Christ far better The Dress for the Sacrament Lord where am I What! all the Children of the Bride-Chamber up and dress'd and I slumbring in my Bed Tell me ye fairest what make you up so early Alas our Lord was up before us all he called us up by Break-of-Day and wondered that we were not trimming our Lamps knowing with whom we were to feast this Day Well then I will rise up too O what a Shew do these bright and glittering Saints make in my Eyes surely they did not thus dress themselves It was my Father made them thus prepared to entertain his Son But where are my Cloaths Now for the fairest sweetest Robe of Thoughts and Wishes that can be found O how naked am I But where are my silken golden Twists of Faith to hang the Jewels of Joy and Love and Humility upon I am never dress'd till they be on O where are they I saw them by me but just now I laid them by my Heart before I went to Bed But ah I fear this envious World hath with her Vanities stolen them away or the envious Devil or Unbelief hath been ravelling or snarling of them that now I am as far to seek as ever Whither O whither shall I go to find them out Now will the Bridegroom come and I am not ready I cannot dare not go to Day now will my Lord be angry and ask me why I came not and I have no Answer to make him and if I go undress'd he will ask me where is my Wedding-Garment and then I shall be speechless Ah foolish simple Heart that thou should'st let these Thoughts of Earth so entangle themselves with thy Heavenly Meditations how to get them loose again thou know'st not this by Care thou mightest have prevented Now what Help Lord I have sinned O holy Father pardon this time and I will take more heed O come and untie my Thoughts from this Earth and come and dress me up as best pleaseth thee Come be not discouraged O my Soul let but thy Attire of Grace be whole that is sincere and thy God and Saviour will accept thee tho' thy Garments are not so much perfumed with Heaven as thy Brethrens are thy Lord knows all have not Talents alike and where he gives but little he expects but little thou hast an honest willing serious Heart that thinks it doth despise and trample under Feet the nearest dearest Pleasures Profits and Glories in the World compared with him that gave himself to Death for thee and hadst rather anger all the World than him by sinning against him in the least If this he true fear not thou hast thy Wedding-Garment on thou art well clad as mean soever as it is it is such an one as Heaven gave thee and such an one as thy dear Redeemer can and will embrace thee in The Presence-Chamber Fear not O my Soul I charge thee do not faint let not thy Weakness and the Poverty of thy Grace discourage thee see how thy Lord draws nigh O he comes and it is but to welcome thee and fall about thy Neck and kiss thee and bid thee a kind Welcome to thy bleeding Lord The Bread Welcome Fairest take and eat it is the sweetest Dainties dearest Morsel Heaven can afford thee Welcome my Dear to the Table of thy Lord welcome a thousand times I bid thee yea welcomer than thine own Heart can wish Take eat this Morsel it costs my Life it is a Portion thy Father sent unto thee by me and bid me remember thee of his Love to thee He bids thee remember a Father's Love I a Saviour's he hath a Heart to give thee and so have I take this in earnest of them both in one take freely if thou wert not welcome I would have told thee I would have ask'd thee for thy Wedding-Garment Tell me O tell me dost thou not love me I know thou dost And wilt not thou take the Cross and follow me I know thou wilt I heard thee and had Compassion on thy Groanings I know thee well enough thou art mine and I am thine take it I charge thee eat it as thou lovest me and while thou feedest remember the Love of thy dearest Redeemer The Wine Come my Dearest I have drunk and thou shalt pledge me I have broached my Sides and drew it on purpose for thee this is a Wine of my own making when I trod the Wine-Press of my Father's Wrath it is my Blood take and drink it Sin was the Cause of my wounding but to thy Soul it shall prove healing I died and bled to make this Banquet for thee I have brought thee into my Wine-Cellar and my Banner over thee shall be Love Fear not take and drink thou hast an Ulcer in thy Heart and this shall cure it thy Spirits are faint this shall revive thee Drink I charge thee drink on thy Love and Loyalty to me I command thee as thou wilt have thy Heart to mend thy Wounds to be cured thy Spirits to revive thy Fears to scatter thy Soul to love and obey me Take O take this Cup into thy Hand taste it and praise my Name Memorable Sayings and Passages collected and transcribed for his own Vse These are some among others WHat we are affraid to do before Men we should be affraid to think before God because our secret Thoughts are as obvious to the Eyes of God as our Actions to the Eyes of Men. God shewed more Mercy in saving some when he might have condemned all than he did Justice in leaving some to perish when he might have saved none Great Vertues without Sincerity of Heart are rejected when great Infirmities without Hypocrisie are pardon'd A good Intention cannot make a bad Action good tho' an ill Intention may make an Action in it self good to be evil He who presumes to sin in Hopes of Repentance shall be sure to repent because he presumes They who presume most in a time of Prosperity are most apt to despair in Adversity Repent one Day before thou diest was good Counsel I know not when that Day will be therefore I will repent to Day lest it should be too late to Morrow He that delays his Repentance one Day hath another Day more to repent of and one Day less to do it in God who joins the End and Means together doth accomplish all his Purposes of Good to us by working in us Desires and Endeavours sutable to those Purposes Better go to Heaven by the Gates of Hell than to Hell by the Gate of Heaven mourning to the Heavenly Glory than laughing to the Place of Torment One may suffer and not sin but if he sin he shall be sure to suffer Herod might have kept his Oath and not have cut off the Baptist's Head he only promised to grant what she ask'd to the half of his Kingdom whereas the Prophet's Head was more worth than the whole Such is the infinite Extent and Value of our Saviour's Merit that
inward Parts Dost thou observe the Frame of thy Heart in those things which none but God knows 3. O my Soul Dost thou oppose and abstain from Sin And is this Opposition and Abstinence settled and fixed in thy Heart not only for some Fits and Seasons but is it the habitual Inclination of thy Soul Is there in thee a Difficulty yea a kind of Impossibility to sin with Wilfulness and purposed Continuance or with such an universal Consent of Soul as wicked Men do And doth this Impossibility to Sin arise from a kindly Work of Grace within and not from any terrible Restraint upon thy Conscience without Dost thou in good measure and by degrees not only leave outward gross Sins but even conquer and crucifie the inward Body of Sin Dost thou oppose and leave Sin because of the evil Nature of Sin because it is contrary to God Is the Bent and Inclination of thy Heart against Sin universally Dost thou with Paul bewail the evil Motions of thy Heart Dost thou with Hezekiah humble thy self for the Pride of thy Heart Is Pride Unbelief Earthliness and the several Lusts of thy Soul discovered and crucified Dost thou abhor secret Sins as well as publick and fear God's Knowledge of thy Sins more than all the Worlds Dost thou abhor and lament Defects in holy Ordinances as well as gross Sins Neglects of holy Duties Lukewarmness and Distractions therein Dost thou not only oppose Sin in thy self but set against it in others Dost thou choose rather to suffer Affliction with the People of God than to sin against God Art thou such an one that thou canst not sin as others thou darest not sin thou hast an Averseness to Sin Dost thou not live in a course of known Sins thou sinnest not out of Malice nor makest a Trade of Sin 4. O my Soul Dost thou perform Duties spiritually Are thy Motives and Ends spiritual in thy spiritual Actions such as the Command of God injoying of Communion with God the Light of his Countenance Increase of Grace c. Is there Zeal Fervency Activity in thy Performance of Duties Is there in thee a free Inclination to the Duties that God requireth Are there in thee strong Oppositions and Combats against the Flesh and unregenerate Part 5. O my Soul Dost thou love the Brethren Dost thou love them because of the Image of God in them Dost thou love them because they are godly Dost thou love all the Godly Rich and Poor High and Low but them most of all that excel most in Purity and Godliness Art thou ready and willing to own them as Brethren and to join with them in time of Persecution Hast thou an holy Zeal against Sinners an Impatiency and holy Grief at the Wickedness of others Dost thou procure all spiritual Good to the Brethren as thou art able Dost thou pray for them exhort them provoke them to Good Dost thou bear their Burdens and forbear their Infirmities And if sometimes thou findest some Envyings some Impatiencies towards some of the Brethren for in the best is Imperfection of Grace yet is thy Soul troubled at this Dost thou pray down these Sins in thy Heart and art thou at no rest till it be otherwise with thee Art thou not asham'd to be call'd one of the Believers one of the holy Brethren in time of Persecution 6. O my Soul Dost thou love Christ Dost thou evidence this Love by keeping his Commandments and by accepting of his Rebukes Is thy Love to Christ a strong and lasting ever-living and continuing Love Dost thou love him in Sincerity Cannot many Waters of Affliction quench this thy Love nor the Floods of Persecution drown it Is thy Love a transcendent Love surpassing all other Love Doth the Love of Father Mother Wife Son Daughter Brother Sister yea and of thy own Life also give place to this Love Doth Christ sit in the Throne of thy Heart and do all these sit below at the Foot-stool Dost thou bear such fervent warm Affections to Christ that thou wouldst be content to part with all rather than part with him Canst thou say with David The Lord is my Portion and whom have I in Heaven but thee and whom on Earth that I desire in comparison of thee The World it may be will be sometimes creeping into thy Affections thou can'st not be quite free from the Love of the World yet dost thou in thy ordinary settled prevailing Judgment and Affections prefer Christ before all things in the World Dost thou make Christ the End of thy Desires the very Reason why thou hearest and prayest Dost thou first seek the Kingdom of Christ and his Righteousness If thou dost not seek it so zealously as thou should'st yet hath it the Chief of thy Desires and Endeavours And is nothing else desired and preferred before it Is thy Valuation of it so high that thou would'st not exchange thy Title to it and Hopes of God's Acceptance for any Worldly Good whatsoever Nay art thou willing to labour and suffer for it and tho' the flesh may sometimes shrink or draw back yet art thou resolved and content to go through all 7. O my Soul Dost thou believe in the Lord Jesus Christ Dost thou find that thou art naturally a lost condemned Creature and dost thou believe that Jesus Christ is the Mediator who hath made a sufficient Satisfaction to the Law and considering that in the Gospel he is offered without Exception to All dost thou heartily consent that he and he alone shall be thy Saviour Art thou content to take him for thy King to govern and guide thee by his Laws and Spirit Art thou willing to obey him even when he commands the hardest Duties and those which most cross the Desires of the Flesh Is it thy Sorrow when thou breakest thy Resolution herein and thy Joy when thou keepest close in Obedience to him And tho' the World and Flesh do sometimes intice and over-reach thee yet is it thy ordinary Desire and Resolution to obey so that thou wouldst not change thy Lord and Master for all the World By these things he adviseth to try and bring our Hearts to answer suffer them not to be silent nor to think of other Matters If any Question be hard through the Darkness of our Hearts yet do not give it over but search the closer and study the case the more exactly and if it be possible let not our Hearts give over till we have resolved the Question and told us off or on in what case we are yea wrestle with thy Heart till thou hast prevailed and say I will not let thee go till thou hast answered He that can prevail with his own Heart shall also be a Prevailer with God When we have discovered the Truth of our State then pass the Sentence accordingly A meer Examination will do us little good if we proceed not to a Judgment Conclude as we find either we are true Believers or we are not either we have
