases his Lordship is in the right they are gifts that 's the truth on 't but ha ha ha I remember another was standing by the fire I heated the great end of my Riding-rod and put it in his hand he flew such a way ha ha ha from the fire oh oh oh oh Men Women and Children laught so horribly swearing that Sir John Noddy was the best company in the Earth and the wittiest Gentleman Just Look you there Colonel he is a very merry brisk facetious person indeed Col. He is a very witty person indeed Sir John Alas Sir no not I not I by no means Sir yet I swear my Lord will seldom be without me especially at christmas if I be but away a fortnight at any time he sends poste for me he cannot be without me Col. Does no body ever take you on the pate for these things Sir John No no sometimes they I say Leave your fooling or I 'le knock you I vow I 'de teach you better manners were it not for my Lord or so then I laugh and protest I meant 'em no harm and drink drunk with 'em and all 's well again Just Ay ay why who can take such pretty innocent mirth ill Sir John And then I entertain them well at my house and my Sister makes much of them they love me the best of any Gentleman in the Shire of any Quality Col. I find you have a very good Sister that will make much of people Sir John I Sir she 's as good a Sister as any man has I thank God Col. Justice one word with you does he come to make Love to the Widow Just I believe he does Sir John gives the Justice a jerk in the Ham and laughs Sir John Ha ho oh oh hum Just Ha ha ha oh oh 'um get you gone you Wag. Sir John This is a Trick I have made my Lord laugh with till he has been ready to fall down Col. For ought I hear he is the merriest Lord in Europe Enter the Butler Just Oh how now James art thou come Butler I am glad to see your Worship well Sir John I am your Worship 's humble Servant Sir John beats the Butler's Hat out of his hand Just Butler laugh Ha ha your Worship will never leave these things ha ha Just Ha ha ha well you are the very'st arch one but dear Sir John forbear you will kill me with laughing I shall break a vein i'faith Butler Come Gentlemen will you please to take a cast of my Office and take a Cup of lusty Canary or Maroh Beer that will make a Cat speak Sir John Well said James but where 's my Lady Butler Not drest yet come Gentlemen be pleased to walk in the while her Ladiship 's a dressing Just Come Gentlemen I am for a Cup of Sack before Dinner clearly Sir John takes the Justices Cane and sets it before James who falls down Just Ha ha oh oh forbear good Sir John or I must leave you I am not able to endure it ha ha oh oh 'um Sir John Faith I cannot help it I love to be merry ha ha ha James Nay I know your Worship will never leave till your mouth be cold as the saying is ha ha ha Exeunt omnes laughing Enter Codshead walks musing Codsh Ha you are all my Rivals but there 's ne're a handsome Fellow amongst them the Devil take me I am cursing again like a Devil look there again like a Devil what shall I do to speak I see the Justice is going with the Butler he will be as drunk as an Owl drunk as an Owl why there 't is again I will bite my tongue like a Devil but that I 'le remember it again like a Devil I shall be undone what will become of me I am in a desperate condition Gad take me I shall lose the Widow now am I swearing again I will bite my tongue enough to remember it let me see your eyes Madam your bright eyes ah it was a coming your bright eyes have so enslaved me that the De ah it was just a coming there that I can no longer as I ho there it was again that Madam I can no longer call my heart my own that was pretty well You are the pretty Thief that stole it and go O Lord it was e'en out this is a cruel pain but Madam think me not rude if I apprehend your Ladiship for this Love-felony for if you do not restore my heart or give me some comfort the oh I shall be as dull as a oh hold hold it must be overcome with great labour and industry Well before I marry her I will do what I can to abstain but when I have her I am resolved to take my full swing ha there was a whole sentence without oaths or curses
you what the King said to him once upon a time that shall be nameless when he scarce takes notice of him once a year perhaps speaks to him neer Nan. Oh but they are rare men for making Love Madam Lady Faith they have but one Receipt of making Love which is like an Almanack for the Meridian of the Court and generally serves 'em for all England Quack-salvers Empiricks in Love that have but one Receipt for every thing The common High-way of Love flatter you and condemn others extol your Wit and yet think to make you a Fool praise your Vertue and yet strive to lie with you Isab And at such easie rates too swear he is your Vassal and lie at your feet nothing but lie cog flatter and dissemble which can cozen none but overweening self Lovers Lady Right Cousin they can deceive none but those that contribute to deceive themselves Nan. Lord should one suspect honest Gentlemen when they give one so good words too Lady They that do not suspect will be more than suspected Nan. For what Madam Lady For Fools Nan. But here come the Gentlemen now Madam Isabella observe Sir John Noddy 't is the merriest pretty Gentleman Enter Justice Sir John Colonel they salute the Ladies Lady Gentlemen you are welcome Sir John how do all our Friends in your Country how does my Lord your Neighbour Sir John Very well Madam I was a hunting with my dear Lord t'other day and he lighted and we all lighted and I sneaked behind one of his Gentlemen and thrust him into a plash of water ha ha ha Just Very good i'faith ha ha ha Sir John But had you seen my Lord how he laught the tears ran trickling down his Honour's cheeks he desired me to forbear or I should kill him then charged every body not to speak of it that he might tell it first when he came home Nan. Madam did not I tell you what a pretty witty wild Gentleman Sir John was Just Madam yonder are Gypsies without have told us our Fortunes if your Ladiship please to hear your's i'faith they are rare men men of excellent skill He feels in his Pocket ha hum what a Devil Oh Pox where 's my money O Devil Lady What 's the matter have the Gypsies bewitch't you Just O Lord Oh they or some body have pick't my Pocket of five pound in Silver and forty pound in old Gold Col. Truly Justice they are men of skill excellent skill Sir John Ha ha ha oh oh hum what have your Pocket pick't Justice that a man should be such an Ass Col. Ha oh Devil where is it Ounds they have done the same for me I have lost every cross Just Oh have you so Colonel Sir John I am the Son of a Strumpet if they have not got all mine too Just Ha ha ha Knight your Pocket pick't that a man should be such an Ass Knight The Cook knocks on the Dresser for Dinner carrying up Lady Come Gentlemen let 's in the Cook summons us to Dinner with that knocking comfort your selves after your losses here is money in the house you may make use of it Gentlemen if you please but let 's to dinner Just Come Madam we wait on you I shall have a hundred pound paid me by a Fellow that lives hard by you shall have what you will as far as that goes Gentlemen Sir John pulls off his Periwig and flings it away Sir John Thank you good Sir there ha ha ha oh good Justice now I am even with you ha ha Just Ha ha oh oh well go thy ways I never saw such a merry man in my life Lady What a strange Coxcomb is this Knight Cousin come Isab He is so but