concerning truth and why many that live a long time under much means yet continue very ignorant it may be ever learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth 2 Ti. 3. 7. and as the seed upon the stony ground withred away because it had no root So truth not being rooted in the heart and iudgement though it spring up in much affection yet it comes to nothing And indeed ignorant persons many times are sooner affected and doe seem to have more affection than others he reason of that I conceive is the same also with that of the seed upon the stony ground it sprang up suddenly because it had not depth of earth so it s natural for ignorant persons to spring forth in affection they having as it were nothing else to do but onely to be affected their strength running all in one vein or in one Chanel they spend all in affection while others that have more understanding have many other things to do all the faculties of their souls being exercised their strength is dispersed into many veins weighing and pondering things in the heart and iudgment that it may have depth to root and settle there as it s said of Mary shee pondred those things in her heart Luke 2. 19. so they are treasuring it up in their hearts having in their treasury things new and old Mat. 12. 35. and 13. 52. and a little affection where there is iudgement is better than a great deal without iudgement yet much affection with a sound iudgment is best of all The second note of Experience How I was brought to see my self in a miserable state by Nature and convinced of sin by the Law and so converted to duty labouring for life by doing though at that time in my own thoughts far from owning such a thing By providence hearing a Minister of the Nation who was then called a Puritan whom though I used often to hear yet I could truly say as the Prophet in Dan. 10. 8. I heard but I understood not and as I was once hearing of him very suddenly I thought I did discern and understand things more clearly and more distinctly than ever I did before that time being much affected with it and did then own God in it having many such thoughts as these that as it was said of Lydia Act. 16. 14. that now the Lord had opened my understanding and now I hoped I should have more knowledge and delight more in hearing and reading whereas before it was wearysome to me because I did not understand any thing but in a confused manner After this I had a great delight to hear this man and though I thought it much on any other occasion to go one mile on foot yet to hear him I could go three and back again the same day frequently and by his Ministery I was brought to see the superstitious varity of my former zeal and laid it aside and I remember that at this time I had such affectionate heart-workings towards God and godliness and such a hatred of all sin according to what I then knew that I did many times in my serious thoughts chuse rather to dy than live meerly upon that account because I would not sin against God knowing my self subject thereunto And though I cannot say that at this time I had faith in God so as to believe his Love to me on Gospel grounds for I was totally ignorant of any such thing many years after yet I had good thoughts of God from that glimmering light which I then had and which did produce in me much love to him as I cannot but so judge But no sooner was I brought to this but Satan was ready to assault me and set upon me with this horrid temptation to question the Being of God and I remēber it usually came upō me when I was alone but especially as I was going by my self to hear the aforesaid Minister insomuch that it did exceedingly trouble me and I then discerned it to be a temptation and did resist and labour against it drawing arguments as I went in the fields from the very works of Creation to confirm my self in this truth that there is a God that it should not be in vain for me or any to serve him and earnestly crying to God against it through Grace I was not overcome by it but had a supply of strength until it was removed and I was no more troubled with it in many years after So I continued a constant hearer of this man and other such like for some years by which I came to see my self in a miserable State by nature and was convinced of sin by the Law but being very ignorant of the Lord Jesus and their doctrine being for the most part such as was suitable to the old covenant instead of going to Christ for life I was brought to a great degree of labour and travell for life and happinesse by doing though at that time in my own thoughts farre from owning such a thing being as exact and strict in all my waies I think I may say as it was possible for a poor creature to be but the more strict I was still looking through the glasse of the law the more my bondage was increased For I could see nothing but an addition of sin in all that I did the law still calling for a perfect righteousness Then I began to be very much troubled and in a great amasement perplexity of spirit fearing I should perish for ever then I had thoughts to discover my condition to some to have advise from them but meeting with many discouragements did not but kept it in my own brest discovering no more but what I could not hide which was onely my outward appearance much differing from what formerly it was which did occasion some to say that I was neer a distraction they not knowing what condition I was in And truly my condition was so sad that I was afraid of a distraction my self for I thought it impossible to continue long in that condition and not be distracted which fear did occasion me to apply my self to some means of comfort whereas before I was not willing to hearken to any thing that way the means I used was chiefly reading praier by which it pleased the Lord I came to some dark apprehensions concerning Jesus Christ being perswaded there was something of that nature which if I could get a right understanding of my condition would be much better but fearing left I should sink under my burthen temptations comming on me like the waves of the Sea I was forced as I went about my occasions often to cry to God like the Disciples in another case Lord save me else I perish Mat. 8. 25. I thought many times I was even sinking under my burthen and I did believe there was no help but only in the Lord and that he was able to do it but whether he would do it or whether he
