passe through that place that cannot be named with modestie And which is a point worthy obseruation can it neuer sufficiently be wondred at that the things which shold be meanes to roote superstition out of their minds should plant and root it in them more and more For they should haue had their breaden god in iealousie and then at least haue suspected him when they saw his blood and flesh poyson men his blood poysoning William Archbishop of Yorke in the time of Pope Anastasius the fourth and his flesh poysoning the Emperour Henrie the seuenth by meanes of one Bernard of Montpolitian a Iacobin Fryer being one of the faction of the Guelphes Neither ought they onely to suspect it but altogether to reiect it with adieu in the diuels name seeing it suffereth it selfe to be deuoured of beasts For it is well knowne that the magnificent Maygret now deceased had a litle shag haired spaniell which ate fourescore of them to his breakfast and all without drinke But how shold it be reuenged of dogs when it cannot saue it selfe from mice For these pretie beasts haue not onely bene so bold as to go into his pixe to nibble at him there but haue also presumed to runne away with him lying vpon the Altar whilest the Priest was asleepe in his memento which accident happened as we know at a towne called Saint Marie and at Paris in Saint Marries Church Verily such accidents as these should haue taught them a litle more wit and to haue thought with themselues how farre they came short of their reckoning in attributing Gods diuine attributes to such a peece of past which suffers it self to be deuoured of a mouse Whereas they contrarily as often as any such thing happened added one foolerie to another For example at Lodeue in Gascoine wheras the mouse which had eaten vp this breaden god should haue made them open their eyes to see the cosening tricks wherewith they had bene abused they notwithstanding were so farre from surceasing to giue to other peeces of past his fellowes as great honour as before that they canonized the mouse calling her the holy mouse The like brutishnesse was knowne to haue bene practised during the last garboiles in France For a certaine gentleman Masse-marrer whom I could name if it were needfull hauing heard the sound of the sacring bell in the streets as he was on his way asked what it meant and hauing learned that it gaue warning that they were readie to the Eleuation as a man would say to lift or raise vp god said to his men Let vs make hast that we may come before he get vp and serue him as groomes of his chamber for my part I will bring him his cleane shirt Who being come thither tooke this fine god and offered him to his horse before them all who beheld this fact with exceeding great astonishment but when they saw the horse thrust out his nose as soone as the brâ—aden god came neare him they said it was an argument that he had bin accustomed to receiue his maker And this puts me in mind of the holy penknife that is the peÌ„knife wherwith a consecrated host was pricked at Paris by a Iew which was afterwards reckoned in the number of holy reliques in one of the Churches of the said citie at S. Iohns in Greue as I remember as if by such an action it had bene hallowed See here gentle Reader how these fellowes in stead of scorning these gods which suffered themselues to be murthered and eaten vp of vermin haue not ceased to worship them as much as euer before nay to adore the deuourers and murtherers of them for I call the pen-knife wherewith this stab was giuen a murtherer 2 And we shall the lesse wonder how men could euer be so brutish as to lend their eares to such doctrine if we consider in what account they held the authors thereof For though Angels descending in some visible shape from heauen should haue come preached vnto them they could not haue entertained them with greater reuerence then they did a rabblement of wicked and abhominable lolling-lobbies which fed theÌ„ not onely with plaine lyes but with lyes ful of impietie and worse without comparison then Talmudicall or Mahometicall fables But to descend from the generall to particulars that is from sundry sorts and sects of hypocriticall shauelings to come to one will not this be a wonderment to posterity that men should attribute so much to Franciscans yea to their very attire as to cause children to weare it for a time that by this meanes they may come to mans estate That some should weare it a litle before their death feeling themselues deadly sicke That others who had no leasure to weare it before should take order by their wils to be interred in it And who I beseech you were they that vsed this kind of Metamorphosis Verily great Lords as much or rather more then the common people yea euen kings and Emperours themselues Indeed the Earle of Carpi being one of the last that turned Frier in this sort is left alone as a by-word and laughing stocke to all posteritie But the greater part not content with their habit betooke themselues to their couent bequeathing vnto them their goods and so defrauding their children or kinsfolk who in equity and conscience should haue bene their heirs And as for those that would needs become Franciscans will not posterity wonder to heare that since this fancie tooke them in the head to become of this order of religious men they were so far from taking aduise and counsel of their parents that if it had bene necessary in entring into that order to tread father mother vnder their feet they thought they were bound to do it And to the end they might the more enrich themselues by this meanes they were so impudent and shamelesse in abusing the simplicitie of the poore people that they made no bones to tell them yea to make them beleeue that there was no other meanes in the