have continued under such assaults eversince more or less till the time hereafter specified when the Lord of his free Mercy began to make way for my escape I do also remember that I had not onely despising slighting thoughts of God but also of his people calling them in my thoughts though not with my lips lyars But when I did think I consented to such thoughts then horrour would seize upon me even to overwhelme me and in this condition I remained till my going into Ireland which was about June 1654. After my coming there the Lord visited me with the Small-pox and in that time of sicknesse I thought I had some refreshment from the Lord by consulting his word but was suddenly after assaulted with more and worse blasphemous thoughts then ever before and then did verily believe I was possessed with the Devil and did think I talked with him and heard him say that God loved to torment and bring misery upon his Creatures which thoughts were so pressing upon me that I was ready to wish the destruction of the Almighty and did to my thinking hate him crying out in the hearing of many I am undone to Eternity and so remaineth till lately And so dreadful were these last mentioned thoughts to my soul that from that time I concluded I had committed the sin against the holy Ghost which before I did onely think I had but now was confirmed in it and began to think I had really trampled under foot the blood of Jesus Christ and had done despite to the Spirit of grace and thence concluded that nothing now remained but a fearful looking for of vengeance that should devour the Adversary and this put me into unexpressible torments night and day thinking the Devil would come and fetch me away and I believed I was certain of it and when any went to pray for me I thought that hastened my destruction and therefore I hated them for it and had in my mind many sad wishes as to those that prayed for me counting Hell my portion and that I should by such means be sooner cut off and that they sin'd in praying I having sin'd against the holy Ghost thought they ought to hate me but not pray for me I did also think I alwayes heard a fearful sound in my ears especially when it was windy or rainy weather and then thought I should be cast into Hell presently which made an unexpressable torment of mine to think of it and yet under all the means used to seek God for me I found no benefit But at Dublin when dayes were set apart to seek God for me I dreaded those dayes above all other thinking verily that God was ingaged in honour to come out against me in fierce indignation as also against such as sought him on my behalf and I did many times think the Lord in a way of judgement would turn me into some filthy hateful Monster or other as a Memorial of his just displeasure against me and all the time that prayers were put up for me which was very frequent in Dublin as also discourses very often with me I could not perceive that any ever took the least hold on my heart but still I had that Scripture oft on my thoughts (a) Psal 65.5 By terrible things in righteousnesse wilt thou answer them which I understood to be some answer in a way of judgement as to me I had also that Scripture much on my heart (b) Matth. 12.31 32. He that sins against the holy Ghost shall never be forgiven in this world nor in that which is to come And as to reading the Scriptures my heart was much averse to it oneiy sometimes out of compassion to others I did read and sometimes did mind them what the casting off the Scriptures had cost me who is now rejected for ever wishing them to take heed of the like but it was very seldome that I did this and long ere I could bring my heart to it I do also remember when I lived at Clantarfe in Ireland and used to go to Dublin sometimes to hear the word I have often thought when I went I should be destroyed ere I came back again and when I did hear I strove all I could to forget what I heard or read having my expectations of Hell so heightened by all such means that I could not endure it would have given any thing I might never have gone to have heard or prayed more it did so increase the torments of my soul And when I came into the place where I used to hear I stâ—ll expected to hear some sudden voice from Heaven declaring my destruction and did think many times that the wind arose just as I came to that place to hear and did believe the Lord must needs appear in judgement against me for coming and sitting as one of his people among them whom I in my heart hated and would long that the duties might be ended that I might be free from those feares that were upon me while there I do also remember that almost every thing did afright me either a cloudy day the Sun or Moon Eclipsed or the Suns rising red in a morning or the wind blowing high All these I thought were signes of my destruction that I did believe the Lord would execute upon me for my hatred against him and his wayes And indeed such an inveterate hate I had against him that I judged I loathed and abhorred the doing good to any saying in my self that the Lord would damn and destroy me and why should I do any good I also wished many times I had never been born or had never had eyes to see or ears to hear or else had been made the most contemptible Creature in the world because when they die there is an end of them but when I die my misâ—ry then begins I also wished I might â—â—ever hear any one speak more from the Scriptures to me for I reckoned all that had spoken to me either in sicknesse or in health would be witnesses against me and so aggravate my sin and misery because I had such warnings and had not harkened to them but to the Devil and especially Mr. Patient a Minister of the word in Dublin coming to me in the time of my sicknesse and speaking of the great danger of an impenitent state if the Lord should cut the thrid of life that such persons would drop immediately into Hell the which he endeavoured to demonstrate to me that I thought he would be the principal witnesse against me of all that had spoke with me so that I now saw my self without hope and the mercy of the Lord utterly taken from me not as it was from Saul but far worse I having sinned against far greater light and more warnings and after such tasts and enlightnings to fall away it was impossible to renew me again unto repentance but concluded I should suddainly be destroyed and that without remedy This being my case I
