hope you and I shall have a nearer affinity and knowledge of one another ere long Tob. surveys Sir Arth. Cloaths Tilb. By St Iago my pains were ill employ'd else Why I came to Town for that purpose Sir Arth. But where 's your Brother Sir Zech. Here Sir taking a particular view of your Habit Upon Honour Sir Arthur methinks your Cloaths are not made according to Mode Sir Arth. Mode ah good Sir no more o'th at no Modes I beseech you my Habit is the Mirror of my Mind little do you know the value of this outside Sir in brief 't is more than the Kings three Dominions can purchase Tob. Udshash I 'd like to have spoil'd all I took him for a Morrice-Dancer Sir Arth. To display my meaning more plainly Sir this Medal was the Badge of Peace 'twixt Scanderberg and the Turks this was the Doublet of Gustavus Adolphus and these Breeches renown'd be the tatter'd Linings were the Breeches of Pompey the Great he was call'd Pompey the Great by reason of these great Breeches Ioll. Peace be to the ancient Cobwebs betwixt the seams Sir Arthur your Servant I must go seek my son Odsbores here 's the Lady Ill stay a little longer now and let the World rub Enter Constantia Sir Arth. How now where 's my Neece Const. Gone to the Park Sir with my Lady Arbella Sir Arth. Park What without my permission Passion o' me I shall have her stol'n Huswife this is your fault you are still prating to her of the pleasure of Intrigues as you call 'em Well these new damnable Customs utterly undo the Nation Const. Sir I am not her Guardian tho' you are nor do I think it a particular of my duty to pry into her actions Ioll. This certainly the Lady Hurry told me of udsbores a merry Mushrum I 'll warrant her Sir Arth. Well since 't is so we must practise patience and Mr Tilbury it shall be my care hereafter to have her ready for your sons addresses in the mean time pray Daughter know this Gentleman whom I have elected for your Husband Zech. hides his face and goes backward And let it be a mark of your duty to use him kindly Come Sir along along a young brisk Fellow and so backward fie Zech. The very same Woman I affronted in the Mall What shall I do she 'll discover me Tilb. Why how now sirra what flinch recreant dastard Bodikins thou art a disgrace to th' Family th' Tilburies have been good Holders-forth for above this 90 Years and shall they now be dash'd like a Knight at a Bear-bating for shame to her to her agen I say by St Iago Ill cudgel thee forward if thou dost not Toby breaks the Vial. Sir Arth. Mercy a'me what 's that Tob. No harm no harm only a little Vinegar Bottle an accidental Mischance as I hope to be sav'd Sir Arthur Sir Arth. How the Vial oh Heav'n the Vial What St Ierom St Ierom's tears oh Hell Fate Death Destiny I 'm undone lost ruin'd for ever the Vial St Ieroms tears spilt the Holy Relique spoil'd oh I am miserable oh insupportable loss Out of my doors thou Varlet away I abominate thee detest thee and thy whole Race for this deed away I say St Ierom St Ierom oh dismal accident Tilb. Good Sir have patience I 'll make restitution Sir Arth. Patience Restitution ' sbud both the Indies cannot do 't Hadst thou burnt my House murder'd my Wife and Daughter stol'n my Plate any thing but this I cou'd have forgiven but to disoblige St Ierom St. Ierom O insufferable insufferable 't is a capital crime and not to be forgotten Exit Tilb Sirra this is your unlucky hand Come we must go and comfort him he 'l run mad else Ex. Tilb. Jollyman Const So I hope this accident and my Fathers anger will be a means to keep me from the future impertinences of this Fop. Lord how you look Sir What 's the matter Zech. Nothing Madam onely a little troubled at my Brothers late miscarriage and the disturbance of the Company Const. You may repair that inconvenience in the Mall to night Sir there will be variety Zech. A pox on her she has discover'd us Well Madam I guess your meaning and though my behaviour express'd a little too much the freedom of the age That I can give my self this satisfaction That I did nothing but what was Courtly and like a Gentleman Const. A Gentleman of the first rate I grant Sir that is an insignnificant Squire whose addresses are so formal and common that your Fleetstreet Prentices have better whose head hands and body are diversly imploy'd in fashioning a bow and when he speaks he might be call'd a walking Bagpipe being oblig'd to his nose for gracing his utterance Tob. Nay if you talk of Noses here 's a Nose and udshash under the Rose another manner of Nose than yours is if you go to that Const. Suitable to the owners person I confess and were my judgment askt in this particular I shou'd guess your Nose and Understanding to be much of a length onely there is this difference your Nose is more visible but both very equivalent to your person and behaviour Tob. Madam let me entreat you to be so much your own friend as not to question my behaviour The shame will be yours if you do I assure you that ' Sbud I knew how to behave my self before you knew how to mum I had like to have spoke it to discern behaviour Const. Your brisk air bone Meine and gentile garb expresses it Sir You are the exact picture of your Brother there Nature drew you from its Copy And Sir she has furnisht you as the World may see and you your self doubtless imagine with all graces pertinent to your Sex but we are seated in so relentless an Air that I protest I am blind to your perfection and you appear to me a very ordinary person considering the advantages you have of Impertinence Impudence and good Clothes What your Brother may be in my Lady Fickles eyes I know not but if she desires his Company as little as I yours we shall both sleep without dreaming Call Jollyman Zech. Damme I 'le be gone This eternal fleerer will jear me to a Consumption Come Toby let 's to the Tavern and rore to night I 'le warrant thee I 'le procure a Couple of Females that shall be good Company and glad of ours This is the most everlasting Repertee Ounds she has given me the Griping of the Guts in studying an Answer Come come away Tob. Will I am certainly the unlucky'st fellow in the World Why should not I be now as witty as thee but onely Natures a son of a Whore Destiny 's a Slut and Fortunes a Bitch or else Men had had predominance in talk not Women well the Devil will have e'm for 't one day that 's my comfort Exeunt Const. Hard fate of Women that bestow your hearts where is no return and
