which she would have of two Suiters a tall man and a short one which were both liked of her Parents pawsing a while I would have said she that Iusty long man if all things are proportionable On a Covetous man ONe said a covetous man was never satisfied why so said his friend Because replyed he he thinks nothing enough Why then said the other he is satisfied with the least if nothing be enough for him On a conceited Gentleman ONe that had too great and good an opinion of himself askt his friend what others thought of him why replyed he you appear to the wise foolish to fools wise what do you think of your self On riding post A Gentleman being a great distance from his own house and having very urgent reasons for his speedy return rid post having supt and being in bed with his wife he said Dearest excuse me to night that I pay not that tribute due to our loves for I am so weary that I am uncapable of doing any thing but sleep these words were none of the most pleasant you may think to a young sanguine Gentlewoman after a long absence of a Iusty husband Not long after walking in his back yard with his wife in his hand he chanced to fee a Cock he took great delight in sitting in the Sun asleep rejecting the society of his fruitfull wives prythee sweet heart said he what ails my Cock that he thus hangs the head and follows not the Hens Indeed I doe not know husband said she unless he hath lately ridden post On a one eyed Captain A Captain in the last expedition against the Hollander having lost an eye by a Splinter the other ever after was distempered and continually water'd a merry friend of his askt him one day why that eye which he left wept so much Alas said he how should it do otherwise having lately lost his only Brother and constant companion On a Soldier and a Louse A Notable merry Soldier finding a Louse one day on his sleeve walking to and fro for the benefit of the fresh air took him betwen his fingers and said Sirrah take notice if I ever catch you out of your Quarters again you shall dye and so put him into his Collar On a Farmer and his Son in the Inns of Court A Farmer having placed his son in the Temple to study the Law came up to London to see how he did coming to his Chamber he found in the Key-hole of the door a note with these words I am gone to the Devil The poor man strangely startled cryed out ah my dear child have I brought thee up so tenderly took so much pains for thee and at last should be so unhappy as to cause thee to study that which sent thee to the Devil so speedily A question wisely resolved AN ignorant Country fellow having as he thought bestowed some learning on his Son would needs place him at the University and to see it done goes with him as they were sitting in the Kitchin the youth efpyed a long Kettle amongst the rest pray Father says he what is that Kettle for Introth Son said he I never saw such a one in all my life before but I suppose it is that when they would have too severall broths they put the Fish in one end and the flesh in the other the Boy hearing this makes answer O the Devil lie you Father On a shrewd curst wife TWo men walking through a Church-yard one of them affirmed that Hell was nothing else but the Grave for Shool in the Hebrew signifies the Grave though it is translated Hell the other having lately buried there a shrewd curst wife pointing to her Grave said them one of the greatest Devils in Hell y heesre On a Tradesman and his lean Servant ONe was jesting with his Maid-servant who was passably handsom but very lean saying I wonder Jane thou art no fatter thou dost eat thy meat heartily but dost not thrive upon it thy Mistress eats not the forth part of what thou dost and yet you see how plump she looks to which she replyed I only eat at Set meats but my Mistress hath her strong broths before dinner and her warm jellies after dinner and puts more into her belly than you ever I saw or heard of On a Citizen and his â—iotous Son A Rich Citizen had a profuse extravagant to his son who so angered his Father that he vowed he would give all he had to the poor in a little time this Son with Dice and Box Whores and Pox had spent all whereupon he told his father that he might now give all his estate to him and not violate his vow for he could not give it to one poorer than himself On an old womans Cunnys-kin A Little Boy sitting with his Grandmother by the fire side in the winter time as she lifted up her coats to warm her thighs he espied somthing between her legs and would fain know what it was it is said she a Rabbet-skin that your Mother brought me from Market what and have you burnt a hole in 't Granny says he On a doting old Tub-preacher AN ignorant old fellow hopping from his stall into the Pulpit instead of saying the Priest offered up a pair of Doves for a peace offering read he offered up a pair of Gloves with a peice of Fringe Another AT another time he took his Text being much in debt Have patience with me and I will pay you all having largely and learnedly treated of the vertue of patience especially in forbearing our Debtors here but of the rest said he when God shall enable me