of such after whose Copy they desire to write Thanks be to God they are not a few even in this Age of whose Exemplary Lives there are divers Passages fit to be published And tho' it would be endless to write all their Lives yet now and then to set forth a bright Example may be of singular Advantage Such as knew this or the other Person in particular and were themselves Witnesses of the Truth of several things related will be more apt to be influenced by such an Account than by the like or greater things related of others who have been dead many Years ago or their Lives written by such who never personally were acquainted with them And by such Examples we see that strict and serious Religion is possible and that if your Hearts are set to please God it is not to be despaired of If I can by the following Narrative excite any to value and improve their Time better whereof he was so very choice and careful If I can blow up any Coal of that Divine Fervor and Zeal to God that warm'd his Heart if I can but provoke any to mend their Pace by considering how short they come of what he was and did I shall think I did well to publish it However as the Word of God delivered in the Holy Scriptures and dispensed in the Ministry thereof hath divers and contrary Effects upon different Subjects from which God will raise his own Glory so will it be with this Relation But if the Reader gain no Advantage by the perusing of it he must blame himself for not considering and applying it with sutable Reflections For he may here find the Description of a Real Christian a true Nathaniel an Israelite indeed I am not very solicitous to avow my Integrity as to the Truth of every thing related because besides what I have asserted of him from my own Knowledge all that have lived in his Family and many others of his Acquaintance in this City will readily subscribe to the Truth of the rest Tho' the best Discovery of him is what is transcribed from his own Papers For who can know the inward State and Frame of another Man's Soul but by his own Declaration of it some way or other It must be opened some way or other by himself or it cannot be published and made known to others The inmost Secrets of a Man's Heart towards God cannot be so well known by the strictest Observation of other Men. What I have gathered out of his own Manuscripts is published without altering any thing material in the Expressions unless here and there on Word where the Phrase was dark or subject to Ambiguity If in some things there seems not that Exactness which some Readers would desire it ought to be considered that there are other Readers to whom they may be more sutable who are not to be neglected And as to his manner of expressing himself you must remember he was a plain Citizen and one who had no need of a polish'd Stile or any Advantages to gain it Besides what he wrote was only for the Comfort of his own Soul and if he had any farther Eye for the use of those of his own Family whose Love and Regard to him might imprint deeper on their Minds and Hearts what was done by him tho' with less Accuracy than by another Hand After all I here pretend not to lessen the Honour and Commendation of any other holy Persons lately deceased or of any such yet living For in substance the Character of one will sute the Hearts and Lives of all the rest But all upright Christians do not walk with God in their daily Course as did this holy Man I may call him so tho' I do not say he was perfect For a greater than he Elias was subject to like Passions and Infirmities with us The best Saints on Earth are but imperfectly sanctified their Knowledge is imperfect their Love imperfect their Self-denial imperfect they have Remainders of Corruption and according to the different Temperament of their Bodies Circumstances and Conditions of Life they are subject to many Weaknesses and are sensible of them But the Grace they receive by constant Prayer and Dependance and the Care and Watchfulness they are enabled to use over their Hearts and Words and Senses and against the Occasions of Sin preserves them from any great Transgressions and quickly recovers them from lesser ones I therefore hope I shall not be blamed for not mentioning his Infirmities and Failings because I know not how the Reader 's Benefit and Advantage would be thereby promoted It hath been observed to this purpose that the Vertues the Graces the Perfections of our Brethren set before our View may be proper to nourish our Humility suppress our Pride and invite our Imitation But to divulge their Faults would rather further our Security and advance our Self-conceit And as to this Excellent Person his Watchfulness and Temperance his Devotion and Diligence his Mortification and Zeal for doing good argued a very great Purity of Mind and Heart and his careful Improvement of his Time left little Vacancy for Temptation to fill up No very great Faults be sure could dwell with such strict Examination of himself every Day as he continued to use till within four Days of his Death But that being all written in Short-Hand what might have been from thence added to his Character or transcribed for the Imitation or Instruction of others is wholly lost This in the general will be owned by those who were best acquainted with him that human Infirmities and Imperfections excepted his Life was one even Thread of serious Godliness from Morning to Night from the beginning of the Week and Month and Year to the end in all Relations in all Companies and in all Affairs He was born at Leachlad in Glocestershire and baptized there March the 5th An. 1632. His Father Mr. Henry Gearing was a Shop-keeper or Mercer in that Town and for his extraordinary Prudence and Piety respected honoured and loved by Persons of all Perswasions There are not wanting those now living who can say of the Father's House what several know to be true of the Son 's That it was a Nursery of Religion a little Temple of God and they thank God they were ever cast under that Roof It was the Experience of one whose hoary Head in the way of Righteousness is a Crown of Glory with whom our Mr. Gearing served his Apprenticeship He in his younger Years boarded in his Father's House at Leachlad and reckons the Example of his holy Life to have been a singular Blessing to him in his Youth His pious Father died of a Consumption when this Son was about the Age of Thirteen As did his Unkle Mr. Simon Gearing his Father 's elder Brother about six Years after His Mother Mrs. Ann Gearing was likewise an eminent Christian and died at Ramsberry in Wiltshire January the 8th 1669 and was there buried But to
of it the Devil Thanks be to God who hath given him and assured us of the Victory through our Lord Jesus Christ To him be Glory throughout all the Churches for ever Amen THE Character and Trial OF A REAL CHRISTIAN Now follows out of his own Papers the manner of his examining his Heart and Life State and Frame and the Result thereof recorded and written for his Support in After-Difficulties Some may be excited by it to an Imitation and others find Encouragement by what reliev'd him against his Doubts and Fears and enabled him to persevere even without full Assurance HENRY GEARING THO' I have been under much Hardness and Deadness for many Years yet I thought good for my Encouragement here to record God's Goodness to me sometimes By looking over my Books in which I have wrote down in Short-hand every Night how it was with me in the Day I find that I have sometimes been quickned and affected in Prayer often in Family-Prayer at Night on the Lord's Day Tho' I began very much indisposed yet it pleased God to draw out my Heart in Earnest Desires and I have had some Meltings more than usual At other times in Family-Prayer at Night I have been more than ordinarily affected And sometimes under the Word preach'd Once at the Morning Lecture when I heard a Sermon of buying the Pearl of Price At other times I find I was affected greatly in Family Prayer so as scarce to be able to speak for weeping At another time I have recorded how I was quickened by hearing a Sermon of Mr. Swinnock on that Text He will not break the bruised Reed At several other times have had lively Affections in secret Prayer Often in my Walk to Clapham I have had my Heart drawn out in earnest fervent Desires after God Once repeating on a Lord's Day Evening a Sermon on that Text Behold I stand at the Door and knock and whosoever opens to me I will come in and sup with him I was so affected I could not go on for Tears but was fain to lay down my Book At another time the like in repeating a Sermon of the Redemption of Time At other times I find recorded that on the Lord's Day I went to Family-Prayer very sad but God did greatly assist me and my Soul was melted so that I could not proceed or speak for Tears At other times in Prayer and sometimes in singing of Psalms But for the most part I have been a great Stranger to Joy and Comfort ever since the Days of my Youth These Things I wrote March 18. 1689 being Remarks in general of near Twenty Years past As to what I have written in this little Book it was first in Short-Hand and never intended to be transcribed But afterwards I considered that many things in it might be of use to me by another's reading of it if it should please God to lay his Hand upon me that I could not my self read my Short-Hand And I know not but something in it may be useful to others I hope and pray it may be so unto many if the like serious Spirit accompany every Reader in the Perusal of the following Papers as he had in writing them Beg it of God and then begin to read Anno 1676 March 28. HAving had in my Thoughts sometimes to keep a secret â—ast in my Closet chiefly to search and try the State of my Soul this Day I did it and hope I did set about it in the Integrity of my Heart My chief Design was to examine how the Case stood between God and my Soul whether I had indeed a Work of saving Grace wrought in me And that I might get Corruption that is strong more mortified especially the Sin I most inclined unto and that I might be enabled from God to carry it better in my Christian Course both in my Family and in secret Retirements to the Glory of God After Prayer that God would help me to try my self I went to the Work of Self-Examination by the Characters that Mr. Ambrose hath given and by some Characters my Cousin Calamy laid down and others of Mr. Allen Mr. Nalion and Mr. Swinnock I spent a good deal of time herein and hope I desired to deal impartially with my self and did beg of God heartily that I might make a right Judgment of my self I endeavoured to keep my Heart close to the Work and tho' I could not meet with great Comfort yet upon serious Search I cannot find but that God hath wrought true Grace in me blessed be his Name I hope I may have recourse to this Day while I live for Support in any Case I did also read over the Covenant I entred into with the Lord about nine Years since and renewed my Covenant and gave up my self afresh to the Lord and took him for my God and Portion I hope in the Lord that I was sincere and upright I found some Ease and Quiet in my Mind afterwards O that I may not now grow careless but live answerably and remember I have renewed my Covenant with the Lord and if he hath in any wise spoke Peace to my Soul let me not again return to Folly for the Lord Jesus Christ's sake An. 1676 July 27. Looking over my Book where I enter at Night how it is with me every Day I find I have been out of order many times in Duty since the Trial of my self mentioned here but hope I did desire to have my Heart with God And the Lord was pleased sometimes in Duty to draw out my Soul in earnest and hearty Desires after him My Heart through Mercy hath been sometimes tho' too seldom in a good Frame the Lord have Mercy on me and grant I may be sincere and upright with him He is pleased still as for many Years past to withdraw from me and I do not meet with much Comfort in his Ordinances But I remember what Mr. N. used to say that Grace is better than Comfort God grant that I may make sure of Grace and act and exercise Grace and wait upon him for Comfort It is worth waiting for all the Days of my Life The Lord help me tho' I sit in Darkness and see no Light to trust in the Lord and stay my self on my God The Lord help me to keep up Faith and Hope in him through Christ to wait and trust and hope and believe still against Hope of Sense to believe in Hope of a Promise The Lord make me careful to mind his Glory and doing my Duty in the Place in which he hath set me for I am apt to be troubled lest I should fail of my Duty towards those committed to my Charge The Lord in Mercy grant I may set to his Work with all my Might and get my Work done before my Day of Life be ended and that my Heart may be throughly taken off from this World and I may prepare for publick Calamities which are much feared by reason of the
