Lady must be a Venus for she has got a Cupid in her Family 'T is a wondrous pretty Boy Leanthe starts and stares at him but a very Comical Boy What the Devil does he stare at Lean. Oh Heav'n's is the Object real or are my eyes false Is that Roebuck or am I Leantbe I am afraid he 's not the same and too sure I 'm not my self Weeps Roeb. What offence cou'd such pretty Innocence commit to deserve a punishment to make you cry Lean. Oh Sir a wondrous offence Roeb. What was it my Child Lean. I prick'd my Finger with a Pin till I made it bleed Roeb. Such little Boys as you shou'd have a care of sharp things Lean. Indeed Sir we ought for it prick'd me so deep that the sore went to my very heart Roeb. Poor Boy here 's a plaister for your sore Finger Gives him Gold Lean. Sir you had best keep it for a sore Finger returns it Roeb. O' my Conscience the Boy 's witty but not very wise in returning Gold Come come you shall take it Forces it upon him and kisses him Lean. That 's the fitter cure for my sore Finger The same dear Lips still Oh that the Tongue within them were as true aside Roeb. By Heavens this Boy has the softest pair of Lips I ever tasted I ne're found before that Ladys kiss'd their Pages but now if this Rogue were not too young I shou'd suspect he were before-hand with me I gad I must kiss him again Come you shall take the Money Kisses Lean. Oh how he bribes me into Bribery But what must I do whit this Money Sir Roeb. You must get a little mistress and treat her with it Lean. Sir I have one Mistress already and they say no man can serve two Masters much less two Mistresses How many Mistresses have you pray Roeb. Umh I gad the Boy has pos'd me How many Child Why let me see There was Mrs. Mary Mrs. Margaret Mrs. Lucy Mrs. Susan Mrs. Judy and so forth to the number of five and twenty or thereabouts Lean. Oh ye Powers and did you love 'em all Roeb. Yes desperately I wou'd have drank and fought for any one of ' em I have sworn and ly'd to every one of 'em and have lain with 'em all That 's for your Encouragement Boy Learn betimes Youth young Plants shou'd be water'd Your Smock face was made for a Chamber Utensil Lean. And did not one escape ye Roeb. Yes one did the Devil take her Lean. What don't you love her then Roeb. No faith but I bear her an amorous grudge still something between Love and spight I cou'd kill her with kindness Lean. I don't believe it Sir you cou'd not be so hard-hearted sure Her honourable Passion I think shou'd please you best Roeb. O Child Boys of your age are continually reading Romances filling your Heads with that old bombast of Love and Honour But when you come to my years you 'll understand better things Lean. And must I be a false treacherous Villain when I come to your years Sir Is Falshood and Perjury essential to the perfect state of manhood Roeb. Pshaw Children and old men always talk thus foolishly you understand nothing Boy Lean. Yes Sir I have been in Love and much more than you I perceive Roeb. It appears then that there 's no service in the World so educating to a Boy as a Ladies By Jove this Spark may be older than I imagin Hark ye Sir do you never pull of your Ladies Shoes and Stockins Do you never reach her the Pincushion Do you never sit on her bed-side and sing to her ha Come tell me that 's my good Boy Makes much of him Lean. Yes I do sing her asleep sometimes Roeb. But do you never waken her again Lean. No but I constantly wake my self my rest 's always disturbed by Visions of the Devil Roeb. Who wou'd imagin now that this young shaver cou'd dream of a Woman so soon But what Songs does your Lady delight in most Lean. Passionate ones Sir I 'll sing you one of 'em if you 'll stay Roeb. With all my heart my little Cherubim The Rogue is fond of shewing his parts Come begin A SONG Set by Mr. Richardson How bless'd are Lovers in diguise Like Gods they see As I do thee Unseen by human Eyes Expos'd to view I 'm hid from you I 'm alter'd yet the same The dark conceals me Love reveals me Love which lights me by its Flame 2. Were you not false you me wou'd know For tho' your Eyes Cou'd not devise Your heart had told you so Your heart wou'd beat With eager heat And me by Sympathy wou'd find True Love might see One chang'd like me False Love is only blind Roeb. Oh my little Angel in voice and shape Kisses her I cou'd wish my self a Female for thy sake Lean. You 're much better as you are for my sake Aside Roeb. Or if thou wert a Woman I wou'd Lean. What wou'd you Marry me wou'd you marry me Roeb. Marry you Child No no I love you too well for that you shou'd not have my hand but all my Body at once But to our business Is your Lady at home Lean. My Lady What bus'ness have you with my Lady pray Sir Roeb. Don't ask Questions You know Mr. Lovewell Lean. Yes very well He 's my great Friend and one I wou'd serve above all the World but his Sister Roeb. His Sister Ha! that gives me a twinge for my Sin Pray Mr. Page was Leanthe well when you left her Lean. No Sir but wondrous melancholy by the departure of a dear Friend of hers to another World Roeb. Oh that was the person mention'd in her Letter whose departure occasion'd your departure for England Lean. That was the occasion of my coming too sure Sir Oh 't was a dear Friend to me the loss makes me weep Roeb. Poor tender-hearted Creature But I still find there was not a word of me Pray good Boy let your Mistress know here 's one to wait on her Lean. Your business is from Mr. Lovewell I suppose Sir Roeb. Yes yes Lean. Then I 'll go Exit Roeb. I 've thrown my cast and am fairly in for't But an 't I an impudent Dog Had I as much Gold in my Breeches as Brass in my Face I durst attempt a whole Nunnery This Lady is a reputed Vertue of Good Fortune and Quality I am a Rakehelly Rascal not worth a Groat and without any further Ceremony am going to Debauch her But hold She does not know that I 'm this Rakehelly Rascal and I know that she 's a Woman one of eighteen too Beautiful Witty O' my Conscience upon second thoughts I am not so very Impudent neither Now as to my management I 'll first try the whining Addresses and see if she 'll bleed in the soft Vein Enter Lucinda Luc. Have you any business with me Sir Roeb. Thus look'd the forbidden Fruit luscious and tempting 'T is ripe and
Effects Gentlemen good Effects D' ye think to make a Fool of me I 'm a Bookseller no Poet. 2 Bail Ay Sir we know what you are by your Fools Cap there 1 Bail Yes one of you Wits wou'd have pass'd upon us for a Corn-cutter yesterday and was so like one we had almost believed him Hauls him Pam. Why Gentlemen Gentlemen Officers have a little Patience and Mr. Lyrick will come up Stairs 1 Bail No no Mr. Lyrick shall go down Stairs He wou'd have us wait till some Friends come into rescue him Ah these Wits are Devilish Cunning. Exit hauling Pamphlet Enter Lyrick Mockmode and Club Lyrick dress'd Lyr. Ha ha ha Very Poetical Faith a good Plot for a Play Mr. Mockmode a Bookseller bound in Calves-Leather Ha ha ha How they walk'd along like the three Volumes of the English Rogue squeez'd together on a shelf Mock What was it what was it Mr. Lyrick Lyr. Why I am a States man Sir I can't but laugh to think how they 'll spunge the sheet before the Errata be blotted out and then how he 'll hamper the Dogs for false Imprisonment Mock But pray what was the matter Mr. Lyrick Lyr. Nothing Sir but a Shurking Bookseller that ow'd me about Forty Guinea's for a few lines He wou'd have put me off so I sent for a couple of Bull-Dogs and Arrested him Mock Oh Lord Mr. Lyrick Honesty 's quite out of doors 't is a rare thing to find a man that 's a true Friend a true Friend is a rare thing indeed Mr. Lyrick will you be my Friend I only want that Accomplishment I have got a Mistress a Dancing and Fencing-Master and now I want only a Friend to be a fine Gentleman Lyr. Have you never had a Friend Sir