taunted Sir Iohn saw a mad merry crew come leaping over the field as frolickly as if they ought not all the world two pence and drawing nearer he did perceive that either Bottle Ale or Beer had made a fray with them for the lifting of their feet shewed the lightness of their heads A Tantivee-Parson The foremost was a plain Country Sir Iohn or Vicar that proclaimed by the redness of his Nose he did oftner go into the Alehouse than the Pulpit and him Sir Iohn asked what they were and whether they were going What are you quoth the Priest that stand by the high way to examine me and my friends here 's none in my Company but are able to answer for themselves he seeing they were all set on a merry pin told the cause and said that he needed them to be of the Quest. Marry quoth Sir Iohn a good motion know these all are my Parishioners and we have been drinking with a poor man and spending our money with him a neighbour of ours that hath lost a Cow Now for our names and our Trades this is a Smith the second a Weaver the third a Miller the fourth a Cook the fifth a Carpenter the sixth a Glover the seventh a Pedlar the eight a Tinkar the ninth a Waterbearer the tenth a Husbandman the eleventh a Dyer and the twelfth a Saylor and I the Vicar or Parson which you please to call me How could you Sir have a fitter Jury than me and my Parishioners You are a little too brief quoth Sir Iohn for you are a Fellow that raiseth up new Schisms and Heresies and Divisions among your People and the world was never in quiet Devotion Neighbourhood and Hospitality never flourished in this Land since such upstart Boys and shittle-witted Fools becam of the Ministry you preach Faith and say that doing of Alms is Papistry but you have taught so long Fidâ—s solum juâ—â—ificâ—t that you have preached good Works quite out of your Parish a poor man shall assoon break his Nâ—ck as his Fast at a rich mans doâ—r Alas Sir Iohn you are mistaken for my friend though indeed I am none of the best Scholars yet I can reâ—d a Homily every Sunday and Holiday and keep company with my Neighbors and go to the Alehouse with them and if they be fallen out spend my Money to make them friends and on Sundays sometime if good Fellowship call me away I say both Morning and Evening Prayer at once and so let them have a whole Afternoon to play in This is my Life I spend my Living with my Parishioners I seek to do all good and I offer no man harm Well quoth Sir Iohn then I warrant thou art an honest Vicar and therefore stand by thou shalt be one of the Quest. No Cheat in the Smith's Profession And as for you Smith I see no great fault in you you earn your Living with the Sweat of your Brows and there can be no great Knavery in you only I would have you to mend your life for drinking since you are never at quiet unless the Pot be still at your Nose The Knavery of the Weaver But you Weaver the Proverb puts you down for a crafty Knave you can filch and steal almost as well as the Taylor your Woof and Warp is so cunningly drawn out that you plague the poor Countrey Huswives for their Yarn and dawb on so much Dregs that you make it seem both well wrought and to bear weight when it is slenderly woven and you have stollen a quarter of it from the poor Wife Away be packing for you shall be cashier'd The Miller and Weavâ—r shake hands What Miller shake hands with your Brother the Weaver for Knavery you can take Toll twice and have false Hoppers to convey away the poor mans Meal Be gone I love not your dusty looks The Cheats of the Cooks And for Company Goodman Cook go with them for you cozen the poor men and Countrey Termers with your silthy meat you will buy of the worst and cheapest when it is bad enough for Dogs and yet so powder it and parboil it that you will sell it to some honest poor men and that unreasonably too If you leave any Meat over-night you make a shift to heat it again the next day Nay if on the Thursday at night there be any left you make Pies of it on Sunday Morning and almost with your slovenly Knavery poison the poor people To be short I brook you not and therefore be walking For the Carpenter Glover and Water-bearer the Husbandman Dier and Saylor since your Trades have but petty â—lights stand you with Mr. Vicar you are like to help to give in the Verdict Tinkers and Pedlars Knavery But for the Pedlar and the Tinker they are two notable Knaves both of a hair and both Cousin-germains to the Devil For the Tinker why he is a drowsie bawdy drunken Companion that walks up and down with a Trugg after him and in stopping one hole makes three and is in convenient place he meets with one alone perhaps rifles him or her of all that ever they have a base Knave without fear of God or love to any one but his Whore and to himself The Pedlar as bad or rather worse walketh the Countrey with his Doxy at the least if he have not too his