concerning truth and why many that live a long time under much means yet continue very ignorant it may be ever learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth 2 Ti. 3. 7. and as the seed upon the stony ground withred away because it had no root So truth not being rooted in the heart and iudgement though it spring up in much affection yet it comes to nothing And indeed ignorant persons many times are sooner affected and doe seem to have more affection than others he reason of that I conceive is the same also with that of the seed upon the stony ground it sprang up suddenly because it had not depth of earth so it s natural for ignorant persons to spring forth in affection they having as it were nothing else to do but onely to be affected their strength running all in one vein or in one Chanel they spend all in affection while others that have more understanding have many other things to do all the faculties of their souls being exercised their strength is dispersed into many veins weighing and pondering things in the heart and iudgment that it may have depth to root and settle there as it s said of Mary shee pondred those things in her heart Luke 2. 19. so they are treasuring it up in their hearts having in their treasury things new and old Mat. 12. 35. and 13. 52. and a little affection where there is iudgement is better than a great deal without iudgement yet much affection with a sound iudgment is best of all The second note of Experience How I was brought to see my self in a miserable state by Nature and convinced of sin by the Law and so converted to duty labouring for life by doing though at that time in my own thoughts far from owning such a thing By providence hearing a Minister of the Nation who was then called a Puritan whom though I used often to hear yet I could truly say as the Prophet in Dan. 10. 8. I heard but I understood not and as I was once hearing of him very suddenly I thought I did discern and understand things more clearly and more distinctly than ever I did before that time being much affected with it and did then own God in it having many such thoughts as these that as it was said of Lydia Act. 16. 14. that now the Lord had opened my understanding and now I hoped I should have more knowledge and delight more in hearing and reading whereas before it was wearysome to me because I did not understand any thing but in a confused manner After this I had a great delight to hear this man and though I thought it much on any other occasion to go one mile on foot yet to hear him I could go three and back again the same day frequently and by his Ministery I was brought to see the superstitious varity of my former zeal and laid it aside and I remember that at this time I had such affectionate heart-workings towards God and godliness and such a hatred of all sin according to what I then knew that I did many times in my serious thoughts chuse rather to dy than live meerly upon that account because I would not sin against God knowing my self subject thereunto And though I cannot say that at this time I had faith in God so as to believe his Love to me on Gospel grounds for I was totally ignorant of any such thing many years after yet I had good thoughts of God from that glimmering light which I then had and which did produce in me much love to him as I cannot but so judge But no sooner was I brought to this but Satan was ready to assault me and set upon me with this horrid temptation to question the Being of God and I remēber it usually came upō me when I was alone but especially as I was going by my self to hear the aforesaid Minister insomuch that it did exceedingly trouble me and I then discerned it to be a temptation and did resist and labour against it drawing arguments as I went in the fields from the very works of Creation to confirm my self in this truth that there is a God that it should not be in vain for me or any to serve him and earnestly crying to God against it through Grace I was not overcome by it but had a supply of strength until it was removed and I was no more troubled with it in many years after So I continued a constant hearer of this man and other such like for some years by which I came to see my self in a miserable State by nature and was convinced of sin by the Law but being very ignorant of the Lord Jesus and their doctrine being for the most part such as was suitable to the old covenant instead of going to Christ for life I was brought to a great degree of labour and travell for life and happinesse by doing though at that time in my own thoughts farre from owning such a thing being as exact and strict in all my waies I think I may say as it was possible for a poor creature to be but the more strict I was still looking through the glasse of the law the more my bondage was increased For I could see nothing but an addition of sin in all that I did the law still calling for a perfect righteousness Then I began to be very much troubled and in a great amasement perplexity of spirit fearing I should perish for ever then I had thoughts to discover my condition to some to have advise from them but meeting with many discouragements did not but kept it in my own brest discovering no more but what I could not hide which was onely my outward appearance much differing from what formerly it was which did occasion