see you do all under colour said the Glazier to the Painter seeing him daubing some Rails Go your wayes for a Rogue replied he you 'l never leave picking quarrels 179. Three great Masters of their Trade a Vaulter a Barber and a Fencer contended together who was the best experienced in his Art The Vaulter leapâ— and sate a Stag in his full course the Barber shaved a Goat running the Fencer in a rainy day so brandished his Sword over his head that no drop of rain fell upon him Let him judge which was the best that believes the Story 180. A Fool that ow'd a Carpenter a shrewd good turn finding him one day in a sleep upon a Form took the Axe and cut off his head then cama into the House laughing whereof when he was asked the reason It is said he to think how the Carpenter will look for his head wheâ— he wakes 181. Two Fools lying together a great dispute arose Who should lie in the middle of those two and could not be ended till one more wise laid a Broom-staff between them 182. A Maid accused a youth for ravishing her before the Justice This is a great â—rime said he indeed and did he never â—â—e with you before If he did then â—ses if it please you Sir said she at least six or seven times 183. Some merry Companions talking of what rare pieces of Clockwork they had seen one said he had seen something far stranger which was a Merchanick that pull'd out of his Pocket three little Cocks one he call'd a French the other a Dutch the third an English one then taking the French one he struck him over the head this made the French Cock cry out Parley veu Francois Monsieur The Dutch Cock being struck in like manner cry'd Give me a little English Beer Here he ended his Story whereupon the Company and one especially was very desirous to know what the English Cock said Why replied he it cry'd Put your Nose here pointing to his Breech Put your Nose here 184. A Physician being to examine a Lad asked him Why sick Persons were said to be Patients Because said he they suffer so much by the Physitian 185. One said to his Friend Sir you are as wise as Solomon The other replied And you are as wise as Socrates Why Socrates Because said he Sciebat tantum se nihil scire 186. One told his Lady of Pleasure she was very fruitful How can that be Sir said she since I never had any children That 's nothing Madam said he nevertheless you bear many 187. Two Gentlemen a tall and a short one woed the same Lady and her Friends liking both resolved to put it to her choice which she would have Then viewing both well and comparing their proportions with her desires seeing one short the other tall and lusty I will said she have the long one if all things are proportionable 188. One said A Covetous Man was never satisfied Why so said his Friend Because replied he he thinks nothing enough Why then said the other he is satisfied with least if nothing be enough for him 189. One told his Wife there was a Law coming out That all Cuckolds should be drowned O pray Husband said she then learn to swim 190. One called another Bastard that was so indeed therefore wittily he answered Children and Fools tell truth 191. A Gentlewoman and her Maid being to â—et up some Cloaths against Christmass day had so delayed the time to the very live that she her self her Maid and a hired Washerwoman were all little enough to dispatch them On the Eve therefore betimes in the morning they â—ell to work and at Breakfast Here says the Mistriss to her Maid fetch a Quart of Ale Why Mistriss if you please said the Washerwoman I will jâ—yn my penny and we may have three pints And I will joyn mine too if you please said the Maid and we will have two Quarts Well then said the Mistriss bring three Quarts we shall work the better so there 's my Groat Then fell these three jolly Washerwomen to tost it and tipple it so long till it lay raw upon their Stomachs forsooth and then it came in the Maids head that a little Brandy would do very well to take away that rawness and therefore offered her penny towards it the hired Woman was right and offered hers And here 's my two pence said the Mistriss Oh said the Maid here is a penny too much what shall we do Why you and I said the Washerman will put our pence a pittâ— more and we may have half a pint This they fell to the Brandy and at last truly the Mistriss found her self very sleepy and would needs go lie on the Bed to take a little nap to refresh her self the Maid something drowsie followed after and the poor Woman in the Kitchin taking the advantage stretcht her self out by the fire Thus they lay fast till next morning when the Maid awaking rose and found the Woman sleeping in the Kitchin and the fire out then running to her Neighbours to light some Charcoal to kindle the fire least her Mistriss should be angry she found there the Roast Beef on the Spit and great preparations for â—omething extraordinary So she asked the Maid who dined with them that day that they made such great provision Why said she 't is Christmass-day The Maid astonished ran to acquaint her Mistriss yet could scarce perswade her of the truth till the Bell toled to Church and took away their doubting 192. At a Feast where many Citizens and their Wives were met the chief of their discourse being about Cuckolds one asked the reason why the men wore the horns when the women onely were in fault That is said another because the man is the head and where would you have the horns grow else 193. A Countrey Schoolmaster read inga Lesson to his Boys concerning the Vertues in Moral Philosophy gave them this general Rule to know Virtues from Vices That Virtues consisted in the middle and Vices were extreams The next day when he examined he bid one of his Scholars give an example and the Boy instanced in Virginity Why Sirrah said he who told you Virginity was a Vertue You did Sir you said that all Vertues consisted in the middle and so doth Virginity 194. A conceited person would fain know of his friend what others thought of him Why reply'd he you appear to the wise foolish to fools wise what think you of your self 195. A Gentleman that had many Children was saying one day to his friend That his Wife was more fertil than his Land That may well be said he for if you are a weary or won't take pains to make her so others will 196. When one talking of Sir Francis Drake's good success related how often he came home in safety from several long Voyages Truly 't is strange said another in all that time he ne'r was duckt 197. One following his
he should burst with laughter The other at Oxford where one VVake acted so bad that the King slept the best part of the Play His Majesty was pleased to say of them both that as in Cambridge Sleep made him wake so in Oxford VVake onely made him sleep 80. A poor Boy knowing what esteem Learning had in the World begg'd under colour of being a poor Scholar a Gentleman passing by took pity on him and asked him in Latine what his Friends were whether they were alive and the like but still he cries in the same tongue Pray Sir pity a poor Scholar VVhy you Rascal quoth the Gentleman do you say you are a Scholar and you understand not one word of Latine 'T is true said the Boy I understand no Latine and scarce can read English and that is the reason I desire you to give something to a very poor Scholar 81. VVere I a Prince says a Countrey Boy VVhy what then answered hiâ— Companion Oh then I would eat my Belly full of Bacon and swing upon a Gate aâ—â— day long 82. Walking through the City in a greaâ— throng a Person of Quality accidentallâ— lost his Watch out of his Pocket of whicâ— he complained to his Friend Alas Sir said the other who can help it time wiâ—â— away 83. A learned Gentlewoman put two Questions to a young Scholar the first was Why the Infinitive was next to the Optative of which he said Because wâ— never makâ— an end of desiring Secondly when he had answered her so well she bid him repeat to her a little of his Grammar whereupon he wittily began at Propria quae maribus 84. A witty Tavern Boy in the Spring time threw some dirt out aceidentally upon a Bald-headed Gentleman who being much incensed thereat demanded the reason Because Sir said he since now the New year is begun the Fields grow green the Trees and Plants flourish and all things look fresh and fair I thought your Head was too backward and wanted dunging 85. A learned Gentleman disputing concerning death said It was all one to live or to die Why do you not die then said another Because replied he it is all one 86. 'T was the humor of a witty person and a great Jester to a Nobleman to cry in fair weather and to laugh in foul This seemed contrary to reason and his Lord asked him wherefore he did so Why when it is fair weather said he I can expect nothing but that every minute foul should come that makes me cry In foul weather I alwayes expect that the sky should clear that makes me laugh 87. A vertuous Gentleman being asked by a Knave what was Piety What is that to you said he meddle with those things that concern you 88. A grave Citizen in London though not so wise as he should be talking with some of his Neighbours concerning his Shop he had then newly rebuilt after the fire Truly said he I think I have contrived in to the best advantage for it hath the Morning Sun all day long in it 89. 