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A02159 A quip for an vpstart courtier: or, A quaint dispute betvveen veluet breeches and clothbreeches Wherein is plainely set downe the disorders in all estates and trades. Greene, Robert, 1558?-1592. 1592 (1592) STC 12300; ESTC S105869 42,418 58

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tenth a husbādman the xi a diar and the xii a saylor and I their vickar how could you sir haue a fitter iurie than me and my parishioners you are a little too breefe qd clothbreeches are you not some puritan M. parson or some fellow that rayseth vp new scismes and heresies amongst your people A plague on them all qd sir Iohn for the world was neuer in quiet deuotion neighbourhood nor hospitalitie neuer flourished in this land since such vpstart boies and shittle witted fooles becam of the ministerie such I mean as Greenwood Martin Barrow Wigginton and such rakehels I cannot tell they preach fayth fayth and say that doing of almes is papistrie but they haue taught so long Fides solam iustificat that they haue preached good works quite out of our parish a poore man shall as soone breake his necke as his fast at a rich mans dore for my friend I am in deed none of the best scholars yet I can read an homilie euery sundaye and holiday and I kéepe company with my neighbours and go to the alehouse with them and if they be fallen out spende my monie to make them friends and on sundaies somtime if goodfellowship call me away I say both morning euening praier at once and so let them haue a whole afternoon to play in This is my life I spend with liuing with my parishioners I séeke to do al good I offer no man harm Wel qd clothbreeches I warrant thou art an honest vickar and therfore stand by thou shalt be one of the quest and for you smith I sée no great fault in you you earn your liuing with the sweat of your browes there can be no great knauerie in you only I would haue you mende your life for drinking sith you are neuer at quiet vnles the pot be stil at your nose But you Weauer the Prouerbe puts you downe for a craftie Knaue you canne filche and steale almost as ill as the Taylor your woofe and warpe is so cunningly drawn out that you plague the poore Countrey huswines for theyr yarne and dawbed on so much dregges that you make it séeme both well wrought and to beare waight when it is slenderly wouen and you haue stolne a quarter of it from the poore wife Away be packing for you shal be cashierd What Miller shake hands with your brother the Weauer for knauery You can take toll twise and haue false hoppers to conuey awaye the poore mans meale Be gone I loue not your dusty lookes and for companie goodmanne Cooke goe you with them for you coosen the poore men and Countrey Tearmers with your filthy meate you wil buy of the worst and cheapest when it is bad enough for dogs and yet so powder it and perboile it that you will sell it to some honest poore men and that vnreasonably to If you leaue any meate ouer night you make a shift to heate it againe the next day Nay if on the Thursday at night there be any left you make pies of it on sunday morninges and almost with your slouenlie knauerie poison the poore people To be short I brooke you not and therefore be walking For the Carpenter Glouer and Waterbearer the Husbandman Dier and Sailor sith you trades haue but petty sleights stand you with Mai. Vicar you are like to helpe to giue in the verdict but for the pedler and the Tinker they are two notable knaues both of a haire and both cosen Germaines to the Deuill For the Tinker why he is a drowsie bawdy drunken companion that walkes vppe and downe with a trug after him and in stopping one hole makes three and if in conuenient place he méetes with one alone perhaps risle him or hir of all that euer they haue A base knaue without feare of God or loue to any one but to his whore and to himselfe The Pedler as bad or rather worse walketh the Countrey with his docksey at the least if he haue not two his mortes dels and Autem mortes he passeth commonly through euery paire of stocks either for his drunkennesse or his lecherie And beside it is reported you can lift or nip a bounge like a guire Coue if you want pence and that you carrie your packe but for a coulour to shadow your other villanies Well howesoeuer you are both knaues and so be iogging Well quoth I suppose the Iurie is almost full I beleeue we want not aboue three or foure persons Looke you where they come to make vppe the number and they