Roeb. Then we 're off Tho shou'd your Women prove no better than your Wine my Debaucheries will fall of themselyss for want of Temptation Lov. Our Women are worse than our Wine our Claret has but little of the French in 't but our Wenches have the Devil and all They are both adulterated To prevent the inconveniencies of which I ll provide you an honourable Mistress Roeb. An honourable Mistress what 's that Roeb. A vertuous Lady whom you must Love and Court the surest method of reclaiming you As thus Those superfluous Pieces you throw away in Wine may be laid out Roeb. To the Poor Lov. No no. In Sweet Powder Cravats Garters Snuff-boxes Ribbons Coach-hire and Chair-hire Those idle hours which you mispend with lewd sophisticated Wenches must be dedicated Roeb. To the Church Lov. No To the innocent and charming Conversation of your vertuous Mistress by which means the two most exorbitant Debaucheries Drinking and Whoring will be retrench'd Roeb. A very fine Retrenchment truly I must first despise the honest jolly Conversation at the Tavern for the foppish affected dull insipid Entertainment at the Chocolate-house must quit my freedom with ingenious Company to harness my self to Foppery among the fluttering Crowd of Cupid's Livery-boys The second Article is That I must resign the Company of lewd Women for that of my Innocent Mistress That is I must change my easie natural sin of Wenching to that constrain'd Debauchery of Lying and Swearing The many Lyes and Oaths that I made to thy Sister will go nearer to damn me than if I had enjoy'd her a hundred times over Lov. Oh Roebuck your Reason will maintain the contrary when you 're in Love Roeb. That is when I have lost my Reason Come come a Wench a Wench a soft white easy consenting Creature Prithee Ned leave Musteness and shew me the Varities of the Town Lov. A Wench is the least Variety Look out See what a numerous Train trip along the street there pointing outwards Roeb. Oh Venus all these fine stately Creatures Fair you well Ned. Runs out Lovew catches him and pusts him back Prithee let me go 'T is a deed of Charity I 'm quite starv'd I 'll just take a snap and be with you in the twinkling As you 're my friend -I must go Lov. Then we must break for altogether Quits him He that will leave his friend for a Whore I reckon a Commoner in Friendship as in Love Roeb. If you saw how ill that serious face becomes a Fellow of your years you wou'd never wear it again Youth is taking in any Masqurade but Gravity Lov. Tho Lewdness suits much worse with your Circumstances Sir Roeb. Ay these Circumstances Damn these Circumstances There he has Hamstring'd me This Poverty how it makes a Man sneak Well prithee let 's know this Devilish Vertuous Lady By the Circumstances of my Body I shall soon be off or on with her Lov. Know then for thy utter Condemnation that she 's a Lady of Eighteen Beatiful Witty and nicely Vertuous Roeb. A Lady of Eighteen Good Beautiful Better Witty Best of all Now with these three Qualifications if she be nicely Vertuous then I 'll henceforth adore every thing that wears a Petycoat Witty and Vertuous ha ha ha Why 't is as inconsistant in Ladies as Gentlemen And were I to debauch one for a Wager her Wit shou'd be my Bawd Come come the forbidden Fruit was pluck'd from the Tree of Knowledge Boy Lov. Right But there was a cunninger Devil than you to tempt I 'll assure you George your Rhetorick wou'd fail you here she wou'd worst you at your own Weapons Roeb. Ay or any Man in England if she be Eighteen as you say Lov. Have a care friend this Satyr will get you torn in pieces by the Females you 'll fall into Orpheus's fate Roeb. Orpheus was a blockhead and deserv'd his fate Lov. Why Roeb. Because he went to Hell for a Wife Lov. This happens right Aside But you shall go to Heav'n for a Mistress you shall Court this Divine Creature I don't desire you to fall in Love with her I don't intend you shou'd marry her nither but you must be convinc'd of the Chastity of the Sex Tho if you shou'd conquer her the Spoil you Rogue will be glorious and infinitely worth the pains in attaining Roeb. Ay but Ned my Circumstances my Circumstances Lov. Come you shan't want Money Roeb. Then I dare attempt it Money is the Sinews of Love as of War Gad friend thou 't the bravest Pimp I ever heard of Well give me directions to sail by the name of my Port laden my Pockets and then for the Cape of Good Hope Lov. You need no directions as to the manner of Courtship Roeb. No I have seen some few Principles on which my Courtship 's founded which seldom fail To let a Lady rely upon my modesty but to depend my self altogether upon my Impudence To use a Mistress like a Deity in publick but like a Woman in private To be as cautious then of asking an