'T was at first when the Fashion of white Freeze came up amongst the Gentlemen especially for Riding Suits that a Wise-acre considering that it was then most in fashion a lasting and serviceable Garment asked If there were no black of that colour for he had a great mind to have a Coat made of it 90. A proud Londoner travelling to Goatam and meeting a poor fellow coming from thence thinking to shew his wit said Well met Fool of Goatam how far to the place of thy nativity True it is said the poor man my Countrey is a shame to me but you proud Londoner are a shame to your Countrey 91. Two men meeting in the street and quarrelling it came so far at last that one gave the other a kick in the breech The people much admired the others patience inviting him to revenge that injury What says he if an Ass kicks me must I go to law with him 92. The day proving very windy wherein one was to perform his journey who was scarce ever before farther than his Street his friends dissuaded him saying The wind would be very troublesome to him Oh let me alone said he I will ride out of the wind 93. One being demanded Why learned men frequented rich mens Pallaces but rich seldome visited the learned answered That the first knew what they wanted the later did not 94. One exclaiming against another that ran away in his debt A Pox light on him said he I am sure I lent him Six and forty good shillings all in Half Crowns 95. An impudent Strumpet seeing a poor Countreyman receive Ten pounds seised on him and brought him before the Judge swearing he would have ravished her nay that he did insomuch that the poor man who never had to do with her notwithstanding all his innocence could not clear himself of the accusation and still she urged that he ought to marry her so the business was put to a publick Trial where at last I know not by what means it was concluded that the man should give her Ten pounds to clear the business The poor man after he had delivered her the money made such unfeigned protestations of his innocence that moved the Judge to pity and to believe that he was indeed wronged wherefore he said to the poor man Go run after her quickly and if thou canst get thy money from her thou shalt have it thus overtaking her he sets upon her but proves so weak in the matter that she beat him heavily within sight of all the people Then the Judge commanded her to be brought back and said Could this man ravish thee and thou are so able to resist him Give him his money and pay him all his charges and for your wickedness I shall command that you be well whipped 96. When Guineys were first coined they were very rare in the Countrey and happy was he that could see one one therefore that came from London more gallant than wise seeing the Countrey people so eager to see them Alas said he throwing down one or two these are so common at London that you cannot receive forty shillings but you shall have five or six whether you will or no. 97. One lighting a Candle and striving to stick it in a Candlestick it often fell out of the Socket at which he said in choller That he thought the Devil did possess the Candle Why do you wonder said his Companion if it cannot stand Do you not see that 't is light-headed 98. An ingenious person being asked the interpretation of an obscure Riddle said nothing which made the propounder so much the more desirous to hear his answer Pardon me for why should I said he lose that which as it is yields me so much trouble 99. A poor man willing to imbrace any honest imployment offered his service to a Gentleman at such a price Why I can buy a Fool said be mocking the poor mans condition
Master on foot and stroaking his Horses buttock the Horse kick'd him over the shins wherefore he took up a stone to throw at him but instead of hitting the Horse he hit his Master over the back This made his Master turn about and ask what was the matter Alas Sir said his man holding his Leg with his hand your Horse hath almost lamed me Well then replied his Master I must put him away for he kick'd me but just now also over the back and 't was God's mercy he did not dash out my brains 198. One said that such a pocky person was very ugly and wondred that any woman would be so mad as to accompany him Why so said another he is Ven-ustus enough 199. A man having been a long journey out of Town for the more speed of his business rid post home and after he was at Supper and in Bed with his Wife he said to her My Dear you must not expect any kind caresses from me to night for I am so weary that I cannot stir This caused his Wife to curse in her heart those that had invented the post A few dayes after walking with his Wife in the yard he spied the Cock sitting in the Sun asleep by the Henns without following them Then he asked his Wife what made the Cock so dull and sleepy by his Hens I do not know Husband said she unless he hath ridden post 200. A Captain having lost one eye by a Musket shot in the late Wars the other became distempered ever after and often ran with water This made a friend of his ask him one day Why that eye that was well wept so much Alas said he how should it do otherwise having lost its onely brother 201. One told his friend merrily he was bewitcht for as much as his head was all in one lump And you my friend replied the other I am afraid are mad for your heart is not on the right side 202. A Lady going to visit a Gentlewoman of her acquaintance took her Maid along with her which was very simple and ignorant and it happen'd as they came away that in straining complements there escaped a fart not a thundering one but a Lady's fart born before its time At this accident she became very much ashamed and to excuse her self she put it upon the Maid saying Get you hence you stinking slut The Maid being wrongfully accused as all the Company knew went about to excuse her self but her Mistriss persisting made her hold her tongue and so took leave of the company Afterwards when she was out and alone with her Maid she said How now impudence how durst you contradict me Did you not see I did it to save my credit before the company And that it would have been better they should have thought it had been you than I. The Maid begg'd pardon saying She did not think in the least of that Go go you are a beast said her Mistriss and by your dulness make me suffer shame Whereupon the poor innocent Maid to repair her fault went back privately to the House whence they came and entred into the Room where all the Company was laughing still at the pleasant Dispute between the Lady and her Maid Then making a great reverence she said aloud Gentlemen and Ladies I declare freely that the fart which was let here just now I take upon my self Which caused the Company to redouble their laughter at the simplicity of the Maid 203. Some unlucky Lads in the University bearing a spight to the Dean for his severity towards them went secretly one night and daubed the Rails of his Stair-Case The Dean coming down in the dark foul'd his hands in the dung at which much inraged he resolved to make examination amongst all those that were most likely and suspected to do it but chiefly he sent for one and laid it on him as being most suspected to be the Author This the Lad utterly denies but the Dean and the Fellows being still more urgent upon him to confess the matter Truly said he I did it not but if you please I shall tell you who had a hand in it Here the Dean thought to have found the truth and thereupon asked him whose Your Worships Sr said the Lad which caused him to be dismiss'd with great applause for his ingenuity 204. A Clown bringing a Letter to a Gentlemans House delivered it in haste to a a great Baboon that stood at the Door in a Scarlet laced Coat the Baboon soon tears the Letter to pieces The Gentleman having heard of the business when he met the Countreyman next began to scold at him bitterly for not bringing him the Letter I will assure you replied the Peasant I delivered it to your Son at the Door My Son says the Gentleman you Fool 't was a Baboon Truly answered he I thought it was your Son he was so like you 205 A certain Apothecary in London seeing a young Rustick Fellow that look'd somewhat simply on the matter with a Hare on a stick which he was carrying to market to sell said to his Companions Sirs 'T will be worth our while to get this Peasants Hare from him by some pleasant stratagem and that shall be this I will ride up before and make him believe that it is a Cat which he carries and will be judg'd by you Thus he accosts the Fellow saying Friend how doth your Wife whither carry you that Cat How said he what do you take this Hare for a Cat A Hare said the Gentleman laughing why 't is a Cat thou Fool canst not thou distinguish between a Hare and a Cat I will lay thee the price of a good Hare that 't is no other then a Cat and we will be judged by those Gentlemen that ride by yonder tree The Peasant recollecting himself and trusting his eye-sight laid the Wager but was soon daunted when he saw himself condemned by his Judges who made him believe that 't was a Cat and so sent him home empty handed whilest they went and eat the Hare not without great mirth and pleasure considering the simplicity of the Clown whose Wife as soon as he came home asked him what he had got for the Hare You fool said he 't was a Cat Lord that you and I should be so deceived His Wife thought him mad and he call'd her fool that at last they contended so much that the Neighbours came in to part them and understanding the matter made them friends again by shewing plainly that 't was a trick of the Apothecary His Wife resolving to be revenged went not long after and filled a little Barrel with Turds and put the thickness of three fingers of Honey on the top which she carried to the Apothecary asking if he would buy her Honey which she would sell him very cheap the greedy Apothecary took it at an under rate and the woman went away rejoycing she had returned cheat for cheat so effectually Not long after
