it 's rarely blest by a couple of such Reformers Eag We that are most instrumental in the Vices of the World are the best able to give an account of them Ves I am sure we are less prejudical to the World that make Lewdness and cheating our Profession than those that practice both under the Disguises of Honour and Religion and pretend to sanctifie their Crimes by their Places and Habits Bell. Hark you good People I must deal plainly with you and desire you to walk off having particular Business that require me to be private Eag By all means Sir Come Madam Vesuvia let you and I go perfect the Work I have prepar'd Ves And must I part from your Chamber at this rate Coll. I vow this is a strange Reformation Well for the future I 'll have nothing to say to you from a noble generous Ranger I see you are grown a sneaking doting Lover and therefore ought to be abandon'd by ev'ry free-born Breast and left to the frozen Embraces of a cold virtuous Wise where may you starve unpitied by all Women that have the least grace of Gallantry With this hearty Curse I leave you Exeunt Eag and Ves Enter Jocond Bell. Come Jocond you have been an Age away Well How What Is all Bless me crowds of Questions press so upon my Lips that they hinder each others passage Joc. Well Sir I 'll save you the trouble of asking and tell you all that you can wish to know Bell. Quick then why this Harangue Joc. Old Mrs. Sprightly your true Friend did so smuggle me nay she said I should lye with her Bell. Ounze what 's this to the purpose Joc. Patience Sir and then the wanton old Jade took me into her Chamber and ask'd so many Questions of Flanders first whether I spilt any Blood in the Wars and then whether I had lost my Maidenhead and then Bell. Dam ye you impertinent young Dog what have I to do with this Were not you to tell me of my Mistress you should never speak a word more Joc. Good Sir bridle your Passion you shall have no occasion to be angry when I have told you all Bell. Blood and Death tell me all the next Sentence you speak or your Bones shall pay for 't Joc. Now Sir I come to the point your Mistress is very well she look'd over your Presents with a great deal of satisfaction seems pleas'd at your return In fine you 'll be better inform'd by the Contents of this Bell. snatches the Letter Bell. Hell and Furies why did you not give me this at first Bellair reads starting Joc. O Sir there might be danger in an over-hasty Bliss a sudden Joy has often prov'd fatal with-holding a Pleasure is the way to endear it Bell. What have you been abusing me you young Villain Make things plain to me or I 'll sacrifice you to the pit of Hell Joc. Lord Sir what I told you is positive truth I hope you have had sufficient proof of my faithful service I am sure I discover'd so much by her own looks and by what both Old Sprightly and Madam Plyant told me that if she has writ any thing that seems unkind I dare swear she has bely'd her own Thoughts Bell. Reads Sir I must own my self not a little concern'd at your present return since I am sensible that the Circumstances I now lie under may be very surprizing to you each of my Uncles are resolv'd to dispose of me and have oblig'd me to comply with their Intentions You may take your own Measures and propose something most diverting to you your Endeavours in that nature shall be seconded by my Wishes and your Misfortunes shar'd by Eliz. Purflew Adieu Were I to advise you it should be to repair to your Post Joc. Why I dare say every word is truth and her real meaning Pray let me see the Letter The Lady I liv'd withall before I came to you was notable at the little Mysteries of Billet-doux and instructed me mightily in such Affairs Reads to himself Why to me it seems you have as bless'd an Answer as you could wish I should read it thus Reads Sir I am very well pleas'd you are come to Town now I can surprize you with the news of being at my own Disposal My Vncles have separately engag'd me to two several Persons which I have seemingly consented to that I might the better deliver my self to you If the possession of me will be what 's most diverting to you use your own Measures my Wishes shall kindly meet your Intentions and your Concerns for the future dutifully shar'd by Eliz. Purflew Were I to advise you repair to the Post a Lover ought to maintain in his Mistresses Affections Adieu Bell. O my dear Boy how sweet are those ravishing Accents Yet still I doubt what most I would believe Joc. Upon my life Sir there 's not a Syllable but bears this Construction which perfectly agrees with all other Circumstances And now Sir to give you the Soul and Quintisence of my Embassy which was whisper'd to me by your Mistresses Confident and no doubt