noise of the Pease after which time it lay not in the power of them all to draw out of his Chaps the Articulate Sound of one Syllable insomuch that when Panurge went about to interrogate him further Triboulet drew his Wooden Sword and would have stuck him therewith I have fished fair now quoth Panurge and brought my Pigs to a fine Market Have I not got a brave Determination of all my Doubts and a Responce in all things agreeable to the Oracle that gave it He is a great Fool that is not to be denied yet is he a greater Fool who brought him hither to me That Bolt quoth Carpalin levels point blank at me but of the three I am the greatest Fool who did impart the Secret of my Thoughts to such an Idiot Ass and Native Ninny Without putting our selves to any stir or trouble in the least quoth Pantagruel let us maturely and seriously consider and perpend the Gestures and Speech which he hath made and uttered In them veritably quoth he have I remarked and observed some excellent and notable Mysteries yea of such important and worth and weight that I shall never henceforth be astonished nor think strange why the Turks with a great deal of Worship and Reverence Honour and Respect Natural Fools equally with their Primest Doctors Mufties Divines and Prophets Did not you take heed quoth he a little before he opened his Mouth to speak what a shogging shaking and wagging his Head did keep By the approved Doctrine of the ancient Philosophers the customary Ceremonies of the most expert Magicians and the received Opinions of the learnedest Lawyers such a brangling Agitation and Moving should by us all be judged to proceed from and be quickned and suscitated by the coming and Inspiration of the Prophetizing and Fatielical Spirit which entring briskly and on a sudden into a shallow Receptacle of a debil Substance for as you know and as the Proverb shews it a little Head containeth not much Brains was the cause of that Commotion This is conform to what is avouched by the most skilful Physicians when they affirm that Shakings and Tremblings fall upon the Members of a Humane Body partly because of the Heaviness and violent Impetuosity of the Burthen and Load that is carried and other part by reason of the Weakness and Imbecillity that is in the vertue of the bearing Organ A manifest Example whereof appeareth in those who fasting are not able to carry to their Head a great Goblet full of Wine without a trembling and a shaking in the Hand that holds it This of old was accounted a Prefiguration and mystical pointing out of the Pythian Divineress who used always before the uttering of a Responce from the Oracle to shake a Branch of her Domestick Lawrel Lampridius also testifieth that the Emperor Heliogabulus to acquire unto himself the Reputation of a Sooth-sayer did on several Holy Days of prime Solemnity in the Presence of the Fanatick Rabble make the Head of his Idol by some slight within the Body thereof publickly to shake Plautus in his Asserie declareth likeways that Saurius whithersoever he walked like one quite distracted of his Wits keepeth such a furious lolling and mad-like shaking of his Head that he commonly affrighted those who casually met with him in his Way The said Author in another place shewing a Reason why Charmides shook and brangled his Head assevered that he was transported and in an Extasie Catullus after the same manner maketh mention in his Berecynthia and Atys of the place wherein the Menades Bacchical Women She Priests of the Lyaean God and demented Prophetesses carrying Ivy Boughs in their hands did shake their Heads As in the like case amongst the Gauls the guelded Priests of Cybele were wont to do in the celebrating of some Festivals which according to the sense of the ancient Theologues have from thence had their Denomination for 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 signifieth to turn round whirl about shake the Head and play the part of one that is wry-necked Semblably Titus Livius writeth that in the Solemnization time of the Bacchanalian Fobedayes at Rome both Men and Women seemed to Prophetize and Vaticinate because of an affected kind of wagging of the Head shrugging of the Shoulders and Jectigation of the whole Body which they used then most punctually For the common Voice of the Philosophers together with the Opinion of the People asserteth for an irrefragable Truth that Vaticination is seldom by the Heavens bestowed on any without the Concomitancy of a little Phrensie and a Head shaking not only when the said presaging Vertue is infused but when the Person also therewith inspired declareth and manifesteth it unto others The Learned Lawyer Iulien being asked on a time if that Slave might be truly esteemed to be healthful and in a good plight who had not only convers'd with some furious maniack and enraged People but in their Company had also prophesied yet without a Noddle-shaking Concussion answered That seeing there was no Head-wagging at the time of his Predictions he might be held for sound and compotent enough Is it not daily seen how Schoolmasters Teachers Tutors and Instructors of Children shake the Heads of their Disciples as one would do a Pot in holding it by the Lugs that by this Erection Vellication stretching and pulling their Ears which according to the Doctrine of the sage Egyptians is a Member consecrated to the Memory they may stir them up to recollect their scatter'd Thoughts bring home those Fancies of theirs which perhaps have been extravagantly roaming abroad upon strange and uncouth Objects and totally range their Judgments which possibly by disordinate Affections have been made wild to the Rule and Pattean of a wise discreet vertuous and Philosophical Discipline All which Virgil acknowledgeth to be true in the branglement of Apollo Cynthius CHAP. XLVI How Pantagruel and Panurge diversly interpret the Words of Triboulet HE says you are a Fool and what kind of Fool A mad Fool who in your old Age would enslave your self to the Bondage of Matrimony and shut your Pleasures up within a Wedlock whose Key some Ruffian carries in his Codpiece He says furthermore beware of the Monk Upon mine Honour it gives me in my mind that you will be cuckolded by a Monk Nay I will engage mine Honour which is the most precious Pawn I could have in my Possession although I were sole and peaceable Dominator over all Europe Asia and Africk that if you marry you will surely be one of the Horned Brotherhood of Vulcan Hereby may you perceive how much I do attribute to the wise Foolery of our Morosoph Triboulet The other Oracles and Responses did in the general prognosticate you a Cuckold without descending so near to the point of a particular Determination as to pitch upon what Vocation amongst the several sorts of Men he should profess who is to be the Copesmate of your Wife and Hornifyer of your proper self Thus noble Triboulet
as an Orange for as says Orpheus lib. de lapidibus and Plinius lib. ultimo it hath an erective Vertue and comfortative of the natural Member The Jâ—ct or out-standing of his Codpiece was of the length of a yard jagged and pinked and withal bagging and strouting out with the blew damask Lining after the manner of his Breeches but had you seen the fair Embroidery of the small Needle-work purl and the curiously interlaced Knots by the Goldsmiths Art set out and trimmed with rich Diamonds precious Rubies fine Turquoises costly Emeraulds and Persian Pearls You would have compared it to a fair Cornucopia or Horn of abundance such as you see in Antics or as Rhea gave to the two Nymphs Amalthea and Ida the Nurses of Iupiter And like to that Horn of Abundance it was still gallant succulent droppy sappy pithy lively always flourishing always fructifying full of Juice full of Flower full of Fruit and all manner of delight Blessed Lady 'T would have done one good to have seen it But I will tell you more of it in the Book which I have made of the Dignity of Codpieces One thing I will tell you that as it was both long and large so was it well furnished and provided within nothing like unto the Hypocritical Codpieces of some fond Wooers and Wench-courters which are stuffed only with wind to the great prejudice of the female Sex For his Shooes were taken up four hundred and six Ells of blew Crimson-velvet and were very neatly cut by parallel Lines joyned in uniform Cylinders For the soling of them were made use of Eleven hundred Hides of brown Cows shapen like the tail of a Keeling For his Coat were taken up Eighteen hundred Ells of blew Velvet died in grain embroidered in its Borders with fair Gilliflowers in the middle decked with silver Purle intermixed with plates of Gold and store of Pearls hereby shewing that in his time he would prove an especial good Fellow and singular Whip can His Girdle was made of Three hundred Ells and a half of silken Serge half white and half blew if I mistake it not His Sword was not of Valentia nor his Dagger of Saragosa for his Father could not endure these Hidalgos borrachos maranisados como diablos but he had a fair Sword made of Wood and the Dagger of boiled Leather as well painted and gilded as any Man could wish His Purse was made of the Cod of an Elephant which was given him by Herre Praecontal Proconsul of Lybia For his Gown were employed Nine thousand six hundred Ells wanting two thirds of blew Velvet as before all so diagonally purled that by true perspective issued thence an unnamed Colour like that you see in the Necks of Turtle-doves or Turkey-cocks which wonderfully rejoyceth the Eyes of the Beholders For his Bonnet or Cap were taken up Three hundred two Ells and a Quarter of white Velvet and the form thereof was wide and round of the bigness of his Head for his Father said that the Caps of the Mirabaise fashion made like the Cover of a Pasty would one time or other bring a mischief on those that wore them For his Plume he wore a fair great blew Feather plucked from an Onocrotal of the Country of Hircania the wild very prettily hanging down over his right Ear For the Jewel or