Priest and Caius the French Doctor Ford. Good mine Host o'th'Garter a word with you Host What saist thou my Bully-Rooke Shal. Will you goe with vs to behold it My merry Host hath had the measuring of their weapons and I thinke appointed them contrary places for beleeue me I heare the Parson is no Iester harke I will tell you what our sport shall be Host Hast thou no suit against my Knight my guest-Caualeire Ford. None I protest but I le giue you a pottle of burn'd sacke to giue me recourse to him and tell him my name is Broome onely for a iest Host My hand Bully thou shalt haue egresse and regresse said I well and thy name shall be Broome It is a merry Knight will you goe An-heires Shal. Haue with you mine Host Page I haue heard the French-man hath good skill in his Rapier Shal. Tut Sir I could haue told you more In these times you stand on distance your Passes Stoccado's and I know not what 't is the heart Master Page 't is heere 't is heere I haue seene the time with my long-sword I would haue made you fowre tall fellowes skippe like Rattes Host Heere boyes heere heere shall we wag Page Haue with you I had rather heare them scold then fight Ford. Though Page be a secure foole and stands so firmely on his wiues frailty yet I cannot put-off my opinion so easily she was in his company at Pages house and what they made there I know not Well I will looke further into 't and I haue a disguise to sound Falstaffe if I finde her honest I loose not my labour if shee be otherwise 't is labour well bestowed Exeunt Scoena Secunda Enter Falstaffe Pistoll Robin Quickly Bardolffe Ford. Fal. I will not lend thee a penny Pist Why then the world 's mine Oyster which I with sword will open Fal. Not a penny I haue beene content Sir you should lay my countenance to pawne I haue granted vpon my good friends for three Repreeues for and your Coach fellow Nim or else you had look'd through the grate like a Geminy of Baboones I am damn'd in hell for swearing to Gentlemen my friends you were good Souldiers and tall-fellowes And when Mistresse Briget lost the handle of her Fan I took 't vpon mine honour thou hadst it not Pist Didst not thou share hadst thou not fifteene pence Fal. Reason you roague reason thinkst thou I le endanger my soule gratis at a word hang no more about mee I am no gibbet for you goe a short knife and a throng to your Mannor of Pickt-hatch goe you 'll not beare a Letter for mee you roague you stand vpon your honour why thou vnconfinable basenesse it is as much as I can doe to keepe the termes of my honour precise I I I my selfe sometimes leauing the feare of heauen on the left hand and hiding mine honor in my necessity am faine to shuffle to hedge and to lurch and yet you Rogue will en-sconce your raggs your Cat-a-Mountaine-lookes your red-lattice phrases your boldbeatingoathes vnder the shelter of your honor you will not doe it you Pist I doe relent what would thou more of man Robin Sir here 's a woman would speake with you Fal. Let her approach Qui. Giue your worship good morrow Fal. Good-morrow good-wife Qui. Not so and 't please your worship Fal. Good maid then Qui. I le be sworne As my mother was the first houre I was borne Fal. I doe beleeue the swearer what with me Qui. Shall I vouch-safe your worship a word or two Fal. Two thousand faire woman and I le vouchsafe thee the hearing Qui. There is one Mistresse Ford Sir I pray come a little neerer this waies I my selfe dwell with Master Doctor Caius Fal. Well on Mistris Ford you say Qui. Your worship saies very true I pray your worship come a little neerer this waies Fal. I warrant thee no-bodie heares mine owne people mine owne people Qui. Are they so heauen-blesse them and make them his Seruants Fal. Well Mistresse Ford what of her Qui. Why Sir shee 's a good creature Lord Lord your Worship 's a wanton well heauen forgiue you and all of vs I pray Fal. Mistresse Ford come Mistresse Ford. Qui. Marry this is the short and the long of it you haue brought her into such a Canaries as 't is wonderfull the best Courtier of them all when the Court lay at Windsor could neuer haue brought her to such a Canarie yet there has beene Knights and Lords and Gentlemen with their Coaches I warrant you Coach after Coach letter after