by her order you are suddenly to meet her Prepare your self for a Rencounter she is accidentally to fall into the Ambush and you are to bear her off with flying Colours Come along Sir I 'll shew you the place the time draws near Strike sure for 't is the Crisis of your Bliss Bell. I 'll strike at Fate should I the Blessing miss The End of the Third Act. ACT IV. SCENE Covent-Garden Enter Mrs. Purflew and Mrs. Plyant Purf. SHall we go look upon some Silks Couz Coll. Bellair lodges somewhere hereabouts shou'd he meet us he 'd conclude I came on purpose to see for him Ply Good lack and not judge amiss as if you did not know that I sent him word we should be here with Resolutions as I imagin'd to conclude on the matter when to crown his Passion Purf. I know you sent him word I conclude the matter I crown his Passion What does the Girl mean Ply Ha ha ha This is very pritty I am sure you gave me large hints to guess at your Intentions And pray what 's the business of an humble Confident if not to inch out coming Inclinations or bear the blame of pretended Mistakes Purf. I can't imagine what you 'd be at Ply Lord we Women in love are so perverse in our Humours and would always seem to walk counter to our Intentions what advances we make are backwards like the Marches of a Crab. Purf. I own I have let the Woman grow a little upon me I have nettled him I believe in the Letter I sent by Jocond though I left him room for a favourable Interpretation but Lovers generally lay hold on the wrong end Ply How many of us do make Pride and Ill-nature our Diversion We love that our Tongues should contradict our Hearts as well as to have our Women belye our Faces and are always stretching our
which we spend in a Day And the Devil take Care for to morrow Eag What is the Brimstone vanish'd I 'll rummage her Closet for a Bottle of cold Tea Bull. Da me do and we 'll see the bottom of it Bull. Ro t me so we will and then stagger to fresh Game Eag ' Ounz here 's a brace of old Fornicators Bullies Out with 'em Out with ' em Eag No one at a time What a pox does your Goatship here Pulls out Sir Nich. Bull. Kimbaw him Kimbaw him Bull. Ay ay Kimbaw him Kimbaw him Eag We 'll only make you lighter by a stone or two that 's all get a cleft stick and a sharp knife here Ald. In the Closet O h. Eag Hold your bellowing your turn 's a coming Sir Nich. Why look you friend I am a Man of honour Sir Nicholas Purflew by name Herald and Antiquary by profession Therefore out of a just respect to all honour either past present or what 's to come I hope you 'll regard me with a due Decorum and desist from any rudeness Eag Da m your Decorum You have been a Traytor to your own lawfull Spouse therefore you must be revers'd The Bullies set him on his Head and shake all the Money out of his Pockets which Eager gathers up Bull. Ay ay Reverse him reverse him Eag It rains plentifully this is one of Old Jupiter's show'rs so in with him now for the next They turn him in and the Alderman comes skipping out Ald. Why Gentlemen do you see Gentlemen I love a Wench Gentlemen as well as the best of you Gentlemen and believe you are very honest Gentlemen and make use of this project to get a little Ready Pray take this Purse I'dad and I won't grudge you a Groat on 't Bull. A very reasonable Gentleman Eager and the Bullies go off shaking the Purse and Singing Every Purse is our Prey which c. and crying Scour scour scour Ald. Come Brother Sir Nicholas the Coast is clear a couple of very pritty fellows I'dad A h Brother this comes of Whoring Sir Nich. O Lawd O Lawd I shan't get my Guts in their right place this month And the fright for my Manhood won't off I fear much longer This must certainly be an enchanted Castle those three were Gyant 's Cubs and that Jezebel the Witch I dare say she had Cloven feet had we look'd Ald. Let 's make the best of a bad Market pop into a Coach Drive to a Tavern and drink away Sorrow Enter Eager stript Eag Gentlemen I heard a great Noise thought you might be abus'd and coming to your Rescue was met in the next Room by some Ruffians stript as you see and beat most confoundedly Ald. I'dad I began to have but an ill opinion of thee Sir Nich. I must confess I began to have some Dubitation that Mr. Eager had not dealt very candidly Eag This I get by being serviceable to my Friends and now to be Ill thought on sticks worse by me than my Bastinading Wrong my Friends I 'de be drawn Piece-meal first Ald. Come Eager we 'll take thee along with us and recompence thee for thy misfortunes Exeunt Enter Goosandelo and Footman Footm. That 's the House Sir where the two Ladies went in Goos Very well enough enough Go bid my Coachman turn the Coach before the door and lash the Horses