world whereby the diuell could be saued but by perswading him to take the habit of Saint Francis Indeed I do not remember that I haue read this in the booke of Conformities but sure I am that I haue read in it farre more impudent lies in praise and commendation of their order 3 Now albeit the mishaps which dayly befel Iean blanke their breaden God should haue opened the eyes of these miserable idolaters yet they shut them so much the more The like may be said of their blindnesse and brutishnesse simplicitie and sottishnesse in not espying the knauery of the false Friers For that which should haue discouered vnto them the villanie filthines of these miscreants did the more confirme them in the preiudicate opinion which they had of their holinesse I wil record for example that which happened in our own time at the death of that famous Franciscan De Cornibus It is well knowne that this knaue died of
if she did not restore it again tooke him aside and leading him into a corner apart told him secretly True it is indeed I cut your purse and put it in my basket among the rest so that I know not which of them it is see if you can know it better then my selfe And thus she made him looke for it in her basket which was almost full of them I haue also heard of an old woman who seeing a poore wench much grieued for that her purse was cut told her that she knew a good remedie for it Deale quoth she as thou hast bene dealt with The wench easily perswaded to follow her aduice did so and so it was that in the first purse which she cut she found her owne purse againe 20 But before I proceed to prosecute the second kind of theft I will shew a pitifull and lamentable thing accompanying these poore wretches executed for robberies more to be bewailed at this day then euer For where there is one that is touched with remorse of conscience or confesseth his offence before he giue his last farewel to the world or call to God for mercie there are ten that die like dogs hauing no more feeling of the frowne or fauour the iustice or mercy of God then bruite beasts And how many are there I beseech you who are turned off the ladder whilest they are in their gibes and iests One being in this case said Sirs see you tell not my friends that you saw me on the gallowes for so you may chance make me runne mad Another Masters tell me in good faith do you think I wold euer haue come hither if I had not bin brought Another when his ghostly father bad him plucke vp a good heart for he should surely go that day to Paradise O sir quoth he it will suffice if I come thither to morrow night Another when Sir Iohn told him My friend I assure you you shall suppe this night with God in heauen answered Go and sup there your selfe for I am purposed to fast to day or Go you in my roome and I will pay your shot Another being vpon the ladder asked for drinke and because the hang-man dranke before him he said he durst not pledge him for feare of the French poxe Another being led to the gallows said he would not go through such a street for feare of the plague Another I wil not passe through such a lane for I am indebted to one there who will arrest me Another said to the hang-man now ready to turne him off looke well what thou doest for if thou tickle me thou wilt make me start But this of a Picard is most famous of all the rest to whom being vpon the ladder they brought a poore weather-beaten wench that had miscaried telling him that if he would promise vpon his faith and saluation to take her to wife they would saue his life whereupon desiring to see her go and perceiuing that she was lame and that she limped he turned himselfe to the hang-man and said Attaque attaque elle eloque Dispatch dispatch she halteth And I remember that being at supper in Auspurge with Charles de Marillac then Bishop of Vienna and Ambassadour for the French King when this story was told a Dutch gentleman who was at the table paralleled it with another very like of an accident that happened in Denmarke to wit of a man adiudged to the block to whom being vpon the scaffold they brought a woman that had trod awry offering him the same condition they had done the former where the fellow hauing viewed her well and perceiuing that she had a sharpe nose and flat cheekes said he would not buy repentance so deare vttering withall a Dutch prouerbe in rime the meaning whereof is this vnder a sharpe nose and flat cheekes there is no good to be found I remember also that it was concluded out of these examples at that supper that whores in former times were more hated and abhorred then at this day But to leaue this discourse and to returne in a word to the iests and scoffes of these wicked wretches I will onely adde this one thing that if there were nothing else to shew the power and efficacie of Gods word where it hath free passage this alone were sufficient to proue that where mens consciences are touched to the quicke such euents are seldome or neuer seene because the word of God teaching what eternall life and eternall death meane and piercing through as the Apostle saith euen to the diuiding of the soule and the spirit causeth the stoutest champions and most desperate ruffians seriously to bethinke themselues of their future estate whereas mens forged and deuised doctrines vnder colour of religion dull some and minister vnto others matter of laughter 21 I proceed now to the second kind of theft which I kept in store for women I meane that whereby they hornifie their husbands And here calling adultery theft I follow the Latine where furtum which properly signifieth theft is often taken for adulterium that is adultery For which cause it is called by a periphrasis furtiua Venus furtiua voluptas furtiua gaudia and furtiua nox The like circumlocutions being