abounding of all Sin and Wickedness more and more The Lord enable me to do and suffer his Will and let me have his Presence and his Promise made good not to suffer me to be tempted above what he will inable me to bear 1 Cor. 10. 13. and that I may readily let all go for Christ if I am called to it The Lord grant I may be made meet to be Partaker of the Inheritance of the Saints in Light and get my Evidences for Heaven ready which through the Assistance and Help of God I desire to go about The Lord grant I may not be deceived but may gather such Evidences as will hold out and bear me up in the midst of Troubles and Trials yea in the Hour of Death and the Day of Judgment The Lord in infinite Mercy sanctifie to me the Death of others God hath of late taken away many of my Neighbours Acquaintance Friends and Relations Ministers as well as others a little while since Mr. Pledger and Mr. Wells in one Day O that all may be sanctified and especially the Death of my Wife that I may yet make such use of that Providence as the Lord would expect and be ready and prepared for my own Departure hence whensoever it shall please my dear God and Father to call me home Being now about to enter here what I have to shew for a Work of Grace in my Heart and a Right and Title to Heaven I desire of the Lord to help me in this great Affair that I may not be deceived but that what I here enter may be the true State of my Soul and that which will hold out and yield me Comfort in an Hour of Distress It hath been in my Thoughts several times to enquire what I had to shew for my Hope of Heaven that which ran most in my Mind was Faith and Repentance which upon diligent Search of my Heart I hope I have First For Faith If I have true Faith I shall certainly be saved so saith the holy Scriptures He that believes shall be saved Joh. 3. 16. For God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoeever believeth in him should not perish but have Everlasting Life Now Faith in Christ is described in the Assemblies Catechism to be a saving Grace whereby we receive and rest upon Christ alone for Salvation as he is offered to us in the Gospel which I hope I desire to do I hope I do most heartily desire to take Christ on his own Terms as King Priest and Prophet in all his Offices and am willing to be ruled by him as well as saved by him I hope I desire to rest upon Jesus Christ alone for Salvation and own no other Saviour but him I hope I have the Faith of Reliance to rest and center in Christ I hope I can with all my Soul throw my self upon the Mercy of God in Christ and if I perish to perish there trusting in him that I shall not perish Blessed be God! I am often lifting up my Heart to Christ O my dear Jesus Blessed Jesus on thee on thee alone I rest when I am in Fears and Doubts and Troubles I hope I desire to say with the Church In the Lord have I Righteousness and Strength Righteousness for Justification and Strength for Sanctification and the subduing of Sin I hope I desire to renounce any Trust in my own Righteousness and Duties and wholly to rely and rest upon Jesus Christ When I have performed any Duty I desire to own that I deserve Hell for the sinful Imperfections of it yea for the best Duty I can perform And to have my Trust only in the Death and Merits Satisfaction and Intercession of Christ Tho' Spiritual Pride is very apt to rise in me yet I hope I do not allow it the Lord set my Heart more against it I hope I desire with the Apostle Phil. 3. 9. to be found in him not having my own Righteousness which is of the Law but that which is through the Faith of Christ the Righteousness which is of God by Faith I hope Christ is precious to me now that is an Evidence of Faith 1 Pet. 2. 7. To you that believe he is precious I hope I desire to prize Christ above all the World and if I know my Heart I would not part with the Hopes I have by Christ of Heaven for ten thousand Worlds I hope I desire to prize Jesus Christ as the Chiefest of ten thousand altogether lovely The Lord make me upright in this Matter that I may see the Worth and Excellency that is in him so as to be in love with him Secondly For Repentance If I have that Grace I am sure to be saved Acts 3. 19. Repent ye therefore and be converted that your Sins may be blotted out when the Times of refreshing shall come from the Presence of the Lord. Luke 13. 3. Except ye repent ye shall all likewise perish therefore if we do repent we shall not perish Now Repentance is described to be a saving Grace whereby a Sinner out of the true sense of his Sin and apprehension of the Mercy of God in Christ doth with grief and hatred of his Sin turn from it unto God with full purpose of and endeavours after new Obedience I hope the Lord hath wrought this Repentance in me I hope he hath given me a true Sight and Sense of Sin and that I am convinced of the Evil and Danger of it I hope I have an apprehension also of the Mercy of God in Christ I do not at all doubt but there is Mercy enough in God through Christ to forgive and pardon the greatest Sins if they are repented of The Lord hath declared himself to be the Lord God gracious and merciful pardoning Iniquity Transgression and Sin Exod 34. 6. I hope I desire to be truly sorry for all my Sins to grieve and mourn for them tho' my Heart be hard yet I hope I could be glad if it were broken that I could mourn more for my Sins Surely it hath been a Trouble to me many times in Confession of Sin that I could not mourn and weep and was not affected as I desired I hope I desire to hate Sin also the Lord work a true Hatred of all Sin more and more in me I hope I desire to turn from all Sin unto God with full purpose of Heart to cleave to him I hope the Bent of my Soul is right for God tho' I have many Failings and Miscarriages I hope the full Purpose and Resolution of my Heart is for God and his Ways It being upon my Mind what I had further to note that might be an Evidence of Grace I hope these things following which it pleased God to bring to my Thoughts may be some ground to believe God hath wrought savingly upon me Surely I do confess my Sins often to the Lord in secret and desire to have my Heart penitently affected with them and
hope I desire to forsake all my Sins Now the Scripture saith 1 Joh. 1. 9. If we confess our Sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our Sins and to cleanse us from all Unrighteousnes And Prov. 28. 13. Whoso confesseth and forsaketh his Sins shall have Mercy I hope I do not allow my self in any Sin but desire Power against it as well as Pardon of it yea the Sin I am most inclined to tho' my Heart is often apt to go out after it the Lord forgive it Yet I hope it is my earnest Desire that I may have Strength against it The Lord help me to say with David Psal 18. 23. I was upright before him and kept my self from mine Iniquity I hope I desire from my Soul to mourn for Heart-Sins as Hardness and Deadness and Wandrings and Distractions in Duty c. I hope this is a good Sign that I am if my Heart deceives me not really troubled for secret Sins which the World knows nothing of and that I do not allow sinful Thoughts I hope I desire to mourn for the Sins of the Land and to lay to Heart the great Dishonours done to God by others I hope there is a Change wrought in me and that I am a new Creature 2 Cor. 5. 17. If I am a new Creature then I am in Christ I hope so because there are such strivings and fightings in me against Sin such strugglings between the Flesh and the Spirit There is certainly a resisting of Sin if my Heart do not wonderfully deceive me Now Mr. N. used to say It is true Grace to resist Sin it is strong Grace to conquer Sin I consider how it was with Paul Rom. 7. he saith there was a Law in his Members warrings against the Law of his Mind and the Evil that he would not do that he did Methinks it is so with me sometimes I hope this striving and struggling is a Sign I am not dead in Sins and Trespasses for a dead Man strives not moves not I beg of God often and heartily that I may be sincere and upright and hope I have from my Heart many times pray'd with David that God would search me and try me in Mercy and find out if there be any way of Wickedness in me if there be any Sin that lies hid in my Soul and have been glad when Ministers have come to Examination that so I might try my self especially in my younger Years when I heard Mr. N. and used to try my self by Characters that he laid down and have then found Comfort and great Hopes of a Work of Grace wrought in me and wondered how those that heard that Soul-awakening Minister could bear it if they did not find God had been at work in their Souls I do remember when I was young what Delight I took in hearing that good Man and have been as it were in a Corner of Heaven I have often had my Heart quickned warmed and much drawn out to God Now tho' to my Shame I may write it I have abated much in my Zeal and Love to God and his Ways since I have had more to do with the World and a Family to provide for yet I desire to remember the Days of old the Years of the Right Hand of the most High and hope I may take Comfort from the Experience I have had formerly remembering where Grace is once wrought it shall never be extinguished whom Christ loves once he loves to the end and that God never repents that he gives Grace to any I hope tho' by my Sins I have caused the Lord much to depart from me for many Years that I do not meet with such Quickning and Comfort in Duties as formerly yet that I do not content my self in this Condition but desire to have my Soul follow hard after God to lament after him and do I hope prize a Smile from him and the Light of his Countenance above the whole World and do often pray with David Psal 4. When others say Who will shew us any good that God would lift up the light of his Countenance upon me And I desire with the Spouse to seek him whom I hope I may say at least my Soul desires to love I hope it is a good Sign that I have frequent Thoughts of God and do often lift up my Heart to him as when I lie down at Night and awake in the Morning I desire my first and last Thoughts may be with God I hope I may say with David I desire to set the Lord always before me Psal 16. 8. I hope I am desirous and willing to yield Obedience to all the Commandments of God and not to pick and chuse I hope I would not allow my self in the Omission of any Duty Now Christ saith Ye are my Disciples if ye do whatsoever I command you Joh. 15. 14. I hope I have from my Heart prayed many times that God would make known to me how I should walk to please him I hope I desire patiently to continue in well-doing and to wait upon God tho' I do not meet with him Now there is a Promise of Blessedness to them that wait for him Isa 30. 18. and the Promise is Rom. 2. 7. To them who by patient continuance in well-doing seek for Glory and Honour and Immortality that God would give Eternal Life I hope I desire my Will may be according to God's Will and would do better than I do Now if I am but really willing tho' I have many Failings and fall infinitely short yet it is said 2 Cor. 8. 12. Where there is a willing Mind it is accepted according to what a Man hath and not according to what he hath not And our Saviour speaks graciously to his Disciples when he found them asleep Mat. 26. 41. The Spirit truly is willing but the Flesh is weak I hope I desire to be merciful to them who are in Misery and have sometimes been glad of an Opportunity tho' the Lord forgive too backward at other times Now our Lord saith Blessed are the Merciful for they shall obtain Mercy Mat. 5. 7. I hope I desire to cleanse my self from all Filthiness of Flesh and Spirit to have my Heart purified Now it is said Blessed are the pure in Heart for they shall see God Mat. 5. 8. I hope I have counted the Cost what it may cost me to be a Christian indeed and am fully resolved in the Strength of Christ to let all go for him It is my Desire and earnest Prayer I hope from my very Heart that if God call me to it I may be enabled to lay down my Life for his sake Now Christ saith He that forsakes Houses or Brethren or Sisters or Father or Mother or Wife or Children or Lands for his Name 's sake shall receive an hundred-fold and inherit Everlasting Life Mat. 19. 29. and he that loseth his Life shall find it I hope I desire if I am called to it to
bear the Cross as well as receive the Crown Now it is said If we suffer with him we shall also reign with him 2 Tim. 2. 12. These things it pleased God to bring to my Mind as some ground of Hope that my State is good I enter'd these things here Aug. 11. 1676. Now my Intention is if it please God to make use of other Helps and search my Heart by them and enter them down here that I may have resort to them in a time of need anâ— the Lord help me further in this great Work of Self-Examination that I may not be deceived for the Lord Jesus Christ's sake Having endeavoured to search my Heart throughly after earnest Prayer to God I hope I find the Evidences of Grace in me that Mr. Allen hath laid down which are these 1. Where there is true Grace there is a hearty Willingness to part with every Sin Where ever there is this Breach made between Sin and the Soul it is Grace that hath made it When Sin hath lost the Will it hath lost the Man when Christ hath gained the Will he hath gained the Man Give me thy Heart is the same as Be willing to be mine Reason saith I ought to turn Conscience saith I must turn and yet nothing may follow But when the Heart saith I will turn to God then the Work is done Reason saith These Idols ought not to stand Conscience saith These Lusts must be subdued But when the Will saith to them Get you hence there is a Work of Grace begun This Willingness discovers it self to be prevailing First When a man is truly willing to part with Sin there will be Resolutions against it he takes part with God against Sin and uses all Means for the conquering of it Secondly This Resolution will bring forth Resistance An Heart weary of Sin will fall to striving against Sin Gal. 5. 17. The Flesh lusteth against the Spirit and the Spirit against the Flesh those two are contrary one to the other 2. Where ever there is true Grace there is a preferring in the Esteem and Choice of a strict and sincere Godly Life above any other Life in the World Tho' the foolish World runs a madding after Money and Pleasure spend their Days waste their Lives prostitute their Consciences throw away their Souls upon these things yet one Drachm of Godliness one Day spent in the Fear of the Lord is better than all this Psal 4. 6. There be many that say Who will shew us any good But Lord lift thou up the Light of thy Countenance on me saith a gracious Soul Thou hast put Gladness in my Heart more than in the time when their Corn and Wine increased Psal 17. 