Sin especially of Lying and Stealing and playing upon the Sabbath-Day I delighted to read the Word of God and good Books to others but I did not apply it to my self as when I read that Scripture that except we repent we shall all perish Except we are born again we cannot see the Kingdom of God That the Wicked shall be turned into Hell c. I thought these did not concern me because I was guilty of no gross Sin I reckon'd my Condition was good and I was ready to pity others but I was not sensible of the Corruption and Defilement of my Nature I did not see the Need of a Change I was not sensible of my undone Condition without Christ I saw not his Excellency nor had any Desires after him I knew not upon what Terms I must take him if I would be saved As to the outward Duties of Religion I lived in the Performance of many of them but as for the more inward and spiritual Duties of Christianity such as Self-examination Meditation Self-denial mourning for Sin and watching over my Thoughts Words and Actions strict Observation of the Lord's Day c. to these I was altogether a Stranger Thus I went on in Rebellion against God having a Form of Godliness but denying the Power And if God had then cut me off in my Unregeneracy certainly Hell-Fire must have been my Portion He might have sworn in his Wrath that I should never enter into his Rest O the wonderful Patience and Forbearance of the Lord towards such a sinful Creature It is a Miracle of Mercy I am yet on this side the Grave and Hell It is of the Lord's Mercy that I am spared so long and that he gives me space to repent that he should afford me the Means of Grace and send his holy Spirit to strive with me and give me many Convictions and all to reclaim me and bring me home to himself And that he should not only give me space to repent but an Heart to repent That he should not only stand waiting and knocking at the Door of my Heart so many Years calling on me to repent but that he should give me the Grace of Repentance This is undeserved Love and distinguishing Mercy For I was dead in Trespasses and Sins and had nothing but my Misery to move his Compassion I walked according to the course of this World I was insensible of my Danger tho' ready to drop into Hell every moment And I should certainly have perished had not the Lord been pleased to open my Eyes and to pluck me as a Fire-brand out of the burning and set me in the way to Heaven for which I can never sufficiently adore and praise his glorious Grace in Christ to me a vile sinful Creature Great was his Mercy towards me for he hath delivered my Soul from the lowest Hell which makes me say with David Come and hear all ye that fear the Lord and I will declare what he hath done for my Soul and the Way and Means whereby he was pleased to work upon my Heart The Manner of my Conversion which I hope is true and real is as follows It pleased the Lord by a sad Providence viz. the Sickness at London to bring my Unkle Gearing and his Family from thence to my Father's House where they continued about half a Year My Unkle being a good Man I could not but take notice of his strict and circumspect Walking and was much affected with it And I began to think surely the Way that I am in will never bring me to Heaven I thought I must live another manner of Life if ever I would be saved I had many Convictions but there I stayed but went no further I kept on in my former careless course When it pleased God to put a Stop to the Plague at London my Unkle returned with his Family and I went with him and continued at his House about two Months in which time it pleased the Lord to follow me with new Convictions partly by the good Example of my Unkle partly by many excellent Sermons which I heard when I was there so that I began in good earnest to look after the Salvation of my Soul and to say with the Goaler What must I do to be saved I began to be very desirous to hear the Word I took all Opportunities to hear and gave Attention to what was preached after another manner than I was wont to do and laboured to make Application of it to my self I heard Mr. Vincent preach upon Heb. 12. 14. Follow Holiness without which no Man shall see the Lord urging the Necessity of it as the only way to Heaven I was much affected therewith and began to think I must set about the Work of a thorow Repentance I began to be sensible of my Original Corruption and that I had been guilty of thousands of actual Sins Those which before I counted small I now look'd upon as great and upon my self by reason of Sin to be in a lamentable Condition I knew not how to get out of this sinful miserable State and the Lord was pleased to shew me that there was no Name under Heaven by which I could be saved but only by Jesus Christ I thought if I could have an Interest in Him and his Favour I should be saved but I feared God would not thus have Mercy upon me because I had gone on so long in Sin I heard an excellent Sermon upon Mat. 11. 28. Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy loden and I will give you Rest Proving first that Sin is a Burden And secondly that burdened Sinners are invited to come to Christ and then that those that come to him shall find Rest for their Souls This was a sutable Word to my Soul I was much affected in the hearing of in for I felt Sin to be a Burden no my Conscience and I would fain have Rest to my Soul I was sensible of my Want of Jesus Christ and of the absolute Necessity to be interested in him I began to see his Worth and Excellency as the chiefest of Ten thousands altogether lovely And then and not till then I had Hungerings and Thirstings after him so that I could say None but Christ give me Christ or else I die Thus it pleased the Lord by his Spirit to work upon my Heart by degrees to open mine Eyes and to let in some Spiritual Light into my Understanding which was dark before and to give some Spiritual Life to my Affections which were dead before But O the Enemies that did then labour to hinder my Conversion and stop this Work The World by Allurements and Discouragements sought to keep me off from Christ My own deceitful Heart and corrupt Disposition within me were no small Enemy and Hinderance to the Work of Grace in my Soul The Devil the great Adversary of God's Glory and our Happiness came like a roaring Lion ready to devour me so that I
Arms I will live or die with him Now deal truly with your Souls hath the Spirit of God wrought Faith in you in this manner 3dly You may know the Truth of Faith by its vital Act which is an hearty Consent to receive Christ It is a Conjugal Consent that makes your Faith a true Faith 1. That is when the Sinner hath regard to his Person as well as his Portion 2. When we receive him to be our Lord and Husband to be ruled by him as well as to be redeemed by him 3. It excludes all other Partners I will have Christ and none but Christ if I have him I have enough 4. It includes all Conditions I am content to be his in Want as well as in Wealth in Adversity as well as Prosperity in Temptation as well as Consolation I am content to follow him through Dirt and Mire and Blood 5. Such a Man yields to Christ out of Choice a Man willingly yields to Christ he can say I am thine wholly I have made Choice of thee to be my Portion my Redeemer 4thly True Faith may be known by the Fruits of it Some Fruits in reference to Christ some in reference to our selves The Fruits in reference to Christ are these 1. True Faith will make you highly to prize Jesus Christ You will set such a Price upon Christ that all the Beauty and Bravery and Pomp and Glory of the World all the Pleasures and Treasures in the World will be but a heap of Dung in comparison of him The Person of Christ is exceeding precious Cant. 5. 10. My Beloved is white and ruddy the chiefest of ten thousand his Mouth is Sweetnesses be is altogether lovely His Blood is very precious his Offices very precious his Graces very precious an Interest in him is very precious The Purchase of his Blood very precious the Inheritance incorruptible undefiled that fadeth not away is very precious all the Kingdoms of the World are not worthy to be compared to it 2. True Faith will work earnest fervent regular Desires after Christ and Communion with him This is certain where Faith is once wrought the Soul is restless till it rests in a Saviour These Desires after Christ may be known by four Properties 1. By the Ardency of them they are not weak and slight Desires but commanding Desires like the Desires of Hunger and Thirst that musr be satisfied Tell the Soul who desires Christ that he shall have the World and Riches enough No saith he that will not content me give me Christ or else I die Tell him of outward Comforts and Accommodations These are not Christ saith he 2. By the Activity of them These Desires will not be sluggish lazy Desires to look that Christ should drop into their Mouths without looking after him But if you desire Christ indeed you will earnestly seek him as a Man that is hungry indeed will be ready to break through any Difficulties for Food 3. By the Prevalency of them They will be prevalent and powerful Desires they will make thee content to part with something for Christ When Christ saith I would have thee leave such a Lust With all my Heart saith the Soul When Christ saith Follow me in any hard Duty as the Duty of Self-denial With all my Heart saith the Soul Moses was content to part with all his Preferment for Christ he counted the Reproach of Christ greater Riches than the Treasures of Egypt 4. By the Constancy of them If your Desires are right you will still be desiring more of Christ you will never be so satisfied as to say you have enough of him but be hungring and thirsting still Psal 119. 