criminal an undertaking such arguing might have given some check to the temptation much arguing there was between the woman and the Serpent where was Adam then had there been Frendship Adam could not have been so long from Eve being in the same garden with her till the Serpent could accomplish so great a work this seems to be a work of time neither is it likely had there been this amity that she would have intended much less have acted any thing till she had acquainted Adam with it with whom she would have had inclination enough to advise with in such a difficult case there being always a communication of affairs between friends no wonder the woman was seduced when all the wit and policy of hell was imployed to do it but Adam without that was betrayed he hastily ventures without reservation and exception upon the breach of so positive a command Again if this relation could convey the best Frendship none in that relation could miss it but experience evinces the contrary we finde not seldom their open enmity if the relation could convey it though there was little love before marriage there would be no want of it after but this is clear to common observation that where persons have ventured into this relation before the affection and fancy hath been fixed the relation hath been so far from engaging the affections and uniting the heart that it hath encreased the enmity and sometimes to murther and other violent acts and I might bring many reasons for this but I do not love to rake in a kennel Again as repeated fruition is the most binding thing among Friends in this relation it is most loosening I have heard some say and seriously to that repeated fruition is a dull thing blunts the edge of the greatest affection Frendship in this relation would be arbitrary and therefore it is that there are such strong commands obliging persons to the duties of it as is evident by the laws of God and man It is observable that Frendship is most tied and yet most free there are no laws confining friends they have no need of coaction to obedience love is a law to it self this shews the natural unfixedness of the one and the stability of the other some men were they left to their liberty as friends are they would change their wives as often as they put off their clothes men are much guided by humour and fancy small things deludes the fancy at one time and things as contemptible will alter it at another men hastily catch at a wife she pleaseth him well after a little while fancy hath found out some new object and then we hear them say they cannot fancy the old the new is better but Frendship is ever guided by reason and judgment and findes more amiableness and loveliness in the object every day give me leave to adde that persons in this relation are not capable of those convenient and necessary acts of kindeness that friends are Instance in emergences of state or times of war a frend may be eminently useful in either but what can a wife do she can have no vote in Council nor command in war The wife of David though the daughter of Saul and therefore did not want interest when he left the Court and betook himself to the wars signified little to him but Ionathan his friend was more useful then then ever and this is most considerable the advantage frendship has beyond relations for personal kindeness which comes to pass from hence because they are united in heart though not in person in a legal sense as men and their wives are and this is no small advantage hereby they are more useful in times of extremity where none will assist and help but them alone many acts of frendship women are not capable of if a husband be arrested his wife cannot bail him but his friend can if her testimony be never so full and pertinent it will not be taken for her husband I might instance in many other things but I hasten from this ungratefull argument Lastly If Frendship were made by this relation then no man would seek it elsewhere but we see those persons who have as much content as the relation can give ambition this state of frendship and they make the firmest and strongest alliances in this regard and the reason they give is this that they would finde satisfaction most suitable to their nature and being and that say they can be no where but among equals where this only can be found that the hearts are united and the persons free to all friendly acts and entercourses and this cannot be among relations where the persons are joyned but too often the hearts are free I hope none will mistake and think I have no true value for this relation I have really a great respect for this relation and highly esteem it where it is in truth rightly managed They are most happy that meet with least disappointments every one will conclude poverty and sickness what a change do they make persons in this relation aim at many ends which if they miss they are impatient and that because there doth not seem efficacy enough in the relation to command a submission to any great disappointment And by how much the more evils cannot be foreseen by so much the more intolerable they be I shall point at but one end and that is children if they fail of this end as sometimes they do what an alienation doth this make or rather a separation I am loth to say it is plain enough but friends can miss their ends in many thâ—ngs without distraction crosses doth not separate them but rather unite them Ionathan and David were never so united as then when affliction seized them then it was that they renewed their covenant and strengthned their affections one towards another Thus I have led you through two relations the one grounded upon the principles of nature and therefore binding the other upon a promise or covenant no less obliging to both these friendship is due but not that friendship or love I am treating of there is natural affection due to the one and a conjugal love due to the other which must be paid with all care and circumspection I shall touch a little briefly upon the third relation and so come to what I most aim at The Third Relation I am to speak to is that of Brethren I shall consider the persons and relation jointly brethren having in them all that worthiness that friendship requires are the fittest subjects for friendship but they do not pass into it upon the account of relation nature passes but little but as they are disposed and prepared for it either by natural qualities or moral excellencies We see brothers that live apart and adopt themselves to Families remote they have little love Frendship is nourished by the same matter by which it was first made it was created by communion and fellowship
as well as in robes Jonathan would rather strip himself for David than despise him for want of robes he did not abate his affection to David though he was thrown out of all his honour and splendour he had in Sauls court and was hunted up and down as a pattridge upon the mountains in prosperity a man will be present with his friend and consult him how to manage that estate with humility and general content times of prosperity requires the help of a friend as much as adversity The rich hath many friends few frue friends It is much harder to manage a great estate than that which is meaner Men of great estates have commonly greater hearts and that is the reason they have no more content in the midst of their sufficiencies they are in straights they have many flatterers few real friends as Rehoboam had many that are at their table that eat their bread insinuate into their secrets and yet lift up their heel against them Davids table was not without these many a good natured man is ruined for want of a faithful friend we finde that while Iehojada lived Ioas did well he was a faithful friend but when he died Ioas was soon ruined and undone A faithful man is sure in all times and upon all occasions Many accidents may rob a man of his estate nothing but death can take away his friend A man can suffer the losse of all carthly comforts and not think himself quite undone so long as he hath his friend which may prove strength in weakness pleasure in perplexity treasure in poverty a sympathizer with him in all conditions and will be with him in all places nothing but death shall be able to make a final separation he will stick at nothing ingenuity is noble and generous neither prison nor penury shall frighten him these are the seasons which he rather courts than fears because he can here best evidence his immutability Secondly the second flower we shall gather in this way of friendship is a support in the most dreadful afflictions in prosperity help is near in adversity it stands at a distance the rich have many friends but the poor is hated of his neighbour how seasonable is support in time of extremity at such a time we value kindness at a high rate that being the proper season for it because we try our friends then whether they will assist when others will not or cannot there are no seasons so proper and convenient for this purpose as times of great straits extremites when may be the condition of a man must not be known by his dearest relations nor can be but at a hazard of his life or credit such was Davids case when he fled from Saul and such is many a mans case instance in time of great losses and other calamities yet a friend must acquaint himself with these puzling affairs else he cannot discharge the duty and obligation he lies under he is bound not to desert his friend and resolves with Peter concerning his master though all forsake he will never forsake him I would be more diligent to enquire after the necessities of my friend than after any other thing that concern him not that I love trouble and sorrow but I love my friend and cannot decline that which is inseparable from him and if I cannot enjoy him no where else but in the furnace of affliction I should not think that too hot a prison would be sweeter to me were he present than a palace without him because I accept sufferings more heartily with him then pleasure without him and this is no paradox If the serenity of the minde be beyond the ease of the body and reason more to be indulged then sense it 's true prudence may facilitate troubles if the heart be calm but nothing can do it if that be unquiet the heart knows his own bitterness no person else can except a friend because hearts are united in friendship and there is a sympathy I will study all methods to support supply my friend and when I could do it no longer I would voluntarily suffer with him rather than forsake him love that warm affection maks adversity easy at least not so intollerable The third flower we gather in the way of frendship is a counsellor in doubts Many scruples doth assail and perplex the heart of a man which in credit and conscience he dares not reveal to strangers This hath proved the ruine of many a man and hath betrayed them