Another THe Reader being sick he was forced to officiate in his place and resolving to give some of the Grandees a rub who had offended him he turned to that Psalm wherein are these words Man without understanding is like the Beast that perisheth instead thereof reads man without understanding is like the best of the Parish On a Lawyer and his handsom wife A Gentleman reprehended a Lawyer for tarrying so long in the Country from his wife who had a fame so tempting saying that in his abscence she might want due benevolence That 's nothing â—sai the Lawyer I will give her use at my return for â—â—r forbearance besides Sir put the Case that any one owed you fifty pounds whether would you have it alltogether or shilling by shilling It is true said the other one would rather have ones money alltogether yet it would vex you if in your absence your wife should want a shilling and she be forced to borrow it On a bald-pated Gentleman A Gentleman that was bald pated took great delight in Hunting one day he came hastily into his friends chamber being serious at his study and askt him if he would go and find a Hair Pish said the other let me alone let them go and find Hairâ— that have lost them On an Irish man IN the Kingdom of Ireland a Nobleman having an
pretendedly religious Wife my Dear who dost think hath promised to be Godfather I know not quoth she why e'ne Thom. Alcock O the Father Will he be here says she On a Waterman A Gentleman hired a Waterman to land him at Temple-stairs which he did but it was in the mud which the Gentleman grew angry and would not pay him a farthing saying my bargain was to land me at Temple-stairs but is Puddle-dock On a Gentleman and his Maid servant A Gentleman having a very handsome servant and as he verily concluded a Maid sollicited her to lie with him but she refused at last it came to this that all she feared was he would hurt her he told her no she said if he did she would cry out all being finisht la you there said he did I hurt you or did I cry out says she Her Mrs. not long after perceived her puking and askt her whether she was not with child charging her home she confest and that it was her Master got it where said she in the Truckle-bed where was I then in the High-bed forsooth a sleep O you Whore why did you not cry out why forsooth said she had you been in my condition would you have done so A witty reply ONe Mr. Eaton making one day a plentifull feast amongst other dishes he had a Goose which those at the upper end of the table had so mangled that there was nothing left in a manner but the Skeleton however Mr. Eaton in civility askt some at the lower end whether they would eat any Goose one taking it as a trick put upon them said no Sir I thank you here is plenty of other food to feed on for your Goose is Eaton On Mr. Buck and Mr. Cook MR. Buck invited Mr. Cook to dinner who was a clownish Gentleman to a Venison Pasty at 〈◊〉 Mr. Cook was pleased though uncivily to 〈◊〉 Mr. Buck in troth your Buck is ill season'd and but half baked it may be so said he but yet Buck is good meat but what says the Proverb God sends meat but the Devil sends Cooks On Two witty Gentlemen TWo Gentlemen striving for the superiority in wit one had much the better on 't and gave him such a parting blow with the acuteness of his quick fancy that the company taking notice of it fell a laughing saying that he was muck dead at a blow as Sampson did the Phâ—â—â—ins to which the other briskly replyed I think so â—â— and by the same means for 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that blow by a Jaw bone of an Ass On a Doctor and a Country fellow A Farmer being consumptive came with his wife to a Doctor 〈◊〉 advised him to drink Asses milk every morning saying moreover that if he could not get â—â— the Farmer should come to him why Husband said the Wife doth the Doctor give suck On Chambers and Garret ONe Mr. Chambers and Mr. Garret riding by Tyburn says Mr. Chambers here is a brave Tenement if it had a Garret I wonder says Mr. Garret you should talk so idly there must first be Chambers before there can be any Garret A pleasant reparty of a vertuous Gentlewoman A Gentlewoman sitting carelesly by a fire side sate stradling her husband in a pleasant humour told her that her Cabinet stood open say you so said she why don't you lock it then for I am sure that none keeps the keys but your self On a Cuckold A Gentlewoman delighting in plurality of Lovers chanced to admit to her embraces two Gentlemen who loved one another entirely but were unacquainted with each other loves one of them having lain with this Gentlewoman one night lost his ring in the bed which the other found the next night after the day following the other sees it on his friends finger after a great many arguings about it they came to understand one anothers amorous intrigues the Gentleman demands his ring the other refuses at last it was agreed that it should be left to the next commer by who should have the ring it chanced to be the husband of this woman who understanding the whole matter adjudged the Ring should belong to him who own'd the sheets marry then