us Thus the Mistress ought to make room for the Bottle the Bottle for the Mistress and both to wait the call of Inclination Am. That 's Generously spoken I have observ'd Sir in all your Discourse you confess something of a Man that has throughly known the world Pray give me leave to ask you of what Condition you are and whence you came Lov. Why in the first place Madam by Birth I am a Gentleman by ill Friends good Wine and false Dice almost a Beggar But by your Servants mistaking me the happiest Man that ever Love and Beauty smil'd on Am. One thing more Sir Are you married Now my fears Aside Lov. I was but very Young Am. What was your Wife Lov. A foolish loving thing that built Castles in the Air and thought it impossible for a Man to forswear himself when he made Love Am. Was she not Vertuous Lov. Uumh Yes faith I believe she might I was ne'er Jealous of her Am. Did you ne'er love her Lov. Ah! most damnably at first for she was within two Women of my Maidenhead Am. What 's become of her Lov. Why after I had been from her beyond Sea about Seven or Eight Years like a very Loving Fool she died of the Pip and civilly left me the world free to Range in Am. Why did you leave her Lov. Because she grew stale and I cou'd not Whore in quiet for her Besides she was always exclaiming against my Extravagancies particularly my Gaming which she so violently oppos'd that I fancy'd a Pleasure in it which since I never found for in one Month I lost between Eight and Ten Thousand Pound which I had just before call'd in to pay my Debts This Misfortune made my Creditors come so thick upon me that I was forc'd to Mortgage the remaining part of my Estate to Purchase new Pleasure which I knew I cou'd not do on this side the Water amidst the Clamours of insatiate Duns and the more hateful Noise of a Complaining Wife Am. Don't you wish you had taken her Counsel tho' Lov. Not I faith Madam Am. Why so Lov. Because 't is to no purpose I am Master of more Philosophy than to be concern'd at what I can't help But now Madam Pray give me leave to inform my self as far in your Condition Am. In a word Sir till you know me throughly I must own my self a perfect Riddle to you Lov. Nay nay I know you are a Woman But in what Circumstances Wife or Widdow Am. A Wife Sir a True a Faithful and a Vertuous Wife Lov. Humb truly Madam your Story begins something like a Riddle a Vertuous Wife say you what and was you never false to your Husband Am. I never was by Heav'n for Him and only Him I still love above the World Lov. Good agen pray Madam don't your Memory fail you sometimes because I fancy you don't remember what you do over night Am. I told you Sir I shou'd appear a Riddle to you But if my Heart will give me leave I 'le now unloose your fetter'd Apprehension But I must first amaze you more Pray Sir satisfy me in one particular 't is this What are your undissembled thoughts of Vertue Now if you can shake off your loose Unthinking Part and summon all your force of manly Reason to resolve me Lov. Faith Madam methinks this is a very odd Question for a Woman of your Character I must confess you have amazed me Am. It ought not to amaze you why shou'd you think I make a mock of Virtue But last night you allow'd my understanding greater then is usual in our Sex if so can you believe I have no farther sense of Happiness than what this Empty Dark and Barren World can yield me No I have yet a prospect of a sublimer Bliss an Hope that carries me to the bright Regions of Eternal Day Lov. Humh I thought her last nights humour was too good to hold I suppose by and by she will ask me to go to Church with her Faith Madam in my mind this discourse is a little out of the way You told me I shou'd be acquainted with your condition and at present that's what I had rather be inform'd of Am. Sir you shall But first this Question must be answer'd your thoughts of Virtue Sir By all my Hopes of Bliss hereafter your answering this pronounces half my Good or Evil fate for ever But on my knees I beg you do not speak till you have weigh'd it well Answer me with â—he same Truth and sincerity as you wou'd answer Heav'n at your latest hour Lov. Your words confound me Madam some wondrous Secret sure lies ripened in your Breast and seems to struggle for its fatal birth What is it I must answer you Am. Give me your real thoughts of Virtue Sir can you belive there ever was a Woman truly Mistress of it or is it only Notion Lov. Let me consider Madam Aside What can this mean Why is she so earnest in her demands and begs me to be serious as if her Life depended on my Answer I will resolve her as I ought as Truth and Reason and the strange occasion seems to press me Most of your Sex confound the very Name of Virtue for they wou'd seem to live without desires