II. Enter Longvil Bruce and Sir Samuel Sir Samuel in the habit of Longvil's Footman Bruce WE are here to our wishes and neither the Virtuoso nor his Master of his Ceremonies within If we could but meet with the Ladies now Sir Sam. Ay if the Ladies were but here you should see how I wou'd shew my parts Whip-slap-dash I 'd come up roundly with Aâ—…iranda faith Boyâ—… ha Longv. A pox o'th is fellow he 'll be intollerable I see there 's no tempering with that Edge tool call'd a Fool Sir Sam. I am disguis'd Cap a pe to all intents and purposes and if any Man manages an Intriguo better than I I will never hope for a Masquerade more or expect to Dance my self again into any Lady's affection and about that business Come aloft Sir Samuel I say Bruce But sweet Sir Samuel if you discover your self you will be turn'd out of the house and we for company Sir Sam. Let me alone pox if I should be discoveâ—…'d Ill bring you off as round as a hoop in the twinkling of an Oyster-shell But gad I cannot conceal my self from my Mistriss my Love and Wit will break out now and then a little about the edges or I shall burst faith and troth Longv. â—…onder come the Ladies Good Sam. keep your Distance Sir Sam. My distance why the Ladies are by themselves I 'll present you to 'em I 'll introduce you Come along pull away Boys Now my choice Ladâ—… Hey poop come aloâ—…t Boy â—…ah Longv. Do you hear Sir Samuel act the Footman a little better or by Heav'n I 'll turn you out-of my Livery Sir Sam. What a pox you are upon the High Ropes now Prethee Longvil hold thy peace with a whip-stich your nose in my breech I know what I have to do mun Do you think to make a fool of Pil-garlick Longv. By Heav'n Pil-garlick I 'll cut your throat if you advance beyond your post Stand Centry there Bruce If you do not Sam. you 'll find your Master very cholerick honest Sam. Sir Sam. Cholerick what a pox care I how shall I shew my parts about this business if I should stand here Pshaw Pritheâ—… hold thy peace Enter Clarinda and Miranda Longv. Sirra stand there and mind your waiting Damme stand still Sir Sam. What a pox does he mean now O' my Conscience and Soul he has been a drinking hard this morning and is half-Seas over already Longv. Ladies your humble Servant Bruce How long have we prayâ—…d to Heav'n for this opportunity of kissing your hands Clar. I see then you can be devout upon some occasions Longv. We shew'd our devotion sufficiently the first time we saw you ' twâ—…s in a Church Ladies Mir. Loâ—… that it shoulâ—… be ouâ—… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 â—…ee you in a place so little us'd by you Clar. I warrâ—…nt they came hither as thâ—…y do 〈◊〉 a Play-house bolting out of some eating-house having 〈◊〉 else to do in an idle after-noon Mir. 'T is a wonder they do not come as the Sparkâ—… do to a Play-house too full of Champagn venting very much noise and very little wit Lâ—…ngv What ever your intentions aâ—…e I am sure it is a very wickeâ—… thing for you to go to Church Mir. How so Sir Bruce Why to seduce zealous young men as we might have bâ—…n but for you Clar. Your zeal will never do you hurt I warrant you Longv. You for your part committed Sacriledge and rob'd Heav'n of all my thoughts Mir. That 's strange for I assure you none of mine e'r stray'd towards you Longv. I am glad to find you can be so very zealous They that can be so very violent in that higher sort of zeal will often be so in a lower I am glad to see my Mistriss violent in any passion 't is ten to one Love will have its turn then Bruce You could not but observe my great zeal to you Madam had I soar'd ne'r so high you would have lured me down again Clar. Alass Sir you never soar so high but any lure will bring you down with a swoop I warrant you Mir. You are he that have pester'd me with your Billets Doux your fine little fashionable Notes ti'd with filk Longv. Yes I have presented several Bills of Love upon you and you would never make good payment of â—…ny of ' em Mir. Would you have one answer a Bill of Love at sight that 's onely for substantial Traders young Beginners dare not venture they ought to be cautious Longv. Not when they know him to be a responsable Merchant they have to deal with Mir. Such who keep a correspondence with too many Factories venture too much and are in danger of breaking Clar. My Sister 's in the right 'T is more danger trusting Love with such than Money with Goâ—…dsmiths especially considering most Men are apt to break in Womens debts I have received several honorable Summons from you if I would have accepted the Challenges Bruce I onely provok'd you fairly into the open Field and ' gad I wonder you had not honor enough to answer me Clar. You would have drawn me into some