methinks the other is a handsom Gentleman there is a noble roughness in his countenance that speaks an honest plainness and a wise contempt of those Fools he is in company with his Mine and Air pleases me strangely Lady Allons Gentlemen Col. We wait on you Madam Ex. omnes ACT III. Lady Haughty Isabella Colonel Justice Sir John Codshead and Crambo and Nan at the lower end of the Table at Dinner Sir John COme Madam Isabella are you for some Plaice here is a great Plaice Ladies love to take place ha ha ha Just Very good ha ha ha Isab You are the pleasantest company Sir John where do you learn these things amongst the Wits Sir John No Madam Pox the Wits are dull Fellows they call themselves Wits but they are dull very dull I keep company with the Clinchers they are the rare company Col. Did ever man light into the company of such Fools Lady What are these Clinchers Sir John What are they why they are the gravest of Divines and Lawyers Judges will do 't upon the Bench at an Arraignment and sometimes your States-men are good at it they cannot forget when they were Sophisters Just Faith Madam these Clinchers are the wittiest people in the World Lady Pray Mr. Spoilwit cut me a piece of that Rabit Just Madam it is a raw bit and not a Rabit for it is not half roasted ha ha Sir John Ha ha Crambo Very good ha ha ha Codsh 'T is very good the Devil take me Crambo Again at the Devil Codsh Peace I hope my Lady took no notice on 't Col. to Isab I never knew any great Lady keep above one Fool and my Lady has four or five Madam Isab I think she had best put 'em in Livery Sir Just Here is a very good Fowl will you prove a Goose Sir John ha ha ha Sir John Ha ha no no but there 's a very good Woodcock Justice ha ha I love a Woodcock Justice ha ha Crambo Very good on both sides Col. That Poet Madam is a very dull Fellow Isab As dull a Poet as one shall see in a Summers day this man has sense and looks like a Gentleman Aside Sir John What are you for a Gull Justice ha ha ha Just No no I had as live's eat of an Owl Sir John I love not a Gull Sir John ha ha ha there I gave it him i'faith Colonel Sir John Ha ha ha very good i'faith well there is nothing like this Wit at Dinner Just Wit is never so good as at Meals it makes one digest the meat so rarely Lady Wit is indeed a fine thing but do grave Men Divines and Lawyers and Men of great business use this kind of Wit Sir John Oh ever while you live they are the wittiest people they are so full of Jests and will so laugh especially at Meals Just I'faith Sir John's in the right your Wits your flashy Wits are nothing to them when they please to be merry Sir John Oh there was a Judge that use to come our Circuit the purest company a Gentleman ask't a Lady whether she would have any Custard says the Judge Cus-turd you may be ashamed to name so uncivil a thing to so fine a Gentlewoman ha ha ha Just Passing good ha ha ha Sir
Rogue but by my Patent Footpad Why thou would'st have money enough to overcome the Grand Signior thou unconscionable Fellow 1 Rogue Faith I love to wish to the purpose but let 's in Footpad Come on but remember still that thieving is a more profitable Roguery than fidling and therefore be sure to keep thy hand in ure 1 Rogue Shall I ever live to have it said of me that my right hand forgot to steal no no never may I live to see that day Footpad Nobly spoke and like a Roman Thief I mean but here come the Ladies let 's in Exeunt Enter Lady Haughty Isabella and Nan. Lady Ha Cousin I am afraid this victorious Colonel has overcome you Isab Not so Madam but he appears the better for being amongst the Fools here Lady That 's true but prethee dissemble not with me for I find this blustring Souldier has storm'd your heart Isab My heart Madam why should you imagine it Lady 'T is so no more I 'le endeavour to mollifie this Dub a Dub this tempestuous Colonel for you Isab I beseech you Madam don't believe this of me Aside And yet to say truth I begin to believe it of my self I would I had not seen him Lady He seems to be a good honest rough Fellow and may make a good Husband here 's Nan is such an arrant Lover of Sir John Noddy she 's mawdlin for him Nan. Madam I neither can nor will dissemble he 's is so fine a witty facetious person no body needs be ashamed of him and the handsomest Gentleman upon earth Lady Come I 'le endeavour to oblige ye both come on Gentlemen you are come to take the Air. Enter Sir John Justice and Colonel Sir John No Madam I am come to take something else Lady What 's that Sir John Sir John Your heart Madam ha ha ha that was well Lady You won't rob me will you Just Prethee stand by you take her heart My bucksom Lady I am come to you An ancient Justice that in Love does sue To draw with you in that most happy yoke Of Wedlock and you 'l find him heart of Oke I know your humor 's pleasant gay and merry And so is mine you 'l find with a hey down derry Lady You 're a very merry Justice though not in your prime You have been a Spark I warrant you in your time And Sir you 're heartily welcome in Rime There 's Poetry for your Poetry Just Ha ha very good i'faith was a Spark I am still so and as merry a Fellow as any of the Quorum i'faith Sir John If mirth will please you if I make you not merry I 'le lose my Knighthood that cost me five hundred pound Why I make every body die with laughing that I keep company withal ask my Lord my Neighbour on my conscience and soul I shall be the death of him for one Lady Then 't will be dangerous venturing upon you I shall be in fear of my life for you Col. blustring up to her Stand by who is it that dares pretend to this Lady while I am present hah Sir John The Colonel 's mad he looks as if he would eat one Just Fair Lady I 'le withdraw my Suit must cease When War appears no Justice of the Peace Lady No stay what will you quit me so what are you Sir what would you have Col. I am a Souldier and to speak plain English I am for you which way you will any way in the world Lady As how good boisterous Sir you mean to make Love as they make War with Fire and Sword Col. Faith Madam I would lie with you and not marry you or marry you and not lie with you or lie with you and then marry you or marry you and then lie with you or neither marry you nor lie with you chuse which and take your course Lady Why you are all Gun-powder would you blow up a poor Widow at first Isab Did not I tell you he was a pleasant man Madam Lady I see you love War Cousin and have a mind to folow the Camp Col. Why look you in short you are a very merry Widow and I am a merry Souldier if you like me so faith make no more words on 't here 's my hand Lady and there 's an end on 't Lady But what if I do not like you Noble Colonel Col. Why then so I hope a man may keep a poor little thing of his own as the world goes when the worst comes to the worst and that will offend no body Lady Good Colonel let me be a little free with you Col. Take your course Lady Have not you been advised by some experienced frail Matron that a Widow is to be won with huffing and blustring Col. I am my own Counsellor God ye are most of you too cunning to be won by Stratagem and you must be carried by storm Lady You are a mad Colonel and I like you the better for it I hate the common Road of Woing in the Dunstable High-way of Matrimony I love to be woed fantastically but let 's see what you can do for me now Do you shew your parts and these Gentlemen shall shew theirs that I may chuse discreetly Col. What a Pox Madam do you take