occasion for her Money than her Person P. P. Sir your History is Erroneous I can assure you she almost broke her Heart Val. What for thy rugged Face prithee give me leave to jest P. P. Ay for my rugged Face as you call it there are Charms in this Countenance and something else too III. Act in the beginning Berenice in my last Play says She likes the honest blunt Dog well enough and if she would let any one of the two-legg'd Bears rub their Brissels on her Face it should be the blunt Captain before any Milksop-Benu of 'em all Well that Berenice is a parlous Quean how she jilts the poor Captain and he tho such a blustring Man of War is fain to lay down his Arms when the God of love appears but she has reason which I have fully expressed in these Verses B. The time of Wooing is a Womens own But when she 's Married once her time is gone Val. Faith Tom. you say true when she 's Married once her Wooing time is over there you are once in the right but I must needs say those are silly Verses prithee let 's hear them once more P. P. The time of Wooing is a Womans own But when she 's Marryed once Val. Hold Tom. then consequently her time is gone Is it not so P. P. Yes Sir you have it Val. We are obliged to you for telling us that Secret P. P. Weâ—l I see you will persist in your ill Nature and it is now almost impossible to reclaim you but I think there is a great deal of humour and variety in Captain Darewell and Bereniece's Characters She 's a brisk freakish humourous Creature and tho she 's in love with the Captain is always teazing him and playing tricks with him and he 's an honest blunt Sea-Captain true to his Countreys Interest and the Government Val. That 's more than thou art Tom. I believe I wonder how a Man that has always been such a Grand Tory should comply and turn Whigg at last I never like Turne Coats P. P. Your Servant for that Sir but I shan't mind it I say those Parts agree very well Val. I grant it tho thy humours are whimsical and odd enough and so are those aside My Lady Bumfiddle too is worth ones Observations P. P. There I have drawn a running Bawd to the Life and yet cheated the Audience to believe her almost honest There 's a hungry toping match-making-Bawd Lambeth Ale egad did you not mind that Val. Yes yes that I did but what a beastly Name hast thou given her Bumfiddle out upon 't P. P. Why you must know I called her Bumfiddle because of her Obessity Val. I am convinc'd I only say that these two Characters behind Callow and Margery are the very worst in the Play I 'll allow all the rest to be the best of Nonsence aside P. P. No faith I don't think so neither I 'm sure I drew Callow to the Life besides the Rot-me-Sparks were nettled and so they may for Tom. Val. Thou hast made a good Actor appear like a Block-head I mean Bohen by giving him a Part no more fit for him than I am to Act Alexander the Great And for thy little lisping Quean she Acts the Part with a great deal of Impudence and for ought I know was improved by my Lady Bumfiddles Doccuments tho my Lady said her instructions were in vain You know Callow says to her come my dear sweet-Creature I must do 't and she answers What d' ye make all this bustle for why don't you then I would advise thee to write no more Bawdy unless you can wrap it up more cleanlily Lys. Faith Sir my Friend has found out so many Faults that are seemingly so that I begin to be of his mind and think you are no better than a Block-head these Jests and Quibbles wou'd have pleased us Country Gent. well enough but I see my Friend 's ingenious P. P. Gad not so ingenious as you think for Val. Ha ha ha ha poor Tom. Lys. Ha ha ha ha P. P. Nay nay ' gad laugh with Moderation or I 'm gone Val. Ha ha ha a Poet no a Scrivener or a Scribler but no Poet and so dear Tom your Servant let your next Play be better or never expose it to the Criticks Censures Come dear Friend let 's leave the Poet to his Thoughts we may hinder the Production of some excellent witty Song or Lampoon for he 's a great Enemy to the Criticks ha ha ha farewel Ballad-Maker there 's thy Man too get him a new Livery and buy no more Diamond-Rings but keep your Money when you have it ha ha ha Lys. Ha ha ha ha farewell Poetaster Val. Farewel Tom. ha ha Exeunt P. P. Nay since I am provok'd to it farewel you Brutes and Enemies to Wit and Sense nay and all learning too Iack put on my Cloak I 'll make hast to the Play-House I fear I have stayed too long prateing with these Buffoons I am of a very petulant Spleen and now they shall find what an ingenious Satyrist can do Come Iack follow me Exeunt FINIS
