renowned Piller Those gaudie stakes which for no purpose are But rouing markes for Longbows and for Tiller For euen so much for beautie worth and glosse As Crosse in Cheape excels old Charing-Crosse So much and ten times more this peerelesse stake Exceeds those Postes which Archers vse to make For not with in a Carmans durtie Cart As if it weare to Tiburne was it laid Nor plaisterd ouer with the Painters Art Which with a shower of raine is seene to fade Nor on the top a Cat-Amount was framed Or som wilde beast which nere before was tamed Made at the charges of some Archers stout To haue his name canonized in the clout Vpon a chariot was this Piller mounted A chariot framed of the purest Horne Whose workmanship here cannot be recounted It was so curious fine on foure wheles borne Two Gotes first drew this chariot then 2. Rams Two Vincornes then followed tame as Lambes Lastly 2. sober Oxen with slowe pace Held vp the chariots head with horned face The piller was of wood all guilded faire Beset like pretious stones with studdes of horne Vpon the top did stand a goodly paire Fairer then any Cukold erst hath worne From whence two liuely trees did seeme to grow Bearing all sorts of fruit to make vs know That howsoeuer fooles their fortune scorne Profit and pleasure both spring from the Horne Now drums and trumpets fill the aire with thunder When first the chariot gan to moue her wheeles Now Canons and Caleeuers seem'd to thunder Then shoutes and clamour followed at the heeles The Clergy first before the Coach did sing The Waites did play all the bels did ring Bag-pips plai'd horn-pips som did dance the Morris Some wind their horns som with cornets florish Before the Chariot all the married went According to their place and due degree Behind it all the Batchelours of Kent Marched in order very gallantly Beside all these so great a troupe and throng Did fill the passage as they went along That many were sore thrust and wanted breath And some were crowded hard but not to death For as you see vpon that solemne day When as the Pageants through Chepe-side are carried What multitudes of people thither sway Thrusting so hard that many haue miscaried If then you marke when as the fire-workes flye And Elephants and Vnicornes passe by How mighty and tumultuous is that presse Such were those throngings and no iot the lesse But notwithstanding all this grieuous thrust Forward they march in decent ranke and fashion Some least their tailes should daggle in the dust Had men to beare them vp with ostentation But they which wanted men their tailes to guide Fast round about their middles had them ti'de Or else about their neckes For without faile The least was longer then an Oxes taile Many of them the better to expresse Their willing mindes Dame Fortune to appease That she might sooner cut their long-tailes lesse And curtaile their great rumps to giue them ease In comely sort their foreheads did adorne With goodly coronets of hardy-horne As Siluan Satyrs in old time were seene VVhen as they danced Horn-pipes on the green It were too long to set downe euery thing VVhich chanced in that progresse as they went How all the bels in Feuersham did ring In Sitting-borne and other townes of Kent VVhat intertainement and precession was Ordain'd whē they through Rochester shold passe And how each Officer in his best gowne Stood ready to conduct them through the Town Nor is it for our purpose to decide The hearty welcome giuen at Graues-end How many Cittizens came downe that tide VVith their sweet wiues the shew there to attend And how at Dartford the tall Sea-marke rod His stately top and wethercocke did nod To bid her welcome since our end is most At Cuckolds Hauen to erect the Post VVhere being new arriu'd A mighty crue Of wealthy Cittizens did them confront Come from the Citty that faire post to veiwe And all the goodly hornes which were vpon 't VVhich howsoeuer they desirous be Abroad to range strange fashions for to see Yet sure for this to range they haue small neede They may abide at home and better speed There had the Cittizens large tables set Loaden with store of victuals and good cheare To gratulate the Long-tailes which they met And shew the loue which to the Horne they beare VVhereafter they had fed in bounteous manner And drunk a thousand healths to Fortuns honor Towards the Thames they drew the horned Post And there did plant it strongly on the Coast Iust in the place where Fortunes Temple stood There stands the forked Piller stout and tall VVhose leauelesse boughes are neuer seene to bud Though much stone-fruit do from the branches fall VVestward it threatens and with armes all bare Giues warning to the Citty to beware Like to a flaming Beacon which still shewes The neere approaching of some dangerous foes Thus was this famous Monument extoll'd And on the fruitfull bankes of Thames erected VVhich when the Goddesse Fortune did behold Perceiuing how deuout they her respected Her anger vanisht and with gracious eye She tooke compassion on their malady And all their rumpes so infamous before Vnto their pristine beauty did restore Thus came their Buttockes to their ancient hue Their tailes fell off and on the ground did lie When loe a wondrous matter did ensue A miracle most strange to euery