me for your Dog your Spaniel to fetch and carry and shew tricks for you Lady Good Mr. Mars be not so passionate Col. Ounds Madam do you think to rank me with Coxcombs Sir John Who the Devil does he call Coxcomb a Knight a Coxcomb that 's impossible Just I'faith if I thought he meant me I 'de bind him to the good Behavior a Justice a Coxcomb that were a good one i'faith Col. Death Madam I am not to be used thus Lady Then good Sir leave me to those that will be used so I will divert my self here pray take you a Walk with my Cousin in the mean time and see if she will use you better Col. With all my heart Madam give me leave to wait upon you since she 's no better company Ex. Col. and Isabella Lady Come let me see what good qualities you have give me leave to sit and judge betwixt you that I may chuse discreetly a Chair in the first place he that I marry must sing well that 's certain Sir John Oh Pox if singing will do I 'le fit you to a hair i'faith Just If I ever fail you in that Madam Lady Come on Justice and begin Just Hem will you hear how a Spanish Lady wooed an English Man Garments gay as rich as may be Deck't with Jewels had she on Lady Good Justice some other I like not that so well Sir John Ha ha ha I thought how he 'd please her Just Now I shall fit you When as King Henry govern'd the Land The second of that Name Besides his Queen he dearly lov'd A fair and Princely Dame Most parlous was her Beauty found Her favour and her face A sweeter Creature in this World Did never Prince
Poet in the world and deserves a Statue of Brass And then he did as he was wont For he took her fast by the ha ha ha But drink about a brimmer to my friends health here Justice to you Just Come on Sir John Col. Doctor wake what 's the matter Doct. Drunk drunk double double drunk Just Come let 's have one Catch i'faith I have the rarest one in the world the wittiest and the merriest Sir John Come on i'faith Justice Just Oh the merry time I have had with this Catch What if I turn this over my Thumb Then thou art no boon Then thou art no boon Companion Companion Companion Oh then thou art no boon Companion But now you shall hear But what if I turn this over my Tongue Oh then thou art a boon Oh then thou art a boon Companion Companion Companion Oh then thou art a boon Companion Sir John Very fine but Colonel you want the Drummer's health Col. I 'le drink ne're a Drummer's health in Christendom Sir John You had not best refuse my friends health I say do not provoke me Col. Provoke you why what will you do Sir John What will I do why I will beat you as long as I am able to beat you or as long as you are able to be beaten Col. Death you Rascal beat me take that Strikes him Sir John Come Sir have at you I 'le tickle your sides Just Hold hold Colonel why Sir John are you mad Doct. Ay ah Sir John are you mad Justice rises with the Chair hanging to his Breech two or three hold Sir John The Doctor wakes and runs towards them and falls down Sir John Let me go Oh my Honour my Honour I 'le cut his throat Oh let me go my Honour my Honour Col. Ne're trouble your self I shall find a time to answer you Ex. Colonel Enter Nan. Sir John Oh but my Honour my Honour Gentlemen that 's the thing Nan. How now what 's the matter here Sir John Nothing but I have been fighting a little for my Honour nothing else Just I will steal out I am something too drunk and will repose a while A pox on this Sir John for hanging this Chair at my Breech it must be he Ex. Justice and all but Sir John and Nan. Nan. Don't talk of Honour now this is the time to look after your Love Sir John Alas you cannot blame me my Honour 's dear to me but what progress have you made in my Love Nan. So much that she will marry you presently and that she says after a while will stop every body's mouth and free her from all trouble of Suitors that persecute her daily Sir John A thousand thanks good Mrs. Anne but how shall I do to be married under the Rose I am damnably drunk Nan. That 's nothing you are sober enough to speak after a Parson Sir John le make a shift Nan. But I must tell you my Lady will be married privately and with her Vail on that it may not be proved though suspected for she has some Suits at Law in her name which are near ended and if her Marriage be known or can be proved they must be begun again in your's Sir John My Lady has reason but how shall I know that it is she I may marry another instead of her Nan. You 'l know her by her rich Cloaths her Diamond Ring and her Bracelet besides you shall see her face just before Sir John That 's well sweet Mrs Anne thou shalt have thy 500 Guinnies Nan. Go you and wait you in your own Chamber I 'le bring her and the Parson to you Sir John Adieu dear Soul if I should fall asleep being drunk prethee dear Rogue wake me Nan. I will but be gone quickly Sir John Adieu dear dear Love Ex. Sir John Enter Lady and Codshead and Colonel Codsh Dear Madam believe me adad no man can love your Ladiship better adad they cannot no adad Lady Adad Sir no body loves you less than I do adad they do not no adad I have private business with the Colonel pray leave us Sir a while Codsh Well no more to be said private business with the Colonel says she is it thereabout I will cut the throat of this Colonel but I am now as drunk as an Owl I 'le go sleep first Madam I leave you to your private business Farewel Exit Codshead Lady Colonel you are a Gentleman of Quality and Worth and I will undeceive you the rest are Coxcombs and will not be answer'd Col. What do you mean Madam Lady I will never marry any man I am resolv'd to live in freedom Col. Why then it cannot be help'd there 's an end on 't Lady But if you will marry my Cousin I will add so much to her Fortune as shall redeem your Estate Col. Da God Madam and thank you too this is that I would have chosen she 's a very pretty Gentlewoman Lady Go find her and make your application to her presently Col. I will Madam your Servant Exit Colonel Nan. Oh Madam if your Ladiship does not stand my friend I am undone now is the time Lady How so Nan. I have planted Sir John Noddy be pleased to lend me your Diamond Ring and Bracelet Lady There but what then Nan. If your Ladiship would be pleased now to step up with me into his Chamber and only say to him you will come presently and then go out and put off that Petticoat and lend it me I were sure of him Lady With all my heart and much good may it do you with him Here comes the Colonel and my Cousin I 'le withdraw Ex. Lady and Nan. Enter Colonel and Isabella Col. Faith Madam I think my Lady's proposition is very reasonable and da God Madam if you can like me let 's make as few words as can be about it Isab You are the hastiest Colonel that ever was Col. Faith Madam I am in haste and that 's a sign of great Love I love you ten times better than the Widow I am an honest blunt Fellow but da God you shall find me a Man of Honour Isab I do not doubt your Honour but I must be careful of my own Col. The best way for your Honour is to marry quickly if marrying be a good thing why then the sooner the better I am honest you shall find I will love you very well and use you as a Gentleman should do and that 's the short and long on 't never stand Shall I Shall I but take my Lady in the humour Isab Good Colonel you 'l over-set me give me leave to retire and consider a while your Servant Ex. Isab Col. Nay I 'le not leave her I am resolv'd on 't till I get her in the humour Ex. Colonel Enter Footpad with Officers to be hang'd and a great many people Men Women and Children following him Officers Room for the Prisoner there room for the Prisoner Footp. Make room there 't
