to dissemble himselfe a stranger to that Ceremony demanded of a stander-by what that Knight said to whom the party returned He challengeth any man to fight with him who dares deny your Highnesse to be the lawfull King of England If he will not fight with such a one said the King I will Sir Thomas Gresham OSterley House was built by Sir Thomas Gresham now it is Sir William Wallers where Sir Thomas entertained Queen Elizabeth Being there Her Majesty found fault with the Court of the House as too great affirming that it would appear more handsome if divided with a wall in the midle What doth Sir Thomas but in the night time sends for workmen from London who so silently and speedily followed their work that the next morning discovered that Court double which the night had left single before the Queen was very well pleased while a Courtier disported her with this quibble that it was no wonder he could so soon change a building who could build a Change Disputation AT an extraordinary Act of Divinity kept at Cambridge before King James when Dr. John Davenant was Answerer and Dr. Richardson amongst others the Oposer the Question was maintained in the Negative concerning the excommunication of Kings Dr. Richardson vigorously pressed the practice of St. Ambrose excommunicating the Emperour Theodosius insomuch that the King in some passion returned Truly it was most insolently done by St. Ambrose to whome Dr. Richardson replied This is a Majestick answer and befitting Alexander this is not to untie but cut the argument Sir John Cuts SIR John Cuts of Cambridg-shire was a most bountifull house-keeper as any of his estate insomuch that Queen Elizabeth in the beginning of her Reign whilest yet she had peace with Spain the sicknesse being at London ordered the Spanish Embassadour to this Knights house the Embassadour coming thither and understanding his name to be John Cuts conceived himselfe disparaged to be sent to one of so short a name the Spanish Gentlemen generally having voluminous names helpt and stuft out with Titles usually adding the place of their habitation for the elongation thereof But soon after that the Don found that what the Knight lacked in length of name he made up in the largnesse of his entertainment The Countesse of Shrewsbury MAry Queen of Scots Mother of King James being committed to the keeping of George Earle of Shrewsbury who had married a Lady of a notable pregnant and undaunted spirit the custody of so great a Princesse on the Earles cost was quickly by her found to be chargeable and which was worse dangerous the Papists of the kingdome daily practising her enlargement it hapned this Countesse coming to the Court Queen Elizabeth demanded of her how the Queen of Scots did Madam said she she cannot doe ill while she is with my Husband and I begin to grow jealous they are so great together Whereupon the Queen who liked not any familiarity of that royal Prisoner with so great and potent a Peer ordered her removall thence into the custody of others Sir Arthur Chichester SIR Arthur Chichester once Lord Deputy of Ireland being recalled thence was sent Ambassador to the Emperor by King James about that labour in vain of the Palatinate returning thence the place where he was the City of Maynchin was besieged by Count Tilly the Emperor's Generall to whom my Lord Chichester sent word that it was against the Law of Nations to besiege an Ambassador Tilly replyed That he took no notice he was an Ambassador the other rejoyned by the Messenger Had my Master sent me with as many hundred men as he hath sent me on fruitlesse messages hither your Generall should have known that I had been as well a Souldier as an Ambassador Thomas Stukely THomas Stukely the famous Glorioso was a younger Brother of an ancient wealthy and worshipfull Family neer Ilfracombe in the County of Devon having prodigally mispent his Patrimony he entred on severall projects which centred in a designe and perswasion of his being a Prince In this he was so confident that be blushed not to tell Queen Elizabeth that he preferred rather to he Soveraign of a Mole-hill then to be the highest Subject to the greatest King in Christendome adding moreover that he was assured he should be a Prince before his death I hope said Queen Elizabeth I shall hear from you when you are stated in your principality I will write unto you quoth Stukely In what language said the Queen He returned in the stile of Princes To our dear Sister Earle of Oxford HEnry Vere the seventeenth of that name Earle of Oxford and the last Lord Chamberlain of England of his Family whose sturdy nature would not bow to Court Complements but maintain what he spake came one day to the Court with a great milk white Feather about his Hat which was then somewhat unusuall save that a person of his merit might make a fashion a Lord an Enemy to his Family and one whose ancestors were blemished said in a way of jeer to him My Lord you wear a very fair Feather It is true said the Earl and if you mark it there 's ne're a Taint in it Indeed that Noble Family deserve their Motto Vero nil verius A Bite TWO Gentlemens Servants falling out one belonging to a Courtier of great place another to a Countrey Esquire fell at last to vye the noblenesse of their Masters and their superiority saith the one My master spends more in Mustard then thine in Beef whereunto the other returned The more sawcy men his Followers Mr. Richard Hackluit Mr. Richard Hackluit a very memorable person who writ that book of the English Voyages so usefull for all Sea-Men for which he deserves well of this Nation dying left a very fair Estate to an unthrift Son who embezilled it all away in a shamlesse manner vanting that be had cheated the covetous Usurer who had given him spick and span new money for the old land of his great great Grandfather Beggars Bush THere is a place called Beggars Bush in Huntingtonshire grown into a Proverb This is the way to Beggars Bush it happened that King James being in progresse in those parts with Sir Francis Bacon the Lord Chancellour having heard that morning that my Lord had prodigiously rewarded a mean man for a small present Sir Francis said he You will quickly come to Beggars Bush and I may even go along with you if both be so bountifull Name ONE immoderately boasted that there was not any of his name in all England and yet he was a Gentleman to whome one in the company returned I am sorry Sir you have never a good man of your name Sir Walter Rawleigh SIR Walter Rawleighs first admittance to Queen Elizabeths favour was from this occasion he was one day at Court after his coming out of Ireland in a very good habit his cloaths were then a considerable part of his Estate and there found the Queen walking till meeting
of the affront done him and more to his Mistresse the Queen who sent him Sir Thomas hearing of it protested his ignorance and innocence declaring that whosoever he should name of his servants that did it should suffer what punishment he would inflict All of them being then called before him he espyed the fellow that 's a Mad-man said Sir Thomas sirrah said the Herald why did you serve me so did not you tell me I might passe well enough over the Moat yea said the other for but just before you our Ducks that have shorter feet then your Horse passed to and fro without any danger King Henry the Eight KIng Henry the Eight when he dissolved the Monasteries and Abbeys and other religious Houses had a Parliament chosen for his purpose the old Men out of tenaciousnesse to the old Religion and Clergy declining their Election in whose roomes a great many young Men who had their Religion to learn from their profit and advancement were substituted in their places who carried the vote of the Country These Men did the Kings businesse and devolved all those great possessions and revenues of the Church into his hands some discourse being muttered about the rawnesse of such Councellors and it being told the King by some of his privado's what the people said of them viz. That the House of Commons had few or no Beards No matter said the King they shall sit there while they have King James a Hunting KING James with some of his Nobles having lost their way in a Forest in the persuit of a Deer came at last a hungry to the side of the same Forest where they espied a little House thither hyed the King and demanded first what victuals in the House then with some comfortable leysure the way the good wife sets before the King a good peice of powdered Beefe and a bag pudding the King and his Followers fell to eat heartily having contented his hostess rid away by the road side at some distance a boy presents himself scraping with his legs bareheaded wheron was a thick scald sirrah said the Lords cover your head have you never a cap where do you dwell In yonder cottage an 't please you pointing to the place where the King dined I had a Cap yesterday but to day my mother made use of it for a pudding bag Quoth the King it did me no harme in the eating it shall do me lesse in thinking of it come put on and let us jog it down but it stirr'd the stomacks of his Traine Sir Henry Rush SIR Henry Rush in Queen Elizabeths time had by his great expences very much impaired his estate almost to the annihilation of it He had a Son grown to yeares and discretion who seeing how the World went with his Father applyed himselfe close to the study of the Law and became a very contemplative kind of Person much different from the temper of his Father who coming one day to him with some company said to his Son after some words which he heeded not