a gentlewomans closet which locks vp euerie toye and trifle or some bragging Mounte-banke that makes euerie stinking thing a secret He deliuers you common matters with great coniuration of silence and whispers you in the eare Acts of Parliament You may as soone wrest a tooth from him as a paper and whatsoeuer he reads is letters He dares not talke of great men for feare of bad Comments and he knowes not how his words may bee misapplyed Aske his opinion and he tels you his doubt and hee neuer heares any thing more astonishtly then what he knowes before His words are like the Cards at Primiuiste where 6. is 18. and 7. 21. for they neuer signifie what they sound but if he tell you he wil do a thing it is as much as if hee swore he would not He is one indeed that takes all men to be craftier then they are and puts himselfe to a great deale of affliction to hinder their plots and designes where they meane freely Hee ha's beene long a riddle himselfe but at last finds Oedipusses for his ouer-acted dissimulation discouers him and men doe with him as they would with Hebrew letters spell him backwards and read him 15. A Sharke IS one whome all other meanes haue fayl'd and hee now liues of himselfe He is some needy casheir'd fellow whom the World has oft flung off yet still claspes againe and is like one a drowning fastens vpon any thing that 's next at hand amongst other of his Shipwrackes hee has happyly lost shame and this want supplies him No man puts his Braine to more vse then hee for his life is a dayly inuention and each meale a new stratagem Hee has an excellent memorie for his acquaintance though there past but how doe you betwixt them seuen yeeres agoe it shall suffice for an Imbrace and that for money He offers you a Pottle of Sacke out of his ioy to see you and in requitall of this courtesie you can doe no lesse then pay for it He is fumbling with his purse-strings as a Schoole-boy with his points when hee is going to bee Whipt till the Master wearie with long Stay forgiues him When the reckoning is payd he sayes it must not bee so it is strait pacified and cryes what remedie His borrowings are like Subsidies each man a shilling or two as he can well dispend which they lend him not with the hope to be repayd but that he will come no more He holds a strange tyranny ouer men for he is their debtor and they feare him as a creditor He is proud of any imployment though it bee but to carry commendations which he will be sure to deliuer at eleuen of the clocke They in curtesie bid him stay he in manners cannot deny them If he find but a good looke to assure his welcom he becomes their halfe boorder and haunts the threshhold so long till he forces good natures to the necessity of a quarrell Publique iuuitations hee will not wrong with his absence and is the best witnesse of the Sheriffes Hospitality Men shun him at length as they would doe an infection and he is neuer crost in his way if there be but a lane to escape him He ha's done with the Age as his clothes to him hung on as long as he could and at last drops off 16. A Carrier IS his own Hackneyman for hee lets himselfe out to trauel as well as his horses Hee is the ordinarie Embassadour betweene Friend and Friend and brings rich Presents to the one but neuer returnes any backe againe He is no vnletter'd man though in shew simple for questionlesse hee has much in his Budget which hee can vtter too in fit time and place He is the Vault in Gloster Church that conueyes Whispers at a distance for hee takes the sound out of your mouth at Yorke and makes it bee heard as farre as London Hee is the young Students ioy and expectation and their most accepted guest to whom they lend a willing hand to discharge him of his burthen His first greeting is Your Friends are well then in a piece of Gold deliuers their Blessiâ—g You would thinke him a Churlish blunt fellow but they find in him many tokens of humanitie He is a great afflicter of the High-way and beates them out of mesure which iniury is somtimes reuengd by the Purse-taker then the Voyage miscaries No mandomineers more in his Inne nor cals his Host vnreuerently with more presumption and this arrogance proceeds out of the strength of his Horses He forgets not his load where he takes his ease for he is drunke commonly before he goes to bed He is like the Prodigall Child still packing away and still returning againe But let him passe 17. An old Colledge Butler IS none of the worst Students in the house for he keeps the set houres at his booke more duly then any His authority is great ouer mens good names which hee charges many times with shrewd aspersions which they hardly wipe off without payment His Boxe and Counters proue him to bee a man of reckoning yet he is stricter in his accounts then a Vsurer and deliuers not a farthing without writing He doubles the pains of Gallobelgicus for his bookes goe out once a quarter and they are