and do you Dogs make a noise that the Ladies may look out of their Windows and see the Splendour of my Equipage I would have the Eyes of a Whole street upon the Gaze as soon as ever I approach it Lol lol la ra la ra Tunes aloud Enter Sapless hastily Puffing and Blowing Sap. Oh Couzin ha I found you Goos How now Mr. Sapless how long have you been in Town What a pox makes you in such a heat Sapl Why I was going to see for yo to know whether yo can osâ—e me to find out our John't Baily I ha been running up tawn and dawn tawn to finden and one had as good look't Needle in Bottle a Hay as any body in this tawn Goos What the devil does he say Da'me if I understand him a syllable How does my Lady and your pritty Sisters When do they come to town Sapl They 'r aw wee l at whome thank ye T'lasses are aw-ways tawking on you Couzin They lov'n you hugeny b'mass Goos Don't say Couzin when you speak to a Person of Quality but say Sir and prithee try to speak intelligibly Lawd lawd what a monster of a thing is a Country Squire Oh saw how he stinks of Sweat Takes Snuff Sapl Giss a little Snush Snatches the Box. Goos Ounz how he paws it a foot of an Ox would take it out handsomer ' Od confound him he has dropt my box What the devil have you done Sir there 's not another box-full of it in the Universe I had it from Donna Aurelia Formalitosa and she had it from Don Antonio Ernesto Steffatito and he had it out of the King of Spain's own Box. Sapl A chawnce a chawnce comes aws wee 'l aws wee 'l Gathering it up Goos Pray for the Respect I bear your Family let me furnish you with a Tutor that he may cut you out of the Rough and Polish you a little and when you have got your English and know how to put on your Cloaths you may be fit to go to the Accademy Then I 'll take care to lay on the finishing stroaks and make a compleat Gentleman of you Sapl Yo tawken ' Sflesh I am a Gentleman enough aw-ready in mine none Country and I thinken I ought to be thoughten so here for I ha been faw drunk at Tavern and have layn all Neet at a Bawdy-house and they tell'n me yo London Geutlemen do no more Goos O abominable I find thou art beyond the hope of Retrieving I' gad here comes the Ladies away Sapless vanish prithee vanish I would not be seen in the Company of such an Animal for the Universe Sapl Marry and yo been thereabouts I had rather be Coupled to our Joler for a twelve month than be forc'd to stay with yo for an hour and so fare you well with a Murrain to you Exit Goos Powder me Powder me ye Dog His Footman flings Powder on him Enter Mrs. Purflew and Mrs. Plyant Goos O Ladies I seize you here as lawfull Prize I rule in this Parish of Covent-Garden as Sovereignly by day as ever Stoaks did by night and the Beauties of these Precincts contest my power with as little success as the Bullies did his Purf. Sure Sir the limits of a Parish are two small to confine your Graces the Rays of your Charms have an influence that 's Universal Goos That 's true Madam and when ever they contract themselves to give place to a greater Light it is in your Presence Ply Right Mr. Goosandelo still Purf. Indeed there 's little danger of Mr. Goosandelo altering his temper a harden'd Fop is as
Are you sure of it Eag As sure as that a London Justice go's snacks with Pick-pockets or that his Clerk gathers Contribution round the Whores Quarters Your Man of Dress is ever too nice for a Quarrel he has just now own'd that he fears you 'll take occasion to fall out with him Brev. ' Sbud I 'll do 't then But he has been at Paris and has learnt how to push Mathematically and kill by Demonstration Eag If he comes to pushing let me alone with him I'gad I am as ready at whipping Men through the Lungs as a Smithfield Cook is at spitting of Pigs at a Bartholomew Fair. Brev. Stick to me honest Eager in this Business and there 's a token of Encouragement for you I must step to a Gentleman's Chamber I 'll be here again in a moment Exit Eag Well noble Squire hey for Cheshire how proceed you with the Lady ha Sap. Marry Maister Eager we fadgen prattily I ha fast hold on her and I con but keep her But they sen in our Country that he that has holt on a young Woman has got a slippery Eel by the Tail Sapless holding Vesuvia by the Skirts of her Gown Eag Spear her then Squire and that will secure her Sap. ' Sflesh and so I wood on I cou'd but lighten on her on a Sond-bed Nea what sen yo Mistress Ves I say it 's very hard for a poor weak Woman to withstand your strong and pressing Importunities Eag Do you think you can dispense with a Country-life Madam Ves No doubt I shall be happy with my pritty Squire in any place Chucks him under the Chin. Sap. Oh we han huge merry Folks in Cheshire I 'se mind my Horses