Gentleman your Friend Tob. Sir the Truth is my Brothers a little off o th' Hooks but 't will quickly away 'T is only the over-flows of Wit You know the old saying Sine aliquo Dementio nullus Phoebus This Wit is plaguy troublesome Harr. Right Sir Therefore to prevent I 'le take my leave till some other time Exit Harry Is he gone Dam him he has no Money now not a souse I know it Upon honour in this age a Man knows not who to bestow his Gallantry upon If he gets among Persons of Quality they are so Critical that he has not matter enough to work on If amongst the Vulgar 't is lost upon 'em for the sence of paying a Reckoning makes them as dull as a Cantabrigian newly enter'd into Orders Flail Ay this London's a wicked place that 's the Truth on 't Che ' have gone 3 mile about and can hardly see ought but Ale-housen and Taberns Tob. Nay the worst is one can hardly know a Church from a Tavern but only the Church has ne'r a Sign Zeeh. A good Observation Gad I 'le pinch thee for that Pinch him Bandog leave your Church you Dog and execute my Mandates Ha ha ha Kicks away his Staff he falls down Tob. Ha ha ha up again Flail there 's no harm done Udshash Zechiel's grown an arch wag Flail Arch quoth a 'Slid he has broke my Nose D' e laugh Ah you may be asham'd o' your Actions Your Worshipful Father wou'd ne'r ha' serv'd me zo Flail Nay No anger Flaile No anger What 's a fall to a Man o' thy parts Upon honour 't is customary here to give or take a fall from any Man especially amongst Frends Lord Bellamore Mr. Manly and Footmen pass over the Stage Bella. Sirra take this Letter and do as I command you away you shall find me in the Mail Ex. Footmen Come Manly le ts away how now Who 's here My Fop of the Temple Iack This is he I told thee of I won 300 Guineys of him t'other night at Back-gammon Manl. 'T was well you won 'em They might else have been thrown away upon one of far less merit for I see he has a kind of a losing Face he 'l ne'r thrive at play Zech. My Noble Lord I kiss your Lordships great Toe Worthy Sir your Adorer Upon honour my Lord you had the most Victorious Chance t'other night I ever knew But since it was my Fortune to lose Fate did me a great honour in choosing your Lordship for my Conquerour Bella. Sir the most worthy are still more subject to ill chance and 't is as absolutely impossible for me to excuse my own good Fortune as to enlarge upon your Merits Zech. Ah! Your Lordship o'rewhelms me in the deluge of your Gallantries Be pleas'd to know my Brother my Lord. 'T is true he 's meanly apparel'd because newly come from the Blessing of 1500 a year in the Country to spend a Month or two in Town but else upon honour of a good stature straight Back and a Head of most hopeful expectation Bella. He seems no less Sir I wish I had leisure to comment upon his Perfections Zech. Then here 's my Bandog a tough Rascal a Fellow of so strange a Constitution that 'thas been often disputed which was the better bred he or his Oxen Upon honour a second Hobson my Lord an everlasting Plough-share do but view him Stand forth O Man of Motley Ha ha ha he blushes upon honour he changes Countenance Manl. Not for a worse I hope Bella. No not unless he should steal one off the Poles at London Bridge But come Prithee le ts away Such another description would induce me to beat his Fellow for spoiling my Stomach to my Dinner Aside Zech. What 's that Dinner Will your Lordship dine with me a dish of Partredges and a Jowl of Salmon my Lord. Bella. But your sawce is scurvy and will doubtless corrode upon my Nature Zech. Gad the best sawce in the World This Fellow was Cook to the King of France and upon honour is the most ingenious in his Function of any Man in Christendome Man But Sir our intrigue lies another way Bella. Sir we are today Men of great Business and there is a pressing Affair that requires instant performance Therefore adieu Ex. Bel. Man Zech. This is the bane of our Nobility Pride Sloth and ill Manners undoes the Nation Tob. A Lord quoth a If all Lords have no more breeding than this the Nation is like to have a hopeful House of Peers Udshash I could have carried matters better than so my self For with reverence be it spoken and under the Rose my Lord was as unmannerly a Fellow as I ever saw Flail Ha ha ha He a Noble Man and punctilio no better by th' Mass the Maior of our Town has more manners by half Zech. Pshaw What 's matter Let 'em go upon honour I scorn their Ignorance and to let 'em see the Power of a Man of Wit Thou and I will Lampoon ' em I 'le teach thee within this three days to be a Man of Mode and thou shalt talk and roar and fight and sing even with the best nay Cocks of all the Bullies I 'le teach thee the most new and dextrous way of picking Wenches up Then thou shalt know their tempers constitutions Whether they are i th' Boat or may be Boarded Thou shalt know every thing Boy I 'le be a true Brother to thee Tob. Hoy Boys then I 'le warrant I 'le learn quickly Nay Udshash I 'm very quick at any thing I give my mind to Zeeh. No more blowing of Noses on your sleeve nor twirling of Band-strings d' e hear but when you are in Company Cock your Hat place your Arms thus look like the Son of Thunder and cry Hoh Tob. Hoh Udshash I 'le warrant thee I 'le do 't Zech. Then we 'l have our names alter'd Let the old Prophets keep their Appellations we 'l be new Christned Mine shall be Filloflorido thine Rounsivell Hey Rounsivell Upon honour it sounds rarely and then for humour Tob. Ay ay I warrant thee Boy If I can but get a little Wit into this Pate of mine let me alone for humour Zech. Then my Pithagoras shall thou and I make a Transmigration of Souls Thou shalt marry my Mistress and thy Wife shall be my Gracious Paramour 17 Puncks shall be thy proportion thou shalt sleep in the comfort of clean Linnen Wench with a safe Conscience and eat no more fresh Beef at Supper but the Flesh-pots of Aegypt shall fatten thee and the Grashopper flourish in thy Summer Tob. Hoy Rare rare Phillorolido Prithee give me a note o' thy Name Udshash I shall ne'r hit on 't else Zech. Come away then we 'l go presently and practice And to the Tavern door make our Approaches Like Hect'ring Gallants rushing from Gilt Coaches Exeunt Finis Actus Primi ACT. II. Scene 1. The Mail Enter Lord Bellamore and Manley Bella. A
MADAM FICKLE OR THE Witty False One. A COMEDY As it is Acted at his Royal Highness the DUKE's THEATRE Written by Tho Durfey Gent. HORAT Non cuivis homini contingit adire Corinthum Licensed November 20. 1676. ROGER L'ESTRANGE LONDON Printed by T. N. for Iames Magnes and Rich. Bentley in Russel-street in Covent-garden near the Piazza ' s. M.DC.LXXVII TO HIS GRACE THE Duke of Ormond Lord High Steward of His Majesties Houshold Knight of the Noble Order of the Garter and one of His Majesties most Honourable Privy Council May it please your Grace THough the Presumption I might have been guilty of in this Dedication is somewhat excused in your Graces Permission yet the meanness of this Trifle infuses a secret shame into me when I consider how ill a Present I have made to a Person of such eminent Merit and Grandeur whose obliging and not to be exampled Clemency induces him to Patronize a Piece that rather diminishes than brings the least addition to his Fame Had it been an Heroick Poem I might have open'd my eyes with greater assurance and cherish'd my ambitious thoughts with the resolution of honouring some happy Heroe with your Graces illustrious Character and so under pretence of a slender merit springing from the Work have insinuated my self into your Favour But whereas other Authors are happy in this particular how little have I to boast of when all I can say in my defence is That its only good Fortune was in being the Subject of the Courts diversion where their Noble Clemency and Good Nature were extremely requisite