should be men of good disposition for they seeme to be all of the Countrey Assoone as they came to vs I met them and told them the matter and they wer content The one said he was a Grasier the other a Farmer the other shepheard to them both What thinke you of these three quoth I Marry saith Veluet breeches twoe of them are honest men but the other is a base knaue but t is no matter shuffle him in amongest the rest Naye by your leaue qd Cloth breeches I wil shuffle out these two for they are the very Cormorants of the Countrey and deuoure the poore people with their monsterous exactions And first I alledge against the Grasier that he forestalleth pastures and medow grounds for the feeding of his cattell and wringeth leases of them out of poore mens handes and in his buyeng of cattell he committeth great vsurie for if it proue a wet yeare then hee maketh hauocke and selleth deere if it be a drie yeare then hee buyeth cheape and yet hauing pasture keepes them till he may come to his owne prise he knoweth as well as the Butcher by the feede of a bullocke how much Tallow he will yeelde what his quarters will amount vnto what the Tanner wil giue for the Hide Nay what the sowse wiues were able to make of the inwards so that he sels it so déere to the Butcher that he can scarse liue of it and therfore what subtlety the butcher vseth commeth from the Grasier so that I exempt him from the quest as a bad member and an ill friend to Cloth breeches And for you mass Farmer you knowe how thorough you couetise Landelordes raise their rentes for if a poore man haue but a plough land if you see his pastures beare good grasse and his earable ground good corne and that he prospereth and goeth forwarde on it and prouideth and maintaineth his wife and seruants honestly then Inuidus alterius rebus macressit opimis vicinumque pecus grandius vber habet Then straight enuie pricks the farmer forward and he bids the Landelord farre more then the poore man paies yearelie for it so that if he be a Tenant at will he puts him out to begge in the street or when his lease comes out he ouerloades him in the fine and thus bloudsucketh he the poore for his owne priuate profit Besides the base chuffe if hee sées a forward yeare and that corne is like to be plenty then
cloke al to be dawbed with colourd lace both he and my gowned brother seemed by their pase as if they had some sutes to mounsieur bootes At length comming neere I might discerne the first to be a Poet the second a Player the third a Musitian alias the Vsher of a Daunsing schoole Well met maister Port qd I and welcome you friends also though not so particularly knowne So it is though none of you thrée be Common wealths men yet vpon vrgent necessitye we must bee forced to employ you We haue a Iury to be empanelled immediatly which one of you thrée must helpe to make vp euen he which approues himselfe the honestest man They are all honest menne and goodfellowes quoth Veluet breeches therefore it is no great matter whether of them wee choose The Doctors doubt of that quoth Cloth bréeches for I am of a different opinion This first whome by his carelesse slouenlie gate at first sight I imagined to be a Poet is a wast good and an vnthrift that hee is borne to make the Tauernes ritch and himselfe a begger if he haue fourtye poundes in his purse togither he puts it not to vsurie neyther buies land nor Marchandize with it but a monethes commodity of wenches and Capons Tenne pound a supper Why t is nothing If his plough goes and his inkhorne be cleere Take one of them worthie twentye thousande pound and hang him He is a kinge of his pleasure and counts all other Boores and pesants that though they haue money at command yet know not like him how to Domanéere with it to any purpose as they should But to speak plainelie I thinke him an honest man if he would but liue within his compasse and generally no mannes foe but his owne Therefore I hold him a man fit to be of my Iurie Nay quoth veluet bréeches I haue more mind to these two for this Poet is a proud fellowe that bicause he hath a little wit in his budget will contemne and dislike vs that are the Common sort of Gentlemen and thinke we are beholding to him if he doo but bestow a faire looke on vs. The plaier and the Vsher of the dauncing schoole are plaine honest humble men that for a pennie or an olde cast sute of apparell Indeed quoth Cloth bréeches you say troth they are but too humble for they be so lowlie that they be base minded I meane not in their lookes