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Word A	Word B	Word C	Word D	Occurrence	Frequency Band	MI	MI Band	Prominent
friend_n	find_v	great_a	zone_n	12	3	12.0290	5	false

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ID	Title	Author	Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication)	STC	Words	Pages
A35190	England's jests refin'd and improv'd being a choice collection of the merriest jests, smartest repartees, wittiest sayings, and most notable bulls yet extant, with many new ones never before printed to which are added XIII ingenious characters drawn to the life / the whole work compil'd with great care and exactness, and may serve as the witty-man's companion, the busie-man's diversion and the melancholy man's physick and recreation, calculated for the innocent spending of the winter evenings by H.C.	Crouch, Humphrey, fl. 1635-1671.	1693 (1693)	Wing C7277B; ESTC R37703	63,227	205

Company one with another is but a vying of complaints and the causes they have to rail on Fortune and fool themselves and there is a great deal of good fellowship in this They are commonly next their Creditors most bitter against the Lawyers as men that have had a great stroke in assigning them thither Mirth here is stupidity or hard heartedness yet they feign it sometimes to shun Melancholy and keep off themselves from themselves and the torment of thinking what they have been Men huddle up their life here as a thing of no use and wear it out like an old Suit the faster the better and he that deceives the Time best best spends it It is the place where new commers are most welcomed and next them ill News as that which extends their Fellowship in Misery and leaves few to insult and they breathe their discontents more securely here and have their Tongues a● more liberty than their Bodies Men see here much Sin and Calamity and when the la●t does not mortifie the other hardens and those that are wicked here are desperately wicked as those from whom the horrour of Sin is taken off and the punishment Familiar And commonly a hard thought passes on all that come from this School Which though it teach much Wisdom it is too late and with danger And it is better to be a Fool than to come here to learn it VI. Of a TAVERN A Tavern is a degree or if you will a pair of Stairs above an Ale-house where men are Drunk with more Credit If the Vin●ners Nose be at the door it is a Sign sufficient but the absence of this is supplied by a Bush The Rooms are ill breathed like the Drunkards that have been well washt over Night and are smelt to fasting next morning nor furnished with Beds apt to be defiled but more necessary Implements Chairs Tables and a Chamber-pot It is a broacher of more News then Hogsheads and more Jests than News which are suckt up here by some spungy Brain and from thence squeezed into a Comedy Men come here to make merry but indeed make a Noise and this Musick above is answered with t●e Chat●ing below The Drawers are the 〈◊〉 ●cople in it Men of good bringing up and howsoever w● esteem o● th●m none can boast m●re j●●tly of their High Calling It is t●e b●●t Theatre of Natures where they are truly act●d not plaid and the business as in the rest of the World up and down that is from the bottom of the Cellar to the Great Chamber A Melancholy man would find matter to work upon to see Heads as bri●●le as Glasses and as ●ften broken M●n come hither to qua●rel and come hither to be made friend● It is the common Con●u●ption of the Afternoon and the Murderer or Maker away of a Rainy Day It is the Torrid Zone that scorches the Face and T●b●cco the Gun powder that blows it up A House of Sin you may call it but not a House of Darkness for the Cand●es are never out and it is like those Cou●●i●s far in the North where it is as clear at Mid-night as at Mid-day After a long sitting it becomes like a street in a dashing shower where the Spouts are flushing above and the Conduits ru●ning below while the Jordans like swelling Rivers overflow their Banks To give the total reckoning of it 'T is the busie mans Recreation the Idle mans Business the Melancholy mans Sanctuary the Inns a Court-mans Entertainment the Schollars Kindness and the Citizens Courtesie It is the Study of Sparkling Witts and a Cup of Canary their Book where we leave them VII Of a SCOLD A Rank Scold is a Devil of the Female Gender a Serpent perpe●ually a hissing and spitting of Venom a Composition of Ill-nature and Clamour You may call her animated Gun Powder a walking Mount AEtna that is always belching forth flames of Sulphur A Burr about the Moon is not half so certain a presage of a Tempest at S●a as her Brow is of a Storm on Land And though Laurel Hawthorn and Seal-Skin