often moving into several places where we found not only particular persons but whole Churches very much corrupted owning practising strange things though under plausible terms and spiritual pretences by which a while after they were broken and scattered leaving the profession of truth in the practice of the Ordinances of Christ some under one notion and some under another so that it was hard to find in those parts one particular person that had sound principles much less a whole Church where there was a powerful Ministery and a wise government by reason of which I began by degrees to be somewhat confused in Judgement and truly when I consider those things and what temptations I was exposed to at that time I do not wonder I was so confused but I rather wonder at the mercy of God that I was not swallowed up with confusion as many were in those daies for though I was weak in principles and by those things somewhat confused yet I do not know that in two or three years time I had received any corrupt principles but afterward being with a people where Satan had transformed himself into an Angell of light I think I may say in the highest degree under terms of Mystery Spirit waiting upon God and such like by them I was beguiled and deceived in some particular things though never in the height of that which was practised by them the particulars about which I was deceived were chiefly these three or four First Concerning godliness being a mystery that it did consist of something within and not of something without and and that the Saints were to expect life and Salvation from a Christ within and not from a Christ without Secondly that Saints were not to do duties by or from a command without but from a command within and that the word Command in Scripture was not a command to them till they had a word within them Thirdly that as to the time of doing duties they were to wait for the movings of the Spirit to carry them forth to it and this they called waiting for a power and till they had such a power they were to do nothing but sit still and wait and this not only in private duties but in the Church also not owning any Ministery by way of gifts or office but to come together and there fit and wait till they had a power and then to speak whether men or women In these particulars which carriried such a face or shew of spirituality I was corrupted but did never fully own them in Judgement nor practice and for such principles as I thought did lead to loosness either in matter of conveâ—sion or in slighting the Churches or ordinances of Christ I did alwaies oppose them though I believe such principles do naturally follow the others but I did not then discern it they being covered over with such Angel-like appearances And as to that principle of waiting though I did own it in Judgement more fully than any of these other yet I could neveâ— come up to it in my practice in private duties but by reason of some convictions still remaining in me I could not stay so long from duty till I had such a power but did frequently go to duty when I had it not though sometimes I thought I had it But in the presence of others I did not appear in duty but when I thought I had that power though I never did so appear but in one place for a short season in doing which I thought I had communion with God but I do believe it was no such thing but a meer Spirit of delusion First because I know no scripture-Scripture-ground for such a practice and secondly from the consideration of the sad fruit I had by it for after a little time I began to lose my peace and was very much troubled having little or no communion with God nor scarce any thing to speak to or for God and so confounded I was in my own spirit that I knew not what to do and speaking of it to some and those not a few they labored to perswade me it was a dispensation of God and that the Saints after they were brought out of Egypt must be in the wilderness before they come to Canaan and that the end of God in bringing them there was that he might speak comfortably to them and therefore I was not to be troubled but to be quiet fit still and wait and not to stir the Lord till he pleased this did not at all satisfy me but I continued in a very sad condition and one thing more by the way I cannot forget and that is that while I was in this condition I never was so troubled with temptations as I was at that time One temptation which I was troubled with many years before I was kept from until at this time which now was more violent than at first as indeed those things naturally lead to such temptations which temptation is the same expressed in the beginning of the book page 25. This was the sad fruit of my straying from the pure waies of truth which as I desire ever to own with shame to my self so likewise considering the temptations I was exposed to and the little means I had to forewarn and keep me from such things I desire for ever to bless the Lord that I strayed no further that though in these things I had much forgotten him yet he was pleased to remember me and shewed me the evil and danger of these notions and restored me to those former joies that once I had in him and made that which was intended by Satan to overthrow me to be of great advantage to me which he was pleased to do after this manner Having some occasion to undertake a passage on the Sea from London to Newcastle in which condition it pleased the Lord to reprove me by the raging waves of the Sea and tempestuous storms then began my trouble to increase but not so much from that which was without as from something within the waves of the Sea not beating so fast on the Ship as the waves of temptations did arise in my heart being in a very much-troubled dissatisfyed condition not finding my heart willing to submit to God neither indeed knowing how to behave my self towards him in relation to the present trouble all which was occasioned by those corrupt principles being at a great loss whether I should now pray or wait for a power not being sensible of any other power at that time but what was from the present trouble to put me upon it but in this trial I was glad to betake my self to my former principles the Lord bringing to my remembrance that command and promise Psa 50. 15. by which I was encouraged to cry to God as indeed I could not nor durst not forbear for still owning my interest in God by which I was made capable of prayer I could not answer that with such other like Scriptures