his mercy I was after these conversings with the Lord and sweet Communion with him led to consider what all this calls for at my hand and was caused to desire to testifie my love to Jesus Christ in wayes of obedience to all his Commands who had so plentifully manifested his love to my soul and at last was led to some Meditations about Baptism looking upon it as a duty incumbent upon all believers whereby they did evidence their love to Christ in obedience to his Commands But withal I had some fears on my heart about my being carried on in that duty which I see to be so contemn'd and despised but did judge these were but the tempters suggestions and therefore did earnestly desire of the Lord that he would inable me to evidence my sincerity to him by following him in his most despised paths and that I might not dare to neglect any duty he calls for at my hands then also was I brought to mind that Scripture b Phil. 1.29 To you it 's given not onely to believe but also to suffer for his sake And that he onely could give this gift which was a great honour to be conferr'd upon his poor Saints to be counted worthy to suffer for his name and I begg'd It might ever be so accounted by me that Scripture also I had on my mind c Matth. 10.37 He that loveth Father or Mother more then me is not worthy of me As likewise d Mar. 10.29 No man that hath left house or Brethren or Sisters or Father or Mother or Wife or Children or Lands for my sake and the Gospels but he shall receive an hundred fold now in this time houses and Brethren and Sisters and Mothers and Children and Lands with persecution and in the world to come life Eternal Now by a hundred fold in this life I understood to be in peace of conscience that would be more then all the comforts I could forsake for it Besides in the world to come life everlasting And that Scripture also I had (e) 2 Cor. 4.17 18. For our Light afflictions which are but for a moment do work for us a far more exceeding and Eternal weight of glory whilest we look not at the things which are seen but at those things that are not seen for the things that are seen are temporal but those that are not seen are Eternal I also minded Moses his eying the recompence of reward made him despise the pleasures of Pharaoh's Court and likewise what the Saints mentioned (f) Heb. 11. had endured by eying the glory set before them and looking to that City that had foundations whose builder and maker is God And upon these and such like considerations my soul was incouraged to follow Christ resolving in his strength I would do so in every of his Commands he should make known to me to be my duty to walk in although by so doing I were a reproach and scorn minding David's words (g) Psalm 71.7 I am a wonder unto men but thou art my strong refuge And thence I reasoned if God were my refuge I did not care though I were a wonder unto men in pursuit of my duty upon some further considerations I saw Baptisme more clear to be my duty I being commanded (h) Heb. 6.12 To follow those who through Faith and patience inherit the promises And this path of Baptism I find Christ and all his Disciples walk'd in and therefore in this I judged I was to follow being commanded to be a follower of them I also considered (i) Acts 2.41 Then they that gladly received the word were Baptized c. I likewise considered Christs Commission (k) Matth. 28.19 Go teach all Nations Baptizing them c. Teaching them to observe all things that I Command you Of which I find Baptisme to be one this still cleared it up to my soul further as a duty I also considered that the Laws of a King were to be obeyed by all his Subjects and this I judged one of the Laws of Christ and therefore to be obeyed by all his Subjects I also weighed several other Scriptures about the nature use and ends of Baptisme particularly (l) Rom. 6.4 5. which did manifest to me that Baptisme was a duty injoyned to all believers they thereby manifesting their conformity to Christ in his death in order to their being raised up by him again and brought forth in the Fellowship of his Resurrection unto newnesse of life all which I found much incouraging and ingaging my heart to that duty This night also my sleep was made very sweet to me through the Lord's goodnesse I waked often and slept again and still found sweet refreshings in my soul seeing my self very safe under the protection of Christ I then endeavoured to sleep again minding what had been told me that I ought to have compassion on my body and my sleep was comfortable to me Every time I awaked having these words given m Zep. 3.17 to me He will rest in his love And these n Mal. 3.6 I am God I change not and I will never leave thee nor forsake thee So that I was sweetly composed and inabled to rejoyce under the protection of Christ having those words also brought to my mind o Psalm 31.21 The Lord hath shewed me his marvelous loving kindnesse in a strong City and hath laid help upon one that is mighty And that Scripture p Isai 26.3 Trust in the Lord for ever for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength in which my soul rejoyced greatly as also in that word q Isai 40.11 He shall gather the Lambs in his Arms and carry them in his bosome and gently lead those that are with yong From which the Lord gave me faith in my soul that he was able to keep me so as none should be able to pluck me out of his hand so that I was made to rejoyce in that unspeakable safety that I had under his Protection Another pretious promise to me was r Isai 42.3 4. A bruised Reed shall he not break nor smoaking Flax shall he not quench till he bring forth judgement to victory He shall not fail nor be discouraged till he have set judgement in the Earth and the Isles shall wait for his Law And hence I considered that he was my Counseller as well as my Protector and what a wonderful Counseller he is which I considered at large from (s) Isai 9.6 Unto us a Child is born and unto us a Son is given the Government shall be upon his shoulders and his name shall be called the wonderful Counseller the everlasting Father the Prince of peace and of his Government and Kingdom there shall be no end As likewise those words came to my mind (t) Acts 3.22 A Prophet shall the Lord your God raise up unto you of your Brethren like unto me him shall you hear in all things
remember after my sickness in Dublin aforementioned what fretful hateful thoughts I had of God saying in my mind I wil do this or that in despight of God and I could not think otherwise and such a hateful bent of spirit I had against the Lord that I was oft ready to say in my heart I will curse God and die and at last through the strength of temptation I was so far prevailed upon as I did in my thoughts curse God and all I could think of that belonged to him and then concluded my self damned indeed and that I was sure of it and then said to my self I am now sure I have committed the sin against the holy Ghost which is unpardonable and should now to Eternity be tormented with the Devil and his Angels and this sorely afflicted and overwhelmed me in so much that I was once tempted to cast my self down out of a window to kill my self onely the dread of Hell I thought deterred me from it I did also strive to put horrour out of my mind all I could by enjoying outward comforts but alas these were all imbittered to me when I saw the end of such comforts I did also sometimes endeavour to divert these thoughts by businesse I set my self