men but were extremity vsed and the statute put in the highest degrée in practise you would haue as few eares on your heads as the collier Last to you Tom tapster that tap your small cannes of beare to the poore and yet fill them halfe full of froth that card your beare if you see your guests begin to be drunke halfe small and halfe strong you cannot bee content to pinch with your small pottes and your Ostrie faggots but you haue your trugges to draw men on to villanie and to bring customers to your house where you sell a ioint of meat for xii pence that cost you scarse six and if any chaunce to go on the skore you skore him when he is a sléepe and set vp a grote a daye more than he hath to find you drinking pots with your companions to be short thou art a knaue and I like not of any of the rest the way lies before you and therefore you maye be gone for you shall be none of the quest I smilde to see Clothbreeches so peremptory when I saw fiue fat fellowes all in damaske cotes and gowns welted with Veluet very braue and in great consultation as if they were to determine of some waighty matter drawing neere I sawe they were welthy citizens so I went reuerently saluted them and told them how we needed their aid about the appeasing of a controuersie shewing them where the knighte esquier and other staid til we might find men to fil vp the iury they were contented but veluetbreeches excepted againste foure of them and sayd they wer none of his friends that was the marchant goldsmith mercer and draper his allegations were these that they were al feathered of one wing to fetch in yong gentlemen by commodities vnder the colour of lending of monie for the merchant he deliuered the yron tin lead hops sugars spices oiles browne paper or whatsoeuer else from six months to six mōths which when the pore gentleman came to sell againe he could not make thréescore and ten in the hundred beside the vsurie The mercer he followeth the yoong vpstart gentleman that hath no gouernement of himselfe and he feedeth his humor to go braue hée shall not want silkes sattins veluets to prank◠abroade in his pomp but with this prouiso that he must bind ouer his land in a statute marchant or staple and so at last forfeit al vnto the mercilesse mercer and leaue himselfe neuer a foot of ground in England which is the reason that for a fewe remnaunts of veluets and silkes the Mercer créepeth into whole lordships The Goldsmith is not behinde for most of them deale with Vsurie and let yoong gentlemen haue commodities of plate for ten in the hundred but they must loose the fasion in selling it agayne which cuts them sore beside they are most of them skild in alcumie and can temper mettals shrewdly with no little profite to themselues and disaduauntage to the buier beside puffe ringes and quaint conceits which I omit And so for you Draper hée fetcheth them off for liuery cloth and cloth for six months and six and yet hath he more knacks in his budget for hee hath so darke a shop that no man can well choose a peece of cloth it so shadowes the die and the thread a man shall bee deceiued in the wooll and the nappe they cause the Clothworker so to presse them besides he imposeth this charge to the Clothworker that he draw his cloth and pull it passing hard when he sets it vpon the tenters that he maye haue it full breadth and length till thread and all teare and rent a péeces what care they for that haue they not a drawer to serue their turne to drawe and seame vp the holes so cunningly that it shall neuer be espied my selfe haue seene in one broad cloth eightéene score holes torne rackt and pulde by the Clothworker only to please the draper and deceyue the commonwealth To be short the Clothworker what with rowing and setting in a fine nap with powdering it pressing it with shering the wooll to the proofe of the thread deale so cunningly that they proue themselues the drapers minister to execute his subtilties therefore if he chaunce to come let him be remembred Now sir for the vintner hée is an honest substantiall man a friend to al good fellowes and truly my friend for my mony and worthy to be of the iurie Why no qd clothbreeches I am of another mind for I hold him as deceitfull as any of the rest what the vintner why he is a kind of Negromancer for at midnight when al men are in bed then he forsooth fals to his charmes and spels so that he tumbles one hogshead into another and can make a cup of claret that hath lost his colour looke high with a dash of red wine at his pleasure if hee hath a strong Gascoigne wine for feare it should make his guests to soone drunke hee can allaye it with a small Rochell wine hee can cherish vp white wine with sacke and perhaps if you bidde him wash the pot cleane when he goes to draw you a quart of wine he will leaue a litle water in the bottome and then draw it vp full of wine and what and if he do t is no harm wine and