Mock Yes a very honest fellow our Friendship commenc'd in the College-Cellar and we lov'd one another like two Brothers till we unluckily fell out afterwards at a Game at Tables Lyr. I find then that neither of ye lost by the fet Aside But my short acquaintance can't recommend me to such a Trust. Mock Pshaw Acquaintance You must be a man of Honour as you 're a Poet Sir Lyr. But what use wou'd you make of a Friend Sir Mock Only to tell my Secreets too and be my Second Now Sir a Wit must be best to keep a Secret because what you say to one's prejudice will be thought malice Then you must have a Devilish deal of Courage by your Heroick Writing But know that I alone am King of Me. Heav'ns sure the Author of that Line must be a plaguy stout fellow it makes me Valiant as Hector when I read it Lyr. Sir we stick to what we write as little as Divines to what they preach Besides Sir there are other qualifications requisite in a Friend he must lend you Money Now Sir I can't be that Friend for I want forty Guinea's Mock Sir I can lend you fifty upon good security 'T was the last word my Father spoke on his Death-bed that I shou'd never lend Money without security Lyr. Fie Sir Security from a Friend and a Man of Honour by his Profession too Mock By the Universe that 's true you are my Friend Then I 'll tell you a Secret They whisper Club. Now will this plaguy Wit turn my Nose out of Joynt I was my Master's Friend before tho' I never found the knack of borowing Money tho' I have receiv'd some marks of his Friendship some sound drubs about the Head and Shoulders or so I have been bound for him too in the Stocks for his breaking Windows very often Lyr. Mr. Mockmode you may be impos'd upon I wou'd see this Lady you court I know Mr. Lovewell has a Mistress nam'd Lucinda but that she lodges in this house I much doubt Mock Impos'd upon That 's very Comical Ha ha ha you shall see Sir come Pray Sir you 're my Friend Lyr. Nay pray Indeed Sir I beg your They Complement for the door Pardon you 're a ' Squire Sir Mock Zauns Sir you lie I 'm not a Fool I 'll take an affront from no man Draw Sir Draws Club. Draw Sir I gad I 'll put his Nose out of joynt now Lyr. Unequal numbers Gentlemen Club. I 'm only my Master's Friend his Second or so Sir Lyr. What 's the matter noble Squire Mock You lie again Sir Zauns draw strikes him with his sword Lyr. Ha! a blow Essex a blow yet I will be calm Club. Zoons draw Sir Strikes him Lyr. Oh patience Heaven Thou art my Friend still Mock You lie Sir Lyr. Then thou art a Traytor Tyant Monster Mock Zauns Sir you 're a Son of a Whore and a Rascal Club. A Scribler Lyr. Ah ah That stings home Scribler Mock Ay Scribler Ballad-maker Lyr. Nay then I and the Gods will fight it with ye all Draws Enter Roebuck drunk and singing France ne're will comply Till her Claret run dry Then let 's pull away to defeat her He hinders the Peace Who refuses this Glass And deserves to be hang'd for a Traytor Now my Mirmydons fall on I have taken off the odds Dub a dub dub a dub to the Battle Sings Zoons Gentlemen why don't ye fight Blood fight Oblige me so far to fight a little I long to see a little sport Lyr. Sir I scorn to shew sport to any man puts up Mock And so do I by the Universe Club. And I by the Universe Lyr. I shall take another time Exit Roeb. Here Rascal take your Chopping-knife gives Club his Sword and bring me a Joynt of that Coward 's flesh for your Masters Supper Fly Dog Takes him by the Nose Club. Auh This fellow's likeliest to put my Nose out of joint Roeb. Now Sir tell me how you durst be a Coward Mock Coward Sir I 'm a Man of a great Estate Sir I have five thousand Acres of as good fighting ground as any in England good Terrafirma Sir Coward Sir Have a care what you say Sir My Father was a Parliament Man Sir and I was bred at the College Sir Roeb. Oh then I know your Genealogy your Father was a Senior-Fellow and your Mother was an Air-pump You were suckl'd by Platonick Idea's and you have some of your Mothers Milk in your Nose yet Mock Form the Proposition by Mode and Figure Sir Roeb. I told you so Blow your Nose Child and have a care of dirting your Philosophical slabbering-bib Mock What d' ye mean Sir Roeb. Your starch'd Band set by Mode and Figure Sir Mock Band Sir This fellow 's blind Drunk I wear a Cravat Sir Roeb. Then set a good face upon the matter Throw off Childishness and Folly with your hanging-sleeves Now you have left the University learn learn Mock This fellow 's an Atheist by the Universe I 'll take notice of him and inform against him for being Drunk Pray Sir what 's your Name Roeb. My name by the Lord I have forgot Stay I shall think on 't by and by Mock Zauns
forget your own Name your memory must be very short Sir Roeb Ay so it seems for I was but Christen'd this morning and I have forgot it already Mock Was your Worship then Turk or Jew before I knew he was some damn'd bloody Dog Aside Roeb. Sir I have been Turk or Jew rather since for I have got a plaguy heathenish Name Pox on 't Oh! now I have it Mo Mock mo Mockmode Mock Mockmode Mockmode Sir Pray how do you spell it Roeb Go you to your A B C. you came last from the University Mock Sir I 'm call'd Mockmode What Family are you of Sir Roeb. What Family are you of Sir Mock Of Mockmode-Hall in Shropshire Roeb. Then I 'm of the same I believe I fancy Sir that you and I are near Relations Mock Relations Sir There are but two Families my Fathers who is now dead and his Brothers Colonel Peaceable Mockmode Roeb. Ay ay the very same Colonel Peaceable Is not he Colonel of Militia Mock Yes Sir Roeb. And was not he High-Sheriff of the County last year Mock The very same Sir Roeb. The very same I 'm of that Family And your Father dy'd about let me see Mock About half a year ago Roeb. Exactly By the same token you got drunk at a Hunting-match that very day seven-night he was buri'd Mock This fellow 's a Witch But it looks very strange that you shou'd be Christen'd this morning I 'm sure your Godfathers had a plaguy deal to answer for Roeb. Oh Sir I 'm of age to answer for my self Mock One wou'd not think so y 're so forgetful 'T is two and twenty years since I was Christen'd and I can remember my name still Roeb. Come we 'll take a Glass of Wine and that will clear our understanding We 'll remember our friends Mock You must excuse me Sir This is some Sharper Aside Roeb. Nay prithee Cousin good Cousin Mockmode one Glass I know you are an honest fellow We must remember our Relations in the Country indeed Sir Mock Oh Sir you 're so short of memory you can never call 'em to mind You have forgot your self Sir Mockmode is a Heathenish Name Sir and all that Sir And so I beg your pardon Sir Exit Roeb. Now were I Lawyer enough by that little enquiry into that fellow's Concerns I cou'd bring in a false Deed to cheat him of his Estate Enter Brush Where the Devil is thy Master You said I shou'd find him here Brush 'T is impossible for you or me or any body to find him Roeb. Why Brush Because he has lost himself The Devil has made a Juglers Ball of him I believe He 's here now then Presto pass in an instant He has got some damn'd bus'ness to day in hand Roeb. Ay so it seems I must be Squire Mockmode and court an honourable Mistress in the Devils name Well let my sober thinking Friend plot on and lay Traps to catch Futurity I 'm for holding fast the present I have got about twenty Guinea's in my Pocket and whilst they last the Devil take George if he thinks of Futurity I 'll go hand in hand with Fortune She is an honest giddy reeling Punk My Head her Wheel turn round and so we both are drunk Exit reeling The End of the Third ACT. ACT IV. SCENE Lucinda's House Enter Leanthe and Pindress following with Paper of Sweetmeats in her hand Pind. HEre here Page your Lady has sent you some Sweet-meats but indeed you shan't have 'em till you hire me Lean. She sent sower