eie For on a suddaine all their tailes vp stood Tooke roote within the ground and 'gan to bud And into willow trees which there are seene Were thē trāsform'd most fragrāt sweet green VVhich when the Kentish-men at first beheld Feeling their hanches lighter then they were VVith shootes and ioyfull cries so long they yel'd That many vnto Douer did them heare And London-bridge with Caesars Tower did shake By reason of the noise which they did make But Charing-crosse fell downe as Stow doth say And broke his necke as may bee seene this day But that this strange and great deliuerance From such huge long-tailes as they had of late Might still be had in fresh remembrance That day to Fortune they did dedicate Enacting that for euer once a yeare On S. Lukes day they should assemble there To feast and frollicke on these pleasant bankes And giue to Fortune her deserued thankes Long time this solemne custome was obseru'd And Kentish-men with others met to feast But latter times are from old fashions sweru'd And growne repugnant to this good beheast For now vngratefull men these meetings scorne And thankelesse proue to Fortune and the horne For onely now is kept a poore Goose Faire VVhere none but meaner people do repaire But whilst it was obserued did befall A certaine matter worthy obseruation For some wilde Colts which Cittizens we call And when they are abroad it is their fashion Being all flustred in their merry mood Pull'd down the Post threw the horns i' th flood But marke a wondrous thing The horns
will her harme For when her little egges she forth doth bring Within anothers neast she layes them warme Supposing that kind bird will loue them deere As Cuckolds doe which no deceit doe feare Suffering their wiues to keepe good companie Thinking that men will vse them honestly Neither doe I esteeme her as a Sinner Although Pythagoras reproue the fault Which neuer eat an egge vnto his dinner But onely fed vpon a root and salt Because she flyes into anothers nest And suckes the egges which there she liketh best Nor doth she more deserue and merit blame Than honest men which daily eat the same Rather I deeme her worthie commendation If to the Cuckoe her desert we giue Since she deuoures and suckes their procreation That eat the corne whereby mankind should liue Herein she shewes her selfe a friend to man Seeking his good by all the meanes she can Both in applauding them which weare the horne And sucking vp their brood which eat the corne Kind gentlewomen ye which take delight A pratling Parrat in your Cage to haue Because she prates good morrow and good night Or bids a sawcie fellow Walke a knaue And ye which keepe a Puppie or a Daw To make you laugh by playing with a straw Let not these toyes be thought a womans treasure But keepe the louely Cuckoe for your pleasure Your Iack daw cannot with her siluer bell Match this sweet bird the mistresse of the Spring And trust me truly she doth farre excell Your Puppie and your Parrat in each thing The Parrat prates as she is taught by rote This bird by nature hath a merrie note And all her songs in lieu of fauors showne Shall tell your husbands glorie or your owne Thrice famous Dauid Lindsey of the North Thou hadst great conference with a Popingay Which erst did tell thee many things of worth As they in print are extant at this day Yet greater matters might thy pen haue painted If with the Cuckoe thou hadst beene acquainted For deeper mysteries doth she bewray Than euer was reueal'd by Popingay No bird nor any creature hath the grace Though they in other qualities excell Which can so truly to a mans owne face In good plaine tearmes his proper title tell No sooner she a married man espies But in her language Cuckoe straight she cries Which her a Prophet makes me to suppose Since secret faults so openly she shewes If she farre off a companie descrie Or by the noyse their comming vnderstand Cuckoe she doubles most melodiously As if she said More Cuckolds are at hand And though she neuer see them she can tell Both what the persons are and where they dwell Cuckolds they are if you their names require And where they dwell forsooth in Cuckoldshire This is the cause I thinke that Iealousie Repines to heare the Cuckoe sing so faire For he consum'd with foolish phrenesie With raging madnesse griefe and fretting care Kickes like a scabbed Iade when he doth heare That name repeated which he needes must beare And with impatience brookes her gracious call Which tels him truly what will after fall Another sort there are which cannot well Abide to heare the Cuckoe for their liues But do detest her as a Fiend of Hell And these are women Minions vnchast wiues Which are ashamed for to haue displaid How their kind husbāds they haue Cuckolds made Or they are Bastards which scarce loue to heare Their mothers faults and who their fathers were But for the yeomen of the horned Crowd Me thinkes their ioy and comfort is not small To heare the Cuckoe carroll out so lowd The wondrous glorie doth their states befall And so harmoniously their prayses sing That Woods and Forests with their Ecchoes ring Doubtlesse a Cuckold is a gallant name When birds chant Hymnes in honor of the same And such in ancient times hath beene the praise And estimation of this worthie State