into many sad temptations as murther rapine and all manner of cruelty not only against their nearest relations but against their dearest lifes occasioned either through melancholy inprudence rashness c. these might have been prevented by a judicious frend by whom they might have been awed conselled and prevailed with to avoid those ways and methods that lead to such extremities and by whom their scruples might have received a ready and satisfactory resolution whose tenderness would have invited him to use all perswasive and pacifying arguments I have seen direful effects my self arising from such causes how happy had some been of my near acquaintance had they had a faithful friend to have divided their cares and untye those knots melancholy was dayly tying to their destruction how easily might those webs that seemed intricate to them spun by the policy of Satan and cruel melancholy that irrational and black companion have been unravelled before they could have attained those dreadful ends that have been the consequences of them you know that a man suddenly unravels that which hath been the work of time a few well stated arguments hath and may through the blessing of God beat down the batteries that the devil makes against the precious life of man as mental discontents are most dangerous so secrecy in this regard is most pernicious because the greatest policy the devil hath is to keep this fire within a mans heart there he kindles a spark which soon blazes to destruction especially when melancholy blowes the spark the more secret fire is the more dangerous a spark may easily be put out before it comes to a flame but after it may be impossible no bodily affliction like heart-trouble yet these are not to be slighted Iob and Lazarus and many men under distracting pains as the gout and â—â—one and other violent distempers hath found friends very necessary when by a gentle hand their wounds dressed their bodies supported when by humouring and content they receive that pleasure that is not only useful but exceedingly necessary in such extremities The fourth fragrant flower we find in frendship is a companion in solitary and sad times society being never more pleasing then in solitariness I do not mean by solitariness that retiredness appointed for special duty and serious contemplation but such as is the consequence of some cruel confinement whereby we are denyed those innocent recreations and harmless diversions which would repair nature that is often tired in
times we see an antipathy in men against such particular persons there is no more reason to be given for the latter then the former yet the contrariety is as evident in the one as the other and this may be occasioned by the mistake of fancy rather then any real defect in the object the eye of fancy may be so vitiated that it may not be able to behold the clearnesse of a splendid object with complacency and delight a weak eye cannot look with content upon a clear air much lesse can it behold the sun there is such a contrariety in them so that we often draw a curtain between them as a screen or veil not that the air or sun are not both excellent in themselves but the reason why they are not desirable is the eye is not receptive of them because of its own imbecility and weaknesse fancy is often surprised in the first choice and election sometimes it 's blinde and declines objects most worthy and pursues those that are most base and abject it seldom consults reason but often betrays it spacious objects convey themselves through the fancy to the will the senses they inveagle the fancy and the fancy betrays and captivates the will Fancy othertimes is so idle that it will not take the pains to examine things but is put off with outward gaudiness it seldome is so circumspect to act by rule and that is the reason we are so uncertain in our first elections of persons and things Fancy rashly fixeth without the consent of reason to which it ought to be subservient rather complying with sence which makes it stray and warp from the exact rule it is very hard to secure the fancy which lies open to so many temptations and if it be betrayed and deluded it is as hard to reclaim it I have thought that passage in Samuel worth observation when he was sent to anoint David Eliab the elder brother passed before him he fancies him presently because he was a comely person we experience this among our selves when we come into a room where we see many strange faces we take an affection to one more then the rest Jonathans heart was knit to David while he was discoursing with Saul and he loved him as his own foul there is no reason to be given why a man should pitch upon one person with delight without the least concern for the rest but this fancy is surprized and that so strangely sometimes that reason cannot prevail to break those fetters the man is manacled with haply to his great prejudice and utter ruine As there are several things that may betray and delude the fancy so there are things that displease it that may be removed as a supercilious gravity this is very ungrateful yet may not be so rivited as never to be taken away as a harsh and severe aspect and the like but those things that cannot be divided from the person must though never so ungrateful in themselves be kindely accepted that which seems deformity to another which stands at a distance to the object may appear pleasant to me who am more united and therefore I may see comeliness where they fancy nothing but the contrary this being the prudence of friendship to reconcile it self to every thing that at the first view may seem not grateful if this cannot be done fancy is still uneasy where there is a latitude every faculty will endeavour a satisfaction fancy bears so great a sway in all matters of Love and friendship that it will be humored and that in the first place and the rather because it stands nearer then any other faculty to that object about which it is conversant it is so considerable that nothing can be done without it So there are many things very pleasing and acceptable to the fancy if it be rightly guided as an humble demonier a sweet and amiable conversation the wise-man observed that the countenance of a man rejoyceth his friend if I cannot look upon my friend with delight I cannot love him looking breeds liking and proves the inlet to affection Jonathan embraced the person of David very pleasant was Jonathan to David his love passed the love of the most passionate woman Secondly as we must love the person of our friend so we must love his conditions we cannot love his person and hate his conditions this is a paradox and altogether impossible I do not say but we may and must love the persons of our enemies though we must hate and abominate their conditions if they be evil but this is with a love of charity it cannot be with a complacential love what felicity can a vertuous man take in a vicious person he may love him so as to pitty and pardon and converse with him at distance but never so as to court his society and place him in his bosome it may be my friend is not the most affable courteous and obliging or the patientest or the best humoured man in the world yet I may love him one worthy quality is enough to make friendship but the more worthy the greater the reason a friend must endeavour a reconciliation to the condition of his friend as well as his person as far as possible and throw the mantle of love over those defects that are either accidental or such as are not so riveted that they cannot by contrary examples and friendly arguments be expunged instance a passionate man may see so much sweetness in patience that he may abhor contention and so much pleasure in a free and equal conversation that he may hate reservedness and so much grace and beauty in humility that pride may be cast out as most contemptible reason will mightily prevail with ingenious persons in this regard and they may easily be convinced of these vanities which cannot consist with Frendship love cannot be supported but by that which is substantial and this must be allowed that there are some dispositions that cannot comport themselves for Frendship there are dispositions or rather evil qualities that I could never be reconciled to and they are especially four covetousness and deep melancholy pride and envy I couple them together as those tyrants which aim at a perfect conquest over the heart and life these can never stand with this relation and state of Frendship because they are diametrically contrary and the only poyson that corrupt and destroy it First Covetousness ingrosses the whole heart and will endure nothing in the least contradictory Covetousness so debases the heart that no noble quality can inhabite there it bends and submits all to the mettal it so dearly loves and so highly values and that is thick clay Reason conscience and affection are all entangled in this golden web so that they cannot soare aloft either to fix upon or contemplate those things that ennable a man and makes him act like himself according to his moral excellencies and immortality of the soul A covetous man will lay all things at
value the life of his friend The calm temper is the best accommodated for frendship how much better is a handful of green herbs where quietness is then a stalled oxe with strife A malitious man cannot be grateful he is satisfyed with nothing if a man be good he grudges that if he be evil he will revile him though he be worse abundantly himself he is like the witches that put on their eyes when they went abroad but when they came home they put them in their pockets if he fancies an undervalue he will hate a man for that and he will never be serious about the cause of that hatred but pronounce judgment right or wrong upon the person offending as he pretends he will dispence with all manner of justice in this case he will do as Felix did by Paul may be promise a hearing at a more convenient season but that season shall never come he having much more pleasure in aggravating quarrels then studying peace Secondly The second qualification is sutableness in conversation and expression There must be an agreement here or else no amity and herein is most of the sweetness of frendship can two walk together except they are agreed walking signifies all manner of familiar converse and sociable delight and this is very pleasant I would rather have a friend that could delight me than one that could enrich me there is a vast content in the conversation of friends especialally in their communications recreations negotiations In conversation we express those endearments and affections that feed a real frendship in communicating our joys and griefs the first is doubled the last is divided with how much satisfaction do friends chat away sad times that otherwise would seem tedious either by disappointments or actual sufferings