may prove the reallest advantage of spiritual good to my soul yet fearing whether it do indeed come from him or no causeth some trembling upon my spirit how to act if it be a plot of his it is a fair one arising after this manner having often found great appearances of God as I hope I may say to his praise I have in other of his ordinances but finding my heart oftentimes very much shut up as it were and given over to deadness dulness and heaviness of spirit which was no way suitable to a spiritual heart and soul-quickning ordinance and finding this very much to prevail even at this present desiring your prayers that the Lord would direct me what to do by discovering to my soul whether indeed it doth arise from a subtilty of Sathan yea or no or whether it be a lively alarum from heaven to my soul thus trembling in my self whether my forbearance may not be found a yeilding to Sathan or whether on the other side I may not attempt and provoke the Lord by rushing unpreparedly upon his holy things thus desiring to give up my self into the hands of the Lord waiting for the breathings of his spirit through the help of your prayers I beseech the Lord alone to guide and lead my soul in all its motions and actions in this present world untill he shall bring it to a full enjoyment of himself in the perfection of holiness which my soul waiteth and longeth for where I shall fully enjoy what now my poor soul hath but a transient taste of which the Lord accomplish in his own time and make me willing to wait my appointed time until my change come that when ever my Lord comes I may be found watching The 10 of this 8 moneth oh my soul did not the Lord give me a gracious answer and return to this desire and prayer forementioned even whiles thou wert pouring out thy soul before the Lord wherein thou didst lament the corruption of thy heart begging of the Lord that he would subdue this wicked frame of spirit this deadness and dulness in his services and continuing issuing out of corruption pleading and arguing it out with the Lord after this manner that though thou wert unworthy altogether to beg any mercy from him or this mercy yet were there not others of his poor servants that were pleading with him for my poor soul nay was not my Lord Jesus now at his right hand pleading for me that I might not be pulled out of his hand For how can the Lord endure wickedness any lust or corruption to possesse my heart and take the Scepter out of his hand and so to rule and reign over me nay could my soul bear it to be thus over-powred and to have my heart thus drawn from Christ and thus captivated by sinne and Sathan when one word of his mouth could set my soul at liberty beseeching the Lord to search me and to try me for he knew whether those desires and teares and groanes came from my heart yea or no yea I know thou dost search me and knowest my heart but Lord discover also to me and if there be any hypocrisy in my spirit in this regard oh that thou wouldest answer me so by fire to consume that drosse and corruption in my soul yea whatsoever thyrighteous eyeseeth in me that is darkening to thy glory and withall telling the Lord how like a flood of mighty waters this corruption come in upon me one wave following another that I had no power to withstand it though he had discovered much of himself to my sonl and of the riches of his grace and emptiness of all other things that yet my soul should so run after vanity beseeching the Lord to give a real turn to all the affections of my soul and to fix them upon the Lord Jesus Christ where they shall be sure to be returned This was in the morning of the 10. day then did the Lord further satisfie and quiet my heart in my Evening sacrifice that same day his spirit breathed in my soul after this manner dear Lord oh that thou wouldest suppresse this spirit of murmuring under thy hand and if thou wilt have thy poor creature still to wrestle and strive under a body of death and corruption and temptations and snares and intanglements oh that thou wouldst help me in this work that I may not yeild under it but may hold out in a continual resistance and sighing and never give over or making any peace with sinne and though thou dost not see meet utterly to root out sinne yet oh Lord give it its deadly blow let it be still dying and withering and decaying and work in my soul growing and increasing even untill thou hast fully perfected it About the tenth of this eighth month this experience was given in to my soul by the Lord concerning Sathans dealing with my soul and some refreshments to support my spirit under it Oh my soul hath not Sathan dealt with thee concerning this great ordinance of the Lords supper even as he hath formerly done concerning the great duty of prayer how often hath he suggested to thee that it is to no end to pray to the Lord reasoning thus with thee oftentimes dost thou think there is any such God as thou prayest to did he ever hear thee or give thee any token of answer why then dost thou continually appeal to him and pour out thy soul before him and hath he not done just thus about this ordinance of the Lords Supper thou wicked spirit how often hast thou been proved a lyar what eminent tokens hath God given me of his hearing prayer from time to time both concerning my self and others and therein have