more but since you say the Widow will laugh I will bite my tongue but I 'le avoid it Cramb. Practise before hand and see if you can talk without it Codsh Faith I must have some other Phrase then now don't I know what to say I am as heavy and as dull as a Devil what a Devil shall I say to this Widow Gad take me she is as coy as a Devil that is she seems to be but she 'l dissemble like the Devil Pox on 't I am as sick as a Devil I am in no humour to make Love and this scurvy Widow is as proud as the Devil the Devil take her Cramb. Lord what a stir is here with the Devil this is as bad as a Dog Codsh No the Devil 's fitter for a Gentleman than a Dog I hope but I may use such Similes as these as brown as a Berry red as a Rose black as Jet soft as Silk round as a Ball sweet as Honey drunk as an Owl as strong as a Horse as dull as an Ox c. Faith these are fine smart things in discourse and fill up finely Cramb. Out on 'em common and dull fit for Fellows of no sense the Widow will never endure them I can assure you if you mean to get her leave ' em Codsh Pox on her for me I don't know what I shall do with her I must have something to fill up the chinks of my discourse If you forbid me these excellent Similes I must swear and curse bloodily the Devil take me Cramb. And be damn'd will you Codsh So one be damn'd like a Gentleman with a good grace especially when 't is the fashion to be damn'd too I think he 's a strange ridiculous Fellow that will take exceptions at it for my part I 'm sure no Man of Honour will they know better what belongs to a Gentleman than so Cramb. There 's not so foolish and impertinent a sin as Swearing not natural no pleasure though the rest of the deadly sins are pleasant very pleasant Codsh I never saw such a man in my life may not one swear by Heavens Cramb. Why that was an Oath in Kings James his time and exploded long since Codsh I have heard it was used in those days when holy Auchorites called roaring Boys dwelt in Milford-lane but what say you to by my truly Cramb. 'T is a childish Oath Codsh Believe me 't is pretty methinks Cramb. Believe me why there 's another who will believe one another now are not these foolish and unnecessary words Codsh What say you to Faith and Troth for I must have some word or other Cramb. Faith and Troth why there 's no Faith nor Troth amongst men now a days Codsh Oh Lord I have found out the finest prettiest innocent word I 'm sure will please you Adaid ah adaid no adad that 's fine very fine Adad Cramb. That 's a silly word fit only for Fanaticks to cheat with Codsh What shall I do What shall I do I have found it now I 'm sure as I am an honest man as I am an honest man so it be spoke loud and heartily with your hand at your breast and repeated often Cramb. Men may use that Phrase and never be forsworn in this Age but I 'le not allow you that nor by this light they 're Milliners Oaths and Haberdashers of small Wares to cozen with Codsh Mercy upon me what will become of me but I will use one word in despight of the Devil as she is deadly handsome deadly pretty her complexion is deadly lovely Cramb. If you do use it you will lose a friend of me and I 'm sure my Lady will laugh at you immoderately 't is ridiculous deadly lively Codsh Will you give me leave then to curse as a Plague on you Jack a Pox take you for an arch Rogue or so Cramb. By no means men are apt enough to the Pox without your cursing if you mean the great Pox. Codsh Great Pox what should I mean the small Pox take you that 's not worth the cursing but to a proud Lady's face 't is a foolish sniveling curse I would as soon say the measels take you Cramb. But none of these will I allow you they 'r foolish affectations not to be endur'd Codsh You are very rigid what will become of me neither as hungry as a Dog nor as proud as a Devil nor as drunk as an Owl nor no full-mouth'd Oaths nor midling Oaths nor your pretty little little Oaths nor Curses neither why a fashionable Gentleman should not speak at all by these Laws if these were strictly observed our Gallants would be dumb for they cannot speak without them Would you have a Gentleman to make signs or say nothing but ah ah ah like a Turkish Mute Cramb. Better than to talk affectedly or nonsensically why should men be so foolish to use unnecessary words Codsh Oh lamentable unnecessary do you call ' em Swearing is very necessary in many cases as in an Army for an Officer if he says Truly I will break your head or Truly I will hang you the Souldier will not believe it but if he lifts up his Cane and cry Zounds I 'le pay you he 'l crouch and obey Cramb. This is a sensless errour no man is thought honester valianter or truer of his word for swearing they swear on purpose to cozen these foolish by-words are nothing but custom try and break your self on 't or you will certainly be laught at and lose this Widow Codsh Well for your sake I will try but I shall ne're do 't at least I shall no joy in discourse it will be so dull and heavy Cramb. You are mistaken try in private Codsh I will but 't is very hard I 'le to my Chamber and practise Cramb. Do so and let 's meet at dinner Exeunt ACT II. Enter Justice Spoilwit and a Servant of the House Just IS my Lady at home Serv. She is Sir but she 's in her Chamber dressing Just Prethee Friend call the Butler that I may have a Cup of Sack before Dinner Serv. I will an' please your Worship Ex. Servant Enter Colonel Bounce Just Whom have we here Coll. Bounce Gad save you Coll. How do'st thou honest Justice Spoilwit Just Thank ye Coll. but what wind brings you hither Coll. Why faith there is here a rich and they say a merry good humor'd Widow and if she thinks fit I 'le venture my body with her in lawful Wedlock Just But I will forbid the Banes good Colonel Bounce Aside Enter Sir John Noddy Sir John Fa la la la Oh honest Justice how is it Just Sir John Noddy in good faith I am heartily glad to see you now we are compleat we shall be as merry as the Maids Coll. this is a Friend of mine pray know him Sir John Noble Coll. I kiss your hands Coll. Your Servant Sir prethee Justice what Butterfly is this Just Oh he is a very witty
every Blockhead 4 Rogue Would some of the Strangers would come out to us be sure they 're full of Money Footpad Come let 's roar out our Song of the Gypsies with laudable voices and that may train 'em out of the house 1 Rogue Come on let 's be merry by our selves 2 Rogue Come I love singing mightily Footpad So well that as thou livest singing thou wilt diesinging a Psalm I mean 2 Rogue Oh the brave jolly Gypsie Who often in tipsie And has strong Ale good store With a little black Whore When credit does fail With fat Hostess for Ale He grows dogged and sullen Steals her Geese and her Pullen And Linen that 's bleaching If it be within reaching 'T is juggled away By night or by day Then Fortunes we tell But stealing does well To help out the Trade Which is somewhat decay'd When Maids are a kissing Their things never missing Then we take our time And think it no crime And then the next morning Their Hue and Cry scorning We care not a straw For their Statute Law 1 Rogue Here come some of ' em Enter Justice Spoilwit Colonel Bounce and Sir John Noddy and Bulter Just We 'l take a Turn here before Dinner bring us word when her Ladiship comes down Butl. I will Sir I must