Sauce when she made you the Bearer Aside Pind. Prithee now what makes you constantly so melancholy Come you must be merry and shall be merry I 'll get you some Play-things Lean. I believe you want Play-things more than I. But I wou'd be private Pindress Pindress Well my Child I 'll be private with you Boys and Girls shou'd still be private together and we may be as retir'd as we please for my Mistress is reading in her Closet and all the Servants are below But what Concerns have you I 'm sure such a little Boy can have no great bus'ness in private Lean. I will try thee for once Aside Yes Mrs. Pindress I have great inclination Pin. To what To do what Sir Don't name it 'T is all in vain you shan't do it you need not ask it Lean. Only to kiss you Kisses her Pen. Oh fie Sir Indeed I 'll none of your kisses Take it back again Kisses him Is it not the taste of the Sweet-meats very pretty about my Lips Lean. Oh hang your liquorish Chaps you 'd fain be licking your Lips I find that Pin. Indeed Mr. Page I won't pay you the Kisses you won from me last night at Cross-purposes and you shan't think to keep my Pawn neither Pray give me my Hungary-bottle As I hope to be sav'd I will have my Hungary-bottle Rummaging him I 'm stronger than you I 'll carry you in and throw you upon the bed and take it from you Takes him up in her Arms Lean. Help help I shall be ravish'd Help help Enter Lucinda Luc. What 's the matter Oh bless me Pin. Oh dear Madam this unlucky Boy had almost spoil'd me Did not your Ladiship hear me cry I shou'd be ravish'd I was so weak I cou'd not resist the little strong Rogue he whipt me up in his arms like a Baby and had not your Ladiship come in Luc. What Sirrah wou'd you debauch my Maid you little Cock-Sparrow must you be Billing too I have a great mind to make her whip you Sirrah Pind. Oh dear Madam let me do 't I 'll take him into the Room and I will so chastise him Luc. But do you think you 'll be able Pindress I 'll send one of the Men to help you Pind. No no Madam I cou'd manage him with one hand See here Madam Takes him in her arms and is running away Luc. Hold hold Is this you that the little strong Rogue had almost Ravish'd He snatch'd you up in his arms like a Baby Ah Pindress Pindress I see y' are very weak indeed Are not you asham'd Girl to debauch my little Boy Pin. Your Ladyship gave me orders to make him merry and divert his melancholy and I know no better way than to teize him a little I 'm afraid the Boy is troubl'd with the Rickets and a little shaking Madam wou'd do him some good Lean. I 'm tir'd with impertinence and have other bus'ness to mind Aside Exit Pin. I hope your Ladyship entertains no ill opinion of my Virtue Luc. Truly I don't know what to think on 't but I 've so good an opionion of your sense as to believe you wou'd not play the fool with a Child Pind. W'ere all subject to playing the fool if you continue your Resolution in marrying of the first man that asks you the Question Luc. No my mind 's chang'd I 'll never marry any Man Pind. I dare swear that resolution breaks sooner
for a Beau Mr. Bullock Lyrick A Poet. Mr. Johnson Phamphlet A Bookseller Mr Haynes Rigadoon A Dancing-Master Mr Haynes Nimblewrist A Fencing-Master Mr. Ashton Club. Servant to Mockmode Mr. Pinkethman Brush Servant to Lovewell Mr. Fairbank WOMEN Lucinda A Lady of considerable Fortune Mrs. Rogers Leanthe Sister to Lovewell in love with Roebuck and disguis'd as Lucinda's Page Mrs. Maria Alison Trudge Whore to Roebuck Mrs. Mills Bullfinch Landlady to Mockmode Lyrick and Trudge Mrs. Powell Pindress Attendant and Confident to Lucinda Mrs. Moor. Bailiffs Beggar Porter Masques and Attendants SCENE LONDON Love and a Bottle ACT I. SCENE Lincolns-Inn-Fields Enter Roebuck in Riding habit Solus repeating the following Line THUS far our Arms have with Success been Crown'd Heroically spoken faith of a fellow that has not one farthing in his Pocket If I have one Penny to buy a Halter withal in my present necessity may I be hang'd tho I 'm reduc'd to a fair way of obtaining one methodically very soon if Robbery or Theft will purchase the Gallows But hold Can't I rob honourably by turning Soldier Enter a Cripple begging Crip. One farthing to the poor old Soldier for the Lord's sake Roeb. Ha! a glimpse of Damnation just as a Man is entering into sin is no great policy of the Devil But how long did you bear Arms friend Crip. Five years an 't please you Sir Roeb. And how long has that honourable Crutch born you Crip. Fifteen Sir Roeb. Very pretty Five year a Soldier and Fifteen a Beggar This is Hell right an age of Damnation for a momentary offence Thy condition fellow is preferable to mine the merciful Bullet more kind than thy ungrateful Country has given thee a Debenter in thy broken Leg from which thou canst draw a more plentiful maintenance than I from all my Limbs in perfection Prethee friend why wouldst thou beg of me Dost think I 'm rich Crip. No Sir and therefore I believe you charitable Your warm fellows are so far above the sense of our Misery that they can't pitty us and I have always found it by sad experience as needless to beg of a rich Man as a Clergyman Our greatest Benefactors the brave Officers are all disbanded and must now turn Beggars like my self and so Times are very hard Sir Roeb. What are the Soldiers more charitable than the Clergy Crip. Ay Sir A Captain will say Dam'me and give me Six-pence and a Parson shall whine out God bless me and give me not a farthing Now I think the Officers Blessing much the best Roeb. Are the Beau's never compassionate Crip. The great full Wigs they wear stop their Ears so close that they can't hear us and if they shou'd they never have any farthings about 'em Roeb. Then I am a Beau friend therefore pray leave me Begging from a generous Soul that has not to bestow is more tormenting than Robbery to a Miser in his abundance Prethee friend be thou charitable for once I beg only the favour which rich friends bestow a little Advice I am as poor as thou art and am designing to turn Soldier Crip. No no Sir See what an honourable Post I am forc'd to stand to My Rags are scarecrows sufficient to frighten any one from the Field rather turn bird of prey at home Shewing his Crutch Roeb. Grammercy old Devil I find Hell has its Pimps of the poorer sort as well as of the wealthy I fancy friend thou hast got a Cloven-foot instead of a broken Leg. 'T is a hard Case that a Man must never expect to go nearer Heav'n than some steps of a Ladder But 't is unavoidable I have my wants to lead and the Devil to drive and if I cann't meet my friend Lovewell which I think impossible being so great a stranger in Town Fortune thou hast done thy worst I proclaim open War against thee I 'll stab thy next rich Darling that I see And killing him be thus reveng'd on thee Goes to the back part of the Stage as into the Walks making some turns cross the Stage in disorder while the next speak Exit Beggar Enter Lucinda and Pindress Lucin. Oh these Summer mornings are so delicately fine Pindress it does me good to be abroad Pin. Ay Madam these Summer mornings are as pleasant to young folks as the Winter nights to marri'd people or as your morning of Beauty to Mr. Lovewell Lucin. I 'm violently afraid the Evening of my Beauty will fall to his share very soon for I 'm inclinable to marry him I shall soon lie under an Eclipse Pindress Pin. Then it must be full Moon with your Ladyship But why wou'd you choose to marry in Summer Madam Luo. I know no cause but that people are aptest to run mad in hot weather unless you take a Womans reason Pin. What 's that Madam Luc. Why I am weary of lying alone Pin. Oh dear Madam lying alone is very dangerous 't is apt to breed strange Dreams Luc. I had the oddest Dream last night of my Courtier that is to be ' Squire Mockmode He appear'd crowded about with a Dancing-Master