which cou'd they doe that were not Virtue but the defect of unperforming Nature and no praise to them For who can boast a Victory when they have no Foe to Conquer Now she alone gives the fairest proofs of Virtue whose Conscience and whose force of Reason can curb her warm Desires when Opportunity wou'd raise 'em That such a Woman may be found I dare believe Am. May I believe that from your Soul you speak this undissembled truth Lov. Madam you may But still you rack me with amazement why am I ask't so strange a Question Am. I 'le give you ease immediately Since then you have allow'd a Woman may be Virtuous How will you excuse the Man who leaves the Bosome of a Wife so qualified for the abandon'd pleasures of deceitfull Prostitutes Ruines her Fortune contemns her Counsel loaths her Bed and leaves her to the lingring miseries of Despair and Love while in return of all these wrongs she his poor forsaken Wife meditates no Revenge but what her piercing Tears and secret Vows to Heav'n for his Conversion yield her yet still loves on is constant and unshaken to the last Can you believe that such a Man can live without the stings of Conscience and yet be master of his Senses Conscience did you ne'er feel the Checks of it did it never never tell you of your broken Vows Lov. That you shou'd ask me this confounds my Reason And yet your words are utter'd with such a powerfull Accent they have awak'd my Soul and strike my thoughts with horrour and remorse Stands in a fixt posture Am. Then let me strike you nearer deeper yet But arm your mind with gentle pity first or I am lost for ever Lov. I am
drop the Curtain Four Acts for your Course Pallats was design'd But Then the Ladies Last is more refin'd They for Amanda's sake will sure be Kind Pray let this Figure once your pitty move Can you resist the Pleading God of Love In vain my Pray'rs the other Sex pursue Vnless your Conquering smiles their stubborn hearts subdue Dramatis Personae MEN. Sir Will. Wisewoud A Rich old Gentleman that fancies himself a great Master of his passion which he only is in trivial matters Mr. Iohnson Loveless Of a debaucht life grew weary of his Wife in six Months left her and the Town for Debts he did not care to pay and having spent the last part of his Estate beyond Sea returns to England in a very mean condition Mr. Verbruggem Sir Novelty Fashion A Coxcomb that loves to be the first in all Foppery Mr. Cibber Elder Worthy A sober Gent. of a fair Estate in love with Hillaria Mr. Williams Young Worthy His Brother of a looser temper Lover to Narcissa Mr. Horden Snap Servant to Loveless Mr. Penkethman Sly Servant to Young Worthy Mr. Bullock A Lawyer Mr. Mills WOMEN Amanda A Woman of strict Virtue married to Loveless very young and forsaken by him Mrs. Rogers Narcissa Daughter to Will. Wisewoud a Fortune Mrs. Verbruggen Hillaria His Niece Mrs. Clibber Flareit A kept Mrs. of Sir Novelty's Mrs. Kent Woman to Amanda Mrs. Lucas Maid to Flareit Servants Centinels Porter Bullies and Musick The SCENE London Love's Last Shift c. ACT I. SCENE The Park Enter Loveless and Snap his Servant Love SIrrah leave your Preaching your Counsel's like an ill Clock either stands still or goes to slow you ne'er thought my Extravagancies amiss while you had your share of 'em and now I want money to make my self drunk you advise me to live sober you Dog They that will hunt pleasure as I ha' done Rascal must never give over in a fair Chase. Snap Nay I knew you wou'd never rest till you had tir'd your Dogs ah Sir what a fine pack of Guineas have you had and yet you would make them run till they were quite spent Wou'd I were fairly turn'd out of your Service here we have been three days in Town and I can safely Swear I have liv'd upon picking a hollow tooth ever since Love Why don't you Eat then Sirrah Snap Even because I don't know where Sir Lov. Then stay til I Eat hang-dog ungrateful Rogue to murmur at a little fasting with me when thou hast been an Equal partner of my good Fortune Snap Fortune It makes me Weep to think what you have brought your self and me to How well might you ha' ivl'd Sir had you been a Sober Man Let me see I ha' been in your Service just ten years In the first you Married and grew weary of your Wife in the Second you Whor'd Drank Gam'd run in Debt Mortgaged your Estate and was forct to leave the Kingdom in the 3d 4th 5th 6th and 7th you made the Tour of Europe with the State and Equipage of a French Court Favourite while your poor Wife at Home broke her heart for the loss of you In the 8th and 9th you grew poor and little the wiser and now in the 10th you are resolv'd I shall starve with you Love Despicable Rogue canst not thou bear the Frowns of a Common strumpet Fortune Snap S'bud I never think of the Pearl Necklace you gave