it in such sort that he brought the Ends of all his Fingers to meet together and his left Hand he laid flat upon his Breast Whereat Panurge drew out his long Codpiece with his Tuft and stretched it forth a Cubit and a half holding it in the Air with his right Hand and with his left took out his Orange and casting it up into the Air seven times at the eighth he hid it in the Fist of his right Hand holding it steadily up on high and then began to shake his fair Codpiece shewing it to Thaumast After that Thaumast began to puff up his two Cheeks like a Player on a Bagpipe and blew as if he had been to puff up a Pig 's Bladder Whereupon Panurge put one Finger of his left Hand in his Nockandrow and with his Mouth suck'd in the Air in such a manner as when one eats Oysters in the Shell or when we sup up our Broth this done he opened his Mouth somewhat and struck his right Hand flat upon it making therewith a great and a deep Sound as if it came from the Superficies of the Diaphragma through the Trachiartere and this he did for sixteen Times but Thaumast did always keep blowing like a Goose. Then Panurge put the Forefinger of his right Hand into his Mouth pressing it very hard to the Muscles thereof then he drew it out and withal made a great Noise as when little Boys shoot Pellets out of the Pot-cannons made of the hollow Sticks of the Branch of an Elder-tree and he did it nine times Then Thaumast cried out Ha my Masters a great Secret with this he put in his Hand up to the Elbow then drew out a Dagger that he had holding it by the Point downwards Whereat Panurge took his long Codpiece and shook it as hard as he could against his Thighs then put his two Hands intwined in manner of a Comb upon his Head laying out his Tongue as far as he was able and turning his Eyes in his Head like a Goat that is ready to die Ha I understand said Thaumast but what making such a Sign that he put the Haft of his Dagger against his Breast and upon the Point thereof the flat of his Hand turning in a little the Ends of his Fingers whereat Panurge held down his Head on the left side and put his middle Finger into his right Ear holding up his Thumb bolt upright then he cross'd his two Arms upon his Breast and coughed five times and at the fifth time he struck his right Foot against the Ground then he lift up his left Arm and closing all his Fingers into his Fist held his Thumb against his Forehead striking with his right Hand six times against his Breast But Thaumast as not content therewith put the Thumb of his left Hand upon the Top of his Nose shutting the rest of his said Hand Whereupon Panurge set his two Master-fingers upon each side of his Mouth drawing it as much as he was able and widening it so that he shewed all his Teeth and with his two Thumbs pluck'd down his two Eye-lids very low making therewith a very ill-favour'd Countenance as it seemed to the Company CHAP. XX. How Thaumast relateth the Vertues and Knowledg of Panurge THen Thaumast rose up and putting off his Cap did very kindly thank the said Panurge and with a loud Voice said unto all the People that were there My Lords Gentlemen and others at this time may I to some good Purpose speak that Evangelical Word Et ecce plus quà m Salomon hîc You have here in your Presence an incomparable Treasure that is my Lord Pantagruel whose great Renown hath brought me hither out of the very Heart of England to confer with him about the insoluble Problems both in Magick Alchymy the Caballe Geomancy Astrology and Philosophy which I had in my Mind But at present I am angry even with Fame it self which I think was envious to him for that it did not declare the thousandth Part of the Worth that indeed is in him You have seen how his Disciple only hath satisfied me and hath told me more than I asked of him besides he hath opened unto me and resolved other inestimable Doubts wherein I can assure you he hath to me discovered the very true Well Fountain and Abyss of the Encyclopedeia of Learning yea in such a sort that I did not think I should ever have found a Man that could have made his Skill appear in so much as the first Elements of that concerning which we disputed by Signs without speaking either Word or half Word But in fine I will reduce into Writing that which we have said and concluded that the World may not take them to be Fooleries and will hereafter cause them to be printed that every one may learn as I have done Judg then what the Master had been able to say seeing the Disciple hath done so valiantly for Non est Discipulus super Magistrum Howsoever God be praised and I do very humbly thank you for the Honour that you have done us at this Act God reward you for it eternally The like Thanks gave Pantagruel to all the Company and going from thence he carried Thaumast to Dinner with him and believe that they drank as much as their Skins could hold or as the Phrase is with unbottomed Bellies for in that Age they made fast their Bellies with Buttons as we do now the Collars of our Doublets even till they neither knew where they were nor whence they came Blessed Lady how they did carouze it and pluck as we say at the Kids Leather and Flaggons to trot and they to toot Draw give Page some Wine here reach hither fill with a Devil so There was not one but did drink five and twenty or thirty Pipes can you tell how even sicut terra sine aqua for the Weather was hot and besides that they were very dry In Matter of the Exposition of the Propositions set down by Thaumast and the Signification of the Signs which they used in their Disputation I would have set them down for you according to their own Relation but I have been told that Thaumast made a great Book of it imprinted at London wherein he hath set down all without omitting any thing and therefore at this Time I do pass by it CHAP. XXI How Panurge was in love with a Lady of Paris PAnurge began to be in great Reputation in the City of Paris by Means of this Disputation wherein he prevailed against the English-man and from thenceforth made his Codpiece to be very useful to him to which Effect he had it pinked with pretty little Embroideries after the Romanesca Fashion And the World did praise him publickly in so far that there was a Song made of him which little Children did use to sing when they went to fetch Mustard He was withal made welcome in all Companies of Ladies and Gentlewomen so that at last he became presumptuous
us to understand that every one in the Project and Enterprize of Marriage ought to be his own Carver sole Arbitrator of his proper Thoughts and from himself alone take Counsel in the main and peremptory closure of what his Determination should be in either his assent to or dissent from it Such always hath been my Opinion to you and when at first you spoke thereof to me I truly told you this same very thing but tacitly you scorned my Advice and would not harbour it within your mind I know for certain and therefore may I with the greater confidence utter my conception of it that Philauty or Self love is that which blinds your Judgment and deceiveth you Let us do otherways and that is this Whatever we are or have consisteth in Three Things the Soul the Body and the Goods now for the preservation of these Three there are Three sorts of Learned Men ordained each respectively to have care of that one which is recommended to his charge Theologues are appointed for the Soul Physitians for the Welfare of the Body and Lawyers for the Safety of our Goods hence it is that it is my Resolution to have on Sunday next with me at Dinner a Divine a Physician and a Lawyer that with those Three assembled thus together we may in every Point and Particle confer at large of your Perplexity By Saint Picot answered Panurge we never shall do any good that way I see it already and you see your self how the World is vilely abused as when with a Fox-tayl one claps another's Breech to cajole him We give our Souls to keep to the Theologues who for the greater part are Hereticks Our Bodies we commit to the Physitians who never themselves take any Physick and then we intrust our Goods to Lawyers who never go to Law against one another You speak like a Courtier quoth Pantagruel but the first Point of your Assertion is to be denied for we daily see how good Theologues make it their chief Business their whole and sole Employment by their Deeds their Words and Writings to extirpate Errors and Heresies out of the Hearts of Men and in their stead profoundly plant the true and lively Faith The Second Point you spoke of I commend for whereas the Professors of the Art of Medicine give so good order to the Prophylactick or Conservative part of their Faculty in what concerneth their proper Healths that they stand in no need of making use of the other Branch which is the Curative or Therapentick by Medicaments As for the Third I grant it to be true for Learned Advocates and Counsellors at Law are so much taken up with the Affairs of others in their Consultations Pleadings and such-like Patrocinations of those who are their Clients that they have no leisure to attend any Controversies of their own Therefore on the next ensuing Sunday let the Divine be our godly Father Hippothadee the Physitian our honest Master Rondibilis and the Legist our good Friend Bridlegoose nor will it be to my thinking amiss that we enter into the Pythagorick Field and choose for an Assistant to the Three aforenamed Doctors our ancient faithful Acquaintance the Philosopher Trouillogan especially seeing a perfect Philosopher such as is Trouiilogan is able positively to resolve all whatsoever Doubts you can propose Carpalin have you a care to have them here all Four on Sunday next at Dinner without fail I believe quoth Epistemon that throughout the whole Country in all the Corners thereof you could not have pitched upon such other Four which I speak not so much in regard of the most excellent Qualifications and Accomplishments wherewith all of them are endowed for the respective Discharge and Management of each his own Vocation and Calling wherein without all doubt or controversie they are the Paragons of the Land and surpass all others as for that Rondibilis is marrried now who before was not Hippothadee was not before nor is yet Bridlegoose was married once but is not now and Trouillogan is married now who wedded was to another Wife before Sir if it may stand with your good liking I will ease Carpalin of some parcel of his Labour and invite Bridlegoose my self with whom I of a long time have had a very intimate familiarity and unto whom I am to speak on the behalf of a pretty hopeful Youth who now studieth at Tholouse under the most learned vertuous Doctor Boissonnet Do what you deem most expedient quoth Pantagruel and tell me if my Recommendation can in any thing be steadable for the promoval of the good of that Youth or otherways serve for bettering of the Dignity and Office of the worthy Boissonet whom I do so love and respect for one of the ablest and most sufficient in his way that any where are extant Sir I will use therein my best Endeavours and heartily bestir my self about it CHAP. XXX How the Theologue Hippothadee giveth Counsel to Panurge in the matter and business of his Nuptial Enterprize THE Dinner on the subsequent Sunday was no sooner made ready than that the afore-named invited Guests gave thereto their Appearance all of them Bridlegoose only excepted who was the Deputy-Governor of the Fonspeton At the ushering in of the Second Service Panurge making a low Reverence spake thus Gentlemen the Question I am to propound unto you shall be uttered in very few Words Should I marry or no If my Doubt herein be not resolved by you I shall hold it altogether insolvable as are the Insolubilia de Aliaco for all of you are elected chosen and culled out from amongst others every one in his own Condition and Quality like so many picked Peas on a Carpet The Father Hippothada in obedience to the bidding of Pantagruel and with much Courtesie to the Company answered exceeding modestly after this manner My Friend you are pleased to ask Counsel of us but first you must consult with your self Do you find any trouble or disquiet in your Body by the importunate stings and pricklings of the Flesh That I do quoth Panurge in a hugely strong and almost irresistible measure Be not offended I beseech you good Father at the freedom of my Expression No truly Friend not I quoth Hippothadee there is no reason why I should be displeased therewith But in this Carnal Strife and Debate of yours have you obtained from God the Gift and special Grace of Continency In good Faith not quoth Panurge My Counsel to you in that case my Friend is that you marry quoth Hippothadee for you should rather choose to marry once than to burn still in Fires of Concupiscence Then Panurge with a jovial Heart and a loud Voice cried out That is spoke gallantly without circumbilivaginating about and about and never hit it in its centred Point Grammercy my good Father In truth I am resolved now to marry and without fail I shall do it quickly I invite you to my Wedding by the Body of a Hen we shall