not seldom they discourse themselves out of a pettish humour changing distracting thoughts and ungrounded resolutions for a calm and serious temper and this may be done by solid and serious arguments wherein there is not only profit but beauty Solomon says a word spoken in season how good is it It is like apples of gold in pictures of silver friends they have much variety of business to communicate as their fears and doubts perfections and imperfections their hopes and delights especially their affections and covenant of frendship which is often renewed There must be this intercourse between frends to avoid suspition if they will be happy and this is exceeding necessary because fear offers violence to nature takes away mans strength draws a cloud upon all his comforts and lies like a talent of lead upon the heart we are most times more unhappy in what we fear then in what we feel How did Belshazars knees smite one against another and his very joynts were loosed when the hand-writing appeared upon the wall Is it not many times so with the best of us when God writes bitter things against us a friend in this extremity of affairs comes like the shepherds with tidings of great joy declares our peace with God his good will towards us These are the heart-cheating arguments that winds up the heart above those fears and like the sun dissipates the clouds and opens a door of hope fear overwhelms a man casts him into a swouning fit a gracious and serious friend revives and restores him to his strength again Doubts are as inseparable to men in their most serene temper as motes from the air in the clearest day or spots from the moon in the brightest night there is much cause of hesitation in men of the purest and most innocent conversations they are not without their entanglements many a perplexing web they spin but these may be unravelled by a judicious friend who happily may be skilful as Ioseph was to answer those riddles of providence and resolve those doubts that at present seems intricate and past finding out Ioseph was such a friend to the chief butler men are many times reasoned off their doubts and inforced to throw them away because they cannot abide the test and conviction of reason Ionathan and David the best friends we ever read of they spent much time in communicating their dispondences and trouble Saith David there is but a step betwixt me and death how affectionately did Ionathan resolve this doubt who alone was the most likely instrument to secure David which he did more then promise in his answer to Davids scruple where he saith whatever thy soul desires I will do it for thee and so goes on with pregnant arguments of his faithfulness to David whereby he cleared the most puzling doubt of all by expressing his care and kindness in a matter that concerned Davids life the preserving of which must loose Ionathan his crown Ionathan lying under this temptation no wonder if David had doubts in such times as these are friends must renew their covenants as they did and acquiesce in the faithfulness of each other Again friends communicate their Joys and hopes joy will strengthen nature as effectually as fear will impair it he is no friend that will not be more ready to impart his comforts then his sorrows which he may do with more freedom less caution and may promise himself a mutual satisfaction which doubles the content There are many things that cheers the heart but these being according to the conditions of the person concerned we cannot well define them but this in the general observe that whatever is absolutely necessary earnestly expected justly due if accomplished is a matter of joy delight and cannot faithfully be concealed whatever my friend takes pleasure in I must not withhold but rather augment illustrate and amplify it always annexing a complacent behaviour as the sittest temper for that season when the heart is upon the wing of hope joy that will raise the social communication of friends to a high pitch of satisfaction when the heart is full of pleasure it is full of love and resolution these being as natural to joy and hope as discontent and harshnes is to fear and doubt a merry heart makes a joyful countenance what is more pleasing then a cheerful aspect hope is to the soul as the anchor is to the ship it keeps it steady among the most perplexing waves Joy is a passion arising from the apprehension of some good we have in hand or in hope relating to our selves or others did I apprehend any thing in my self in the world or in my friend that could be matter of pleasure unto him I could be neither kind nor civil to conceal it nor could any thing be matter of joy unto me if I could not impart it at best it would be but a half joy Lastly love and delight must be imparted also in this equal conversation love is the hand within the wheel which turns the whole concern as the heart must not be without the habits of an intire affection so our conversation must not be without the acts in our daily commerce Love is
first and consider the charge this may cost you more than it is worth we must be very discreet in this case men cannot long love chargeable things such persons may expect too much distance obligation and service to stand with this relation you must wisely weigh all circumstances and not depend too much if you intend to be happy Money will beat down the price of friendship and contend for superiority and will think it very hard to be denyed when the least reason of challenge appears we know it is too base to be compared with friendship yet it would be honoured because it has a splendidaspect it carries its value in its face like an usurper endeavours to submit to slavery contempt that which is infinitely more valuable true it is a vertuous man may be outwardly mean and contemptible yet hath a minde more glorious than the gold that perisheth I cannot but smile when I see persons valued for their money and they take very kindely that which would be a vexation to me which is to see my servant honoured above my self How contemptible would many be though they make a great noise in the world and are cloathed in gorgeous apparel if their golden servant were gone that they are adored for such a man would be despised though he be now like Dives as Lazarus upon the dunghill there is no real worth in gold all is but fancy there is more worth in a peece of bread or in a draught of water then in all the silver and gold in both the Indies Heathens could see this We read of the Medes that they did not care for silver and for gold they had no delight in it It is hardly to be creditted how wise men do adore this dumb Idol and value themselves by it stripping themselves of robes and clothing themselves with rags I mean when they debase their reason which is the crop and glory of man in his moral capacity and cloathe themselves with thick clay I could never honor nor esteem a worthlesse man though I saw him tumble in gold no more than I could value a puppet because he had glittering attire I cannot admire persons as they admire themselves if their greatest excellency be riches and are only happy that they have what their mony can procure making a hundred things necessary to themselves men of real worth could live and be happy without I will never make a friendship with one that must maintain me it is ten to one if ever I should be brought to set so high a value upon an estate as those whose property it is would expect if all the gold silver in the world were put into one scale and a vertuous man in the other the latter would mightily overballance I will bless God for plenty but abundance I would be afraid of and evermore remember what we are taught in our Litany to pray which is in time of our wealth good Lord deliver us If money were as little valued as vertue and a greater price put upon goodness we might yet live to see some happy days There is nothing more contemptible than those that look no higher then money they cannot be honest they will make shipwrack of a good conscience to get it nor are they desirable because so low in their ends and aims that they do not think it worth their while to drive any other trade but their profit they will not be rational for fear they should not be rich they cannot look off from their wealth nor study any other mistery These persons will never be at the charge of frendship all your endeavour there will be like water spilt upon the ground that can never be gathered up again no suitable returns can be expected The third qualification is self-denyall this is most necessary in frendship friends must not be wilful there may be seasons when they cannot deserve that name if they cannot deny themselves Jonathan denied himself eminently for David they were both obliging but Ionathan exceeded because though he knew David would prove a supplanter yet he consulted how to preserve him hazarding the losse of his crown and kingdom A man will in some respects do more for his friend than himself in a way of self-deniall many men would be reduced to great straights rather than court some persons for themselves yet can cheerfully do it for their friend I could deny my self estate habitation relations any thing for my friend but reputation and conscience to sacrifice the first were to lie under a crime unpardonable aniong men the violating of the last a sin inexcusable before God both which would make me too base for this concern no person fit to be trusted with frendship that can prodigally part with those things so precious that nothing can repair or expiate The fourth qualification there must be freeness and openness of heart freedom and frendship is inseparable and can no more be divided then the cause from the effect Reservedness cannot be admitted It is too late to lock the cabinet when the Jewel is gone where I can give my heart I can reserve nothing true love allows neither reservation nor exception all is free their intercourse is without violence How insinuating is affection how easily it winds it self into the heart If I cannot live in the heart of my friend he is no friend to me And if he be an open-hearted man he is open-handed he that hath accesse to my heart hath a key to my cabinet or else no freedom and consequently no real frendship A generous man can as freely give as receive he hates covetousness If there can be no frendship without exchange of hearts surely then the heart comprehends all things else inferiour and speaks a full possession of all things that are near and dear to a man There is a reciprocation of affairs between friends all things are common there is but one common stock between them it is true the property may be in one but the use must be in both there is nothing so low as money among friends in their esteem and value and if they can part with every thing else they will never grudge that nor can any prudence restrain a man who hath voluntarily put his friend into possession and bound himself to maintain it and can no way be disobliged but by the worst perfidiousness possible there is no contending for propriety in this state if my estate snall not serve my friend I will never give him that name The fifth qualification is Wisdom a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit wisdom makes the face of man to shine upon his friend with heart-gladning rayes Solomon is said in respect of his wisdom that he was as an angel of God And indeed nothing makes a man in his moral estate more divine than wisdome A man cannot be happy except his friend hath competent wisdom I grant that there are differences in men some are not so capable
