his Birth he said The Nobility of thy Family ends with thee but the Nobility of mine begins with me XVIII To another Metellus by name who asked him what his Father was he made this return 'T would be much more difficult says he to guess who was thy Father Which struck home Metellus his Mother having a wanton Character XIX A late Orator got his Hair cut off in order to wear a Wig which did so strangely alter his Countenance that his nearest Friends could scarce know him again Being imploy'd to open a Conference which he did to admiration a Friend of his told him after the Conference Sir I knew you again only by your Eloquence AVTHORS I. CICERO to express what Advantage he reaped from reading of good Authors has these Words Soleo saepe in aliena Castra transire non tanquam Profuga sed tanquam Explorator II. Pura Impuritas is the Character Lipsius gives of Petronius Pura in reference to the Style Impuritas meaning the obscene Discourses that are in it III. An Author making a System of the World and having spent many whole Days about it Remember says a Friend of his unto him that when God created the World he rested the seventh Day IV. Isaac Vossius intertaining one Day Monsieur de Sorbiere at Dinner pressed him to drink telling him that Sorberius came à Sorbendo V. An Author's House being on fire whilst he was poring on his Books he called to his Wife and bad her look to it You know says he I don't concern my self with the Houshold VI. When Varillas his History of Heresies came out his very Friends found many Flaws in it Which made one of them tell him between Jest and Earnest that he had writ a Book full of Heresies VII Dr. Heylin a noted Author amongst us especially for his Cosmography hapned to lose his Way going to Oxford in the Forest of Whichwood Being then attended by one of his Brother's Men the Man earnestly intreated him to lead the Way till he had brought him past the Wood to the open Fields But the Doctor telling him he could not tell which Way to lead him Strange said the Fellow that you who made a Book of the whole World cannot so much as find your Way out of this Wood. VIII The French Book called Les Origines de la Langue Françoise and written by Monsieur Menage being mentioned to Queen Christina Menage says she is a Man who will not only know whence a Word comes but whether it goes IX One having writ a Book in order to publish it sent it first to a competent Judg to peruse it and have his Opinion of it Who having perused the same told him his Opinion was that he should leave out one Half and suppress the other X. Another being come to wait on a Learned Man in the Winter Season and sitting with him by the Fire pulled a Copy out of his Pocket which he intended for the Press and begged of him to cast his Eye upon it Who having read some Pages over but finding little or nothing in 't fit for the Publick held the Book to the Fire saying Sir if you please we may bring it to Light presently and you will find this the best way to gratify the Publick XI A Gentleman telling an Author that he was reduced to live upon the Muses Milk That cannot be reply'd the Author being the Muses are Virgins and therefore without Milk unless you have prostituted them XII In the Year 1665 the French Academy were very busy in settling the Gender of a Comet some being for the Masculine and others for the Feminine Gender At last starts up one of their Members saying To what purpose is all this Debate when the Comet now to be seen may easily determine the Point 'T is but looking adds he under its Tail XIII An Author having found but one Fault of the Printer's in a Book of his finished at the Press was in a quandary whether he should make it Errata or Erratum But a Friend of his told him Let me but peruse the Book I warrant you I shall find another Fault and that will make it Errata XIV A French Author in an Epigram of his against a Maker of Anagrams expresses thus the Pains he takes to find Words in Words Evisceratis Verba quaerit in Verbis XV. Daniel Heinsius loved Drinking which discomposed him sometimes for his Lectures After one of his drinking Bouts some unlucky Students pasted up these Words over the Door of his Lecture-Room Daniel Heinsius non leget hodie propter hesternam Crapulam XVI To one saying that Tertullian's Style is Dark it was answered that it is like Ebony full of glorious Darkness XVII Monsieur Vaugelas having obtained a Pension from the late French King by the Mediation of Cardinal Richelieu the Cardinal told him I hope Sir you will not forget the word Pension in your Dictionary No my Lord answered Vaugelas neither will I forget the Word Gratitude XVIII A famous Member of the French Academy being gone to the Academy took the Abbot Furetiere's Place whom he had had no Kindness for Some time after he said reflecting upon Furetiere Here 's a Place Gentlemen where I am like to come out with a thousand Impertinencies Go on answered Furetiere there 's one out already POETS I. PHiloxenes a Greek Poet having been condemned by Dionysius the Tyrant to work in the Quarries for not approving some Verses of his making the Tyrant released him to shew him some new Verses of his And as he had a great Ambition to pass for a good Poet so he did