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A50792 The counterfeit bridegroom, or, The defeated widow a comedy, as it is acted at His Royal Highness the Duke's Theatre. Middleton, Thomas, d. 1627.; Behn, Aphra, 1640-1689.; Betterton, Thomas, 1635?-1710. 1677 (1677) Wing M1983; ESTC R19397 38,673 64

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shall have Gold enough to glut his Soul And as for Earth I 'le stop his Cranes throat full With ease a Miser's appetite we please But Lust in Widows is a damn'd Disease And proves the most insatiate avarice Sir O. And now to vex you Widow to your face See once four warning Elements embrace Thunder and Lightning Enter five or six like Devils Water and Earth are let down to the middle with two Devils Fire and Air are carried up half way into the Air with two Devils Sir G. Gaz. Noddy Help help help Murder Murder Sir G. Widow for Heav'ns sake intercede for us to the Devils Noddy Oh law what will my Mother and Sister say when they hear I am carried away by the Devil Nob. Who are ye discover your selves then Gaz. By Charles's Wain don't you know me Noddy Why look you d' ye see it is I it is I Wid. My old Suiters we are all oblig'd to you my Masters you have taken great pains to make your selves Ridiculous ha ha Pray Sir release 'em for my sake Nob. You may Command Madam let 'em down there They are Released All Suit Thanks good Widow Sir G. L. Whe faith since we were to lose you Madam we thought losers might have leave to speak and therefore by offering our Service to this Gentleman we got this opportunity to speak a little of our minds to you Gaz. And I think we have pretty freely and at our own Costs too for I owe Money for some of the Painting but the Planets are sufficient to pay the Painter Noddy If ever I court Widow again for your sake may I be made a Pissing-post of well I find Widows are confounded insupportable witty Devils Wid. We are all oblig'd to you Sir for this discovery Nob. My shame Madam urg'd me to contrive some way to discover the Authors of my disgrace But Madam to divert you I have brought a Servant of mine to entertain you with a Dance Mrs. H. I am indebted to you for this favour Sir Please Gentlemen to walk in and partake of a small Collation and then my Dear we will retire to surfeit on Loves sweets All. We follow you Sir Exeunt Manet Noble Nob. Curse on ill luck What a Devil should be become of this Sister of mine had she not promised to get the Widow for me I had not slipt the opportunity which now is irrecoverably lost she 's Married now the Pox or Impotence be his Curse for I cannot with patience see my self thus chous't ha here comes my brisk Bridegroom good I have thought on an excellent way if possible to retrieve her I 'le wheadle him to drink make him damnably drunk so consequently impotent and a Widow disappointed turns Devil will sue a divorce and then she 's mine Enter Mrs. Hadland Mrs. H. Oh Sir most opportunely met are you alone Nob. Yes Sir Your Pleasure Mrs. H. I am come to cut your Throat Nob. How Sir cut my Throat you 'l give me a reason Sir for it I hope Mrs. H. I saw what amorous glances past between my Wife and you at Dinner and since too I have discovered that which has rais'd such a Storm within me that nothing but thy death can restore my former calmness Nob. Jealous by this light I hope he has not met with my Letter I convey'd to the Widow Aside Heav'ns Sir what jealous on the first night Mrs. H. I am all rage with jealousie your Letter Sir see there the reason Villain and then judg if I can pardon such an injury Therefore prepare to yield up either Life or Love Nob. Nay Sir since you have discovered my passion then know I do must and will love your Widow nay dote upon the sight of her and yet no harm to you since you possess the wealth you cannot barr a longing stander by to wish and sigh since you know 't is in vain therefore I will persist ah 't is a charming Creature Mrs. H. Hell and Furies shall I stand tamely still and hear a fellow boldly to my face proclaim my Infamy Nob. A fellow Sir Provoke me not I say provoke me not if you do by Heav'n if possible I 'le cuckol'd thee before thy face Mrs. H. This is beyond all patience base Villain draw Nob. Pish Sir your little Bodkin frights not me see I have one can match it Yet I believe thee Valiant or such a little whipper-ginnie durst not have been so desperate to have ventur'd on a longing Widow Mrs. H. How Sir have at thy heart Nob. Good Child thou art too forward reserve thy vigour for another place it will be little enough I 'le engage for young Sir there can be no comparison between you and I in love affairs Mrs. H. How mean you Sir Nob. You may perhaps be well enough for the Theory to cringe and whine and wheadle your self into a Virgins heart but a Widows wise discerning Eye must of necessity read here the only man that 's fittest for the Practick part Mrs. H. Heav'ns Do but hereafter look upon her with one pleasing glance and I 'le damn thy Soul Nob. A Bully in Swadling-clouts by this light 't is the youngest Hector I ever met with in my life a gad little Squire were she the great Turk's favourite I 'de look and gaze altho I knew my death should follow and let me tell thee had somebody been true to their promise your fortune had been mine therefore little one you may thank my cross Stars for your good success A Pox on an absent Sister Aside Mrs. H. How Sir oblig'd to you Oh insupportable thou base detracter of my honour who not only would supplant my love but blast my reputation and make me undeserving of a Ladies favour Nob. If you come to that point Sir what can you boast of should be so attractive I must confess thou appearest a hopeful Stripling and I question not you have the pretty impertinents of one of your Age as Dancing Singing affected Gestures be peirtly witty making bold with every new Play comes out and extravagantly tawdrey in every new fashion Mrs. H. Death and the Devil Nob. These accomplishments I must confess may be very surprizing to a poor young thing of a Boarding-School who never had love made to her but by her Dancing-Master or some such follow Mrs. H. This is beyond all sufferance Strives to run at him he Parryes Nob. This won't do and now little one I le discharge my Conscience between you and I I do verily believe the Widow that was and your Wife that is Married you only for a Drudg or Steward of her Estate while she spends it on pleasures with such vigorous Blades as my self and who knows it may be my turn which if it be faith I 'le be very reasonable and Cuckold thee as seldom as possibly I can Mrs. H. I 'le hear no more but thus will make a passage to thy Soul for I swear thy Ruine Death Damnation Nob. Say