wicked ambush or other Matrimony or worse I warrant you Sir Sam. What a pox do these Fellows mean I shall stand here till one of them has whipt away my Mistriss about business with a Hixius Doxius with the force of Repartee and this and that and every thing in the world Offers to go to Clar. Longv. Why Sirra Rascal Sir Sam. Ay 't is no matter for that Madam Pulls Mir. by the sleeve Longv. You impudent Dog Longv. kicks him Sir Sam. Psha psha I care not a farthing for this This is nothing I am harden'd I have been kill'd and beaten to all intenâ—…s and purposes an hundred times about intrigues and businesses Madam Madam don't you know me Mir. What impudent sawâ—…y footman 's this Bruce Poor silly Rogue he must be beaten into good manners Sir Sam. Ha-ha-ha that 's good i'faith Poor silly Rogue that 's well Ha-ha-ha But all these kicks and these businesses and all that we Men of Intrigue must bear Prethee Longvil do not play the Fool but let me discover my self Longv Sirra be gone or I 'll beat you most infinitely Madam let us not trifle away those few happy minutes Fortune lends us Lovers We know your streights and how few opportunities we are like to have and therefore let me tell you in short I am most desperately in love with you Sir Sam. O Traitor what says he I must discover my self quickly about this business or whip slap I shall be bob'd of my Mistriss in the twinkling of a Bed-staff Mir. 'T is true our opportunities are like to be rare but I 'll improve this so well we shall need no more Good Sir let it not transport you too much for I do assure you I am extremely and desperately out of love with you and shall be so as long as I live Longv. Say you so Madam and are
you absolutely and violently resolv'd upon this Mir. I am Longv. Faith Madam I am glad to hear on 't I never knew a Woman absolutely resolve upon any thing but she did the contrary Bruce I hope you'â—… not take example by your hard-hearted Sister to nip so hopeful a Love in the Bud but nourish it and in time 't will bring forth fruit worth the gathering Clar. It shall produce none for me it 's a dangerous surfeiting fruit and I 'l ha' none on 't Sir Sam. I 'll sing a Song that I us'd to entertain 'em with and that will discover me I shall be even with these impudent Fellowâ—… Sings She tript like a Baron Do c. Longv. ' Sdeath what does this Rascal mean Bruce Pox on him he sings worse than an old Woman a spinning Clar. How 's this I have heard that charming voice 't is very like a Coxcomb 's that used to come hither one Sir Samuel Hearty Sir Sam. Peace Envy Peace Coxcomb she never was so much in the wrong in her life she was always malicious against me because I could not love her poor Fool Coxcomb whip-stich your Nose in my Breech Pish. Bruce Hang him let him discover himself Mir. 'T is he sure What project 's this he was ever a great Designer Sir Sam. I can hold no longer Madam you have lost your senses Longv. ' Sdeath this Rascal puts me beyond all patience Impudent Villain Kick hiâ—… Sir Sam. Ay ay it 's no matter for that it 's no matter for that I can bear any thing for my Mistriss Don't you know me yet Clar. 'T is he I 'll make as if I did not know him and we 'll have excellent sport with him Mir. Hold Sir by your favor I am resolved to speak with him and know the meaning of this Longv. Sirra Sir Sam. Psha prethee hold thy tongue Tace is Latine for a Candle I say again I knew I shou'd screw her up to the tune of Love Now do you know your faithful Servant Sir Samuel Mir. I do but have a care if my Sister discovers you you are undone Sir Sam. I warrant you I 'll be as secret as a Cockle Mir. I am sorry you have been so exceedingly beaten and kick'd Sir Sir Sam. Psha psha it's nothing nothing Come come 't is well it 's no worse Come if any man in England out-does me in passive-valor about Intrigues I am the son of a Tinder box Mir. Have a care she suspects something Sir Sam. Ay let me alone Clar. What sawcy impudent Footman 's this Correct his insolence and send him hence I like not his face Mir. The truth is the Rascal is sawcy but he 'll learn better manners Sir Sam. Good how the Rogues Love makes her dissemble Ah cunning Toad Longv. 