her VVrite sonnets on the ivorie tooth afore Swear she does cough distinctly get a rime To bless her when she sneezes and cry up The method of her nose which sweats and falls So perpendicular admire the motion Of her blew eyes that look three ways at once Praise her above thy reason or her daughter And then she will believe thou maist be mad for her Hart. Is this the way to do me good she comes Too fast upon me already Play Let her flie to thee Thou maist clip her wings the sooner this secures thee Should you hold off and play the modest creature Nay but deny as maids do when they love it And bending of your hams cry No forsooth Profess your self with coxcomb-like civility You are not worthy of her carnal favours She may believe it and in very spight Marry her daughter to a Citizen Or should you be so mad to think to win her To your first choice withholding your passions For Mistress Frances complaining how Don Cupid Hath sacrific'd your heart you may go hang your self Go to the Barbers let him firk your hair up And spend his powder wash your sullen face And starch your infant upper-lip to look Like one that would run desperate on a widow Nurse Here 's pretious conspiracie Play This is the way At leasure you may tell your natural Mistress Like Jove you have but put another shape on To cheat the Beldame Juno Nurse Foul-mouth rascal I 'm glad I know your plot Hart. I apprehend th' ast given me good counsel I 'll watch the first occasion to assure I have prefer'd her in my heart already Nurse I 'll conjure up a cross plot and that quickly Shall mar your mirth and pay your fine dissembling Are you so cunning my love gamester Exit Nurse Play So I 'll take my leave then y 'ave no other service To use my stay I have a project Hartwel That must not be neglected Hart. May not communicate Play Thou art ingag'd to wait Upon thine own affair or I should trouble thee To be an actor in 't thou know'st Hornet Hart. He is a sutor to the widow and After the rate we cast the plot my rival Play I 'll rival him he smothers a poor gentlewoman At home with Sea-coal and allowes her no More light then serves to read in painted cloth The exposition of the harlots storie Hartwel I love her and before her Father Dyed we exchang'd our honest hearts 't is here To free her from that slavery she lives in Under the iron-hearted Jaylor else I shall repent my aim he broods upon Her portion but I have a trick may spoil His hatching of young bags thou shalt know all Hereafter to the widow Hartwel I am For state-affairs be faithful and pray for me We must be bold farewell if something hit We 'll laugh in spight of Dives and the Devil Exit Enter Belamy Frances Close Startup Close This is the thing sir that must carry away The garland they have given him a cup or two Of sack and he has the prettiest humour He does so whistle out his complement He wears his feather like the captain of A country team and would become a horse-coller Rarely I do not think but were he put to 't With little switching he would draw the Cart well Star Sweet Lady I am your humble servant 't is well known what I am where I live my father dyed since I was of age and left me a younger brothers portion Bel. A younger brother Star Sweet Lady I know what you would say my father had no more children but I speak modestly of my estate I have land enough for two or three wives I have a horse in Town your daughter shall ride behind me Sweet Lady did you ever see the country Fran. What country sir Star VVhy any country living sweet Lady I am your humble servant if you love hawking hunting or drinking there be good fellows will bear you company Is there any good Tobacco in London Close Virginia-Tobacco grows here Star Sweet sir I am your humble servant you seem to be a gentleman will fetch me a pipe there 's half a piece if I be not troublesome perhaps sweet Lady you do not love it if it offend you let it alone Close A very pretious widgen Star La la la lere Sings and Dances Fran. You dance well sir Nurse He has a strong back I warrant him Star Sweet Lady is this your daughter Close Ask that question now Bel. I was her mother sir Star That may be too what gentleman is that sweet sir I am your humble servant likewise Hart. You are too humble sir to stoop so low It would become my duty Star Sweet sir 't is all one a leg or an arm is not cast away among friends I am a Country-Gentleman all the world knows sweet sir I have no business in Town Bel. I thought you came to see my daughter