swallow down I had been long e'er now very high in the Air. Thus became Tom toss-pot rich Thus went in the Taylor 's stitch Thus did Bacchus conquer the India Thus Philosophy Melinde A little Rain allays a great deal of Wind long tipling breaks the Thunder But if there came such liquor from my Buttock would you not suck the Udder Here Page fill I prethee forget me not when it comes to my turn and I will enter the Election I have made of thee into the very Register of my heart Sup Simon pull away there is somewhat in the Pot. I appeal from thirst and disclaim its Jurisdiction Page sue out my Appeal in form This remnant is the bottom of the Glass must follow its Leader I was wont heretofore to drink out all but now I leave nothing Make not such haste we must carry all along with us Ha day here are tripes fit for our sport Godebillios of the dun Oxe with the blach streak O for God's sake let us lash them soundly yet thriftily Drink or I will No no drink I beseech you Sparrows will not eat unless you bob them on the tail nor can I drink if I be not fairly spoke to Lagonaedatera there is not a Cunniborow in all my Body where this Wine doth not ferret out my thirst Ho this will bang it soundly but this shall banish it utterly Let us make Proclamation by the sound of Flaggons and Bottles that whoever hath lost his thirst come not hither to seek it Long spits are to be voided without doors The great God made the Planets and we make the Platters neat I have the word of the Gospel in my mouth Sitio The stone called Asbestos is not more unquenchable then the thirst of my Paternity Appetite comes with eating says Angeston but the thirst goes away with drinking I have a remedy against thirst quite contrary to that which is good against the biting of a mad Dog Keep running after a Dog and he will never bite you drink always before the thirst and it will never come upon you There I catch you I awake you Argus had a hundred Eyes for his sight a Butler should have like Briareus a hundred hands wherewith to fill us Wine indefatigably Ha now Lads let us wet it will be time to dry hereafter White Wine here Wine Boys pour out all par le Diable fill I say fill and fill till it be full My tongue peels Lanstrinque to thee Countryman I drink to thee good Fellow Camrade to thee lusty lively ha la la that was drunk to some purpose and bravely gulped over O lachryma Christi it is of the best Grape I faith pure Greek Greek O the fine white Wine upon my Conscience it is a kind of Taffâ—tas Wine him him it is of one ear well wrought and of good Wooll Courage Camrade up thy Heart Billy we will not be Beasted at this bout for I have got one trick ex hoc in hoc there is no Enchantment nor Charm there every one of you hath seen it my Prentiship is out I am a free Man at this Trade I am an Abbot Pshaw I should say O the drinkers those that are a dry O poor thirsty Souls Good Page my Friend fill me here some and crown the Cup I prethee á la Cardinale Natura abhorret vacuum Would you say that a fly could drink in this A la mode de Bretagne Clear off neat supernaculum swill it over heartily no deceit in a Brimmer Nectar and Ambrosia CHAP. VI. How Gargantua was born in a strange manner WHilst they were on this Discourse and pleasant Tattle of drinking Gargamelle began to be a little unweil in her lower Parts whereupon Grangousier arose from off the Grass and fell to comfort her very honestly and kindly suspecting that she was in Travel and told her that it was best for her to sit down upon the Grass under the Willows because she was like very shortly to see young feet and that therefore it was convenient she should pluck up her Spirits and take a good Heart at the new coming of her Baby saying to her withal that although the pain was somewhat grievous to her it would be but of short continuance and that the succeeding joy would quickly remove that sorrow in such sort that she should not so much as remember it On with a Sheep courage quoth he dispatch this Boy and we will speedily fall to work for the making of another Ha said she so well as you speak at your own ease you that are Men well then in the name of God I 'll do my best seeing you will have it so but would to God that it were cut off from you What said Grangousier Ha said she you are a good Man indeed you understand it well enough What my member said he Udrookers if it please you that shall be done instantly cause bring hither a Knife Alas said she the Lord forbid I pray Jesus to forgive me I did not say it from my Heart do it not any kind of harm neither more nor less for my speaking But I am like to have work enough to day and all for your Member yet God bless both you and it Courage courage said he take you no care of the matter let the four foremost Oxon do the work I will yet go drink one whiffe more and if in the mean time any thing befal you I will be so near that at the first whistling in your fist I shall be with you A little while after she began to groan lament and cry then suddenly came the Midwives from all quarters who groping her below found some Peloderies of a bad savour indeed this they thought had been the Child but it was her Fundament that was slipt out with the molification of her Intestinum rectum which you call the Bumgut and that meerly by eating of too many tripes as we have shewed you before Whereupon an old ugly trot in the Company who was reputed a notable Physician and was come from Brispaille near to Saint Gnou threescore Years before made her so horrible a restrictive and binding Medicine whereby all her Arse-pipes were so opilated stopped obstructed and contracted that you could hardly have opened and enlarged them with your Teeth Which is a terrible thing to think upon seeing the Devil at Mass at Saint Martins was puzled with the like Task â— when with his Teeth he lengthened out the Parchment whereon he wrote the tittle tattle of two young mangy Whores The effect of this was that the Cotyldons of her Matrix were all loosened above through which the Child sprung up and leapt and so entering into the Vena cava did climb by the Diaphragm even above her Shoulders where that Vein divides it self into two and from thence taking his way towards the left side issued forth at her left Ear. As soon as he was born he cried not as other Babes use to do miez miez
you from evil and our Lady from Health Qui vivit regnat per omnia secula seculorum Amen Hem hashchâ—hhawk sash qzrchremhemhash Verùm enim vero quandoquidem dubio procul aedepol quoniam ità certé meus deus filius A Town without Bells is like a blind Man without a Staff an Ass without a Crupper and a Cow without Cymbals therefore be assured until you have restored them unto us we will never leave crying after you like a blind Man that hath lost his Staff braying like an Ass without a Crupper and making a noise like a Cow without Cymbals A certain Latinisator dwelling near the Hospital said once producing the Authority of one Taponnus I lye it was Pontanus the secular Poet who wish'd those Bells had been made of Feathers and the Clapper of a Fox-tail to the End they might have begot a Chronicle in the Bowels of his Brain when he was about the composing of his carmini-formal Lines But Nac petetin petetac tic torche Lorgne more the Deponent saith not He was declared an Heretic We make them as of Wax And valete plaudite Calepinus recensus CHAP. XX. How the Sophister carried away his Cloath and how he had a Suit in Law against the other Masters THE Sophister had no sooner ended but Ponocrates and Eudemon burst out in a laughing so heartily that they had almost split with it and given up the Ghost even just as Crassus did seeing a lubberly Ass eat Thistles and as Philemon who seeing an Ass eat those Figs which were provided for his own dinner died with force of Laughing Together with them Master Ionatus fell a laughing too as fast as he could in which mood of laughing they continued so long that their Eyes did Water by the vehement concussion of the substance of the Brain by which these lachrymal Humidities being prest out glided through the optic Nerves and so to the full represented Democritus Heraclitising and Heraclitus Democritising When they had done laughing Gargantua consulted with the prime of his Retinue what should be done There Ponocrates was of Opinion that they should make this fair Orator drink again and seeing he had shewed them more Pastime and made them laugh more than a natural Fool could have done that they should give him Ten Basket full of Sauciges mentioned in his Jolly Harangue with a pair of Hose three hundred great Billets for the Fire five and twenty Hogsheds of Wine a good large Down-bed and a deep capacious Dish which he said were necessary for his old Age. All this was done as they did appoint only Gargantua doubting that they could not quickly find out Breeches fit for his wearing because he knew not what fashion would best become the said Orator whether the maâ—tingal Fashion wherein is a spunge-hole with a draw Bridge for the more easie caguing or the fashion of the Mariners for the greater solace and comfort of his Kidneys or that of the Switzers which keeps warm the Belly-tabret or round Breeches with strait cannions having in the Seat a piece like a Cods Tail all which considered for fear of over heaâ—ing his Reins he caused to be given him seven Ells of white Cloath for the linings The Wood was carried by the Porters the Masters of Arts carried the Sauciges and the Dishes and Master Ianotus himself would carry the Cloath One of the said Masters called Iesse Bandouille shewed him that it was not seemly nor decent for one of his Degree and Quality to do so and that therefore he should deliver it to one of them Ha said Ianotus Blockhead Blockhead thou dost not conclude in modo figura for loe to this end serve the Suppositions parva Logicalia Pannus pro quo supponit Confusè said Bandouille distributivè I do not ask thee said Ionatus Blockhead quomodo supponit but pro qui It is Blockhead pro tibiis meis and therefore I will carry it Egomet sicut suppositum portat appositum so did he carry it away very close as Patelin did his Cloath The best was that when this Cougher in a full Assembly held at the Mathurins had with great confidence demanded his Breeches and Sauciges and that they were flatly denied him because he had them of Gargantua according to the Informations thereupon taken he shewed them that this was gratis and out of pure liberality by which they were not in any sort quit of their Promises Notwithstanding this it was answered him that he should be content with Reason without expectation of any other Bribe there Reason said Ianotus we use none of that here unlucky Traytors you are not worth the hanging the Earth beareth not more arrant Villains then you are I know it well enough Halt not before Cripples I have practised wickedness with you By God's Rattle I will inform the King of the Enormous Abuses that are forged here and carried under hand by you and let me be a Leper if he do not burn you alive like Bougres Traytors Heretics and Suducers Enemies to God and Vertue Upon these words they framed Articles against them he on the other side cited them to appear In summ the Process was retained by the Court and there it is yet depending Hereupon the Magisters made a vow never to rub off the Dirt from either Shooes or Clothes Master Ianotus with his Adherents vowed never to blow their Noses until Judgment were given by a definitive Sentence By reason of those Vows both Parties continue Dirty and Snotty to this Day for the Court hath not yet fully looked into all the Proceedings So that the Judgment is not like to be declar'd till latter Lammas that is to say Never So you find that they do more then Nature and contrary to their own Articles The Articles of Paris maintain that to God alone belongs infinity and Nature produceth nothing that is Immortal for she putteth an end and period to all things by her engender'd according to the Saying Omnia orta cadunt c. But these Thick-mist-swallowers make the Suits in Law depending before them both Infinite and Immortal in doing whereof they have given occasion to and verified the Saying of Chilo the Lacedaemonian consecrated at Delphos That Misery goes along with Law-suits and Suiters are miserable for sooner shall they attain to the End of their Lives than to the Final Decision of their pretended Rights CHAP. XXI The Study of Gargantua according to the Discipline of his School-masters the Sophisters THE first day being thus spent and the Bells put up again in their own place the Citizens of Paris in acknowledgment of this Courtesie offer'd to maintain and feed his Mare as long as he pleased which Gargantua took in good part and they sent her to graze in the Forest of Biere I think she is not there now This done he with all his heart submitted his study to the discretion of Ponocrates who first of all appointed that he should do as he was accustom'd to