that Dam'd Venetian Strumpet but I wish her hang'd in 't Love Why Sirrah I knew I cou'd not have her without it and I had a Night's Enjoyment of her was worth a Pope's Revenue for 't Snap Ah! you had better ha' laid out your money here in London I 'll undertake you might have had the whole Town over and over for half the price Beside Sir what a delicate Creature was your Wife She was the only Celebrated Beauty in Town I 'll undertake there were more Fops and Fools run mad for her odsbâ—d she was more plagued with 'em and more talk't of than a good Actress with a Maiden-head Why the Devil cou'd not she content you Love No Sirrah the World to me is a Garden stockt with all sorts of Fruit where the greatest pleasure we can take is in the Variety of Taste But a Wife is an Eternal Apple-tree after a pull or two you are sure to set your Teeth on Edge Snap And yet I warrant you grudg'd another Man a bit of her tho' you valu'd her no more than you wou'd a half Eaten Pippin that had lain a Week a Sunning in a Parlor Window But see Sir who 's this for methinks I long to meet with an old acquaintance Love Ha! I gad he looks like one and may be necessary as the case stands with me Snap Pray Heaven he do but invite us to Dinner Enter Young Worthy Love Dear Wontby let me embrace thee the sight of an old Friend warms me beyond that of a new Mistress Y. Wor. S'Death what Bully's this Sir your pardon I don't know you Love Faith Will I am a little out of repaires at present But I am all that 's left of honest Ned Loveless Y. Wor. Loveless I am amaz'd what means this Metamorphosis Faith Ned I am glad to find thee amongst the Living however How long hast thou been in Town Love About three days But prithee Will how goes the World Y. Wor. Why like a Bowl it runs on at the old rate Interest is still the Jack it aimes at and while it rowles you know it must of necessity be often turn'd upside down But I doubt Friend you have bowl'd out of the Green have liv'd a little too fast Surveying his dress like one that has lost all his ready money and are forc't to be an idle Spectator Prithee what brought thee at last to England Love Why my last hopes faith which were to perswade Sir Will Wisewood if he be alive to whom I Mortgaged my Estate to let me have Five hundred pounds more upon it or else to get some honest Friend to redeem the Mortgage and share the over-plus Beside I thought that London might now be a place of uninterrupted pleasure for I hear my Wife is dead and to tell you the Truth 't was the stalene's of her love was the main cause of my going over Y. Wor. His Wife dead ha I 'm glad he knows no other I won't undeceive him least the Rogue should go and risle her of what she has Aside Yes faith I was at her Burial and saw her take possession of her long home and am sorry to tell you Ned she died with Grief your wild courses broke her heart Love Why Faith she was a good natur'd Fool that 's the truth on 't well rest her Soul Snap Now Sir you are a single Man indeed for you have neither Wife nor Estate Y. Wor. But how hast thou improv'd thy money beyond Sea What hast thou brought over Love Oh! a great deal of Experience Y. Wor. And no
thousand pound to him There wants nothing but filling up the Blanks with the Party's Names if you please Sir I 'll do 't immediately Sir VVill. Do so Law May I crave your Daughter's Christian Name the rest I know Sir Sir Will. Narcissa prithee make hast Y. VVor. You know your Business aside to the Lawyer Law I 'll warrant you Sir sits to write Sir VVill. Mr. VVorthy methinks your Brother does not relish your Happiness as he shou'd do Poor Man I 'll warrant he wishes himself in his Brother's condition Y. VVor. Not I I 'll assure you Sir Sir VVill. Niece Niece have you no Pity Prithee look upon him a little Odd he 's a pretty young Fellow I am sure he loves you or he wou'd not have frequented my House so often De' e think his Brother cou'd not tell my Daughter his own Story without his Assistance Pshaw waw I tell you you were the Beauty that made him so assiduous Come come give him your Hand and he 'll soon creep into your Heart I 'll warrant you Come say the word and make him happy Hill What to make my self miserable Sir Marry a Man without an Estate Sir VVill. Hang an Estate True Love's beyond all Riches 'T is all dirt meer dirt beside han't you Fifteen Thousand Pound to your Portion Hill I doubt Sir you wou'd be loath to give him your Daughter tho' her Fortune's larger Sir VVill. Odd if he loved her but half so well as he loves you he shou'd have her for a word speaking Hill But Sir this asks some Consideration Nar. You see Mr. VVorthy what an extraordinary Kindness my Father has for you Y. VVor. Ay Madam and for your Cousin too But I hope with a little of your Assistance