in covering its defects from the too Censorious His Majesty according to His accustomed Royal and Excellent Temper was pleas'd to descend so far as to give it a particular Applause which was seconded by your Grace little considering my Lord the Pride a young Author might be infected with in seeing his Play honour'd with so dignified an Approbation But when I had the honour to wait upon you and saw shining in all your Actions the glorious Beams of Humility Courtesie true Honour and Virtue Perfections seldom seen in Great Men 't is impossible for me to decipher my thoughts nor had I power to utter them for my Minds surprize added to the imperfection of my Speech though I had leisure to consider how despicable a thing is Pride when supprest by the pious Inclinations of a generous Virtue Pardon me my Lord if the indefatigable Zeal I owe your Grace makes me wander from the nicer Rules of Dedication And I beseech you believe that as to Admire you I never can enough so to Flatter you is far beyond my power you being far above it I have more reason to beg your Pardon for this Trespass than to incur your Anger for another Default A Buffoon though he may be often stil'd the sport and diversion of Princes would very ill become the Name of their Companion And so this Play though it had the Fortune to please you as Spectator must needs blush at its insufficiency being receiv'd as a Bosome Friend Confession my Lord makes an abatement of the Crime and to make it wholly pardonable the rest must be impos'd upon your Graces Clemency that authoriz'd my Boldness the Clemency that drew me from a melancholy Retirement where Content and I were often quarrelling about a slender Fortune to visit the blissful Habitation of Virtue and Grandeur Birds sing most sweetly that sit in the Sun-beams and 't is I confess the Natural Ambition of most Poets to shelter themselves under the Wings of Nobility Encouragement adding more sweetness to their Pens and more vivacity to their Fancy But to study to deserve the blessing of your Favour shall be ever the great and sole Ambition of MY LORD Your Graces most humble And most devoted Servant Tho Durfey DRAMATIS PERSONAE Lord Bellamour Mr. Betterton Manley Friend to Bellam. Mr. Smith Sir Arthur Oldlove an Antiquary Mr. Sandford Captain Tilbury an old fashion'd blunt Fellow Mr. Medbourn Zechiel Toby Sons to Tilbury Mr. Anthony Leigh Mr. Iames Nokes Old Iollyman Mr. Vnderhill Harry Son to Iollyman Mr. Ievan Flaile Servant to Tilbury Mr. Richards Dorrel alias Friendlove Mr. Norrice WOMEN Madam Fickle Mrs. Mary Lee. Constantia Daughter to Sir Arthur Mrs. Barrer Arbella Mrs. Gibbs Silvia Attendant to Fickle Mrs. Napper Three Wenches Constable Watch Footmen Maskers Musitioners and Attendants SCENE Covent-Garden Prologue by Mr. Smith FAncy and Sence the glorious Twins of Wit That us'd t' imbellish what a Poet writ Are now as poor and despicable grown As an old wrinkled Trader of the Town With hollow Eyes no Teeth and tatter'd Gown Like her they are neglected by you Wits And forc'd to trade with Country Squires and Cits Who with their Eighteen-pence uphold the Stage Which you would ruine with your Critick Rage By Heaven Sirs it is a Cursed Age. Too late 't is now for Poets to get Fame Their Works are only fit for you to Dam. They toil 't is true but gain instead of Praise Malignant Censures Thorns instead of Bayes The great Cabal so partial do appear An Authors Wit lies buried in his Fear And as a Painter in his skill grown nice Still mends and mends till he has spoil'd the Piece So too much care in striving to essay New Scenes of Wit oft ruines a good Play The Factious Club are Merciless of late Carping Ill-natur'd and Degenerate Sifting so much to find each little Fault They lose their best diversion in their Thought And though facetious Playes and th' learned Pit When Colledges have fail'd have taught them Wit The Stages Ruine unconcern'd you see And Dam th' Original of Gallantry Shou'd we leave off then we shou'd hear you say Dam 'em what Drones are these why don't they Play ' Sblud I shall never leave this Wenching vein Jack my last swinging Clap's broke out agen And if we do Play then you Censure raise And to encourage us Dam all our Playes Nothing will please I wonder what a Devil Makes Men of Wit so formally uncivil But since 't is so and you thus Cruel prove We must appeal t' our Friends that sit above Whose wise indifferent Censures grace a Play As Squibs and Crackers do a Lord Mayors Day MADAM FICKLE OR THE Witty False One. ACT. I. Scene 1. Enter Jollyman and Harry Ioll. SIrra Not a Penny I say 't is lost upon thee Harr. I say How Sir Ioll. How Sir I 'le tell you Sir First thou art a Melancholly Fellow a kind of Hypocondriack as I am told and instead of making spoilst good Company Harr. Pish Good Sir believe it not Ioll. Secondly Sirra thou hast quite forgot to sing a Quality that was Hereditary a Benefit that has Grac'd our Family for above these 20 years and like a Varlet thou hast neglected it Harr. Not I i' faith Sir You are mis-inform'd I am not melancholly nor any thing of that which you imagine I can sing too loudly and for the Benefit of
Company 'T is true Sir want of Money Ioll. Sirra Sirra a lye deserves a Cudgel Do not vex me Udsbores Did I not see you yesterday at Sir Arthur Oldloves holding your hands up thus conning your Lesson What business can you have with Antiquaries except it be to practice disobedience or turn Precisian to disgrace thy Family Harr. Why Sir I 'le tell you what Ioll. No Sir You need not I know the trick already Speed the Plough Sir Alas What shou'd you do with Money To you that neglect the World Money 's a Torment I have consider'd it and will not tempt you Money was made for those that laugh and drink with appetite whose merry Souls put Padlocks on dull Conscience and live the life of sence cum Privilegio Harr. I will excel in Mirth Sir Every day shall give you proof each hour variety your House shall ring with shouts of Joy and Musick I long have wish'd it so But still the Duty the reserved Reverence that I bore you Sir made me forbear But since you 'l have it otherwise it meets my wishes fully Ioll. And mine too Sir And a pox on Reverence I say an Ounce of true English Mirth is worth a Pound on 't But this Antiquary What Business had you there Sir answer me that Harr. Sir there is a rich Widow lodges at his House one to whom my private inclinations have been long devoted and by feigning an Austerity yesterday in Sir Arthur's Company I got access to her Ioll. Is she merry can she sing Harr. To a Miracle Sir She 's extreamly Musical Plays o' th' Guittar and tells a Story with the best Grace I ever saw Ioll. ' Sbud a fine Woman I warrant her Hang pinching Harry thou shalt have her Harr. She 's very reserv'd but withall uses a modest freedom that 's infinitely taking Ioll. Udsbores I like it well a merry Modesty and an unstained Integrity add much to Feminine Capacities Let the world rub Harry I say thou shalt have her There there 's Money for thee Nay if thou wer 't there upon design 't is another matter I must allow that When I was a young Man