and my Dogs and yo san take care o' th' Dairy and feeding o' th' Swine and then at Night to Bed to play at high Gaffer hoop old Lass Eag Come make no bones on 't there 's a Spiritual Flesh-broker lives hard by that will mould you both up into one Mass of Flesh and Blood in a trice Sap. Mass I 'se lead her thither then Hawls her by the Tail and Sings Come away come away sweet if thou lov'st come away Enter Bellair Eag Coll. Bellair you are come to the Conclusion of a merry Bargain here 's a Couple just going to be Priest-link'd you shall see Madam Vesuvia the Honourable Lady Sapless in a little while Bell. Ay Are you the Son of Sir Thomas Sapless of Cheshire Sir Sap. Yea b'Mass I am his Son and Heir too as God wou'd hea it Bell. Your Father Sir was an honest Gentleman and a very good Friend of mine Sap. So he was of mine Sir to die in good time and leave me the Estate Eag So here 's all at an end I fear we shall have that impertinent mischievous thing call'd Honour spoil this business I'faith Aside Bell. I vow Madam I must do that piece of Justice to my old Friend to put a stop to this Affair I can't in Honour do otherwise Eag I thought so I'saith 't is time for me to be gone lest for the sake of his old Friend he should think fit to break my Bones out of a point of Honour too Aside and Exit Ves Pray what do you mean good Mr. Collonel do you think with your Flams to make a breach betwixt our true Conjugal Love and Affection Don't believe a word he says Squire Sir you have nothing to do with Mr. Sapless he is my lawful Husband already he has promis'd me and that 's enough and I 'll have him if all the Law in the Kingdom will get him me that I will ye Scarlet Scarecrow ye tool of Death and Destruction Bell. Hold your noise for 't is to no purpose Mr. Sapless you were upon the brink of Ruine and going to marry a Doll Common therefore come along with me I 'll make you sensible of the piece of service I do you and for this time put you into secure Hands Sap. Marry and may be yo tel'n me nothing but what 's truth and therefore as they sen in our Country Two words a bargain I 'll look before I leap so I will Bell. Come away Sir pray come along with me Exeunt Bell. and Sap. Ves What do you think to run away with my Husband I 'll have him I tell you I 'll have have him in spight of you ye paultry filthy Upstart you Exit Enter Mrs. Purflew and mrs. Plyant Purf. It 's pleasant being abroad this Evening Ply I am glad it draws so near Night I would willingly be Femme Covert under the lusty Lawyer Here he comes I vow I find he has follow'd us upon the dry scent Enter Breviat Purf. What are you upon the hunt for Spark Some Vizor-Mask to put Law-Cases to Brev. I am come Madam to retrieve a purloin'd Heart I have issu'd out a Writ de Corde Replegiendo and it is return'd Elongat ' by your Ladiship Purf. You make very learned Love this might take with some old Westminster-Hall Trotter Brev. I had rather referr my Bus'ness with you Madam to the Abby than to the Hall at present Purf. That you mayn't be out of your Road I 'll entertain my Cousin here to put in my Plea Ply I fear I shall betray your Cause for self-interest as all Lawyers do I must plead guilty and put in Security for restoring the lost Heart for which Sir I 'll be bound body for body Brev. I can't except against the Bail but if I had it under the Lady's Hand and Seal 't were sufficient Enter Goosandelo Purf What would you be hooking me into Contract If you are so mistrustfull before-hand I may well judge of your Jealousie afterwards and so Mr. Lawyer you may turn over another leaf for you 'll find nothing to your purpose here I 'll promise you Goos How 's this my Mistress hot upon the Lawyer I am glad to see that I faith What now Black-Box with Broad-Seal of Yellow Wax for such seems your Face afixt to your Body when your Gown 's on What receiving Reprimand at the Bar ha Brev. What make you ask thou Composition of persum'd Past work'd up by the Hands of Quack Operators thou hast nothing of thy own about thee but thy Sence that indeed seems thine by making so dull a forc'd Jest and afterwards explaining it Purf. Do you think this is very becoming Gentlemen before us Goos I apprehended this Lawyer had some-how disoblig'd you Madam and so look'd upon my self bound in honour to engage on your Ladiship 's side Brev. ' Sbud I 'll venture to affront him Aside Purf. I beseech you Sir if you must engage let it be for your self Goos My self so now I have a good subject Madam I am Purf. Hold Sir if you once begin to talk of your self we shall ne're stop your Mouth therefore you shall hear me handle that Subject concisely You are a vain noisy empty insipid Brev. Fool. Goos How 's this Sir is it