proved thee a lyar and why then oh my soul shouldst thou not beleeve that Sathan will also prove a lyar in this is not the Lord yesterday and to day and for ever is his arm shortened or his hand weakened that he cannot save and deliver and appear to thee in as glorious a manner as ever oh then wait for him and what if thou waitest untill thy dissolution it will be happinesse more then thou dost deserve to be found waiting yet thou dost not know how soon he may appear to thee About the middle of the eight month 1653 O my soul what are thy continued fears are they not lest any thing should withdraw or steal away thy heart from the Lord dost not thou daily beg of him rather to crucifie all thy earthly desires what ever then any way to satisfie any of them A Letter to Mr. Knight the sixteenth of the eighth Moneth 1653. In Answer to the former desire to him the ninth of the same moneth to blesse the Lord for the Answer Dear Sir Having formerly in the time of my sadnesse desired your remembrance before the Lord who hath appeared in prayer both publick and private as also many other wayes thereby staying my poor spirit to wait upon him
is the Lord that brought us up out of the Land of Aegypt that led us through the Wilderness through a Land of Desarts and of Pits through a Land of drought of the shadow of death through a Land that no man passes through and where no man dwelt v. 7 Brought you into a plentiful Land to eat the fruit thereof and the goodness thereof but you entred you defiled my land and made my Heritage an abomination And was not this my condition How did the Lord with a strong and mighty hand bring me out of the Egyptian Bondage that sad slavery that I was in under Satan and those cruel Taskmasters he set over me in my ovvn heart and conscience my corruptions and guilt which laid insupportable burthens upon me both vvaies commanding me to make brick laying the Law before me but giving me no strength to do it nay continually hindering and pulling me back from it and yet scourging me for all the neglect of it yea through a Wilderness through a Land of Desarts did he carry me in vvhich I thought I savv my self vvholly deserted of God which was no small trouble to me through a Land of Pits yea Pits on every hand into which I was ready still to fall through a Land of Drought wherein my soul was ready to faint in me for thirst after the Lord yea through the shadow of Death And oh how then hath the Lord brought me into the shadow of death time after time laying me on my sick bed and pale death still looking me in the face with dreadful terrors and amazement yea to the very Pits brinck of hell in my own apprehensions which is the worst of deaths yea through a Land where no man passeth or dwells having none to condole my misery none being acquainted with it or me but wandering as it were by my self thinking and deeming that no soul was in half so sad a condition as I was but on the contrary hath not the Lord since oh that I could but bless his Name for it brought me into a plentiful Country shined upon my soul given me some tastes and glimpse I hope of the good Land which whiles I was thus entering into I did sadly wax careless and remiss after some time and too much taken with the vanities of this World and letting out my heart too much to the creature-comforts v. 9 Wherefore saith the Lord I will plead with you and with your childrens children will I plead hath any Nation changed their gods which are no gods but my people have changed their glory for that which doth not profit v. 13. They have committed two evils they have forsaken me the Fountain of living waters and hewed on t to themselves Cisterns broken Cisterns that can hold no water Oh! may not the Lord righteously complain thus of me have not I too much declined from him and run out after creatures in my affections and desires and placed too much happiness in other things which have been made appear to be broken Cisterns that could not hold any Water V. 14 15 16 And now saith the Lord Why art thou speiled have the Lyons roared upon thee and is thy Crown spoiled v. 17. Hast thou not procured this to thy self in that thou hast forsaken the Lord thy God whon he led thee by the way Oh! may not the Lord rghteously say thus to thee Are the Lyons let loose upon thee do trouble and sorrow come in again upon thee And is Satan let loose in any measure to torment thee Mayest thou not thank thy self Hast thou not brought it on thee Is it not righteous with the Lord to do so by thee v. 18. VVhat hast thou to do in the way of Aegypt i.e. to return from the Lord to the creature to seek any good what ever What hast thou to do to drink the waters of Shiloh or the waters of the River or in the way of the Aijyrians v. 19. Thy own wickedness shall correct thee oh Lord and hast thou noâ— made it to do so and thy back slidings reprove thee know therefore and see that it is an evit thing and bitter that thou hast forsaken the Lord thy God and that his fear is not in thee V. 20 For of old time I have broken thy Yoke blessed Lord thou hast and burst thy bands and thou saidest will not transgresse yea Lord it is very true yet I have so done again V. 23. How canst thou say I am not polluted see thy way in the valley know what thou hast done thou art a swift Dromidary traversing her wayes Do but