go look after my Mistress Margery here are so many Gentlemen's Men I shall have one or other shap her up Just I'faith was it you that made this Musick you are brave Gypsies melodious Gypsies Sir John Where are the rest of your Company Footpad They are behind an please your Worship but I am chief All Rogues This is our Captain Just What I warrant you can tell Fortunes prethee look in my hand and tell me mine Col. Prethee Justice why wilt thou be such an Ass dost thou think they can tell Just Colonel I do assure you I have known notable understanding men men of excellent parts Gypsies 1 Rogue Sir I 'le warrant you I 'le tell you yours Col. I 'm sure I 'le give you nothing 1 Rogue 'T is no matter 2 Rogue Sir let me see your hand The Justice and Sir John give 'em money 1 Rogue By your Venus Trench You should love a Wench Col. Should why I do you Puppy and so does all the World Footpad I see plainly that you will be Knighted and marry a rich Widow As they tell their Fortunes they pick their Pockets Col. Ounds ye lying Rogues to flatter him so Just Good Sir have patience i'faith they are men of skill I know ' em Footpad How Fools will lie and help to cozen themselves Just So God save me I have known some Gypsies predict as well as Lilly or Gadbury 2 Rogue Sir it has been your mishap In your time to get a Clap. They all laugh Col. What dull Rogues these are why you Rascals is there a Gentleman that has not had a Clap Sir John Faith and Troth I have had six little and great ha ha ha Just Ha ha ha but i'faith shall I be Knighted and marry the Lady hah 1 Rogue Pray Sir let me see By your hand and this line You love a Glass of Wine Col. Why you abominable dull Rascal does not every body love Wine and Women there 's a Secret indeed why thou stupid blockheaded Puppy I could beat thy brains out if thou had'st any come a Pox on 't let 's be gone Just Nay good Colonel have patience alas you do not understand these things these are gifts Col. Gifts I 'm sure I 'le give them nothing 3 Rogue Alas Sir I am ingram man I desire no money I 'le pray for your Worship Col. Ay I think you may have wit enough for that Footpad By this Line of Honour Sir I find you 'l be made a Lord before you die Col. Come away you blockheaded Justice Just Well I come a Lord Oh brave a Lord well stay here and I 'le get my Lady to send for ye and pray let her know that she is to marry me Col. Come away poor witless Cheats poor Fools Sir John Ha ha ha look you there Justice Sir John strikes away one of the Gypsies Sticks Just Ha ha ha I thought we should have ye i'faith hah ha ho ho. Sir John Ha ha ha have I caught you Justice Sir John walks with his hand upon the Justice's shoulder whips off his Hat Just Ha ha ha you will never leave i'faith you are the pleasantest man ha ha ha Col. Come these are the silliest cheats Ex. Col. Justice Sir John Footpad Go your ways you 'l find your selves Fools by and by 'T is true you are witty but my judgment 's righter Since my Pocket's full and your Pocket's lighter Come my brave Rogues let 's be gone this was a brave booty let 's away and shift and divide lest if we should stay we may be taken and hang'd about this business All. Come away noble Captain Ex. Rogues Enter Lady Haughty Isabella Nan. Lady Where are my doughty Lovers I have stay'd a pair of minutes for 'em at least Isab Some Ladies would be as proud of such a Train of Lovers as Lawyers are of many Clients or Divines of heaps of Parishes to follow them Lady Some Lady would struct and take upon her like a new upstart Favourite to a Prince that flyes above the Gentry of his Country and uses 'em scurvily Indeed I have not much reason to triumph to day for I have none but Coxcombs Isab But you have every day variety as a Favourite has Lady And I use 'em scurvily too but yet they come and dissemble fawn flatter worship and fall down before me as if they took me for the golden Calf and I all the while look upon them with the same scorn that a new-raised Favourite does upon his Betters Nan. Did your Ladiship find such great affliction in Matrimony that you are such a violent enemy to it Lady So much as I am resolved never to be so constrained again I 'le continue as free as Nature made me why should we submit to that foolish Animal Man Let him be head I 'le keep the Fools at a distance and make them crouch Nan. But I hear of one Courtier too that is coming down that will win you the finest nice perfum'd periwig'd feather'd Person in the World Lady I know who 't is what shall I marry an outside of a man a Fellow put together by a Milliner Perfumer Feather-man and French Taylor Isab When Women fall much in love with men for their fine Cloaths I wonder they are not more in love with the Taylors that made ' em Lady A rich Suit out of an old Wardrobe would make as good a Husband I 'le give a Receipt of him Take fine rich Cloaths and do not pay for 'em take a Barber for a Counsellor rail at all but the present scorn and endeavour to depress all Arts and Sciences which he knows nothing of whisper Proclamations in your ears for Secrets tell
John There was such laughing the Ladies did so tihie under their Napkins and could not eat a bit after it i'faith but when they look't most demurely out went the Tihie again under the Napkin ha ha I am a Villain if the Tihie did not take a reverend old Gentlewoman when she was a drinking and she did squirt the Beer out of her Nose as an Indian does Tobacco ha ha They laugh Codsh This was very good Gad take me this would have made one laugh like a Devil Crambo Why are you mad will you ruine your self Codsh Lord bless me I did quite forget I was so transported at the Jest Crambo A Pox on 't I am so dull I cannot make a Quibble and yet all the bawdy Jests in my Plays are nothing else Codsh Pray Sir John give me some of that Custard for all your Jest I were a Fool if I should refuse that Custard ha ha ha that 's very good is not that very good Ladies ha ha ha Sir John Ay faith is it Cousin ha ha ha Just Excellent we are rare company talk of your Wits and your Wits and this and that i'faith they are dull Fools to us Col. Gentlemen if you have leisure for your immoderate and most incomprehensible Wit which if you do not leave it it will kill you pray drink my Lady's Health Madam your Ladiships Health Justice to you He drinks Just Tope as the French say Sir John Nay on my conscience as the Colonel says Wit will be the death of me 't will kill me at last Codsh Ay and me too the Devil Oh it was just a coming Sir John Come here 's my Lady's Health about with her I would I could have about with her Justice ha ha Just Very good very good Isab Are you not cloy'd with these fulsom nauseous Fools Madam Lady No your gross Fool is good company enough for variety I do not mean your Fool of God's making he is to be pitied but your Fool of his own making that pretends to be witty one that takes great pains to make himself a Fool. Isab Not your natural but artificial Fool. Lady Right Cousin Sir John pray cut me a piece of that Cheshire Cheese Sir John Cheshire Cheese 't is Windsor Cheese Madam Lady Im ' sure it was sent me by a Friend out of Cheshire Isab What makes you call it Windsor Cheese Sir John Because it is near Eaton ha ha ha Just Ha ha this is the best that ever was I shall die with laughing They laugh Codsh Admirable most incomparable Crambo I am so dull I cannot make one for the blood of me Nan. Sir John is the merriest Gentleman I 'le swear he would kill me to keep him