nor apparell for so they be peacockes and painted asses but in their course of life for they care not howe they get crownes I meane how baselie so they haue them and yet of the two I holde the Player to be the better Christian although he is in his owne imagination too full of selfe liking and selfe loue and is vnfit to be of the Iurie though I hide and concele his faults and fopperies in that I haue beene merrie at his sports only this I must say that suche plaine country fellowes as my selfe they bring in as clownes and fooles to laugh at in their play whereas they get by vs and of our almes the prowdest of them all dooth liue Well to be breefe let him trot to the stage for he shall be none of the iurie And for you maister vsher of the dauncing schoole you are a leader into all misrule you instruct gentlemen to order their féet when you driue them to misorder their manners you are a bad fellow that stand vpon your tricks and capers til you make yoong gentlemen caper without their lands why sir to be flat with you you liue by your legges as a iugler by his hands you are giuen ouer to the pumps vanities of the world and to be short you are a keeper of misrule and a lewd fellow and you shall be none of the inquest Why then qd I you are both agreed that the Poet is hee that must make vp the xxiiij They answered both he and none but hee Then I calling them all together bad them laye their hands on the booke and first I cald the knight and after the rest as they followed in order then I gaue them their charge thus Worshipfull sir with the rest of the iury whome we haue solicited of choice honest men whose consciences will deale vprightly in this controuersie you and the rest of your company are here vpon your oath oathes to inquire whether Clothbréeches haue done disseison vnto Veluetbréeches yea or no in or about London in putting him out of franke tenement wronging him of his right and imbollishing his credit if you finde that Clothbreeches hath done Veluet bréeches wrong then let him be set in his former estate and allow him reasonable dammages Vpon this they laid their hands on the booke and were sworne and departed to scrutine of the matter by inquirie amongst themselues not stirring out of our sighte nor staieng long but straight returned and the knight for them all as the for most said thus So it is that we haue with equitie and conscience considered of this controuersie betwéene Veluetbreeches and Clothbreeches as touching the prerogatiue of them both which are most worthy to bee rightlye resident and haue seison in frank tenement here in Englande and we doe find Clothbreeches is by many hundred yeares more antient euer since Brute and inhabitant in this Iland one that hath ben in Diebús illis a companion to kings an equall with the nobilitie a friende to gentlemen and yeomen and a patron of the poore a true subiect a good housekeper and generall as honest as he is auntient Whereas Veluet bréeches is an vpstart come out of Italy begot of Pride nursed vp by selfe-loue and brought into this countrie by his companion new fanglenesse that he is but of late time a raiser of rents and an enemie in the commonwelth and one that is not any way to be preferd in equitie before Clothbreeches therefore by generall verdict wee adiudge Clothbreeches to haue done him no wrong but that he hath lawfully claimd his title of frank tenement and in that we appoint him for euer to be resident At this verdict pronounst by the knight all the standers by clapt their hands and gaue a mighty shout whereat I started and awaked for I was in a dreame and in my bed and so rose vp and writ in a merrie vaine what you haue heard FINIS Daffadil for dotrels that are gelous Fennel womens weed Time for wise men if they would Lord Tiptost a proud insolent Earle raised by Edwar. 4. Thrift the herb that al men seeke after Old churles prouide oftentimes for vnthrifty children Yong nouices cou●t●●●s and vpsta●●s scorn th●●●t Whores cōsume mens th●●●t Lawiers get all Poets nothing Pesants hūt for profit Men should be faithfull womē courteous Virginitie lost is incurable The more is the pitie Souldiors Scholers Gentlemen The true bad●e of a iustice Yet this posie cannot make a man rich Al this was gentlemens cast apparel 1. Officer 2. Sumner 3. Gaoler 4. Informer Such a Richard by S. Harry looke to it for all the Poets in England wil haue a blow at your breech for calling thē poperlye make plaies and will if you reconcile not your selfe bring your worship on the stage