not doubt but the Releasing of Philoxenes would induce him to give his Approbation to this his Trial of Skill But he was much surprised when the Poet hearing his new Verses cry'd out Let me go back again to the Quarry II. Another Poet who had often presented Augustus with Verses to his Praise the Emperor in a jocose humour told him one Day that it was but just he should make him some Return for his Verses and at the same time presented him with an Epigram he had made Which being read by the Poet he presently pulled a Purse out of his Pocket in which were some Pieces of Gold This he presented to the Emperor telling him that he wished he had a better Present to make him in Return of his fine Verses Thus he cunningly insinuated to the Emperor that a Poet ought not to be paid by a Prince in his own Coyn and Augustus was so pleased with the Fancy that the Poet fared much the better for it afterwards III. Pontanus having made an Enigm upon a Hole in this following Verse Dic mihi quid majus fiat quo pluria demas Scriverius answered extempore Pontano demas Carmina major erit IV. When Mary Stuart was Wife to King Francis I this Verse was made upon her Jure Scotos Gallos Thalamo Spe possidet Anglos V. An Italian Poet having offered a
Delight and Pastime OR Pleasant Diversion FOR Both Sexes Consisting of Good History and Morality Witty Jests Smart Repartees and Pleasant Fancies free from Obscene and Prophane Expressions too frequent in other Works of this kind whereby the Age is corrupted in a great measure and Youth inflamed to Loose and Wanton Thoughts This Collection may serve to frame their Minds to such Flashes of WIT as may be agreeable to Civil and Genteel CONVERSATION By G. M. LONDON Printed for J. Sprint at the Bell and G. Conyers at the Gold-Ring in Little-Britain over-against the Sugar-Loaf 1697. Price 1 s. TO The Honourable EDWARD IRBY Esq Eldest Son of ANTHONY and Grandson to the Most Worthy Knight Sir ANTHONY IRBY both Deceased The Heir and greatest Hopes of his Illustrious Family This MISCELLANY Of Wise and Ingenious Sayings c. Is humbly Dedicated By the Author TO THE READER THE Design of this MISCELLANY is both to Instruct and Divert The Instructive Part consisting of Wise and Ingenious Sayings carries along with it a great deal of good History and Morality In which Sayings the ancient Greeks whilst Learning flourished amongst them excelled to admiration The Diverting Part made up of witty Jests smart Repartees and pleasant Fancies Intermixt with the former and most of 'em above the strain of popular Wit aims at nothing but Innocent Mirth being free from obscene and prophane Expressions too frequent in other Works of this kind Whereby the Age is corrupted in a great measure and Youth inflamed to loose and wanton Thoughts Whereas this Collection may serve to frame their Minds to such Flashes of Wit as may be agreeable to civil and genteel Conversation The Epitaphs I own to be for the most part extracted out of Cambden's Remains but so culled and sifted from the rest that you have here the choicest only Some of 'em of a serious and others of a merry strain some Latin and others English Thus you have here Honestum Utile Jucundum useful Morality and witty Diversion The whole reduced under proper Heads not huddled up confusedly together as are commonly other Works of this nature The Contents OF Princes Pag. 1 Popes Pag. 15 Cardinals Pag. 18 Bishops Pag. 21 Statesmen and Courtiers Pag. 26 Magistrates Pag. 39 Ladies Pag. 43 Love and Gallantry Pag. 47 Roman Priests Jesuits and Monks Pag. 49 Lawyers Pag. 58 Physicians Pag. 61 Orators and Philosophers Pag. 63 Authors Pag. 69 Poets Pag. 74 Painters and Pictures Pag. 79 Scholars Pag. 81 War Officers and Souldiers Pag. 83 Tradesmen and Countrymen Pag. 87 Masters and Servants Pag. 91 Marry'd Men and Women Pag. 95 Dying Men and Women Pag. 102 Buryings Pag. 107 Epitaphs Pag. 110 POSTSCRIPT Pag. 135 LICENSED March 12. 1693 4. Edward Cooke MISCELLANEA OR Wise and Ingenious Sayings c. Of PRINCES I. GREAT was the Freedom the ancient Greeks took with their Princes even to the Reproach of their Vices and some of these were wise enough not to take it ill Witness the Story of a Grecian Lady and PHILIP King of Macedon Which King newly risen from Table his Head intoxicated with the Liquor he had drunk wronged the Lady in a Concern she brought before him Whereupon she appealed from his Judgment To whom said the King To Philip reply'd she when Sober This made him Recollect himself and upon due Consideration finding himself in the wrong he altered his Judgment in the Lady's behalf II. The same King having some Courtiers about him who endeavoured to perswade him to punish a Man of great Worth as having spoken ill of him I must first examine says he whether I have deserved it or not At last he found that the Party had never receiv'd any Favour from him thô he highly deserved it Upon which he sent him great Presents and 't was not long before he heard that the same Man spoke much to his Praise You see then said the King to the same Courtiers that I know better than you do how to silence Detraction To which he added that Princes had it in their Power to get the Love of their Subjects when they pleased and if