some to say that I was neer a distraction they not knowing what condition I was in And truly my condition was so sad that I was afraid of a distraction my self for I thought it impossible to continue long in that condition and not be distracted which fear did occasion me to apply my self to some means of comfort whereas before I was not willing to hearken to any thing that way the means I used was chiefly reading praier by which it pleased the Lord I came to some dark apprehensions concerning Jesus Christ being perswaded there was something of that nature which if I could get a right understanding of my condition would be much better but fearing left I should sink under my burthen temptations comming on me like the waves of the Sea I was forced as I went about my occasions often to cry to God like the Disciples in another case Lord save me else I perish Mat. 8. 25. I thought many times I was even sinking under my burthen and I did believe there was no help but only in the Lord and that he was able to do it but whether he would do it or whether he
an Instrument for the good of souls or to propagate the least truth of the Lord Jesus yet I shall be willing to submit to better Judgements hoping through the Blessing of God it may be useful knowing from my own experience I have received much from the Lord by reading but besides the sense of my own unworthiness as I had some discouraging thoughts as to my writing of it at the first so I have met with the like as to my giving way to the publishing of it As first I thought I might seem to some to walk in an untrodden path I having never seen any thing written before in this manner and method but whatever entertainment it may find with such knowing from whom I have received it I am well satisfied my footsteps will be found as for matter so for method and manner among the foot-steps of the flock of Christ where I desire to feed besides the Shepheards Tents Cant. 1. 8 Another thought which did discourage me was knowing I must expect to encounter with Satan in relation to it several waies but believing that which way soever he appears whether to abase or exalt me in my own thoughts the Lord will not be wanting with strength to withstand and resist him and that I shall with advantage be delivered from his snares and temptations Thus resolving to commit my self and it to the blessing of the Almighty desiring it may be accepted of the Saints as the widows mite and that what is weak may be covered with love is the desire of me the unworthy Servant of Christ IANE TURNER The manner how I was put upon the writing these following lines with the reasons and grounds for doing the same THrough the good providence of God I lived in Newcastle for some time where I received many precious mercies from the Lord which I desire may never be forgotten by me and being under a bodily affliction the Lord was pleased so to visit me with his loving kindness that I can truly say it was a time of joy to my soul and indeed I never enjoyed so much sweet communion with God for so long a time together as I did at that time for for the space of seven or eight weeks together I was in a continual converse and exchanging love with God as it were lodging and living in the bosome of Christ and truly I do not remember that in all that time I had one considerable interruption which condition was so sweet and joious to me that it did exceedingly grieve me to think that ever I should forget the particulars thereof finding from sad experience that though I can never forget the substance of such things yet I am prone to forget the particulars the remembrance of which I find to be much for the glory of God and my own comfort and profit especially in times of trial and temptations upon the consideration of which I thought it might be a good way to write them down And calling to mind some of the old loving kindnesses of God towards me I resolved to write down some of them For I do believe I cannot remember the hundreth part of the kind dealings of God towards me so as to write them all but though I cannot remember all yet I may remember some and those I judg most considerable I resolved to write them down But as I had many thoughts of encouragement to do it so I had some thoughts that did discourage me As First I thought it would be very hard if not impossible for me to remember that which hath been so long since so as to write it But the Lord was pleased to satisfy me in this that my ends being such as were agreeable to his will he would according to his promise in my endeavours bring things to my remembrance and truly I was confirmed in believing he would so do from my own experience for I do not remember that ever I set my self seriously to meditate on the former kindness of God towards me but I was much refreshed by it and remembred that which I seemed to have forgotten A Second thought which did discourage me was fearing left through forgetfulness as I knew I should leave out something which was so I might possibly write something which was not which I would not by any means willingly do this I discerned to be a temptation for fear of hypocrisy but God was pleased to satisfy me in it with this resolution that what I did I would do as in his presence and that if there were any thing which was clear to my remembrance that I could not bring in