letter gift aftee gift smelling so sweetly all Muske and so rushling I warrant you in silke and golde and in such alligant tearmes and in such wine and suger of the best and the fairest that would haue wonne any womans heart and I warrant you they could neuer get an eye-winke of her I had my selfe twentie Angels giuen me this morning but I defie all Angels in any such sort as they say but in the way of honesty and I warrant you they could neuer get her so much as sippe on a cup with the prowdest of them all and yet there has beene Earles nay which is more Pentioners but I warrant you all is one with her Fal. But what saies shee to mee bee briefe my good shee Mercurie Qui. Marry she hath receiu'd your Letter for the which she thankes you a thousand times and shee giues you to notifie that her husband will be absence from his house betweene ten and eleuen Fal. Ten and eleuen Qui. I forsooth and then you may come and see the picture she sayes that you wot of Master Ford her husband will be from home alas the sweet woman leads an ill life with him hee 's a very iealousie-man shee leades a vere framepold life with him good heart Fal. Ten and eleuen Woman commend me to her I will not faile her Qui. Why you say well But I haue another messenger to your worship Mistresse Page hath her heartie commendations to you to and let me tell you in your eare shee 's as fartuous a ciuill modest wife and one I tell you that will not misse you morning nor euening prayer as any is in Windsor who ere be the other and shee bade mee tell your worship that her husband is seldome from home but shee hopes there will come a time I neuer knew a woman so doate vpon a man surely I thinke you haue charmes la yes in truth Fal. Not I I assure thee setting the attraction of my good parts aside I haue no other charmes Qui. Blessing on your heart for 't Fal. But I pray thee tell me this has Fords wife and Pages wise acquainted each other how they loue me Qui. That were a iest indeed they haue not so little grace I hope that were a tricke indeed But Mistis Page would desire you to send her your little Page of all loues her husband has a maruellous infection to
call him poore They say the iealous wittolly-knaue hath masses of money for the which his wife seemes to me well-fauourd I will vse her as the key of the Cuckoldly-rogues Coffer ther 's my haruest home Ford. I would you knew Ford sir that you might auoid him if you saw him Fal. Hang him mechanicall-salt-butter rogue I will stare him out of his wits I will awe-him with my cudgell it shall hang like a Meteor ore the Cuckolds horns Master Broome thou shalt know I will predominate ouer the pezant and thou shalt lye with his wife Come to me soone at night Ford's a knaue and I will aggrauate his stile thou Master Broome shalt know him for knaue and Cuckold Come to me soone at night Ford. What a damn'd Epicurian-Rascall is this my heart is ready to cracke with impatience who saies this is improuident iealousie my wife hath sent to him the howre is fixt the match is made would any man haue thought this see the hell of hauing a faire woman my bed shall be abus'd my Coffers ransack'd my reputation gnawne at and I shall not onely receiue this villanous wrong but stand vnder the adoption of abhominable termes and by him that does me this wrong Termes names Amaimon sounds well Lucifer well Barbason wel yet they are Diuels additions the names of fiends But Cuckold Wittoll Cuckold the Diuell himselfe hath not such a name Page is an Asse a secure Asse hee will trust his wife hee will not bee iealous I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter Person Hugh the Welshman with my Cheese an Irish man with my Aqua-vitae-bottle or a Theefe to walke my ambling gelding then my wife with her selfe Then she plots then shee rumiuates then shee deuises and what they thinke in their hearts they may effect they will breake their hearts but they will effect Heauen bee prais'd for my iealousie eleuen o'clocke the howre I will preuent this detect my wife bee reueng'd on Falstaffe and laugh at Page I will about it beter three houres too soone then a mynute too late fie fie fie Cuckold Cuckold Cuckold Exit Scena Tertia Enter Caius Rugby Page Shallow Slender Host Caius Iacke Rugby Ru. Sir Caius Vat lothe clocke Iack. Rug. 