Impertinent question as afterwards of telling a story remembring that the Tongue is the only Member that can hurt a Ladies Honour tho touch'd in the tender'st part Lov. Oh but to a Friend George you 'll tell a Friend your success Roeb. No not to her very self it must be as private as Devotion No blabbing unless a squalawling Brat peeps out to tell Tales But where lies my Course Lov. Brush shall shew you the house the Ladies name is Lucinda her Father and Mother dead she 's Heiress to Twelve hundred a year But above all observe this She has a Page which you must get on your side 'T is a very pretty Boy I presented him to the Lady about a fortnight ago he 's your Country-man too he brought me a Letter from my Sister which I have about me Here you may read it Roeb. Ay 't is her hand I know it well and I almost bush to see it Aside Reads Dear Brother A Lady of my acquaintance lately dying begg'd me as her last request to provide for this Boy who was her Page I hope I have obeyed my Friend's last Command and oblig'd a Brother by sending him to you Pray dispose of him as much as you can for his advantage All friends are will and I am Your affectionate Sister Leanthe While he reads Lovewell talks to Brush and gives him some directions seemingly All friends are well Is that all not a word of poor Roebuck I wonder she mention'd nothing of my misfortunes to her Brother But she has forgot me already True Woman still Well I may excuse her for I 'm making all the haste I can to forget her Lov. Be sure you have an eye upon him and come to me presently at Widow Bulfinch's To Brush Well George you won't communicate your success Aside Roeb. You may guess what you please I 'm as merry after a Mistress as after a Bottle All Air brimfull of
Lady must be a Venus for she has got a Cupid in her Family 'T is a wondrous pretty Boy Leanthe starts and stares at him but a very Comical Boy What the Devil does he stare at Lean. Oh Heav'n's is the Object real or are my eyes false Is that Roebuck or am I Leantbe I am afraid he 's not the same and too sure I 'm not my self Weeps Roeb. What offence cou'd such pretty Innocence commit to deserve a punishment to make you cry Lean. Oh Sir a wondrous offence Roeb. What was it my Child Lean. I prick'd my Finger with a Pin till I made it bleed Roeb. Such little Boys as you shou'd have a care of sharp things Lean. Indeed Sir we ought for it prick'd me so deep that the sore went to my very heart Roeb. Poor Boy here 's a plaister for your sore Finger Gives him Gold Lean. Sir you had best keep it for a sore Finger returns it Roeb. O' my Conscience the Boy 's witty but not very wise in returning Gold Come come you shall take it Forces it upon him and kisses him Lean. That 's the fitter cure for my sore Finger The same dear Lips still Oh that the Tongue within them were as true aside Roeb. By Heavens this Boy has the softest pair of Lips I ever tasted I ne're found before that Ladys kiss'd their Pages but now if this Rogue were not too young I shou'd suspect he were before-hand with me I gad I must kiss him again Come you shall take the Money Kisses Lean. Oh how he bribes me into Bribery But what must I do whit this Money Sir Roeb. You must get a little mistress and treat her with it Lean. Sir I have one Mistress already and they say no man can serve two Masters much less two Mistresses How many Mistresses have you pray Roeb. Umh I gad the Boy has pos'd me How many Child Why let me see There was Mrs. Mary Mrs. Margaret Mrs. Lucy Mrs. Susan Mrs. Judy and so forth to the number of five and twenty or thereabouts Lean. Oh ye Powers and did you love 'em all Roeb. Yes desperately I wou'd have drank and fought for any one of ' em I have sworn and ly'd to every one of 'em and have lain with 'em all That 's for your Encouragement Boy Learn betimes Youth young Plants shou'd be water'd Your Smock face was made for a Chamber Utensil Lean. And did not one escape ye Roeb. Yes one did the Devil take her Lean. What don't you love her then Roeb. No faith but I bear her an amorous grudge still something between Love and spight I cou'd kill her with kindness Lean. I don't believe it Sir you cou'd not be so hard-hearted sure Her honourable Passion I think shou'd please you best Roeb. O Child Boys of your age are continually reading Romances filling your Heads with that old bombast of Love and Honour But when you come to my years you 'll understand better things Lean. And must I be a false treacherous Villain when I come to your years Sir Is Falshood and Perjury essential to the perfect state of manhood Roeb. Pshaw Children and old men always talk thus foolishly you understand nothing Boy Lean. Yes Sir I have been in Love and much more than you I perceive Roeb. It appears then that there 