we shall be both able very shortly to return it Nar. Nay I was always ready to serve Hillaria for Heaven knows I only Marry to Revenge her Quarrel to my Father I cannot forgive his off'ring to sell her Y. VVor. O you need not take such pains Madam to conceal your Passion for me you may own it without a blush upon your Wedding-day Nar. My Passion When did you hear me acknowledge any If I thought you cou'd believe me guilty of such a Weakness tho' after I had marry'd you I wou'd never look you in the Face Y. VVor. A very pretty Humour this faith Aside What a world of unnecessary Sins have we two to Answer for For she has told more Lyes to conceal her Love than I have sworn false Oaths to promote it Well Madam at present I 'll content my self with your giving me leave to Love Nar. Which if I don't give you 'll take I suppose Hill Well Uncle I won't Promise you but I 'll go to Church and see them marry'd when we come back 't is ten to one but I surprize you where you least think on Sir VVill. Why that 's well said Mr. VVorthy now now 's your time Odd I have so fir'd her 't is not in her power to deny you Man To her to her I warrant her thy own Boy You 'll keep your word Five Thousand Pound upon the day of Marriage Y. VVor. I 'll give you my Bond upon demand Sir Sir VVill. O! I dare take your Word Sir Come Lawyer have you done Is all ready Law All Sir This is your Bond to Mr. VVorthy Will you be pleased to Sign that first Sir Sir VVill. Ay ay let 's see The Condition of this Obligation Reads Hum um Come lend me the Pen. There Mr. VVorthy I deliver this as my Act and Deed to you and Heaven send you a good Bargain Niece will you Witness it which she does Come Lawyer your Fist too Lawyer witnesses it Law Now Sir if you please to Sign the Joynture E. VVor. Come on Sir VVilliam I deliver this to you for the use of your Daughter Madam will you give your self the trouble once move Hill sets her Hand Come Sir the Lawyer does the same So now let a Coach be called as soon as you please Sir Sir VVill. You may save that Charge I saw your own at the Door E. VVor. Your Pardon Sir that wou'd make our business too Publick For which Reason Sir VVilliam I hope you will excuse our not taking you along with us Exit a Servant Sir VVill. Ay ay with all my heart the more Privacy the less Expence But pray what time may I expect you back again For Amanda has sent to me for the Writings of her Husband's Estate I suppose she intends to Redeem the Mortgage and I am afraid she will keep me there till Dinner-time Y. VVor. Why about that time she has obliged me to bring some of her nearest Friends to be Witnesses of her good or evil Fortune with her Husband Methinks I long to know her Success if you please Sir VVilliam we 'll meet you there Sir VVill. With all my heart Enter a Servant Well! is the Coach come Serv. It is at the Door Sir Sir VVill. Come Gentlemen no Ceremony your time 's short E. VVor. Your Servant Sir VVilliam Exeunt E. VVor. Y. VVor. Nar. and Hill Sir VVill. So here 's Five Thousand Pounds got with a wet finger This 't is to read Mankind I knew a Young Lover wou'd never think he gave too much for his Mistress VVell if I don 't suddenly meet with some misfortune I shall never be able to bear this Tranquillity of Mind Exit The SCENE changes to Amanda's House Enter Amanda Sola Am. Thus far my hopes have all been answer'd and my disguise of Vicious Love has charm'd him ev'n to a Madness of Impure Desire But now I tremble to pull off the Mask lest bare fac'd Vertue shou'd fright him from my Arms for ever Yet sure there are Charms in Vertue nay stronger and more pleasing far than hateful Vice can boast of Else why have Holy Martyrs perish'd for its sake While Lewdness ever gives severe Repentance and unwilling Death Good Heaven inspire my heart and hang upon my Tongue the force of Truth and Eloquence that I may lure this wandring Falcon back to Love and Vertue He comes and now my dreaded Task begins Enter Loveless in New Cloaths Am. How fare you Sir De' e not already think your self confin'd Are you not tired with my easie Love Lov. O! never never you have so fill'd my thoughts with Pleasures past that but to reflect on 'em is still new Rapture to my Soul and the Bliss must last while I have Life or Memory Am. No Flattery Sir I lov'd you for your plain-dealing and to preserve my good Opinion tell me what think you of the Grapes persuading Juice Come speak freely wou'd not the next Tavern-Bush put all this out of your head Lov. Faith Madam to be free with you I am apt to think you are in the right on 't For tho' Love and Wine are two very fine Tunes yet they make no Musick if you play them both together separately they Ravish