submissively low and therefore was not permitted but in exchange he was most cordially embraced He offered his Presents they were not received because they were too excessive He yielded himself voluntarily a Servant and Vassal and was content his whole Posterity should be liable to the same Bondage this was not accepted of because it seemed not equitable He surrendered by Vertue of the Decree of his great Parliamentary Council his whole Countries and Kingdoms to him offering the Deed and Conveyance signed sealed and ratified by all those that were concerned in it This was altogether refused and the Parchments cast into the Fire In the end this free-free-good Will and simple Meaning of the Canarriens wrought such tenderness in my Father's Heart that he could not abstain from shedding Tears and wept most profusely then by choice words very congruously adapted strove in what he could to diminish the estimation of the good offices which he had done them saying That any Courtesie he had conferred upon them was not worth a rush and what favour so ever he had shew'd them he was bound to do it But so much the more did Alpharbal augment the repeat thereof What was the Issue whereas for his ransom in the greatest extremity of rigour and most tyrannical dealing could not have been exacted above twenty times a hundred thousand Crowns and his eldest Sons detain'd as hostages till that Sum had been pay'd they made themselves perpetual tributaries and obliged to give us every Year two millions of Gold at four and twenty Carats fine The first Year we received the whole sum of two Millions the second Year of their own accord they pay'd freely to us three and twenty hundred thousand Crowns the third Year six and twenty hundred thousand the fourth Year three millions and do so increase it always out of their own good will that we shall be constrained to forbid them to bring us any more This is the Nature of gratitude and true thankfulness For time which gnaws and diminisheth all things else augments and increaseth benefits because a noble action of liberality done to a Man of reason doth grow continually by his generous thinking of it and remembring it But unwilling therefore any way to degenerate from the hereditary mildness and clemency of my Parents I do now forgive you set you at liberty and every way make you as frank and free as ever you were before Moreover at your going out of the Gate you shall have every one of you three Months Pay to bring you home into your Houses and Families and shall have a safe convoy of six hundred Cuirasiers and eight thousand Foot under the conduct of Alexander Esquire of my body that the Clubmen of the Country may not do you any Injury God be with you I am sorry from my Heart that Picrochole is not here for I would have given him to understand that this War was undertaken against my Will and without any hope to increase either goods or renown but seeing he is lost and that no Man can tell where nor how he went away It is my will that this Kingdom remain entire to his Son who because he is too young he not being yet full five Years old shall be brought up and instructed by the ancient Princes and learned Men of the Kingdom And because a Realm thus desolate may easily come to Ruin if the covetousness and avarice of those who by their places are obliged to administer justice in it but not curbed and restrained I ordain and will have it so that Ponocrates be overseer and superintendent above all his governours with whatever power and authority is requisite thereto and that he be continually with the Child until he find him able and capable to rule and govern by himself Now I must tell you that yâ—u are to understand how a too feeble and dissâ—lute Facility in pardoning Evil-doers giveth them occasion to commit wickedness afterward more readily upon this pernicious confidence of receiving favour I consider that Moses the meekest Man that was in his time upon the Earth did severely punish the mutinous and seditious People of Israel I consider likewise that Julius Caesar who was so gracious an Emperor that Cicero said of him That his Fortune had nothing more excellent than that he could and his Vertue nothing better than that he would always save and pardon every Man He notwithstanding all this did in certain places most rigorously punish the Authors of Rebellion After the Example of these good Men it is my Will and Pleasure that you deliver over unto me before you depart hence first that fine Fellow Marquet who was the prime origin and ground-work of this War by his vain Presumption and Overweening Secondly his fellow Cakebakers who were neglective in checking and reprehending his idle hair-brain'd Humour in the instant time And lastly all the Counsellors Captains Officers and Domestics of Picrochole who had been Incendiaries or Fomenters of the War by provoking praising or counselling him to come out of his Limits thus to trouble us CHAP. LI. How the victorious Gargantuists were recompensed after the Battle WHen Gargantua had finished his Speech the seditious Men whom he requir'd were delivered up unto him except Swash-buckler Durtaille and Smaltrash who ran away six hours before the Battle one of them as far as to Lanielneck at one course another to the Valley of Vire and the third even unto Logroine without looking back or taking breath by the way And two of the Cake-bakers who were slain in the Fight Gargantua did them no other hurt but that he appointed them to pull at the Presses of his Printing-House which he had newly set up Then those who died there he caused to be honourably buried in Black-soile-Vailey and Burn-hag-Field and gave order that the wounded should be drest and had care of in his great Hospital or Nosocome After this considering the great prejudice done to the Town and its Inhabitants he re-imbursed their Charges and repair'd all the losses that by their Confession upon Oath could appear they had sustained And for their better Defence and Security in times coming against all sudden Uproars and Invasions commanded a strong Cittadel to be built there with a competent Garrison to maintain it At his departure he did very graciously thank all the Souldiers of the Brigades that had been at this overthrow and sent them back to their Winter-quarters in their several Stations and Garisons The Decumane Legion only excepted whom in the Field on that day he saw do some great Exploit and their Captains also whom he brought along with himself unto Grangousier At the sight and coming of them the good Man was so joyful that it is not possible fully to describe it He made them a Feast the most magnificent plentiful and delicious that ever was seen since the time of the King Assuerus At the taking up of the Table he distributed amongst them his whole Cupboard of Plate which
to the very ground where they ended into great Conduit-pipes which carried all away unto the River from under the House This same building was a hundred times more sumptuous and magnificent than ever was Bonnivet Chambourg or Chantillie For there was in it Nine thousand three hundred and two and thirty Chambers every one whereof had a withdrawing Room a handsom Closet a Wardrobe an Oratory and neat passage leading into a great and spacious Hall Between every Tower in the midst of the said body of Building there was a pair of winding Stairs whereof the Steps were part of Porphyry part of Numidian stone and part of Serpentine marble each of those steps being two and twenty foot in length and three fingers thick and the just number of twelve betwixt every rest or landing place In every resting place were two fair antic Arches where the light came in and by those they went into a Cabinet made even with and of the breadth of the said winding and the re-ascending above the roofs of the House ending conically in a Pavillion By that vize or winding they entred on every side into a great Hall and from the Halls into the Chambers From the Arctic Tower unto the Criere were the fair great Libraries in Greek Latin Hebrew French Italian and Spanish respectively distributed in their several Cantons according to the diversity of these Languages In the midst there was a wonderful winding-stair the entry whereof was without the House in a Vault or Arch six fathom broad It was made in such symmetry and largeness that six Men at Arms with their Lances in their Rests might together in a breast ride all up to the very top of all the Palace From the Tower Anatole to the Mesembrine were fair spacious Galleries all coloured over and painted with the ancient Prowesses Histories and Descriptions of the World In the midst thereof there was likewise such another Ascent and Gate as we said there was on the river-side Upon that Gate was written in great antic Letters that which followeth CHAP. LIV. The Inscription set upon the great Gate of Theleme HEre enter not religious Boobies Sots Impostors sniveling Hypocrites Bigots Dark-brain-distorted Owls worse then the Huns Or Ostrogots forerunners of Baboons Curs'd Snakes dissembled Varlets seeming Sancts Slipshop Caffards Beggars pretending wants Fomenters of Divisions and Debates Elsewhere not here make sale of your Deceits Your filthy Trumperies Stuff'd with pernicious Lyes Not worth a bubble Would only trouble Our earthly Paradise Your filthy Trumperies Here enter not Attornies Barretters Nor bridle champing-law Practitioners Clerks Commissaries Scribes nor Pharises Wilful disturbers of the Peoples ease Iudges Destroyers with an unjust breath That like Dogs worry honest Men to death We want not your Demurrers nor your Pleas So at the Gibet go and seek your Fees We are not for Attendance or Delays But would with Ease and Quiet pass our Days Law-suits debates and wrangling Hence are exil'd and jangling Here we are very Frolick and merry And free from all intangling Law suits debate and wrangling Here enter not base pinching Vsurers Pelf-lickers everlasting Gatherers Gold-graspers Coin-gripers Gulpers of Mists With Harpy-griping Claws who tho your Chests Vast summs of Money should to you afford Would nevertheless be adding to the hoard And yet not be content you cluntchfist dastards Insatiable Fiends and Pluto's bastards Greedy devourers chichy sneakbil Rogues Hell-mastiffs gnaw your Bones you rav'nous Dogs You beastly looking Fellows Reason doth plainly tell us That we should not To you allot Room here but at the Gallows You beastly looking Fellows Here enter not unsociable Weight Humoursom Churl by Day nor yet by Night No grumbling Awf none of the sharping Trade No huffcap Squire or Brother o' the Blade A Tartar bred or in Alsatia Wars The Ruffian comes not hither with his Bears Elsewhere for shelter scour ye Bully-rocks And Rogues that rot with Infamy and Pox. Grace honour praise delight Here sojourn day and night Sound Bodies lin'd With a good mind Do here pursue with might Grace honour praise Delight Here enter you and welcom from our Hearts All noble Sparks endow'd with gallant Parts This is the glorious place which nobly shall Afford sufficient to content you all Were you a thousand here you shall not want For any thing for what you ask we grant The brave the witty here we entertain And in a word all worthy Gentlemen Men of heroic Breasts Shall taste here of the Feasts Both privily And civily All you are welcom guests Men of heroic Breasts Here enter you pure honest faithful true Expounders of the Scriptures old and new Whâ—se Glosses do not the plain truth disguise And with false light distract or blind our Eyes Here shall we find a safe and warm retreat When Error beats about and spreads her Net Strange Doctrins here must neither reap nor sow But Faith and Charity together grow In short confounded be their first devise Who are the Holy Scriptures Enemies Here in the Holy Word Trust all with one accord It will some help afford Though you be Knight or Lord You may find Shield and Sword Here in the Holy Word Here enter Ladies all of high Degree Of goodly Shape of Humour gay and free Of lovely Looks of sprightly Flesh and Blood Here take here chuse here settle your abode Then gent the brisk the fair whoever comes With Eyes that sparkle or whose Beauty blooms This Bower is fashion'd by a gentle Knight Ladies for you and innocent Delight This is design'd a place For every Charming Grace The Witty and the Fair Hither may all repair For every lovely Face This is design'd a Place CHAP. LV. What manner of Dwelling the Thelemites had IN the middle of the lower Court there was a stately Fountain of fair Alabaster Upon the top thereof stood the three Graces with their Cornucopias and did jett out the Water at their Breasts Mouth Ears Eyes and other open Passages of the Body The inside of the Buildings in this lower Court stood upon great Pillars of Cassydonie Stone and Porphyry Marble made Arch-ways after a goodly antic fashion Wiâ—hin those were spacious Galleries long and large adorned with curious Pictures the Horns of Bucks and Unicorns with Rhinosceroses Water-horses called Hippopotames the teeth and tusks of Elephants and other things well worth the holding The Lodging of the Ladies took up all from the Tower Arctic unto the Gate Mesembrine The Men possessed the rest before the said Lodging of the Ladies that they might have their Recreation between the two first Towers One the out-side were placed the Tilt-yard the Theatre and Natatorie with most admirable Baths in three Stages scituated above one another well furnished with all necessary Accommodation and store of Myrtle-water By the River side was the fair Garden of Pleasures and in the midst of that of Labyrinth Between the two other Towers were the Courts for the Tennis and the Baloon Towards the Tower