vsed also in Greeke And so a child begotten in adultery is called in French Vn enfant desrobé And verily all things being duly considered it will be found that there is no theft comparable to this if we regard the common saying That which is worth the stealing is worth the restoring Which cannot be said of the theft we now speake of for how can a woman restore that vnto her husband which she stealeth not from him but rather alienateth and loseth in suffering it to be taken from her or what honorable satisfaction may make amends for such a fault Therefore it was excellently said by the wittiest of all the Latine Poets nulla reparabilis arte Laesa pudicitia est deperit illa semel Who also in a ciuill and modest manner doth not onely expresse adultery by this or the like phrases Laedere pudorem which signifieth word for word to hurt or wrong ones chastitie but by others also which properly signifie theft as when he saith Auferre pudorem and rapere pudorem Of the first we haue an example in the second booke of his Metamorphosis in these words Et silet laesi da◠signa rubore pudoris Of the second in the sixt Aut linguam atque oculos quae tibi membra pudorem Abstulerant ferro rapiam And in the first tenuitque fugam rapuitque pudorem And in the Epistle of Helena to Paris Nec spolium nostri turpe pudoris habe Which is spoken of a married man and of her of whom he deliuered that excellent saying formerly mentioned In which phrases we are to obserue the word pudor shame which signifieth that a woman committing such a fact doth not only loose her good name as we say in French Oster l'honneur
intreat him in her husbands behalf whom he kept in prison he requested her to do him a small pleasure onely to giue him a nights lodging promising vpon that condition to grant whatsoeuer she would aske She poore soule was here put to a plunge and what woman is there who entirely loueth her husband that would not haue bene in the like case For considering with her selfe on the one side that if shee yeelded to his impotent affection she should violate her faith plighted to her husband and one the other side that she should saue his life by consenting vnto him she handled the matter warily and well For although she was resolued to preferre her husbands life before her good name yet she first acquainted him therewith who easily dispensing with her as it is like he would she let his Lordship take his pleasure which he so much desired perswading her selfe he would be as good as his word But the next morning this wicked wretch yea supersuperlatiue knaue if I may so speake hauing hanged him said vnto her I promised indeed you should haue your husband againe Well I wil be as good as my word I wil not keep him frō you take him to you If we here consider the difference which ought to be between Christians heathen can we say that the knaueries of Verres for which he was so battered with the canon shot and striken downe with the thunderbolt of Tullies eloquence did any way come neare this notorious villany cōmitted notwithstanding in the sight of the Sunne I haue often heard of another of his knauish parts which because it makes much to shew his integritie may well go hand in hand with the former that so both of them may be registred in his chronicles Whilst this iolly gentleman was about to hang a silly soule who was vpon the ladder a good fellow came vnto him and whispered in his eare promising that if he would saue his life he would giue him a hundred crownes in ready money which words had so good a rellish and made his teeth so to water that he presently gaue a signe to the hang-man to hold his hand hauing deuised a good scābling shift came neare to the place of execution said aloud in his gibbridge Regardas messeurs en qual dangi◠me mettio a quest malhurous Car el a courone non m'oudisio pas Lo mal de terre te vire Dauala dauala tu seras menat dauant l'official ton iuge That is See my maisters into what danger this roague hath brought me for he hath courone and neuer told me A plague light on thee Come downe come downe Sirra thou shalt be presented before the officiall thy Iudge And here I remember another tricke yet farre more strange plaid by another who had the same office This good fellow desirous on the one side to saue a theeues life that was committed into his hands vpō condition he might haue a share in the booty as was formerly agreed and on the other side fearing lest the people should murmur and mutine if he suffered not the Law to haue his course and that himselfe should be in danger of his life he shifted it thus He apprehended a simple fellow and told him that he had sought for him a long time and that he was the man that had committed such a fact The silly soule denied it stoutly as one whose conscience acquit him of all that was laid to his charge But the Prouost being resolued to proceed on and to prosecute the matter against him to the proofe suborned certaine good fellowes to deale with him vnder hand and to shew him that it was better for him to confesse the fact seeing that whether he denied or confessed it there was no remedy he was sure to lose his life and that if he confessed it the Prouost wold be bound by oth to cause so many masses to be said for him that he might assure himself he should go to heauen and though he denyed it he shold be hanged neuerthelesse and go to the diuell because no man would procure him so much as one masse The simple sot hearing that he should be hanged and after go the diuell was terribly affraid and said that he had rather be hanged and so go to God In the end he told them he did not remember that euer he committed any such thing notwithstanding if any man did better remember it then himselfe and were sure of it he would dye patiently onely he