14 15. The Men of the World have their Portion in this Life their Bellies thou fillest with thy hid Treasure they are full of Children and leave the rest of their Substance to their Babes But as for me I will behold thy Face in Righteousness I shall be satisfied when I awake in thy Likeness The Men of this World as they seek so they have their Portion in this Life They have a gallant time of it here great Portions great Prosperity enough to spend on themselves and leave to their Children after them this they have and much good may it do them let me but behold the Face of God in Righteousness walk before the Lord in my Integrity keep a good Conscience live in the Obedience of his Will and in the Light of his Countenance and then let them take the Corn and Wine and what else they can get Let the Lord be mine and I shall never envy them their Portion Psal 119. 30. I have chosen the way of Truth V. 111. Thy Testimonies have I taken as my Heritage for ever Observe 1. That a Godly Man's settled Judgment is That a Godly Life is the best and happiest Life 2. That a Godly Man's Choice is according to his Judgment He esteems the Fear of the Lord above Gold and he chooses it before Gold He is better pleased and doth rather take up with the meanest and most afflicted Condition in a way of Holiness than with the most plentiful and prosperous Estate in a way of Sin He prefers the Poverty of Christ before the Riches of the World 3. Godly Men and Worldly Men may be known one from the other by the Choice they make for themselves he that makes a Worldly Choice is a Worldly Man and he that makes a Godly Choice is a Godly Man 3. Whosoever hath true Grace doth actually live a Godly Life The Tree is best known by its Fruit the Sincerity of our Purposes by our Performances He that doth Righteousness is righteous 1 Joh. 3. 7. A Godly Man makes Godliness the Business of his Life Religion is a Christian's Trade A Man's Trade is his constant Work and not the Exercise of now and then a Day or two Godliness is a Christian 's daily Walk Do not inquire only about your Affections what your Desires are or what your Joys are what your Comforts are or what your Peace is but what your Paths are When all comes to all this is the surest Mark He that hath Righteousness is righteous he that doth not Righteousness is not of God Mr. Sheppard in his Sincere Convert lays down three Marks wherein a Child of God goes beyond a Hypocrite and I having examined my Heart hope I find them in me 1. No Hypocrite or Unregenerate Man tho' he goes never so far let him do never so much but he lives in one Sin or other secret or open little or great Now I hope in the Lord I do not live in any Sin 2. No Hypocrite no Unregenerate Man ever came to be poor in Spirit and to be carried off from all Duties unto Christ in regard of Dependance and Trust If it were possible for them to forsake and break loose for ever from all Sin yet here they stick They seek to save themselves by their Duties without Christ Now if my Heart doth not very much deceive me I desire to renounce all Things and rest only on Christ 3. If any Unregenerate Man come unto Christ he never takes up his Rest in Christ only but he would have Christ and the World too is not content with Christ alone But I hope I desire to be content with Christ alone and to say as the Martyr None but Christ None but Christ Mr. D. in his Book of the Lord's Supper to prove that one hath a Principle of Spiritual Life and is not dead in Trespasses and Sins writes thus Canst thou groan and cry to the Lord for an Interest in Christ and will nothing quiet and still thee but Jesus Christ Then surely thou dost live all the Creatures cannot quiet thee till thou hast Hopes that Christ is formed in thee Surely I find this Sign of Spiritual Life in me Again Dost thou grow It may be thou canst not say thou hast more Grace but
this thou findest thou hast more Desires after Grace that is more Grace Art thou not only thankful for a little Grace but art reaching after more Dost thou grow more weary of thy Sin and more earnest after Christ I hope in the Lord it is thus with me that I am more weary of Sin and desire more Grace Now Growth is a Sign of Life Again Put this Question to thy self Do I hunger and thirst after Christ This is an Evidence of Spiritual Life Dead Men do not hunger and thirst after Christ Now I hope in the Lord I do hunger and thirst after Christ and nothing but himself will content me Again Ask thy Soul Do I love God and Christ or do I not These Marks he gives of Love to Christ Lord I love thee for I am grieved at thy Absence and am rejoiced at thy Presence Lord I love thee for I love those that are like Thee O my Lord I love thee for I love the Place and Duties where thou art wont to meet thy People and warm their Hearts but if thou art not there I cannot take up contentedly with them Lord I humbly say I love thee for I dare not deny but I am grieved when thou art dishonoured by my self or others tho' I grieve for this less than I should because I love thee less than I ought Lord I love thee for I desire to have an Heart that should be willing to part with all for thee things sinful in themselves at all times and things lawful when thou callest me to it Once more I humbly say I love thee for I would have an Heart to love and long and look for thy Coming and Appearance in Glory Mr. Ambrose directing to try our Title to Heaven adviseth First To write down the Scripture-Marks or Grace or Glory and mentions these several Scriptures following 1 Joh. 2. 3. Hereby we know that we know him if we keep his Commandments 2 Cor. 1. 12. For our rejoicing is this the Testimony of our Conscience that in Godly Simplicity and Sincerity we have had our Conversation in the World 1 Joh. 3. 9 10. Whosoever is born of God sinneth not because his Seed abideth in him neither can he sin because he is born of God In this the Children of God are manifest c. 1 Joh. 4. 13. Hereby we know that we dwell in him and he in us because he hath given us of his Spirit 1 Joh. 3. 14. We know that we have passed from Death to Life because we love the Brethren James 1. 12. There is a Crown of Life the Lord hath promised to them that love him But above all observe these Texts following as containing the special Gospel-Conditions to which we find so often annexed the Promise of Justification and Glorification Joh. 3. 16. God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have Everlasting Life Joh. 5. 24. He that believeth hath Everlasting Life and shall not come into Condemnation but is passed from Death unto Life Joh. 6. 40. And this is the Will of him that sent me that every one that seeth the Son and believeth in him may have Everlasting Life Joh. 20. 31. These things are written that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ the Son of God and that believing ye might have Life through his Name Acts 16. 31. Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be saved Rom. 10. 9 10. If thou shalt confess with thy Mouth the Lord Jesus and shalt believe in thy Heart that God hath raised him from the dead thou shalt be saved Heb. 10. 39. We are not of them who draw back unto Perdition but of them that believe to the saving of the Soul 1 Joh. 5. 13. These things have I written unto you that believe in the Name of the Son of God that ye may know that ye have Eternal Life From the first Text we gather the Scripture mark of universal Obedience from the second Sincerity from the third Opposition against and Abstinence from Sin from the fourth Spiritual Performance of holy Duties from the fifth a Love of the Brethren from the sixth a Love of Christ from all the rest Faith in Christ the Root and Spring of all other Graces and necessary Conditions of Pardon and Eternal Life Proceed we now to put the Question to our selves but be sure to state it aright Let it not be Whether there be any Good in us at all For so we shall err on the one hand nor yet Whether we have such and such a degree and measure of Grace For so we shall err on the other hand But Whether according to the fore-mentioned Scriptures such and such a saving Grace be in us or not Now I having begged of God his Help to try the State of my Soul by what follows this 17th of August 1676. and I do hope I find the true Marks of saving Grace in my Soul and desire here to enter them down that I may have recourse to it in time of need and the Lord grant I be sincere 1. O my Soul hast thou respect to and dost observe all God's Commandments Dost thou keep the Law in Truth and Sincerity tho' not in gradual Perfection Dost thou know God in part and love God truly by a sincere Obedience Dost thou keep the Commandments in an Evangelical Sense And wherein thou failest dost thou acknowledge thy Failings and rely upon Christ for Pardon Is thy universal Obedience internal and spiritual as well as external Is thy Delight in the Law of God after the Inward Man Is thy Obedience to the Duties of both Tables Dost thou make Conscience of particular Duties in every Relation 2. O my Soul hast thou Sincerity and Uprightness of Heart Is there a powerful Change of the whole Man by the Grace of God Dost thou do what is good upon this account because God commands it not because it will agree with thy Ends and Advantage but because God hath required it Art thou diligent and conscientious in secret Duties to perform them and in Spiritual or Heart Sins and secret Lusts to avoid them Dost thou serve God in Spirit Dost thou eye God whether in private or publick Dost thou set thy self zealously against those Sins thou art most inclined unto Dost thou hate Sin most in thy self and in those that are nearest unto thee Hast thou respect to all God's Commandments but yet to the Duties of the first Table before the second to the Commands of greater Duties before those of lesser Duties Or if in all these Particulars thou findest not such an Uprightness as hath no Deceit or Falshood or carnal Respects at all joined with it for as all other Graces are but in part so are we sincere and upright but in part art thou humbled under thy Hypocrisie and spiritual Guile And dost thou trust only to Christ And dost thou cry as David did for Truth in the
to be for ever with him hereafter January the 30th 1682. I spent this Day in a Secret Fast in my Closet the main End I proposed to my self was to search again my Heart to find out whether there was a Work of Grace wrought in me or no also that I might get Corruption more subdued that is yet strong in me and that I may be inabled to suffer for Christ if I am called to it c. I hope I desired to be hearty in the Work tho' Hardness and Deadness was too much upon me The Lord forgive I hope I may say to the Glory of God that he hath begun that good Work in me that he will perfect of the Day of Christ I did earnestly beg of the Lord that I might not be deceived and hope I am not I trust the Lord hath pluck'd me out of a Natural Estate and turned my Heart from Sin unto himself The Lord grant I may now live answerable to the great things he hath done for me and keep the Covenant I have this Day renewed January the 30th 1684. I kept as a Fast and spent a good part of the Morning in Secret Prayer After Family Duty I went to hear a Sermon and then back to my Closet where I spent the rest of the Day The Ends I proposed to my self were That God would help me against Worldliness and distrust of his Providence for I have been much troubled of late by reason of many Losses and Trade being fallen almost to nothing and quiet my Mind and enable me to trust him and withal direct me how to proceed as to Earthly Things having some Thoughts of leaving this House And I desired also to be fitted for the Lord's Supper and that I might have Strength to suffer whatever God should call me to And in reference to the Publick I desired to seek God for Mercy to his Church and to these Nations I began with reading some Portion of God's Word then examined my self of the State of my Soul by some Characters of Grace in this Book I hope I desired heartily the Help of God and earnestly begg'd I might give a right Judgment of my self and was affraid of doing otherwise I hope I may say to God's Glory Surely there is somewhat of a Work of Grace that he hath graciously wrought in my Soul and that I am not dead in Trespasses and Sins Blessed O blessed be his Name I am not affected as I ought but am apt to fear still knowing my Heart is deceitful The Lord help me to be much in this trying Work for I cannot make too sure of my Salvation The Lord remove Doubts and Fears and strengthen my Faith in him and in his Promises After Self-examination I spent the rest of my Time in Prayer and hope I was hearty therein The Lord hear my poor Prayers for my self for my Children and for the Publick I also read over my Covenant entred into with the Lord many Years since and I renewed Covenant with God The Lord help me to live answerably and that Sin may be more subdued and Grace strengthened that I may find the Benefit of this Day while I live and be fitted for the everlasting Enjoyment of God in Glory February the 6th 1685. I kept a Fast by my self The main thing I had upon my Heart was the low Estate of the Church and of these Nations as also to search into the State of my Soul to get my Heart more taken off the World to have Corruption mortified and be enabled to suffer for Christ if called to it and never to forsake him I bless God I had his Assistance and hope I was hearty in the Work and that upon Trial I may say God hath begun a good Work which he will carry on and perfect to the Day of Jesus Christ O that I might make more sure of Christ and Grace and Heaven especially when I can make sure of nothing below but am at such Uncertainties as to all outward things The Lord help me to live in some measure answerable to his great Mercies and to keep