with the Dormouse whose Hawks Bells were made with a puntinaria after the manner of Hungary or Flanders Lace and which his Brother-in-Law carried in a Panier lying near to three Chevrons or bordered Gueules whilst he was clean out of heart drooping and crest-fallen by the too narrow sifting canvassing and curious examining of the Matter in the angulary Dog-hole of nasty Scoundrels from whence we shoot at the vermiformal Popingay with the Flap made of a Fox-tail But in that he chargeth the Defendant that he was a Botcher Cheese-eater and Trimmer of Man's Flesh imbalmed which in the arsiversy swagfal tumble was not found true as by the Defendant was very well discussed The Court therefore doth condemn and amerce him in three Poringers of Curds well cemented and closed together shining like Pearls and cod-pieced after the Fashion of the Country to be payed unto the said Defendant about the middle of August in May but on the other part the Defendant shall be bound to furnish him with Hay and Stubble for stopping the Caltrops of his Throat troubled and impulregafized with Gabardines garbeled shufflingly and Friends as before without Costs and for cause Which Sentence being pronounced the two Parties departed both contented with the Decree which was a thing almost incredible for it never came to pass since the great Rain nor shall the like occur in thirteen Jubilees hereafter that two Parties contradictorily contending in Judgment be equally satisfied and well pleased with the definitive Sentence As for the Counsellors and other Doctors in the Law that were there present they were all so ravivished with Admiration at the more than Humane Wisdom of Pantagruel which they did most clearly perceive to be in him by his so accurate Decision of this so difficult and thorny Cause that their Spirits with the Extremity of the Rapture being elevated above the pitch of actuating the Organs of the Body they fell into a Trance and sudden Extasy wherein they stayed for the space of three long Hours and had been so as yet in that Condition had not some good People fetched store of Vineger and Rose-water to bring them again unto their former Sense and Understanding For the which God be praised every where And so be it CHAP. XIV How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out of the Hands of the Turks THe great Wit and Judgment of Pantagruel was immediately after this made known unto all the World by setting forth his Praises in Print and putting upon Record this late wonderful Proof he hath given thereof amongst the Rolls of the Crown and Registers of the Palace in such sort that every Body began to say that Solomon who by a probable Guess only without any further certainty caused the Child to be delivered to its own Mother shewed never in his time such a Master-piece of Wisdom as the good Pantagruel had done happy are we therefore that have him in our Country And indeed they would have made him thereupon Master of the Requests and President in the Court but he refused all very graciously thanking them for their Offer for said he there is too much Slavery in these Offices and very hardly can they be saved that do exercise them considering the great Corruption that is amongst Men. Which makes me believe if the empty Seats of Angels be not fill'd with other kind of People than those we shall not have the final Judgment these seven thousand sixty and seven Jubilees yet to come and so Cusanus will be deceived in his Conjecture Remember that I have told you of it and given you fair Advertisement in time and place convenient But if you have any Hogsheads of good Wine I willingly will accept of a Present of that which they very heartily did do in sending him of the best that was in the City and he drank reasonably well But poor Panurge bibbed and bowsed of it most villainously for he was as dry as a Red herring as lean as a Rake and like a poor lank slender Cat walked gingerly as if he had trod upon Eggs so that by some one being admonished in the midst of his Draught of a large deep Bowl full of excellent Claret with these words Fair and softly Gossip you suck up as if you were mad I give thee to the Devil said he thou hast not found here thy little tipling Sippers of Paris that drink no more than the Chaffinch and never take in their Beak full of Liquor till they be bobbed on the Tails after the manner of the Sparrows O Companion if I could mount up as well as I can get down I had been long e're this above the Sphere of the Moon with Empedocles But I cannot tell what a Devil this means This Wine is so good and delicious that the more I drink thereof the more I am a-thirst I believe that the Shadow of my Master Pantagruel maketh Men a-thirsty as the Moon doth the Catarrs and Defluxions At which word the Company began to laugh Which Pantagruel perceiving said Panurge what is that which moves you to laugh so Sir said he I was telling them that these devilish Turks are very unhappy in that they never drink one drop of Wine and that though there were no other harm in all Mahomet's Alcoran yet for this one base Point of Abstinence from Wine which therein is commanded I would not submit my self unto their Law But now tell me said Pantagruel how you escaped out of their Hands By G Sir said Panurge I will not lie to you in one word The rascally Turks had broached me upon a Spit all larded like a Rabbet for I was so dry and meagre that otherwise of my Flesh they would have made but very bad Meat and in this manner began to rost me alive As they were thus roasting me I recommended my self unto the Divine Grace having in my Mind the good St. Lawrence and always hoped in God that he would deliver me out of this Torment which came to pass and that very strangely for as I did commit my self with all my Heart unto God crying Lord God help me Lord God save me Lord God take me out of this Pain and hellish Torture wherein these traiterous Dogs detain me for my Sincerity in the Maintenance of thy Law the Turn-spit fell asleep by the Divine Will or else by the Virtue of some good Mercury who cunningly brought Argus into a Sleep for all his hundred Eyes When I saw that he did no longer turn me in roasting I looked upon him and perceived that he was fast asleep then took I up in my Teeth a Fire-brand by the end where it was not burnt and cast it into the Lap of my Roaster and another did I throw as well as I could under a Field-bed that was placed near to the Chimney wherein was the Straw-bed of my Master Turn-spit presently the Fire took hold in the Straw and from the Straw to the Bed and from the Bed to
Watch was to pass a Train of Gun-powder and at the very instant that they went along set fire to it and then made himself Sport to see what good Grace they had in running away thinking that St. Anthony's Fire had caught them by the Legs As for the poor Masters of Arts he did persecute them above all others When he encountered with any of them upon the Street he would never fail to put some Trick or other upon them sometimes putting a fry'd Turd in their Graduate Hoods at other times pinning on little Fox-tails or Hares-ears behind them or some such other roguish Prank One Day that they were appointed all to meet in the Fodder-street he made a Borbonnesa Tart made of store of Gâ—â—lick of Assa foetida of Castoreum of Dogs Turds very warm which he steep'd temper'd and liquifi'd in the corrupt Matter of pocky Biles and pestiferous Botchâ—s and very early in the Morning therewith anointed all the Pavement in such sort that the Devil could not have endured it Which made all these good People there to lay up their Gorges and vomit what was upon their Stomachs before all the World as if they had flayed the Fox And ten or twelve of them died of the Plague fourteen became Lepers eighteen grew Lousy and above seven and twenty had the Pox but he did not care a Button for it He commonly carried a Whip under his Gown wherewith he whipt without remission the Pages whom he found carrying Wine to their Masters to make them mend their pace In his Coat he had above six and twenty little Fabs and Pockets always full one with some Lead-water and a little Knife as sharp as a Glover's Needle wherewith he used to cut Purses Another with some kind of bitter Stuff which he threw into the Eyes of those he met Another with Clotburs penned with little Geese or Capons Feathers which he cast upon the Gowns and Caps of honest People and often made them fair Horns which they wore about all the City sometimes all their Life Very often also upon the Womens Hoods would he stick in the hind-part somewhat made in the Shape of a Man's Member In another he had a great many little Horns full of Fleas 〈◊〉 Lice which he borrowed from the 〈◊〉 of St. Innocent and cast them 〈…〉 â—mall Canes or Quills to write with â—nto the Necks of the daintiest Gentlewomen 〈…〉 could find yea even in the Church for he never seated himself above in the Quire but always sate in the Body of the Church amongst the Women both at Mass at Vespres and at Sermon In another he used to have good store of Hooks and Buckles where withal he would couple Men and Women together that sate in company close to one another but especially those that wore Gowns of Crimson Taffaties that when they were about to go away they might rent all their Gowns In another he had a Squib furnished with Tinder Matches Stones to strike Fire and all other Tackling necessary for it In another two or three burning Glasses wherewith he made both Men and Women sometimes mad and in the Church put them quite out of Countenance for he said that there was but an Antistrophe between a Woman folle a la messe and molle a la fesse In another he had a good deal of Needles and Thread wherewith he did a thousand little devillish Pranks One time at the entry of the Palace unto the great Hall where a Cordelier was to say Mass to the Counsellors he did help to apparel him and put on his Vestments but in the accoutring of him he sowed on his Alb Surplice or Stole to his Gown and Shirt and then withdrew himself when the said Lords of the Court or Counsellors came to hear the said Mass but when it came to the Ite missa est that the poor Frater would have laid by his Stole or Surplice he plucked off withal both his Frock and Shirt which were well sowed together and thereby stripping himself up to the very Shoulders shewed his what do you Call-um to all the World which was no small one as you may imagine and the Friar still kept haling but so much the more did he discover himself and lay open his Back-parts till one of the Lords of the Court said How now what 's the matter will this good Father make us here an Offering of his Tail to kiss it nay St. Anthony's Fire kiss it for us From thenceforth was made an Ordinance that the poor Fathers should never disrobe themselves any more before the World but in their Vestry-room especially in the presence of Women lest it should tempt them to the Sin of Longing and disordinate Desire The People then asked why it was the Friars had so long and large Genitories the said Panurge resolved the Problem very neatly saying That which makes Asses to have such great Ears is that their Dams did put no Biggins on their Heads as Alliaco mentioneth in his Suppositions by the like Reason that which makes the Generation-Tools of those fair Fraters so long is for that they ware no bottomed Breeches and therefore their jolly Member having no Impediment hangeth dangling at liberty as far as it can reach with a wigle-wagle down to their Knees as Woman carry their Patinotre Beads And the cause wherefore they have it so correspondently great is that in this constant wig-wagging the Humours of the Body descend into the said Member for according to the Legists Agitation and continual Motion is cause of Attraction Item He had another Pocket full of itching Powder called Stone-allum whereof he would cast some into the Backs of those Women whom he judged to be most beautiful and stately which did so ticklishly gall them that some would strip themselves in the open view of the World and others dance like a Cock upon hot Embers or a Drum-stick on a Taber others again ran about the Streets and he would run after them to such as were in the stripping Vein he would very civilly come to offer his Attendance and cover them with his Cloak like a courteous and very gracious Man Item In another he had a little Leather-bottle full of old Oil wherewith when he saw any Man or Woman in a rich new handsom Sute he would grease smutch and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and pretence of touching them saying This is good Cloth this is good Sattin good Taffaties Madam God give you all that your noble Heart desireth you have a new Sute pretty Sir and you a new Gown sweet Mistris God give you Joy of it and maintain you in all Prosperity and with this would lay his Hand upon their Shoulder at which touch such a villanous Spot was left behind so enormously engraven to Perpetuity in the very Soul Body and Reputation that the Devil himself could never have taken it away Then upon his departing he would say Madam take heed you do not fall for