about but being sometimes hot at work I should have the heat of Hell-fire thereby brought to my mind and the terriblenesse of that represented to me But the greatest ease I had in these distracting terrours was by setting my self upon businesse but found my self so continually harrased with thoughts of Hell that my heart grew hard and stupid so that though I knew that was my portion yet I was unsensible of it unlesse at sometimes when horrour would violently break in upon me especially at such times as I was forced to go to hear when I still expected God to witnesse against me by some sore judgement from Heaven which upon every dark and stormy day especially I expected and did oft times judge I saw flashes of fire come upon my face putting me in mind of that horrible pit of darknesse I should one day fall into And many times when I went to bed I have been afraid to sleep lest I should be cast into Hell ere I waked again to prevent which I have oft resolved not to sleep onely sometimes through a stupid senslesse frame I should lye down and sleep not thinking of my danger but when I waked I wondered I was not in Hell yet could not be thankful for it but still thought I should be there shortly and though I lived never so long yet to be there at last would swallow up all this time as if it had not been and all the comforts I now enjoyed would but aggravate my sorrow and misery then when I shall be deprived of all and suffer for what I now enjoy upon which account all my comforts were bitter to me and when I tasted any thing I still thought what I should tast ere long in Hell which made me hardly able to eat my meat for I should thus reason Why should I eat and drink when I am in dayly expectation of being cast into Hell and then was that Scripture brought to mind (c) Esa 57.20 21. The wicked are like the troubled Sea that cannot rest whose waters cast up mire and dirt there is no peace to the wicked And many times when I have been at work suddain flashes of Hell have been as it were darted into my soul so that I have run out of the room where I was and would have run out of the Lords presence also if I could but alas my foul had no refuge to flye to from him nor can I remember that I had a heart so much as to seek for mercy onely in some great distresses sometimes I think I have used the words LORD HAVE MERCY UPON ME but without any hope or expectation of obtaining what I prayed for but concluded God would not save me unlesse he would deny himself and his word and though an Angel from Heaven should have told me of mercy I could not have believed it being so confident of the contrary and therefore I would tell those that endeavoured to fasten counsel comfort upon me it was but a casting Pearls before Swine and holy things to Dogs which God forbids And when several good women in Dublin did meet to seek the Lord on my behalf I thought sometimes especially once in Mistriss Patients house I smell'd Brimstone burning and expected nothing but destruction in the sence of which I did tremble exceedingly out of that deep horrour that was on my soul but still I got no sensible good in any of these meetings and when I have seen the mist ascend sometimes that minded me of that Scripture where 't is said (d) Rev. 14.11 The smoak of their torment ascendeth up for ever And I have oft as I have judged seen Michaels meeting-house in Dublin where we met to hear full of smoak all which I judged sealed and confirmed my destruction I do also remember when my dear Sister Allen died at Dublin in Ireland I had little or no sence of that with other like heavy stroaks of the Lord about that time upon divers other pretious ones but did believe they were taken away for my sake because they prayed for me and that I was onely left to fill up the measure of my Iniquity and therefore the Lord stopped many of their mouths by death that they might not pray any more for me but that I might be left to heap up wrath and aggravate my misery I do likewise remember one morning particularly at Dublin when I being in bed and called to rise I did believe verily I saw grievous flashes of lightning flie in my face which put me in strange honour And also another morning seeing the Sun rise in a misty frosty morning very red I had that Scripture come into my mind (e) Joel 2.31 of the Suns being turned into blood before the great and notable day of the Lord which I believed was then near to my destruction Another time being at a Christian Friends Mistriss Roe's house in Dublin in the night season I heard a voice as I judged over my head a great voice to which I hearkened and was thereby put into great horrour thinking it to be the Devil come to fetch me away and at last through anguish of soul was put into great trembling and sweat by reason of which I spake to Mistriss Roe who told me it was the people that lay over my head that talked But I did not believe her but still thought it was the Devil and towards morning I heard a ratling of Chains as I thought which I judged to be the Devils hasting to fetch me away with great rejoycing that they had got me then I asked Mistriss Ree what that noise was who told me it was onely people opening Shop-windows but that satisfied not me but I remained still
in an inexpressible horrour I likewise remember the cause of my going to lie at Mistriss Roe's was to get out of the room I lay in at my Brothers where I was sensible I had so sinned by wicked thoughts against God as aforesaid from whose presence also as well as from that room I would if I could have fled it was so dreadful to me But alas my fears were not at all abated but increased by going thither it being the house where the Church met and where was frequent speaking and praying At which I still thought the Lord would come out and witnesse against me making me an example of his justice in the sight of all his people whose often speaking to me and praying for me I did believe would aggravate my condemnation greatly And when any of them spake of the promises to me it was a great terrour to my soul to see them cast such Pearls before Swine to whom they did not belong by all which things spoken to me I was kept in a more certain looking for a fearful firy indignation from the Lord to destroy me and my heart was the more enraged with an inveterate hatred as I judged against God and his people by all the means used about me And after all these things coming to Waterford with my Brother Vernons Family and remaining there I had not the like terrour as before but was stupid and more sencelesse being as I judged given up to a seared conscience and heart yet many times sorely terrified with the like thoughts as aforesaid But was exceeding glad sometimes that I was forgotten in Prayer as I thought and then did believe it was revealed to them that prayed so that they knowing what I was prayed not for me for I had a great dread on my heart still about being prayed for judging it hastened my