innocency though thou didst appoint it me unto judgement for thou art just O Lord and righteous in all thy judgements for thou rendrest to every one according to his works and I feare all mine because they are the workes of darkness And I have been a worker of iniquity from the beginning and have alwaies willingly followed the works and paths of unrighteousness I have wallowed in sin as the Swine in filthiness and as the Prodigall was fed with Husks so was I delighted with filthy and evill words and grieved with earnest and profitable sayings I did communicate with those that wrought iniquity and did banquet with the chief of them and did glory in sin Being mighty in iniquity I loved to excuse and could not accuse my selfe and made heavy my heart and the more incurable is my sinne for that I did not thinke my selfe to be a sinner Neither did I not onely seek a medicine for my soule which was sick unto death but refused it being offered yea with an unreverent and untamed minde was wroth against them that would minister it unto me I despised them that reproved me and imbraced them that spake pleasing unto me and delighted in their speeches that had not their hearts right unto me I studied devices and lies in all things and loved rather darkness then light Behold O Lord I have delivered my selfe unto thee this is the course of my life wherein I have deserved thy wrath this will I answer unto thee when thou shalt ask of me But do not remember the offences of my youth nor my ignorances O Lord and enter not into judgement with thy servant for no living creature shall be justified in thy sight but if thou wilt enter because thou art a God that loveth judgment doe judgement unto me but not justice and judge me according to the judgement of those that love thy name that I may sing unto thee mercy and judgement Remember O Lord that though I am wicked yet I am thy servant and the son of thy handmaid and do not looke into the multitude of my sinnes but unto the greatness of thy mercies and when thou shalt be angry with me for my wickednesse remember thy mercy and be not angry with me for ever but have mercy upon thy afflicted servant that my soule may praise thee and confess thy mercifulness CHAP. III. VVOE unto mee wretched man because I have made my Redeemer angry with me and I have rebelliously neglected his Law and I have willingly forsaken the right way and as a sheepe that refuseth the shepheard I have been carried far and wide round about through dry unwatered places wandring in the wildernesse of wickednesse and not in the right way I have gone to all rough and unaccessible places and every where was anguish and tribulation I have beene wearied in the way of iniquity and perdition and have walked in hard wayes seeking rest and finding none because I did not seek thee O Lord but was in a barren land in the country of Death where is no rest but continuall labor affliction of spirit dwelleth there I dwelt in anguish with pleasures and amongst thornes did I make my bed and sleep in death and hoped for rest in torments now therfore what shal I doe whither shall I turne my selfe in these great dangers All the hopes of my youth are faln down and I am like one that suffereth shipwrack who having lost all his wealth swimmeth away naked being tost with the wind and sea and am driven far from the haven of happiness and doe not take hold of the way of salvation but am carried away on the left hand the enemy had placed nets for me which way soever I went and snares for my feet and I despised them and walked securely in slippery places and flattered my selfe in sins I thought youth was not held by the lawes of death and being deceived by this confidence I followed the filthy desires of the flesh and gave the reines beyond the measure of sensuality following it wheresoever the force thereof did carry me and sayd like a foole in my heart Wherefore doest thou think of the end before the middle thou hast many dayes yet remayning and mayst bee converted when thou listest so waxed I old in sin and a most wicked custome was turned into nature and now as a bondslave to sinne I serve as it were chayned and as a mad man haling his owne flesh seeketh to hurt himselfe all reason of deliberation being quenched so I more grievously and dangerously have hated my owne soule for the impenitency of my heart and obstinate wilfulnesse hath layd violent hands upon me and hath distracted and disturbed my poore distressed soule and so having brought unto my selfe the horrour of Hell every day more and more according to the hardnesse of my impenitent heart I doe heap up wrath against the day of wrath I have made triall sometimes to shake off the old yoke but am not able because it cleaveth to my bones Oh that at length it may fall from my necke that I may love thee though late It shall surely fall away if thou command O Lord and send me help from above I confesse I have not deserved it but thou O most gracious giver who makest the Sun to rise indifferently upon the good as also upon the bad and grantest temporall blessings to the unworthy even when they aske them not how canst thou deny spirituall things to those that require them have mercy upon me