broach which in his Cap he carried he had in a Cake of Gold weighing threescore and eight Marks a fair piece of Enamell'd wherein was portrayed a Man's Body with two Heads looking towards one another four Arms four Feet two Arses such as Plato in Symposio says was the mystical beginning of Man's Nature and about it was written in Ionic Letters 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 To wear about his Neck he had a golden Chain weighing Twenty five thousand and sixty three Marks of Gold the link thereof being made after the manner of great Berries amongst which were set in work green Jaspers ingraven and cut Dragon like all invironed with Beams and Sparks as King Nicepsos of old was wont to wear them and it reached down to the very bust of the rising of his Belly whereby he reaped great benefit all his life long as the Greek Physicians knew well enough For his Gloves were put in work sixteen Otters Skins and three of Laugarous or Men-eating Wolves for the bordering of them And of this stuff were they made by the appointment of the Cabalists of Sanlono As for the Rings which his Father would have him to wear to renew the ancient mark of Nobility He had on the fore-finger of his left hand a Carbuncle as big as an Ostrige's Egg inchased very daintily in Gold of the fineness of a Turkie Seraph Upon the middle finger of the same hand he had a Ring made of four Metals together of the strongest fashion that ever was seen so that the steel did not crash against the Gold nor the Silver crush the Copper All this was made by Captain Chappins and Alcofribas his Operator On the Medical Finger of his Right-hand he had a Ring made Spire-ways wherein was set a perfect baleu Ruby a pointed Diamond and a Poison Emerauld of an inestimable Value for Hans-carvel the King of Milinda's Jeweller esteemed them at the rate of Threescore nine Millions eight hundred ninety four thousand and eighteen French Crowns of Berrie and at so much did the Iews of Auspurg prize them CHAP. IX The Colours and Liveries of Gargantua GArgantua's Colours were White and Blew as I have shewed you before by which his Father would give us to understand that his Son to him was a heavenly Joy for the White did signifie Gladness Pleasure Delight and Rejoicing and the Blew Celelestial things I know well enough that in reading this you laugh at the old Toaper and hold this Exposition of Colours to be very extravagant and utterly disagreeable to reason because White is said to signifie Faith and Blew Constancy But without moving vexing heating or putting you in a chase for the Weather is dangerous answer me if it please you for no other compulsory way of arguing will I use towards you or any else only now and then I will mention a word or two of my Bottle What is it that induceth you What stirs you up to believe or who told you that White signifieth Faith and Blew Constancy An old paultry Book say you sold by the hawking Pedlars and Balladmongers Entituled The Blason of Colours Who made it Whoever it was he was wise in that he did not set his Name to it I know not what I should rather admire in him his Presumption or his Folly His Presumption for that he should without Reason without Cause or without any appearance of Truth have dared to prescribe by private Authority what things should be denoted and signified by the Colour Which is the Custom of Tyrants who will have their Will to bear sway instead of Equity and not of the Wise and Learned who with the
Tent under a precious stately Canopy within a glorious and sublime Pavilion or yet on a soft Couch betwixt rich Curtains of Cloth of Gold without affrightment at long intermediate Respits enjoying of Pleasures and Delights a Belly-full all at great ease with a huge fly-flap Fan of Crimson Sattin and a Bunch of Feathers of some East-Indian Ostrich serving to give Chace unto the Flyes all round about whilst in the Interim the Female picks her Teeth with a stiff Straw pick'd even then from out of the bottom of the Bed she lies on If you be not content with this my Exposition are you of the mind that my Wife will suck and sup me up as People use to gulp and swallow Oysters out of the Shell Or as the Cilician Women according to the Testimony of Dioscorides were wont to do the Grain of Alkermes Assuredly that is an Error Who seizeth on it doth neither gulch up nor swill down but takes away what hath been packed up catcheth snatcheth and plies the Play of Hey pass Repass The Fourth Article doth imply That my Wife will flay me but not at all O the fine Word You interpret this to beating Strokes and Blows Speak wisely Will you eat a Pudding Sir I beseech you to raise up your Spirits above the low-sized pitch of earthly Thoughts unto that hight of sublime Contemplation which reacheth to the Apprehension of the Mysteries and Wonders of Dame Nature And here be pleased to condemn your self by a renouncing of those Errors which you have committed very grosly and somewhat perversly in expounding the Prophetick Sayings of the Holy Sybil. Yet put the case albeit I yield not to it that by the Instigation of the Devil my Wife should go about to wrong me make me a Cuckold downwards to the very Breech disgrace me otherways steal my Goods from me yea and lay violently her Hands upon me she nevertheless should fail of her Attempts and not attain to the proposed end of her unreasonable Undertakings The Reason which induceth me hereto is grounded totally on this last Point which is extracted from the profoundest Privacies of a Monastick Pantheology as good Friar Arther Wagtaile told me once upon a Monday morning as we were if I have not forgot eating a Bushel of Trotter-pies and I remember well it rained hard God give him the good Morrow The Women at the beginning of the World or a little after conspired to flay the Men quick because they found the Spirit of Mankind inclined to domineer it and bear rule over them upon the face of the whole Earth and in pursuit of this their Resolution promised confirmed sworn and covenanted amongst them all by the pure Faith they owe to the nocturnal Sanct Rogero But O the vain Enterprises of Women O the great Fragility of that Sex Feminine They did begin to flay the Man or pill him as says Catullus at that Member which of all the Body they loved best to wit the nervous and cavernous Cane and that above five thousand years ago yet have they not of that small part alone flayed any more till this hour but the Head In meer despite whereof the Iews snip off that parcel of the Skin in Circumcision choosing far rather to be called Clip-yards Raskals than to be flayed by Women as are other Nations My Wife according to this Female Covenant will flay it to me if it be not so already I heartily grant my Consent thereto but will not give her leave to flay it all Nay truly will I not my noble King Yea but quoth Epistemon you say nothing of her most dreadful Cries and Exclamations when she and we both saw the Lawrel-bough burn without yielding any noise or crackling You know it is a very dismal Omen an inauspicious sign unlucky judice and token formidable bad disastrous and most unhappy as is certified by Propertius Tibullus the quick Philosopher Porphyrius Eustachius on the Iliads of Homer and by many others Verily verily quoth Panurge brave are the Allegations which you bring me and Testimonies of two-footed Calves These Men were Fools as they were Poets and Dotards as they were Philosophers full of Folly as they were of Philosophy CHAP. XIX How Pantagruel praiseth the Counsel of Dumb Men. PAntagruel when this Discourse was ended held for a pretty while his Peace seeming to be exceeding sad and pensive then said to Panurge the malignant Spirit misleads beguileth and seduceth you I have read that in times past the surest and most veritable Oracles were not those which either were delivered in Writing or utter'd by word of Mouth in speaking For many times in their Interpretation right witty learned and ingenious Men have been deceived thro' Amphibolories Equivoks and Obscurity of Words no less than by the brevity of their Sentences For which cause Apollo the God of Vaticination was Surnamed 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Those which were represented then by Signs and outward Gestures were accounted the truest and the most infallible Such was the Opinion of Heraclitus And Iupitur did himself in this manner give forth in Amon frequently Predictions Nor was he single in this Practice for Apollo did the like amongst the Assyrians His prophesying thus unto those People moved them to paint him with a large long Beard and Cloaths beseeming an old setled Person of a most posed stayed and grave Behaviour not naked young and beardless as he was pourtrayed most usually amongst the Graecians Let us make trial of this kind of Fatidicency and go you take Advice of some dumb Person without any speaking I am content quoth Panurge But says Pantagruel it were requisite that the Dumb you consult with be such as have been deaf from the hour of their Nativity and consequently dumb for none can be so lively natural and kindly dumb as he who never heard How is it quoth Panurge that you conceive this matter If you apprehend it so that never any spoke who had not before heard the Speech of others I will from that Antecedent bring you to infer very logically a most absurd and paradoxical Conclusion But let it pass I will not insist on it You do not then believe what Herodotus wrote of two Children who at the special Command and Appointment of Psammeticus King of Egypt having been kept in a petty Country Cottage where they were nourished and entertained in a perpetual silence did at last after a certain long space of time pronounce this word Bee which in the Phrygian Language signifieth Bread Nothing less quoth Pantagruel do I believe than that it is a meer abusing of our Understandings to give Credit to the words of those who say that there is any such thing as a Natural Language All Speeches have had their primary Origin from the Arbitrary Institutions Accords and Agreements of Nations in their respective Condescendments to what should be noted and betokened by them An Articulate Voice according to the Dialecticians hath naturally no signification at all for