destruction and that I should by that means be made a fearful example of vengeance to shew to others what I was and thus it continued all the time I was at Waterford no words spoken to me or to the Lord for me doing me any good as I could perceive so that I still concluded God could not lie nor repent therefore I must be damned and that it was but in vain to attempt the contrary I also do remember when we came to Sea to come for England we were in a storm but I was in a sencelesse stupid condition little minding my danger all the time And after my Brother and Sister Vernon landed at Milford and the rest of our Family with my self and Brother Allen were come to Sea again to go for Minhead in a night and a day we had a very gracious passage given us bringing us safe into the Bay of Minhead And when there coming from the Ship-side being all in the Boat we had also an eminent deliverance the Boat being in great danger to be turn'd over by a Rope that was catched about the top of the Boats Mast just as we put off from the Ship which had it not been suddenly loos'd had pull'd the Boat over and buried us in the Sea I was yet under all these mercies with a senselesse frame of Spirit onely I had some few thoughts of the infinite power of God in upholding all things and believed I was preserved for the sake of them I came with in the Ship But coming into the Town of Minhead and finding a hand of visitation in that place I concluded that was for my sake and that I was now come into the mouth of destruction yet I was something grieved to see the prophanenesse of the place and house where we were which was as to sin worse then Ireland whence we came and then I thought of the terrible Judgements of God against sin and sinners that lived under such rich means of grace as they here in England did But leaving Minhead and coming towards my Fathers house in Devonshire I did not now doubt though I had spoken confidently before that the Lord would never let me see England nor my Friends at home but the Lord would bring us safe thither yet remember not any thankfull sense I had of the mercy received but was thinking most part of the way as I came home what a grief I should be to my Friends and relations again yet sometimes a little sense seemed to be on my heart of the mercies aforesaid as I remember and I did speak of them to some in the Family after I came home But soon after I was in a dead stupid posture as before perceiving no good to me either by speakings or prayer though used by some Friends then in the Family frequently nor could I nor durst I pray believing my Prayer was abominable and therefore when my Sister Vernons hour of Child-bearing drew near I could not seek God f r her but was unsensible of her danger approaching and after her delivery I was then in greater terror then before thinking then that God would bring swift destruction upon me as upon a Woman in travel and I should not escape Now as to the Lords manner of working on my heart of late It here followeth ON the tenth day of the eleventh Moneth 1657. hearing a Sermon upon Col. 3.3 (f) Col. 3.3 about persons in a natural estate being dead it was of an afrightning consideration to me to think that Death and Hell was their Portion and that Worms as in the discourse was mentioned should feed on such Even that Worm of conscience that should gnaw continually withal considering as was then hinted how loathsome a dead Creature is fit onely to be fed on by all other devourers which I saw also to be my state and saw my loathsomnesse in all my Actions as also that without Faith it is impossible to please God which was set home upon my heart and also that I was a subject of his wrath which did abide upon me so should do to Eternity Yet all this did not put me upon the use of any means to get out of my condition in which I still remain'd despairing of any way for my escape After this on the four and twentieth day of the eleventh Moneth I heard again from another subject (g) Psal 50.23 Psalm 50.23 about Gods salvations being shewed to those that order their conversations aright I had from this discourse many fears on my heart especially from that oft repeated Scripture (h) Psal 119.155 Salvation is far from the wicked because they keep not thy Law Which was very terrible to me and considering how abominable I was in God's sight by casting his Laws behind my back that Scripture was much on my heart (i) Psal 50.16 What hast thou to do to take my Words into thy mouth seeing thou hatest to be Reformed Which made me believe he would deal with me as is mentioned in vers 22. of that Psalm even tear me in pieces and none should deliver And because I had rejected him as I
had done I should suddenly be destroyed and that without remedy And hearing that passage mentioned out of Hannah's Song (l) 1 Sam. 2.10 The Enemies of the Lord shall be broken to pieces out of Heaven will he thunder upon them And I being as I judged one of his Enemies it did sorely terrify me After this on the six and twentieth day of the eleventh Moneth in the night season my soul was much took up with thoughts about my sad estate and I was brought to conclude I was a Subject of the Lords displeasure and should lie under the weight of his wrath to Eternity And this sorely terrified me to think what a sad thing it was to be cast out of Gods sight and that for ever and tormented with the Devil and his Angels and this for ever without any hopes of release or dram of comfort This I thought to be a pit indeed in which was no water not the least refreshment but unsupportable miseries and that to Eternity and it seemed strange to me that I was out of Hell so long considering what I had been and done against the Lord and also considering his infinite power who could in a moment cast me there who had so provoked him as I had done I came then to suppose this with my self were I now in Hell and had but a possibility of escape what means would I use to escape that horrible Pit I also considered again being once there there was was no Redemption for ever considering what great danger I was in dayly of being cast there were the thrid of my life cut which might suddenly be and so I drop into Hell past recovery I being not yet there and believing no Redemption from thence when there I came then to think if yet there were any possibility of using means for my escape I would try for if I lie still I shall certainly perish and if I attempt the use of means and misse obtaining what I seek for I can but perish and many very great sinners have escaped through mercy therefore I would try and the Lord encouraged me from those words of Esther (m) Esth 4.16 I will go in to the King if I perish I perish As also the resolution of the Lepers (n) 2 King 2.4 In the Siege of Samaria to use the means though without hope of successe I being in such a deplorable condition was prest to up and be doing seeing the danger of lying still at last I came to resolve