without something which was doubtfull I would rather leave out the one than write the other much less write any thing which was a plain addition and in this resolution I set upon it believing that God would assist and help me desiring not to give way to discouraging thoughts for I have often experienced this that if in writing speaking or doing of any thing whereby God may be glorified we should give way to temptations and discouragements we should do nothing at all For Satan and our own hearts will not be wanting to us that way But with grief of heart I must confess that the greatest discouragements that I have met with have been from the Saints themselves I do not mean only as to this particular but as to other spiritual duties also by which I trust I have learned in some measure to take the more heed how I discorage others and doubtless Saints ought to take great heed left by their giving just occasion of discouragement they quench the Spirit of God in them 2 Thes 5. 1â— quench not the Spirit which that we may not do we ought to endeavour for a Spirit of discerning and for such a carriage by which we may best draw forth the hearts of others in spiritual things not that we should draw or put persons upon that which they have not received or that we should encourage any who put themselves on such things but rather reprove them especially those who so act in a publique way such as the Apostle speaks of who would be preachers of the Law when indeed they know not what they say nor whereof they affirm 1 Tim. 1. 7. the hearing of which hath been no small burthen to my spirit I wish from my soul that not onely particular Saints may be faithful in the discharge of their duty to reprove such but also that the Church would put forth their Authority for the calling of them in and that such brethren onely whose gifts are approved of by the Church may exercise their gifts publiquely and no other that the Saints may not be burthened nor the world blaspheme I shall say no more as to this believing that the Lord will instruct those that are called to that work namely to judge who are fit to be teachers desiring only to caution Saints to take heed of casting stumbling blocks in each others way
meerly by their words that I durst read it no further but sent it home again resolving to stick to my old principles and so resolved I was that I judged it my duty and accordingly did praise the Lord that I had escaped that snare and stumbling block which it was like to be to me till about half a year after these forementioned Ministers not being satisfyed to speak against those books in private only but brought them into their Pulpits reading particular passages which as they read and applyed it was contrary to the sense of it and sometimes I thought they spake more than was true which did occasion me to desire the book again for my better satisfaction but they not being allowed to be sold at that time it was hard to get any of them but through mercy I got one and then I found they did not deal faithfully but did wrest and draw false con sequences contrary to the drist and scope of it all which occasioned serious thoughts in me remembring when I first read it I laid it aside meerly from a spirit of fear and prejudice occasioned by their words and not that I was able to disprove it from Scripture grounds then remembring those words of the Apostle I Thes 5. 21. Try all things and hold fast that which is good I thought it my duty to lay aside all slavish fear and prejudice and to try it exactly by the Scriptures believing that as it was Gods way to try so he would assist me in it which he was pleased to do and as I read I began to be much affected and I thought it was glad tidings and good news if it were true but I thought it was too good to be true for I could not then believe that God was so free of his Christ as to give him to any other sinners but to such as were qualified fitted and prepared for him or that the way to glory was so easy as he seemed to mak it for if it were so then all that labour and travel which I had been a long time in was nothing which I could by no means yield to at that time For as Christ once said to the Jews that Publicans and Harlots enter into the Kingdom before them Mat. 21. 31. so truly I found it so hard to lay down my own legal righteousness and to submit to the righteousness of God by Faith according to Rom. 10. 3. that I was like to stick here when such as were more profane might receive the truth sooner But seriously weighing these with some other such like Scriptures as Rom. 4. 4. and 5. 8. Ephe. 2. through grace I was in a great measure convinced and brought to see that I had been exceedingly mistaken in my understanding and applying of Jesus Christ and whereas I thought I had attained a good degree of knowledge I now saw my self to be very ignorant and must begin again to learn the first principles of the oracles of God which to suffer so much loss was very hard to me at the first but God was pleased by degrees to strip me of all and to shew me such a beauty and excellency in the Lord Jesus above it that I was made not only willing but joyous to lay down all at his feet and I trust could truly say with the Apostle That what was gain to me I counted loss for Christ yea doubtless and I count all things but losse for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord for whom I have suffered the loss of all things and do count them but dung that I may win Christ and be found in him c. Phil. 3 7 8 9 c. and as God had exalted Christ to be a Prince and a Saviour Acts 5. 