came vp againe to his company Presently the English Captaine went downe to enquire what hee had spoke for The Hostesse told him A Capon a dozen of Larkes How saith hee I say hostesse send into the Market and buy for vs a dozen of Capons and a Larke Of which the Dutchman hearing grew presently to composition and recanted the bargaine 11. Two Wolshmen in a robbery TWo Welshmen were in a Robbery and both taken the one being knowne to bee an old theefe had his iudgement to bee hanged and was so The other because it was his first fault found the more fauour and had his sentence to bee whipt at a Carts-taile and so let go Who after comming into his country and being demanded what was become of his friend and Country-man hee told them for a truth that hee was marryed but some not beleeuing it and further pressing him to know when and to whom hee answered he could resolue them no further then this that hee was certainly marryed by the same token before a great many Spectators hee was forced to dance at his wedding 12. Geneva print A Collection being made for the distressed Ministers of Geneva a Gentleman which it seemes was not much affected towards them being prest by the Collector something hard for his charitie he absolutely told him hee would giue him nothing But the other not so satisfied would needs know his reason The Gentleman after some pause answered him If you will needes know my reason it is because I finde nothing more preiudiciall to my eye-sight then the reading of their Geneva print 13. A Papist and a Puritane A Papist a Puritane being next neighbours and travelling by the high-way where stood a woodden Crosse the papist put off his hat and so passed by At which his neighbour onely smiled to himselfe and said nothing But walking further and passing by a tree that stood in the way and not seeing him move to that Neighbour saith he I pray you in courtesie will you resolue mee a question With all my heart replyed the other so that if occasion be offered you le doe mee the like both are agreed now then neighbour saith the Puritane I would know why you did not the like reuerēce vnto the tree that you did vnto the Crosse being both one wood the reason of this saith the other you shall soone know but one thing first I must know of you I called vpon you in the morning and I obserued you in taking leaue of your wife why did you kisse her lips and not her taile seeing they are both made of one flesh 14. A young Heire A Young heire not yet come to age but desirous to bee suited with other gallants and to bee furnisht with money and commodities to the purpose the creditor demanded his bond hee granted it conditionally that his Father should not know of it therefore wisht it to bee done very priuately Vpon this promise all things were concluded and the time came when he should seale it But when hee beganne to read in the beginning of the bond Nouerint vniuersi Be it knowne vnto all men he cast away the bond absolutely refused to seale it saying If it be knowne vnto all men how can it possibly bee but it must come to my Fathers care 15. Of a Gentleman comming to Court A Gentleman comming out of the Country and hauing one Mr. Wiseman to his Kinsman who liued in the Court and belonged to the King came bluntly to the Guard-Chamber and speaking to him that kept the doore I pray you sir tell me faith he is not there one Wiseman among you who answered No indeed sir you had best inquire of the Queenes side 16. Of a Freese Ierkin AN honest good fellow hauing worne a thredbare Ierkin for the space of two yeares an halfe as soone as hee had compast another suite for the good seruice it had done him made of it this Epitaph Here lie in peace thou patient ouercommer Of two cold winters and one Scortching Summer 17. A Poore man arraigned A Poore simple man arraigned at the Sessions for his life and being conuicted the Iudges much commiserating him in regard of his simplicity purposed to doe him what fauour they could and offered him his booke which he hearing cast himselfe vpō his knees beseeching them to doe him any fauour else sauing that for hee protested vnto them that he could read no more then the Pope of Rome 18. Two old Captaines TWo ancient Captaines looking vpon the rich hangings of Eighty Eight obseruing in the border thereof the faces of all the prime Commanders and Gentlemen of note that had beene in the seruice Well saith the one to the other if euery one had his right my face might haue had the honor to haue bin placed before some that I see for I am sure I was ingaged in the hottedst incounter To whom the other replyed content thy selfe Captaine t is well knowne thou art an old souldier and reserued for another hanging 19. A great Eater A Gentleman riding downe into the Low country was askt by his freind what was the best newes at London who answered them he had by reason of suddaine and vnexpected comming downe not listned after any onely wot you what saith he It is reported that such a man naming the great Gormandizer hath lost his stomacke to whom the other replyed If a poore man haue found it he is directly vndone 20. A Gentlewoman and a Iustice A Gentlewoman suspected to be a Romish-Catholike being brought before a busie Iustice in the country he would not accept of her oath vnlesse she would publikely call the Pope knaue to whom shee answered Sr if it please your worship it were great folly and indiscretion in me to call any man knaue whom I neuer either saw or knew but I protest sir saith she If I had seene him so often or knowne him so well as I doe your good worship I think I might and with a safe conscience too call him knaue and knaue againe and with this answere I pray you rest satisfied 21. A Nobleman in his Gallery A Priuate Gentleman being admitted to walke with a nobleman in his gallery being full of curious pictures hee commended them exceedingly as some of those peices to bee the best that hee had seene Say you so saith the nobleman then out of all these chuse that which best pleaseth you and it is your own the Gentleman espying a faire table in which the ten commandements were curiously drawne in golden Letters Please you my Lord saith hee of all that I haue viewed this like I best and challenge by your promise To whō the Lord replyes That onely I had forgot to except chuse else where you will and it is at your free dispose but these I will neuer depart from Why my Lord saith the Gentleman haue you vowed these ten Commandements shall neuer goe from you Indeed saith he I haue and haue vowed it by
thus Brethren and dearely beloued it is now expected that should speake something concerning our brother here deceased I will end it in few words namely these How he liued you know how hee dyed I know and where his soule is now God Almighty knowes 78. A parish Clarke AN honest man a Parish Clarke and a freeman of London by trade a Skinner being by the Preacher before hee went into the Pulpit because he found himselfe at the present not very well intreated to sing a Psalme of some length I will said he and said aloud thus I intreat you good people sing Lamentation of a Skinner 79. Two sisters TWo sisters the one being exceeding faire the other extreame blacke It so fortuned the one had Suters the other had none The faire one meeting with a Sweet-heart of hers in a Garden to which her chāber window was a prospect they grew so wantonly familiar that it was most vndecent and vnseemely the blacke sister finding the others chamber open and espying all which had past with her diamond writes Te tam formosam non decet esse leuem and hauing done this conueyes her selfe out of the roome Their dalliance being ended the faire sister returning to her Chamber and finding no body there espies what was writ in the window and finding it to be her sisters ohatacter thus subscribes Te non formosam non valet esse leuem which I thus interpret the first So faire and light doe not agree The answere Were you as faire such would you be 80. Wishers and woulders ONe desiring a Scholler to turne the old ancient English prouerbe into Latine Wishers and Woulders were neuer good housholders That I will presently saith the Scholler thus Oh si oh si otiosi 81. Barbarous Latine ONe thinking with barbarous latine to put down a Scholler came and saluted him in these words Ars tufons art thou well To whom he presently answered in the others garbe Asinus fons Asinus tu that is As well as thou 81. A Gentleman to a Lady A Witty conceited Gentleman