's no service in the World so educating to a Boy as a Ladies By Jove this Spark may be older than I imagin Hark ye Sir do you never pull of your Ladies Shoes and Stockins Do you never reach her the Pincushion Do you never sit on her bed-side and sing to her ha Come tell me that 's my good Boy Makes much of him Lean. Yes I do sing her asleep sometimes Roeb. But do you never waken her again Lean. No but I constantly wake my self my rest 's always disturbed by Visions of the Devil Roeb. Who wou'd imagin now that this young shaver cou'd dream of a Woman so soon But what Songs does your Lady delight in most Lean. Passionate ones Sir I 'll sing you one of 'em if you 'll stay Roeb. With all my heart my little Cherubim The Rogue is fond of shewing his parts Come begin A SONG Set by Mr. Richardson How bless'd are Lovers in diguise Like Gods they see As I do thee Unseen by human Eyes Expos'd to view I 'm hid from you I 'm alter'd yet the same The dark conceals me Love reveals me Love which lights me by its Flame 2. Were you not false you me wou'd know For tho' your Eyes Cou'd not devise Your heart had told you so Your heart wou'd beat With eager heat And me by Sympathy wou'd find True Love might see One chang'd like me False Love is only blind Roeb. Oh my little Angel in voice and shape Kisses her I cou'd wish my self a Female for thy sake Lean. You 're much better as you are for my sake Aside Roeb. Or if thou wert a Woman I wou'd Lean. What wou'd you Marry me wou'd you marry me Roeb. Marry you Child No no I love you too well for that you shou'd not have my hand but all my Body at once But to our business Is your Lady at home Lean. My Lady What bus'ness have you with my Lady pray Sir Roeb. Don't ask Questions You know Mr. Lovewell Lean. Yes very well He 's my great Friend and one I wou'd serve above all the World but his Sister Roeb. His Sister Ha! that gives me a twinge for my Sin Pray Mr. Page was Leanthe well when you left her Lean. No Sir but wondrous melancholy by the departure of a dear Friend of hers to another World Roeb. Oh that was the person mention'd in her Letter whose departure occasion'd your departure for England Lean. That was the occasion of my coming too sure Sir Oh 't was a dear Friend to me the loss makes me weep Roeb. Poor tender-hearted Creature But I still find there was not a word of me Pray good Boy let your Mistress know here 's one to wait on her Lean. Your business is from Mr. Lovewell I suppose Sir Roeb. Yes yes Lean. Then I 'll go Exit Roeb. I 've thrown my cast and am fairly in for't But an 't I an impudent Dog Had I as much Gold in my Breeches as Brass in my Face I durst attempt a whole Nunnery This Lady is a reputed Vertue of Good Fortune and Quality I am a Rakehelly Rascal not worth a Groat and without any further Ceremony am going to Debauch her But hold She does not know that I 'm this Rakehelly Rascal and I know that she 's a Woman one of eighteen too Beautiful Witty O' my Conscience upon second thoughts I am not so very Impudent neither Now as to my management I 'll first try the whining Addresses and see if she 'll bleed in the soft Vein Enter Lucinda Luc. Have you any business with me Sir Roeb. Thus look'd the forbidden Fruit luscious and tempting 'T is ripe and
as honourable for Women to be Whores as men to be Whore-masters we shou'd have Lewdness as great a Mark of Quality among the Ladies as 't is now among the Lords Love What! do you hold no innate Principle of Vertue in Women Roeb. I hold an innate principle of Love in them Their Passions are as great as ours their Reason weaker We admire them and consequently they must us And I tell thee once more That had Women no safe guard but your innate Principle of Vertue honest George Roebuck wou'd have lain with your Sister Ned and shou'd enjoy a Countess before night Lov. But methinks George 't was not fair to tempt my Sister Roeb. Methinks 't was not fair of thy Sister Ned to tempt me As she was thy Sister I had no design upon her but as she 's a pretty Woman I could scarcely forbear her were she my own Love But upon serious reflection Cou'd not you have liv'd better at home by turning thy Whore into a Wife than hear by turning other Mens Wives into Whores There are Merchants Ladies in London and you must trade with them for ought I see Roeb. Ay but is the Trade open Is the Manufacture incourag'd old Boy Lov. Oh wonderfully a great many poor people live by 't Tho the Husbands are for engrossing the Trade the Wives are altogether for encouraging Interlopers But I hope you have brought some small Stock to set up with Roeb. The greatness of my wants which wou'd force me to discover 'em makes me blush to own ' em Aside Why faith Ned I had a great Journey from Ireland hither and wou'd burden