20. My Soul breaketh for the longing it hath to thy Judgments at all times A man that hath tasted of the Sweetness of Christ O that I might taste more saith he There is a thousand times more Sweetness in Christ than ever yet you tasted He that saith he knows Christ so much that he desires to know no more I dare say he never tasted the Sweetness of Christ at all For the more you have experienc'd the more you will hunger after him and desire him 3. Another Fruit of Faith in reference to Christ is this It will work an earnest fervent Love to Christ so that a Believer will love Jesus Christ above all things and say Thy Loves are better than Wine Cant. 1. 2. It is said the Loadstone will not draw Iron in the Presence of the Diamon so no outward Loadstone of Pleasure and Contentment can draw the Soul in the Presence of the Lord Jesus Christ When a Worldly Man doth boast These are my Lands and Houses and Enjoyments A Believer saith All my Pleasures and Riches and Jewels are in Jesus Christ As Mephibosheth said 2 Kings 19. 30. Let him take all for as much as I have seen the Face of my Lord the King So saith a true Believer Let worldly Men take all so I may see the Face of my Lord the King of Saints When a Believer can draw out the Quintessence of all Creature Comforts and say the Sweetness of all is in Christ O how sweet is he then to that Soul Again This true Faith will make a Man love Christ against all Difficulties and Temptations and Discouragements he can meet with in Heaven's way What tho' I suffer Reproach for Christ saith the Believer yet I can love him still nay tho' I suffer the Loss of all my Estate for Christ yet I can love him still nay tho' I suffer the Loss of my Life for Christ yet I will love him still Acts 21. 13. I am ready not only to be bound but to die for the Name of Christ This I confess is a high Act of Faith but no higher than many Martyrs have attained to They felt such a strong and unquenchable Love in Jesus Christ to their Souls therefore their Love was so drawn out to Christ again which made them ready to suffer and lay down their Lives for him Again True Faith will make a Man love Christ without outward Encouragements A Believer can say What tho' I want these outward Accommodations others have tho' I be as poor as Job on the Dunghil yet a naked Christ is to me more welcome than a beautified World that is deck'd with all the Plenty and Prosperity that can be imagined As the strongest Believer he that hath Assurance of Christ's Love may love Christ more strongly yet it is as true he that is the weakest Believer tho' he knows not whether he be beloved of Christ he loves Christ as truly as the other 4. Another Fruit of Faith is a Fear of offending him True Faith would not have Christ displeased it is true Faith casts out a slavish Fear but a Fear of Reverence and Watchfulness is the Fruit of True Saving Faith 5. True Faith will work Holiness and new Obedience Hence Faith is called a most holy Faith because it makes us holy we are sanctified
will go mourning in this World while I have a Day to live till Christ shall please to cast an Eye of Grace and Mercy on me Nay let it come to this I cannot live if God be not reconciled If Christ be not mine my Spirit fails If the Lord do not relieve me there is nothing No abiding for me unless he speak a Word of Peace When the Soul is brought to this I must have an Interest in Christ or nothing will satisfie me such an one shall find Acceptance Therefore be in good earnest and let the Desires of the Soul rise up to an holy Restlesness O wretched Negligence that we can let the greatest Concerns of our Souls lie at Hazard all our Days Ten Questions to ask our Hearts Thus Mr. Steel advis'd we should often commune with our Hearts I. What have I been if now I am changed I was a wretched Sinner II. What Good have I done that God may have the Glory and I the Comfort III. How have I done it IV. What have I neglected The slothful Servant is condemn'd who had Talents but did no good with them What Duties have I neglected and how many Opportunities of doing good omitted V. What State am I in Am I in a gracious or sinful State in Christ or in my Sins If I am in Christ he rules if in Sin that reigns VI. What Frame am I in Am I in a gracious or worldly Frame of Heart VII What do I Am I in my Calling and in the way of my Duty Am I now doing the Will of God VIII Whither am I going Towards Heaven or Hell Every Moment I take a Step to one of them IX How far am I on my Way to Heaven X. What shall I do to be saved Salvation is to be had how shall I attain it His Covenant with God O Most Dreadful