I was the best at a design Ah I could ha' gone through stitch i'faith But come hang pinching Harry thou shalt have her SONG Away with the Causes of Riches and Cares That poison our Spirits and shorten our Years No pleasure can be In state or degree But 't is mingl'd with trouble and fears Then perish all Fops by a Sobriety dull'd Whilst he that is merry reigns Prince of the World The Querks of the Zealous of Beauty or Wit Tho' supported by Power at last must submit For he that is sad Grows wretched or mad Whilst Mirth like a Monarch does sit It cherishes life in the Old and the Young And makes every day be both happy and long Ioll. By Heav'n a rare Woman a most Divine Creature Sirra there 's more Money and do but wheedle dexterously Do but get this Woman and then hang pinching let the World rub Harr. I 'le warrant you Sir So I have open'd his Purse at last How now who 's this Enter Tilbury and Toby Ioll. Hoh My old Friend and Fellow-Collegian Mr. Tilbury I' faith I am glad to see you This was good luck to meet you here after so long absence Pray how fare all our old Friends in Salisbury Tilb. In health Sir hard labour plain Diet and Hearts Ease are still the best Physicians All well All well Ioll. Why let the World rub I am glad on 't i' faith This is your Son I think Mr. Tilbury Tilb. One of 'em Sir Toby your Hat T'other hand Sirra Well this Boy will never learn breeding Ioll. Oh I 'le warrant you Sir here he 'l soon learn that a very hopeful youth indeed Tilb. Ay Ay. God send him Grace Sir he may do well enough What Mr. Harry By Coxbodikins I did not know you You are grown a lusty stripling since I saw you last Ah Lord how time passes I am heartily glad to see you Good Mr. Harry ' Sbud he sprouts up finely I hope your Mother 's well Mr. Harry Harr. Very well Sir Tilb. Still twirling your Hat and sqeezing your Gloves To Toby Sirra leave that trick or by St. Iago I 'le lame thee I wonder when you see Mr. Harry in such a posture Ioll. Oh give him a little time Sir he is not yet wean'd from the Country Tilb. No no my Cudgel shall wean him Good Sir let me go Sirra Sirra Have I not told you of this Ioll. He 'l mend it quickly Sir Pray have a little patience and setting this apart what business brought you to Town good Mr. Tilbury Tilb. Why Sir I have a Suit of Law depending here i th' Chancery which I am resolv'd to make an end of and my next business is I intend to marry both my Sons to two Fortunes which are here provided for ' em Ioll. Both Why have you another Son Tilb. Another Yes Zechiel Did you never hear of Zechiel H 'as been a Student in the Temple this three years another-ghess fellow than this I assure you all Air and Spirit he ' Sbodikins I am told in the Country there 's not a true Wit in all the Fraternity but he Ioll. Why then hang pinching he 's a brave fellow Come Sir here 's a Glass of excellent old Hock here at Longs I 'le give you your wellcome to Town Tilb. Old Hock what a Dickins is that Sir a Dish of Racy Canary if you please I am for no Hocks ' Sbodikins Wine was never good since it has been corrupted with such barbarous notions Ioll. Well Sir I 'le warrant you I 'le please you Tilb. Sirra walk you yonder in the what d' e call ' ems the Piazza's and if Flaile my Man come direct him hither And d' e hear leave that sneaking Dog-look of yours or by St. Iago Well I say no more for this time Do'nt provoke me Ex. Till Joll. Tob. What a peevish old fellow 't is Sure he has been stung with a Wasp to day He 's so fretful But Udshash I 'le not be controul'd so and so I 'le tell him when time serves Harr. Faith Sir he 's a little too severe Why he uses you like a meer Child Tob Ay like an Infant huh because he 's old he thinks no body has breeding but himself but Udshash in Salisbury I assure you I pass for the more accomplish'd person Harr. Without doubt Sir he were an errant Coxcomb that wou'd dispute that why you have a good Presence Tob. Yes thank a good Nurse I am pretty well fortified by Nature and yet every thing I do he forsooth mislikes as if I were a Fool and knew not how to carry my self Udshash I wonder he has no more Civility Harr. O Sir Old Men that have the prerogative of being Fathers think it but decent to use that liberty But setting aside this Discourse Mr. Toby may not my
Ambition desire the satisfaction of knowing the name of this excellent person you are to marry Tob. Why Sir to tell you the Truth of the business I don't know her name my self for I never saw her yet For the old Fool my Father carries matters so closely that I can never know any thing But by Ieroboam I 'le fit him For if I marry without good pre-meditation I am the Son of an East-India Bagpiper and so Udshash I 'le tell him Harr. Marry a stranger and one you never saw By Heaven 't is unreasonable Tob. Udshash He 's the most unreasonable Cormudgeon you ever knew i th' Winter he will not let me come near the fire for fear of catching Chil-blanes Harr. Not warm your self Tob. No Did you ever hear the like But Zooks I fitted him once for I burnt a whole Stack of Hay down to the ground on that occasion and warm'd my self in spight of him Harr. Ha ha ha a Witty invention by my life but Mr. Toby I suppose you know what Quality she that must be your Wife is Tob. Yes yes She 's of very good Quality and a Widow and very rich I am told Harr. A Widow Sir 'Sdeath if it should be my Mistress Tob. As to her Conditions I am ignorant of 'em but they had need be good for I have miss'd many a Wealthy Match for her sake Harr. Certainly Sir I 've the honour to know this Lady pray where does she lodge Tob D' e know her I 'm glad o' that i'faith You may do me a great kindness in telling me some of her Conditions Why Sir she lodges here in Bridges-street at the House of Sir Arthur Oldlove the fam'd Antiquary Harr. The same by Heav'n 'Sdeath was ever such luck Sir I was involv'd in a mistake I thought she had been a Lady of my acquaintance But good Sir how came this Match so forward since you say she 's a stranger to you Tob. Why Sir You must know this same Sir Arthur is my Fathers intimate Friend and this Widow lodging at his House he presently gave notice of it Telling him he doubted not but he could make her a Match for me But the main Cause of his kindness is because he designs my Brother Zechiel to marry his Daughter Harr. Very good now have I an itching mind to swinge this Aside Rascall But 't is so notorious a Fool that a beating is lost upon him Then you 'r resolv'd to marry Tob. Yes Hang 't I will marry I fancy there 's a great deal of pleasure in 't First to command a Family and sit at the upper end of the Table Then to make my Wife serve instead of a Vallet de Chambrè and never pay her no Wages neither Then to command her this way that way t'other way and every way for this thing that thing t'other thing and every thing Udshash 't is very pretty Harr. But Sir you still miss the right end of Marriage Tob. That 's all one Sir why we must take our Fortune 'T is as the Fates decree Harr Gad the Fates are very uncivil to meddle in a matter that so nearly concerns you But Sir There 's one thing more there 's a certain ill Fate attends Marriage Horns Sir are you not afraid of being a Cuckold Tob. A Cuckold ha ha ha I see he 's a little foolish a Cuckold Sir Udshash in Salisbury they know not what it means 'T is your London Air that breeds Cuckolds Here 's your horny Forrest But Udshash they say here a Courtier can't walk the streets without being perpetually troubled in returning the Complements to some of his Cuckolds Besides they 'r so general a Society here that no body minds 'em but in Salisbury if a man is suspected to be a Cuckold he presently gets into Office either of Constable or head Church warden that his degree may recover his disgrace Nay for better security some of 'em Padlock their Wives And Udshash that is certainly the safest way and I wonder the Citizens here don't take it into Consideration Harr. Get one of the Common Council to petition the King for an Act of Parliament to that purpose Tob. 