my self with no more than just necessary Charges Lov. Oh then you have brought Bills Roeb. No faith Exchange of Money from Dublin hither is so unreasonable high that Lov. What Roeb. That Zoons I have not one farthing Now you understand me Lov. No faith I never understand one that comes in formâ pauperis I han't study'd the Law so long for nothing But what prospect can you propose of a supply Roeb. I 'll tell you When you appear'd I was just thanking my Stars for sending me a Throat to eut and consequently a Purse But my knowledge of you prevented me of that way and therefore I think you 're oblig'd in return to assist me by some better means You were once an honest Fellow but so long study in the Inns may alter a Man strangely as you say Lov. No dear Roebuck I 'm still a friend to thy Vertues and esteem thy Follies as Foils only to set them off I did but rally you and to convince you here are some Pieces share of what I have about me Take them as earnest of my farther supply you know my Estate sufficient to maintain us both if you will either restrain your Extravagancies or I retrench my Necessaries Roeb. Thy profession of kindness is so great that I cou'd almost suspect it of design But come Friend I am heartily tir'd with the fatigue of my Journey besides a violent Fit of Sickness which detain'd me a Month at Coventry to the exhausting my Health and Money Let me only recruit by a relish of the Town in Love and a Bottle and then As they are going off Roebuck starts back surpriz'd Oh Heav'ns and Earth Lov. What 's the matter Man Roeb. Why Death and the Devil or what 's worse a Woman and a Child Oons don 't you see Mrs. Trudge with my Bastard in her Arms crossing the field towards us Oh the indefatigable Whore to sollow me all the way to London Lov. Mrs. Trudge my old acquaintance Roeb. Ay ay the very same your old acquaintance and for ought I know you might have clubb'd about getting the Brats Love 'T is but reasonable then I shou'd pay share at the Reckoning I 'll help to provide for her in the mean time you had best retire Brush conduct this Gentlemen to my Lodgings and run from thence to Widow Bullfinch's and provide a Lodging with her for a Friend of mine Fly and come back presently Ex. Roeb. and Brush So my Friend comes to Town like the Great Turk to the Field attended by his Concubines and Children and I 'm afraid these are but parts of his Retinue But hold I shan't be able to sustain the shock of this Womans Fury I 'll withdraw till she has discharged her first Volley then surprize her Eter Trudge with a Child crying Hush hush hush And indeed it was a young Traveller And what wou'd it say It says that Daddy is a false Man a cruel Man and an ungrateful Man In troth so he is my dear Child What shall I do with it poor Creature Hush hush hush Was ever poor Woman in such a lamentable condition immediately after the pains of one Travel to undergo the fatigues of another But I 'm sure he can never do well for tho l can't find him my curses and the misery of this Babe will certainly reach him Love Methinks I shou'd know that voice moving forward What! Mrs. Trudge and in London whose brave Boy hast thou got there Trud. Oh Lord Mr. Lovewell I 'm very glad to see you and yet am asham'd to see you But indeed he promis'd to marry me Crying and you know Mr. Lovewell that he 's such a handsome Man and has so many ways of insinuating that the frailty of Woman's Nature could not resist him Love What 's all this A handsome Man Ways of insinuating Frailty of Nature I don't understand these ambiguous terms Trud. Ah Mr. Lovewell I 'm sure you have seen Mr. Roebuck and I 'm sure 't wou'd be the first thing he wou'd tell you I refer it to you Mr. Lovewell if he is not an ungrateful man to deal so barbarously with any Woman that had us'd him so civily I was kiuder to him than I would have been to my own born Brother Lov. Oh then I find kissing goes by favour Mrs. Trudge Trud. Faith you 're all alike you men are alike Poor Child he 's as like his own Dadda as if he were spit out of his mouth See Mr. Lovewell if he has not Mr. Roebuck's Nose to a hair and you know he has a very good Nose and the little Pigsnye has Mamma's Mouth Oh the little Lips and 't is the best natur'd little dear Smuggles and kisses it And wou'd it ask its God-Father Blessing Indeed Mr. Lovewell I believe the Child knows you Love Ha ha ha Well I will give it my Blessing Gives it Gold As he gives her the Gold enter Lucinda and Pindress who seeing them stand abscond Come Madam I 'll first settle you in a Lodging and then find the false Man as you call him Exit Love Lucinda and Pindress come forward Luc. The false man is found already Was there ever such a lucky discovery My care for his preservation brought me back and now behold how my kindness is return'd Their Fighting was a downright trick to frighten me from the place