Loves Last Shift OR THE Fool in fashion A COMEDY As it is Acted at the THEATRE ROYAL BY His Majestys Servants Written by C. CIBBER Fuit haec Sapientia Quondam Concubitu Prohibere Vago Dare Iura Maritis Hor. de Art Poet. LONDON Printed for H. Rhodes in Fleet-street R. Parker at the Royal-Exchange and S. Briscoe the Corner Shop of Charles-street in Russel-street Covent-Garden 1696. ☞ There is in the Press and will speedily be Published the Novels of Mrs. Behn in one Volume with several Passionate Love Letters betwixt Deamon and Iris c. Printed for Samuel Briscoe in Covent-Garden 1696 TO RICHARD NORTON of Southwick Esq SIR THO' I can't without Ingratitude Conceal the Exceeding Favours which the Town have shown this Piece yet they must give me leave to own that even my Vanity lay Husht quite stifled in my Fears till I had securely fixt its Good Fortune by Publishing your Approbation of it An Advantage which as it will Confirm my Friends in their favourable Opinion so it must in some Measure Qualifie the Severity of the Malicious After this Declaration let the World Imagine how Difficult it is for me not to Launch into your Character But since the smoothness of your Temper and Depth of Iudgment are my chief Protection I am loath to Discompose you by an Vngrateful Repetition of those Virtues which only please you in the Practice The World as little wants the Knowledge of 'em as you desire the Recital 'T is your Happiness Sir that your Fortune has fixed you above the need of Praise or Friends yet both are equally Vnavoidable For even to your Solitude Praise will follow you and grows Fonder of you for your Coldness She Loves you for your Choice of Pleasures those Noble Pleasures of a sweet Retirement from which nothing but the Considenation of your Countrey 's Weal cou'd draw you But as no Man can properly be made a Patron whose Virtues have not in some sort Qualified him for such a Care So Sir it is sufficient for me that your Life and Conversation are the best Herald's of Your Power and My Safety Here Sir I must beg leave to clear my self from what the Ill Wishes of some wou'd have the World believe that what I now Offer you is Spurious and not the Product of my own Labour And thô I am pleas'd that this Report seems to allow it some Beauties yet I am sorry it has made a Discovery of some Person 's who think me Worth their Malice This Dedication were little better than an Affront unless I cou'd with all Sincerity assure you Sir that the Fable is intirely my own nor is there a Line or Thought throughout the Whole for which I am Wittingly oblig'd either to the Dead or Living For I cou'd no more be pleas'd with a Stol'n Reputation than with a Mistress who yielded only upon the Intercession of my Friend It satisfies me Sir that you believe it mine and I hope what others say to the Contrary is rather owing to an Vnreasonable Disgust than their Real Opinion I am not Ignorant of those Oversights I have Committed nor have the Dissecting Criticks much Discourag'd me For 't is Their Diversion to find Fault and to have none is to them an Vnpardonable Disappointment no Man can expect to go Free while they don't spare one another But as I write not in Defiance of their Censure so after having Diverted you Sir I shall not trouble my self for a Defensive Preface Had it not succeeded I shou'd have had Modesty Enough to impute it to my own want of Merit For certainly the Town can take no Pleasure in Decrying any Man's Labours when 't is their Interest to Encourage 'em every Guest is the best Iudge of his own Pallat and a Poet ought no more to Impose good Sense upon the Galleries than Dull Farce upon the Vndisputed Iudges I first Consider'd who my Guests were before I prepared my Entertainment and therefore I shall only add this as a General Answer to all Objections That it has every way Exceeded mine and hitherto has not wrong'd the House's Expectation That Mr. Southern's Good Nature whose own Works best Recommend his Iudgment Engag'd his Reputation for the Success which its Reception and your Approbation Sir has since redeem'd to the Intire Satisfaction of SIR Your most Devoted Humble Servant Colley Cibber Febr. 7. 