'T may be necessary as things stand sometimes But see here comes Flaile Udshash my Brother too now for a peale of Wit Enter Zechiel and Flaile Zech. Hah Toby Beangarson touch Flesh touch Flesh Wellcome to Town i'faith upon honour thou lookst well only thy Clothes a little disguise thee but no matter where 's my Father hah Bandog and I have been seeking him this hour prithee where is he Tob. Gone to the Tavern with an old Friend of his Zech. Come Let us go thither too Upon honour the Tavern 's a sweet place and next to the Play-house the most becoming a Gentleman of any thing Sir I kiss your hand and beg your To Harry Pardon for neglect in Salutation But my Eyes being serenely fix'd upon my Brother there happen'd an accedental Eclipse between my imprison'd Aspect and Sir your Person But the Luminaries of my Soul being kindled by discretion I have now liberty to acknowledge and amend my fault committed in point of Demeanour Tob. What! What 's all this Udshash Zechiel's mad Harr. Sir I am very unskilful in a Repartee of this Nature and therefore beg your excuses if all I can say is that your wit had no occasion for half this Apology Zech. Sir your very Servant Toby Come let 's to the Tavern upon honour I 'le make thee drunk to night give me thy hand What dull flat like a Poet in a Church prithee hold up thy head and laugh Man and let us sing and roar and drink away the night like Sons of Thunder to morrow will be time enough to see my Father Hey come along Boy Bandog Sirra you shall go too You shall drink Bumpers out of your Custard-Cap you Rogue and be drunk for the honour of your Countrey Strikes off Flailes Hat Tob. Yes yes He 's mad Flail ' Slid For ought I see you need no Wine Prating will in a short time make you too drunk for any civil Maps company Zech. Well said Ploughshare Why how now Bully still in thy Dumps not a word to save a Mans longing To Toby Prithee look up and speak like a Man of Worship 'Sdeath I must new mould you e're we part I perceive that you 'l degenerate else Upon honour he 's no kin to me that is not as brisk as a Dancing-Master Give me the Spirit of Conversation a Man that sings and talks and laughs and stares and comes aloft thus with agility hah Vaults Harr. Like a Taylor ore ' a Washing-block Well I must leave 'em for the Disease of Folly is as catching as that of the Plague Gentlemen your Servant Zech. Ah Sir you will not leave us Shall we not break a jest together o're a Glass of Burgundy Upon honour a Man of Wit is to me as welcome as a Beautiful Woman Toby address your self the
Fool is a Vacuum in Nature a Prolix story without Marginal Notes in whose Company a man neither gets credit nor profit If he be Rich his greatest perfection is Avarice If Poor he is altogether despicable and unfit for Society Manl. I am not of your mind for if Profit turn the Scale there 's certainly most to be got by half-witted people and as to the disgrace the Notion of a Fool is so general and there 's so many sorts of 'em that a man loses not an Inch of Reputation but rather gets credit by their defect Enter Page Bella. Now Sirra what news Page I deliver'd your Letter as your Lordship directed and she desires your Visit to be as speedily as you can for she has a Kinsman that about an hour hence has ingag'd himself to wait on her whose Company she fears may be very prejudicial Bella. I 'le be with her presently Iack I must beg thy pardon Manl. What an assignation my Lord A Love-challenge I warrant Bella. Even so i'faith and I must thither instantly Where shall we meet at night Manl. At Lambs with the Fidles and a Talboy Bella. Agreed I will not fail thee Iack farewell Sirra follow me Exit Bell. and Page Manl. So I am glad it happens thus I should else have been put to the trouble of excusing my absence from him Let me see 't is now five a Clock at six I promis'd Celia to visit her and his absence gives me a happy opportunity To perform it I 'le take a walk round the Park and by that time 't will be very near the hour Ex. Man Enter Zechiel and Toby in a new Suit Zech. Splendid and Gent upon honour thou art Metamorphos'd a Courtier of the first Edition Thou hast the Town Air already and wearst thy Clothes with a boon mene Walk a little walk ah observe always to keep your Toes outward and your Elbows as far back as you can that 's right give me thy hand Upon honour thou art a modish Fellow Tob. Udshash I must quarrel I shall not be a right Gallant till I have beaten some body or am beaten it 's all one Hah Philloromine Plague on 't I shall never hit of thy name Zech. Thou shalt beat a Constable to night thou and I will scour through the Flannel Mermidons and come off Conquerors nay rather than fail thou shalt beat me But I 'le ha' thee flesh'd Stand here Suppose me now a Drawer and that I had been tardy in procuring a Wench according to your order What wou'd you do o th' sudden Tob. Do Why thus a Box o th' Ear for a Prologue you know that 's but reasonable Strikes him Zech. Right upon honor 'T is necessary but forward Tob. Hoy Scaramouchi Rascal Poltron Popinjay Son of 20 Fathers besides out-liers comers and goers must a Man of honour wait your leisure you Dog and miss his necessary diversion through the negligence of such a Scarab Udsbores I 'le beat thee into a Tripe No hast No attendance Beats Zechiel Zech. Hold hold ha ha ha the right Town-humour Ned Flash to the life ha ha ha Let me kiss thee for this if thou canst but get the art of gleaning from Plays and remember'st but my Rules for picking up Wenches upon honour in a short time not a Bully Rock of 'em all can come near thee for Gallantry Tob. Ay but they say the best way of picking up Wenches is to speak Bawdy to ' em and the Truth is I am a little shame-fac'd at present but I shall quickly come to 't Enter Arbella Constantia and Page Arb. So pleasant and so inconstant a Temper till now I never knew Her Carriage is so graceful and obliging that 't is infinitely delightful to all Companies and if she happens to speak of love me thinks there flows a sweetness from her Language that charms the Ear. Const. And yet she 's false as Hell so strangely wedded to inconstancy that the Town begins to take notice of her and speak the more loudly