Pushing-Master Musick-Master and all the throng of Beau-makers and methought he mimick'd Foppery so awkwardly that his imitation was down-right burlesquing it I burst out a laughing so heartily that I waken'd my self Pin. But Dreams go by contraries Madam Have not you seen him yet Luc. No but my Unkles Letter gives account that he 's newly come to Town from the University where his Education could reach no farther than to guzzle fat Ale smoak Tobaco and chop Logick Faugh it makes me Sick Pin. But he 's very rich Madam his Concerns joyn to yours in the Country Luc. Ay but his Concerns shall never joyn to mine in the City For since I have the disposal of my own Fortune Lovewell's the Man for my Money Pin. Ay and for my Money for I 've have had above twenty Pieces from him since his Courtship began He 's the prettiest sober Gentleman I have so strong an opinion of his modesty that I 'm afraid Madam your first Child will be a Fool. Luc. Oh God forbid I hope a Lawyer understands bus'ness better than to beget any thing non compos The Walks fill a pace the Enemy approaches we must set out our false Colours put on their Masks Pin. We Masks are the purest Privateers Madam how would you like to Cruise about a little Luc. Well enough had we no Enemies but our Fops and Cits But I dread these blustring Men of War the Officers who after a Broad-side of Dam'me's and Sinkme's are for boarding all Masks they meet as lawful Prize Pin. In truth Madam and the most of 'em are lawful Prize for they generally have French Ware under Hatches Luc. Oh hidious O' my Conscience Girl thou'at quite spoild An Actres upon the Stage would blush at such expressions Pin. Ay Madam and your Ladyship wou'd seem to blush in the Box when the redness of your face proceeded from nothing
Roeb. Then we 're off Tho shou'd your Women prove no better than your Wine my Debaucheries will fall of themselyss for want of Temptation Lov. Our Women are worse than our Wine our Claret has but little of the French in 't but our Wenches have the Devil and all They are both adulterated To prevent the inconveniencies of which I ll provide you an honourable Mistress Roeb. An honourable Mistress what 's that Roeb. A vertuous Lady whom you must Love and Court the surest method of reclaiming you As thus Those superfluous Pieces you throw away in Wine may be laid out Roeb. To the Poor Lov. No no. In Sweet Powder Cravats Garters Snuff-boxes Ribbons Coach-hire and Chair-hire Those idle hours which you mispend with lewd sophisticated Wenches must be dedicated Roeb. To the Church Lov. No To the innocent and charming Conversation of your vertuous Mistress by which means the two most exorbitant Debaucheries Drinking and Whoring will be retrench'd Roeb. A very fine Retrenchment truly I must first despise the honest jolly Conversation at the Tavern for the foppish affected dull insipid Entertainment at the Chocolate-house must quit my freedom with ingenious Company to harness my self to Foppery among the fluttering Crowd of Cupid's Livery-boys The second Article is That I must resign the Company of lewd Women for that of my Innocent Mistress That is I must change my easie natural sin of Wenching to that constrain'd Debauchery of Lying and Swearing The many Lyes and Oaths that I made to thy Sister will go nearer to damn me than if I had enjoy'd her a hundred times over Lov. Oh Roebuck your Reason will maintain the contrary when you 're in Love Roeb. That is when I have lost my Reason Come come a Wench a Wench a soft white easy consenting Creature Prithee Ned leave Musteness and shew me the Varities of the Town Lov. A Wench is the least Variety Look out See what a numerous Train trip along the street there pointing outwards Roeb. Oh Venus all these fine stately Creatures Fair you well Ned. Runs out Lovew catches him and pusts him back Prithee let me go 'T is a deed of Charity I 'm quite starv'd I 'll just take a snap and be with you in the twinkling As you 're my friend -I must go Lov. Then we must break for altogether Quits him He that will leave his friend for a Whore I reckon a Commoner in Friendship as in Love Roeb. If you saw how ill that serious face becomes a Fellow of your years you wou'd never wear it again Youth is taking in any Masqurade but Gravity Lov. Tho Lewdness suits much worse with your Circumstances Sir Roeb. Ay these Circumstances Damn these Circumstances There he has Hamstring'd me This Poverty how it makes a Man sneak Well prithee let 's know this Devilish Vertuous Lady By the Circumstances of my Body I shall soon be off or on with her Lov. Know then for thy utter Condemnation that she 's a Lady of Eighteen Beatiful Witty and nicely Vertuous Roeb. A Lady of Eighteen Good Beautiful Better Witty Best of all Now with these three Qualifications if she be nicely Vertuous then I 'll henceforth adore every thing that wears a Petycoat Witty and Vertuous ha ha ha Why 't is as inconsistant in Ladies as Gentlemen And were I to debauch one for a Wager her Wit shou'd be my Bawd Come come the forbidden Fruit was pluck'd from the Tree of Knowledge Boy Lov. Right But there was a cunninger Devil than you to tempt I 'll assure you George your Rhetorick wou'd fail you here she wou'd worst you at your own Weapons Roeb. Ay or any Man in England if she be Eighteen as you say Lov. Have a care friend this Satyr will get you torn in pieces by the Females you 'll fall into Orpheus's fate Roeb. Orpheus was a blockhead and deserv'd his fate Lov. Why Roeb. Because he went to Hell for a Wife Lov. This happens right Aside But you shall go to Heav'n for a Mistress you shall Court this Divine Creature I don't desire you to fall in Love with her I don't intend you shou'd marry her nither but you must be convinc'd of the Chastity of the Sex Tho if you shou'd conquer her the Spoil you Rogue will be glorious and infinitely worth the pains in attaining Roeb. Ay but Ned my Circumstances my Circumstances Lov. Come you shan't want Money Roeb. Then I dare attempt it Money is the Sinews of Love as of War Gad friend thou 't the bravest Pimp I ever heard of Well give me directions to sail by the name of my Port laden my Pockets and then for the Cape of Good Hope Lov. You need no directions as to the manner of Courtship Roeb. No I have seen some few Principles on which my Courtship 's founded which seldom fail To let a Lady rely upon my modesty but to depend my self altogether upon my Impudence To use a Mistress like a Deity in publick but like a Woman in private To be as cautious then of asking an Impertinent question as afterwards of telling a story remembring that the Tongue is the only Member that can hurt a Ladies Honour tho touch'd in the tender'st part Lov. Oh but to a Friend George you 'll tell a Friend your success Roeb. No not to her very self it must be as private as Devotion No blabbing unless a squalawling Brat peeps out to tell Tales But where lies my Course Lov. Brush shall shew you the house the Ladies name is Lucinda her Father and Mother dead she 's Heiress to Twelve hundred a year But above all observe this She has a Page which you must get on your side 'T is a very pretty Boy I presented him to the Lady about a fortnight ago he 's your Country-man too he brought me a Letter from my Sister which I have about me Here you may read it Roeb. Ay 't is her hand I know it well and I almost bush to see it Aside Reads Dear Brother A Lady of my acquaintance lately dying begg'd me as her last request to provide for this Boy who was her Page I hope I have obeyed my Friend's last Command and oblig'd a Brother by sending him to you Pray dispose of him as much as you can for his advantage All friends are will and I am Your affectionate Sister Leanthe While he reads Lovewell talks to Brush and gives him some directions seemingly All friends are well Is that all not a word of poor Roebuck I wonder she mention'd nothing of my misfortunes to her Brother But she has forgot me already True Woman still Well I may excuse her for I 'm making all the haste I can to forget her Lov. Be sure you have an eye upon him and come to me presently at Widow Bulfinch's To Brush Well George you won't communicate your success Aside Roeb. You may guess what you please I 'm as merry after a Mistress as after a Bottle All Air brimfull of
