THE MARRIAGE-HATER Match'd A COMEDY ACTED at the Theatre Royal By THEIR MAJESTIES SERVANTS Written by THO. D'URFEY Gent. LONDON Printed for Richard Bentley at the Post-House in Russel-Street in Covent-Garden 1692. TO THE ILLUSTRIOUS and Truly NOBLE Prince JAMES Duke Marquess and Earl of Ormond in England and Ireland Earl of Ossory and Viscount Thurles Baron of Arclo Lord of the Regallities and Liberties of the County of Tiperary Baron of Lanthony Earl of Brecknock Chancellor of the University of Oxford one of the Lords of the Bed-Chamber to His Sacred Majesty and Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Garter May it Please Your Grace WHEN first my Propitious or Malignant Stars influenc'd the little Genius I now pretend to in Poetry the Incouragement I had from your Noble Grandfather whose Extraordinary Iudgment in the Beauties of that Art as well as Generous Candour in Excusing the Errours of it render'd him best capable of being a Patron ingag'd me to Launch my ill ballass'd Bark into an Ocean where most of our Tribe too late find themselves becalm'd with uncertain Applause or else wrack'd in the storm of ill-natur'd Criticism Yet had that Illustrious Hero's Commands such an August Prerogative over me that knowing my Fame sufficiently Establish'd in his Applause successful enough I ventur'd on 'till his never to be forgotten loss to all in General made me too sadly deplore my own in particular How Charming a thing is Dignity when adorn'd with the glittering Crown of Sence and the humble Robe of Humility The Great Ormond was blest with both in perfection and not only a true Iudge and Generous Patron of Arts and Sciences but modestly familiar with Virtue tho' in Rags never slighting the poor Scholar for his Thread-bare Coat nor pleas'd with the vain outside of an Embroyder'd Fopp whose inside he knew to be unfurnish'd I infer this as lamenting the ill fortune of Poets that are not bless'd with a Friendly Party or a Iudicious Patron whose allow'd Vnderstanding as well as generous good Nature can defend their Works from Malicious Censurers the Time's Vices will bear no Reflection and let the Play be never so just to the Rules if a Rott me Spark finds himself hit or Madam La Pupsey takes the hint that her dear Lap-Dog is expos'd the Labour it self is like to be the Poet 's only Reward Modest Reproof is taken for absurd Abuse and honest Satyr for Dogmatick Slaunder And though Horace reflecting upon such as are blind to â—heir own Vices in his time had Courage enough to dare to tell 'em Stultus Improbus hic Amor est dignusque notari Yet had he liv'd in this Age and in some Satyrical Piece had dar'd to Expose a Maenius c. without a Maecenas to Protect it his Merit tho' never so Extraordinary or Fancy or Stile were it never so pure would all be too weak to defend it against the Critical Party that found themselves Concern'd This I must humbly inform your Grace I mean as to the General state of Satyrical Poets without any reflection upon my own the ensuing Scenes being design'd for diversion and more proper to oblige an Audience to smile than frown and tho' some perhaps being affected with ill Humours might pick out something to dislike they generously agreed to incourage my Profit and those that found themselves pleas'd I thank my Stars still far exceeded the others in number Having at last so well acquitted it self on the Stage tho' the thronging imperfect Action and worse than all the faulty length which I will never be guilty of again render'd it little Diversion the first day I confess I could not stifle my Ambition of defiring this honour of your Graces Patronage and as I have already always found a true Maecenas in your Illustrious Family You by a free and easie grant of so great a favour an endearing sweetness in Behaviour and graceful Condescension have so added to my heap of Obligations that I am disâ—bled by â—xcess to instruct my Pen my heart 's grateful Sentiments All Praise is too low when it approaches to your Graces Character to say you are adorn'd with the Graceful Humility Eternal Honour and Wisdom of your admir'd Grandfather the Merit Loyalty and unequal'd Bravery of your Martial Father whose Loss our Bleeding Country has never yet recover'd