as being ignorant of her quality Sirra carry that Letter as I directed you Tob. Udshash Here 's Women Brother good Boy I 'le begone My Heart fails me already I shall never be able to speak to ' em Zech. Not speak to ' em Upon honour thou shalt bravely too What flinch in thy first Charge Come back for shame observe me I 'le begin I 'le introduce thee Ladies the Devil take me if it be not a Maxime against Reason and Civility for you to walk thus without Servants But obliging Fortune a particular Friend to your Sex has sent hither for that Employment my Brother and my self and if your pleasure Arb. Sir you will add very much to our pleasure to leave us for we are in so ill a humour that the Overtures of your Imaginary Wit will be lost upon us Zech. Leave you Shall I leave a Lady to the Tyranny of Melancholly that may be diverted with the pleasure my Company Madam I know more of the Punctilio's of Civility than so therefore as I was saying My Brother and my self Const. Oh Heavens Madam This is the very Fool that my Father designs me to Marry Arb. It seems he knows you not Const. No he never saw me but once and then 't was at a Window Zech. My Brother and my self Madam two of the most accomplish'd Sparks i th' Town Arb. Two of the most conceited Fops i th' Town Zech. That shall be punctual in observing your Commands Const. That shall be beaten most unmercifully if you stay a little longer Zech. Beaten Madam What rash Presumer careless of his life dares think a thought like that Beaten Tob. Udshash she has quell'd my Courage already wou'd I were at home again Zech. But I see Madam you are disposed to rally Beaten There goes more to the beating of a Man of Parts than you imagine Upon honour I was my self once so well skill'd in beating people that the Herald had like to have given me a Battoon for my Crest thereby to have signaliz'd my Valour to Posterity Arb. I wonder you miss'd so decent an Honour For I am of opinion 't was an excellent Device and very suitable to your new-coind Gentility Zech. New-coin'd Damme this comes of walking without a Foot-boy Brother prithee come and espouse my quarrel These Eternal Talkers have made my Throat as dry as a Spunge already Come Address Address They tell me that ours is a new-coin'd Gentility Const. Well Sir and what has your large quantity of Wit to say on this occasion Tob. I say why I say Say you what you will The Family of the Tilburies is an Ancient Family God bless the Royal Family as any Family in Christendome and he that says the contrary is the Son of a Whore and my Brother here shall cut him into Steakes Zech. Well said Rounsival Arb. ' Slight Prithee let 's away this angry Fool will beat us Tob. So so now they begin to fear me I
most easie Fop of all my Pretenders There needs no Net for him his own actions are His best Betrayers The other two I confess have More wit But what then Love makes a Dunce of a Councellor and their fondness proves as prejudicial As t'others folly O Men Silly Men That fetter'd with A Smile forget the Business of their Creation the Motives Of their Honour and the safety of their Countrey Thus Far my revenge is prosperous and I 'le forward My Panthers Breath shall draw em to the Snare my Tongue shall Charm my Smiles kindle Loves Fire in their amorous Souls till they 'r scorch'd severely then forsake 'em Whilst in my Breast my Heart obdurate Flint Shall hear and yet not pitty Thus all shall know that were like me refus'd No Serpent like a Woman when abus'd Exeunt Finis Actus Secundi ACT. III. Scene 1. Enter Sir Arthur Oldlove ridiculously drest hung with Medals Tilbury Jollyman Dorell A Table with Scull Sword Vial Shooing-horn Box and Picktooth cum caeteris Sir Arth. SIR 't is no matter what the World thinks The World think why let it think I say once agen 't is such as we redeem lost time from its Chaos of Confusion Is there any thing more pleasant than Antiquities The knowledge of the distinction of Ages or the deeds and manners of the Ancient I say is there any thing more pleasant Oh happy Romans that took this into consideration for my own part I am nothing a man of Ignorance a meer Reptile in these Rarities Ioll. Every man in his humor and let the World rub Appetite and Fancy are two great Monarchs that sway Mortality and hang pinching udsbores 'tis fit they shou'd be satisfi'd but good Sir Arthur what are these Doubtless these are Rarities too Sir Arth. Right Sir and such Rarities that were their worth valu'd the West-Indies were too small to purchase them Tilb. I warrant this has been some Princes or great mans Scull ' sbodikins he looks still with the face of Authority Sir Arth. Fie fie Sir your Hat on This Relique shou'd be toucht with reverence but your ignorance must excuse all Pray stand a little back and give attention This Scull this noble prudent politick Scull once belong'd or as I may more properly say was pertinent to the Body of St Gawaine a Knight of the round Table Tilb. St Gawaine A Dutchman was he not I believe I know some of his Relations Sir Arth. A Dutchman oh insupportable Sir did you ever know a Relique made of the Scull of a Dutchman No he was a Britain Sir a hardy Britain and Nephew to the famous King Arthur of happy memory and this Scull was late resident in Dover Castle brought thither by a fam'd Antiquary whose name time has outworn and since purchas'd by me to illustrate this City amongst the rest of my memorable Antiquities Ioll. Very well Sir proceed Sir Arth. And this here is the fam'd Hero Sir Lancelot du Lake's Sword Tilb. I 'll warrant this has been the death of many a Constable but methinks Sir Arthur the Rust has been a little too bold with it Sir Arth. Ah Sir Rust adds to an Antiquity 't is our Friend And we that are skill'd in these matters can by the Rust on a Sword tell how long it has been durable Ioll. Hang pinching 't was well discover'd I see a man may live and learn tho' he be never so old good Sir forward Sir Arth This here is a Shooing-horn d'mark me Hats off still pray observe it a Shooing horn Ioll. 'T is so Call Servant Sir Arth. This Shooing-horn Gentlemen the first that ever was invented was with reverence be it spoken the necessary implement of the Queen of Sheba and left by her careless Chambermaid at Ierusalem after her visit to King Solomon Tilb. By St Iago an admirable discovery ' sbodikins who would have thought so much ancient Honour could depend upon a Shooing-horn Ioll. Very strange very strange by St. Iago as you say but the stranger the merrier the merrier the better company and so hang pinching let the World rub Sir Arth. This is the Silver-box that Nero's Beard was kept in 't was in the Vatican 300 Years and lately presented to me by a Friend of mine a man of great authority in Rome Tilb. Somewhat like a Tobacco-box Sir Arth. No comparisons good Sir but observe this is the Rubbing-Brush of Silvius Otho and this the Picktooth of Heliogabalus Ioll. Carefully preserv'd from the ruines of time To grace your Study Sir Arthur Sir Arth. Lastly this last tho' most precious and best of all my Reliques this Vial is full of the tears of St. Ierom in former Years