taunted Sir Iohn saw a mad merry crew come leaping over the field as frolickly as if they ought not all the world two pence and drawing nearer he did perceive that either Bottle Ale or Beer had made a fray with them for the lifting of their feet shewed the lightness of their heads A Tantivee-Parson The foremost was a plain Country Sir Iohn or Vicar that proclaimed by the redness of his Nose he did oftner go into the Alehouse than the Pulpit and him Sir Iohn asked what they were and whether they were going What are you quoth the Priest that stand by the high way to examine me and my friends here 's none in my Company but are able to answer for themselves he seeing they were all set on a merry pin told the cause and said that he needed them to be of the Quest. Marry quoth Sir Iohn a good motion know these all are my Parishioners and we have been drinking with a poor man and spending our money with him a neighbour of ours that hath lost a Cow Now for our names and our Trades this is a Smith the second a Weaver the third a Miller the fourth a Cook the fifth a Carpenter the sixth a Glover the seventh a Pedlar the eight a Tinkar the ninth a Waterbearer the tenth a Husbandman the eleventh a Dyer and the twelfth a Saylor and I the Vicar or Parson which you please to call me How could you Sir have a fitter Jury than me and my Parishioners You are a little too brief quoth Sir Iohn for you are a Fellow that raiseth up new Schisms and Heresies and Divisions among your People and the world was never in quiet Devotion Neighbourhood and Hospitality never flourished in this Land since such upstart Boys and shittle-witted Fools becam of the Ministry you preach Faith and say that doing of Alms is Papistry but you have taught so long Fidâ—s solum juâ—â—ificâ—t that you have preached good Works quite out of your Parish a poor man shall assoon break his Nâ—ck as his Fast at a rich mans doâ—r Alas Sir Iohn you are mistaken for my friend though indeed I am none of the best Scholars yet I can reâ—d a Homily every Sunday and Holiday and keep company with my Neighbors and go to the Alehouse with them and if they be fallen out spend my Money to make them friends and on Sundays sometime if good Fellowship call me away I say both Morning and Evening Prayer at once and so let them have a whole Afternoon to play in This is my Life I spend my Living with my Parishioners I seek to do all good and I offer no man harm Well quoth Sir Iohn then I warrant thou art an honest Vicar and therefore stand by thou shalt be one of the Quest. No Cheat in the Smith's Profession And as for you Smith I see no great fault in you you earn your Living with the Sweat of your Brows and there can be no great Knavery in you only I would have you to mend your life for drinking since you are never at quiet unless the Pot be still at your Nose The Knavery of the Weaver But you Weaver the Proverb puts you down for a crafty Knave you can filch and steal almost as well as the Taylor your Woof and Warp is so cunningly drawn out that you plague the poor Countrey Huswives for their Yarn and dawb on so much Dregs that you make it seem both well wrought and to bear weight when it is slenderly woven and you have stollen a quarter of it from the poor Wife Away be packing for you shall be cashier'd The Miller and Weavâ—r shake hands What Miller shake hands with your Brother the Weaver for Knavery you can take Toll twice and have false Hoppers to convey away the poor mans Meal Be gone I love not your dusty looks The Cheats of the Cooks And for Company Goodman Cook go with them for you cozen the poor men and Countrey Termers with your silthy meat you will buy of the worst and cheapest when it is bad enough for Dogs and yet so powder it and parboil it that you will sell it to some honest poor men and that unreasonably too If you leave any Meat over-night you make a shift to heat it again the next day Nay if on the Thursday at night there be any left you make Pies of it on Sunday Morning and almost with your slovenly Knavery poison the poor people To be short I brook you not and therefore be walking For the Carpenter Glover and Water-bearer the Husbandman Dier and Saylor since your Trades have but petty â—lights stand you with Mr. Vicar you are like to help to give in the Verdict Tinkers and Pedlars Knavery But for the Pedlar and the Tinker they are two notable Knaves both of a hair and both Cousin-germains to the Devil For the Tinker why he is a drowsie bawdy drunken Companion that walks up and down with a Trugg after him and in stopping one hole makes three and is in convenient place he meets with one alone perhaps rifles him or her of all that ever they have a base Knave without fear of God or love to any one but his Whore and to himself The Pedlar as bad or rather worse walketh the Countrey with his Doxy at the least if he have not too his Morts Dels and Autem Morts he passeth commonly through every pair of Stocks either for his Drunkenness or his Lechery And beside it is reported you can lift or nip a Bung like a guire Cove if you want pence and that you carry your Pack but for a