water is good against the heate of the liuer It were infinite to rehearse the iugling of Vintners the disorder of their houses espetially of the persons that frequent them and therefore sith Veluetbreeches hath put by the merchant goldsmith mercer draper the vintner shal goe with thē for company As these were going away in a snuff for being thus plainly taunted wee might see a mad merrie crue come leping ouer the field as frolikly as if they ought not all the world two pence and drawing nearer we might perceiue that either bottle-ale or béere had made a fraye with them for the lifting of their féet shewed the lightnesse of their heads the formost was a plaine country sir Iohn or vickar that proclaimed by the rednes of his nose he did oftner go into the alehouse than the pulpit him I asked what they were and whether they were going what are you qd the priest that stand by the high way to examin me and my friends here 's none in my company but are able to answer for thēselues I séeing they were al set on a merry pin tolde him the cause how the controuersie grew betwixt Clothbréeches veluetbreeches that we needed them to be of the quest Mary qd sir Iohn a good motion know the sealare my parishioners and we haue bin drinking with a poore man and spending our monie with him a neighbor of ours that hath lost a cow now for our names our trades this is a smith the second a weauer the third a millar the fourth a cooke the fift a carpentar the sixt a glouer the vij a pedlar the eight a tinkar the ix a waterbearer the
nor fauour aduanceth be men of great worth such as are thought of worship and vnwillingly entertaine hir◠rather vouchsafing profered honor for their countries cause then for anie proud opinion of hoped for preferment Blessed are such lands whose officers are so placed and where the Prince promoteth not for coine or countenance but for his worthy deseruing vertues But leauing this by-talke methought I heard you say Signior veluetbreeche that you were the father of mechanical Artes and handie-crafts were found out to foster your brauery In faith good man goosecap you that are come from the startvps therefore is called an vpstart quasi start vp from clowted shoone your lips hoong in your light when you brought forth this Lodgike for I hope there is none so simple but knowes that handicraftes and occupation grewe for necessity not pride that mens inuentions waxed sharpe to profite the common wealth not to pranke vp themselues in brauerye I pray you when Tubalcane inuented tempring of mettals had he veluet bréeches to weare In sadnesse where was your worship when his brother found out the accordes and discords of Musicke hidden in hell and not yet thought on by the Deuill to cast forth as a baite to bring many proud fooles to ruine Indéed I cannot deny but your worship hath brought in deceipt as a iourneyman into al companies and made that a subtill craft which while I was holden in estéeme was but a simple mysterie now euery trade hath his sleightes to slubber vppe his worke to the eie and to make it good to the sale howsoeuer it prooues in the wearing The shoomaker cares not if his shooes hold the drawing on the tailor sowes with hot needle and burnt thred Tushe pride hath banisht conscience and veluet bréeches honestie and euery seruile drudge must ruffle in his silkes or else hee is not suteable The worlde was not so A principio for when veluet was worne but in kings caps then conscience was not a broome man in Kent stréet but a Courtier then the farmer was content his sonne should hold the plough and liue as he had doone before Beggars then feared to aspire and the higher sortes scornd to enuie Now euery lowt must haue his sonne a Courtnoll and those dunghill drudges waxe so proud that they will presume to weare on their feet what kings haue worne on their heads A clownes sonne must be clapt in a veluet pantophle and a veluet bréech though the presumptuous asse be drownd in the Mercers booke and make a conuey of al his lands to the vsurer for commodities yea the fop must goe like a gallant for a while although at last in his age he beg But indéede such yoong youths when the Broker hath blest them with saint Needams crosse fall then to priuy lifts cosenages and when their credit is vtterly crackt they practise some bad shifte and so come to a shamefull ende Lastly whereas thou saist thou art a seuere sensour to punish sinnes as austere as Cato to correct vice of truth I hold thée so in penall statutes when thou hast begged the forfeit of the Prince but such correction is open extortion and oppression of the poore nor can I compare it better M. veluet breech then to the Wolfe chastising the lambe for disturbing their fountaine or the Deuill casting out Deuils through the power of Belsebub and thus much curteous sir I haue said to displaie the follies of mine aduersary and to shew the right of mine owne interest