much in the same nature briefe notes and summes of affaires and are out of request as soone His commings in are like a Taylors from the shreds of bread the chippings and remnants of the broken crust excepting his vailes from the barrell which poore folkes buy for their hogs but drinke themselues He diuides a halfe-peny loafe with more subtilty then Kekerman and sub-diuides the a primo ortum so nicely that a stomacke of great capacity can hardly apprehend it Hee is a very sober man considering his manifold temptations of drinke and strangers and if hee be ouer-seene t is within his owne liberties and no man ought to take exceptions He is neuer so well pleas'd with his place as when a Gentleman is beholding to him for shewing him the Buttery whom hee greets with a cup of single beere and slyst manchet and tels him t is the fashion of the Colledge Hee domineers ouer Fresh-men when they first come to the Hatch and puzzles them with strange language of Cues and Cees and some broken Latine which he ha's learnt at his Bin. His faculties extraordinary is the warming of a paire of Cards and telling out a doozen of Counters for Post and Paire and no man is more methodicall in these businesses Thus hee spends his age till the â—appe of it is runne out and then a fresh one is set abroach 18. An vp-start Countrey Knight HIs honour was somewhat preposterous for hee bare the Kings sword before he had armes to wield it yet being once laid ore the shoulder with a Knighthood he finds the Herauld his friend His father was a man of good stocke though but a Tanner or Vsurer hee purchast the Land and his son
are not perswaded with reason shall authorize his doubt In summe his whole life is a question and his saluation a greater which death onely concludes and then he is resolu'd 47. A Partiall Man IS the opposite extreame to a Defamer for the one speakes ill falsly and the other well and both slander the Truth He is one that is still weighing men in the Scale of Comparisons and puts his affection in the one ballance and that swayes His friend alwayes shall doe best and you shall rarely heare good of his enemy Hee considers first the man and then the thing and restraines all merit to what they deserue of him Commendations hee esteemes not the debt of Worth but the requitall of kindnesse and if you aske his reason shewes his Interest and tels you how much he is beholding to that Man Hee is one that ties his iudgement to the Wheele of Fortune and they determine giddily both alike He preferres England before other Countries because he was borne there and Oxford before other Vniuersities because hee was brought vp there and the best Scholler there is one of his owne Colledge and the best Schooler there is one of his friends Hee is a great fauourer of great persons and his argument is still that which should bee Antecedent as he is in high place therefore vertuous he is prefer'd therefore worthy Neuer aske his opinion for you shall heare but his faction and he is indifferent in nothing but Conscience Men esteeme him for this a zealous affectionate but they mistake him many times for hee does it but to bee esteemed so Of all men hee is worst to write an Historie for hee will praise a Seianus or Tiberius and for some pettie respect of his all posteritie shall bee cosen'd 50. A Trumpeter IS the Elephant with the great Trunke for hee eates nothing but what comes through this way His Profession is not so worthy as to occasion insolence and yet no man so much puft vp His face is as Brazen as his Trumpet and which is worse as a Fidlers from whom hee differeth onely in this that his impudence is dearer The Sea of Drinke and much wind make a Storme perpetually in his Cheeks and his looke is like his noyse blustering and tempestuous Hee wa's whilome the sound of Warre but now of Peace yet as terrible as euer for wheresoere hee comes they are sure to pay for 't He is the common attendant of glittering folkes whether in the Court or Stage where he is alwaies the Prologues Prologue He is somewhat in the nature of a Hogshed shrillest when he is empty when his belly is full hee is quiet enough No man proues life more to bee a blast or himselfe a bubble and he is like a counterfeit Bankrupt thriues best when he is blowne vp 50. A vulgar-spirited Man IS one of the heard of World One that followes meerely the common crye and makes it louder by one A man that loues none but who are publikely affected and he will not be wiser then the rest of the Towne That neuer ownes a friend after an ill name or some generall imputation though he knowes it most vnworthy That opposes to reason Thus men say and thus most doe and thus the world goes and thinkes this enough to poyse the other That worships men in place and those onely and thinkes all a great man speakes Oracles Much taken with my Lords Iâ—st and repeats you it all to a sillable One that iustifies nothing out of fashion nor any