colour to shadow your other Villanies Well howsoever you are both Knaves and so be jogging Well at last quoth the Judge I suppose Sir Iohn your Jury is almost full I believe you want not above three or four persons look you yonder where they come to make up the Number and they should be men of good Disposition for they seem to be all Countrimen of Vtopia Assoon as they came close Sir Iohn met them and told them the Matter and they were content to be of the Jury The one said he was a Grasier the other a Farmer the other a Shepherd to them both What think you of these three quoth Sir Iohn Marry saith the Judge two of them are honest men but the other is a base Knave but 't is no matter shuffle him in amongst the rest Nay by your leave quoth Mr. Attorney I will shuffle out these two for they are the very Cormorants of the Countrey and devour the poor people with their monstrous exaction The Cheats used by the Grasier And first I alledge against the Grasier that he forestalleth Pastures and Medow grounds for the feeding of his Cattel and wringeth Leases of them out of poor mens hands and in his buying of Cattel he committeth great Usury for it it prove a wet year then he maketh havock and selleth dear if it be a dry year then
he buyeth cheap and yet having Pasture keeps them till he may come to his own price he knoweth as well as the Butcher by the feed of a Bullock how much Tallow he will yield what his Quarters will amount untoâ— what the Tanner will give for the Hide Nay what the Sowse-wives were able to make of the Inwards so that he sells it so dear to the Butcher that he can scarce live of it and therefore what subtilty the Butcher useth cometh from the Grasier so that I exempt him from the Quest as a bad Member and an ill Friend to Justice The Cheats used by the Farmer And for you Mr. Farmer you know how through you covetous Landlords raise their Rents for if a poor man have but a Plough-Land if you see his Pastures bear good Grass and his arable ground good Corn and that he prospereth and goeth forward on it and provideth and maintaineth his Wife and Servants honestly then Invidus alterius rebus macrescit opimis Vicinumque pecus grandius uber habet Then straight Envy pricks the Farmer forward and he bids the Landlord far more than the poor man pays yearly for it so that if it be a Tenant at will he puts him out to beg in the Street or when his Lease comes out he overloads him in the Fine and thus blood-sucketh he the poor of his own private profit Besides the base Chuff if he sees a forward Year and that corn is like to be plenty then he murmureth against God and sweareth and protesteth he shall be undone respecting more the filling of his own Coâ—â—ers by a Dearth than the profit of his Countrey by a general Plenty Beside Sir may it please you when new Corn comes into the Market who brings it in to relieve the State Not your Mastership but the poor Husbandman that wants Pence For you keep it till the back end of the Year nay you have your Garners which have Corn of two or three Years old upon hopes still of a dear Year rather letting the Weasels eat it than the poor should have it at any reasonable price So that I conclude You are a Cormorant of the Commonwealth and a Wretch that lives of the spoil of the needie and so I leave you to jet with the Grazier Shepherds honest men As for the Shepherd unless it be that he killeth a Lamb now and then and saies the Fox stole him I know little Craft in his Budget therefore let him among the honest men of the Jurie Several Citizens come to hear the Trial of Sir John Fraud Well said Sir Iohn to the Judge here comes three or four Citizens will any of these serve turn I cannot tell quoth the Judge till I know their names and conditions With that Sir Iohn stept afore the company and enquired what they were the eldest of them being a grave Citizen said he was a Grocer the rest his good and honest Neighbours a Chandler a Haberdasher a Clothworker and two strangers one a Wallon the other a Dutchman How like you these quoth Sir Iohn to the Judge â—'le assure you my Lord these men are seen every Sunday in their Silks I marry quoth the Judge but they never get that Bravery with Honesty For the Cloth-worker his Faults were laid open before when we had the Draper in question and therefore let him be packing The Knavery of Chandlers For you Chandler I like not your Tricks you are too conversant with the Kitchen-stuff-wives you after your Wiek or Snaft is stiffened you dip it in â—ilthy Dross and after give him a Coat of good Tallow which makes the Candles drop and waste away to great hinderance of the poor Workmen that watch in the night Beside you pinch in your weights and have false measures and many other Knaveries that I omit but this be sure you shall not meddle in my Matter Neither the Haberdasher for he trims up old Felts and makes them very fair to the eye and faceth and edgeth them neatly and then he turneth them away for good ones and so abuseth us with his Cozenage Beside you buy gumm'd Taffata wherewith you line Hats that will straight asunder assoon as it comes to the heat