the Covenant with him that I have this Day renewed Things whereby a Man may examine and judge of himself 1. If you would be saved you must by deep and serious Repentance forsake the World and Sin and turn to God in Christ and firmly believe in him 2. You must resign and devote your self to be the Lord's 3. You must take the Favour of God for your Happiness 4. You must be diligent in the Use of all holy Means and Duties 5. You must study the Scriptures to know God's Mind and do it 6. The whole Course of your Lives will be set to please and honour God Now examine whether you are like to be saved How is it O my Soul as to these things Do I go in the broad Way or not Let not the Devil keep you from this Self-Examination if he can prevail for that you may make a great Profession and do many things and yet perish for ever Judge of thy self by these things and seriously enquire 1. Whether Eternal Salvation have the Preheminence of your Esteem and Choice that you prefer it before all Wordly Prosperity 2. Is the obtaining of this Salvation and preparing for it the great Business of your Lives 3. Under the Sense of Sin do you give up your selves to Christ as the only Physician of Souls to heal and help and save you 4. Is it the sincere Desire of your Souls that you may be saved from Sin as well as Hell From the Power and Practice of Sin as well as from the Wrath of God 5. What is the Matter of thy Comfort Is it to converse with God To look up to him with Hope of his Acceptance Doth the Light of God's Countenance give thee more Joy than the Increase of Riches Canst thou say from thy Heart thou hadst rather be poor and despised and miserable in this World with God's Favour than to be the greatest Person in the World and God to be thine Enemy Examine by such Things as these O let me be in earnest for Christ and Grace and never rest till it be put out of Doubt that God in Christ is my God and that he hath made an everlasting Covenant with me If this be not I am undone for ever But this I must obtain or my Soul shall be in Bitterness before the Lord while I have a Being Nothing shall comfort me while I am Graceless and without Christ I am resolved for Him his Grace and Favour against all Denials If God will not let me see the Good of his Chosen and reveal his Christ and Grace in me I will mourn I will mourn while I live If God will not comfort me nothing else shall If I may not find Rest and Peace in Christ I will have none at all If God will take no Pleasure in me I will take none in my self My Tears shall be my Meat continually I
will go mourning in this World while I have a Day to live till Christ shall please to cast an Eye of Grace and Mercy on me Nay let it come to this I cannot live if God be not reconciled If Christ be not mine my Spirit fails If the Lord do not relieve me there is nothing No abiding for me unless he speak a Word of Peace When the Soul is brought to this I must have an Interest in Christ or nothing will satisfie me such an one shall find Acceptance Therefore be in good earnest and let the Desires of the Soul rise up to an holy Restlesness O wretched Negligence that we can let the greatest Concerns of our Souls lie at Hazard all our Days Ten Questions to ask our Hearts Thus Mr. Steel advis'd we should often commune with our Hearts I. What have I been if now I am changed I was a wretched Sinner II. What Good have I done that God may have the Glory and I the Comfort III. How have I done it IV. What have I neglected The slothful Servant is condemn'd who had Talents but did no good with them What Duties have I neglected and how many Opportunities of doing good omitted V. What State am I in Am I in a gracious or sinful State in Christ or in my Sins If I am in Christ he rules if in Sin that reigns VI. What Frame am I in Am I in a gracious or worldly Frame of Heart VII What do I Am I in my Calling and in the way of my Duty Am I now doing the Will of God VIII Whither am I going Towards Heaven or Hell Every Moment I take a Step to one of them IX How far am I on my Way to Heaven X. What shall I do to be saved Salvation is to be had how shall I attain it His Covenant with God O Most Dreadful God! for the Passion of thy Son I beseech Thee accept of thy poor Prodigal now prostrating himself at thy Door I have fallen from Thee by mine Iniquiry and am by Nature a Son of Death 〈◊〉 a thousand-fold more the Child of Hell by 〈◊〉 wicked Practice but of thine Infinite Grace Thou hast promised Mercy to me in Christ if I will but turn to thee with all my Heart Therefore upon the Call of thy Gospel I am now come in and throwing down my Weapons submit my self to thy Mercy And because thou requirest as the Condition of my Peace with thee that I should put away mine Idols and be at Defiance with all thine Enemies which I acknowledge I have wickedly sided with against thee I here from the bottom of my Heart renounce them all firmly Covenanting with thee Not to allow my self in any known Sin but to use conscientiously all the Means that I know thou hast prescribed for the Death and utter Destruction of all my Corruptions And whereas I have formerly inordinately and idolatrously let out my Affections upon the World I do here resign my Heart to thee that mad'st it humbly protesting before thy Glorious Majesty That it is the firm Resolution of my Heart and that I do unfeignedly desire Grace from thee that when thou shalt call me hereunto I may practise this my Resolution through thy Assistance to forsake all that is dear unto me in this World rather than to turn from thee to the Ways of Sin and that I will watch against all its Temptations whether of Prosperity or Adversity lest they should withdraw my Heart from thee beseeching thee also to help me against the Temptations of Satan to whose wicked Suggestions I resolve by thy Grace never to yield my self a Servant And because my own Righteousness is but menstruous Rags I renounce all Confidence therein and acknowlege that I am of my self a hopeless helpless undone Creature without Righteousness or Strength And for as much as thou hast of thy bottomless Mercy offered most graciously to me wretched Sinner to be again my God through Christ if I would accept of thee I call Heaven and Earth to record this Day that I do here solemnly avouch thee for the Lord my God and with all possible Veneration bowing the Neck of my Soul under the Feet of thy most Sacred Majesty I do here take Thee the Lord Jehovah Father Son and Holy Ghost for my Portion and Chief Good and do give up my self Body and Soul for thy Servant promising and vowing to serve thee in Holiness and Righteousness all the Days of my Life And since thou hast appointed the Lord Jesus Christ the only Means of coming unto thee I do here upon the bended Knees of my Soul accept of him as the only new and living Way by which Sinners may have Access to thee and do here solemnly join my self in a Marriage-Covenant to him O blessed Jesus I come to thee hungry and hardly bestead poor and wretched and miserable and blind and naked a most loathsome polluted Wretch a guilty condemned Malefactor unworthy for ever to wash the Feet of the Servants of my Lord much more to be solemnly married to the King of Glory But sith such is thine unparallel'd Love I do here with all my Power accept thee and do take thee for my Head and Husband for better for worse for richer for poorer for all Times and Conditions to love and honour and obey thee before all others and this to the Death I embrace thee in all thine Offices I renounce my own Worthiness and do here avow thee for the Lord my Righteousness I renounce mine own Wisdom and do here take thee for my only Guide I renounce my own Will and take thy Will for my Law And since thou hast told me that I must suffer if I will reign I do here Covenant with thee to take my Lot as it falls with thee and by thy Grace assisting to run all Hazards with thee verily purposing that neither Life nor Death shall part between thee and me And because thou hast been pleased to give me thy holy Laws as the Rule of my Life and the Way in which I should walk to thy Kingdom I do here willingly put my Neck under thy Yoke and set my Shoulder to thy Burden and subscribing to all thy Laws as holy just and good I solemnly take them as the Rule of my Words Thoughts and Actions promising that tho' my Flesh contradict and rebel yet I will endeavour to order and govern my whole Life according to thy Direction and will not allow my self in the Neglect of any thing that I know to be my Duty Only because through the Frailty of my Flesh I am subject to many Failings I am bold humbly to protest that unallowed Miscarriages contrary to the settled Bent and Resolution of my Heart shall not make void this Covenant for so thou hast said Now Almighty God Searcher of all Hearts thou knowest that I make this Covenant with thee this Day without any known Guile or Reservation beseeching thee That if thou espiest any Flaw
or Falshood therein thou wouldst discover it to me and help me to do it aright And now Glory be to thee O God the Father whom I shall be bold from this Day forward to look upon as my God and Father that ever thou shouldst find out such a Way for the Recovery of undone Sinners Glory be to thee O God the Son who hast loved me and washed me from my Sins in thy own Blood and art now become my Saviour and Redeemer Glory be to thee O God the Holy Ghost who by the Finger of thine Almighty Power hast turned about my Heart from Sin to God O Dreadful Jehovah the Lord God Omnipotent Father Son and Holy Ghost thou art now become my Covenant-Friend and I through thine Infinite Grace am become thy Covenant-Servant Amen So be it And the Covenant which I have made on Earth let it be ratified in Heaven April 11. 1667. HENRY GEARING A Pathetical Meditation on the Passion of Christ taken out of Mr. Wadsworth's Remains 8vo abridged and transcribed for his own Vse upon Sacramental Occasions A Way all trifling Worldly Business I must go see my bleeding Lord Come now my Soul look yonder thou wilt soon arrive at bloody Golgotha where thou shalt see thy bleeding dying Saviour to sigh and linger out a dying Life on the Cross in Love for thee This this might O my Soul have been thy Day in which thou might'st have drunk the bitter Cup of the fierce Anger of God! But look yonder there he goes that must drink up the Dregs and all for thee But come my Soul draw up a little nearer stand here and thou wilt see him passing Look there he goes with a Train of Virgins following But see how cruelly these barbarous Jews do use him they make him bear his Cross himself See how they laugh and scoff and wag their Heads as if he were their May-game Look see my Soul come tell me what thou seest O I cannot Sorrow ties my Tongue I cannot speak I see a Troop of Virgins following him their weeping Eyes their blubbering Lips their Sighs and Throbbings speak them Mourners I see my Lord looks towards them and kindly 〈◊〉 their loving Sorrow Weep not for me Ah could they do less than weep to see thine innocent Self among a Herd of Tygers But whither O whither O ye blinded Jews are ye dragging this my Lord My Spirit begins to faint I now can look no longer my Heart now begins to swell with Grief it must now break or I must vent it at my Eyes in Streams Look see the Hammer and Nails the Hammer lift up to strike Bloody Man thou durst not strike sure Surely thou dost not know whose Hands and Feet thou art now piercing it is the Prince and Saviour of the World But look see it is done The Nails are driven to the Head see how the Blood runs trickling down his Hands and Feet and see how hardned Hearts are laughing at it O silly foolish blinded Men what laugh yet See this very Christ you now mock shall be your Judge But come again look and see my Soul what is become of thy nailed and crucified Lord Ah me he is not quite dead look how he gasps and pants for Life O how pale and wan do I see his Cheeks methinks he should be dead for see how weak his Neck is grown that it is not able to support his Head that lies a dying on his bleeding Breast What yet not dead See how he shakes and stirs his dying Limbs What Gasps and Groans do I hear him fetch Hark hark he speaks O let me catch the last Breath of my dying Saviour What saith my Lord What My God my God why hast thou forsaken me He hath been all this while a drinking up the Cup his Father gave him the bitter sowr Cup of his Father's Wrath which I and all the World had else drank But must he endure all this Must he be crowned with Thorns and sweat and bleed and die and all for me This I stand amazed at But there was Necessity for all this either he must be thus dealt with or else my Sins could not be pardoned He must drink up this bitter Cup with all its Dregs or else I must have drunk it up my self It was I that sinned and must have suffered This cursed proud and earthly Heart of mine rebelled and broke the Laws and should have suffered and born the Punishment Had not he stept in and born the Stroak off from me I had been now burning in everlasting Flames and been lingring out this Time in Torments which I am now spending in the sweet Thoughts of my Escape Hath not the Prophet said all this in Isa 53. these Wounds Stripes Bruises he bore for thee O amazing Love and Grace the Son of God loved me better than his Life Was ever Love like to his Love He was a Stranger to me Why did he not let me die But he loved me I was a polluted Sinner methinks he should have loathed me but he did wash me and make me clean again But why did he love an Enemy Or how could he do it I know not why O inexpressible Love O Love past Thoughts He Loves because he will love What ails my Heart I cannot find it stir What! dead under the reviving Thoughts of thy dearest Redeemer Arise shake up thy self and look about thee thou dost not sure see thy Mercy Come away O come away lift up thy drowsie Head I will make thee look and love and e'er I leave thee confess thou lovest him Suppose now for thy Sins the Vengeance of God was just seizing upon thee turning thee into Hell and Christ comes and reveals himself to thee Sinner I love thee I say thou shalt not die Come feel my Heart how it beats towards thee Dost thou not see I have left my Throne and am come down to the Bar where thou standest condemned But why dost thou weep Come let me wipe thine Eyes and bind up thy bleeding and despairing Heart I tell thee thou shalt not die If Heaven will have Blood it shall have mine so it will but spare thine Now the Soul hath not a Word to speak against this Love Thy Son O God hath offered Satisfaction and thou hast accepted it Thou O my Saviour hast laid down thy Life for mine and thy Father and my Father is well pleased with it Blood is paid Justice is satisfied Heaven's Doors are widened thine Arms opened to receive me nothing is wanting but my Heart make it such as thou wilt have it and then take it to thy self Come my Soul the Father thou seest is willing and the Son is willing give but thy Consent and he is thine for ever Fear not thy Hardness Deadness Blindness Loathsomness all these cannot hinder if thou be but willing What stickest thou at What do'st ail Half of this ado would fetch a Heart for the World a little Mire and Dirt and is not