that when he came among Ladies would often bolt out a phrese of Latine one of them that thought her selfe the most witty amongst the rest said vnto him Sir you are ever and anon out with your Latine which wee Gentlewomen vnderstand not therefore are afraid lest you should play vpon vs But for mine one part I perswade my selfe that if you speake but two words if one of them bee good the other is naught I saith he Madam what say you then of these two words bona mulier good woman Well saith shee bona may bee good but if mulier be not naught then neuer trust me 83. Two hyring one horse TWo fellowes purposing a iourney hyred a horse betwixt them to ride by turnes The one laid downe halfe the hire and cals to his partner for the other halfe which he willingly disburst Which done saith he marke the conditions betwixt vs which are these when I ride then you shall goe a foore and whē you go on foot thē I shal ride This is the bargaine will you stand to it Yes with all my heart saith the other So the first got vp rod the whole iourney and left the other to come on foot after him 84. A Gentleman and a Horse-courser A Gentleman hyred a Horse in Smithfield to ride a iourney twenty miles beyond Yorke and hauing paid the Horsecourser his money hee desired to know of him whether the horse would serue him his iourney or no to whom the fellow answered that without doubt he would if he would but obserue three things the Gentleman asking what they were The first is saith he you must meat him well Feare not saith the other for I look to my horse as to my selfe The second is you must not ride him vp hill nor downe hill Well saith hee I must spare him to ease my selfe Now what is the third marry saith he driue him before you in all the euen way you come in and if hee serue not your iourny as wel as any horse in England trust me no more Thus was the poore Gentleman not onely iaded but mockt for his money 85. A man buying a Cow A Certaine man came into the Market to buy a Cow and bought one when he had paid for her he desired to know what faults she had Now the Cow could not endure any to stand iust before her so the seller spoke to the buyer to stand iust before her and he should see all her faults at once which he did but no sooner was hee iust before her thinking to see some egregious fault in her and alas he felt it for shee ran at him and threw him along in the dirt 86. A Doctor and a Lady DOctor Butler being very angry with a Lady call'd her whore she makes a grieuous cōplaint vpon him in so much that partly by compulsion partly by intreaty hee was forced to recant his words before a competent company such as for her best satisfaction shee would make choyse of The time appointed came wherein he recanted in these words Madam I call'd you whore t is true and to speake otherwise I should lye I come to giue you satisfaction I am sorry Vpon these termes grew a perfect reconcilement betweene them 87. An Epitaph A Gentleman hauing lost a deare friend of his and willing to bestow some monument vpon him after his death comes to a Scholler desiring him to make him a Epitaph for that purpose he told him withall his heare then hee demanded what speciall vertues his friend had when he liu'd that in his death hee might commend them to posteritie who answered hee never tooke notice of any particular vertues he askt him then what noted vices he was guilty of hee told him againe not any that he knew but that he was a good honest morall man and more hee could not speake for him the third question was he demanded how old he was when hee departed his life he answered he was iust sixty yeares of age vpon which hee writ this Epitaph Here lyes a man was borne and cride Told threescore yeares fell sick dide 88. Pope Alexander VI. POpe Alexander the sixt intruding into the Papacy rather by force then the consort of a free election one comming to read his title which was Alexander Papa VI. Pope Alexander the sixt read Alexander Papa vi Alexander Pope by force 89. Pictures hang'd A Fantasticke Gentleman having bespoken diuers Pictures to furnish a Gallery the picturer bringing them home hee was disposing them in their seuerall places here saith he hang this there that and there that but here will be hanged my selfe 90. Comming of the Spaniards ONe comming fearfully into a company of Gentlemen told them hee could tell them most fearfull newes they asked him what it was Marry saith he it is publikely rumored that the Spaniards will bee here before Easter Tush let not that trouble you saith one of the Companie
it a Butt he might and no way improperly in his small Epitome of Chronicle cal it a Rundlet 5 The Mariage of the Arts. THe Play called The Mariage of the Arts being presented before King Iames at Woodstocke he in regard that it was somewhat tedious and himselfe weary with so long sitting offered twice or thrice to goe away which being obserued by an ingenious Scholler of the other Vniuersity hee writ these verses When Christ-Church showd their mariage to the King Lest that their match should want an offering The King himselfe did offer what I pray He offered twice or thrice to goe away 51. Of a Scholler maried A Scholler having married a yong wife and being still at his booke preferring his serious study before dalliance with her as she was one day wantoning whilest he was reading Sir saith shee I could wish my selfe that I had been made a booke for then you would bee still peering vpon mee and I should never night nor day bee out of your fingers so would I sweet heart answered he so I might chuse what booke to whom she againe answered and what booke would you wish mee to bee marry sweet wife saith he an Almanacke for so I might haue euery yeer a new one 52. An Epitaph THe Lord chiefe Iustice Femming that succeeded Iudge Poppans in his place being both a learned and mercifull Gentleman being deceased a pleasant fellow writ of him this Epitaph Iustice is dead that was of Iustice chiefe Who neuer yet hang'd true man for a theefe Nor ever was condemned for condemning Being borne in England yet he dide a Flemming 53. Of an extraordinary nose A Pleasant fellow meeting a mā in the street with an extraordinarie red nose lookes very earnestly in his face as if he had espied something there which hee wondred at the man askt what it was at which he so gazed to which hee answered friend I haue reuiewed you thus earnestly and for ought I can perceiue me thinkes your eyes are not matches no saith he I pray show a reason why they are not marry saith he because most certainly if they had beene matches your nose by this time would haue set them on fire 54. Two Innekeepers AN Inkeeper of Saffron Walden vsing euery Term cōstātly to one Inne in London the two Hosts grew into a great league of loue friendship together but euer and anon when hee of London was about his businesse or out of the way mine Host of Walden was importunate with his wife to make him a Cuckold which the modest woman at her best opportunity told to her husband what a false friend hee was to him for which he vows reuenge and taking no notice at all what was past The time came that mine Host of Walden was for the Countrey great healths and much protestation of loue there was at their parting But this iniury still sticks in mine host of Londons stomacke A toy takes him in the head in the long vacation he takes his horse rides purposely to see his old friend of Walden and comming neare the Towne he spurres somewhat hard alights in the Inne yard his horse being all of a sweat he cals for an Oftler to walke him vp and downe he was no sooner dismounted but he was espyed by his old friend and familiar acquaintance who runnes to him embraces him and cals out his wife to bid him welcome the woman appeares This is mine host saith he of London which vseth me with kindnesse and respect to whom I am so much bound and whose health I haue drunke and thou hast pledg'd so often now I pray thee Ioane with a kisse bid him welcome into the Countrey The woman in great curtesie offers him her lips whom he scornfully puts by and I pray you good woman are you wife to this man yes said shee for default of a better but I intreat you foole not me saith hee I came to visit this my friend in kindnesse and not to be derided Derided saith she why speake you that I am shee that hath laid by his side this twenty yeares I that she hath I can assure you quoth mine host of Walden But will you tell me that quoth mine host of London of