are held preservatives against Thunder Magick has not been able to find out any Amulet so Soveraign as to still her Ragings for like Oyl poured on flames good words do but make her rage the faster and when once her-Flag of Defiance the Tippet is unfurled she cares not a straw for Constable nor Ducking-stool Her Tongue is the Clapper of the Devils Saints-Bell that rings all-in to Confusion It runs round like a Wheel one Spoke after another and makes more Noise and Jangling than Countrey-steeples on the Fifth of November If she be of the preciser cast she abuses Sacred Language in her Railing as Conjurers do in their Charms calls her Neighbours Heathen ●domites her Husband Reprobate or Son of Belial and will not Cudgel her Maid without a Text for'● But now I speak of Husband methinks I see the Creeping Snail shivering in an Ague-fir when he comes in her presence She is worse then Cow-itch in his Bed and as good as a Chasing-dish at Board But has either quite forgot his Name or else she likes it not which makes her Rebaptize him with more noble Titles as White-liver'd Raskal Drunken Sot Sneaking Nick●●poop or Pittiful Lowsey Tom Farthing Thus she worries him out of his Sences at home and then she ferrets his Haunts abroad worse than a Needy Bawd does a decay'd Bullies In a word A virulent Scold is her Neighbours perpetual Disquiet her Families Evil Genius her Husbands Ruine and her own daily Tormentor And that you may the better know her Pedigree I 'll give you a serious Account of the Receipt or Method made use of for her Production into the World lately found in a long-concealed Manuscript of Theophrastus Bombastas Paracelsus as follows viz. Nature to form a Scold first took of the Tongues and Galls of Bulls Bears Wolves Magpies Parrots Cuckows and Mightingals of each a like number The Tongues and Tails of Vipers Adders Snakes and Lizards seven a piece Aurum Fulminans Aqua-Fortis and Gu●-Powder of each one Pound The Clappers of Nineteen Bells and the Pestles of a dozen Apothecaries Mortars Which being all mixt she Calcined in Mount Strombello and dissolv'd the Ashes in a Water distilled just under London-Bridge at three quarters Flood and Filtrated it through the Leaves of Calapines Dictionary to render the Operation more verbal After which she distilled it again through a Speaking-Trumpet and closed up the remaining Spirits in the Mouth of a Cannon Then she opened the Graves of all new-dec●ased Pettifoggers Mountebanks Barbers Coffee News-Mongers and Fish Wives and with the Skins of their Tongues made a Bladder cover'd o er with Drum-heads and filled with Storms Tempests Whirle winds Thunders Lightnings c These for better I●corporation she set seven years in a Rough-Sea to Ferment and then mixing them with the rest rectified the whole three times a day for a Twelve month in a Baln●a of Quicksilver Lastly to

his Horse have a Velvet Saddle and Embroyder'd Cloath ask'd him why that was not black too O says the Gentleman my Horses Father is not dead yet 115. A Countrey Farmer coming up to London had a Token to deliver to his Landlord's Son a young Gentleman of the Temple when he came to his Chamber he found a Note in the Key-hole written I am gone to the Devil Whereupon the poor Farmer fell into a great fright having the sadd●st apprehensions imaginable Alas said he that ever my Landlord should send his Son to this wicked place a fine young Gentleman that has cost his Father many a fair pound to bring him up to Learning and that ever he should come to this Ungodly Town in two or three Months time to go to the Devil I dare not carry this sad evil Tydings to his Father And as he was making these sad Lamentations a young Student came up and told him that the Note only meant the Devil-Tavern ha●d by and that he believed he might find him there So he went thither and found the Gentleman and presented his Fathers Token and then told him the extraordinary Trouble he was in upon Reading the Note At which the Gentleman laughed heartily and gave the Farmer such an Entertainment that when he came down into the Countrey he told his Friends That he never fared better in his Life than he did at the Devil which put them all into no small Astonishment 116. A Scholar of Oxford having wore out the Heels of his Boots brought them in his hands to a Cobler and shewing him them said O thou curious Artificer that hast by no small pains and study arrived to the perfection of that exquisite Art of repairing the defects of old decayed Calcuments affix me two Semicircles to my Suppeditors The Cobler stared upon him as if he would have looked him through but a little recovering himself said Before George Sir I understand not your hard Language but if