they were not beloved 't was their own Fault III. PHILIP contending with an able Musician about an Air 'T were great pity said the Musician to him that you should be so Vnhappy as to know this better than I do A proper Lesson for Men in Dignity not to affect excelling in some sorts of Knowledg IV. King Philip's Wife Mother of Alexander the Great hearing that her Son called himself the Son of Jupiter and was worshipped as a God did put a shrewd Jeer upon him For she sent him word and pray'd him not to bring her into Trouble with the Goddess Juno V. ALEXANDER being at Delphos to consult the Oracle forced Apollo's Priestess into the Temple upon an unlawful Day She cry'd out and made what Resistance she could but in vain At last says she to Alexander Thou art Invincible This Oracle answered he will serve my Turn and so let her go Thus the Priestess's Words extorted by his Violence passed for an Oracle VI. Darius King of Persia having offered his Daughter with half his Kingdom to ALEXANDER Parmenio his Favourite told him Were I Alexander I would accept of Darius his Offer So would I replied Alexander if I were Parmenio VII When ALEXANDER lay dying some of his Courtiers asked him where he had laid up his Treasures You will find them says he in my Friends Purses Whereby he insinuated that he had got no Treasures but what he had freely as fast as he had got them disposed of amongst his Friends and that he did not question but they would supply therewith one another when Occasion served VIII King ANTIGONVS having made a strict League with the Athenians they offered one of his Servants the Freedom of their City By no means said the King I will not suffer him to accept of that Honour lest that being some Day or other in a Passion I should be so unhappy as to beat an Athenian IX King PIRRHVS having twice overcome the Romans and finding his Army much weakned by such Victories I am undone says he if I get a third Victory X. Dionysius Tyrant of Syracusa was a Prince who freely ridiculed the Superstition and Idolatry which reigned in his Time amongst the Greeks He was for making use of those Offerings that were made to the Idols which they had no Occasion for The Cloak of Gold which Hieron sent to the Statue of Jupiter Olympius he took and gave instead of it one made of Wool saying That a Cloak of Gold was both too cold in Winter and too warm in Summer Aesculapius his Statue had a Beard of Gold which he clipt off saying That it was not decent for the Son to have a Beard being his Father Apollo had none XI Dionysius had a Son who had violated a Lady of Syracusa Upon which he asked him with an angry Look whether he had ever heard that in
Caius and Caesar not of Caius Caesar and Bibulus II. So ambitious were the Romans of the Consulship that when Maximus died on the last Day of his Caninius petition'd that he might fill up as Consul the remaining part of that Day Upon which Tully made this witty Jest O vigilantem Consulem qui toto Consulatus sui tempore somnum Oculos non vidit O watchful Consul who did not shut his Eyes all the time of his Consulship III. Cato the Censor being asked how it came to pass that he had no Statue erected in his Honour who had so well deserved of the Common-wealth I had rather says he have this Question asked me than why I had one erected IV. Fabricius a Roman Consul upon the Offer made to him by King Pyrrhus his Physician to get him poisoned sent him back his Physician with these words Learn O thou King to make a better Choice both of thy Friends and Foes V. Clodius being to be tried for his Life by Roman Judges whom he had bribed with Money to get him off they desired a Guard to secure them so that the Trial might be free and undisturbed But Clodius being acquitted one Catulus made this Reflexion upon them What made you says he so eager for a Convoy Were you afraid to be robbed of the Money you had of Clodius VI. After the Reduction of Paris to Henry IV a Mareschal of France formerly against the King was bribed into a Submission to him The Provost of Merchants of that City having newly made his Submission in the Name of the City the said Mareschal told him that we ought to render unto Caesar the Things that are Caesar's My Lord said the Provost we must render it not sell it reflecting upon the Mareschal as a Man bought off out of Rebellion into his Allegiance VII No less Ingenious was the Answer of a Lord Mayor to our King James I. Who being displeased with the City for refusing to lend him a Sum of Money he required threatned that he would remove his Court with all the Records of the Tower and the Courts of Judicature to another Place with farther Expressions of his Indignation Your Majesty answered the Lord Mayor calmly may do what you please therein and your City of London will still prove dutiful but she comforts her self with the Thoughts that Your Majesty will leave the Thames behind you Whereby he gave the King to understand that as long as the Thames should run before the City of London it could not fail of flourishing by the Advantage of Trade whatever Disadvantages it lay under on his Majesty's Side VIII Witty but perhaps too Jocose for his Circumstances was the Answer of Sir Thomas Moor Lord Chancellor in the