consider with thy self and thou shalt see what thou takest and how unwearied thy wicked heart is in its continual traversing that by being frequently carried out after other things then me V. 24. A wild Asse that is used to the Wildernesse that snuffeth up the winde at her pleasure in her occasion who can turn her away all they that seek her will weary themselves in her Month they finde her Blessed Lord how clearly dost thou point as it were at my wicked heart which like a wild Asse a rugged thing and wild also very untamed and unruly unwilling to endure to be held in by any bridle or made any way ferviceable to thee But used to the wildernesse frequently conversing and running out after the things of this wildering world Yea snuffing up the wind And is not this a righteous judgement from thee that what ever my heart runs out after but thy self it should be but as vvind that for the present fills but satisfieth not nourisheth not but in the end tormenteth and causeth pangs tearing in the bowels oh this is the misery of my wretched heart that it can take and fall in with the World but hardly taken off VVho can turn her away Oh Lord how hard is it to give a turn to this wretched heart running out after any vanity here below who can turn it Thy Messengers may come and come with thy Word in their mouths and cry Stop and stand and make a parly but they are not able to give a real turn yea thou art pleased often times to come in with many a sweet motion by thy spirit and yet this gives not an effectual turn neither yea thou comest in often times many ways sometimes by mercy sometimes by afflictions and yet these neither can sound a retreat Oh that thou who only canst do it wouldst once please to give such a real turn to my heart in the pursuit after any thing but thy self that it may never be so any more V. 31. Have I been a VVilderness to Israel Oh Lord thou hast not been so to my soul V. 32. Can a Maid forget her Ornaments and yet my people have forgotten me Oh Lord Must not I cry guilty before thee here for did I remember that I should not so often sin against thee V. 33. VVhy trimmest thou thy way to seek lovet V. 36. Why gaddest thou
the beauty of a Saint is the beam of his love and the lustre and glory of that love is that it springs from his love who loved us first And here he shewed us that in these words we had a loving and beloved disciple of Christ taking a due survey of the fountain of all saving operation to be in God himself and secondly that from the light of that divine love he looks into his own and other beleevers hearts and finds a strange reflection of the divine beam of love from God in his and their loves to God again In the first was shewed the glory of the person loving which is God secondly the manner of his communicating of all saving good it s through love and then the object of this love us and lastly the priority of it he loved us first where was further observed that this is a communicative nature in the goodness of God it is not drawn forth but puts forth it self in love that there is nothing in the creature to procure it neither can any thing in the creature hinder it whiles we were yet enemies he reconciled us by the blood of his cross This love in God is a nature not a passion And all he hath and is and doth to beleevers issues through his love his wisdome power all is communicated through love so that we were taught First that the Saints are the blessed ones of God Secondly they are beloved before they love Thirdly that they that are beloved of him do love him Fourthly that they love him because they are first beloved And by Application of these we are taught First to be like our heavenly Father in love yea in loving where we are not beloved this was a singular thing required of the Saints especially to love mens souls the stream of divine love it runs in the salvation of mens souls it loves to be like God Secondly let no man glory in what he is what hast thou that is not an issue of this love this love makes the difference between thee and others be not high minded but fear Thirdly consider your ingagements to divine love you owe all you have and are and all you shall be to eternity to this love of God Fourthly we were exhorted to look out for as much as love could yeild us love in man sets the whole soule a work to search for some suitable thing that may best please its object so God takes up the best wayes to make the glory of his love shine most clearly towards us and therefore unvailes it in the face of Jesus Christ as also fifthly we were exhorted to walk answerable to this love First humbly it is a free love that is the spring of all we have and are Secondly look into all your wayes to see what fruit this great and glorious seed of love brings forth in you Thirdly be transformed into love that you may be lovely as well as beloved Fourthly as you look into Gods first love so look into your own first love abate not of your love to him for he abates not what he ever was that he will be unto you Fifthly if the Saints are beloved let me take heed of abusing Gods beloved ones his darlings Sixthly walk chearfully you are beloved from above what if the servant frown so the Master love Give God your first love Give God your self in your lives not onely your duties but your selves for God gives you