'T is past the howre Sir that Sir Hugh promis'd to meet Caius By gar he has saue his soule dat he is no-come hee has pray his Pible well dat hee is no-come by gar lack Rugby he is dead already if he be come Rug Hee is wise Sir hee knew your worship would kill him if he came Caius By gar de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him take your Rapier Iacke I vill tell you how I vill kill him Rug. Alas sir I cannot fence Cai. Villanie take your Rapier Rug. For beare heer 's company Host ' Blesse thee bully-Doctor Shal. ' Saue you Master Doctor Caius Page Now good Master Doctor Slen. ' Giue you good morrow sir Caius Vat be all you one two tree fowre come for Host To see thee fight to see thee foigne to see thee trauerse to see thee heâ—re to see thee there to see thee passe thy puncto thy stocke thy reuerse thy distance thy montant Is hee dead my Ethiopian Is he dead my Francisco ha Bully what saies my Esculapius my Gallen my heart of Elder ha is he dead bully-Stale is he dead Cai. By gar he is de Coward Iack-Priest of de vorld he is not show his face Host Thou art a Castalion-king Vrinall Hector of Greece my Boy Cai. I pray you beare witnesse that mee haue stay sixe or seuen two tree howres for him and hee is no-come Shal. He is the wiserman Master Doctor he is a curer of soules and you a curer of bodies if you should fight you goe against the haire of your professions is it not true Master Page Page Master Shallow you haue your selfe beene a great great fighter though now a man of peace Shal. Body-kins M. Page though I now be old and of the peace if I see a sword out my finger itches to make one though wee are Iustices and Doctors and Church-men Master Page wee haue some salt of our youth 〈◊〉 vs we are the sons of women Master Page Page 'T is true Mister Shallow Shal. It will be found so M. Page M. Doctor Caius I am come to fetch you home I am sworn of the peace you haue show'd your selfe a wise Physician and Sir Hugh hath showne himselfe a wise and patient Churchman you must goe with me M. Doctor Host Pardon Guest-Iustice a Mounseur Mocke-water Cai. Mock-vater vat is dat Host Mock-water in our English tongue is Valour Bully Cai. By gar then I haue as much Mock-vater as de Englishman scuruy-lade dog-Priest by gar mee vill his eares Host He will Clapper claw thee tightly Bully Cai. Clapper de claw vat is dat Host That is he will make thee amends Cai. By gar me doe looke he shall clapper-de-claw me for by-gar me vill haue it Host And I will prouoke him to 't or let him wag Cai. Me tanck you for dat Host And moreouer Bully but first Master Ghuest and M. Page and eeke Caualeâ—ro Slender goe you through the Towneto Frogmore Page Sir Hugh is there is he Host He is there see what humor hee is in and I will bring the Doctor about by the Fields will it doe well Shal. Wee will doe it All. Adieu good Master Doctor Cai. By-gar me vill kill de Priest for he speake for a Iack-an-Ape to Anne Page Host Let him die sheath thy impatience throw cold water on thy Choller goe about the fields with me through Frogmore I will bring thee where Mistris Anne Page is at a Farm-house a Feasting and thou shalt wooe her Cride-game said I well Cai. By-gar me danck you vor dat by gar I loue you and I shall procure'a you de good Guest de Earle de Knight de Lords de Gentlemen my patients Host For the which I will be thy aduersary toward Anne Page said I well Cai. By-gar 't is good vell said Host Let vs wag then Cai. Come at my heeles Iack Rugby Exeunt Actus Tertius Scoena Prima Enter Euans Simple Page Shallow Slender Host Caius Rugby Euans I pray you now good Master Slenders seruingman and friend Simple by your name which way haue you look'd for Master Caius that calls himselfe Doctor of Phisicke Simp. Marry Sir the pittie-ward the Parke-ward euery way olde Windsor way and euery way but the Towne-way Euan. I most fehemently desire you you will looke that way Simp. I will sir Euan. ' Plesse my soule how full of Chollors I am and trempling of minde I shall be glad if hee haue deceiued me how melancholies I am I will knog his Vrinalls about his knaues costard when I haue good oportunities for the orke Plesse my soule To shallow Riuers to whose falls melodious Birds sing Madrigalls There will wee make our Peds of Roses and a thousand fragrant