tho' a Man had the Guilt of as many Sins lying on his Soul as there be drops of Water in the Ocean and if they were of as long Continuance as from the Creation of the World and aggravated with as hainous Circumstances as any of the vilest Sinners in Hell yet there is Merit enough in the Blood of Christ to take away the Guilt of all those Sins and when that is done Merit enough left to purchase as great a Glory as any Saint in Heaven enjoys But let none thereupon presume to go on in Sin for there is not a Word of Comfort in the whole Bible for such an one He that is affraid of too much Grace hath none at all He who is unwilling to be made better is not yet good In the most afflicted Condition of a Saint he hath more reason to question his own Love to God than God's Love to him God takes as much Care of every one of his Children as if he had but one to care for Our Times are in the Hand of God If they were in our Enemies Hands our Afflictions and Trials would be too long if in our own too short But because in the Hand of God Deliverance shall be seasonable and in due time Had we ten thousand Lives and Estates to lose and lay down for Christ one Hour's Communion with him in Glory will recompence for all our Self-denial whatever we have done or suffered That Man lives unlawfully who doth not sometimes abstain from lawful things Make it thy Business to act Grace and then trust God to bring in Comfort God is yours if you are unfeignedly willing to be his He that can from his Heart say Lord I am thine may on good grounds be assur'd that the Lord is his God That Man whom God cannot satisfie nothing can for God is to his People whatever they can desire or need Sight to the Blind Bread to the Hungry Cloathing to the Naked Strength to the Weak a Physician to the Sick Pardon to the Guilty Comfort to the Mourners Life in Death and Everlasting Life after Death When the Devil suggested to a good Man That it was in vain for him to mind God for he should never get to Heaven He replied I will then follow hard after him and keep close to him that I may enjoy as much as possible of God here on Earth Where Sin lies heavy every Affliction will be light 'T was the Saying of the Noble Marquess of Vico Their Money perish with them who think all the Wealth in the World worth one Hour's Communion with Jesus Christ Since no Man can see thee and live Lord let me die said an holy Man that I may see thee and be with thee If your Condition be never so low if your Hearts be lower it is well enough the Issue will be good And while God the Fountain is left you need not much complain for want of a broken Cistern While others live without God in the World a Christian should endeavour to live as without the World in and upon his God The same Love of God which leads one Christian into the Wine-Cellar and gives him Assurance may lead another into a Prison for the Trial and Exercise of his Grace In Prayer if a Man have not a care of the first Wandrings of his Heart from God he will hardly be able to recover himself afterwards 'T was a memorable Saying of a Great Man He may be deceived who thinks to save any thing by his Religion more than his Soul Before a Man is humbled he complains of God's Unkindness to him but afterwards of his own to God God had one Son without any Sin our Blessed Redeemer but never any Son without some Affliction and Suffering Blessed be God we have any thing to deny or lose or count nothing for Christ A Believer prays with Fervency as if he would not be delay'd and then waits patiently as if he had not prayed If you can say God is your God and all that is in the World is his how can your fear Want If he be not All-sufficient why do you call him so If he be why do you not trust in him If the Lord be good to the Soul that seeks him how good is he to the Soul that finds him If saith Jerom my Father and Mother did with Tears intreat me and my Wife hang about my Neck and my Children fall at my Feet to beseech me to forsake Christ I would cast them all off Father Mother Wife and Children and say Farewel all welcome Christ THE following Account of the Conversion of his Niece will give farther Testimony to his Charity Zeal and Diligence to promote Religion in his Family and how God honoured him by the Lustre of an holy Example to recommend serious Godliness to those who saw his Conversation and by his seasonable Counsels to assist the Recovery of one who under great Convictions and Temptations was in Danger to be lost by too long concealing of the State of her Case from such as could advise and direct her A short Account of the Conversion of Mrs. P. F. as she left it under her Hand before her Death I Am now going about to call to mind the great Mercy and Goodness of the Lord towards me the unworthiest of all his Servants to record his Loving-kindness and to make mention of the many and great Deliverances I have had I know not where to begin nor where to make an end I am even swallowed up in Admiration and ready to cry out with David What shall I render to the Lord for all his Benefits especially when I consider my own Vileness by Nature and how I deserved to be cast into Hell as soon as I was born as having an Heart full of Sin Vanity and Rebellion against God being conceived in Sin and born in Iniquity And as if this had not been enough I have added numberless most hainous Transgressions I have reason to bewail the Sins of my Thoughts I was thinking Thoughts of Pride and Vanity as soon as I could think I was running away from God as soon as I could go with my Back towards Heaven and my Face towards Hell After I came to Years of Discretion the more I knew of God the more I sinned against him The Sins of my Youth have been innumerable and very hainous in their Nature so that I have cause to pray with David Lord remember not against me the Sins of my Youth O the precious Time I have lost and the Golden Opportunities that I have squandred away The Light and Love the Mercies and Means of Grace that I have sinned against I have spent the best of my Years in the Service of Sin and in the Neglect of the great Concerns of my Soul I confess when I was but a Child since I had any Understanding I had always some Love to the Ways and People of God and some Delight in Holy Duties and was fearful of
Sin especially of Lying and Stealing and playing upon the Sabbath-Day I delighted to read the Word of God and good Books to others but I did not apply it to my self as when I read that Scripture that except we repent we shall all perish Except we are born again we cannot see the Kingdom of God That the Wicked shall be turned into Hell c. I thought these did not concern me because I was guilty of no gross Sin I reckon'd my Condition was good and I was ready to pity others but I was not sensible of the Corruption and Defilement of my Nature I did not see the Need of a Change I was not sensible of my undone Condition without Christ I saw not his Excellency nor had any Desires after him I knew not upon what Terms I must take him if I would be saved As to the outward Duties of Religion I lived in the Performance of many of them but as for the more inward and spiritual Duties of Christianity such as Self-examination Meditation Self-denial mourning for Sin and watching over my Thoughts Words and Actions strict Observation of the Lord's Day c. to these I was altogether a Stranger Thus I went on in Rebellion against God having a Form of Godliness but denying the Power And if God had then cut me off in my Unregeneracy certainly Hell-Fire must have been my Portion He might have sworn in his Wrath that I should never enter into his Rest O the wonderful Patience and Forbearance of the Lord towards such a sinful Creature It is a Miracle of Mercy I am yet on this side the Grave and Hell It is of the Lord's Mercy that I am spared so long and that he gives me space to repent that he should afford me the Means of Grace and send his holy Spirit to strive with me and give me many Convictions and all to reclaim me and bring me home to himself And that he should not only give me space to repent but an Heart to repent That he should not only stand waiting and knocking at the Door of my Heart so many Years calling on me to repent but that he should give me the Grace of Repentance This is undeserved Love and distinguishing Mercy For I was dead in Trespasses and Sins and had nothing but my Misery to move his Compassion I walked according to the course of this World I was insensible of my Danger tho' ready to drop into Hell every moment And I should certainly have perished had not the Lord been pleased to open my Eyes and to pluck me as a Fire-brand out of the burning and set me in the way to Heaven for which I can never sufficiently adore and praise his glorious Grace in Christ to me a vile sinful Creature Great was his Mercy towards me for he hath delivered my Soul from the lowest Hell which makes me say with David Come and hear all ye that fear the Lord and I will declare what he hath done for my Soul and the Way and Means whereby he was pleased to work upon my Heart The Manner of my Conversion which I hope is true and real is as follows It pleased the Lord by a sad Providence viz. the Sickness at London to bring my Unkle Gearing and his Family from thence to my Father's House where they continued about half a Year My Unkle being a good Man I could not but take notice of his strict and circumspect Walking and was much affected with it And I began to think surely the Way that I am in will never bring me to Heaven I thought I must live another manner of Life if ever I would be saved I had many Convictions but there I stayed but went no further I kept on in my former careless course When it pleased God to put a Stop to the Plague at London my Unkle returned with his Family and I went with him and continued at his House about two Months in which time it pleased the Lord to follow me with new Convictions partly by the good Example of my Unkle partly by many excellent Sermons which I heard when I was there so that I began in good earnest to look after the Salvation of my Soul and to say with the Goaler What must I do to be saved I began to be very desirous to hear the Word I took all Opportunities to hear and gave Attention to what was preached after another manner than I was wont to do and laboured to make Application of it to my self I heard Mr. Vincent preach upon Heb. 12. 14. Follow Holiness without which no Man shall see the Lord urging the Necessity of it as the only way to Heaven I was much affected therewith and began to think I must set about the Work of a thorow Repentance I began to be sensible of my Original Corruption and that I had been guilty of thousands of actual Sins Those which before I counted small I now look'd upon as great and upon my self by reason of Sin to be in a lamentable Condition I knew not how to get out of this sinful miserable State and the Lord was pleased to shew me that there was no Name under Heaven by which I could be saved but only by Jesus Christ I thought if I could have an Interest in Him and his Favour I should be saved but I feared God would not thus have Mercy upon me because I had gone on so long in Sin I heard an excellent Sermon upon Mat. 11. 28. Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy loden and I will give you Rest Proving first that Sin is a Burden And secondly that burdened Sinners are invited to come to Christ and then that those that come to him shall find Rest for their Souls This was a sutable Word to my Soul I was much affected in the hearing of in for I felt Sin to be a Burden no my Conscience and I would fain have Rest to my Soul I was sensible of my Want of Jesus Christ and of the absolute Necessity to be interested in him I began to see his Worth and Excellency as the chiefest of Ten thousands altogether lovely And then and not till then I had Hungerings and Thirstings after him so that I could say None but Christ give me Christ or else I die Thus it pleased the Lord by his Spirit to work upon my Heart by degrees to open mine Eyes and to let in some Spiritual Light into my Understanding which was dark before and to give some Spiritual Life to my Affections which were dead before But O the Enemies that did then labour to hinder my Conversion and stop this Work The World by Allurements and Discouragements sought to keep me off from Christ My own deceitful Heart and corrupt Disposition within me were no small Enemy and Hinderance to the Work of Grace in my Soul The Devil the great Adversary of God's Glory and our Happiness came like a roaring Lion ready to devour me so that I