Reign of Henry VIII Who being committed to the Tower by the King would not suffer his Hair or Beard to be cut And being asked the Reason of it The King and I says he are at Law about my Head and I will be at no Charge to set it off till I know at whose Disposal it must be IX The Lord Bacon before his great Preferment received a Visit from Queen Elizabeth in a Country-house lately built by him What made you said the Queen to him build your House so little Madam answered he to the Queen I do not build it too little but 't is Your Majesty that made me too great for my House An ingenious Answer expressing in few Words both his Modesty and Gratitude X. When the Doge of Genoua came not long since in Person to the French Court with Submissions from the Republick little sutable to a Sovereign State being at Versailles and viewing the Magnificence thereof he was asked by one of the Court What he thought in it most worthy his Admiration To see my self here answered the Doge very pat LADIES I. A Lady used constantly to wait upon another at the beginning of every Year to know what Age they must go for that Year II. A Lady of wonderful Beauty telling another It was a wonder to see her received this handsom Return And when I see you Madam I may say I see a Miracle III. One that had a Petticoat extravagantly dawbed with Gold and Silver was wittily asked What Goldsmith had made her Peticoat IV. It was the way of the late Q. Christina of Sweden to appear always in a Justaucor and a Wig. When she came to Fontainebleau a Country Palace of the French King several Court-Ladies come to wait on Her Majesty stept to salute her with a Kiss The Queen not liking of it dropt these words What Passion transports these Ladies to kiss me thus Is it because I look like a young Man V. A Grandee of Spain having a Collar on of the Order of the Golden Fleece which the Prince's Favour not his own Merit had procured took particular Notice of a sparkling Diamond a Court-Lady wore upon one of her Fingers and said he had rather have the Ring than the Lady But she fitted him as well For having over-heard it she presently made this Return upon him And I should rather chuse the Halter than the Horse meaning him by the Horse and by the Halter his Collar VI. An Author holding a fair Lady with both his hands she got it off from ' em Upon which a Gentleman that stood by told him Sir 't is the finest Piece of Work that ever came out of your hands VII A Gentleman leading a Lady by the hand she told him he held her too fast Madam reply'd he I 'le lay with your Ladyship that before we part you will hold me as fast She laid to the contrary And whilst they were stepping into a Room the Gentleman made as if his foot slipt which made her hold him fast by the hand to keep him from falling And then she owned that she lost the Wager VIII A Lady in company with a Gentleman fell discoursing about the Influences of the Month of May when not only the Earth but all Creatures living upon it find themselves revived by the Sun's Heat After a pretty long Discourse on this Subject I dare trust my Honesty said she to the Gentleman all other Months of the Year which I dare not in May. IX The Place of a Maid of Honour said one is very Ticklish and difficult to keep X. A Curtizan of Rome took place in a Church near a vertuous Lady Who no sooner knew her but she removed to another place The Curtizan observing it Why should you Madam remove thus for my sake said she to the Lady my Infirmity never proves catching but to such as desire it XI A Spanish Lady reading in a French Romance a long Conversation betwixt two Lovers What a deal of Wit says the Lady is here ill bestowed They were together and they were alone XII A French Lady of great Wit jeering another in a Company where a Friend of this Lady was her Friend took her part and made the best of her But the first
Tradesmen left their Shops the Merchants their Business the Lawyers their Clients and the Physicians their Patients to hear him But he that preached there the next Year after settled Things in so a good Posture that none of them forsook their Imployments XVII Such a one might be that Preacher who so tired his Auditory with a Sermon he made upon Bliss or Happiness that one told him after Sermon Sir you forgot one part of Happiness happy are they that did not hear your Sermon XVIII Another having divided his Text into 22 Heads one of his Hearers went out of Church in great haste And being asked where he went To fetch my Night-Cap says he for I find we shall lie here to Night XIX A Preacher whose Sermons no body cared to hear intreated a Friend of his to come to hear him But he begged his Excuse saying that he was loth to disturb him in his Solitude XX. Another who had not the luck to please his Auditors He did better last Year said one How can that be said another for he did not preach at all In that very Thing he did better reply'd the first XXI Another preaching at Paris to a few Hearers gave occasion for one to say that he preached sede vacante Something like unto it is the Saying of one concerning a Professor who read his Lectures alone that he was Vox clamantis in Deserto XXII One speaking of a Preacher whom he heard at a great distance He spoke