in his love not onely your pardon and gifts and graces but himself Be not jealous of God he loved first Be like God be first in love to the Saints look not for love to your self but be lovely to others Love first and that will draw love God liveth where he loveth he loveth us first then God liveth where he loveth as the creature is said to do if God loveth us then he is said to live within us and that continually and therefore as sure as God liveth there is a reall heaven in the heart of the Saints for as God liveth in heaven so he doth in the heart of his Saints therefore say not who shall go into heaven to see God but if God loves thee and his heart be set on thee there is that lovein thee that shall see Gods love to thee which is a heaven to the heart Is Gods love to you then look for asmuch as Gods love can afford now what will not love afford to a mans wife or children it contenteth them not that they have meat drink apparel but that they have that which is suitable to their relations and condition in this world now all in God issues through his love therefore oh Saints raise your hearts to look for as much as this love can afford so as your hearts may stand and wonder at the height depth and length of the love of God Oh how should your hearts rejoyce ye live not by what you have but on what is in the heart of your Father oh therefore go with open mouths and enlarged hearts to him for if he can find any administration that may most fill and satisfie your hearts look for that because he thought no blood could satisfie you but his Sonnes blood Because he thought no gift like that of his Sonne oh therefore let not your hearts be straightned do not content your selves with little things and say oh if I can but scrabble to heaven I care not but remember in what relation you are set even under the beams of divine love therefore look for as much as this love affordeth you Oh how abundantly did the Lord refresh my spirit from these precious truths thus hinted out to me and still he goes on confirming my soul in the apprehension of his love which doth in some measure cause my soul to turn back with love to him again which the Lord increase The second of March 1653. having appointed a Church-meeting every Wednesday after the lecture at Fulham and it being now to begin and the brethren being put upon it to exercise their gifts the Lord was pleased much to draw out my heart to beg his presence and pouring out of a large measure of his spirit upon the brethren fitting them for this work taking speciall notice of one of them whose spirit did melt before the Lord into tears in the apprehension as I conceive of the weight of the work which I confess took much upon my heart and drew it out very much to seek the Lord on their behalf as also that it might be a blessed opportunity to all our souls The 28 of March how many sweet refreshments did the Lord hand out to my soul which I desire may abide upon my spirit through Mr. Knights ministery at Fulham from 1 Cor. 11. 24. Take eat this is my body that is broken for you this do in remembrance of me from the word take there are seven considerations full of abundant comforts as they were set upon my heart as First here observe
moneth observing Mr. Knight somewhat astonished at the passages of providence in the government upon which for some time he was very weak in praying for it and seeking the Lord for them in place which was a great trouble to my spirit whereupon I made a draught of a letter to send to him wherein I presented him with my scattered thoughts desiring him to take a veiw of what he delivered to us the last thanksgiving day from that Isai 65. 24. before they call I will answer shewing that God was so quick in his work in these latter dayes that he often left his own behind with some other such hints which letter I did not send fearing to presse too farre upon my own ability in that kind But how abundantly did the Lord answer those desires which were onely upon my heart but not presented at all save onely before the Lord who was pleased to draw out his heart to mention them before him and afterwards upon the 10 of the 6 moneth upon the occasion of a day kept to seek the Lord for them the Lord was pleased again to cast in thoughts upon the same Scripture in Isai 65. 24. before they call I will answer which was a real answer of my poor desires wherein the Lord shewed me that the desires I had were yet upon his heart for which bless the Lord O my soul who though thou didst not press them those desires being hindred by some thoughts arising in my own mind yet was pleased to give me to see the desired issue which thou didst aim at There was the 10 of the 6 moneth at a private day of humiliation we kept with respect to the publick affairs of the nation our selves four papers of desires put up to the Lord to Mr. Knight these two first the Lord hath begun graciously to answer the tenth of this sixth moneth The first was this one to whom the Lord hath discovered from his word what great advantages there are held out in it to the cleansing of the soul and perfecting of holiness in them but the party not being able to discern them to be made real advantages to their souls although if their heart deceive them not it is the great desire and expectation of their souls to perfect holiness and