I put on two Heel-pieces I 'll have a Groat for them 117. The same Scholar being asked by a Porter for a Gentlemans Chamber in the Colledg he directed him thus you must crucifie the Quadrangle and ascend the Grades and you will find him perambulating in his Cubicle near the Fenkster Pray Sir says the Porter what is that Fenester It is replies the Scholar the Diaphanous part of an Edifice erected for the Introduction of Illumination which so amazed the Porter that at first he did not know what to think till recovering himself he went and enquired of another who gave him plainer directions in more intelligible terms 118. An old Usurer dying left a good Estate to his Son who was more lavish in the spending of it then his Father had been careful in scraping it up As this young Spark was riding in his Coach to Epsome he was angry with his Coachman for not driving faster calling to him saying You Dog if you do not make more haste I will come and kick you to the Devil Sir replied the Coach man I swear if you do I 'll there tell your Father how extravagan●ly you have spent his Estate 119. A Gentleman living in the Countrey having some urgent business at London and his Lady at the same time being ready to Lye in leaves order with his Servant a Welsh-man that when his Lady was Delivered if it were a Son he should come to London and acquaint him promising him for his paines a new Suit of Cloaths the Lady was in a short time after Delivered of a Daughter however Iack unwilling to lose his Suit of Cloathes goes to London and acquain●s his Master that his Lady was brought to Bed of a brave young Son the Gentleman being over-joyed at the News performed his Promise and Iack being well accoutred returns to his Mistress and in a short time after the Gentleman returns and meeting his Wife wisheth her much Joy of her Son but she alledging it was a Daughter and he finding himself abused orders Iack to be sent for who when he came still continued in his former saying that it was a Son whe●eupon the Child was produced and shown to the whole Company Iack still avers it to be a Son Why thou Fool quoth the Nurse if it were a Son it should have a Cock here Cots-plut quoth the Welshman Is hur in haste Would hur have a Cock there already Let hur keep hur till hur is sixteen or seventeen years old and if hur have no Cock then Hang hur 120. A brisk young Lady seeing the Sheriff of a County who was a comely young Man wait upon the Judge who was an old Man was asked by one which she had most mind to the Judge or the Sheriff She answered the Sheriff He asking the reason she replied That she loved Iudgement well but Execution much better 121. Some Souldiers in the Camp being very Lowsie complain'd to their Captain who being a Jocose man bid them turn their Shirts and shake them telling them that the Lice would have a days March at least before they could come to their Skin 122. A Handsome Countrey Maid coming to Croyden Market and being very nimble leaped off her Horse but the Pummel of her Saddle being high catcht hold of her Petticoat and shewed almost all that Nature gave her which a Gentleman standing by and seeing said Sweetheart you have a very clear Skin To whom she answered briskly Sir if you like it so well why did not you come and Kiss it to take your leave on 't for you are not ever like to see it again 123. Two Scotchmen meeting about Dinner time one asked the other to lend him Six-pence by my Troth quoth he I have but a Groat Prithee Man said he lend me that and I will trust you for the other Two pence 124. A young Woman having married a great Student who was so inte●t on his Studies that she thought her self too little regarded by him and one day when they were at Dinner with some Friends she wished her self a Book that she might have more of her Husbands Company If it must be so says her Husband I wish thou wert an Almanack that I might change thee for a new one once a Year 125. A Gentleman alighting out of his Coach at White-hall ask'd a F●ot-man that stood there what a Clock it was Sir says the Foot-man what will you give me Why replied the Gentleman must I give you any thing to tell me that Yes Sir said he for we Courtiers do nothing without money 126. Two Gentlemen discoursing over a Glass of Wine of the Affairs of England and of the several Classes of men therein One of them wittily said That in it there were neither Scholars enough Gentlemen enough nor Iews enough I can b●● admire at your openion in that says the other Gentleman for methinks there are rather too many of those sorts than too few To which he replied If there were Scholars enough so many would not be