of a mans Head To be brief I am not well skillâ—d in your Knaveries but indeed you are too subtil for a Jury-man and therefore you shall be none of the Jury The Grocer seems an honest man and I am content to admit of him only take this as a Caveat by the way all Gentlemen here present that you buy of the Garvellers of Spices the Refuse that they fift from the Merchant and that mix again and sell to your Customers Besides in your beaten Spices as in Pepper you put in Bay-berries and such Dross and so wrong the poor but these are â—light Causes and so overpass them and vouchsafe you to be of the Quest. But I pray you what be these two honest men The one quoth the Grocer a Dutchman and a Shoomaker the other a Frenchman and a Millener in St. Martins and sells Shirts Bands Bracelets Jewels and such pretty Toys for Gentlewomen Oh they be of Sir Iohn's Acquaintance Upstarts as well as he that have brought with them Pride and Abuses into England But these we 'l pass knowing they abuse most Occupations and they shall not be of the Quest Well quoth Sir Iohn now I suppose the Jury is full and we see no more coming let us call them and see how many we have The Iury being called over two are wanting Immediately enters an Honest Bookseller Assoon as Sir Iohn had spoke the Word there comes into the Court a Book-seller a reputed very honest man indeed and of a Gentile Profession assoon as ever the Judg perceived who he was he commanded he should be one of the Jury With all my heart said the Prisoner at the Bar for I know he is one that gives in his Verdict impartially he is one that will act honestly without fraud or deceit and he is one that hath a good Report in Vtopia and so he was admitted as a Jury-man What is it not possible quoth the Prisoner to have one more to make up the four and twenty as he was thus speaking he spied afar off a certain kind of an overworn Gentleman attired in Velvet and Sattin but it was somewhat drop'd and greasie and Boots on his Legs whose Soles waxed thin and seem'd to complain of their Master which treading Thrift under his feet had brought them to that Consumption he walked not as other men in the common beaten way but came compassing circumcirca as if we had been Devils and he would draw a Circle about us and at every third step he looked back as if he were afraid of a Bailiff or Sergeant After him followed two pert Apple-squires the one had a Murrey Cloth Gown on faced before with grey Coney and laid thick on the sleeves with Lace which quaintly bare up to shew his white Taffata Hose
Rogue Rascal Knave and bid him be gone for she could never live at quiet for him my Lord I believe she 'll quickly break his heart When she had ended her speech Mrs. Badwife stands up and desired that Mrs. Slack Mrs. Sloathful Mrs. Careless Mrs. Wastful Mrs. Goose-belly Mrs. Toss-pot Mrs. Wayward Mrs. Love-bed Mrs. Drowsie Mrs. Light-finger Madam Go-gay Mrs. Wanderer Mrs. Spendal her Witnesses might be called into the Court to speak in her behalf but the Judge stood up and said That the Court would give no heed to the Eâ—idence of such persons except she had any better for he said their very Names bespoke them sorry persons The Sentence upon Mrs. Bad-wife Then said the Judge to the Prisoner hold up thy hand and hear thy Sentence viz. You shall return to the place from whence you came and from thence be Carted to the Great Ducking-stool that is in this Town and there shall you sit in the presence of all the women in Vtopia for a warning to them tell you expire out your poysonous and infectious breath Mrs. Bad-wife put into a Ducking-stool to suffer Death Soon after the Execution of these Malefactors the Judge in a great Passion commanded Sir Iohn Fraud to be set to the Bar. Sir Iohn Fraud set to the Bar. That so likewise the Knavery of all Trades and Professions might be publickly Discovered Arraigned and Legally Condemned so he was set to the Bar and his Indictment read which was this viz. His INDICTMENT Sir John Fraud Thou art here Indicted by the Name of Sir John Fraud for that thou art an Vpstart come out of Italy begot of Pride nursed up by Wicked Consciences and brought into this Countrey by thy Father the Devil that thou art a Raiser of Rents an Enemy to this Kingdom and hast insinuated thy self into all Trades Estates and Professions throughout the Christian World When the Indictment was read the whole Court laughed and clapt their hands for joy saying they hoped now they should see all Roguery come to light And the Judge spake as follows to the Prisoner Iudge Sir Iohn Fraud Art thou Guilty or not Guilty of these Misdemeanors laid to thy Charge Prisoner Not Guilty my Lord And I desire to have a Jury impannelled and then no doubt but the Verdict will be given on my side The First he desired for one of his Jury was a Pâ—ick-louse Taylor As he was thus speaking to the Judge he saw coming down a Hill afar off a brave dapper Dick quaintly attired in Velvet and Sattin and a Cloak of cloth rash with a Cambrick Ruff as smoothly set and he as neatly spunged as if he had been a Bride-groom only he guess'd by his pace