said they for your excellent judgement you shall have the Ring On a Scholar declaming A Scholar in a Colledg-Hall declaming having a bad memory was at a stand whereupon in a low voice he desired one that stood close by to help him out no says the other methinks you are out enough already On a lewd Woman A Poor harmless man was continually abused by a scolding wife and such was her impudence that she would call him Cuckold a hundred times together a Ninny standing by and hearing it said what a fool he was to let his Wife know he was a Cuckold On a Country Gentleman A Country Gentleman riding down Corn-Hill his horse stumbled threw him clearly into a shop the Mrs. thereof being a pleasant woman not tobearing smiling seeing there was no hurt done askt him whether his horse used so to serve him yes said he when he comes just against a Cuckols door then in troth said she you are like to have forty falls before you come to the upper end of Cheap-side On a Dog named Cuckold A Man and his Dog named Cuckold going together in the evening returning home the Dog ran in a doors first O Mother says the boy Cuckoldâ— câ—me nay then says the Mother your Father is not far off I am sure On small Beer ONe said drinking small Beer that it was dead it is very likely said another for it was very weak when I was here last On a fellow in the Stocks WHat a sad condition am I in said a fellow in the Stocks I can see over the wood under the wood and through the wood but can't get out of the Wood A mistake ONe running into a Neighbours house for a little hot water for one that was ready to swound alas said the other I wish you had come a little sooner for I just now threw away a whole Kittle full On a Scrivener A Scriveners man reading a bill of Sale to his Master said according to forme I do demise grant and to farme let and sell all my Lands but on sudden the Cough took him that a present he could not read a word more at which his Master being angry bid him read on with a Pox at which words he went on To you your Heirs and their Heirs for ever On Katherin-Hall in Cambridge AN ancient Gentlewoman had a Nephew a Scholar in Katherin-Hall in Cambridge and meeting one day his Tutor she askt him how her Nephew behaved himself truly Madam said he he is a great student and holds close to Katherin-Hall I vow said she I feared as much for the boy was ever given to wenches from his Infancy On Phanaticks ONe Phanatick said to another that he hoped God would not lay it to his charge that he had fasted one day last Lent how said the other I
old woman seeing cryed out well rid I protest young Gentleman On a Sow and Pigs ONe askt another what he would give for his Sow and Pigs nothing quoth he for the Sow and less for the Pigs if you will take that bring 'um in On a blind man A Young man askt a blind mans counsel how to choose a wife I 'le tell you quoth he let me see her countenance Awitty saying of H. P. HE was wont to say that in Europe there were neither Scholars enough Gentlemen enough nor Jews enough one time it was answered him that of all these three there was rather too great a plenty then scarcity whereupon he replyed if there were Scholars enough so many would not be double or trobble beneficed if Gentlemen enough so many Peasants would not be reckoned among the Gentry and if Jews enough so many Christians would not profess Vsury On G. Withers GEo. Withers having writ a Poem in which he predicted the countenance of a free State called it it the Perpetual Parliament a little after the Parliament was dissolved and a Gentleman meeting the said Mr. Whither 's told him he was a pittiful Prophet and a pittyful Poet otherwise he had not wrote such pittyful predictions for a pityful Parliament On Hugh Peters HVgh Peters meeting Col. Hewson merrily said to him how now son where 's your blessing Hewson not well conceiving what he said askt what he meant why quoth Hugh I mean to teach you your duty know you not who I am I am Hugh and as I take it you are Huhgs son On Travel ONe being askt when was the best time to take a journy The other replyed when you have a good Horse mony good store in your purse and good company On a Whore ONe askt another what a fine gawdy whore was like the other who much delighted in Smiles said she was like a Squirrel the other surpriz'd at the strangeness of the comparison askt him how he made that out It is plainly said the other for she covers her whole body with her tail On a Painter and a Citizen A Citizen askt a Painter what excellent peices he had drawn of late only one estimable which is the picture of Acteon turned into a Hart and hunted by his Hounds so lively protrayed that every one who saw it said it was a Citizen pursued by Serjeants On a Slop-seller AN Apothecary was drunk to by one in the company who said Brother her 's to you the proud Apothecary askt him upon what account he called him Brother quoth the other we are Brethren by Trade for I understand you are an Apothecary and I am a Slop-seller The danger of learning A Country fellow seeing a man standing in the Pillory for forgery with his fact legibly written before him with hundreds