besought them in any hand to keepe touch with him for his masses He had no sooner spoken the word but he was brought to the place of execution to supply his roome that had deserued death Howbeit being vpon the ladder he vttered certaine speeches by which he gaue the people to vnderstand that he was sorry that euer he had confessed so much notwithstanding the heauen and happinesse they had promised him To remedy which inconuenience the Prouost gaue a signe to the hangmā to turne him off the ladder lest he should tell tales out of the schoole which was done accordingly But because I am come to the very height of these mens impieties I will here strike saile and direct my course to another coast 3 And if I must needs speake of Iudges and Iustices wiues as well as Maillard and Menot be it knowne vnto all men that they are not content to haue their gownes died in the blood of the poore nor to get their liuing by the sweat of their bodies as those houswiues mentioned by the foresaid preachers but make their market better and go a nearer way to the wood For wheras they get nothing but braue apparrell and iewels by such sweat these get offices besides for their husbands And what say these gentle Gillians and chast Penelopes Quae faciunt placitum Domini Abbatis Domini Episcopi Domini Cardinalis as Menot speaketh when they see their husbands aduanced by their meanes but that it is good to haue the fauour of great Lords and that a man cannot tell what need he may haue of their helping hand Questionlesse if Menot or Maillard were now liuing they would answer them roundly if they had not forgotten their old Latin Ad omnes Diabolos talem fauorem 4 Which being so it cannot be but that that wicked kind of cheating and chaffering which was vsed in Menots time as we may perceiue by his complaints should be much more common and ordinary at this day viz. that Lawyers should lend their consciences to great Lords For seeing they obtaine offices of them at so easie a rate viz. by their meere fauour they cannot chuse as they thinke who haue as large a conscience as a ship-mans hose or a Franciscans sleeue which others call a cheuerell conscience but make them win the day and cary the cause though they should offer the greatest wrong in the world Notwithstanding I do not affirme that all maried men which are promoted by
vsed the like trechery for hauing inuited a bailiffe of the towne to dinner called Herman Grin and making great shew of loue and kindnesse albeit they hated him to the death they led him out to see a Lion which they kept in honor of their Bishop whom they knew to be hunger-bit and he was no sooner come into the place but they shut the doore vpon him The man seeing himselfe in this danger plucked vp a good heart and winding his cloake about his left arme thrust it into the Lions mouth as he came rushing vpon him and with his right hand thrust his rapier into his belly and slue him 9 But to returne to Prelates we reade how one Henry Archbishop of Collen most cruelly tormented Earle Fredericke for hauing broken his armes legs thighs back and neck vpon the wheele he caused him to finish the rest of his life in lingring paine exposing him to the crowes 10 But if any desire to heare of a cruelty not proceeding from reuenge but committed in a merriment against such as neuer gaue the least offence this it is In the raigne of the Emperour Otho the great Hatto Bishop of Ments tooke such pitie vpon the poore in the time of a great dearth that he got a multitude of them together into a barne and burned them all therein saying that they differed nothing from rats which deuoured corne and were good for nothing But obserue the fearfull terrible and horrible iudgement of God which befell him whilest he was yet liuing for he sent great troupes of rats which after they had grieuously tormented him ate him vp quicke And it litle auailed him to go vp to the top of his high tower to saue himselfe for the rats hunting him from place to place pursued him thither also whereupon it is called The rats tower vnto this day And yet notwithstanding this fearfull example Heribert Archbishop of Collen had a brother who vsed the poore after the same manner in the time of a dearth 11 But what shall we say of a Iacobine who poisoned the Emperour Henry the seuenth with his breaden God which he gaue him in the consecrated host What will the Friers Diuell do trow we if their God be so dangerous to deale with Vpon which argument I writ this sporting huictain Les Payens ne vouloyent mettre au nombre des Dieux Ceux qui au genre humain estoyent pernicieux Si le Dieu de paste est vn Dieu qui empoisonne Dont l'Empereur Henri tesmoignage nous donne Que diroyent les Payens de ces gentils Docteurs Qui les hommes ont fait de lui adorateurs Car si leur Dieu ne fait de meurtrir conscience Entre leur Diable Dieu quelle est la difference That is Neuer did Pagans mong'st their Gods recite Who euer mortall wight had ill bestead If then the God of bread can poison hide As hath bene tride by Henry to his bane What would our Pagans faine that knew of yore How they do it adore with bended knee For if their God be free to worke such euill What difference is betwixt their God and Deuill If any shall haply obiect that these sauage cruelties were not committed in these dayes but long before I answer that seeing the world hath euer growne worse and worse and the Cleargy rather then the Laity as the three Preachers so often before alleadged do sufficiently testifie those cruelties may wel be accounted but small and tollerable in comparison But if any be incredulous or hard of beleefe he may reade what Cannibal-like cruelties certaine Monks and Popish prelates haue exercised of late against such as wold not embrace the Romane religion and