often There 's a Lady of his acquaintance a Lodger in the house just now Mock A Lady of his acquaintance a Lodger in the house just now of his acquaintance do you say Bull. Yes and a pretty Lady too Mock And he comes often here you say By the Universe shou'd I happen to lodge in the same house with my Mistress I gad it must be the same Can you tell the Woman's Name Stay Is her Name Lucinda Bull. Perhaps it may Sir but I believe she 's a Widdow for she has a young Son I 'm sure 't is legitimately begotten for 't is the bravest Child you shall see in a Summers-day 'T is not like one of our puling Brats o' th' Town here born with the Diseases of half a dozen Fathers about it Mock By the Universe I don't remember whether my Mistress is Maid or Widow But a Widow so much the Better for all your London widows are devilish rich they say She came in a Coach did she not Madam Bull. Yes Sir yes Mock Then 't is infalliblly she Does she not always go out in her Coach Bull. She has not stirr'd abroad since she came Sir Mock Oh I was told she was very reserv'd tho 't is very much of a Widow I have often heard my Mother say that sitting at home and silence were very becoming in a Maid and she has often chid my Sister Dorothy for gadding out to the Meadows and tumbling among the Cocks with the Haymakers I gad I 'm the most lucky Son of a Whore I was wrapt in the Tail of my Mothers Smock Landlady Enter Servant Bull. Oh but this Lady Sir Ser. Madam here 's a Gentleman below wants to speak with you instantly Bull. With me Child Sir I 'll wait on you in a minut Exit with Servant Enter Club with Wine and Glasses Mock Is that the Witty Liquor Come fill the Glasses Now that I have found my Mistress I must next find my Wits Club. So you had need Master for those that find a Mistress are generally out of their Wits Gives him a Glass Mock Come fill for your self They jingle and drink But where 's the Wit now Club have you found it Club. I gad Master I think 't is a very good Jest. Mock What Club. What! why Drinking You 'll find Master that this same Gentleman in the Straw Doublet this same Will i' th' Wisp is a Wit at the bottom Fills Here here Master how it puns and quibbles in the Glass Mock By the Universe now I have it The Wit lies in the Jingling All Wit consists most in Jingling Hear how the Glasses rhime to one another Club. What Master are these Wits so apt to clash Jingle the Glasses Break ' em Mock Oh by the Universe by the Universe this is Wit My Landlady is in the right I have often heard their was Wit in breaking Glasses It would be a very good Joke to break the Flask now Club. I find then that this same Wit is very britle Ware But I think Sir 't were no Joke to spill the Wine Mock Why there 's the Jest Sirrah all Wit consists in losing there was never any thing got by 't I fancy this same wine is all sold at Will 's Coffee-house Do you know the way thither Sirrah I long to see Mr. Comick and Mr. Tagrhine with the rest of ' em I wonder how they look Certainly these Poets must have something extraordinary in their faces Of all the Rarities of the Town I long to see nothing more than the Poets and Bedlam Come in Club I must go practice my Honours Tal dal deral Exit dancing and Club to peing Enter Lovewel and Bullfinch Bull. Oh Mr. Lovewell you come just in the nick I was ready to spoil all by telling him that she was a Stranger and just now come Lov. Well dear Madam be cautious for the future 't is the most fortunate chance that ever befell me 'T were convenient we had the other lodgers of our side Bull. There 's no body but Mr. Lyrick and you had as safely tell a secret over a Groaning Cheese as to him Lov. How so Bull. Why you must know that he has been Lying-in these four months of a Play and he has got all the Muses about him a parcel of the most tattling Gossips Lov. Come come no more words but to our business I will certainly reward you But have you any good hopes of its succeeding Bull. Very well of the ' Squire 's side But I 'm afraid your Widow will never play her part she 's so awkward and so sullen Lov. Go you and instruct her while I manage Affairs abroad Bull. She 's always raving of one Roebuck Prithee who is this same Roebuck Ah Mr. Lovewell I 'm afraid this Widow of yours is something else at the bottom I 'm afraid there has been a Dog in the Well Exit Enter Brush Lov. So Sirrah where have you left the Gentleman Brush In a friénd's house Sir Lov. What friend Brush Why a Tavern Lov. What took him there Brush A Coach Sir Lov. How d' ye mean Brush A Coach and Six Sir no less I 'll assure you Sir Lov. A Coach and Six Brush Yes Sir six Whores and a Carted Bawd He pick'd 'em all up in the street and is gone with this splendid Retinue into the Sun by Covent-Garden I ask'd him what he meant he told me That he only wanted to Whet when the very sight of 'em turn'd my Stomach Lov. The fellow will have his swing tho he hang for 't However run to him and bid him take the name of Mockmode call himself Mockmode upon all occasions and tell him that he shall find me here about Four in the afternoon Ask no questions but fly So. His usurping that name gives him a Title to Court Lucinda by which I shall discover her Inclinations to Exit Brush this Mockmode whose coming to Town has certainly occasion'd her quarrel with me while I set the Hound himself upon a wrong scent and ten to one provide for Mistristess Trudge by the bargain 'T is said one can't be a Friend and a Lover But opposite to that this Plot shall prove I 'll serve my Friend by what assists my Love Exit The End of the Second ACT. ACT III. SCENE Lucinda's House Enter Leanthe Sola dress'd like a Page MEthinks this Livery suits ill my Birth but slave to Love I must not disobey his service is the hardest Vassalage forcing the Powers Divine to lay their Godships down to be more Gods more happy here below Thus I poor Wanderer have left my Country disguis'd my self so much I hardly know whether this Habit or my Love be blindest to follow one perhaps that loves me not tho every breath of his soft words was Passion and every accent Love Oh Roebuck Weeps Enter Roebuck Roeb. This is the Page Love's Link-boy that must light me the way How now pretty Boy has your Lady beaten you ha This
the dearest Lodging a Man 's eternally dunn'd tho perhaps he have less of one ready Coin than t'other There 's more trouble in a Play than you imagin Madam Bull. There 's more trouble with a Lodger than you think Mr. Lyrick Lyr. First there 's the decorum of Time Bull. Which you never observe for you keep the worst hours of any Lodger in Town Lyr. Then there 's the exactness of Characters Bull. And you have the most scandalous one I ever heard Lyr. Then there 's laying the Drama Bull. Then you foul my Napkins and Towels 〈◊〉 Lyr. Then there are preparations of Incidents working the Passions Beauty of Expression Closeness of Plot Justness of Place Turn of Language Opening the Catastrophe Bull. Then you wear out my Sheets burn my Fire and Candle dirty my House eat my Meat destroy my Drink wear out my Furniture I have lent you Money out of my Pocket Lyr. Was ever poor Rogue so ridden If ever the Muses had a Horse I am he Faith Madam poor Pegasus is Jaded Bull. Come come Sir he shan't slip his Neck out of the Collar for all that Money I will have and Money I must have let your Play and you both be damn'd Lyr. Well Madam my Bookseller is to bring me some twenty Guinea's for a few