i Praise indeed but scarce aspiring to your Desert your Glorious Campaign with his Sacred Majesty and all your other Actions during this Reign sufficiently sounding your Applause and ingaging every true Englishman not only to Love but Admire amongst the Crowd of which I think it my greatest Honour to be Ranked esteeming no good Fortune greater than to be allow'd My Lord Your Lordship 's Most Humble Devoted and Obedient Servant T. D'URFEY A LETTER TO Mr. D'URFEY Occasioned by his PLAY Called the Marriage-Hater Match'd Dear Friend I AM sensible the World will esteem a Friend too Partial a Judge of the performance of a Friend yet since I am satisfied that I can divest my self of all prejudice against the Writings of even an Enemy and allow him that praise which Justice requires I think I may with the greater assurance say that I will give no more favourable Censure on this Play of yours than the severest Critick ought if he but regulate himself according to the merits of the Cause and will let Reason and the Rules of Art weigh more with him than the inconsiderate Railings of some of your Enemies or the ungenerous malice of others who because they have attempted the Province of Comedy with less success think to regain their Credit by Damning every one that has the Art of Pleasing beyond them and since they cannot arrive to the Excellence of the Old way of Writing would advance a new one of their own production adapted to their undesigning Genius But that which is thâ— most strange is that some of our Criticks like Juglers stare us in the face and Palm upon us their own Fancy for the Opinion and Practices of the Ancients and perswade us that a Bundle of Dialogues was all that was ever required to the framing a good Play and that Terence had no other Excellence but the neatness of Phrase Either they never read that Poet themselves or suppose no body else did otherwise I cannot imagine how they can maintain so gross a falsity which may so easily be contradicted by a â—â—ort view of the Plots of his Comedies I will begin with his first called â—â—dria Pamphilus the Son of Simo debauches Glyceriam the supposed Sister of Chrysis a Native of the Island of Andros she proves with Child and he infinitely enamour'd of her promises her Marriage with a full Resolution to be as good as his word but Chremes won with the good Character and Parts of Pamphilus proposes his Daughter Phileumena for his Wife to Simo the Old Men agree and settle the Preliminaries the Wedding day approaches but the death of Chrysis the supposed Sâ—â—ter
What say ye will you be good and marry me if I get what you desire Sir Phil. Canst thou doubt it why then we shall have enough to make us easie Child Love Why then smile Fate whilst I my wit pursue For such a Fortune such a Husband too What won't a Maid in my Condition do Exit Sir Phil. Right but we must have two words to the bargain for all that Child 'T is a good natur'd loving Tit and o' my Conscience the wittiest Baggage that ever told a lie t' excuse her Lover her Father was an honest Country Parson the Offspring of which Sect by the way I 've observ'd seldom or never fails to be good ones and he had so cloy'd her with musty Morals and lukewarm scraps from the old Patriarchs a Diet so disagreeable to a young Wenches Constitution that she like a Gudgeon snapt at my first Bait nor was there need of a Hook the Creature was so greedy Well if she does trick this Widow and get the Writings she will deserve extreamly well of me but Marriage is such an unreasonable reward for an Estate that 't is like giving a Man means to purchase variety of Delicates and at the same time obliging him to chaw upon one Rump of Beef all his life time Enter Darewell Darew What Sir Philip my eyes dazle sure 't is impossible Sir Phil. Hoh my noble Man of War welcome on Shore But why impossible Friend what wonders dost thou find Darew Thee in this place the Park so near the Air of Kensington and yonder place of Terrour the Widow's Lodgings Sir Phil. Oh Sir your Widow like a Ship just return'd from a Sea sight can do little or no hurt upon a second Attack she has spent all her Artillery upon the first Engagement Darew She rails at thee most dreadfully and blushes through her