said he with his Hand and I heard him with my Eyes XXIII Of two Preachers one had a Faculty of making a great Noise in the Pulpit Who passing his Verdict upon himself and the other He preaches says he very well and I very loud XXIV A Learned Man of the Roman Church comparing the Way of Preaching of the Antient Fathers of the Church with that of our Modern Preachers said The Ancient Fathers preached with Zeal and Learning whereas in our Days we admire most a good Memory and a great Stock of Confidence XXV A Friar observing from the Pulpit a Woman babbling with another checked her openly for it Being nettled at it up she starts and cries to the Friar again Marry Sir I beshrew his Heart that babbles most of us two I did but whisper a Word with my Neighbour here and thou hast babbled there a good large hour XXVI During the Tumults in Paris in 1649 the seditious Party were called Frondeurs that is Slingers These in 52 put Straw upon their Hats to distinguish themselves from the opposite Party who wore Paper A Canon preaching at that time to the Bernardine Monks had the lucky hit to apply these Words of Joh to the Straw-Party In stipulam versi sunt Lapides fundae the Sling-stones are converted into Straw XXVII A Roman Catholick confessing to a Priest that he had drunk very hard after Absolution pulled some Money out of his Pocket to present his Confessor with Who refused it saying You had best keep your Money to drink XXVIII Another so strangely given to Swearing that he could scarce speak three Words together without rapping an Oath confessed that nothing was more frequent with him than to say The Devil take me Whereupon the Confessor told him how wicked and dangerous such an Expression was and did so terrify him that he broke out into these Words The Devil take me if I swear any more XXIX A beautiful young Lady of Spain being at Confession the Priest charmed with her Beauty and desirous to get her Acquaintance askt her her Name But the Lady unwilling to satisfy his wanton Curiosity checked him in these few Words Father said she to him my Name is not a Sin XXX A Monk having quitted his Order made his Address for Relief to Maurice Prince of Orange The Prince asked him Cujus causâ hûc venisti Religionis said the Monk His Highness asked him again Religio cujus Generis Faeminini reply'd the Monk Ergo added the Prince tu hûc venisti propter Genus faemininum Which was a hint to the Monk how sensible Prince Maurice was that the Conversion of most Monks is very much liable to suspicion and that their turning Protestants do's too often proceed from a loose Principle more than a true Sense of Religion LAWYERS I. AN eminent Counsellor at Law being asked why he took upon him so many bad Causes being so good a Lawyer I have says he been cast in so many good Causes and got the better in so many bad ones that I am to seek which to chuse II. Lysias having given his Plea to his adverse Party to peruse this read it three times and gave his Thoughts of it in these Words The first time says he I read it I liked it well the second time not so well and the third not at all Then reply'd Lysias it will pass for the Court will hear it but once III. A Counsellor blind of one Eye pleading at the Bar with his Spectacles on said he would produce nothing but what was ad Rem to the Point Then said the adverse Party you must take out one Glass of your Spectacles which indeed was Insignificant IV. Another ill-favoured Counsellor who had but half a Nose left could not read audibly a Writing that was relating to his Plea One of the Judges who had a well-sized Nose called for Spectacles to help him to read Sir said the Counsellor being nettled at it I hope if I get Spectacles you will lend me your Nose to clap 'em on V. One whose way was to read all his Pleas having done Reading another stood up against him Who was so often interrupted by the first that he told him at last Sir by your favour I let you Read a whole hour without Interruption pray let me plead quietly one half Hour VI. An Advocate of Toulouse in France called Adam made the President all his Speeches except one he ventured to make in Adam's absence Which when the President delivered he was so puzzled with it that it made one of the Assistant Judges cry out Vbi es Adam where art thou Adam VII A Pick-pocket in France being taken in the Fact at a Court of Judicature was immediately brought before the Court to answer the Charge and as the way is there had Counsel allowed him and appointed by the Court for his Defence Whereupon his Counsel took him aside and asked him if he had pickt any Man's Pocket 'T is true enough says he Hold your tongue reply'd the Counsel and follow my Advice Go thy ways and make thy Escape with full speed No sooner said but done And whilst the Delinquent took his Opportunity his Counsel came gravely to the Bar again The Court asked him what he had to say in his Client's Defence Gentlemen says he he has freely owned to me the Matter of Fact But he being under no Guard and I appointed his Counsel by the Court I thought the best Counsel I could give him was to make his escape