the heart because few understand it They that have a near inspection into the excellency of this state have a high value for it not so much for its outward beauty as inward excellency and these greatly esteem a true and faithful friend though they have not alwaies opportunity to obtain it others are utterly uncapable of ever obtaining it they hate the persons in whom they see a capacity for it meerly for their friendship like the fallen angels that kept not their first estate and therefore hates all those that are not plunged with them in the same unhappy estate I have seen persons greatly respected while they carryed it at a distance each to other but afterwards when they have been observed to unite in their affections have been hated vilified scorned and scandalized such is the enmity there is in some persons to this relation and this may procecd from one of these causes First Satan seems to be concerned in this matter knowing that the improvement of reason and vertue mightily prepares the heart for grace the young man in the Gospel in respect of his morality was a great proficient he is said by the best testimony to be not farr from the kingdome of God Men in friendship much improve because they are alwayes studying things grateful comely and acceptable and in this united capacity are not lyable to those various temptations that men of contrary tempers are insnared by Satan perceiving this studies all possible means to imbitter this state and as an effectual means to reach that end he sets profane men at enmity against those innocent persons and these are not only enemies to the pleasure and profit of friendship but are at enmity with the persons this proceeds from their ignorance as well as satans malice they understand nothing of what they censure and revile fondly conceiving that every attainment they hâ—â—e no part nor interest in not worth the having never considering their own incapacity for it who are so turbulent in their humors crosse in their qualities that they can never arrive at so much composednes as will comport with this temper nor is it altogether ignorance but envy also will be concerned which delights in nothing more than to spot this innocent garment I would never esteem that friend that were not resolved never to decline me upon any account whatsoever This was a great amplification of Jonathans love unto David his resolution never to desert him rather running the hazard of his fathers displeasure the losse of his crown and kingdome and which is more his precious life then deal falsly in this covenant I would take my friend as a man takes his wife for better for worse and resolve with Ruth whither thou goest I will go where thou lodgest I will lodge thy people shall be my people thy God shall be my God where thou dyest I will dye and there will I be buried resolution is the note and character of a true friendship and lowdly speaks it neither tottering nor unsound If Jonathan could have been corrupted in his love to David by any temptations there was enough to do it if threatnings accusations or intreaties could have prevailed it would have been done as the history will inform us but Jonathan could not fear the one nor credit the other against his friend nor is it every little slip in friendship it self would do it it must be some capital crime that can ma 〈…〉 separation True it is that a man is not alwayes grateful to himself and therefore cannot be so to any other at all times sometimes friendship comes gloriously arrayed othertimes is clothed in rags shall a man decline his friend because he doth not appear always so splendid as at other times and say he is no friend this is as irrational as to say a man is no man because he hath not on his best clothes there are many accidents that may render a man lesse pleasing and acceptable at one time than another the various tempers of body and minde doth make a great change these must be considered and allowed little things will not stick with a resolved friend The ninth qualification is compassion and tenness of heart this is the cordial of frendship and the hand that binds up the breaches in the heart that which repairs the defects of nature and puts life into a dying person this is that oyl that sweetly runs into the wounds of a perplexed heart and heals it that hand that wipes tears from the eye and takes the burthen from the heart it was not the smallest part of Jobs misery that he had not compassionate friends in his afflictions In affliction saith he pitty should be shewed by a friend but miserable comforters are you all If there can be pleasure in affliction this is it that I have a concerned friend every compassionate friend is a man of bowels he is afflicted in all that his friend is afflicted and will as freely share with him in his sorrows as in his comforts this is matter of great lamentation in affliction that we have none to pitty us the consideration of that doubles the misery and adds weight to the burden but this cannot be the case of him that has a true friend upon a sick bed who makes the bed so easie as a compassionate friend no society so pleasant and diverting as he in pain who is so merciful in penury who is so bountiful many will passe by in straights as the priest and the Levite did by the poor traveller but a friend will like the good Samaritan give oyl for his wounds and wine for his heart he will put his soul in his souls stead and do for him what he would desire for himself were the present case his own Here the golden rule shines brightly do you as you would be done unto This was the season Jonathan made use of to express his bounty and compassion unto David There is nothing more obliging in frendship than compassion a fellow-feeling and sympathy in our friend is very grateful when like the two twins History speaks of these sociable companions laugh and weep together these are like the strings of a viol touch one and the other trembles As their sufferings are mutual so are their satisfactions A man is not seldom more concerned for his friend then for himself I have experienced this who have somtimes born afflictions with so much the more paence and satisfaction because it passed by my friend and kindly took me the reason is ready because a great crosse upon the body is more easily born than that which is smaller upon the minde It is with the minde as with the body those distempers that touch the vitals are more dangerous than them that are accompanied with more exquisite pains in the body so heart afflictions are most vexations when my friend is under any affliction my minde is troubled and I feel that pain in my heart for him that perhaps he feels
far enough from his I have been more amazed and affrighted at the sufferings of my friends than I could have been at the apprehension of my own death and would willingly have purchased life to them by loosing my own As compassion is free so it is pleasant how cheerfully will a compassionate man look upon his friend in distresse not that he is not sorry for his affliction but to shew how pleased he is to help and assist him God loves a cheerful giver so doth man The aspect of a man in giving and receiving doth very often discover the heart of the giver for men can hardly handsomly dissemble it here when favours comeâ— from persons only moved by credit and relation and not from love how slowly do they come the chariot-wheels do move heavily then but when they come from a compassionate friend they fly and come insensibly nor is this all compassion goes farther to acts of clemency also that is a true friend who can heartily forgive and passe by infirmities without reflection he will not make a quarrel upon every slight occasion he is more proue to pitty then to reprove he doth not study exceptions but complyance he will ever make the best interpretation possible and look over the mistakes of his friend with allowance and where he finds a blot he will draw it fair again he will treat him with all civility and tenderness reprove kindly and seasonably excluding all manner of harshness cloathing himself with all humility gravity and civility and upon the discovery of any error if it be not very criminal he will say as Eli did of his sons this is not a good report I hear of you friend Wisdom as well as tenderness is also necessary in this case the well management of a reproof is a very nice point few understands it and as few are acceptable and successeful in this regard Amiableness in the countenance sweetness in the expression are the best expedients and seems to be the most effectual means to convince without leaving the least scar on the reputation or disquietness in the minde few persons love a reprover yet Solomon observed that men of wisdom do reprove a wise man and he will love thee The tenth qualification there must be complacency and delight as well as profit in a friend a man takes more pleasure in his friend than in all the world beside all other things are to him at a distance and we know things remote give no great delight the more united the more pleasure the sun under a cloud is not so desirable because it stands at a greater distance to the visive faculty as when it shines clearly without any interposition Solomon observed that it was a pleasant thing for the eye to behold the sun in its rayes when nothing intervened between the faculty and the object here are two things especially to be considered in frendship in order to a compleat delight and complacency that is proportion and propriety These seems to be the basis upon which that fabrick stands proportion not only prepares for it but greatly supports it and propriety conveys the pleasure and sweetness of frendship to the respective persons by multiplying endearments and such expressions which immediately proceed from a well-grounded affection how pleasant is a Romance thaâ— doth but feign frendship and is not frendly comerce and communion that is reall more considerable can a picture though never so well drawn give the content the person can that it â—epresents we finde they oftner draw feares â—rom our eyes then convey pleasure to the heart â—ecause they oftentimes tell us