to each a shell 283. A Welshman coming late to his Inn went to bed in the dark and being very dry and finding a Bottle there on a Cup-boards head he supposed it to be drink and supp'd it off which was indeed Quick-silver In the morning when he felt the matter in the bed for fear his Hostess should perceive he had beshit it he arose and departed before day 384. Another of the same Countrey going in a dark night in London with his Arms stretcht out to avoid dangerous objects run with his Nose against a Post Cuts splutter and nails said he is her Nose longer than her Arms 285. A poor Cripple being asked by a Gentleman why he married a blind woman Because said he we shall the better agree when neither can hit the other in the teeth with their infirmities 286. King James being often troubled with the frequent Petitions of the Scotch Lords when he was merrily disposed one day he said to one Thomas German a notable witty person Suppose your self King and I as you were how would you behave your self towards these Petitioners And thereupon made German sit down and he himself stood at his Elbow as German used to do to him Then came one Scotch Lord then another and another and all petitioned for something and German sitting in the Chair of State said to them I am more troubled with these Scotch Lords than all the Kingdom besides what can you expect or desire from me when here is poor Tom German pointing to King James at his Elbow that hath been faithful to me and served me all along and I never gave him any thing yet This so work'd upon the King that he considered all the good services he had done him and rewarded him nobly 287. A Reverend Man seeing a very cholerick couple married and living lovingly asked how they did to live so peaceably and comfortably together To whom the man answered When my Wives sit comes upon her I yield to her and when my fit is upon me she yields to me and so we never strive together but asunder 288. One told his friend he was mad for something he had done with less consideration and judgement than he ought to have done and that he ought to be sent to Bedlam to be cured of his Phrensie and continued at that rate so long till the other wittily answered That he wondred much why as in all Commonwealths there was provided a Bedlam for mad men there never was any place allotted for fools 289. A Gentleman in Paris talking with a Priest concerning Religion asked him why they used to kiss the Cross more than any other piece of wood and what was in that more than any Tree else that they did not as well kiss them Why said the Priest is not your Wife made all of the same flesh and blood and what 's the reason you do not kiss her back side as well as her face 290. One having eaten Eggs for Dinner in Lent time went afterwards to the Tavern to make up his Dinner with a Glass of Wine but staid so long Pint after Pint that when he came out into the air the fumes of the Wine began to load his head and instead of going home strait he made many reelings cross the street in so much that a friend of his seeing him began to chide him for his debauchery in the time of Abstinence wondering he said that then when there was a time allotted by the Church for the Mortification of the Flesh he would make himself a reproach and a by-word to all honest men Alas says he now I see how false those things are that we commonly take for truth How often have I heard that an Egge and a Glass of Wine would sustain a man four and twenty hours and it is not two since I eat an Egg and drank a Glass of Wine and now you see I cannot stand 291. An indifferent Poet shewing a Copy of Verses to a Crooked Gentleman to have his judgement concerning them after long perusal though he were no great Poet himself nor had any great judgement in such things nevertheless he told the Poet that he disliked such and such things and indeed that he thought they were not well made Why then said the Poet taking it in great dudgeon that he should slight his Verses all that I can say if they are not well made is that you will be taken for the Author for they are made more like you than me 292. A Countrey Curate having inveyed bitterly against the Vices of his Parishioners in his Sermon one good woman that was there went to see his Mother and said That her Son had threatned them all with hell and damnation if they did not amend their ways Oh said his Mother you are mad if you believe him for when he was young he was alwayes a great lyar and I never whipt him but for speaking untruth 293. A Countrey woman sent her Daughter to a Lady with a present of ripe Medlars the clownish wench being come to the Lady told her that her Mother had sent her Ladyship some ripe Medlars that were as soft as bran but if she did not eat them quickly they would not be worth one fart This language and brutish behaviour so angred the Gentlewoman that she resolved to complain to her Mother of the incivility of her Daughter and not long after meeting her in the Street I thank you very much said she for your present but the bearer was so unmannerly as to say such and such obscene words Ah replied she let me do what I will I cannot mend her and notwithstanding all the civility that ever I taught her she hath no more manners than mine Arse 294. A Gentleman being passionately enamoured with a fair young woman that was already married was nevertheless so far driven by his passion as to shew his love on all occasions to her which importunity when she would endure no longer and that still he pressed her more and more telling her he had something to acquaint her with privately She replied chastely and as a wise woman should do Sir when I was under my Parents care I never did any thing but what they knew and councelled me and since at this time I am in subjection to my Husband I can do or consent to nothing but what he knows therefore if your demands be just and honest ask him and he will satisfie you 295. A poor man having one onely Son had a mind to bind him out to a Butcher but being willing to get him a Master where he might best learn his Trade he asked his friend to whom he should bind him Oh said he there is a Physician in our Village bind him to him for he kills more than all beside in the Town 296. A great Scholar or a meer one as we say that took care neither for Wife Children nor any thing but his Book was translating a Greek Book into Latine and
haste to buy a Pig but not liking those that were dead would have a live one Sir said she I have one of the same bigness alive the price is so much Well here is your money said he but how shall I carry it Why for a groat you shall have Poke and all Poke what is d'at said the Frenchman 'T is a Bag Sir said she that it is tied up in Oh de Bag is dat de Poke well here is a groat Thus away he goes with his Bargain home but when he comes to look in the Poke O de Diable says he is dis de Pig de Dible take me if I do buy de Pig in de Poke agin 16. A Taylor that was ever accustomed to steal some of the Cloth his Customer brought when he came one day to make himself a Suit stole half a yard his Wife perceiving it asked the reason Oh said he 't is to keep my hands in use least at any time I should forget it 17. A Scholar that fancy'd himself to sing well notwithstanding he had a very hoarse voice having often observed that a poor woman was used to cry when she heard him sing asked her at last the reason Truly Sir said she when through poverty I had sold all my goods and had nothing left but a poor Ass at last I lost my Ass and I never hear you sing but you put me in mind of it 18. A Cook leaving his Master who was very miserable and sparing in his Diet when his Master asked him the reason Truly Sir said he I am afraid that if I stay here long I should forget my Trade 19. One seeing a bare-legg'd Fellow run on an errand said Do you hear friend when those Stockings are worn out I will give you a new pair I thank you Sir replied the other these Stockings have lasted me a great while I have also a pair of Breeches of the same Stuffe that never had but one hole in them and that 's at your service too 20. A Gentleman passing by a poor man asked alms of him whereupon the Gentleman asked him what he lived upon Sir said he I can make no answer to that but had you asked me what I die of I should have told you of hunger 21. A drunken Hector being brought before a Justice of Peace upon the account of Swearing was commanded to deposite his Fine which was two shillings thereupon plucking out a Half-Crown said Pray what should I have paid had I cursed the Justice told him Six pence Then quoth he a pox take you all for a company of Knaves and Fools and there 's Half a Crown for you I will never stand changing of Money 22. A Gentleman meeting the Kings Jester asked What news Why Sir reply'd he There are forty thousand men risen to day I pray to what end said the other and what do they intend Why to go to bed again at night said he 23. A Gentleman playing a Game at Tables in a Chamber in Fleet-street four stories high had so ordered his Game that no chance of the Dice could lose it but one yet it so happen'd that that chance came whereupon he grew so passionate that bringing down the Tables into the Street he made a stop and asking the next Gentleman that came if he understood the Game the Gentleman said he did Then pray Sir said he what do you think could lose me the Game then pausing a little I think there 's nothing but such a chance Why then said the passionate Gamester God dam me if I have not thrown it 23. One asked