afar off he should be a Taylor his head was holden up so pert his legs shackle-hamm'd as if his Knees had been lac'd to his Thighs with Points Coming more near indeed he spied a Taylor 's Morice-pike on his Breast a Spanish Needle and then he fitted his Salutations not to his Suits but to his Trade and encountred him by a thred-bare Courtesie as if he had not known him and asked him of what Occupation he was A Taylor quoth he Marry then my Friend quoth he you are the more welcome for I must be tried for my Life the Matter is come to an Issue there must a Jury be impannelled upon me and I would desire and intreat you to be one of the Quest. The Iudge likes not the Man Not so quoth the Judge I challenge him for I know he cheats with Silk Lace Cloth of Gold of Silver and such costly Stuff to welt guard whip stitch edge face and draw out that the Vails of one Velvet Breech amounts to I know not what And I know there is no Taylor so precise but he can play the Cook and lick his own Fingers though he look up to Heaven yet he can cast large Shreds of such rich Stuff into Hell under his Shop-Board Besides he sets down like the Clerk of the Chancery a large Bill of Reckonings which because he keeps long in his pocket he so powders for stinking that the young upstart that needs it feels it salt in his stomack for a month after Beside Knavery hath much advanc'd him for whereas in my time he was counted but Goodman Taylor now he is grown to be called a Merchant or Gentleman Merchant-Taylor giving Arms and the Holy Lamb in his Crest where before he had no other Cognizance but a plain Spanish Needle with a Welsh Cricket on the top since then his Gain is so great and his Honour so advanc'd by Knavery I will not trâ—â—t his Conscience neither shall he come upon your Jury Indeed you have some reason quoth the Prisoner to except against him but perhaps the Taylor doth this upon meer Devotion to punish Pride and having no other Authority nor Meanâ— thinks it best to pinch them by the Purse and make them pay well as to ask them twice so much Silk Lace and other stuff as would suffice and yet to over-reach my young Master with a Bill of Reckonings that will make him scratch where it itcheth not Herein I hold the Taylor for a necessary Member to teach young Novices the way to weeping Cross that when they have wasted what their Fathers left them by Pride they may grow sparing and humble by inferred Poverty and by this reason the Taylor after his fashion exalteth the poor and pulleth down the proud for of a wealthy Esquires Son he makes a thredbare Beggar and of a scornful Taylor he sets up an upstart scurvy Gentleman Yet seeing My Lord you have made a reasonable Challenge to him the Taylor shall be none of the Quest. The Next he desired for a Jâ—ry-man was a Broker As Sir Iohn bade the Taylor stand by there was coming along the Valley towards him a square set Fellow well fed and as briskly apparelled in a black Taffata Doublet and a spâ—nce Leather â—erken with Crystal Buttons a Clook fac'd afore with Velvet and a Coventry Cap of the finest wool his Face something Ruby Blush Cherry-cheek'd like a shred of Scarlet or a little darker like the Lees of old Claret Wine a Nose autem Nose purpled preciously with Pearl and Stone like a counterfeit work and between the filthy Reumicast of his blood-shotten Snowt there appeared small Holes whereat Worms Heads peeped as if they meant by their appearance to preach aud shew the â—Antiquity and Aucieutry of his House This fiery-fac'd Churle had upon his fingers as many Gold Rings as would furnish a Goldsmiths Shop or beseem a Pandor of loug Profession to wear Wondring what Companion this should be he enquired of what Occupation he was Marry Sir quoth he a Broker Why do you ask have you any Pawns at my House No quoth he nor never will have but the reason is to have you upon a Jury The Attorney General starts up At this word starts up the Attorney General and swore he should
and black Silk Stockings a huge Ruff about his neck wrapt on his great head like a wicket-cage a little Hat with brims like the wings of a Doublet wherein he wore a Jewel of Glass as broad as a great Seal After him followed two Boys in Cloaks like Butterflies carrying one of them his cutting Sword of Choler the other his dancing Rapier of delight His Comerade that bare him Company was a jollie light timber'd Jack-a-napes in a Sate of watcheâ— Taffata cut to the skin with a Cloak all to bedawbed with coloured Lace both he and the gowned Brother seemed by their pace as if they had some Suits to Mosieur Boots At length coming near Sir Iohn could discern the first to be a Poet the second a Player the third a Musitian alias the Usher of a Dancing-School Well met Master Poet quoth Sir Iohn and welcom you Friends also though not so particularly known So it is though none of you three be Common-wealths men yet upon urgent necessity we must be forced to employ you We have a Jury to be impannelled immediately which one of you three must help to make up even he which approves himself the honestest man They are all honest men and good Fellows