meerly by their words that I durst read it no further but sent it home again resolving to stick to my old principles and so resolved I was that I judged it my duty and accordingly did praise the Lord that I had escaped that snare and stumbling block which it was like to be to me till about half a year after these forementioned Ministers not being satisfyed to speak against those books in private only but brought them into their Pulpits reading particular passages which as they read and applyed it was contrary to the sense of it and sometimes I thought they spake more than was true which did occasion me to desire the book again for my better satisfaction but they not being allowed to be sold at that time it was hard to get any of them but through mercy I got one and then I found they did not deal faithfully but did wrest and draw false con sequences contrary to the drist and scope of it all which occasioned serious thoughts in me remembring when I first read it I laid it aside meerly from a spirit of fear and prejudice occasioned by their words and not that I was able to disprove it from Scripture grounds then remembring those words of the Apostle I Thes 5. 21. Try all things and hold fast that which is good I thought it my duty to lay aside all slavish fear and prejudice and to try it exactly by the Scriptures believing that as it was Gods way to try so he would assist me in it which he was pleased to do and as I read I began to be much affected and I thought it was glad tidings and good news if it were true but I thought it was too good to be true for I could not then believe that God was so free of his Christ as to give him to any other sinners but to such as were qualified fitted and prepared for him or that the way to glory was so easy as he seemed to mak it for if it were so then all that labour and travel which I had been a long time in was nothing which I could by no means yield to at that time For as Christ once said to the Jews that Publicans and Harlots enter into the Kingdom before them Mat. 21. 31. so truly I found it so hard to lay down my own legal righteousness and to submit to the righteousness of God by Faith according to Rom. 10. 3. that I was like to stick here when such as were more profane might receive the truth sooner But seriously weighing these with some other such like Scriptures as Rom. 4. 4. and 5. 8. Ephe. 2. through grace I was in a great measure convinced and brought to see that I had been exceedingly mistaken in my understanding and applying of Jesus Christ and whereas I thought I had attained a good degree of knowledge I now saw my self to be very ignorant and must begin again to learn the first principles of the oracles of God which to suffer so much loss was very hard to me at the first but God was pleased by degrees to strip me of all and to shew me such a beauty and excellency in the Lord Jesus above it that I was made not only willing but joyous to lay down all at his feet and I trust could truly say with the Apostle That what was gain to me I counted loss for Christ yea doubtless and I count all things but losse for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord for whom I have suffered the loss of all things and do count them but dung that I may win Christ and be found in him c. Phil. 3 7 8 9 c. and as God had exalted Christ to be a Prince and a Saviour Acts 5. 31. and had chosen him as the only excellent one in whom he had placed life and salvation for people Mat. 12. 18. so my soul did approve of it to be the most excellent way and I trust could truly say with the Spouse he is the chiefest of ten thousand ye he is one and there is not another Cant. 5. 10. Act. 4. 12. and the more I came to apprehend the glory of the Gospel in the free tenders and invitations of Christ to sinners the more still I was affected with it and did admire it and seeing the tenders of grace so free and the invitations so general that whosoever would come might come and take of the water of life freely Esay 55. 1. Revel 22. 17. and that whosoever came to Christ he would in no wise cast out John 6. 37. by which word come I understood believing vers 40. and then considering the nature of the covenant that it is a covenant of grace free and without all conditions on the creatures part and that the conditions stand only between God and Christ as I then understood by these Scriptures Esay 53. 10. Psal 89. Through these considerations I was not only encouraged but the abounding love of Christ did compell and constrain me to cast my self upon him for life and salvation in a way of believing and not in a way of working and to the praise of his grace as I desire never to forget it I did at this time receive the assurance of the love of God in believing the free and full pardon of all my sins That God had laid them all upon Christ and beholding the travel of his soul was satisfyed Esay 53. 11. and well pleased with me in him Mat. 3. 17. and that they were all carried into the wildernes of forgetfulness and buried in Oblivion according to that type of Christ Levit. 16. 21 22. and that they were washed away in his blood Revel 1. 5. and that God would remember them no more Heb. 8. 12. and 10. 17. These Scriptures with some others of the like nature were by the Spirit of God set home so powerfully upon my heart at that time that truly I cannot express the joyfulness and sweetness of my condition not being able to contain my self from calling to others to tell them what God had done for my soul how he had brought me out of bondage into the glorious liberty of adoption and filled me with joy and peace in believing yea with joy unspeakable and full of glory Rom. 15. 13. 1 Pet. 1. 8. and I remember for a long time after I did delight to be almost continually speaking or meditating of the glory of the free grace of God in the Gospel and of his bounty and goodness to poor sinners and to me the chief of sinners for I know more evill by my self than I do by any other yet doubtless I can say as it was once said of the Thessalonians The Gosspel came not to me at that time in word only but in power and much assurance and joy in the Holy Ghost 1 Thes 1. 5. and whereas formerly I thought that to receive such a principle was the ready way to be loose and carnal I did