Poeta Infamis Or a Poet not worth Hanging Being A DIALOGUE Between Lysander Valentine and Poet Pricket With a Letter to the Author of the Marriage-Hater matched Written by his Friend Qui Bavium non odit amet tua Carmina Maevi Martial Difficile est Satyram non scribere nam quis inique Tam patiens Vrbis tam ferreus ut teneat se. Juvenal LONDON Printed for B. C. and are to be sold by R. Baldwin at the Oxford Arms in Warwick-Lane 1692. To the always disingenuous Tom Pricket Author of The Marriage-Hater match'd I Am sensible the World esteems thy trifting Labours according to their Merit for should a Man judge with all the partiality imaginable I doubt not but he would find faults equal to his severe Censure I must confess I have read thy Play but now 't is with as much regret as if I were to go five Miles to hear a Fanatick Preach I as all other Men commonly do began at the beginning I read over thy Epistle and Mr. G n's tho by the way I must let the World know thou wert the real Genuine Author the Mr. G n fathers it I must needs say you were a fit Person to write an Encomium of your own Ingenuity for if thou hast any 't is sure best known to thy self but the Devil a word did I ever hear uttered by thee that had the least glimpse of a Iest or any other thing like Wit or Ingenuity but always a Mass of dull heavy Nonsense not at all diverting but very extravagant I was at first when I read thy Quotation out of Horace extremely pleased and my Expectation glutted with a desire of going on for thus Horace says Eupolis atque Cratinus Aristophanesque Poetae Arque alii quorum Comedia prisca virorum est Si quis erat digni describi quod malus aut fur Quod moechus foret aut Sicarius aut alioqui Famosus multa cum libertate notabant But at last my fancy was quite pall'd and instead of a good Desription of Man I met with a very ill one of two legg'd Brutes Fops and Butterflies beyond the extravagancies of Humane Thoughts It makes one think now thou quotest only to be thought a Scholar for I me sure thou hast not followed Eupolis Cratinus nor Aristophanes in these words quorum Comedia prisca virorum est I remember the same quotation is at the Title Page of thy Three Dukes of Dunstable a Play almost as good as thy Marriage-Hater 't is true thy Play is altogether surprizing and very unnatural the several neat turns of a Play I confess do keep the Minds of the Audience employed with Expectation Hope and Desire but I 'm sure they don't end in Satisfaction but let the instructive part be never so good the Language never so fine tho thine is mere Billings-gate Discourse instead of Poetical Adornments in Conversation I must needs say if the Action goes on without any Plot to divert us we see through the whole at first sight in that I me of your Mind but thy Plot and Language gratifies none of our Passions without which there can be no Pleasure By what I have said will appear that you set up like Mr. Bays for a new way of writing and despise the Ancients thinking nothing witty but what proceeds from your insensible Perecranium I must confess 't is a base and ill natur'd as well as Ignorant Age when the Vertues of a Play shall be arraigned as defects but if the Vulgar had the understanding of those of a more knowing capacity they wou'd not have given that Plaudit to thy Marriage-hater as it had but these and several other Defects in thy Play are owing to a weak understanding I cannot accuse you of being a Plagiary because the greatest and best part of all thy Works are stolen but I can never with a safe Conscience allow thee to be a Poet whose Genius inclines rather to making Songs than Theatrical Diversions nay I can never say thy Lyrick Part is without fault but equally Nonsensical In fine thou art as Terence says Plumbeus Homo and wilt never be esteemed as thou alone thinkest thou deservest but will still be thought the worst of Scriblers as thou art by me Charles G n. Poeta Infamis Or a Poet not worth Hanging Being A DIALOGUE Between Lysander Valentine and Poet Pricket Valentine and Lysander meeting Val. MY dear Lysander best of Friends and Partner in Iniquity how glad am I to see thee in London I thought thou hadst been retired in the Country and wouldst never have come to Sodom more What 's the Cause a Mistress hah Lys. No Valentine I 'm now come with a full Resolution to continue with thee 't is true I lov'd the Country till I found the difference in discoursing with the ingenious and the dull stupid Country Blockheads whose Conversation tends to nothing but Doggs Horses and stumm'd Ale I am sensible that a Man may live in this Town as soberly as in the Country for all the old godly secret Sinners of this Age exclaim against it so much Val. Well and shall I once more injoy the Society of my dearest Frien faith Lysander I have been almost wearied out of my Life with a company of Fops worse than Summer flies buzzing about ones Note and far more troublesome for those one may destroy these not without damage to ones self Lys. I have heard of these insensible Animals and can but laugh at 'em but prithee tell me for thou wert a constant Man at the Play-House How go the Vizard-Maskes At what Rates may one injoy a little pretty Dear soft charming Creature a Guinny and a Treat will that suffice Val. A Guinny and a Treat why what an extravagant Fellow art thou to talk of a Guinny and a treat when halt a Crown will do Lys. Why then the Market is fall'n it seems Val. 