quoth the Attorney therefore it is no great matter whether of them we chuse The Doctors doubt of that quoth the Jugde and I am of a different opinion from you The Poet admited a Iury-man This first whom by his careless slovenly gate at first sight I imagined to be a Poet is a wast-good and an unthrift that is born to make the Taverns rich and himself a Beggar If he have forty pounds in his purse together he puts it not to Usury neither buyes Land nor Merchandise with it but goes to Wenches feeds on Capons and spends ten Pounds on a Supper Why 't is nothing if his Plough goes and his Ink-horn be clear Take one of them worth twenty thousand pound and hang him He is a King of his Pleasure and counts all other Boors and Peasants that though they have Money at command yet know not like him how to domineer with it to any purpose as they should But to speak plain I think him an honest man if he would but live within his compass and generally no mans foe but his own therefore I hold him quoth the Prisoner sit to be of my Jury Nay quoth the Judge I have more mind to these two for this Poet is a proud fellow that because he hath a little wit in his Budget will contemn and mislike that which is Reason and Sence and think we are beholden to him if he do but bestow a fair Look upon us Players and Vshers of Dancing-Schools pretty honest men The Player and the Usher of the Dancing School are plain honest humble men that for a penny or an old cast Suit of Apparrel will do any thing Quoth the Recorder you say Truth they are but too humble for they be so lowly that they be base-minded I mean not in their looks nor apparrel for so they be Peacocks and painted Asses but in their course of Life for they care not how they get crowns I mean how basely so they have them and yet of the two I hold the Player to be the better Christian although he is in his own imagination too full of self-liking and self-love and is unsit to be of the Jury though conceal his faults fopperies in that I have been merry at his Sports only this I must say that plain Countrey Fellows they bring in as Clowns and Fools to laugh at in their Play whereas they get by us and of our Alms the proudest of them all doth live Well to be brief let him trot to the Stage for he shall be none of the Jury And so you Mr. Usher of the Dancing-School you are a leader into all Misrule you instruct Gentlemen to order their feet when you drive them to misorder their Manners you are a bad fellow that stand upon your Tricks and Capers till you make young Gentlemen caper without your Lands Why Sir to be flat with you you live by your Legs ass Jugler by his hand you are given over to the Pomps and Vanities of the world And to be short you are a keeper of Misrule and a lewd fellow and you shall be none of the Quest. Why then quoth the Judg the Poet is he that must make up the four and twentieth He and none but he The Names of the Iury to be impannelled 1 Knight 2 Esquire 3 Gentleman 4 Priest 5 Printer 6 Bookseller 7 Grocer 8 Skinner 9 Dyer 10 Pewterer 11 Sadler 12 Joyner 13 Cutler 14 Plaisterer 15 Saylor 16 Ropemaker 17 Smith 18 Glover 19 Husbandman 20 Shepheard 21 Waterman 22 Waterbearer 23 Bellowes-mender 24 Poet. Then the Judge calling them all together he bade them lay their hands on the Book And first he call'd the Knight and after the rest as they followed in order then he gave them the Charge thus Worshipful Sir with the rest of the Jury whom we have elected of choice honest men whose consciences will deal uprightly in this Trial you and the rest of your Company are here upon your Oath and Oaths to inquire whether Sir Iohn Fraud have deserved Death yea or no If you find him Not guilty of those crimes that are laid to his charge then let him set in his former Estate and allow him reasonable damages Upon this they laid their hands upon the Book and were sworn and departed to the scrutiny of the offender by inquiry amongst themselves not stirring out from the bar but straight returned and the Knight for them as the foremost said thus So it is that we have with equity and conscience considered of the Prisoners Crimes and have upon strict examination found that he deserves death when the Forman had spake those words the Judge stood up and pronounc'd this Sentence Sir Iohn Fraud you have been here indicted arraigned and tryed for your Life and the Jury who have gone according to Evidence have found you really Guilty of what hath been charg'd upon you and therefore Your Sentence is That you shall be expelled all Kingdoms and Nations and Societies and Countreys for an hundred years and when that time is expired you shall be put to the severest Death that can be thought on or invented by poor abused wronged Citizens Gentlemen Yeomen and Farmers The Prisoner left in the Executioners hands And so to conclude the poor condemned Prisoner was left to the Mercy of the Executioner FINIS The Pope Arraigned and Indicted The Pope's Petition A Iury against Pope Innocent By these twelve means the Pope may be confuted Holy Scripture is excepted against for Papists may be confuted by their own Translation