was eating and drinking And indeed that is the fitâ—est and most proper hour wherein to write these high Matters and deep Sciences as Homer knew very well the Paragon of all Philologues and Ennius the Father of the Latin Poets as Horace calls him although a certain sneaking Iobernol objected that his Verses savour'd more of the Wine than of the Oil. A certain Addle-headed Cocks-comb saith the same of my Books but a turd for him The fragrant Odour of the Wine Oh how much more sparkling warming charming celestial and delicious it is than of Oil And I will glory as much when it is said of me that I have spent more on Wine than Oil as did Demosthenes when it was told him That his Expence on Oil was greater than on Wine I truly held it for an honour to be called and reputed a good Fellow a pleasant Companion or Merry Andrew for under this name am I welcom in all choice Companies of Pantagruelists It was upbraided to Demosthenes by an envious surly Knave that his Orations did smell like the Sarpler or Clout that had stopped a musty Oil Vessel Therefore I pray interpret you all my Deeds and Sayings in the perfectest Sense reverence the Cheese-like brain that feeds you with all these jolly Maggots and do what lies in you to keep me alwaies merry Be frolic now my Lads chear up your Hearts and joyfully read the rest with all the Ease of your Body and Comfort to your Reins But hearken jolt-Ioltheads O dickens take ye off with your Bumper I will do you Reason pull away Supernaculum TO THE READER RAbelais had studied much and look'd about And found the World not worth one serious Thought So Reader howsoever pert thou art Take this along he lays it not to heart Before-hand with you here he reads your doom And damns Mankind past present and to come Be Knaves or Fools that either squint or drivel Blindfold he throws and gives you to the Devil He saw what beastly farce this World was grown That Sence and all Humanity were gone Reason from thee that never was his care He wou'd as soon chop Logic with a Bear But for the Laughing part he bids thee strain Laugh only so to shew thy self a Man CHAP. I. Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of GARGANTUA I Must refer you to the great Chronicle of Pantagruel for the knowledge of that Genealogy and Antiquity of Race by which Gargantua is descended unto us In it you may understand more at large how the Giants were born in this World and how from them by a direct Line issued Gargantua the Father of Pantagruel And do not take it ill if for this time I pass by it although the Subject be such that the oftner it were rememb'red the more it would please your Worships According to the Authority of Plato in Philebo and Gorgias and of Flaccus who says That there is some kind of Matters such as these are without doubt which the frequentlier they be repeated still prove the more delectable Would to God every one had as certain knowledge of his Genealogy siâ—ce the time of the Ark of Noah until this Age. I think many are at this Day Emperors Kings Dukes Princes and Popes on the Earth whose Extraction is from some Porters and Pardon-pedlars as on the contrary many are now poor wandring Beggars wretched and miserable who are descended of the Blood and Lineage of great Kings and Emperors occasioned as I conceive it by the Revolution of Kingdoms and Empires From the Assyrians to the Medes From the Medes to the Persians From the Persians to the Macedonians From the Macedonians to the Romans From the Romans to the Greeks From the Greeks to the Franks And to give you some hints concerning my self who speak unto you I cannot think but I am come of the Race of some rich King or Prince in former Times for never yet saw you any Man that had a greater desire to be a King and to be rich than I have and to the end only that I may make good Chear do nothing nor care for any thing and plentifully enrich my Friends and all honest and learned Men But herein do I comfort my self that in the other World I shall be all this yea and greater too than at this present I dare wish As for you with the same or a better conceit enjoy your selves in your distresses and drink fresh if you can come by it But returning to our Subject I say that by the especial care of Heaven the Antiquity and Genealogy of a Gargantua hath been reserved for our use more full and perfect than any other except that of the Messias whereof I mean not to speak for it belongs not unto my Province and the Devils that is to say the false Accusers and Church-vermin will be upon my Jacket This Genealogy was found by Iohn Andrew in a Meadow which he had near the Pole-arch under the Olive-tree as you go to Marsay Where as they were casting up some Ditches the diggers with their Mattocks struck against a great brazen Tomb unmeasurably along for they could never find the end thereof by reason that it entred too far within the Sluces of Vienne Opening this Tomb in a certain place thereof sealed on the top with the mark of a Goblet about which was written in Hetrurian Letters HIC BIBITVR they found nine Flaggons set in such order as they use to rank their Kyles in Gascony of which that which was placed in the middle had under it a big greasie great grey jolly small moudy little Pamphlet smelling stronger but no better then Roses In that Book the said Genealogy was found written all at length in a Chancery hand not in Paper not in Parchment nor in wax but in the Bark of an Elm-tree yet so worn with the long tract of time that hardly could three Letters together be there perfectly discerned I though unworthy was sent for thither and with much help of those Spectacles whereby the art of reading dim Writings and Letters that do not clearly appear to the sight is practised as Aristotle teacheth it did translate the Book as you may see in your Pantagruelising that is to say in drinking stifly to your own hearts desire and reading the dreadful and horrific Acts of Pantagruel At the end of the Book there was a little Treatise entituled the Antidoted Conundrums The Rats and Moths or that I may not lye other wicked Vermin had nimbed off the beginning the rest I have hereto subjoyned for the Reverence I bear to Antiquity CHAP. II. THE Antidoted Conundrums Found in an ancient Monument ....... The Cymbrians overcomer Pass thr ... the Air to shun the dew of Summer ... At his coming ... great Tubs were fill'd .... Fresh Butter down in showers distill'd ..... His Grandam overwhelm'd so hey Aloud he cry'd ............ His Whiskers all beray'd to make him madder So bang'd the Pitcher till they rear'd the Ladder To lick
do here let him be carried to Prison for troubling the Divine Service Nay said the Monk the Wine Service let us behave our selves so that it be not troubled for you your self my Lord Prior love to drink of the best and so doth every honest Man Never yet did a Man of worth dislike good Wine it is a monastical Apophthegm But these Responses that you chant here by G are not in Season Wherefore is it that our Devotions were instituted to be short in the time of Harvest and Vintage and long in the Advent and all the Winter The late Friar Messepelosse of good memory a true zealous Man or the Devil take me of our Religion told me and I remember it well how the reason was That in this Season we might press and make the Wine and in Winter whiff it up Hark you my Masters you that love the Wine Cops Body follow me for Sanct Anthony burn me as freely as a Fagot if they taste one drop of the Liquor that will not now come and fight in defence of the Vine Hogs Belly the Goods of the Church Ha no no What the Devil would have Sanct Thomas of England died for them if I die shall not I be a Sanct likewise Yet will not I die for all this but send others a-packing As he spake this he threw off his great Monks habit and laid hold upon the staff of the Cross which was made of the Heart of a Sorbaple-tree it being of the length of a Lance round of a full gripe and a little powder'd with Flower de luce almost all defac'd and worn out Thus went he out in a fair long-skirted Jacket putting his Frock scarfways athwart his Breast and with his staff of the Cross laid on so lustily upon his Enemies who without any Order or Ensign or Trumpet or Drum were busied in gathering the Grapes of the Vineyard for the Cornets Guidons and Ensign-bearers had laid down their Standards Banners and Colours by the Wall-sides The Drummers had knock'd out the Heads of their Drums on one end to fill them with Grapes The Trumpeters were loaded with great Bundles of Bunches and huge knots of Clusters In summ every one of them was out of array and all in disorder He hurried therefore upon them so rudely without crying gare or beware that he overthrew them like Hogs tumbled them over like Swine striking athwart and alongst and by one means or other laid so about him after the old fashion of Fencing that to some he beat out their Brains to others he crushed their Arms batter'd their Legs and bethwack'd their sides till their Ribs crack'd with it to others again he unjointed the Spondyles of the Neck disfigured their Chaps gash'd their Faces made their Cheeks hang flapping over their Chin and so swing'd and belammed them that they fell down before him like Hay before a Mower To some others he spoiled the frame of their Kidneys marr'd their Backs broke their Thigh bones pash'd in their Noses poach'd out their Eyes cleft their Mandibules tore their Jaws dung in their Teeth into their Throat shook asunder their Omoplates or Shoulder-blade sphacelated their Shins mortified their Shanks inflamed their Ankles heaved off of the Hinges their Ishies their Sciatica or Hip-gout dislocated the Joints of their Knees squatter'd into pieces the boughts or pestles of their Thighs and so thump'd mawl'd and be labour'd them every where that never was corn so thick and