a● the Sun and Moon should endure an● the Prince his Son after him 11. One finding his Friend abed at Ten a Clock in the Morning asked him why he lay so long Why Faith says he I came home late last night Why how late was it says his Friend Late says he 't was three a Clock in the morning 12. An Ignorant Fellow complaining of the Folly of the Age said That men were far wiser in future times then now 13. One boasting of his Credit said He knew a Scrivener that would lend him Fifty Pounds at any time on his own Bond without either Scrip or Scrowl 14. One going over in the Ferry-Boat from Richmond to Twitnam the Ferry-mans Wife Officiating admiring said He never saw a Woman Ferry-man before 15. Two Persons going along Cheapside a Dumb-man accidentally meeting 'em jostled against one of them whereupon he held up his Stick to strike him but the Dumb-man making some sign which the Person that was with him perceiving stop●d his Friends blow asking him why he would strike a Dumb-man Is he Dumb says the other Why did he not tell me so 16. One seapking to a Gentleman of the unkindness of his supposed Friend said in a Passion That he had no sooner t●rn'd his Back but the Rascoal abused him before his Face 17. A Countrey Fellow passing by the Exchange saw the Picture of a Unicorn hang up says he to one that stood by I have seen several Pictures of these Beasts with one Horn only pray are not there some Vnicorns with two Horns 18. One asking a certain Person how his Friend came off at the Sessions-House he told him he was to be Burnt in the Hand Pish says the other that 's a small matter for for a little Fee the 'll Burn him in the Hand with a cold Iron 19. A Sea-Captain was invited to a Hunting-Match who when he came home related what sport he had after this manner Our Horses says he being well Rigg'd we man'd them and the Wind being at West-South-West Fifteen of us in Company away we stood over the Downs in the time of half a Watch we spied a Hare udner full Gale we Tackt and stood after her coming up close she Tackt and we Tackt upon which Tack I had like to run aground but getting clear off I stood after her again but as the Devil would have it just as I was going to lay her aboard bearing too much Wind I and my Horse over-set and came Heel upward 20. A silly old Fellow meeting his God-son ask'd whether he was going To School said the Boy That 's well said he there 's a Penny for you Be a good Boy and mind your Book and I hope I shall live to hear the Preach my Funeral-Sermon 21. A foolish young Esquire being newly come to his Estate taking after the old Miser his Father grew covetous He hearing his Steward say he had killed him a Bullock against Christmas What said he do you mean to undo me by such extravagant Expences I will have but half a one kil●ed at a time 22. A Parson who had not much Wit to spare seeing his Son play roguish Tricks Why Sarrah said he did you ever see me do so when I was a Boy as you are 23. A Precise Fellow hearing much Swearing in a Bowling-Green said For shame Gentlemen forbear it is Gods great mercy the Bowling-Green doth not fall on your Heads 24. One sitting at Supper his Cat pa●t to and fro through his Arms brushing her Tail against his Mouth which made him so angry that he cut off the tip of her Tail saying I think now Mistress Puss I have given you an Ear-mark For a little time the Cat staid away but the next day came again according to her usal manner whereupon in a rage said he Why how now you troublesome Bitch Are you come again I thought I had given you your Break-fast last night 25. A Gentleman hiring some Labourers to pull down his old Wall that he might build a new one as they were doing it cry'd out to them to have a care least the Foundation should tumble on their Heads 26. When Guiennys were first Coyn'd they were a great rarity in the Countrey A young Fop coming from London more Gallant than Wise seeing the People so earnest to see them Alas said he throwing down two or three of them on the Table These are so common in London that you cannot receive Forty Shillings but you must take five or six of them whether you will or no. 27. One going by Water said to another in the Boat that had affronted him Speak another word and I 'll knock your Head and the Wall together 28. One that was Born in the Parish of St. Gile's Cripplegate said When I dye I 'll be Buried in Cripple Church-Yard an 't please GOD I live 29. The same Person affirming there was two sorts of Fishes allow'd to be cry'd on a Sunday being ask'd what Fishes they were answer'd Milk and Mackarel 30. One saying That the Fenny-Countreys were very unhealthy I am of your mind said another for I liv'd there once and I believe if I have liv'd there till this thime I had dy'd seven Years ago Thirteen Ingenious