I ne're made my Will yet I thanke Heauen I am not such a sickely creature I giue Heauen praise Anne I meane M. Sender what would you with me Slen. Truely for mine owne part I would little or nothing with you your father and vncle hath made motions if it be my lucke so if not happy man be his dole they can tell you how things goe better then I can you may your father heere he comes Page Now Master Slender Loue him daughter Anne Why how now What does Master Fenton here You wrong me Sir thus still to haunt my house I told you Sir my daughter is disposd of Fen. Nay Master Page be not impatient Mist Page Good Master Fenton come not to my child Page She is no match for you Fen. Sir will you heare me Page No good Master Fenton Come M. Shallow Come sonne Slender in Knowing my minde vou wrong me M. Fenton Qui. Speake to Mistris Page Fen. Good Mistris Page for that I loue your daughter In such a righteous fashion as I do Perforce against all checkes rebukes and manners I must aduance the colours or my loue And not retire Let me haue your good will Anne Good mother do not marry me to yond foole Mist Page I meane it not I seeke you a better husband Qu. That 's my master Master Doctor Anne Alas I had rather be set quicki'th earth And bowl'd to death with Turnips Mist Page Come trouble not your selfe good Master Fenton I will not be your friend nor enemy My daughter will I question how she loues you And as I finde her so am I affected Till then farewill Sir she must needs go in Her father will be angry Fen Farewell gentle Mistris farewell Nan. Qu. This is my doing now Nay saine I will you cast away your childe on a Foole and a Physitian Looke on Master Fenton this is my doing Fen. I thanke thee and I pray thee once to night Giue my sweet Nan this Ring there 's for thy paines Qu. Now heauen send thee good fortune a kinde heart he hath a woman would run through fire and water for such a kinde heart But yet I would my Master had Mistris Anne or I would Master Slender had her or in sooth I would Master Fenton had her I will doe what I can for them all three for so I haue promised and I le be as good as my word but speciously for Master Fenton Well I must of another errand to Sir Iohn Falstaffe from my two Mistresses what a beast am I to slacke it Exeunt Scoena Quarta Enter Falstaffe Bardolfe Quickly Ford. Fal. Bardolfe I say Bar. Heere Sir Fal. Go fetch me a quart of Sacke put a tost in 't Haue I liu'd to be carried in a Basket like a barrow of butchers Offall and to be throwne in the Thames Wel if I be seru'd such another tricke I le haue my braines ' tane out and butter'd and giuen them to a dogge for a New-yeares gift The rogues slighted mee into the Riuer with as little remorse as they would haue drown'de ablinde bitches Puppies fifteene i' th litter and you may know by my size that I haue a kinde of alacrity in sinking if the bottome were as deepe as hell I should downe I had beene drown'd but that the shore was sheluy and shallow a death that I abhorre for the water swelles a man and what a thing should I haue beene when I had beene swel'd I should haue beene a Mountaine of Mummie Bar. Here 's M. Quickly Sir to speake with you Fal. Come let me poure in some Sacke to the Thames water for my bellies as cold as if I had swallow'd snow-bals for pilles to coole the reines Call her in Bar. Come in woman Qui. By your leaue I cry you mercy Giue your worship good morrow Fal. Take away these Challices Go brew me a pottle of Sacke finely Bard. With Egges Sir Fal. Simple of it selfe I le no Pullet-Spersme in my brewage How now Qui. Marry Sir I come to your worship from M. Ford. Fal. Mis Ford I haue had Ford enough I was thrown into the Ford I haue my belly full of Ford. Qui. Alas the day good-heart that was not her fault she do's so take on with her men they mistooke their promise erection Fal. So did I mine to build vpon a foolish Womans Qui. Well she laments Sir for it that it would yern your heart to see it her husband goes this morning a birding she desires you once more to come to her betweene eight and nine I must carry her word quickely she 'll make you amends I warrant