certainty I know this not to bee the woman you were wont to bring to my house to lodge and lay with her Tearme by Tearme I hope I know her if I see her againe nay mine host saith he if you bee such a kinde of fellow here is no staying for mee at which words while the other stood halfe amazed hee leapes vp into the saddle and without mere pause spurres back as fast as hee can to London Mine host of Walden cals after him but in vaine the woman railes he would excuse it but cannot be heard drunkard and whoremaster are the best shee can afford him the house is all in an vproare nor could the man and wife euer be reconciled notwithstanding all his vowes and oathes with the mediation of neighbours and friends till mine host of London thinking himselfe partly reuenged sent vnder his hand and seale that it was but a meere trick put vpon him in requitall of a former iniury 55. Two old Widowes TWo old widowes sitting ouer a Cup of Ale in a Winters night entred into discourse of their dead husbands after the ripping vp of their good and bad qualities saith one of them to her maid I prethee wench reach vs another light for my husbād God rest his soule aboue all things lou'd to see good lights about the house God grant him light euerlasting and I pray you neighbour saith the other let the maid lay on some more Coles or stirre vp the fire for my husband in his life time euer lou'd to see a good fire God grant him fire euerlasting 56. A Horse-stealer A Fellow for stealing of a horse was apprehended arraigned conuicted and executed the question being made why this man was hanged it was answered for stealing a horse Nay saith the other I will assure you no such matter hee was hanged for being taken for had he stolne an hundred and neuer beene taken he might haue beene aliue at this day 57. A Baker ONe being called in question before a Iustice for giuing a Baker ill language now saith the Iustice my friend what say you to this complaint Truely sir said hee the worst words that euer I gaue him was that I held him to bee as honest a man as euer liued by bread 58. A Coachman A Mad fellow a Coachman about the Towne being drunk fell from the seat where he sare and the wheels running ouer him brake one of his legs the anguish of which droue him into a Feuer but being well recouered of them both hee had an humour to goe and proue all the prime Doctors of the Towne and try whether by his water they could tell his profession or his misfortune or the disease that before had troubled him he being then in perfect
I will neuer beleeue it for the Spaniards kill no flesh in Lent 91. A father and his daughter A Father being suspicious of his daughter and of a young man that was a surer to her whom hee did no way affect tooke his daughter to schooling and made her vow vnto him never more to come into his company without asking leaue vpon a time her father sitting by the fire and she hauing notice giuen her that her friend was at the doore to speake with her shee made an exuse to reach something behind her father and as she stooped said father by your leaue marry good leaue haue you daughter saith he which was no sooner spoke but out shee went to her sweet heart and saw her father no more till shee came home a maried wife 92. A letter writ out of the Countrey A Countryman writ a Letter to a friend of his at London after this manner After my hearty commendations hoping in God that you are in good health as I am at the making hereof c. these are to let you vnderstand that at this present I am extremly sicke and much troubled with a quartaine ague in so much that there is small hopes ever to be mine owne man againe And for such a man that hath done mee most violent and dangerous wrongs I doe forgive him with all my heart and soule but if it shall please God I may recouer this sicknesse I will be revenged of him to the utmost of my power though it cost mee all that euer I am or shall be worth thus being loath to trouble you any further I remaine and cease ever to be your louing friend I. F. 93. A lye retorted ONe hearing another in the company tell a lye at least an extreme impossibility all condemned it for a thing that had no appearance of truth no saith one I can tell you as strange a wonder as that walking the other day over the fields and plowed lands it was my fortune to cast mine eye vpon a Hare that was sitting hauing nothing at that time in mine hand and being desirous to kil her sitting still fixing my eyes vpon her I stooped to take vp a clod or stone to fling at her beat out her braines and in that thought stooping to catch vp something I fastned vpon another hare that sate there formed cast her from me and hit the other as shee was rising and brake both their necks and carried them home to supper 94. A Scotchman and his Mistris A Scotchman in the beginning of the spring whē scarce one flowre was seene to bud out of the earth by chance walking to take the ayre cast his eye vpon a Primrose fairly blowne and being about to plucke it he began to consider with himselfe how much more acceptable would this be to my Lady and Mistresse if for the rarenesse thereof she gathered it with her owne faire hand and in this thought he purposed to call her from her Chamber and bring her to the place but fearing lest any one in his absence should find it out hee thought it the safest way to couer it with his hat so he did and goes withall speed to his Ladies Chamber in this interim one comming by that way whether he before obserued him or no I know not but remouing the hatt to see what was vnder it espies the flower and crops it and in the same place he left a Rose of a worse smell behind him couers it with the hat and conueighes himselfe quite out of sight presently after comes the Scotchman leading his Lady by the arme tells her after many complements the rarenesse of the flowre and of his great fortune to finde it and how much more precious shee should make it by plucking it in her owne person Why where is this dainty flower saith she you so much praise and speake of Why here sweet Lady saith he couered with this my Beauer and with curiosity remooving it discouers the thing I spake of still smelling and therefore more offensiue to the smell the Scotchman blushes the Lady railes what he then thought or how her dainty nose tooke it I leaue it to the Readers considerations So dainty was her nose and shee not smell That sent before she came so neere and tell The Scotchman that for recreation She walkt with him so far t is Ladies fashion But flowers she 'de haue none so soone this yeare So might she have ie'rde him and not he her 95. Of a Gentleman that was the first of his house ONe Gentleman obiecting to another that he was the first of his house the other answered that is my honour that thou vpbraidest me with but bee it thy dishonour that thou art likely to bee the last of thine 96. An Empericke and his man A Physician and his man riding a long they perceiued a distance off a great confluence of people assēbled the master desirous to know the reason thereof sends his servant to know the cause and to giue him notice which the fellow did gallopping backe with all the speed he could desires his master if hee loued his life to put spurs to his horse and to prouide for his present safety otherwise he was but a lost man at which the Physitian amazed desired likewise to know the reason of that his man replied Sir the reason of this meeting is to behold the execution of one that hath killed a man now if he were condemned for killing of one what danger are you in that to my knowledge haue beene the death of halfe a hundred at the least 97. Two Country Fellowes Two Country fellowes meeting at an Assizes in the Countrey one askt the other what newes and how many were condemned to suffer the other answered This hath beene the strangest Sessions that ever was in my time I haue not knowne the like for there is no execution at all and is it not worthy observation that so many Iustices should sit on the Bench and not one thought worthy to be hanged 98. A Churchman in his Inne A Churchman being in his Inn and arguing with an high voice fie quoth his curious hostesse Sir why doe you talke so lowd marry sweet Hostesse saith he because I am alowd to talke and so are not you without the consent of your husband 99. An English Gentleman in France AN English Gentleman being in France and hauing exercised himselfe in a dancing schoole had put off his pumps and wiping himselfe with a dry towell was ready to depart at which time enters a French Mounsier and intreated him to put on his pumps againe that he might see him practise the other excused it by reason of his wearines and that by too much heating his body hee might endanger a surfet but the Mounsier from intreaty grew to importunity from importunacy to threats and withall seeing his sword lye a distance from him drawes it and sweares that if he will not presently satisfie him in his request