Characters Drawn to the Life I. Of a CHARACTER IT gives you the hint of Discourse but Discourses not and is that in Mass and Ingo● which you may Coyn and Wyer-draw into infinite ' is more Seneca than Cicero and speaks rather the Language of Oracles than Orators Every Lin●'s a Sentence and every two a Period It says not all but all it says is good and like an Air in Musick is either full of Closes or still driving towards a Close 'T is no long winded Exercise of Spirit but a forcible one and therefore soonest out of Breath 't is all matter and to the matter and has nothing of Superfluity nothing of Circumlocution So little comporting with Mediocrity as it extols to Heaven or depresses unto Hell having no mid place for Purgatorv left 'T is that in every sort of Writing delighteth most and though the Treatise be Gold it is the Jewel still which the Author of Characters like your Lapidary produces single whilst others Goldsmith like inchase them in their Works 'T is a Portraiture not only of the Body but the Soul and Mind Whence it not only delights but teaches and moves withal and is a Sermon as well as Picture to every one In fine 't is a short Voyage the Writer holds out with equal force still coming fresh unto his Journeys end whilst in long ones they commonly tire and faulter on their way And to the Reader 't is a Garden not a Journey or a Feast where by reason of the Subjects variety he is never cloy'd but at each Character as at a new Service falls too with fresh Appetite II. Of an Importunate Dun. AN Importunate Dun is the Quintessence of Vexation a Single Plague worse then all Egypts Ten a

He 's Prodigal and Pisses his Estate against the Wall But I am confident he Enriches or Perfumes the Walls no more than others only this I know he does that whereas Usurers use to hide their Riches in Earthen Pots he puts his Estate in a Pewter one which one would think were the safer Cabinet so that it is not the Honest Drunken Curr but the Impudent Rogues Drawers and Tappers that imbezle and make it away Much more might be said of him both in his Vindication and in commendation also For he is one of the quietest Subjects his Majesty has and most submissive to Monarchical Government ●e would not ●e without a King if 〈◊〉 were for no other Reason than meer●● Drinking his Health He hates ●offee as Mahomatizm and thinks 〈◊〉 a lesser sin to go to Bed Drunk than to Drink Coffee to make him Sober He hates a Studious man as Caesar ●id a lean one and for the same Reason for he is so confident he 's hatchi●g of Treason that he could find in his Heart to impeach him at advent●re As for his Friends he n●ver trou●les his Head to pick and cull them but takes them as superannuated Maids ●o Husbands or Fish-women do Makarel as they come next to hand For fixing himself in the next Ale-house or Tavern he comes at at first he sits as sullenly as a degraded Courtier or an ●nsurer upon Advice of a Loss And no less than a Quart of Purle-Royal or Two Kicks in the Guts can remove his Morosity After he has digested either of them perchance he 'l vouchsafe to bless you with a Smile especially if you will purchase it at the expence of a Bawdy Song to which you shall see him turn head and listen ●s heedfully as a Lynnet to a Flaijolet but infinitely more easie to be Taught When you have done 't is twenty to one but he comes and hugs you swearring you are the best accomplisht Gentleman that ever he met with in his Life and tho he never saw you before from that time you may date his Friendship He makes Friends faster than Children do Babies and like them too he often forgets where he has left them His Reason like a bad Shop-keeper is se●●om at home or rather like a Countrey Gentleman has left the Manour of his own Body and is gone to dwell in strange Lodgings So that 't is no wonder he 's Hobgoblin'd by his fiery Nose to any Debauchery or that Men call him Beast since by giving Reins to ●is Sensuality he makes so perfect a Swine of himself that he Drinks till he can hardly Grunt However since the Church allows him Christian Burial I 'll Hopkins and Sternhold him with An ●PITAPH Here lies Drunken Tom Whom Heaven in Mercy save He Stumbl'd o're his Death And Reel'd into his Grave XIII Of a Natural Beauty WHether a chearful Air ' does rise And Elevate her fairer Eyes Or a Pensive Heaviness Her lovely Eyelids does depress Still the same becoming Grace Accompanies her Eyes and Face Still you 'd think that Habit best In which her Count'nance las● was dre●● Poor Beauties whom a Blush or Glance Can sometimes make look fair by chance Or Curious Dress or Artful Care Can make seem fairer than they are Give me the Eyes give me the Face To which no Art can Add a Grace Give