threefold thresh'd upon by Plowmens Flails as were the pitifully disjointed Members of their mangled Bodies under the merciless baton of the cross If any offer'd to hide himself amongst the thickest of the Vines he laid him squat as a Flounder bruised the Ridge of his Back and dash'd his Reins like a Dog If any thought by flight to escape he made his Head to fly in pieces by the Lambdoidal commissure If any one did scramble up into a Tree thinking there to be safe he rent up his Perinee and impaled him in at the Fundament If any one of his old acquaintance happened to cry out Ha Friar Iohn my Friend Friar Iohn quarter quarter I yield my self to you to you I render my self So thou shalt said he per force and thy Soul to all the Devils in Hell then suddenly gave them Dronos If any was so rash and full of temerity as to resist him to his Face then was it he did shew the strength of his Muscles for without more ado he did transpierce him by running him in at the Breast through the mediastine and the Heart Others again he so quash'd and be bump'd that with a sound bounce under the hollow of their short Ribs he overturn'd their Stomachs so that they died immediately To some with a smart souse on the Epigaster he would make their Midrif swag then redoubling the blow gave them such a home push on the Navel that he made their Puddings to gush out To others through their Ballocks he pierced their Bum-gut and left not Bowel Tripe nor Intral in their Body that had not felt the impetuosity fierceness and fury of his Violence Believe that it was the most horrible Spectacle that ever one saw Some cried unto Sanct Barbe others to St. George O the holy Lady Nytouch said one the good Sanctess O our Lady of Succors said another help help Others cried Our Lady of Cunaut of Loretta of good Tidings on the other side of the Water St. Mary over some vowed a Pilgrimage to St. Iames and others to the holy Handkerchief at Chamberry which three Month after that burnt so well in the fire that they could not get one thread of it saved Others sent up their Vows to St. Cadouin others to St. Iohn d' Angelie and to St. Eutropius of Xantes Others again invoked St. Mesmes of Chinon St. Martin of Candes St. Clouod of Sinays the holy Relics of Laurezay with a Thousand other jolly little Sancts and Santrels Some died without speaking others spoke without dying some died in speaking others spoke in dying Others shouted aloud Confession Confession Confiteor miserere in manus So great was the cry of the wounded that the Prior of the Abbey with all his Monks came forth who when they saw these poor Wretches so slain amongst the Vines and wounded to death confessed some of them But whilst the Priests were busied in confessing them the little Monkeys ran all to the place where Friar Iohn was and asked him wherein he would be pleased to require their assistance To which he answer'd that they should cut the Throats of those he had thrown down upon the ground They presently leaving their outer Habits and Cowls upon the Rails began to throttle and make an end of those whom he had already crushed Can you tell with what Instruments they did it with fair Gulliâ—s which are little â—uâ—ch-back'd Demi-knives wherewith the little Boys in our Country cut ripe Walnuts in two In the mean time Friar Iohn with his
most nimbly with his short Sword by his Thigh shifting his feet in the stirrup performed the stirrup-leather feat whereby after the inclining of his Body downwards he forthwith launch'd himself aloft in the Air and placed both his Feet together on the Saddle standing upright with his back turned towards the Horse's head Now said he my case goes backward Then suddenly in the same very posture wherein he was he fetched a gambole upon one foot and turning to the left hand failed not to carry his Body perfectly round just into its former stance without missing one jot Ha said Tripet I will not do that at this time and not without cause Well said Gymnast I have failed I will undo this leap Then with a marvellous strength and agility turning towards the right hand he fetch'd another frisking gambole as before which done he set his right hand thumb upon the hind bow of the Saddle raised him up and sprung in the Air poising and upholding his whole Body upon the Muscle and Nerve of the said Thumb and so turned and whirled himself about three times At the fourth reversing his Body and overturning it upside down and foreside back without touching any thing he brought himself betwixt the Horse's two Ears springing with alâ— his Body into the Air upon the Thumb of his left Hand and in that posture turning like a Wind-mill did most actively do that trick which is called the Millâ—r's Pass After this clapping his right Hand flat upon the middle of the Saddle he gave himself such a jerking swing that he thereby seated himself upon the Crupper after the manner of Gentlewomen This done he easily past his right Leg over the Saddle and placed himself like one that rides in Croup But said he it were better for me to get into the Saddle then putting the Thumbs of both Hands upon the Crupper before him and thereupon leaning himself as upon the only Supporters of his Body he incontinently turned heels over Head in the Air and streight found himself betwixt the bow of the Saddle in a good seat Then with a Summer-sault springing into the Air again he fell to stand with both his Feet close together upon the Saddle and there made above a hundred frisks turns and demi-pommads with his Arms held out across and in so doing cried out aloud I rage I rage Devils I am stark mad Devils I am mad hold me Devils hold me hold Devils hold hold Whilst he was thus vaulting the Rogues in great astonishment said to one another By Cocks death he is a Goblin or a Devil thus disguised Ab hoste maligno libera nos Domine and ran away as in a total rout looking now and then behind them like a Dog that had stoln a Pudding Then Gymnast spying his advantage alighted from his Horse drew his Sword and laid on great Blows upon the thickest and highest crested amongst them and overthrew them in great heaps hurt wounded and bruised being resisted by no body they thinking he had been a starved Devil as well in regard of his wonderful feats in vaulting which they had seen as for the Talk Tripet had with him calling him poor Devil Only Tripet would have traiterously cleft his head with his Fauchion but he was well armed and felt nothing of the Blow but the weight of the stroke whereupon turning suddenly about he gave Tripet a home thrust and upon the back of that whilst he was about to ward his Head from a slash he ran him in at the Breast with a hit which at once cut his Stomach the Colon and the half of his Liver wherewith he fell to the ground and in falling gushed forth above four Pottles of Pottage and his Soul mingled with the Pottage This done Gymnast withdrew himself very wisely considering that a case of great adventure and hazard should not be pursued unto its utmost period and that it becomes all Cavaliers modestly to use their good Fortune without troubling or stretching it too far Wherefore getting to Horse he gave him the Spur taking the right way unto Vauguyon and Prelingot with him CHAP. XXXVI How Gargantua demolished the Castle at the Ford of Vede and how they past the Ford. AS soon as he came thither he related the Estate and Condition wherein they had found the Enemy and the Stratagem which he alone had used against all their multitude affirming that they were but rascally Rogues Plunderers Thieves and Robbers ignorant of all military Discipline and that they might boldly set forward unto the Field it being an easie matter to fell and strike them down like Beasts then Gargantua mounted his great Mare accompanied as we have said before and finding in his way a high and great Tree which commonly was called St. Martin's Tree because heretofore St. Martin planted a Pilgrim's staff there which grew to that height and greatness said This is that which I lacked this Tree shall serve me both for a Staff and Lance With that he pulled it up easily plucked it off the Boughs and trimed it at his pleasure In the mean time his Mare pissed to ease her Belly but it was in such abundance that it did overflow the Country Seven Leagues and all the flood ran glib away towards the Ford of Vede wherewith the Water was so swollen that all the Forces the Enemy had there were with great horror drowned except some who had taken the way on the left hand towards the Hills Gargantua being come to the Wood of Vede was informed by Eudemon that there was some remainder of the Enemy within the Castle which to know Gargantua cried out as loud as he was able Are you there or are you not there If you be there be there no more and if you be not there I have no more to say But a Ruffian Gunner at the Portcullis let fly a Cannot-ball at him and hit him with that shot most furiously on the right Temple of his head yet did him no more hurt then if he had but cast a Grape-stone at him What is this said Gargantua do yo throw at us Grape-stones here The Vintage shall cost you dear thinking indeed that the Bullet had been the stone of a Grape Those who were within the Castle being till then busie at the pillage when they heard this noise ran to the Towers and Fortresses from whence they shot at him above Nine thousand and five and twenty Falcon-shot and Harcabusades aiming all at his Head and so thick did they shoot at him that he cried out Ponocrates my Friend These Flies are like to put out mine Eyes give me a Branch of those Willow-trees to drive them away thinking that the Bullets and Stones shot out of the great Ordnance had been but Dun-flies Ponocrates looked and saw there were no other Flies but great shot which they had shot from the Castle Then was it that he rusht with his great Tree against the Castle and with mighty blows overthrew