V. Upon Execution-Days it was the Way of a Gentleman to send out his Footmen to see the Execution and that he called sending them to School VI. A Man of Quality intertaining at Dinner several Persons of his Rank one of his principal Servants did something that did not please him for which he gave him a Check before all the Company in Words to this purpose You little know says he how to carry your self as you ought Sir reply'd the Servant how should I know better that never lived from you VII A Gentleman being gone to wait upon another one of his Servants told him There was no speaking to his Master he being in a secret Rapture with his Lady VIII A diligent Lackey come all in a muck-sweat to his Master told him Sir I made all the haste I could You need say no more reply'd his Master for I smell it out very well IX A Gentleman in Company with others said he knew not an honest Man and strenuously maintained his Proposition which some of the Company took offence at Whilst they were hot upon this Debate a Servant of the Gentleman in whose House they were came to tell his Master there was an honest Man below who desired to speak to him An honest Man said his Master how do you know that you Rascal Upon which words he gave him a blow with his Cane Do you pretend to be more knowing than that Gentleman who says he knows not so much as one honest Man The Blow was given and the Servant cried out amain But to quiet him his Master gave him a Crown-piece MARRY'D MEN AND WOMEN I. A Man lookt upon to be Rich but very much Indebted courted a good Fortune and got her Some Days before their Marriage he used this Stratagem to smother the Reflexions he expected upon the account of his Debts Being in the House of his future Mother-in-Law he walkt one day wrapt up with his Cloak in a melancholy posture Upon sight whereof she fearing he was out of Order asked him several times What was the Matter with him To which he answered as often Nothing Soon after he was marry'd his Mother-in-Law seeing what she little expected a Crowd of Creditors with him Son saith she you have deceived me You may remember Madam if you please reply'd the Son-in-Law how often I answered Nothing when you asked me before I marry'd What was the Matter with me II. An old rich Counsellor had only one Daughter courted by a young proper and handsom Gentleman but sunk in his Fortune Who to raise himself in the World made it his Business to compass this Lady with her Father's Consent But the Meanness of his Estate and her Father's Covetousness must needs be two great Obstacles However he found a way by his Industry to bring his Design about Having got the Lady's good Will he goes one Day with a good Fee to her Father in order to have his Advice He told him how the Case stood with him but concealed the Party The Counsellor pleased with the Fee advised him to Marry the Lady privately and offered to give him a Note under his Hand to a Parson of his acquaintance that should Marry them with all speed and secrecy The Business was done accordingly and the young Couple were marry'd Which done he brought his Wife to ask her Father's Blessing Who was not a little surprised but pleased at last with the Stratagem III. A Lady unmarried who had two Sisters the elder married to a Duke and the younger going to be marry'd to another Duke was not a little vexed to see her self as she said between two Stools the Breech on the Ground IV. A vertuous Lady being desired by another to tell her what Method she took to preserve her Husband's Affection to her I make it says she my Business to please him in every Thing and to bear patiently whatever comes amiss from him V. Another being asked in a scornful manner what Portion she had brought to her Husband What you never had answered she and that is Chastity VI. A Man seeing his Wife often whispering in the Ear of a Gentleman desired to know what it was I defy you answered she to guess for we speak good Things of you VII A Gentleman having got his Wife a Beauty convicted of Adultery sent her to a Monastery and in her place took a Concubine Which being discoursed of in Company one said If the Gentleman had such a fancy to a Whore he needed not to have parted with his Wife VIII Pisistratus being resolved upon a second Match his Children asked him whether it was for any Discontent he had received from them Far from that reply'd he for I am so well satisfy'd with your Carriage to me that I am willing to have more Children of so good a Temper IX A Gentleman being resolved to Marry because forsooth he wanted Company anights and had no body to speak to a Woman was brought unto him in these Words Sir here 's one that will keep you talking X. Another Married in the Morning was so little affected with it that he forgot it before Night and was a going to lie at his old Lodging had not his Man remembred him of his Spouse XI A Lady had a Husband very kind and complaisant to her but that he never minded the sublime Pleasures of a conjugal Life She complained of this to her own Relations and they to him But they speaking of it only in general Terms he said he wondered at his Wife's Dissatisfaction sure he was that he never denied her any Thing she desired Upon this her Relations were fain to come to the Point and to tell him down-right the Cause of her Discontent She is to blame answered her