to go hear at a Meeting in Sydbury but I could not pray for a blessing believing my Prayer was abominable to the Lord and I had also after I had resolved much ado to go considering I was but an Hypocrite and such a one should not stand before God also considering what my thoughts against God were and had been I went with great fears on my heart thinking as formerly the Lord would meet me in a way of rebuke witnessing against me but then I thought also I could but perish and I had had such thoughts of the Lords witnessing against me formerly which I had been mistaken in and so might be in these and still urged this to my heart To abide in a way of unrighteousnesse is nothing but death onely in a way of righteousnesse is life so that I had great fears each way of going or staying But considering my nights resolution I fear'd if I went not I should be found a Mocker of God and so I went but when I came there my fears were renewed again as to the Lords witnessing against me but I strove against them by calling to mind former mistakes of this kind and endeavoured to hear attentively and after a while the Lord abated my fears aforesaid and afterwards almost clean removed them The Subject spoken of at that time was sloth which having been so much my souls disease I was very sorely reproved by it especially afterward when I seriously Meditated upon it but yet I resolved to wait in the use of means blessing God as I was able for what I heard this day but yet remained in a very helplesse condition having little or no hope of deliverance This night afterwards at prayers in the Family I had my heart affected with some expressions used in Prayer about the dreadfulnesse of Christs appearing to his Adversaries for their rejecting him in his tenders to them On the seven and twentieth day at night I had many fears on my heart in so much that I was afraid to stay in any room and would if I could have fled from the presence of God it was so terrible to me And about twelve of the Clock at night I came into my Sister Vernons Chamber but horrour so seized on me in all places as I was forced once this night to go and cry to the Lord for mercy but whilst I was in my Sisters Chamber I heard one walking in another room near which made me afraid to go back again believing it was the Devil but after understanding it to be one of the Maids that was up I return'd again then into the Chamber somewhat freed from my fears and went to bed but having got cold with being up I found my self much distempered both in my body and head And kept my Bed the next day till night Then I got up for refreshment for a while but remember not any remarkable passage farther this night but had many sad grieving thoughts for my rejecting Christ which were often on my heart this day and also I had a little view of the excellency of Christ and spake to some in the Family of it in these words His Fruit is better then Life which I thought aggravated my Iniquity in rejecting him besides whom there is not another that can save and that I should reject him it sorely afflicted me But I had sometimes that day these words He waits to be gratious which somewhat incouraged and revived me to wait And it grieved me exceedingly for my rejecting him his word and counsel who shall be the desire of Nations yea that Tree of Life whose Leaves are for the healing of Nations with whom is Riches and Honour yea dureable Riches and Righteousnesse All these representations of Christ to me heightened my sin and grief for my rejecting him And even broke my heart in the sence of it most part of this day On the eight and twentieth day following I heard again in the Family from the 28. Chapter of the Proverbs the first Verse of which Chapter took hold on me as such a one as there is mentioned fleeing from the Lord as from my pursuer which I have many a time done but in that discourse it was shewn that despair is the High-way to Hell which much dwell'd with me in the night season and awakening in the night and hearing the wind blow hard it sorely terrifyed me being the voice as I thought of God my terrible Judge considering him as a consuming fire
against all Impenitent Rejectors of him of which number I was one and looking on him as a God of infinite power able to cast me into Hell in a moment and I remaining a Subject of his wrath in a state of unbelief it made me fear exceedingly but withal considering that still to remain in this condition nothing but destruction could be expected as also that there was no flying from his presence before whom all places persons and things are open and bare and from whom nothing can be hid Hell and destruction being open and known to him how much more the hearts of the Sons of Men I hence concluded my condition to be exceeding sad and then considering what a Rebel I had been setting at nought his counsels and casting his Laws behind my back yea despising hating and contemning him it made me afraid to go to him But seeing no way to go from him and my self in this desperate condition I must needs be ruin'd by him if I came not unto him He at last led me to this resolution of flying to him begging mercy at his hands for the sake of Christ as one who saw my self in the High-way to Hell and knowing that his right hand would easily find out all his Adversaries that had hated and opposed him So that there would be no escaping but by flying to Christ there being NO OTHER NAME UNDER HEAVEN GIVEN FOR SALVATION UNTO POOR SINNERS BUT THIS ONELY And so out of this great depth I was inabled to look towards his holy Temple crying to him for mercy without which I saw I was undone for ever so I continued crying to him and striving with my own soul to hope that the Lord would for Christs sake shew mercy to me because he had shewed mercy to very vile sinners though I knew none so vile as I being the chief of sinners having long despised and rejected that mercy that then I sought yet seeing what a woefull condition I should for ever be in without it I cryed to him for it and then had some Meditations given in of the way of God's shewing mercy considering how he had found out a way for mercy and truth to meet together in Christ for the Salvation of poor sinners yea the chief of sinners and the Lord brought at that time some passages to my remembrance that I had heard about the City of refuge provided in the time of the Law which was then minded typed out Christ as the City of refuge prepared of God for poor pursued sinners to flie unto from that wrath that all would be else concluded under to Eternity And the Lord also was gratiously pleased to enable me to have recourse to Christ as the onely refuge left for my poor soul begging hard for mercy upon his account and the account of what he had done and suffered for such poor sinners as I was and I was helpt also to consider the large extent of his mercy to the vilest of sinners and suddenly after I was gratiously helpt to hope in his mercy