about him the Clown askt for what fault that fellow stood there One askt him whether he could read Not I in faith I can neither read nor write said he then you are a Dunce said the other not to read at those years now since you are so ignorant I 'le tell you why that fellow stands in the Pillory it is for counterfeiting mens hands to which the Country fellow replyed a Plague on you for a company of proud Knaves you had need to brag so much of your breeding you may see what your writing and your reading brings you to A Quibble A Gentleman coming to his friends house at breakfast time was saluted with the latter fragment or cantel of a cheese which looked as thin and as crooked as the Moon in her last quarter the Gentleman encouraged his friend to eat by saying it was sent him as a present from an accomplisht Lady at Windsor I thought it came from Windsor said the other when I saw it so near Eaton A Logical Quibble ONe said he sung as well as most men in Europe and thus he proved it the most in Europe doe not sing well therefore I sing as well as most men in Europe On a Rumper ONe of the Rump-Parliament complained of the great quantity of Rain that fell what unreasonable men you Parliament are said a stander by you would neither have God Rain nor the King On Bayliffs ONe askt another which was the best way to run from a Bayliff in troth said he I think the best way is to run him through A Quibble TWo Barbers meeting in Easter-week the one askt the other if he had a good Eve on 't in troth sayd said the other I think it was the worst Eve that ever came since Adam A gross Complement ONe being invited with his wife and daughter to dinner on a Sabbath day brought along with him two little Dogs coming to the house he thus saluted the Invitor with this complement Sir do you want any bold guests I have brought my whole family with me myself and two Bitches my wife and daughter On a flat nosed fellow A Flat nosed fellow who doubtlesly had long time laboured under a Covent-Garden distemper going to Old-street snuffling askt one which was the way to Rotten-row the other replyed follow your nose A notable retort on a quibbling Lady A Very facetious and quibbling Lady cutting up a Pigg at dinner askt a Gentleman whom she had often out-witted whether he loved Pigg and whether she should help him to some I thank you Madam said he I love nothing that comes from a Sow On a high flown profuse Gallant AN old griping Citizen dying left a fair revenue to his son who as profusely spent it as his Father had carefully raked it together One day growing angry with his Coachman for driving no faster called to him saying drive faster or I 'le come out and kick you to the Devil Sir said the Coachman I protest if you do I 'le there tell your Father how extravagantly you now spend that Estate he left you On a Crooked Nine-pence A Gentleman having to his first wife a very lovely woman she dying he Married one that was ill featured worse formed being extremely crooked a friend of his taking notice of his extravagant choice reproved him saying I wonder Sir where your eyes were when you made this choice alas said the other it was not so much a choice of mine as a gift a bended token sent me by Providence said the other I am sorry for it I am sure your former wife was a brave noble woman it is true said the other and now you may see how time makes waste I have brought that Noble to Nine-pence On three Country Attorneys TErm being ended three Country Attorneys travelling homewards overtook a Carter being on the merry pin they fell a jeering him asking him how his fore horse became so fat and the rest so lean The Carter knowing them to be Attorneys replyed my fore-horse is a Lawyer and the rest are his Clients A notable saying of a Lad. A Youth standing by whilst his Father was at play observing him to loose a great
as the white Herrings swim together by themselves and the Red Herrings by themselves 31. One ordering the Cloath to be taken away having dined and having Poultrey said hastily Pray be sure to save the Chickens for the Crums 32. A Fishmonger looking on a Well-boat building to keep his Fish alive therein observing but few holes eryed out d' ye hear you Carpenter the holes are not full of Boats enough 33. One of the Vergers of the King's Chappel a noted Bull-maker coming in one Sunday morning observed his Brother had placed several of his Friends in divers Pews before any of the Nobility c. were come being angred at this he came running to the other Verger saying Prethee what hast thou done you have almost half filled the Chappel before any one is come 34. The same man at another time meeting his God-Son askt him whither he was going To School said the Boy That 's well done said he there is a Tester be a good Boy and follow thy Book and I hope I shall live to hear thee Preach my Funeral Sermon 35. One who took great delight in Cock-fighting kept Game-Chickens who had made themselves bold by fighting seeing them in that condition he complained to his Friend saying I don't knew what I shall do with my Chickens for what with fighting and what with creeping under the