Why men sooner gave to poor people that begged than to Scholars 'T is said one because they think they may sooner come to be poor than to be Scholars 24. A Courtier having begg'd a rich Landed Fool of the King made him wait upon him so the Fool coming one day with his Master to a Gentlemans House where the Picture of a Fool was wrought in a rich Suit of Arras Hangings cut out the Fool with his knife and being accused for it You have more reason said he to commend and give me thanks for it for had my Master seen the Picture of a Fool in your Hangings he would have begg'd them of the King 25. A Countreyman coming to Paris with his Ass loaded the Beast stuck in a dâ—rty place of the Road wherefore the Peasant struck him with a stick to make him rise till at last a Courtier passing by said How now Villain art thou not ashamed to abuse thy Beast so If thou strikest him again I will give thee a hundred blows with the same Cudgel The poor man ignorant what to do pull'd off his Hat till the Gentleman was past and then began to beat his Beast worse than before saying How now mine Ass who would have thought that thou hadst had friends at Court 26. A French Peasant passing by a Ditch with his Cart full of Onions the Cart overturned and the Onions fell into the Water then seeing there was no remedy Morebleau said he here wants nothing but salt to make good pottage 27. A Stranger being much necessitated as he walked into the City to do that no one could do for him and being in a place far from any of his acquaintances and void of convenience for that purpose went into an Upholsters Shop and asked the Man to shew him a Close-Stool which being done he asked if he had no better Yes Sir we have said he of all coloured Velvet Go then said he and fetch two or three in the mean time he let down his Breeches and sate down the Upholsterer seeing him in that posture asked him What he did I am trying it said he and pulling up his Breeches I will have none of them they are all too low 28. An Apprentice of London being brought before the Chamberlain by his Master for the sin of incontinency even with his own Mistriss the Chamberlain thereupon gave him many Christian Exhortations and at last mentioned and press'd the Chastity of Joseph when his Mistriss tempted him with the like crime of incontinency I Sir said the Apprentice but if Joseph's Mistriss had been as handsome as mine is he could not have forborn 29. It happen'd in Chancery when the Council of the Parties set forth the boundary of the Land in question by the Plot and the Council of one part said We lie on this side my Lrod and the Council of the other part said We lie on this side the Lord Chancellor stood up and said If you lie on both sides whom will you have me believe 30. It happen'd that an old and a young Gentleman courted a young Lady and both one day met at her House together the young one being much troubled at the sight of his Rival said mocking Pray Sir how old are you To which the old man answered 'T were hard for me to tell you exactly my age because I never reckoned it but I am very certain
that an Ass of twenty is older than a man of forty 31. A young Horseman being mounted was carried away by his Horse his Friends fearing the Horse would throw him call'd to him to stay him How should I stay him said he seeing I have no spurs 32. A prudent Gentleman in the beginning of the Rebellious Times as he lay on his Death-bed was asked how he would be buried he answered With my face downward for within a while this England will be turned upside down and then I shall lie right 33. Sir Nicholas Bacon being appointed Judge for the Northern Circuit was by a Malefactor mightily importuned to save his life but when nothing he could say did avail he desired his mercy on the account of kindred Pretheee said my Lord Judge how comes that in Why if it please you my Lord your name is Bacon and mine is Hog and those two have ever been so near related that they cannot be separated I but replied Judge Bacon you and I cannot be kindred except you be hanged for Hog is not Bacon until it be hanged 34. One seeing the Rump in Council Oh strange said he what fine men be these I could willingly work for such as long as I live What Trade are you pray said another Why truly replied he I am a Cord-winder 35. Two coming to an Inn they bid the Hostler give their Horses some Oats presently one going down saw the Hostler robbing the Horses for which chiding him he returned to his Companion that had trusted too much upon the Hostlers fidelity What said his Companion have the Horses dined already Yes I believe yours hath replied he for as I went down just now I saw the Hostler taking away 36 A Gentleman passing by with a very short Cloak his Friend said to him Sir your Cloak is too short You 'r mistaken said he 't will be long enough before I get another 37. A Countreyman newly come up to London to sell some Apples a Collier called after him to buy some the poor man seeing the Colliar on a sudden set down his Basket and ran away crying I defie the Devil I defie thee take them all 38. A Gentleman in the Rebellious Times as he was in his Chamber amongst his Friends making merry there came a Musket Bullet through the Window and glancing against a Marble Chimney-piece hit him on the head without farther damage then fell at his feet the Gentleman turning the flatted Bullet with his fingers Gentlemen said he those that had a mind to flatter me were wont to say that I had a good Head-piece in my younger days but if I do not flatter my self I think I have a good Head-piece in my old age for it is Musket proof 39. A Gentleman having lost his sight his Friends often asked how he could be so merry Why before said he I used to go alone but now I have alwayes company 40. Two Innkeepers falling out one day who should entertain a Lord and his Retinue that was to pass that way he that was less happy in the occasion stood at his Door saying to those that passed by See that envious man pointing to the other ho is willing that every thing he hath should eat me up for example his Cat this morning eat me two pound of Butter The other to justifie himself brought out a pair of Scales in the middle of the Street weighed his Cat and said See good people what an envious and lying man this is the Cat doth not weigh a pound and an half with all that is in her and yet he saith she hath eat this morning two pound of his Butter 41. A Gentleman none of the wisest seeing a House very stately built told the Porter it was much of the Italian Mode and asked whether it were made in England the Porter seeing his simplicity said No Sir it was made in Venice and brought hither by two Merchants 42. A Gentleman complaining to his Friend that he had lost an honest woman forasmuch as his Wife was dead Nay had she been honest said the other she would never have left you 43. A Lord as he was travelling on the Road his Coach-horses tired and forced him to take up Inn where being impatient of staying his Fool said to him Let us go if it please your Lordship before in the Coach and the Horses may come after 44. Pace the bitter Fool was not suffered to come at the Queen because of his bitter humor yet at last some pressed the Queen that he should come to her undertaking for him that he should keep compass so he was brought to her and the Queen said Come on Pace now we shall hear of our faults Saith Pace I do not use to talk of that which all the Town talks of 45. One rode furiously among some Quakers that stood in a yard hearing the Speaker from the top of the Barn and being rebuked by a Brother Why should not my Horse said he have to do here at the meeting as well as the rest of the Asses 46. Some merry Companions having been at an Ordinary all day when by much drink they began to be mad began at last to jeer one another concerning their Mistrisses whereat one struck the other a box in the ear and all expected some bloody event but the injur'd person demanded what the other meant whether he were in jest or in earnest In earnest said the other whose Collar had carried him beyond the bounds of Friendship The other more considerate and loath to quarrel with his Friend 'T is well you are said he for I like not such jesting 47. Several persons of several Callings being invited to a Feast it happen'd that amongst the rest there came an old Grammarian not altogether arrayed after the mode nor cloathed so well as many other young Gallants that were there this gave occasion when the Wine had made every man's tongue free to speak his mind that a young Spark to put a jest upon the old Grammarian said Pray Sir since I know you to be well skill'd in Genealogy who was the Father of Peleus to which he answered Tell me first if you can who was yours 48. In the time of Peace when the Gown onely found employment and Arms as useless were laid aside a stout Souldier that had formerly done his Prince great service but was forgotten finding it a difficult thing to be admitted to the Kings presence whereby he might make himself known to him stuck feathers in his hair nose and ears and danced about the Court in a most antick fashion till at last the strangeness of the sight brought the King himself to be Spectator Then this Mimick throwing off this disguise Sir said he I thus arrive at your Majesties notice in the fashion of a Fool but can do you service in the place of a wise man 49. An old Knight coming to Court requested a favour of the King but received a Denial of his Petition wherefore