Goose 161. An honourable Theefe 162. Of S. P. Q. R. 163. An Oppressour 164. A wrie Nose 165. Of vsury 166. A Scholler and a Townsman 167. Of an ignorant fellow 168. An old horse 169. Fire and Toe 170. Borrowing of a Cloake 171. One begd for a foole 172. A Traueller drowned 173. A Knight of Italy 174. A Gentleman boasting of hic Wit 175. A Iustice and a Baud. 176. Of a Citizen and a Gardeners Boy 177 Anold Vicar 178. Two debawsht follewes 179. A lame Horse 180. A Woman and her Husband 181. A Townsman and a Scholler 182. Of fiue Vintners 183. Two striuing for the Wall 184. The answer of a Doctor 185. A Horsecouser 186. A Countrey fellow hunting with the King 187. Women Writers 188. A Country fellow at a Gentlemans Table 189. Of curtaling names 190. A retort betwixt two Gentlemen 190. A Knight and his man 191. A Doctor of Physicke and a Seruing man 192. One that parted a Fray 193. A bargaine in Smithfield 194. An Vsurer dying 195. A Doctor and Scholler To the Booke I Now expose thee little Booke To all that daigne on thee to looke And doe not take mee for a Cooke because professing You haue an Ordinary here For which you shall not pay too deare And yet be seru'd with change of chear and of my dressing Yet tell them they are inuited guests And seldome meet they with such feasts Where nothing is disht in but iests and sauc'd with laughter They shall not meet I dare compare Where Geese Pigs are nothing rare The like in Bartholmews next Fayer nor the day after I wish it may not be your lots Poore Pupes to be rent by sots Or such as will stop Muster pots for that beleeue me Would like a Chandlers greasie fist Who raps his wares in what be list As well in things applaus'd as hist no little grieue me T' were better thou shouldst Critticks meet Whose very lookes will sower what 's sweet Who though they carpe at euery sheet nay page or pagine In sooth I shall not much admire Though they with thee Tobacco fire For so perhaps some may desire as I imagine Much nobler 't is to suffer so By such as something seeme to know But wherefore in such rage to grow I le not compell them So farewell Booke I make thee free To ieere at them that iest at thee Though thou be hurt it harmes not me prethee so tell them Change of Cheare OR A Banquet of Iests 1. Of a Country-man and a Constable A Simple Country-man hauing terme busines in London and being somewhat late abroad in the night was staid by a Constable and somewhat harshly entreated the poore man obseruing how imperiously he commanded him demanded of him what hee was to whom he replyed I am the Constable and this is my Watch. And I pray you sir for whom watch you saith the man marry answered the Constable I watch for the King for the King replyes he againe simply then I beseech you Sr. that I may passe quietly and peaceably by you to my Lodging for I can bring you a certificate from some of my neighbours who are now in towne that I am no such man 2. A casheird Captaine A Captaine in the Low-countries being Casheird and his company conferred vpon another hee grew more priuate and Melancholy and not long after being met by the others Leiftenant was kindly saluted and after other complements demanded why hee was of late so strange to absent himselfe so long from his Captaine who much desired to see him who answered I pray you commend me to your Captaine and tell him he had my pany too late 3. Of a Iustice of Peace and a Horse-stealer A Horse-stealer was brought to bee examined before a Iustice who finding the fellony to be most apparent Well friend saith hee if thou beest not hangd for this fact I le bee hangd for thee I humbly thank your Worship replyed the theefe and when the time comes I desire you that you will not be out of the way 4 The Principall of an House A Pleasant fellow came vnto the Principall of a house and pretending that hee had receiued some iniury by some of the Societie complained vnto him in this manner Sir said hee I have beene abused by a company of Rascals belonging to this House and knowing you to bee Principall I thought good to acquaint you with the businesse and so proceeded c. 5. A Gentleman arrested A Gentleman being arrested and brought before a Country Maior who was by Profession a Tanner being somewhat roughly hanled by the Sergeants and espying an Oxe hide in the place where they stayd him till the Maior was ready to come forth My freinds quoth hee what neede you trouble your selues so much about me when me thinkes you had more neede and it would better become you to brush your Masters Gowne that lyes on the ground 6. A Batchelours answer touching Mariage A Lady obseruing a Gentleman that was a Batchelour much giuen to Melancholy said vnto him truely Sir I am of opinion that you will neuer be truly merry till you bee maried to whom hee answered In troth Madam I am of opinion that I shall neuer laugh till my heart ake till then 7. A Counsellor and his client ONe making a long and tedious speech to a graue Counseliour in the conclusion thereof made an Apology to excuse himselfe for being so troublesome who gaue him this answer I le assure you sir you haue not beene troublesome to me at all for all the time that you were speaking my minde was of another matter 8. Of an Oatemeale-man AN Oatemeale-man a rich fellow fell at some difference with a Comedian about the towne and began to vpbraid him with his profession and according to the small talent of wit hee had came hotly vpon him with the common obiection if saith he all men were of my mind you should keepe your doores shut and find your galleries empty and then you would bee more poore and lesse proud I beleeue it replied the other so if euery man would as I could find in my heart to doe that is to forsweare the eating of Puddings and Pottage who would be more poore and lesse proud then the Oatemeale man 9. A Gentleman and a Barber A Barber comming finnically about a Gentleman was as the most of them are terribly full of talke at length hee found the leisure to aske how hee would bee trimmed Marry my friend replyed the gentleman if thou canst possibly doe it in silence 10. A wager of eating TWo Captaines the one an English mā the other a Dutch man hauing both good stomacks laid a wager which of them at one set dinner should eate most Earnest was giuen and they drew lots which should bespeake their Prouant it fell to the Dutch man who presently went downe into the Kitching and bespoke of the Hostesse of the ordinary a fat Capon and a dozen of Larkes and so
mine honour Wel replyed the Gentleman your Lordship may speake your pleasure but I will assure you and take my word with all the care you haue you shall neuer keepe them 22. One trauelling to Rome A Gentleman of England trauelling with his man to Rome desirous to see all fashions but especially such rarities as were there to bee seene was by the mediation of some friends there resident admitted into the Popes presence to whom his holinesse offered his foote to kisse which the Gentleman did with great submission and reuerence this his man seeing and not before acquanted with the like ceremony presently makes what speed he can to get out of the presence which some of the wayters espying and suspecting his hast stayd him and demanded the cause of his so suddaine speed but the more they importune him the more he prest to be gone but being further vrged he made this short answer truely saith he this is the cause of my feare that if they compell my master being a Gentleman to kisse the Popes foote I feare what part they will make me kisse being but his seruing man 23. A Scholler on horse-backe A Scholler an vnskilful rider being to passe throgh a riuer offred to water his horse before hee rid him in so deepe as to the foote-locke his friend that was with him fearing he would founder him cald vpon him to ride in depeer the other not well vnderstanding his meaning sayd to his friend first stay till hee hath drunke off all this and then I will ride him in farther where hee may haue his belly full 24. A Gentleman and a Citizen A Gentleman a Citizen walking together iust before them went two Aldermen saith the Gentleman to the other there goes a Cuckold at which the Citizen his supposed friend takes exceptions and tells the others what was spoke they make a complaint and bearing him before the Maior the parties appeare witnesse is called the words iustified the Gentleman hee pleades a mistake for saith he I said not by these two wòrthy Citizens there goes a Cuckold but the words that I spake were there goes a couple I was it so saith the Maior if it were no otherwise the matter is answered and I here discharge you the Court. 