what you are musing now and building Castles in the Ayre Indeed replyed the Son I must build them there or no where for you have not left me a foot of Land to do it upon A Voyage THE Cardinal of Lorrain in the time of Queen Mary being to passe from Marseilles to Genoa in order to his Embassy to Rome took Bruschet the King of France his foole along with him as they came to be embarqued Bruschet refused objecting the danger replyed the Cardinal I have our Holy Fathers benediction in this passage Oh quoth the foole I have heard the Pope had power in Heaven Earth Purgatory but I never heard the see of Rome could command the Sea Hispaniola UPon the design of Hispaniola in a secret Counsell held by Oliver Cromwell much debate there was upon the attempt of entrance as it afterwards happened betwixt the Generals Venables and Pen in the iustant of Landing on the place in the midst of the dispute up stood Coll. Skippon saith he we are differing in opinions how we shall get in but here 's no discourse how we shall get out Cardinall Wolsey CArdinall Wolsey was building himselfe a very costly and magnificent Monument or Sepulchre to which often resorting to see how the worke went forward a fellow under the notion of a foole standing by my Lord said be you need not care how slowly it proceeds for if you would use and occupy this grave you must enter in it alive for it shall never entertaine you when dead Ambition GReat mens haughty enterprises are well castigated and reproved by a morall of a naturall who being of the scullery to King James and employed to bring the wood into the kitchin did usually pull out the lowermost billets from under the load of great stacks and being asked on a time by my Lord of Dorset who by chance espyed him a tugging of them out the reason thereof be answered he did the difficultest work first without climbing quoth my Lord This is a way to spoile a Courtier A Morall SOme Fooles together by a river side put their legs into the water when they had continued some time they knew not distinctly their own none offering to draw them out while they were assured in the interim comes a man and seeing them in this doubt gave them such a bange about the midle of their legs that they presently fetcht them out being taught by the smart to know them Applyable to Tyrants who in the stream of Prosperity mistake themselves till judgement and calamity strikes and overthrowes them Sir Thomas Roe SIR Thomas Roe sent Ambassador to the Grand Seigniour by King James at his Audience by the Prime Vizier was forced to stand through want of a seat after his business was delivered Whereupon having a Robe or Vest about him of value he threw it down and upon that seated himselfe and after a little pause rose up and left it being asked the reason of it by the Vizier he said that it was dishonourable for his Masters Ambassador either to bring or carry stooles from that Court A Polish Ambassador A Polish Ambassador was sent to Ferdinand the second Emperour of Germany and as the use and Custome of that Nation generally is to speake Latine delivered his business at a private conference in that language the Emperour likewise answered him in the same but broke Priscians Head a little That the Ambassador caught at and noted to him the Emperour smiling replyed that he had forgot he was speaking with a paedagogue while he supposed him an Ambassador Another AT Constantinople betwixt the Ambassadors of the Emperour and the French King a quarrell arose for precedency in the Church whereat that time the Frank Christians being all of the same profession had one common Church the Grand Seignior hearing of it commanded a naked Scimiter to be hung at the door of the said Church and by his declaration signified
peice of Arras presenting the Sea-sight in 88. which at severall audiences of Ambassadors hath been used for magnificence in the banqueting House as in Cromwels usurpation and wherein were wrought the living portractures of the cheifest Commanders in that service on a time a Captain who highly prized himselfe and his valour in that naval fight coming to Court and missing his picture therein complained of the injury to his friend professing of himselfe that he merited a place there as well as some therein remembred for that he was engaged in the middle of the fight Be content said his friend thou hast been an old Pyrate and art reserved for another hanging A Shoomaker no Gentleman SIr Philip Calthrop a very merry Gentleman of the County of Norfolk being newly come from Court where he had observed the fashion to be upon great dayes in those times of Henry the seaventh to wear gownes of light coloured cloath sent to his Taylor in Norwich as much cloth of fine French Tawney as would make him such a vesture It happened one John Drakes a Shoomaker of some wealth coming into the shop liked it so well that he went bought of the same as much for himself enjoyning the Tailor to make it exactly after the fashion he made the Knights who sending for his Gowne by his servant he espied another of the same in the shop and enquiring whose it was the Master told him and the order he had for the making it up This being told sir Philip he sent a new command that the Taylor should cut in his as many holes and slashes as his knife and sheares could find place for and so send it him which he did and accordingly cut the Shoomakers in the very same manner and carried it home where Prince Crispin began to be wroth but understanding it was the mode that the Knights was made his combe fell saying he would be a Gentleman no more Sir William Clark SIR William Clark a Gentleman much conversant in Court a great Masquer and acceptable to the Ladies being a man of excellent shape and goodly feature and proportion was one night at a Masque in Whitball where were present King JAMES and Queen Anne after a scene or two he having some Office or charge for that night while the stage was free passed over to the other side about some businesse and with such a stately and strutting pace befitting his present employment that a Lady knowne unto him thinking to put a jeere upon him said Sir pray have a care you hurt not your selfe by stradling so wide I wonder what ayles you to whom he he presently and openly retorted In troth Madam if you had that betwixt your legs which I have it would make you straddle a great deal wider Lord Spencer RObert Lord Spencer Baron of Wormleighton being a Man of a quick and clear spirit speaking one day in Parliament of the valour of their English Ancestors in defending the Liberties of the Nation the Earle of Arundel stood up and replyed your Ancestors were keeping of sheep that Lord and his Predecessors being known for the greatest Sheep-masters in England when those Liberties were defended If they were a keeping of sheep returned the other yours were then in plotting of Treason This animosity for the present cost both of them a confinement yet so that afterwards the upper House ordered reparations to this Lord Spencer as first and causelessely provoked Doctor Preston DOctor Preston was the greatest Pupil-monger in England in Mans memory having sixteen fellow Commoners most Heires to faire estates admitted in one year in Queens Colledge and provided convenient accomodations for them As William the popular Earle of Nassaw Prince of Aurange was said to have won a subject from the King of Spain to his own party every time he put off his Hat so it was commonly said in the Colledge that every time Mr. Preston plucked off his Hat to Dr. Davenant the Master he gained a Chamber or Study for one of his Pupils among whom one Chambers a Londoner was eminent for his learning Being afterwards chosen himselfe Master of Emanuel Colledge he removed thither with most of his Pupils and when it was much admired where all these should find lodging in that Colledge which was so full already one replyed Mr. Preston will carry Chambers along with him Sir Thomas More SIR Thomas More being committed to the Tower for refusing the Oath of Supremacy being as in his time it was the custome and also to our memory observed that the Prisoners there were not dieted at their own but the Kings charges the Lieutenant of the Tower providing their food for them when the said Lieutenant one day said unto him by way of complement that he was sorry his Commons were no better I like said Sir Thomas the dyet very well and if I dislike it turn me out of Doores A Courtier coming to him while in restraint with proffer of mercy from the King if he would comply with his Majesties will and take the said Oath he replyed that His minde was now changed whereupon the Courtier departed and told the King that Sir Thomas would submit himself to his grace in that matter which the King willing to accept gave him order to repaire to the Tower again and receive it in a forme under his hand At his return challening Sir Thomas with his promise he wondring told him that he meant only by changing his minde that whereas he had resolved to shave himselfe before his Execution he would now let his beard suffer with his head to the abashment of the man who so confidently had informed the King of Sir Thomas his conversion The same Sir Thomas during his Chancellorship had his Lady well attended by a handsome retinue especially at going to Church living then in Chelsey where her Gentleman-usher alwayes after my Lord was out of his seat after Sermon used to wait upon his Lady telling her Madam my Lord is gone It hapned that upon this score of the supremacy sir Thomas was put from that dignity whereupon the next Sunday after as soon as Church was done having the week before dismist most of his servants intending to live privately he came to his Ladies Pew himselfe and said unto her alone in passing Madam my Lord is gone meaning the Chancellor and so walkt home before her Sir Pallavicin Horatio ONe Seignior Pallavicin a Genoese who lived in England a kin to Sir Horatio boasting of his Nobility and high extraction as descended from an illustrious House was thus answered by a blunt Citizen who from mean Parentage had risen to great wealth reputation and honor and so I saith he also am come of an illustrious House where the Sun constantly shone through the rotten walls and roofes thereof My Lord Bacon IT is storied of my Lord Bacon to his advantage that when he was Lord Chancellor he had two servants one in all causes Patron to the Plaintiffe whom charity presumed always