the dearest Lodging a Man 's eternally dunn'd tho perhaps he have less of one ready Coin than t'other There 's more trouble in a Play than you imagin Madam Bull. There 's more trouble with a Lodger than you think Mr. Lyrick Lyr. First there 's the decorum of Time Bull. Which you never observe for you keep the worst hours of any Lodger in Town Lyr. Then there 's the exactness of Characters Bull. And you have the most scandalous one I ever heard Lyr. Then there 's laying the Drama Bull. Then you foul my Napkins and Towels 〈◊〉 Lyr. Then there are preparations of Incidents working the Passions Beauty of Expression Closeness of Plot Justness of Place Turn of Language Opening the Catastrophe Bull. Then you wear out my Sheets burn my Fire and Candle dirty my House eat my Meat destroy my Drink wear out my Furniture I have lent you Money out of my Pocket Lyr. Was ever poor Rogue so ridden If ever the Muses had a Horse I am he Faith Madam poor Pegasus is Jaded Bull. Come come Sir he shan't slip his Neck out of the Collar for all that Money I will have and Money I must have let your Play and you both be damn'd Lyr. Well Madam my Bookseller is to bring me some twenty Guinea's for a few Sheets of mine presently which I hope will free me from your Sheets Bull. My Sheets Mr. Lyrick Pray what d' ye mean I 'll assure you Sir my Sheets are finer than any of your Muses spinning Marry come up Lyr. Faith you have spun me so fine that you have almost crack'd my Thread of Life as may appear by my Spindle-shanks Bull. Why sure Where was your Thalia and your Melpomene when the Tayler wou'd have stripp'd you of your Silk Wastcoat and have clapt you on a Stone-doublet Wou'd all your Golden Verse have paid the Serjeants Fees Lyr. Truly you freed me from Gaol to confine me in a Dugeon you did not ransom me but bought me as a slave So Madam I 'll purchase my freedom as soon as possible Flesh and Blood can't bear it Bull. Take your course Sir There were a couple of Gentlemen just now to enquire for you and if they come again they shan't be put off with the old story of your being abroad I 'll promise you that Sir Exit Lyr. Zoons if this Bookseller does not bring me Money Enter Pamphlet Oh Mr. Pamphlet your Servant Have you perus'd my Poems Pam. Yes Sir and there are some things very well extraordinary well Mr. Lyrick but I don't think'em for my purpose Poetry's a meer Drug Sir Lyr. Is that because I take Physick when I write Damn this costive fellow now he does not apprehend the Joke Pam. No Sir but your name does not recommend'em One must write himself into a Consumption before he gain Reputation Lyr. That 's the way to lye abed when his Name 's up Now I lye abed before I can gain Reputation Pam. Why so adâ—…r Lyr. Because I have scarcely any Cloaths to put on If ever man did Penance in a White Sheet Pam. You stand only sometimes in a White Sheet for your offences with your Landlady Faith I have often wonder'd how your Muse cou'd take such flights yoak'd to such a Cartload as she is Lyr. Oh they are like the Irish Horses they draw best by the Tail Have you ever seen any of my Burlesque Mr. Pamphlet I have a Project of turning three or four of our most topping fellows into Doggrel As for Example Reads Conquest with Lawrels has our Arms adorn'd And Rome in tears of Blood our anger mourn'd Now Butchers with Rosemary have our Beef adorn'd Which has in Gravy Tears our Hunger mourn'd How d' ye like it Mr. Pamphlet ha Well Like Gods we pass'd the rugged Alpine Hills Melted our way and drove our hissing Wheels Thro cloudy Deluges Eternal Rills Now observe Mr. Pamphlet pray observe Like Razors keen our Knives cut passage clean Through Rills of Fat and Deluges of Lean. Pam. Very well upon my Soul Lyr. Hurl'd dreadful Fire and Vinegar infus'd Pam. Ay Sir Vinegar how patly that comes in for the Beef Mr. Lyrick 'T is all wondrous fine indeed Lyr. This is the most ingenious fellow of his Trade that I have seen he understands a good thing Aside But as to our bus'ness What are you willing to give for these Poems Prithee say something There are about three thousand lines Here take 'em for a couple of Guinea's Pam. No Sir Paper is so excessive dear that I dare not venture upon 'em Lyr. Well because you 're a Friend I 'll bestow'em upon you Here take 'em all There 's the hopes of a Dedication still Aside Pam. I give you a thousand thanks Sir but I dare not venture the hazard they 'll ne're quit cost indeed Sir Lyr. This fellow is one of the greatest Blockheads that ever was Member of a Corporation How shall I be reveng'd Enter Boy Boy Sir there are two Men below desire to have the Honour of kissing your