and supported and incouraged from that good word then brought with power upon my soul (p) John 3.7 He that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out which did greatly support me in good hopes of mercy from him and after that this other good word was brought in with great power upon my heart (q) Heb. 7.25 Wherefore he is able to save to the uttermost all that come unto God by him seeing he ever lives to make intercession for them This also added much to the ground of my hope in his mercy that though I had been such a Rebel and great transgressor as I had been yet he having said he would in no wise cast out any that came to him was able to save to the uttermost it much upheld and comforted my soul in looking towards him Another Scripture brought in at the same time to my heart was (r) Esai 43.12 13. I am God and besides me there is no Savior I will work and none shall let it whence I was inabled to believe that he was able to do all things by the word of his power and to break through all oppositions that stand in his way that he was able to break down every strong hold and subject every high thought to his obedience I then had Meditations of the heights and depths lengths and bredths of that infinite mercy that was in Jesus Christ and the Lord by such Meditations on his holy word did greatly incourage strengthen and raise up my poor weak unworthy soul very often and powerfully repeating these Scriptures last mentioned over and over to my poor soul and now was my soul greatly refreshed in hopes of his mercy to me but a little after the same night Her first Assault after comfort received I was sorely assaulted again to call in question all the hopes I had of mercy from the Lord in the sense of which I was made to cry yea roar out in bitter distress to the Lord striving not to let go my hold but to call to mind what he had before spoken Namely That those that come to him he will in no wise cast out together with the rest of the Scriptures before mentioned given in at first for my incouragement and the Lord again in this sore conflict brought in all those Scriptures afresh upon my heart and so relieved me gratiously at this time also Her second Assault But yet the tempter continued his assaults tempting me yet to cast off my confidence in the Lord as also to blaspheme God But the Lord upheld me by putting and keeping under his everlasting Armes By which I was stayed upon him trusting in him and was not left to the will of mine Enemy but was inabled still to hope in his mercy and hang upon that word of his promise He that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out then the Lord was pleased eminently to proclaim his name unto my soul The Lord the Lord God pardoning iniquity transgression and sin And thus I was inabled through his infinite mercy and by his Almighty Power to stay my self upon him by hoping still in his mercy for ever blessed be his name And the same Scriptures were kept on my heart all the first day of the week following with great life and power succouring me against Satans temptations that this day also I was assaulted with sometimes to cast away my confidence as aforesaid from thoughts of what I had been and done against Christ but the Lord inabled me to withstand that temptation also by his good word in which he had caused me to trust namely He that comes to me I will in no wise cast out As also that he would work and none should let So that I went to God through Christ desiring he would inable my soul to follow hard after him begging in order thereto that he would uphold me causing my soul to
consumed which was because he had made an everlasting Covenant on my behalf in Christ Jesus my Lord in all things well ordered and sure and that he was ever mindful of his Covenant Oh! this was sweet and this even this was the reason I was not cast off in my rebellions because he hath loved me with an everlasting love therefore with loving kindnesse hath he drawn me and that for his own name sake he deferr'd his anger that he cut me not off nor did he retain his anger for ever because mercy pleased him he delighted to be gratious The coming in of these did even satisfie my soul as with Marrow in the thoughts of his infinite Eternal unchangeable love Which I saw indeed was the reason of my not being consumed because he is God and changeth not and in his protection and infinite love and mercy my soul did now rejoyce seeing its safety under the shadow of his Wings believing I should for ever be kept by him and he would uphold me with the right hand of his righteousnesse and would never fail nor forsake me but would rest in his love The sixth day I was kept up much in the sense of love peace and joy afforded me the night before from God my gratious Father my soul still trusting in his word with which he had refreshed and supported me And still I was inabled to believe to my great comfort That his word should endure for ever from which word last mentioned I have been inabled to plead with God in my conflicts after this manner Lord thou hast promised that they that come to thee thou wilt in no wise cast out and if so then canst thou not turn away from doing thy people good but wilt according to thy good word sprinkle them with clean water and from all their idols and Iniquities thou wilt cleanse them yea thou wilt take away the stony heart and give them hearts of Flesh with thy Laws writen in them and thy fear put so into their inward parts as they shall not depart from thee this Lord is thy word in which thou hast caused my soul to trust Thus have I been inabled to plead his new Covenant-mercy to my souls support and upholding in straits blessed be his name This night I had a good nights rest and was much refresh'd on the seventh day in the morning with thoughts much enlarged upon the great good laid up by the Lord for them that fear him and had many promises presented afresh to my soul for future encouragement so that I was inabled through his grace to admire his infinite love in Jesus Christ and to have my soul fully satisfied in that onely and to testifie my satisfaction therein by desiring and endeavouring for ever to be to the praise of his rich grace made known to me by being dedicated wholly to his service Whose workmanship I am being created in Christ Jesus to good works to the end we should walk in them Giving glory and honour to Christ Who alone is worthy to receive it from us having redeemed us out of all kindreds and tongues c. and having wash'd us in his own Blood and made us Kings and Priests unto God the Father and we shall Reign for evermore I also considered it was for this end that he gave himself to redeem us that we might be a peculiar people to himself zealous of good works And to this end I desired My soul might have Fellowship with him in his death sufferings and resurrection being made conformable to him in his death and raised up and brought forth by the power of his