Whye then quoth I if you haue both said it resteth but that we hadde some to empanell vpon a Iurie and then no doubt but the verdict would soone be giuen on one side As thus I was talking to them I might sée comming downe the hill a braue dapper Dicke quaintly attired in veluet and Sattin and a cloke of cloth rash with a Cambricke ruffe as smoothlie set and he as neatly spunged as if he had béene a bridegroome only I gest by his pace a farre off he shoulde bee a Tailor his head was holden vppe so pert and his legges shackle hamd as if his knees had béene laced to his thighes with points Comming more neere indeed I spied a Tailors morrice pike on his brest a spanish néedle and then I fitted my salutations not to his sutes but to his trade and incountred him by a thred bare courtesie as if I had not knowne him and asked him of what occupation he was A Tailor quoth he marry then my friende quoth I you are the more welcome for héere is a great quarrell growne betwixt veluet bréeches and cloth bréeches for their prerogatiue in England the matter is growne to an issue there must a Iury bee empanelled and I would desire and intreat you to be one of the quest Not so quoth Cloth breeches I chalenge him And why quoth I What reason haue you dooth he not make them both yes quoth he but his gaines is not alike alas by me he getteth small only he is paide for his workmanship vnlesse by misfortune his shieres slippe awrye and then his vales is but a shred of homespunne cloth Whereas in making of veluet bréeches where there is required silke lace cloth of gold of siluer and such costly stuffe to welt gard whip stitch edge face and draw out that the vales of one veluet bréech is more then twenty paire of mine I hope there is no Taylor so precise but he can play the cooke and licke his owne fingers though he looke vp to Heauen yet he can cast large shreds of such rich stuffe into hell vnder his shoppe boord Beside he sets downe like the clarke of the Checke a large bill of reckonings which for he kéepes long in his pocket he so powders for stincking that the yoonge vpstart that néedes it feeles it salt in his stomach a month after Besides sir veluet breeches hath aduanst him for whereas in my time he was counted but goodman Tailor now he is growne since veluet bréeches came in to be called a marchant or Gentleman Marchant Tailor giuing armes and the holye Lambe in his creast where before he had no other cognisance but a plaine Spanish néedle with a welsh cricket on the toppe sith then his gaines are so great and his honours so aduanst by veluet bréeches I will not trust his conscience nor shall hee come vpon my Iury. Indéed you haue some reason quoth I but perhaps the Tailor doth this vpon meere deuotion to punish pride and hauing no other authoritie nor meanes thinkes it beste to pinch them by the pursse and make them paye well as to aske twise so much silke lace and other stuffe as would suffice and yet to ouerreach my yoong maister with a bill of reckoning that will make him scratch where it itcheth not Heerein I hold the Tailor for a necessary member to teach proud nouices the way to wéeping crosse that when they haue wasted what their fathers left them by prid they may grow
slipt at the first Well Peter quoth he it cannot be recald the first wish must stand and heereof by saint Peters boone it grew that all of the Gentle craft are such good fellowes spendthriftes But howsoeuer none of those thrée neyther shoomaker Tanner nor Currier shall be accepted to be of the Iury. As they went away with fleas in their eares beeing thus taunted by Cloth bréeches we might see where there came a troupe of antient Gentlemen with their seruingemen attending vpon them The foremost was a great old man with a white bearde all in russet and a faire blacke cloke on his backe and attending on him hee had some fiue men there cognisance as I remember was a Peacocke without a tayle the other two that accompanied him seemed meaner then himselfe But yet Gentlemen of good worship Wherevppon I went towards them and saluted them and was so bould as to question what they were and of their businesse The most antientest answered hee was a Knight and those two his neighbours the one an Esquire the other a Gentleman and that they haue no vrgent affaires but only to walke abroad to take the fresh ayre Then did I shew them both Cloth breeches and Veluet breeches and tolde them the controuersie and desired their ayde to be vpon the Iurie They smiling answered They were content and so did Cloth breeches seeme to reioice that suche honest antient English Gentlemen should be tryers of his Tytle But Veluet breeches storming stept in and made challeng to them all I demanded the reason why he shoulde refuse Gentlemen of so good calling And he made me this aunswere Why you may gesse the inward mind by the outward apparel and see how he is adicted by the homly robes he is