Ladies Woman it instructs us in the Fashionable Mysteries of Lying Hypocrisy and Intriegue so that half a Years Service I 'll maintain shall teach a Woman to Cuckold her Husband with more dexterity than ten Years practice Exit Enter Freeman and Astrea Fre. I 'm in a Wood. Ast. To bring you out I must tell you that 't is with a great deal of difficulty I stir abroad and that I have contriv'd your acquaintance with her who is my Relation and Neighbour in order to gain more opportunities for my self and under that colour make our affair as lasting as secure Fre. I begin to understand you I must publickly declare my self Madam Clarinda's Lover while an excellent Plot which if you thought of it Ast. You are Mad I tell you she 's in earnest she saw you lik'd you and would not rest till I had told her a possibility of seeing you again which I promis'd for the reasons I have given now d' ye think I han't made a great venture Fre. Is she very handsome Ast. If she were I find I should be in danger Fre. No but I should then convince you nothing could shake your interest in my heart Ast. Well some People do think her handsome I wish you mayn't but have a care how you move I shall be very Jealous Fre. I 'm afraid I shall do it so awkardly she 'll find me out Ast. Trust nature but I have one scruple just comes into my head that will spoil all Fre. Nay then we are lost what is it Ast. I 'm afraid we shall lose the pleasure of the adventure to think that it will not be in our own power to discover it Fre. That indeed is a scruple I should not have thought of but we must bear our misfortune as well as we can and let us not be the first instance of Lovers that could not brook adversity Enter Fidelia Fid. Madam Mrs Clarinda is at the Door Ast. Very well Exit Fidelia Stay here while I prepare her and in the mean time I 'll send Mrs. Friendlove the Woman of the House to entertain you with her Pedigree and Impertinence Exit Freeman Solus This is an Excellent Wench and I Love her Heartily but 500 l. a Year I don't know what to do let me consider if I Marry there 's a Pretty Woman and 500 l. a Year which are not often together Hum If I don't here 's the most agreeable Creature in the World and Hum A Poor Lover is the Devil No Bankrupt ever found a fair one Kind Now for this Well-wisher to the Mathematicks Enter Friendlove Friend A lack-a-Day Here 's the Poor Gentleman alone Fre. This is kindly done Madam Friend You and I Captain must be acquainted it seems Fre. You make me proud Friend I knew one of your Name in Nottingham I believe we are a little related For you must know Captian as I told you within I am some way a Kin to most of the great Families in England and I never was two Minutes with any Body of Pedigree but I found out that I was their Cousin Fre. Very likely Madam This is an Original Aside Friend For which reason Captain out of pure respect to my Relations I make all my Servants call me at every Word My Lady and your Ladyship Fre. Your Ladiship is extremely in the right Friend Ha! ha ha I 'll tell you a very pretty Accident where I was visiting t'other Day came in three Welch Ladies who pretend forsooth to be above other Folks for Family and to be related to none but themselves But in a quarter of an hour's time Captain nothing was so great as I and my Cousins for upon a Comparison of our Pedigree it appear'd that we all came from a Marriage of the Ap Shinkins and the Ap Shones but you don't mind Me you are thinking of Miss Fre. Miss Friend Ay my Cousin Caelia I call her Miss because I knew her from a Child It was the neatest best humour'd thing But pray Captain how long have you been in Flanders Fre. Three Years Madam Friend She always delighted in her Chamber and plac'd every thing in such order I warrant you have a Mistress in every Town Fre. Yes Madam Friend Poor Gentleman You can't think how Miss would work she made me the Prettiest Purse and I lost it going with some Ladies to a Fortune-Tellers Fre. This is design'd Murder Holding his Ears aside Friend But now you talk of Fortune-Tellers Captain I know some People laugh at 'em but as sure as you are there he told me every thing so exactly that I was forc'd to give him t'other Shilling to hold his Tongue Fre. You did very prudently Madam Friend Are the Women in Flanders very handsome Fre. No but to make amends they are very Kind Friend Huh! Are they so Well I Love sincerity Free No Body dies there of any thing but Bullets Enter Clarinda and Astrea Cla. Here 's a Man Fre. Ha! Here will be fine Work Aside Friend Come Ladies don't be frighten'd here 's enough of us to deal with one Man 'T is Capt. Freeman a Cousin of Mine who has been giving me an account of his Travels which is so diverting Ast. He looks alarm'd I 'll watch Him Aside Friend He says the Women in Flanders Miss are not half