both Towers and Fortresses and laid all level with the Ground by which means all that were within were slain and broken in pieces Going from thence they came to the Bridge at the Mill where they found all the Ford covered with dead Bodies so thick that they had choaked up the Mill and stopped the current of its Water and these were those that were destroyed in the Urinal Deluge of the Mare There they were at a stand consulting how they might pass without hindrance by these dead Carcasses But Gymnast said If the Devils have past there I will pass well enough The Devils have past there said Eudemon to carry away the damned Souls By St. Rhenian said Ponocrates then by necessary consequence he shall pass there Yes yes said Gymnastes or I shall stick in the way Then setting Spurs to his Horse he past through freely his Horse not fearing nor being any ways affrighted at the sight of the dead Bodies For he had accustomed him according to the Doctrin of Aelian not to fear Armour nor the Carcasses of dead Men and that not by killing Men as Diomedes did the Thracians or as Vlysses did in throwing the Corpses of his Enemies at his Horses feet as Homer saith but by putting a Iack a-lent amongst his hay and making him go over it ordinarily when he gave him his Oats The other three followed him very close except Eudemon only whose Horses far fore-foot sank up to the Knee in the Paunch of a great fat Chuff who lay there upon his back drowned and could not get it out There was he pester'd until Gargantua with the end of his Staff thrust down the rest of the Villain 's Tripes into the Water whilst the Horse pulled out his Foot and which is a wonderful thing in Hippiatry the said Horse was throughly cured of a Ringbone which he had in that Foot by this touch of the burst guts of that great Looby CHAP. XXXVII How Gargantua in combing his Head made the great Cannon-ball fall out of his Hair HAving got over the River of Vede they came very shortly after to Grangousier's Castle who waited for them with great longing at their coming there was such Hugging and Embracing never was seen a more joyful Company for Supplementum supplementi Chronicorum saith that Gargamelle died there with joy For my part truly I cannot tell neither do I care very much for her nor for any body else The truth was that Gargantua in shifting his Clothes and combing his Head with a Comb Nine hundred Foot long and the teeth all Tusks of Elephants whole and entire he made fall at every rake above seven Balls that stuck in his Hair at the razing of the Castle at the Wood of Vede Which his Father Grangousier seeing thought they had been Lice and said unto him What my dear Son hast thou brought us thus far some short-winged Hawks of the College of Montague I did not mean that thou shouldst reside there Then answered Ponocrates My Sovereign Lord think not that I have placed him in that lowsie College which they call Montague I had rather have put him amongst the Grave-diggers of Sanct Innocent so enormous is the Cruelty and Villainy that I have known there for the Gally-slaves are far better used amongst the Moors and Tartars the Murtherers in the criminal Dungeons yea the very Dogs in your House then are poor wretched Students in the aforesaid College And were I King of Paris the Devil take me if I would not set it on fire and burn both Principal and Regents for suffering this Inhumanity to be exercised before their Eyes Then taking up one of these Bullets he said these are Cannon-shot which your Son Gargantua hath lately received by the Treachery of your Enemies as he was passing before the Wood of Vede But they have been so rewarded that they are all destroyed in the Ruin of the Castle as were the Philistines by the Policy of Sampson and those whom the Tower of Silohim slew as it is written Luc. 13. My opinion is that we pursue them whilst the luck is on our side for Occasion hath all her Hair on her Forehead when she is past you may not recal her she is bald in the hind part of her Head and never returneth again Truly said Grangousier it shall not be at this time for I will make you a Feast this Night and bid you welcom This said they made ready Supper and of extraordinary besides his daily fare were roasted sixteen Oxen three Heifers two and thirty Calves threescore and three fat Kids fourscore and fifteen Wethers three hundred Barrow-pigs sowced in sweet Wine eleven-score Partridges seven hundred Snites and Woodcocks four hundred Loudon and Cornwal-Capons six thousand Pullets and as many Pigeons six hundred crammed Hens fourteen hundred Liverets three hundred and three Buzzards and one thousand and seven hundred Cockrels For Venison they could not so suddenly come by it only eleven wild Boars which the Abbot of Turpenay sent and eighteen fallow Deer which the Lord of Gramount bestowed together with sevenscore Phesants which were sent by the Lord of Essars and some dozens of Queests Coushots Ring-doves and Woodculvers River-fowl Teals and Awteals Bittorns Courtes Plovers Francolins Briganders Tyrasons young Lapwings tame Ducks Shovelers Woodlanders Herons Moor-Hens Criels Storks Canepetiers Oronges Flamans which are Phaenicopters Terrigoles Turkies Arbens Coots Solingeese Curlews Termagants and Water-wagtails with a great deal of Cream Curds and fresh Cheese and store of Soupe Pottages and Brewis with variety Without doubt there was meat enough and it was handsomly drest by Snapsauce Hotchpot and Brayverjuice Grangousier's Cooks Ieken Trudg apace and Clean-glass were very careful to fill them drink CHAP. XXXVIII How Gargantua did eat up six Pilgrims in a Sallet THE Story requireth that we relate which happened unto six Pilgrims who came from Sebastian near to Nantes and who for shelter that night being afraid of the Enemy had hid themselves in the Garden upon the chichling Pease among the Cabbages and Lettices Gargantua finding himself somewhat dry asked whether they could get any Lettice to make him a Sallet and hearing that there were the greatest and fairest in the Country for they were as great as Plum-trees or as Walnut-trees he would go thiâ—her himself and brought thence in his hand what he thought good and withal carried away the six Pilgrims who were in so great fear they did not dare to speak nor cough Washing them therefore first at the Fountain the Pilgrims said one to another softly What shall we do we are almost drowned here amongst these Lettice shall we speak But if we speak he will kill us for Spies And as they were thus deliberating what to do Gargantua put them with the Lettice into a platter of the House as large as the huge Tun of the Cisterâ—ians which done with Oil Vinegar and Salt he eat them up to refresh himself a little before Supper and had already
me from Point to Point according to the real Truth or else by Cocks Body if I find you to lie so much as in one word I will make you shorter by the Head and take it from off your Shoulders to shew others by your Example that in Justice and Judgment Men ought to speak nothing but the Truth therefore take heed you do not add nor impair any thing in the Narration of your Case Begin CHAP. XI How the Lords of Kissebreech and Suckfist did plead before Pantagruel without Advocates THen began Kissebreech in manner as followeth My Lord it is true that a good Woman of my House carried Eggs to the Market to sell. Be covered Kissebreech said Pantagruel Thanks to you my Lord said the Lord Kissebreech But to the purpose There passed betwixt the two Tropicks the Sum of three Pence towards the Zenith and a half-penny forasmuch as the Riphâ—an Mountains had been that Year opprest with a great Sterility of counterfeit Gudgions and shews without Substance by means of the babling Tattle and fond Fibs seditiously raised between the Gibblegablers and Accursian Gibberish-mongers for the Rebellion of the Swissers who had assembled themselves to the full number of the Bum-bees and Myrmidons to go a handsel-getting on the first Day of the new Year at that very time when they give Brewis to the Oxen and deliver the Key of the Coals to the Country-girls for serving in of the Oats to the Dogs All the Night long they did nothing else keeping their Hands still upon the Pot but dispatch Bulls a-foot and Bulls a-horseback to stop the Boats for the Tailors and Sales-men would have made of the stollen Shreds a goodly Sagbut to cover the face of the Ocean which then was great with Child of a Potful of Cabbidge according to the Opinion of the Hay-bundle-makers but the Physicians said that by the Urine they could discern no manifest Sign of the Bustard's Pace nor how to eat double-tongued Mattocks with Mustard unless the Lords and Gentlemen of the Court should be pleased to give by B. mol express command to the Pox not to run about any longer in gleaning up of Copper-smiths and Tinkers for the Jobernolls had already a pretty good beginning in their Dance of the British Gig called the Estrindore to a perfect Diapason with one Foot in the Fire and their Head in the middle as good Man Ragot was wont to say Ha my Masters God moderates all things and disposeth of them at his Pleasure so that against unlucky Fortune a Carter broke his frisking Whip which was all the Wind-Instrument he had this was done at his return from the little paultry Town even then when Master Amitus of Cresseplots was licentiated and had past his Degrees in all Dullery and Blockishness according to this Sentence of the Canonists Beati Dunces quoniam ipsi stumblaverunt But that which makes Lent to be so high by St. Fiacre of Bry is for nothing else but that the Pentecost never comes but to my cost yet on afore there hoe a little Rain stills a great Wind and we must think so seeing that the Serjeant hath propounded the Matter so far above my reach that the Clerks and Secondaries could not with the Benefit thereof lick their Fingers feathered with Gaunders so orbicularly as they were wont in other things to do And we do manifestly see that every one acknowledgeth himself to be in the Error wherewith another hath been charged reserving only those Cases whereby we are obliged to take an ocular Inspection in a prospective Glass of these things towards the