the want of the sight of it their continued burthen which maketh them even cry out for deliverance and for the accomplishment of the time wherein they shall dishonour God no more but shall be made like unto him desires your remembrance before the Lord to those ends that seeing his will is in those things and that the promise is so full concerning the accomplishment of it that he would please to discover to their souls why it is that the work goes so heavily on and what shall be discovered to be the let it may also by him be removed whatever it be though in things never so near and dear and their hearts supported and born up and made submissively-willing to lye down at his feet to be made to do to bear to suffer to forsake any thing for his glory But how graciously did the Lord this same day being the tenth day of this sixth moneth begin to answer one main thing in this request discovering to my soul that haply one main end why he did not perfect this work of holiness in me but suffer corruption still to work might be that I might yet cry out more mightily to him happly I have not been so importunate in my desires after sanctification as after remission and pardon and the sight of sinne and that the Lord would have me yet to cry more mightily and wrestle it out with him and resolve to give him no rest yet not that I should content my self in pouring out those desires to him and so rest there as was also hinted to me the same day but to be watchful over my heart and conscience watching and praying calling and crying untill the Lord appears and not to think it enough to spread these desires before the Lord and then give way to sinne and temptation and corruption and as was the next day the eleventh of this 6 moneth 1653. hinted to me what was Gods end in discovering the power and strength of sin but that we come more near to him and by faith roul upon his covenant and promise for strength against it and on the other side what is Sathans end in setting home sinne with the aggravations of it but to make us sit down in discouragement now O my soul is it better for thee to accomplish Gods end or Sathans end oh therefore close in with God beg power and strength of him to do it Nay in farther answer the Lord was pleased to enable me to expostulate with that unbelief and first of my own heart this eleventh day saying O my soul is it not thy duty to beleeve for is it not said blessed are they that beleeve though thou see not lust and corruption subdued by the eye of sense yet O my soul roul upon the Covenant and promise by faith for faith is the substance of things not seen and the evidence of things hoped for therefore when thou come to be fully rid of this body of death then faith shall cease and be of no use but now is the time to act faith when thou canst by the eye of sense see nothing but thy self to be compassed in with a body of death and corruption And for the want of the sight of holiness perfected in the fear of God the Lord doth not onely discover that his will lies in this work that it is his will even our sanctification and that we may well remember him with it and pray as he teacheth us that his will may be done so it shall certainly be but did the Lord discover to my soul the eleventh of this moneth that this also was part of the prayer of Christ sanctify them through thy truth Joh. 17. and he saith in Joh. 11. speaking at Lasazrus his grave I thank thee O Father that thou hast heard me alwayes but I speak it for their sakes that they might beleeve now O my soul if this be Christs prayer and that as he saith Joh. 17. not for the disciples onely but all that should after beleeve and if God heareth him in what ever he asketh as he saith he doth then O my soul up and beleeve for this work shall certainly go on The truth is the Lord did herein not onely answer to this but to the other request also that was this day presented so that the Lord did answer them both even as I did at once present them both blessed for ever be his name Which gracious answer caused my soul the next day to present this short desire also to Mr. Knight to be put up to God in way of thanks saying one whom the Lord hath been pleased through rich grace and mercy to hear and answer since our last meeting desires to
hypocrite or afraid to hear what conscience saith Oh how sweetly was this truth improved this day by application as first to teach us to admire the goodness of God in placing such a witness in every mans bosom yea how good it was for the Saints that this was set up in wicked men for some times there are actions done by wicked men against Gods people that there is no winess but their own consciences which testifie against them of all their hard speeches and thoughts and words and the like yea how good was it for the Saints also in this for had they not this witness in themselves how bitter would the reproaches of the World be to them We were exhorted to take heed how we walk towards conscience it being by God set as a Watch over us oh then take heed that we withdraw not from it Nay it is true it will follow you but labour to keep it in your sight and when you are to do any civil or religious Work call it in and say Conscience What sayest thou to this or that action Was it according to the will and mind of God and give it leave to speak out yea