company Sir John Ha ha I 'le tell you the best Jest in the World Madam a Doctor of Divinity that shall be nameless said that his Wife always gave him three Dishes Bitter Powt and Tart was it not very good Madam Lady Oh very good Just Admirable these Joques are excellent things this harmless playing upon words your scurvy Wits they are all upon things and men full of Satyr as they call it Butler Madam here 's your Grange-man Gervas and your Dairy-maid Cicely have committed Matrimony this day and desire your Ladiship will give 'em joy and will present you with a Dance Enter Gervas Cicely three Câ—â—ntry Clowns and Country Wenches with Ribbands upon their Hats Lady With all my heart where are they how now Gervas are you married Gervas Yes Madam Cicely and I are gone the way of all flesh Cicely He has overcome me Madam he has such a way with him Lady Joy to ye I 'le give you your first piece of Houshold stuff Isab And I the next Gervas Thank your Worships Lady But where 's our Dance Gervas Strike up Musicians They rise and the Table and Cloth c. is taken away They dance Lady Very well farewel much joy to you Gentlemen let us retire and about half an hour hence I 'le meet ye all in the Garden Ex. Gervas Cicely and Dancers Col. to Isabel Madam will you give me leave to wait upon you for a moment Lady I hope Mr. Crambo you are pleased to remember your promise of a little Poetry Crambo I do Madam Pox on that Colonel he 's going with my Cloris I am troubled with dulness I have such vapours in my head I am not able to write I fear Sir John pushes one of the Servants with the Service full of Trenchers Plates and Dishes upon his Nose they all go out laughing and hugging Sir John except the Butler and Servants who are removing the things Then Exeunt all but the Butler To him Enter Margery the Chamber-Maid Butler Ah Margery have you the face to look on me after what I saw just now before Dinner Marg. Why what did you see good Mr. Butler and Taylor for those are your two Titles of Honour Butl. Did not I see you in a corner laughing and playing with Sir John Noddy's Man Marg. Would not you have one civil to a Stranger you ill-bred Taylor Butl. Civil with a Pox d' e call it Marg. What you are jealous are you I defy your Yard and your Spanish Needle and your middle finger with your Corslet Thimble Butl. Marry come up Mrs. Caudle-maker you Keeper of my Lady's secrets you would hold the door for a need if my Lady were such a one 't is well her Ladiship is not lewdly given I know what you would be else Marg. Why what would I be thou Goose Butl. A Bawd a Bawd a Bawd Margery Marg. A Thief a Thief a Thief James I 'm sure one cannot be a Taylor without it Butl. You scurvy tittle tattle Tell-tale of the house that makes lies and are believ'd flatters my Lady and says the Crow's white if she says so all this for a little Money and Cloaths and then you mince and trip and amble to Church not for Religion but to show my Lady's old Wardrobe furbisht up upon thy scurvy body Marg. Scurvy body out you Prick-louse 't is as good a body and that most young Men of the house will say thou unconscionable Item of searing Candle Bumbast and Canvas Butl. There 's stiffening too good Mrs. Wasp with a sting in your tail Marg. Not so much as you should have put in you cheating Rogue you cozened me in that too Butl. Come you are rank you are rank every Dog-bolt in the house follows you with a Pox to you that will be the end of it to thy shame thou lascivious Woman Marg. Oh you base Taylor and Butler made up of shreds and chippings ne're a one of the house will say so much of me Butl. 'T is their goodness more than your desert Marg. I am sure never a Fellow of mine since I came if they speak truly but will say I have been ready to do 'em courtesies early and late I am sure of that Butl. Her tears do mollifie me I am tender-hearted
i'faith Col. Again your Explanation Doct. I profess it is as good as Damon languebat or the Devil was sick or Cum socio mingas aut saltem mingere fingas Col. But good Mr. Crambo let 's hear something of your own Cramb. I write very little of my own I borrow most Col. That 's a civil word for stealing for such borrowers never pay again Cramb. I 'le try if I can remember Where is the Man Ah hum Where is the Man Pish I protest I have such a treacherous memory Oh I have it Where is the Man that never heard Of Dido Carthage Queen Doct. Where is the man strange Just Admirable Where is the man oh lofty very lofty Cramb. Let me see Where is the Man that never heard Of Dido Carthage Queen whose Castle Walls Did loudly echo to her amorous sighs Doct. Oh admirable The Walls echo to her sighs Just Then the loud Echo to a sigh strong pithy Codsh Fine fine very fine the Devil take me Col. Why an Echo to a sigh is nonsense Gentlemen a loud Echo is worse Doct. Oh fy it is Poetical Just Very Poetical Cramb. Ay ay 't is Poetical Col. That which you mean by Poetical is nonsensical I find but come hither Waiter did you ever hear of Dido Carthage Queen Footman No by my Troth Sir not I never in my life I hope your Worship does not think so ill of me for i'faith some body has done me some ill office I never was acquainted with her in my life Just Oh 't is very fine the Colonel's Genius does not lie this way Oh very fine Pray let 's hear some more on 't Where is the man that never heard Of Dido Carthage Queen Col. taking James Here is the man that never heard Of Dido Carthage Queen Just Is 't possible Doct. What an unlucky Fellow 's this Just Oh Heaven there 's the best line that ever was spoiled by a Footman Sir John steals behind the Justice and pins him to the Chair Cramb. Lord how ignorance will overthrow Learning sometimes who would write in this Age Col. Come Justice I find you are very forward let 's hear you recite some of your Works Just Come on Colonel I 'de have you know when I was at the University I was as arch a Scab as notable a Wag as any was in the Colledge Sir John Come on Justice i'faith but put about a Glass I begin to be almost tipsied i'faith Cramb. So am I too a little overjoy'd Just Now you shall hear my University Verses the heat of my Youth I made an Elegy upon one Mr. Murrials Horse that died there Oh cruel Mors That kill'd the Horse Of Mr. Murial Oh Scholars all Of Pembrook Hall Come to his Burial Sir John Very good i'faith Just Nay when I was a young man nothing could scape me nothing i'faith Col. Ha ha very witty to 't again Justice Just Well then there was a Man his Wife Son and Daughter that died I writ this on ' em Here lies John Sanderson and here lies his Wife Here lies his Dagger and here lies his Knife Here lies his Daughter and here lies his Son And oh oh oh oh for John Sanderson Ha ha what say you hum Col. Excellent at Epitaphs both of Man and Beast Just Then some Rogues stole Sheep from one Mr. Prat I made these upon good Mr. Prat. Your Weathers were fat We thank you for that We left the Skins To buy your Wife Pins Thank her for that We left the Horns Vpon the Thorns Look you to that Ha ha there was not such a Rakehel in the Town again They saw I could not be a Divine and so I was sent to the Inns of Court i'faith Codsh I will steal away and go to my Lady Ex. Codshead Just Then at London I had such a fancy at Rebuses Libels and Lampoons this whorson riming would not leave me I made this upon one Rawly What 's indigested with the word of disgrace Is the Gentleman's name that hath a bad face Raw is indigested and ly the word of disgrace