Mourning when thou art but nam'd as the Sun does through a Cloud when a Summer Shower is falling Sir Phil. Her Mourning why has the Snake then batten'd in the skin of her Hypocrisie so long and does the demure Peak oppress the Forehead still the Devil 's in her why this is quite contrary to a Widows Policy she should have new wash'd and furbish'd up the Premises long before this for a new Comer when the Bill stands too long upon the door 't is sign the Tenement's not worth Letting Darw. Ha ha ha I have heard of your Whoring too Sir she has told us all within yonder Sir Phil. Ay and would have told thee of her Husband's Cuckoldom too as well if she had not a design to draw another into the noose Darw. No a Pox on 't this is malice all the World allow her to be virtuous Sir Phil. They allow her to be proud indeed and consequently ill natur'd and reserv'd Virtue is a rank Cheaâ— in most of the Sex when once a Womans Pride promotes her Chastity her Virtue is the greatest Vice she has Enter Callow with a Letter Darew How now Lieutenant has t' got an answer Callow Yes Sir and a pleasant Story to tell you that belongs to 't Darew Speak softly another time for that yonder 's your Uncle Callow Sir Philip your most humble Servant Darewell reads Sir Phil. So Cozen I see you 're equipp'd well your Commission like your Scarf too sits close t' ye your Sword too of good dimension but I am told your heart is loose in th' hilts and tho' you wear the King's name in your Pocket you herd with those that hate his Government Callow Who I Uncle he 's the Son of a Whore that told ye so let me but know him and rot me I 'll make him eat the Sword you speak of nay not only the Sword but the Hilt the Knot the Scabberd the Chape the Belt and the Buckles Broil me Sir Phil. And why that Rakehelly Cant of Rot me Burn me Broil me Art thou afraid thou shalt not dye and be damn'd soon enough Callow Custom faith Uncle Custom besides I think Rot me Sink me Burn me Broil me c. are as pretty Tags to a Souldiers discoâ—rse thaâ— would be thought a brave Fellow as odsniggs and sincerely are for a Citizen that intends to cheat under the notion of the Pious this is my opinion Rot O Lord 't was comiâ—g again Sir Phil. No 't is the Scoundrel Company you keep such as the young â—op Lord Brainless then they say y' are always stewing at my fat Lady Bumfiddle's and so great an Admirer of that eternal Mill-clapper Mrs. La Pupsey that you pay Homage to her very Lap-dog Callow Never rallied her but once in my life sink me 't was a coming again 't is true I 've an honour for my Lady Bumfiddle because Sir Phil. Because she 's the best Procurer in Town hush not a word lest the Captain hear us but look to 't for tho' as my Kinsman I would not willingly see thee hang'd Callow I humbly thank ye Uncle Sir Phil. Yet Sir I 'de cut your Throat to save your Credit Callow Wou'd ye so Sir I should not thank ye very much for that tho Rot me O Lord there 't was out Sir Phil. Well my dear Captain I can find by the fold of that Paper the Shoar is like to engage thee some time here and therefore thou hast the more leasure to tell me what News abroad how stands our Publick Affairs bravely hah Darew As heart can wish friend the Turk will get no more ground in Hungary the French King no more in Flanders the Sweed will get nothing by his Neutrality the Irish and Scotch make no more Rebellion the English Fleet will no more stand out in Action nor the French Victual themselves again with our Mutton Sir Phil. Spoke like a true English heart of Oake gad I see success in thy very look I 'm sure we shall beat 'em but who are these coming down the walk yonder Darew One of 'em is Sir Lawrance Limber I 'm sure I know the Old Scoundrel by his Chollerick motion Callow And 'tother his Nephew newly come from Hambourgh his Name they tell me is Myn heer van Grinn and roâ— me 't is very well apply'd for he does nothing but grin and make faces all the while he 's talking they say he 's Son to a Great Senator there but he 's a Blockhead for all that sink me Sir Phil. I must play the Bucket with him and vanish when he appears there 's reason for 't Adieu Friend thou shalt know more another time Exit Sir Phil. Enter Sir Lawrance and Van Grinn Van Grinn And so Uncle as I was telling ye ha ha ha ha 't is a very good jest faith the Widow the Widow ha ha ha pray mind me Uncle after I had shew'd her the Writings which she had such a plagâ—y mind you must know to keep from this Sir Philip what does she do ha ha ha ha 't is a very good jest faith what does she do Uncle but brings me down into the