me the Looks no Garb nor Dress Can ever make more fair or less FINIS Books Printed for Iohn Harris at the Harrow in the Poultrey COme and Welcome to Iesus Christ Or a plain and profitable Disco●●se on Iohn 6. Verse 37. Shewing the Cause Truth and Manner of the Coming of a Sinner to Iesus Christ with his Happy Reception and Blessed E●tertainment by Iohn Bunnyam Author of the Pilgrims Progress Price Bound one Shilling 2. The Saints Comfort in all but more especially in Evil Times Drawn from Twelve several Texts of Scripture which are briefly explained in this small Piece By T. G. Minister of the Gospel Price Bound one Shilling 3. A Present for Ladies The Nymphs of Diana or the Excellencies of Women-kind describ'd as well in their External Beauty as Internal Virtue being an Advocate for the Fair Sex compriz'd in an Illustrious History of it Represented not only in Lively and Pathetical Discourses grounded upon Reason but in sundry rare Examples of Virtuous Love Piety Prudence Modest● Chastity Patience Humility Temperace Conduct Constancy and Firmness of Mind With what else in the like nature is necessary to the Accomplishment of the most Celebrated Beauties With other Examples of Woman skill'd in the most curious Arts and Sciences To which are Added The Examples of Warlike Women their Noble Exploites and Victories With the Prophecies and Predictions of the Sybils in Relation to our Saviour Christ c. And as an Apendix the Character of a Virtuous Woman in all her Capacites viz. Of a Virgin of a Wife and of a Widow wherein is shew'd the happiness that accrues to Man in the possession of so great a Blessing as a Virtuous Woman with the Reasons why Man's happiness is not compleat on Earth without the Charming Creatu●e Woman The whole Work Enri●●●●●nd Intermix'd with Curious 〈◊〉 ●●d Delicate Fancie suitable ●o ●o C●arming a Subject Price Bound one Shilling 4. The True Fortune-Teller Or 〈…〉 Knowledge Discovering the whol● Art of Chyromancy Physiognomy Metoposcopy and Astrology Containing 1. A discription of the Planets their power and influence over the Bodies of Men Women and Children 2. Of the several Lines Mounts Marks Angels and sacred Characters in the Hand and Wrist and by what Planets they are governed as to good or bad fortune 3. Of Physiognomy 4. Observations on the Eyes Eyebrows Nose Chin Neck Hair Beard and Face 5. Metoposcopy or the signification of the Lines in the Face 6. Of Moles and their significations 7. Of Dreams and their interpretations 8. Of Nativities and their calculation 9. Of the Rod by which hidden Treasure is fo●nd 10. Of Marriage and at what time any Person shall be Married 11. Rules to know the danger of Death 12. Of good and bad Days 13. The manner of ●esolving doubtful Questions as to Friends Marriages places of Abode Health Prosperity or Adversity Love or Business 14. Of Pythagoras his Wheel of Fortune Of the good and bad Days in each Month relating to Health To which are Added Aristotles Observations on the Heavens their Motion Of Fiery Meteors Thunder Lightning Eclipses Comets Eath-quakes and Whirl-winds Illustrated with several proper Figures The Second Edition Price Bound one Shilling 5. A Short and Plain Account of the Late-found Balsamick Wells at Hoxon And of their Excellent Virtues above other Mineral Waters Which make 'em Effectually Cure most Diseases both Inward and Outward With Directions how to Use ' em By T. Byfield M. D. Price Sticht 6d 〈…〉 Physick ●●●wing t●e method of ●uring the ●ost usual ●is●ases happening to humane Bodies All ●●●●lated out of the best Latin editions into En●●●sh and ca●efully claused or divided into Ch●pters and Sections for the mor● pleasant ●●●ding and easier understanding of those Au●●ors Together with a singular Comment upon ●he First Book of Hermes the most Ancient of ●●●losophers The whole compleated in three ●●oks By William Salmon Professor in Physick Price Bound five Shillings The Treasury of Drugs unlock'd Or a full ●●d True Description of all sorts of Drugs and ●ymical Preparations c. Very useful for all Gentlemen Merchants Druggists Doctors A●othecaries Chirurgeons and their Apprentices 〈◊〉 also for all Travellers Seamen Customhouse ●●ficers c. By Io. Iacob Berlu of London Merchant in Drugs Price Bound one Shilling The Revelation Unvailed Or and Essay towards the discovering I. When many Scripture Prophesies had their Accomplishment and turn●● into History II. What are now Fulfilling 〈◊〉 What rest still to be Fulfied with a guess 〈◊〉 the time of them With an Appendix proving that Pagan Rome was not Babylon Rev. 〈◊〉 and that the Jews shall be Converted By ●●muel Petto Minister of the Gospel at Sudbury in Suffolk Price Bound one Shilling six Pence FINIS