therfore O Lord and fulfill the desires of a poore penitent sinner thou that art rich in mercy and wont cheerefully to have mercy and doest purge the will from evil custome and hearest the groanings of those that are bound and loosest us from the bonds which wee have made to our selves unlesse wee refuse thy mercy Give thy right hand unto the worke of thy hands that when I fall I may not be bruised and that I may not be drawn into the deep pit of perdition Deliver mee from the mouth of the cruell Lion that is ready for the prey and gapeth for my soule that hee may devour it for thou onely art my protector and my deliverer and in thy mercy is my hope let thy mercy therefore be shewed unto me as I have trusted in thee Lord in thee do I put my whole trust and confidence Lord let me never be confounded CHAP. IV. MY nights pass away in grief and vex mee with innumerable terrors my Conscience shaketh mee while I am awake and I am tormented therewith as if I were wounded with a two edged sword my sleep is troubled with divers illusions bringing me no rest but travell I watch all night in my thoughts and when as being wearied I do endeavour to give some sleep to my eye-lids by and by sleep departeth from my eies and when I sleep I sleep alwayes in sorrow being wakened with an unquiet weariness from the Care of the day and all
staffe of his pitty wherefore O Lord and Father albeit I am a sinner yet I doe not cease to be thy Son because thou hast made me and new made me again like as I have sinned so correct mee and amend me commit me to the care and custody of thy only begotten Son Jesus Christ our Lord Is it possible for a woman to forget the childe of her own wombe and albeit she should forget it yet thou O most mercifull Father hast promised not to forget the same Behold I cry and thou dost not heare mee I am afflicted with griefe and thou dost not comfort me what shall I doe or say being in this extream misery alas I am altogether comfortless and which is worse am chased from thy presence wretch that I am from how great good into how great evill am I fallen whither did I attempt to go and whither am I come where am I and where am I not how is it that I that did sigh after Heaven do now sigh through so great tribulation I have sought comfort and have found affliction and truly it is better for me not to be then to be without thee O sweet Saviour It is better not to live then to live without thee the onely true life where are now O Lord Jesu thine accustomed mercies wilt thou bee displeased with me alwaies be appeased I beseech thee and take pitty of me and turne not away thy loving face from me who to redeeme mee hast not turned away thy face from those that did mocke and spit upon thee I confesse that I have sinned and my conscience doth adjudge mee worthy of damnation neither is my repentance sufficient to make satisfaction nevertheless it is a thing infallible that thy mercy doth surmount all offences whatsoever be it never so abhominable wherefore O most mercifull Lord I beseech thee enter not into judgement with thy servant but according to the multitude of thy mercies blot out mine iniquities wo be to me at the day of judgement when the Bookes of our Consciences shall be opened wherein our actions are registred when of mee it shall be openly proclaimed see here the man and his deeds committed what shal I do O Lord my God at that dreadfull day when the Heavens shal reveal my iniquities and the earth shal bear witnesse against me verily I shal be mute and able to say nothing but holding downe my head through shame and confusion I shall stand before thee shaking and blushing alas what shall I say I will call and cry unto thee O Lord my God why am I consumed being silent nevertheless if I speake my griefe will not cease and if I hold I shall inwardly be tormented with unspeakable bitterness weep O my soule and make lamentation as a yong married woman for the death of her new married husband weep and bewaile thy misery for that thy Bridegroome which is Christ hath forsaken thee O anger of the Almighty rush not upon mee because thou canst not be contained in me verily there is nothing in me that is able to contain thee take pitty of me lest I despaire of thy mercy that by despairing of my selfe I may finde comfort in thee and albeit I have done that for which thou mayest justly condemne me yet thou hast not lost thy accustomed property of shewing mercy and pitty thou O Lord dost not desire the death of sinners neither dost thou take pleasure in the perdition of those that die nay rather that those that were dead might live Thou thy selfe hast died and thy death hath been the death of that death that was due to sinners and if thou dying they have lived grant O Lord I beseech thee that thou living I may not die let thy heavenly hand help mee and deliver mee from the hands of those that hate me lest they insult and rejoyce over me saying we have devoured him How is it possible O blessed Saviour that ever any one can despaire of thy mercy who when wee were thy enemies hast redeemed us with thy most precious bloud and reconciled us to God Behold O Lord protected with the shaddow of thy mercy I run craving pardon to the