31. and had chosen him as the only excellent one in whom he had placed life and salvation for people Mat. 12. 18. so my soul did approve of it to be the most excellent way and I trust could truly say with the Spouse he is the chiefest of ten thousand ye he is one and there is not another Cant. 5. 10. Act. 4. 12. and the more I came to apprehend the glory of the Gospel in the free tenders and invitations of Christ to sinners the more still I was affected with it and did admire it and seeing the tenders of grace so free and the invitations so general that whosoever would come might come and take of the water of life freely Esay 55. 1. Revel 22. 17. and that whosoever came to Christ he would in no wise cast out John 6. 37. by which word come I understood believing vers 40. and then considering the nature of the covenant that it is a covenant of grace free and without all conditions on the creatures part and that the conditions stand only between God and Christ as I then understood by these Scriptures Esay 53. 10. Psal 89. Through these considerations I was not only encouraged but the abounding love of Christ did compell and constrain me to cast my self upon him for life and salvation in a way of believing and not in a way of working and to the praise of his grace as I desire never to forget it I did at this time receive the assurance of the love of God in believing the free and full pardon of all my sins That God had laid them all upon Christ and beholding the travel of his soul was satisfyed Esay 53. 11. and well pleased with me in him Mat. 3. 17. and that they were all carried into the wildernes of forgetfulness and buried in Oblivion according to that type of Christ Levit. 16. 21 22. and that they were washed away in his blood Revel 1. 5. and that God would remember them no more Heb. 8. 12. and 10. 17. These Scriptures with some others of the like nature were by the Spirit of God set home so powerfully upon my heart at that time that truly I cannot express the joyfulness and sweetness of my condition not being able to contain my self from calling to others to tell them what God had done for my soul how he had brought me out of bondage into the glorious liberty of adoption and filled me with joy and peace in believing yea with joy unspeakable and full of glory Rom. 15. 13. 1 Pet. 1. 8. and I remember for a long time after I did delight to be almost continually speaking or meditating of the glory of the free grace of God in the Gospel and of his bounty and goodness to poor sinners and to me the chief of sinners for I know more evill by my self than I do by any other yet doubtless I can say as it was once said of the Thessalonians The Gosspel came not to me at that time in word only but in power and much assurance and joy in the Holy Ghost 1 Thes 1. 5. and whereas formerly I thought that to receive such a principle was the ready way to be loose and carnal I did
believe that as justification and sanctification are inseparable 2 Thes 2. 13. and that as one end of Christs death was as well to redeem his people from all iniquity and the power of sin as from the punishment of sin so the power of grace was more strong and able to keep me from sin than all the legal bands and slavish fears in the world Tit. 2. 11. and though possibly I might meet with some temptations of that nature yet to the praise of his grace I can truly say I never found my heart more engaged for God and godliness and more disingaged from sin than now which the Lord keep me so and all his Amen Some brief Observations from this third note of Experience FIrst concerning my confidence in my former condition before I knew these things from thence I observe That persons may be very confident on false grounds And that it is not the confidence that makes the condition good but the grounds of it For though still I say I am inclined to own the work of conversion to be begun in me at that time before said by some accidental or providential scatterings of the seed of the Gospel yet through false teaching those seeds were so buried under the ashes of legal righteousness that there was a greater power required to blow off those ashes and to carry on that work than if it had never been begun according to that forementioned place Matth. 21. 31. how hard then must it needs be to begin that work where there is only such a righteousness from thence I observe That Legal righteousnesse where the work of conversion is begun in a soul is a great obstruction to the carrying on and perfecting of that work Secondly Concerning the manner of the dealings of God with me in the manifestation of his Love and Grace which was at this time by reading as indeed however God is pleased to deal with others yet with me I cannot say but what I have received I have alwaies received by and through some means from whence J observe That it is good to wait on God in the use of all means for though the holy One of Israel is not limitted yet ordinarily he works by means and leaves no ground in holy Scripture to expect him out of means Thirdly Concerning my idolizing those fore-mentioned