169◠PROLOGUE By a FRIEND Spoken by Mr. Verbruggen WIT bears so thin a Crop this Duller Age We 're forc't to Glean it from the Barren Stage Ev'n Players Fledg'd by Nobler Pens take Wing Themselves and their own Rude Composures Sing Nor need our Young one Dread a Shipwrack here Who Trades without a Stock has nought to fear In every Smile of yours a Prize he draws And if you Damn him he 's but where he was Yet where 's the Reason for the Critick Crew With Killing Blasts like Winter to pursue The Tender Plant that Ripens but for you Nature in all her Works requires Time Kindness and Years 't is makes the Virgin Climb And shoot and hasten to the expected Prime And then if untaught Fancy fail to Please Y'instruct the willing Pupil by Degrees By Gentle Lessons you your Ioys improve And Mold her Awkward Passion into Love Ev'n Folly has its Growth Few Fools are made You Drudge and Sweat for 't as it were a Trade 'T is half the Labour of your Trisling Age To Fashion you fit Subjects for the Stage Well! If our Author Fail to Draw you like In the first Draught you 're not to expect Vandike What tho' no Master-stroke in this Appears Yet some may find Features Resembling Theirs Nor do the Bad alone his Colours share Neglected Virtue is at least shown Fair And that 's enough o' Conscience for a Play'r But if you 'd have him take a Bolder Flight And Draw your Pictures by a Truer Light You must your selves by Follies yet unknown Inspire his Pencil and Divert the Town Nor Iudge by this his Genius at a stand For Time that makes new Fools may mend his Hand EPILOGUE Spoken By Miss Cross who Sung CUPID NOW Gallants for the Author first to you Kind Citty-Gentlemen o' th' middle-Row He hopes you nothing to his Charge can lay There 's not one Cuckold made in all his Play Nay you must own if you 'l believe your Eyes He draws his Pen against your Enemies For he declares to day he meerly strives To maul the Beaux because they maul your Wives Now Sirs to you whose sole Religion 's Drinking Whoring Roaring without the Pain of Thinking He fears h 'as made a fault you 'll ne'er forgive A crime beyond the hopes of a Reprieve An Honest Rake forego the Ioys of life His Whores and Wine t' Embrace a Dull Cast Wife Such out of fashion stuff But then agen He 's Lewd for above four Acts Gentlemen For Faith he knew when once he 'd chang'd his Fortune And reform'd his Vice 't was Time to
money Snap Not a souse faith Sir as my belly can testify Love But I have a great deal more wit then T had Snap Not enough to get your Estate agen or to know where we shall dine to day O Lord he don't ask us yet Aside Y. Wor. VVhy your Rogue 's witty Ned where did'st thou pick him up Love Don't you remember Snap formerly your Pimp in Ordinary But he is much improv'd in his calling I assure you Sir Y. Wor. I don't doubt it considering who has been his Master Snap Yes Sir I was an humble Servant of yours and am still Sir and shou'd be glad to stand behind your Chair at Dinner Sir Bowes Y. Wor. Oh! Sir that you may do another time But to day I am ingag'd upon business however there 's a meales meat for you Throws him a Guinea Snap Bless my eye sight a Guinea Sir is there e'er a VVhore you wou'd have kickt any old Bawds windows you wou'd have broken shall I beat your Taylor for disappointing you or your Surgeon that wou'd be paid for a Clap of two years standing if you have occasion you may command your humble Servant Y. Wor. Sweet Sir I am oblig'd to you but at present am so happy as to have no occasion for your assistance But hark you Ned Prithee what hast thou done with thy Estate Love I pawn'd to buy pleasure that is old VVine young VVhores and the conversation of Brave Fellows as Mad as my self Pox If a Man has Appetites they are Torments if not indulged I shall never complain as long as I have Health and Vigour and as for my Poverty why the Devil shou'd I be asham'd of that since a Rich Man wont blush at his Knavery Y. Wor. Faith Ned I am as much in Love with Wickedness as thou can'st be but I am for having it at a Cheaper rate than my Ruine Don't it grate you a little to see your Friends blush for you Love T is very odd that People shou'd be more asham'd of others Faults then their own I never yet cou'd meet with a Man that offer'd me Counsel but had more occasion for himself Y. Wor. So far you may be in the right For indeed good Counsel is like a home Jest which every busie Fool is offering to his Fellow and yet won't take himself Lov. Right thus have I known a jolly Red-Nos'd Parson at Three a Clock in the Morning Belch out Invectives against late Hours and hard Drinking And a Canting Hypocritical Sinner protest against Fornication when the Rogue was himself just crawling out of a Flux Y. Wor. Tho these are Truths Friend yet I don't see any Advantage you can draw from them Prithee how will you live now all your Money 's gone Lov. Live How dost thou live thou art but a younger Brother I take it Y. Wor. Oh! very well Sir tho faith my Father left me but 3000 l. one of which I gave for a place at Court that I still enjoy the other two are gone after pleasure as thou say'st But beside this I am supply'd by the continual bounty of an indulgent Brother now I am loath to load his good Nature too much and therefore have e'en thought fit like the rest of my raking Brother-hood to Purge out my wild Humours with Matrimony By the way I have taken care to see the Dose well sweetned with a swinging Portion