Morts Dels and Autem Morts he passeth commonly through every pair of Stocks either for his Drunkenness or his Lechery And beside it is reported you can lift or nip a Bung like a guire Cove if you want pence and that you carry your Pack but for a colour to shadow your other Villanies Well howsoever you are both Knaves and so be jogging Well at last quoth the Judge I suppose Sir Iohn your Jury is almost full I believe you want not above three or four persons look you yonder where they come to make up the Number and they should be men of good Disposition for they seem to be all Countrimen of Vtopia Assoon as they came close Sir Iohn met them and told them the Matter and they were content to be of the Jury The one said he was a Grasier the other a Farmer the other a Shepherd to them both What think you of these three quoth Sir Iohn Marry saith the Judge two of them are honest men but the other is a base Knave but 't is no matter shuffle him in amongst the rest Nay by your leave quoth Mr. Attorney I will shuffle out these two for they are the very Cormorants of the Countrey and devour the poor people with their monstrous exaction The Cheats used by the Grasier And first I alledge against the Grasier that he forestalleth Pastures and Medow grounds for the feeding of his Cattel and wringeth Leases of them out of poor mens hands and in his buying of Cattel he committeth great Usury for it it prove a wet year then he maketh havock and selleth dear if it be a dry year then
Rogue Rascal Knave and bid him be gone for she could never live at quiet for him my Lord I believe she 'll quickly break his heart When she had ended her speech Mrs. Badwife stands up and desired that Mrs. Slack Mrs. Sloathful Mrs. Careless Mrs. Wastful Mrs. Goose-belly Mrs. Toss-pot Mrs. Wayward Mrs. Love-bed Mrs. Drowsie Mrs. Light-finger Madam Go-gay Mrs. Wanderer Mrs. Spendal her Witnesses might be called into the Court to speak in her behalf but the Judge stood up and said That the Court would give no heed to the Eâ—idence of such persons except she had any better for he said their very Names bespoke them sorry persons The Sentence upon Mrs. Bad-wife Then said the Judge to the Prisoner hold up thy hand and hear thy Sentence viz. You shall return to the place from whence you came and from thence be Carted to the Great Ducking-stool that is in this Town and there shall you sit in the presence of all the women in Vtopia for a warning to them tell you expire out your poysonous and infectious breath Mrs. Bad-wife put into a Ducking-stool to suffer Death Soon after the Execution of these Malefactors the Judge in a great Passion commanded Sir Iohn Fraud to be set to the Bar. Sir Iohn Fraud set to the Bar. That so likewise the Knavery of all Trades and Professions might be publickly Discovered Arraigned and Legally Condemned so he was set to the Bar and his Indictment read which was this viz. His INDICTMENT Sir John Fraud Thou art here Indicted by the Name of Sir John Fraud for that thou art an Vpstart come out of Italy begot of Pride nursed up by Wicked Consciences and brought into this Countrey by thy Father the Devil that thou art a Raiser of Rents an Enemy to this Kingdom and hast insinuated thy self into all Trades Estates and Professions throughout the Christian World When the Indictment was read the whole Court laughed and clapt their hands for joy saying they hoped now they should see all Roguery come to light And the Judge spake as follows to the Prisoner Iudge Sir Iohn Fraud Art thou Guilty or not Guilty of these Misdemeanors laid to thy Charge Prisoner Not Guilty my Lord And I desire to have a Jury impannelled and then no doubt but the Verdict will be given on my side The First he desired for one of his Jury was a Pâ—ick-louse Taylor As he was thus speaking to the Judge he saw coming down a Hill afar off a brave dapper Dick quaintly attired in Velvet and Sattin and a Cloak of cloth rash with a Cambrick Ruff as smoothly set and he as neatly spunged as if he had been a Bride-groom only he guess'd by his pace afar off he should be a Taylor his head was holden up so pert his legs shackle-hamm'd as if his Knees had been lac'd to his Thighs with Points Coming more near indeed he spied a Taylor 's Morice-pike on his Breast a Spanish Needle and then he fitted his Salutations not to his Suits but to his Trade and encountred him by a thred-bare Courtesie as if he had not known him and asked him of what Occupation he was A Taylor quoth he Marry then my Friend quoth he you are the more welcome for I must be tried for my Life the Matter is come to an Issue there must a Jury be impannelled upon me and I would desire and intreat you to be one of the Quest. The Iudge likes not the Man Not so quoth the Judge I challenge him for I know he cheats with Silk Lace Cloth of Gold of Silver and such costly Stuff to welt guard