Ministers being kept by it from reading or hearing any other doctrine but theirs from thence I observe That it is a dangerous thing to esteem of persons above what is meet and to be implicitly lead by them in spiritual things Fourthly Concerning my not receiving the doctrine of Free Grace for fear of carnal liberty from thence I observe That such as are ignorant of the Free Grace of God are subject to this mistake to think it the way to sin when indeed there is no true holiness without it Fiftly concerning its being so hard to me to lay down my own righteousness c. and yet that I should do it with so much Joy when I saw cleerly the righteousness of Christ to excell all from thence I observe That though it is a very hard thing for persons eminent in legal righteousness to lay it down and submit to the righteousness of God by faith yet the appearance of the transcendent excellency of Christs righteousness will make them do it with joy Sixthly Concerning my being so much affected with the Free Grace of God at my first receiving it that I could not but declare it to others from thence I observe That the glad tidings of the Gospel being applyed by the Spirit of Christ so glads the heart that when the soul first receives it its like fire that cannot be hid Seventhly Concerning the effect of the Free Grace of God upon my heart engaging me more to himself and disingaging me more from sin from thence I observe That there is no engagement so strong to keep the soul from sinning against God as the Free Grace of God nor nothing more endeers the heart to God Yet doubtless where there is nothing but only the notion of it there is the greatest advantage to Satan that can be and usually such persons are the worst of all others For though Gospel bonds be the best to be tyed from sin by yet in many respects its better to be tyed by Legal bonds than none at all yet for Saints to be so tyed is not only carnal and below their privilege but a great dishonour to Christ and an undervaluing of the Free Grace of God which above all things ought to be exalted by us as that alone by which we are truly exalted and therefore ought to ly as the strongest engagements on Saints hearts to keep them from sin and seeing all that we are have or ever shall have as to happiness here or glory hereafter is all of Grace I desire for ever to admire it and to live in the glory of it by faith But this I find of all other the hardest Lesson yea so hard that unto this day I have cause to complain of an unbelieving heart in many things and I have often experienced that to bring over the heart to believe and to keep it up in believing is no less than the mighty power and gift of God John 6. 65. Phil 1. 29. Ephesi 1. 19. yet in this I have strong consolation that I am kept by his power 1 Peter 1. 5. and he hath said I will never leave thee nor forsake thee Hebrews 13. 5. and as the Lord once said to Peter Though Satan should desire to winow me like Wheat yet he hath prayed for me and my Faith shall not fail and though the very reason why some persons do not believe is for want of a clear understanding of the Free Grace of God in the general tenders of it to sinners yet all that have that understanding do not believe John 12. 17. there were some whose hearts were hardned that they could not believe and Acts 13. 41. it was said of the Jews they should in no waies believe the Work of God though a man declare it to them that is to say though they did understand it and as Faith is wrought in the soul by God so it is that by which we most honour him and without which it is impossible to please him Faith works many waies and it is an excellent thing to be strong in faith as we may see in those Worthies Hebrews 11. It is the very life of Saints Galatians 2. 20. and without it there is no life in them John 6. 53. and as there is no life without it so there is no life above it till grace be swallowed up in glory For the just shall live by faith Hebrews the 10. verse 38. but though faith acts many waies and about many things yet it must alwaies act in free grace and there is no room for it elsewhere for when we go to exercise faith out of Free Grace it is weak and feeble and ready to
often moving into several places where we found not only particular persons but whole Churches very much corrupted owning practising strange things though under plausible terms and spiritual pretences by which a while after they were broken and scattered leaving the profession of truth in the practice of the Ordinances of Christ some under one notion and some under another so that it was hard to find in those parts one particular person that had sound principles much less a whole Church where there was a powerful Ministery and a wise government by reason of which I began by degrees to be somewhat confused in Judgement and truly when I consider those things and what temptations I was exposed to at that time I do not wonder I was so confused but I rather wonder at the mercy of God that I was not swallowed up with confusion as many were in those daies for though I was weak in principles and by those things somewhat confused yet I do not know that in two or three years time I had received any corrupt principles but afterward being with a people where Satan had transformed himself into an Angell of light I think I may say in the