that our dearest â—riends are either lost or at so great a distance â—hat we finde more reason to despair then hope â—nd this fills our hearts with sighs and cares proâ—riety in a friend is the surest tye and the greaâ—est obligation certainly there is a superlative â—atisfaction there which appears not more in â—he communion than in the heart-breaking â—houghts and languishing desires in case of abâ—ence and this is most evident by our longing â—ighing after that person we have happily fixed â—oo much upon ever to be contented without the â—eal possession and constant enjoyment of yet so unhappy because of some cruel accident intervening that we cannot enjoy the object that there â—s a transcendent content and pleasure in the reâ—ation and state of friendship we cannot want arguments enough to prove especially this because we finde there that which in the highest mâ—asure will gratifie both the rational and sensitive appetite and this is done when by arguing useful discourses doubts are removed fears â—ly away how gladly do we welcome that person that can inform us of those things that are the causes or consequences of our joys and griefs reason will command reverence and comes with that power and efficacy as is irresistable passions may be reproved but reason must be honoured to which persons that are not wholly brutish will easily consent because of the nature of it which is sublime and excellent and yet easy and necessary there we finde such depths that the Elephant may swim such sholes that the lamb may wade no greater pleasure to the senses which must be satisfied as well as reason then the delight of friendship which is elivated by the pleasantness of the person and the certainty of the interest that he hath in that person David saith of Jonathan that his love passed the love of women proprietie and interest raises the affections and compleats the felicity of this concern the words of a frend drops like an hony-comb much more is a solid reason accepted which is like musick to the ear light to the eye and a cordial to the heart strips the person from his fears and clothes him with serenity and peace I can never fully speak the excellency of this concern give me leave to call in the testimony of those that have fully enjoyed it at one time but unhappily lost it at another these can more pathetically speak the excellency of that state we never come seriously to prize things till after we have lost them and in our mourning habit we are most talkative about the pretiousness of that we can never recall that which aggravates any loss is the speciality that is upon it an only son or an only friend this is that which imbitters the cross David sadly resented the death of Jonathan it was a loss as cruel as death Davids complaint for Absolon is the complaint of frinds when providence makes a finall separation would to God I had died for thee my friend my friend may we not go higher and with truth affirm it 's like the rending of the soul from the body it is that one stroke which cuts the nerves and sinews of all our comforts pleasure and delight the complacense of friendship is beyond the expression of the best reason therefore I cannot aim at a perfect discovery I have given you my twilight
apprehensions of it I proceed to the fourth thing which is the great end aimed at in the relation and state friendship First the advantage and utility of friendship is first in our eye as I could never fancy any man whose person was ungrateful so I could not love one whose parts are not desirable I can love my friend for any worthy quality and the more worthy the more he hath of my affections persons may without censure expect profit as well as pleasure in those things they dearly love and this is neither mercinary nor unreasonable but most commensurate and equivalent to the greatest end of friendship their ends in that concern are the same that his was spoken of in the parable that sold all to purchase the field in which the pearl was It was not the sield but the treasure he aimed at so a man doth not love any person barely for himself but as the cabinet that contains the Jewel he values he doth not love the Jewel because of the cabinet but the cabinet with the respect to the Jewel we rationally prize things when we value them according to their usefulness we prize water the sun and bread because these are so necessary that we cannot live without them friendship in some respect is as necessary as our nature cannot subsist without strengthning and nourishment no more as we are sociable can we be happy without society David was fully satisfied in Jonathan not more for the pleasure he had in his embraces as the benefit and profit of his counsel advice and directions as also his example which might prove as great an advantage to David if not greater than any of the rest without question that faithfulness and humility of Jonathan was as exemplary to David as his assistance and friendship was desireable A true and faithful friend is one of the richest talents God entrusteth us with a rich man takes much delight to contemplate his money that lies in such or such a place it is his only treasure and where the treasure is there the heart will be a mans friend is his treasure and as Solomon observed money answers all things that is to say that money can reach with as great truth we may say that an ingenious man answers all things that are necessary to a sociable happiness Secondly Society is one of the greatest ends of frendship that alliance was first contrived to promote sociable happiness man is a sociable creature and there is nothing more equall and consonant to his being and nature then society because hereby he is most capable of doing and receiving good in that method and manner which is most suitable to his reason and nature as also his inclination which is generous and not mercenary he doth not wholly aim at himself but that which amplifies the enjoyment is that it is mutual and can reach the content both of the subject and the object an ingenious man would not have a friend that cannot benefit him because then he could not be useful nor will he so spend and confine his affection if he sees a worthy person till he knows his reward or receives earnest by something extraordinary a true friend doth not study how to inrich himself by his friends bounty but how to better himself by his virtues or else by generous acts and obligations he is evermore making suitable returns nothing more contrary to vertuous persons then to level at low ends most ends are too low for love that noble affection yet we cannot erre here if our scope and aim be at religious principles and rational accomplishments the last makes us happy as men the first as Christians Thirdly a mutual satisfaction is aimed at in this relation of Frendship and that beyond what can possibly be obtained any where else what relation is there that will so far comply as a true friend there is none bound to study my humours but by my friend who must do it or he can never deport himself for this relation there are many paradoxes in frendship but it is to them that are strangers to the nature of this concern the misteries of frendship are very deep and cannot be fathomed by persons that are wholy strangers and unacquainted with this concern the sociable delight and mutual satisfaction between friends though it be very well understood amongst themselves is very intricate to those at a distance the conformity of friends are speaking and acting alike and submitting the reason and will each to other these are the hidden parts of frendship and not visible to every eye the sameness and similitude that is between them is not apprehended by others yet brings vast contentment to the persons concerned and exceedingly strengthens and confirms the alliance we love those that are like our relations much more those that are like our selves how pleasantly can a father look upon his image in his son and the more suitableness appears in their dispositions the more rooted and grounded is their affection we plainly see there can be no frendship between persons of contrary tempers but rather antipathies that which we call prudence is not known among them for if a man hates a person he dislikes all things that are about him so if he loves a person he approves of all things that concern him when the will of friends are melted and like lead run into the same mold then this conformity and the mutual satisfaction of both persons is attained contrary tempers are like contrary creatures still at variance Pride and humility patience and passion folly and ingenuity pieâ—y and carnal policy these can never consiâ—t together conâ—rarieties neither agree in whole nor in part In short this conformity is not only excellenâ—â—â—t self but also in its concomitants and tâ—ey â—re resolution and contentedness with every thing especially that which cannot be divided but with a fundamental destruction To be satisfied with the comfort of frendship without submission to the crosses is a foundation-errour and will occasion a breach irreparable in our humane state natural defects that cannot be cured these therefore must not be reflected on in a way of discontent to reprove or impose an impossibility is alike irrational it 's most unreasonable to dispute impossibilities and unkinde to make grating reflections because they still turn to scorn and scandal if they be publick and to discontent and trouble though they be never so private I can look upon the natural defects of my friends with more pleasure then the perfections of another because they are parts of what I dearly love and so much of himself that they cannot possibly be divided otherwise I would sooner take part of them my self then dislike them in him In the first choice I had my freedom might have declined the whole if I could not be reconciled to every part but now I cannot make exceptions but at this hazard the loss of my friend or at the least a perswasion in him that I cannot love him