throne of thy glory calling and knocking untill thou take pitty on mee for if thou hast called as to pardon even when wee did not seek it by how much more shall we obtaine pardon if we ask it remember not thy justice O blessed Saviour towards mee thy creature remember not thine anger towards mee guilty but bee mindfull of thy mercy towards me in misery forget my Pride provoking thee to displeasure and weigh my wretchedness imploring thy favour for what doth thy sacred Name Jesus signifie but only a Saviour wherefore O Saviour Jesu be thou my succour and protection and say unto my soule I am thy salvation I doe presume very much of thy divine bounty because thou thy selfe dost teach us to aske seeke and knocke at the doore of thy mercy wherefore I doe aske seeke and knock at thy doore as by thy word thou hast commanded mee to do thou therefore that willest me to aske grant that I may receive thou that dost bid me seek grant me likewise to find thou that dost teach me to knock open unto mee knocking at the doore of thy mercy recover me being diseased repair me being crazed raise mee being dead vouchsafe likewise so to direct and governe all my sences thoughts and actions in that which is pleasing unto thee that I may from henceforth faithfully serv thee and that I may live and give my selfe wholely unto thee I know O Lord that by reason thou hast made me I do owe my selfe unto thee and by reason thou hast redeemed me and hast been made man for me I do owe if I had it to give thee much more then my self unto thee by how much greater then mee thou art who hast given thy self for me I have nothing else to give thee neither can I give thee this without thee take mee therefore and draw mee unto thee that I mâ—y be thine by immitation and affection like as I am by condition and creation CHAP. IX TAke pity O Lord take pity O mercifull Saviour of mee a most miserable sinner doing things worthy of blame and worthily suffering for the same being by thee daily afflicted for that continually I am found to offend if I ponder the evill which I daily commit that which I endure is nothing in comparison of it that which I have done being much more grievous then my affliction thou art just O Lord and right is thy judgement all thy judgements are just and true thou O Lord our God art just and full of goodness neyther is there in thee any wickedness because when we doe offend thou doest not unjustly and cruelly afflict us who when wee were not hast powerfully made us and when for our sins wee were guilty of damnation thou hast by thy wonderfull mercy and goodness set us in a state of
reconciled me unto thee when thou didst abhor me for my sins thou didst send him from heaven to me to shew that thou art ready to heare him for us therefore in him I come unto thee in him I will call upon thee O my Redeemer Preserver and my Saviour to thee be praise with the Father and the Holy Spirit for ever Amen Who shall stay mee from my Father and my Brother and my Comforter I Owe God a death as his Son died for me ever since I was borne I have been sayling towards this Haven and gathering patience to comfort this houre therefore shall I be one of those guests now that would not come to the banquet when they were invited what hurt is in going to Paradice I shall lose nothing but the sense of evil and anon I shall have greater joyes then I feele pains for my head is in Heaven already to assure me that my soule and body shall follow after O Death where is thy sting why should I fear that which I would not escape because my chiefest happiness is behind and I cannot have it unlesse I go unto it I would goe through Hell to Heaven and therefore if I march but through death I suffer lesse then I would for God my pains do not dismay me because I travell to bring forth eternall life my sins do not affright me because I have Christ my Redeemer the Judge doth not astonish me because the Judges Son is my Advocate the Devill doth not amaze me because the Angels pitch about mee the grave doth not grieve me because it was my Lords bed O that Gods mercies to me might move others to love him for the less I can expresse it the more it is the Prophets and Apostles are my forerunners every man is gone before me or else he will follow after me if it please God to receive mee into Heaven before them that have served him better I owe more thanks to him and because I have deferred my repentance till this houre wherby my salvation is cut off if I should dye suddenly lo how my God in his mercifull providence to prevent my destruction calleth me by a lingring sickness which stayeth till I be ready and prepareth me to my end lik a Preacher and makes me by wofull pains wery of this beloved world lest I should depart unwillingly like them whose death is their damnation so he loveth me whilst he beateth mee that his stripes are Plaisters to salve me therefore who shal love him if I forsake him this is my whole desire now to strengthen my body with my heart and to be contented as God hath appoynted untill I glorifie him or he glorifie mee If I live I live to sacrifice if I die I die a sacrifice for his mercy is above my iniquity therefore if I should fear death it were a signe