injured the other to the Defendant pittying him as compelled to Law but taking bribes of both with this condition to restore the money if the Cause went against them Their Lord ignorant hereof alwayes did impartial justice whilest his two serants making people pay for what was given them by compact shared the money between them which in conclusion cost the Master the losse of his Office Dr. Perne DOctor Perne Master of Peter house and Dean of Ely in Cambridge this Person was very facetious and excellent at blunt sharp jests and loved that kind of mirth even so as to be noted for his wit in them This Dean chanced to call a Clergy-man fool that indeed was little better who replyed that he would complain thereof to the Lord Bishop of Ely Do saith the Dean when you will and my Lord Bishop will confirm you Yet was Doctor Perne himselfe at last heart-broken with a jest being at Court in the time of Queen Elizabeth with Archbishop Whitgift his Pupil It seemes he was noted to have altred his religion with the several raignes of Hen. 8. Ed. 6. Q. Mary and Queen Elizabeth It fell out at his being there as aforesaid the Queen was disposed and resolved that afternoon for all it rained very hard to goe abroad contrary to the mind of her Ladies on Horseback Coaches not being then common who were to attend her Now one Clod the Queen's Jester was employ'd by the Courtiers to laugh the Queen out of so inconvenient a journey which he performed in this manner Heaven quoth he Madam disswades you it is cold and wet and Earth disswades you it is moist and dirty Heaven disswades you this Heavenly minded man Archbishop Whitgift and Earth disswades you your fool Clod such a lump of clay as my selfe And if neither will prevaile with You here is one that is neither Heaven nor Earth but hangs betwixt both Doctor Perne and he also disswades you hereat the Queen and the Courtiers laughed heartily whilst the Doctor withdrew himselfe to Lambeth and there dyed out of meer conceit of this publick dictery Queen Elizabeth QUeen Elizabeth was of an undaunted courage so that once a prime Officer with a white staffe whose name for his honorable Posterities sake shall be passed by coming into her presence the Queen willed him to confer such a place now void on one of her Servants whom she commended unto him Please your Highnesse Madam said the Lord the disposall hereof pertaineth to me by vertue of this white stasse conferred upon me True said the Queen yet I never gave you the office so absolutly but I still reserved my selfe of the Quorum But of the Quarum Madam replied he presuming on her favor hereat the Queen in some passion snatching the staffe out of his hand You shall acknowledge me said she of the Quorum Quarum Quorum before you have your staffe againe Wood of Kent NIcholas Wood I cannot but observe him as a living jest and merriment of the times though the greatest grief and sorrow to himself imaginable through his Caninus Appetitus or doggish appetite he was a Landed Man and true Labourer he would eat provision for twenty men at a meal a whole Hogg at a sitting and at another time thirty dozen of Pigeons this by the modern trenchermen is called playing at a bit and so is rancked here in that Topick Bishop Bancroft THIS excellent Prelate was very much abused by virulent tongues and pens of the Puritan party being he that managed the Conference at Hampton-Court so learnedly and acutely so that as Mithridates their venemous tongues became food to him Once a Gentleman coming to visit him presented him a libell lye because false bell because loud which he found posted on his door who nothing moved hereat Cast it said he to an hundred more which lie here upon a heap in my Chamber A Pike IT is known of what voracity Pikes are being called the Tyrants of Rivers Once a Cub-Fox drinking out of the river Arnus in Italy had his head seized on by a mighty Pike so that neither could free themselves but were ingrapled together in this contest a young man runs to the water takes them both out alive and carrieth them to the Duke of Florence whose Palace was near thereunto The Porter would not admit him without promising of sharing his full halfe in what the Duke should give him To which he hopeless otherwise of Entrance condescended The Duke highly effected with the rarity was on giving him a good reward which the other refused desiring his Highness would appoint one of his guard to give him a hundred Lashes that so the Porter might have fifty according to his Composition Apes THere is a sort of Apes in India caught by the Natives thereof in this manner they dresse a little boy in his sight and undresse him again leaving all the Childs aparell behind them and then depart a convenient distance The Ape presently atyreth himselfe in the same garments till the Childs cloathes become his chains putting of his feet by putting on his Shoos as most of our Gallants doe for French fashions leaving the old English manners Lord William Cecill HE was Secretary and Lord Treasurer to Queen Elizabeth for about 30. yeares together Ancestor of the Earle of Exeter being Moderator Auleae steering the Court at his pleasure and whilest the Earle of Leicester would endure no equal and Sussex no Superiour therein he by sideing with neither served himselfe with both Incredible was the kindnesse which Queen Elizabeth had for him or rather for her selfe in him being sensible that he was so able a Minister of State coming once to visit him being sick of the Gourt at Burley house in the Strand and being much heightned with her head attire then in fashion the Lords servant who conducted her through the door May your Highnesse said he be pleased to stoop the Queen returned For your Masters sake I will stoop but not for the King of Spain Sutton the Founder of that Hospital HE got his Estate by being Pay-master at Berwick under the Queen and by being thrifty and frugall in that employment and then turned merchant He had a merchant his Comrade with whom he had Company in common but their charges were several to themselves when his friend in travel called for two Fagots Mr Sutton called for one when his friend called for halfe a Pint of Wine Mr Sutton for a Gill underspending him a moiety at last Mr Sutton hearing of his Friends Death and that he left but fifty thousand pounds Estate I thought said he he would die no rich Man who made such needlesse Expences The Kings Champion SIr Robert Dimock being by inheritance the Kings Champion at the Coronation of Henry the 7. came on Horseback into Westminster Hall where the King according to custome dined and casting his Gauntlet on the ground challenged any who durst question the Kings right to the Crown King Henry being pleased
with a plashy place the Queen scrupled to go therein presently Rawleigh cast and spread his new Plush Cloak on the ground whereon the Queen trod gently rewarding him afterwards with many suits for so free a tender of so fair a foot cloath after he had attained her open favour he found many enemies which worth never wanteth at Court besides cowardly detractions of whom Sir Walter was wont to say If any man accuseth me to my face I will answer him with my mouth but my taile is good enough to returne an answer to such who traduce me behind my back An Italian Humour LET him that will be happy for a day go to the barber for a week marry a wife for a moneth buy him a new horse for a year build him a new house for all his life time be an honest man Law Suit A Lady would traverse a Suit of Law against the will of her husband who was contended to buy his quiet I forbear the names both of them and the judge because so lately done and it becomes not the persons by giving her her will therein though otherwise perswaded in his conscience the cause would goe against her The Lady dwelling in the shire Town invited the judge to dinner though thrifty enough of her selfe treated him with very sumptuous entertainment Dinner being done the judge returned to the bench where the cause being called the judge gave it clearly against her And when afterwardes in passion she vowed never to invite judge again Nay wife said he vow never to invite a just judge any more Sir Francis Cheyney SIr Francis Cheyney made by Queen Elizabeth Baron of Tuddington in Bedfordshire of a very ancient noble family and as great and larg demesnes Patrimony was in his youth very wild and venturous so that on a time he played at dice in his travels in the quality of an English Peer with Henry the second of France from whom he won a Diamond of great worth at a cast whereupon being demanded by the King what shift he would have made to repair himselfe in case he had lost the cast I have replyed my Lord in an hyperbolicall bravery Sheeps Tails