highest degree under terms of Mystery Spirit waiting upon God and such like by them I was beguiled and deceived in some particular things though never in the height of that which was practised by them the particulars about which I was deceived were chiefly these three or four First Concerning godliness being a mystery that it did consist of something within and not of something without and and that the Saints were to expect life and Salvation from a Christ within and not from a Christ without Secondly that Saints were not to do duties by or from a command without but from a command within and that the word Command in Scripture was not a command to them till they had a word within them Thirdly that as to the time of doing duties they were to wait for the movings of the Spirit to carry them forth to it and this they called waiting for a power and till they had such a power they were to do nothing but sit still and wait and this not only in private duties but in the Church also not owning any Ministery by way of gifts or office but to come together and there fit and wait till they had a power and then to speak whether men or women In these particulars which carriried such a face or shew of spirituality I was corrupted but did never fully own them in Judgement nor practice and for such principles as I thought did lead to loosness either in matter of conveâ—sion or in slighting the Churches or ordinances of Christ I did alwaies oppose them though I believe such principles do naturally follow the others but I did not then discern it they being covered over with such Angel-like appearances And as to that principle of waiting though I did own it in Judgement more fully than any of these other yet I could neveâ— come up to it in my practice in private duties but by reason of some convictions still remaining in me I could not stay so long from duty till I had such a power but did frequently go to duty when I had it not though sometimes I thought I had it But in the presence of others I did not appear in duty but when I thought I had that power though I never did so appear but in one place for a short season in doing which I thought I had communion with God but I do believe it was no such thing but a meer Spirit of delusion First because I know no scripture-Scripture-ground for such a practice and secondly from the consideration of the sad fruit I had by it for after a little time I began to lose my peace and was very much troubled having little or no communion with God nor scarce any thing to speak to or for God and so confounded I was in my own spirit that I knew not what to do and speaking of it to some and those not a few they labored to perswade me it was a dispensation of God and that the Saints after they were brought out of Egypt must be in the wilderness before they come to Canaan and that the end of God in bringing them there was that he might speak comfortably to them and therefore I was not to be troubled but to be quiet fit still and wait and not to stir the Lord till he pleased this did not at all satisfy me but I continued in a very sad condition and one thing more by the way I cannot forget and that is that while I was in this condition I never was so troubled with temptations as I was at that time One temptation which I was troubled with many years before I was kept from until at this time which now was more violent than at first as indeed those things naturally lead to such temptations which temptation is the same expressed in the beginning of the book page 25. This was the sad fruit of my straying from the pure waies of truth which as I desire ever to own with shame to my self so likewise considering the temptations I was exposed to and the little means I had to forewarn and keep me from such things I desire for ever to bless the Lord that I strayed no further that though in these things I had much forgotten him yet he was pleased to remember me and shewed me the evil and danger of these notions and restored me to those former joies that once I had in him and made that which was intended by Satan to overthrow me to be of great advantage to me which he was pleased to do after this manner Having some occasion to undertake a passage on the Sea from London to Newcastle in which condition it pleased the Lord to reprove me by the raging waves of the Sea and tempestuous storms then began my trouble to increase but not so much from that which was without as from something within the waves of the Sea not beating so fast on the Ship as the waves of temptations did arise in my heart being in a very much-troubled dissatisfyed condition not finding my heart willing to submit to God neither indeed knowing how to behave my self towards him in relation to the present trouble all which was occasioned by those corrupt principles being at a great loss whether I should now pray or wait for a power not being sensible of any other power at that time but what was from the present trouble to put me upon it but in this trial I was glad to betake my self to my former principles the Lord bringing to my remembrance that command and promise Psa 50. 15. by which I was encouraged to cry to God as indeed I could not nor durst not forbear for still owning my interest in God by which I was made capable of prayer I could not answer that with such other like Scriptures