whip stitch edge face and draw out that the Vails of one Velvet Breech amounts to I know not what And I know there is no Taylor so precise but he can play the Cook and lick his own Fingers though he look up to Heaven yet he can cast large Shreds of such rich Stuff into Hell under his Shop-Board Besides he sets down like the Clerk of the Chancery a large Bill of Reckonings which because he keeps long in his pocket he so powders for stinking that the young upstart that needs it feels it salt in his stomack for a month after Beside Knavery hath much advanc'd him for whereas in my time he was counted but Goodman Taylor now he is grown to be called a Merchant or Gentleman Merchant-Taylor giving Arms and the Holy Lamb in his Crest where before he had no other Cognizance but a plain Spanish Needle with a Welsh Cricket on the top since then his Gain is so great and his Honour so advanc'd by Knavery I will not trâ—â—t his Conscience neither shall he come upon your Jury Indeed you have some reason quoth the Prisoner to except against him but perhaps the Taylor doth this upon meer Devotion to punish Pride and having no other Authority nor Meanâ— thinks it best to pinch them by the Purse and make them pay well as to ask them twice so much Silk Lace and other stuff as would suffice and yet to over-reach my young Master with a Bill of Reckonings that will make him scratch where it itcheth not Herein I hold the Taylor for a necessary Member to teach young Novices the way to weeping Cross that when they have wasted what their Fathers left them by Pride they may grow sparing and humble by inferred Poverty and by this reason the Taylor after his fashion exalteth the poor and pulleth down the proud for of a wealthy Esquires Son he makes a thredbare Beggar and of a scornful Taylor he sets up an upstart scurvy Gentleman Yet seeing My Lord you have made a reasonable Challenge to him the Taylor shall be none of the Quest. The Next he desired for a Jâ—ry-man was a Broker As Sir Iohn bade the Taylor stand by there was coming along the Valley towards him a square set Fellow well fed and as briskly apparelled in a black Taffata Doublet and a spâ—nce Leather â—erken with Crystal Buttons a Clook fac'd afore with Velvet and a Coventry Cap of the finest wool his Face something Ruby Blush Cherry-cheek'd like a shred of Scarlet or a little darker like the Lees of old Claret Wine a Nose autem Nose purpled preciously with Pearl and Stone like a counterfeit work and between the filthy Reumicast of his blood-shotten Snowt there appeared small Holes whereat Worms Heads peeped as if they meant by their appearance to preach aud shew the â—Antiquity and Aucieutry of his House This fiery-fac'd Churle had upon his fingers as many Gold Rings as would furnish a Goldsmiths Shop or beseem a Pandor of loug Profession to wear Wondring what Companion this should be he enquired of what Occupation he was Marry Sir quoth he a Broker Why do you ask have you any Pawns at my House No quoth he nor never will have but the reason is to have you upon a Jury The Attorney General starts up At this word starts up the Attorney General and swore he should
the Shoemaking Trade Now to you Mr. Shoemaker you can put in the inner sole of a thin Calves Skin when as the Shoe is a Neats-leather Shoe which you know is clean contrary both to Conseience and the Statute Beside you will join a Neats-Leather Vampey to a Calves Leather â—eel Is not here good stuff Mr. Shoemaker Well for your Knavery you shall have those curses which belong unto your Craft you shall be light-footed to travel far light witted upon every small occasion to give your Masters bag you shall be most of you unthrifts and almost all perfect Goodfellows Beside I remember a merry jest how Mercury brought you to a dangerous Disease for he requested a boon for you which fell out to your great disadvantage and to recreate us hear a little Gentle-craft what â—ell to your Trade by that winged God As it hapned on a time that Iupiter and Mercury travelling together upon Earth Mercury was wonderfully hungry and had no Money in his Purse to buy him any food and at last to his great comfort he spyed where a Company of Tailors were at Dinner with buttered Pease eating their pease with their Needles points one by one Mercury came to them and asked them his alms they proudly bade him sit down and do as he saw they did and with that delivered him a Needle The poor God being passing hungry could not content his maw with eating one by one but turned the eye of his Needle and eat two or three together Which the Tailors seeing they start up and said What Fellow a shovel and Spade to butter'd Pease hast thou no more manners Get out of our Company and so they sent him packing with many strokes Mercury coming back Iupeter demanded of him what news and he told him how churlishly he was used amongst