enough in Kent with their wool to buy a better Diamond then this Earle of Carnarvon THe Earle of Carnarvon who so valiantly and resolutly witnessed his Loyalty in several fights for King Cbarles the first of blessed memory who gave him his Honour was mortally wounded at the first Battel of Newbery in his agony of death he was desired by a Lord to acquaint him what suit he would have to his Majesty in his behalfe the said Lord promising to discharge his trust in presenting his request and assuring him that his Majesty would be willing to gratify his desire to the utmost of his power To whom the Earle replyed I will not dye with any suit in my mouth to any King save to the King of Heaven Ship Money THe begining of our late unnaturall broyles was among other causes inputed cheifly to the imposition of Ship-money for which Mr Hambden was condemned in the Exchequer in a penall Sume by the consent of ten of the judges who gave their opinion that that Taxe was legal only Judge Hutton and Judge Crook declared against it so that a stop was put to the levying of it whereupon a Countryman no friend to the prerogative said wittily The King may get Ship-money by Hooke but not by Crook but since that time other Taxes ten times heavyer have been taken from us by Hook and Crooke together Coat of Arms. IT is the rule general in Armes that the playner the ancienter and so consequently the more Honourable to this purpose a memorable Gentleman the beginning of whose Gentry might easily be remembred for its late rise was mocking at the plain coat of an ancient Esquire to whom the Esquire returned I must be fain to wear the Coat which my Great great great great grandfather left me But had I had the happyness to have bought one as you did it should have been guarded after the newest Fashion Extraction IT happened in the raign of King James when Henry Earle of Huntington was Lord Lieutenant of Leicestershire that a Labourers son in that County was pressed into the Wars being to go over with Count Mansfeild into Germany The old man at Leicester requested his Son might be discharged as being the only staffe of his age who by his industry maintained him and his mother The Earle demanded his name which the man for a long time was loth to tell as suspecting it a fault for a poor man to confesse so proud a truth at last he told his name was Hastings Cosen Hastings said the Earle we cannot all be top branches of the same Tree though we all spring from the same Root your Son my Kinsman shall not be pressed Complement A Gentleman a Courtier and who had potent recommendations from King James to a Lady of Quality and Honour to set off his Suit with the greatest splendor came alwayes attended with a large retinue one whereof was to be near his Person now they were only hired for that day and so dismist at night when he came from his wooing This was observed by the Lady One night therefore taing leave of her at the stayre foot where his man attended him he proffered to salute her as the good-night civility to which Spare your Complement said shee for probably I shall shortly see you again but let me I pray you salute your servant whom I shall never see again King James KING James first coined his 22. shillings peice of Gold called Jacobusses where on his head he wore a Crown after that he coined his 20. shillings and wore the Lawrel in stead of the Crown upon which mutation Ben. Johnson said pleasantly That Poets being alwayes poor Bayes were rather the Embleme of Wit then wealth since King James no sooner began to wear them but he fell two shillings in the pound in publique valuation Bishops SOon after those tumults and clamours at Westminster when thereby Bishops were outed illegally from their places in the House of Lords the assembly then sitting at the Deanes House of Westminster a reverend Bishop dyed and was buried as otherwise it could not be obtained by Mr Herle the President of that Assembly who the next day meeting with a friend of his of the Episcopall perswasion said unto him somewhat insultingly last night I buried a Bishop dashing more at his profession then person to whom the other returned with a like latitude to both sure you buried him in hop of Resurrection And this as to the sacred Function and order wee see performed Goats IT is known that Goats are the principall brood of Wales and of great bignesse and are the best food where sheep cannot be had during the restraint of Queen Elizabeth by her Sister Queen Mary in the Custody of Sir Henry Benefeild so that none were admitted accesse unto
pound when Mr Secretary told Him two Hundred was better then one which betwixt Feare and Charity Wiemark was fain to subscribe A Learned Maide A Certain learned Maid being presented to King James as a mirrour of her Sexe for her skill in Languages Hebrew Greek and Latin besides the French c. which she could perfectly write and speak The King without any wonderment askt of her introducers if she could spin and some waggish Courtiers answer'd If it please your Majesty she is at age to chuse what occupation she pleaseth Bishopricks JOHN WATSON Deane of Winchester being informed that the Bishoprick thereof being vacant would be confered on him came to the Earle of Leicester the great Favourite and privately promised him two hundred pounds that he might not be made Bishop of Winchester but remain in his present Condition The Bishoprick being void and the Queen expressing her intention to confer it on Watson the said Earle requested the Contrary and would have used arguments against his Nomination but that not serving he was forced to tell the Queen that he had promised two hundred pounds to him to keep him from that dignitie and it would be so much out of his way Nay then said the Queen Watson shall have it he being more worthy to have it who will give two hundred pounds to decline it then he that will give 2000 P. to attain it Marston Moor. ON that fatal day to the Royal cause the Lord Goring in the begining of the Battel which was about 3. a Clock in the afternoon July 2. 1644 having with great valour and courage routed the left wing of the Parliament Army wherein the Scots were placed under Lashley their Generall who upon the rout fled a Yorkeshire mile and weabit the lord Diddup a Scotch Baron lately made therein happened to be killed when the account of the battel was given to the king he came to be mentioned as a ballance to my Lord Cary eldest son of the Earle of Monmouth slain on the Kings side At the naming of which Scotch Lord his Majesty said That he hardly remembred that he had such a Lord in Scotland to which one returned That the Lord had wholly forgotten that he had such a King in England Wales A Right worshipfull Knight in Wales who had a fair Estate therein his rents arising from much barren ground heard an Englishman perhaps out of much opposition to brag that he had in England so much ground worth fourty shillings an Acre you said he have ten yardes of Velvet and I have tenscore yardes of Freize I will not Exchange with you A Welch Gentleman KING James riding late home from Theobalds to Whitehall it happened that in the mid way it fell a raining very hard whereupon the King who before kept a due pace befitting his Majesty commanded his retinue and the Gentlemen neer Him to put on and make what speed they could Among the rest there was present a Welchman a retainer to the Earle of Pembroke but newly admitted to some Office and attendance on him who by the trick or slighting of the Groome had a very ill Horse put upon him Assoon as the word was given from the King the Traine flew with swiftnesse and the King with them The Welchman he spurred and fluttered with his legs to keep pace with him and with much busle headed the party neer the Kings Person where he fell a belabouring his Horse as if he were mad the King hearing the stir he made demanded who it was and what was the matter who replyed an 't please Her Majesty Her is as good a Shentleman as the best of them but Her Cattel cannot travell so fast Lord Bacon A Parliament being called in the year 1621. Francis Bacon Lord Chancellor was outed his office for bribery the frequent receiving whereof by him or his was plainly proved yet for all this his taking just and unjust he was exceeding poor and much indebted wherefore when motion was made in the House of Commons of fineing him some thousand of pounds Sir F. S. a noble Member standing up desired that for two reasons his Fine might be mitigated into fourty shillings First because that would be paid whereas a greater summe would only make a noise and never be payed secondly the shame would be the greater when such his prodigality that he who had been so large a taker in offices was reduced to such penury that fourty shillings should be conceived a sufficient Fine for his Estate So that what he got by the tryals at Barre as Attorney he lost by the tryals at Barre as Chancellour Another THE same Sir Francis having once invited Queen Elizabeth to his Mannour of Gorhambury a pleasant seat now in the possession of the Honourable Sir Harbotle Grimston Master of the Rolles the Queen was much taken with the scituation contrivance and beauty of the Fabrick but as her constant custome was to be a Critick in Architecture told Sir Francis that the House had but one fault it was too little to which Sir Francis replyed Madam that is not the Houses fault but yours who have made me the Master too great for it K. Hen. 8. KING Henry being a hunting came to the Abbot of Readings House to dinner to whom soon after he had little or rather a big stomack