Husband for she never asked me for that she so much wants And they replying that those things are usually granted without asking he made this Return That Thing says he is little worth which is not worth asking XII A French Countess being married to one whom she had no Love for they were fain at last to part and live asunder The Countess after some time changed her Religion and being asked the Reason of it I changed said she that I may not meet my Husband in the next World XIII A Minister having married a couple of his Friends told them afterwards in Merriment that if they could not agree they should come to him again and he would unmarry them It was not long before Dissentions arose between them and they went both to the Minister in order to be divorced Who asked them which of the two had the greatest Desire to leave the other For says he I married you till Death does you part and before you can be parted I must dispatch one of you XIV If Adam asked one were still living how could he Marry again all Women being come from him in a strait Line XV. A marry'd Man suspected of Impotency met with another who had often jeered him about
those about him Don't think said he that I renounce to the Christian Faith 'T is not the Letter I speak of but the Musick XXVI A Friend of mine going beyond Sea and desiring me at parting to take a place in his Album Amicorum I writ down this Greek Verse of Homer 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 That is We must make much of a Friend while he is with us and let him go when he thinks fit XXVII A Gentlewoman complaining that she catched Cold whenever she went abroad to buy Things in the Shops because they lay open and exposed to the Air an Acquaintance of hers advised her Never to go thither but on Sundays and Holy Days XXVIII One seeking for a Lodging met with a Friend of his and asked him whether his Landlord's House was very lightsom or not I have answered his Friend lodged there several Years but always went out so early and came home so very late that I could never see Day-light in it XXIX Another being forced to find a Citizen's Security and at a loss how to get it offered instead of it a Security and a she Citizen XXX 'T is said of one who never eat at home and railed at every one that he never opened his Mouth but at the Cost of others XXXI A dignified Clergyman having invited several of his Friends to Dinner upon a Fish-day his Purveyor told him he had been in the Market and that there was no Fish left but one Salmon which was kept for a Judge Whereupon his Master gave him a Bag of Money bad him go back and buy the Salmon and the Judge XXXII Two Gentlemen being together one that could not go without a Stick as the other could not read without Spectacles the first seeing the other take up his Spectacles to read Rather says he to him than make use of Spectacles I should chuse to forbear Reading And I reply'd the other rather than go with a Stick I should forbear going XXXIII In Montagne's Book of Expences there was this Article amongst others Item for my lazy Temper 1000 Livers XXXIV A Man having dreamt that he was eating of a new-laid Egg went to an Interpreter of Dreams to know the Meaning of it Who told him the White of the Egg signify'd Silver and the Yolk Gold so that he must prepare himself for a good Chance And 't was not long before he had a Windfal which brought him both Silver and Gold He went to thank the Interpreter and presented him with a piece of Silver But the Interpreter who loved the Yolk better than the White of an Egg did not forget to put him in mind of it Nil ne de Vitello XXXV A Person of Quality owed a Gentleman a Thousand Pounds Meeting together in a fair Road where both their Coaches went a good rate the first looking out of the Coach called to the Gentleman and begged a thousand Excuses And I beg said the Gentleman presently a thousand Pounds XXXVI To one asking why a lean Person is apter than a fat one to Love this Reason was given Because a lean Person 's Heart being nearer for want of Flesh is more easily wrought upon XXXVII If you ask why borrowed Books seldom return to their Owners this is the Reason one gives for it Because 't is easier to keep 'em than what is in them XXXVIII A Gentleman riding an unruly Horse the Horse capered and kicked and the Rider unwilling to yield whipt and spurred him as fast One that stood by bad him have more Wit Another to whom the Fact was related I know the Story says he but 't was not to the Rider he spoke 't was to the Horse XXXIX One that had a stinking Breath fell a singing before Company The Words are very good said one of the Company but the Air is naught XL. A Minister in Languedoc made a Walk of Mulberry-Trees before his Church Door and every Year made Money of the Leaves thereof for the use of Silkworms After some Years he bestowed the Money upon the Reparations of the Portico with this Inscription upon it MORI LVCRVM XLI The first time Dr. Casaubon went into the Sorbonne before it was rebuilt he was told concerning the Hall that it had served four hundred Years for Disputations Ay but says he was there ever any Decision made in it XLII Upon an Eclipse of the Sun which hapned some Years since a Gentleman went to