'T is with Whores as it is with other Callings there 's so many of 'em they can scarcelive Lys. Ay but then your Ladies who sparkle it in the side Boxes Val. Ay They who are bound to bless God that he made some Fooles tho they make 'em greater Oh! what a Happiness is it for to see a young Amourous Coxcomb lolling his Head in his Mistresses Lap talking fine things to her but damn'd Intricate and very Nonsensical Lys. I must confess Valentine there are Charmes in Women that are irresistable to lye on her lost snowy Breasts hah Well say what thou wilt Women are delicious Creatures that 's certain and if I must Sin as who from Sin is free let it be a Sin that brings Pleasure with it as for Swearing 't is an ill Habit and one receives no Benefit from it lying is rather worse but if it be ever Lawful 't is when a Womans Honour 's in danger for Drunkeness 't is dangerous and then how sick it makes one and out of order next Morning Val. And Whoring is worse than all these
what Diseases it brings upon one wasts ones Body in this World and ones Soul in the next Let me tell you while you lye melting in a Womans Arms as you call it your Money lyes melting in your pocket so 't is like lighting the Candle at both ends but hold Who 's this coming towards us hah by Heaven 't is Poet-Pricket Now Lysander I 'll shew thee some sport Enter Poet-Pricket and his Man Prithee do thee seem to applaud what ever he says and prefer his Works before any other Poets Po. P. Iack Have you been at the Play-house Iack. Yes Sir Po. P. And are all the Actors ready for the Rehearsal Iack. All but Mrs. B ler she is not well and cannot come but she desires you to give the Part to some body else for she expects to lie in within this Month and that may be a hinderance to your Play Po. P. A pox of those Actresses they are so fruitful but the truth is a great belly'd-Woman does not become the Stage well Mrs. Kn t shall Val. Hah My dear Man of Wit Tom. Pricket prithee how dost thou do Man Po. P. Mr. Valentine your most obedient humble Servant a Friend of yours this Lys. Yes at your Service Sir P. P. Your devoted Slave Val. Where hast thou been thus early 't is not Eight yet P. P. I have been medidating on a Lampoon I am about Writing 't is to be a Satyr against Criticks those snarling Fellows who have no more sence than so many Jack-Daws besides they are a company of Cowardly Fools for they dare not let one know of their Malice before-hand for fear I should confront 'em did I but know any one that shou'd Carp at my well accepted Labours I wou'd make him a publick Example by the Parliament Val. I know Tom thou hast reason to be severe for I must needs say they speak very disdainfully of thy Works a Man of thy vivacity quickness of Patts and nimbleness of Apprehension to be used so scurvily P. P. Will you believe me Mr. Valentine I have taken more pains to find out true Humour then any Poet of 'em all and for Plot I 'll leave you to Judge Val. Nay who ever says thy Plays are not full of Plot I 'm sure are mistaken but prithee what makes the Town speak so ill of thy Marriage-hater matched P. P. Why Faith 't was too full of Wit Humour and Plot the Three best Ingredients of a Play Lys. Why Sir Was that your Play P. P. Sir 't was the Product of this Noddle Lys. Then I must confess your ingenuity I believe there may be some Satyr in it too P. P. Gad Sir you are in the right and da-damme if I have not expos'd Madam La Pupsey and her Lap-Dog very well I think I heard she was damnanbly netled but that 's all one then let the stricken Dear go weep as Hamlet says ' gad that Humour of dressing the Dog in Masquerade was very surprizing diverting and new and tho I say it a very good Humour Lys. Most admirable Val. Ay but Tom you know there was a Man some Years ago who went about with dancing Dogs they had Doublets too did you not steal the Humour from him Come discover I am thy Friend P. P. Why egad I had a little hint of it from him I confess but you must grant I have improv'd it much Val. That thou hast indeed Tom I hope you 'll pardon my familiarity P. P. O dear Sir your faithful