believe that as justification and sanctification are inseparable 2 Thes 2. 13. and that as one end of Christs death was as well to redeem his people from all iniquity and the power of sin as from the punishment of sin so the power of grace was more strong and able to keep me from sin than all the legal bands and slavish fears in the world Tit. 2. 11. and though possibly I might meet with some temptations of that nature yet to the praise of his grace I can truly say I never found my heart more engaged for God and godliness and more disingaged from sin than now which the Lord keep me so and all his Amen Some brief Observations from this third note of Experience FIrst concerning my confidence in my former condition before I knew these things from thence I observe That persons may be very confident on false grounds And that it is not the confidence that makes the condition good but the grounds of it For though still I say I am inclined to own the work of conversion to be begun in me at that time before said by some accidental or providential scatterings of the seed of the Gospel yet through false teaching those seeds were so buried under the ashes of legal righteousness that there was a greater power required to blow off those ashes and to carry on that work than if it had never been begun according to that forementioned place Matth. 21. 31. how hard then must it needs be to begin that work where there is only such a righteousness from thence I observe That Legal righteousnesse where the work of conversion is begun in a soul is a great obstruction to the carrying on and perfecting of that work Secondly Concerning the manner of the dealings of God with me in the manifestation of his Love and Grace which was at this time by reading as indeed however God is pleased to deal with others yet with me I cannot say but what I have received I have alwaies received by and through some means from whence J observe That it is good to wait on God in the use of all means for though the holy One of Israel is not limitted yet ordinarily he works by means and leaves no ground in holy Scripture to expect him out of means Thirdly Concerning my idolizing those fore-mentioned Ministers being kept by it from reading or hearing any other doctrine but theirs from thence I observe That it is a dangerous thing to esteem of persons above what is meet and to be implicitly lead by them in spiritual things Fourthly Concerning my not receiving the doctrine of Free Grace for fear of carnal liberty from thence I observe That such as are ignorant of the Free Grace of God are subject to this mistake to think it the way to sin when indeed there is no true holiness without it Fiftly concerning its being so hard to me to lay down my own righteousness c. and yet that I should do it with so much Joy when I saw cleerly the righteousness of Christ to excell all from thence I observe That though it is a very hard thing for persons eminent in legal righteousness to lay it down and submit to the righteousness of God by faith yet the appearance of the transcendent excellency of Christs righteousness will make them do it with joy Sixthly Concerning my being so much affected with the Free Grace of God at my first receiving it that I could not but declare it to others from thence I observe That the glad tidings of the Gospel being applyed by the Spirit of Christ so glads the heart that when the soul first receives it its like fire that cannot be hid Seventhly Concerning the effect of the Free Grace of God upon my heart engaging me more to himself and disingaging me more from sin from thence I observe That there is no engagement so strong to keep the soul from sinning against God as the Free Grace of God nor nothing more endeers the heart to God Yet doubtless where there is nothing but only the notion of it there is the greatest advantage to Satan that can be and usually such persons are the worst of all others For though Gospel bonds be the best to be tyed from sin by yet in many respects its better to be tyed by Legal bonds than none at all yet for Saints to be so tyed is not only carnal and below their privilege but a great dishonour to Christ and an undervaluing of the Free Grace of God which above all things ought to be exalted by us as that alone by which we are truly exalted and therefore ought to ly as the strongest engagements on Saints hearts to keep them from sin and seeing all that we are have or ever shall have as to happiness here or glory hereafter is all of Grace I desire for ever to admire it and to live in the glory of it by faith But this I find of all other the hardest Lesson yea so hard that unto this day I have cause to complain of an unbelieving heart in many things and I have often experienced that to bring over the heart to believe and to keep it up in believing is no less than the mighty power and gift of God John 6. 65. Phil 1. 29. Ephesi 1. 19. yet in this I have strong consolation that I am kept by his power 1 Peter 1. 5. and he hath said I will never leave thee nor forsake thee Hebrews 13. 5. and as the Lord once said to Peter Though Satan should desire to winow me like Wheat yet he hath prayed for me and my Faith shall not fail and though the very reason why some persons do not believe is for want of a clear understanding of the Free Grace of God in the general tenders of it to sinners yet all that have that understanding do not believe John 12. 17. there were some whose hearts were hardned that they could not believe and Acts 13. 41. it was said of the Jews they should in no waies believe the Work of God though a man declare it to them that is to say though they did understand it and as Faith is wrought in the soul by God so it is that by which we most honour him and without which it is impossible to please him Faith works many waies and it is an excellent thing to be strong in faith as we may see in those Worthies Hebrews 11. It is the very life of Saints Galatians 2. 20. and without it there is no life in them John 6. 53. and as there is no life without it so there is no life above it till grace be swallowed up in glory For the just shall live by faith Hebrews the 10. verse 38. but though faith acts many waies and about many things yet it must alwaies act in free grace and there is no room for it elsewhere for when we go to exercise faith out of Free Grace it is weak and feeble and ready to