for that rate Do then replied he and you will have two 100. Two men scolding the wiser went away but the other followed after brawling and condemning him for running away Alas said he though you have power to give bad words I have not to hear them 101. A fine mouthed Scholar seeing a Sparrow mute on his companions hat said to put the matter in fine language Sir A Sparrow has untrussed a point upon your hat 102. A School-master being very angry one day with one of his young Scholars for writing his name upon the wainscote went about to whip him but the Boy begging earnestly the Master said He 's a Fool and ever shall that writes his name upon the Wall Sirrah What say you to that To which the Lad made answer He 's a Fool and ever shall that takes a Wainscote for a Wall 103. One being much intreated to warm his fingers I thank you Sir said he I do not use to stand upon my hands 104. A young Gentleman to save the lash threw himself at his Masters feet but being afterwards blamed by his Friends for so debasing himself 'T is not my fault said he but his if his ears be in his feet 105. A young Scholar drinking Mum with a Gentleman the Gentleman thinking to pose him said Pray how do you decline 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 but he wittily said 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 106. A witty Scholar once asked money oâ— his Patron Why have you not often told 〈◊〉 says his Patron that Scholars never waâ—ed money 'T is true said he but I aâ— now a little in haste I will talk with you that by and by So his Patron gave hiâ— money which having received Noâ— says he do Scholars want money 107. One being chid by his Friends 〈◊〉 wearing his nails so long I can assâ— you said he I pare them every foot 108. After the sad and dismal Fire in Londâ— when nothing was left standing but ruinâ— one passing by as they were pulling dowâ— a wall Have a care have a care crâ— he to the Labourers or you will pull dowâ— the foundation upon your head 109. An arch youth supping among his feâ—low Scholars at a Boarding-School wheâ— they were seeing them carve too busiâ— and cut him clearly out of Common moreover when they had done to jeer hiâ— and throw the bones at him went priviâ— behind one of them and lifting up his leâ— like the creature that feeds upon boneâ— pissed upon him 110. A Scholar of Cambridge in the time of the Assizes seeing a Boy in the Castleward throwing stones at the Gallows â—ave a care Sirrah said he you do not 〈◊〉 the mark 111. Some Companions talking concerning Minerals and Metals one started the Question at last Why the two noblest Metals Gold and Silver one lookt but pale the other so white Because answered another they have both so many that ly in wait for them 112. Look look said a Scholar to his Companion how the Townsmen laugh at you And other Fools perhaps replied the other laugh at them but neither do they mind fools nor I them 113. A Tobaconist whose wits were now grown dry with smoaking and his brains probably consumed to ashes when some commended this mans Tobacco others that Say what you please Gentlemen quoth he but a clearer Tobacco you never saw for I am sure it hath neither leaves nor stalks 114. The same person probably hearâ— much swearing in a Bowling green saiâ— Fie Gentlemen 'T is Gods great men the Bowling Green doth not fall upon yoâ— heads 115. 'T is farther reported by some thâ—â— the same man sitting at Supper his Câ— passed too and fro through his Arms offending his mouth with her tail wheâ—â— upon in a rage Don Quixot like he câ— off the tip of her tail most valiantly â— think now Mistriss Puss I have given yâ— an Ear mark The Cat taking it ill foâ— the present absents her self all that night but the next morning knowing her Mâ—ster was a man that never let the Sun seâ— upon his anger she came after her wonted manner to express her kindness to him by standing in his way Why how now you troublesome Bitch says he are you come again I thought I had given you your breakfast last night 116. A young Boy throwing stones one day amongst a crowd of people Have a care says a Gentleman passing by perhaps you may hit your Father 117. A Carpenter being at work in a Bowling Green was asked what he was about I am a making said he a Bench for 〈◊〉 standers by to sit upon 118. The first night King Charles the First came into Ragland Castle his Majesty desired to see the great Tower where his Lordship used to keep his Treasure and spake to Doctor Baily to fetch the Keys He ran down to the Marquiss and acquainted him with the Kings pleasure who would needs bring the Keys himself to the King When the King saw the Marquiss bringing the Keys himself he said My Lord There are some men so unreasonable 〈◊〉 to make me believe that your Lordship hath good store of Gold yet left within this Tower but knowing how I have exhausted you could never have believed it until now I see you will not trust the Keys with any but your self To which the Marquiss answered Sir I was so far from giving your Majesty any such occasion of thought by this tender of my duty that I protest unto you I was once resolved your Majesty should have lain there but that I was loath to commit you to the Tower 119. A Scholar meeting a poor ignorant Peasant on the Road How far friend sayâ— he to Cambridge By my faith Sir sayâ— he I do not know but from Cambridge tâ— this Town is counted seven miles 120. One having sent for a Physitian to his Daughter that was desperately ill the Doctor being come and having examined the Case how she was seeing her lie on her back advised her to lie rather on her side Ay Sir said her Father I have alwayes told her her bacâ— was the best side to lie upon and she would never believe me 121. A certain person being asked by hiâ— friend why he wore his Stockings with the wrong sides outwards Oh said he being forced to wear the one so I turn the â—ther also that it may not be so easily perceived But pray why quoth the other â— you wear one with the wrong side outwards Why because said he it hath a hole â— the other side 122. A Crew of boon Companions in the height of their mirth began to be captions and quarrel so Thomas threw a piece of a Tobacco-pipe in John's face but Thomas denied it and cleared himself Well 't was ill done of you Thomas though quoth John whoever did it 123. Two Scholars had made a match one night to go steal Rabbets in a Warren the one that was set to watch when the Rabbets came cried out Ecce cuniculi multi at which the
manner gave them their due hire and when he returned into the Countrey again began amongst the rest of his news and all the fine things he had seen at London to tell That he had been carried in a Sedan wherefore every one was desirous to know how it was Why it is said he like 〈◊〉 Watch house onely 't is covered with leather and were it not for the name of a Sedan one had as good go on foot 140. One meeting his Friend in the Street where was a great stop of Coaches that none could pass asked him where he was going To the Market replied the other to buy some meat Well then go by said he 〈◊〉 you can farewell 141. A Countreyman coming to Londoâ— into a Booksellers Shop to buy a Bible the man shewed him one that had a Patch in the Cover the Countreyman displeased at that would see more whereat the Master came out asking his man what his Chapman would have Sir said his boy he wants a Bible and he doth not like this Then his Master looking on it Why Sirrah said he to his Apprentice have I but one double covered Bible in all the Shop and you must shew every one this O pray said the Countreyman let me have it by all means if it be double covered for I would fain have a lasting one And so paid down the price most willingly 142. Thomas Frog and Mr. John Rain meeting accidentally at a broad kennel in the Street and knowing one another Frog was still hindring Rain and would fain be leaping over but Rain striving to get over Frog began to scold at him for dirting his Stockings I think these Frogs are alwayes croaking in wet weather says Rain So you must expect said Frog again till the Rain be over 143. An University Scholar being hot in discourse at the Table in the Hall and so loud that the Fellows heard him the Dean sent to him to be quiet after this manner by the Servitor Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur To which he returned this answer Vir loquitur qui pauca sapit 144. A Gentleman being choaked with a Honey-comb his friends began to bemoan him Why make you such lamentation said another never man died a sweeter death 145. One seeing a Ladies Legs as she lifted up her Coats a little too high he said to her Madam you have a very handsome pair of Twins You are mistaken Sir said she for I have had one between them 146. A Minister marrying a couple of his friends told them afterwards in merriment that if after they disliked they should come to him again and he would un-marry them So this Countrey Couple go home and are very merry for the first week or two but at last dissention arising between them they both came again to the Priest to be divorced Hereupon he fetcheth out a great Hatchet and asks who had the greatest desire to leave the other first For says he I have married you till death you do depart and therefore it is expedient that I kill one of you 147. A Barber being a Tobaconist and selling both Hair and Tobacco accidentally in the same ounce to his Customer for as much as some loose Hair scattered by chance into the Tobacco the next time his Customer met him and complained of his selling such bad Tobacco that was full of Hair Truly replied he I get much by selling such pennyworths an ounce of Hair that costs me ten shillings for three pence 148. A tall Minister told a short one scoffingly That he looked in a Pulpit like a Collar of Brawn in a Dish And you replied he look like a Pestle in a Mortar 149. At a great Feast where many Guests were present there was served up amongst other good Dishes a great Turky Pie iâ— whose sides the Cats had eat a great hole this gave the Master occasion to be angry with his Servants for their negligence but one of his Guests said Pray blame not your Servants Sir 't is enough it hath escaped the Turky-Pie-Cats so well 150. 