so handsome as they are here Free These Ladies will Justify it Ast. I find there are Courtiers in Flanders if there are no Beauties Cla. You 're the first Traveller Sir that did not highten the Rarities of of the Place I 'll warrant there are handsome Women Fre. There may Madam but they don't do so much mischief as in England They know the danger of letting 'em be seen and kindly keeping 'em up in Nunneries and Convents Friend I Love 'em for that truly I am glad I was not born there a Woman must spend her Youth and Beauty over a String of Beads or a piece of Needle-Work a pretty diversion we know better things in England Cla. It may be a cunning Sir to encrease that danger you speak of for what is always before us does not affect us so much and where Beauty is so common I fansie it does little harm Fre. Against that Madam you are an instance Cla. Mrs. Friendlove your Relation has Travel'd farther than Flanders Friend Pardon me Madam my Cousin knows a pretty Lady and if he had turn'd his Eyes off you might have seen more instances Fre. turning to her O dear Madam Aside A good occasion to Court my Mistress Friend Oh good Sir Fre. I must have confess'd that thou art a Monster Aside Friend Sweet Sir Fre. looking upon Clarinda all the while So much Youth and Beauty Friend Oh dear Sir Free The most agreeable Air Friend The civilest best bred Gentleman Fre. And Wit that would have Kill'd without the Assistance of your Eyes Friend Well I Love Truth and Honour Cla. Ast. Ha! ha ha He manages it rarely Fre. The genteelest Woman in the
THE Reform'd Wife A COMEDY As it is Acted At the THEATRE-ROYAL in Drury-Lane LONDON Printed for Thomas Bennet at the Half-Moon in St. Paul's Church-Yard 1700. TO THE Right Honourable JOHN LORD LORN I Impute it to my good Fortune My Lord that the first appearance of this Play was on a Wednesday in Lent for then it seems the Town look for a bad Entertainment and if they met with any thing they did not expect it was a disappointment that I presume they 'll forgive I confess it has succeeded beyond my Expectation since I understand that Your Lordship also has been pleased to speak in it's Favour But You did not apprehend what You drew upon Your Self when you was doing so and little thought from commending the Brat to have it laid at Your Door But tho' your approbation in Publick makes me proud yet the delicacy of your Judgment in private keeps me humble your Understanding discovers all faults but your good breeding will not let you take Notice of any and you can discourage no body but when they attempt to imitate you If I had oftener had the honour to have been near your Lordship the Conversation of the Comedy wou'd have discover'd it and tho' it be my misfortune to be almost a stranger to your Person Yet I may safely affirm that I am throughly acquainted with your Character and to speak but truth of you wou'd look too like a Dedication I might inlarge upon the Antiquity of your Race were I so vain as to hope to add any thing to the honour of what 's recorded in our Annals I might dwell upon those Qualifications that render you so amiable to all that know you the Unaffected sincerity of your Nature your Zeal for the welfare of your Country your exemplary Bravery and just Sence of true Honour but to do this my Lord wou'd be to entertain you with the daily Discourse of your Friends as for Enemies you have none but those you found in Flanders where you were giving Commands to a Regiment at an Age that others are receiving Precepts from a Tutor I dare say no more tho' at the same time I disoblige one I gratifie a thousand for you are the only Person that can't bear to hear the Lord Lorn well spoke of But since I would not purchase their approbation at the rate of your displeasure I must relieve your Lordship from the pain of hearing what 's your due and only tell you that I am Your Lordship 's Most Devoted Humble Servant THE PREFACE I don't know whether I have more reason to be pleas'd or griev'd at the Fate of this Play for the World is very jealous of applause and he is sure to make a great many Enemies that is so unfortunate to succeed Some have already done me the Honour to say that it was not all Mine tho' I am surpriz'd at the imputation that what I once believed too great a Dowdy to belong to ev'n my self should deserve to be thought another's But the uneasy Criticks upon a nearer view of its Features have mortify'd me and more judiciously concluded that no Body wou'd own it but my self All that I shall say to these last is that I did not design a just Play and that I am as well pleas'd as they are that I had no regard to the Vnities of Action c. but if I diverted my Friends without offending the Ladies I have my wish These angry Gentlemen I presume will thank me for one thing in the Third Act and that is I have