25. A Clarke of a Church THe Clarke of the Church hauing receiued some discontentment of his Parish grew sullen vppon it and when Sunday came and that hee was to giue out a Psalme he sate still in his seat would not so much as open his lips but being often called vpon and seeing there was no remedie lookt somewhat doggedly vpon the matter sing you may if you please the Psalm of Quicunque Vult whosoeuer will and for his owne part as soone as hee had giuen it out went out of the Church 26. A Cheese-monger A Puritane comming to his neighbour a Cheese-monger to buy a Gossips or groaning Cheese because his wife was ready to lye downe the master of the shop offerd him a taste of that which he seemes best to like who as he put it to his mouth so he put his hat to his eyes and began a long grace which the Cheese-monger seeing nay saith he since you meane in stead of a tast to make a meale out of my cheese I assure you you shall buy none here for I cannot afford it after that waight and measure 27. Of a Doctors man AN old Doctor lying on his deathbed willing to leaue something to a poore simple seruant who had serued him long to doe him some good after his decease wild him to professe Physicke and hee would leaue vnto him certaine prescriptions both to benefit his knowledge and estate amongst others this was the maine that still when hee came to visit any patient he should looke curiously about the roomes what bones he saw scattered either about the Table or the beds side if he found any of fish then he should tell him hee tooke a surfeit of such a kinde of fish as hee might guesse it to bee by the bones and so likewise of Beefe Veale Mutton Capon and Rabbit c. and to iudge by the fragments and reuersions which were more certaine then to presume vpon the disease by the sicke mans water in which he knew he was altogether vnpractised and vnskilfull In processe it so fell out that being sent for to one that was sick of an Impostume and the roome being so cleane swept that he could find no apparent signe in the floore by which hee might coniecture of any certain disease prying at length very curiously beneath his bed hee spide and found a Saddle lie vpon which he came vnto his sicke Patient and seriously told him that hee had now searcht into the nature of his disease for by feeling of his pulse he might well perceiue hee had taken a great surfet by eating of a horse at which the Patient fell into such an extreame laughter that his Impostume broke by which he was suddenly cured and the fellow grew thereby more famous 28. A Boy that cryed fire AN vnhappy boy lying in the streets in a cold winter night cryde fire fire the people lookt out of their Windowes cryde where where marry quoth the Boy I would I knew my selfe for I would gladly warme mee 29. A Countrey fellowes courtesie A Countrey fellow meeting with his friend told him he had beene at London and seen my Lord Maior I but said his friend did he take any notice of thee no faith said he no great notice onely I put off my hat to him and he did his duty to me 30. One with a great Nose A Gentleman with an extraordinary great Nose walking along Cheapside an vnhappy Prentise Boy meeting him makes a sudden stand at which the Gentleman musing made a stand likewise and asked him why hee did not keepe his way to whom the Lad answered Sir I would gladly passe by you but I cannot for your Nose the Gentleman loath to bee too much obserued or to be the occasion of any tumult in the street with one of his fingers put his Nose on the one side and said now youth you may freely passe the way lies plaine before you 31. One that eate of a Beare A Woman hauing eaten of the right side of a Beare which some say makes good Venison tooke a conceit that she had an exceeding great rumbling and rowling in her belly and for remedy sends to aske advise of the Doctour who perswaded her to knock a Mastiffe Dog in the head and eat so much of him and so no doubt but the flesh of him would worry the Beare in her belly 32. An English man at a French Ordinarie AN English man being in France and at a French Ordinary amongst other dishes there were Woodcocks at the Table the English gentlemā somewhat before the time tooke one of the Woodcocks heads and pickt it which one of the Monsters obseruing and thinking with his wit to play vpon him I haue
sullen lade fall too is not his stomacke yet come to him well Ostler take away his Oysters and giue him so many Oates and bring that he scornes to eate hither to mee and see what I can doe with them which was done accordingly by that time the Horse had made an end of his Oates hee had done his Oysters the weather grew faire and he well dryed rode on his iourney 43. A famous Theefe A Famous Theefe frequenting one of our Cities where the Gates were continually shut a nights and not willing to lye in the Suburbs for feare of search or suspition acquainted himself with one of the Porters of one of the Gates and fed him with money that still when he had beene abroad about any exploit that he should be ready to let him in at what houre soeuer and this he vsed a long time till at length being taken arraigned and conuicted for many robberies and great euidences came against him the next day he was brought to the Gallowes where the Sheriffs perswading him still to confesse more and more at length he desired that they would send for this Porter which was done accordingly The poore man came quaking and trembling and the people were in great expectation of some strange thing to be reuealed all thirsting after nouelty By this time the Theefe vpon the ladder spies him and cals him to him the poor Porter in a pitiful fear asks why he sent for him and what he had to say to him To whom the Theefe replyed Troth honest Porter I onely sent for thee to tell thee that if I come not in by this and twelue a Clocke at night doe not tarry vp for me but goe to bed a Gods name and saying no more leapt off the Ladder and with this iest in his mouth was hanged in earnest 44. A young Master of Arts. A Young Master of Art the very next day after the Commencement hauing his course to common place in the Chappell where were diuers that the day before had took their degree tooke his Text out of the eigth Chapter of Iob the words were these we are but of yesterday and know nothing This text saith he doth fitly diuide it selfe into two branches our standing and our vnderstanding our standing in these words wee are but of yesterday our vnderstanding we know nothing 45. A simple Country-man A Simple fellow at an Easter time comming to receiue the Communion the Preacher hauing demanded of him diuerse easie questions and finding him ignorant in all at length askt him how many Commandements there were hee answered hee could not tell The Parson wondring at his sottish ignorance askt him how many hee thought there were Marry I thinke saith he there may be some foure or fiue Yes saith the Parson there are more Why then replyde he there may be seven or eight but if you know better then you had best tell me Why then quoth hee I will There are iust ten At which he laughed and said Nay I thought so and looked for no lesse for sure I was that you being the Parson would bring them to ten because you would keepe the tythe 46. A Courtier ONe of our Scarlet Courtiers comming on a time prancing on a great horse and alighting at the Court gate calls to one that stood by and saith to him I prethee honest fellow whilest I walke into the Court doe so much as hold my horse The man seem'd afraid of the beast and asked him withall if hee was not unruly and that one man might hold him he answered yes very easily Nay then saith hee if it be but one mans worke I would wish you to doe it your selfe for I haue more businesse in hand then walking of horses 47. Two Schollers TWo Schollers of one Colledge in the Vniversitie