'T was at the same Feast probably that a Rice Fool was brought up to the Table when many of the Guests doubted what it was One wittily said Per risum multum possis cognoscere stultum 151. Some Gentlemen quarrelling at Table one to reprehend the other of his great use of Tobacco and the foulness of his Mouth called him a foul Tobacco-Pipe The other readily told him he was a dented Quart-pot The strangeness of this Metaphor stuck in his mind and made him very urgent to know the reason Because said he you seem to have more in you than you have 152. A Gentleman of the Temple being newly come up to London told his Friend he had brought up a Horse with him and would sell it What have you him at your Chamber said the other 153. A meer Scholar sent one day for Tim the Sâ—â—th to hang up two Pictures and asking him when he had done what he must have Sir saith Tim there are two Ten-penny Nails and what you please for my labour Well there Sirrah are two Shillings said the Gentleman that is a Groat for thy pains and twenty pence for thy Nails Go thy ways 154. A Humorist calling for a reckoning found there was ten pence to pay wherefore breaking the Glass he had in his hand against the wall Dam you there 's a shilling Sirrah for you said he to the Tapster 155. A man being abused by many scandalous reproaches of his neighbour as calling him Rogue his Wife Whore and the like sued him at Law but finding after much trouble those words would bear no Action he was so incensed that as he stood in the middle of the Court he cry'd aloud My Lord you are a Rogue your Wife â—s a Whore and your Children are all Bastards 156. Two Boys going together to School met with one whose name was Pontius Vrben a Rag of the Law that was not well in his wits Lets us call yonder fellow Pontius Pilate says one of them and then ran away Whereupon the man became so furious that the other was forced also to double his pace and save himfelf in the School house Presently in came the man and would have beaten him but that the Master took him off and promised to whip him soundly So at every lâ—sh he asked him if ever he would say agâ—in Pontius Pilate To which he answered crying No Sir The next dâ—y at Prayers when the Boy came to these words in the Creed Who suffered undâ—r Pontius Pilate he remembred his fault and said Who suffered under Pontius Urben 157. Other young Scholars went up into a Steeâ—le to get a Sparrow-Hawk's Nest that was in a hole of the Wall and because it was just over a Window but just out of their reach they agreed that the strongest of the two should hold out a Board for the other to stand upon and take the Nest this done he that took the Nest call'd
the beginning 219. One related in a Coffee-house how he had seen in Turkey a Hall thirty miles â—ong and a Table therein six and thirty which a young careless Gallant taking for truth related in the next Company he met where all laughed very much at the improbability that a Table could be longer than the place where it stood and the Gentleman was much ashamed The nexâ— time therefore he met the person of whom he heard the Story he began to quarrel with him for having offered to impose such Lies and Fables as that was concerning the Table on Gentlemen that expected to hear nothing from him but the truth Why what untruth do you find in my relation said he What replied the other Can any thing be more against reason than that a Table should be six and thirty miles long and the Room where it stands but thirty Alas Sir replied the other you did not take all the story for it turn'd in four miles at each end 220. Two Fools washing their feet in a Brook had so entangled their feet that they knew not which was which one would have this the other thought 't was his and they began to quarrel but a Passenger seeing the simple contention struck them over their backs with his stick and fear soon made them find their legs 221. A Countrey Carter coming through London Streets with his Hobnail'd Shoes in a slippery place his heels flew up and an Apprentice standing in his â—hop said to him How now friend you see our City stones are very proud they scorn that a Bumkin should tread upâ—n them To which he replied As proud as they are I made them kiss mine Arse 222. When a witty Gentleman heard how a certain Impropriator made nothing to devour Churches Alas said he t is pity so bad a Liver should have so good a Stomach 223. A Clown coming to London read on a Sign-post Here are Horses to be let 1661. Cuds life says he if there are so many Horses in one Inn how many are there in all the City 224. Amongst a company of good fellows one thinking to impose on the rest who were poor Seamen told very soberly for a truth That as two Gentlemen were fighting one lost his thumb in the fray which a Chirurgeon passing by accidentally took up and put in his Pocket This Chirurgeon meeting the Gentleman two moneths afterwards and hearing him complain for the loss of his thumb told him for so much money he would set it on as fast as ever and did it so perfectly that no one could tell that ever it had been cut off And I doubt not said he but if the man were living I would have his hand to shew for it One of the Seamen who had listned all the while and was too understanding to be imposed upon so grosly said I had a thing happened to me once in my travels much like to this which was Travelling into the Countrey of the Cannibals with a friend of mine I chanced to lose him one day and running to and fro to seek him I saw at last a company of Cannibals feeding on him this misfortune made me very pensive but considering no time was to be delay'd I went privily and sprinkled a powder that I had into their drink and they had no sooner drank it but they presently were drunk and disgorged their Stomachs of what they had eaten and fell asleep then seeing my self pretty secure sâ— had time to gather up the miserable morsels of my friend then placing them together I powred some of the same powder on them and restored him to life and his perfect shape and if he were yet alive he himself would witness what I have told you ' Tiâ— very strange and improbable quoth the other that after your friend was not onely dead but part of him swallowed down and then vomited up again that those parts 〈◊〉 chewed and half digested should stick together and become the same man Oh Sir said the Seaman you may easily imagiâ— that if you do but remember the thumb the thumb 225. Two persons quarrelling together one struck the other but company coming between hindered the fray at that time nevertheless he that received the blow threatned the other that he should never escape so and according to his word the next time he had opportunity which was a day or two after he hit him over the mouth the other in cool blood and â—ot willing to quarrel was willing to pass 〈◊〉 away with a Jest What said he canâ—ot one touch you but you must hit one in the â—eth of it 226. A little boy sitting with his Grandmoâ—her by the fire in the winter time when â—e lifted up her Coats to warm her knees â—pied something between her legs and â—ould fain know what it was It is said he a Rabbet skin that your Mother â—rought me from Market What and â—ve you burnt a hole in it Granny said â—e 227. Some women talking of Cuckolds one was so simple as to ask where their horns â—ew another seeing her ignorance said â—n the nape of the neck Truly I thought so â—aid she my Husband wears out his bands 〈◊〉 much behind 228. The good man being out of Town is neighbour brought home a pair of Panâ—iers he had borrowed and lay with his wife in thanks but he coming home unexpectedly that night disturbed their kind embraces and forced his wife for â—aste to hide her friend in one of the Panniers as it was made fast to a Cross-beaâ— in the Room The good man being little in drink as soon as he came in he would have a Candle his wife fearinâ— this would discover her friend was verâ— much against it but forced by the threaâ— of her husband at last she light one and desired him with kind speeches anâ— embraces to make haste to bed this kindness so inflamed her husband that 〈◊〉 would fain be at her even before he wâ— undressed and when at last she had helped him to bed with great diligence thâ— her neighbour might not be seen wheâ— he was sitting with one leg in one Pannier the other in the other cross the Beamâ— Her husband said Sweetheart I havâ— been married to thee these two years anâ— yet never saw what I had to do with noâ— I am resolved to view what hitherto I onely felt So as he was looking on it earnestly with the Candle and viewing it well the fellow on the Beam that had neveâ— seen one before leaned and leaned still farther and farther to get a sight of it till at last he fell down Panniers and alâ— The good man much affrighted cry'd aloud Who is there to which the otheâ— replied 'T is I neighbour am come tâ— bring you home your Panniers A pox on â—ou says he again you need not have brought â—hem home in such haste 229. One Citizen in a scoffing manner call'd â—is neighbour Nicumpoope and the other â—aking it for some very shamful and opâ—robrious