Plautus in his Pot and by Ausonius in his Griphon and by divers others which Cook for having by his scraping discovered a Treasure had his Hide well curry'd Put the case I get no Anger by it though formerly such things fell out and the like may occur again Yet by Hercules it will not So I perceive in them all one and the same specifical Form and the like individual Proprieties which our Ancestors called Pantagruelism by vertue whereof they will bear with any thing that floweth from a good free and loyal Heart I have seen them ordinarily take good will in part of payment and remain satisfied therewith when one was not able to do better Having dispatched this point I return to my Barrel Up my Lads to this Wine spare it not drink Boys and trowl it off at full Bowls if you do not think it good let it alone I am not like those officious and importunate Sots who by Force Outrage and Violence constrain an easie good-natur'd Fellow to whiffle quaff carouse and what is worse All honest Tiplers all honest gouty Men all such as are adry coming to this little Barrel of mine need not drink thereof if it please them not but if they have a mind to it and that the Wine prove agreeable to the Tastes of their worshipful Worships let them drink frankly freely and boldly without paying any thing and welcome This is my Decree my Statute and Ordinance and let none fear there shall be any want of Wine as at the Marriage of Cana in Galilee for how much soever you shall draw forth at the Faucet so much shall I tun in at the Bung. Thus shall the Barrel remain inexhaustible it hath a lively Spring and perpetual Current Such was the Beverage contained within the Cup of Tantalus which was figuratively represented amongst the Bracman Sages Such was in Iberia the Mountain of Salt so highly written of by Cato Such was the Branch of Gold consecrated to the subterranean Goddess which Virgil treats of so sublimely It is a true Cornu-copia of Merriment and Railery If at any time it seem to you to be emptied to the very Lees yet shall it not for all that be drawn wholly dry good Hope remains there at the bottom as in Pandora's Bottle and not despair as in the Punction of the Danaids Remark well what I have said and what manner of People they be whom I do invite for to the end that none be deceived I in imitation of Lucilius who did protest that he wrote only to his own Tarentias and Consentius have not pierced this Vessel for any else but you honest Men who are Drinkers of the First Edition and gouty Blades of the highest degree The great Dorophages Bribe-mongers have on their hands occupation enough and enough on the Hooks for their Venison There may they follow their Prey here is no Garbage for them You Pettifoggers Garbellers and Masters of Chicanery speak not to me I beseech you in the name of and for the Reverence you bear to the Four Hips that ingendred you and to the Quickning Peg which at that time conjoined them As for Hypocrites much less although they were all of them unsound in Body pockify'd scurfie furnish'd with unquenchable Thirst and insatiable Eating because indeed they are not of good but of evil and of that evil from which we daily pray to God to deliver us And albeit we see them sometimes counterfeit Devotion yet never did Old Age make pretty Moppet Hence Mastiffs Dogs in a Doublet get you behind aloof Villains out of my Sun-shine Curs to the Devil Do you jog hither wagging your Tails so pant at my Wine and bepiss my Barrel Look here is the Cudgel which Diogines in his last Will ordained to be set by him after his Death for beating away crushing the Reins and breaking the Backs of these Bustuary Hobgoblins and Cerberian Hell-hounds Pack you hence therefore you Hypocrites to your Sheep-dogs get you gone you Dissemblers to the Devil Hay What are you there yet I renounce my part of Papimanie If I snatch you Grr Grrr Grrrrrr. Avant Avant will you not be gone May you never shit till you be soundly lash'd with Stirrup Leather never piss but by the Strapado nor be otherways warmed than by the Bastinado CHAP. I. How Pantagruel transported a Colony of Utopians into Dypsodie PAntagruel having wholly subdued the Land of Dypsodie transported thereunto a Colony of Utopians to the number of 9876543210 Men besides the Women and little Children Artificers of all Trades and Professors of all Sciences to people cultivate and improve that Country which otherways was ill inhabited and in the greatest part thereof but a meer Desert and Wilderness and did transport them so much for the excessive multitude of Men and Women which were in Utopia multiplied for number like Grashoppers upon the face of the Land You understand well enough nor is it needful further to explain it to you that the Utopian Men had so rank and fruitful Genetories and that the Utopian Women carryed Matrixes so ample so glutonous so tenaciously retentive and so Architectonically cellulated that at the end of every Ninth Month Seven Children at the least what Male what Female were brought forth by every Married Woman in imitation of the People of Israel in Egypt if Anthony de Lira be to be trusted Nor yet was this Transplantation made so much for the Fertility of the Soil the Wholsomness of the Air or Commodity of the Country of Dypsodie as to retain that Rebellious People within the bounds of their Duty and Obedience by this new Transport of his ancient and most faithful Subjects who from all time out of mind never knew acknowledged owned or served any other Soveraign Lord but him and who likewise from the very instant of their Birth as soon as they were entred into this World had with the Milk of their Mothers and Nurses sucked in the Sweetness Humanity and Mildness of his Government to which they were all of them so nourished and habituated that there was nothing surer than that they would sooner abandon their Lives than swerve from this singular and primitive Obedience naturally due to their Prince whithersoever they should be dispersed or removed And not only should they and their Children successively descending from their Blood be such but also would keep and maintain in this same Fealty and obsequious Observance all the Nations lately annexed to his Empire which so truly came to pass that therein he was not disappointed of his intent For if the Utopians were before their Transplantation thither dutiful and faithful Subjects the Dypsodes after some few days conversing with them were every whit as if not more loyal than they and that by vertue of I know not what natural Fervency incident to all Humane Creatures at the beginning of any labour wherein they took delight solemnly attesting the Heavens and supreme Intelligences of their being only sorry that no
Wenches felling Timber burning the great Logs for the Sale of the Ashes borrowing Money before-hand buying dear selling cheap and eating his Corn as it were whilst it was but Grass Pantagruel being advertised of this his Lavishness was in good sooth no way offended at the matter angry nor sorry for I once told you and again tell it you that he was the best little great Goodman that ever girded a Sword to his Side he took all things in good part and interpreted every Action to the best Sence He never vexed nor disquieted himself with the least pretence of Dislike to any thing because he knew that he must have most grosly abandoned the Divine Mansion of Reason if he had permitted his Mind to be never so little grieved afflicted or altered at any occasion whatsoever For all the Goods that the Heaven covereth and that the Earth containeth in all their Dimensions of Heighth Depth Breadth and Length are not of so much worth as that we should for them disturb or disorder our Affections trouble or perplex our Senses or Spirits He drew only Panurge aside and then making to him a sweet Remonstrance and mild Admonition very gently represented before him in strong Arguments That if he should continue in such an unthrifty course of living and not become a better Mesnagier it would prove altogether impossible for him or at least hughly difficult at any time to make him rich Rich answered Panurge Have you fixed your Thoughts there Have you underraken the Task to enrich me in this World Set your Mind to live merrily in the Name of God and good Folks let no other Cark nor Care be harboured within the Sacro sanctified Domicile of your Celestial Brain May the Calmness and Tranquility thereof be never incommodated with or over-shadowed by any frowning Clouds of fullen Imaginations and displeasing Annoyance For if you live joyful meery jocund and glad I cannot be but rich enough Every body cries up thrift thrift and good Husbandry but many speak of Robin Hood that never shot in his Bow and talk of that Vertue of Mesnagery who know not what belong to it It is by me that they must be advised From me therefore take this Advertisement and Information that what is imputed to me for a Vice hath been done in imitation of the University and Parliament of Paris places in which is to be found the true Spring and Source of the lively Idea of Pantheology and all manner of Justice Let him be counted an Heretick that doubteth thereof and doth not firmly believe it Yet they in one day eat up their Bishop or the Revenue of the Bishoprick is it not all one for a whole year yea sometimes for two This is done on the day he makes his Entry and is installed Nor is there any place for an Excuse for he cannot avoid it unless he would be houted at and stoned for his Parsimony It hath been also esteemed an act flowing from the Habit of the Four Cardinal Vertues Of Prudence in borrowing Money before-hand for none knows what may fall out who is able to tell if the World shall last yet three years But although it should continue longer is there any Man so foolish as to have the Confidence to promise himself three years What fool so confident to say That he shall live one other day Of Commutative Iustice in buying dear I say upon trust and selling good cheap that is for ready Money what says Cato in his Book of Husbandry to this purpose The Father of a Family says he must be a perpetual Seller by which means it is impossible but that at last he shall become rich if he have of vendible Ware enough still ready for sale Of Distributive Iustice it doth partake in giving Entertainment to good remark good and gentle Fellows whom Fortune had Shipwrack'd like Ulysses upon the Rock of a hungry Stomach without provision of Sustenance And likewise to the good remark the good and young Wenches For according to the Sentence of Hippocrates Youth is impatient of Hunger chiefly if it be vigorous lively frolick brisk stirring and bouncing which wanton Lasses willingly and heartily devote themselves to the pleasure of Honest Men and are in so far both Platonick and Ciceronian that they do acknowledge their being born into this World not to be for themselves alone but that in their proper Persons their Acquaintance may claim one share and their Friends another The Vertue of Fortitude appears therein by the cutting down and overthrowing of the great Trees like a second Milo making Havock of the dark Forests which did serve only to furnish Dens Caves and Shelter to Wolves wild Boars and Foxes and afford Receptacles withdrawing Corners and Refuges to Robbers Thieves and Murtherers lurking holes and sculking places for Cut-throat Assassinators secret obscure Shops for Coiners of false money and safe Retreats for Hereticks laying them even and level with the plain Champian Fields and pleasant Heathy Ground at the sound of the Hau-bois and Bagpipes playing reeks with the high and stately Timber and preparing Seats and Benches for the Eve of the dreadful day of Judgment I gave thereby proof of my Temperance in eating my Corn whilst it was but Grass like an Hermit feeding upon Sallets and Roots that so affranchising my self from the Yoak of sensual Appetites to the utter disclaiming of their Sovereignty I might the better reserve somewhat in store for the relief of the lame blind cripple maimed needy poor and wanting Wretches In taking this course I save the Expence of the Weed-grubbers who gain Money of the Reapers in Harvest-time who drink lustily and without Water of Gleaners who will expect their Cakes and Bannocks of Threshers who leave no Garlick Scallions Leeks nor Onyons in our Gardens by the Authority of Thestilis in Virgil and of the Millers who are generally Thieves and of the Bakers who are little better is the small Saving or Frugality besides the mischief and damage of the Field-mice the decay of Barns and the destruction usually made by Weesils and other Vermin Of Corn in the Blade You may make good green Sauce of a light Concoction and easie Digestion which recreates the Brain and exhilerates the Animal Spirits rejoyceth the Sight openeth the Appetite delighteth the taste comforteth the Heart tickleth the Tongue cheareth the Countenance striking a fresh and lively Colour strengthening the Muscles tempers the Blood disburthens the Midrif refresheth the Liver disobstructs the Spleen easeth the Kidneys suppleth the Reins quickens the Joynts of the Back cleanseth the Urine-Conduits dilates the Spermatick Vessels shortens the Cremasters purgeth the Bladder puffeth up the Genitories correcteth the prepuce hardens the Nut and rectifies that Member It will make you have a current Belly to trot fart dung piss sneeze cough spit belch spew yawn snuff blow breath snort sweat and set taunt your Robin with a thousand other rare advantages I understand you very well says Pantagruel you