you Fal. Well I will visit her tell her so and bidde her thinke what a man is Let her consider his frailety and then iudge of my merit Qui. I will tell her Fal. Do so Betweene nine and ten saist thou Qui. Eight and nine Sir Fal. Well be gone I will not misse her Qu. Peace be with you Sir Fal. I meruaile I heare not of Master Broome he sent me word to stay within I like his money well Oh heere he comes Ford. Blesse you Sir Fal. Now M. Broome you come to know What hath past betweene me and Fords wife Ford. That indeed Sir Iohn is my businesse Fal M. Broome I will not lye to you I was at her house the houre she appointed me Ford. And sped you Sir Fal. Very ill fauouredly M. Broome Ford. How so sir did she change her determination Fal. No M. Broome but the peaking Curnuio her husband M. Broome dwelling in a continnall larum of ielousie comes me in the instant of our encounter after wee had embrast kist protested and as it were spoke the prologue of our Comedy and at his heeles a rabble of his companions thither prouoked and instigated by his distemper and forsooth to search his house for his wiues Loue. Ford. What While you were there Fal. While I was there Ford. And did he search for you and could not find you Fal. You shall heare As good lucke would haue it comes in one Mist Page giues intelligence of Fords approach and in her inuention and Fords wiues distraction they conuey'd me into a bucke-basket Ford. A Buck-basket Fal. Yes a Buck-basket ram'd mee in with foule Shirts and Smockes Socks foule Stockings greasie Napkins that Master Broome there was the rankest compound of villanous smell that euer offended nostrill Ford. And how long lay you there Fal. Nay you shall heare Master Broome what I haue suffered to bring this woman to euill for your good Being thus cram'd in the Basket â— couple of Fords knaues his Hindes were cald forth by their Mistris to carry mee in the name of foule Cloathes to Datchet lane they tooke mee on their shoulders met the iealous knaue their Master in the doore who asked them once or twice what they had in their Basket I quak'd for feare lest the Lunatique Knaue would haue search'd it but Fate ordaining hee should bee a Cuckold held
not heere now hee shall see his owne foolerie Mis Ford. How neere is he Mistrs Page Mist Page Hard by at street end he will be here anon Mist Ford. I am vndone the Knight is heere Mist Page Why then you are vtterly sham'd and hee 's but a dead man What a woman are you Away with him away with him Better shame then murther Mist Ford. Which way should he goe How should I bestow him Shall I put him into the basket againe Fal. No I le come no more i' th Basket May I not goe out ere he come Mist Page Alas three of Master Fords brothers watch the doore with Pistols that none shall issue out otherwise you might slip away ere hee came But what make you heere Fal. What shall I doe I le creepe vp into the chimney Mis Ford. There they alwayes vse to discharge their Birding-peece creepe into the Kill hole Fal. Where is it Mis Ford. Hee will seeke there on my word Neyther Presse Coffer Chest Trunke Well Vault but hee hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places and goes to them by his Note There is no hiding you in the house Fal. I le goe out then Mist Ford. If you goe out in your owne semblance you die Sir Iohn vnlesse you go out disguis'd Mis Ford. How might we disguise him Mis Page Alas the day I know not there is no womans gowne bigge enough for him otherwise he Might put on a hat a muffler and kerchiefe and so escape Fal. Good hearts diuise something any extremitie rather then a mischiefe Mis Ford. My Maids Aunt the fat woman of Brainford has a gowne aboue Mis Page On my word it will serue him shee 's as big as he is and there 's her thrum'd hat and her muffler too run vp Sir Iohn Mis Ford. Go go sweet Sir Iohn Mistris Page and I will looke some linnen for your head Mis Page Quicke quicke wee 'le come dresse you straight put on the gowne the while Mis Ford. I would my husband would meete him in this shape he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford hee sweares she 's a witch forbad her my house and hath threatned to beate her Mis Page Heauen guide him to thy husbands cudgell and the