suted in Why this knight is mortal enimy to pride so to me he regardeth hospitality and aimeth at honor with releeuing the poore you may see although his landes and reuenewes be great and he able to maintaine himselfe in great brauerie yet he is content with homespun cloth and scorneth the pride that is vsed nowadaies amongest yoong vpstartes he houldeth not the worth of his Gentrie to bee and consist in Veluet breeches but valeweth true fame by the report of the common sort whoe praise him for his vertue Iustice liberality housekeeping and almesdeedes Vox populi vox dei his tennants and Farmers woulde if it might be possible make him immortall with their prayers and praises He raiseth no rent racketh no landes taketh no incumbs imposeth no mercilesse fines enuies not an other buyeth no house ouer his neighbours head but respecteth his country and the commodity thereof as deere as his life He regardeth more to haue the needy fedde to haue his boorde garnished with full platters then to famous himselfe with excessiue furniture in apparell Since then he scorneth pride he must of force proclaime himselfe mine enimie and therefore he shall be none of my Iurie and such as himselfe I gesse the Squire and the gentleman and therefore I challenge them al thrée Why quoth I this is strange that a man should be drawne from a quest for his godlinesse If men for vertue be challenged whome shall we haue vppon the Iury Your obiection helpes not maister Veluet bréeches For if he be a man of so godlye a disposition he will neither speake for feare or fauour hee will regard neither the riches of the one nor the plaine pouertie of the other Wherevpon sith you haue made mee trier I allowe them all thrée to bee of the Iurie and so I requested them to sit downe till our Iury was full which they courteously did although veluet bréeches frouned at it When I looking for more saw where there came a troope of men in apparell séeming poore honest Citizens in all they were eight I demaunded of them what they were and whither they were going One of them that séemed the welthiest who was in a furred Iacket made answere that they were all friends going to the burial of a neighbor of theirs that yester night died and if would doo mee anye pleasure to heare their names they were not so daintie but that they would tell them and so then he began to tell mee that by his Art he was a Skinner the second said hee was a Ioyner the thirde was a Sadler the fourth a waterman the fifte was a Cutler the sixt was a Bellows mender the seuenth a plaisterer and the eight a Printer In good time quoth I it is commendable when neighbours loue so well together but if your spéed be not ouermuch I must request you to be of a iurie so I discourst vnto them the controuersie betwéen Clothbréeches and Veluetbréeches and to what issue it must grow by a verdict they séemed all content and I turned to the plaintiffe and defendant and asked if they would make challenge to any of these I skorne qd Veluetbréeches to make any great obiection agaynst them sith they be mecanical men and I almost hold them indifferent for this I know they get as much and more by me than by him the skinner I vse for furres whereas this base clothbréeches hath scarse a gowne faced once in his life the sadler for costly imbroidered saddles the ioyner for séeling my house the cutler for gylt rapyers the waterman I vse continually ten times for his once and so likewise the plaisterer for the bellowsmender alas poore snake I knowe him not for the Printer by our Lady I think I am some tenne pounds in his debt for bookes so that for my part let them all passe And for me to qd Clothbréeches but yet a little to put them in remembrance of their folies let me haue about with them all and first with you maisser skinner to whom I can say little but only this that whereas you should only put the backs of skins into facing you taw the wombs and so deceiue the buier beside if you haue some fantastike skin brought you not woorth two pence with some strange spots though it be of a libbet you will sweare t is a most pretious skin and came from Musco or the furthest parts of Calabria The Sadler he stuffes his pannels with straw or hay and ouerglaseth them with haire and makes the lether of them of morts or tand shéeps skinnes The ioyner though an honest man yet he maketh his ioynts weake and putteth in sappe in the morteses which should be the hart of the trée and all to make his stuffe slender And you cutler you are patron of ruffions and swashbucklers and wil sel them a blade that may be thrust into a bushell but if a poore man that cannot skill of it you sell him a swoorde or rapier newe ouerglased and sweare the blade came either from Turkie or Toledo Now maister Waterman you will say there is no subtiltie in you for there is none so simple but that knowes your fares and what is due betwéene Greenwiche and London and