Happiness for ever And when I thought of the Torments of Hell the Fire that must never go out and the Worm that shall never die this I looked upon as the due Desert of my Sins and as my Portion I had renounced all my own Righteousness I could see nothing in my self but what deserved Hell I wondred at the Patience of God to me I could justifie him tho' he should damn me I thought my self unworthy to eat or drink or breathe or tread upon the Earth I looked every Day when God would glorifie himself in my Damnation but this I kept to my self Tho' others could not but take notice of the Sadness of my Spirit and wondred at it yet I did not tell any how it was with me My Heart was very full and I longed to vent it but I knew not how To God I durst not go being conscious of my own Vileness I was ashamed to make known my Condition to Man it was so bad I thought none ever had such blasphemous Thoughts as I had I wished some of the Saints did know my Condition that they might direct me and pray for me but I could not tell to whom to apply my self Thus was I in Perplexity tossed to and fro and not comforted And tho' the Lord was pleased to uphold me and keep me from falling into the Pit of Despair yet I was very near it I was encompassed about with so many and great Temptations and they came so strong upon me that I could not hold out any longer to conceal my Trouble Then the Lord put it into my Mind to acquaint my Unkle Gearing with my sad Condition but the Devil endeavoured all he could to hinder it by perswading me that it was a foolish thing to declare my Wickedness to one that was so holy that I should but purchase his ill Opinion of me and cause him to hate and abhor me and do my self no good at all by telling him of it Yet still I had a Desire to do it and I had no Rest in my Spirit till I had done it But sometimes I wanted an Opportunity and sometimes when I would have spoken I could not But at last a fit Opportunity was presented upon a Sabbath-Day Night all being in Bed except my Unkle and my self I was resolved to open my Heart freely to him When I began to speak my Mouth was as it were stopped but with trembling I forced my self to speak and made known my sad Condition I told him what grievous Blasphemous Thoughts I had and that I was affraid I had committed the Sin against the Holy Ghost and thought therefore I should certainly be damned and had no Hopes of Salvation but I desired his Prayers for me and his Advice in a Matter of such Consequence It pleased the Lord to affect his Heart with my Condition He told me it was not my Sin to be tempted if I did not yield to the Temptation And therefore it should not drive me to despair of God's Mercy He said it was a Sign I had not committed the Sin against the Holy Ghost because I was affraid I had committed it He spoke much of the gracious Nature of God and of his Willingness to save Sinners and as I remember he told me of many and great Sinners in Scripture to whom God had shewed Mercy as Manasseh and Mary Magdalen and the Thief upon the Cross He also directed me to many sweet Promises in Scripture but that especially which is never to be forgotten Ezek. 36. 25 26. Then will I sprinkle clean Water upon you and you shall be clean from all your Filthiness and from all your Idols will I cleanse you A new Heart also will I give you and a new Spirit will I put within you c. He told me every one might lay hold on this Promise When he read these Scriptures to me my Heart rejoiced and I began to hope God would pardon me and give me a new Heart and cause me to walk in his Ways He also gave me very good Counsel particularly to be constant in the Excellent Duty of Secret Prayer and told me the great Benefit I should find thereby c. Now having made known my Condition and declared my Trouble and hearing these gracious Promises to poor Sinners I found some Ease and Satisfaction in my Mind and the beginning of Comfort in my Soul I resolved to put these Duties in practice Secret Prayer Self-examination Meditation c. But I was altogether a Stranger to these inward Heart-Duties I knew not how to perform them as I ought How many times have I kneeled down to pray and knew not what to say but wanted not Sighs and Tears And so my Necessity and the Sense of my Vileness my earnest Desires after Christ and his Grace put Words into my Mouth Tho' my Duties were miserably lame and defective yet they were performed with much Earnestness and Importunity and I think I may say in Sincerity surely then my Heart was in every Word and in every Duty I did not then dally with God I was in good earnest for my Soul and that Promise was comfortable to me If there be first a willing Mind it is accepted with God c. I found that Scripture made good to me Then shall we know if we follow on to know the Lord. And that in Isa 40. 16. I will bring the Blind by the way that they knew not I will make Darkness Light before them and crooked things strait These things will I do unto them and not forsake them saith the Lord. These and such Scriptures were sweet and I began to search the Bible to find them And when the Lord was pleased to set them home upon my Heart they were as Cordials many times to my fainting Soul But tho' I had some Comfort and Support yet was I not free from Temptations and Trouble of Mind My spiritual Enemies strove hard to hinder my Godly Course and turn me from it had not the Lord been stronger than they My Sin was a heavy Burden to me and I had earnest Desires after Christ yet I found it very hard to believe Satan laboured to perswade me that I was not elected to Salvation and therefore whatever I did I should never be saved This was no small Trouble to my Spirit but it pleased the Lord to direct me to a Book in which I found much Satisfaction concerning this Matter Then Satan told me He that believeth not should be damned and therefore because I was full of Unbelief and Doubting I was condemned already But when I was in great Trouble about this it pleased the Lord to cast in this Scripture If we believe not yet he abideth faithful he cannot deny himself This did very much support me and so did these following Promises which I had not taken notice of before nor applied to my self Isa 55. 1. and all this Chapter and Mat. 11. 28. Joh. 7. 37. Rev. 22. 17. Joh. 3. 16.
was a Temptation and presently to run to Jesus Christ for Succour and Relief and to apply the Promises unto my Soul and I quickly found Comfort and was soon freed from Temptation But in this my Prosperity I was ready to say I shall never be removed I began to think I should never be in Adversity and sometimes I was ready to question whether I was one of God's Children because I had no Afflictions I thought God did not love me because he did not chasten me I thought I could bear any thing he should lay upon me As I valued not Life so I feared not Death I thought I could freely and willingly lay down my Life for Christ if I was called to it But this joyful lively active Frame of Spirit did not long continue in about a quarter of a Year it began to abate and I began to be more cold and indifferent in spiritual things and not to be so active and lively as before This was a great trouble to me and made me to question all that was past I thought I should still have grown better and better and not worse Then that Scripture was terrible to me 2 Pet. 2. 29. If after they have escaped the pollutions of the World through the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ they are again entangled therein and overcome their latter end is worse than their beginning And that Scripture Heb. 6. 4. It is impossible for those that were once enlightned and have tasted the good Word of God c. if they fall away to renew them again to repentance Also that Text Rev. 3. 15 16. Because thou art neither hot nor cold I will spew thee out of my mouth I was much sensible of my Backslidings fear'd I should turn Apostate Had not that sweet Promise interposed I will heal their backslidings and love them freely I had been certainly swallowed up in Despair Satan that roaring Lion came upon me very fiercely but that Scripture was very comfortable to me I will put my fear into their hearts and my spirit into their inward parts and they shall never depart from me And whom he loveth he loveth to the end And he that hath begun a good Work will perform it unto the day of Jesus Christ And faithful is he that hath called you who will also do it These and other Scriptures did support me but I could not attain to my former lively performance of holy Duties nor had I that Communion with God in holy Duties as formerly which was no small trouble to me and kept me from rejoicing in God Yet I cannot say but I had sometimes Assurance of God's Love but not constantly as I had before Then my Grandmother being sick I went to be with her at my Uncle's House He being a very good Man his Company was no small Comfort to me My Grandmother also being a very pious Woman was always speaking of what was good I enjoy'd much of God while I was there but yet was many times in fear about my Spiritual State and much troubled with the Temptations of Satan After I had been there a quarter of a Year it pleased the Lord to visit me with the Small Pox which was a very sore Disease to me I was brought so low as to be given over for dead by most if not all that saw me and once they thought I had been actually dead When I was first sick I began to be in great fear what would become of me if I should die but this Cloud was soon blown over and the Lord was pleased to shine upon me with the Light of his Countenance and speak Peace to my Conscience And when I was as weak as I think any could be and live yet had I then much inward Joy and Comfort the Promises were as Cordials to my fainting Spirits That Promise Isa 41. 10 did often refresh me Fear not for I am with thee be not dismayed for I am thy God I will strengthen thee I will help thee yea I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness That also Psal 73. 25. My flesh and my heart faileth but God is the strength of my heart and my portion for ever So Psal 43. 5. Why art thou cast down O my Soul Why art thou disquieted within me Hope thou in God for I shall yet praise him who is the health of my countenance and my God These and many other Promises were my Support in the Day of my Distress I had then such assurance of God's Goodness and Love to me and of the Pardon of my Sins and of my Interest in Christ that I longed for Death and could not bear the thoughts of living any longer I had such Fore-tastes of Heaven that I cared not for the Earth I earnestly desired to be dissolved and to be with Christ which is best of all I thought if I should live any longer I should but sin against God and that I could not glorifie him in my Life as I desired I thought if he should restore me I should not be enabled to walk answerably to so great a Mercy These and other such Reasons made me impatient of Life and long for Death I was angry with any that prayed for my Life I now fear that I did sin in being so desirous of Death and not submitting my Will to the Will of God to be at his Disposal whether for Death or Life So it pleased the Lord after a long and tedious Sickness to raise me up from the very Gates of Death This was looked upon as almost a Resurrection from the Dead for which great Deliverance I can never be sufficiently thankful And because I so much desired to die I did not prize my Life and this Deliverance as I should have done Neither did I render to the Lord according to the Mercy I received from him I desire now to be truly thankful to the Lord for all his Mercies and to shew forth my Thankfulness by walking more closely with him all the Days of my Life The following encouraging Considerations among others were collected by him out of several Books and Sermons and are printed from his own Papers in hope of being useful for the Support of others I. THOU that complainest of a hard Heart and fain wouldst mourn for thy Sins to thee I say be not discouraged thy Hardness feared and felt is not the Plague of Hardness It is the Disease indeed of the Heart but it is not the Curse it shall not destroy thee Thou may'st be comforted under Hardness felt and bewailed and pray'd against true Tenderness about Sin is always accompanied with dislike and hatred against Sin and with watching and striving against it if thou hast so much Tenderness bless God and be thankful II. There is no Instance can be given of a Soul utterly for saken of God that can mourn for the want of his Presence If God's Love be precious to thee and most desirable be