Lov. Ah! Will You 'll find Marrying to Cure Lewdness is like Surfoiting to Cure Hunger For all the Consequence is you Loath what you Surfeit on and are only Chast to her you Marry but prithee Friend what is thy Wife that must be Y. Wor. Why faith since I believe the matter is too far gone for any Man to Postpone me at least I am sure thou wilt not do me an Injury to do thy self no good I 'll tell thee you must know my Mistress is the Daughter of that very Knight to whom you Mortgag'd your Estate Sir William Wisewou'd Lov. Why she 's an Heiress and has a 1000 l a year in her own Hands if she be of Age But I suppose the Old Man knows nothing of your intentions Therefore prithee how have you had opportunities of promoting your Love Y. Wor. Why thus you must know Sir William being very well acquainted with the largeness of my Brothers Estate designs this Daughter for him and to Encourage his Passion offers him out of hi◠own Pocket the Additional Blessing of 5000 l. This Offer my Brother knowing my Inclinations seems to embrace but at the same time is really in Love with his Neice who lives with him in the same House and therefore to hide my design from the Old Gentleman I pretend visits to his Daughter as an Intercessor for my Brother only and thus he has given me dayly opportunities of advancing my own Interest nay and I have so contriv'd it that I design to have the 5000 l. too Lov. How is that possible since I see no hopes of the Old Mans consent for you Y. Wor. Have a Days patience and you 'll see the effects on 't in a word 't is so sure that nothing but delays can hinder my Success therefore I am very earnest with my Mistress that to Morrow may be the Day But a Pox on 't I have two Women to prevail with for my Brother Quarrels every other Day with his Mistriss and while I am reconciling him I loose Ground in my own Amour Lov. Why has not your Mistriss told you her Mind yet Y. Wor. She will I suppose as soon as she knows it her self for within this Week she has chang'd it as often as her Linnen and keeps it as secret too for she wou'd no more own her Love before my Face then she wou'd shift her self before my Face Lov. P'shaw She shows it the more by striving to conceal it Y. Wor. Nay she does give me some Proofs indeed for she will suffer no body but her self to speak ill of me is always uneasy till I am sent for never pleas'd when I am with her and still Jealous when I leave her Lov. Well Success to thee Will I will send the Fiddles to release you from your first Nights Labour Y. W. But hark you Have a care of disobliging the Bride thô Ha! Yonder goes my Brother I am afraid his walking so Early proceeds from some disturbance in his Love I must after him and set him right Dear Ned you 'll Excuse me shall I see you at the Blue Posts between Five and Six this Afternoon Lov. With all my Heart but dee ye hear can'st not thou lend me the fellow to that same Guinea you gave my Man I 'll give you my Bend if you mistrust me Y. Wor. Oh Sir Your necessity is Obligation enough there 't is and all I have faith when I see you at Night you may command me farther Adieu at Six at farthest Exit Y. Wor. Love Without fail so Now Rascal you are an hungry are you
Love after his Honey-Moon's over Lov. The Receipt is easily found Madam Love's a tender Plant which cann't live out of a warm Bed you must take care with undissembled Kindness to keep him from the Northern Blast of Jealousie Nar. But I have heard your Experienced Lovers make use of Coldness and that 's more Agreeable to my Inclination Lov. Coldness Madam before Marriage like throwing a little Water upon a clear Fire makes it burn the fiercer but after Marriage you must still take care to lay on fresh Fuel Nar. Oh fie Sir how many Examples have we of Mens hating their Wives for being too fond of ' em Lov. No wonder Madam you may stifle a Flame by heaping on too great a Load Nar. Nay Sir if there be no other way of destroying his Passion for me he may love till Doomsday E. W. Humph! don't you smell Powder Gentlemen Sir Novelty is not far of Lov. What not our Fellow Collegian I hope that was expell'd the University for Beating the Proctor E. W. The same Lov. Does that Weed grow still E. W. Ay faith and as rank as ever as you shall see for here he comes Enter Sir Novelty Sir No. Ladies your humble Servant Dear Loveless let me Embrace thee I am o'er-joy'd at thy good Fortune stop my Vitals the whole Town rings of it already my Lady Tattletongue has tired a Pair of Horses in spreading the News about Hearing Gentlemen that you were all met upon an Extraordinary good Occasion I cou'd not resist this opportunity of joyning my Joy with yours for you must know I am Nar. Married Sir Sir No. To my Liberty Madam I am just parted from my Mistress Nar. And