made unfit for its high noble operations so that it cannot perform its acts with that delight and freedom Philosophers took a great deal of care speedily to cure all distempers of the body that no obstruction thereby might impede the pursuit of knowledge As the calmness of the minde mightily prepares for every serious action so perturbation hath a quite contrary effect and so distracts the minde that it proves the greatest prejudice imaginable because we often lose our reason in that croud which is the only expedient to prevail with us against any thing unnecessary or vexatious This is a Maxim that nothing serious can be done in haste Friendship is a serious thing and must be well weighed both in its substance and circumstances These things are very material in order to a well-grounded friendship that there be excellency in the minde sweetness and affability in the disposition and reality in the affection if we cannot be satisfied in all these we can expect to arrive at no better end then disappointment now to acquaint our selves with all these will require no small diligence and observation which will employ our most serious thoughts and take up a considerable time if a man be a servant to the meanest thing upon which he placeth an inordinate affection as indeed he is then this should awaken all our powers to contemplate this concern lest while we aim at pleasure we carelesly inslave our selves It is not notion but experience that fixeth content as nothing can destroy our happiness but the experience of evil so nothing can establish our satisfaction but the experience of good there is as much deceit in men as there is in stones men may insinuate themselves by specious pretences yet gross deceivers It is hard for a man that is blinded with pride or passion or any other delusion to understand himself he is not seldom betrayed by himself much less can he be understood by another there are shining men as well as shining stones otherwise that proverb had never been All is not gold that glisters we know many a stone hath the Diamond cut and colour yet but a counterfeit and when we think we have a treasure it proves but a trifle many men that through rashness and inconsideration fix their affection before experience had of the true value of the object are plainly cheated prodigally giving away their hearts without any assurance of sutable returns and hence it comes to pass that we see some frendship broken and shattered and in a short time moulder and come to nothing the Materials were deceitful like a house that is slightly built it appears strong and fair to the eye but soon decays the defect was in the foundation which though least seen is most dangerous Thirdly our too early fixing as it insnareth the affection so it condemns the judgment many will think themselves concerned here especially the most vicious that are curious in nothing but in praying into and searching after the failings of others such inquisitions being more natural gratifying extravagant humours who are most ready to censure what they least understand and make causless exceptions which if rightly argued they cannot answer one of a thousand Frendship may be envied it cannot be condemned while it remains pure and entire yet upon the least failer it is liable to the greatest reproach and scorn When Hushai Davids friend came to Absalom he was glad to see him yet how ready doth he upbraid him saying Is this thy kindness to thy friend Absalom was one of the worst of men and the greatest traitor but he hated treachery notwithstanding few men so barbarous as to love deceit hence that Proverb came that men love the Treason but hate the Traitor The greatest ground of condemnation is drawn from this especially our inconsiderateness in the first choice and election where we ought to have been most curious and circumspect and this is aggravated by two ungrateful circumstances First this seems to be a fundamental errour and therefore most dangerous and then it 's obvious to vulgar inspection and observation and this is a grating aggravation and comes attended with exclamations and often enforces a man to dissemble a kindeness to a person he could never do upon any other account then this that he might defend his judgement from censure and the relation of frendship from scorn and contempt nothing more contrary to an ingenious man then to own a kindeness for him that once deceived him especially in so material a concern as that of frendship where he expected the contrary yet prudence will not suffer him to deny him publickly it 's in this case as with him that hath bought a Jewell which he thought most precious but was cheated that man will be ashamed to own the deceit because thereby his ignorance is betrayed and next to being deceived he hates to be upbraided reputation is exposed to scandal in this case without remedy which is equally dear to him as his life what can he alledge should he say I thought my friend was worthy amiable and sincerely affectionate but I was mistaken what a contemptible plea is this as much as if he should say I was a novice and knew not how to make a right choice or I was careless and would not take the pains if ignorant how can he be a compleat Judge by what rule can he assigne errours on another when for ought he knows the fault is his own nothing will sooner misleade then ignorance if negligent worthy to suffer To prevent this be well acquainted with the person before you make this contract prevention is better then cure the more perfect knowledge a man hath of his friend the greater is his love to his person if he be worthy then acquaint your self with the law of frendship love hath law as well as duty and indispensable obligations which if thrown off make unhappy breaches It is necessary that there should be a principle of reason and choice in that person that is governed by this law first to consider the reason that enjoyns Secondly to descern the import of the concern Thirdly how to determine it self out of judgement and choice to accept it as worthy in it self and advantagious to the receiver no external force can compel the will to choose any thing but under a notion of comparative goodness as the inferiour creatures are moved by the secret force of natural inclination so rational creatures are wrought upon and insensibly drawn by moral engagements as the foresight of rewards or threatnings annexed invites them Frendship cannot be without commands if that be true that the dispensing of benefits acquire to the giver a right to command and lays on the receiver an obligation to obey and these rights and obligations are measured by the nature of the benefit as their just rule This is a Maxim that every rational man readily assents to no commands so pleasing as those of love no duty so easy
as others proportionable to the wisdom of our friend so is our wealth in him that is the greatest treasure because most excellent and useful there are many intricacies a man winds himself into sometimes by impudence othertimes by ignorance the clue is in the heart hand of a judicious friend that may bring him out If my friend be wise I can confide in him in the worst of times many plain-hearted men have been undone for want of this how oft do we hear them complaining all this evil is come upon me because I had no serious wise and faithsul friend to advise me in this or the other affair but now it is too late I am ruined If Ioabs wisdom had not interposed David had been undone in that case concerning Absolon A wise man can see an evil before it comes and extenuate it when it is come A prudent man foresees the evil and hideth himself and his friend both they will be together It was no small advantage to Pharaoh that Ioseph foresaw the evil of famine coming upon the land of Egypt when it came how easy it was made by the wisdom of Ioseph the story will inform us There are many things to be done before we come to an undoing necessity a wise man foresees that and does that now by way of prevention that an imprudent man would wish he had done when the extremity is upon him Wisdom is most desirable in this regard because there is no great want where it is rightly improved it is the ladder by which men climb up to honour and is useful in all conditions in prosperity a wise man will remember that he is in slippery places and therefore will look well to his steps in adversity that he hath many temptations and therefore must be serious and considerate Let a wise man be cast into never so much mire and trampled upon he sparkles like a diamond still nothing can deprive him of his worth and excellency True it is that wise men are not always rich nor rich men are not always wise yet the former may and shall have the preheminency riches and greatness being both subordinate to wisdom the poor wise man delivered the city when the king could not do it by his honour wealth and strength Have we matters of high trust none more fit to commit them to then a wise man In troubles he will support in straights he will direct in most perplexing business and puzling doubts he will advise when to be active when to sit still none fit for sriendship but these many there are that are faithful and affectionate and would be very active if they knew how or in what method but for want of wisdom They conclude all their good desires in a few empty wishes which may satisfy themselves but never serve their friends but wife men are most useful therefore much to be ambitioned this is an indifpensable qualiâ—y for friendship which must be endeavoured with all possible care The Sixth qualification is faithfulnesse this is the cabinet that contains our most precious jewel I mean the secrets of the heart secrecy in a friend is the most precious part of friendship and that because there is assigned to that part the highest trust imaginable a defect here cannot be without the greatest treachery conceivable because it makes a perfect divorce and strikes against the very nature and essence of friendship Solomon observed that a faithful man conceales the matter There are many things between friends that are in no case fit to be revealed nor cannot be done but with the greatest treachery because thereby a man betrays the highest trust which nothing can make a crime more unpardonable The intercourses between friends cannot be revealed without detriment because expressions of kindness though innocent may by an unfaithful repetition prove prejudicial and slaunderous There are these things especially in a faithful man that challenges our respect and value and renders him exceeding precious First he is true you may trust him he doth not wear like Jezabel a painted outside or like the gallants of our times that hath the most endeared expressions in their mouthes their voice is the voice of Jacob but their hands the hands of Esau And this is very much to be admired especially in persons of ingenuity because men naturally love truth and value things according to truth Instance a picture if it be never so curiously drawn shall obtain no reputation if it do not resemble the person it represents No wonder there is no more love in the world men cannot trust one another Joab-like they cry my brother and smite deadly Is not a faithful friend to be valued in such times as these when there is a lye in the right hand of those that in complement pretend the greatest reallity if I cannot believe a man I cannot trust him nor treat him without suspicion nor value him nothing more destructive to friendship than falshood nothing more obliging than faithfulness As a faithful man is true so he is honest and just he is a covenant-keeping man as well as a covenant-making man and this is considerable because in all friendships there must be covenants you see that between David and Jonathan the pattern of friendship the covenant of God was between them it is called the covenant of God by way of eminency for every thing in Scripture that hath the name of God annexed to it as the city of God or the mountain of God or the temple of God this speaks the eminency of those things The covenant between friends is not a trivial thing but weighty and seriously to be heeded we ought not to break promise with an enemy God hath severely fallen upon covenant breakers and good men have been very consciencious in making good their covenants as we may see in the case of the Gibeonites Josh 9. 