how they handled them when once they came within their walke As among the rest the history of Iohn de Roma a Iacobine Frier one of the holy house of Spaine a persecutor of the poore Christians of Merindol and Cabriere who neuer left beating his braines how he might inuent new torments to inflict vpon these poore people and their confederates one of which was to fill bootes with boyling grease and to pull them on the legs of those whom he was to examine that the extremitie of paine might so distract them as that they might make no pertinent answer to any demaund And we are not to wonder how they could play the bloudy butchers and exercise their tyranny vpon these silly soules seeing they vsurped almost a soueraigne power and princely authority ouer them Not to go farre back nor farre off for examples we reade how the said Frier vnder colour of his commission as being one of the Inquisition was both accuser party and Iudge how he caried with him through Prouence a number of vile varlets well appointed in all places where euer he came especially in country townes breaking open chests and trunks and stealing thence gold and siluer and what else might easily be packed vp and caried away pilling polling those whom he could not otherwise spoile either by impositions or amercements or confiscations of their goods 12 I was here purposed to haue ended this Chapter but that I remember I haue not spoken of those that imbrue their hands in their owne bloud and sacrifice themselues to their owne shame which I had rather here adde though somewhat out of order then altogether to omit them Howbeit my meaning is not to busie my selfe with the examples of Clergymen who haue layd violent hands vpō themselues therewith to parallele the examples of Laymen who haue bin moued to do the like I will onely insist vpon one which is proper vnto them quarto modo as Logicians speake For all the former examples of felons de se are common as well to the Cleargy as to the Laity But this which I am about to relate is peculiar to Cleargy-men and Lay-men haue no part therein being a murther committed vpon a proud conceit which popish priests had of their merits that they forsooth did as farre exceed Lay-mens merits as the pillars in the Church do their shadowes For though Laymen put great confidence in them yet they neuer so relyed vpon them as that they would aduenture to cast themselues from the top of a high towre or into a deepe well which befel this merit-monger of whom we speake The story is this A Monk called Heron hauing liued fifty yeares in an Ermitage and strictly obserued the rules and orders of his founder was so puffed vp with pride vaine conceit of himselfe in regard of the merit of his works that the diuel appeared vnto him tempted him to take trial of the vertue of thē by casting himselfe into a well assuring him he should escape without harme The fond Frier thinking it had bin an Angel sent vnto him from heauen for this end cast himselfe into a well of that depth that the bottome of it could not be seene whence being drawne out again with much ado they could not
digest it considering there are many things there ript vp farre worse without comparison then any of the former consider with me good Reader a little how the diuell hath openly mocked and plaied as it were with the nose of Christendome in publishing this booke blindfolding in the meane time the eies of the world For he vsed him as his instrument in the compiling and publishing thereof who laboured tooth and naile by word and writing to make a hotch-potch of these two religions if they may be called religions viz. Mahometizme and Iudaizme with Christian religion him I say he vsed as his Amanuensis who publikely preached and stifly maintained sundry grosse heresies not onely full of blasphemie but euen repugnant to ciuill honesty I meane that worshipfull writer master William Postell But how may some say was it euer possible that this booke being composed by such a vile monster was not suspected as it should haue bene had it bene deliuered by an Angell from heauen For answer whereunto we are to know that the diuell as I said hath exposed Christendome as a laughing-stocke and wonderment to the world and hath as it were with Mercuries pipe lulled our Argosses asleepe whose office is to stand Sentinel ouer the State True it is I confesse the villanies of these varlets were not so well detected in those dayes as they haue bene since notwithstanding so much was then discouered as was sufficient to giue warning thereof which I will leaue as being now God be thanked sufficiently well knowne and will come to the phrase and style of the booke I say then and will iustifie it to any skilfull Hebrician that he hath coyned sundry Hebraismes and fained them of his very fingers and foisted them among those which are vsuall and ordinary in the Scripture As for the phrase it is so affected that it doth plainely bewray it self The matter also of the booke was forged by such a spirite as Postels was if he were not the author thereof in scorne of Christian religion where the author to make a faire florish and colour the matter with some probabilitie hath inserted certaine sentences of the Euangelists in manner of a rhapsodie and shuffled in others to which he supposed he could giue some lustre by certaine texts of the old Testament as namely that of the water of Iealousie c. Thus thou seest gentle Reader to what impudencie some diuellish spirits are grown at this day But if any curious Athenian desire to heare more of this stuffe I meane of such counterfaite bookes foisted in by the craft and subtilty of Sathan he shall find a great lurry of them in a booke called Orthodoxographa Theologiae sacrosanctae and garnished with sundry other flanting