World most happy Yea thrice and four times blessed is that People I think in very deed that I am amongst them and swear to you by my good Forsooth that if this glorious aforesaid World had a Pope abounding with Cardinals that so he might have the Association of a Sacred Colledge in the space of very few years you should be sure to see the Sancts much thicker in the Roll more numerous wonder-working and mirifick more Services more Vows more Staves and Wax-Candles than are all those in the Nine Bishopricks of Britany St. Yves only excepted Consider Sir I pray you how the noble Patelin having a mind to Deity and extol even to the Third Heavens the Father of William Iosseaume said no more but this And he did lend his Goods to those who were desirous of them O the fine Saying Now let our Microcosm be fancied conform to this Model in all its Members lending borrowing and owing that is to say according to its own Nature For Nature hath not to any other end created Man but to owe borrow and lend no greater is the Harmony amongst the Heavenly Spheres than that which shall be found in its well-ordered Policy The Intention of the Founder of this Microcosm is to have a Soul therein to be entertained which is lodged there as a Guest with its Host it may live there for a while Life consisteth in Blood Blood is the Seat of the Soul therefore the chiefest Work of the Microcosm is to be making Blood continually At this Forge are exercised all the Members of the Body none is exempted from Labour each operates apart and doth its proper Office And such is their Hierarchy that perpetually the one borrows from the other the one lends the other and the one is the others Debtor The stuff and matter convenient which Nature giveth to be turned into Blood is Bread and Wine All kind of nourishing Victuals is understood to be comprehended in these two and from hence in the Gothish Tongue is called Companage To find out this Meat and Drink to prepare and boil it the Hands are put to Work the Feet do walk and bear up the whole Bulk of the Corporal Mass the Eyes guide and conduct all the Appetite in the Orifice of the Stomach by means of little sowrish black Humour called Melancholy which is transmitted thereto from the Milt giveth warning to shut in the Food The Tongue doth make the first Essay and tastes it the Teeth do chaw it and the Stomach doth receive digest and chylifie it the Mesaraick Veins suck out of it what is good and fit leaving behind the Excrements which are through special Conduits for that purpose voided by an expulsive Faculty thereafter it is carried to the Liver where it being changed again it by the vertue of that new Transmutation becomes Blood What Joy conjecture you will then be found amongst those Officers when they see this Rivolet of Gold which is their sole Restorative No greater is the Joy of Alchimists when after long Travel Toil and Expence they see in their Furnaces the Transmutation Then is it that every Member doth prepare it self and strive a-new to purifie and to refine this Treasure The Kidneys through the emulgent Veins draw that Aquosity from thence which you call Urine and there send it away through the Ureters to be slipt downwards where in a lower Recepticle and proper for it to wit the Bladder it is kept and stayeth there until an opportunity to void it out in his due time The Spleen draweth from the Blood its Terrestrial part viz. The Grounds Lees or thick Substance setled in the bottom thereof which you term Melancholy The Bottle of the Gall substracts from thence all the superfluous Choler whence it is brought to another Shop or Work-house to be yet better purified and fined that is the Heart which by its agitation of Diastolick and Systolick Motions so neatly subtilizeth and inflames it that in the right side Ventricle it is brought to perfection and through the Veins is sent to all the Members each parcel of the Body draws it then unto its self and after its own fashion is cherished and alimented by it Feet Hands Thighs Arms Eyes Ears Back Breast yea all and then it is that who before were Lenders now become Debtors The Heart doth in its left side Ventricle so thinnifie the Blood that it thereby obtains the Name of Spiritual which being sent through the Arteries to all the Members of the Body serveth to warm and winnow the other Blood which runneth through the Veins The Lights never cease with its Lappets and Bellows to cool and refresh it in acknowledgment of which good the Heart through the Arterial Vein imparts unto it the choicest of its Blood At last it is made so fine and subtle within the Rete Mirabilis that thereafter those Animal Spirits are framed and composed of it by means whereof the Imagination Discourse Judgment Resolution Deliberation Ratrocination and Memory have their Rise Actings and Operations Cops body I sink I drown I perish I wander astray and quite fly out of my self when I enter into the Consideration of the profound Abyss of this World thus lending thus owing Believe me it is a Divine thing to lend to owe an Heroick Vertue Yet is not this all this little World thus lending owing and borrowing is so good and charitable that no sooner is the above-specified Alimentation finished but that it forthwith projecteth and hath already forecast how it shall lend to those who are not as yet born and by that Loan endeavour what it may to eternize it self and multiply in Images like the Pattern that is Children To this end every Member hath of the choicest and most precious of its Nourishment pare and cut off a Portion then instantly dispatcheth it downwards to that place where Nature hath prepared for it very fit Vessels and Receptacles through which descending to the Genitories by long Ambages Circuits and Flexuosities it receiveth a competent Form and Rooms apt enough both in the Man and Woman for the future Conservation and perpetuating of Humane kind All this is done by Loans and Debts of the one unto the other and hence have we this word the Debt of Marriage Nature doth reckon Pain to the Refuser with a most grievous Vexation to his Members and an outragious Fury amidst his Senses But on the other part to the Lender a set Reward accompanied with Pleasure Joy Solace Mirth and merry Glee CHAP. V. How Pantagruel altogether abhorreth the Debtors and Borrowers I Understand you very well quoth Pantagruel and take you to be very good at Topicks and throughly affectioned to your own Cause But preach it up and patrocinate it prattle on it and defend it as much as you will even from hence to the next Whitsuntide if you please so to do yet in the end will you be astonished to find how you shall have gained no ground at all upon
only in this but in several other matters also of the like nature have spoken at random and rather out of an ambitious Envy to check and reprehend their Betters than for any design to make enquiry into the solid Truth I will not launch my little Skif any further into the wide Ocean of this Dispute only will I tell you that the Praise and Commendation is not mean and slender which is due to those honest and good Women who living chastly and without blame have had the power and vertue to curb range and subdue that unbridled heady and wild Animal to an obedient submissive and obsequious yielding unto Reason Therefore here will I make an end of my Discourse thereon when I shall have told you that the said Animal being once satiated if it be possible that it can be contented or satisfied by that Aliment which Nature hath provided for it out of the Epididymal Store-house of Man all its former and irregular and disordered Motions are at an end laid and asswaged all its vehement and unruly Longings lulled pacified and quieted and all the furious and raging Lusts Appetites and Desires thereof appeased suppressed calmed and extinguished For this cause let it seem nothing strange unto you if we be in a perpetual Danger of being Cuckolds that is to say such of us as have not wherewithal fully to satisfie the Appetite and Expectation of that voracious Animal Ods Fish quoth Panurge have you no preventive Cure in all your Medicinal Art for hindring ones â—ead to be Horny-graffed at home whilst his Feet are plodding abroad Yes that I have my gallant Friend answered Rondibilis and that which is a Sovereign Remedy whereof I frequently make use my self and that you may the better relish it is set down and written in the Book of a most famous Author whose Renown is of a standing of two thousand Years Hearken and take good heed You are quoth Panurge by Cocks-Hobby a right honest Man and I love you with all my heart eat a little of this Quince-Pye it is very proper and convenient for the shutting up of the Orifice of the Ventricle of the Stomach because of a kind of astringent Stypticity which is in that sort of Fruit and is helpful to the first Concoction But what I think I speak Latin before Clerks Stay fill I give you somewhat to drink out of this Nestorian Goblet Will you have another Draught of white Hippocras Be not afraid of the Squinzy No There is neither Squinant Ginger nor Grains in it only a little choice Cinnamon and some of the best refined Sugar with the delicious White-wine of the Growth of that Vine which was set in the Slips of the great Sorbaple above the Wallnut-tree CHAP. XXXIII Rondibilis the Physician 's Cure of Cuckoldry AT that time quoth Randibilis when Iupitur took a view of the state of his Olympick House and Family and that he had made the Calender of all the Gods and Goddesses appointing unto the Festival of every one of them its proper day and season establishing certain fixed places and stations for the pronouncing of Oracles and relief of travelling Pilgrims and ordaining Victims Immolations and Sacrifices suitable and correspondent to the Dignity and Nature of the worshipped and adored Deity Did not he do asked Panurge therein as Tintouille the Bishop of Auxerre is said once to have done This Noble Prelate loved entirely the pure Liquor of the Grape as every honest and judicious Man doth therefore was it that he had an especial care and regard to the Bud of the Vine-tree as to the great Grandfather of Bacchus But so it is that for sundry Years together he saw a most pitiful Havock Desolation and Destruction made amongst the Sprouts Shootings Buds Blossoms and Sciens of the Vines by hoary Frosts Dank-fogs hot Mists unseasonable Colds chill Blasts thick Hail and other calamitous Chances of foul Weather happening as he thought by the dismal inauspiciousness of the Holy Days of St George St. Mary St. Paul St. Eutrope Holy Rood the Ascension and oâ—her Festivals in that time when the Sun passeth under the Sign of Taurus and thereupon harboured in his Mind this Opinion that the afore-named Saints were Saint Hail-flingers Saint Frost-senders Saint Fogmongers and Saint Spoilers of the Vine-buds for which cause be went about to have transmitted their Feasts from the Spring to the Winter to be Celebrated between Christmas and Epiphany so the Mother of the three Kings called it allowing them with all Honour and Reverence the liberty then to freeze hail and rain as much as they would for that he knew that at such a time Frost was rather profitable than hurtful to the Vine-buds and in their steads to have placed the Festivals of St. Christopher St. Iohn the Baptist St. Magdalene St. Ann St. Domingo and St. Lawrence yea and to have gone so far as to collocate and transpose the middle of August in and to the beginning of May because during the whole Space of their Solemnity there was so little danger of hoary Frosts and cold Mists that no Artificers are then held in greater Request than the Afforder of refrigerating Inventions Makers of Junkets fit Disposers of cooling Shades Composers of green Arbours and Refreshers of Wine Iupiter said Rondibilis forgot the poor Devil Cuckoldry who was then in the Court at Paris very eagerly solliciting a pedling Suit at Law for one of his Vassals and Tenants within some few days thereafter I have forgot how many when he got full notice of the Trick which in his Absence was done unto him he instantly desisted from prosecuting Legal Processes in the behalf of others full of Sollicitude to pursue after his own business lest he should be fore-closed And thereupon he appeared personally at the Tribunal of the great Iupiter displayed before him the importance of his preceeding Merits together with the acceptable Services which in Obedience to his Commandments he had formerly performed and therefore in all humility begged of him that he would be pleased not to leave him alone amongst all the Sacred Potentates destitute and void of Honour Reverence Sacrifices and festival Ceremonies To this Petition Iupiter's Answer was excusatory That all the Places and Offices of his House were bestowed Nevertheless so importuned was he by the continual Supplications of Monsieur Cuckoldry that he in fine placed him in the Rank List Roll Rubrick and Catalogue and appointed Honours Sacrifices and Festival Rites to be observed on Earth in great Devotion and tendred to him with Solemnity The Feast because there was no void empty nor vacant place in all the Calender was to be celebrated jointly with and on the same day that had been consecrated to the Goddess Iealousie His Power and Dominion should be over Married Folks especially such as had handsom Wives His Sacrifices were to be Suspicion Diffidence Mistrust a lowring powting Sullenness Watchings Wardings Researchings Plyings Explorations together with the Way-layings