and give time also for oftentimes the affairs of the World hinder that conscience hath not time to speak its mind 2 To take heed we grieve it not for its complaints will be heard in Heaven therefore take heed of doing any thing against conscience 3. Awe it as a Judge and be content to be judged by it in all you do for it will be your Judge another day and will be an immortal Witness either in point of comfort or terror oh therefore awe it 1. Do you take of heed of slighting conscience or its Testimony for therein you commit great injury to God it being his Embassador and by him set in you 2. It is great folly also to stop its mouth For 1. All your hindering it or endeavouring to do so will but prove an aggravation of its Witness another day against you then it will tell you That it would have spoken plainly to you such and such a time but you would not hear you were so busie in the World or the like The reason why Saints do no more rejoice is because they walk no more in the testimony of their own consciences We were also exhorted in the conclusion to be very tender of doing any thing without a solemn Court of Conscience rashness is the worst evil Conscience is Gods Witness let it be yours give it full liberty therefore to speak and say all it can ask it again and again what it saith to this and that action and may be it will give thee that Testimony that through rashness and hastiness it had not time to speak or thou to hear it Oh what sensible hints were these to my poor soul if the Lord would but please to bless them effectually to me and help me to put them in practice daylie The Lord having seen meet to call our Brother Vilet ont of this World I heard that he was to be buryed at Fulham this Afternoon and our Pastor to preach which occasioned me greatly to desire to hear him which also I did though it was exceeding late at which time he spake from 1 Joh. 3. 2. Now are we the sons of â—od but it doth not yet appear what we shall be c. from which there were most seasonable blessed truths hinted to my soul That which he pressed was That what the Saints shall be it doth not appear Then he shewed it did not appear first to the Saints themselves 1. Because of the little light the Saints have of this glory nay if God should reveal more they could not bear it in this state 2. In regard of our not improvements of the discoveries made of our future estate 3. Because their present estate is compassed with sin and affliction both vvhich do obstruct the sight of this glory but more particularly the Reasons why it doth not appear he shewed were these 1. From the many diversions of the Spirit of Saints that turn them aside from beholding their glory to come how do the toyes and baubles of this World divert them from beholding of this and so their estate doth not appear to them 2. It comes from inconstancie of Spirit because their hearts do not dwell on those things no man is excellent in that his heart and thoughts dwell not upon so here 3. From the weakness of our Faith for we live novv by Faith but when Christ shall appear then you shall live by sight so that whilest you are here your sight is according to your Faith if your Faith be right and straight like Stephens then have you a strong sight of glory 4. It appears not from the remainders of corruptions that abide in us every sin vails the sight of this glory 5. God himself is pleased sometimes to exercise his Saints not only under darkness in the sight of their future estate but also of their present estate and so they walk in the dark and this God doth for high and holy ends and gives great instructions through it no his Saints to look up to him for life and wait on him for the manifestation of his love and their future estate and to make them see that it flows from nothing in them but from him only eternal life being not only the gift of God but even the light whereby we see it 2. This glory appears not to the World also and that 1. Because the World sees only the outside of a godly man his shell but they see not the glory of his inside they see their poverty and contempt and reproach c. but they see not the glorious working of God on their souls or operation of his spirit in them 2 It appears not to the World because the Saints have their Clouds upon them The best have their infirmities and these the World look most upon wicked men are blind and cannot see for spiritual things must be spiritually discerned because many times there are differences among the Saints themselves and this darkens their glory to the World who see them disputing about Religion and the like the World judgeth of their future Estate by their present condition if men flourish here then they judge well of them if they lie under troubles they judge them hated of God and thus God suffers this darkness about their future estate To humble his Saints and make them cry to him for light To manifest the sincerity of the Saints To set them a longing after Eternity where they shall have full and cleare sight To make glory appear glory indeed if the glittering here be glorious what shall the full be that it appears no is out of just judgement from God to this wicked World who do hate and contemn them therefore God wil not let them see their glory they shall only know it by feeling the contrary and the want of it There