Star That may be too sweet Lady pray excuse me I honour your fair daughter for I know as well as another what belongs to a gentlewoman she 's not the first sweet Lady I have lov'd i' th' way of Matrimony Hart. Were you ever married Star Sweet sir no all men are not alike Hart. For some are fools Star Sweet sir I do confess it But wit is never good till it be bought They say there are very good wits in Town I have brought money a purpose with me to buy If any will sell me a good pennyworth I 'll give him a hundred pieces because I would carry a little down into the Country Hart. Is there a dearth in your Country Play Sweet sir there 's plenty Close Of wild-oats I heard you had much to sow still Star My Tenants have sweet sir but 't is all one This Lady shall be Lord o' the Soil I wo'nt Give any man six pence for a bushel of mony Close Oh brave sack Star I am a gentleman my Father was a Yeoman But that 's all one sweet Lady howsoever I am yours And every limb is at your service My hands shall walk my feet shall run Fran. Away away Star By this bright gold they shall Close He keeps his oath Star Not run My Grand-father was a Noblemans Footman and Indeed he run his Country my Father did Outrun the Constable Close And he sweet Lady Being his fathers issue must run naturally Star If I live Close He 'll run himself out of all Star Not run Sweet Lady if you have occasion to use me I wo'nt stand upon my feet Fran. No sir Star Nay I 'll stand upon my head sweet Lady To do you courtesie Close Then his heels were upwards Bel. Please you a sorry dinner stays for you Star Sweet Lady I am your servant will this Gentleman dine with us Bel. I 'll prevail with Master Hartwel Close D' ye know what you have done he 's rival Mistress why d' ye mean to invite him Star Sweet sir I invite nobody if
must know this Mistress Star How Hart. My wife sir Close It is enough for you to know her sir And me to acknowledge Coun. D' ye know me sir Star Yes and your daughter too Who brought you to town Coun. And you shall right her Star Is she grown crooked pox on her I know too well Peace not a word more I know your meaning Do not discredit me and we 'll steal down And marry her ere any be aware on 't I wo'not stay to shift me take no leave The jest will be when I am in the Country How like an Ass he 'll look on my apparel Exit Start up and Coun. Enter Servant Ser. Sir Master Lambert and if I be not Mistaken the Usurer Hornet very gallant Just I must entreat your patience a while You 'll meet with friends i' the next room Exeunt manet Justice Enter Lambert and Hornet Lam. Excuse Our boldness sir this gentleman Just I should know him Master Hornet you are very welcome Hor. Good sir No ceremony we are come to you 'Bout business I have lost my Neece and would Know where she is Just D' ye take me for a Wizzard Lam. With your favour our desires are that you would Be witness to a bargain and receive Some trifles sir in trust to be delivered To me if I restore his kinswoman Hor. Not else on that condition I deposite These hundred pieces and a bond if he Deliver me my Neece they are his fraught If not they call me owner Lam. Pardon sir That I presume to bring this trouble to ye Just 'T is none at all Lam. You sha'not expect long So rest you merry Exit Lambert Just How fare you sir Hor. As you see faln away an inch since morning But this will physick me if I possess This harlotry again I 'll make her sure Trust not a woman they have found the herb To open locks not brasen towers can hold 'em Or if they get not loose they have the vertue Of Load stones shut up in a box they 'll draw Customers to 'em nay being dead and buryed There is suspition they will break the grave Which puts so many husbands to the charge Of heavie stones to keep their bad wives under Just You are mov'd Hor. Oh Master Justice you are honest I have been abus'd so miserably cheated I am asham'd to think on 't stay what Musick Musick Ha! 't is my Neece the very very same Enter Lambert and Neece Lam. There sir you have her and the rest is mine Hor. Take it And you shall go along with me Neece How Unkle A reveller you 'll lead me a Coranto Hor. You shall dance homewards Enter Playfair and his Brother Play What make you so familiar with my wife Hor. Ha! wife is she married Bro. 