give a Lady of great Quality a Visit who asked him What News abroad The Sun says he Madam plays at bo-peep XLIII A Gentleman speaking of the Houses of Paris said They were so very high that they hindered the Prospect of the City XLIV In the Gallery of Versailles there are long Forms of massy Silver so that many Men together can't lift one up Upon sight whereof the Embassadors of Siam said it was a very good way to secure them from Thieves XLV Cardinal du Perron had a Brother who was an Hermaphrodite When he was born the Midwife explained the Case thus to the Mother Your Son says she is a Girl and your Daughter a Boy XLVI Few People know the Meaning ing of these five Vowels A E I O U thus placed in the Arch of the Emperor's Palace of Vienna Where they were put in it seems to signify Austriacorum Est Imperare Orbi Universo XLVII A Lacedemonian being asked by one of the chief of Athens but a wicked Man who was the best Man at Lacedemon made him this severe Return He is the best Man there says he that is least like unto thee XLVIII An Italian Priest called il Piovano Arlotto famous for witty Repartees being come to Naples went to pay his Respects to King Alphonso then reigning Who being informed that he kept a Book of the most noted Errours of the chief Men of his Time Sovereign Princes not excepted asked Messer Piovano whether or no he was in his Book I 'le see answered Piovano who by the King's Order went and fetched the Book Being returned he shewed the King the Place of the Book he was in with these Words Errour committed by Alphonso King of Naples in sending a German belonging to his Court into Germany with 12000 Florins of Gold to buy Horses for His Majesty Upon sight whereof the King asked him wherein lay the Errour In trusting the German with such a Sum of Money answered Piovano But if he comes back with the Horses repli'd the King or brings me my Money again what then Messer Piovano Then says he I 'le put your Name out of my Book and write the German instead on 't Which Answer the King was so well pleased with that he sent home Piovano with Presents after he had intertained him for some time at his Court. XLIX A Monk going to Preach some Leagues off went to Dinner at a poor Country-Priest's House who had neither Bread nor Wine good enough for him The Monk sent out to buy better with some other Provisions And as he was ready to sit at Table he came out with a fine Service of Silver-gilt enamelled Which so dazzled the Priest that he asked the Monk whether he had made his Vow of Poverty Do you question it said the Monk Then reply'd the Priest You and I could make a good honest Monk for you made the Vow of Poverty and I observe it L. The Duke of Ossuna being Viceroy of Naples went on a great Holy-day to view the King of Spain's Galleys in order to set some Slaves at Liberty according to his Privilege He asked several of them what Crime had brought them to their slavish Condition And all pretended to be Innocent but one who freely owned all his Crimes and confessed that he deserved a much severer Punishment Away with this wicked Man said the Duke lest he should pervert all those good Men of his Gang. Thus the Galley-Slave by his ingenuous Confession got his Liberty whilst the rest were ridiculed for want of Ingenuity LI. A Grandee of Spain being desirous to have a good Scholar with him to converse with a Friend of his presented him one Whom he asked presently whether he could make Verses You shall judge of it My Lord said the Scholar by what I have done and brought him the next day a great Bundle of Spanish Verses of all sorts Upon sight whereof the Grandee told his Friend that Man was not fit for him And his Friend asking the Reason of it I confess answered the Grandee that I count him Ignorant who can make no manner of Verses but that Man sure is a great Fool for having made so many as he shewed me A pleasant Satyr against all professed Poets I mean such as make it their whole Business to make Verses LII Two Brothers lodging together who were very like one another and had the same Name a Gentleman desired to speak to one of them Which of them said one of the Servants The Counsellor said the Gentleman They are both Counsellors answered the Servant He that Squints They squint both He that is Married That they are both He that has a handsom Wife They are both handsom 'T is then he that is a Cuckold By my Troth Sir I think they are both Cuckolds Well then said the Gentleman these two Brothers are the most like that ever I heard of LIII A Princess of great Wit came in a Province where the Ladies came tâ— pay her their Respects Finding little in their Converse that deserved her Attention and being howeveâ— willing to keep 'em in Discourse sâ—â— asked a young Lady of the Towâ— where she was how many Children she had I have three Madam answered the young Lady Not long after the Princess taken up with other Thoughts asked her again the same Question To which the young Lady made this smart Repartee I have not Madam been brought to Bed since you first asked me the Question and so I have still but three Which free and pleasant Answer as it quickened the Princess's Attention so she ever since had the greater esteem and love for the Lady FINIS