but a weak Faith if he meet with no Temptation shall scarce know what doubting means and a Man of a strong Faith under strong Temptations may not be able to overcome Fears and Doubts If Assurance did exclude all Doubts and Fears then it should be perfect but as our Faith and all other Graces are imperfect so is Assurance also None have Assurance at all times it is like the Weather sometimes fair sometimes foul yea in the same Day fair in the Morning and cloudy before Night David had such strong Faith at one time that he would not fear tho' ten thousand set themselves against him he would not fear tho' he should pass through the Valley of the shadow of Death At another time he was so full of Fear that he saith he shall one Day perish by the Hands of Saul V. We can never have too high too vast Thoughts of the Goodness of God we do not think aright of God if we do not think him more ready to give than we are to ask There is nothing thou canst go to God for that is according to his Will but he is ten thousand times more ready to bestow than thou art to ask A Child of God may go to him with as full Confidence of his Love as a Child to the most tender Parent in the World nay much more abundantly The blessed Majesty of Heaven is inclined to succour and relieve those that are in Distress and Misery He that puts Bowels of Compassion and Pity into Man shall not he himself be much more pitiful and compassionate Exod. 34. 6. He is merciful and gracious he delights in nothing more than in shewing Mercy You can do nothing more grateful to God nor please him better than to plead for Mercy Mich. 7. 18. When thou pleadest for Mercy thou hast God's Nature pleading the same thing for thee All the yearning Bowels of the most compassionate Parents in the World are but a meer Shadow to the Bowels of God We may go to God in Confidence of being heard for Christ's sake only as if we had never sinned 't is wonderful what the Scripture saith of Faith and Prayer VI. This also may help to sustain and comfort a poor doubting tender Heart that fears and suspects himself of Hypocrisie that those very Fears of thine are some shew of the contrary Men naturally love and flatter themselves but thou loathest thy self for thy Corruptions Be of good cheer 't is Grace and nothing but Grace that complains of Sin 'T is Sincerity and nothing else that discovers and bewails Hypocrisie Especially when thou bewailest Heart-Hypocrisie and such secret and hidden Sins that only God and thy own Heart do know If thou livest not in any known Sin nor in neglect of any known Duty if thou wouldest find out thy Sin if there is no Sin thou wouldest have hid from God's Eye and no Duty thou wouldst have hid from thy own Eye if there is no Sin but thy Heart is against it and no Duty but thy Heart is for it this proves thy Uprightness VII If God never makes his Face to shine on thee in this World yet 't is thy Duty to trust and cleave to him through Christ Would you know why God when he hath wrought Grace doth not enable the Soul presently to perceive it It may be 't is that Sin may be more bitter If we could have Comfort when we would we should have very slight thoughts of Sin Upon sight of thy Graces possibly thou wouldst be proud to hide this Pride God hides our Graces from us It may be God doth it to prove thy Obedience to him for to rely on God's Grace and live by Faith without sensible Tokens of it is the purest Act of Obedience that can be By Assurance we get more Comfort to our selves but by believing we give more Glory to God Therefore saith Christ to Thomas Blessed are they that have not seen and yet have believed When you have any Evidence of Grace you must be sure to rest only on Christ and trust to him The great Work of a Christian in this World is out of a sense of his Sins and Weaknesses daily to depend on Christ looking to Christ seeing our need of Christ for Pardon and Sanctification and Reconciliation every day This is our great Work How many search for Grace and neglect to put forth Acts of Faith on Christ Alas Graces are but Tokens from Christ Let us not forget depending and relying on the blessed Jesus tho' we have no fight at all of any Grace in our selves Where a Person hath any one sign of Grace he may warrantably conclude all the rest to be there tho' at present he perceive them not 'T is the truth and not the measure and degree of your Grace you are to conclude your State by The prizing and loving and seeking and delighting in the Love and Favour of God above all is a certain Evidence of Grace VIII The greatest sense of Sin and Guilt should discourage none from coming to God for Mercy through Christ because the Mercies of God are infinitely more than a Sinner's Provocations are or can be O 't is boundless Mercy bottomless Mercy There are many like Sinners as thou art but there is none like God for pardoning and forgiving mercy Mic. 6. 18. My thoughts are not your thoughts nor my ways your ways As the heaven is higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts Isa 55. 8. When Conscience is awakened we are ready to doubt whether God will pardon us therefore he fetches Arguments from his gracious and merciful Nature My ways are not your ways If you repent your Sins shall infinitely be out-done We are apt to think God like our selves but the blessed God is of tender Bowels slow to Wrath loth to take Vengeance ready to forgive the greatest Wrong and receive the Sinner into his Favour upon true Repentance There is saith God as vast a difference between my Disposition and Dealing and yours as between Heaven and Earth Thou that art an awakened convinced Sinner the Promises of the Gospel belong unto thee Isa 61. 1. The Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings to the meek to bind up the broken-hearted and to comfort all that mourn Canst thou desire to be in a better Case than those whom Christ hath Commission to take care of The Poor in Spirit the Mourners for their Sins those that hunger after Righteousness not having a drop of Comfort from themselves Christ blesseth and pronounces happy Blessed are the poor in Spirit Not one of them would the Lord have kept from coming to him Mat. 11. 28. Come to me All Ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Trust to me you that are troubled in Conscience for Sin I will bring you to rest in God's Love and Favour Be not discouraged there is a Mediator for thee whose Worthiness and
Righteousness is more satisfactory and pleasing unto God than all the Sinners Wickedness is injurious and displeasing to him O this is a very sweet and comfortable Consideration indeed There is no such Evil in Sin to damn thee as there is Merit in Christ's Blood to save thee IX To despair of Mercy is a greater Sin than all thy other Sins This makes thee like the Devil himself It is the Glory of Divine Grace to triumph over all the Sinner's Unworthiness Resolve therefore I will yet follow God tho' I have offended him come on me what will I know he is God and not Man who can help nay will help if I come unto him Isa 57. 16. I will not contend for ever nor be always wroth for the Spirit would fail before me and the Souls that I have made Isa 41. 17. When the poor and needy seek water and there is none and their tongue faileth for thirst I the Lord will hear them I the God of Israel will not forsake them When it comes to failing fainting sinking dying then comes help Be much in Prayer and hold on waiting God may make you seek and wait a long time aye but he will certainly come and that will make amends for all X. How shall one be willing to die that hath not a sense of God's Love I answer when we can see our Love to God tho' we cannot see God's Love to us What are the Actings of our Soul towards God when we can see no Love in his Dispensations towards us As that good Man under great Afflictions and Dissatisfaction about the Love of God at last breaks out If I did not love God why do I follow him and mourn after him If thou lovest God here is ground of Comfort thou couldst not love God if he did not first love thee It was a memorable Answer of Mr. Dod to a godly Minister that said to him a little before his Death What will you say to me who am going out of the World and can find no Comfort He replied What will you say to our Saviour that was going out of the World and found no Comfort but he cried out My God my God still This Speech much refreshed that godly Minister Others of God's Children have wanted sensible Comfort at their Death yet they have been able to act Faith and to say My God my God still Tho' God's sensible Presence is not still the same yet his Word and Promise is he speaks as comfortably in his Word as ever he cannot deny his own Word God sometimes withdraws Comfort that we may prize his Word more and depend more upon that You please and honour God most when you can venture your Souls on his bare Word and Promise A Faith of Recumbency on Christ in the want of Comfort doth more honour God than the highest Faith of Assurance Why should Death be a Terror to them that fear God none need to fear Death that are escaped from the Dominion of Sin and the Devil Can you say you do not love Christ and that you do love Sin then there is cause enough for fear but this were to bely the blessed Spirit The godly hath hope in his Death A hope of Life even at the Point of Death A godly Man's hope can never fail him he may want sensible Comfort but he doth hope still Death 't is a going to God and shall a godly Man be afraid of going to his God Again it is a Sleep a Rest are weary Men afraid of rheir Rest and of going to sleep If Death be an Enemy 't is a slain Enemy Christ hath been the Death of Death And why should that have Terror in it that hath no Life in it A godly Man is a real Gainer by Death He gains more by his Death than ever he got all his Life long viz. Happiness and Joy that shall never end Again tho' Death separates Relations here yet Death can never separate the godly Man's Soul and Body from Christ Both still continue united unto Christ They sleep in Jesus God is still their God and therefore let not the Saints of God be afraid of Death XI Psal 147. 11. The Lord taketh pleasure in them that fear him in them that hope in his mercy Then our Prayers please God when they are put up to him in Faith and hope of his Mercy Poor trembling Souls that meditute nothing but Terror little think how it would please God to see them to hope in his Mercy They are conscious to themselves how they have displeased God but hope in God's Mercy and he will take pleasure in thee They bring most Honour to God that are most admiring and magnifying of his Mercy His Heart is most set on Mercy in all the Manifestations of it Therefore let poor drooping Souls still maintain hope in the Mercy of God through Christ XII This is certain in every afflictive Providence to Believers there is more Mercy than Wrath nay 't is all Mercy in the Issue and not in revengeful Wrath but paternal Anger They have Supports under all sometimes they may be under desertion and no comforts of God come into their Souls they are ready to say Lord why casteth thou off my Soul But then they have this to support them they can love God and mourn after his Favour tho' he seems to be gone from them they can look after him and long for his Return and this is such an effect of Grace that is more worth than the whole World Sustentation saith Mr. Baines I thank God I have tho' Suavities I have none Sickness and Sorrow and Death that are the Fruits of Sin none can be exempted from but Grace doth this for Believers The Curse the Hurt the Venom of all is taken away they are Gainers by all 2 Cor. 4. 16. Tho' our outward man c. All works for their good Others have Comforts with a Curse but Believers have Crosses with a Blessing The Guilt of Sin the Grace of God in Christ doth quite take away from all Believers Heb. 8. 12. Pardoning Mercy clears the Soul of Guilt What Comfort is this to such that by the Grace of Justification through Christ they are in God's account righteous And upon the account of Christ their Righteousness they may come into God's Presence with as assured Welcome as Adam in Paradise or the Angels now in Heaven This thou may'st be assured of that Christ will not break the bruised Reed nor quench the smoaking Flax. Tho' thy Faith be so small that it yields not Light to others nor Heat to thy own Heart yet Christ discerns and accepts it But can a Man have the Exercise of Grace and not know it fear God and not discern it I answer Yes some Graces may then be acted and discerned by others as well as at any other time He may fear God as truly and as much as ever and yet his Grace may not have Light to discover it self to him It may have a Being and working in the Heart when it 's not clear in thy Apprehension XIII Hearken unto the Voice of God O poor doubting disconsolate Sinner Why dost thou pass Sentence against thy self Thou say'st O my Sins are very many Well but the Mercies of God are far more O but my Sins are very great True but the Meroies of God are far greater O but my Sins are of long continuance True but yet thy Sins are but Sins of Time his Mercies are the Mercies of Eternity O but my Sins are greater than you are aware of they are Crimson Scarlet Sins How great are they Are they as great as the Sins of Manasseh that was a Wizard that filled Jerusalem with Blood yet God pardoned him Are they greater than the Sins of Mary Magdalen out of whom were cast seven Devils and yet God had Mercy for her O but I fear the Stock of Mercy is quite spent No his Mercy endures for ever it is from everlasting to everlasting But I have exceedingly abused Mercy yet remember that tho thou hast sinn'd against his Mercy yet thou hast not sinned above his Mercy Isa 55. 8. My thoughts are not as your thoughts nor my ways as your ways as the heavens are above the earth so are my thoughts above your thoughts and my ways above your ways FINIS * My Honoured Friend Mr. Joshua Gearing Sen.