place in the Chimney where hangeth the Sign of the Wine of forty Girths which have been always accounted very necessary for the number of twenty Panels and Pack-saddles of the bankrupt Protectionaries of five Years respit howsoever at least he that would not let fly the Fowl before the Cheese-cakes ought in Law to have discovered his Reason why not for the Memory is often lost with a wayward Shooing Well God keep Theobald Mitain from all danger Then said Pantagruel Hold there Ho my Friend soft and fair speak at leisure and soberly without putting your self in choler I understand the Case go on Now then my Lord said Kissebreech the foresaid good Woman saying her gaudez and audinos could not cover her self with a treacherous Back-blow ascending by the Wounds and Passions of the Privileges of the University unless by the Virtue of a Warming-pan she had angelically fomented every part of her Body in covering them with a Hedg of Garden-Beds then giving in a swift unavoidable Thrust very near to the place where they sell the old Rags whereof the Painters of Flanders make great use when they are about neatly to clap on Shoes on Grashoppers Locusts Cigals and such like Fly-fowls so strange to us that I am wonderfully astonished why the World doth not lay seeing it is so good to hatch Here the Lord of Suckfist would have interrupted him and spoken somewhat whereupon Pantagruel said unto him St by St. Anthony's Belly doth it become thee to speak without Command I sweat here and crack my Brain to understand the Proceeding of your mutual Difference and yet thou comest to trouble and disquiet me Peace in the Devil's Name Peace thou shalt be permitted to speak thy Belly-full when this Man hath done and no sooner Go on said he to Kissebreech speak calmly and do not over-heat your self with too much haste I perceiving then said Kissebreech that the pragmatical Sanction did make no mention of it and that the holy Pope to every one gave liberty to fart at his own ease if that the Blankets had no Streaks wherein the Liars were to be crossed with a Ruffian-like Crew and the Rain-bow being newly sharpned at Milan to bring forth Larks gave his full consent that the good Woman should tread down the Heel of the Hipgut-pangs by virtue of a solemn Protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted Fishes which to tell the truth were at that time very necessary for understanding the Syntax and Construction of old Boots Therefore Iohn Calfe her Cousin-gervais once removed with a Log from the Woodstack very seriously advised her not to put her self into the hazard of quagswagging in the Lee to be scoured with a buck of Linen Clothes till first she had kindled the Paper this Counsel she laid hold on because he desired her to take nothing and throw out for Non de ponte vadit qui cum sapientia cadit Matters thus standing seeing the Members of that Committee did not fully agree amongst themselves in casting up the number of the Almany Whistles whereof were framed those Spectacles for Princes which have been lately printed at Antwerp I must needs think that it makes a bad return of the Writ and that the adverse Party is not to be believed in sacer verbo dotis For that having a great Desire to obey the Pleasure of the King I armed my self
Head cut off was finely healed by Panurge and of the News which he brought from the Devils and damned People in Hell THis Gigantal Victory being ended Pantagruel withdrew himself to the place of the Flagons and called for Panurge and the rest who came unto him safe and sound except Eusthenes whom one of the Giants had scratched a little in the Face whilst he was about the cutting of his Throat and Epistemon who appeared not at all Whereat Pantagruel was so aggrieved that he would have killed himself But Panurge said unto him Nay Sir stay a while and we will search for him amongst the Dead and find out the truth of all Thus as they went seeking after him they found him stark dead with his Head between his Arms all bloody Then Eusthenes cried out Ah cruel Death hast thou taken from me the perfectest amongst Men At which words Pantagruel rose up with the greatest Grief that ever any Man did see and said to Panurge Ha my Friend the Prophecy of your two Glasses and the Javelin Staff was a great deal too deceitful But Panurge answered My dear Bullies all weep not one drop more for he being yet all hot I will make him as sound as ever he was In saying this he took the Head and held it warm fore-gainst his Cod-piece that the Wind might not enter into it Eusthenes and Carpalin carried the Body to the place where they had banqueted not out of any hope that ever he would recover but that Pantagruel might see it Nevertheless Panurge gave him very good comfort saying If I do not heal him I will be content to lose my Head which is a Fool 's Wager leave off therefore crying and help me Then cleansed he his Neck very well with pure White-wine and after that took his Head and into it synapised some Powder of Diamerdis which he always carried about him in one of his Bags Afterwards he anointed it with I know not what Ointment and set it on very just Vein against Vein Sinew against Sinew and Spondyle against Spondyle that he might not be Wry-necked for such People he mortally hated this done he gave it round about some fifteen or sixteen Stitches with a Needle that it might not fall off again then on all sides and every where he put a little Ointment on it which he called Resuscitative Suddenly Epistemon began to breath then opened his Eyes yawned sneezed and afterwards let a great Houshold-Fart Whereupon Panurge said Now certainly he is healed and therefore gave him to drink a large full Glass of strong White-wine with a sugred Toast In this Fashion was Epistemon finely healed only that he was somewhat hoarse for above three Weeks together and had a dry Cough of which he could not be rid but by the force of continual drinking And now he began to speak and said that he had seen the Devil had spoken with Lucifer familiarly and had been very merry in Hell and in the Elysian Fields affirming very seriously before them all that the Devils were boon Companions and merry Fellows but in respect of the Damned he said he was very sorry that Panurge had so soon called him back into this World again for said he I took wonderful delight to see them How so said Pantagruel because they do not use them there said Epistemon so badly as you think they do Their Estate and Condition of living is but only changed after a very strange manner For I saw Alexander the Great there mending old Stockins whereby he got but a very poor Living Xerxes was a Crier of Mustard Romulus a Salter and Patcher of Patins Numa a Nail-smith Tarquin a Porter Piso a clownish Swaine Sylla a Ferry-man Cyrus a Cowheard Themistocles a Glass-maker Epaminondas a Maker of Looking-glasses Brutus and Cassius Surveyors of Land Demosthenes a Vine-dresser Cicero a Fire-kindler Fabius a Threader of Patenotres Artaxerxes a Rope-maker Aeneas a Miller Achilles was a scauld-pated Maker of Hay-bundles Agamemnon a Lick-box Vlysses a Hay-mower Nestor a Forester Darius a Gold-finder Ancus Martius a Ship-trimmer Camillus a Foot-post Marcellus a Sheller of Beans Drusus a Taker of Money at the Doors of Play-houses Scipio Africanus a Crier of Lee in a Wooden-slipper Asdrubal a Lantern-maker Hannibal a Kettle-maker and Seller of Egg-shells Priamus a Seller of old Clouts Lancelot of the Lake was a Flayer of dead Horses All the Knights of the Round-table were poor Day-labourers employed to row over the Rivers of Cocytus Phlegeton Styx Acheron and Lethe when Messieurs the Devils had a mind to recreate themselves upon the Water as in the like Occasion are hired the Boat-men at Lions the Gondeâ—eers of Venice and Oars at London but with this Difference that these poor Knights have only for their Fare a Bob or Flirt on the Nose and in the Evening a Morsel of coarse mouldy Bread Trajan was a Fisher of Frogs Antoninus a Lacquey Commodus a Jeat-maker Pertinax a Peeler of Wall-nuts Lucullus a Maker of Rattles and Hawks-Bells Iustinian a Pedlar Hector a Snap-sauce Scullion Paris was a poor Beggar Camlyses a Mule-driver Nero a base blind Fidler Fierabras was his Serving-man who did him a thousand mischievous Tricks and would make him eat of the brown Bread and drink of the turned Wine when himself did both eat and drink of the best Iulius Caesar and Pompey were Boat-wrights and Tighters of Ships Valentine and Orson did serve in the Stoves of Hell and were Sweat-Rubbers in Hot-houses Giglan and Govian were poor Swineherds Iafrey with the great Tooth was a Tinder-maker and Seller of Matches Godfrey de Bullion a Hood-maker Iason was a Bracelet-maker Don Pietro de Castille a Carrier of Indulgences Morgan a Beer-brewer Huon of Bourdeaux a Hooper of Barrels Pyrrhus a Kitchin-scullion Antiochus a Chimney-sweeper Octavian a Scraper of Parchment Nerva a Mariner Pope Iulius was a Crier of Pudding-pies but he left off wearing there his great buggerly Beard Iohn of Paris was a Greaser of Boots Arthur of Britain an Ungreaser of Caps Pierce Forrest a Carrier of Faggots Pope Boniface the Eighth a Scummer of Pots Pope Nicholas the third a Maker of Paper Pope Alexander a Rat-catcher Pope Sixtus an Anointer of those that have the Pox. What said Pantagruel have they the Pox there too Surely said Epistemon I never saw so many there are there I think above a hundred Millions For believe that those who have not had the Pox in this World must have it in the other Cotsbody said Panurge then am I free for I have been as far as the Hole of Gibralter reached unto the outmost Bounds of Hercules and gathered of the ripest Ogier the Dane was a Furbisher of Armour The King Tigranes a Mender of thatched Houses Galien Restored a Taker of Moldwarps The four Sons of Aymon were all Tooth-drawers Pope Calixtus was the Barber of a Woman's sine quo non Pope Vrban a Bacon-pecker Melusina was a Kitchin Drudg-Wench Mettabrune a Laundress Cleopatra a