be turned aside by the least repulse but being there acted all falls before it as Dagon before the Ark whether sin law or devill Sin falls before it as its an Instrument or means by which God purifies the heart Acts 15. 9. the law falls before it as it takes the righteousnes of Christ by which it is perfectly fulfilled Rom. 10. 4. Satan falls before it as it is that by which we quench all his fiery darts Ephes 6. 16. And as in this way I did at first receive the pardon of sin and so the knowledge of my interest in the Lord Jesus for Justification Redemption and Salvation So I have no other way as I believe there is no other by which I still retain those glorious privileges than in the same way in which I did first receive them namely through grace by faith not by any thing that is in me or done by me not by acts of obedience works of righteousness or submission to ordinances all which are too low and too little to keep up my union with God but I desire to appear in these as they are commanded by God and as they are fruits and effects of faith and through which I have communion with God and his people which is a very great privilege and I desire that all Saints may so esteem of them and by no means slight them but I do likewise desire that none may esteem of them above what 's meet as to glory in them or to place that in them which is only peculiar to the Lord Jesus himself who is our All in All Colossi 3. 11. Who of God is made unto us wisdome righteousness sanctification and redemption that he that glorieth may glory in the Lord 1 Cor. 1. 30 31. And doubtless it is a great abuse to Christ and Ordinances to glory in them which we are subiect to do when we live not in the beholding of him through the riches of his grace by Faith which as I said before is the highest life and so far as I have experienced the excellency and glory of it I can say with the Apostle I desire to know nothing but Christ and him crucified 1 Cor. 2. 2. and God forbid that I should glory in any thing save in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ Gal. 1. 14. I may further say of my experience in this matter as David of the Sword of Goliah There is none like it 1 Sam. 21. 9. or as the Apostle said to the Corinthians That though they had ten thousand Instructors yet not many Fathers so though I had ten thousand experiments yet I have none like this For all must center here and without this all is nothing And herein me thinks the glory and excellency of the life of faith in Free Grace doth much appear in that the weak and strong Christian do both meet and are satisfyed in it the highest capacity may be exercised in learning more of it and yet the lowest may reach it so as to live and have strong consolation in it and Fools shall not erre therein Isaiah the 35. chapter verse 8. This is that new and living way by the blood of Jesus Hebrews ch 10. verses 19 20. the richest and highest favour that ever was bestowed on the children of men to him therefore be glory and praise for evermore The fourth Note of Experience how I was convinced and brought to submit to Baptism and Church-fellowship commanded by Christ. BEing through mercy now well satisfied in point of Justification Redemption and Salvation though I had nothing to do to be saved yet I had much to do to glorifie God in relation to Sanctification and Obedience but notwithstanding all my former experience in point of Faith I was very ignorant of Baptism and all other duties and Ordinances relating to the visible practice of Believers onely I had some dark apprehensions of separation and a Church way by reason of which I had thoughts to join with some who were called Independents but considering how I had formerly been mistaken about things of that nature I was not hasty to practise it untill I was better satisfied being somewhat at a loss about it then after some time I heard of Baptism though I had no acquaintance with any that practised it yet knowing there were such did occasion me to search the Scriptures about it and by several places in the Acts with that in Mat. 28. 19. I was in a great measure convinced that Baptism of Believers was an Ordinance of Christ and that there could be no true Church without it and that Baptizing of Infants is that for which I could find no ground in Scripture and by degrees I was so fully satisfied in it and I thought the Scriptures were so plain and clear for it that I did much wonder at my own ignorance that I should be a professor so long and so frequent in reading Scripture and yet ignorant of that which was so plainly therein exprest then coming to London to that end namely to be instructed in the waies of God more perfectly not knowing the like means else where I went many times to hear in the Churches of Christ by which through the great blessing of God I was more and more satisfied about it yet notwithstanding all this by hearkning to the delusions of my own heart and Satans instruments I met with many interruptions and temptations that kept me from my duty at least one whole year after some of those temptations were these First I thought though the Saints of old did practise these things yet as they were now practised it was some kind of bondage and below the privilege of the Gospell to be tyed to a particular people especially in relation to hearing for I thought I should not forbear hearing some particular men who were not in the order of the Gospell that formerly I used to hear A second thing that hindred me was the failings and miscarriages of some particular persons then in the Churches A third hinderance was I thought it my liberty to do or not do it A fourth hinderance was in relation to Persecution I judged I should not be fit to suffer for it though a truth of Christ untill all those Scruples were removed These with others of the like nature were the groundlesse thoughts that kept me from my duty but though kept back by these for a time yet I had such strong convictions that I could not leave it so but was much endevouring after satisfaction and in the use of means God was pleased to satisfy me but by reason of persecution there was no Church I knew of but onely in London and therefore I could not immediately do it but being to be married soon after I was to live in London and then I resolved to submit to this Ordinance of Christ but when I came to London I heard all kind of preachers one of which preached a strange kind of doctrine much notional which bred such