the other brace of Boobies Enter Solon and Bias with a Patch on 's face they ask Blessing Sir Law Bless ye bless ye y' are welcome to Town but what 's the matter Son Bias What ailes your Face Darew Has the Gentleman bin in some Quarrel Bias. That 's no matter let it be as it will some body shall find he has more than no body to deal with my Brother Solon can tell you more a Jest is but a Jest and every Body is free in the King's High-way and if I did kiss her 't was no more than she deserv'd and every Gentleman might do my Brother Solon can tell you more Van Grin A very good Jest faith see how Solon looks ha ha ha Dam him I knew he must be a Coxcomb Sir Law What have you been in a Scuffle since you came to Town how came your Brother's head broke Solon Solon Why truly Father my Brother Bias was as one may say somewhat saucy with a Centry that belong'd to that great House yonder Sir Law ' Slife the Court my heart trembles within me well go on ha ha ha ha Solon There came by a young Woman you must know with a Basket of Straw-berries a fring'd lac'd cocking topping rowzy frowzy young Woman as a Man may say and as I told you before with a Basket of Straw-berries Van Grin Ha ha ha I 'le put in and interrupt him so Cousin Solon and what then a very good Jest faith as a Man may say Solon why if ye are my Cousin that may be but I did not indeed tell my Tale to you I 'me talking to my Father as a Man may say Bias. You need not be so curious In the matter let things go as they will 't is but a head broke and I 've had as much at Cudgels a hundred times before now why what a-do's here my Brother Solon can tell you more Darew 'Sdeath these brace of Fools are more nauseous than 'tother I 'me sick of 'em already Sir Law Heart and Lungs why dost not go on Solon I 'me afraid Captain the rash Boy has affronted some Quality or other about the Court which by the Parliament I would not he should for a thousand Pound I 'me serious Solon In short then my Brother Bias would have gon into that great House with his Boots on at which the Centry stops him at which the young Woman laughs de' e laugh says Bias I 'le buss ye â—or that â—â—ackins Sir Law Mettle to the back Captain just so was I my self in my young days just so in troth Solon So Bias buss'd her whether she would or no and I vow and swear I had a huge mind to be at her my self for 't was a curious â—ine Woman and had the softest whitest Neck as a Man may say Van â—rin Why well said Solon gramercy Solon Solon's a plaguy Dog at a Wench I warrant him ha ha Bias. Nay she need not have squauld and squeak'd at that rate as if she had been Ravish'd 't was no such strange matter to her for I heard 't was but a Chamber-maid after all Sir Law Gad I 'me glad of that however as I hope to be sav'd Captain I was afraid it might have bin one of the Maids of Honour and thâ—n my Son had bin ruin'd for ever he had by the Parliament now I 'me serious Callow This Sottish old Fellow is as great a Dunce as his Sons Rot me Sir Law And so in short Bias ruâ—â—led the Woman and the Century broke his head for 't Solon You have hit it in troth Father as a man may say Van Grin The Centry hit it you mean Solon a very good jest again faith there are your wits Nuncle ha ha ha ha Aside to him Sir Law Now is that grinning Dog in his Kingdom Re-enter Lovewell Love Sir if you are not too busie I should deliver a Message to you Van Grin From whom Sweet-heart Love The Widow Sir Exit Lovewell Van Grin â—he Widow hush I 'll follow thee immediately she has some new fondness to shew me I 'll be haâ—g'd else ha ha ha ha a very good jest faith Good buoy Nâ—ncle my Nose will be damâ—ably bor'd I see my Cousin Bias must carry the Widow and Solon has a Head â—it for a Statesman ha ha ha ha Sollid sollid Sir Law Ah would thou wer 't hang'd that thou Exit Van Grin Might'st grin to some purpose by the Parliament Solon ' Od if I had