Spirit in the Fellowship of his resurrection Fifth Assault from Satan But this seventh day at night I was again assaulted with blasphemous thoughts and tempted to slighty and low thoughts af all his grace and love made known to me And was seized with much fear as I am usually in all these conflicts lest I should be overcome and dishonour God by hearkning consenting to the suggestions of his and my Enemy But the Lord this night also was not wanting to me but did uphold me in waiting upon him inabling me to seek to him rest upon him his word in which he had caused my soul to trust And in this way he came in to me manifesting himself exceeding gratious to my relief and helped me to vanquish those temptations giving me strength against them and inabling me to speak to his praise what he had done for my soul to the end it might be recorded yet when I came this night to speak of these things that so they might be recorded I was much afraid I should not be able being much straitened and shut up but the Lord opened my heart and my mouth spake through his assistance to his praise The seventh day at night I went to bed late and when I awaked in the morning the Lord made my Meditations of him to be sweet to me causing me much still to rejoyce in the love of God my Saviour My first Meditation being of his infinite love and wisdom in finding out a way for recovering and reconciling poor lost fallen man to himself and such a way wherein mercy and truth might meet together righteousnâ—sse and peace might kâ—sse each other And this Scripture was much on my heart g 1 Joh. 1.9 If we confesse our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins And that was sweet to see it was not onely mercy but faithfulnesse and justice to forgive sins unto poor penitent sinners for the sake of Christ The Mediator between God and man in whom God saw himself and Justice fully satisfied and the poor believer might see himself fully acquitted as if he had not sinned And all this I saw as the Fruit of Christs death and resurrection he having in our stead fully discharged our debts which we else could never have satiâ—fied by whom onely we receive the Atonement I had also a far more pretious and inlarged discovery of these things then I am now able to mention with many choice Scriptures brought to my mind as to this head Namely (h) Psalm 68.18 Thou hast ascended on high Thou hast led captivity captive Thou hast received gifts for men yea for the rebellious also that the Lord God might dwell among them and that by Christ all hand-writings that were against us were taken out of the way and nailed to his Cross who hath spoiled principalities and Powers triumphing over them openly And that by him the sting of death and strength of the Law were taken away According to his good word (i) 1 Cor. 15.55 56 57. Oh Death I will be thy death O Grave I will be thy destruction The sting of death is sin and the strength of sin is the Law But thanks be to God who giveth us the Victory through our Lord â—esus Christ Oh! these Scriptures were FOOD AND STRENGTH to my soul At this time also
that he shall speak then was my heart lifted up blessing the Lord for that plentious redemption which he had let me see in Christ according to that word (u) Psalm 103. blessing him with whom there is such plentiful redemption to redeem Israel from all his iniquities who Crowneth us with loving kindnesse c. and who hath bless'd us with all Spiritual blessings in Christ having raised us and made us sit together in Heavenly places in Christ that in the ages to come he might shew what is the exceeding Riches of his grace in his kindnesse towards us in Christ who hath delivered us from the Kingdom of darknesse and hath translated us into the Kingdom of his dear Son I had also some pretious Meditations upon that great deliverance I had by Jesus Christ from the dominion of sin Satan and that greatest bondage of all to be in a natural condition and that Christ had purchased perfect liberty and freedom so that I was now made free indeed and made a partaker of the inheritance of the Saints in light Yet after all this Her eighth Assault I was again sorely assaulted and tempted to have low undervaluing thoughts of the grace of God as if it were but a poor low thing as also to blaspheme against God but the Lord did gratiously make me to cry to him for his assistance to cause my soul to resist the Devil and loath and abominate his filthy suggestions that so I might not dishonour him by hearkning or consenting thereto seeing he had promised He would never leave me nor forsake me That he would now make good his word in which he had caused me to trust and by these and many other promises he inabled me to plead with him who had said He would save to the utmost and would tread down Satan under soot shortly and that the Gates of Hell should not prevail against me All which I pleaded earnestly with him that he would still cause me to experience the truth of this his-word in which he had made my soul to hope and at length through his rich grace I was inabled to say to his praise That he was indeed a God that did never leave nor forsake them that trusted in him but did keep Covenant and mercy for ever in that he had vanquished the Devil and caused me to relie on himself by giving me Faith in that pretious promise That he would not break the bruised reed till he had brought forth Judgement unto Victory So that in the sense of his never failing nor forsaking me my soul was made now greatly to rejoyce Further Assaults from Satan The second day at evening I had many firy darts and filthy suggestions of Satan cast into me Which were exceeding terrible unto me and were born in with such violence as though the Devil strove with all his might to cause me to cast off my hopes that I had in God urging me to blaspheme God and to think meanly and lowly of the grace of God Which caused in me great fears but the Lord of his grace did not so leave me as to suffer me to cast off my confidence But great was my fears lest I should be left to dishonour him by unbelief after I had profess'd such hope in him and thereby also should wound the peace of my own soul I also considered that if I should continue in this condition my life would be a burden to me and I should have cause to repent of the Profession I had made of my hope in God thinking what a great dishonour this would be to his Name and Gospel and cause of stumbling to them who had heard me professe my hope causing them to dishonour him also But the Lord did help me through his grace to flie to him as my strong refuge with secret breathings in my soul that he would not deliver me up to the will of my Enemies but he would now remember his good word in which he had caused me to hope that those that came to him he would in no wise cast out but save to the utmost treading down Satan under the feet of such And I begg'd that he would open and inlarge my strait heart that my mouth