as 1 Thes 5. 17. c. but yet notwithstanding I was dissatisfyed about it that notion of waiting carrying such a shew of spirituality I could not easily let it go but yet this tryall had so shaken it that I did begin much to question it and also those other notions of the like nature then it pleased the Lord to bring us safe to Land through which mercy I had some little communion with God being able to speak of his goodness in delivering us from that danger but through that dissatisfaction which still remained in me about these notions it was interrupted again and my beloved had withdrawn himself and I was very much troubled not knowing where to rest nor what to do but notwithstanding I did begin much to question those things from that trial I had of them on the Sea yet I was more inclined to them than to truth for some time especially to that of prayer and three or four times after I remember in discourse with some friends I did a little plead for them which though it was my sin so to do I did not then know it but must needs say I did as simply and sincerely aim at doing the wil of God in all those things as ever I did in any thing and therefore though Satan had so beguiled me yet I obtained mercy because I did it ignorantly but my trouble and want of communion with God did still increase insomuch that I was scarce able to bear my burthen and speaking of it to my Husband who was at that time much in the same condition I remember amongst many words he spake some were to this purpose That seeing we were in such a condition and at such a loss it was best to speak but little that as we did but little good we might do but little harm which I did well approve of and after that I spake little for or against any thing till I was better satisfyed then being so truly in a day of adversity according to that counsel of the Wise man in Eccles 7. 14. I sate down seriously to consider what might be the cause of my being in so sad and strange a condition Through which consideration by degrees I came to see and conclude that certainly there was something amiss in my Judgement as to those notions beginning clearly to discern they did so oppose and contradict my former received principles that they could not stand together but if one was true the other was false and that I must leave the one or the other for though I had received the new I could never fully quit the old neither in Judgement nor practice Then I was restless in my desire for three or four daies to know which of the two were truth oft times earnestly begging of God that he would decide the controversie and discover to me which was according to his mind and which not being fully satisfied that but one of them could be truth then it pleased the Lord to put me upon a particular examination what grounds I had in Scripture and what experience I had of both in reading and examining my scripture-Scripture-grounds I began to discern a great inclination in my heart to the former principles finding I thought the Scripture very full and plain for them but nothing for the other but what was from some dark mysterious interpretations which were very doubtfull and for my own experience I did remember and was constrained to acknowledge that in receiving and keeping close to the fotmer I had joy and peace and much satisfaction and communion with God but since I received the other the Lord had as it were hid his face from me and I was filled with confusion and distraction and the remembrance of that tryall I had of them upon the Sea did very much help me now to see the falsity of them that in a time of tryal I durst not stick to them as indeed I plainly saw that I could never stick to them so as to answer them fully in my practice unless I should have laid aside the appearance of godliness have been very profane the consideration of which with some other evill consequences which I saw cleerly did naturally attend those things was another means by which the Lord was pleased to recover me from them and to discover Satan under his veil to me how by these things he did intend if the Lord had not prevented him to have stript me of all my hopes and in particular as to that of being saved by a Christ within and not by a Christ without the Lord was pleased to shew me that it was quite another thing differing from the Gospel and that it was attended with this evil consequence even to overthrow the whole Gospel and to deny the Lord that bought them at the thoughts of which my soul did tremble and that if he should have prevailed here all my hopes were gone for I could not nor durst not rest on any thing in my self as a ground of hope for life and salvation but on the other hand concerning my hope in the Lord Jesus Christ according to the Gospel I could truly say of that as Peter did John 6. 68. Lord whither shall we go thou hast the words of eternal life so whither should I go from the Gospel there are the words of eternal life there is all my rest and hopes in the Lord Jesus through the Gospel and therefore I resolved in the strength of Christ to stick to this and leave the other Then secondly as to that of waiting for a power to pray and that there was no command but from within concerning both these the Lord was pleased to shew me that it was not according to his mind but a meer invention of Satan by degrees to draw me from my duties and that it was attended with this evil consequence even to slight the Scriptures and commands of God and to expose the Soul to Satans deceivings to walk by the imaginations of their own hearts instead of the motions of the spirit and also it brings the soul into great uncertainties which the truth never doth but on the other hand to do dueties in obedience to the authority and commands of God in Scripture and to pray at all times as we have opportunities having received a principle of grace by which we are made capable of prayer I saw this was a cleer and sound truth not being attēded with any evill consequence nor bringing the soul into straits and uncertainties but rather gives enlargements in every condition and therefore I desired likewise to keep close to these and leave the other but oh the joy and comfort that was in my Soul at this return I cannot express it but this I say it was to me as life from the dead And as I was blessing praising and magnifiing the Lord for his unchangeable goodness to me my Husband having been some time from me came home to whom I did declare my