Sheets of mine presently which I hope will free me from your Sheets Bull. My Sheets Mr. Lyrick Pray what d' ye mean I 'll assure you Sir my Sheets are finer than any of your Muses spinning Marry come up Lyr. Faith you have spun me so fine that you have almost crack'd my Thread of Life as may appear by my Spindle-shanks Bull. Why sure Where was your Thalia and your Melpomene when the Tayler wou'd have stripp'd you of your Silk Wastcoat and have clapt you on a Stone-doublet Wou'd all your Golden Verse have paid the Serjeants Fees Lyr. Truly you freed me from Gaol to confine me in a Dugeon you did not ransom me but bought me as a slave So Madam I 'll purchase my freedom as soon as possible Flesh and Blood can't bear it Bull. Take your course Sir There were a couple of Gentlemen just now to enquire for you and if they come again they shan't be put off with the old story of your being abroad I 'll promise you that Sir Exit Lyr. Zoons if this Bookseller does not bring me Money Enter Pamphlet Oh Mr. Pamphlet your Servant Have you perus'd my Poems Pam. Yes Sir and there are some things very well extraordinary well Mr. Lyrick but I don't think'em for my purpose Poetry's a meer Drug Sir Lyr. Is that because I take Physick when I write Damn this costive fellow now he does not apprehend the Joke Pam. No Sir but your name does not recommend'em One must write himself into a Consumption before he gain Reputation Lyr. That 's the way to lye abed when his Name 's up Now I lye abed before I can gain Reputation Pam. Why so adâ—…r Lyr. Because I have scarcely any Cloaths to put on If ever man did Penance in a White Sheet Pam. You stand only sometimes in a White Sheet for your offences with your Landlady Faith I have often wonder'd how your Muse cou'd take such flights yoak'd to such a Cartload as she is Lyr. Oh they are like the Irish Horses they draw best by the Tail Have you ever seen any of my Burlesque Mr. Pamphlet I have a Project of turning three or four of our most topping fellows into Doggrel As for Example Reads Conquest with Lawrels has our Arms adorn'd And Rome in tears of Blood our anger mourn'd Now Butchers with Rosemary have our Beef adorn'd Which has in Gravy Tears our Hunger mourn'd How d' ye like it Mr. Pamphlet ha Well Like Gods we pass'd the rugged Alpine Hills Melted our way and drove our hissing Wheels Thro cloudy Deluges Eternal Rills Now observe Mr. Pamphlet pray observe Like Razors keen our Knives cut passage clean Through Rills of Fat and Deluges of Lean. Pam. Very well upon my Soul Lyr. Hurl'd dreadful Fire and Vinegar infus'd Pam. Ay Sir Vinegar how patly that comes in for the Beef Mr. Lyrick 'T is all wondrous fine indeed Lyr. This is the most ingenious fellow of his Trade that I have seen he understands a good thing Aside But as to our bus'ness What are you willing to give for these Poems Prithee say something There are about three thousand lines Here take 'em for a couple of Guinea's Pam. No Sir Paper is so excessive dear that I dare not venture upon 'em Lyr. Well because you 're a Friend I 'll bestow'em upon you Here take 'em all There 's the hopes of a Dedication still Aside Pam. I give you a thousand thanks Sir but I dare not venture the hazard they 'll ne're quit cost indeed Sir Lyr. This fellow is one of the greatest Blockheads that ever was Member of a Corporation How shall I be reveng'd Enter Boy Boy Sir there are two Men below desire to have the Honour of kissing your hand Lyr. They must be Knaves or Fools By their fulsome Complement Hark ye Whispers the Boy Bid 'em walk up Pam. Since you have got Company Sir I 'll take my leave Lyr. No no Mr. Pamphlet by no means we must drink before we part Boy a Pint of Sack and a Toast These are two Gentlemen out of the Country who will be for all the new things lately published they 'll be good Customers Come sit down You have not seen my Play yet Here take the Pen and if you see any thing amiss correct it I 'll go bring 'em up Stay lend me your Hat and Wig or I shall take cold going down Stairs He takes Pamphlet's Hat and Wig and puts his Cap on Pamphlet's Head Pam. Solas This is a right Poetical Cap 't is Bays the outside and the Lining Fustian Reading This is all stuff worse than his Poems Enter two Bailiffs behind him and clap him on the shoulder 1 Bail Sir you 're the King's Prisoner Pam. That 's a good Fancy enough Mr. Lyrick But pray don't interrupt me I 'm in the best Scene I gad the Drama is very well laid 2 Bail Come Sir Pam. Well well Sir I 'll pledge ye Prithee now good Mr. Lyrick do'nt disturb me And furious Lightnings brandish'd in her Eyes That 's true Spirit of Poetry 1 Bail Zoons Sir d' ye banter us Takes him under each arm and hauls him up Pam. Gentlemen I beg you pardon How d' ye like the City Gentlemen If you have any occasion for Books to carry into the Country I can furnish you as well as any man about Pauls Where 's Mr. Lyrick 1 Bail These Wits are damnable Cunning. I always have double Fees for Arresting one of you Wits All your Evasions won't do we understand trap Sir you must not think to catch old Birds with Chaff Sir Pam. Zoons Gentlemen I 'm not the Person I 'm a Freeman of the City I have good
imagin'd you modest 2 Mas. So I am for I 'm marry'd Roeb. And marry'd to your forrow I warrant you 2 Mas. Yes upon my Honour Sir Roeb. I knew it I have met above a dozen this Evening all marry'd to their Sorrow Then I suppose you 're a Citizen's Wife and by the broadness of your bottom I shou'd geuss you sat very much behind a Counter 2 Mas. My Husband 's no Mercer he 's a Judge Roeb. Zoons A Judge I shall be arraign'd at the Bar for keeping on my Hat so long 'T is very hard Madam he shou'd not do you Justice Has not he an Estate in Tail Madam 2 Mas. I seldom examine his Papers They are a parcel of old dry shrvel'd Parchments and this Court-hand is so devilish crabbed I can't endure it Roeb. Umph Then I suppose Madam you want a young Lawyer to put your Case to But faith Madam I 'm a Judge too 2 Mas. Oh Heav'ns forbid such a young Man Roeb. That 's I 'll do nothing without a Bribe Pray Madam how does that Watch strike 2 Mas. It never strikes it only points to the business as you must do without telling Tales Dare you meet me two hours hence Roeb. Ay Madam but I shall never hit the time exactly without a Watch. 2 Mas. Well take it At Ten exactly at the Fountain in the Middle Temple Cook upon Littleton be the word Exit Roeb. So If the Law be all such Volumes as thou Mercy on the poor Students From Cook upon Littleton in Sheets deliver me Enter Lovewell Lov. What! engag'd Mirmydon I find you 'll never quit the Battle till you have crack'd a Pike in the Service Roeb. Oh dear friend thou' rt critically come to my Relief for faith I 'm almost tir'd Lov. What a miserable Creature is a Whore whom every Fool dares pretend to love and every Wise Man hates Roeb. What morallizing again Oh I 'll tell thee News Man I 'm enter'd in the Inns by the Lard Lov. Pshaw Roeb. Nay if you won't believe me see my Note of admission shews the Watch. Lov. A Gold Watch boy Roeb. Ay a Gold Watch boy Lov. Whence had you money to buy it Roeb. I took it upon tick and I design to pay honestly Lov. I don 't like this running o' th' Score But what News from Lucinda boy Is she kind ha Enter a Masque crossing the Stage Roeb. Ha! there 's a stately Cruiser I must give her one chase I 'll tell you when I return Exit running Lov. I find he has been at a loss there which occasions his eagerness for the Game here I begin to repent me of my suspicion I believe her Vertue so sacred that 't is a piece of Atheism to distrust its Existence But jealousie in Love like the Devil in Religion is still raising doubts which without a firm Faith in what we adore will certainly damn us Enter a Porter Por. Is your name Mr. Roebuck Sir Lov. What wou'd you have with Mr. Roebuck Sir Por. I have a small Note for him Sir Lov. Let me see 't Por. Ay Sir if your name be Mr. Roebuck Sir Lov. My Name is Roebuck Blockhead Por. God bless you master Gives him a Letter and Exit Lov. This is some tawdry Billet with a scrawling Adieu at the end on 't These strolling Jades know a young wholesome fellow newly come to Town as well as a Parsons Wife does a fat Goose. 