hand Lyr. They must be Knaves or Fools By their fulsome Complement Hark ye Whispers the Boy Bid 'em walk up Pam. Since you have got Company Sir I 'll take my leave Lyr. No no Mr. Pamphlet by no means we must drink before we part Boy a Pint of Sack and a Toast These are two Gentlemen out of the Country who will be for all the new things lately published they 'll be good Customers Come sit down You have not seen my Play yet Here take the Pen and if you see any thing amiss correct it I 'll go bring 'em up Stay lend me your Hat and Wig or I shall take cold going down Stairs He takes Pamphlet's Hat and Wig and puts his Cap on Pamphlet's Head Pam. Solas This is a right Poetical Cap 't is Bays the outside and the Lining Fustian Reading This is all stuff worse than his Poems Enter two Bailiffs behind him and clap him on the shoulder 1 Bail Sir you 're the King's Prisoner Pam. That 's a good Fancy enough Mr. Lyrick But pray don't interrupt me I 'm in the best Scene I gad the Drama is very well laid 2 Bail Come Sir Pam. Well well Sir I 'll pledge ye Prithee now good Mr. Lyrick do'nt disturb me And furious Lightnings brandish'd in her Eyes That 's true Spirit of Poetry 1 Bail Zoons Sir d' ye banter us Takes him under each arm and hauls him up Pam. Gentlemen I beg you pardon How d' ye like the City Gentlemen If you have any occasion for Books to carry into the Country I can furnish you as well as any man about Pauls Where 's Mr. Lyrick 1 Bail These Wits are damnable Cunning. I always have double Fees for Arresting one of you Wits All your Evasions won't do we understand trap Sir you must not think to catch old Birds with Chaff Sir Pam. Zoons Gentlemen I 'm not the Person I 'm a Freeman of the City I have good
imagin'd you modest 2 Mas. So I am for I 'm marry'd Roeb. And marry'd to your forrow I warrant you 2 Mas. Yes upon my Honour Sir Roeb. I knew it I have met above a dozen this Evening all marry'd to their Sorrow Then I suppose you 're a Citizen's Wife and by the broadness of your bottom I shou'd geuss you sat very much behind a Counter 2 Mas. My Husband 's no Mercer he 's a Judge Roeb. Zoons A Judge I shall be arraign'd at the Bar for keeping on my Hat so long 'T is very hard Madam he shou'd not do you Justice Has not he an Estate in Tail Madam 2 Mas. I seldom examine his Papers They are a parcel of old dry shrvel'd Parchments and this Court-hand is so devilish crabbed I can't endure it Roeb. Umph Then I suppose Madam you want a young Lawyer to put your Case to But faith Madam I 'm a Judge too 2 Mas. Oh Heav'ns forbid such a young Man Roeb. That 's I 'll do nothing without a Bribe Pray Madam how does that Watch strike 2 Mas. It never strikes it only points to the business as you must do without telling Tales Dare you meet me two hours hence Roeb. Ay Madam but I shall never hit the time exactly without a Watch. 2 Mas. Well take it At Ten exactly at the Fountain in the Middle Temple Cook upon Littleton be the word Exit Roeb. So If the Law be all such Volumes as thou Mercy on the poor Students From Cook upon Littleton in Sheets deliver me Enter Lovewell Lov. What! engag'd Mirmydon I find you 'll never quit the Battle till you have crack'd a Pike in the Service Roeb. Oh dear friend thou' rt critically come to my Relief for faith I 'm almost tir'd Lov. What a miserable Creature is a Whore whom every Fool dares pretend to love and every Wise Man hates Roeb. What morallizing again Oh I 'll tell thee News Man I 'm enter'd in the Inns by the Lard Lov. Pshaw Roeb. Nay if you won't believe me see my Note of admission shews the Watch. Lov. A Gold Watch boy Roeb. Ay a Gold Watch boy Lov. Whence had you money to buy it Roeb. I took it upon tick and I design to pay honestly Lov. I don 't like this running o' th' Score But what News from Lucinda boy Is she kind ha Enter a Masque crossing the Stage Roeb. Ha! there 's a stately Cruiser I must give her one chase I 'll tell you when I return Exit running Lov. I find he has been at a loss there which occasions his eagerness for the Game here I begin to repent me of my suspicion I believe her Vertue so sacred that 't is a piece of Atheism to distrust its Existence But jealousie in Love like the Devil in Religion is still raising doubts which without a firm Faith in what we adore will certainly damn us Enter a Porter Por. Is your name Mr. Roebuck Sir Lov. What wou'd you have with Mr. Roebuck Sir Por. I have a small Note for him Sir Lov. Let me see 't Por. Ay Sir if your name be Mr. Roebuck Sir Lov. My Name is Roebuck Blockhead Por. God bless you master Gives him a Letter and Exit Lov. This is some tawdry Billet with a scrawling Adieu at the end on 't These strolling Jades know a young wholesome fellow newly come to Town as well as a Parsons Wife does a fat Goose. 