the one called Paine the other Culpepper were both in fault but Paine in the lesse the other in the greater but when the fault came to bee censured the fault was not lesse then expelling the Colledge but Culpepper the greater delinquent yet finding more friends had his sentence tooke off and liberty to remaine still in the house but the other suffered for example A Master of Art of another house comming to visit a friend of his that was of the Colledge where this was done amōgst other discourse askt what became of the businesse betweene the two Schollers hee told him in briefe how Paine that was in the least fault was punisht and Culpepper in the greater pardoned who instantly replyed Nay then I thinke Ovid did Prophecie of this when hee said Paena perire potest culpa perennis erit 48. Gentlemen at a Taverne TWo or three Gentlemen meeting at a Taverne about some businesse and walking up into a roome two paire of stayres high called for a pint of Wine which being drunke off and they often knocking and calling but none either answering or comming up one of the Gentlemen threw down the pint pot when instantly a drawer comes up with a quart and so left them they following their discourse and drinking to the good successe of the bargaine they were then concluding of the quart pot was likewise soone emptied they knocke againe and call none answering downe goes the quart pot and in a trice comes vp a pottle which after some respite being likewise dispatcht and they ready to call for a reckoning and so to bee gone as vnwilling to enter into further charges they call aloud but none would answer then beat they the pottle pot against the table but none yet answered at length they thundred with such violence that vp comes one of the drawers whom a Gentleman being angry at such slacke attendance meets him at the toppe of the staires and casts him headlong downe to the bottome At which all the rest of his fellowes with the Master of the house beganne to muster vp their selues and comming vp into the Gentlemens roome he demanding the reason of that violence done to his servant one of the Gentlemen answered thus Mine Host we have no way willingly transgrest the customes of your house for we observed that calling for one pint of wine and casting downe the pot you brought vp two then casting downe the quart pot you presented vs with a pottle now sitting here alone and no man regarding vs to bring vs vp a reckoning wee flung one Drawer downe the staires to no other purpose but in hope to haue two at the least to attend vs. 49. A Chronologer ONe of our late Chronologers that succeeded old Mr Iohn Stow and others in his briefe Chronicle speaking of George Duke of Clarence saith he was drowned in a Rundlet of Malmesey and being taxt by a Gentleman that he had mainly falsifyed the History in regard that Hollingshed Speed and others haue delivered to the world that hee was drowned in a whole Butt to which hee answered that hee had no way erred from the truth for if these that writ great and large Histories call
health his water was carried to many and all that saw it concluded that hee that sent it was a sound man but could proceed no further therefore his opinion was that all Physitians were fooles and not one learned man amongst them This being told an ancient graue Doctor that practised about the Citie by one of the Coachmans acquaintance by whom he had vnderstood euery particular before related he wrought with him to perswade the Coachman to bring his water to him which tooke effect But in their iourney towards the Doctor they drinking somewhat hard the Coachmā carrying his vrinall empty pist it full which his friend seeing fie saith hee carry not all this water along for shame poure out halfe at least otherwise he will perceiue we haue beene drinking the Coachman was perswaded and did so On they went and whilst the Coachman staid below his friend went vp to see if the Doctor were at leasure and told him all that past by the way This done the Patient is call'd vp who presents his Vrinal to the Doctor with many a low congee outwardly though scoffing inwardly The Doctor he turnes and tosses the glasse sometimes chafing it against the fire then againe holds it vp to the light at last he breakes into these words I perceiue by this water that hee that made it was a Carter or Carman Truly saith he if it please your Worship you come the nearest of all the Doctors I haue tryed yet and yet you are wide from the marke Wilt thou tell mee that saith the Doctor sure I am he is one that gets his liuing by the whip Therein you are right again answered the other for to tell you true he was a Coachman Very good saith the Doctor now this Carter being drunke fell from his Cart and the wheele ran ouer him and brake his leg You are right in all things sir if you would change the Cart the Carter into the Coach Coachmā Interrupt me not saith the Doctor this Carter breaking his Leg fell after into a dangerous Feuer of which he is since recouered Good your worship Good your Worship no more Carter nor Cart if you loue mee for of my knowledge he was a Coachman and fell from his Coach His Coach saith the Doctor still looking vpon the Vrin I prethee truely resolue me is here all the water that was made No indeed saith the fellow I poured out halfe by the way Nay I thought as much then there went away the other two wheeles saith the Doctor for there cannot bee aboue two contained in this Vrinall The Coachman admires his cunning departs satisfied with his skill saith hee shall haue his custome with all his comrades and vowed onely for his sake to speake well of Doctors euer after 59. A Taylor A Taylor bringing to a Gentleman a bill of extraordinary length because it included many reckonings and altogether despairing of present payment because the party had a present purpose to trauell the Gentleman demands what hee would bate him of the maine bill and hee would pay him downe the rest in ready money ready cash quoth the Taylor being extaside with the very thought I will bate you saith he a full yard City measure and that 's a handfull more take it off in the middle the top or the bottome either of all these three chuse you which 60. A Cheater A Cheater hauing stolne a cup out of a Tauerne and being pursude and taken in the streets there grew on the sudden a great tumult of people and a great confluence was gathered together a ciuill Gentleman passing and seeing another come from thence that had bin at the vproare demanded of him what was the reason of that throng nothing saith hee but that one hath gotten a cup too much alas saith the other nothing else that may bee an honest mans fault and mine as soone as anothers 61. A handsome wench and a Iustice A Handsome wench for some suspicious businesse beeing brought before a Iustice somewhat late in the euening and hee taking compassion of her because shee was faire and seeming modest wisht the man that broght her before him to take her home and lodge her that night and he would heare the businesse more at large in the morning Marry with all my heart saith hee Master Iustice so you will but commit my wife which is now at home to the Counter till the morning 62. A cleanly lye WIll Kempe by a mischance was with a sword run quite through the leg a Country Gentleman comming to visit him asked him how he came by that mischāce he told him and withall troth saith he I receiued this hurt iust eight weekes since and I haue line of it this quarter of a yeare and neuer stirr'd out of my Chamber 63. Gentlemen at an Ordinary CErtaine Gentlemen being in Game at an Ordinary euery one complained of a filthy ranke smel that was amongst them which grew still hotter and hotter in their Noses At length saith one of them iestingly I pray you Gentlemen which of you amongst vs here vseth to weare Socks A Countrey Gentleman one of the company presently answered not I I protest I neuer knew what belongs to them 64. Of a deafe Hostesse A Young Gentleman hauing a deafe hostesse vsed to put many Iests vpon her and one day hauing invited diuers of his friends to dinner and thinking to make them merry taketh a glasse of wine and maketh signes to the good old woman that he dranke to her and saith here Hostesse I will drinke to you and to all your friends namely the Baudes and Whores in Turnebull street to whom she innocently said I thanke you Sir euen with all my heart I know you remember your Mother your Aunt and those good Gentlewomen your sisters 65. Of a Prentice A Young Boy comming out of the Countrey and being new bound Prentice seeing my Lord Maiors show and wondring at the great pompe and state hee rid in I marry saith he now I see what wee must all come too 66. A Spaniard and a Dutchman A Spaniard and a Dutchman meeting in an Inne were appointed to bee bedfellowes the Dutchman went first to bed expecting the other who before hee vncas'd himselfe takes out of his mouth a set of teeth and wiping them laid them in a cleane napkin The Dutchman being still awake began to wonder In the meane time hee takes off his counterfeit haire and showes a head quite bald The other still obserues him Then he takes out an artificiall eye wipes it and layes it by the rest This began to startle the other who by this time had serued off his siluer Nose and then makes towards the bed which the Dutchman seeing leapes out of the bed crying the Deuill the Deuill 67. A great Lords entertainment THe Maior of Exeter entertaining the Earle of Essex in his returne from his first Cales voyage at dinner intreated my Lord to relate vnto him all the passage of the assaulting