Rawly had I been catcht I had been firkt i'faith Then upon one Noel The word of denial and the Letter of fifty Is the Gentleman's name that will never be thristy No the word of denial and L. the Letter of fifty Noel Had I been known I had been paid i'faith but Wit will have its fling in spight of the Privy Council i'faith it will Cramb. I must beg leave to be gone I dare not drink more Ex. Crambo Col. Ay prethee go thou art a damn'd dull Fellow Sir John What a pox is this one of your Wits Go they are dull Fellows the Clinchers are rare men indeed give me your harmless Joques You shall hear a Clincher run from Dioper Napkin Nipkin to King Pippin i'faith in Wit I have heard a Dean do it Col. Did you ever keep company with a Dean Sir John Yes yes and with Privy Councellors too but they are too grave for me they will be asking what navigable Rivers what Commodities our Country abounds in what Market-Towns how they are inclin'd who governs the Country best but you little think what manner of man I think the wittiest man I ever met with in my life Just No i'faith Sir John fore God Colonel I begin to be as drunk as a Drum Sir John I 'le tell you now you talk of a Drum the Devil take me 't was a Drummer I spoke of Col. A Drummer a witty man Sir John Ay the wittiest Rogue my intimate friend I call him Tom and he calls me Jack for all I am a Knight he can break a jest upon his Drum would make you split your sides Col. How so Sir John He will purr upon the Velum and then rap upon the wood makes all the people laugh and forty other excellent qualities he is the best company in the world he will act any thing in the world he will act a stubble Goose flying over a Gutter he will act a company of Hogs justling in straw for room but he was old Dog at a Parret and a Turkeycock Just This is a rare man indeed Sir John On this is nothing why as well as living Creatures he would act any thing that had not life in it as a Pig upon the Spit nay I have seen him act a Windmil Col. A Windmil Sir John A Windmil any thing in the world a Weather-cock a Cart-wheel ungreas'd a door off the Hinges but he has the finest Songs in the world he sings this rarely And then he did as he was wont For he took her fast by the ha ha ha So Gentleman-like so civil it comes off without any scurrility in the world Col. Methinks 't is rude Sir John Oh by your favour Sir he means nothing if wicked interpretation wrest it who can help it Just In troth it is very pretty Sir John Oh 't is pity that the Author is forgot he was certainly the best Lyrick
I am very pale Codsh Pox on 't she should have said Your Phrases make my modesty to blush But I 'le go on come what will the Devil take me Then you appear like the new budded Rose With modest blushes of Vermilion die In your fair sight no Vegetable dare Sprout out and be so impudent t' appear In the high presence of Apollo 's Court Without your sweet and odoriferous lustre Lady Odoriferous lustre what 's that Codsh 'Sdeath she should have said My ignorance pleads my excuse 'T is damn'd cross Lady 't is Love your heart may feel that flame Lady This Fellow 's mad sure sure Sir you are troubled with Fumes like Poet Crambo Codsh Why there was another cross answer she should have said I never yet knew what it was to love I will on I 'le teach you Virgin Oh I forgot that Aside I 'le teach you Virgin Widow what it is Love is to one and does possess him all The rest of Females seem not Womankind God take me Ounds I was swearing and spoiling the Verse Contented sorrow and delightful trouble His sadness eas'd with sighs on which he lives And melancholy thoughts his harmony Her looks his day and soft perfumed speech Is Musick to his Soul and this is Love Lady Either this Fellow is running mad and has nonsense by inspiration or has got some foolish Fustian of Crambo's by heart and thinks to palm it upon me You speak most eloquently Codsh ' Sounds the Devil is in it she should have said Oh if this Love were constant Sir Oh misfortune Lady What troubles you Mr. Codshead will it not out Codsh Constant as Rocks that stand great Neptunes floods Or as the fixed Earth which never moves Or like the Gods Decrees which are unalterable Lady Indeed Mr. Codshead this was a fine pen'd Scene and spoken with skill but I cannot now stay to hear you act any longer adieu Exit Lady Codsh I am undone beyond redemption a Pox on this Poet Crambo and his Scene what shall I do But I must now about another business I must make War instead of Love and for the honour of our Family but I must cheat Sir John unto it he 'l ne're fight if he knows it for my part I am so angry I shall fight like a Devil Enter Sir John and Nan. Sir John But do you think you can bring about a Marriage with my Lady Nan. I warrant you never doubt it Sir do you make good your promise and I 'le perform mine Sir John Upon my Honour I will give you 500 Guinnies upon the nail Nan. I 'le do 't but Codshead observes us leave me Sir John Your humble Servant sweet Mrs. Anne Nan. aside Your humble Servant sweet Sir John but I intend good Sir to supply my Lady's place if it be possible he is the finest pretty wild merry Gentleman my eyes e're saw Exit Nan. Sir John With all my heart Cousin we 'l take a Walk together which way shall we go Enter James and Margery Codsh Towards the Gallows field Sir John Come on 't is a fine Walk Codsh I am sure he shall fight now or have his Throat cut Ex. Sir John and Codshead James Ay you will be showing your self with a Pox to you where the Gentlemen are still thou salacious Chamber-maid Marg. Marry come up go Snuff take Pepper in the Nose and have no Box to put it in James Oh you Lolpot you Scanderbag you Slolop Marg. You Raggamuffin you Drawlatch you Scurff you Nit. James Go you Carriers Pack you Make-bate you Spittle Marg. Are you grown so malepert you Jail bird you Mungrel you Widgeon James Oh you Face of ill Luck you Drable-tail you Drill Marg. Oh you lick-trencherly Scab you Weasel you Hang-panniâ—r James Marry Gip with a pestilence you Jilflert 〈…〉 Wriggle-tail Marg. I never wriggled to displease you you scurvy Stinkard James Go you Beggars Brat Marg. Indeed you are of an ancient Family that which belongs to your no House is an â—ld Coat powder'd with Vermine I had a Brother was a 〈…〉 for a Merchant far beyond the Sea and 〈…〉 never thou Todpool James You are of a Royal stock indeed have I not seen your Mother with a Petticoat of more patches than one can number indented at the bottom and so short I saw up to her old cruel Garters with her Stockins of three colours three stories high with Incle about her Hat knitting at the Gate for an Alms Marg. My Mother was an honest Woman I thank God and that 's more than you can say of your's James She was so ugly no body would touch her Marg. That 's false you Nit there 's not a body so ill favour'd but some good body now and then will have a charity for them You were Son to the Gold-finder of the house and were advanc'd forsooth by the Nursery-woman because they found you a bold Boy always putting forward Oh thou Epicrot thou wouldst dissemble with thy own Father James I 'm sure thou art an Epigram a great Epigram thou eatest more than all the house Marg. Oh thou art as arrant a Taylor that is a whole Thief and but the ninth part of a man James Oh you proud Slattern you have a fine place with your Vails and Nimming too how many ends of Cambrick Lawn Holland-lace Ribbands Hoods Scarfes Gloves Masks hast thou stolen Marg. Oh thou Camelion Rogue thou never mad'st any thing in the house but thou stolest something James I am sure I am an honest man and serve my Lady without ends good Mrs. Tawdry Marg. You lie you Tyger you have all the Candles ends James That 's a clinch you Quean you Marg. It is not a lie it is true what do you give me the lie in Greek which you learnt of our Chaplain James By my Troth Margery thou hast made me desperate I will do that which shall make your heart ake Marg. My heart ake why what will you do James What will I do why I will marry you Marg. Do your worst I am ready to marry you when e're you dare I think we shall ne're be quiet till we do James Why we quarrel and live like Man and Wife already we had as good marry our quarrelling then will be more Canonical Marg. 