for lying honest but for stealing fell suddenly very sick and when his friends began to despair of his recovery and that he thought himself he should die his Conscience began to prick him and to bring into his imagination all his former sins then did he think he saw before him all the Fiends of Hell displaying sundry colours of those Silks he had at several times stoln this so terrified him that after he grew well he bought him a Bible went to Church and shewed great reformation nay the very meat that was to be eat on Sunday he would have drest on Saturday also least the custom and frequent use he had of stealing should at any time make him forget his zeal he gave his Journeyman a special charge to put the apparition in his mind when ever he saw him stealing any thing Not long afâ—er when a Doctor of Physick sent him some Velvet to make him a Goat and he well knowing how much would serve snips off half a yard but his man espying it said O Master Master remember the Vision Yes yes said he I do remember the Vision but there was not one piece of such Silk in any part of it 246. A Gentleman that took great delight in Hunting came hastily one day into his Friends Chamber as he was employed about some other business asking him if he would go find a Hare Pish said the other let me alone let them go find Hares that have lost them 247. One sending a Pair of Gloves to his Lady for a New-years Gift writ on the Paper these two witty Verses If that from Glove you take the Letter G Then Glove is Love and that I send to thee 248. A witty Fellow in a company when the whole discourse was of the Female Sex said That Women were born in Wiltshire brought up in Cumberland led their lives in Bedfordshire brought their husbands to Buckinghamshire and died in Shrewsbury 249. When Mr. Kitchin a great Brasier in London died Cuds life says one will Death have his Kitchin unâ— ground 250. A Welchman lying in an Alehouâ—â— hâ—d run up a great deal for Cheese his Hostess therefore demanding a Shilling How the Devil cuds splutter anâ— nails can that be said he Why look here said she pointing to the score behind the door Ah thae's brave indeed said he what doth her think her does not know Chalk from Cheese 251. Another as he travelled on the Road and came to his Inn he found nothing else ready but Plaice so he would have two and the Host dressed them and sent them up then having eat all on the black side he found himself not satisfied and call'd for two more The man seeing his simplicity took away the Dish turn'd the Plaice and served them up with a little new Butter Cuds life says our Taffy hath he black Plaice and white Plaice too 252. A Baron and a Knight walking together on a Green a Crow lighted on a Rail by them making a great noise I believe says the Baron Sir Knight this Bird saluteth you Nay rather said the Knight t is to some Lord he makes such low obeysance 253. One meeting Bonner that had been once Bishop of London said Good morrow Bishop quondam whereupon he replied presently Adieu Knave semper 254. Hugh Peters preaching of Faith and Hope after a long and tedious discourse forgot Charity for he call'd out to a woman that was talking with her Neighbour to leave babling Beshrew thy heart said she who babbles most thou or I 255. The same man having newly hopt from the Stall to the Pulpit instead of the Priest offered up a pair of Doves for a peace offering read he offered up a pair of Gloves and a piece of fringe 256. 'T is said also of another of those fine Preachers in his days that he thought himself very learned and a good Divine when he said thus in his Sermon Paradise is become a pair of dice and all houses turn Alehouses but 't was not so in the dayes of Noah ah no. Another time he took this for his Text My Bed is green onely to shew this fancy Typical my Topical Bed and Tropical green So beloved you see how it stands Typical my Topical Bed Tropical green Typical Topical Tropical my Bed is green 257. When Tom Holland quartering in Fleet-street had raised his Landlady's Maids Belly whose name was Nell Cotton 't was wittily said by an ingenious person That he gave her a yard of Holland she gave him an ell of Cotton and what harm was there in all that 258. Some boon Companions being merry at a Tavern every one began to commend one sort of Wine or other one especially stood up for Sack that 't was a good Cordial and would make one fat Nay rather says another 't will make one lean How so Vpon a Staffe 259. A Gentleman meeting his friend who had a very pretty Lacquey ask'd him where he was Alas Sir said he death hath sent him on an errand And what is become of your Nag Sir you came up on Why he is foundred Why then replied the other he hath served you right to make you go on foot since you made him lame 260 One bid his Shoe-maker make one of his Boots bigger than the other and when he brought them home A pox on you for a Rogue said he I bid you make one bigger and you have made one less 261. The same Bull-speeker talking of London said That truly the City was a gallant place but the Air was very foggy and agreed not with him and he did really think that had he lived there till this time that he had died seven years ago 262. A discreet Gentleman being asked why he would not go when his friend desired him to have a man that could counterfeit the Nightingale exactly Because said he I have heard her when she sung her self 263. A Welshman travelling with a Charge of Money behind him in his Cloakbag was met by a Thief who bid him to deliver his Money immediately or else he would make that Pistol drawing one out of its Case to bounce thorow him What said the Welshman must that Pistol pounch through her Her had better give her money that is her Masters and spare her life that is her own So the Thief without any resistance took his Cloak-bag But pray Sir said the Welshman since her hath her money let her hear one pounce for it for her never heard the pounce of a Cun. The Thief ro satisfie him discharged his Pistol which ecchoed in many places Cuds splutter and nails said the Welshman 't was a gallant pounce and there was many little pounces too Pray let her have one more pounce for 't is a gallant thing So the Thief let off his other Pistol at which the Welshman seemed more pleased than before and asked if he had no more pounces No said the Thief I have not one more Then replied the Welshman that had long enough pleaded
ignorance Her has one Pistol and unless her give her her money her shall make it pounce through her And so forced the Thief to restore him his Cloak-bag again 263. A certain bold woman came to Gratian the Emperour and with much clamor complained to him of her Husband to whom the Emperour mildly said Woman what are these things to me Yea said she for he hath also spoken many things against thee To which the Emperour answered Woman what is that to thee Which so abashed the woman that she went away ashamed 264. A Boy vapouring of his Game Cock said It would die in the place Nay said a Gentleman standing by Give me a Cock that will live in the place 265. At the Battle of Newport the Prince of Orange having the Spanish Army before him and the Sea behind him said to his Souldiers If you will live you must chuse one of these two things of necessity either to eat those Spanyards or drink that Sea which so encreased the Souldiers appetite to war that they eat up the Spaniards indeed and got a noble Victory 266. When amongst many Articles exhibited to King Henry by the Irish against the Earl of Kildar the last was Finally All Ireland cannot rule this Earl Thâ—n quoth the King The Earl shall rule all Ireland and so made him his Deputy 267. A Gentleman being prickt for High Sheriff who by reason of some indisposition desired to get off from that Office his Wife enquiring into the matter asked a Gentleman concerning it Alas Madam said he your husband is prickt by the King and it cannot be altered Why Sir said she again doth the Kings Prick alwayes stand 268. About the year 1670 there was a notable Robber hanged at Tyburn whose name was Brass whereupon a witty person said 'T was no wonder if so many Robberies were committed since our walls were but clay and our thieves of brass 269. King John being perswaded by a Courtier to untomb the bones of one who in his life time had been his great enemy O no said he I would to God all my enemies were as honourably buried 270. Queen Elizabeth coming to a Free-School where she had an Oration spoken to her by one of the Boys she afterwards asked him how often he had been whipp'd To which he wittily answered with the words of Aeneas to Queen Dido Infandum Regina jubes renovare dolorem 271. Another time having some Verses made to her extempore by a poor School-boy and understanding his condition she said Make me some Verses upon this Pauper ubique jacet to which he said In thalamis Regina tuis hac nocte jacerem Si verum hoc esset pauper ubique jacet 272. A Papist as their usual manner is asked a Protestant where his Religion was before Luther Why in the Bible answered he where yours never was 273. Sir Walter Raleigh asking a favour of Queen Elizabeth says the Queen Sir Walter when do you intend to leave off begging When your gracious Majesty reply'd he shall leave off giving 274. When one asked his Friend to assist him in a base action and was deny'd What am I the better said he for such a friend that denies me his help And what am I the better says the other for a friend that demands such unreasonable things 275. John Scot famous through the whole world for his learning being asked by a young Gallant