titles which seemes to haue bene written of purpose in scorne and derision of Christian religion For if the doctrine therein contained be orthodoxall doubtlesse the doctrine of the Bible must needs be hereticall Necessary therefore it is we should haue a speciall regard to what writings we giue such glorious titles seeing that in giuing it to one we take it from another they being as coÌ„trary as day and darkenesse If any shall here say that some of them are translated out of Hebrew and others out of Greeke yet when he hath proued the point he may put the gaine in his eye For it is easily answered that the diuell can shew him selfe a diuell as well in Hebrew and Greeke as in any other language Now this Protoeuangelium I haue encountered rather then any of the rest for that it is fathered vpon Saint Iames cosingerman and brother to Christ as the title purporteth For in the first impression which is in a smal volume with the annotations it hath this title Proteuangelion siue de natalibus Iesu Christi ipsius matris virginis Mariâ— sermo historicus diui Iacobi minoris consobrini fratris Domini Iesu Apostoli primarij Episcopi Christianorum primi Hierosolymis Howbeit in the second impression where it is made a part of the foresaid booke intituled Orthodoxographa S. Iames is not called cosingerman but onely brother of Christ. I haue I say encountred this booke rather then any of that rable to the end the Reader by this may take a tast of the rest For if they durst publish such stuffe vnder the name of S. Iames what would they not dare to do vnder the name of Nicodemus and a number of such worshipfull writers as are there to be seene And thus much for a tast for the whole tunne is of the same liquor colour and tang There was likewise another damnable booke published since that time vnder the name of S. Iames. The Acts also of the Apostles haue bin dispensed abroad into many hands composed by one Abdias whose writings though altogether impious and prophane some haue not bin ashamed to glosse in sundry places as well in the preface as in the body of the booke and to affirme that he either tooke it out of S. Luke or S. Luke out of him Besides all these the Ecclesiasticall history it selfe hath bin published by a diuellish Monke called Nicephorus Calistus whom I call a cloister diuell not without cause For besides that he was a cloisterer by his profession he sheweth himselfe as ignorant as a Monk as impudent as a Monk as wicked and prophane as a Monk so ignorant that euen yong children may teach him his lesson so impudent that he is not ashamed to tell most shamefull lies and so prophane that he sticketh not to iest and gibe at God himselfe and his holy truth All which particulars shall one day God willing be manifested and layd open to the world 4 Now albeit the foresaid Preachers might finde in these and such like classicke writers prety store of trim tales euer ready at hand when they meant to step into the pulpit to giue their quarter blowes yet they were not negligent to furnish themselues with other maner of ware which they might mingle with the old and not euer cloy their auditory with stale stuffe Or if haply they alleadged any author they alleadged such as were â—picke and span new comming newly smoking from the presse Which puts me in mind of that which I once heard deliuered by one Bonauenture a Franciscan in a Sermon which he made at Ipre in Flanders where he affirmed that when Christ was growne a prety tall stripling able to take paines and to follow his occupation Ioseph employed him in his trade commaunding him to saw a peece of wood where he missing the marke which he had made him to saw by sawed it ouer short whereupon Ioseph being very angry would haue beaten him and he had lamskinned him indeed if he had not stept aside and taken vp a cudgell to defend himselfe which made Ioseph take vp another either of them weilding their weapon and keeping their standing And whence trow we said the Frier learned he this Out of S. Annes Gospell I warrant you And
with thy selfe out of what Gospell all this geare is taken and what scripture they follow who mixe spittlâ— salt oyle and such like stuffe smelling so stinking strong of their sorcery with the holy Sacrament of Baptisme Consider further how exceedingly it ought to mouâ— and astonish him who by the mercy of God hath bene trained vp in the doctrine of the Gospel when conuersing with those that make profession of the same religion he shall heare not onely of the former riffe-raffe ceremonies yea wicked and dangerous but of an infinite number of others also as of suffrags of the Saints of Images of Reliques of Lights of the Popes pardons or Indulgences of Buls of Myters of Croziers staues of Vowes of Shauings of Confessions of Absolutions of Extreame vnctions and of that so famous renowmed missificall Purgatorie with all the appurtenances thereunto belonging Verily if he stand in a maze and mammering to heare such gibbridge and more to see all this mummery acted vpon the stage I blame him not But when he shall reade this story touching this Infernall called the Eternall Gospel and shall consider with himselfe how subtill and crafty the diuel is he shal haue no great cause to wonder at the matter For dobutlesse the diuel hath kept this damnable book in store changing onely the name to the end that as there is one Christ and one Antichrist so there might be one Gospel and one Antigospell as I may so speake Neither hath he vsed this craft and subtelty onely in changing the name but as we haue seene in some cities when the coÌ„mon stewes haue bene burnt the ashes thereof haue flowne abroad into al quarters and corners therof so that though there remained no more stewes in name yet indeed and truth greater then eueâ— before