'T is certainly some secret and therefore shall be known Opens the Letter SIR Tuesday three a Clock MY behaviour towards you this morning was somewhat strange but I shall tell you the cause of it if you meet me at Ten this night in our Garden the Back-door shall be open Yours Lucinda Oh Heavens certainly it can't be L U C I N D A that spells Woman 'T was never written so plain before Roebuck thou' rt as true an Oracle as she 's a false one Oh thou damn'd Sybil I have courted thee these three years and cou'd never obtain above a Kiss of the hand and this fellow in an hour or two has obtain'd the back door open Mr. Roebuck since I have discover'd some of your Secrets I 'll make bold to open some more of ' em But how shall I shake him off Oh I have it I 'll seek him instantly Exit Enter Roebuck meeting the Porter Roeb. Here you Sir have you a Note for one Roebuck Por. I had Sir but I gave it to him just now Roeb. You lie Sirrah I am the Man Por. I an 't positive I gave it to the right person but I 'm very sure I did for he answer'd the Description the Page gave to a T Sir Roeb. 'T was well I met that Page Dog or now shou'd I cut thy Throat Rascal Por. Bless your Worship Noble Sir Exit Roeb. At Ten in the Garden the back-door open Oh the delicious place and hour soft panting breasts trembling Joynts melting Sighs and eager Embraces Oh Extasie But how to shake off Lovewell This is his nicely Vertuous Ha ha ha This is his innate Principle of Vertue Ha ha ha Enter Lovewell Lov. How now why so merry Roeb. Merry why 't wou'd make a Dog split Man Ha ha ha The Watch Sir the Watch Ha ha ha Lov. What of the Watch you laugh by the hour you 'll be run down by and by sure Roeb. Ay but I shall be wound up again This Watch I had for a Fee Lawyer Shou'd I ever be try'd before this Judge how I shou'd laugh to see how gravely his Goose-Caps sits upon a pair of Horns Ha ha ha Lov. Thou' rt Horn-mad Prithee leave impertinence I receiv'd a Note just now Roeb. A Note 'Sdeath what Note what d' ye mean who brought it Lov. A Gentleman 't is a Challenge Roeb. Oh thanks to the Stars I 'm glad on 't Aside Lov. And you may be signally serviceable to me in this affair I can give you no greater testimony of my Affection than by making so free with you Roeb. What needs all this formality I 'll be thy second without all this impertinence Lov. There 's more than that Friend In the first place I don't understand a Sword and again I 'm to be call'd to the Bar this Term and such a business might prejudice me extteamly So Sir you must meet and fight for me Roeb. Faith Lovewell I shan't stick to cut a Throat for my Friend at any time so I may do it fairly or so The hour and place Lov. This very Evening in Moorfields Roeb. Umph How will you employ your self the while Lov. I 'll follow you at a distance lest you have any foul play Roeb. Which if you do No faith Ned since I 'm to answer an appointment for you you must make good an assignation for me I 'm to meet one of your Ladies at the Fountain in the Temple to night You may be called to the Bar there if you will This Watch will tell you the hour and shall be
Friend or so upon a Bribe of a hundred Pounds or so has sided with him taken him to Lucinda's Garden in your stead and there 's a Parson and all and so forth Now Sir I hope the Poet has brought the Play to a very good Cata Cata what d' ye call him Sir Lov. 'T was he I incounter'd in the Garden ' Sdeath Trick'd by the Poet I 'll cut off one of his Limbs I 'll make a Synelepha of him I 'll Club. He he he Two Calves suck'd on the same Cow He he Lov. Nay then I begin with you Drubs him Club. Zauns Murder Dem me Zauns Murder Zauns Runs off and Lovewell after him SCENE changes to the Anti-Chamber in Lucinda 's house a Hat and Sword on the Table Enter Brush Brush I have been peeping and crouching about like a Cat a Mousing Ha! I smell a Rat A Sword and Hat There are certainly a pair of Breeches appertaining to these and may be lap'd up in my Ladies Lavender who knows listens Enter Lovewell in a hurry Lov. What Sir What are you doing I 'm ruin'd trick'd Brush I believe so too Sir See here Shews the Hat and Sword Lov. By all my hopes Roebuck's Hat and Sword This is mischief upon mischief Run you to the Garden Sirrah and if you find any body secure 'em I 'll search the House I 'm ruin'd Fly Roebuck what hoa Roebuck hoa Enter Roebuck unbutton'd runs to Lovewell and embraces him Roeb. Dear dear Lovewell wish me Joy wish me Joy my Friend Lov. Of what Sir Roeb. Of the dearest tenderst whitest softest Bride that ever blest Man's Arms. I 'm all Air all a Cupid all Wings and must fly again to her embraces Detain me not my Friend Lov. Hold Sir I hope you mock me tho' that itself 's unkind Roeb. Mock