Cardinalised with boyling Gods Fish said the Monk the Porter of our Abbey then hath not his head well-boyled for his Eyes are as red as a mazer made of an Alder-tree The thigh of this Leveret is good for those that have the Gout Some natural Philosophy ha ha what is the reason that the Thighs of a Gentlewoman are always fresh and cool This Problem said Gargantua is neither in Aristotle in Alexander Aphrodiseus nor in Plutarch There are three Causes said the Monk by which that place is naturally refreshed Primò because the water runs all along it Secundò because it is a shady place obscure and dark upon which the Sun never shines And thirdly because it is continually blown upon and aired by a reverberation from the back-door by the fan of the smock and flipflap of the Codpiece And lusty my Lads some bousing liquor Page so Crack crack crack O what a good God have we that gives us this excellent Juice I call him to witness if I had been in the time of Iesus Christ I would have kept him from being taken by the Iews in the Garden of Olivet and the Devil fail me if I should have failed to cut off the hams of these Gentlemen Apostles who ran away so basely after they had well supped and left their good Master in the lurch I hate that Man worse then poison that offers to run away when he should fight and lay stoutly about him Oh that I were but King of France for fourscore or an hundred years by G I should whip like curtail-dogs these run-aways of Pavie A plague take them why did they not chuse rather to die there than to leave their good Prince in that pinch and necessity Is it not better and more honourable to perish in fighting valiantly than to live in disgrace by a cowardly running away We are like to eat no great store of goslings this year therefore friend reach me some of that rosted pig there Diavolo is there no more must no more sweet Wine Germinavit radix Iesse I renounce my Life I die for thirst This Wine is none of the worst what Wine drink you at Paris I give my self to the Devil if I did not once keep open house at Paris for all commers six Months together Do you know Friar Claude of the high kildrekins Oh the good Fellow that he is but what Fly hath stung him of late he is become so hard a Student for my part I study not at all In our Abbey we never study for fear of the mumps Our late Abbot was wont to say that it is a monstrous thing to see a learned Monk by G Master my friend Magis Magnos clericos non sunt magis magnos sapientes You never saw so many hares as there are this Year I could not any where come by a goshawk nor tassel of falcon my Lord Beloniere promised me a Lanner but he wrote to me not long ago that he was become pursie The Patridges will so multiply henceforth that they will go near to eat up our ears I take no delight in the stalking-horse for I catch such cold that I am like to founder my self at that sport if I do not run toil travel and trot about I am not well at ease True it is that in Leaping over Hedges and Bushes my Frock leaves always some of its Wool behind it I have recovered a dainty grey-Hound I give him to the Devil if he suffer a hare to escape him A groom was leading him to my Lord Hunt-little and I robbed him of him did I ill No Friar Ihon said Gymnast no by all the devils that are no. So said the Monk do I attest these same devils so long as they last vertue G what could that gowty Limpard have done with so fine a Dog by the body of G he is better pleased when one presents him with a good yoke of Oxen. How now said Ponocrates you swear Friar Ihon It is only said the Monk but to grace and adorn my speech they are colours of a Ciceronian Rhetoric CHAP. XL. Why Monks are the out-casts of the world and wherefore some have bigger noses then others BY the faith of a Christian said Eudemon I am highly transported when I consider what an honest Fellow this Monk is for he makes us all merry How is it then that they exclude the Monks from all good Companies calling them feast-troublers as the Bees drive away the drones from their Hives Ignavum fucos pecus said Maro á presepibus arcent Here-unto answer'd Gargantua there is nothing so true as that the Frock and Cowle draw to them the Opprobries Injuries and Maledictions of the World just as the Wind call'd Cecias attracts the Clouds the peremptory reason is because they eat the Turd of the World that is to say they feed upon the Sins of the people And as a noysom thing they are cast inâ—o the Privies that is the Convents and Abbyes separated from civil conversation as the Privies and Retreats of a House are but if you conceive how an Ape in a family is always mocked and provokingly incensed you shall easily apprehend how Monks are shunned of all Men both young and old the Ape keeps not the House as a Dog doth He draws not in the Plow as the Oxe he yields neither Milk nor Wool as the Sheep he carrieth no burthen as a Horse doth that which he doth is only to conskit spoil and defile all which is the cause wherefore he hath of all men mocks frumperies and bastonadoes After the same manner a Monk I mean those little idle lazie Monks do not labour and work as do the Peasant and Artificer doth not ward and defend the Countrey as doth the Souldier cureth not the sick and diseased as the Physician doth doth neither preach nor teach as do the Evangelical Doctors and Schoolmasters doth not import commodities and things necessary for the Common-wealth as the Merchant doth therefore â—s it that by and of all Men they are hooted at hated and abhorred Yea but said Grangousier they pray to God for us Nothing less answered Gargantua True it is with a tingle tangle jangling of bells they trouble and disquiet all their neighbours about them Right said the Monk a Mass a Matine a Vesper well rung and half said They mumble out great store of Legends and Psalms by them not at all understood they say many Paâ—enotres interlarded with ave-maries without thinking upon or apprehending the meaning of what it is they say which truly I call mocking of God and not Prayers But so help them God as they Pray for us and not for being afraid to lose their Victuals their Manchots and good fat Pottage All true Christians of all estates and conditions in all Places and at all times send up their Prayers to God and the Spirit prayeth and intercedeth for them and God is gracious to them Now such a one is our good Friar Ihon therefore every Man
desireth to have him in his company he is no bigot he is not for division he is an honest Heart plain resolute good Fellow he travels he labours he defends the oppressed comforts the afflicted helps the needy and keeps the Close of the Abbey Nay said the Monk I do a great deal more then that for whilest we are in dispatching our Matines and Anniversaries in the Quire I make withal some crosse bow-strings polish glasse-Bottles and Boults I twist Lines and weave purse-Nets wherein to catch coneys I am never idle but Hola Fill Fill some Drink some Drink here bring the Fruit these Chestnuts are of the Wood of Estrox and with good new Wine will make you a Composer of Bumsonnets You are not yet well liquor'd by G I drink at all Fords like a Promoters horse Friar Ihon said Gymnast take away the snot that hangs at your Nose Ha ha said the Monk am not I in danger of drowning seeing I am in water even to the Nose No no quare quia tho' it comes out thence abundantly yet there never goes in any for it is well antidoted with Syrrup of the Vine O my friend he that hath winter-boots made of such leather may boldly fish for Oysters for they will never take Water What is the cause said Gargantua that Friar Ihon hath such a goodly Nose Because said Grangousier that God would have it so who frameth us in such form and for such end as is most agreable to his divine Will even as a Potter fashioneth his Vessels Because said Ponocrates he came with the first to the Fair of Noses and therefore made choice of the fairest and and the greatest Pish said the Monk that is not the reason of it but according to the true Monastical Philosophy it is because my Nurse had soft teats by vertue whereof whilst she gave me suck my nose did sink in as in so much Butter The hard Breasts of Nurses make children short-nosed But hey gay Ad formam nasi cognoscitur ad te levavi I am for no sweet Stuff with my Tipple Boy Item rather some tosts CHAP. XLI How the Monk made Gargantua sleep and of his Hours and Breviaries SUpper being ended they consulted of the business in hand and concluded that about midnight they should fall unawares upon the enemy to know what manner of watch and ward they kept and in the mean while take a little rest the better to refresh themselves But Gargantua could not sleep by any means on which side soever he turned himself Whereupon the Monk said to him I never sleep soundly but when I am at Sermon or Prayers Let us therefore begin you and I the seven penitential Psalms to try whether you shall not quickly fall asleep The conceit pleased Gargantua very well and beginning the first of these Psalms as soon as they came to Beati quorum they fell asleep both the one and the other But the Monk for his being formerly accustomed to the hour of Claustral matines failed not to awake a little before midnight and being up himself awaked all the rest in singing aloud and with a full clear voice the song Awake O Reinian awake Awake O Reinian Ho Get up for a Pot and a Cake With a diddle dum diddle dum do When they were all rowsed and up he said My Masters it is a usual saying that we begin Matines with coughing and supper with drinking let us now in doing clean contrarily begin our Matines with drinking and at Night before supper we shall cough as hard as we can What said Gargantua to drink so soon after sleep this is not to live by the rule of Physicians for you ought first to scour and cleanse your stomac of all its superfluities O rot your Physicians said the Monk a hundred devils leap into my body if there be not more old Drunkards then old Physicians I have made this paction and covenant with my Appetite that it always lieth down and goes to Bed with me for of that I take very good care and then it also riseth with me the next Morning tend your cures as much as you will I will get me to my tiring What tiring do you mean said Gargantua My Breviary said the Monk for just as the Falconers before they feed their Hawks do make them tire at a hens leg to purge their Brains of flegm and sharpen them to a good Appetite so by taking this jolly little Breviary in the Morning I scour all my Lungs and find my self ready to drink After what manner said Gargantua do you say these belly heures of yours After the manner of Whipfield said the Monk by three Psalms and three Lessons or nothing at all he that will I never tye my self to hours les heures are made for the Man and not the Man for les heures therefore is it that I make my Prayers in fashion of stirrup-leathers I shorten or lengthen them when I think good Brevis Oratio penetrat coelos long a potatio evacuat Scyphos Where is that written by my faith said Ponocrates I cannot tell my Pillicock but thou art worth gold like you Sir said the Monk but venite apotemus Then made they ready rashers on the Coals in abundance and good fat Brewis with Sippets and the Monk drank at pleasure Some kept him company and did as he did others let it alone Afterwards every Man began to arm and equip himself for battle and they armed the Monk against his Will for he desired no other Armour for Back and Breast but his frock nor any other weapon in his hand but the staff of the Cross yet at their pleasure was he armed cap a-pe and mounted upon one of the best Horses in the Kingdom with a good slashing sable by his side together with him were Gargantua Ponocrates Gymnast Eudemon and five and twenty more of the most resolute and adventurous of Grangousier's house all armed at proof with their lances in their hands mounted like St. George and every one of them having a harquebuse behind him CHAP. XLII How the Monk encouraged his Fellow-Champions and how he hanged upon a Tree THus went out those valiant Champions on their adventure in full resolution to know what enterprise they should undertake and what to be aware of in the day of the great and horrible battle And the Monk encouraged them saying my Children do not fear nor doubt I will conduct you safely God and Sanct Benedict be with us If I had strength answerable to my courage by sdeath I would plume them for you like ducks I fear nothing but the great Ordnance yet I know a Prayer which the subsexton of our Abby taught me that will preserve a man from the violence of guns and all manner of fire engines but it will do me no good because I do not believe it However my staff of the Cross will be the devil Parblen whoever is a Duck amongst you I give my self to the Devil