Pens these Teady things have scrubed all their hair of their Heads 36. The same man came running to me one day and complained grieviously of the unkindness of the Church-Wardens Why what 's the matter said I the matter quoth he Why they have divided my Pew and thine which is next it into one 37 A Country Attorney lying in Grays Inn Lane over against the Gate left one day as it is usual a note in his door to signifie where he was gone but the Contents of this Note were very unusual for thus he writ I am gone to the Grays-Inn-Walks Tavern if you cannot read what here is written carry it over the way to a Stationers and he will do it for you 38. A Gentleman more Wealthy then wise Travell'd into Italy with his Tutor to gather understanding being in Company a flattering French-man in the Company of some Italians praised the Hilt of the English-man's Sword extreamly whereupon the Gentleman being of a free Spirit told him it was at his Service his Tutor seeing this was vext to some purpose wherefore taking his opportunity he chid his Pupil for indiscretion telling him he might have found twenty ways to have excused himself for not parting with his Sword particulaaly thus that truly it should be at his Service but that it was a gift of a dear friend and withal that he had a Dagger of the same Well said the young Gentleman I will beware for the time to come the French-man coming one Morning into his Chamber very much prais'd a pair of Slippers that he then wore Truly said the young Gentleman They should be at your Service but that I have a Dagger of the same 39. A Reverend Justice in the County of Norfolk being willing to befriend an old Servant of his that had stoln a Mare said as he sate upon the Bench Gentlemen of the Jury this poor Fellow was once my Servant and as honest a Fellow as ever trod on shoo of Leather however he came now to steal a Mare which is Fellony as I take it and therefore ought to be Hang'd but pray consider that he is very penitent I can assure you and will never do so again wherefore to save his Life pray go out and find it Manslaughter 40. It is reported of a Mayor of an Inland Town in the West Countrey in the time of the Civil Wars that calling his Brethren together to consult the safe-guard of the Town from the injury of the approaching Enemy said Brethren let us separate our selves and let us with great inconsideration indeavour to fortifie the Town in short it is my opinion that there is nothing more to be done but to make the Walls Navigable 41. A Gentleman who had liv'd long enough to be wiser had a Maid-servant who was married out of his House several years after she came to visit her old Master who at the sight of her was much over-joy'd and made much of her amongst many other questions he askt her how many Children she had To which she replyed Sir I have none and never had any Sayst so that 's very strange that such a buck-some young Woman as you are should have no Child but now I think on 't what a fool was I to ask that question for now I well remember thy Mother had no Child neither 42. A Sea Captain newly come a shore was invited to a Hunting Mach after the sport was over coming home he related to his friend what pastime he had abroad in this manner our Horses being compleatly Rig'd we man'd them and the Wind being at West South-west Twenty of us being in company away we stood over the Downs in the time of half a Watch we spy'd a Hare under a full gale we tackt and stood after her coming up close she tackt and we tackt upon which tack I had like to have run a ground but getting clear off I stood after her again but as the Devil would have it just to labour to lay her Aboard bearing too much Wind I and my Horse over-set and came Keel upward 43. A Foolish Gentleman riding upon the Road with his Man was perswaded to ride faster or else they should come late into their Inn for said his Servant it is eight a Clock by my Watch prythee said his Master put thy Watch an hour backwards and then we may ride leisurely having time enough The same Gentleman bid his man the next morning early look out at the Window and see whether it was day the Man looking out told his Master it was yet as dark as pitch You fool said he if it be so dark how canst thou see day unless thou take a Candle 44. One askt another whether he had read such a Book from end to end that 's a Bull said the other for a Book hath a beginning and an end but I ever heard before that it hath two ends It may be so said he and you may as well say that you never heard of a Man that could begin a Psalm backwards 45. A Gentlewoman seeing her Servant go undecently about the House with her sleeves stript up to her Arm-pits call'd hastily to her saying I wonder Wench thou wilt go up and down thus with thy Armes above thy Elbows 46. One askt another what News from the Sessions-House Why said he there were four Condemned and three were Whizd in the Fist one whereof I am confident was burnt in the hand with a cold Iron 47. One was telling what a Stratagem a Bayliff used to take a person Indebted who lay concealed and would not stir abroad said he to cause the people of