That Hercules at his Descent into Hell to all the Devils of those Regions did not by half so much terrifie them with his Club and Lion's Skin as afterwards Aeneas did with his clear shining Armour upon him and his Sword in his hand well furbished and unrusted by the Aid Council and Assistance of the Sybilla Cumana That was perhaps the reason why the Senior Ihon Iacomo di Trivulcio whilst he was a dying at Chartres called for his Cutlass and died with a Drawn Sword in his hand laying about him alongst and athwart around the Bed and every where within his reach like a stout doughty valorous and Knight-like Cavaleer By which resolute manner of Fence he scared away and put to flight all the Devils that were then lying in wait for his Soul at the passage of his Death When the Malsorets and Cabalists are asked Why it is that none of all the Devils do at any time enter into the Terestrial Paradice Their Answer hath been is and will be still That there is a Cherubin standing at the Gate thereof with a Flame-like glistering Sword in his hand Although to speak in the true Diabological Sence or Phrase of Toledo I must needs confess and acknowledge that veritably the Devils cannot be killed or die by the stroke of a Sword I do nevertheless avow and maintain according to the Doctrine of the said Diabology that they may suffer a Solution of Continuity as if with thy Shable thou shouldst cut athwart the Flamme of a burning Fire or the gross opacous Exhalations of a thick and obscure Smoak and cry out like very Devils at their Sense and Feeling of this Dissolution which in real Deed I must averr and affirm is devilishly painful smarting and dolorous When thou seest the impetuous Shock of two Armies and vehement Violence of the Push in their horrid Encounter with one another dost thou think Balockasso that so horrible a noise as is heard there proceedeth from the Voice and Shouts of Men The dashing and joulting of Harnish The clattering and clashing of Armies The hacking and slashing of Battle-Axes The justling and crashing of Pikes The bustling and breaking of Lances The Clamour and Skrieks of the Wounded The sound and din of Drums The Clangour and Shrilness of Trumpets The neighing and rushing in of Horses with the fearful Claps and thundering of all sorts of Guns from the Double Canon to the Pocket Pistol inclusively I cannot Goodly deny but that in these various things which I have rehearsed there may be somewhat occasionative of the huge Yell and Tintamarre of the two engaged Bodies But the most fearful and tumultuous Coil and Stir the terriblest and most boisterous Garboil and Hurry the chiefest rustling Black Santus of all and most principal Hurly Burly springeth from the grievously plangorous howling and lowing of Devils who Pell-mell in a hand-over-hand-over-head Confusion waiting for the poor Souls of the maimed and hurt Soldiery receive unawares some Stroaks with Swords and so by those means suffering a Solution of and Division in the Continuity of their Aerial and Invisible Substances As if some Lackey snatching at the Lard-slices stuck in a piece of Roast-meat on the Spit should get from Mr. Greazyfist a good rap on the Knuckles with a Cudgel they cry out and shout like Devils Even as Mars did when he was hurt by Diomedes at the Siege of Troy who as Homer testifieth of him did then raise his Voice more horrifically loud and sonoriferously high than ten thousand Men together would have been able to do What maketh all this for our present purpose I have been speaking here of well-furbished Armour and bright shining Swords But so is it not Friar Ihon with thy Weapon for by a long discontinuance of Work cessation from Labour desisting from making it officiate and putting it into that practice wherein it had been formerly accustomed and in a word for want of occupation it is upon my Faith become more rusty than the Key-hole of an old Poudering-Tub Therefore it is expedient that you do one of these two either furbish your Weapon bravely and as it ought to be or otherwise have a care that in the rusty case it is in you do not presume to return to the House of Raminagrobis For my part I vow I will not go thither the Devil take me if I go CHAP. XXIV How Panurge consulteth with Epistemon HAving left the Town of Villomere as they were upon their return towards Pantâ—gruel Panurge in addressing his Discourse to Epistemon spoke thus My most ancient Friend and Gossip thou seest the perplexity of my Thoughts and knowest many Remedies for the removal thereof art thou not able to help and succour me Epistemon thereupon taking the Speech in hand represented unto Panurge how the open Voice and common Fame of the whole Country did run upon no other Discourse but the derision and mockery of his new Disguise wherefore his Counsel unto him was that he would in the first place be pleased to make use of a little Hellebore for the purging of his Brain of that peccant â—umour which thro' that extravagant and fantastick Mummery of his had furnished the People with a too just occasion of flouting and gibbing jeering and scoffing him and that next he would resume his ordinary Fashion of Accoutrement and go apparelled as he was wont to do I am quoth Panurge my dear Gossip Epistemon of a mind and resolution to Marry but am afraid of being a Cuckold and to be unfortunate in my Wedlock For this cause have I made a Vow to young St. Francis who at Plessiletours is much reverenced of all Women earnestly cried unto by them and with great Devotion for he was the first Founder of the Confraternity of good Men whom they naturally covet affect and long for to wear Spectacles in my Cap and to carry no Codpiece in my Breeches until the present Inquietude and Perturbation of my Spirits be fully setled Truly quoth Epistemon that is a pretty jolly Vow of Thirteen to a Dozen It is a shame to you and I wonder much at it that you do not return unto your self and recall your Senses from this their wild swarving and straying abroad to that rest and stilness which becomes a vertuous Man This whimsical Conceit of yours brings me to the remembrance of a solemn Promise made by the Shaghaired Argives who having in their Controversie against the Lacedemonians for the Terretory of Tyree lost the Battle which they hoped should have decided it for their Advantage vowed to carry never any hair on their Heads till preallably they had recovered the loss of both their Honour and Lands As likewise to the memory of the Vow of a pleasant Spaniard called Michel Doris who vowed to carry in his Hat a piece of the Shin of his Leg till he should be revenged of him who had struck it off Yet do not I know which of these two deserveth most to wear a Green and Yellow
from my Experiment in the matter to write in your Brain with a Steel-pen this subsequent Ditton There is no married Man who doth not run the hazard of being made a Cuckold Cuckoldry naturally attendeth Marriage the Shadow doth not more naturally follow the Body then Cuckoldry ensueth after Marriage to place fair Horns upon the Husband's Heads And when you shall happen to hear any Man pronounce these three Words He is Married if you then say he is hath been shall be or may be a Cuckold you will not be accounted an unskilful Artist in framing of true Consequences Tripes and Bowels of all the Devils cries Panurge what do you tell me My dear Friend answered Rondibilis as Hippocrates on a time was in the very nick of setting forwards from Lango to Polystilo to Visit the Philosopher Democritus he wrote a familiar Letter to his Friend Dionoys wherein he desired him That he would during the interval of his absence carry his Wife to the House of her Father and Mother who were an honourable Couple and of good Repute because I would not have her at my Home said he to make abode in Solitude yet notwithstanding this her Residence beside her Parents do not fail quoth he with a most heedful care and circumspection to pry into her ways and to espy what places she shall go to with her Mother and who those be that shall repair unto her Not quoth he that I do mistrust her Vertue or that I seem to have any diffidence of her Pudicity and chaste Behaviour for of that I have frequently had good and real proofs but I must freely tell you She is a Woman there lies the suspition My worthy Friend the Nature of Women is set forth before our Eyes and represented to us by the Moon in divers other things as well as in this that they squat sculck constrain their own Inclinations and with all the Cunning they can dissemble and play the Hypocrite in the sight and presence of their Husbands who come no sooner to be out of the way but that forthwith they take their advantage pass the time merrily desist from all labour frolick it gad abroad lay aside their counterfeit Garb and openly declare and manifest the interiour of their Dispositions even as the Moon when she is in Conjunction with the Sun is neither seen in the Heavens nor on the Earth but in her Opposition when remotest from him shineth in her greatest fulness and wholly appeareth in her brightest splendour whilst it is Night Thus Women are but Women When I say Womankind I speak of a Sex so frail so variable so changeable so fickle inconstant and imperfect that in my Opinion Nature under favour nevertheless of the prime Honour and Reverence which is due unto her did in a manner mistake the Road which she had traced formerly and stray exceedingly from that Excellence of Providential Judgment by the which she had created and formed all other things when she built framed and made up the Woman And having thought upon it a Hundred and five times I know not what else to determine therein save only that in the devising hammering forging and composing of the Woman she hath had a much tenderer regard and by a great deal more respectful heed to the delightful Consortship and sociable Delectation of the Man than to the Perfection and Accomplishment of the individual Womanishness or Mulâ—ebrity The Divine Philosopher Plato was doubtful in what Rank of living Creatures to place and collocate them whither