that I had not faith nor hope as I professed but that I doubted of Gods truth in his promise whether he will forgive his penitent sinners or no. It is my Father let him doe what seemeth good in his sight Come Lord Jesus for thy servant commeth I am willing help my unwillingnesses For the Morning NOw that the day star doth arise Beg we of God with huÌ„ble cries Hurtfull things to keep away While we duly spend the day Our tongues to guide so that no strife May breed disquiet in our life To shut and close the wandring eye Lest it let in vanity To keep the heart as pure and free From â—â—nd and troubled fantasie To tame proud flesh while we deny it A full cup and wanton diet That when the day light shall go out Time bringing on the night about We by leaving worldly wayes May in silence sing God prayse Amen Come Holy Ghost our soules inspire And lighten with celestiall fire Thou the anointing spirit art Who dost thy sevenfold gifts impart Thy blessed unction from above Is comfort life and fire of love 〈…〉 with perpetuall light The … nesse of my blinded sight Anoâ—â—t and cheere my soyled face With the abundance of thy grace Keep 〈◊〉 my â—oes give peace at hom Where thou art guide no ill can com Teach mee to know the father son And thee of both to be but one That through the Ages all along This may be my endles song Prayse to thy Eternall Merit Father Son and Holy Spirit A Prayer for the Morning O Lord be mercifull unto mee a miserable sinner O Lord I beseech thee let thine eares bee attentive unto the prayer of thy servant that desires to feare thy name and prosper I pray thee thy servant this day And good Lord I beseech thee send thy holy Spirit into my soule so to teach mee to pray unto thee that both my selfe and my prayers may be acceptable in thy sight O Lord my strength and my Redeemer And good Lord I beseech thee to remove all my sinnes out of thy sight that they may neither hinder my prayers from ascending up unto thee nor thy mercies from descending downe upon me And good Lord I humbly beseech thee to banish out of my heart and soule all evil thoughts and desires all fond love and affection all carnall lust and concupiscence and whatsoever else may any way hinder mee from the true love and worship of thy divine and sacred Majesty O Eternall God maker and high possessour both of Heaven and Earth looke downe I humbly beseech thee with pity and compassion upon a poor miserable distressed sinner who am not worthy to lift up my eyes towards the throne of thy divine and sacred Majesty much lesse worthy of any of thy mercies and gracious blessings which continually from time to time thou hast beene pleased to bestow upon mee for O Lord so many and so mighty are my sinnes wherewith I have offended thy divine and sacred Majesty both in thought word deed and desire that if thou shouldst enter into judgement with mee and deale with mee according to thy justice and my desert I must expect nothing but eternall death and damnation But I most humbly beseech thee for Jesus Christ his sake that it wil please thee to have mercy upon me and to pardon me all my sinnes and offences and to remove all those judgements away from mee which my sinnes have deserved and give mee grace ever heerafter to amend my ungodly life and to love and serve and honour thee truly faithfully and unfeignedly without pride presumption vaine glory and hypocrisie from these and all other deadly sinnes good Lord deliver me And good Father I give thee most humble thanks for all thy mercies and gracious blessings which continually from time to time thou hast been pleased to bestow upon me more especially for that it hath pleased thee this night past to preserve me from all evills notwithstanding all my sinnes and ill deserts Lord thou mightest have made my bed my grave and throwne my soule into the deep pit of hell hadst thou dealt with mee according
Medicina Animae Or The LAMENTATION And CONSOLATION of a Sinner Together with severall Collections out of the Holy Scriptures By Joshua Mullard I sayd I will confesse my sinnes unto the Lord and so thou forgavest the wickednesse of my sin Psa 32.6 LONDON Printed by Tho. Harper 1652. To the Reader GEntle Reader I began some part of this Penitentiall Meditation long since when it pleased Almighty God to give me a sight of my sinnes and grace to hate and forsake them It may seeme strange that I should make a publicke confession of them when they are only knowne to Almighty God and my selfe But I find David confessing his Adultery and Manasses his Idolatry and S. Paul confessing himselfe to be the greatest of sinners and also I finde that whosoever confesseth his sinnes and forsaketh them shall find mercy I must confesse I did not intend to publish them but that I was prest by many of my friends to it but more especially when I had read the judgement pronounced against the unprofitable servant that hid his Talent Matth. 