he they haue promised mee the lease of the next house that fals To whom one standing by replyed but had it beene my case I should haue petitioned for a house that stood A Mayor in the North A Mayor of a corporation in the North iust vpon the death of Queene Elizabeth to an occasion to assemble his Brethren and to make an Oration what a good Queene they had lost but wished them to take comfort for Pompey was dead and Alexander was dead and all the nine worldlings were dead but none of all these was so good a Queene as shee And moreouer saith he in this as Master Schoole-master calls it where there are no Iustices of peace and that no Officers haue any power but Maiors Coroners and Constables by reason of which many Seabaleroes take their opportunity to commit diuers outrages and mutinies hoping to scape vnpunished but saith he if all other Magistrates will take that strict order that I purpose to doe there shall none of them all haue the least hope of a resurrection 125. A man lying sicke A Man lying very sicke hauing his wife dead not long before one came to him and counselled him to leaue off the cares of this world and to thinke of a better place whither saith hee doe you thinke my wife is gone no doubt said the other by the grace of God but she is in heauen O saith he then I care not whither I goe so I come not where shee is 126. Of one Fowle a Gentleman ONe Fowle by name came vnto a great man in this Kingdome with a petition and hauing beene a long sutor was so importunate that he stirred his patience so farre that in a great rage he bad him get him gone for a Woodcocke as hee was at which the petitioner smiling humbly thankes his Lordship for doing him that present curtesie the Lord turned backe and thinking he had mockt askt him what curtesie to which he answered his Lordship truly my Lord I haue knowne my selfe for a Fowle these fifty yeres and vpwards but never knew what fowle till now that your Lordshippe resolued me his answer pleased the Lord and his suit was dispatcht instantly 127. A Gentleman in an Ordinary A Yong Gentleman late come out of the Countrey and not being well acquainted with London being at an Ordinary amongst many other Gallants to whom he was a meere stranger Gentlemen saith he I must intreat you to take notice of an humour that I haue the truth is if any man offer to touch the bread that I cut and lay by my trencher I presently stabb some smiled others lookt a little strangely vpon the businesse till at length one Gentleman that sate next him beganne thus I intreat you all likewise to take notice of another humour which I haue and it is this I protest when I perceiue any man begin to stab I stab againe and looking him in the face snacht his bread and eate it 128. A Welchman and a Cutpurse A Gentleman that had a Welchman waiting on him came to see a Play and drawing his purse at the doore which was well furnisht with Crownes was watcht by a Cutpurse who dogd him and tooke his seat close by him the Welchman sitting behind his Master obserued that whilst hee was seriously minding the sport the Cheater had cunningly conuayed his purse out of his pocket and was about to rise when presently the Welshman without more words drawes out his knife and with one slash cut off the Cheaters eare who startling at the suddennesse of the act and troubled with the smart lookt behinde him and askt him what hee meant by it The Welchman hauing his eare in his hand answered no harme done good friend no harme done giue hur Master hur purse and I will giue hur hur care 129. A Gentleman and a Parson A Pleasant conceited Gentleman riding by the high way in the companie of some friends spyed a Parson of the Country before him said Gentlemen yonder is a Scholler let vs mend our pace and you shall heare me pose him with a question and after a sleight salutation Master Parson saith hee I pray you can you resolue mee what part of speech is Qui mihi discipulus yes Sir I can saith the parson puer es cupis atque deceri the words are so familiar that I hope they need no Interpreter 130. Of Graue Maurice and Marquesse Spinola IT is reported that when Marquesse Spinola came first with an Army into the Low-Countryes that he sent word to Graue Maurice hee was now come somewhat neerer him and purposed to sit as close vnto him as his Cassocke to his backe to whom hee returned this answer that hee had often knowne when a souldier hath tooke a Merchants Cloake from his shoulders but that a Merchant should plucke off a souldiers Cassock he had seldome heard or neuer 131. Of Bishop Gardiner I Haue read that Bishop Gardiner being deposed in King Edwards dayes and sent to the Tower a fellow meeting him in the way in great derision saluted him with a low Congee and bade him good morrow Bishop Olim whose salutation hee returned in these few words Gramercy knaue semper 132. An vnhappy Vintners Boy TWo Diuines walking along the Towne the end of the Lane which they should passe through was choaked with Carts and the corner thereof being a Tauerne and hauing one doore into the Lane and another into the street they made vse of the present and as they past through the boy at the barre seeing they called for no wine Gentlemen saith he is it your custome to goe thorow a Church and not to say your prayers 133. Playing with words A Diuine willing to play more with words then to be serious in the expounding of his text spake thus in some part of his sermon this Dyall shewes wee must dye all yet notwithstanding all houses are turned into Ale-houses our cares conuerted into cures our Paradice into a paire of Dice our mariage to a merry age our Matrimony to a matter of money our Diuines into dry Vines It was not so in the dayes of Noah Ah no c. 134. Of a Landlord and his Tenant A Tenant had a horse which many times lookt into his Landlords grounds for no hedge nor ditch could stop him but he would still feed where hee saw the best grasse at length the Landlord sent word vnto his Tenant that peremptorily if euer hee tooke his horse in his ground againe he would cut off his taile This word being brought vnto the Tenant hee gaue the messenger this short answer My Landlord saith he may doe his pleasure but tell him againe from me if he cut off his tayle I le cut off his eares The Landlord vpon this menace sueth him and binds him to the peace and good behauiour but whē the cause came to bee decided the Tenant pleaded that his Landlord had much mistaken him for his answer reached no further then thus That if his