Though much it be disgraced in these daies And sore abused of each scoffing Mate That Kings and Emperors haue thought no scorne For arms to beare the beasts which weare the horn And crowns scepters thrones great dominiōs Are not more rich than hornes in somes opinions Let famous Greece be witnesse of this thing Where horned heads were wont to beare such sway That seldome any came to be their King But still he prou'd a Cuckold as some say This Menelaus well could verifie Whose hornes procur'd Troyes endlesse miserie Yet not from them arose that mortall strife But that he could not haue againe his wife He could haue beene content with all his heart To haue beene Cuckold and haue blest his fortune If they his wise had suffered to depart Whom he to haue againe did much importune But when he saw faire meanes could not obtaine her It was concluded he by force shuld gain her To make it knowne that she was his by right And shew himselfe a Cuckold of great might And not alone was he a Cuckold deemed But Agamemnon which was eke his brother And in the warres as chiefe commaunder seemed Had happie fortune to be made another Nor could Vlysses quite himselfe exile From out this companie by any wile For though Penelope was loth to marrie So long without a friend she could not tarrie Suruey the Histories of elder daies Peruse the chronicles of euery Nation And thou shalt find that men of greatest praise Wealth riches honor fame and estimation Most valiant hardie learned graue and wise Grieu'd not to be addrest in Cuckolds guise And thus hath Fortune often thought it best To make kind-hearted Cuckolds perfect blest None euer liu'd and haue had better chance Or beene inhanced vnto higher state None of more valour might or cheuisance Or in the warres haue beene more fortunate Or greater glorie and renowne haue wonne Then hath the Cuckold and the Cuckolds sonne As from these two great Monarchs we may gather Great Alexander and his worthie Father I will not here insist my lines to cumber Let it suffice that I haue named two He which assaies by name to take the number Of ancient Cuckolds shall haue much to doo If he can tell the sands vpon the shore Then he may count the Cuckolds all of yore This is enough to free the name from scorne Kings haue not beene asham'd to weare a horne But what should I dilate of earthly Kings Of worldly Monarchs and of mortall men Since Ioues owne wife as Ouid sweetly sings And other pleasant Poets erst did pen. Iuno the glorious Empresse of the skies Queene of the aire where winds doe tiranise Was through her husbands vsuall ribaldrie Made Ladie regent vnto Cuckoldrie Nor had she only such propitious luck Though she in Heauen chiefe Cuckqueane was reputed Vulcan her sonne was headed like a Buck And by the lustie God of Warre cornuted And Ioue himself thogh some the truth do shroud Faining Ixion did imbrace a cloud Was in this common lot a great partaker And both a Cuckold aud
and of Fame And thus the better sort might haue a care To giue your state what doth belong the same Thus might the name to which you haue aspired Be both applauded honoured and admired And men would wonder at the strange euent To see kind Cuckolds weare this Implement Thus euery gentle heart and patient mind Which haue the hornes and willingly do weare them Might be perceiued from the Kestrell kind Of froward iealous fooles which grudge to beare thē Thus honest Cuckolds might sequestred be From scoffing Peasants of a base degree Thus might your glorie be the more increased And you well hooded and your wiues wel pleased For sooth to say needes must it please your wiues To see faire hornes vpon your forhead grow Sure that the whole demeanor of their liues That they desire the same doth clearely show And if they did not wish you such a head They would not so defile their marriage bed But vsuall practise makes plaine declaration They both desire and seeke this transformation If then such profit hereby might arise Both to your glorie and your wiues content Seeme not so great a blessing to despise Nor scorne the wishes of my good intent For 't is not such a blemish and disgrace To haue faire hornes to grow vpon your face Neither a wonder to behold this change Though gasing fooles at first might think it strange For many famous men of older daies As writers doe record and stories mention To their great honour and eternall praise Without reproch scoffes mockes or reprehension Haue had the fore-part of their comely head With two faire hornes full seemely furnished This may you well perceiue by horned Pan Which was a mightie God in shape of man I will not here vpon examples stand To cloye your minds with wonders tales and lies Onely for proofe of what I tooke in hand These few to passe the rest shall now suffice Cippus the valiant Roman who tooke scorne To be a King though chosen by the horne Did by his hornes become so much renowned That they on postes were painted and he crowned When lustie Ioue was once a wanton louer And woo'd Europa King Agenors daughter That he in secret might his loue discouer Althogh he knew some fools would make a laughter To see the same yet on his head he bare Of faire bright shining hornes a comely paire And therefore Ouids booke of leasings full Doth faine that Ioue was