amongst the Rational Animals by elevating them to an upper Seat in the Specifical Classis of Humanity or with the Irrational by degrading them to a lower Bench on the opposite side of a Brutal kind and meer Bestiality for Nature hath posited in a privy secret and intestine place of their Bodies a sort of Member by some not impertinently termed an Animal which is not to be found in Men. Therein sometimes are engendred certain Humors so saltish brackish clammy sharp nipping tearing prickling and most eagerly tickling that by their stinging Acrimony rending Nitrosity figging Itch wrigling Mordicancy and smarting Salsitude for the said Member is altogether sinewy and of a most quick and lively feeling their whole Body is shaken and ebrangled their Senses totally ravished and transported the operations of their Judgment and Understanding utterly confounded and all disordinate Passions and Perturbations of the Mind thoroughly and absolutely allowed admitted and approved of yea in such sort that if Nature had not been so favourable unto them as to have sprinkled their Forehead with a little Tincture of Bashfulness and Modesty you should see them in a so frantick mood run mad after Lechery and hye apace up and down with hast and Lust in quest of and to fix some Chamber-Standard in their Paphian Ground that never did the Pretides Mimallonides nor Lyaean Thyads deport themselves in the time of their Bacchanalian Festivals more shamelesly or with a so affronted and brazen-faced Impudency because this terrible Animal is knit unto and hath an Union with all the chief and most principal parts of the Body as to Anatomists is evident Let it not here be thought strange that I should call it an Animal seeing therein I do no otherwise than follow and adhere to the Doctrine of the Academick and Peripatetick Philosophers For if a proper Motion be a certain mark and infallible token of the Life and Animation of the Mover as Aristotle writeth and that any such thing as moveth of its self ought to be held Animated and of a Living Nature then assuredly Plato with very good reason did give it the Denomination of an Animal for that he perceived and observed in it the proper and self-stirring motions of Suffocation Precipitation Corrugation and of Indignation so extreamly violent that oftentimes by them is taken and removed from the Women all other sense and moving whatsoever as if she were in a swounding Lipothymy benumming Sincop Epileptick Apoplectick Palsey and true resemblance of a pale-faced Death Furthermore in the said Member there is a manifest discerning Faculty of Scents and Odours very perceptible to Women who feel it fly from what is rank and unsavoury and follow fragrant and Aromatick Smells It is not unknown to me how Cl. Gallen striveth with might and main to prove that these are not proper and particular Notions proceeding intrinsically from the thing it self but accidentally and by chance Nor hath it escaped my notice how others of that Sect have laboured hardly yea to the utmost of their Abilities to demonstrate that it is not a sensitive discerning or perception in it of the difference of Wafts and Smells but meerly a various manner of Vertue and Efficacy passing forth and flowing from the diversity of odoriferous Substances applied near unto it Nevertheless if you will studiously examine and seriously ponder and weigh in Critolaus's Balance the strength of their Reasons and Arguments you shall find that they not
Pleasure as heretofore it very plainly appeared in the Army of Sennacherib If it may please thee therefore at this time to assist me as my whole Trust and Confidence is in thee alone I vow unto thee that in all Countries whatsoever wherein I shall have any Power or Authority whether in this of Vtopia or elsewhere I will cause thy holy Gospel to be purely simply and entirely preached so that the Abuses of a Rabble of Hypocrites and false Prophets who by humane Constitutions and depraved Inventions have impoisoned all the World shall be quite exterminated from about me This Vow was no sooner made but there was heard a Voice from Heaven saying Hoc fâ—c vinces that is to say Do this and thou shalt overcome Then Pantagruel seeing that Loupgarou with his Mouth wide open was drawing near to him went against him boldly and cried out as loud as he was able Thou diest Villain thou diest purposing by his horrible Cry to make him afraid according to the Discipline of the Lacedemonians Withal he immediately cast at him out of his Bark which he wore at his Girdle eighteen Cags and four Bushels of Salt wherewith he filled both his Mouth Throat Nose and Eyes At this Loupgarou was so highly incensed that most fiercely setting upon him he thought even then with a Blow of his Mace to have beat out his Brains but Pantagruel was very nimble and had always a quick Foot and a quick Eye and therefore with his left Foot did he step back one Pace yet not so nimbly but that the Blow falling upon the Bark broke it in four thousand fourscore and six Pieces and threw all the rest of the Salt about the Ground Pantagruel seeing that most gallantly displayed the Vigour of his Arms and according to the Art of the Axe gave him with the great End of his Mast a home-thrust a little above the Breast then bringing along the Blow to the left side with a Slash struck him between the Neck and Shoulders After that advancing his right Foot he gave him a Push upon the Couillons with the upper End of his said Mast wherewith breaking the Scuttle on the Top thereof he spilt three or four Punchions of Wine that were left therein Upon that Loupgarou thought that he had pierced his Bladder and that the Wine that came forth had been his Urine Pantagruel being not content with this would have doubled it by a side-blow but Loupgarou lifting up his Mace advanced one Step upon him and with all his Force would have dash'd it upon Pantagruel wherein to speak the Truth he so sprightfully carried himself that if God had not succoured the good Pantagruel he had been cloven from the top of his Head to the bottom of his Milt but the Blow glanced to the right side by the brisk Nimbleness of Pantagruel and his Mace sank into the Ground above threescore and thirteen Foot through a huge Rock out of which the Fire did issue greater than nine thousand and six Tuns Pantagruel seeing him busy about plucking out his Mace which stuck in the Ground between the Rocks ran upon him and would have clean cut off his Head if by Mischance his Mast had not touched a little against the Stock of Loupgarou's Mace which was inchanted as we have said before by this means his Mast broke off about three-handfuls above his Hands whereat he stood amazed like a Bell-founder and cried out Ah Panurge where art thou Panurge seeing that said to the King and the Giants By G they will hurt one another if they be not parted but the Giants were as merry as if they had been at a Wedding Then Carpalin would have risen from thence to help his Master but one of the Giants said unto him By Golfarin the Nephew of Mahoon if thou stir hence I will put thee in the bottom of my Breeches instead of a Suppository which cannot chuse but do me good for in my Belly I am very costive and cannot well cagar without gnashing my Teeth and making many filthy Faces Then Pantagruel thus destitute of a Staff took up the End of his Mast striking athwart and alongst upon the Giant but he did him no more hurt than you would do with a Filip upon a Smith's Anvil In the time Loupgarou was drawing his Mace out of the Ground and having already plucked it out was ready therewith to have struck Pantagruel who being very quick in turning avoided all his Blows in taking only the defensive Part in hand until on a sudden he saw that Loupgarou did threaten him with these Words saying Now Villain will noâ— I fail to chop thee aâ— small as minced Meat and keep thee henceforth from â—ver making any more poor Men athirst Then without any more ado Pantagruel struck him such a Blow with his Foot against the Belly that he made him fall backwards his Heels over his Head and dragged him thus along at flay-buttock above a flight-shot Then Loupgarou cried out bleeding at the Throat Mahoon Mahoon Mahoon at which Noise all the Giants arose to succour him but Panurge said unto them Gentlemen do not go if you will believe me for our Master is mad and strikes athwart and alongst he cares not where he will do you a Mischief but the Giants made no Account of it seeing that Pantagruel had never a Staff And when Pantagruel saw those Giants approach very near unto him he took Loupgarou by the two Feet and lift up his Body like a Pike in the Air wherewith it being harnished with Anvils he laid such heavy load amongst those Giants armed with Free-stone that striking them down as a Mason doth little Knobs of Stones there was not one of them that stood before him whom he threw not flat to the Ground and by the breaking of this stony Armour there was made such a horrible Rumble as put me in mind of the Fall of the Butter-tower of St. Stephen's at Bourge when it melted before the Sun Panurge with Carpalin and Eusthenes did cut in the mean time the Throats â—f those that were struck down in such sort that there escaped not one Pantagruel to any Man's sight was like a Mower who with his Sithe which was Loupgarou cut down the Meddow Grass to wit the Giants But with this fencing of Pantagruel's Loupgarou lost his Head which happened when Pantagruel struck down one whose Name was Riflandouille who was armed cap-a-pe with Grison-stones one Chip whereof splintring abroad cut off Epistemon's Neck clean and fair For otherwise the most part of them were but lightly armed with a kind of sandy Brittle-stone and the rest with Slaits At last when he saw that they were all dead he threw the Body of Loupgarou as hard as he could against the City where falling like a Frog upon his Belly in the great Piazza he with the fall killed a singed He-cat a wet She-cat a farting Duck and a brideled Goose. CHAP. XXX How Epistemon who had his