'Sdeath you Dog I 'll learn you better manners get you gone Kicks him Sir Sam. Pox on you you over-act a Master and kick too hard about business Longv. Do you hear you nonsensical Owl be gone out of the Garden or by Heav'n I 'll run my Sword in your guts Bruce Hold Longvil do not kill me 't will be something uncivil Sir Sam. Uncivil what a pox do you talk Uncivil why 't will be murder mun Uncivil quoth a Well I must be gone with a cup of Content to the tune of a damn'd beating or so This is a fine nimble piece of business that a Man cannot make love to his own Mistris But I 'll come upon him with a Quare impedit and a good lusty cup of Revenge to boot Exit Sir Samuel Clar. We have discover'd your Fool. Do you want a Fool that you must bring such a one as Sir Samuel along with you Mir. Perhaps they thought themselves not able to divert us and brought him to assist thâ—…m Longv. Faith Ladies if you make trial of us if we be not able to divert you you shall find us very willing Bruce I am sure if we do not divert you from your cruel resolutions we are the most undone men that ever sigh'd and look'd pale for Ladies yet Clar. I do not doubt but some Ladies such as they are may have made you look pale and wan Mir. But a civil Woman could never yet come near your hearts or alter your faces Longv. The greatest Generals do not scape always unwounded you have done my business Madam Bruce I have held out a long time against the Artillery of Ladies eyes but a randome shot has maul'd me at last Clar. That cannot be you were the greatest Mutineers against civil Women that could be Mir. Always shewing your parts against Matrimony and defending the tawdry ill-bred fluttering Wenches o' the Town Longv. That may be Madam but we are taken off Bruce Ay Madam we are taken off Clar. There 's no trusting you for though you seem to be taken off as you call it yet you 'll stick fast to your good old Cause Mir. A Man often parts with his honesty but never with his opinion for a Bribe Enter L. Gimcrack and Sir Samuel L. Gim. Mr. Bruce and Mr. Longvil in the Garden with my Nieces say you young Sluts do they snap at all the Game that comes hither what are they discoursing of Sir Sam. Why to the Tune of Love Madam what should young Gentlemen and Ladies talk of else L. Gim. O impudent Gill-flirts cannot one young Gentleman scape ' em Are they making Love to my Nieces say you Sir Sam. Yes that they are Madam with a helter-skelter whip-dash as round as a hoop what shou'd they do else I 'll retire Exit L. Gim. That 's Mr. Bruce a fine strait well-bred Gentleman of a pleasing form with a charming air in his face The other Mr. Longvil who has a pleasing sweetness in his countenance an agreeable straitness and a grareful composure and strength in his Limbs I am distracted in my choice on whom to fix my affection Let me see which shall I like best Mr. Bruce is a fine person really and so is Mr. Longvil and so is Mr. Bruce I vow and so is Mr. Longvil I swear In short I like 'em both best and these fluttering Sluts shall have none of ' em Clar. Prethee Sister let 's change our Men and then we shall be troubled with no love from 'em Mir. Agreed But if we be it is shifting of our torment and that 's some ease But hold we are undone here 's my Aunt L. Gim. Gentlemen your Servant So Nieces you are soon acquainted with young Gentlemen I see It will in modesty befit you to retire Longv. We heard Sir Nicholas was at home and took the liberty of a turn in the Garden Bruce Where by accident we found these Ladies who have done us the honor to entertain some discourse with us L. Giâ—… They are always ready to shew their little or no breeding you must pardon them they are raw Girls Clar. Thank Heav'n we have not â—…ad the age and experience of your Ladiâ—…hip Mir.
A White of an Egg Haz. All Flegm and no Choller L. Gim. A Drudge Haz. An â—…xcuse L. Gim. A necessary thing Haz. A Cloak at a pinch L. Gim. A pitiful Utensil Haz. Good for nothing but to cover shame pay Debts and own Children for his Wife L. Gim. In short a Husband is a Husband and there 's an end of him but a Lover is Haz. Not to be express'd but in action I 'll shew you what a Lover is with a vengeance Madam Come on ' Sdeath there 's a Key in the do ot L. Gim. What shall we do Haz. Run into the Wood-hole quickly I 'll bear the brunt and I may perhaps make a discovery into the bargain She goes in Enter Sir Nicholas and Mrs. Flirt Sir Nic. Come Dearest the Land-lady is not at home or we wou'd have a Collation here Flirâ—… O Heav'n who 's this Hazard Haz. 'Sdeath Sir How dare you invade my room L. Gim. Oh! who 's here the Devil the Devil Enter Lady Gimcrack Oh Heav'n who 's this my Husband with a Whore Sir Nic. Death and Hell my Wife with a Hectorly Fellow here Oh my disgrace L. Gim. Oh vile false Man thy falshood I have long suspected now this happy opportunity has discover'd all Sir Nic. What means her impudence L. Gim. Was I not sufficient for thee vile Man but thou must thus betray me I cannot look on thee with patience I shall faint I shall faint Oh! Oh! Haz. Help help the Lady Sir Nic. Hang the Lady Oh Woman-kind what artifice is this I was inform'd by this Lady I shou'd find you here I wonder not at your disorder upon this unexpected surprise O vile treacherous Woman