pray Sir how do you find your self after it Sir No. Th ehappiest Man alive Madam Pleasant Easie Gay Light and Free as Air hah Capers I beg your Ladyship's Pardon Madam but upon my Soul I cannot confine my Rapture Nar. Are you so indifferent Sir Sir No. Oh! Madam she 's engaged already to a Temple Beau I saw 'em in a Coach together so fond and bore it with as unmov'd a Countenance as Tom Worthy does a thundering Jest in a Comedy when the whole House roars at it Y. W. Pray Sir what occasion'd your Seperation Sir No. Why this Sir you must know she being still possest with a Brace of Implacable Devils call'd Revenge and Jealousie dogg'd me this Morning to the Chocolate-house where I was oblig'd to leave a Letter for a young foolish Girl that you will excuse me Sir which I had no sooner delivered to the Maid of the House but whip she snatches it out of her hand flew at her like a Dragon tore off her Head-Close flung down three or four Setts of Lemonade-Glasses Dasht my Lord Whiffles Chocolate in his Face Cut him over the Nose And had like to have strangled me in my own Steinkirk Lov. Pray Sir how did this end Sir No. Comically stop my Vitals for in the Cloud of Powder that she had batter'd out of the Beaux Periwigs I stole away After which I sent a Friend to her with an Offer which she readily accepted Three hundred pound a year during life provided she wou'd renounce all claims to me and resign my Person to my own disposal E. W. Methinks Sir Novelty you were a little too extravagant in your Settlement considering how the price of Women is fallen Sir No. Therefore I did it to be the first man shou'd raise their price For the Devil take me but the Women of the Town now come down so low that my very Footman while he kept my Place t'other day at the Playhouse carry'd a Mask out of the Side-Box with him and stop my Vitals the Rogue is now taking Physick for 't Enter the Servants with Snap 1. Ser. Come bring him along there Lov. How now hah Snap in hold Pray let 's know the business Release him Gentlemen 1 Ser. Why an 't please you Sir this Fellow was taken in the Cellar with my Lady's Woman she says he kept her in by force and was rude to her she stands crying here without and begs her Ladyship to do her Justice Am. Mr. Loveless we are both the occasion of this Misfortune and for the poor Girl 's Reputation-sake something shou'd be done Lov. Snap answer me directly have you lain with this poor Girl Snap Why truly Sir Imagining you were doing little less with my Lady I must confess I did commit Familiarity with her or so Sir Lov. Then you shall marry her Sir no reply unless it be your Promise Snap Marry her O Lord Sir after I have lain with her why Sir how the Devil can you think a Man can have any Stomach to his Dinner after he has had three or four Slices off of the Spit Lov. Well Sirrah to renew your Appetite and because thou hast been my old Acquaintance I 'll give thee an 100 l. with her and thirty Pound a Year during life to set you up in some honest Imployment Snap Ah! Sir now I understand you Heav'n reward you Well Sir I partly find that the gentile Scenes of our lives are pretty well over and I thank Heav'n that I have so much Grace left that I can repent when I have no more Opportunities of being wicked come Spouse She Enters here 's my hand the rest of my Body shall be forth-coming ah little did my Master and I think last night that we were robbing our own Orchards Exeunt E. W. Brother stand upon your Guard here comes Sir William Enter Sir William Wisewoud Sir W. Joy joy to you all Madam I Congratulate your good Fortune Well my dear Rogue must not I give thee Joy too ha Y. W. If you please Sir but I confess I have more than I deserve already Sir W. And art thou marry'd Y. W. Yes Sir I am marry'd Sir W. Odso I am glad on 't I dare swear thou dost not grudge me the 5000 l. Y. W. Not I really Sir you have given me all my Soul cou'd wish for but the Addition of a Fathers Blessing Kneels with Narcissa Sir W. Humh what dost thou mean I am none of thy Father Y. W. This Lady is your Daughter Sir I hope Sir W. Prithee get up prithee get up thou art stark mad true I believe she may be my Daughter well and so Sir Y. W. If she be not I 'm certain she 's my Wife Sir Sir W. Humh Mr. Worthy pray Sir do me the favour to help me to understand your Brother a little do you know any thing of his being married E. W. Then without any abuse Sir William he married your Daughter this very Morning not an hour ago Sir Sir W. Pray Sir whose consent had you who advis'd you to it Y. W. Our mutual Love and your consent Sir which these Writings entituling her to a thousand Pound a year and this Bond whereby you have oblig'd your self to pay me five thousand Pound upon our day of Marriage are sufficient proofs