'T is certainly some secret and therefore shall be known Opens the Letter SIR Tuesday three a Clock MY behaviour towards you this morning was somewhat strange but I shall tell you the cause of it if you meet me at Ten this night in our Garden the Back-door shall be open Yours Lucinda Oh Heavens certainly it can't be L U C I N D A that spells Woman 'T was never written so plain before Roebuck thou' rt as true an Oracle as she 's a false one Oh thou damn'd Sybil I have courted thee these three years and cou'd never obtain above a Kiss of the hand and this fellow in an hour or two has obtain'd the back door open Mr. Roebuck since I have discover'd some of your Secrets I 'll make bold to open some more of ' em But how shall I shake him off Oh I have it I 'll seek him instantly Exit Enter Roebuck meeting the Porter Roeb. Here you Sir have you a Note for one Roebuck Por. I had Sir but I gave it to him just now Roeb. You lie Sirrah I am the Man Por. I an 't positive I gave it to the right person but I 'm very sure I did for he answer'd the Description the Page gave to a T Sir Roeb. 'T was well I met that Page Dog or now shou'd I cut thy Throat Rascal Por. Bless your Worship Noble Sir Exit Roeb. At Ten in the Garden the back-door open Oh the delicious place and hour soft panting breasts trembling Joynts melting Sighs and eager Embraces Oh Extasie But how to shake off Lovewell This is his nicely Vertuous Ha ha ha This is his innate Principle of Vertue Ha ha ha Enter Lovewell Lov. How now why so merry Roeb. Merry why 't wou'd make a Dog split Man Ha ha ha The Watch Sir the Watch Ha ha ha Lov. What of the Watch you laugh by the hour you 'll be run down by and by sure Roeb. Ay but I shall be wound up again This Watch I had for a Fee Lawyer Shou'd I ever be try'd before this Judge how I shou'd laugh to see how gravely his Goose-Caps sits upon a pair of Horns Ha ha ha Lov. Thou' rt Horn-mad Prithee leave impertinence I receiv'd a Note just now Roeb. A Note 'Sdeath what Note what d' ye mean who brought it Lov. A Gentleman 't is a Challenge Roeb. Oh thanks to the Stars I 'm glad on 't Aside Lov. And you may be signally serviceable to me in this affair I can give you no greater testimony of my Affection than by making so free with you Roeb. What needs all this formality I 'll be thy second without all this impertinence Lov. There 's more than that Friend In the first place I don't understand a Sword and again I 'm to be call'd to the Bar this Term and such a business might prejudice me extteamly So Sir you must meet and fight for me Roeb. Faith Lovewell I shan't stick to cut a Throat for my Friend at any time so I may do it fairly or so The hour and place Lov. This very Evening in Moorfields Roeb. Umph How will you employ your self the while Lov. I 'll follow you at a distance lest you have any foul play Roeb. Which if you do No faith Ned since I 'm to answer an appointment for you you must make good an assignation for me I 'm to meet one of your Ladies at the Fountain in the Temple to night You may be called to the Bar there if you will This Watch will tell you the hour and shall be
Friend or so upon a Bribe of a hundred Pounds or so has sided with him taken him to Lucinda's Garden in your stead and there 's a Parson and all and so forth Now Sir I hope the Poet has brought the Play to a very good Cata Cata what d' ye call him Sir Lov. 'T was he I incounter'd in the Garden ' Sdeath Trick'd by the Poet I 'll cut off one of his Limbs I 'll make a Synelepha of him I 'll Club. He he he Two Calves suck'd on the same Cow He he Lov. Nay then I begin with you Drubs him Club. Zauns Murder Dem me Zauns Murder Zauns Runs off and Lovewell after him SCENE changes to the Anti-Chamber in Lucinda 's house a Hat and Sword on the Table Enter Brush Brush I have been peeping and crouching about like a Cat a Mousing Ha! I smell a Rat A Sword and Hat There are certainly a pair of Breeches appertaining to these and may be lap'd up in my Ladies Lavender who knows listens Enter Lovewell in a hurry Lov. What Sir What are you doing I 'm ruin'd trick'd Brush I believe so too Sir See here Shews the Hat and Sword Lov. By all my hopes Roebuck's Hat and Sword This is mischief upon mischief Run you to the Garden Sirrah and if you find any body secure 'em I 'll search the House I 'm ruin'd Fly Roebuck what hoa Roebuck hoa Enter Roebuck unbutton'd runs to Lovewell and embraces him Roeb. Dear dear Lovewell wish me Joy wish me Joy my Friend Lov. Of what Sir Roeb. Of the dearest tenderst whitest softest Bride that ever blest Man's Arms. I 'm all Air all a Cupid all Wings and must fly again to her embraces Detain me not my Friend Lov. Hold Sir I hope you mock me tho' that itself 's unkind Roeb. Mock you By Heav'ns no she 's more than sense can bear or Tongue express Oh Lucinda shou'd Heaven Lov. Hold Sir no more Roeb. I 'm on the Rack of Pleasure and must confess all When her soft melting white and yielding Waste Within my pressing Arms was folded fast Our lips were melted down by heat of Love And lay incorporate in liquid kisses Whilst in soft broken sighs we catch'd each other's Souls Lov. Come come Roebuck no more of this Extravagance By Heav'n I swear you shan't marry her Roeb. By Heaven I swear so too for I 'm married already Lov. Then thou' rt a Villain Roeb. A Villain Man Pshaw that 's Nonsence A poor fellow can no sooner get married than you imagine he may be call'd a Villain presently You may call me a Fool a Blockhead or an Ass by the Authority of Custom But why a Villain for God's sake Lov. Did not you engage to meet and fight a Gentleman for me in Moorfields Roeb. Did not you promise to engage a Lady for me at the Fountain Sir Lov. This Lucinda is my Mistress Sir Roeb. This Lucinda Sir is my Wife Lov. Then this decides the matter Draw Throws Roebuck his Sword and draws his own Roeb. Prithee be quiet Man I 've other bus'ness to mind on my Wedding-night I must in to my Bride Going Lov. Hold Sir move a step and by Heavens I 'll stab thee Roeb. Put up put up Pshaw I an 't prepar'd to dye I an 't Devil take me Lov. Do you dally with me Sir Roeb. Why you won't be so unconseionable as to kill a Man so suddenly I han't made my Will yet Perhaps I may leave you a Legacy Lov. Pardon me Heaven's if press'd by stinging taunts my Passion urge my Arm to act what 's foul Offees to push at him Roeb. Hold. Taking up his Sword 'T is safest making Peace they say with Sword in hand Pll tell thee what Nod I wou'd not lose this Nights Pleasure for the honour of fighting and vanquishing the Seven Champions of Christendom Permit me then but this Night to return to the Arms of my dear Bride and faith and troth I 'll take a fair Thrust with you to morrow morning Lov. What beg a poor Reprieve for Life Then thou' rt a Coward Roeb. You imagin'd the contrary when you employ'd me to fight for ye in Moorfields Lov. Will nothing move thy Gall Thou' rt â—ase ungrateful Roeb. Ungrateful I love thee Ned by Heavens my Friend I love thee therefore name not that word again for such a repetition wou'd over-pay all thy favours Lov. A cheap a very cheap way of making acknowledgment and therefore thou hast catch'd which makes thee more ungratefull Roeb. My Friendship even yet does balance Passion but throw in the least grain more of an affront and by Heaven you turn the Scale Lov. Pausing No I 've thought better my Reason clears She is not worth my Sword a Bully only shou'd draw in her defence for she 's false a Prostitute Puts