perplexity is almost at his wits end but spying a Candle some Bowes shoot before him he makes towards it and within a little space finds himselfe within Debtford there he enquires for a Farrier or a Smith they direct him to his house But Vulcan had got a cup in his pate and was gone to bed he is earnest to haue him rise but the Smith will not by any meanes vnlesse hee will giue him a crowne in hand which is done Vp gets the Smith cals his man to carry a Candle and Lanthorne he tels him all his misfortune by the way and directs him to the place of his distaster intreating him to vse all the art he can in the recouery of his horse being but hyred By this time they come to the sad spectacle the smith lifts at his head his man at the taile but finding no motion giue him ouer as lost The Vintner looking sadly vpon the businesse fetcheth a great sigh and saith whilst I haue beene knocking vp the smith some body hath stolne away my bridle and saddle Back to the Towne goeth he with the Farrier and his man resoluing to sit vp that night and to comfort himselfe with a cup of good Ale to which the Smith brings him where I leaue them potting together and from thence looke backe to Greenwich The morning comes where my late drousie Vintners are fresh and stirring and gallopping through Debtford are spyde by their fift companion who cals after them they wonder to see him there and askt if he had done their commendations to their Wiues hee intreats them to leaue off their iesting and tels them all the former circumstances of his last nights misfortune some laught at him others lament with him according their seuerall humours and with this discourse he on foote and they on horsebacke haue left the Towne a mile behinde them when one of them casting his eye of the one side spyes a horse brideled and sadled browsing on the hedge and saith withall is not that the beast you rid on He dares not acknowledge him That is sure the same Saddle Bridle saith another or very like them but hee hath scarce faith to beleeue it At length all of them agree that both horse furniture are the same but he can hardly be wonne being sure to pay for one to hazzard the danger of stealing another But at length they preuaile with him vp hee mounts the Stirrops fit him and deliuering him at the stable from whence he hyred him is by the owner acknowledged for the same 183. Two striuing for the Wall TWo Gentlemen meeting the one iustled the other from the wall and had almost made him to measure his length in the Kennell who by much a doe hauing recouered himselfe came vp close to him and askt him whether he were in iest or in earnest He told him plainly that what hee did was in earnest And I am very glad you haue told me so for I protest I loue no such iesting saith the other By which words hee put off the quarrell 184. The answer of a Doctor A Worthy Doctor of Cambridge amongst many other charitable deedes done in his life time at his owne charge made a faire causey or high way some mile in length to the great benefit of the Countrey and being one day there in person to visit the labourers and to see how the worke went forward it hapned that a Nobleman riding that way by chance and knowing him gaue him a kinde salutation but withall thinking to breake a iest on him Master Doctor saith hee for all your great charge and paines yet I beleeue not saith hee that this is the high way to Heauen I am of your minde in that my Lord replyed the Doctor for if it were I should haue wondred to haue met your Lordship here 185. A Horsecourser ONe comming into Smithfield on a Friday market call'd to a Horsecourser aloud and said I prethee my friend how goe horses to day To whom hee answered marry as you see some amble some trot and some gallop 186. A Countrey fellow hunting with the King KIng Iames being a hunting and very earnest in his sport a Countrey fellow crost it in so much that the dogs were at a losse At which the King being extreamely angry drew his Skeine and rides after the man with all the speed he possibly can Who perceiuing the King to pursue him in his anger cryed out aloud I beseech your Maiesty to pardon me for I haue no desire to be knighted yet and this hee spoke so often that hee turned the Kings rage into laughter who bid him to ride fast enough and farre enough and bee hang'd for he better deserued a halter then to be knighted 187. Women Writers ONe asking a question why women either all or the most part when they learne to write practise Romane hand It was answered him againe that it stood with great reason for he had neuer heard of any woman that made good Secretary 188. A Country fellow at a Gentlemans Table A Country fellow being admitted to a Gentlemans table fell vpon the Artichokes at lower end and eating the burres was almost choakt saith one that sate nere him friend why are you busie with them so soone being a dish reserued for the last to whom hee answered as well as he could speake Marry I am of your minde for I thinke they are the last dish that ever I shall taste of 189. Of curtaling names A Gallant about this Towne that was admitted into the company of the prime and choicest Gentlemen vsed to curtall their names and onely to call them Robin Will Iack Dick and Tom and being asked why he was so familiar with men of that ranke and quality to giue them no better attributes and titles answered it is my humor and I vow withall that if the King should call mee Iacke I would call him Charles by the grace of God 190. A retort betwixt two Gentlemen A Gentleman whose name was Apollo being very low of stature but richly conceited comming into anothers Chamber whose name was Master Towers and finding him absent who because hee was a big man and looking vpright vsed an affected gate finding paper pen and inke there writ this hexameter Interris habitas sed non in turribus altis The other comming in and knowing the hand sent him the same line with another vnderwritten Die quibus in terris eris mihi magnus Apollo 190. A Knight and his man A Gentleman hauing a Seruingman who vsed still to ride with his head in his bosome for which he had often checkt him but neuer made him reforme it vpon a time riding to a Noblemans house not far of about some vrgent busines whilst the Master was busie with the Lord in his Chamber the Gentlemen had got the man into the Cellar where they had giuen him as much drinke as his skin would hold in the Interim his Master hauing dispath this businesse came suddenly and called his man to get his horse ready which he did in the way home the Master obseruing that contrary to his former custome he rid vpright with his chin almost leuell to his nose askt him the reason why now more then at other times hee rid bolt vpright Marry Sir saith he if you will needs know it is to keepe in my drinke 191. A Doctor of Physicke and a Serving man ONe thinking to put a trick vpon an excellent D. of Physicke had mingled with the water in his Vrinall the powder of a brick batt which settled to the bottom shewes like red grauell that comes from the kidneyes he shewes it to the Doctor and tells him that it was his Masters water who lay in grieuous paine desiring his Worships counsel what would giue him some ease the Dr. chafed it vp and downe and tried it by the fire In conclusion found out the fellowes knauery and cunningly closing with him my friend saith he wouldst thou haue my counsell to preuent this terrible disease which is growing on thy Mr yes sir saith he that was the cause of my comming to your Worship Then tell him replyed the Doctor all that I can prescribe him at this time is that he eate no more Artichokes and at that word broke the Vrinall vpon his pate and so left him 192. One that parted a Fray ONe parting a Fray was cut into the skull and comming to be drest as hee was searching the wound saith he here is a dangerous Orifice your pery-cranium is pierced so that one may plainly see your braines beat I doe not beleeue that saith the patient for had I had any braines at all I should neuer haue beene so mad as to haue come betwixt them to part the Fray 193. A bargaine in Smithfield A Pleasant fellow willing to put off a Lame Horse rid him from the Sunne Taverne within Cripple-gate to the Sunne in Holburne neere to Fullers Rents and the next day offering him to sell him in Smithfield the buyer asking him why he looked so leane Marry no marvell answered hee for but yesterday I rid him from Sunne to Sunne and neuer drew bridle 194. An Vsurer dying AN Vsurer being dead was opened and found without a Heart at which the standers by as well as the Surgeon wondered but none could giue a reason of the Prodegie at length saith one of the Executors it may bee his heart now hee is dead is where it was when he was liuing and looking in his Chest where his money lay they found it there 195. A Doctor and a Scholler A Doctor of the Vniversity being of more standing then learning being at Dinner in the Hall and hearing a fellow Commoner speake lowder thē the rest calls to a Iunior Scholler that waited and said goe to that Gentleman from me and tell him Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur which being delivered him commend me saith hee to M. Doctor and tell him that I say Vir loquitur qui pauca sapit which inversion lest it be iustly asperst on me here I set my period FINIS