'T is upon record I 'll bring a Parson that shall take his oath on 't Hor. Give me my bond and mony Master Justice Where where Lam. Here but they are not to be recover'd By law I have a judgement sir against you Hor. You have conspir'd to rob cheat and undo me You shall be all 〈◊〉 Chamber'd Neece Sir be calm and hear us Hor. I 'll hear nothing Play Yes you shall It will be necessary I am bold Persuming on her favorit to 〈◊〉 A parcel of three thousand pound the sum Belongs to me by vertue of a marriage And I must have it Hor. Vertue of a marriage Just I saw the Priest conjoyn their hands he will Deserve your love Lam. Perhaps you may continue A thousand or two thousand on security Hor. What persecution this Bro. Faith sir consider 'T is more safe to see her thus bestowed Then trust a Jury if the Doctor had Given her too much Opium or purg'd Her soul away things might go worse but I 'll Keep counsel Hor. So so have ye mortified me yet Lam. For your own sake and as you are a true knight I 'll tell no tales Enter Mistress Bellamy Frances Hartwel and Close Hor. Now have ye done The widow Not a word more take her I 'll pay you sir Three thousand pound to morrow Noble widow You were in the first list to be invited My Neece I told you of is married to This worthy Gentleman Bel. You look like a bridegroom Hor. 'T is in your power to make it good what say you Shall we joyn issue Bel. I will never marry Hor. You are resolv'd why so come hither Nephew Sha't be my heir I love thee for thy wit But charm thy friends they do not laugh at me I 'll be a knight too if I live and build An Hospital for twenty more o' th' Order Which I 'll reduce my self out of the Suburbs In women's petticoats and turn Squires again To Whores or Parasites to Noblemen For want of fit provision Play An excellent Foundation but where 's Startup Lam. Sunk I think Hart. Ne'er conjure for him we are ingrateful to Our bliss for wasting of these pretious minutes Which are so many ages till the Church Hath made us perfect Hor. Is there any more work For the Priest then give you joy beforehand And let us celebrate the day together Close I am glad of your conversion y' are the first Jew that in my remembrance has turn'd Christian Play Walk on to joyes Twixt Love and Fortune now th' accompts are even Hart. A chain of Hearts and the first linck in Heaven Exeunt omnes EPILOGUE THrough many hazards Love hath found a way For Friends to meet good Omen to our Play If love hath brought you hither Gentlemen Love will find out the way to come agen And we dare promise if you rellish these Our Loves shall find out other ways to please T. B. FINIS There is lately Printed two excellent Comedies entituled The Old Couple By Thomas May Esquire The City-Night-Cap or Crede quod habes habes By Robert Davenport Both these with variety of other Playes are to be sold by Samuel Speed at the Printing Press in St. Pauls Church-Yard 1661.
or be drunk too soon And leave our project in the durt Lam. My Lords This fellow's insolence must be corrected Dispose him in what prison you think fit 4 Lord. He 's mad I think Lam. To Bedlam with him then Is this a place for fools and madmen who Admitted him take him away see you He be well whipt and let him thank our mercy Bandog Play I quake already excellent Lambert Cool cool thy lungs and whisper with some Lord Thou wo't be a key too high else good sir Poldavis Master of the house at whose cost we are Entertained Pol. My part is rotten In my head doubt not Enter Pursivant Play Is he come Pur. He waits at the first chamber Play Then let the Lutes Begin and then admit him Enter Hornet Hor. Here 's revelling my purse must be squeez'd for 't That 's the King the rest are bare how supple they are I' th' hams that Courtier has oyled his joynts He looks this way they point at me a rot O'th at knaves finger 2 Lord. What fellow 's this who waits Pur. It was his Graces pleasure he was sent for 2 Lord. My good Lord. 4 Lord. My Lord of Noland as you were saying Lam. Is this the man whom you so much commended for his abilities Hor. I smell no good from that word ability Lam. Discreet and read i' th' Common-wealth a man Fit for employment in some Embassie Pol. The very same Lam. His countenance is promising Pol. If the King Of Spain had but his head that politick head I know who might go fish for the Low-Countries Lam. His garments are but course Pol. His mind is rich Hor. They praise me I am a thousand pounds the worse Lam. Kneel down thy name Hor. Gyles Hornet your poor creature Lam. We 'll knight him Hor. I do beseech you sir to spare this honour I am not able to maintain my self There be more Knights then can live well already Pol. Neglect his favour