put a Pun in the Mouth of the fine Lady a Gentleman very remarkable for his good Nature and good Sence told me of it before it was Acted but he agreed with me to allow the Folly for the sake of the Diversion it succeeded as we guest and was always Clap'd I confess I have had some grave Thoughts on the Occasion of such Labours and methinks 't is very strange that the chief thing that flatters the vanity of most Writers is what they can't know for Fame is a good that never arrives to us till we are past injoying it and we are only immortal when we are no more as for my self I presume it will appear by what I have done that I as little value as deserve that Honour notwithstanding I don't doubt but I shall be yet believ'd to have my share of the vanity and that 't will always be one reason of writing to be thought a little wiser than we are Vivimus ambitiosa Paupertate omnes PROLOGUE SInce Novelties your Palates still pursue You have to Night both Play and Poet new From whence alone his hopes of pleasing grew For so much this prevailing Passion thrives Each for his future Appetite contrives New Friends new Favourites and of late new Wives You Criticks only keep your Old disease When Authors please you least you 're most at ease Our Poet 's therefore glad of a pretence To be insipid in his own defence And if you hiss 't is still at your Expence Often for change the meanest things are good Thus tho' the Town all delicates afford A Kit-cat is a Supper for a Lord. But if your Nicer tast resolves to Day To have no relish for our Author's Play Place some diverting Scene before your Mind And think of that to which you will be kind So thus when heavily the moments pass Toaster's to Circulate the lazy Glass By nameing some bright Nymph their draughts refine And tast at once the joys of Love and Wine Personae Dramatis MEN. SIR Solomon Empty Mr. Iohnson Freeman Mr. Wilks Careless Mr. Toms Cleremont Mr. Mills Ned Servant to Cleremont Doctor Mr. Haines Astrologer Mr. Fairbanck Apothecary a Hawker and Three-Footmen WOMEN Astrea Mrs. Knight Clarinda Mrs. Rogers Sylvia Mrs. Temple Lady Dainty Mrs. Verbruggen Mrs. Friendlove Mrs. Powell Fidelia Maid to Astrea Mrs. Moor. Cloe Lady Dainty's Woman Mrs. Stephens Pert Exchange-Woman Mrs. Baker PAge 5 line 29 for the two grand Lotteries read the grand Lotteries THE Reform'd Wife c. ACT I. SCENE I. Astrea and Clarinda Cla. YOU manage this Husband of yours very dextrously Ast. While you live observe this that the only way to rule a conceited Fool is to seem to be rul'd by him Cla. I am convinc'd but still admire by what strange Art you keep him at this distance for I have hear'd that your Old Men like those that have stinking Breaths will always be drawing closer than other Folks Ast. Why by a pretended distast of all Men I have secur'd my self against one that I hate in earnest so that now Cla. He avoids you to gain your Esteem Ast. And 't is his only way to gain it for trust me Clarinda there is nothing so distastful as a Husband's fondness and you had better be hated of the Man you Love than Lov'd of the Man you hate Cla. Then we must hate if we Marry Ast. You 'll find it difficult to Love for Marriage sets the
for Reproach and Scandal at which he is very happy eases us of Spleen and Dissatisfaction with our selves and might be very proper to assist the operations of Tunbridge Lad. You are extreamly in the Right and that must be the reason that makes Tunbridge so Fruitful of Lampoons for that Mineral not being strong enough to make the crudities of Ill-nature pass they are forc'd to bring 'em up in Verse Cle. Upon which Account Madam all the Nice Women in the Town go thither to divert their Spleen and be abus'd for Detraction is always so entertaining to the Ladies that rather than want it they will have it at their own Expence Lad. Well you are certainly a Living Lampoon Cle. Since then Madam you acknowledge me so Medicinal to you throw away your Juleps Cordials Slops and take me all at once Lad. No Mr. Cleremont that 's too Bitter a Potion to be taken so suddainly Cle. Oh! The rather Madam the rather for if you stand making Faces at what goes against you it does but increase your Aversion and delay the Cure Come you must be Advis'd presses her Lad. What mean you Sir Cle. To banish all your Ails and be my self your universal Medicine Lad. Impudent robust Man I protest did not I know his Relations I-shou'd think his Parents had not liv'd in Chairs and Coaches but had us'd their Limbs all their Lives Huh! Huh! But I begin to be perswaded Health is a great Blessing aside Cle. My Limbs Madam were convey'd to me from before the use of Chairs and Coaches and it might lessen the Dignity of my Ancestors noâ— to use 'em as they did Lad. Was ever such a rude Understanding To value himself upon the Barbarism of his