'T is all one you shall find me as desperate as you can marry when you durst James There 's no more to be said it must be so I 'le marry her to have lawful authority over her body Aside If after that the sawcy Quean dares quarrel I 'le use strict discipline and hoop her Barrel Enter Justice with a hundred pound Bag under his Arm in the Field Just This hundred pound will do well all my Rivals will be obliged to me Enter Colonel Col. Honest Justice I am glad I have met you Just Why what 's the matter Colonel Col. I am to fight a Duel just by with Sir John Noddy and Mr. Codshead is his Second and I wanted
one but now you I supply the place Just Why I am a Justice of Peace Sir Col. But you have Honour have you not Sir Just Faith yeâ— a kind of Country honour a Pox of this French honour of Duels and Seconds fighting but they have left it off and we like Fools must continue it but I 'le not deny it I was as good a Back-sword man in my time as any at Grays-Inn I tell you that I have had there many a Venue Col. You are a Man of Honour and I am obliged to you Just Faith I will mow 'em I will have a Leg or an Arm of 'em at least but what shall I do with my hundred pound Enter Footpad in the shape of a poor old Cripple Col. Let the Conqueror take it 't will be the spoil of the field by right of War Footpad I less you sweet Masters one penny to a poor Lazer for charity sake which will gain you Heaven thousands of blessed Acres for the cheap Purchase of a poor earthly transitory Penny Just Get you gone one cannot talk together for this Rascal Footpad Good Gentlemen if not for charity to be rid of me Pox on these lazy Rogues will they never come Sweet-fac'd Gentlemen Right Worshipful Right Honourable and well-beloved Gentlemen spare a penny for the poor vanquish with your bounty my numerous and horrid enemies hunger thirst cold and saving your presence lousiness that makes me itch and scratch for your money bless ye sweet Masters remember the poor Just There a Pox go with ye one can never be quiet for those Beggars Footpad A thousand blessings fall on you for your curses when they come thus attended bless you Masters bless you a plague on those Rogues will they never come what an opportunity shall we lose Col. Yonder I think I see 'em coming Just Let 'em come I fear 'em not i'faith I 'le slash 'em have at a Leg or an Arm I say Col. Ah brave Justice but what will you do with your money Just There 's no body near I think I had best make this poor Cripple hold it he looks as if he were honest Col. If he were not honest he 's alone and a Snail would out-run him Just Come hither poor Fellow Footpad Bless you sweet Master Just You must do me a courtesie Footpad I can do nothing but pray for your sweet Worship Just Take this hundred pound and hold it till I go into the next Close and dispatch a little business Footpad Alas Sir I am a poor man a wretched poor Cripple that walks on wooden Legs a Snail pace with great agony and pain alas any body may take it from me Just No I 'le trust thee with it Footpad 'T is a sign your Worship is weary of your money for the present but I 'le be faithful to your Worships Bag. Aside Now I shall do it without those Rogues Just Come take it man Footpad Oh I shall never hold it wanting my Limbs both Legs and Arms Sir Just Come try Gives him the Bag. Footpad Oh I shall never hold it Falls down with the Bag. Oh oh that ever I was born Oh the pain I suffer Oh the heavy burthen of Riches Col. I never saw such a weak Fellow in my life help him up come give him his Crutches tye it upon his back like a Knapsack They tye it upon him Footpad Oh good your Worship make haste for I am not able to sustain this heavy burthen long Enter Sir John Noddy and Codshead Col. They are come Footpad Pray hear me Gentlemen though I am a poor man I will do nothing behind your backs Oh oh I am faint oh I am weak oh oh I am ready to depart He runs away and leaves his Crutches the Col. and Justice run after the Rogue Just Stop Thief Rogue Dog Col. This is a rare Cripple Codsh Holloa what do you run from us you mighty Colonel oh Cowards hey Cowards Sir John Ay ay they run they yield come let 's be going we have the Victory without fighting prethee let 's go what should we stay for Codsh Hold I think I see them coming back again Sir John The Devil you do a plague on 'em they do come let 's be going they ran from us and that 's enough for our honour Codsh You are my Cousin German and you shall not put up a box on the Ear and a Kick if you do Sir I will cut your throat my self for the honour of my Family Sir John Pox on the honour of my Family for me would I were of another Family Codsh Come bear up and fight well 't is nothing but God take me if you offer to flinch or fight scurvily I will be in the body of you my self Sir John Oh Sir let me tell you under the Rose you have done very ill to train a man out under pretence to walk and then bring him to fight that has no disposition to 't let me tell you that I love to live in peace and quietness with all men well Beati pacifici I say Cousin you are a bloody minded man Codsh Come bear up thou shalt get Honour Enter Justice and Colonel Sir John A Pox of Honour if it cannot be had without venturing ones life for 't I ventured nothing but my money for my Knighthood Just I 'le send a Hue and Cry after him there 's no overtaking him Col. Come Gentlemen did you think we ran from ye Just Run quoth he I 'le have a Leg or an Arm I assure you before I part with you run with a washing blow I will cut off his left Ear. Sir John Oh Lord bless me Cousin a Raven flew over my head and croaked besides the Salt was spilt towards me at dinner to day what shall I do Let 's put it off till a more lucky day Codsh No putting off I tell you Col. Come Gentlemen make ready you shall find we are no Cowards Just Come dispatch I long to be at it come Mr. Codshead I must wait upon you Sir John What a Pox if I must die I had as good die fighting a Devil take 'em for provoking me to this I 'le be the death of one of 'em if I can Enter Footpad and Rogues at a distance Footpad Let 's wait here for the spoil of the field now is the time run in and plunder They fight and olose and tumble down and struggle upon the ground the Rogues come in and take away their Swords 1 Rogue Lye still all of ye or we will stick you to the ground Col. How now Rogues what 's the matter 2 Rogue Such another word and I will cut your throat Sir John Ha I see fighting's nothing but 't is a scurvy thing to be rob'd often it Footpad Come faggot them quickly Just Oh Rogues ha this was the Beggar Footpad Your upper Garments we have but now off with your Breeches we must ease you of the vanity of fine Cloaths 3 Rogue