and found a Surloine of Beefe then so named by the King ready for dinner the Abbot not knowing who he was not guessing it by his small retinue bid him welcome and set the Beefe before him On which the King fed heartily while the Abbot no niggard or unhospitable Preist merryly smild to see him lay no so saying in a jest Sir I would give a hundred pounds I had as good a stomack and could feed so but my appetite is quite lost say you so thought the King having thankt the Abbot departed A weeke after he sends a Pursivant to bring the Abbot up to the Councell Table by whom without further examination he was committed to the Tower where the King had given expresse order that he should be kept with a very spare dyet and no releife admitted besides this dyet soon brought up the Gentlemans stomack so that he could be glad to have had a suffolke cheese and a twelfpeny loafe set before him being in this way to his cure the King appointed a Surloine to be made ready and came and dined with him where the Abbot taking him for a friendly visitant upon the mending of his commons fed lustily Loe saith the King am not I a good Doctor your Physick shall cost you but 50. pounds for your Fees the other halfe you shall keepe and if ever you fall into the same disease pray send for me And so gave him his liberty Evesham Bridge DUring our late unnatural Warre this Evesham was made a Garrison by the King and Collonel William Leg Governour thereof storm'd afterwards by Collonel Massey with much bravery and as well maintained It happened in
took snuffe and dyed and for a Monument to all such Councellors expresly provided in his will that he should be buried in this Sink neer the place where the Toll is paid His Sepulchre and the imposition do yet continue Henry the Eight A Nobleman had killed a certain Person for which fact some Lords of his allyance interceded with the King and procured his pardon it happened soon after the same Nobleman slew another man and again the same Lords came to interpose and to prevent other then their own information did it as soon almost as the murder was committed Please your Majesty saith one of them my Lord of N. hath killed a Man but we hope Hold there said the King 't is not my Lord hath kill'd the Man but 't is the King hath done it in not suffering the Law to passe upon my Lord for the former murther Cardinal VVoolsey IT is known how inordinately and ambitiously this Prelate being then Lord Chancellor affected the Papacy King Henry knowing the mind of the Man resolved to put a trick upon him he comes therefore on a sudden and tells him he had received an expresse by his Ambassadour that it was questionlesse that Pope Paul was dead but yet kept privately by the Cardinals in Rome for fear of his Majesties prevalence in the next Election I wish quoth Woolsey some Person were chosen to that Dignity who was well affected to your Majesties service 'T were well said the King what if I procured you to be elected would your Majesty could said the Cardinal I but replyed the King money is wanting quoth the Cardinal I have three Tun of Gold by me Give me that speedily said the King I will add the rest of my own which being done Newes came that Pope Paul was alive and live likely A Memorable thing A Scot at Cassels in Hussia in the year 1610 but of a mean stature though of wonderfull agility and strength of body lying flat on his back having nothing but his shirt on sustained a stone of twelve pounds weight on his belly while three Smiths with great Iron Sledges broke it all into peeces without any harm at all done him And also at Constantinople another such Person at the Circumcision of the Grand Seignior held an Anvile at Armes end of 200. weight while two lusty Smiths forged out a Horse-shooe which done he tossed the Anvil aloft and received it again which his armes expanded He would break a steel Bow or Horshooe with his hands without any instrument or help whatsoever The Cardinal of Lorrain TO gratify this Cardinal for his great paines in suppressing the Hugenots in the raign of King Francis a messenger was sent him from the Pope with the picture of the Virgin Mary holding her Son in her hands drawn by the famous pencill of Michael Angelo This the Messenger falling sick by the way delivers to a Gentleman of Luca to deliver it withall trust and speed He having received some disgust from the Cardinal procures a peice to be drawn in Paris of the same bignesse wherein to the life were painted the Cardinal the Queens neece the Queen regent and the Dutchesse of Guise all naked their Armes about one anothers Necks and other lascivious postures with these the Lucese comes to the Cardinal and with his letters which imparted the kind of the present delivers it The Cardinal gladly accepts it and for the Honour and more gracefull solemnity of this favour invites the Cardinal of Bourbon Tournoys and Guise the Dukes of Guise Montpensier to be present after a sumptuous dinner at the opening of it where to the confusion and deserved shame of the Cardinal this obscene peice hinting at his debauchery was produced Emperour Maximilian THis Prince was very curious and inquisitively critick in his Genealogy and descent a Court Parasite to gratify the humor told him that with some industry and with his command laid on him he doubted not to derive him lineally mentioning every Generation by Name from Noahs Arke This was listned to and much time was indulged to this vanity while the sycophant had pretty well feathered himselfe by this device in some time some progresse or rather retrogresse as going backward from the top to the root being made therein while most men wondred and silently taxed this vanity but none durst crosse or reprove it the Emperours Cooke who served also as his Jester and with whose facetious quibbles he was much delighted took him up one day in this manner Sir it is neither Honourable nor profitable for you to enquire so much after the originals of your family For now saith he I as other your subjects do reverence your Majesty and worship it as another deity but if your Dignity be once brought to Noahs Arke we shall all be kinsemen for from thence we all Come then farewell all your Imperiall Glory King Charles the first IT is very certainly reported that after King Charles the first had signed the Bill for the trienniall Parliament and another whereby he declared he would not dissolve that present so terribly known by the name of Long without the consent of both Houses themselves the Earle of Dorset last deceased coming the next morning into the King Bedchamber as his Majesty was dressing himselfe saluted him with the Complement of good morrow Fellow Subject Generall Monke ADmirable and stupendious were those Actions of this renowned General towards the restitution of his Majesty and the settlement of these Kingdomes after such a horrid night of Confusions Great was his vigilance greater his prudence but greatest his reservednesse without all which having to do with those that had Argus's eyes and the old Serpents insinuations both of discovery and temptation it was impossible to humane expectation He could ever have overcome such insuperable difficulties It was his great saying and maxime that if He thought his shirt knew his thoughts and intentions he would pull it off and burn it That honest privacy is now turned to publick glory But I remember this passage also from the German Histories to have been usuall with George the valiant and illustrious Duke of Saxony Philip Landgrave of Hesse HEnry Duke of Brunswick and this Landgrave were at variance and feud it happened during the quarrel before any rupture three Noblemen subjects of the Duke being drinking hard in the Landgraves Dominions fell a threatning what they would do to the Landgrave if they had him there one would pull him a peeces with his nayles the second would run him through another would give him to be torne by his Dogs Amidst these menaces the Inne-keepers Son who was a Naturall having over-heard what they said steps into their Room and sitting down begins his story too I have perceived saith he what you could finde in your heart to do against our good Landgrave and I confesse they are exquisite cruelties but if you will listen to me who if you know me not have some understanding too wee