Fore-fathers Indeed I have heard of Kings that were bred to the Plough and fancy you might Descend from such a Race for you Court as if you were behind one Huh! Huh! Huh! to treat a Woman of Quality like an Exchange Wench and express your Passion with your Arms unpolish'd Man Cle. I was willing Madam to take from the Vulgar the only desireable thing amongst 'em and show you how they live so Healthy for they have no other Remedy Lad. A very rough Medicine Huh! Huh! Cle. To those that never took it it may seem so pressing her Lad. Abandon'd Ravisher Leave the room and see my Face no more Cle. Bows and is going Lad. And harkee Sir 〈◊〉 Bribes no Mediations to my Woman Cle. Bows and sighs Lad. Thou Profligate To Hug To Clasp To Imbrace And throw your robust Arms about me like a Vulgar and Indelicate Oh! I faint with Apprehensions of so gross Address Cle. Oh! My offended Fair Lad. Inhumane Ravisher Oh! He takes her in his Arms and carries her off she strugling and embracing him Clarinda alone Well this is one of the most extraordinary Scenes of Loves I ever saw I cou'd never think a Womans Fantask wou'd ever run so high as to oppose her Inclination and believe her Ladyship wou'd be glad to compound for a little of the Vulgar Exit Enter Friendlove and Maid The Scene a Dressing Room Friend Confounded Jade to stay all this while I shall be too late I warrant the Parson has been there this hour and 't was never know that they stayd for the Bride Pin up this Favorite better Well these Soldiers are dear Creatures and I love 'em all Maid They 'll think your Ladyship was taken by Storm to dispatch it so suddainly Friend They 'll rather commend my Conduct for yielding before I had distress'd the Garrison set this Ribban right let foolish Maids squander their time that don't know the use of it I 'll snatch the precious Minutes as they pass and ne're stand shilly shally Maid Methinks my Lady Empty takes it very patiently Friend She dares not do otherwise for fear I shou'd make Discoveries to Sir Solomon and truly I think it Just Reprizal as I us'd to promote her pleasure to make her accessary to mine Maid 'T was foolishly done in my Opinion to trust a Gallant so near your Ladyship Friend She grew very presuming forsooth because one or two of her Fellows had the little Sense to prefer her to me but the Captain knows how to distinguish Women Maid He 's a fine proper Gentleman Friend So he is indeed nay we shall be a mighty pretty Couple but he admires my Wit it seems more than my Beauty who 'd ha' thought a Soldier had such Judgment this clumsy Carrian runs the Pins into me Maid Madam it bent under my Finger Friend Bent under your Finger make hast now some People live all their Lives without making any Conquests yet they Dress and are Pretty Women too but I can't tell how 't is they don't please there 's Mrs. Prim Mrs. Giggit and Mrs. Saint Looks Maid They want the Freedom of your Ladyâ—â—â—ps Air. Friend Nay every Body does me the Justice to say that I have very much of Quality in my Manner this new Tower does not please me Maid He 's violently in Love with you Friend I am no less with him Maid Before Marriage Friend Oh! 'T is not the Fashion after except among your ordinary People as my Cousen my Lady Dainty says no People of Quality go beyond just being Civil to each other as My Lady Your Ladyship Or so Well now am I Dress'd and going to Execution but I have resign'd my self wholly up to him to do as he pleases or since it is a sort of War as he Dares going Add's my Life I forgot my Bridal Garters O No they 're on what striving there 'll be about 'em and pinching ones Leggs Well this will be a happy Night a Young Hero and me that 's Courage and Conduct together well I always observe that those Women are seldom happy that Wed very Young But in the World they never can Miscarry Who at the Years of full Discretion Marry ACT V. SCENE I. Enter Sir Solomon Empty with his Sword drawn DIshonour'd Ruin'd Cuckol'd and by my own Contrivance I 'll ne're out-live it putting the Sword to his Breast my Mind misgives me plaguily I shall never have the Heart to do it oh commit Murder I shall never enjoy my self after I can't do it well tho I am abus'd yet a living Cuckold is better than a Dead one I see if I had been a rash Man one of the King's Subjects might have been lost without any regard to his Person but stay supposing I shou'd ask my self a few Questions how am I sure I am a Cuckold changing his Voice Oh! Sir I saw it under her Hand but Sir Solomon in an Age so full of Plots how do you know but this may be one to create Diversion Pardon me Sir I see no Colour to take it that way but t is the part of a wise Man to know the bottom before he Determines and how if Sir Solomon Empty shou'd fix himself somewhere to over hear their Meetings and receive Conviction