turned to a Bull. On strange and foraine proofes what should I stay Or tell of antique matters long agone The time would faile me if I should assay To number all the persons one by one Which to their glorie and their hearts content Haue on their forheads worne this implement Our present time for truth can testifie It is no Monster wonder nor a lye For in the North is situate a Towne Bounding vpon the Riuer named Aire Which for the Trade of Clothing is well knowne And for strong napple Ale hath great repaire Whereas an honest man did lately dwell A patient Cuckold as Report doth tell Which had a horne fast growing by his eye To shew that hornes belong to Cuckoldrie Loe here cornuted Seigniors here you see It is no wonder for to weare a horne No shame or blemish vnto your degree No staine disgrace reproch contempt or scorne But famous full of glorie and renowne As ancient Writers haue set truly downe 'T is but conceit that hornes will looke so grimly Doe but beleeue and they will fit you trimly And in my iudgement if you had them growing That each one might discerne them with his eye Fooles would not vse their mocks and apish mowing Nor knaues so much deride your grauitie For they perceiuing how the hornes would grace The superficies of your honest face Point with their fingers as if that their taunting Did shew that somthing frō your heds were wāting Whereas if hornes were present to their sight What should they with their fingers need to shew it Since by this meanes a purblind fellow might Perceiue your worth and by the horns might know it And then would scoffing Peasants cease to prate Because that others plainely see your state Then sawcie fellows which their neighbors flout Wold cease to mock their own horns peeping out Thus should your name be had in wondrous feare And not a man from greatest to the least Should dare to mocke a Cuckold for his eare Nor once against the hornes to breake a ieast Nor seeme anothers fortune to deride For feare the same good lucke might him betide And thus I hope your heads haue vnderstood What fruit would blossome if your hornes did bud But let vs put the case as some suppose That sleering fooles for this might more deride you Nought by their misdemeanour doe you lose Neither ywis doth greater shame betide you Hereby your merit is the more augmented If you with patience hold your selues contented Thē scorn that childish scoffes shold make you sorie The more you suffer more will be your glorie Neuer cast downe your heads nor be ashamed Though gracelesse wits vnkindly you entreat Your blessed fortune cannot be defamed Nor prating slanderous tongues your praise defeat For though your worth and credit in the sight Of scoffing persons be accounted light Yet in the iudgement of the wiser sort A Cuckold is a name of good report And in defence of all the Patient traine Here I as Challenger doe readie stand Iustly to proue vphold and to maintaine Against the proudest Champion in this land That no Promotion Calling or Degree Can be free from the state of Cuckoldrie And that the Hornepipe is as sweet a fit As euer Fidler playd vpon his Kit. What Countrey in this Vniuerse is knowne Which can affirme from Cuckolds it is free What Kingdome Prouince Borough Citie Towne In all the world exempted doe we see Which hath not more or lesse as Fortune pleased The number of kind Cuckolds still encreased Or could not yeeld at one time or another A horned Father or a horned Mother Greatly this title through the world is carried And so encreaseth as we heare by fame That if it mought it would be to the married As Homo is to men a common name And this we see apparant at this day For as a stranger trauailes by the way If any married persons dog doth sturre Straight one or other calls him Cuckolds curre Truly I doe not much mislike these words Because he is or else may be hereafter Although I would not haue them with their boords Miscall the Cuckolds dog to make a laughter Nor would I wish a Cuckold goe to law For such an idle iest not worth a straw Neither for this disgrace to brawle or curse His state is better and his dog no worse Much is his state the better as we may Perceiue by that which is alreadie said And if with patience he can beare away The Apish mockes which sometimes will be made
Besides his glorie which before I quoted A valiant-minded man he shall be noted Stronger he is that holds his furie downe Than he which winnes a Fort or walled Towne Great is a Cuckolds honor and his fame And wondrous is the glorie of his fate Which makes some persons so desire the name And with such greedinesse the horne await That for because none other will aread To make them Cuckolds and to arme their head They are content when time and place importune To be the caruers of their owne good fortune Thus Cephalus in Athens vnperceiu'd Like to a merchant clad his wife did trie And thus another man his wife deceiu'd Which did belong to Loues kind Familie Thus on their own heads some haue graft the horn For very loue they haue to Cuckolds borne Which makes me thinke because of others wish That Cuckoes egges are sure a daintie dish Of all the men that euer I haue knowne A Cuckold doth for kindnesse beare the bell Which for his proper vsekeepes not his owne But giues in common