pendant upon the Spire of St. Sepulchres Steeple but by my indulgent care and great charge redeem'd from thence when the City was on fire Tilb. A thing of moment Sir and worth your diligence Enter Servant Serv Sir there 's two Gentlemen below desire admittance Tilb. Sbodikins my sons my sons Sir Arthur I order'd them to come hither that they might see the Ladies you writ me word of Friend shew 'em the way up Ex. Serv. Sir Arth. You did well Sir Dorell go see if my Neece be at leisure and bid my daughter come hither Ex. Dor. Ioll. Ay ay come hang pinching let 's see the Lady let Women make up the Consort and then let the World rub there 's mirth and frolick in 't but without Women udsbores 'tis prolix 't is impertinent 't is every thing ill and nothing well hang pinching Women Women I say Tilb. Well said 5-and-50 by St. Iago thou grow'st young agen thou' rt a very Boy Ioll. Not frozen not frozen heart whole and warm enough to keep out Weather udsbores when I was 1-and-20 I was the sprightly'st Fellow I cou'd have sung and danc'd and leapt and jumpt hey troll faith but 't is past now however I am sound hem not so old but I am a jolly man still and hang pinching let the World rub Sir Arth. Well I say still there 's nothing so becoming as Gravity Enter Zechiel Toby and Flaile Tilb. Zechiel my Boy how dost thou kiss me sirra s'bud I am glad to see thee they tell me y' are grown an arch Wag hah how now what Metamorphosis sirra where got you them Cloaths To Tob. Tob. Now must I give him a private Item or this ignorant old Fool will disgrace me before all the compay Takes him aside Tilb. Oh! are they so Sir Well God give ye joy But Zechiel prithee what News in Town Dost thou thrive hah Zech. Thrive there 's a Salisbury question already upon Honour 't is pity my Father was no better bred Sir the nourishing facundity pertinent to our sphere has bestow'd a better Talent on me than can be possibly acquir'd by Fortunes donation and therefore Noble Sir Arthur I sue to kiss your hand I was so bury'd in my Fathers Caresses that I protest my eyes were Traytors Sir Arth. Sir I
Bell. A good Theme Sir worthy of your Wits invention no doubt a great piece of ingenuity Aside Zech. Come my witty Devottees of Venus You must be assistant here To three Wenches Hey Drawer where are you Sirra Enter Drawers with an empty Butt Come hither Toby thou shalt personate god Bacchus Give him Wreath there and a Bumper Come up up advance into the Throne Tob. gets on the Butt So now Ladies kneel and pay obedience to your Emperor My Lord I must beg your Lordship to bear part in the Ceremony There on that side my Lord Drawer give every one a Glass Flourish Musick and drink Hey Flourish all drink Tob. How do I present it ha methinks it becomes me very well Zech. Look big look a little bigger you know the Effigie Ioll. By the Lord Harry I 'll kiss thee for this my Darling of the dark-Well I am resolv'd to disinherit my Son and adopt thee hang pinching I 'll do 't Boy and let the World rub Zech. Come now to the Song and let all parts be ready for the Chorus SONG Bacchus thou mighty Power Divine Great God of Mirth and sprightly Wine Behold us here that Kneeling show The Duty that we owe We through thy influence rejoyce And thus with free and chearful voyce The Fame and Praises sing Of Bacchus our great God and King Chor. 'T is Wine 't is Wine that still controuls And Fame and Love must both strike Sail There lies such vigor in full Bowls The Fate of Princes can't prevail The Wreaths of great Heroes his Altar shall Crown Whil'st the Grave and the Prudent bow down When Beauty darts a smiling Beam Our Souls are 〈…〉 by Loves extreme But one brisk Glass takes Care away And yields us back the Prey No Fate of Love or piercing Dart Can wound when Wine surrounds the heart Still guarding it from Care It baffles Fate and slights the Fair. Chor. 'T is Wine 't is Wine c. Dance Ioll. Spark let me embrace thee ' udsbores thou art the Mirror of our Age and hast the best principles of English Gallantry I ever saw Ah would I were but 5-and-20 for thy sake but come hang pinching 't is well it 's no worse as my friend Hearty sayes Zech. What think you my Lord is it not Modish by Heav'n 't is new that 's one good property and I believe 't will take very well Bell. Sir if you will take my opinion in this business I think it an excellent Invention and were I you I wou'd have Books printed that the World may not be ignorant ' igad you have this encouragement the Press has been troubled with matters of less consequence Tob. I tell you I have 200 l. a Year I 've my Lands free and unmorgag'd and am resolv'd to keep a Miss according to the Mode therefore speak now or for ever hold your peace 1 Wench But which of us would you have Sir Tob Either of you Udshash I 'm a right Countrey Squire any thing will serve my turn if the properties be not wanting What 's your price 1 Wench Why in truth Sir I have had 40 s. a Week but in kindness to a Man of your Complexion I 'll abate a Crown Tob. My Complexion ah wheadling Queen Ioll. Come Sirra Drawer fill each his Glass Hey Let the World rub and let 's have t'other Song Enter Flaile Fla. Zong quoth a Lord zave us a Zong pray pray good folks pray oh oh Zech. How now Bandog what makes you howl thus ha Fla. Howl by Coxnowns you 'll howl too if you stay longer y'have kill'd a Mon yonder he that you quarrel'd with about your Crack there 'slid she have a good mind to crack her for 't and God save his Soul they think he 's dead The Constable and a Regiment of Beggars I mean Bilbo's are searching for you and just coming up the street uds-diggers up you go if they can catch ye Oh that ever the ancient Family of the Tilburies should come to such disgrace 2 Wench Nay then this is no time for Merchandizing Exeunt Wenches Zech. Malicious Fortune Heav'n what shall I do if I am taken I shall certainly be hang'd Bell. Pox not for killing a Man in Term-time Sir you know the Town 's full Ioll. Hang'd Heav'n defend my merry Wag is' t come to that Hang'd Gentlemen your Servant I 've a little earnest business Bell. Nay Sir leave not your Friends in adversity for my part I 'm resolv'd to stick to 't if we are hang'd Tob. If we are hang'd quoth a Ah Lord the very word has put me into an Ague Bell. If we do miscarry Sir why let the World rub as you say Tob. Ay ay you need not fear you are a Lord you 'll come off well enough 't is we shall stretch for 't udshash nothing vexes me but that I cannot stay to perform my bargain with Mrs Iuniper there A noise without Hark they come the Devil take the hindmost Runs into the Tavern Zech. And so say I. Bell. Dam ' em Are they gone What Scarabs are these to trust a Tavern security beyond a Sword What Sirra are you creeping away too turn back and help to defend you Dog or Noise within follow follow Fla. O Lord Sir I defend Sir Bell. Fight Sirra and fight valiantly too or by this Steel Fla. Well Sir I will I will oh what will become of me Ioll. Come my Lord have at 'em since it must be so here 's old Madge has not seen Sun these 20 Years shall be scowr'd in some of their Guts rather than I 'll be taken udsbores I have