but then for Van Grim's Part that you must allow to be new and faith I have drawn the Copy as like the Original as a couple of Apples Val. That Part is good for as the Rehearsal begins with a Whisper his Part begins with a Laughter 't is true one's louder than the other but for sense they are equal but remember against next time nequid nimis P. P. This is the crye of the Town People may say what they will but I vow to God I took more pains in writing that Part then I ever had in any three Parts I ever writ I sware to you I was seven days one after another successively to learn Toney Leigh to Laugh and I think there is a great deal of humour and variety in his laughing Faiâ—h Sir I call'd him Van Grim because of his laughing I vow to God Val. I was thinking so P. P. A Pox of these Laureats they are dull stupid senseless Fellows when once they come to be preferr'd let me tell you a secret Mr. Valentine the quondam Laureate is no better than the present Laureate nor the present Laureate is no better than the quondam Laureate both mighty sounding nothings I vow to God Val. I perceive Tom your railing at the Laureates is like David Iones's railing against Pluralities only because he is not burden'd with 'em himself P. P. No faith thou mistak'st me but let that pass but what lay you to my Lord Brainless's Character to you I speak Sir to Lys. Lys. To me Sir why I think 't is an excellent Character P. P. Why without vanity I may say it is Val. But prithee Tom learn to speak modestly of thy own Works but I 'll be sworn thou hast a great many Enemies and when a Man has no Friend he ought to be one himself P. P. For Modestly none out-does me but prithee tell me how thou likest that Part. Val. I am your Friend however Tom and am willing to applaud what-ever you write but I 'll tell you what the Town thinks of it P. P. Prithee do and let me see how some Block-heads will betray their Understandings Val. First then they say that your Lord Brainless as you call him is partly in imitation of Sir Fopplin Flutter partly Sir Courtly Nice and several other Characters but not comparable to any one of 'em a noisey impertinent self-conceited amorous incipid Coxcomb and that he utters as much sense as the Author was able to surnish him with in short that he was more fit for the Conversation of a La Pupsey then either of the Characters were for a Comedy Lys. Pish This is malice only P. P. Egad and so it is down right Malice but hear me was there no humour and thought in the Stockings one Red the other Yellow Was not that pretty Val. No faith Tom I 'm always a plain Dealer especially to my Friend had you advised with me you should never have dressed him with party coloured Stockings 't was damn'd unnatural I must confess the vanities of our Fops are very great but I never knew any one so great a Fop as to wear such Stockings but I 'll grant you a Madman might have such a fancy faith they say there 's nothing new in all thy Play P. P. How nothing new I have drawn more new Characters in my Play then have been drawn these seven Years but if I had not my Master Terence would excuse me nullum est jam dictum quod non
dictum fuit prius if he could say so so many years ago I may well say so now Val. But don't you mistake that Sentence it may be Terence did not mean that Sentence as you do intimating that it was impossible to write any thing new but what think you if it was because the Comedy was written originally in Greek and translated by Terence into Latin and therefore says Nullum est jam dictum c. because it had been acted before tho in another Language P. P. Faith 't will serve either way but Sir pray let me ask you one Question to Lys. for I find your Friend is a little prejudic'd to my Works How like you Solon and Biaes and Sir Lawrence Limber their Father Lys. Extreamly I think they are not to be match'd P. P. Why I 'm some thing of your mind and I have been told as much before now my modesty won't let me speak in my own behalf but they are good Characters that 's certain Val. Look you Tom you are mightly beholding to Dogget for performing that part so well but a Harliquin with all his grimaces and tricks of Activity is full as well and as acceptable In fine there 's nothing but Nonsense in the Three Parts Solons bad Bias worse and the Father worse than either but one may be as long in expectation of Wit in thy Play as Sir Lawrence and the rest of them were for Van-Grim's jest and I dare Prophecy when it comes will be no better you never writ a Part that would bear Reading tho your Friend says haec semel placuit haec bis repetita placebit but his Judgment is no better than thine and therefore I shall not regard it I won't go to particularize