truth Another reason why many Saints were so deceived in those daies as I apprehend was That they being but newly come to the faith were expos'd to great temptations having but little means of strength against them it may be far from a Church or else in a Church where were false Teachers as in those dayes there were very many by reason of which many were deceived whereas others who were as weak if not weaker being in Churches where there were sound Teachers were kept from them which may be a caution as to particular persons to take heed what and whom they hear so to Churches who they permit to be Teachers and not to suffer any unsound doctrine to be taught It may also be a word of remembrance to all that do enjoy this great mercy to have sound and faithful Teachers highly to esteem them for their works sake and to account such worthy of double honour giving them all due respect and encouragement that they may do their work with joy and not with grief according to Hebrews 13. 17. 1 Thessal 5. 12 13. 1 Timothy 5. 17. Other reasons may be given for the Saints mistake in those things but I shall mention no more intending only my own experience For I can truly say that upon a diligent search and enquiry what might be the cause of my own mistakes I find them to be no other but these very things exprest As First I was weak in principles as indeed I had never been under much means to be otherwise Secondly I am conscious to my self of some extreme in minding truth as it relates to the inward man though truly I know not that I did slight any Ordinance or command of Christ but that I did rather highly esteem of them but not to lessen sin it is possible there may be something of that nature though I know it not Thirdly I am sure I was exposed to great temptations of this kind having little means of strength against them finding so many corrupted though through mercy it is better now that breach being made up with great advantage for which I desire with all Saints to praise the Lord for ever for doubtless the Saints advantage in their enlarged experience and confirmation in the truth is so great by these things that I cannot expres it Again it calls for praise that as the Lord hath turned it to our great advantage so he hath wonderfully disappointed the expectations of the devil and wicked men who were ready to say as in Psa 35. 25. All so would we have it verily concluding that though they could not suppress us by their persecuting power yet now we would destroy our selves as indeed we might have so done had not the Lord prevented and we may say it was the Lords doing and it is marvellous in our eyes And whereas some by reason of those things have been ready to question our practice whether it be of God Let them know that there is no ground from thence to question it seeing it is no more than what hath been in those Churches in the Apostles daies and what they did foretell should be in these daies 1 Corinth 15. 12. 1 Timothy 1. 19. 2 Timothy 2. 18. 2 Peter 2. 12. Acts 20. 30. But if it were a safe ground to judge of truth by what hath appeared in relation to those things then there is more ground of confirmation that what we practise is of God seeing that notwithstanding those things we have been so wonderfully preserved as we are unto this day but though these things may be something as to the ignorant yet yet the rule by which we judge of our practice is only as it hath its ground and rise in holy Scripture being built upon the foundation of the Apostles and Prophets Jesus Christ himself being the chief Corner Stone Therefore it hath never been any scruple at all to me for though some have denyed the Churches and turned their ears from hearing the truth and have turned to fables yet the Churches and truth is the same as God is the same Now as for the grounds or reasons why some of the Saints themselves have so done I shall say nothing because as I said before I intend no more but my own experience and through the mercy of God I was never so far corrupted as to question either the Scriptures Churches or Ordinances of Christ much less to withdraw from them or to give any just occasion to be withdrawn from by them yet notwithstanding I do not in the least question the reality of those poor souls who have been so far overcome and are through mercy again returned and as for such as never return I shall leave them to be judged by the Lord who only is the judge of those that are without 1 Cor. 5. 13. Having thus far considered of these allegorical notions how they are the worst of all errors and the greatest mystery of iniquity in that they are more deceiving than others promising the greatest good but leading directly to the greatest evil and having given some reasons as I judge why the Saints in these daies have been so generally deceived by them I shall further proceed to consider what may be the end of God in permitting it so to be First I conceive it may be in general that such as were approved may be made manifest agreeable to 1 Cor. 11. 9. which accordingly hath been many by those things were made manifest to be approved though others that were not have appeared to be what they are But Secondly and more particularly I believe the Lord had many good ends in it both in relation to himself in relation to them and in relation to others of his people it may be some that are yet unborn First In relation to himself for the exaltation of his praise that when they should come to see how great their deliverance was and what an addition to all their former mercies they might admire his goodness and break forth into the high praises of his name and that all the daies of their lives when this mercy comes into their thoughts For my own particular I can truly say that the mercy of God to me in relation to those things I look upon it as the greatest mercy that ever I received from the Lord next the manifestation of his Love in Jesus Christ through the Gospel But Secondly In relation to them so deceived that they should have enlarged experience of the fulness of God and of their own nothingness and of the sweetness and excellency of truth above error how it doth excell it as far as light excells darkness and live more upon God and less upon themselves in faith and humility and in the increase of all grace in more cleerness of understanding and knowledge of the Truth for doubtless through the goodness of the Lord who hath promised to do his people good by every thing they do gain by it in all these in some measure