that thought to have jested on him as he sat at Table What difference there was between Scot and a Sot answered suddenly Mensa tantum that is the Tables breadth for the other sate just over against him 276. The same person being worthily entertained by Charolus Calvus the French King as he was once at Dinner with the King there was a Dish wherein were two great Fishes and a little one the King having tasted it sent it down to Scot to distribute it to two other Clerks that sate by him and were two tall proper persons wherefore John taking the Dish gave the little Fish to the other two and kept the two great ones for himself The King observing this division blamed him for not having dealt equally but he proved his distribution to be just after this manner Here said he be two great ones and a little one pointing to the two great Fishes and himself who was but little of stature and there is one little one and two greas ones pointing to the little Fish and the two tall Clerks and what distribution can be more equal 277. A Scotchman presented King James with a Turnip of an extraordinary and prodigious size which is a Root the Scotchmen love very much The King pleased with the humor gave him a hundred pounds which another Courtier seeing If the King thought he reward a Turnip giver so liberally what will he do to him that offers a greater present and thereupon presents the King with a very excellent Race-horse wherefore the King turning to his Nobles said What shall we give this man and when all were silent By my soul men said he let us give him the Turnip 278. When Metellus Nepos asked Cicero the Roman Orator in a jeering way who was his Father he reply'd Thy Mother hath made that question harder for thee to answer 279. Marcus Livius the Roman who was Governour of Tarentum when Hannibal took it being envious to see so much honour done to Fabius Maximus said one day openly in the Senate That 't was himself not Fabius Maximus that was the cause of the retaking the City of Tarentum Fabius smiling to hear him answered wittily Indeed thou speakest truth for if thou hadst not lost it I had never won it again 280. When Parson Bull came to visit the Chancellour Hide Hide said smiling Bull where are your horns Sir replied he they go alwayes with the Hide 281. Pope Benedict when the Ambassâ—dour of the Council of Constance came to him laying his hand on his breast he said Hic est Arca Noae to which they tartly but truly reply'd In Noah's Ark there were few men but many beasts 282. A blind man hired a lame man that is one that had but one leg and the other a woodden one to lead him up and down the Streets the more to move the pity of the beholders and as they travelled one day the lame man saw an Oyster lie in the way wherefore stooping down to reach it the other perceived he made a stop and asked him what he took up so he told him that he had found a lovely Oyster Give it me said the blind man The other By the right of fortune said it was his and would not deliver it Notwithstanding the blind man pleaded he was his Master Then they resolved to be judged by the next they met which happened to be a subtil Lawyer who after he understood the matter and that these two fools must wrangle for so small a matter draws out his knife and opens the Oyster then eats it and gives
Musick to Heaven Then said the Gascoign I dream'd that I saw you carri'd up to Heaven and thinking you would never come down again I rose and eat the Partridge for I knew you would have no need of meat in Heaven 321. Two Gascoigns came to Paris to live their by the sleight of their hand knavery stealth and such like endowments as their poor Countrey had furnish'd them with but being both apprehended one who had been branded before was hang'd on a Gibbet the other was whipt at the foot of it The latter having escap'd so well returned back to his own Countrey and after he was welcom'd home by his friends many enquir'd what was become of his Friend and Companion Oh says he he hath made true the saying That no body is a Prophet in his own Countrey How so said they Because repli'd he he is marri'd And when they asked To whom He answered To one of a high quality and that he danced at his Wedding 322. A Welchman being condemn'd to be hang'd when he was brought to the place of execution and was ready to be turn'd off the Hangman ask'd him if he had ought to say Yes said he I would willingly speak to some of my Countrey if any be here Then the Hangman callâ—d out to know if any such were there he should hold up his hand It hapned one was there to whom the Hangman said That poor man would speak with him So when he drew near he asked if he knew such persons in Wales The other repli'd He did Then said he you know my father and mother who I know will be much griev'd at my misfortune but pray to comfort them tell them I die a good Christian and am certainly informed that I shall go to heaven and I hope they will follow me thither the same way 323. A Gentleman coming into London out of the Countrey as he came by New Chappel his Horse threw him which a young Gentlewoman seeing fell a laughing The Gentleman being angry that she jeâ—red him said Pray wonder not at this Madam my Horse always stumbles when he sees a Whore To which she answerâ—d merrily Have a care then Sir for if you ride into the City you will break your neck 324. Three drunkards having been late a drinking and knowing what a peal their Wives would ring them when they came home lai'd a wager among themselves of ten pounds a man that they would all obey what their Wives first commanded them and would do it So coming to the first man's house his Wife had prepared a good staff for him and as soon as he came home sell upon him he stepping back trode upon an earthen dish and broke it Ay you Rogue said his Wife do go break all So he up with his staff and broke the windows and all the pots till at last she beat him out of doors Then they went to the Second's house his Wife was of the same temper and fell upon him that striving for haste to get away he let a Fart Ay go shit you drunken Rogue said his Wife go So he down with his breeches and Shit in the room Then they went to the thirdâ—s house where the Good-man being pretty well in drink he stumbled over the threshold Ay you drunken Rogue said his Wife go break your neck do A pox on you for a Whore said he you have made me lose my wager 325. A certain Papist that never carri'd Beads about him was ask'd the reason by his friend who accused him of his being Irreligious Oh said he I have a Wiâ—e who is so lean that in stead of Beads I can count the bones in her back and say my proyers so often Yes but said the other when you have gone as low as you can do you then kiss 326. A Curate in the Countrey had made the poor people believe he was a Conjurer and a great Diviner a Lord therefore sent one day for him and question'd if he could Divine so he plainly confess'd he could not but that the vulgar people had reported it onely of him Nay repli'd the Lord that will not serve either you must tell me four things that I shall ask you or resolve to be dispossessed of all your Preferment as a Cheat a Deluder and Impostor Thus when there was no hope of escape he desired him to propose his questions and to give him two days to consider on them The Lord gave him that time and said First you must tell me where the middle of the world is Secondly what I am worth Then what I think Lastly what I believe The Curate went away much perplexed what to answer but in his way a subtil Joyner of his acquaintance met him and by much perswasions got out of him the cause of his melancholly Well said he troubâ—e not your self lend me your robes and I will clear you of this matter So the day being come the Joyner invests himseâ—f with the Curates Gown and goes away betimes in the morning to the Lord that was not yet stirring nevertheless the Lord wiling to hear his answers got up Well said he what do you think of the questions where is the middle of the world Why reply'd he if you please to go out with me into the fields I shall shew you for it is hard by Is it possible says the Lord. So out they both went and the Joyner having drawn a Circle to colour the matter and some strange figures at last stuck down his stick and said Just there is the middle But how shall I know reply'd the Lord. Why if you please to measure it said he and it wants but one hands-breadth I will forfeit my life Well said the Lord what am I worth all my debts paid Why answer'd he our Saviour was sold but for thirty pence and if I say you are worth but nine and twenty I think I do you no great wrong Then the Lord ask'd him what he thought You think reply'd he more I am sure on your profit then on mine Lastly he ask'd what he believ'd Why you believe said the Joyner that I am the Curate but I am onely a poor Joyner Which caused the Lord to dismiss him with a reward of his ingenuity laughing heartily at his witty answers 327. Three Soldiers talking together were overheard by a Courtier to say thus one said Had he a thousand pounds he should be happier then the King The other said Were he a Captain under the King he should be happier then he The last That had he one nights lodging with the Queen he should be the happiest man in the world The Courtier related this to his â—ing and the King for divertisement sent for these three the next day before him and bid them upon pain of death confess and tell what they said the night before at such a time The first fearing the King's anger said That he had indeed rashly said That if he had a thousand pounds he should be as