your nonsensical Expressions but in general these Three Parts are very ridiculous besides thou hast a notable way of stealing from thy self Solon Bias and Sir Lawrence are something like Captain Tilbury and Zekiel and Toby in Madam Fickle and something like Sir Roger Petulant and Sneak in the Fond Husband or the Plotting Sisters You know too Tom. vou can make one sorry Jest serve for two or three Plays witness the Cold Tea in Love for Money and again in the Marriage hater matched and several other very indifferent Quibbles I shall omit naming more fit for Bartholomew Fair than the Theatre P. P. Now I see thou hast the Spirit of Contradiction in thee I wish I could talk with you Sir but I see your Friend is envious of my Parts to Lys. Lys. I sware he need not aside Sir I am sorry to see it P. P. I am your Servant dear Sir but now I 'll put his Judgment in question with a Part ar two in my Play I 'll try him further Mr. Valentine pray tell me one thing but one thing I vow to Gad. Val. That I will if I can What is it P. P. Why only how you like Sir Philip Frewit Lady Subtle and Phebe alias Lovewell's Characters for there lies the whole body of the Plot. Val. O is that all why thus the Plot is new P. P. Why egad so it is Val. But how is it new to that I answer because I never heard of any Man who made over his Wife and Estate by Will or Agreement before that was damn'd unnatural besides that between Van Grim and Sir Philip under the name of Counceller Splutter I don't like I cannot think any one would send the writings by any one unless they knew the Lawyer Widows are commonly more crasty nay she knew before that Sir Philip was contriving to undermine her too and therefore I think should have been more cautious but for Sir Philip to be cheated by Phebe upon so slight an account makes me wonder most that any man should let his Wench into his Closet where the Writings and Jewels too Man's glittering damnation were when he had fall'n out with her just before on her asking him to perform his Promise in marrying her nay there is not an Expression tollerable in the whole but thou hast stolen out of some good Play there are some that are thy own I believe or Mr. G n's but they are very bad ones and nor worth taking notice of One thing I 'll say the Actors performed their Parts better then you did yours be half P. P. Nay Mr. Valentine the Players are beholding to me for the excellent Action for I teach 'em and tho I say it can Act as well as any of 'em all Val. Prithee why dost thou not turn Actor thou mightst supply the Stage both ways like a Shakespear a Batterton or a Mountford I have heard thou delightest much in fine Clothes there thou mightst be furnish'd with splendid Vestiments and pay nothing for 'em and appear so gay on the Stage that happy 's the Woman that looks and lives as a Brother says P. P. Nay now you are either in jest or else you mean to affront me Mr. Valentine Val. Most certainly I mean one of 'em do you take it which way you please tho P. P. I 'll take it for granted you jest only and therefore shall trouble my self no more about it Val. Faith now Tom. I see thou art not exceptious and thou begins to be a good honest Fellow that is as honest as any of thy Tribe are P. P. I hope you don't rank me amongst a company of dull Thoughtless Idiots Sir let me tell you I am above ' em Val. So thou art Tom. I now begin to be converted and may be brought to believe thy Plays are good but when the Devil knows aside P. P. Faith and troth I am glad you are Val. Prithee let us know the rest of the Characters in thy Marriage-hater it may be thou mayst convince me of my Errour P. P. The Parts that I have not spoken of are Captain Darewell and Callow and Berenice Margery and my Lady Bumfiddle but before I speak of them give me leave to ask you how you like those Verses when Sir Philip has got the Writings from Van Grim. Conclusion of the II. Act of the Marriage-hater So here they are and the great feat is done Easily now the Widow may be won For what 's a Widow when her Fortune 's gone Ay what indeed I vow to Gad was not that pretty faith I have good thoughts For what 's a Widow when her Fortunes gone Da damme nothing at all prithee how dost thou like it Man Val. That I must confess is very good sence and very witty but Tom. now thou art talking of a Widow what became of thy Buckssome Bona Roba I mean the Widow who lived at Chiswick whom you were so greatly enamoured of P. P. O I remember who you mean I left her off when I found her frailty I was resolv'd not to have her Val. I heard she was resolved not to have you she would not accept of your Visits because you were a Poet and consequently an Atheist tho I believe you had more