you By Heav'ns no she 's more than sense can bear or Tongue express Oh Lucinda shou'd Heaven Lov. Hold Sir no more Roeb. I 'm on the Rack of Pleasure and must confess all When her soft melting white and yielding Waste Within my pressing Arms was folded fast Our lips were melted down by heat of Love And lay incorporate in liquid kisses Whilst in soft broken sighs we catch'd each other's Souls Lov. Come come Roebuck no more of this Extravagance By Heav'n I swear you shan't marry her Roeb. By Heaven I swear so too for I 'm married already Lov. Then thou' rt a Villain Roeb. A Villain Man Pshaw that 's Nonsence A poor fellow can no sooner get married than you imagine he may be call'd a Villain presently You may call me a Fool a Blockhead or an Ass by the Authority of Custom But why a Villain for God's sake Lov. Did not you engage to meet and fight a Gentleman for me in Moorfields Roeb. Did not you promise to engage a Lady for me at the Fountain Sir Lov. This Lucinda is my Mistress Sir Roeb. This Lucinda Sir is my Wife Lov. Then this decides the matter Draw Throws Roebuck his Sword and draws his own Roeb. Prithee be quiet Man I 've other bus'ness to mind on my Wedding-night I must in to my Bride Going Lov. Hold Sir move a step and by Heavens I 'll stab thee Roeb. Put up put up Pshaw I an 't prepar'd to dye I an 't Devil take me Lov. Do you dally with me Sir Roeb. Why you won't be so unconseionable as to kill a Man so suddenly I han't made my Will yet Perhaps I may leave you a Legacy Lov. Pardon me Heaven's if press'd by stinging taunts my Passion urge my Arm to act what 's foul Offees to push at him Roeb. Hold. Taking up his Sword 'T is safest making Peace they say with Sword in hand Pll tell thee what Nod I wou'd not lose this Nights Pleasure for the honour of fighting and vanquishing the Seven Champions of Christendom Permit me then but this Night to return to the Arms of my dear Bride and faith and troth I 'll take a fair Thrust with you to morrow morning Lov. What beg a poor Reprieve for Life Then thou' rt a Coward Roeb. You imagin'd the contrary when you employ'd me to fight for ye in Moorfields Lov. Will nothing move thy Gall Thou' rt â—ase ungrateful Roeb. Ungrateful I love thee Ned by Heavens my Friend I love thee therefore name not that word again for such a repetition wou'd over-pay all thy favours Lov. A cheap a very cheap way of making acknowledgment and therefore thou hast catch'd which makes thee more ungratefull Roeb. My Friendship even yet does balance Passion but throw in the least grain more of an affront and by Heaven you turn the Scale Lov. Pausing No I 've thought better my Reason clears She is not worth my Sword a Bully only shou'd draw in her defence for she 's false a Prostitute Puts up his Sword Roeb. A Prostitute By Heaven thou ly'st Draws Thou hast blasphem'd Her Vertue answers the uncorrupted state of Woman so much above Immodesty that it mocks Temptation She has convinc'd me of the bright Honour of her Sex and I stand Champion now for the fair Female Cause Lov. Then I have lost what naught on Earth can pay Curse on all doubts all Jealousies that destroy our present happiness by mistrusting the future Thus mis-believers making their Heaven uncertain find a certain Hell And is she Vertuous sound the bold charge aloud which does proclaim me Guilty Roeb. By Heavens as Vertuous as thy Sister Lov. My Sister Ha! I fear Sir your Marriage with Lucinda has wrong'd my Sister for her you courted and I heard she lov'd you Roeb. I courted her 't is true and lov'd her also nay my Love to her rivall'd my Friendship tow'rds and had my Fate allow'd me time for thought her dear remembrance might have stopt the Marriage But since 't is past I must own to you to her and all the World that I cast off all former Passion and shall henceforth confine my Love to the dear Circle of her Charming Arms from which I just now parted Enter Leanthe in Woman's loose Apparel Lean. I take you at your word These are the Arms that held you Roeb. Oh Gods and Happiness Leanthe Lov. My Sister Heavens it cannot be Roeb. By Heavens it can it shall it must be so For none on Earth could give such Joys but she Who wou'd have thought my Joys cou'd bear increase Lovewell my Friend this is thy Sister 't is Leanthe my Mistress my Bride my Wife Lean. I am your Sister Sir as such I beg you to pardon the effects of violent passion which has driven me into some imprudent Actions But none such as may blot the honour of my Vertue or Family To hold you no longer in suspence 't was I brought the Letter from Leanthe 't was I manag'd the Intrigue with Lucinda I sent the Note to Mr. Roe-buck this afternoon and I Reob That was the Bride of happy me Lov. Thou art my Sister and my Guardian-Angel for thou hast