opinion out of the applauded way That thinkes certainly all Spaniards and Iesuites very villaines and is still cursing the Pope and Spynola One that thinkes the grauest Cassocke the best Scholler and the best Clothes the finest man That is taken onely with broad and obscoene wit and hisses any thing too deepe for him That cries Chaucer for his Money aboue all our English Poets because the voice ha's gone so and hee ha's read none That is much rauisht with such a Noble-mans courtesie and would venture his life for him because he put off his Hat One that is formost still to kisse the Kings hand and cries God blesse his Maiestie loudest That rayles on all men condemn'd and out of fauour and the first that sayes away with the Traytors yet struck with much ruth at Executions and for pittie to see a man die could kill the Hang-man That comes to London to see it and the pretty things in it and the chiefe cause of his iourney the Beares That measures the happinesse of the Kingdome by the cheapnesse of corne and conceiues no harme of State but il trading Within this compasse too come those that are too much wedg'd into the world and haue no lifting thoughts aboue those things that call to thriue to doe well and Preferment onely the grace of God That ayme all Studies at this marke shew you poore Schollers as an example to take heed by That thinke the Prison and want a Iudgement for some sin and neuer like well hereafter of a Iayle-bird That know no other Content but wealth brauery and the Towne-Pleasures that thinke all else but idle speculation and the Philosophers mad-men In short men that are carried away with all outwardnesses shews appearances the streame the people for there is no man of worth but has a piece of singularity and scornes something 32. A Herald IS the spawne or indeed but the resultancie of Nobility and to the making of him went not a Generation but a Genealogie His Trade is Honour and hee sells it and giues Armes himselfe though hee be no Gentleman His bribes are like those of a corrupt Iudge for they are the prices of blood He seemes very rich in discourse for he tels you of whole fields of gold and siluer Or Argent worth much in French but in English nothing He is a great diuer in the streames or issues of Gentrie and not a by-Channell of bastard escapes him yet he dos with them like some shamelesse Queane fathers more children on them then euer they begot His Trafficks is a kind of Pedlery ware Scutchions and Pennons and little Daggers and Lyons such as Children esteeme and Gentlemen but his peni-worths are rampant for you may buy three whole Brawns cheaper then three Boars heads of him painted Hee was somtimes the terrible Coat of Mars but is now for more mercifull Battels in the Tilt-yard where whosoeuer is victorious the spoiles are his Hee is an Art in England but in Wales Nature where they are borne with Heraldry in their mouthes and each Name is a Pedegree 52. A Plodding Student IS a kind of Alchymist or Persecurer of Nature that would change the dull lead of his Brain into finer mettle with successe many times as vnprosperous or at least not quitting the cost to wit of his owne Oyle and Candles He ha's a strange forc't appetite to Learning and to atchieue it brings nothing but patience and a body His Studie
the Title He ha's doâ—t off the name of a Clowne but the looke not so easie and his face beares still a relish of Churne-milke Hee is garded with more gold lace then all the Gentlemen o' th Country yet his body makes his clothes stil out of fashion His house-keeping is seene much in the distinct families of Dogges and Seruing-men attendant on their kennels and the deepenesse of their throats is the depth of his discourse A Hauke he esteemes the true burthen of Nobility and is exceeding ambitious to seeme delighted in the sport and haue his fist glou'd with his Iesses A Iustice of peace hee is to domineere in his Parish and doe his neighbour wrong with more right And very scandalous he is in his authority for no sinne almost which hee will not commit Hee will be drunke with his hunters for company and staine his Gentility with droppings of Ale He is fearfull of being Sheriffe of the Shire by instinct and dreads the Size-weeeke as much as the Prisoner In summe he is but a clod of his owne earth or his Land is the Dunghill and he the Cocke that crowes ouer it And commonly his race is quickly runne and his Childrens Children though they scape hanging returne to the place from whence they came 19. A Gallant IS one that was born and shapt for his cloathes and if Adam had not falne had liu'd to no purpose Hee gratulates therefore the first sinne and fig-leaues that were an occasion of brauery His first care is his dresse the nexâ— his bodie and in the vniting of these two lies his soule and its faculties He obserues London trulier then the Termers and his businesse is the street the Stage the Court and those