his word when he was chosen Speaker of the House of Commons who had sate long done nothing in effect coming one day to Queen Elizabeth she said unto him Now Master Speaker what hath passed in the House of Commons He answered if it please your Majesty seven weekes Pace PAce the bitter and tart fool was not suffered to come at Queen Elisabeth because of his bitter humor yet at one time some perswaded the Queen to admit him undertaking for him that he should keep within compasse so he was brought to her and the Queen said come on Pace now we shall hear of all our faults quoth Pace I do not use to talke of that which all the Town talkes of Bishop Latimer BIshop Latimer said in a sermon at Court that he heard great speech that the King was poor and many wayes were propounded to make him rich For his part he had thought of one way which was that they should help the King to some good Office for all his Officers were very rich Mendoza MEndoza that was viceroy of Peru was wont to say that the Government of Peru was the best place the King of Spain gave save that it was too near Madrid A Country man A Certain Countryman being at an Assizes and seeing the Prisoners holding up their hands at the Barr related to some of his acquaintance that the Judges were good for tune tellers For if they did but look upon a mans hand they could tell whether he should live or dye A Pursivant THere was a Pursivant had lodged a Gentleman in a very ill Room who expostulated with him somewhat rudely But the Pursivant carelessely replyed you will take pleasure in it when you are out of it Admiralty Mr. Giles Merrick a landed Man in the Bermudas was saying that his great Grandfather grandfather and Father died at Sea said another that heard him And I were as you I would never come at Sea why quoth the other where did your great Grandfather and grandfather and Father dye he answered where but in their beds he returned and I were as you I would never come in bed again Sir Francis Bacon WHile Sir Nicholas Bacon the Lord Keeper lived every room in Gorhambury was served with a Pipe of water from the ponds distant about a mile from thence soon after during the habitation of Master Anthony Bacon the eldest Son of Sir Nicholas in the same House the water ceased Master Anthony dying and my Lord Verulam inheriting it the water could not be recovered without great charge Being made Lord Chancellor he thereupon built Verulam House close by the pond yard for a place of recesse and privacy when he was to do any important business being one time asked why he built that House there he answered that since he could not carry the water to his House he would carry his House to the water Another A Lady walking with Mr Bacon in in Grayes Inne walkes asked him whose that peice of ground lying next under the walls was he answered theirs Then she asked him if those feilds beyond the walkes were theirs too he answered yes Madam those are ours as you are ours to look on and no more Sir Francis Bacon WHen Sir Francis Bacon was newly advanced to the great seal Count Gondamor came to visit him and to complement him on the Honor confer'd on him my Lord reply'd That he was to thank God and the King for that Dignity but yet so he might be rid of the burden he could very willingly forbear the Honour and that he formerly had a desire and the same continued with him still to lead a private life Count Gondomar replyed I will tell your Lordship a Tale of an old Rat that would needs leave the world and therewith acquainted the young Rats that he would retire into his Hole and spend his dayes solitarily and would enjoy no more comfort commanding them upon his high displeasure not to offer to come in unto him In obedience to this command they forbare 2. or 3. dayes at last one that was more hardy then the rest incited some of his fellowes to go in with him and he would venture to see how his Father did for he might be dead They accordingly went in and found the old Rat sitting in the midst of a rich Parmezan Cheese my Lord laughed but his necessityes after that employment agreed not with the Fable Lord Henry Howard IN the time of Queen Elizabeth when the distressed Estates of Holland supplicated the Queen for assistance there came one Agent from them called Caroon and when he had often moved the Queen for further succours and more Men my Lord Henry Howard jested upon him thus That he agreed well the name of Charon Ferry man of Hell for he came still for more men to encrease Regnum Vmbrarum Sir Fulke Grevil Lord Brook SIr Fulke Grevil being then a Member of the House of Commons when that House in a great business large debate stood much upon Precedents said unto them why do you stand so much upon Precedents The times hereafter will be good or bad if good precedents will do no harm if bad power will make a way where it findes none Affected Gravity MAny men especially such as affect Gravity have a manner after other mens speech to shake their head A principall officer of this Land used to say it was as men shake a bottle to see if there were any wit in their Heads or no. Arch-Bishop of Canterbury IN discourse of the Puritans and non conformists of the times who pretended to a greater measure of piety and sanctity this Arch-Bishop replyed That some hypocrites and seeming mortyfied men which held down their Heads were like the little Images in the Vaults or Roofs of Churches which look and bow down as if they held up the Church when as they bear no weight at all A Tilting IN Queen Elizabeths time when Tilt and Tourney and running at the ring was much in Fashion there came a Gentleman all in Orange tawney and ran very ill the next day he came again all in Green and ran worse there was one of the lookers on asked another what is the reason that this Gentleman changeth his colours the other answered I thinke because it may be reported that the Gentleman in the Green ran worse then the Gentleman in the Orange Tawney Sultan Selymus SVltan Selymus was the first of the Ottoman Emperours that did shave his beard as Busbequius reports whereas his Predecessors wore it long one of his Bashawes therefore asked him the question why he altered the custome of his progenitors he replyed because you Bashawes shall not lead meby the beard as you did them Consalvo the great Captain AFter a great fight there came to the Camp of Consalvo the great Captain a Gentleman proudly horsed and armed another Spanish Captain asked Consalvo who that Gentleman was who answered It is Saint Ermin who never appeares but after the storm Sir
flattery as unbecoming men to no greater a person then a Bishop he answered that it was none of his fault but the Prelat's who carried his eares in his Feet Lord Wentworth AFter my Lord Wentworth Ancestor to the Earle of Cleveland had lost Calice through want of a sufficient Garrison being forced on a sudden by the Duke of Guise to a surrender who had failed of another great enterprise on Naples the Queen never dawed day but with the complaints of Quintili redde legiones render me Calice quite spent her selfe the Lord Chamberlain delivering her one night the Key she sighed and said this is not the key of Calice which was alwayes held for the Key of France Earle of Dorset ONE Captain Beale served my Lord with hats which he prized at high and excessive rates my Lord understanding by his Steward the rate of his bills sent for his Haberdasher Sir quoth my Lord what is your meaning to set me such prizes in which there is no conscience why my Lord quoth Captain Beale we citizens must ballance accounts if you do not pay me then you cheat me but if you do then I cheat your Lordship The grand Seignour DON John of Austria was Generall at the fight of Lepanto against the Turkes where he gave them a signall overthrow this being related to the Grand Seigniour who had lately taken the whole Kingdome of Cyprus from the Venetians he contentedly said that the losse of a Fleet to him was but as the shaving of his beard which would grow again but the losse of a Kingdom was like the lopping off a member Philip the second of Spain HE was of so rare a temper that after his invincible Armado was defeated upon the English Coasts and dispersed with winds driven about the Coast of Ireland back again upon the newes thereof he only said that he sent not out that Fleet to fight against the Windes Another time having writ expresses to Flanders when they were fairly copyed he gave them to his secretary to throw sand upon them who mistaking the box throw'd Ink in stead of it and wholly defaced them he said no more but went into his Chamber and transcribed them Colonel Massey IT is commonly reported that at the seige of Gloucester before the Citizens burnt down the suburbs after the King had summoned it Prince Rupert sent word to the Governour that if he yeilded not presently he would forthwith fire him out to which Collonel Massey returned let the Prince do so and I will meet and fight with him in the Flame Lady Lambert MUch talke there was of some familiarity betwixt Oliver Cromwell and my Lady Lambert upon the device of the Instrument of Government which was cheifly assisted by Lambert upon mutuall assurances that he should succeed in the protectorship when that project took effect in December 1653 it was said by a wag that Olivers Instrument was found in my Lady Lamberts Placket Olivers Commissioners of the Treasury THere was a great complaint of money as occasion enough in the publique receits as they called them in that Parliament which was called in 1656 great stir was made for a supply among the rest an Act was propounded for the better regulation of the Exchequer which some fingerers of that money as most of them were such would have only to look forward to the future management of it saith Thurloe the Secretary Gentlemen if a man hath lost his purse whether should he look backward or forward my Lord hath lost his Purse Harry Marten THis Antimonarchical Person being condemned for the execrable murther of King Charles was after sentence he coming in upon the Kings Proclamation brought before the House of Lords to shew cause why he should not suffer due execution of his judgement to which he returned answer that true it was he could not nor did expect any favour from that House whose extirpation he had endeavorured and as to the King he acknowledged he never had observed any of his or his predecessors Proclamations save one and for that he should be hanged Lord Bruce SIR Edward Sackvile afterwards Lord Dorset was challenged by this Lord to fight with him in the low Countreys upon some fend betwixt them in the duel they were both grievously wounded yet would not give over at last it was my Lord Dorsets fortune to throw him upon a close and having him at this advantage proffered him his life no quoth the Scotch Lord I scorne to accept it at the hands of an English man and I then scorne saith Dorset to give it to a Scotch man Monsiure Bellieure WHen the King was in the hands of the Scotch at Newcastle and bargained and sold by them to the English this Monsiure being the French Kings Ambassadour came thither and seeing the sale agreed upon departed at his going away Lashley sent a Guard of horse to bring him into the English Quarters where being arrived he called for the Corporall of the squadron and having a halfe Crown in his hand demanded of him what that peice was thirty pence Sir said he even for so much the Jewes betrayed our Saviour take this among you FINIS A TABLE OF THE NAMES OF Those PERSONS in these Collections  Folio HEnry the 8. 