the Tailors Well wandring on further Mercury espyed where a Company of Shoemakers were at Dinner with powdred Beef and Brewess going to them before he could ask them any Alms they said welcome good Fellow what is thy Stomack up wilt thou do as we do and taste of Beef Mercury thanked them and sate down and eat his Belly full and drunk double Beer and when he had done went home to his Master Assoon as he came Iupeter asked him what News and he said I have light amongst a crew of Shoomakers the best Fellows that I ever met withal they have frankly fed me without grudging and therefore grant me a Boon for them Ask what thou wilt Mercury quoth he and it shall be done Why then quoth he grant that for this good turn they have done me they may ever spend a groat afore they can earn twopence It shall be granted Mercury assoon as Iupeter had said the word bethought himself and said Nay but that they may earn a groat before they spend twopence for my Tongue slipt at the first Well Mercury quoth he it cannot be recalled the first wish must stand and hereof by Mercuries Boon it grew that all the Gentle-Craft are such good Fellows and Spend-thrifts But howsoever none of thesâ— three neither Shoomaker Tanner nor Currier shall be of the Jury A Parcel of Gentlemen appear next to Sir John As they went away with Fleas in their ears being thus taunted by the Court Sir Iohn saw coming to him a Troop of ancient Gentlemen with their Servingmen attending upon them The foremost was a great old man with a white Beard all in Russes and a fair black Cloak on his back and attending on him he had some five men their Cognizance as I remember was a Peacock without a Tail the other two that accompanied him seemed meaner than himself but Gentlemen of good worship whereupon Sir Iohn went towards them and saluted them and was so bold as to question what they were and of their Business And the ancientest answered he was a Knight and those two his Neighbours the one an Esquire the other a Gentleman and that they have no urgent Affairs but only to walk abroad to take the fresh Air. Then did he desire them all to be upon his Jury They smiling answered they were content but the Attorney General storming stept in and made challenge to them all and said thus you may guess the inward Mind by the outward Apparel and see how he is addicted by the homely Robes he is suited in Why this Knight is a mortal Enemy to Honesty and so to me he regardeth not Hospitality yet aimeth at Honour he relieves not the poor you may see though his Lands and Revenues be great and he able to maintain himself in great Bravery yet he is content with home-spun Cloath he holdeth the worth of his Gentry to be and consist in Velvet-Breeches but valueth true Fame by the report of the common sort who praise him for his House-keeping and great Spendings His Tenants and Farmers would if it might be be possible make him sink into Atoms with their Prayers and Praises he raiseth Rent racketh Lands taketh Incomes imposeth merciless Fines envies others buyeth Houses over his Neighbors heads and respecteth not his Countrey and the Commodity thereof as dear as his Life and therefore not fit to be in a Kingdom he regardeth not to have the needy fed not to have his Board garnished with full Platters he minds to be famous and great and rich in Furniture and Apparel Nay he loveth Pride and therefore I must proclaim him mine Enemy and therefore he shall be none of the Jury and such as himself I guess the Squire and the Gentleman and therefore I challenge them all Next appears to Sir Iohn a Troop of Citizens A Discovery of the Cheats used by Skinners Ioyners Sadlers Watermen Cutlers Bellows-menders Plaisterers and Printers As Mr. Attorney was thus talking there came a Troop of men in apparel seeming poor honest Citizens in all they were eight he demanded of them what they were and whither they were going One of them that seemed the wealthiest who was in a surr'd Jacket made answer that they were all friends going to the Burial of a Neighbour of theirs that yesternight died and if it would do Sir Iohn any pleasure to hear their Names they were not so dainty but they would â—ell them The first said he was a Skinner the second said he was a Joyner the third was a Sadler the fourth a Watermam the fifth was a Cutler the sixth was a Bellows-mender the seventh a Plaisterer and the eighth a Printer In good time quoth he it is commendable when Neighbors love so well together but if your speed be not overmuch I must request you to be of a Jury they seemed all content and so Sir Iohn turned to the Court and asked if they would make challenge to any of these I scorn quoth one of the Court to make any great Objection against them being they are Mechanical men and almost hold them indifferent With that up starts the Judge himself and said Sir they are not indifferentmen I