might speak of his goodnesse to the praise of his name And the Lord did cause my soul again to experience his faithfulnesse that he is a God that keeps Covenant and mercy for ever and he did gratiously cause the Devil to flie and gave great inlargement to my soul considering how greatly it was straitened and made me able to speak to his praise and did by his good Spirit bring these things to my remembrance which I was not able to think of before and was again inabled to believe through his grace that he is a God that will keep truth for ever and that no soul that trusts in him should be desolate So that my soul was now made to say (w) Psalm 146.5 Blessed is the man that hath the God of Jacob for his help whose hope is in the Lord his God which made the Heavens the Earth the Seas and all that is in them and who keepeth truth for ever with them that fear him Blessed be his name I have been since pondering further the duty of Baptisme aforesaid and had at some times much clearnesse in it as a duty yet doubts and questions have been cast into my mind about it and thus I remained debating it in my own thoughts and consulting Scriptures about it until the twentieth day of this eleventh Moneth at night at which time I was set upon with terrible suggestions about the lownesse and meannesse of it being much tempted to despise and slight it which when I had considered caused great fears and fainting in me lest I should in my heart consent to those suggestions and thereby hinder my obedience to the Lord as aforesaid And I was enabled to lift up my soul to the Lord for help at this time against these suggestions and temptations that I might resist them and the Lord inabled me now to consider that no Command of Christ was to be accounted low or small Considering also I owed all service and obedience to the Lord both as I was his Creature but more especially as I was redeemed by him so marvellously as I have been and with so great a price as the Blood of Jesus I also thought what a sad condition Adam brought all his Posterity into by disobedience at first in but eating an Apple which was forbidden as also what a poor Creature man was and how unfit unworthy and unbecoming it was for him to be disputing with his Creator who might do with all of us as the Potter with his Clay make or marre us at his pleasure and what a proud presumptuous Creature I was to suffer such a thing to enter into my thoughts that any of his Commands should be disputed or thought by me to be low or contemptible which I looked on
herself guilty of the unpardonable sin and so a subject of the wrath of God Whch she dayly expected to be poured down upon her and was hopelesse of any deliverance notwithstanding the frequent means used by many for her relief both by fervent Prayers for her and Faithful endeavours by Christian advice and counsel to her from Pag. 1. to Pag. 19. II. A Particular discovery of the Lords manner of working on her heart by his word and Spirit convincing her of her sinful state and helping her to look unto Christ alone for Salvation notwithstanding many fears mixed with her hopes From Pag. 19. to Pag. 31. III. A discovery of several Assaults from the Tempter and gratious supplies of strength from the Lord by which she was helped to resist them and to flie unto him for refuge From Pag. 31. to Pag. 40. IV. Several pretious promises and seasonable words brought in pâ—werfully to her soul for her support and succour under several Assaults From Pag. 40. to Pag. 56. V. She is helped to consider what she shall render unto the Lord for all his benefits and special deliverances he hath wrought for her and is helped to resolve in his strength to give up her self as a living and acceptable sacrifice unto his service From Pag. 56. to the end A TABLE Containing several Texts of Scripture that were variously applied according to her state and condition as the Reader may perceive by comparing them with the several places to which this Table directs I. Scriptures made use of to increase terror in her distressed estate HEb 10.27 29. Pag. 4 Psalm 65.5 Pag. 5 Matth. 12.31 Pag. 6 Heb. 6.4 5 6. Pag. 8 Isai 57.20 21. Pag. 11 Matth. 15.26 Pag. 12 Rev. 14.11 Pag. 13 Joel 2.31 Pag. 14 II. Scriptures made use of to convince her of her sinful and sad estate COl 3.3 Pag 19 Psalm 50.23 Pag. 20 Psalm 119.155 Pag. 21 Psalm 50.16 Pag. Idem 1 Sam. 2.10 Pag. Idem III. Scriptures made use of to incourage her to wait upon the Lord in the use of means to trust in him and to follow him fully HEster 4 16. Pag. 23 2 Kings 7.4 Pag. Idem John 6.37 Pag. 30 Heb. 7.25 Pag. Idem Isai 43.13 Pag. 31 Psalm 63.8 Pag. 34 2 Cor. 5.21 Pag. 35 1 Cor. 1.30 Pag. 36 Col. 1.19 Pag. 38 Rev. 14.4 Pag. 40 IV. Several choice promises and pretious words brought powerfully to her soul for her support engaging to duty ISai. 45.17 24 25. Pag. 40 Psalm 84.11 Pag. Idem John 7.17 Pag. 41 Psalm 32.8 Pag. Idem Hosea 6.3 Pag. Idem Prov. 8.20 Pag. Idem Psalm 36.8 Pag. Idem Isai 25.6 Pag. Idem Zeph. 3.17 Pag. 45 Heb. 13.5 Pag. Idem 1 John 1.9 Pag. 49. Psalm 68.18 Pag. 50 1 Cor. 15.55 56 57. Pag. Idem Titus 3.4 5. Pag. 51 Ezekiel 16.6 Pag. Idem Gen. 3.15 Pag. Idem Psalm 34.22 Pag. 52 Isai 33.16 17. Pag. Idem Isai 26.12 Pag. Idem Prov. 10.30 Pag. Idem Prov. 10.29 Pag. 53 John 14.27 Pag. Idem John 14.19 Pag. Idem Job 5.19 Pag. Idem Isai 58.11 Pag. Idem Isai 27.3 Pag. Idem Isai 41.17 Pag. Idem Isai 55.3 Pag. 54 Malach. 3.6 Pag. 60 Psalm 31.21 Psalm 61 Isai 26.3 Pag Idem Isai 40.11 Pag Idem Isai 42.3 4. Pag. Idem Isai 9.6 Pag. 62 Acts 3.22 Pag. Idem Psalm 103.3 Pag. Idem Heb. 13.5 Pag. 55 Rom. 12.1 Pag. 73 1 Cor. 6.20 Pag. Idem V. Scriptures convincing and confirming her in the duty of Baptism and even constraining her thereunto HEb 6.12 Pag. 59 Acts 2.41 Pag. Idem Matth. 28.19 Pag. Idem Rom. 6.4 5. Pag. 60 John 14.21 Pag. 71 Isai 64 5. Pag. Idem Isai 53.5 Pag. 72 Phil. 2.7 8. Pag. Idem VI. Scriptures supporting her in the thoughts of sufferings PHil 1.29 Pag. 57 Matth. 10.37 Pag. Idem Marke 10.29 Pag. Idem 2 Cor. 4.17 18. Pag. 58 Heb. 11. Pag. Idem Psalm 71.7 Pag. 59 Rom 8.18 Pag. 72 VII Scriptures by which she was relieved against her fears under several Assaults And had her hopes of fresh supplies from the Lord increased HEb 13.5 Pag. 55 Rom. 16.20 Pag. 65 John 6.37 Pag. 30 Heb. 7.25 Pag. Idem Psalm 146.5 Pag. 66 Isai 49.10 Pag. 70 John 7.38 Pag. Idem The Reader is desired to take notice that some of the Texts in this Table are not mentioned in the Margent onely the words expressed in the Page which being but short may soon be discerned ERRATA READER SEveral Faults having escaped the Presse I have pointed out the Chief which thou art desired to take notice of viz. In the first Epistle Page 11. Line 9. read Isai 59. In the Book p. 2. l. 1. for irrecoverable re irrevocable p. 4. l. 1. r. remained p. 5. l. 3. r. made it and l. 4. re mind p. 7. l. 21. re hatred p. 22. Margent re 2 Kings 7.4 pag. 30. Margent read John 6.37