thought he mock'd me I would have had a pluck with him I tell him that there should have been more marks in his Fate than his Nose I tell him but so Bias. My Brother Solon and I would have shewn him some of Shrewsbury play i'faith for all my Head 's broke Sir Law Well not too much of that good Bias noâ— to no more of your Court Salutaâ—ions d' ye hear is no sign of good Breeding this is only hear of Blood Captain the working of the Annimal Spirits Youth Youth the Boys have known no Sorrow Darew No Faith nor Joy neither their Dolts are too Insensible ' dsdeath what a blind old Sot is this Sir Law ' Troth Captain I 've a great Care upon me to know how to dispose of these Boys this Bias is a Lewd Mischâ—evous Yoâ—â—g Dog I design him for an Office Callow Sot Rascal Damn him what does the Fellow mean Sir Lawr. T'other there shall be a Lawyer because of his instructing Face hâ—'ll be a Prodigious Fellow for look ye Captain if you mind it his face will become a Serjeants Quoif extreamly he 'll certainly be a prodigious Fellow Darew A prodigious Fellow indeed Oh the insufferable blindness of a dull Father Sir Lawr. And as for Wives I have 'em ready for 'em my Son Bias shall have the Widow and my Son Solon her Sister both swinging Fortunes by the Parliament Darew ' Ds'death what says he her Sister my Mistress by this light Sir Lawr. They 're now at home with my Sister Buâ—fiddle I 'll go watch her coming out â—or I'm resolv'd to propose it to night and so my noble Captain Farewel Darew Hold hold Sir Lawrenâ—â— a word with ye first Sir Lawr. Not for a thousand Pound Sir it comes into my head that this is the lucky minute Come Bias farewell Captain come along Solon come Exeunt Sir Lawrence and Sonâ— Callow Well if ever I had so much patience since I was born boil me why there are not four such Fools again within the four Seas sink me and I hope the Daughter is as bad Darew I 'm glad the old Coxcomb has told me his design upon the Widow's Sister I 'll prevent his Sons folly there I 'll warrant him this Letter from her I hope is more favourable than the rest how cam'st thou to get it she was in a very good humour sure Callow Why my Intimacy in the Family made her Employ me I believe besides knowing that I was coming to ye but as to her
one that 's so very knowing that she 'd baulk a Youngster and in Love's business give such violent Instructions 't would break the heart of a young Fool to follow no if I do forego my happy freedom which 'till I dote I think never shall the Grape shall first be press'd by my own hand I 'll never take the squeezings of another I 'll have a Maid that 's certain L. Subtle A Maid thou Coxcomb I 'm asham'd of thee dost thou pretend to be a man of sence Learn'd in the Mathematicks of Intreague and choose an ignorant raw aukward Maid before a Skilful Widow oh stupidity Go to the Garden take green Gennitings and set thy teeth an edge thou codled Coxcomb or shall I fetch thee some green Goosberries and send a Maid to keep thee Company a whitely thing just wean'd from Jointed Baby that opens mouth to eat but can say nothing such trash as this is the best fruit for Fools a Widow like the blushing velveâ— Peach by Summer ripened to indulge the taste is a Regalia for a Man Maids green crude stuff and only fit for Boys Sir Phil. 'T is very fine a Lady of your Beauty and your Fortune oh how this witty Railery becomes well then Boy as I am I 'll shew one manly sign I 'll mannage the Writings wisely that I 'm resolv'd on Enter Berenice Beren Sir Philip I 'm sure can do nothing but like a man of Honour Sir Phil. Oh cry ye mercy Madam and Sence too I hope therefore thus humbly take my leave Beren Nay but pray stay a little Sir Sir Phil. Not for the World Madam the Widow has so maul'd me already with her great Cannon that should I stay to engage with your small shot I should have more holes in me then a Dutch Man of War had in the last Engagement and therefore to bring my Simile a little nearer home like a Cock that 's over-match'd I intend to shrink from the Pit before my eyes are peck'd out Beren Your eyes why what d' ye take us for Sir Sir Phil. Two of the greatest Rarities of your kind two that shall rally a Man to death in an hours time without putting your