up his Sword Roeb. A Prostitute By Heaven thou ly'st Draws Thou hast blasphem'd Her Vertue answers the uncorrupted state of Woman so much above Immodesty that it mocks Temptation She has convinc'd me of the bright Honour of her Sex and I stand Champion now for the fair Female Cause Lov. Then I have lost what naught on Earth can pay Curse on all doubts all Jealousies that destroy our present happiness by mistrusting the future Thus mis-believers making their Heaven uncertain find a certain Hell And is she Vertuous sound the bold charge aloud which does proclaim me Guilty Roeb. By Heavens as Vertuous as thy Sister Lov. My Sister Ha! I fear Sir your Marriage with Lucinda has wrong'd my Sister for her you courted and I heard she lov'd you Roeb. I courted her 't is true and lov'd her also nay my Love to her rivall'd my Friendship tow'rds and had my Fate allow'd me time for thought her dear remembrance might have stopt the Marriage But since 't is past I must own to you to her and all the World that I cast off all former Passion and shall henceforth confine my Love to the dear Circle of her Charming Arms from which I just now parted Enter Leanthe in Woman's loose Apparel Lean. I take you at your word These are the Arms that held you Roeb. Oh Gods and Happiness Leanthe Lov. My Sister Heavens it cannot be Roeb. By Heavens it can it shall it must be so For none on Earth could give such Joys but she Who wou'd have thought my Joys cou'd bear increase Lovewell my Friend this is thy Sister 't is Leanthe my Mistress my Bride my Wife Lean. I am your Sister Sir as such I beg you to pardon the effects of violent passion which has driven me into some imprudent Actions But none such as may blot the honour of my Vertue or Family To hold you no longer in suspence 't was I brought the Letter from Leanthe 't was I manag'd the Intrigue with Lucinda I sent the Note to Mr. Roe-buck this afternoon and I Reob That was the Bride of happy me Lov. Thou art my Sister and my Guardian-Angel for thou hast
bless'd thy self and bless'd thy Brother Lucinda still is safe and may be mine Roeb. May She shall be thine my Friend Lov. Where is Lucinda Enter Mockmode Mock Not far off tho' far enough from you by the Universe Lean. You must give me leave not to believe you Sir Mock Oh Madam I crave you ten thousand pardons by the Universe Madam Zauns Madam Dem me Madam Offers to salute her awkwardly Lov. By your leave Sir Thrusts him back Roeb Ah Cousin Mockmode How do all our Friends in Shropshire Mock Now Gentlemen I thank you all for your Trick your Sham. You imagine I have got your Whore Cousin your Crack ' But Gentlemen by the assistance of a Poet your Sheely is Metamorphos'd into the real Lucinda which your Eyes shall testifie Bring in the Jury there Guilty or not Guilty Enter Lyrick and Trudge Trud. Oh my dear Reobuck And Faith is it you dear Joy and where have you been these seven long years Trudge seeing Lovewell throws off her Masque flies to him takes him a bout the Neck and kisses him Mock Zauns Roeb. Hold off stale Iniquity Madam you 'll pardon this To Leanthe Trud. Indeed I won't live with that stranger You promised to marry me so you did Ah Sir Neddy's a brave Boy God bless him he 's a whole arm full Lord knows I had a heavy load of him Lov. Guilty or Not Guilty Mr. Mockmode Mock 'T is past that I am condemn'd I 'm hang'd in the Marriage Noose Hark ye Madam was this the Doctor that let you blood under the Tongue for the Quinsey Trud. Yes that it was Sir Mock Then he may do so again for the Devil take me if ever I breath a Vein for ye Mr. Lyrick is this your Poetical Friendship Lyr. I had only a mind to convince you of your ' Squireship Lov. Now Sister my fears are over But where 's Lucinda how is she dispos'd of Lean. The fear she lay under of being discover'd by you gave me an opportunity of imposing Pindress upon her instead of this Gentleman whom she expected to wear one of Pindress's Night-Gowns as a Disuise To make the Cheat more current she disguis'd her self in my Cloaths which has made her pass on her Maid for me and I by that opportunity putting on a Suit of hers past upon this Gentleman for Lucinda my next business is to find her out and beg her pardon endeavour her reconcilement to you which the discovery of the mistakes between both will easily effect Exit Roeb. Well Sir To Lyrick how was Plot your carried on Lyr. Why this ' Squire will you give me leave to call you so now this ' Squire had a mind to personate Lovewell to catch Lucinda So I made Trudge to personate Lucinda and snap him in this very Garden Now Sir you 'll give me leave to write your Epithalamiuâ— Mock My Epithalamiuâ— I my Epitaph Screech Owl for I 'm Buried alive But I hope you 'll return my hundred pound I gave you for marrying me Lyr. No But for Five hundred more I 'll unmarry you These are hard times and men of industry must make Money Mock Here 's the Money by the Universe Sir a Bill of Five hundred pound Sterling upon Mr. Ditto the Mercer in Cheapside Bring me a Reprieve and 't is yours Lyr. Lay it in that Gentleman's hands Gives Roeb. the Bill The Executioner shall cut the Rope Goes to the door and brings in Bull-finch dress'd like a Parson Here 's Revelation for you Pulls open the Gown Mock Oh thou damn'd Whore of Babylon Lov. What Pope Joan the second were you the Priest Bull. Of the Poet's Ordination Lyr. Ay ay before the time of Christianity the Poets were Priests Mock No wonder then that all the World were Heathens Lyr. How d' ye like the Plot wou'd it not do well for a Play My Money Sir To Roebuck Lyr. No Sir it belongs to this Gentlewoman Gives it to Trudge you have divorc'd her and must give her seperate maintenance There 's another turn of Plot you were not aware of Mr. Lyrick Enter Lucinda Leanthe and Pindress Luc. You have told me Wonders Lean. Here are these can testifie the truth This Gentleman is the real Mr. Mockmode and much such another person as your dream represented Roeb. I hope Madam you 'll pardon my dissembling since only the hopes of so great a purchase cou'd cause it Luc. Let my wishing you much Joy and Happiness in your Bride testifie my reconciliation And at the request of your Sister Mr. Lovewell I pardon your past Jealousies You threatned me Mr. Lovewell with an Irish Entertainment at my Wedding I wish it present now to assist at your Sisters Nuptials Lean. Army last going hence I sent for 'em and they 're ready Lov. Call 'em in then An Irish Entertainment of three Men and three Women dress'd after the Fingallion fashion Luc. I must reward your Sister Mr. Lovewell for the many Services done me as my Page I therefore settle my Fortune and my self on you on this Condition That you make over your Estate in Ireland to your Sister and that Gentleman Lov. 'T is done only with this Proviso Brother That you forsake your Extravagancies â—oeb Brother you know I always slighted Gold But most when offer'd as a sordid Bribe I scorn to be brib'd even to Vertue But for bright Vertues sake I here embrace it Embracing Leanthe I have espous'd all Goodness with Leanthe And am divorc'd from all my former Follies Woman 's our Fate Wild and Unlawful Plames Debauch us first and softer Love reclaims Thus Paradice was lost by Woman's Fall But Vertuous Woman thus restores it all Exeunt omnes FINIS ADVERTISEMENT The Innocent Mistress a Comedy Written by Mrs. Mary Pix The Modern Conveyancer or Conveyancing Improved being a choice Collection of Presidents on most Occasions drawn after the manner of Conveyancing now in use By the greatest hand of the present Age of which some are still living Consisting of Settlement of Estates upon Marriages Bargains and Sales Ecclesiastical Instruments Mortgages Leasses c. With an Introduction concerning Conveyancing in general The Second Edition with Additions Both Printed for Fran. Coggan in the Inner-Temple-Lane