1 Queen Elizabeth 2 Lord Hunsden 3 Lord Treasurer 4 Lord cheife Justice 5 King Wardrope 6 Shoomaker no Gentleman 7 Sir William Clarke 8 Lord Spencer 9 Doctor Preston 10 Sir Thomas Moor. 11 Sir Horatio Pollavieini 13 Lord Bacon 14 Doctor Perne 15 Queen Elizabeth 17 Wood of Kent 18 Bishop Bancroft ibid A Pike 19 Apes 20 Lord William Ceeil 21 Master Sutton the founder of that Hospital 22 Sir Robert Dymock the Kings Champion 23 Sir Thomas Gresham 24 Cambridge Disputation 25 Sir John Cutts 26 The Countesse of Shrewsebury 27 Sir Arthur Chichester 28 Thomas Stukely 29 Earle of Oxford 30 A Bite 31 Master Richard Hackluit ibid Beggars Bush 32 Name 33 Sir Walter Rawleigh ibid An Italian Humor 34 Law Suit 35 Sir Francis Cheney 36 Earle of Carnarvon 37 Shipmoney 38 Coat of Armes 39 Extraction ibid Complement 40 King James 41 Bishops 42 Welchmen 43 Another ibid Bishop Gloucester 44 The Kings Porter 45 Parson Bull. 46 Lord Goring 47 Gentleman 48 Sir Henry Marten 49 Boots ibid Sir Gilbert Talbot 50 Sir Robert Naunton 51 A Learned Maide 52 Bishopricks 53 Marston Moore 54 Wales 55 Welch Gentleman ibid Lord Bacon 57 Another 58 Henry the 8. 59 Evesham Bridge 60. Organs 61. Queen Mary 62 Disputation 63 Lord Hunsdon 64 King Philip. 65 Terme 66 Stumps the Clothier 68 Sir Thomas Wyat. 69 Henry the 8. 71 King James a hunting 72 Sir Henry Rush 73 A Voyage 74 Hispaniola ibid Cardinal Wolsey 75 Ambition 76 A moral ibid Sir Thomas Roe 77 A Polish Ambassadour 78 Another 79 Another ibid Sr. Jerome Bowes 80 Another 81 A young Maide 82 A Spanish Captain 83 Margaret Countesse of Richmond 85 An Astrologer 86 An unadvised Statesman 87 Henry the
8. 88 Cardinal Wolsey 89 A memorable thing 90 The Cardinal of Lorrain 91 Emperour Maximilian 92 King Charles the first 94 Generall Monke ibid Philip Landgrave of Hesse 95 A Fryar confessour 97 A Matron 98 A Lyar. 99 Ben. Johnson ibid Lewis the 12 of France 100 A Cavalier ibid The little or foolish Parliament 101 Peter House in Cambridge 103 Count Maurice of Nassau and Spinola ibid A Coward 104 Goldsmiths Hall 105 Count Gundomar ibid Sir Thomas Moore 106 Another 107 Again ibid Courtiers 108 Henry the 8. ibid Lord Chancellor Hatton 109 Lord Cheife Justice Richardson 110 Philip the second ibid A Courtier in Debt 111 Another 112 Hispaniola 113 Parliament Coine ibid Lord Treasurer 114 A present 115 Lord Bacon ibid Judge Popham 116 Pace the Fooll 117 Bishop Latimer ibid Mendoza 118 A Country man at Assizes ibid A Pursivant 119 Admiralty ibid Sir Francis Bacon 120 Another 121 Sir Francis Bacon ibid Lord Henry Howard 123 Sir Fulke Grevil Lord Brook ibid Assected Gravity 124 Arch Bishop of Canterbury ibid A Tilting 125 Sultan Selymus 126 Consalvo the Great Captain ibid Sir Henry Wotton 127 Businesse ibid Robert Earle of Leicester 128 Earle of Essex ibid Caesar Borgia 129 A Court Maxim 130 Sir Nicholas Bacon 131 Cornbury Parke 131 Knights ibid French Massacre 133 Treasure 134 Retinue ibid Henry the Fourth 135 Proud Prelate 136 Lord Wentworth 137 Earle of Dorset ibid Philip the second of Spain 138 Collonel Massey ibid The Grand â—ignour 139 Lady Lambert 140 Olivers Commissioners of the Treasury 141 Harry Martin 142 Lord Bacon 143 Monsieur Bellicure ibid FINIS To the Reader THE Reader is desired to excuse the Collector of these Jocoseria is in some places Names be wanting for it was neither safe nor satisfactory ADVERTISEMENT THere is lately Printed the History of the Commons War throughout these three Nations of England Scotland and Ireland The like exact account never before Printed faithfully Collected by an impartiall Hand Sold by Joshua Coniers at the black Raven in the long Walke neer Christchurch Bookes lately Published THE English â—ove◠〈…〉 worth Gold both 〈…〉 Actâ—â— with general applause now newly formed into a Romaâ—ce by the acâ—â—aâ—â— Peâ— of I. â— Gent. A Compendious Chronicle of the Kingdom of Portugall from Alphonso the first King to Alphonso the sixth now reigning Those excellent Fancies intituled Don Juan Lamberto or a Comical History of our late Times first and second Part by Montelion Knight of the Oracle ☞ A new English Grammer for Forreigners to learn English with a Grammer for the Spanish or Castilian Tongue with special Remarkes on the Portugues Dialect for the service of her Majesty whom God preserve The Life and Death of that reverend Divine and excellent Historian Dr. Thomas Fuller lately deceased Studii Legalis Ratio or Directions for the study of the Law under these heads the Qualifications for the Nature Meanes Method Time and Place of the Study by W. Phillips of Grayes Inn c. price one shilling Bookes in the Press ready to publish this Tearme AN Exact Collection of the choicest Songs and Poems from 1639. to 1661. Relating to these Times Written by the most eminent Wits A new Discovery of the French Disease and Running of the Reines their Causes Signes with plain and easy direction of perfect curing the same by R. Bunworth the second Edition corrected with large Additionals The Poor Schollar a Comedy All sold by H. Marsh at the Princes Armes in Chancery lane near Fleet-street
Curia quasi Incuria â—â—ld by Hen Marsh and Ios Coniers 〈…〉 Fragmenta Aulica OR COURT AND State Jests IN Noble Drollery TRUE and REALL Ascertained to their Times Places and Persons By T. S. Gent. London Printed for H. Marsh at the Princes Armes in Chancery-lane near Fleetstreet and Jos Coniers at the Black-Raven in the long Walk near Christ Church 1662. TO THE COURT WE invite you here to these Fragmenta Aulica peices of wit and festivity which make up the whole entertainment of the last seven Reignes of our and their cotemporary Princes Some few scraps of these have been published in miscellanies and common prostitutions of vulgar conceits and like such issues have wanted both name and place being meerly fathered on the credulous Reader Such princely incognito stories proving meer popular cheats and impostures These false citations are here rectifyed the antique Authority of them cleared being as by their presumptuous circumstances will appear truly reduced to their undoubted originals both History and other tracts of the times having been carefully and examinately considered Being thus assembled in this train and Equipage they returne to the place from whence they came as the suitablest and fittest for their reception There will be room enough amidst the throng of your businesse and employment for their entertainment and if the Genius of the place be not different from what it was as Pasquil thinks not they may perhaps justle out more serious difficulties and finde easier accesse and attainment as the aire insinuates it self where the other heavier and dull Elements cannot proceed or move of themselves Some have wondred that among all the offices at Court whose vacancies have been supplyed none have taken the reversion of Archee The publisher therefore of these Joco-seria officiously substitutes himself as to the publique Others offended with the times and the nature name and quality of the place think the whole collectively taken to be a representative body of that venerable function and that there is no want or need of him these are mad-men because they are not as fine fools as formerly But the reason is ascribed to the constant sweetnesse of his Majesties temper which intermits not nor can be interrupted so that it should need to be peiced by borrowed mirth the reparties of his own serene thoughts naturally indulging his leysure such satisfaction beyond the strains of the quickest and facetest invention There are besides many very excellent in this way of Droll who are persons of the highest Honour that contribute much to this kinde of recreation and 't is all the unhappiness of these Collections that they cannot trace nor recover the quicknesse of those discourses so that very few modern Joco's are here inserted but there is a further reason to be given of it because the presentnesse of the time will not suffer them These your disports and trifles we poor mortals admire as Oracles and conceit our discourse highly improved if we can draw in one of these stories by the head and eares to embellish and set it off in earnest they are of as much profit as delight having a smatch or râ—sâ— of the Humor of 〈…〉 they pasâ—◠〈…〉 â—â—â—etent view they are submitted with a presumption they will not be even to you uselesse and unacceptable Yours T. S. COURT AND STATE JESTS OR Noble Drollery K. Hen. 8. A Company of little Boyes were by their Schoolmaster not many yeares since appointed to Act the play of King Henry the eight and one who had the presence or the absence rather as being of a whining voice puling spirit consumptive body was appointed to personate King Henry himselfe only because he had the richest cloaths and his Parents the best people of the parish but when he had spoke his speech rather like a Mouse then a Man one of his fellow Actors told him If you speak not HOH