25.30 I thought it more safety to shew my imperfections to men then to disobey my Redeemer and to lose my Talent I desire thee Reader to read it all over before thou censure and to pardon the imperfections thou meetst with J. M. Medicina Animae Or The great Wound cured Being Pious Meditations and Prayers on the Lamentation and Consolation of a Sinner CHAP. I. O Who shall give water to my head and a fountaine of teares to my eyes that I may bee able to bewayle the losses of my soule with greefe agreeable thereunto for there is a manifest and great cause of sorrow when with the sight of my minde I doe behold my ancient dayes and my youthfull years in this Meditation my spirit hath fayled mee for I know what I was nay rather what I should have beene and understand what I am and fear what I shall be And the lesse I sorrow so much more doe I feare I would to God I sorrowed more that I might fear less But woe to me O Lord for now a long time thou smitest and yet I sorrow not Thou callest me and yet I heare not thou knockest and yet I open not the barre of my hard heart unto thee The sorrows of Death compassed mee round about and being filled with many sorrowes without I feele inwardly no sorrow that may work unto salvation and I feele not onely sorrowes of old age but I am a man of sorrow from my youth upward and all my dayes are full of travell and griefe and yet I sorrow because that alwayes sorrowing I cannot sorrow as I ought to sorrow O marvellous and unspeakable wisdome of the heavenly Physitian O wonderfull goodnesse of the most mercifull God! O singular benefit of him that is the Giver of all good things for thou O Lord givest unto me sorrow lest I should parish in pleasures and that I may learn to rejoyce without offence thou givest me sorrow for a time that I may not suffer everlasting paine thou afflictest my body that thou mayst save my soule Thou scourgest that thou mayest heale thou killest that thou mayest quicken But alas how unwillingly doe I receive thy salve out of the secret hand of thy mercy and being ignorant doe not acknowledge the sovereigne medicine of healthfull sorrow wherein thou art mercifully severe against me and how doe I acknowledge it if earnestly I desire to be delivered from sorrow who without sorrow cannot bee healed for how can hee bee healed without sorrow who by delight is made sicke Therefore O Lord make mee to sorrow and teach mee a saving sorrow that my griefe may bee turned into joy and that I may rejoyce in thy salvation CHAP. II. DAyes passe away and yeeres slide away but I unhappy man after so many corruptions of my soule after so most grievous and long follies doe not yet repent nor am not afflicted for my sinnes but continue the often falling into them againe and care not for rising from heaping new unto old and greater unto lesse What shall I doe O Lord or whither shall I goe when my last time shall come where shall I be hidden from thy wrathfull countenance or whither shall I flie away from thy face when thou shalt call mee unto judgement and require of me an account of the talent bestowd upon me what shall I answer unto thee or how shall I excuse my negligence when thou shalt sit upon thy throne of Majesty and command me to give an account of my stewardship to the uttermost farthing Surely I have nothing to say but Lord I beseech thee to answer for me for who am I that I should answer to thee in judgement but if thou compell me to answer I wil say as a man confounded trembling and fearing O Lord I have gayned nothing thereupon but have wickedly and vainely mispent and consumed thy talent by my base living I should better have sayd by dying but then I thought I lived but I was dead because I lived without thee my true life yea the life of a wicked man may rather bee called death then life I may say I sooner began to die then live first I did not understand what life was when I had forsaken the life of lives and fountaine of life And mallice did supplant my yong age in manifold wickednesses I was scarce come out of my mothers womb but I was already a sinner comming into the world being yet ignorant of sinne I did bewaile the sinnes wherein my parents begot me neyther did I altogether leave bewailing others sinnes when I committed my own which I knew and did not bewayle Being an Infant I followed iniquity and spent my childhood wherin I should have beene pure impurely There breathed slimy vapours from the sinfull corruptions of my flesh and the spring of my youth did shadow my heart that it could not discerne light from darknesse and the clearnesse of the mind from the mist of lust and trayterous and crafty pleasures did carry my weake and forgetfull loose age into the headlong rocke of lust so as I boyled up in wicked desires to be satisfied in Hell From my childhoode I grew to growing yeeres neither was I sooner growing towards youth then my wickednesse did grow ripe and I was bold to grow wild in divers inordinate lusts by the which beeing drawn by the griefe of wickednesse I was drowned to death and destruction the evill and wicked daies of my growing years passed on and I grew towards youth but I returned backwards in filthiness and vanity And as I was elder I was a yong man and came to bee a man but Vice alwaies flourished in me instead of Vertue I waxed old and grey and did not walk in thy waies but as a child being now an Old man I lived childishly Where then at any time have I bin innocent that I should bee judged of thee according to the time of my