God! for the Passion of thy Son I beseech Thee accept of thy poor Prodigal now prostrating himself at thy Door I have fallen from Thee by mine Iniquiry and am by Nature a Son of Death 〈◊〉 a thousand-fold more the Child of Hell by 〈◊〉 wicked Practice but of thine Infinite Grace Thou hast promised Mercy to me in Christ if I will but turn to thee with all my Heart Therefore upon the Call of thy Gospel I am now come in and throwing down my Weapons submit my self to thy Mercy And because thou requirest as the Condition of my Peace with thee that I should put away mine Idols and be at Defiance with all thine Enemies which I acknowledge I have wickedly sided with against thee I here from the bottom of my Heart renounce them all firmly Covenanting with thee Not to allow my self in any known Sin but to use conscientiously all the Means that I know thou hast prescribed for the Death and utter Destruction of all my Corruptions And whereas I have formerly inordinately and idolatrously let out my Affections upon the World I do here resign my Heart to thee that mad'st it humbly protesting before thy Glorious Majesty That it is the firm Resolution of my Heart and that I do unfeignedly desire Grace from thee that when thou shalt call me hereunto I may practise this my Resolution through thy Assistance to forsake all that is dear unto me in this World rather than to turn from thee to the Ways of Sin and that I will watch against all its Temptations whether of Prosperity or Adversity lest they should withdraw my Heart from thee beseeching thee also to help me against the Temptations of Satan to whose wicked Suggestions I resolve by thy Grace never to yield my self a Servant And because my own Righteousness is but menstruous Rags I renounce all Confidence therein and acknowlege that I am of my self a hopeless helpless undone Creature without Righteousness or Strength And for as much as thou hast of thy bottomless Mercy offered most graciously to me wretched Sinner to be again my God through Christ if I would accept of thee I call Heaven and Earth to record this Day that I do here solemnly avouch thee for the Lord my God and with all possible Veneration bowing the Neck of my Soul under the Feet of thy most Sacred Majesty I do here take Thee the Lord Jehovah Father Son and Holy Ghost for my Portion and Chief Good and do give up my self Body and Soul for thy Servant promising and vowing to serve thee in Holiness and Righteousness all the Days of my Life And since thou hast appointed the Lord Jesus Christ the only Means of coming unto thee I do here upon the bended Knees of my Soul accept of him as the only new and living Way by which Sinners may have Access to thee and do here solemnly join my self in a Marriage-Covenant to him O blessed Jesus I come to thee hungry and hardly bestead poor and wretched and miserable and blind and naked a most loathsome polluted Wretch a guilty condemned Malefactor unworthy for ever to wash the Feet of the Servants of my Lord much more to be solemnly married to the King of Glory But sith such is thine unparallel'd Love I do here with all my Power accept thee and do take thee for my Head and Husband for better for worse for richer for poorer for all Times and Conditions to love and honour and obey thee before all others and this to the Death I embrace thee in all thine Offices I renounce my own Worthiness and do here avow thee for the Lord my Righteousness I renounce mine own Wisdom and do here take thee for my only Guide I renounce my own Will and take thy Will for my Law And since thou hast told me that I must suffer if I will reign I do here Covenant with thee to take my Lot as it falls with thee and by thy Grace assisting to run all Hazards with thee verily purposing that neither Life nor Death shall part between thee and me And because thou hast been pleased to give me thy holy Laws as the Rule of my Life and the Way in which I should walk to thy Kingdom I do here willingly put my Neck under thy Yoke and set my Shoulder to thy Burden and subscribing to all thy Laws as holy just and good I solemnly take them as the Rule of my Words Thoughts and Actions promising that tho' my Flesh contradict and rebel yet I will endeavour to order and govern my whole Life according to thy Direction and will not allow my self in the Neglect of any thing that I know to be my Duty Only because through the Frailty of my Flesh I am subject to many Failings I am bold humbly to protest that unallowed Miscarriages contrary to the settled Bent and Resolution of my Heart shall not make void this Covenant for so thou hast said Now Almighty God Searcher of all Hearts thou knowest that I make this Covenant with thee this Day without any known Guile or Reservation beseeching thee That if thou espiest any Flaw