L. Gim. Take him from my sight I shall die else Have I been always your obedient vertuous Wife and am I thus requited Heav'n sent this honourable Gentleman to assist me in the discovery who on purpose got a Key to this Room it seems the filthy Scene of all thy lust and baseness Be gone thou infamous Wretch I am not able to support the sight of thee Sir Nic. Lewd Woman thou abstract of impudence and falshood tremble at my revenge Have I at length found out your base lascivious haunt L. Gim. O insufferable do you add to all your barbarous injuries this of aspersing my innocence Flirt to Haz. False man did I for this give my affection jto thee and can'st thou think I 'll bear this unreveng'd Haz. aside ' Sdeath this Wench will undo me with my Lady L. Gim. What do I hear is he false too then my misfortunes are compleat Base vile ungrateful Fellow is this your constancy and gratitude to me To Haz. Haz. Madam this is a Lady of a great Estate whom I shou'd have marri'd and this accident I fear has ruin'd all my Fortune Sir Nic. to Flirt Has my kindness deserv'd thâ—…s is this your Gallant too Oh this Villain has made me doubly a Cuckold Flirt to Sir Nic. Do not mistake me this Fellow took me for a great Fortune and shou'd have marri d me Are you consulting for my ruine To them L. Gim. to Haz. This is a flam I 'll not believe it This Sâ—…rumpet has doubly betray'd me Lewd Creature first I 'll take revenge on thee Flirt to L. Gim. I thought I should at last find out the cause of my misfortune To Haz. You are like to make a good Husband that can make so ill a Lover Haz. After I have heard all your accusation which is false let me â—…ell you I have been informed of your frequent coming hither with Sir Nicholas and was resolv'd at once to be reveng'd of him and you by bringing my Lady hither to discover both Flirt O insolence I never saw the place before Sir Nic. â—… am too well satisfied of heâ—… falshood and though â—…t be something below a Philosopher to draw a Sword yet to punish her I will Haz. Hold Sir first you must try with me Sir Nic. What are you her Stallion and her Bravo too L. Gim. Was ever Woman yet so miserable to be betray'd by one whom she has lov'd so much better than her life she wou'd have laid it down to have done him any kindness and yet to perfect all his cruelty he blots my reputation And since the only â—…reasure of my life is gone pâ—…ay â—…ake that too Do not resist him let him pierce this breast that ne'r bore any Image but his own Come on then cruel man Sir Nic. Whaâ—… can this mean Flirt to Sir Nic. For Heav'ns sake do not betray me to him if I be noâ—… clear'd in this I am undâ—…ne Haz. Now hear me Sir This Lady on my honour Sir is free from all blemish I believe even in thought But I being inform'd you use to come with that Lady to this House of ill reputation in anger to you both betray'd you to my Lady I dogg'd her Messâ—…nger from her â—…odging to you and immediately gave notice to my Lady and in all hast we came Sir Nic. Indeed I have been acquainted with this Lady being a Virâ—…uosa upon Philosophical matters but never saw her here till we now came for this discovery She inform'd me she saw you two come hither and my Wife being gone out before me and alone gave me more suspicion Fliat I having seen you privately talking with my Lady in the Mall suspâ—…cted you and to revenge my sâ—…lf on her and you I senâ—… for him and we have dogg'd you hither Sir Nic. But why was she hidden to avoid my sight if she came for a discovery Haz. She thought to have discover'd more by being unseen and over-hearing your discourse L. Gim. Now see injurious man how you have wrong'd me Sir Nic. â—…o himself Though I hope I have deceiv'd her with a lie yet what she says looks like truth To her It must be so Come no more I will believe you tâ—…ue and so am I. Flirt Though this sham passes upon him I know too well you are guilty good Mr. Hazard and I hate you for 't Haz. Prethee hold thy peace I am kept by her as I know ou are by him I am kept I Sir Nic. Heav'n knows I am true L. Gim. And Heav'n can witness for my innocence Haz. I am glad that all things are thus happily clear'd Sir Nic. But what was it frighted you within my Dear L. Gim. There is some body in the Wood-hole Haz. Now all 's over I 'll see who it is Come out here What 's here a Woman Pulls out Fig. L. Gim. A shame on her how sneakingly she looks This is some Strumpet I warrant you Oh! Foh how I hate such Cattle Heav'n grant she did not hear me and Hazard Haz. Here 's a Man too Come out of your hole Mr. Snarl is it you Pulls him out by the heels Sir Nic. Is this the fruit of your virtue and declaiming against the vice of the Age L. Gim. Heav'n if he over-heard me I am ruin'd eternally I