so he after that this detestable booke was burned scattered the ashes thereof among all the bookes which haue bene published since by his slaues and complices whereof the Decretals haue had their part the SuÌ„mes also theirs the Legends Martyrologies theirs the Questionall Distinctionall Quodlibeticall bookes Mandestons Tartares Breuiaries Mâ—ssalles and Houres theirs Neither herewith content hath further foisted in other wicked works and writings shrowded vnder the name of the Gospell as hath bene said This gentle Reader will suffice I hope to put thee in minde of the Infernall otherwise called the Eternall Gospell when and as often as thou shalt heare any question moued touching Popish doctrine And verily that I may say the same thing againe and againe seeing men haue endured a Counterchrist it is no wonder if they suffer a Counter-Gospell 5 But to returne to prosecute my former argument and to shew how in all ages some abuses haue bene discouered doubtlesse if they who haue obserued them would haue aduertised posteritie of them we should haue had a number of such aduertisements at this day but some God knowes were so simple that they could not commit such things to writing others though sufficiently well qualified yet had not the heart to do it NotwithstaÌ„ding there are certain books come eueÌ„ to these times much more ancieÌ„t then those I haue so often mentioned in which are sundry inuectiues against the Pope aswel in regard of his life as of his doctrine But me thinks it fareth now with Christian religion as it did somtime with Arts and sciences for as the liberall arts flourished not so in the age last past as they did certaine hundred yeares before and as they haue done since so the ignorance of Christian religion was more grosse and palpable in the last Centenarie then in the dayes of our grandfathers at least of our great grandfathers and then it was euer since 6 But here is yet a further point to be noted coÌ„cerning the Age last past to say nothing of such as proclaimed open warre and hostilitie against the abuses and wicked liues of the Pope and his creatures as Wicliffe Iohn Hus Ierome of Prage c. how that many haue encountred our good Catholickes of the Romish religion who made no great shew of hostilitie against them For who would haue thought that Petrarch would haue so inueyed against the holy citie Già Roma hor Babilonia falsa e ria which we find in one of his sonnets among other his Poems containing onely a description of the inordinate and dissolute life of the Court of Rome Nay he goeth further in diuers of his Latin Epistles saying that Christ is banished thence that Antichrist is Lord and maister there and Beelzebub the Iudge That vnder the standard of Christ they make warre against Christ That greater villany is there done to him theÌ„ euer the Pharisies did him That the hope of eternall life is holden for a very fable That the more a man is infected and euen plunged ouer head and eares in wickednesse the more he is esteemed and honoured And as for couetousnesse there saith he for gold heauen is set wide open and for gold euen Christ himselfe is sold. Item if Iudas come thither and bring with him his thirtie peeces of siluer the price of innocent bloud he shall be admitted and Christ shut out of doores And as for Truth There saith he truth is holden for folly And in another place I will not speake of truth for how can truth haue any lodging or abode there where all is taken vp with falshood and lies the aire the earth places houses towers c. 7 Sometimes also our Catholicke chickens were so vnmannerly as to censure their holy mother for false doctrine For we reade that the Vniuersitie of Paris openly condemned an article in one of the bulles of Clement the sixt touching the yeare of Iubily wherein he granted to all that had receiued the Croysado full power to deliuer three or foure such soules out of Purgatory as themselues thought good Howbeit the Vniuersity censured not the mandate and commandement which in another bull he gaue to the Angels of Paradise the words whereof I will here set downe If any man be minded to come to the holy Citie we giue him free libertie from the day of his egresse to chuse one or moe confessors as well in his iourney as elsewhere to whom by authoritie committed vnto vs we giue full power to absolue him in all matters reserued to our selfe as well as if we were there personally present And further we grant to him that hath truly confessed if he die by the way free pardon and remission of all his sinnes and do cleerly quit and absolue him of the same And we further commaund all the Angels of Paradise that they bring the soule of such a man into the glorious Imperiall heauen quite exempting him from the paines of purgatorie c. 8 Besides we haue certaine prouerbes which haue bene currant time out of mind which are pregnant proofes that the Cleargies credit was euen then crackt and their reputation much eclipsed For in our old and auncient prouerbs which censure the vices