with a better spirit and voyce your Parliament will not grant you a Farthing Queen Elizabeth QUeen Elizabeth a great lover of her Clergy especially of the persons and acquaintance of those of the Prelacy or the next dignities to it took much delight in and highly valued the company of one Doctor David Whithead an accurate disputant and a very facetious person of a conscientious bluntness wherein one handsome clash or reported hapned The Queen one day who had not the same respects for married Clergy men said unto him Whithead I love thee the better because thou art unmarried In truth Madam said he I like you the worse because you are unmarried Henry Cary. HEnry Cary Lord Hunsdon something a Kin to Queen Elizabeth Ancestor to the Honourable Houses of Dover and Monmouth was a stout and great spirited Gentleman very cholerick but not malicious and a lover of men of their Hands Once one Mr. Colt to whom he owed a grudge met him coming from his House at Hunsdon to London with a Lordly retinue my Lord gave Colt a box of the eare Colt presently returned it with interest therupon my Lord servants drawing their swords swarmed about him you Rogues said the L â— may not I and my Neighbour change a blow but you must interpose so the quarrel began and ended in a moment Lord Treasurer LYonel Lord Cranfeild bred a Merchant in London who was said to be his Tutor and own university was especially conversant about the Custome-house which was the seminary of his Fortune He being made Lord Treasurer by King James 1612. having married a Kinswoman of the D. of Buckingham thought himselfe able not only to stand with out but in some cases against him which the Duke not enduring he was outed of his Treasurersship after he had held it four years and fined to the King in a very great summe How ever losing his Office he saved himselfe departing from that Office in an Age when it was hard to keep it Insomuch that one asking what was good to preserve life was answered get to be Lord Treasurer for they seldome dye in their Places proved to be true for four successions The Office of Lord Treasurer was alwayes beheld as a place of great trust and profit One well skilled in the perquifit ther of being demanded what he conceived the yearly value of the place might be worth made answer That it might be worth some thousands of pounds to him who after his death would goe instantly to heaven twice as much to him who would goe to Purgatory and No body knowes what to him who would adventure to go to Hell Cheife Justice THe Cheife Justice of the Common Pleas is in place beneath in profit above the Lord cheife Justice for this reason Sir Edward Montague in Henry the eights being demanded the reason of degrading himselfe from the Kings bench to the other cheife justiceship answered I am now an old man and love the Kitchin better then the Hall the warmest place best suiting with my Age. The Kings Wardrope IN the Kings Wardrope is a rich
that Town one of the Garrison Horsemen going over the Bridge while the Town was in a hurry his Horse startled took a freake and leapt with his rider from off the Bridge into the River being a dangerous fall but coming plump down Horse and Man over head and eares swom out safely to the shore The Gentleman spurs him up and brings him to the same place of the Bridge again Quoth he you did it with a vengance before for your own pleasure you shall leape it again now for mine and so spurd him over and it pleased God they both came safe out again to the astonishment of the spectators Organs A Gentleman would needs invite a Lady to see the order and beauty of the Kings Chappell and one day waited upon her thither just as they came to the Door to enter the Organs went he takes her in his hand to presse through no indeed Sir saith she holding back I pray excuse me I do assure you I cannot dance Queen Mary GReat hopes there were by the Papists that Queen Mary was with Child nor did she think other of her selfe so that by Whitsontide it was expected she should be brought a bed many Processions and set prayers to the purpose were used a solemne thanksgiving for her inpregnation the time of her delivery thus Calculated neer thereabouts a Rumor was presently spread that the Queen was delivered of a hopefull Prince whereupon many bonfires were made in London with ringing of Bells and such like expressions of joy and the like solemnities were used soon after by the English at Antwerp In all which as there seemed a spice of madness yet none was altogether so wild as the Curate of St Anns neer Aldersgate who took upon him after the end of the procession to describe the proportion of the Child how fair how beautyfull and a great Prince it was adding The like whereof had never been seen Disputation AT the disputation at Oxford in Q. Maries Times between the Papists Doctor Arch Bishop Cranmer Bishop Ridley and Latimer then disputing for their lives Doctor Weston the Prolocutor opened the business in hand with this preface you must know that Transubstantiation was the thing to be maintained by the Romanists ye are assembled hither brethren this day to confound that detestable Heresy of the verity of the body of Christ in the Sacrament this occasioned no small shame in some more laughter in others which was heightned by as bad a solecisme in his behaviour for during the whole time of the coutroversy he had alwayes a cup of Wine or other good liquor standing by him when a cogent argument for their side which he well liked was urged having the cup in his hand he cryed out follow this insist upon this this makes for us which was spoken too in as bad Latin as manners Lord Hunsdon SIR Henry Cary of whom before was a great fauourite of Queen Elizabeths and who did her good service of which she was no heedlesse regarder in any of her subjects It is reported of him as cheife part of his Character that his Latin and his dissimulation and Courtship were alike false He was designed Earl of Wilishire but the Queen for some reasons delayed the investiture falling dangerously sick to comfort and revive him she then caused the Earles robes and the Patent to be brought to his bed side and there would have created him No Madam said the stout Lord you thought me not worthy of them while I was living and I thinke my selfe unworthy of them now I am a dying King Philip. CHarles the 5. having resigned all his hereditary Crownes and Dominions except the Empire of Germany to King Philip the second his son who was by the marriage with Queen Mary the potent'st Prince in Europe betook himselfe to a retired life in the Monastery of St Justus having then scarce attained to the 55. year of his life to the great admiration of all the World After which act he found himselfe so abandoned by all his followers that sitting up late at night in conference with Seldius his Brothers Ambassador he had not a servant within call to light the Gentlemen down stayres whereupon the Emperour took the candle into his own hands and would needes in his own person performe that office and having brought him to the top of the stayres said unto him Remember Seldius that thou hast known the Emperour Charles whom thou hast seen in the head of so many Armies reduced to so low a state as to performe the office of an ordinary servant to his Brothers Minster Terme IN the 5. of Queen Mary 1558 there was such a thin Terme that there was but one Lawyer in the Kings Bench Mr Foster and one Serjeant Mr Bouloise at the Common Pleas both having little more to do then to look about them and the Judges not more to do then the Lawyers had who in the quiet times were much increased as may be gathered from the words of Heiwood the old Epigrammatist and one much made of by this Queen who being told of the great number of them and that the multitude of them would impoverish the whole profession made answer No for that alwayes the more Spaniels there were in the field the more was the Game Stumps the Clothier KIng Henry the Eight hunting neer Malmsborough in the County of Wiltshire where this Tho. Stumps dwelt in Bredon Forrest came with all his Court Train unexpected to this Clothier being a Man of great wealth and the greatest Trade of cloathing in England But great House-keepers are as seldome surprized with guests as vigilant Captaines with enemies for Stumps hearing thereof commands his little Army of Workmen which he fed daily in his House to fast one meal until night which they might easily do without endangering their health and with the same provision gave the King and his Court Train though not so delicious and various most wholesome and plentifull entertainment Sir Thomas Wyat. SIR Thomas Wyat engaging in that Rebellion of Henry Gray Duke of Suffolk against Queen Mary upon pretence of her matching with a forrain Popish Prince being suspected thereof by the Queen was warned from her by a Herald at Armes sent to him to desist from further intelligence or commotion in that businesse on his allegiance and the penalties of Treason and Rebellion The Herald coming to Sir Thomas his House in Kent with his Coat Armour on his back found it to be moated round and the draw Bridge drawn up whereupon espying a Man walking on the other side he called to him told him the hast of his businesse and enquiring whether there was no passing over nor shallowes in the place The Man replyed yes he might go over there The Herald attempting it was souced over head and eares and his life endangered but recovering the bank he alighted from his Horse and with great fury and anger came storming into the House missing of his guide and complained