15. Joshua knew that they were deceivers and that they had sinisterly brought him into league with them yet the league being made Joshua could be no way discharged by any manner of prudence piety or policy Many men makeâ— covenants but few keeps them Covenants are very binding to men of honest and just principles 〈◊〉 bind the conscience as well as the reputation a prudent man will not be brought into covenant when he foresees a breach unavoidable because as a man cannot be wise rashly to promise so he cannot be just if he doth not exactly keep 〈◊〉 There is nothing next to holynesse more valuable than justice next to believe and be saved that golden rule takes place do as you would be done unto A man that is faithful cannot be bribed by profit nor biassed by pleasure to prejudice hiâ— friend he cannot be uncertain you may know where to finde him he is not a friend to day and an enemy to morrow as he never fixed without deliberation so he can never alter without great provocation The place where our treasure lyes must be certain or else the
so intirely as I ought and the relation justly challenges Beauty is not much in frendship a sociable and amicable disposition is much more necessary if this be wanting it is not like some natural defects in the body that art can mend nothing can supply all the art of reason and religion together cannot do it we see this in angry Jonas whom God could not please he thought he did well to be angry with God himself I have sometimes taken much pleasure in contemplating the satisfaction I have observed among friends how studious they have been to please each other how ready to serve how impatient of any interruption to their social delights how unsatisfied if they could not in all respects reach a mutual content If to have the greatest contrivance how to promote our interest in the world in respect of credit estate or life be a satisfaction friendship is that If the greatest love the highest value the sweetest embraces the most constant and pleasing communion care love goodness faithfulness bounty ready service be desirable then friendship is most incomparable How easy suffering how pleasant service and how inconsiderable do life appear where mutual satisfafaction is in view where a man would otherwise indulge himself and sit down and consider the expence of a chargeable and painful undertaking before he will venture upon it it is very observable where mutual satisfaction is aimed at especially in great enterprises and high undertakings let the conclusion be never so good if death or any cruel accident have divided the friends the contents is not half what it would have been had it been mutual the end aimed at was the satisfaction of both which being ardently desired but really lost is constantly lamented and instead of a gainful possession there remains nothing but a melancholy diversion this constantly torments the minde which if unquiet will imbitter the sweetest enjoyments David could not receive the news of victory with any satisfaction because Absolon was slain who probably he intended rather to reduce then destroy promising himself a mutual benefit by that victory how eager are friends to promote the pleasure one of another they remove all impediments and study all expedients to that effect He is no friend that hath not experienced this that upon any offence gâ—ven as occasioned by him he finds as much trouble in his own heart as can possibly possess the heart of his friend grief and anger presently employed the first that any occasion should be given or taken to discompose his friend the last that he should do any thing to procure it together with thoughts and cares how this breach may be made up again It is probable every method will not do it I would bear with any thing rather than consent to a quarrel with a person I dearly loved but if offences were causelesly taken I would think it more prudence to dispute it than submit If I submit I am not only beholding for a pardon but confess the crime and become my own judge to condemn my self I have observed let the submission be never so ingenious if the fault be thought great it will prove but the skinning over the wound and upon a more muture consideration seem but a small satisfaction If credit and reputation are concerned in the quarrels and unavoidably sow the seed of suspition in the heart to prevent this deliberation seems most adviseable in which time the present passion and animosity may wear of and reason may be heard on both sides and they may be inclined rather to lose something of their own right then appear exact or punctual the law of friendship absolutely forbidding all such exactness I would make any interpretation serve rather than endanger a fundamental difference because I never yet could be convinced by the observations that I yet could make that a fundamental breach could be repaired I mean by this that which strikes against the nature essence of friendship Instance as the revealing of a secret a treacherous blow revilings by which my reputation may be impaired for ever if such as these occasion a breach it is like that of a venice glasse that can never piece again art may mend it but nothing can cement and repair it there may be reasonings pro and con and the best argument may carry it for the present but there cannot be a difference occasioned by any wilful disobligation in any case allowed it being a crime unpardonable and that which I would never ask forgiveness of nor could I be satisfied in any friendship I foresaw any thing could intervene destructive to it I could never love one I thought I could possibly be induced to hate such a thought would prove a grief that would drown my comfort and fill my heart with those doubts that never could admit of satisfaction I come now to the fifth thing premised viz. the pleasure and delight the ways and friendship is strewed with Here are many flagrant flowers we shall gather them as we go The first fragrant flower is this a man hath something secure in the most uncertain times and that is no small advantage you know fortune is very uncertain the wheel is up to day and down to morrow and what more common than to see men valued or undervalued according to their present state in relation to outward things all admire those that are uppermost trampling upon every thing beneath them looking more at the outward varnish then the inward lustre painted scpulchres make a gaudy shew yet have no real pleasure in them because though they are fair to the eye they are filled with nothing but rottenness and corruption Most persons look at the superficial part of a man wholly judging according to sense without the least appeal to reason which ought to be first satisfied in every doubtful case else we may be byassed and being in the dark mistake things to our prejudice I have read a story of a traveller that came to a painter in a kinde of disguise and desired to be imployed being of the same profession and though a great artist very meanly accoutred the painter received him and treated him according to the meanness of his present capacity bread and cheese was his fare which this artist thought a diet too course for his fine art he presently paints his mean food most exquisitely and goes his way leaving his new master to lament his ignorance and prejudice in loosing so gainful a fervant which was aggravated by the circumstances that attended it the master returning missed his servant but found his breakfast as he supposed and though he were an artist he ingeniously confessed that the representation seemed as real to his senses as the true food did to his reason The hidden parts of friendship are not visible to all the world persons in the relation doth not like money carry their value in their faces yet they are not without true worth a man can prize his friend in rags
the wisest person I ever yet saw I fancy I never met with any person prudent enough to make up differences between dear and intimate friends my reasons are these First friends cannot be more friends one to another then to themselves therefore they decline judgment in their own case and addresse themselves to a third person not to be condemned but to be vindicated which they both expect nor can this third person be a competent judge because he can never be rightly informed if there be any secrecy in the case because all friends lie under this restriction they cannot reveal a secret that would widen the breach and make it so much the more impossible ever to be mended and would prove like the stopping of blood in the nose by wounding the heart I argue thus this third person must be such a person as must have the command of both otherwise he will be over-born and then he must act as a mediator or a Judge if as a mediator he must intreat both can command neither and then will very hardly reconcile them they expecting one from the other what he requires from both that is compliance and submission If he act as a â—udge he must acquit or condemn he cannot acquit both there must be a fault somewhere otherwise there could be no quarrel nor can be condemn both with any kind of prudence for then he leaves them as he found them dissatisfied still if not about their guilt for possibly they may be convinced they were both in a fault yet about the measure they may dispute one will say he is not so much guilty as the other now unless this last which is the guilt can be determined and ascertained nothing is done and this cannot be done but by a definitive sentence upon one of the two which will be so far from making peace that it will promote and ascertain the quarel because before whateverjudgment passed between them upon either was but judging in their own case and might be contemned by either without any further breach but now being condemned by a person mutually chosen the judgment must stand againâ—t that person convicted and so the quarrel must rest groundedly on that side which will hardly be submitted to by the other so then the result will be this the quarrel that was only between two before is now between three Solomon says he that meddles with contention takes a bear by the foot and may get a snap for his pains but this is sure he shall never pass without a