Lam. Be it your care To give his body more becoming ornaments He shall be like himself then we will confer More honours on him 4 Lord Do you make haste his Grace Will have you new thatch'd you must have rich cloaths Fitting your state and honourable title Hor. These will be good enough for me 'las I am not able 4 Lord. Nay you must have them from his Wardrobe sir They 'll cost you nothing you 'll not look in these Like a poor Knight of Windsore Lam. Where be the Ladies and the Bride Pol. She 's your Graces handmaid they Are dancing sir within Lam. Direct us to 'em prethee VVhen he is ready give us knowledge Flourish Exeunt 4 Lord. Yes sir Hor. VVhat will become of me 4 Lord. You were best prepare Your cloaths will be here presently the King VVill send to you before y' are ready cast Your old skin off do you not to save sheets And trouble wrap your self anights i' th' blankets Chare they asham'd to shew the linings Hor. Hum if this be but a preparative for a whipping VVhat case am I in Enter Servant with cloaths 4 Lord. VVell said now they are come Be nimble now and help to strip him Hor. 'Las must I wear this doublet it would yeild Heaven knows how much to burn 4 Lord. You may be desperate VVhen 't is on and burn your body with it sir Hor. I sha'not know my self Ser. Fit as 't were made sir Enter Playfaire Play Which is sir Gyles Hor. I am not Knighted yet Play You have your grace and may be call'd so Hor. Have I the grace to be a Knight I am the man you please to call sir Gyles Play Then I congratulate your happy fortune Y' are like to be exalted his Grace talks Much on you I 'll be proud to be your servant Sir Robert a word Hor. VVhat gentleman is this Ser. The Bridegroom sir in great favour I can tell you And new created by his Highness Baron Of Landskip his living is far off Hor. My very good Lord my breeches are almost on Ser. Here be your keys Hor. His Majesty has pleas'd to shine upon A piece of barren earth Play You are too modest The King hath been informed sir Gyles you are One of the ablest men in his Dominions Should vertue still be cloath'd in rags advance it To honour and regard you waste your brain At home in cheap and low engagements sweat Your soul out for a poor and paltry living Old houses let 'em fall to the dull Lord O' th' Manner switch me up a town together Or meddle not this and that strading Acre Not worth your care study some Monopoly May sweep the Kingdom at a stroak despise A project will not bring in half the City Find out a way to forfeit all the Charters Have an exchequer of your own and keep The Princes round about in pension These are becoming businesses and speak a States-man Hor. You do talk strange things my Lord So now my keys good gentlemen my keys 4 Lord. You have 'em sir Hor. Cry mercy Play They are things Material to our business 4 Lord. And we 'll have 'em again Let me alone the Barbour has not done yet When he 's i' th' suds we may be more familiar With 's worships pocket and return 'em quaintly Play I will account it one of my felicities To be a witness of your honour sir Hor. Oh my good Lord of Landskip Ser. How shall we dispose of these 4 Lord. The Hangman will not have 'em and I fear They will corrupt the well faith give 'em stable-room The are dung already Enter 1 Lord. 1 Lord. My Lord the King asks for you good sir Gyles 't is so decreed write me i' th' number of your faithful friends Play We must attend 4 Lord. Do not yet say he 's ready The Barber has a duty to dispatch He will be an hour a rubbing washing powdering Then I 'll attend him to his presence Play We shall excuse him so long still your servant Exit Playfaire and 1 Lord. 4 Lord. The Barber sir attends in the next room Hor. I wo'not shave 4 Lord. He fears his throat Hor. I never Give above three pence 4 Lord. Talk not you of charge You have but yet your welcome do not you Think good sir Gyles but we can shave you too Exeunt Enter Close and Startup Star Where is he Close Close I told him sir You lay in a chamber o' the t'other side The house whither he 's gone with his sword drawn And curses of themselves able to kill you You did affront him once and now his Mistress Has quite neglected him for your love he thinks He 'll make you an example to all rivals I 'll bring your cloaths t' ye after yet your fear And running sir will keep you warm enough Star Honest Close thou hast sav'd my life Close Death is he not behind you this way good sir Exeunt Enter Nurse and Mistress Frances Nurse Have you not made