self out of breath for 't Runs out Beren This is one of the oddest humours what I warrant you have been severe with him L. Subtle No hang him I broke out only a little at last when he was preferring a Maid before me I smother'd my rage 'till then tho' I confess with as muâ—h pain as if I had had a sit of the stone for he gave me not a word of satisfaction about the Writings he designs to starve me I 'm confident if the Law don't relieve me Beren Nay nay no starving Sister you have yet a hundred pound a year to live on L. Subtle What 's that I must put down my Coach Child is not that starving a Widow Beren Next door too 't I confess as the humour of the Times are L. Subtle Ah! I had rather be without meat and drink a thousand times Well sure this Devil won't possess him always one happy minute must be mine at last which to be sure of what would â— not attempt what to obtain her Ends would not a Woman do Would Fortune once my working Brain inspire I 'de plunge through deepest Sea or fiercest Fire Hazard my Life nay Soul to compass my desire Exit Beren Nay on my Conscience if there is a way left thou wilt conjure but thou wilt have it that I 'll say for thee Wâ—ll what News now Enter Comode Comode My Lady Bumfiddle sends ye word that my Lord Brainless gives the Musick at her Lodgings this Afternoon before they go to the Park and desires your Company Beren Well I 'll go because I know I shall meet my Tarpawlin there whom I have made so angry that I believe he could beat me with as good a will as a Saylor that disobey'd his Orders 't is all one I am resolv'd to try him throughly before I come under his hatches there will be hours enough to beg his pardon if ever I give him an advantage over me The time of Wooing is a Woman 's own But when she 's Married once her time is gone Exit SCENE II. Bumfiddle's Lodgings Enter Callow and Margery at several Doors Callow Ah! dear Creature how much am I oblig'd to Fortune for this lucky minute that gives me the blessing of meeting her alone whom I love beyond all the Universe sink me Margery You love me yeth I warrant ye for what pray Callow For thy self my Dear thy Innocence and Beauty has so charm'd my heart her Money I mean that I never am aâ— rest my Soul but when I am with thee Aside Marg. Oh Lord well then donth queeth my hand tho Callow Oh! every part of thee is so Charming to me that burn me 't is impossible for me to subsist without thee The Philly can stand still I see when she is without Company Aside Marg. Why what d' ye mean to do you won't Ravish me will ye Callow I believe she puts me in mind on 't on purpose Rot me Aside Ravish thee no no only a kiss from thy pretty Lips or so my Dear sweet Hony-suckle nay nay no frowning now nor drawing back for I must do it therefore Kisses her Marger What d' ye make all this bustle for why don't ye then Enter Darewell Darew Oh Lieutenant you are a happy Man I see Marger Oh Lord the Captain what shall I do now Spets and speaks as in a rage to Callow Pugh pugh well as I hope to be thav'd I 'll tell my Father and my Aunt tho I will that I can never live in quiet for ye that you are every day teithing and by your good will would be kithing me every minute when you know I hate ye ath I hate the Devil and with you were hang'd upon our Mulberry-Tree in the Garden with all my heart like a thilly ugly nathly pimping cowardly tholdierly rathcally puppily Fellow ath ye are to dare to affront me so Exit Margery Darew ' Dslife what 's the meaning of all this rage she stood â—ame enough to my thinking when I came in Callow Ay and would again if we were alone ' â—is the nature of this sort â—f Cattle to be skittish and Rail before Company but they 'l stand as still in a Corner as a Town Whore got with Child by some poor Bully will to a Rich Country Squire that she intends shall father it I must after her for I like her Six Thousand Pounds better than my Commission faith Captain Exit Callow Darew Faith I believe thee as do a great many more of thy Effeminate sort But stay where is my jolly Lady all this while and the Company sure I han't mistook her time oh are you there Madam Enter Berenice Darew Nay you shall hear me now and I must rail at ye or my heart will break call ye ungrateful proud