to his friends as well And so to courtesie he is allyed What ere you aske shall hardly be denyed That if his wife would any way befriend you He will not sticke his very wife to lend you But to his wife the world doth not containe A kinder man replete with all ciuilitie Doe what she will he murmures not in vaine But giues her scope with all facilitie Nor though she graft the horne doth he coÌ„plaine Since he can doe as much for her againe If I by nature had beene borne a woman A Cuckold I would haue or marrie no man In vaine it is and needlesse for to spend My worthlesse prayses on a Cuckolds name Words I should sooner want them to commend Than make a Period fully to their fame Or yeeld them all the honor which is due And doth of right 'long to the horned crue Onely a glimpse I giue vnto their glorie Not able t'reach the height of such a storie For how should I a Cuckolds prayse enchaine Within the compasse of my shallow quill Which all the spacious world doth scarce containe Such store of Cuckolds euery corner fill And such a wondrous troupe the Hornpipe treads One cannot passe another for their heads That shortly we shall haue as Skelton iests A greater sort of horned men than beasts If all the Cuckolds in the world were prest And ranged for the field in battaile-ray So great an Armie there would be addrest As neuer was the like seene to this day For such a number would encamped lie That Xerxes Hoast which dranke huge Riuers drie Nor all the Armies which haue beene prepared Might with this band of Cuckolds be compared Cast vp the number of the birds that flie Reckon the sands which are vpon the shore Or tell the golden starres which paue the skie Then mayst thou count the Cuckolds all of yore For millions of men that haue beene married Haue vnto Cornwell without boat been carried And such a crowd are of that reputation They neuer can be put in numeration But though a Cuckold were a word of shame And slander and disgrace did still attend it As all men know it is a famous name And many married persons should defend it Yet let no Cuckold take it to the heart Since both his friends and neighbors beare a part It is great comfort to a Cuckolds chance That many thousands doe the Hornepipe dance Then to conclude my friends of Cuckoldshire Grieue not to beare the horne vpon your crest Let not the sonne be prouder than his Sire Your name is famous and your fortune blest Your life is void of sorrow and of care Your greatest crosses are but neighbors fare Spit in the face of Enuie and of Scorne There is no credit like the Cuckolds Horne LEt none suppose I weare the Horne Because the famous Horne I praise Or that I am a Cuckold sworne Because his worth I seeke to raise No no poore fooles in truth you are deceiued Into that Order I was nere receiued All are not rich that talke of gold Nor Merchants which the Burse doe walke Nor all Diuines which Pulpits hold Nor strong which doe of Sampson talke Nor doe my words so sure my state proclame To be a Cuckold though I praise the name And yet by Vulcans head I sweare Let sleering Apes their pleasure say If I the richest Cuckold were That is in England at this day I know not how the hornes might well content me But of his Liuing I should scarce repent me Non liber indicium est animi sed honesta voluntas Plurima mulcendis auribus apta refert Accius esset atrox Conuiua Terentius esset Essent pugnaces qui ferae bella canunt Crede mihi Distat Casus a carmine nostro Vita verecunda est Musa iocosa mea est Ouid. Quamobrem licet irrideat si quis vult Plus apud me tamen vera ratio valebit quà m vulgi opinio Cicero FINIS Gulam euacuat vt Arcam impleat Panis furtiuus dulcit The father of Croesus Ouid. Socrates Facilè diuinabam post tantum tonitru secquuturam pluuiam Iuueni nondùm Seni nunquà m Obiection Confutation Actu vel potentia Knight of the Forked Order and not inferior to some new Knights Caue ne patrem serias Bachelers may be Cuckolds when one is faire promised and an other speedes Herodotus Obserue this yee watercasters and reserue the water of chastitie to cure your owne blindnesse Vrinalls were not then in vse Of old Iron Hercules Cuckolds-Hauen Saint Lukes day Cornus A cornel Tree or a Tree whereof Butchers make prickes Obiection As Iakes-farmers Scauingers and Curriers The pollicy of old Writers in praysing Cuckolds Haec qui facial non ego summia viris eum comparo verùm etià m simillimum Dijs iudico Posse Nolle Nobile A wise and honest Cuckold Note this my yong gallants Omnes facilè cum valemus Recta consilia aegrotis demus He is a Cuckold not worthy to bee a Cuckold A Cuckold with a witnes and a Cuckold by authority All wiues which haue doting husbands say Amen A good kind wife Et quanquà m videas oculis praesentibus audet excusare â—â—esas Note her argument Iram atque animos a crimine sumunt A faeminins genere Nulla potest Cuculo aequinalere meo Three degrees of Cuckolds One none One and one None and one Inter aues etenim nulla tibi similis * The hornes were not the cause Samius saith that all her Woers lay with her and thereupon Pall was begotten Fertilior seges est alienis semper in aruis Cornua parua quidem Puraque magis perlucida gemma Pasquils chalenge * A kind of Instrument * Fortior est qui se quà m qui fortissima vincit moenia