diuell guide his cudgell afterwards Mis Ford. But is my husband comming Mis Page I in good sadnesse is hee and talkes of the basket too howsoeuer he hath had intelligence Mis Ford. Wee 'l try that for I le appoint my men to carry the basket againe to meete him at the doore with it as they did last time Mist Page Nay but hee 'l be heere presently let goe dresse him like the witch of Brainford Mist Ford. I le first direct my men what they shall doe with the basket Goe vp I le bring linnen for him straight Mist Page Hang him dishonst Varlet We cannot misuse enough Well leaue a proofe by that which we will doe Wiues may be merry and yet honest too We do not acte that often iest and laugh 'T is old but true Still Swine eats all the draugh Mist Ford. Go Sirs take the bas basket againe on your shoulders your Master is hard at doore if he bid you set it downe obey him quickly dispatch 1 Ser. Come come take it vp 2 Ser. Pray heauen it be not full of Knight againe 1 Ser. I hope not I had liefe as beare so much lead Ford. I but if it proue true Master Page haue you any way then to vnfoole mee againe Set downe the basket villaine some body call my wife Youth in a basket Oh you Panderly Rascals there 's a knot a gin a packe a conspiracie against mee Now shall the diuel be sham'd-What wise I say Come come forth behold what honest cloathes you send forth to bleaching Page Why this passes Master Ford you are not to goe loose any longer you must be pinnion'd Euanâ— Why this is Lunaticks this is madde as a mad dogge Shal. In deed Master Ford this is not well indeed Ford. So say I too Sir come hither Mistris Ford Mistris Ford the honest woman the modest wife the vertuous creature that hath the iealous foole to her husband I suspect without cause Mistris do I Mist Ford. Heauen be my witnesse you do if you suspect me in any dishonesty Ford. Well said Brazen-face hold it out Come forth sirrah Page This passes Mist Ford. Are you not a sham'd let the cloths alone Ford. I shall finde you anon Euan. 'T is vnreasonable will you take vp your wiues cloathes Come away Ford. Empty the basket I say Mis Ford. Why man why Ford. Master Page as I am a man there was one conuay'd out of my house yesterday in this basket why may not he be there againe in my house I am sure hee is my Intelligence is true my iealousie is reasonable plucke mee out all the linnen Mist Ford. If you find a man there hee shall dye a Fleas death Page Heer 's no man Shal. By my fidelity this is not well Master Ford This wrongs you Euans Master Ford you must pray and not follow the imaginations of your owne heart this is iealousies Ford. Well hee 's not heere I seeke for Page No nor no where else but in your braine Ford. Helpe to search my house this one time if I find not what I seeke shew no colour for my extremity Let me for euer be your Table-sport Let them say of me as iealous as Ford that search'd a hollow Wall-nut for his wiues Lemman Satisfie me once more once more serch with me Mist Ford. What hoa Mistris Page come you and the old woman downe my husband will come into the Chamber Ford. Old woman what old woman 's that M. Ford. Why it is my maids Aunt of Brainford Ford A witch a Queane an olde couzening queane Haue I not forbid her my house She comes of errands do's she We are simple men wee doe not know what 's brought to passe vnder the profession of Fortune telling She workes by Charmes by Spels by th' Figure and such dawbry as this is beyond our Element wee know nothing Come downe you Witch you Hagge you come downe I say Mis Ford. Nay good sweet husband good Gentlemen let him not strike the old woman Mis Page Come mother Prat Come giue me your hand Ford. I le Prat-her Out of my doore you Witch you Hagge you Baggage you Poulcat you Runnion out out I le coniure you I le fortune tell you Mis Page Are you not a sham'd I thinke you haue kill'd the poore woman Mis Ford. Nay hee will do it 't is a goodly credit for you Ford. Hang her witch Euan. By yea and no I thinke the o'man is a witch indeede I like not when a o'mans has a great peard I spie a great peard vnder his muffler Ford. Will you follow Gentlemen I beseech you follow see but the issue of my iealousie If I cry out thus vpon no traile neuer trust me when I open