blot It is most true that as differences among friends ought with all prudence to be concealed so if once they come to be publick they can hardly remain friends I would with much more content in this case make a new friendship than repair the old this being more chargeable and hazardous that being more easy and certain Fourthly Do not readily accuse your friend nor hearken to them that doth it the least countenance in this case as it will incourage an enemy so you your self may be insnared with the well advised is wisdom if you argue wisely you will never accuse rashly see that there be good ground for an accusation before you receive it least you fail of your evidence and retreat with shame and losse nor must you give an ear to others in this matter because this may convey prejudice into your heart insensibly and make so deep an impression which though never so false and ungrounded will never afterwards give place to the greatest truth having taken the first possession nor be clearly rased by the best policy it may disappear sometimes but like an apparition at other times it will appear again and possibly prove a constant vaxation either to the fancy as to a mans felf or by reflexions from others It seems more prudence to stop the ear against an accusation then study the most compendious defence because a man is as likely to be corrupted as the accuser is to be convinced especially if the last can more wittily manage the scandal then the first can the truth varnishes will set off much and men thtough carelesness sometimes consent to what they could not rationally believe if they would take the pains to consult reason I think I would set my head and my heart at work rather than by any consent of mine give satisfaction to persons at enmity with frendship or with my friend as to hearken much lesse give the least credit to their impeachments I should be very unwilling so much to promote my own disquiet who can have little peace if such an Achan lay in my bosom which might secretly cut the knot of frendship or raise such a storm that could not easily be allayed Fifthly do not in all companies commend your friend above an ordinary pitch this may prove his greatest prejudice he that riseth early in the morning to commend his friend the wise man saith it shall be counted to him as a curse We have a remarkable instance of this in Saul the women answered ane another as they played saying Saul hath slain his thousands and David his ten thousands and Saul was very wroth and this saying displeased him Saul eyed or envied David from that day forward Hereby you draw many envious persons nearly to inspect every of his actions in case of the least flaw appearing either in life or birth improve them to his disadvantage rather contemplate and imitate his perfections then discourse them lest you meet with subtle men who are resolved in opposition to you though may be no way prejudiced against him you pleade for at the present who will be as industrious to fix a scandal as you are to attribute real worth and they may haply finde more arguments for that aspertion though false then you can for the truth especially if you undertake the defence of what you cannot unquestionably maintain and so as your argument falls the credit of your friend looses besides you are apt to mistrust and hesitate about that you cannot say more for then another can say against and so instead of bringing your friend into reputation with others he may loose his credit worth you not because he deserves it but because you were not rightly informed and prepared to undertake such disputes Let your friends good works commend him in the gates all his praise-worthy qualities must be private or publick or both if private not always fit to be proclaimed they being never so good are liable to censure by them that like spiders suck poyson where others finde honey the excellency of frendship may be so interpreted that much prejudice may accidentally insue thereby some men are prone to censure what they cannot understand others willingly shut their eyes because they cannot look upon that without prejudice in another which makes them so much more splendid than themselves It is with them as with the weak eye which cannot behold the sun in its body not that there
stake rather than his mony his reputation life soul any thing shall go see this in Gehezi and in Demas the one imbraced a leprosie rather than loose a talent the other forsook God to imbrace this present world Have we not instances of this before our eyes every day when we see men lay their honour in the dust sacrifice life content and every thing to this dumb Idol that man that loves mony more than himself or God must needs love it better than his friend and therefore above all persons fit to be excluded Secondly melancholy in the extremity of it comes next to be examined and this always accompanies the former that fills the heart with distracting cares vehement desires which if crossed presently this is ready as an effect of that cause as appears in wicked Haman he coveted not only riches but honour as most covetous men do though they never do a generous act to deserve it and because he could not obtain it from Mordecai an inconsiderable person in his esteem he presently falls into a fit of melancholy and though he had more to boast of then most men in respect of his honour riches and favour with the King yet all this signified nothing as long as Mordecai stood in the kings gate who refused that obeisance to Haman he so eagerly coveted and so impartiently pined after and hereupon the devil deludes him and helps him to hammer out this device in his own shop which is melancholy to hang Mordecai This was the anvil Haman had been working at before when he had framed an engine to destroy all the Jews I cannot find any ill quality excluded from melancholy as wrath malice envy uncharitableness mis-trust self-love in the highest degree and where all these are we may justly conclude there cannot be frendship they love nothing but themselves they indulge themselves they admire themselves as if God had created them for no other purpose or to any other end and so extream wilful are they if they will their own destruction they will effect it they are naturally the greatest cowards in the world and they cannot be otherwise except carried out by some violent motion as pride jealousie covetousness or malice c. they will lay violent hands upon themselves and this they call resolution but it is the cowardlyest act possible to come upon nature when it is naked and destroy it when by starving or discontent nature is brought low to lay violent hands upon it this cannot be valour I dread nothing more than this pettish humour and disposition I could never make friendship with a person who in all respects I might believe would be as prodigal of my life should I trust it with him as of his own Many Examples we have of this daily and much blood hath been shed by melancholy that often harbours such discontents that nothing but blood can satisfy and not seldom the blood of those they have most reason to preserve Judas was such a one who through covetousnes first betrayed his master and after through melancholy hanged himself Secondly let us consider the other couple pride and envy A proud man cannot be a true friend because he cannot deny himself in any respect He wholy aimes at himself in his thoughs words and actions his honour pleasure ease is all he looks after he is not sollicitous how it fares with others He will be a Diotrephes and have the preheminence he cannot give place himself is his end and his will is his rule by which he squares all his actions and the Law he endeavours passionately to bring all others unto subjection to at least all those that are under his power and jurisdiction like Haman he will rather lose his life then abate any thing of his pride is contentious and clamorous and cannot stand with friendship Iehu-like he carries on all his designes he is well learned in the art of multiplication and addition but a novice in the rule of substraction except from others to himself Pride is an unbecoming garment let it be never so splendid in shew it is but a fools coate a proud man is still building up his own reputation with the ruine of others he thinks himself always degraded when another is valued and whatsoever is attributed unto another though never so just he thinks it a wrong done to him he would willingly ingrosse all the applause unto himself though he never appear in any generous action to deserve it he cares not who loses so that he may gain he will rather rob God himself as Herod did then deny applause he will blaze abroad any thing that hath but the appearance of good but will seldom or never do any praise worthy act upon an adress to him let the complaint be never so just and the adresse never so humble and the object never so deprorable he is no way affected but like Nabal a man cannot speake to him he covets to be admired by all but obliges none feared he may be but never loved this man may promise fair but he is so uncertain you cannot trust him by all which it is clear that a proud man cannot be fit for frendship that requires all the contrary dispositions and must possefs them or cannot be at all Secondly Let us consider a little of Envy Solomon saith make no frendship with an angry man and with the envious thou shalt not go and here that I may not be mifunderstood we must distinguish of anger I do not mean by anger here the boiling of the blood which comes from a natural cause this is like a flash of lightning soon come and soon gone This is found to be the consequence of the best disposition but I mean by this anger that which ariseth from an envious heart that cannot sleep except they have done mischief These are like thunderclaps secretly wounding to the very heart and bears down all before it Solomon observed this who can stand saith he before envy Such have those things in their hearts and practises that cannot possibly abide with frendship but would immediately like a worm eat out the substance of it This anger or rather revenge rests in the bosome of these fools It is not a wayfaring man that continues for a night but an inhabitant that is always at home plotting and contriving how to tread down credit estate life and all if it stand in its way An envious man hath these qualities he is soon disobliged never reconciled He can forgive he will say but never forget he is constant in nothing but vexation his tongue a persecutor his heart like the troubled waters casting up nothing but mire and durt Such a one was Simei his revenge to his servant was so great that he must follow him with the peril of his own life You know what Simei was by his railing at David doubtless he was an envious and a malicious man he that will prefer his passion before his own life will hardly