about him she thinking her selfe happiest which could first come to kisse it euery silly soule both maid and matron desiring to shâ—w openly that their consciences did not accuse them secretly His hostesse on the one side well perceiuing that if she kissed it her wager was lost and knowing on the other side that if she did not she should be suspected to haue playd her husband a slippery touch should not be beleeued though she made neuer such report of the wager which she had layd went after all the rest kissed this fooles bable By this deuice this iolly Frier redeemed his relikes without disbursing one penny and increased moreouer the number of them by adding this vnto the old Menot the Franciscan whose testimony we need not to suspect considering he was made of the same mould a Frier of the same fry toucheth this story but by the way yet he agreeth with me in this circumstance that the relikes were left in the tauerne his words are these Fol. 41. col 4. Dic de illis qui reliquias suas in taberna perdiderunt stipitem inuentum in sudario loco reliquiarum suarum dixerunt esse quo beatus Laurentius combustus fuerat And now you shall heare it as Boccace hath it but more briefly yet so as I will not omit that which may make for the vnderstanding of the papisticall style which these Frier dockers obserue One of S. Anthonies religious pigs called Frier Onion being accustomed to go to a village by Florence called Certald once a yeare to gather almes went one Sunday morning into the chiefe Church where both towne country was met to heare Masse who when he saw his time began in this sort My masters and dames you haue bin accustomed of your speciall loue and fauor to send euery yeare to the poore which belong to my Lord Baron S. Anthony both wheate and oates some more some lesse euery man according to his abilitie and deuotion that blessed S. Anthony should keepe your bullocks asses swine sheep Besides you were wont those especially that are written in our fraternitie to pay that small dutie which they pay once only in the yeare For gathering vp of which things my Lord Abbot hath sent me and therefore see ye misse not to come in the afternoone into the Church-yard when you heare the bels ring where according to the custome I wil make you a Sermon and giue you the crosse to kisse Moreouer forasmuch as I know you to be most deuout seruants of my Lord BaroÌ„ S. Anthony I wil shew you of my especiall grace and fauor a most holy goodly relike which my selfe brought long since froÌ„ beyond the seas out of the holy land being one of the angel Gabriels fethers which he left in the virgin Maries chamber when he saluted her in Nazareth And hauing thus said he returned to heare Masse Now there were two merry coÌ„panions in the company who determined to shew this iolly Frier a tricke of conueyance concerning the fether of the Angell Gabriel For watching their opportunitie they went and ransacked all his packet of trinkets amongst which they found a little coffer wrapped vp in taffata wherein was a fether of a Parrots taile which he would haue made them beleeue had bene the Angell Gabriels feather as he might easily haue done without much Rhetoricke seeing the most of them had not onely not seene it but not so much as once heard of any such thing Now when these good fellowes had taken away the feather because they would not leaue the coffer empty they filled it vp with coles After dinner when the time was come that he should shew this goodly relicke he called to his man for the trash he had giuen him to keepe willing him to ring the belles and cal the people together And when they were assembled he began his sermon intreating of that which he thought would fit his purpose best in regard of his relick In the end when he was come to the point to shew it he first made a solemne and deuout confession and then hauing two lighted torches he tooke off the taffata very gingerly wherein the coffer was wrapped and speaking in the meane while something in commendation of the Angell Gabriel and of his relicke he opened it And perceiuing the tricke which was plaid him blushing at it no more then a blacke dog nor shewing any signe of astonishment he lifted vp his eyes and hands to heauen saying ô God praised be thy power for euer That done he shut his coffer againe and turning him to the people said My Masters and Dames you are to know that my superior sent me when I was a yong man into the East countrey and it was giuen me in charge c. And making a long discourse of his trauaile he told them that the Patriarch of Ierusalem had shewed him amongst other relicks a little peece of the holy Ghosts finger as sound and whole as euer it was and the snowt of the Seraphin which appeared to Saint Francis and one of the nailes of the Cherubin one of the sides of verbum Caro the abilliments of the holy Catholicke faith some beames of the starre which appeared to the three kings in the East and a Phiall-full of the sweat of Saint Michael when he fought with the diuell These are the relickes which as he said the Patriarch shewed him But behold others which he did not onely shew him but also giue him One of the teeth of the holy Crosse a little of the sound of the bâ—s of Salomons Temple a feather of the Angell Gabriel one of the clogs of Saint Gerrard of Gran-ville Besides all these I haue said he some of the coales whereon the blessed Martyr Saint Lawrence was broyled All which I haue brought into these parts in great deuotion Howbeit my superior would neuer suffer me to shew them till he was fully resolued whether they were true relicks or not But now being certified partly by the miracles which haue bene wrought by them partly by letters from the Patriarch he hath permitted me to shew them And because I dare trust none with them I cary them alwaies about me and for that I was afraid I should marre the Angell Gabriels feather I put it in a little boxe and the coales whereon Saint Lawrence was broyled in another which boxes are so like one another that I often take the one for the other as now it happeneth For whereas my purpose was to haue brought the boxe wherin the feather was I brought that wherin the coales were But I hope there is no hurt herein sithence it is the will of God it should be so he hauing put the boxe of coales into my hands And now I remember the feast of S. Lawrence is to be celebrated within these two daies and therefore c. I leaue the rest to such as desire further information hereof considering that this story is enriched as the rest