places where a proper man is best showne If hee be qualified in gaming extraordinary he is so much the more gentile and compleate and hee learnes the best oathes for the purpose These are a great part of his discourse he is as curious in their newnesse as the fashion His other talke is Ladies and such pretty things or some iest at a Play His Pick-tooth beares a great part in his discourse so does his body the vpper parts whereof are as starcht as his linnen and perchance vse the same Laundresse Hee has learnt to ruffle his face from his Boote and takes great delight in his walke to heare his Spurs gingle Though his life passe somewhat slidingly yet he seemes very carefull of the time for hee is still drawing his Watch out of his Poket and spends part of his houres in numbring them He is one neuer serious but with his Taylor when hee is in conspiracie for the next deuice He is furnisht his Iests as some wanderer with Sermons some three for all Congregations one especially against the Scholler a man to him much ridiculous whome hee knowes by no other definition but a silly fellow in blacke He is a kind of walking Mercers Shop and shewes you one Stuffe to day and another tomorrow an ornament to the roomes he comes in as the faire Bed and Hangings be and is meerely ratable accordingly fiftie or an hundred Pound as his suit is His maine ambition is to get a Knight-hood and then an olde Ladie which if he be happy in he fils the Stage and a Coach so much longer Otherwise himselfe and his Cloathes grow stale together and he is buried commonly ere hee dies in the Gaole or the Country 20. A Constable IS a Vice-roy in the street and no man stands more vpon 't that he is the Kings Officer His iurisdiction extends to the next stocks where he ha's Commission for the heeles onely and sets the rest of the body at liberty Hee is a scar-crow to that Alehouse where he drinkes not his mornings draught and apprehends a Drunkard for not standing in the Kings name Beggers feare him more then the Iustice and as much as the Whip-stocke whom hee deliuers ouer to his subordinate Magistrates the Bride-wel-man and the Beadle Hee is a great stickler in the tumults of double Iugges and venters his head by his Place which is broke many times to keep whole the peace He is neuer so much in his Maiesty as in his Night-watch where hee sits in his Chayre of State a Shop-stall and inuiron'd with a guard of Halberts examines all passengers He is a very carefull man in his Office but if hee stay vp after midnight you shall take him napping 21. A downe right Sholler IS one that has much learning in the Ore vnwrought and vntryde which time and experience fashions and refines He is good mettall in the inside though rough vnscour'd without and therefore hated of the Courtier that is quite contrarie The time has got a veine of making him ridiculous and men laugh at him by tradition and no vnluckie absurdity but is put vpon his profession and done like a Scholler But his fault is onely this that his mind is somewhat much taken vp with his mind and his thoughts not loaden with any carriage besides Hee has not put on the quaint Garbe of the Age which is now become a mans Totall He has not humbled his Meditations to the industrie of Complement not afflicted his braine in an elaborate legge His body is not set vpon nice Pinnes to bee turning and flexible for euery motion but his scrape is homely and his nod worse He cannot kisse his hand and cry Madame nor talke idly enough to beare her company His smacking of a Gentle-woman is somewhat too sauory and he mistakes her nose for her lippe A very Woodcock would puzzle him in caruing and hee wants the logicke of a Capon He has not the glib faculty of sliding ouer a tale but his words come squeamishly out of his mouth and the laughter commonly before the iest He names this word Colledge too often and his discourse beats too much on the Vniuersity The perplexity of mannerlinesse will not let him feed and he is sharpe set at an Argument when hee should cut his meate He is discarded for a gamester at all games but one and thirty and at tables he reaches not beyond doublets His fingers are not long and drawn out to handle a Fiddle but his fist is clunch't with the habite of disputing He ascends a Horse somwhat sinisterly though not on the left side and they both goe iogging in griefe together He is exceedingly censur'd by the Innes a Court men for that hainous Vice being out of fashion Hee cannot speake to a Dogge in his owne Dialect and vnderstands Greeke better then the language of a Falconer Hee has beene vsed to a darke roome and darke Clothes and his eyes dazzle at a Sattin Doublet The Hermitage of his Study has made him somwhat vncouth in the world and men make him worse by staring on him Thus is he silly and ridiculous and it continues with him for some quarter of a yeare out of the Vniuersitie But practise him a little in men and