for my own particular I must needs say though I am still but weak yet through mercy my gain by those things is so great that I would not be without it though I desire not to purchase any more at that rate Thirdly In relation to others that through their experience they might be the more able to forewarn others who may meet with the like temptations for certainly had the Saints in those daies had that experience of Satans workings in that nature which now they have and had the Mouth of truth been so open against it as it is at this day it would doubtless have prevented much and therefore by the way I must needs say I am perswaded it will be a great aggravation of sin for any to be taken or held by those things when there is so much means to avoid them as through the mercy of God there is in these daies almost in every place Now the Lord having these and other such like ends in permitting those things I desire that my self with others who have experienced them in any measure may be carefull to answer those ends for doubtless if our deliverance be of God and that we are cleerly brought off from those confusions we shall answer all those ends of God in some measure In the next place as to the way and means by which the Lord hath been pleased to recover his people from these things I shall say little because I believe it hath been various some by one means some by another as they were in various Conditions for my own particular I have declared at large how it was with me only these General heads I shall again remind First I was brought into great straits and much confusion in Judgement Secondly the Lord was pleased to withdraw his presence from me Thirdly Being sensible of that confusion and want of communion with God I was put upon enquiry into my own heart what might be the reasons of it Fourthly It pleased the Lord to make me willing to be informed and to examine things by the Scriptures Fifthly he was pleased to draw forth my heart with much earnestness to seek to him by prayer which through great mercy was largely answered And thus I doubt not but by what I have written it will appear that I have not without good grounds both from Scripture and experience Judged those things to be the greated mystery of iniquity and the most dangerous and worst of all errors And here I cannot but mind something further as to the continuation of those things which is as they are the worst of all others so their time is short for according to my most serious observation wherever they come and where they continue longest their rise reign and ruin is all accomplished in a few years for in a short time generally persons have been so confounded that they have either come to see themselves deluded and so have turned from them or else they have run to absolute Atheism and so ended there I shall now only answer one objection as to my own experience and so end this discourse Some have said that I cannot judge of these things by experience because according to what I have declared I never had but little experience of them but only in three or four things and those I could never fully come up to neither in Judgement nor practise neither could I leave these outward things which all must leave before they can see the glory of the inward And those that have not put themselves on such things but were led to them by the Father have and do see that glory This Objection hath specious words but weighed in the ballance of the Sanctuary will be found lighter than vanity with the rest of the like nature which I hope is already made manifest only I shall add a few words by way of Answer First for my Experience as to my self in particular I confess through the mercy of God it was far short of that which many precious ones in those daies fell into yet I can truly say it was so much as did cleerly discover to me the nature and tendency of them all to be so vile that I I do not know any thing that ever I did since I knew God that I can own with more shame to my self than those things Secondly for my experience as to others I have seen and known that sufficiently to satisfy me that there is no such glory in them but a meer delusion but I desire to judge by experience no otherwise than as it hath relation to the holy Scriptures for though I do very highly esteem of Christian experience as to the operations and effects of truth in the soul as indeed it is the very life of Christianity yet as to rule I value one word of Scripture more than all experience and I am sure the Scriptures will not own them which are the rule and touch-stone by which I desire to try and judge all things For that which the Scripture sets up they throw down and that which the Scripture forbids they set up for instance the Scripture exalts the Lord Jesus Christ in all his Actions Offices and Ordinances they set up somthing else in opposition to this calling it fleshly carnal and outward things and for the fathers leading persons to them which words carry indeed a seeming shew of excellency but it s a meer delusion There is no such thing for the Father and Christ are one and what was appointed by Christ was appointed by the Father John 10. 3. 14. 24. and he doth not lead from his own appointments but those that continue in them he will love and he will send his Spirit to them which shall abide with them for ever Joh. 14. 16. and the Father and Christ will come to them and make their abode with them verse 23. I having already written that which may more fully answer this objection shall say no more but desire that all the Lords people may be delivered and kept from such deceivings The sixt Note of Experience in relation to Qualifications the habits of Grace or fruits of the Spirit how and by what means I have and do daily find an increase or decrease in those things TO make way for me to lay down my thoughts as to gracious qualifications I shall first consider the severall kinds of qualifications which I conceive may be three 1. Moral 2. Legal 3. Gospel By Moral I mean such as are from Moral dictates meerly from nature Civility breeding or education By Legal I mean such as are from legal dictates meerly from fear of wrath without any cleer apprehensions of the free grace of God in the Gospel But here I desire to be very tender judging that it is possible there may be some seeds of the Gospell sowen in such hearts by which those qualifications may be wrought though as yet it may not appear neither to themselves nor others that they have received