it more scorched and dried up with Heat in the days of Elijah than it was at that time for there was not a Tree to be seen that had either Leaf or Bloom upon it the Grass was without Verdure or Greenness the Rivers were drained the Fountains dried up the poor Fishes abandoned and forsaken by their proper Element wandring and crying upon the Ground most horribly the Birds did fall down from the Air for want of Moisture and Dew wherewith to refresh them the Wolves Foxes Harts Wild-Boars Fallow-Deer Hares Coneys Weesils Brocks Badgers and other such Beasts were found dead in the Fields with their Mouths open In respect of Men there was the Pity you should have seen them lay out their Tongues like Hares that have been run six Hours many did throw themselves into the Wells others entred within a Cow's Belly to be in the Shade those Homer calls Alibants all the Country was at a stand and nothing could be done it was a most lamentable case to have seen the Labour of Mortals in defending themselves from the Vehemency of this horrifick Drought for they had work enough to do to save the holy Water in the Churches from being wasted but there was such order taken by the Counsel of my Lords the Cardinals and of our Holy Father that none did dare to take above one lick yet when any one came into the Church you should have seen above twenty poor thirsty Fellows hang upon him that was the Distributer of the Water and that with a wide open Throat gaping for some little drop like the rich Glutton in St. Luke that might fall by lest any thing should be lost O how happy was he in that Year who had a cool Cellar under ground well plenished with fresh Wine The Philosopher reports in moving the Question Wherefore is it that the Sea-Water is salt That at the time when Phoebus gave the Government of his resplendent Chariot to his Son Phaeton the said Phaeton unskilful in the Art and not knowing how to keep the Ecliptick-Line betwixt the two Tropicks of the Latitude of the Sun's Course strayed out of his way and came so near the Earth that he dried up all the Countries that were under it burning a great part of the Heaven which the Philosophers call Via lactea and the Huffsnuffs St. Iames his way altho the most lofty and high-crested Poets affirm that to be the place where Iuno's Milk fell when she gave Suck to Hercules The Earth at that time was so excessively heated that it fell into an enormous Sweat yea such an one that made it sweat out the Sea which is therefore salt because all Sweat is salt and this you cannot but confess to be true if you will taste of your own or of those that have the Pox when they are put into a sweating it is all one to me Just such another case fell out this same Year for on a certain Friday when the whole People were bent upon their Devotions and had made goodly Processions with store of Letanies and fair Preachings and Beseechings of God Almighty to look down with his Eye of Mercy upon their miserable and disconsolate Condition there was even then visibly seen issue out of the Ground great drops of Water such as fall from a Man in a top Sweat and the poor Hoydons began to rejoice as if it had been a thing very profitable unto them for some said that there was not one drop of Moisture in the Air whence they might have any Rain and that the Earth did supply the default of that Other learned Men said that it was a Shower of the Antipodes as Seneca saith in his fourth Book Quaestionum Naturalium speaking of the Source and Spring of Nilus but they were deceived for the Procession being ended when every one went about to gather of this Dew and to drink of it with full Bowls they found that it was nothing but Pickle and the very Brine of Salt more brackish in Taste than the saltest Water of the Sea and because in that very Day Pantagruel was born his Father gave him that Name for Panta in Greek is as much as to say all and Gruel in the Hagarene Language doth signify thirsty inferring hereby that at his Birth the whole World was adry and thirsty as likewise foreseeing that he would be some day Supream Lord and Soveraign of the thirsty Companions which was shewn to him at that very same hour by a more evident sign for when his Mother Badebec was in the bringing of him forth and that the Midwives did wait to receive him there came first out of her Belly threescore and eight Salt-sellers every one of them leading in a Halter a Mule heavy loaded with Salt after whom issued forth nine Dromedaries with great Loads of Gammons of Bacon and dried Neats-Tongues on their Backs then followed seven Camels loaded with Links and Chitterlins Hogs-puddings and Sassages after them came out five great Wains full of Leeks Garlick Onions and Chibols drawn with five and thirty strong Cart-horses which was six for every one besides the Thiller At the sight hereof the Midwives were much amazed yet some of them said Lo here is good Provision and indeed we need it for we drink but lazily as if our Tongues walked on Crutches truly this is a good sign there is nothing here but what is fit for us these are the Spurs of Wine that set it a going As they were tatling thus together after their own manner of Chat behold out comes Pantagruel all hairy like a Bear whereupon one of them inspired with a Prophetical Spirit said This will be a terrible Fellow he is born with all his Hair he is undoubtedly to do wonderful things and if he live he will be of Age. CHAP. III. Of the Grief wherewith Gargantua was moved at the Decease of his Wife Badebec WHen Pantagruel was born there was none more astonished and perplexed than was his Father Gargantua for on the one side seeing his Wife Badebec dead and on the other side his Son Pantagruel born so fair and so goodly he knew not what to say nor what to do and the Doubt that troubled his Brain was to know whether he should cry for the Death of his Wife or laugh for the Joy of his Son he was hinc inde choaked with Sophistical Arguments for he framed them very well in modo figura but he could not resolve them remaining pestered and entangled by this means like a Mouse catch'd in a Trap or Kite snar'd in a Gin. Shall I weep said he Yes for why my so good Wife is dead who was the most this the most that that ever was in the World Never shall I see her never shall I recover such another it is unto me an inestimable Loss O my good God what had I done that thou shouldst thus punish me Why didst thou not take me away before her seeing for me to live without her is
but to languish Ah Badebec Badebec my Minion my dear Heart my Pigsney my Duck my Honey my little C yet it hath in Circumference full six Acres three Rods five Poles four Yards two Feet one Inch and a half of good Woodland Measure my tender Peggy my Codpiece-Darling my bob and hit my Slipshoe-Lovy never shall I see thee Ah poor Pantagruel thou hast lost thy good Mother thy sweet Nurse thy well-beloved Lady O false Death how injurious and despightful hast thou been to me How malicious and outragious have I found thee in taking her from me my well-beloved Wife who should of right have been immortal With these words he did cry like a Cow but on a sudden fell a laughing like a Calf when Pantagruel came into his Mind Ha my little Son said he my Childilolly Fedlifondy Dandlichucky my Ballocky my pretty Rogue O how jolly thou art and how much am I bound to my gracious God that hath been pleased to bestow on me a Son so fair so spriteful so lively so smiling so pleasant and so gentle Ho ho ho ho how glad I am Let us drink ho and put away Melancholy bring of the best rinse the Glasses lay the Cloth drive out these Dogs blow this Fire light Candles shut that Door there cut this Bread in sippets for Brewis send away these poor Folks give them what they ask hold my Gown I will strip my self into my Doublet én cuerpo to make the Gossips merry and keep them company As he spake this he heard the Letanies and the Memento's of the Priests that carried his Wife to be buried which dash'd all his Merriment agen and was suddenly ravished another way saying Lord God must I again contrist my self this grieves me I am no longer young I grow old the Weather is dangerous I am sick I faint away by the Faith of a Gentleman it were better to cry less and drink more My Wife is dead well by G da jurandi I shall not raise her again by my crying she is well she is in Paradise at least if she be no higher she prayeth to God for us she is happy she is above the sense of our Miseries nor can our Calamities reach her What tho she be dead must not we also die the same Debt which she hath paid hangs over our Heads Nature will require it of us and we must all of us some day taste of the same sauce let her pass then and the Lord preserve the Survivors for I must now cast about how to get another Wife But I will tell you what you shall do said he to the Midwives where be they good Folks I cannot see them go you to my Wife's Interment and I will the while rock my Son for I find my self strangely altered and in danger of falling sick but drink one good Draught first you will be the better for it believe me upon my Honour They at his requst went to her Burial and Funeral Obsequies in the mean while poor Gargantua staying at home and willing to have somewhat in Remembrance of her to be engraven upon her Tomb made this Epitaph in the manner as followeth Dead is the noble Badebec Who had a Face like a Rebeck A Spanish Body and a Belly Of Swisserland she dy'd I tell ye In Child-birth pray to God that her He pardon wherein she did err Here lies her Body which did live Free from all Vice as I believe And did decease at my Bed-side The Year and Day in which she dy'd CHAP. IV. Of the Infancy of Pantagruel I Find by the Ancient Historiographers and Poets that divers have been born in this World after very strange manners which would be too long to repeat read therefore the seventh Chapter of Pliny if you have so much leisure yet have you never heard of any so wonderful as that of Pantagruel for it is a very difficult matter to believe how in the little time he was in his Mother's Belly he grew both in Body and Strength That which Hercules did was nothing when in his Cradle he slew two Serpents for those Serpents were but little and weak but Pantagruel being ye◠in his Cradle did far more admirable things and more to be amazed at I pass by here the Relation of how at every one of his Meals he supped up the Milk of four thousand and six hundred Cows and how to make him a Skellet to boil his Milk in there were set awork all the Brasiers of Somure in Anjoy of Villedieu in Normandy and of Bramont in Lorrain and they served in this Whitepot-meat to him in a huge great Bell which is yet to be seen in the City of Bourge in Berry near the Palace but his Teeth were already so well grown and so strengthned in Vigor that of the said Bell he bit off a great Morsel as very plainly doth appear till this hour One Day in the Morning when they would have made him suck one of his Cows for he never had any other Nurse as the History tells us he got one of his Arms loose from the swadling Bands wherewith he was kept fast in the Cradle laid hold on the said Cow under the left fore-Ham and grasping her to him ate up her Udder and half her Paunch with the Liver and the Kidnies and had devoured all up if she had not cried out most horribly as if the Wolves had held her by the Legs at which Noise Company came in and took away the said Cow from Pantagruel yet could they not so well do it but that the Quarter whereby he caught her was left in his Hand of which Quarter he gulp'd up the Flesh in a trice even with as much ease as you would eat a Sassage and that so greedily with desire of more that when they would have taken away the Bone from him he swallowed it down whole as a Cormorant would do a little Fish and afterwards began fumblingly to say Good good good for he could not yet speak plain giving them to understand thereby that he had found it very good and that he did lack but so much more which when they saw that attended him they bound him with great Cable-Ropes like those that are made at Tain for the Carriage of Salt to Lyons or such as those are whereby the great French Ship rides at Anchor in the Road of New-haven in Normandy But on a certain time a great Bear which his Father had bred got loose came towards him began to lick his Face for his Nurses had not throughly wiped his Chaps at which unexpected approach being on a sudden offended he as lightly rid himself of those great Cables as Samson did of the Hauser Ropes wherewith the Philistines had tied him and by your leave takes up Monsieur the Bear and tears him to you in pieces like a Pullet which served him for a Gorge-full or good warm Bit for that Meal Whereupon Gargantua fearing lest the Child should hurt himself caused