been valiant in my time Bell. I must quickly dispatch for fear of a disappointment with my Corinna Enter Constable and Watch. Const. Oh here they are Caitiffs Rogues Murderers down down with 'em my Men o' Midnight fall on in the Kings name fall on They fight Constable and Watch are beaten off Enter Toby Tob. No hole ne'r a corner to creep into This is the worst contriv'd house I ever saw Hangd did he say Marry Heav'n defend I am too raw a Bully to venture hanging yet oh well remember'd ifaith here 's the Butt the Throne of Baccbus as Zechiel calls it this will be a rare place to secure my self in gets into the Butt the Devil 's in 'em if they search here I 'll stay till the Cry is over and then home to my Lodging I love a Debauch till it comes to Fighting but then methinks it grows troublesom Hark here they come now close like a Coney in a Burrow Re-enter Constable and Watch. Const. Why Neighbors we were mistaken these were none of those that hurt the Man I am told 't was two Brothers and that they were dog'd to this Tavern Come come they must be here still let 's in and see Ex. Enter Zechiel above in a Baloony Zech Was ever poor Night-walker in such distress What shall I do They are searching within and the damn'd Rogues are
wanting merit to deserve this return Bell. Was I not worthy of your favor Har. And was my heart too base to be your slave L. Fick By Heav'n no all your deserts are boundless and I am far unworthy your addresses and since I am discover'd you shall know why I have us'd you thus I lov'd and was betray'd and for this cause swore a Revenge on all that should love me To make it plainer to ye I am marry'd My husband fir'd with jealousie forsook me to spend his time in Travel since I have liv'd a Widow in opinion and wheadled many Suitors but lov'd none Sir Arth. Why then your Husband lives L. Fick I know not Sir I have not seen him since Dor. Yes Sir he lives and lives to bless the hour he took up this disguise oh my Sweet Consider humane frailty and forgive my Crime of too much Jealousie Pulls off his Beard L. Fick My dear Friendlove Can this be true Am I then once more blest with thy Caresses Sir Arth. Hey Dorel metamorphiz'd to Mr Friendlove by Melchizedech this is strange Bell. Marry'd Gad I have spent my time very finely well if ever I trust a Widow agen may I wear Horns like Acteon and seek for a Patrimony in terra incognita Dor. I swear I have been cruel to thy Virtue but my whole life shall sue to make amends and my noble Lord and you Gentlemen whatever Presents on this Ladies behalf have been receiv'd shall be return'd with ample satisfaction and since espousing her perfections I am bound to have a particular interest in her actions If any one here holds himself wrong'd my person shall give him the acknowledgment he demands and my Sword the satisfaction of a Gentleman Bell. Sir I hope you think I dare fight and refuse not through fear but since I see she had some reason for what she did my particular resentments are not worth a quarrel My thoughts now bowing down to this shrine of beauty To Arb. Man And mine to this Madam Can you forgive To Const. Arb. 'T were an excellent revenge to use you as my Lady Fickle did I swear my Lord you have deserv'd it Bell. We have all fallings Madam you must pardon Sir Arth. I like this well I like this well win her and wear her Mr. Manley I like your Person and Estate well By King Pharoab I 'em very merry come wee 'll have a Dance Enter Constable and Watch with Jollyman Tilbury Zechiel Toby How now What 's here Mr Iollyman and my old Friend Tilbury indurance How came this Friend hah Constab. An 't please your Worship these are the Gentlemen that wounded the Man last night and they got from us once but we catcht um again and we took this other firing a house Sir Arth. Well leave 'em with me I 'll be Ball for their appearance to morrow I am resolv'd nothing shall hinder my mirth to day Mr. Tilbury and Mr Iollyman I have heard of all your frollicks last night both yours and your Sons Let it be so no more for the present all shall be well But there is no hopes of my daughter now she 's bestow'd Ioll. Since she 's bestow'd God give her Joy I 'll cherish my self with a merry Song and a Fidle and hang pinching let the World rub Tilb. My Son 's unmarry'd and the Family of the Tilburies thus disgrac'd By St. Iago I 'l take post and away for Salisbury immediately Tob. And so will I. Udshah if these distasters belong to Men of parts as yee call 'em give me a Country life for though there 's less wit there 's more security Zech. Infamous impertinent Canst thou repugne the pleasures of a Debauchee through the apprehension of a walking Nightrap and a guilded Truncheon with the City Armes on 't Upon honour thou art a Libel to my Fame and unworthy to break a Glass in my society Tob. Udshahh I might ha bin hang'd in your society for all that but that Fortune was my Friend and reserv'd me for the future benefit of my Family Zech. Hang'd A man of parts An honest Nightwalker hang'd Intollerable Impudence no Sir assure your self no such Fate attends us Brothers of the Bottles a Stockado a Gentile thrust through the Lungs or so might have Happen'd but no hanging Brother Bullfinch no hanging Tob. Come come a word to the wise is sufficient I have resolv'd a reformation I rellish not your Stockado's not I nor is a gentile thrust through the Lungs as you terme it so agreeable with my Nature to persevere In brief Sir I am converted I will into the Country immediately Sir Arth. Come come embrace and be friends I am in a good humour and by Melchizedech strife shall be a stranger to my house to day so so all all well and though you are not partners in this Wedding you shall be merry at it and let the World rub as my old Friend here sayes go call in the Fidlers there Dance Dor. Come my dear sweet and let us loose our selves In Loves Embraces This is a happy day L. Fick Through crooked paths dark plots and wayes obscure Revenge still roves to make it's action sure I have been false to night and purchast hate But Ladies on your smiles depends my fate Let me then gain one happy glance from you And th' Witty False One shall be ever True Ex. omnes Epilogue ANd now to you Gallants that smiling sit And with insipid Votes infest the Pit Because the Play was by a Stranger Writ The Poet sayes he knowes his Merit 's small And trembles at the thought of a Caball But since a Bully in his Play I was I am resolv'd a Champion in his Cause Therefore let him that boasts of too much strength Appoint the place and send his Rapiers length A barb'rous Critick shall not walk the Street Nor from this moment dare to censure Wit By Heav'n I 'll pepper you if once we meet You smile and perhaps doubt my want of skill But I 'll revenge it Blood and Death I will I must confess there is a safer way You may walk safely if you 'll like the Play But else if you your Censures raise anew Fate sends his Darts abroad Blood must ensue Let him that on that Basis honour builds Meet me to morrow in Lambs-Conduit Fields There he shall find a Woman now turn'd Bully Has power to turn a Critick to a Cully FINIS